1
00:00:26,804 --> 00:00:27,845
Yeah?
2
00:00:27,971 --> 00:00:30,303
(Barry) No, sit properly
like you're gonna mean it,
3
00:00:30,429 --> 00:00:31,886
like you mean it.
4
00:00:32,804 --> 00:00:35,386
No, Waj, don't muck about.
5
00:00:35,512 --> 00:00:37,011
Cos the battery's gonna go. Sit...
6
00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:38,803
Who's mucking about, Barry?
I'm not mucking about.
7
00:00:38,929 --> 00:00:40,136
Well, you can't sit like that.
8
00:00:40,262 --> 00:00:41,470
What's wrong
with how he's sitting, Barry?
9
00:00:41,596 --> 00:00:43,136
(Barry) Come and have a look. It's wrong.
10
00:00:43,262 --> 00:00:44,553
There's nothing wrong with it.
11
00:00:44,679 --> 00:00:46,553
- (Barry) Not you!
- (Waj) Show me.
12
00:00:46,679 --> 00:00:49,345
(Barry) No!
Right, what are you looking at?
13
00:00:49,471 --> 00:00:50,803
There's nothing there.
14
00:00:50,929 --> 00:00:53,095
No, there's nothing there.
Go and sit down.
15
00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:56,136
- You can't see yourself, you mug!
- (Waj) I thought you were recording it.
16
00:00:56,262 --> 00:00:57,803
(Barry) Right, sit, sit.
17
00:00:57,929 --> 00:00:59,886
- Faisal, go away.
- I'm ready, I'm ready.
18
00:01:00,012 --> 00:01:02,595
- (Barry) All right.
- Waj, just relax your face.
19
00:01:02,721 --> 00:01:05,595
Focus on what you're going to say.
Get on with it.
20
00:01:05,721 --> 00:01:07,761
- Go, before the battery goes.
- (Omar) One, two...
21
00:01:07,888 --> 00:01:09,345
Three... action!
22
00:01:09,471 --> 00:01:11,886
Ey up,
you unbelieving kuffar bastards.
23
00:01:12,012 --> 00:01:14,511
- I'm gonna turn you baked beans...
- (Barry) No, no, no.
24
00:01:15,346 --> 00:01:17,470
- What?
- What's with the gun?
25
00:01:22,304 --> 00:01:25,303
- Proper replica, man.
- What for? Action Man?
26
00:01:25,429 --> 00:01:27,178
Replica AK-47.
27
00:01:27,304 --> 00:01:29,678
- It's too small, man.
- Not too small, brother.
28
00:01:30,304 --> 00:01:32,136
- My hands.
- Waj...
29
00:01:32,262 --> 00:01:33,720
Big hands.
30
00:01:33,846 --> 00:01:35,386
He can't do it with that gun.
31
00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:37,636
Shut up, Barry.
Try it without, our kid, and let's go.
32
00:01:37,762 --> 00:01:38,886
It's too small, believe me.
33
00:01:39,012 --> 00:01:40,845
I'll hold it near the camera.
That'll bigger it.
34
00:01:40,971 --> 00:01:43,220
- That'll what?
- That'll bigger it.
35
00:01:44,388 --> 00:01:47,261
- (Waj) Yeah.
- (Omar) Go now.
36
00:01:47,388 --> 00:01:49,345
Ey up, you unbelieving kuffar bastards.
37
00:01:49,471 --> 00:01:52,678
(Barry) No, no, no!
This is absolutely stupid.
38
00:01:53,762 --> 00:01:56,303
These are the outtakes.
You know, the bloopers.
39
00:01:57,096 --> 00:01:59,095
- He looks good.
- (Omar) Today is a wake-up call.
40
00:02:00,262 --> 00:02:03,053
Today is an opportunity
for you to look in the mirror
41
00:02:03,179 --> 00:02:06,678
at western imperialist culture.
42
00:02:06,804 --> 00:02:08,970
Superficial materialism
43
00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:12,636
ends at the capitalist church
of McDonald's.
44
00:02:12,762 --> 00:02:15,345
Flipping idiots.
45
00:02:15,471 --> 00:02:18,886
It's as though you just had a Big Mac,
completely oblivious to the amount...
46
00:02:19,012 --> 00:02:21,928
Complete flipping idiots.
47
00:02:22,054 --> 00:02:25,470
You could've gone Chicken Cottage,
proper halal,
48
00:02:25,596 --> 00:02:27,636
bargain bucket £6.99.
49
00:02:27,762 --> 00:02:30,636
- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about Chicken Cottage.
50
00:02:30,762 --> 00:02:34,470
- There's one where he doesn't say that.
- Your bit's good, Dad.
51
00:02:36,471 --> 00:02:37,511
(Barry) Take the box off.
52
00:02:37,638 --> 00:02:39,803
I can't show my face
cos it's an image.
53
00:02:39,929 --> 00:02:41,136
And images aren't allowed.
54
00:02:41,262 --> 00:02:42,470
You know what? They're all bloopers.
55
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,303
(Barry) Take the box off.
56
00:02:44,429 --> 00:02:47,220
What am I going to do
if he does that at the camp?
57
00:02:47,346 --> 00:02:49,220
Is Uncle Faisal ready to go to Pakistan?
58
00:02:49,346 --> 00:02:52,970
(Barry) You can't do your jihadi video
with a box on your head.
59
00:02:53,096 --> 00:02:54,095
No way.
60
00:03:25,054 --> 00:03:28,095
Ran 23K on the weekend.
61
00:03:28,221 --> 00:03:29,970
6K Saturday morning.
62
00:03:30,096 --> 00:03:34,803
Had a light lunch:
Snack-a-Jacks and a medium apple.
63
00:03:34,929 --> 00:03:38,595
5K in the afternoon,
cos obviously it was after lunch, so...
64
00:03:39,554 --> 00:03:41,470
Same again Sunday.
65
00:03:43,304 --> 00:03:46,803
Although in the afternoon
I only did 4K cos I'd had a roast.
66
00:03:47,638 --> 00:03:51,761
Would've gone further, you know,
but I started to run a bit lopsided.
67
00:03:51,888 --> 00:03:55,220
I'm not slagging my right leg off,
but my left leg is definitely stronger.
68
00:03:56,762 --> 00:03:59,678
I think lefty just wants it more, you know.
69
00:03:59,804 --> 00:04:01,803
Right leg's bone idle.
70
00:04:01,929 --> 00:04:04,511
He'll just wait there,
let lefty pick up the slack.
71
00:04:04,638 --> 00:04:06,928
Before you know it,
you're running in curves.
72
00:04:09,138 --> 00:04:11,803
I'm going to have
to put my foot down, you know.
73
00:04:11,929 --> 00:04:15,928
Really show him who's boss. Yeah.
Know what I mean?
74
00:04:16,054 --> 00:04:18,428
You do know you can talk to your legs,
don't you?
75
00:04:18,554 --> 00:04:20,595
- I need tomorrow off.
- What?
76
00:04:20,721 --> 00:04:23,553
I need tomorrow off,
and the two weeks after that.
77
00:04:23,679 --> 00:04:26,761
Jesus, I thought you were serious
about this job, Omar.
78
00:04:26,888 --> 00:04:28,970
I've got to go to a wedding in Pakistan.
79
00:04:29,096 --> 00:04:32,136
You've got to ask yourself
where you'll be in five years' time.
80
00:04:32,262 --> 00:04:36,053
- It's an emergency.
- What, an emergency wedding?
81
00:04:36,179 --> 00:04:38,303
Like a shotgun wedding?
82
00:04:38,429 --> 00:04:40,636
Like a shotgun wedding, yeah.
83
00:04:40,762 --> 00:04:42,011
Right.
84
00:04:43,012 --> 00:04:46,511
Well, I'll have a look at the rota.
85
00:04:51,429 --> 00:04:54,345
(Barry) The Feds can track your phone
even if the battery's out.
86
00:04:54,471 --> 00:04:58,428
- (Faisal) Really?
- Really. They can see you underground, right?
87
00:04:58,554 --> 00:05:00,553
(Waj) Can they see you if you're not there?
88
00:05:00,679 --> 00:05:02,428
(Barry) Where's there?
89
00:05:02,554 --> 00:05:04,011
(Waj) I don't know.
90
00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:05,636
They can see you everywhere, Waj.
91
00:05:05,762 --> 00:05:07,386
(Faisal) Are they looking at us
through cameras?
92
00:05:07,512 --> 00:05:10,053
- Space cameras, yes.
- But...
93
00:05:11,012 --> 00:05:14,095
My dad says I'm not supposed
to be on camera. It's haram.
94
00:05:14,221 --> 00:05:17,511
With the greatest of respect, Faisal,
your dad eats newspaper.
95
00:05:17,638 --> 00:05:20,345
- Not any more. He eats moths.
- Exactly, bro.
96
00:05:20,471 --> 00:05:23,928
Look, the way to stop the Feds
tracking you is very simple.
97
00:05:25,179 --> 00:05:29,011
You eat your SIM card.
Get your SIM cards out.
98
00:05:29,138 --> 00:05:32,595
You remove the SIM card and...
Yes?
99
00:05:32,721 --> 00:05:37,303
- Can I cook mine?
- No. You must eat it raw, like this.
100
00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:47,261
Good boys.
101
00:05:47,762 --> 00:05:48,595
Salaam, lads.
102
00:05:48,721 --> 00:05:50,428
Walaykum asalaam.
103
00:05:50,554 --> 00:05:52,886
- Right.
- We're eating our SIM cards.
104
00:05:53,012 --> 00:05:54,761
Anti-surveillance.
105
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:56,595
You know they still work
inside you, Barry.
106
00:05:56,721 --> 00:05:58,636
- Eh?
- They can still track them inside you.
107
00:05:58,762 --> 00:06:00,636
That's not going to be
very helpful in Pakistan.
108
00:06:01,388 --> 00:06:04,178
- What?
- In Pakistan.
109
00:06:04,304 --> 00:06:05,803
Answered the call, bro.
110
00:06:05,929 --> 00:06:07,261
- What call?
- Training camp.
111
00:06:08,721 --> 00:06:10,511
We're upgrading.
112
00:06:10,638 --> 00:06:11,886
We're going.
113
00:06:12,012 --> 00:06:14,386
Why did you get the call?
Why didn't I get the call?
114
00:06:14,512 --> 00:06:16,720
You don't have an uncle in Pakistan
last time I checked.
115
00:06:16,846 --> 00:06:19,345
You got an uncle in Folkstone.
Are there any training camps in Folkstone?
116
00:06:19,471 --> 00:06:22,053
Why do we need a training camp, anyway?
We're primed.
117
00:06:22,179 --> 00:06:24,928
We don't need some tramp up a mountain,
telling us to set a fuse.
118
00:06:25,054 --> 00:06:28,178
We don't need some Paki Steptoe
telling us when to go.
119
00:06:28,304 --> 00:06:29,761
You're right, Barry.
We can go whenever we want.
120
00:06:29,888 --> 00:06:31,428
Exactly. Whenever we want, bro.
121
00:06:31,554 --> 00:06:35,095
Yeah, if you want to be some kind of
sad loner trenchcoat mafia twazzock.
122
00:06:35,221 --> 00:06:36,261
What do you mean?
123
00:06:36,388 --> 00:06:40,136
What I mean is, you can either be
a stupid nutter Muslim
124
00:06:40,262 --> 00:06:43,261
who blows a bag full of nails
into his own guts at a toilet at TGI's,
125
00:06:43,388 --> 00:06:47,886
or you can be a proper soldier
in the Mujahideen.
126
00:06:48,012 --> 00:06:50,761
- I'm already in the Mujahideen.
- No, you're not, bro.
127
00:06:50,888 --> 00:06:52,845
No, not until you join the army
128
00:06:52,971 --> 00:06:54,470
and hold the sword
129
00:06:54,596 --> 00:06:57,261
and touch the sky -
proper chain of command,
130
00:06:57,388 --> 00:06:59,553
right to the very top.
131
00:07:01,596 --> 00:07:04,220
- All right, I'm coming.
- Oh, you want Paki Steptoe now?
132
00:07:04,346 --> 00:07:06,470
Listen, I am the most Al Qaeda one here.
133
00:07:06,596 --> 00:07:08,428
Think of the group.
Think of what we're trying to do.
134
00:07:08,554 --> 00:07:10,845
It's best you stay here, bro.
135
00:07:10,971 --> 00:07:13,011
You're a liability
and you're a loose cannon.
136
00:07:13,138 --> 00:07:14,845
Bollocks, I'm a liability.
137
00:07:14,971 --> 00:07:16,345
I am the invisible Jihadi.
138
00:07:16,471 --> 00:07:17,845
They seek him here,
they seek him there.
139
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:20,636
But he's not there,
he's blowing up your slag sister.
140
00:07:20,762 --> 00:07:22,303
- Invisible?
- Yeah.
141
00:07:22,429 --> 00:07:25,428
Like the time you got on the local news
for baking a Twin Towers cake
142
00:07:25,554 --> 00:07:27,553
and leaving it at the synagogue on 9/11?
143
00:07:27,679 --> 00:07:28,928
That is part of the plan.
144
00:07:29,054 --> 00:07:31,386
Hide in plain sight, you mug.
145
00:07:31,512 --> 00:07:33,428
And I am coming!
146
00:07:44,221 --> 00:07:46,553
You realise, if I don't come
with you to Pakistan, bro,
147
00:07:46,679 --> 00:07:47,928
Islam is finished.
148
00:07:48,054 --> 00:07:50,678
Listen, bro, we need you over here
to keep a lid on things.
149
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,470
So what if I'm not here?
150
00:07:52,596 --> 00:07:56,011
Cos I've bought a ticket at the airport
to come with you anyways.
151
00:07:56,138 --> 00:07:57,345
You want to come, Fess?
152
00:07:57,471 --> 00:08:01,136
Yeah, it's just... my dad's
seeing creatures that's not there.
153
00:08:01,262 --> 00:08:03,220
- So he'll keep it ticking over here, bro.
- Barry, listen.
154
00:08:03,346 --> 00:08:05,345
- If you answer this question, you can come.
- All right.
155
00:08:06,054 --> 00:08:08,970
(Speaks Urdu)
156
00:08:09,638 --> 00:08:12,553
- Don't fuck with me, man!
- (Speaks Urdu)
157
00:08:12,679 --> 00:08:15,595
Don't fuck with Azzam al Britani!
158
00:08:18,596 --> 00:08:20,678
(Omar) Barry, what are you doing?
159
00:08:20,804 --> 00:08:22,595
Barry, this is crazy.
160
00:08:22,721 --> 00:08:27,011
- Barry, what are you doing?
- Right, if I'm not going, no one is.
161
00:08:29,054 --> 00:08:30,303
Spit it out.
162
00:08:34,138 --> 00:08:35,595
(Waj) It's gone down his neck.
163
00:08:35,721 --> 00:08:36,636
Right, frog him.
164
00:08:36,762 --> 00:08:39,136
- Frog him in the back.
- Omar, we agreed, no frogging.
165
00:08:39,262 --> 00:08:42,136
That was before you swallowed the key.
Every time I've had to frog you.
166
00:08:42,262 --> 00:08:44,345
- (Barry) Listen, we...
- (Waj) Come on. Come on.
167
00:08:45,221 --> 00:08:46,428
We said no frogging!
168
00:08:47,971 --> 00:08:50,428
What if you get caught?
I'm not going down.
169
00:08:50,554 --> 00:08:52,761
Just cos you can't take
a drill in the kneecap.
170
00:08:52,888 --> 00:08:54,803
They'll crack you like babies' fingers.
171
00:08:54,929 --> 00:08:57,470
They'll pump you full ofViagra,
make you fuck a dog.
172
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,470
(Waj) Good prattle, Barry.
173
00:09:00,054 --> 00:09:01,595
(Grunts)
174
00:09:02,721 --> 00:09:04,428
(Engine starts)
175
00:09:04,554 --> 00:09:07,095
You'll end up on YouTube,
blowing Lassie in a ditch.
176
00:09:08,012 --> 00:09:09,595
(Engine revs)
177
00:09:11,221 --> 00:09:13,220
(Tyres screech)
178
00:09:17,512 --> 00:09:20,261
Are they gonna make me fuck
a dog out there, brother Omar?
179
00:09:20,388 --> 00:09:21,470
My uncle's connected out there.
180
00:09:21,596 --> 00:09:23,178
Only time we're going to see cops
is for weapons upgrade.
181
00:09:23,304 --> 00:09:26,011
All right, Omar,
I'm letting you go to Pakistan.
182
00:09:26,138 --> 00:09:28,303
My unit stays here.
183
00:09:28,429 --> 00:09:30,845
- But my unit's the main unit.
- Barry, shut up, mate.
184
00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:34,011
Because I tell you, your little brain cell
might go off now and again,
185
00:09:34,138 --> 00:09:35,595
but if your hands even go to move
186
00:09:35,721 --> 00:09:37,595
and you try setting up
the Islamic state of Tinsley again,
187
00:09:37,721 --> 00:09:39,595
going to university lectures,
opening your big mouth,
188
00:09:39,721 --> 00:09:41,970
buying some more silver nitrate from Amazon,
189
00:09:42,096 --> 00:09:43,136
I'm gonna rip your plugs out.
190
00:09:43,262 --> 00:09:44,595
Not if you're not here, you won't.
191
00:09:44,721 --> 00:09:46,011
Aargh!
192
00:10:22,054 --> 00:10:22,928
No, Uncle.
193
00:10:26,012 --> 00:10:28,845
It's my prayer bear.
He does my prayers.
194
00:10:29,596 --> 00:10:33,386
(Electronic voice praying)
195
00:10:33,512 --> 00:10:35,095
In the name of Allah...
196
00:10:40,762 --> 00:10:42,928
Which way are we going?
197
00:10:44,971 --> 00:10:46,220
All right. OK.
198
00:10:49,721 --> 00:10:51,178
What the fuck's he done
to his rabbits, bro?
199
00:10:52,304 --> 00:10:54,345
They're not rabbits, bro.
They're chickens.
200
00:10:54,471 --> 00:10:56,595
They're fucking rabbits.
201
00:10:56,721 --> 00:10:58,345
Bro, if they're rabbits,
where are their ears?
202
00:10:59,554 --> 00:11:01,095
That's what I'm saying.
203
00:11:07,096 --> 00:11:09,303
(Speaks Punjabi then Arabic)
204
00:11:15,179 --> 00:11:16,428
What?
205
00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:20,636
(Waj) What's he saying?
206
00:11:20,762 --> 00:11:22,595
I'm asking, would he kill you?
207
00:11:25,012 --> 00:11:26,220
Pack up.
208
00:11:26,929 --> 00:11:28,636
If you make me trouble...
209
00:11:36,971 --> 00:11:38,553
(Waj) Alaykum salaam.
210
00:11:43,138 --> 00:11:45,970
- Would you kill me, then?
- No, course not.
211
00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:47,803
Come on.
212
00:11:48,762 --> 00:11:50,220
I'd kill you, bro.
213
00:11:51,304 --> 00:11:52,345
Would you?
214
00:11:54,012 --> 00:11:55,136
- Yeah.
- Right, good.
215
00:11:56,262 --> 00:11:57,303
Cos I would kill you, bro.
216
00:11:58,762 --> 00:12:01,261
Bro, seriously, I'd kill you.
217
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:02,845
Course I would.
218
00:12:02,971 --> 00:12:04,845
Aye, I would. I'd kill you like that.
219
00:12:04,971 --> 00:12:06,761
- Flipping heck, man. Would you?
- Yeah, course.
220
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:11,428
I sort of thought
I were joking a bit there, bro.
221
00:12:11,554 --> 00:12:13,803
We're soldiers, bro.
Whatever's asked, you do it.
222
00:12:13,929 --> 00:12:15,761
You do the right thing.
223
00:12:15,888 --> 00:12:16,928
Right?
224
00:12:17,054 --> 00:12:19,095
- Are you with me?
- Yeah.
225
00:12:19,221 --> 00:12:22,386
It's life, isn't it? It's just life.
What is that? It's nothing.
226
00:12:22,512 --> 00:12:25,011
It's like being stuck
in the queue at Alton Towers.
227
00:12:25,138 --> 00:12:27,636
Do you want to be in the queues
or do you want to be on the rides?
228
00:12:27,762 --> 00:12:31,261
You want to be on the rides, don't you?
You want to be on Nemesis, Oblivion.
229
00:12:31,388 --> 00:12:32,970
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
230
00:12:34,179 --> 00:12:35,928
- Yeah. You with me?
- Yeah.
231
00:12:36,054 --> 00:12:38,845
- Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
- Yeah, Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
232
00:12:38,971 --> 00:12:40,345
Right?
233
00:12:40,471 --> 00:12:42,511
- OK, I would kill you, brother Omar.
- Would you?
234
00:12:42,638 --> 00:12:44,386
- Yeah, I would.
- What would you do?
235
00:12:45,346 --> 00:12:49,011
- I'd smash your head off with a thing.
- Yeah. Know what I'd do?
236
00:12:49,138 --> 00:12:52,595
I'd grab one of these hooks, Waj.
I'd dig it in your belly, rip your guts out.
237
00:12:52,721 --> 00:12:54,928
Spill it all out on the floor,
like Mortal Combat.
238
00:12:55,054 --> 00:12:57,178
I'd fucking... I'd take this, right?
239
00:12:57,304 --> 00:12:59,470
- Yeah?
- And I'd fucking run you over with a tractor.
240
00:12:59,596 --> 00:13:01,761
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Soldiers.
241
00:13:01,888 --> 00:13:03,386
Soldiers, brother. Mujahid.
242
00:13:03,512 --> 00:13:04,678
Mujahid.
243
00:13:04,804 --> 00:13:06,511
(Chickens cluck)
244
00:13:06,638 --> 00:13:08,136
Good lad.
245
00:13:08,262 --> 00:13:09,678
Come on. You want some?
246
00:13:09,804 --> 00:13:11,595
Yeah, you do want some, rabbit.
247
00:13:11,721 --> 00:13:13,803
You fucked-up rabbit with no ears.
248
00:13:13,929 --> 00:13:16,220
- I'll fucking... I'll have you.
- They're chickens, man.
249
00:13:16,346 --> 00:13:18,928
- I'd roast you.
- Waj, they're chickens.
250
00:13:31,221 --> 00:13:34,178
(Music on radio)
251
00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:50,886
(Music stops)
252
00:13:55,721 --> 00:13:57,011
(Waj) I'm coming. Coming.
253
00:13:57,138 --> 00:13:58,886
I'm coming.
254
00:14:12,971 --> 00:14:16,095
- Come on, Waj.
- (Speaking in Arabic)
255
00:14:16,221 --> 00:14:19,220
(Speaks Arabic)
256
00:14:24,221 --> 00:14:25,886
Fuck off, bro. East is that way.
257
00:14:27,721 --> 00:14:30,261
- That way is East, bro.
- (Replies in Urdu)
258
00:14:30,388 --> 00:14:31,553
That way is East.
259
00:14:31,679 --> 00:14:33,553
- We've flown over Mecca now.
- Paki's gone mental, bro.
260
00:14:33,679 --> 00:14:36,136
Mecca is in the East, yeah.
261
00:14:36,262 --> 00:14:40,136
Where the sun... where it rises,
you behn choad paki prong!
262
00:14:47,846 --> 00:14:50,678
(Omar) Turn around. I'll explain to you later.
263
00:14:53,971 --> 00:14:55,970
(Omar) Fuck! Waj, come on. Come on!
264
00:15:00,929 --> 00:15:02,345
(Omar) Go, go, go. Come on.
265
00:15:02,471 --> 00:15:03,803
- Come on, Waj.
- OK, OK.
266
00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:08,136
(Drone of aircraft)
267
00:15:09,096 --> 00:15:11,095
Hey, brother Emir, I'll take it out.
268
00:15:11,221 --> 00:15:12,345
(Speaks Arabic)
269
00:15:12,471 --> 00:15:13,928
Too high, too high.
270
00:15:14,054 --> 00:15:17,345
Yeah, that's what I was thinking actually.
What is that, 2,000 feet?
271
00:15:19,679 --> 00:15:21,303
- What?
- Nothing.
272
00:15:28,471 --> 00:15:32,220
I've never stood up in public and
professed any in-depth knowledge of Islam,
273
00:15:32,346 --> 00:15:36,761
but what I do know is that most British
Muslims don't want to be out abroad,
274
00:15:36,888 --> 00:15:38,970
fighting British foreign policy.
275
00:15:39,096 --> 00:15:43,136
What they want to do is get on
peacefully with their daily lives.
276
00:15:43,262 --> 00:15:44,845
- And we support that.
- (Barry) Yeah, yeah.
277
00:15:44,971 --> 00:15:47,345
A good Muslim
always keeps his mouth shut.
278
00:15:47,471 --> 00:15:51,970
Yeah? Yeah? Are you all surprised
kids are going off to training camps?
279
00:15:52,096 --> 00:15:55,053
- That is not what I am saying.
- Why are kids going to training camps?
280
00:15:55,179 --> 00:15:57,886
First off, I object
to the term "training camps".
281
00:15:58,012 --> 00:16:00,428
- You just used it.
- No, I did not.
282
00:16:00,554 --> 00:16:02,470
It's a western fantasy.
283
00:16:02,596 --> 00:16:05,261
You people think of Muslims
running around the mountains
284
00:16:05,388 --> 00:16:06,470
with guns and bombs.
285
00:16:06,596 --> 00:16:08,761
That'd suit you
down to the ground, wouldn't it?
286
00:16:08,888 --> 00:16:12,386
- But they do exist, don't they?
- I'm not saying they don't exist.
287
00:16:12,512 --> 00:16:13,970
What I'm saying, if you'll listen,
288
00:16:14,096 --> 00:16:17,303
is that if they didn't exist,
you people would have to invent them.
289
00:16:17,429 --> 00:16:19,720
- (Storge) That's absolute rubbish.
- Yeah, man.
290
00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:23,678
- This whole debate is twisted, man.
- We'll take questions later, please.
291
00:16:23,804 --> 00:16:25,761
You think we're all bombers, don't you?
292
00:16:25,888 --> 00:16:27,720
- That is absolutely...
- No, no, no.
293
00:16:27,846 --> 00:16:30,553
When you look at someone like me,
you think "bomber", right?
294
00:16:30,679 --> 00:16:32,886
- Yeah, you do.
- That is not the case.
295
00:16:33,012 --> 00:16:34,720
Why shouldn't I be a bomber
if you treat me like one?
296
00:16:34,846 --> 00:16:38,386
- Mashallah, brother.
- Yeah, Mashallah.
297
00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:41,011
Yeah.
298
00:16:41,138 --> 00:16:43,261
(Raps) I'm the Mujahideen
and I'm making a scene
299
00:16:43,388 --> 00:16:45,511
Now you's gonna feel
what the boom-boom means
300
00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:48,303
It's like Tupac said,
"When I die, I'm not dead"
301
00:16:48,429 --> 00:16:51,553
We are the martyrs,
you're just smashed tomatoes
302
00:16:51,679 --> 00:16:54,220
- Allahu Akbar!
- (Audience screams)
303
00:16:58,554 --> 00:16:59,678
Mashallah, brother.
304
00:16:59,804 --> 00:17:01,470
(Murmurs from the audience)
305
00:17:01,596 --> 00:17:02,761
Oh, what, man? Come on.
306
00:17:02,888 --> 00:17:05,886
What? Just cos I'm Muslim,
you thought it was real?
307
00:17:06,012 --> 00:17:08,845
- (Shouts from audience)
- (Barry) Oh, here they come!
308
00:17:08,971 --> 00:17:12,095
Here come your stooges, Mr Storge.
309
00:17:12,221 --> 00:17:14,720
Police state! Police state!
310
00:17:14,846 --> 00:17:17,886
- Police state! Police state!
- (Applause)
311
00:17:18,012 --> 00:17:21,678
Remember my name, brothers and sisters.
I'm going to Cuba!
312
00:17:21,804 --> 00:17:26,136
He's being rendered!
He's being rendered!
313
00:17:32,762 --> 00:17:34,428
(Barry) Hey, bro, bro. Down here.
314
00:17:36,262 --> 00:17:37,303
Need a lift?
315
00:17:40,138 --> 00:17:41,386
Yeah, man. Wait. Yeah.
316
00:17:41,512 --> 00:17:44,511
Oh, man!
317
00:17:44,638 --> 00:17:45,470
Yo!
318
00:17:45,596 --> 00:17:48,386
You're a lege. You're a lege, bro!
319
00:17:48,512 --> 00:17:50,720
Not so bad yourself, brother.
What's your name?
320
00:17:50,846 --> 00:17:53,553
Hassan Malik. "The Mal".
321
00:17:53,679 --> 00:17:55,386
- The Mal?
- Yeah.
322
00:17:55,512 --> 00:17:58,178
Nice little stunt back there.
323
00:17:58,304 --> 00:18:00,095
And you know what?
324
00:18:00,221 --> 00:18:02,178
You're a total piece of shit, mate.
325
00:18:03,054 --> 00:18:07,011
You're worse than the specially trained rapists
they use in Guantánamo.
326
00:18:07,138 --> 00:18:09,720
- You what?
- Yeah, you're not ignorant like them!
327
00:18:09,846 --> 00:18:11,970
You know you should be doing something.
328
00:18:12,096 --> 00:18:14,178
- I am doing something.
- What, that?
329
00:18:14,304 --> 00:18:18,011
I'm the Mujahideen and...
thingy, thingy, rap, rap
330
00:18:18,138 --> 00:18:19,178
Eh?
331
00:18:20,221 --> 00:18:23,845
It was jihad of the mind,
the gesture that messed yer.
332
00:18:23,971 --> 00:18:26,470
Wasthe prophet, Sal Allaahu
Alayhi wa Sallam, about gestures?
333
00:18:26,596 --> 00:18:29,636
Hm? Did he smash the pagan statues
334
00:18:29,762 --> 00:18:31,595
or did he just stand there, making a gesture?
335
00:18:31,721 --> 00:18:33,470
(Engine starts)
336
00:18:33,596 --> 00:18:35,636
Is this a gesture?
337
00:18:40,762 --> 00:18:44,470
- That was for real, brother.
- Yeah...
338
00:18:44,596 --> 00:18:47,386
Is you as for real as that?
339
00:18:47,512 --> 00:18:50,261
- Yeah.
- How often do you go to mosque?
340
00:18:50,388 --> 00:18:54,011
When I can. Most weeks. Friday prayers.
341
00:18:54,138 --> 00:18:58,761
Once a year is too often.
The mosques have lost it, brother.
342
00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:02,178
They're full of losers and spies.
343
00:19:02,304 --> 00:19:04,220
These are real bad times, bro.
344
00:19:04,346 --> 00:19:06,803
Islam is cracking up.
345
00:19:06,929 --> 00:19:09,011
We got women talking back.
346
00:19:09,138 --> 00:19:12,553
We got people playing stringed instruments.
347
00:19:12,679 --> 00:19:15,886
It's the end of days.
348
00:19:16,012 --> 00:19:17,928
Do you want to be for real?
349
00:19:19,804 --> 00:19:21,678
Well, yeah, of course.
350
00:19:21,804 --> 00:19:23,803
Are you sure?
351
00:19:23,929 --> 00:19:25,178
100 percent.
352
00:19:25,304 --> 00:19:27,095
Yeah, come here.
353
00:19:29,012 --> 00:19:30,511
Fuck you, Omar!
354
00:19:43,179 --> 00:19:44,678
(Gunfire)
355
00:19:44,804 --> 00:19:46,720
Big enough for you now, Barry?
356
00:19:46,846 --> 00:19:50,178
Am I blowing a dog in a ditch
or am I Paki Rambo?
357
00:19:56,554 --> 00:19:58,720
(Speaks Arabic)
358
00:19:58,846 --> 00:20:01,303
I'm getting my pictures, Mujahid-style.
359
00:20:03,888 --> 00:20:06,636
- James Fuck Bond?
- No, no.
360
00:20:06,762 --> 00:20:07,886
What the fuck are you doing, Waj?
361
00:20:08,012 --> 00:20:09,803
(Speaks Arabic)
362
00:20:16,596 --> 00:20:19,845
(Continues in Arabic)
363
00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:24,303
(Shouting in Arabic)
364
00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:32,428
Stay here and clean the guns.
365
00:20:32,554 --> 00:20:35,553
No, no, listen. We need an Al Qaeda emir.
366
00:20:39,179 --> 00:20:41,011
It was my fault, bro, OK?
Let Omar go.
367
00:20:44,388 --> 00:20:46,761
You fucking Mr Beans.
368
00:20:46,888 --> 00:20:49,886
- But we haven't got an emir yet.
- It's good.
369
00:20:59,262 --> 00:21:02,636
- Just getting my pictures, bro.
- Waj, go away right now.
370
00:21:14,179 --> 00:21:15,220
Come on.
371
00:21:15,346 --> 00:21:16,970
- Where is it?
- Down here.
372
00:21:25,929 --> 00:21:28,345
(Barry) Whoa, whoa, whoa!
373
00:21:50,054 --> 00:21:52,636
Liquid peroxide.
374
00:21:52,762 --> 00:21:54,636
Three years of stockpiling.
375
00:21:54,762 --> 00:21:57,845
- Where did you get it all?
- A wholesale shop down the road.
376
00:21:57,971 --> 00:21:59,636
- All from the same shop?
- Yeah.
377
00:21:59,762 --> 00:22:02,303
- You mug, you'll get us nicked!
- No.
378
00:22:02,429 --> 00:22:04,303
I use different voices every time I go in.
379
00:22:04,429 --> 00:22:07,761
Different what? Different voices.
Show me.
380
00:22:07,888 --> 00:22:09,970
- What?
- Show me the voices. Come on.
381
00:22:14,388 --> 00:22:18,053
- One of them's... It's my voice.
- Right.
382
00:22:20,138 --> 00:22:21,595
Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please?
383
00:22:21,721 --> 00:22:23,928
I know what that sounds like.
Give me another one.
384
00:22:26,471 --> 00:22:28,095
IRA voice.
385
00:22:28,221 --> 00:22:30,095
IRA voice?
386
00:22:30,221 --> 00:22:31,386
They're terrorists, Faisal.
387
00:22:31,512 --> 00:22:34,011
Why do you want to do a terrorist voice?
You'll get us nicked!
388
00:22:34,138 --> 00:22:37,053
- I'll be disguised then, won't I?
- Yeah, but as a terrorist.
389
00:22:39,429 --> 00:22:40,470
Let's hear the voice.
390
00:22:44,054 --> 00:22:47,553
(Normal voice) Can I have...
12 bottles of bleach, please?
391
00:22:49,429 --> 00:22:51,511
And then I've got one like this as well.
392
00:22:53,388 --> 00:22:55,053
(Same voice)
Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please?
393
00:22:55,179 --> 00:22:56,345
What's that?
394
00:22:56,471 --> 00:23:01,428
It's a woman's voice
because I got loads of liquid peroxide.
395
00:23:01,554 --> 00:23:03,511
Probably thought that she'd go and...
396
00:23:03,638 --> 00:23:04,928
(Barry) And what?
397
00:23:05,054 --> 00:23:08,178
...dye her hair or something.
- And her beard?
398
00:23:08,304 --> 00:23:10,886
- You got a beard.
- I covered it.
399
00:23:11,512 --> 00:23:13,428
You covered your beard. How?
400
00:23:18,262 --> 00:23:24,136
Right, so you went into a shop,
with your hands on your face like that
401
00:23:24,262 --> 00:23:26,011
and asked for 12 bottles of bleach?
402
00:23:26,929 --> 00:23:29,595
So, why has she got her hands
on her face, Fess?
403
00:23:33,679 --> 00:23:36,428
Cos she's got a beard.
404
00:23:41,679 --> 00:23:43,178
I'm sorry, brother Omar.
405
00:23:43,304 --> 00:23:45,428
Maybe it were God's will.
406
00:23:45,554 --> 00:23:48,095
Maybe it were God's will
I would do my video so...
407
00:23:49,554 --> 00:23:52,011
- So maybe it's not my fault.
- No, it is your fault.
408
00:23:52,138 --> 00:23:56,220
It were God's will that you were acting
like a complete prat, apparently.
409
00:23:56,346 --> 00:23:58,303
It was defo your fault.
410
00:23:58,429 --> 00:24:03,386
So, if that were God's will,
then am I God's fault?
411
00:24:03,512 --> 00:24:05,970
Maybe I'm God's mistake.
412
00:24:06,096 --> 00:24:09,178
- Does that mean I'm going to hell, brother?
- Sh, sh, sh.
413
00:24:09,304 --> 00:24:10,886
- Do mistakes go to hell?
- Shh, Waj.
414
00:24:11,012 --> 00:24:12,053
What?
415
00:24:13,429 --> 00:24:16,178
- That's a drone.
- Hide!
416
00:24:17,554 --> 00:24:19,636
- It's flying low. It's going to attack.
- Let's go!
417
00:24:19,762 --> 00:24:21,720
Where are we gonna go, Waj?
We've got to take it out.
418
00:24:21,846 --> 00:24:23,886
Take it out with what?
We ain't got no bullets.
419
00:24:24,012 --> 00:24:27,220
- This is my mistake, bro.
- No, no, no. Waj, listen.
420
00:24:27,346 --> 00:24:31,553
Think about it. This is God's plan.
He's put us here to defend the camp.
421
00:24:31,679 --> 00:24:33,095
This is our jihad.
422
00:24:33,221 --> 00:24:35,386
- Think about it.
- This is my mistake, brother.
423
00:24:35,512 --> 00:24:37,803
That's the devil that's in your brain
giving it the wasa-wasa.
424
00:24:37,929 --> 00:24:40,178
Don't listen to him.
God's in your heart, bro.
425
00:24:40,304 --> 00:24:42,720
Right? What does your heart say?
Trust me. Come on.
426
00:24:42,846 --> 00:24:46,720
It says maybe we should...
427
00:24:46,846 --> 00:24:48,428
Huh?
428
00:24:48,554 --> 00:24:51,261
Maybe we should flipping pop it, brother,
get back on jihad.
429
00:24:51,388 --> 00:24:53,345
Good, Waj.
430
00:24:54,096 --> 00:24:55,220
(Omar) Right, OK.
431
00:24:57,262 --> 00:25:00,136
What are we going to use?
432
00:25:00,262 --> 00:25:02,970
- Fucking yes, bro.
- Shh, shh. Right, come on.
433
00:25:05,096 --> 00:25:06,636
- Proper Mujahid, yeah?
- Yeah.
434
00:25:06,762 --> 00:25:08,636
- Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother?
- Mind out the way now.
435
00:25:08,762 --> 00:25:10,053
- All right, OK.
- Come on.
436
00:25:10,179 --> 00:25:12,761
- Flipping pop it, brother.
- OK.
437
00:25:23,096 --> 00:25:23,928
Brother Omar!
438
00:25:27,512 --> 00:25:28,553
The Arabs!
439
00:25:28,679 --> 00:25:31,011
The emir!
440
00:25:31,138 --> 00:25:32,678
(Explosion)
441
00:25:34,262 --> 00:25:35,845
Flipping shit.
442
00:25:38,429 --> 00:25:40,720
Is this God's will, bro?
443
00:25:40,846 --> 00:25:44,261
- (Shouting)
- Tell me it is, bro. Tell me it's God's will.
444
00:25:44,388 --> 00:25:46,511
- (Explosion)
- Fucking hell, bro.
445
00:25:47,929 --> 00:25:50,220
We've got to go, Waj.
We've got to get out of here.
446
00:26:03,679 --> 00:26:05,553
I can't hear nothing!
447
00:26:06,679 --> 00:26:08,553
(Waj) I can't hear nothing!
448
00:26:17,638 --> 00:26:18,720
Morning, officer.
449
00:26:18,846 --> 00:26:20,678
You've been rumbled.
450
00:26:34,012 --> 00:26:36,970
My plan is, right, to put a bomb on a crow
451
00:26:37,096 --> 00:26:40,928
and fly it into one of them towers
full ofJews and slags.
452
00:26:41,054 --> 00:26:43,928
I keep crows in here. Have a look.
453
00:26:44,054 --> 00:26:46,470
We're way beyond crows now, Faisal.
454
00:26:46,596 --> 00:26:48,553
We are really going to blow the lid off.
455
00:26:48,679 --> 00:26:50,803
Yeah, I'm all about blowing the lid off, man.
456
00:26:53,471 --> 00:26:56,053
- Blow my lid off.
- Bomb the mosque!
457
00:26:57,304 --> 00:26:58,553
What?
458
00:26:59,262 --> 00:27:01,470
- The Masjid?
- Yeah, the masjid, the mosque.
459
00:27:01,596 --> 00:27:02,970
But we go in dressed like kuffars.
460
00:27:03,096 --> 00:27:07,220
They think it's the unbelievers attacking
so all the Muslims rise up and fight back.
461
00:27:07,346 --> 00:27:11,261
Stoke things up proper big time,
fast-track the final days - total war!
462
00:27:12,762 --> 00:27:15,636
- That is sick, man.
- What does Omar say?
463
00:27:15,762 --> 00:27:17,470
(Hassan) Who is this Omar?
464
00:27:17,596 --> 00:27:19,886
Don't sweat that.
He's one of my boys.
465
00:27:20,012 --> 00:27:22,053
I've sent him off to training camp
to bring him up to scratch.
466
00:27:22,179 --> 00:27:25,470
But my dad goes to the masjid.
What if he's in masjid?
467
00:27:25,596 --> 00:27:27,678
Has your dad ever bought
a Jaffa orange?
468
00:27:28,596 --> 00:27:29,636
Once or twice.
469
00:27:29,762 --> 00:27:32,511
Right, he's buying nukes for Israel, bro.
He's a Jew.
470
00:27:47,304 --> 00:27:48,678
- (Waj) Barry!
- (Omar) Where?
471
00:27:48,804 --> 00:27:51,220
- Where is he?
- What are we going to say, again?
472
00:27:51,346 --> 00:27:55,220
Waj, we're going to say we're being
sent for special training in Somalia.
473
00:27:55,346 --> 00:27:58,136
- Somalia?
- Yeah, OK.
474
00:28:07,429 --> 00:28:10,011
- You all right, Barry?
- Yeah. What happened?
475
00:28:11,012 --> 00:28:12,970
Nothing happened.
We're being sent to...
476
00:28:13,096 --> 00:28:17,261
Bollocks!
You fucked up, you fucking losers!
477
00:28:17,388 --> 00:28:19,011
I told you you should have taken me.
478
00:28:19,138 --> 00:28:21,636
- We're going to Somibia, Barry.
- Somalia.
479
00:28:21,762 --> 00:28:24,220
- Special training.
- (Mocks Waj) "Special training."
480
00:28:24,346 --> 00:28:28,386
- Bollocks! Something happened.
- Nothing happened, Barry.
481
00:28:28,512 --> 00:28:31,303
Look at the state of you.
No luggage, back early.
482
00:28:31,429 --> 00:28:32,720
Yeah, something happened.
483
00:28:35,346 --> 00:28:37,011
- Yeah, something did happen.
- Yeah, you fucked up.
484
00:28:37,138 --> 00:28:40,428
No, we got an emir
and he told us that we're on.
485
00:28:40,554 --> 00:28:41,595
What?
486
00:28:42,804 --> 00:28:45,303
We've got an emir
and he says that we're on.
487
00:28:46,388 --> 00:28:50,178
- Are you on as well, bro?
- Yeah, for real.
488
00:28:50,304 --> 00:28:51,761
- Good.
- Alhamdulillah.
489
00:28:54,554 --> 00:28:58,678
What about the Arabs, bro?
What about the Arabs?
490
00:28:58,804 --> 00:29:03,261
They weren't Arabs,
they were bad tribesmen.
491
00:29:03,388 --> 00:29:06,011
- What?
- Bad tribesmen.
492
00:29:07,096 --> 00:29:09,095
- So it were good, what we did?
- Yeah.
493
00:29:11,429 --> 00:29:13,761
What the fuck is Special Branch doing here?
494
00:29:13,888 --> 00:29:15,553
Oh, no, no, no.
That's Hassan. He's in.
495
00:29:15,679 --> 00:29:18,261
- Since when, Barry?
- He's one of us.
496
00:29:18,388 --> 00:29:21,178
- Is he fuck?
- (Hassan) How was it, boys? Was it amazing?
497
00:29:21,929 --> 00:29:24,011
What, my dad's funeral?
How could that be amazing?
498
00:29:25,471 --> 00:29:26,720
You're joking!
499
00:29:26,846 --> 00:29:29,928
He was pecked to death by chickens.
Why would I joke about that?
500
00:29:30,638 --> 00:29:33,095
Ignore him, bro. This is Omar,
this is Waj and this is Hassan Malik.
501
00:29:33,221 --> 00:29:34,803
Yeah, man, I'm the Mal.
502
00:29:36,388 --> 00:29:37,428
Frog him.
503
00:29:37,554 --> 00:29:40,261
No, don't sweat it, bro.
He's been tested.
504
00:29:40,388 --> 00:29:41,761
- Really?
- Yeah, he tested me, man.
505
00:29:41,888 --> 00:29:43,595
How did he do that, then?
506
00:29:43,721 --> 00:29:47,053
- He made me do that bean thing, man.
- What bean thing?
507
00:29:47,888 --> 00:29:50,428
You know, when you put a bean
up the end of your knob, man.
508
00:29:54,512 --> 00:29:56,636
We're on the parking. Let's go.
509
00:29:56,762 --> 00:29:58,636
- Barry?
- We're on the parking.
510
00:29:58,762 --> 00:30:01,303
- What's he saying about a bean, Barry?
- You mean, I didn't have to?
511
00:30:01,429 --> 00:30:03,553
Bro, he's landed you right in it.
512
00:30:03,679 --> 00:30:07,386
I've got no need for a beanfucker
or a TV Paki or a coconut spook.
513
00:30:07,512 --> 00:30:08,553
Now, frog him!
514
00:30:08,679 --> 00:30:10,553
Omar, he's loaded. His dad's loaded.
515
00:30:10,679 --> 00:30:13,470
- What, from MI5 payroll?
- No, he's got a clothes factory.
516
00:30:13,596 --> 00:30:16,053
- Great. Merry Christmas. Frog him.
- I can get you a van.
517
00:30:16,179 --> 00:30:19,470
- I can nick a van.
- So you'd steal from your own dad?
518
00:30:20,971 --> 00:30:23,053
Well, yeah, yeah.
519
00:30:23,179 --> 00:30:25,636
Right, well, you're still walking.
520
00:30:25,762 --> 00:30:29,136
Listen, behn choad, next time I see you,
you'd better have a fucking van,
521
00:30:29,262 --> 00:30:31,220
or I'm gonna floss your balls
with razor wire.
522
00:30:36,262 --> 00:30:38,720
You played that wrong, mate.
523
00:30:41,388 --> 00:30:43,178
- You're on one, Omar.
- Drive!
524
00:30:46,054 --> 00:30:47,345
(Car won't start)
525
00:30:47,471 --> 00:30:49,720
- Did you fix this, Barry?
- Yeah, I fixed it.
526
00:30:49,846 --> 00:30:53,095
- Did you do it yourself or something?
- Yes, I did it myself.
527
00:30:57,012 --> 00:30:59,095
(Engine judders)
528
00:30:59,221 --> 00:31:00,761
(Barry) So is he in or what, Omar?
529
00:31:00,888 --> 00:31:04,470
What choice have I got, Barry?
He's either in or I've got to kill him.
530
00:31:04,596 --> 00:31:07,345
(Barry) Good. I knew you'd like him.
531
00:31:18,804 --> 00:31:20,636
Simba and Pumbaa were out on their own.
532
00:31:20,762 --> 00:31:24,761
And Scar was looking for them and
if he found them, he'd kill them, but...
533
00:31:24,888 --> 00:31:26,011
- Dad?
- Yeah?
534
00:31:26,138 --> 00:31:28,053
Did you blow up any kuffars?
535
00:31:28,179 --> 00:31:29,720
What?
536
00:31:29,846 --> 00:31:31,261
At the wedding?
537
00:31:33,721 --> 00:31:35,303
Do you want to hear
what happened to Simba or not?
538
00:31:35,429 --> 00:31:37,970
- Yeah!
- Right, so...
539
00:31:39,304 --> 00:31:41,761
Simba and Pumbaa
were out on their own,
540
00:31:41,888 --> 00:31:44,386
when all of a sudden they saw this...
541
00:31:46,388 --> 00:31:50,303
...this big evil bird, this big bird,
that Scar had sent out to look for them.
542
00:31:50,429 --> 00:31:54,303
This big, evil vulture, coming right at them.
543
00:31:54,429 --> 00:31:56,595
"There it is," said Simba.
He spotted it,
544
00:31:56,721 --> 00:31:59,220
this big evil vulture,
coming straight for them,
545
00:31:59,346 --> 00:32:00,845
coming right at them.
546
00:32:02,888 --> 00:32:03,970
Then what, Dad?
547
00:32:06,096 --> 00:32:09,178
Well, Simba had to bring it down,
otherwise it'd kill them.
548
00:32:09,304 --> 00:32:12,220
So, what he did was,
he grabbed a stone
549
00:32:12,346 --> 00:32:15,303
and he chucked it at the bird,
only he chucked it so hard,
550
00:32:15,429 --> 00:32:19,261
it was such a strong powerful throw,
that his arm went all the way round.
551
00:32:19,388 --> 00:32:22,761
Behind. He threw it so hard,
it went a mile behind him.
552
00:32:23,429 --> 00:32:26,636
And it hit Mufasa.
553
00:32:26,762 --> 00:32:29,553
Wise, strong Mufasa, Simba's dad.
554
00:32:29,679 --> 00:32:32,345
It hit him accidentally on the head
and killed him.
555
00:32:32,471 --> 00:32:34,928
But didn't Scar kill Mufasa?
556
00:32:35,054 --> 00:32:38,011
Yeah, in the film.
This is real life, I'm talking about.
557
00:32:38,138 --> 00:32:39,886
So Simba had a choice.
558
00:32:40,012 --> 00:32:42,136
He could either tell his friends
what had happened and create confusion,
559
00:32:42,262 --> 00:32:46,470
or keep it a secret and lead all his friends
in a big fight against Scar.
560
00:32:46,596 --> 00:32:48,470
What do you think he did?
561
00:32:48,596 --> 00:32:50,261
He had to tell the truth.
562
00:32:52,929 --> 00:32:55,220
But he's got to fight Scar, hasn't he?
563
00:32:55,346 --> 00:32:58,178
Telling the truth means giving up.
564
00:32:58,304 --> 00:32:59,595
Would Simba give up?
565
00:32:59,721 --> 00:33:01,803
- Simba would never give up.
- Exactly.
566
00:33:02,721 --> 00:33:04,178
Exactly. So...
567
00:33:05,596 --> 00:33:08,178
Simba kept it all a secret.
568
00:33:08,929 --> 00:33:11,345
And he led Pumbaa and Timon
and all his friends,
569
00:33:11,471 --> 00:33:15,386
he led them all in a fight against Scar.
570
00:33:15,512 --> 00:33:17,178
And he vanquished Scar,
571
00:33:17,304 --> 00:33:19,511
and Simba became the new Lion King.
572
00:33:20,554 --> 00:33:22,595
- Yes.
- Yeah.
573
00:33:25,262 --> 00:33:26,678
Bedtime for you,
574
00:33:26,804 --> 00:33:28,261
soldier.
575
00:33:32,846 --> 00:33:34,303
(Omar) All right, lads, this is it.
576
00:33:35,888 --> 00:33:37,595
This is it, boys.
577
00:33:37,721 --> 00:33:41,470
I've spoken to the emir.
I have, and...
578
00:33:41,596 --> 00:33:43,220
How did you do that?
579
00:33:44,971 --> 00:33:50,595
Email drop box and the children's
instant messaging site, Party Puffin.
580
00:33:50,721 --> 00:33:52,136
I've been on that.
581
00:33:52,262 --> 00:33:54,053
- Good, Waj.
- Proper good.
582
00:33:54,179 --> 00:33:56,678
(Barry) Do we have to be puffins as well?
583
00:33:56,804 --> 00:33:59,303
Yeah, I'll give you all usernames
and passwords after this meeting.
584
00:33:59,429 --> 00:34:00,761
I'm not sure I want to be a puffin.
585
00:34:00,888 --> 00:34:02,470
You don't have to be
if you don't want to, Barry.
586
00:34:02,596 --> 00:34:04,803
- Bagsy a blue one, yeah?
- Good, Waj.
587
00:34:06,512 --> 00:34:08,595
Now, I've spoken to him.
588
00:34:09,929 --> 00:34:12,386
My puffin has communicated with his puffin.
589
00:34:14,638 --> 00:34:17,095
And he's told us to make some bombs.
590
00:34:17,221 --> 00:34:20,011
So we're going to take Faisal's gear
to the secret flat.
591
00:34:20,138 --> 00:34:23,386
We can hide it under the costumes
in Hassan's van.
592
00:34:23,512 --> 00:34:26,345
We'll put the bleach on the boil.
593
00:34:27,554 --> 00:34:31,345
We have instructions to bring havoc
to this bullshit, consumerist,
594
00:34:31,471 --> 00:34:33,470
godless, Paki-bashing,
595
00:34:33,596 --> 00:34:36,345
Gordon Ramsay "Taste the Difference"
speciality cheddar,
596
00:34:36,471 --> 00:34:38,595
torture-endorsing,
massacre-sponsoring,
597
00:34:39,554 --> 00:34:42,761
"Look-at-me-dancing-pissed
with-my-nob-out", Sky1 Uncovered,
598
00:34:42,888 --> 00:34:45,595
"Who-gives-a-fuck
about-dead-Afghanis?" Disneyland.
599
00:34:45,721 --> 00:34:47,636
- Mashallah!
- Mashallah, brother Omar.
600
00:34:47,762 --> 00:34:49,720
- Mashallah.
- (Waj) Fuck mini Babybels.
601
00:34:50,304 --> 00:34:54,011
Puffin says, "Find a target."
602
00:34:54,138 --> 00:34:55,886
Well, we got a target, bro.
We're all agreed.
603
00:34:56,012 --> 00:34:57,845
(Omar) What is it?
604
00:34:57,971 --> 00:34:59,678
- It's the mosque.
- What?
605
00:34:59,804 --> 00:35:01,303
Bomb the mosque,
606
00:35:01,429 --> 00:35:04,345
radicalise the moderates,
bring it all on.
607
00:35:05,179 --> 00:35:08,178
OK, right. No, I like that.
I do like that, that's brilliant.
608
00:35:08,304 --> 00:35:11,178
Let's take out a bunch of Muslims
because they're the real enemy.
609
00:35:11,304 --> 00:35:14,178
Once we've done that,
why don't we truck-bomb a kebab shop
610
00:35:14,304 --> 00:35:17,136
and fly a jumbo jet
into Waj's mum's head?
611
00:35:17,262 --> 00:35:21,136
Why don't we get a pig
and staple-gun it to our foreheads?
612
00:35:21,262 --> 00:35:24,428
But if we bomb the mosque,
it will make all the Muslims rise up.
613
00:35:25,471 --> 00:35:27,928
My cousin, Faz, died,
614
00:35:28,054 --> 00:35:31,011
defending a mosque in Bosnia.
615
00:35:31,138 --> 00:35:32,886
Did he flipping rise up, bro?
616
00:35:34,262 --> 00:35:35,678
Let's bomb Boots.
617
00:35:36,512 --> 00:35:40,220
They sell condoms
that make you want to bang white girls.
618
00:35:40,346 --> 00:35:42,678
- I second that. Boots.
- (Faisal) Right.
619
00:35:42,804 --> 00:35:46,095
- They nabbed me nicking Lynx display.
- (Omar) Think bigger than a chemist's.
620
00:35:46,221 --> 00:35:49,553
I'm not blowing my guts out over
a bunch of tampons and cotton buds.
621
00:35:49,679 --> 00:35:52,511
What we're going to do
has got to last in history,
622
00:35:52,638 --> 00:35:54,095
echo through the ages.
623
00:35:54,221 --> 00:35:57,095
- Like bomb a mosque.
- Barry, we're not bombing a mosque.
624
00:35:57,221 --> 00:35:59,178
You don't get it, do you, Omar?
625
00:35:59,304 --> 00:36:01,053
We radicalise the moderates!
626
00:36:01,179 --> 00:36:03,511
The ummah rises up, it all kicks off!
627
00:36:03,638 --> 00:36:07,095
I do get it. I'll tell you what it's like.
It's like you're in a fight with someone,
628
00:36:07,221 --> 00:36:09,470
and they're punching you
in the face, right?
629
00:36:09,596 --> 00:36:13,220
And so what you go and do is,
you punch yourself in the face.
630
00:36:13,346 --> 00:36:14,428
So what if he's not?
631
00:36:14,554 --> 00:36:16,928
I'm having a fight
with this fictionary man,
632
00:36:17,054 --> 00:36:21,303
and he's not punching me hard enough
to make me go mental and win.
633
00:36:21,429 --> 00:36:24,178
Let's do an experiment, Barry.
We'll have a fight right now.
634
00:36:24,304 --> 00:36:26,386
When you start losing
and you're not doing very well,
635
00:36:26,512 --> 00:36:28,928
you punch yourself in the face,
go mental and start winning.
636
00:36:29,054 --> 00:36:31,428
- Show them all how it works.
- I'm not gonna punch myself.
637
00:36:31,554 --> 00:36:33,928
Why not? You're the Muslims.
You're getting attacked.
638
00:36:34,054 --> 00:36:37,303
Go fucking mental, Barry.
Show 'em how it works.
639
00:36:37,429 --> 00:36:39,761
- Come on.
- (Barry) I'm not a mosque!
640
00:36:39,888 --> 00:36:41,261
This is not how it works!
641
00:36:41,388 --> 00:36:43,845
(Shouting)
642
00:36:43,971 --> 00:36:45,345
Punch yourself, Baz.
643
00:36:45,471 --> 00:36:48,053
(Omar) Bomb the mosque, Barry!
Bomb it!
644
00:36:48,179 --> 00:36:49,303
Bomb the mosque!
645
00:36:49,429 --> 00:36:52,470
Bomb the mosque, Barry!
646
00:36:53,471 --> 00:36:56,053
He's bombed the mosque!
He's just bombed the mosque!
647
00:36:56,179 --> 00:36:58,428
Barry, where are the moderates?
The moderates should be coming now.
648
00:36:58,554 --> 00:37:01,011
Right, if I was a mosque,
which I am not,
649
00:37:01,138 --> 00:37:04,053
then there would be all moderates
behind my nose,
650
00:37:04,179 --> 00:37:06,136
bursting to come out and rise up.
651
00:37:06,262 --> 00:37:08,720
Would there?
Ooh, they are, bro, eh?
652
00:37:08,846 --> 00:37:11,803
Barry, the Sufi Muslim Council's
coming out your nose.
653
00:37:11,929 --> 00:37:14,970
Oh, you've just wiped them out.
You've just wiped them out.
654
00:37:15,096 --> 00:37:18,595
Do you think we should still
bomb the mosque, Barry?
655
00:37:19,221 --> 00:37:21,428
- Come back.
- Barry, I got you a J-cloth for the...
656
00:37:22,971 --> 00:37:24,678
- Oooh!
- (Omar) Barry!
657
00:37:24,804 --> 00:37:26,720
For fuck's sake, Barry!
658
00:37:45,846 --> 00:37:48,761
(Rap music)
659
00:38:03,846 --> 00:38:05,803
Oi! Oi!
660
00:38:05,929 --> 00:38:09,178
Turn that off.
There's common areas out there.
661
00:38:09,304 --> 00:38:12,970
We got to play it, Barry.
This is our cover, man. We're a band.
662
00:38:13,096 --> 00:38:15,636
- We're a what?
- We're a band.
663
00:38:15,762 --> 00:38:17,511
Bollocks! Turn it off.
664
00:38:18,346 --> 00:38:19,886
Bro, turn it off.
665
00:38:20,679 --> 00:38:21,720
(Music stops)
666
00:38:23,554 --> 00:38:25,011
What's with the chicken?
667
00:38:28,138 --> 00:38:30,970
It's beard protection from the bleach.
668
00:38:31,096 --> 00:38:33,803
Yeah, he's the drummer, man.
669
00:38:34,471 --> 00:38:38,053
- Chicken drummer.
- Yeah, Barry.
670
00:38:38,179 --> 00:38:41,261
You broke the chicken's beak, didn't you?
Remember?
671
00:38:41,388 --> 00:38:43,220
Yeah, Barry, you broke his beak.
672
00:38:43,346 --> 00:38:46,220
Yeah, well, I'm sorry,
but beaks get broken in war, don't they?
673
00:38:46,346 --> 00:38:47,678
- Do they?
- Yeah, they do.
674
00:38:47,804 --> 00:38:51,511
We're not about protecting beaks,
we're about blowing them off.
675
00:38:51,638 --> 00:38:53,303
Yeah?
676
00:38:53,429 --> 00:38:56,053
Well, go and unload the van.
I'm not doing all the work.
677
00:39:00,138 --> 00:39:01,720
Waj! Waj!
678
00:39:02,304 --> 00:39:03,470
Anti-surveillance.
679
00:39:08,429 --> 00:39:11,303
Not you, mate, you're still here.
Get in there.
680
00:39:17,138 --> 00:39:20,761
- What are you doing?
- Just in case they're taking pictures.
681
00:39:20,888 --> 00:39:23,636
- What?
- Barry says you come out blurry.
682
00:39:25,346 --> 00:39:26,386
Right, stop it!
683
00:39:27,388 --> 00:39:28,636
Stop it!
684
00:39:30,971 --> 00:39:33,595
CCTV's a video.
685
00:39:33,721 --> 00:39:36,803
You're just gonna look
like a bunch of Sufis on speed.
686
00:39:36,929 --> 00:39:40,011
Next time Barry tells you
to do something, don't.
687
00:39:45,846 --> 00:39:49,011
- You all right, Alice? How's it going.
- All right, Wasim? Yeah.
688
00:39:49,138 --> 00:39:50,803
- Are you good?
- Yeah.
689
00:39:50,929 --> 00:39:53,095
- All right, Jason?
- All right.
690
00:39:54,179 --> 00:39:55,678
Who's this one?
691
00:39:55,804 --> 00:39:57,178
This is... Claude.
692
00:39:57,304 --> 00:39:59,595
Claude, this is Alice.
She's got the flat next door.
693
00:39:59,721 --> 00:40:02,053
- Hello, Claude.
- Hi.
694
00:40:02,179 --> 00:40:05,011
- What's this?
- Claude's the new member of our band.
695
00:40:05,138 --> 00:40:07,678
- Band?
- He's the new member.
696
00:40:07,804 --> 00:40:10,220
- I used to be in a band.
- Did you?
697
00:40:10,346 --> 00:40:14,803
Yeah.
Until all the birds fell off the roof...
698
00:40:15,846 --> 00:40:17,886
I don't know if you remember.
699
00:40:19,512 --> 00:40:22,803
All right, then, Alice,
we'll see you later. Come on, lads.
700
00:40:22,929 --> 00:40:25,011
Come through.
701
00:40:25,138 --> 00:40:28,803
- Which one are you?
- Er, Claude.
702
00:40:28,929 --> 00:40:31,011
- Claude?
- Yeah.
703
00:40:31,138 --> 00:40:32,761
Are you French?
704
00:40:33,762 --> 00:40:35,095
Yeah.
705
00:40:35,971 --> 00:40:37,428
See you.
706
00:40:49,262 --> 00:40:52,595
(Barry) Right, Mister Newsman
in the newsroom, after three.
707
00:40:52,721 --> 00:40:54,803
Three, two, one...
708
00:40:56,638 --> 00:40:59,011
Yes, it was us.
709
00:40:59,138 --> 00:41:02,178
We have struck you
where you least expected it.
710
00:41:02,304 --> 00:41:04,845
We have bombed the mosque.
711
00:41:04,971 --> 00:41:07,845
Only in the days of the final jihad...
712
00:41:07,971 --> 00:41:09,511
(Door opens)
713
00:41:09,638 --> 00:41:11,636
What are you doing here?
714
00:41:11,762 --> 00:41:14,136
(Hassan) Well, you told us to come round.
715
00:41:14,262 --> 00:41:17,678
We've just come through the back.
Anti-surveillance, like you said.
716
00:41:17,804 --> 00:41:19,678
Right, well, I'm doing my tape.
717
00:41:19,804 --> 00:41:21,636
(Hassan) But we're not bombing the mosque.
718
00:41:21,762 --> 00:41:24,636
- What?
- We're not bombing the mosque.
719
00:41:24,762 --> 00:41:28,345
Look, I'm just doing this tape in case
the plans change to bomb the mosque.
720
00:41:28,471 --> 00:41:32,011
If they did change, isn't the whole
point of it to blame it on the kuffar
721
00:41:32,138 --> 00:41:33,595
and not take responsibility for it?
722
00:41:33,721 --> 00:41:36,970
What do you know about it?
It was my idea in the first place, not yours!
723
00:41:37,096 --> 00:41:39,720
Now, fuck off!
I'm doing my tape. Go on.
724
00:41:39,846 --> 00:41:40,886
(Omar) All right, Barry?
725
00:41:41,012 --> 00:41:44,511
- What, you're here as well?
- Yeah. Why? What's going on?
726
00:41:44,638 --> 00:41:47,386
(Waj) He said he was going to bomb
the mosque.
727
00:41:47,512 --> 00:41:49,011
- (Omar) Did you say that, Barry?
- No.
728
00:41:49,138 --> 00:41:50,803
- (Waj) Yeah, you did.
- No, I didn't.
729
00:41:50,929 --> 00:41:53,803
- (Omar) What did you say, then?
- I said I was gonna bomb something else.
730
00:41:53,929 --> 00:41:56,720
What did you say you were gonna bomb?
731
00:41:56,846 --> 00:41:58,845
Hm?
732
00:41:58,971 --> 00:42:00,636
Fuck off!
733
00:42:00,762 --> 00:42:02,220
Fuck off out of my house!
734
00:42:04,138 --> 00:42:05,470
Oh, Barry, you moron.
735
00:42:05,596 --> 00:42:06,636
(Doorbell)
736
00:42:10,554 --> 00:42:12,428
- Salaam, Ahmed.
- Alaykum salaam.
737
00:42:12,554 --> 00:42:17,011
- Omar, it's your brother. Come in.
- No, I'm OK.
738
00:42:17,138 --> 00:42:20,053
- Just come in and sit down.
- (Speaks Urdu)
739
00:42:20,179 --> 00:42:21,595
- Salaam Alaykum.
- Alaykum salaam.
740
00:42:21,721 --> 00:42:22,720
(Speaks Urdu)
741
00:42:23,929 --> 00:42:26,345
- Just come in and sit down.
- (Speaks Urdu)
742
00:42:27,054 --> 00:42:29,720
I'm not in the same room.
You can come in.
743
00:42:29,846 --> 00:42:31,470
You are.
744
00:42:31,596 --> 00:42:33,053
(Sofia) I'm not.
745
00:42:33,179 --> 00:42:34,928
The wall has been taken out, so you are.
746
00:42:35,054 --> 00:42:36,511
(Omar snorts)
747
00:42:36,638 --> 00:42:39,970
Have you come to drop some fatwas,
cos we've just had the carpet cleaned?
748
00:42:44,221 --> 00:42:45,970
Not in this house, bro.
749
00:42:46,096 --> 00:42:48,428
- Freeze or I'll blow your guts out.
- All right, go easy.
750
00:42:48,554 --> 00:42:50,886
OK. Right, come on!
751
00:42:51,012 --> 00:42:52,636
You've got 30 seconds!
752
00:42:53,762 --> 00:42:57,095
- What are you teaching him, Omar?
- It's a water pistol. Have you lost it?
753
00:42:57,221 --> 00:43:00,928
Have you got 150 quotes from scholars
saying we can't squirt a water pistol?
754
00:43:02,012 --> 00:43:04,470
There is no justification
for what you are planning.
755
00:43:04,596 --> 00:43:06,636
- What am I planning, bro?
- You tell me.
756
00:43:06,762 --> 00:43:08,803
- Want to know what I am planning?
- Yeah.
757
00:43:10,762 --> 00:43:14,386
Sure you can handle it, bro?
Yeah? You ready?
758
00:43:14,512 --> 00:43:17,053
It's not a proper plan yet, yeah?
759
00:43:17,179 --> 00:43:18,928
But I'm thinking, inshallah,
760
00:43:19,054 --> 00:43:21,803
I'm going to go upstairs
and run a hot bath, right?
761
00:43:21,929 --> 00:43:24,261
Then come back down
and make beans on toast. I'm proper hungry.
762
00:43:24,388 --> 00:43:25,970
- Very funny.
- What?
763
00:43:30,179 --> 00:43:32,678
Is it, bro? Have you got opinions to back that up?
764
00:43:32,804 --> 00:43:34,928
I have got 18 opinions, all very good ones.
765
00:43:35,054 --> 00:43:38,595
You know what? It's not Top Trumps.
Muslims are getting pasted and you go,
766
00:43:38,721 --> 00:43:41,345
"I've got 60,000 opinions
saying we can't fight back.
767
00:43:41,471 --> 00:43:45,470
"We must measure our beard with a ruler
and lock our wives in cupboard!"
768
00:43:45,596 --> 00:43:48,511
That's not a joke, is it, bro?
769
00:43:48,638 --> 00:43:51,470
It is not a cupboard, it is a small room.
770
00:43:51,596 --> 00:43:54,845
Oh, come on. It was a flipping toilet
till you took the china out.
771
00:43:54,971 --> 00:43:56,595
I don't argue with women.
772
00:43:56,721 --> 00:43:59,428
No, you don't.
You lock 'em in a cupboard.
773
00:43:59,554 --> 00:44:00,970
Omar, your wife is out of control.
774
00:44:01,096 --> 00:44:03,095
I don't know how to control her.
Help me out.
775
00:44:03,221 --> 00:44:06,428
Am I... Am I out of control? Ooh.
776
00:44:06,554 --> 00:44:09,011
- (She laughs)
- Do it again. He won't fight back.
777
00:44:09,138 --> 00:44:11,095
- (Sofia) What am I like? I'm out of control.
- Obey me, wife. Obey me.
778
00:44:11,221 --> 00:44:12,386
Go and do it.
779
00:44:12,512 --> 00:44:15,095
- Fight back, brother!
- (Sofia shrieks)
780
00:44:15,221 --> 00:44:16,761
What's all the violence, brother?
781
00:44:16,888 --> 00:44:20,803
- (Sofia) Are you fighting back? In self-defence?
- This is not fighting.
782
00:44:20,929 --> 00:44:24,636
- By the law of Sharia, I am not fighting.
- (Omar) You're a proper Mujahid!
783
00:44:24,762 --> 00:44:26,095
By the law...
784
00:44:26,221 --> 00:44:28,636
- I am not fighting.
- You're so violent, bro!
785
00:44:28,762 --> 00:44:31,011
(Both laugh)
786
00:44:31,138 --> 00:44:32,428
Hey, Omar.
787
00:44:32,554 --> 00:44:35,220
- You're terrible, you are.
- I'm out of control.
788
00:44:35,346 --> 00:44:36,803
Aren't you, eh?
789
00:44:56,929 --> 00:44:59,845
- That's twice as much, bro.
- This one's gonna leave a mark.
790
00:45:03,179 --> 00:45:04,636
Just drop it.
791
00:45:11,179 --> 00:45:12,803
- Ooh!
- (Waj laughs)
792
00:45:12,929 --> 00:45:13,928
(Hassan) Shit, man!
793
00:45:15,471 --> 00:45:17,136
- Come on, bro. Give me that.
- Jew.
794
00:45:17,262 --> 00:45:18,636
Gay.
795
00:45:18,762 --> 00:45:20,511
Fed.
796
00:45:21,846 --> 00:45:23,886
Sodomite.
797
00:45:24,679 --> 00:45:25,720
Gynaecologist.
798
00:45:27,054 --> 00:45:29,636
Innocent bloke. Doesn't exist.
799
00:45:31,262 --> 00:45:33,720
Leonard Cohen.
Here, you give me that.
800
00:45:33,846 --> 00:45:35,970
You do some work.
801
00:45:40,346 --> 00:45:42,470
(Hassan) This one's gonna be
like a grenade, man.
802
00:45:42,596 --> 00:45:45,386
- (Waj) Oh, bro.
- Here, watch this.
803
00:45:45,512 --> 00:45:47,136
Watch this, bro!
804
00:00:03,855 --> 00:00:23,000
{\a3}{\fade(400,600)} Repair and Synch by
Syful Noa BlueBiru
805
00:45:56,179 --> 00:45:59,303
Come on, lads. Why don't we just
pick up the phone and call the cops?
806
00:45:59,429 --> 00:46:01,386
Right? Come on.
807
00:46:02,638 --> 00:46:05,011
- (Hassan) Sorry, man.
- Sorry, bro.
808
00:46:05,138 --> 00:46:07,053
(Faisal) We don't have to use that
on ourselves, do we, Barry?
809
00:46:07,179 --> 00:46:09,345
- Course we do, bro.
- But it's our choice, right?
810
00:46:09,471 --> 00:46:11,636
- Fess? Fess?
- What?
811
00:46:11,762 --> 00:46:14,845
It is your choice.
Right? It can only be your choice.
812
00:46:14,971 --> 00:46:17,428
Right, yeah.
813
00:46:17,554 --> 00:46:19,636
- Fess. Fess.
- What?
814
00:46:20,554 --> 00:46:22,220
It is your choice, right,
815
00:46:22,346 --> 00:46:24,761
but you've chosen
to blow yourself up, haven't you?
816
00:46:28,304 --> 00:46:29,970
Haven't you?
817
00:46:34,471 --> 00:46:36,511
(Faisal) Mashallah, brother Crow.
818
00:46:36,638 --> 00:46:38,220
Mashallah.
819
00:46:38,346 --> 00:46:42,511
You're doing this, right,
to save brother Faisal.
820
00:46:43,596 --> 00:46:46,470
And I know it's come
as a bit of a shock to you,
821
00:46:46,596 --> 00:46:49,053
but everything will be all right.
822
00:46:49,179 --> 00:46:53,303
Yeah? OK.
You see that over there?
823
00:46:53,429 --> 00:46:54,470
That...
824
00:46:55,679 --> 00:46:58,970
That's a sex shop. Right?
825
00:46:59,096 --> 00:47:02,386
A US embassy,
or some other such slag utility.
826
00:47:04,054 --> 00:47:06,303
Right, now wait there.
827
00:47:06,429 --> 00:47:09,886
When I say, you fly to the target.
828
00:47:10,012 --> 00:47:13,178
When I dial this,
you go to heaven, brother Crow.
829
00:47:16,179 --> 00:47:17,720
Inshallah.
830
00:47:42,888 --> 00:47:46,303
(Hassan makes bomb noises)
831
00:47:46,429 --> 00:47:47,553
Yeah.
832
00:47:47,679 --> 00:47:50,845
What's that?
What's that, Mrs Thistle?
833
00:47:50,971 --> 00:47:52,886
No, I don't want to resit
my media studies.
834
00:47:53,012 --> 00:47:56,261
Stupid Mrs Thistle,
I don't want to retake it.
835
00:47:56,388 --> 00:47:59,553
You know why?
Cos I've found a new purpose in life.
836
00:47:59,679 --> 00:48:03,053
And here it is. Eat that shit!
837
00:48:03,888 --> 00:48:06,428
Eat that. Eat that. You fuck...
838
00:48:07,429 --> 00:48:09,970
Come on, lads. Let's go.
Salaam alaykum.
839
00:48:10,096 --> 00:48:13,553
- Alaykum salaam.
- You all right? Where are they?
840
00:48:13,679 --> 00:48:16,678
They've all gone, man.
They're using the fireworks for cover.
841
00:48:16,804 --> 00:48:19,928
Yeah, I know that. That was my idea.
Why didn't they wait for me?
842
00:48:20,054 --> 00:48:22,720
- Barry said that you said, "Go ahead."
- Did he?
843
00:48:22,846 --> 00:48:25,136
- I'm just on night shift.
- Yeah, you are, bro.
844
00:48:25,262 --> 00:48:28,678
If anybody comes knocking for Barry,
tell them you used to know him...
845
00:48:36,346 --> 00:48:38,136
Can I come?
846
00:48:48,429 --> 00:48:50,886
(Barry) Don't drop it, you prick!
847
00:48:51,012 --> 00:48:54,595
(Waj) Brother Faisal, if you drop this,
we're baked beans from here to Derby.
848
00:48:55,888 --> 00:48:58,595
- Slowly, slowly.
- (Faisal) Oh!
849
00:48:58,721 --> 00:48:59,761
- It's good.
- All right.
850
00:48:59,888 --> 00:49:03,095
- (Waj) Good, good.
- (Faisal) Let's get out of here.
851
00:49:04,012 --> 00:49:06,011
- (Waj) OK.
- (Barry) Come on. I'm gonna blow it.
852
00:49:06,138 --> 00:49:07,886
- Ready?
- (Faisal) All right.
853
00:49:10,429 --> 00:49:11,970
(Waj) Is it gonna be loud?
854
00:49:24,304 --> 00:49:26,303
(Waj) Did you see that?
855
00:49:26,429 --> 00:49:29,845
Fucking good, Barry. Fucking good.
That were proper good!
856
00:49:30,721 --> 00:49:32,928
- (Omar) Well done, Barry.
- (Barry) What's up?
857
00:49:33,054 --> 00:49:35,261
Did you miss it, bro?
Did you miss it, bro?
858
00:49:37,512 --> 00:49:41,053
I told you before, Barry, didn't I?
What were you lads playing at?
859
00:49:41,179 --> 00:49:45,386
- Why didn't you call me, Waj? Eh?
- I didn't have no credit.
860
00:49:46,846 --> 00:49:51,428
This breaks anti-surveillance protocol.
We shouldn't be back here till tomorrow.
861
00:49:51,554 --> 00:49:54,261
The protocol is that you were supposed
to stay here and guard the flat, Barry,
862
00:49:54,388 --> 00:49:56,386
cos there's a good chance
that you are being monitored.
863
00:49:56,512 --> 00:50:00,053
Is that an Islamic argument, brother?
I only listen to Islamic arguments.
864
00:50:00,179 --> 00:50:02,178
That was my microwave, Barry.
I had it ten years, that Matsui.
865
00:50:02,304 --> 00:50:03,720
I should've been there.
866
00:50:03,846 --> 00:50:06,011
Your microwave
has been well sacrificed.
867
00:50:06,138 --> 00:50:08,595
Don't screw with my jihad.
I'm telling you for the last time.
868
00:50:08,721 --> 00:50:11,345
- Your jihad? You said "my jihad".
- Our jihad. Don't screw with it.
869
00:50:11,471 --> 00:50:13,303
- Our jihad.
- What did he say, Fess?
870
00:50:13,429 --> 00:50:15,761
- Did he say "my jihad"?
- What difference does it make?
871
00:50:15,888 --> 00:50:19,678
- You said "my jihad".
- So what? This is such a small thing.
872
00:50:19,804 --> 00:50:21,053
(Waj) Hey!
873
00:50:21,179 --> 00:50:22,761
Come and have a look at this.
874
00:50:22,888 --> 00:50:25,845
(| "Dancing In The Moonlight"
plays on the stereo)
875
00:50:27,471 --> 00:50:29,928
| Dancing in the moonlight
876
00:50:30,054 --> 00:50:34,761
| Everybody's feeling warm and bright...
877
00:50:34,888 --> 00:50:37,136
(Both sing along)
878
00:50:37,262 --> 00:50:38,303
Hass!
879
00:50:39,596 --> 00:50:40,636
Claude!
880
00:50:46,346 --> 00:50:47,261
Shit!
881
00:50:48,721 --> 00:50:50,470
(Music stops)
882
00:50:57,512 --> 00:50:59,220
Right, it's time to go now, Alice.
883
00:50:59,346 --> 00:51:01,470
Why? What's going on?
884
00:51:01,596 --> 00:51:03,220
Nothing. We just need you to go.
885
00:51:06,888 --> 00:51:09,636
Oh.
886
00:51:09,762 --> 00:51:12,678
Oh, I get it.
I know what's going on here.
887
00:51:16,429 --> 00:51:17,886
I know what you lot are.
888
00:51:20,429 --> 00:51:22,261
You lot...
889
00:51:22,388 --> 00:51:24,386
are a bunch of Paki-bashers.
890
00:51:26,929 --> 00:51:31,595
- What?
- Mountie boys. Gays.
891
00:51:32,762 --> 00:51:35,636
- (Omar) Yes, we are so gay.
- (Waj) I'm not.
892
00:51:35,762 --> 00:51:37,303
Yes, you are. We all are.
893
00:51:37,429 --> 00:51:40,220
But mainly it's these two.
Isn't it, Norman?
894
00:51:43,638 --> 00:51:45,886
- Yes.
- Yeah, you love it, don't you?
895
00:51:46,012 --> 00:51:48,803
We've got to get down
to some gay business now, all of us.
896
00:51:54,221 --> 00:51:56,136
You lot aren't my friends any more.
897
00:52:02,304 --> 00:52:04,095
Safe, is he?
898
00:52:04,221 --> 00:52:08,386
She didn't see anything, man.
I swear to God, she didn't see the...
899
00:52:08,512 --> 00:52:11,220
The bolts and the...
I'll sort this out.
900
00:52:11,346 --> 00:52:14,095
I'll sort it out, man.
Just give me a minute.
901
00:52:14,221 --> 00:52:15,845
I'll go down and sort this shit out.
902
00:52:15,971 --> 00:52:18,136
You are going to sort it out
cos you're going to kill her.
903
00:52:18,262 --> 00:52:19,303
Kill her?
904
00:52:21,054 --> 00:52:23,303
We're gonna kill her?
905
00:52:23,429 --> 00:52:25,345
Not us, Waj. Hass.
906
00:52:26,971 --> 00:52:28,845
You want me to kill her?
907
00:52:30,179 --> 00:52:32,886
What, you can fuck her but you can't kill her?
What's wrong with you?
908
00:52:38,512 --> 00:52:41,511
Give him your pocket knife, Barry.
909
00:52:41,638 --> 00:52:44,678
There we go. There. Knife and fork.
Make a fucking meal of it.
910
00:52:47,554 --> 00:52:50,678
I'm not joking, bro.
Do I look like I'm joking?
911
00:52:50,804 --> 00:52:52,428
No. Now go on your way.
912
00:53:03,762 --> 00:53:04,803
How do I do it?
913
00:53:04,929 --> 00:53:07,678
Cut her head off
and bring it back in a bucket.
914
00:53:08,388 --> 00:53:09,428
Chop her head off?
915
00:53:09,554 --> 00:53:12,553
We're not really gonna kill her, are we?
You fucking idiot!
916
00:53:12,679 --> 00:53:14,636
Why don't we just call up the pigs
and dob ourselves in.
917
00:53:14,762 --> 00:53:17,470
That'd be clever.
A body on our hands to trail back to us.
918
00:53:17,596 --> 00:53:18,928
Shut up!
919
00:53:19,054 --> 00:53:20,845
What are we gonna do with all this?
920
00:53:20,971 --> 00:53:23,011
She's seen it now.
We've got to move it now.
921
00:53:23,138 --> 00:53:25,511
- We're gonna put it in Barry's allotment.
- We'll put it...
922
00:53:25,638 --> 00:53:27,511
Shut up, Barry. Solved.
Problem solved.
923
00:53:27,638 --> 00:53:29,553
Daddy's come home
and wiped everyone's arse, hasn't he?
924
00:53:29,679 --> 00:53:33,470
That's what jihad's about.
It's me wiping your arses.
925
00:53:33,596 --> 00:53:35,595
Oh, sorry. One minute. Hello, Gaza?
926
00:53:35,721 --> 00:53:39,428
Yeah, Omar would love to come
and help but he can't, he's really busy
927
00:53:39,554 --> 00:53:41,970
wiping up the fountains of shit
spraying out the arses of these...
928
00:53:48,512 --> 00:53:50,386
OK, thank you.
929
00:53:56,179 --> 00:53:58,053
Who were on the phone?
930
00:54:01,429 --> 00:54:02,886
(Engine judders)
931
00:54:04,429 --> 00:54:05,470
Slow down, please.
932
00:54:09,679 --> 00:54:12,178
(Omar) Get us there in one piece, Barry.
Go easy.
933
00:54:13,679 --> 00:54:15,345
Go easy!
934
00:54:15,471 --> 00:54:16,928
(Omar curses)
935
00:54:18,388 --> 00:54:19,511
(All) Oh! Oh!
936
00:54:19,638 --> 00:54:21,928
Don't rattle the stuff, Barry.
Slow down, man.
937
00:54:22,054 --> 00:54:23,720
Use your eyes, boys.
We've got a predator.
938
00:54:23,846 --> 00:54:26,220
What, the milk float?
939
00:54:26,346 --> 00:54:29,428
- That's a milk float!
- The Feds work undercover, you mug!
940
00:54:29,554 --> 00:54:30,636
(Car rumbles)
941
00:54:30,762 --> 00:54:31,803
(Barry) No, no.
942
00:54:31,929 --> 00:54:34,011
No, no!
943
00:54:35,054 --> 00:54:36,928
No, don't do this to me!
944
00:54:37,054 --> 00:54:38,470
Come on!
945
00:54:38,596 --> 00:54:40,220
(Engine cuts out)
946
00:54:40,346 --> 00:54:41,761
(Bang)
947
00:54:42,471 --> 00:54:44,470
Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck!
948
00:54:45,762 --> 00:54:48,303
Fuck, fuck, fuck it!
949
00:54:50,596 --> 00:54:52,345
- Did you fix this, then, Barry?
- Yes, I fixed it!
950
00:54:52,471 --> 00:54:55,136
- Did you?
- It's the parts. They're Jewish.
951
00:54:55,262 --> 00:54:57,303
What parts in a car are Jewish?
952
00:55:02,304 --> 00:55:03,970
- (Faisal) Spark plugs?
- (Barry) Spark plugs.
953
00:55:04,096 --> 00:55:07,345
Jews invented spark plugs
to control global traffic.
954
00:55:09,221 --> 00:55:12,386
Right, everybody calm down.
We're gonna grab the gear and walk.
955
00:55:12,512 --> 00:55:16,011
All right, but check the roofs, boys.
There could still be an ambush.
956
00:55:16,138 --> 00:55:18,845
Careful, careful with that. Watch out.
957
00:55:21,346 --> 00:55:23,970
Easy does it. Just act natural. OK?
958
00:55:26,471 --> 00:55:28,761
(Barry) One jolt and this stuff could go, right?
959
00:55:28,888 --> 00:55:31,345
You got to run smooth, right?
960
00:55:31,471 --> 00:55:34,095
You got to run fast,
but you got to run smooth, right?
961
00:55:34,221 --> 00:55:35,636
Like this, right?
962
00:55:35,762 --> 00:55:39,386
This is fast but slow,
smooth but fast.
963
00:55:39,512 --> 00:55:42,970
Barry, we're fine! Lads, we're fine!
There's no need for any of this.
964
00:55:43,096 --> 00:55:45,803
We're fine, are we?
We're fucking surrounded. Look.
965
00:55:45,929 --> 00:55:47,803
- (Omar) Everybody get off the road.
- Omar!
966
00:55:47,929 --> 00:55:51,011
Anybody talks, I'm gonna make them
jump up and down till they go bang.
967
00:55:51,138 --> 00:55:54,803
Just keep your mouths shut
and let me deal with this, all right?
968
00:55:54,929 --> 00:55:57,678
Hey, man. How's it going?
969
00:55:57,804 --> 00:56:00,136
Nice little one-pack
you got going on there, bro.
970
00:56:00,262 --> 00:56:01,595
You're a pint of sauce, Omar.
971
00:56:01,721 --> 00:56:04,928
Have you managed to run a mile yet
without stopping for a milkshake?
972
00:56:05,054 --> 00:56:08,011
- Make that 12 miles, Mr Khan. All right, lads?
- All right.
973
00:56:08,804 --> 00:56:10,261
What's with the bags?
974
00:56:10,388 --> 00:56:11,511
- Shopping.
- Marzipan.
975
00:56:11,638 --> 00:56:12,886
- Toys.
- Chicken.
976
00:56:14,679 --> 00:56:17,428
- We're about to go and play football.
- Yeah?
977
00:56:17,554 --> 00:56:19,761
We should grab all this kit
and head down there to the pitch.
978
00:56:19,888 --> 00:56:21,636
- (Matt) Yeah.
- (Omar) All right, bro.
979
00:56:21,762 --> 00:56:23,303
Right. See you in a bit, man.
980
00:56:25,721 --> 00:56:28,720
Hey, lads. Wait, look.
You forgot this.
981
00:56:28,846 --> 00:56:30,470
- Hey! Hey!
- Aahh!
982
00:56:33,512 --> 00:56:34,553
(Nervous laughter)
983
00:56:34,679 --> 00:56:36,303
What's that?
984
00:56:36,429 --> 00:56:39,470
That bag's full of really fragile...
985
00:56:39,596 --> 00:56:41,595
boots.
986
00:56:41,721 --> 00:56:45,345
- Are they all right?
- Yeah. That's just thigh exercises.
987
00:56:46,888 --> 00:56:49,761
- What?
- Quad squats. You know, squat jogs.
988
00:56:49,888 --> 00:56:53,261
It's just... It's for the marathon.
I thought you'd know.
989
00:56:53,388 --> 00:56:56,428
- Yeah? Squat jogs?
- Yeah.
990
00:56:57,138 --> 00:56:58,636
All right, man. See you in a bit.
991
00:56:58,762 --> 00:56:59,928
Like that.
992
00:57:00,054 --> 00:57:01,761
- Squat jogs, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
993
00:57:02,221 --> 00:57:04,136
- Down?
- Bit lower.
994
00:57:04,262 --> 00:57:06,053
- Safe-age, mate!
- All right, man.
995
00:57:10,721 --> 00:57:12,470
- Take care, man.
- Yeah, yeah.
996
00:57:32,262 --> 00:57:35,553
- (Waj) All right, brothers?
- Oh, Alhamdulillah, bro.
997
00:57:35,679 --> 00:57:36,928
- Yeah.
- We skilled it.
998
00:57:37,054 --> 00:57:38,095
Where's Faisal?
999
00:57:38,888 --> 00:57:41,845
Hey, boys.
Boys, come and have a look at this.
1000
00:57:43,012 --> 00:57:44,511
Can you see him?
1001
00:57:44,638 --> 00:57:46,261
(Hassan laughs)
1002
00:57:46,388 --> 00:57:48,178
(Barry) Hey, bro!
1003
00:57:48,304 --> 00:57:49,678
Run!
1004
00:57:50,888 --> 00:57:52,636
(Waj) Hey, brother Faisal!
1005
00:57:52,762 --> 00:57:54,136
Over the wall, Faisal!
1006
00:57:54,262 --> 00:57:57,553
- (Waj) Yeah, run faster, bro!
- (Barry) Yeah, but not too fast!
1007
00:58:33,679 --> 00:58:35,136
Where is he?
1008
00:58:57,929 --> 00:59:01,178
- It was a martyr's death.
- Gone to paradise, innit, brother Omar?
1009
00:59:02,554 --> 00:59:06,428
- (Barry) He disrupted the infrastructure.
- How did he do that?
1010
00:59:07,512 --> 00:59:09,386
He took out a sheep.
1011
00:59:10,346 --> 00:59:12,220
Magnificently took it right out.
1012
00:59:14,721 --> 00:59:15,761
Did he?
1013
00:59:17,346 --> 00:59:21,511
- Attacked the food supply.
- Some of it's in there... with him.
1014
00:59:21,638 --> 00:59:24,470
- What?
- I couldn't separate it.
1015
00:59:26,971 --> 00:59:31,178
So what is he, lads?
Is he a martyr or is he a fucking jalfrezi?
1016
00:59:31,304 --> 00:59:34,136
- He's a martyr.
- Right, this is bullshit!
1017
00:59:34,262 --> 00:59:36,845
- He is not a martyr.
- Yes, he is. He's part of the war.
1018
00:59:36,971 --> 00:59:39,595
What war?
The war on kuffar sheep?
1019
00:59:39,721 --> 00:59:43,178
- He's the first hero of the final jihad.
- He's not a hero, he's a dickhead.
1020
00:59:43,304 --> 00:59:45,511
And so are you, you're all dickheads.
1021
00:59:45,638 --> 00:59:47,386
Whoa, brother. That is out of order.
1022
00:59:47,512 --> 00:59:51,178
I've made a decision, Barry.
The mission's off.
1023
00:59:51,304 --> 00:59:54,345
It's finished, I'm done with this.
1024
00:59:54,471 --> 00:59:57,553
(Barry) You can't handle the war, brother.
You're having a wobble.
1025
00:59:57,679 --> 01:00:00,220
I've got nothing to have a wobble about.
My conscience is clear.
1026
01:00:00,346 --> 01:00:02,136
- You're the one who killed Faisal!
- I didn't kill him!
1027
01:00:02,262 --> 01:00:04,303
Yes, you did, you brought TV Paki in
1028
01:00:04,429 --> 01:00:06,303
after you saw him
making an arse out of himself
1029
01:00:06,429 --> 01:00:08,886
at a public meeting
you shouldn't even have been at.
1030
01:00:09,012 --> 01:00:10,511
And he blew our cover.
1031
01:00:10,638 --> 01:00:12,761
Ever since then,
you've had everybody so paranoid,
1032
01:00:12,888 --> 01:00:15,595
poor little Faisal's
panicked himself to death.
1033
01:00:15,721 --> 01:00:18,553
- So really Hassan killed him.
- No, you killed him.
1034
01:00:18,679 --> 01:00:21,011
No, you killed him.
You heard what he said.
1035
01:00:21,138 --> 01:00:24,428
- You killed him more.
- I thought it was a good thing he died.
1036
01:00:24,554 --> 01:00:26,636
Isn't he a martyr?
It's a good thing, right?
1037
01:00:28,512 --> 01:00:30,136
All right, I did kill him, then.
1038
01:00:30,262 --> 01:00:33,303
I martyred him. He's up there now,
keeping my seat warm.
1039
01:00:36,638 --> 01:00:39,970
- Come on, our kid, let's go.
- I think I martyred him a bit, too.
1040
01:00:40,096 --> 01:00:41,803
What?
1041
01:00:41,929 --> 01:00:45,053
- We got to keep on.
- You got a plan, Waj?
1042
01:00:46,596 --> 01:00:49,845
- Blow something up.
- What are we going to blow up, Waj?
1043
01:00:51,221 --> 01:00:53,261
Internet.
1044
01:00:53,388 --> 01:00:56,345
We'll blow up the internet
for brother Faisal.
1045
01:00:56,471 --> 01:00:58,178
We're mujahid, brother, yeah?
1046
01:00:58,304 --> 01:00:59,761
Rubber Dinghy Rapids, yeah?
1047
01:00:59,888 --> 01:01:02,053
You're not a mujahid.
You're a fucking idiot.
1048
01:01:02,179 --> 01:01:05,511
Do you think a real mujahid gives a fuck
about Rubber Dinghy Rapids
1049
01:01:05,638 --> 01:01:07,886
and gets his deen from
The Cat That Went To Mecca,
1050
01:01:08,012 --> 01:01:10,845
a book he can't finish
cos it's far too fucking advanced for him?
1051
01:01:10,971 --> 01:01:13,845
I tell you what, I've got a plan for you.
Why don't you go with...
1052
01:01:16,262 --> 01:01:17,886
...and lose yourself in the forest?
1053
01:01:34,679 --> 01:01:36,136
(Male voices)
1054
01:01:54,096 --> 01:01:55,470
Omar!
1055
01:01:59,512 --> 01:02:01,053
Salaam, Omar.
1056
01:02:01,179 --> 01:02:02,886
Salaam alaykum, bro.
1057
01:02:05,804 --> 01:02:09,511
You and your boys look like...
something rubbish.
1058
01:02:10,179 --> 01:02:11,636
You all right, Omar?
1059
01:02:13,262 --> 01:02:15,053
Yeah, yeah. I am, as it goes.
1060
01:02:17,012 --> 01:02:20,303
- Listen, can I ask you something?
- Why not, brother?
1061
01:02:21,679 --> 01:02:24,845
Screw it, doesn't matter.
You've already started doing the face.
1062
01:02:24,971 --> 01:02:26,970
Why not come to our study group, Omar?
1063
01:02:27,096 --> 01:02:29,761
What, and get a four-hour dose of that face?
1064
01:02:29,888 --> 01:02:33,636
The floaty face of the wise bird,
hovering on a million quotes,
1065
01:02:33,762 --> 01:02:36,928
about to do a massive wisdom shit on my head.
1066
01:02:37,054 --> 01:02:38,511
Forget it.
1067
01:03:09,138 --> 01:03:12,595
Omar, what are you doing?
It's the middle of the night.
1068
01:03:13,971 --> 01:03:15,220
What is that?
1069
01:03:15,346 --> 01:03:18,511
- It's a puffin party.
- A what?
1070
01:03:18,638 --> 01:03:20,595
- It's a puffin party.
- A puffin party?
1071
01:03:20,721 --> 01:03:24,595
- I'm talking to Waj's puffin.
- Omar, what are you talking about?
1072
01:03:24,721 --> 01:03:27,386
It's the boys. I've left them.
1073
01:03:27,512 --> 01:03:31,886
Now Hassan's puffin won't talk to me,
Waj's puffin's just told me to piss off,
1074
01:03:32,471 --> 01:03:36,053
Barry's puffin's turned all red
and is hiding under the pirate hat.
1075
01:03:38,221 --> 01:03:40,386
Faisal's dead.
1076
01:03:41,679 --> 01:03:43,636
He's dead. They...
1077
01:03:43,762 --> 01:03:48,345
He was carrying explosives
and he tripped up over a sheep.
1078
01:03:50,929 --> 01:03:53,136
They're total idiots, Sof.
1079
01:03:55,638 --> 01:03:58,970
Well, it must have been God's plan
for him to be blown up on a sheep.
1080
01:04:00,596 --> 01:04:03,636
Come on, Sof.
How can that be God's plan?
1081
01:04:03,762 --> 01:04:08,011
Well, it can't be God's plan
to leave the lads with Barry, can it?
1082
01:04:12,096 --> 01:04:13,761
Come here.
1083
01:04:17,138 --> 01:04:20,720
You were much more fun
when you were gonna blow yourself up, love.
1084
01:04:22,304 --> 01:04:24,928
I am gonna blow myself up, right?
1085
01:04:25,054 --> 01:04:29,303
Just not in a mosque
or in a chemist's or on top of a duck.
1086
01:04:29,429 --> 01:04:33,511
Right, well, if they're gonna blow
themselves up in the wrong place,
1087
01:04:33,638 --> 01:04:37,220
you've got to make sure
you all blow up in the right place.
1088
01:04:39,179 --> 01:04:42,886
Sof, I can't even get them to stir their tea
without smashing a window.
1089
01:04:43,012 --> 01:04:46,803
What does your heart say, hmm?
1090
01:04:46,929 --> 01:04:48,720
God's in your heart, Dad.
1091
01:04:48,846 --> 01:04:51,136
Oi, you, come here.
1092
01:04:52,679 --> 01:04:54,595
Sorry, I heard talking.
1093
01:04:55,929 --> 01:04:58,553
Can we finish off
the story about Simba's jihad?
1094
01:04:58,679 --> 01:05:01,261
Yeah, we can do that tomorrow.
Come on, off to bed.
1095
01:05:01,388 --> 01:05:03,303
Does he become a martyr, eh, Dad?
1096
01:05:05,429 --> 01:05:08,553
Don't you worry,
cos even if he gets blown to bits,
1097
01:05:08,679 --> 01:05:10,136
he's gonna die smiling.
1098
01:05:10,262 --> 01:05:13,595
- He'll go straight to heaven.
- Yeah.
1099
01:05:13,721 --> 01:05:16,386
He'll be in heaven
before his head hits the ceiling.
1100
01:05:32,846 --> 01:05:38,553
An Asian man's head was found less
than 2 miles from the city centre today.
1101
01:05:38,679 --> 01:05:41,803
Steven Fap discovered
the Asian man's head
1102
01:05:41,929 --> 01:05:44,761
when it nearly fell onto his dog out of a tree.
1103
01:05:44,888 --> 01:05:47,511
A head fell out of the tree
and nearly hit my dog.
1104
01:05:47,638 --> 01:05:49,678
The man has not been identified,
1105
01:05:49,804 --> 01:05:54,428
but it seems that he may have died
while trying to cause an explosion.
1106
01:06:03,929 --> 01:06:06,178
- Yo, Matt... Is Matt here?
- He's in the back.
1107
01:06:06,304 --> 01:06:08,386
- Terry, step outside, bro.
- Say that again.
1108
01:06:08,512 --> 01:06:10,261
I need you to go outside.
Get a doughnut.
1109
01:06:10,388 --> 01:06:13,761
- I've got one.
- Get another one.
1110
01:06:13,888 --> 01:06:15,261
- Matt?
- Oh, thanks!
1111
01:06:15,388 --> 01:06:16,553
- Omar?
- Yeah, mate.
1112
01:06:16,679 --> 01:06:19,428
- Can you can help me with this?
- I got to ask you something first.
1113
01:06:19,554 --> 01:06:21,511
I booked a clown and they gave me this.
1114
01:06:21,638 --> 01:06:24,220
It's the wrong way up.
I can't run in a wrong-way-up clown!
1115
01:06:24,346 --> 01:06:25,720
They said, "You ordered it."
1116
01:06:25,846 --> 01:06:27,928
- Why would I order a wrong-way-up clown?
- It's fine.
1117
01:06:28,054 --> 01:06:30,470
- I can sort you out.
- I didn't even know what one was.
1118
01:06:30,596 --> 01:06:33,345
I can sort you out with another costume
so you can do the marathon.
1119
01:06:33,471 --> 01:06:36,761
I said, "You're gonna cause
a pile-up at the marathon with me
1120
01:06:36,888 --> 01:06:39,928
"flat to my arse in a costume
I can't even bloody believe exists."
1121
01:06:40,054 --> 01:06:43,511
I've got you a rabbit costume at home.
You can run the marathon in that.
1122
01:06:43,638 --> 01:06:45,345
- Can I run in a rabbit?
- Course you can.
1123
01:06:45,471 --> 01:06:48,095
It's amazing. It's a rabbit, right?
Panic over. Done?
1124
01:06:48,221 --> 01:06:50,261
- Yes, I'm sorry.
- I've got to ask you something.
1125
01:06:50,388 --> 01:06:52,303
Have you?
Have you seen the news?
1126
01:06:52,429 --> 01:06:54,553
- Yeah, the head.
- What do you know about that?
1127
01:06:54,679 --> 01:06:57,136
Well, they're just saying it's jihadi.
1128
01:06:57,262 --> 01:06:59,803
They've got him.
Filmed him blowing up a crow.
1129
01:07:00,762 --> 01:07:04,803
Its not jihadi, though, is it, Omar,
blowing up a crow?
1130
01:07:05,638 --> 01:07:06,678
Omar?
1131
01:07:07,721 --> 01:07:11,595
No, it's a cultural thing. We bazooka-ed
an ostrich at that wedding I was at.
1132
01:07:11,721 --> 01:07:15,220
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I... I've got to go, Matt.
1133
01:07:20,721 --> 01:07:21,761
(Knock at door)
1134
01:07:21,888 --> 01:07:22,928
(Waj) Shit!
1135
01:07:24,971 --> 01:07:26,428
God help us.
1136
01:07:29,388 --> 01:07:30,720
(Knocking)
1137
01:07:30,846 --> 01:07:34,553
- (Hassan) That's the police, man.
- (Barry) All right. Arm yourselves.
1138
01:07:35,721 --> 01:07:37,428
All right?
1139
01:07:38,221 --> 01:07:39,595
- Oi.
- (Omar) Get out of my way, Barry.
1140
01:07:40,179 --> 01:07:43,970
Oi! Fuck off out the back door!
You're not part of this now.
1141
01:07:44,096 --> 01:07:46,886
Lads, this is an emergency.
They found Faisal's head.
1142
01:07:47,012 --> 01:07:49,803
The head that you buried 5 feet
underneath your shed
1143
01:07:49,929 --> 01:07:51,720
fell out of a tree onto a dog.
1144
01:07:51,846 --> 01:07:53,720
Good. Dogs contradict Islam.
1145
01:07:53,846 --> 01:07:55,470
Dibble is onto us, lads.
1146
01:07:56,138 --> 01:07:59,261
- Dibble is on to us.
- I told you, it was a knee.
1147
01:07:59,388 --> 01:08:01,261
(Barry) That was a head.
It was obviously a head.
1148
01:08:01,388 --> 01:08:02,553
It had a hinge!
1149
01:08:03,679 --> 01:08:05,720
Right. So, I've just seen Matt.
1150
01:08:05,846 --> 01:08:08,261
Matt is running
the London marathon tomorrow.
1151
01:08:08,388 --> 01:08:09,928
He's doing it in costume.
1152
01:08:10,054 --> 01:08:11,970
You know they run in costume?
Well, so can we.
1153
01:08:12,096 --> 01:08:14,928
We can disguise the gear in there
and it's perfect.
1154
01:08:15,054 --> 01:08:17,886
We've got live TV,
prime targets all along the road.
1155
01:08:18,012 --> 01:08:20,011
We've got a target, Omar.
It's the mosque.
1156
01:08:20,138 --> 01:08:21,178
(Omar) When you meet God,
1157
01:08:21,304 --> 01:08:23,928
do you want to tell him,
"I struck a blow for the brothers"?
1158
01:08:24,054 --> 01:08:27,803
- Or "I blew a load of them up"?
- Blew a load of 'em up. He'll love that.
1159
01:08:27,929 --> 01:08:30,261
Come on, lads. Waj?
1160
01:08:30,388 --> 01:08:32,636
I'm not on your side any more, brother Omar.
1161
01:08:34,679 --> 01:08:37,178
- You ripped me up, bro.
- Mashallah.
1162
01:08:37,304 --> 01:08:38,761
Waj, bro...
1163
01:08:40,262 --> 01:08:42,053
I'm really sorry.
1164
01:08:42,179 --> 01:08:44,511
My head was in a mess cos of Faisal.
1165
01:08:46,012 --> 01:08:47,928
I should've stayed.
1166
01:08:49,471 --> 01:08:51,053
Why didn't you, then?
1167
01:08:51,179 --> 01:08:52,720
Cos I made a mistake.
1168
01:08:52,846 --> 01:08:56,095
But you didn't. You listened to your heart
and you did the right thing.
1169
01:08:58,179 --> 01:09:01,761
No, ignore him, Waj. He's being nice.
1170
01:09:01,888 --> 01:09:04,303
You cannot win an argument
just by being nice.
1171
01:09:04,429 --> 01:09:07,136
Not just by being nice, Baz.
I'm right as well, aren't I?
1172
01:09:07,262 --> 01:09:09,428
You cannot win an argument
just by being right.
1173
01:09:10,679 --> 01:09:12,386
- No?
- No. No way.
1174
01:09:13,554 --> 01:09:16,720
- I think maybe you can, Barry?
- Who asked you, fuck-brain?
1175
01:09:24,596 --> 01:09:27,136
Barry's not a good emir, brother Omar.
1176
01:09:27,262 --> 01:09:30,011
He made me do bad stuff in the woods.
1177
01:09:30,138 --> 01:09:31,595
Like what?
1178
01:09:33,512 --> 01:09:36,886
He said, if I was a proper mujahid,
1179
01:09:37,012 --> 01:09:38,886
I'd wiz in my own mouth.
1180
01:09:40,096 --> 01:09:43,303
You made him wee in his own gob?
1181
01:09:44,221 --> 01:09:46,220
What is wrong with you, bro?
1182
01:09:46,346 --> 01:09:47,928
It's submission.
It's the rules of submission.
1183
01:09:48,054 --> 01:09:50,386
(Waj) It felt really bad, brother.
1184
01:09:50,512 --> 01:09:52,720
It's not too tricky
once you get the aim right,
1185
01:09:52,846 --> 01:09:55,845
but it just feels like really proper wrong.
1186
01:09:56,888 --> 01:09:59,470
All wee splashing off your teeth.
1187
01:10:04,638 --> 01:10:10,303
Bro, I swear, bro,
I may ask you to blow yourself up
1188
01:10:10,429 --> 01:10:13,011
but I will never ask you
to piss in your own mouth.
1189
01:10:14,596 --> 01:10:16,428
- Yeah?
- Yeah, bro. Promise.
1190
01:10:18,471 --> 01:10:21,470
- No more widdle in my gob.
- Promise, bro.
1191
01:10:23,721 --> 01:10:25,428
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
1192
01:10:27,721 --> 01:10:30,553
Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother.
1193
01:10:30,679 --> 01:10:32,345
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
1194
01:10:39,346 --> 01:10:40,678
See this, brother Hass?
1195
01:10:40,804 --> 01:10:43,428
It's gays at work.
It's not Muslims, it's gays.
1196
01:10:43,554 --> 01:10:46,553
OK, brother Hass,
marathon or mosque?
1197
01:10:48,096 --> 01:10:51,720
- Either way, we're gonna blow, right?
- Yeah, to pieces, brother.
1198
01:10:51,846 --> 01:10:55,261
Yeah, but... we die smiling, bro.
1199
01:11:01,346 --> 01:11:03,595
Yeah, wicked.
1200
01:11:03,721 --> 01:11:05,303
Wicked. Yeah, man.
1201
01:11:05,429 --> 01:11:07,845
Let's blow up a load offit slags
at the marathon, yeah?
1202
01:11:07,971 --> 01:11:08,970
(Hassan) Oh, yes!
1203
01:11:09,096 --> 01:11:10,678
(Omar) Yes, bro.
1204
01:11:10,804 --> 01:11:12,303
(Hassan) Wicked. Yes!
1205
01:11:12,429 --> 01:11:14,011
Come on, Barry. We're lions, bro.
1206
01:11:14,138 --> 01:11:15,761
- Four lions.
- (Hassan) Yes!
1207
01:11:15,888 --> 01:11:17,803
Good lad.
1208
01:11:19,138 --> 01:11:20,428
(Shouting)
1209
01:11:21,388 --> 01:11:22,970
Down on the floor!
1210
01:11:25,471 --> 01:11:27,220
(Shouting)
1211
01:11:43,388 --> 01:11:45,011
I'll be two minutes.
1212
01:11:57,804 --> 01:12:00,011
(Sofia) What's it concerning?
1213
01:12:00,138 --> 01:12:02,428
We trying to ascertain the whereabouts
of your brother-in-law.
1214
01:12:02,554 --> 01:12:03,595
Why, what's up?
1215
01:12:03,721 --> 01:12:05,970
Tell us when you saw him last.
1216
01:12:07,138 --> 01:12:09,136
Well...
1217
01:12:09,262 --> 01:12:10,928
I can't remember
the last time I saw him.
1218
01:12:13,971 --> 01:12:16,345
Right, nurse, still on shift? Sorry.
1219
01:12:16,471 --> 01:12:19,720
So, I've got the stats back
from cubicle seven.
1220
01:12:19,846 --> 01:12:22,678
They need some more blood supplies
for the knee.
1221
01:12:22,804 --> 01:12:23,845
The what?
1222
01:12:23,971 --> 01:12:26,720
Yes, the knee string.
The knee string's come off.
1223
01:12:26,846 --> 01:12:28,928
Hm.
1224
01:12:29,054 --> 01:12:31,053
I've finished my shift now.
1225
01:12:31,179 --> 01:12:34,136
So I'm going to take my team
up to the top floor.
1226
01:12:34,262 --> 01:12:35,470
- Right?
- OK.
1227
01:12:35,596 --> 01:12:37,136
So I'll see you up there.
1228
01:12:39,012 --> 01:12:40,345
Yeah?
1229
01:12:41,888 --> 01:12:43,470
- OK.
- Yeah?
1230
01:12:43,596 --> 01:12:46,303
You all right, lads.
You going to arrest me?
1231
01:12:46,429 --> 01:12:47,761
- No, no.
- Carry on.
1232
01:12:47,888 --> 01:12:49,720
OK.
1233
01:12:54,138 --> 01:12:58,261
Right, so your brother-in-law,
when was the last time you saw him?
1234
01:12:58,388 --> 01:13:00,970
(Sofia) Er, like I said, about two months ago.
1235
01:13:13,096 --> 01:13:15,053
(Car stereo plays)
1236
01:13:37,012 --> 01:13:39,511
| Dancing in the moonlight
1237
01:13:39,638 --> 01:13:44,261
| Everybody's feeling warm and bright
1238
01:13:44,388 --> 01:13:48,011
| Such a fine and natural sight
1239
01:13:48,138 --> 01:13:52,720
| Everybody's dancing in the moonlight...
1240
01:14:17,054 --> 01:14:18,928
(Omar) Come on lads, we're late.
1241
01:14:21,429 --> 01:14:23,511
- Is it all right?
- It's all right there now.
1242
01:14:23,638 --> 01:14:25,803
- Yeah.
- Right, we're nearly done, our kid.
1243
01:14:25,929 --> 01:14:27,470
(Waj) Yeah, nearly done.
1244
01:14:27,596 --> 01:14:29,136
- (Omar) OK?
- (Waj) Yeah.
1245
01:14:35,054 --> 01:14:36,553
Mujahid, brothers!
1246
01:14:36,679 --> 01:14:39,720
- (Barry) Mujahid.
- Mujahid, brother Hassan.
1247
01:14:39,846 --> 01:14:41,095
(Hassan) Mujahid!
1248
01:14:44,679 --> 01:14:46,386
Defo right thing, yeah, bro?
1249
01:14:46,512 --> 01:14:47,886
What?
1250
01:14:48,012 --> 01:14:50,303
Blowing up kuffar and that?
1251
01:14:50,429 --> 01:14:52,761
- Totally legit, yeah?
- Yeah.
1252
01:14:52,888 --> 01:14:54,345
Good. Wicked.
1253
01:14:55,304 --> 01:14:57,678
I was just... just checking and that.
1254
01:14:59,429 --> 01:15:03,136
Waj, don't listen to your brain, bro.
1255
01:15:03,262 --> 01:15:06,803
OK? The shaitan,
he gets in there with his wasa-wasa.
1256
01:15:06,929 --> 01:15:10,761
What you've got to do,
you've got to listen to your heart. Remember?
1257
01:15:10,888 --> 01:15:14,636
- My heart. Yeah, brother Omar.
- So, what does your heart say?
1258
01:15:14,762 --> 01:15:16,511
It says, er...
1259
01:15:16,638 --> 01:15:18,720
"It's wrong, Waj, don't do it."
1260
01:15:22,721 --> 01:15:24,178
And what does your brain say?
1261
01:15:28,888 --> 01:15:30,928
"We're here...
1262
01:15:32,388 --> 01:15:34,845
"...together, strapped up,
1263
01:15:34,971 --> 01:15:37,928
"and it would be, like,
well pathetic to cop out now."
1264
01:15:38,054 --> 01:15:40,220
Right, um...
1265
01:15:40,346 --> 01:15:44,095
- So he should listen to his brain.
- No, he's got to listen to his heart, Barry.
1266
01:15:44,221 --> 01:15:47,886
Anyway, this is Waj's brain.
Since when do we listen to Waj's brain?
1267
01:15:48,012 --> 01:15:50,345
- Sorry, bro.
- No, I agree. I'm thick as fudge.
1268
01:15:50,471 --> 01:15:53,261
His brain says do it,
so his brain's got to be right!
1269
01:15:53,971 --> 01:15:56,678
That can't be his brain, right?
That's his heart, Barry.
1270
01:15:56,804 --> 01:16:00,553
- Feels like my brain, brother.
- OK, this is what's happened.
1271
01:16:02,554 --> 01:16:05,053
What's happened is,
the shaitan has confused you.
1272
01:16:06,596 --> 01:16:08,595
He's swapped round
your brain and your heart.
1273
01:16:08,721 --> 01:16:13,345
So, don't listen
to what you think is your heart,
1274
01:16:13,471 --> 01:16:15,345
cos that's actually your brain -
1275
01:16:15,471 --> 01:16:18,345
in disguise as your heart.
1276
01:16:18,471 --> 01:16:21,386
Right? And what you thought
was your brain,
1277
01:16:21,512 --> 01:16:23,595
that's... that's your heart.
1278
01:16:25,471 --> 01:16:27,470
That's actually your heart.
1279
01:16:27,596 --> 01:16:29,345
My brain is my heart.
1280
01:16:29,471 --> 01:16:32,011
You got it, our kid. So just...
1281
01:16:32,554 --> 01:16:33,595
What's up there?
1282
01:16:33,721 --> 01:16:34,845
Heart.
1283
01:16:37,054 --> 01:16:38,970
OK? Yeah? Follow your heart.
1284
01:16:39,096 --> 01:16:40,470
Nice one, brother.
1285
01:16:40,596 --> 01:16:43,303
- Right?
- Nice one. Alhamdulillah.
1286
01:16:44,721 --> 01:16:46,470
- Hey, hey!
- (Omar) What?
1287
01:16:47,138 --> 01:16:49,511
Oh, behn choad!
1288
01:16:49,638 --> 01:16:51,511
We're doing a fun run for a kid's charity.
1289
01:16:51,638 --> 01:16:53,761
Stretches, stretches, stretches.
1290
01:16:53,888 --> 01:16:56,178
- We're running for charity.
- What kind of charity?
1291
01:16:56,304 --> 01:16:57,845
- For kids.
- What kind of kids?
1292
01:16:57,971 --> 01:16:59,136
Policemen's kids.
1293
01:17:00,679 --> 01:17:02,720
You all right, officer?
1294
01:17:02,846 --> 01:17:05,386
- Late for the fun run, lads?
- What's it to you?
1295
01:17:05,512 --> 01:17:09,720
Yeah, we are, actually. Do you know
how we can get to the red zone?
1296
01:17:12,012 --> 01:17:14,095
You can't run in that, can you?
1297
01:17:15,554 --> 01:17:17,636
He just drew the short straw.
1298
01:17:18,971 --> 01:17:20,845
Four short straws were there?
1299
01:17:22,138 --> 01:17:23,678
(Nervous laughter)
1300
01:17:25,596 --> 01:17:27,886
Red zone? It's back down there, left.
1301
01:17:28,012 --> 01:17:31,928
Second left again, then there's marshals.
They'll tell you where to park.
1302
01:17:32,054 --> 01:17:33,511
Thank you.
1303
01:17:34,679 --> 01:17:36,470
You're gonna die in that gear, lads.
1304
01:17:39,221 --> 01:17:41,386
- That's more than likely.
- (Waj) Proper likely.
1305
01:17:41,512 --> 01:17:43,595
(Barry) We're all going to die, yeah.
1306
01:17:43,721 --> 01:17:45,970
It's all for a good cause, though.
1307
01:17:48,846 --> 01:17:50,720
Well, good luck.
1308
01:17:52,679 --> 01:17:54,261
Have a good day.
1309
01:17:54,388 --> 01:17:56,428
(Omar) Everybody OK?
Everybody strapped up?
1310
01:17:56,554 --> 01:18:00,053
Got your detonator on?
Hass, you got your number?
1311
01:18:00,179 --> 01:18:01,928
Hass, have you got your number?
1312
01:18:02,888 --> 01:18:03,845
Hey!
1313
01:18:03,971 --> 01:18:05,720
- Where the fuck has he gone?
- Shit!
1314
01:18:05,846 --> 01:18:07,303
What the fuck's he doing?
1315
01:18:07,429 --> 01:18:09,136
Help! Help!
1316
01:18:09,262 --> 01:18:11,470
- I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!
- Stop!
1317
01:18:12,512 --> 01:18:14,886
- I've got a bomb!
- He's bottled it.
1318
01:18:15,012 --> 01:18:17,178
It's the costume.
The legs make the hands go up.
1319
01:18:17,304 --> 01:18:20,345
- I've got a bomb but it's a mistake!
- No, he said he's got a bomb.
1320
01:18:20,471 --> 01:18:23,511
- (Policeman) You've got a bomb?
- Yeah, but I'm not a bomber!
1321
01:18:23,638 --> 01:18:25,928
Don't worry.
1322
01:18:26,054 --> 01:18:28,136
- This is a fucking bad prank, mate!
- No, no!
1323
01:18:28,262 --> 01:18:31,136
No, I'm real, but not any more.
1324
01:18:31,888 --> 01:18:33,511
You're real but not any more?
1325
01:18:33,638 --> 01:18:35,720
I don't understand.
Have you got a bomb?
1326
01:18:35,846 --> 01:18:37,553
Yes, but it's not going to go off.
1327
01:18:37,679 --> 01:18:40,261
- How do I know that?
- Look.
1328
01:18:48,596 --> 01:18:50,720
We've got to go, now.
1329
01:18:50,846 --> 01:18:53,261
We need to go, now.
1330
01:18:53,388 --> 01:18:55,261
Now!
1331
01:19:03,221 --> 01:19:04,553
(Omar) Go! Come on, go!
1332
01:19:05,054 --> 01:19:08,470
Waj, try and find some targets.
I'll see you on the top floor, our kid.
1333
01:19:08,596 --> 01:19:10,053
Radisson-style penthouse suite!
1334
01:19:10,179 --> 01:19:11,428
Smooth running, Waj.
1335
01:19:11,554 --> 01:19:14,011
"Smooth running, Waj.
Smooth running."
1336
01:19:15,179 --> 01:19:17,553
- You killed Hassan!
- He bottled.
1337
01:19:17,679 --> 01:19:20,011
You took away his choice.
You de-martyred him.
1338
01:19:20,138 --> 01:19:22,053
Did Waj have a choice
when you told him
1339
01:19:22,179 --> 01:19:25,553
his heart was his brain
and his gob was his ring piece?
1340
01:19:25,679 --> 01:19:27,303
You tomatoed your friend.
1341
01:19:27,429 --> 01:19:30,053
- Barry...
- You've killed the special-needs donkey.
1342
01:19:30,179 --> 01:19:31,636
(Police siren)
1343
01:19:32,512 --> 01:19:33,553
No, I haven't.
1344
01:19:34,304 --> 01:19:35,886
Let him blow!
1345
01:19:36,012 --> 01:19:38,095
Let the retard blow!
1346
01:19:40,929 --> 01:19:42,428
Fuck!
1347
01:19:45,221 --> 01:19:46,678
(Helicopter overhead)
1348
01:19:53,138 --> 01:19:54,720
(Police siren)
1349
01:19:57,471 --> 01:19:58,845
(Applause and cheering)
1350
01:20:13,804 --> 01:20:15,095
Oi, you, stop!
1351
01:20:23,721 --> 01:20:25,595
(Horn)
1352
01:20:46,596 --> 01:20:47,636
All right, bro?
1353
01:20:47,846 --> 01:20:48,886
Hey!
1354
01:20:53,388 --> 01:20:54,886
Stay there!
1355
01:20:55,012 --> 01:20:57,761
I'm fucking loaded! Yeah?
1356
01:20:57,888 --> 01:21:00,595
No messing now, yeah?
1357
01:21:00,721 --> 01:21:03,595
That's it. Stay there.
1358
01:21:09,429 --> 01:21:11,470
Shut it. Shut the metal. Shut it.
1359
01:21:11,596 --> 01:21:12,886
Shut it!
1360
01:21:15,012 --> 01:21:17,470
Right, lads. See this, yeah?
1361
01:21:17,596 --> 01:21:18,928
Any of you do anything,
1362
01:21:19,679 --> 01:21:21,970
we're all turning baked beans, all right?
1363
01:21:22,096 --> 01:21:24,178
No fucking messing now. Yeah?
1364
01:21:27,054 --> 01:21:30,511
(Radio) Target confirmations are
ostrich and grizzly bear.
1365
01:21:30,638 --> 01:21:32,720
Ostrich and grizzly bear are the targets.
1366
01:21:40,346 --> 01:21:42,970
The bear is down. Repeat,
the bear is down. I got the bear.
1367
01:21:43,096 --> 01:21:45,386
I think that's a wookie.
That's a wookie.
1368
01:21:45,512 --> 01:21:46,886
No, it's not, it's a bear.
1369
01:21:48,221 --> 01:21:49,678
Is a wookie a bear, control?
1370
01:21:49,804 --> 01:21:53,553
The bear target has changed.
Target bear is now target Honey Monster.
1371
01:21:53,679 --> 01:21:55,928
Is a honey monster a bear?
1372
01:21:56,054 --> 01:21:58,511
A honey monster is not a bear.
1373
01:21:59,304 --> 01:22:01,053
A honey monster is a bear.
1374
01:22:01,179 --> 01:22:03,803
The honey monster is down.
He was a target. He was a bear.
1375
01:22:03,929 --> 01:22:05,178
The honey monster is down?
1376
01:22:05,304 --> 01:22:08,595
The honey monster is not down, control.
We have a wookie down.
1377
01:22:08,721 --> 01:22:11,511
- What's a wookie?
- A bear. It's a bear!
1378
01:22:11,638 --> 01:22:14,553
No, it is a wookie.
You've just shot it as a bear.
1379
01:22:14,679 --> 01:22:17,220
- Is a wookie a bear?
- It's a bear. Repeat, it's a bear.
1380
01:22:17,346 --> 01:22:19,428
The wookie is down.
The wookie is not the target.
1381
01:22:19,554 --> 01:22:22,470
Well, it must be the target.
I just shot it.
1382
01:22:28,304 --> 01:22:31,303
I'll just finish this,
then we're all off to heaven, all right?
1383
01:22:32,304 --> 01:22:34,386
Martyrs' suite, VIP lounge.
1384
01:22:35,721 --> 01:22:36,886
Are you going to kill us?
1385
01:22:37,012 --> 01:22:40,553
Well, I might have some seconds,
but I kind of am, yeah.
1386
01:22:41,471 --> 01:22:42,553
Why?
1387
01:22:42,679 --> 01:22:45,511
For jihad, man. Kuffar and that.
1388
01:22:45,638 --> 01:22:47,136
But we support jihad, bro.
1389
01:22:48,429 --> 01:22:51,011
I can't explain it, lads, but...
1390
01:22:51,138 --> 01:22:53,261
If brother Omar were here,
1391
01:22:53,388 --> 01:22:55,970
I swear he'd tell you knowledge
proper good.
1392
01:23:14,054 --> 01:23:15,595
(Mobile rings)
1393
01:23:17,888 --> 01:23:19,970
- Omar?
- Waj?
1394
01:23:20,096 --> 01:23:21,720
- Are you in paradise, bro?
- No, bro.
1395
01:23:21,846 --> 01:23:24,636
- I'm in a cafe. Where are you?
- I'm in a kebab shop.
1396
01:23:24,762 --> 01:23:28,053
I've got hostages and everything,
like Xbox Counter-Strike.
1397
01:23:28,179 --> 01:23:31,761
- Right, listen, Waj. You've got to...
- Thing is, they're all brothers.
1398
01:23:31,888 --> 01:23:36,053
I still get points for taking them with me,
though, yeah? Like Nectar card?
1399
01:23:38,054 --> 01:23:39,845
Omar?
1400
01:23:39,971 --> 01:23:43,220
- Let them all go. Just keep one of them.
- Eh?
1401
01:23:44,554 --> 01:23:47,011
Just grab one of them.
Let the rest of them go, Waj.
1402
01:23:47,138 --> 01:23:48,303
OK.
1403
01:23:49,138 --> 01:23:51,053
Right, you stay.
1404
01:23:51,179 --> 01:23:52,636
You three can go.
1405
01:23:55,554 --> 01:23:56,970
Go!
1406
01:23:57,096 --> 01:23:58,220
OK. Now listen, Waj.
1407
01:23:58,346 --> 01:24:00,761
What you were saying before
about this being wrong,
1408
01:24:00,888 --> 01:24:02,511
you were right, it is wrong.
1409
01:24:02,638 --> 01:24:04,511
- I don't... What do you mean?
- For you.
1410
01:24:04,638 --> 01:24:06,845
For you, Waj,
doing what you're doing is wrong.
1411
01:24:06,971 --> 01:24:10,470
Yeah, I know. It feels really wrong, bro.
But that's why it's right, yeah?
1412
01:24:11,429 --> 01:24:13,553
No, you're confused, bro.
1413
01:24:13,679 --> 01:24:15,136
I'm not confused, brother.
1414
01:24:15,262 --> 01:24:18,053
Yes, you are confused.
I confused you.
1415
01:24:18,179 --> 01:24:20,261
But when I'm confused,
I got my confused face.
1416
01:24:20,388 --> 01:24:21,720
Wait.
1417
01:24:30,804 --> 01:24:34,678
Bro, I just took a picture of my face.
It's defo not my confused face.
1418
01:24:34,804 --> 01:24:36,761
- Waj, I don't need...
- I'll send it you.
1419
01:24:36,888 --> 01:24:38,761
Waj. Waj, wait.
1420
01:24:38,888 --> 01:24:40,553
Listen to me, Waj. Wait.
1421
01:24:40,679 --> 01:24:43,886
"Listen to me." It's too late
to stick your hand up his arse now.
1422
01:24:47,346 --> 01:24:48,553
Aargh!
1423
01:24:48,679 --> 01:24:49,845
Oh!
1424
01:24:49,971 --> 01:24:52,220
Ah, look at the Paki Bono.
1425
01:24:52,346 --> 01:24:53,761
You want to call him?
1426
01:24:53,888 --> 01:24:55,845
You want to call
the special-needs donkey?
1427
01:24:55,971 --> 01:24:57,511
Here you go.
1428
01:24:57,638 --> 01:24:59,303
You forgot the SIM card.
1429
01:25:10,596 --> 01:25:12,053
Mind out. Mind out the way.
1430
01:25:13,512 --> 01:25:15,345
Easy, chap. OK.
1431
01:25:15,471 --> 01:25:18,261
It's all right, I can Heimlich.
That's it, don't fight me.
1432
01:25:18,388 --> 01:25:20,636
- Wait.
- I've done this before, sonny.
1433
01:25:20,762 --> 01:25:22,095
That's it. Don't fight it.
1434
01:25:22,221 --> 01:25:23,720
That's it, that's it.
1435
01:25:25,888 --> 01:25:27,636
And catch the peanut!
1436
01:25:48,638 --> 01:25:50,303
(Mobile rings)
1437
01:25:52,221 --> 01:25:54,886
Number withheld.
I don't do "number withheld".
1438
01:25:55,012 --> 01:25:56,553
Answer it, bro.
It could be important!
1439
01:25:56,679 --> 01:25:58,970
Hey, yeah. Maybe I won an iPhone.
1440
01:26:00,221 --> 01:26:02,178
- Waj?
- Have I won?
1441
01:26:02,304 --> 01:26:06,011
Waj, this is Ed.
I'm with Special Branch. I'm just outside.
1442
01:26:06,138 --> 01:26:09,136
- How did you get this number?
- Waj, can we talk?
1443
01:26:09,262 --> 01:26:12,178
- Have you got agents at Orange?
- I'm sorry?
1444
01:26:12,304 --> 01:26:16,095
You've got proper double agents
working at Orange, haven't you?
1445
01:26:16,221 --> 01:26:19,178
I knew I should have gone to O2.
I've got loads offriends on O2.
1446
01:26:19,304 --> 01:26:22,136
Waj, what are your demands?
1447
01:26:24,471 --> 01:26:25,678
I don't have any.
1448
01:26:33,762 --> 01:26:37,761
Excuse me, mate. Have you got
a SIM card for this phone, please?
1449
01:26:37,888 --> 01:26:41,428
Not for that model, but we can sort one out
for you if you want to come with me.
1450
01:26:41,554 --> 01:26:43,928
Can you make this work.
I need it. Is it on?
1451
01:26:44,054 --> 01:26:45,470
It's only a display model.
Do you want that one?
1452
01:26:45,596 --> 01:26:46,720
Yeah, I want it. I need it.
1453
01:26:46,846 --> 01:26:49,303
Gordon? Can you get that phone
for me, please, mate?
1454
01:26:57,138 --> 01:26:59,345
Waj, why are you doing this?
1455
01:26:59,471 --> 01:27:01,261
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
1456
01:27:01,971 --> 01:27:03,011
Sorry?
1457
01:27:03,138 --> 01:27:06,845
Rubber Dinghy Rapids, bro.
Fast track.
1458
01:27:06,971 --> 01:27:09,220
Straight on the rides, like Alton Towers.
1459
01:27:09,346 --> 01:27:13,095
- No queue.
- You like funfairs then, Waj?
1460
01:27:13,221 --> 01:27:15,761
It's not a funfair, bro,
it's a theme park.
1461
01:27:15,888 --> 01:27:17,803
Funfair? How old are you?
1462
01:27:17,929 --> 01:27:19,928
Alton Towers got a spa, bro.
1463
01:27:22,262 --> 01:27:23,928
- Just now.
- All right, mate.
1464
01:27:24,054 --> 01:27:26,220
I'm doing it for you.
Would you like 12 months?
1465
01:27:26,346 --> 01:27:28,470
- Contract?
- Any.
1466
01:27:28,596 --> 01:27:30,428
- Do the call plan.
- All right, mate.
1467
01:27:30,554 --> 01:27:33,886
Easy, bro, easy.
I'm doing it for you.
1468
01:27:34,012 --> 01:27:37,928
- I think I'm going to go now, bro.
- Wait, Waj. What about girls?
1469
01:27:38,054 --> 01:27:40,761
I bet you like the ladies.
1470
01:27:40,888 --> 01:27:43,011
Is this your first time, bro?
1471
01:27:43,138 --> 01:27:45,178
Are you a virgin at this?
1472
01:27:46,846 --> 01:27:48,845
Please, Waj,
can we talk about girls?
1473
01:27:48,971 --> 01:27:51,386
You fill that out. Fill it out.
1474
01:27:51,512 --> 01:27:53,761
- What sort of call plan would you like?
- What?
1475
01:27:53,888 --> 01:27:56,053
We've got the Labrador?
The Dragon?
1476
01:27:56,179 --> 01:27:58,511
- Just any?
- How about the Hermit Crab?
1477
01:27:58,638 --> 01:28:01,095
- Huh?
- It's 1800 free texts.
1478
01:28:02,346 --> 01:28:03,386
Forget it.
1479
01:28:05,012 --> 01:28:06,178
I've still got your card.
1480
01:28:09,679 --> 01:28:11,345
OK, we can talk about girls.
1481
01:28:11,471 --> 01:28:14,761
Right so what sort of girls
are you into, then, Waj?
1482
01:28:14,888 --> 01:28:17,511
I don't know.
Ones with big jubblies and that.
1483
01:28:17,638 --> 01:28:19,511
- Yeah? You like them big, Waj?
- Yeah.
1484
01:28:19,638 --> 01:28:22,095
And nice fit arses, too, man.
1485
01:28:22,221 --> 01:28:24,595
You're an arse man, aren't you, Waj?
1486
01:28:24,721 --> 01:28:27,178
I knew you were, bro.
You're an arse man.
1487
01:28:27,304 --> 01:28:29,303
You're a massive arse man.
1488
01:28:29,429 --> 01:28:32,553
- What are you saying?
- I'm saying you're an arse man, Waj.
1489
01:28:32,679 --> 01:28:36,053
You giving me batty chirps, bro?
You calling me a whammer?
1490
01:28:36,179 --> 01:28:38,803
- No.
- Fuck off!
1491
01:28:42,179 --> 01:28:44,553
Fucking Boy George!
1492
01:28:54,304 --> 01:28:55,678
Don't worry, brother Nabil.
1493
01:29:00,679 --> 01:29:02,178
Hold on to these.
1494
01:29:02,304 --> 01:29:03,720
When I press the clicker,
1495
01:29:03,846 --> 01:29:06,261
just think about taking out the kuffar.
1496
01:29:06,388 --> 01:29:08,261
You'll be in paradise before me, bro!
1497
01:29:08,388 --> 01:29:10,928
But there's no kuffar here, bro.
1498
01:29:12,554 --> 01:29:14,428
Yeah, but...
1499
01:29:15,262 --> 01:29:18,345
Brother Faisal, he's a martyr
and he only blew up a sheep.
1500
01:29:20,554 --> 01:29:23,220
I think you might be confused, brother.
1501
01:29:24,804 --> 01:29:26,261
I'm not.
1502
01:29:27,554 --> 01:29:29,428
You look confused.
1503
01:29:36,012 --> 01:29:37,928
Sorry. Matt!
1504
01:29:38,054 --> 01:29:40,970
- Omar!
- Matt!
1505
01:29:41,638 --> 01:29:44,511
Yeah, man, listen.
Have you got a signal on your phone?
1506
01:29:45,221 --> 01:29:47,220
Yeah. What are you doing here?
1507
01:29:47,346 --> 01:29:49,553
I'll level with you Matt. I'm Ml5.
1508
01:29:49,679 --> 01:29:52,303
Special undercover job. I'm a spook.
1509
01:29:52,429 --> 01:29:53,886
What?
1510
01:29:54,012 --> 01:29:55,803
So what's going on?
1511
01:29:55,929 --> 01:29:57,470
Fathers 4 Justice.
1512
01:29:58,346 --> 01:30:01,095
They've teamed up with the Real IRA.
It's the nightmare scenario.
1513
01:30:02,054 --> 01:30:03,970
- Jesus.
- Yeah. Just give me five.
1514
01:30:09,262 --> 01:30:11,136
(Mobile rings)
1515
01:30:11,262 --> 01:30:12,928
Fucking "number unknown" again.
1516
01:30:13,054 --> 01:30:15,470
Is that whammer cop
going straight to hell or what?
1517
01:30:17,096 --> 01:30:18,886
- What are you doing?
- Hello?
1518
01:30:19,012 --> 01:30:21,886
- Hello, Waj, bro. It's Omar.
- Omar?
1519
01:30:22,012 --> 01:30:22,970
Omar?
1520
01:30:23,096 --> 01:30:24,886
- Waj.
- Tell me what to do, bro.
1521
01:30:25,012 --> 01:30:27,928
I think I might be confused
but I'm not sure.
1522
01:30:28,054 --> 01:30:29,803
Listen, bro.
You do what I do, right?
1523
01:30:29,929 --> 01:30:31,345
You do the same as me, OK?
1524
01:30:31,471 --> 01:30:33,428
Yes, brother, I'll do the same as you.
1525
01:30:33,554 --> 01:30:36,803
Right, OK.
I'm going give myself up, bro.
1526
01:30:36,929 --> 01:30:39,053
- Eh?
- I'm going to give myself up, bro.
1527
01:30:39,638 --> 01:30:40,845
(Crash)
1528
01:30:44,721 --> 01:30:46,970
Waj? Waj!
1529
01:30:48,429 --> 01:30:50,928
Waj? Waj?
1530
01:30:53,304 --> 01:30:57,720
Brother, what am I?
What am I doing, brother?
1531
01:30:58,721 --> 01:31:01,678
- Waj! Waj!
- What am I doing, brother?
1532
01:31:01,804 --> 01:31:03,553
- Pick up the phone!
- Bro, what am I doing?
1533
01:31:03,679 --> 01:31:05,303
All right, mate?
1534
01:31:06,471 --> 01:31:09,470
I'm sorry, lads.
I don't really know what I'm doing.
1535
01:31:19,804 --> 01:31:25,845
What was that?
1536
01:31:32,054 --> 01:31:34,386
Are you all right?
1537
01:31:34,512 --> 01:31:36,886
(Police sirens in the distance)
1538
01:31:40,346 --> 01:31:42,345
Omar, are you all right?
1539
01:31:42,471 --> 01:31:45,761
Now, you stay here.
And you tell them I were smiling.
1540
01:31:45,888 --> 01:31:47,386
What?
1541
01:31:48,471 --> 01:31:50,720
Smile on my face.
Could be important.
1542
01:31:50,846 --> 01:31:53,553
Right... Smile.
1543
01:31:56,096 --> 01:31:57,928
- Is there?
- Yeah.
1544
01:32:02,512 --> 01:32:04,386
Where are you going?
1545
01:32:06,096 --> 01:32:08,011
Omar?
1546
01:32:53,346 --> 01:32:58,095
This is RAF Mildenhall,
1547
01:32:58,221 --> 01:33:00,470
but it's actually Egypt.
1548
01:33:00,596 --> 01:33:04,970
When you entered the base,
you left Britain,
1549
01:33:05,096 --> 01:33:10,136
and you passed through US jurisdiction
and into this container,
1550
01:33:10,262 --> 01:33:15,053
which is internationally recognised
as the sovereign territory of Egypt.
1551
01:33:16,804 --> 01:33:19,636
You are now in Egypt.
1552
01:33:21,096 --> 01:33:24,428
There are some pretty hellish Egyptians
behind that door there.
1553
01:33:24,554 --> 01:33:28,261
They use electrodes. They use drills.
1554
01:33:29,346 --> 01:33:32,345
Biro refills.
Do you know what I mean?
1555
01:33:32,471 --> 01:33:35,220
I don't know anything about my brother.
1556
01:33:39,638 --> 01:33:41,511
We know a lot more
than you think we do.
1557
01:33:45,138 --> 01:33:49,386
(Matt) All right, let's get one thing straight.
Omar Khan had nothing to do with this.
1558
01:33:50,971 --> 01:33:53,428
Cos I knew him and I worked with him.
1559
01:33:54,012 --> 01:33:57,303
Did you know
he was actually working for Ml5?
1560
01:33:57,429 --> 01:33:59,220
Cos he told me that himself.
1561
01:33:59,346 --> 01:34:04,303
The report makes crystal clear
that the police shot the right man,
1562
01:34:04,429 --> 01:34:07,886
but, as far as I'm aware,
the wrong man exploded.
1563
01:34:08,679 --> 01:34:10,178
Is that clear?
1564
01:34:14,762 --> 01:34:18,511
(Hassan) Today you felt our exploding sword
1565
01:34:18,638 --> 01:34:21,220
in your fat oppressor stomachs, man.
1566
01:34:23,512 --> 01:34:26,803
(Raps) We're the muslimeen
and we're making terrible scenes
1567
01:34:26,929 --> 01:34:29,636
Now you wanna know
what the boom-boom means?
1568
01:34:29,762 --> 01:34:33,428
It's like Tupac said:
"When I die, I ain't dead
1569
01:34:33,554 --> 01:34:37,345
"Fight and be slain,
die with no pain
1570
01:34:37,471 --> 01:34:41,970
Got shaheed in my heed,
for my creed I daheed
1571
01:34:42,096 --> 01:34:45,595
We are the martyrs,
you'sjust smashed tomatoes
1572
01:34:45,721 --> 01:34:48,886
- Now we've got...
- (Waj) Bro? What were that?
1573
01:34:49,012 --> 01:34:51,220
For my creed, I daheed
1574
01:34:51,346 --> 01:34:52,803
What's "daheed", though?
1575
01:34:52,929 --> 01:34:54,220
Died.
1576
01:34:54,346 --> 01:34:56,595
- Daheed, died. Daheed.
- That's bollocks, man.
1577
01:34:56,721 --> 01:34:59,261
- You're rhyming doolally.
- That's clear, man.
1578
01:34:59,388 --> 01:35:00,761
No, no, look. In my opinion...
1579
01:35:00,888 --> 01:35:04,303
Look, no, man. In your opinion?
Your opinion's shit, man.
1580
01:35:04,429 --> 01:35:06,761
With all due respect, bro,
you like Maroon 5.
1581
01:35:06,888 --> 01:35:08,386
What the fuck's that about?
1582
01:35:08,512 --> 01:35:09,845
- Come here.
- Whoa, whoa!
1583
01:35:09,971 --> 01:35:11,886
- Come here, man.
- I'm joking!
1584
01:35:30,054 --> 01:35:35,220
When we talk about a so-called
terrorist attack on the London marathon,
1585
01:35:35,346 --> 01:35:37,428
we should remember one thing:
1586
01:35:37,554 --> 01:35:40,803
Most loud bangs are not bombs,
1587
01:35:40,929 --> 01:35:43,011
they're scooters backfiring.
1588
01:35:53,138 --> 01:35:56,178
This footage, taken from an American spy plane.
1589
01:35:56,304 --> 01:36:01,053
Appears to show two trainee Mujahideens
struggling with a rocket launcher.
1590
01:36:01,179 --> 01:36:03,970
Firing it at an Arab training camp
1591
01:36:04,096 --> 01:36:07,886
and accidentally blowing up Osama bin Laden.
1592
01:36:14,346 --> 01:36:19,011
The western imperialist culture
has left you like materialist junkies,
1593
01:36:19,138 --> 01:36:23,511
mainlining iPods and Humvees
and TK Maxx into a spiritual void.
1594
01:36:23,638 --> 01:36:25,970
Is Mad Qadeer watching this?
1595
01:36:26,096 --> 01:36:30,803
- What?
- Mad Qadeer, cos he owes me £200.
1596
01:36:32,762 --> 01:36:35,386
Mad Qadeer, if you're watching, right,
1597
01:36:35,512 --> 01:36:37,678
you owe me £200.
1598
01:36:37,804 --> 01:36:39,595
And you're gonna pay up.
1599
01:36:39,721 --> 01:36:41,553
Cos I'm not here right now.
1600
01:36:41,679 --> 01:36:44,428
I'm somewhere else,
but you're still gonna pay.
1601
01:36:46,012 --> 01:36:48,428
You're going to pay Saf.
Saf, if you're watching, bro,
1602
01:36:48,554 --> 01:36:50,886
you go round Mad Qadeer's house, right,
1603
01:36:51,012 --> 01:36:54,970
and you get him to pay me my £200,
cos he's owed it me a long time.
1604
01:36:58,262 --> 01:36:59,803
He owes me money.