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- Hello? - So what do you think?
- About what? - About tomorrow.
It's our first day of high school.
If we want to be popular, we just have to be proactive.
Calm your proactive ass down.
Saying you want to be popular guarantees it isn't gonna happen.
I'm gonna get a girlfriend. You think that's possible?
Anything's possible, Wade.
Just don't be needy.
You got to let it come to you. And one more thing.
From now on, I don't want you calling me Ryan.
Call me T-Dog.
- T-Dog? - Yep.
- What does the "T" stand for? - I don't know.
- But it sounds better than R-Dog. - Yeah.
You know, like, if a hot girl went up to you, and she goes,
"Hey, have you met T-Dog? Man, did you see what T-Dog did today?
"Man, that T-Dog is crazy!"
That sounds like a guy every woman would want to know.
- Hey, do I need a nickname? - You have one. Skeletor.
That was last year. I look good now. I'm filling out.
All right, name one part of your body that filled out, Wade.
Name one part of your body that isn't filled out, huh?
I'm not trying to offend you.
I'm just saying you shot up too fast and you're freakishly skinny.
Oh, yeah? Well, you're too fat and that's equally unattractive.
- You wanna go there? - I'm sorry.
It's just, I want things to go well, you know?
- Sorry I said you're freakishly skinny. - It's okay.
You just are.
Hey, go to sleep! It's 3:00 in the morning!
- What are you, crazy? - Sorry.
- Is that your stepdad? - No one.
- Give me that phone! Give it! - It's...
You're in high school now. Don't take his...
Go to sleep.
How about some chicks on the walls in here?
It's like a nerd paradise.
Time to make the donuts.
Hoo-rah!
Touchdown!
We won! We won the game! And Wade loses again!
- Get out of my room! - Dad said get up.
He's not my dad. He's your dad.
Fine, the guy who does your mom says get up.
- Just leave! - Loser!
Morning, sunshine. First day of school.
- Mom! - Oh, my God!
Since when did you start sleeping naked?
I'm in high school now, don't you remember?
I don't like elastic squeezing on my ass when I sleep!
Okay.
Hey! What are you doing in this shower?
Dawn? Rachel, that's right. Nice to see you.
Put your hands up Put your hands up
I'm the best white rapper you've ever seen
A hair!
- Oh, my God! - Look at that.
Thank you, ladies!
What's up, winners? You stoked? Pedal to the metal?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
All right. Who's a winner?
- I am! - I am!
Morning!
- Look at you, with your magic stick. - What do you think?
Magic is stupid.
No, no, honey.
- Mom! - What?
You forgot the sausages!
- I'll get the sausages. - Come on. I'm hungry.
All right, I'll get the sausages.
Excuse me, listen, I'm really sorry to bother you.
My family and I, we just ran out of gas
and we're trying to get to the kids to SeaWorld.
And, I, like an idiot forgot my wallet. If I can just...
- Your legs work okay? - Yeah, why?
You should walk somewhere and get a job.
- Harold... - I'll take care of it.
That's what I have, a job.
We'll get to SeaWorld one way or the other.
We're on our way to church. Maybe that's where you ought to go.
Thank you. Have a great day.
- Can you help out a veteran? - Not today.
- Get away from the car. - Honey, roll up the window.
Get away!
- What's your name? - Drillbit.
Listen, Drillbit, I wasn't born yesterday.
I don't want you using this on any marijuana or rye whiskey, okay?
- You got my word on it. - You know what?
- I'm gonna write "not for pot" on there. - You don't have to write.
Yeah. "Not for pot."
You're gonna feel pretty silly if you try to buy weed with that, won't you?
Remember, put your best foot forward.
People decide what they think about you in the first five seconds.
So, let me smell your breath.
Minty.
- You swipe on some deodorant? - Yeah.
- You dust the nuts? - No, Jim. I did not dust my nuts.
I'll never get tired of that one, Dad.
You know, you should hit the weights with the boys and me.
- I'll pass. - We'll get you in the gym.
We'll beef you up. Look at these guys. Show them. Give him a gun shot.
Give him a crab.
Worship the sun.
- Yeah, look at these guys. - They're freaks.
Not in my house!
- Have a great day. - Okay, I love you, Dad.
I love you, too. Have fun at school, Ryan. Bye.
- So what'd your dad say? - He told me to have fun.
Wow, great parenting.
I don't know how we're surviving without him.
- Sorry. - It's okay.
- He's a piece of shit, anyway. - Thank you, honey.
- Enchante. - Hello.
You got room for two in this little speedster?
I am in a rush now. But I hostess up at Moon Shadows on the one.
So if you get up there just, you know, ask for me. I'm Jessica.
- Thanks, Jessica. - Yeah.
'Cause our chef, Louis, always makes too much chowder.
So he'll set you up with a nice plastic bowl of it out back.
- You're late today. - Hey, get a job!
- You get a job. - I already got one, giving money to you.
- How're you doing, Mrs. Lampanelli? - All right.
- You look beautiful today. - You're a liar. But it works for me.
- Go on, get out of here, you nut! - You earned it.
And don't spend it on food. Porn only!
First day of high school.
- It's kind of scary. - Yeah, it sucks taking the bus.
Sure, last year we were the oldest so we got to sit in the back of the bus,
but now we'll probably have to sit in the front with the losers.
We'll be all right.
You have to have a proactive attitude if you wanna be popular in high school.
People decide what they think of you in the first five seconds.
I think you're a dork.
Oh, Wade.
- Oh, no. - This is uncool.
We can't start high school like this.
You got to be shitting me. Come on.
- Please, am I dreaming here? - No.
We're never allowed to buy the same shirt again!
Whoever sees it first gets to buy it.
You guys should wear red ribbons in your hair, too.
See? We both look like dorks. Go change.
No! I'm the one who was planning on wearing this.
Wade, I run the mile in 21 minutes!
How fast do you think I can go?
- Go! Hurry! - I'm going!
Wade, bus!
- Perfect! - Come on!
What a way to start high school, huh?
Let me guess. Two-for-one sale at Hot Topic?
- Losers! - Dorks!
We're dead.
First day of our high school careers.
All right, let's light this fuse and see what happens.
- Let's go, man. - All right.
Are you guys part of a bowling team?
Last one.
Hey, at least it'll be easy to find each other.
Yeah. I'll just look for the kid with the same shirt.
- Come on! - No, you have to spin it a few times first
to get it to work.
Thank you.
No, wait! Wait!
- What are you guys doing? Guys! - Now, shut it. Move!
- No, thanks. - Guys!
- Get out of the way! - Man!
- Here we go. - But that... That's not for me.
- That's for my books! - Okay, here we go.
- In there. - I am not a book!
- Get in there! - This is bad.
- This isn't my locker! Please! - No, this is good.
At least we know we're not the biggest dorks in school.
- Please, please, please! - Maybe we should say something.
It's survival of the fittest.
I've got to say something. I got to. I have to.
Say something? It's hilarious. The kid fits in the locker. Come on.
- That's not funny. - Somebody, help!
This is the dumbest thing I've ever done.
- Help! Please! - Stop!
- I mean, you don't have to, but... - Harry Potter.
You need to keep your big mouth shut.
Yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell him.
- Hey! - Run! Everybody run! It's not safe here!
Hey, check this out. Matching shirt geeks.
Oh, my God.
Yo, Ron, these bitches really wanna wear the same shirt.
Let's make them wear the same shirt, huh?
Sounds good. Yeah.
The fat one here, the skinny one there, and just let go.
There.
You better keep that shit on,
'cause if I see you trying to take it off, you're dead.
And you know what happens if one of you dies? Both of you dies.
'Cause you're Siamese queers, bitches!
That's very cute.
You look like those Velcro monkeys who hug each other.
How was school, Wade?
We made so many friends, I can't even remember all their names.
- Great! You got to be in it to win it. - I am in it!
Great.
Yeah!
- Yeah. - So school went well, huh?
Oh, it was great. It couldn't have gone better.
It was the shirt, right? I'll have to get you more of those.
Hey! What are you doing? That's my stuff!
This is city property.
Nobody's supposed to be camping out here.
Your stuff's in the dumpster around the corner.
That's where I eat! You don't put a man's belongings where he eats!
- My taxes pay for your salary. - You don't pay taxes.
- You don't even have a job. - What else you wanna remind me of?
That I don't have good health care? That I don't belong to a good gym?
Where's the compassion? Protect and serve. That's what it says.
- Compassion? - Yeah, compassion.
You wanna know what I have compassion for?
The homeless who are mentally ill, the homeless who are drug-addicted.
Buddy, you're just a jackass.
Oh, guy hits a little bit of bump in the road and he's a jackass?
Maybe I should go smoke some crack and get your sympathy.
- Go back to the Village People! - Back up!
Damn!
All right, today is the first day of our high school careers.
Yes, it is.
There she is.
That's the girl who came up to me at my locker.
- Well, make your move. - What move? I don't have a move.
All right, thanks for signing up.
How're you doing?
Is this your first time signing up for the Heritage Club?
- Yeah, it is. Okay, bye. - Bye.
What'd you sign up for?
- Photography and Asian Heritage. - Asian Heritage, huh?
- I like your commitment. - Yeah.
- I like it a lot. - Hey, buddies! Remember me?
- Hi. - Oh, Jesus H.
Oh, God.
Guys, why aren't you wearing them?
- Why are you talking to us? - I just wanted to say thank you
for helping me out yesterday and all.
You guys are definitely the type of people I'm gonna want to hang out with.
- Yeah. - Hi, I'm Emmit Oosterhaus, by the way.
- Hi. - Wade. That's T-Dog.
T-Dog? Dude, that's a really cool nickname.
Hey, can you guys give me a nickname?
We need to ditch this guy. He's like a stray cat.
Once you feed him, he'll never go away, okay?
Hey, no secrets, T-Dog.
I'm off to U.S. History.
- U.S. History. - Hey, look!
The Siamese queers had a baby.
I guess that makes them triplets, now doesn't it?
Well, actually, we still wouldn't be triplets, see.
You see, they'd be my parents, and I'd be the baby.
Don't get smart with me.
I said you're triplets and I think that you guys need to get into his shirt
- and be triplets. - We can do that.
You know what? Emmit, shut up.
Look, you really have to do this crap, guys?
Come on, give us a break. It's the second day of school.
Hey, I like this kid. Yeah.
Double Stuf's got an attitude.
Yeah. We have to do this shit because it's hilarious.
This school is boring.
Watching you freak out amuses me.
And, yeah, it's just the second day of school. So guess what?
It's gonna keep coming and coming and coming!
Party time!
- Stop peeing on me! - Wait! Wait! No!
He pissed himself. What a loser.
Help.
Help me!
- Is that Mario Lopez, dude? - Whoever he is, he's cute!
Take his pants off! Pants off!
- Up, down, up... - Write your name!
No! Please, don't! No! Don't!
Bernie?
- Come on, give me one match, here. - That's funny.
- All I need is one. - Yeah, I like it.
- Will you just give up? - Damn it! Look at that.
God, I can't even get one card! Not one thing!
State of California just robbed me, Don. You saw it.
You'd think... Where's my quarter? Did you see my...
- You're always looking at me. - Is the pill bottle... I forget,
- is that the castle or is that a rook? - Don, did you just take my quarter?
No, I didn't take your quarter, Drillbit.
Not my fault you can't keep track of your finances.
I don't know why you're spending all your money on this dumb stuff, anyway.
You're unbelievable. I got to get out of here.
You know, I can't take this anymore, man.
Rich people don't like us,
and the tourists are scared of us.
- When they see Bernie, they're terrified. - Terrified.
They're not scared of me, I'm sexy.
- Sanitizer? - Yeah.
Yeah. Thanks, man.
I just get... I'm like a bird. I just wanna fly north. I want to...
I'd like to go to Canada.
What was it last year? I think it was,
- "I was gonna go to Iceland." - Reykjavik.
- No, no. - Where's that?
Yeah, but the thing about Canada, if you go high enough north...
- That's right. ...the government pays you
- to take the land. - That's the truth.
Yeah. Lookit, man, the beer's twice as strong.
They don't lock the doors, that should appeal to a man like you.
And what about a British Columbian girl?
Does that sound like a pretty potent mix?
Yeah, that's not too bad. I kind of like that.
Okay, now, man, check this out.
One-way flight to Canada, $287.
You got to throw in 50 bucks for bribing, what're they called,
- the Federales, the... - Mounties.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Mounties.
Another... I want a good winter jacket, 80 bucks.
So we're talking $387 and it's a new life for your old hombre, Drillbit.
I dig it, man. Follow the dream. Chase that thing.
How you gonna come up with that kind of money, though?
Get a job.
I was an Army Ranger. There are a lot of people dying for that.
Watch this kid play Hendrix. He really jams. Look at him.
Oh, yeah, there he goes.
Yeah, I like how he looks a little bit like Hendrix.
Yeah! I'm gonna give him a buck.
- I'll give him a couple bucks. - A buck? Give him a compliment, man!
Give me a buck!
Why is he in my house?
Are we trying to attract after-school bullies?
I'm here because Wade invited me to be here.
Because I'm your friend now.
This fantasy land you live in, Emmit, are there rides?
Stop picking on him, all right? This is our guy.
I don't want him to be our guy.
Well, the good news is, I think I found a solution to our problems.
- Kill Emmit? - No, bear with me.
This might sound stupid, but I was on the Internet last night
and there's a bunch of sites where we can hire a professional bodyguard.
- What do you mean by bodyguard? - Like he beats up kids that bother us.
A bodyguard? Wade, that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
We should just be men and fight these kids!
Are you serious?
Of course not. I've never been in a fight.
Have you seen those high school fights on YouTube?
Kids are brutal.
He gave us an earthquake when we were peeing in the urinal.
He shoved me in a locker.
And he put my head in his shirt and called us Siamese queers.
How's that funny?
It's not funny. It's just, it's rare that,
you know, kids say things that surprise me.
Siamese queers. I'd never heard that one.
- What would you like me to do? - We really just want it to stop.
So are they pretty much free to say whatever they want?
Or am I allowed to defend myself?
Oh, no. Principal Doppler, I thought this was gonna be anonymous.
In this country, we give the accused the chance to face his accusers.
Terry, come over here for a second, will you?
Now we've known each other for... Yeah, have a seat.
- What's your take on this? - Hey, guys, hey. How's it going?
Be polite! There you go.
- Wade. - Hi.
Hey, T-Dog. Give me a pound.
Yeah. Principal Doppler, sir, I was really excited
about starting this new school year. I'm not gonna lie.
Who knows? I, maybe, was hazing them a little bit,
but I'm sorry.
I really am.
You know, I appreciate you taking responsibility. It's refreshing.
- He doesn't mean it! - We need to call his parents in.
- Now. - He doesn't have any parents.
Well, not in this country, anyway. They live in Hong Kong.
- He's an emancipated minor. - What does that mean?
It means he's legally an adult.
He answers to no one.
He's above the law.
- What a nightmare, huh? - Yeah.
Oh, crap.
Oh, no.
- Run. - Go! Go!
- Run! Go, go! - Hurry.
Wait for me!
Go, go!
- Do you think he sees us? - No.
Open the door! Open the door!
What do they want?
Just keep driving, Mom. It's none of our business.
Let's go, let's go!
Have you guys lost your mind? Come on, let's go!
Go, go, come on!
- Come on. - Oh, no!
- Run! Run! - Go!
Get them, baby!
There! The garage!
You gonna rat on me, boys?
Try to get my parents involved in this situation?
Now I have to make it my mission to destroy you punks!
Hey! You kids get the hell off my property!
I'm gonna give you three seconds, then I'm getting my shotgun!
- No! - You better get out of here right now!
- Please don't! - No! Please!
One! Two! Three!
- Go! Go! - And stay out, you gang bangers!
Charles, chai latte up.
- Hey! Get off my computer! - Keep your shirt on.
Come on.
If this doesn't work, I'm gonna kick your ass.
When it works, you're going to kiss my ass.
How are we gonna know which one's the bodyguard?
Have you ever done this kind of thing before?
I worked for the hardest gangstas in the world.
Kee Lo-Lo, Chenobee.
Hell, I still work for Tupac, even though he dead.
I am Israeli Military Secret Service Antiterrorist Squad.
So when I kill this kid, do you want me to do it quickly,
- or do you want him to suffer? - Suffer.
If you hire Tiger's Protection Services,
not only do you get the Tiger,
but you get the protection of his entire pride.
Do you like hip-hop?
What the hell you implying I like hip-hop for?
'Cause I'm dressed this way? I like country. You like country?
That's the kind of music I like. Alabama. Gimme some of that.
Some Brooks and Dunn. The Dixie Chicks, bitch.
Kids hiring a bodyguard to take care of a bully?
Stupidest thing I ever heard.
Back in my day, if a kid was getting beat up, it was called childhood.
Pick somebody, anybody. I'll go beat their ass
right here, right now, and then you can ask them for a goddamned reference.
How about you, lady?
I'll kick your ass right now! Close. Closed.
- Yeah! - This is very disturbing.
You want an ass kicking?
What do you do when you're not body guarding?
I work at Raging Waters.
I sense great hesitation. Wait one moment. Excuse me.
I'm going to borrow this.
- Please don't do that. - Oh, God damn!
- $2,100 a week. - $10,000 a week.
We're hoping you'd say, like, around $100.
- Not interested. - I hate kids like you.
I can't help you. No one can help you!
- Susan, your double espresso's up. - I'm Susan.
I'm Drillbit Taylor.
U.S. Army Ranger, black ops operative, decorated marksman,
- improvised weapons expert. - Are you still in the military?
I was discharged. Unauthorized heroism.
Yeah. They call it an army of one in the ads, but they don't mean it.
Unless they mean the whole army working together as one.
But they certainly don't want one man out there kicking ass
like an army of one, which is the way I took it.
As a bodyguard I protected three Vice Presidents,
Bobby Brown, Sylvester Stallone... Not as tough as he looks.
So what's the story? Who do you guys need protection from?
It should be easy for you. Just a high school bully.
Yeah. Run into a few of those in my life.
- What'd you do to provoke him? - Well, he's fat, and he's a dork,
- and I'm awesome. - Shut up, Wade.
By "awesome" do you mean scared, skinny and Ionely?
Yeah.
- So how do we know you're legit? - Come here. Go on, come here.
I'm not gonna bite.
I want you to look at my eyes.
Take a good look.
Come here! What do you see? You looking?
- What the hell have you seen? - You want some?
These eyes have seen unspeakable horror.
That's my evidence.
That's how you know if a guy's legit. You need some evidence, too?
I've seen things you wouldn't believe.
I've watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate.
Isn't that Blade Runner?
Look closely 'cause it's all in there.
Boo!
So, how much do you charge?
$387 a week.
- One second. - I say yes.
I'm not even sure if I'm available.
- He's good. - No! No! He's weird.
You know, we might be able to work up to that.
But right now, we've only got $83.
Okay, well, give me that now and we'll figure out the rest later.
You know what this is?
It's a wing.
And you're under it. All three of you, right there.
Okay, here's the mission plan.
Using my expertise at stealthy and covert ops, I'll infiltrate the school
where I will watch over you like the Lord almighty himself.
Careful.
Like the good Lord, I'm gonna use some mysterious ways,
so you're not always gonna see me, but I'll be there.
Especially when you don't see me.
But first, I'm gonna need some supplies.
- I want to go in and get... - Like nunchucks?
Maybe.
But a lot of stuff, I'll just get from just what's laying around the house.
You'd be surprised.
Anything can be turned into a weapon of mayhem or destruction.
- Even a puppy? - Especially a puppy.
Germans used them in World War I. Da Hunden Stormen. Lightning Dog.
They'd attach dynamite to them. Rommel did it. Jerry bastard.
- Now, listen. One thing that... - This is my house.
Wow.
- We can go in. Nobody's home. - Let's hit it. Deploy, soldiers.
- Soldiers? Cool. You hear that, T-Dog? - Beeline, front door! Single file!
Officers first!
You, get me a bowl of cereal. Go on. Scram.
- Okay, this I'm gonna need. Right here. - What for?
You take that, my mom'll rip my head off!
At ease, Casper!
Okay. Observe its momentary reflective blinding capabilities.
Bang! You're defenseless.
Silver alloy, one of the strongest ever constructed.
Probably stop an armor-piercing bullet at point-blank range.
You don't really think it could come to that.
You tell me.
Filkins is a whack job. He almost ran over us with his car!
- He's a menace. - Yeah, I was my dad's favorite, too.
He once cut a kid's arm off with a samurai sword.
- Bladed weaponry? - Yeah.
Okay. I'm not gonna take any chances. You're now on orange alert.
Okay, now this will be good for video surveillance.
This is good.
You take the guts out of this and use it for wiretapping.
I think we can use this as a... I don't know, as a timekeeping device.
I think I'll wear it on my wrist, possibly.
You think you might need this?
This piece of crap's not worth anything.
As a weapon. It's too obvious.
Testing, one, two. Mister Taylor?
- Testing, one, two. - Can you come back now?
Guys, you got to go far back! I can hear you!
Testing, testing, one, two. Can you hear me now?
- They work pretty good. - These are great.
- Yeah. - These are invaluable.
- They get a little staticky, though... - Yeah.
...I think, some places in the house.
Why you need all this stuff for?
I thought we were gonna give Filkins a beat down.
I am gonna beat him down,
but sometimes after that first beat down,
then they get a little, you know... They want a little payback.
I'm home! Who wants grilled-cheese sandwiches?
- Go! Go! Mom! Mom! - Okay.
- Exit! Exit! - Go, out the back, out the back, go.
Just 'cause you don't see me doesn't mean I'm not there.
- Shut the door. - Act natural. Hey, Mom.
- Hey, Barbara, how you doing? - Hi, boys.
- Who's your new little friend? Hi. - Hi.
- Hi. Emmit Oosterhaus. - Hi, Emmit Oosterhaus.
- He's not our friend. - Yeah, he is.
He's like our hamster.
Smell like something?
- Ryan? You washing? - Yeah. You?
It's a funny smell. It's all right. Grilled-cheese sandwiches.
Hey, come on! Buzz us in!
You're gonna wanna see this!
Big money coming in!
This ain't a bunch of aluminum cans here.
Where do you want it? Priceless treasures.
Go set them down there.
So you don't think those kids are gonna miss this stuff?
No. They got two of everything.
They got the iPod, the iPod Nano. And I don't care if they do,
'cause after this little transaction,
well, the old Drillbit's taking his act to the Great White North.
- What? - Yeah, I'm going to Canada.
Well, that's stupid. You're gonna cut out now?
- I'm going... - These kids are a cash cow, Drillbit.
You need to hang in there. You don't cut and run.
You got to get in there and milk this.
Okay, come on back.
All right, I'll tell you what. I give you $125 for the whole lot.
What?
I just heard you say you took it from some kids.
So? Don't get all righteous on me.
Half this store you guys got from crackheads and thieves.
Hey. Who the hell do you think you are, man?
Let me tell you something. Those people are our customers!
We're not that harsh on them, so you shouldn't be!
How would you like it if we called you a crackhead?
You have called me one.
- Have we? Have we? - I think I might have.
- Drillbit? Drillbit? Come in. - What is that?
I'm sorry, hold it just a second. D.B. One-four-niner-eight, come in.
- Just take this. - We just wanted you to know
that Emmit was holding out on some bar mitzvah money.
Emmit, I don't care how many times you get bar mitzvahed, you're not a man.
- I am a man. - No, you're not.
- Drillbit! Milk it, milk it. - So we'll have another 50 bucks for you
- on Monday. - Grab the udder and milk it.
Ten-four, good buddy. I will see you tomorrow.
Commence radio silence in three, two.
Today's the official start of our high school careers.
Last week's history. Nothing good came out of last week.
- We became best friends. - Nothing good came out of last week.
There's the sword. Man, we're so dead.
- Where's Drillbit, Wade? - Hey. Calvary's here.
- Please, where have you been? - Yes. What's up, man?
Where's my money? Where's my money?
We got 40 bucks we promised, plus we got an extra 17.
I sold my Yu-Gi-Oh cards.
Okay, this is gonna be sweet.
I can't wait to watch you kick Filkins' ass.
- Yeah. What, is he here? - Yeah, over there on his car.
I want you to be the last face he ever sees.
What are you gonna do?
- What am I gonna do? - Come on.
I want you to gnaw on his skull.
- What's the plan? - Shut up.
Guys, I'm gonna check this dude out.
Yes.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
Just got to kind of stand here for a second.
All right. Hey, take it easy, man.
He's thin, but sinewy and muscular.
He's got a low center of gravity which means he's fast like a jack rabbit.
He didn't take a shower today or yesterday. He's got bad breath.
He's got a couple of cavities which is not improving...
This is serious. I thought you were gonna go kick his ass.
Yeah.
Look at Tommy Trigger Finger. You want the blood and the guts.
Well, it doesn't work that way.
I can't just kick his ass.
Physically, I can, but if you kick a bully's ass,
then maybe you guys live till lunchtime.
And then what?
"Teach those victims how to kick the bully's ass and they live forever."
Steven Seagal.
So you're gonna teach us how to beat him up?
- Like train us? - So we're gonna beat up Filkins?
What I'm about to show you are top-secret black ops fighting moves.
And it's all about technique.
I don't care if you're talking about
karate, tai chi, kung fu, praying mantis,
kung pao, Panda Express.
It's all about technique. I want you to watch my technique.
It's pretty flawless. Come on, Ryan, charge me.
I'm serious. Try to kill me.
Come on. You ready? Go! Yeah. Come on.
I got you!
I got you! I got you!
Damn it!
Okay. Tripped right there. That was the bear hug.
Okay. Wade. Come on!
Here you go! Watch the elbows!
Don't! Stop!
Okay. Last but not least. Charge me.
Everyone, up! Circle me!
Come on. Let me see some fight from you.
Okay, you guys ready for the blizzard?
- Go get him, boys! - Yeah. Go, get it, all three of you!
I call truce! Truce! Back up! Three's too many. Three's too many. Stop.
Wow, one of you really charley-horsed me.
Okay. Now it isn't all oriental martial arts.
Sometimes you give a little Mexican judo as in
"Ju don't know who you're messing with, homes."
Come on, Ryan, one more. Last one! Show me your mettle. Come on! Ole!
Wow!
Ryan!
Man down!
Ryan!
Was that my fault?
Hey! Check this out.
Dude! You fell like 60 feet.
Jeez, that was crazy.
What is this?
This is a strategic outpost.
I got these posted all over the city.
Don't even look at it, okay?
Now let's get back up there and get to work.
What's this for? To wash your balls in the morning?
No. Look like a squeegee to you?
Or does it look like a weapon with a straight edge
and a little mop to clean up the blood?
T-Dog, Emmit, this way.
- Where's Drillbit? - I don't know.
- Wait up. - Should be right up here.
Man down!
Take this.
- Take a swing at my head. - Oh, no.
Wade, come on. Just hit me.
- But it'll hurt. - Wade hit me.
- I'll do it. - Shut up.
I feel no pain, 'cause I have a trained mind.
- Go! - Come on.
- Let's beat it. - Come on, come on, come on, let's go.
- Hey, Drillbit. We could make s'mores! - No.
- How much does a Hug Me Bear cost? - No.
- Where'd you get the kids, Drillbit? - I won them in a poker game.
Order up!
- How's this part of the training? - It's called bulking up.
- I'm already fat. - Hey. You're not fat.
I don't want to hear you say you're fat.
Words like lard ass, fat pig, butterball, landslide, mudslide.
I don't want to hear that. What are you tipping the scales at?
180.
What?
Whenever you're ready, boys.
Okay, one of you guys got to pick this up, 705 00:38:59,375 --> 00:39:00,364 'cause I'm still on the clock.
Filkins. Filkins.
Avoidance technique! Avoidance technique!
Come out here, Capone! You want to fight?
You want to fight, you and me, right here?
This is very important. See that?
What's the matter? Afraid to come out from behind your men?
- He has a holdback guy. - Afraid to stand up for yourself?
Now that allows people to think that you want to fight
when really he doesn't want to fight.
You got nothing in court. You don't got the bookkeeper.
When I'm here I'm your holdback guy.
So now you can act crazy.
No, hey, hey, calm down.
I'm gonna kill you!
Hey, stop! Stop!
Calm down.
- Hoo-rah. - Hoo-rah.
Get under the wing.
Put all the bills facing the same direction.
Yeah, don't worry about it, Don.
I thought these kids were loaded.
It's like all you read about are how 14-year-olds rule the marketplace,
and look at this.
Hardly got anything. You think this is gonna get me to the Great White North?
Allow me to make a point real quick.
Hello, delicious.
Drillbit? Do you know why we come here every day?
It's because these businessmen can't eat all their food.
They have more than they need.
These kids are a lot like these businessmen, okay?
They have way more than they need.
It's our job to go into their houses and take all their excess.
I get a kick out of these kids.
I told you that little fat one says some funny shit.
I like these kids, too, man.
I mean, from what I gather, they're some pretty cool dudes.
But if you like them, you should think about helping them.
- Lf you care about them. - What do you mean?
Steal their TV.
Maybe they'll read a book.
Steal their iPod. Heck, I don't know. Maybe they'll learn to play the piano.
They don't need all this crap.
You think Mozart had a Game Boy?
I didn't have it. Didn't hurt me. I was outside playing, climbing trees.
Yeah, man, me, too. I'm still outside hanging around in trees.
And the parents are never around. There's no one there in the daytime.
One big hit. It's all we need.
Boobies.
Penis!
All right. Open your eyes, let your body drift back into consciousness.
Namaste. Thank you for your practice. That concludes the meditation time.
- Okay. How do you feel? - I feel good.
- Doing all right? - Yeah. I think my biceps are coming in.
Guns are coming in.
Now, listen. We're about 10% done with the training.
- Next... - 10%?
Are you high? We can't sit in the woods anymore.
- We got to go back to school. - Yeah, and I can't forge any more notes.
How many diseases can a kid have?
You guys think you're ready?
You know, I am really scared to go back.
Look. If you're not ready to fight, there is another alternative.
But I got to be honest with you,
only the strongest of warriors can pull this one off.
It's so difficult that most men tremble at its mere thought.
What is it?
What the hell is it?
Love him.
- What? - Love him.
You know, I don't know what's going through your head, Drillbit,
but I'm not gonna bang him.
When I'm talking about love, I mean compassion.
- I'm not going to... - Shut up. And understanding.
Find your commonality.
Let him know you're more alike than different.
Maybe that'll put out his fuse.
And remember, guys,
just because you don't see me doesn't mean I'm not there.
I'll be there like a silent, deadly poltergeist.
- Thanks. - Okay.
All right, see you later, Drillbit.
Remember, you're under my wing.
Oh, no.
There he is. Should we hide?
No. We've been running and hiding all week.
This is what Drillbit's been talking about, finding commonalities.
He's rapping. You love to rap! You can do this!
No, I can't.
Yes, you can. It's just like in 8 Mile. He'll respect you.
No, man, I'm afraid of him. I can't!
- You're crazy! Don't do it. - You can do it, Ryan.
- I believe in you. - Don't.
All right. I can do it. I can do it.
- Whassup, whassup? - Whassup?
I wanna rap with you. Hey, flip the script, Ronnie.
Hit that beat.
- Yo, this cool, Fil? - Sure, whatever.
Yo, call me whatever you want
but you know I gets busy I'm so badass
I'm the king of Vice City Like the Buddha, I'm Zen
Like Beckham, I bend, I tell suckers
"Say hello to my little friend"
Snap! This guy!
Hey, meatball, where's your spaghetti? Your rapping's like a nightmare
But I don't see Freddy You best
not even try to spit rhymes, dude 'Cause when you spit
all I ever see is chewed-up food
Yeah, that's how we roll! That's how we do!
Hold on!
I know you didn't just go there
I got more skills than you in my one and only nut hair
Nice, man, nice.
So you better step off before you insult me and mine
'Cause if you decide to step on, see I'm like a land mine
Boom!
Oh, my God, look it's a punkass rapping
He say one more word I'm gonna have to bitch-slap him
So surprised you're moving ass is so damn fat
You're lucky I don't hit you with my Wiffle, Wiffle Ball bat
Can't hurt my head with a bat I'm the Incredible Hulk
I'm like Costco I'm serving ass kickings in bulk
You don't like my words Mister King of the School?
Well, guess what? You can suck on my family's jewels
Bitch!
That was awesome.
What have I just done?
Hey, that was amazing. I mean,
telling him to suck on your two family jewels
was in questionable taste, but still...
I know, I got caught up in the moment, okay?
Keep walking. I don't want to get shot like Tupac.
You know, most of those people were cheering for you.
Really? That could be good. Maybe Drillbit was right.
Think you're so funny?
Good. 'Cause you're not gonna laugh when you're dead.
You're gonna get it now, worse than ever.
All of you.
Ryan, holdback technique.
You don't like the fact that he's better than you, Filkins!
You better back the hell off before I...
- Thanks for holding him for me. - Holy crap, you guys are retarded!
How did he do so much damage with one punch?
It's like his fist is the size of your whole face.
I guess it's true.
Rap really does promote violence.
Yeah, but the question is, where was Drillbit when we needed him?
Maybe he got called to the black ops.
Wade, come on. You really believe that garbage?
There's my little soldiers.
There are my pooper troopers.
Hey, sorry I missed that walkie-talkie call. I had something come...
- What the hell happened to you? - Filkins punched me.
- Filkins did that to you? - Yeah.
Where were you?
- With one punch? - Where were you?
- Oh, crap. I'm sorry. - Stop.
- No, just let me get the blood off. - No. Stop.
Man. Here, sit down for a second.
- Crap. It looks painful. - Yeah, it is.
- Here, let me put a little pressure on it. - No.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Ryan had a rap off with Filkins.
- You had a rap off? - You said to find common ground.
He said he was like Costco, serving up ass kickings in bulk.
That's what you said? That's not common ground.
Even though it's funny.
That's not exactly what I meant when I said common ground.
Why didn't you get punched? Why'd he slug you?
'Cause of your brilliant holdback technique.
The holdback technique? You really tried that?
Yeah. Bottom line is your advice backfired.
Now we're more screwed than ever.
All because you wanted to protect the hobbit over here.
- Hey, let's just stop for a second. - I am not a hobbit.
- You're a damn hobbit, okay? - I am not!
Hold it! Hey. Emmit's not a hobbit, I don't think.
Problem isn't the holdback technique,
although I don't think you guys had it perfected enough to try.
The problem is Randy starts rapping insults.
It's not Randy! Okay? It's Ryan!
And all this talk about you being there when you're not there, it's bull! Okay?
I'm tired of your nonsense! You're fired!
Hey! Sit down here. Sit down here for a second.
All of you, sit down. You take the bass out of your voice when you talk to me.
Now, we just completed phase one.
See if this guy has any mettle. And guess what we found out?
Filkins does have some mettle. So now we move to phase two.
Know what phase two is? Direct contact.
That's where I come in. Because I will not let this happen again,
if I can help it.
So what's the plan?
- The plan? - Yeah.
How early do you guys have to get up for school?
- 7:00. - 7:00.
Oh, God. Okay. Tomorrow, we all go in together.
Hey, Wade, what's up?
Where'd you get the shiner?
Come in here, boy. Talk to me.
I was protecting this one kid in my school
from a bunch of bullies and one of them punched me.
What? Why would you protect the kid from a bully?
So he doesn't get beat up.
Then you're interfering with the natural order.
When I was a kid, I was kind of a bully.
But it's not a bad thing. There was this kid. I don't know what it was.
Maybe it was his stupid face. But he'd just really get under my skin.
So I pushed him around a little bit, called him some hurtful names,
and I honestly think, if I met him today, he'd thank me for it.
I prepared him for the harshness of the real world.
Thanks, Jim.
I'm a resource, Wade. You should use me more often.
Is it locked?
- You got lunch money? - Yep.
- You got any tests today? - See you and the questions.
Don't fresh-off to any of your teachers.
All right, come here, give mommy a kiss.
Come on, punky-wunky. I love you.
- Okay. - Be good.
- Bye. I love you. - Bye. I love you, Mommy!
"I love you, Mommy."
Black ops in the hizzouse.
This old soldier could use a kissy from mommy.
Come on. I'm going in to the school today.
Drillbit is going in. Very visible. Let's do it.
- You can't go in there looking like that. - Why?
You look like Crocodile Dundee or something.
Screw you. What're you talking about?
I'm just saying we need to clean you up.
Wrong. This soldier doesn't clean up. What you see is what you get.
Drillbit, you just don't look like a teacher.
I mean, we need you to blend in. The camouflage technique.
- In my house. Come on. - Let's go.
"Camouflage technique"? I like that.
...if I remember how to do this. It really is strong enough for a man.
Did your dad leave any socks behind?
How many tardies can you have before they give you a detention?
Emmit, you're drying my eyeballs.
All right, here's our class schedules and a detailed map of the school.
We have the first class together, so just meet us by the Life Skills room
so you can walk us to our lockers.
Okay, now, remember, I'm not just gonna walk in there
and start kicking ass, okay? I got to protect you guys,
but I need to blend in and lay low.
I'm gonna be visible to you guys, but invisible to everyone else.
That's a look that says, "I have no idea what I'm doing here."
All first-time subs have it. Welcome to McKinley!
- Thanks. Was it that obvious? - Well, yeah, a little bit.
Whoa!
Not you kids. Please, go to class. Go, go, go. Get away from me.
You, second floor, teachers' lounge.
They'll give you your assignment up there. It's right over there.
- I'm gonna head up there. Okay. - Yep? You got it.
How're you doing?
Teachers' lounge. They're all the same.
Put your names on the food. Smart.
Sneaky.
- See Grey's Anatomy last night? - Yeah.
- Hey, Lis. - Hi.
Got half an orange with your name on it.
Oh, no, thanks.
- Can I help you? - No. With what?
- Are you lost? - No. Why?
- You look like a lost parent. - No.
No. I'm a substitute.
- For what? - For whatever needs substituting.
Yeah, they'll just plug me in. I think I'm just gonna wait here until,
you know, if they need me in French, then that's where I'll go.
- You know French? - A little bit. Yeah.
Enough to get by, or enough to teach these animals.
- What do you teach? - English.
My native tongue.
I'm Lisa Zachey.
Now is that Miss or Missus Zachey?
- Miss. - Miss. It had to be. Enchante.
And who are you?
Drill... Dr. Illbit.
Oh.
- Yeah. - A doctor.
Teacher. Teacher and a doctor. Just want to help.
People don't care how I do it. Just give me a chance to help.
- You want some hot coffee? - Only in the worst way.
Who can give me another name for gonorrhea?
That's a little hint.
That's right, the clap. Or the drip.
All right, Dane? Get the lights.
In the male, the bacteria of gonorrhea usually enters by way of the urethra.
From two to five days later, the guy feels a painful burning,
particularly when he urinates...
They make these things to scare us. I'm not scared of this.
...looks like this.
- I really like your suit. - Yeah. I really like your everything.
Now what do we do?
Not many teachers can afford a suit like that.
- Yeah? - Lf he wants to eat.
Well, I mainly eat out of a dumpster.
I should try that. I need some new dresses.
Don't. Or if you do, stay away from the one at Ocean and Wilshire.
That's mine. Seriously, stay out of it.
- What are we doing? Let's go. - I don't know.
You're a bad boy.
- Maybe I need a detention. - You're funny.
- I'm not joking. - Me, either.
Look, I want nothing more than to spend the rest of the day
sitting on this couch with you,
but I got to get to class because my students need me. Okay?
No. You still have five minutes before the next class.
We do?
And you seem like someone who could accomplish a lot in five minutes.
I hope so.
Although five minutes might be four too many.
Let's go, let's go!
We really like Life Skills. Can we just stay in the room, maybe?
Why don't you practice some life skills out here in the hallway?
It's just as important.
Okay, where is he?
This is bull. Maybe I should just beat the crap out of you two.
There's Brooke!
Oh, no. There he is.
I think I'd better get...
When are you free? I want to see you.
- I have sixth period free. - Sixth period? Okay.
I think I have that period free, also.
Why don't we meet back here? Okay?
- Okay. - Meet me right here?
I'll keep the couch warm.
We better check the tags to make sure this couch is flame retardant.
- I will. - You know?
You know what I mean? Flame retardant?
- Yes. - 'Cause you're hot.
Where is Life Skills?
Drillbit, come in, please! Where are you?
Drillbit, come in!
I don't know! I can't understand Emmit's map!
- Go, go, go! - Come on, Emmit. Come on.
- Crap! - I knew Drillbit was a fraud.
- I told you! - He's gonna be here!
Life Skills!
I need Life Skills!
Out of my way!
Open the door!
How is that up to code?
Excuse me! Mordor Castle coming through!
This is real! This is not a drill.
Everybody, clear the hall!
That means you! Let's go! Clear the hall!
The freak actually came through, huh?
Awesome!
- Hoo-rah. - Hoo-rah.
All right.
Mister Filkins! Why don't you just come up
to the front of the class and read from
The Collected Works of the Romantic Poets?
"I like kissing this and that of you
"I like slowly stroking the shocking fuzz"
Hey, aren't you the guy that kicked Filkins' butt freestyling?
You better believe it. They call me T-Dog.
- Wow, that's cool. - He is so cute!
Wow.
Wade, this is Drillbit. Come in. Wade?
- Yeah? - Filkins is heading east down the stairs.
The first stairwell. He's coming down now. Watch your ass.
Read you. Copy. Roger.
F.Y.I., I just heard this pack of girls yapping, and your girl, Brooke,
just got cast in Romeo and Juliet. You might want to check that out.
Madam, madam, your lady mother is coming to your chamber!
The day is broke, be wary, look about.
Come on! You're dogging it! Faster! Faster!
Go! I want to see some more!
Go! Come on! Let's go! Let's go! One more!
And you guys! I don't want you just watching!
Do some bass fishing! Then reel it in!
Come on!
Let's go, keep going! Work some thumbs!
For texting!
Look out, huh?
- How was school, Professor? - It is great.
And as long as you got a coffee cup in your hand, nobody says anything.
I was thinking about writing a paper on...
- Hey! - What the...
Coffee cup.
Now, Castro, he knew that he was not gonna get
any action with Marilyn Monroe.
And that is why John F. Kennedy was shot.
- Don! - Hello, fellow teacher.
Come on, guys, hit the showers!
Look, my rope's too short. I can't get down.
Where you going? Get back here!
- Yo, hold on! - What is this?
Ronnie, let yourself down.
Happy birthday, Dr. Illbit
Happy birthday to you
Hey, T-Dog. You've got to admit hiring Drillbit was a good idea.
- Okay, you're right. - See?
The freak's actually worth all the money we're spending on him, I guess.
Good morning.
- Great coffee this morning, Dr. Illbit. - Enjoy it.
- You know, I really like it here. - You're doing a great job, Drillbit.
I know I am.
Come here, come here, come here.
Okay, quick. Pop quiz. You like a girl.
You're completely shocked that she likes you.
Things are already just crazy hot, just loco.
But now you'd like to ask her out.
And you're not sure if she's just in it for the sex.
And you haven't been on a date in forever.
And you're a little bit afraid,
and you don't know what the hell you're doing, anyway.
Well, I can't really relate to that,
but what I would do is just join every club she's in
and eventually work up the nerve to talk to her.
- And how's that working for you? - Not at all.
Okay, look. One should do the opposite.
- Yeah, probably. - Okay.
Congratulations, you just passed. Hey, scram. Scram. Crotch blocker.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Look, you look pretty. - Thank you.
You know, I haven't been on a lot of dates,
and I really don't know the way this is supposed to work,
because we kind of skipped that part.
But would you ever want to get together after school and maybe hang out?
I'm sorry.
Rule 35A in the teacher's manual states that you cannot date other teachers.
Oh, really. Yeah. Probably a good policy.
Yeah.
So it's a good thing you're a doctor.
So, yes.
- I'll see you tonight? - Okay.
The Battle of Sekigahara
when Kanetsugu mocked Tokunaga's abuses,
which only infuriated Tokunaga
who then summoned Toyotomi and united Japan.
And kept the local feudal lords from warring.
Hey. What are you doing in this club?
I'm Asian.
He died. Then...
- No, you aren't. - Yeah. A little bit.
Really?
- You don't even look a little Asian. - Yeah, I know.
The West attacked first.
So how come I see you in, like, so many activities I'm in?
Just... I joined some of the clubs you were in because
I wanted to have a chance to talk to you.
Wakisaka, 990 men. Ankokuji, 1,800 men.
So you're not Asian.
No.
Well, maybe somewhere way back.
Chosokabe, 6,600 men. This is exciting, don't you think?
All these men.
Well, you can't quit now.
I'm gonna make you come to all our meetings.
Membership is way down this year.
Okay. I can do that.
- Is everything okay at school? - Yeah. Everything's fine. I'm busy.
Honey, I know there's a lot of pressure on kids once they get to high school.
And there are kids who are gonna want to be your friend,
but they'll also want you to take their drugs.
I just noticed that you seem to be out of money a lot lately,
and I want to make sure you're not spending your money on that.
No! I'm not doing drugs, Mom. I promise.
Coach says drugs are for losers.
You sure you're not high?
No!
Well, I notice you're really going at your food.
- Got the munchies? - Anyways, we just worry about you.
I understand that.
Also, I'm missing a silver platter that was in the living room.
- Have you seen it? - I'm taking Home Ec.
We needed serving trays for appetizers. Sorry.
Yeah, well, come to think of it, I'm missing a watch.
You didn't take that to Home Ec, too, did you?
Oh, yeah. We're making watch cupcakes, Jim.
Watch it, wise guy.
Hey.
Careful, Wade. You don't sneak up on somebody like that.
- Sorry. - No, it's okay.
But I could have jumped up and killed you in two moves,
and then, I don't know, I'd feel guilty.
- I talked to Brooke. - Really? Have a seat.
- I think she might like me. - Yeah?
Yeah. At least a little bit.
That's all you need. Get your foot in the door.
I don't think I would have had the confidence to have tried without you.
- I mean... - Come on.
It's been great having someone around who, like, likes me
and isn't making fun of me or telling me to join the football team
like my stepdad.
Just do your best. Be all you can be. What's the Army always say?
"Have it your way."
I think that's Burger King.
Where do you think they got it from?
Plus, what you did. The whole black ops bodyguard thing.
Well, yeah.
Yeah. I actually wanted to be a doctor.
Yeah.
But my old man was an Army colonel, wouldn't pay for me to go to college.
Yeah. He always said, "Drillbit, you're not the doctor type. You're stupid."
I guess he thought that because I didn't get good grades
or like to go to school.
I don't know. Maybe he was right.
So you became an army of one.
An army of one.
Here.
We made this for you.
An army of four.
I don't know if you understand,
but before we met you, we thought our lives were gonna suck forever.
At least I did.
Well, you're right. I don't understand because of how hardened I am.
Tough thing about what I do is I can't let my guard down.
Well, for what it's worth,
I hope after all this is done, you'll still be my friend.
Bye.
This is so beautiful.
I love coming out here.
Actually, I used to live in a small place near here until it got re-zoned.
Yeah.
- That's a shame. - Nah. Probably just as well.
Hey, stranger.
Can you spare some change, stranger?
Here you go.
- Sucker. - Yeah.
Got some money for some food? Hi.
No time to be cheap.
- Wow. - Good evening, sir. Can I get a dollar?
- Cool. Thank you very much. - Yeah.
Hey, can I get another dollar?
You look familiar.
You know that you're a better person than me,
because, I hate to say it, but I just get irritated.
They irritate the shit out of me. I felt like...
But then you have to think, they work for the grace of God, so...
- That's cute. - Hey, you want to see something cool?
Come here.
- There. - Thank you.
So what else do you have in here?
- Two-buck Chuck. - You know that wine?
I love this wine.
- That's all a teacher can afford. - Tell me about it.
Get this.
And here I was all worried that you were gonna take me
to some hip dance club or something.
That's definitely not me.
But, no, I'm actually more of
a kind of simple, just down to earth outdoorsman.
I like that you don't try too hard.
The truth is, this is me trying really, really hard.
That's cute.
Look, I want to talk to you. I mean...
There's some things I want you to know about me.
I want us to look each other in the eye, and I want us to get it out on the table,
and we just, you know, we listen, and there's no judgment.
God. You're just so great. You're really just like the perfect guy for me.
- Really? - I'm serious.
You're just beautiful, and you're nice to me, and it's so great.
'Cause I'm really just always attracted to just such dirtbag guys.
They're out there.
I'm a real loser magnet. It's, like, on some unconscious level,
I just need to be with a guy who has absolutely nothing going for him.
You know, just some loser, some bum lying pig.
- Stop, stop, stop, stop. - You know, just...
Stop it.
I get it. You made some bad choices, and who hasn't?
It's just you were starting to rant a little bit.
It's just I'm happy to be with somebody...
I know.
You're with a doctor now.
Yeah. Thank God.
Let's just kiss.
Did you do that?
Kid just jumped out of the bushes and started jamming. That's weird.
I got nothing to do with it.
- That naked guy's my teacher! - What?
- Yeah! - He ain't your teacher!
Every day he's at the off-ramp. I give him some change.
What do you mean? Like a bum?
What are you talking about? He's not a bum! Less fortunate!
Yeah, or get out of the way.
How're you doing?
- Hey, how's it going, Drillbit? - Hey, Drillbit.
So, listen, you know the thing we talked about?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Plan's off. - What?
- Drillbit! Drillbit. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you mean the plan's off?
It's not off. I just mean let's... Let's postpone it.
'Cause I don't think we need to get their belongings now.
These kids, they kind of look at me like I'm a hero,
and, I don't know, let's run with that for a little bit.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You're really getting into this whole teacher thing here, huh?
With the sweaters and the loafers.
- They're wingtips. - You look like you teach Fagonometry.
What the hell is this? Who are you?
I got an old saying for you, Drillbit, "You can't polish a turd."
Hey, Don, first of all, that's not an old saying.
You stole that from me.
I say it all the time. Secondly, I'm insulted.
Well, you should be. Drillbit, I know you.
And the real you would do this deal, man.
There's a lot of heads that want to feed off of this, man. Don't let us down.
No! No, that's just it.
For the first time, I'm not letting everybody down.
- And now you're not making any sense! - Yeah.
That guy's a fraud! He's a bum in a Mister Rogers sweater!
Yo, yo, yo, yo. Okay, check it out, check it out.
I just saw the new substitute...
Delta-four-niner, this is Yu-Gi-Oh-seven.
On the highway to the danger zone.
Repeat, on the highway, over.
Oh, shitballs!
Yu-Gi-Oh-four-seven, you are not clear to cross.
Repeat, you got a bogie northbound.
- Oh, crap. - Guys, hold your position.
I'm en route.
Guys, hold your position!
Come here, you little rat turds!
No! Come on!
Yo, so what'd you do, huh?
What, did you give the substitute teacher some spare change
- so he'd give us a hard time? - Get them!
Mister Filkins?
Excuse me. I need you to get to class.
And you three, I want you out of here, too!
- Go on! - Hey.
Get out of my face, you bum!
Maybe I will if you stop hassling these kids.
But until you're ready to do that,
I'm gonna give you some detentions to think about it.
Please, just don't, don't give me detention.
Yeah. That's my power, and I will exercise it.
And then what? Huh? You gonna make us shower on the beach
with you and the rest of the bums?
- Yeah, we're on to you, buddy. - What's that supposed to mean?
What a freak. You got some weird little fantasies there, kid.
Okay, here's the deal. Let me make it real simple.
I'm a faculty...
Punk-ass!
- He got me right in the ear! - Run! Run!
- Yeah! Run! Save yourself! - Run!
Medic!
I got hit right in the nose!
Followed up by a shot to the ear!
Oh, man. Okay.
Oh, that doesn't work at all.
- This whole time he's a bum! - Hey! Hey, you guys, hold it! Wait up!
- Guys, let me explain! - Explain what, huh?
Filkins is just gonna come after us harder than ever!
What was that about showering on the beach?
You guys, hold it.
Why would you shower on the beach?
Why don't we all just shower on the beach?
It's part of my morning fitness regimen!
I jog on the beach five miles, then I swim ten miles.
That's what I do to stay in shape. Then I shower.
So, why didn't you defend yourself?
'Cause I got sucker punched! Look at this!
Then I got hit in the ear,
which you probably can't even see, 'cause it's so deep in the ear canal.
I didn't really get hurt,
but I just kind of went down to give you guys a chance to get away.
We paid you to beat him up!
How am I gonna beat him up with all these kids around?
Okay, then the principal comes and maybe some cops.
They'll find out I'm not a real teacher.
What good am I if I'm sitting there in jail?
Look, I took a bullet for you guys today.
You guys got off scot-free!
- Did you get hurt? - No.
I'm like one of those guys jumping in front of the President.
And, look, I'm not expecting a thank you. That's my job.
But maybe give me a bonus or something.
Sly used to throw in a car every now and then.
I'm so sorry, Drillbit.
What am I gonna do with you guys?
You want some cereal?
- You got any Cap'n Crunch? - Yeah.
Let's go.
- Drillbit! - What are you doing?
- What the hell? - No, don't, stop. Come on.
- Put that stuff down! - Hey, no way, man!
- Drillbit, why you yelling? - Drillbit, back off, man!
- You know these guys? - No, I don't know these people!
We're almost done here, all right?
- I am freaking out! - My parents are gonna kill me!
- What the hell's going on? - Everything's fine!
- Screw this, man! I'm out of here! - Wait a second!
- Why are you all yelling? - Don?
- Not like this! What are you doing? - Take it easy!
- Just take it easy, man. - This isn't the plan.
- Relax. - All the shit's gone in your house.
You came to me as a man, I came to you as a man.
All the shit is gone in my house!
- Are you... - Don't you touch me!
Don't make me Billy Jack your ass.
Watch out!
That's how you Billy Jack somebody's ass.
Come on, Bernie, let's go!
Let's go! Go on, get out of the way, man!
- Let's go! - Let's go!
You'd better run! I saw your faces!
I got a photogenic memory!
Get out of my house, you asshole!
What? There's another one? I'll kill the asshole!
No! You, asshole! Get out of my house, now! Look at what you've done!
I didn't do anything!
I'm trying to help you guys! Look at me!
Wade, I think one of them peed in your kitchen.
- Great! - Should I call the police?
No, don't call the police! Just stop.
Drillbit, just tell us the truth.
You can't handle the truth! I can't... What do you want to hear?
That I was raised in an orphanage?
That I... That no one wanted me? You don't want to hear that!
'Cause that's a lie, too!
Fine. Maybe I wasn't completely straight with you guys about who I am.
So you lied about being in the military?
No! That's true. I was trained by the United States Army.
Then why could a teenager beat you up with so little effort?
Because I don't like violence. I wasn't cut out to be a soldier.
- Boo-hoo. - I like the parts with the repelling
and the crawling through the mud and the swinging on the monkey bars
and the helping the wounded, but I don't like confrontation.
Even this, with you three ganging up on me, is not... I don't...
- It's really... I'm sorry. - Shit!
You were in the military, huh? Tell me where you served.
My company was in the Middle East, and I was there for like half a day.
I saw some camels and heard some,
I think, were some explosions, I don't know.
And it was... It was so hot over there. It was...
I just climbed in the wheel well of a cargo plane, and I flew back to the U.S.
I went AWOL. It was...
Is your name even Drillbit?
Is my...
What? How can you ask me that?
Is it?
No, it's... It's Alamo Taylor.
No. That's a lie, too.
There I go, trying to impress a bunch of kids again.
When are you gonna grow up?
My real name is Bob Taylor.
Not Robert, just Bob.
There, you satisfied? And I didn't kill anyone with a drill bit.
Although when I was in high school,
I did puncture my pinky with a drill bit.
And everyone started calling me Drillbit, making fun of me.
- Okay? And you can see the scar... - No, get away.
...if you look closely right there. Can you see?
Look, Ryan, look, you can see it. It's real. Look.
Can you see it in the light?
So you were just using us to take our money and everything in my house?
That's kind of an oversimplification.
I thought you cared about us.
I do. I just...
I thought you were my friend.
Get out, Drillbit, and don't ever come back.
Leave!
I'm sorry.
Hello?
Hey. Yeah, look, I know...
I'm sorry, I know I was supposed to meet you,
but I'm just having a real terrible day.
Where are you?
Remember you said you had that real self-destructive pattern
of always going out with guys that were just real losers, just dirtbags?
Total zeros.
- Yes. - Well.
You might not be out of the woods yet with that.
No, you said you were a doctor. You're a doctor. You're not a doctor?
No, I'm not a doctor.
I'm a homeless U.S. Army deserter. I was...
I'm not a teacher, but I'm at the school. I'm trying to protect these kids.
What? What did you say about homeless?
Like, metaphorically speaking or in a box?
You got to let it out.
You got to just let it out. Just...
That's not it.
Drillbit? I mean, Bob. It's us, the guys.
- Pick up, Bob. - Yeah, pick up, Drillbit.
Boys?
We just called to say we're calling the cops on you,
and we hope you spend the rest of your pathetic life in prison!
Now I see why people call you Drillbit. Because you screw people!
You're a jackass and a dirtbag.
And I want my bar mitzvah money back.
Oh, yeah, and I'd like my walkie-talkie back. Over.
I tell you what, I'll give you 1,500 for everything.
1,500? Come on, man.
This stuff holds a lot of sentimental value.
- To who? - To the people I stole it from.
I don't care about them. 1,500.
All right. Deal. What do I do? Just back this thing up?
- Yeah, back it right up. - All right.
How're you doing, Don?
You got a real stupid laugh, you know that, Don?
How about you go ahead and hop on out of that van here,
so I can kick your ass again?
Sorry, but this haul's getting returned to sender.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, it is, Don.
And I'll tell you another thing that's gonna happen.
This left foot is gonna go on the right side
- of your face! - Oh, give me a break, Drillbit.
I know you and the Drillbit I know isn't capable of really doing it!
Hoo-rah!
I'm giving you one more chance to save this friendship!
Damn it! You ready for this, Don?
- No! - Yeah!
Polish that turd, Don!
I'm dead.
- You're dead. - I'm sad.
Wade, what's wrong? Is everything okay?
Yeah, but you're not gonna wanna go home.
- Oh, no, no, no. The cable go out? - Lf it is, you're dead.
Of course it was your fault!
You were home! You should have stopped them!
Bear with me. I didn't mean for this to happen.
Oh, God.
Please don't scream.
What the hell? I thought we were robbed!
We were!
We didn't get robbed! We got rearranged!
You and your weirdo friends have a marijuana party?
- No! - Oh, honey.
- Punish him, Dad. - Yeah, don't let him get away with this.
- Are you smoking pot? - No. I'm really confused.
No, no, Wade. Drillbit must have done it.
Who's Drillbit?
You tell me what's going on now, Wade.
I just... I think it's weird, you know,
that this is what I get for trying to make them feel like a part of the group.
I mean, I saw it like a school tradition. It's hazing, yeah, but
just to, you know, make them feel like they belonged.
Sort of like a fun initiation.
I mean, didn't you all have that when you were kids?
Yeah. I remember my first few days. Got tied to the flagpole,
egged a few times. At the end of it, it's all laughs.
Yeah, Wade, boys, you really shouldn't have panicked like that.
Yeah, this boy's not dangerous,
not compared to a dirty, homeless ex-soldier.
The more I think about it, that guy, he could've really hurt me.
All right. I'm... I'm sorry, but your boys brought a fugitive onto school property
threatening the safety of my students.
Now, I don't... I don't wanna point any fingers here,
but I think we all know who's to blame.
You put my life in danger, guys.
It's worse than any hazing that anybody could do.
I'm just lucky I was able to defend myself.
Who knows what might have happened?
This guy's a veteran! How many people might he have killed?
Did anybody see "To Catch a Predator" on Dateline?
- I watched that! - I saw that, yeah.
It's where they set the booby trap for the pedophiles.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. - A grandfather, a priest...
I mean, could you imagine it? You think you're on a date,
and then all of a sudden, police are everywhere.
- Yeah. - My God, this guy knows where we live.
- Yeah. - Okay.
I think you'll be glad to know I gave security camera footage of this Drillbit
to the police and they said they'd be watching for him.
No, what the hell's the matter with you guys?
Are you mentally defective or something?
You got to understand, Drillbit was around because
this psychopath over here was gonna murder us!
I mean, Filkins is the real criminal!
Yes! He has a samurai sword
- he has used on his other victims! - All right...
Sit down!
Thank you very much.
Now, Terry.
Is there any truth to this?
Oh, yeah. All of it.
I'm really a samurai warrior from the 14th century sent to kill them.
He's cute.
Okay, I hope I speak for everyone here
in saying that I feel this issue is resolved.
- Thank you. Okay, okay. - All right?
Very good. Thank you for coming in, folks.
- Thank you. - All right, yeah.
- Hey, wasn't that fun? - Hell, yeah.
- Oh, my goodness! - Great.
- You feel better now, honey? - Terry, honey.
I did not know you were all alone.
We want to have you over to the house for dinner, okay?
- That would be wonderful! - Wade could use more friends.
Give me one, please.
You're kind of a born loser. It's funny.
It's not funny.
It's funny to me.
Come on, don't jinx me. Don't jinx me.
500! Yes! Yes! I did it!
- I got it, man! - Dude!
Look at that! Yes!
You got a ticket to Canada!
You better believe it! Come on, man!
Finally! Finally, I get one!
Come here, you! This candy's on me! Put it down!
You got it! Well, maybe just get one of them. Here. Here you go!
Okay, keep your eyes peeled.
- Do you see Filkins? - No, but I see Brooke.
Gonna go for it. I'm gonna ask her out.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You waited all this time. Why now? - Why not?
My life sucks so badly, even if she says no,
it's not like I'll have very far to fall.
I don't know.
- Hi. - Hi.
Look, I don't know how to do this.
In fact, I've been wanting to do this for a while. I just didn't know
when would be a good time. I don't...
I didn't know if it would ever be a good time. I mean, if I'd ever think...
It's okay, Brooke.
Yo, bro, I swear to God those ain't my sodas,
but if you wanted to, say, hire me or something, like a bodyguard,
I think maybe I could dedicate my life to finding the real culprit.
Wade, come on. I'm okay with this, so let's just go.
What'd you say, ho?
Okay, you know what? What is your problem?
Why don't you just leave them alone?
What are you gonna do, bro? What are you gonna do?
You aren't gonna do anything, because you don't have any balls.
- Leave him alone! - It's just not in you.
You see? Look at that.
Sackless!
Why do you even waste my time? You're pathetic.
You all right, Wade?
- Don't worry about that guy. - He's just insecure inside.
- Get up. Let's get out of here. - Wade?
Where are you going?
- T-Dog! Stop him! - Fight! Fight!
Come on, Wade!
I'll kick the crap out of you right now. You know why?
Half because everyone is sick of your garbage
and half because of what you said to Brooke!
Do you think I'm dumb?
Trying to trick me into getting myself in trouble?
Fine. Then we'll beat your face in somewhere else.
- Anywhere. Go ahead. You name it. - Okay, good.
Everybody! Everybody! I'm gonna kick their asses tonight at my house!
Everybody should come! It's gonna be hilarious!
Ultimate Geek Fighting!
Once you step on my property, you're freaking trespassing, brother,
and I can do anything I want.
You're nothing but a pathetic wimp,
and everyone's gonna know by the end of tonight, brother!
And I will see you there!
What have I just done?
That was awesome, man.
- Me and Emmit are gonna back you up. - Oh, now it's "me and Emmit."
You've never been nice to me, Ryan, and I've only been kind to you.
And I've tried so hard to make this friendship work,
but I am not going to die for someone who won't die for me!
"Survival technique." I renounce violence.
I have a future!
What do we do next?
Guess we'd better learn how to fight.
- Jump left, jump left. - Come on, Blue.
- That's what I'm talking about! - No, no, no, no.
- That's what I'm talking about! - Come on!
Come on! Yes!
This PowerBar's really working.
I feel stronger.
I feel fatter.
Well, what do you want me to do? You just want me to hit you?
Come on. Do me this one favor.
That was perfect!
All right. We need to learn how to take a punch.
You ready? Let me go first.
- All right? - Okay.
Block out the pain.
Remember what that douche bag Drillbit taught us?
- Mind over pain! - Okay.
All right. Hit me in the chest.
Jeez!
- Your knuckles are all bone! - All right.
We get to call how hard the other guy hits.
All right. Ten being the hardest, how hard do you want it?
Five. In the back. In the back.
Oh, God!
Wonder what it feels like getting hit in the middle of the forehead.
Jeez!
- All right, new rules! - Okay.
I'm not gonna tell you where I'm gonna hit you.
- No, I don't like that rule. - No, it's good.
- No, it's not good. - It's good. It simulates a real fight.
- Trust me. - All right, fine.
I can't see this coming.
There's no way Wade can hurt me.
Not balls!
You hit me in the nuts!
Dear Mom, if you're reading this,
it's very possible that I'm dead.
If I don't survive, you should definitely sue Emmit's family.
P.S. Sorry I let your silver platter get stolen.
My raps and rhymes will become more valuable now.
You're free to sell them to Ghostface Killah.
Remember the plan. Strike first and strike hard.
You go for the head. I'll go for the nuts.
It actually looks like a pretty cool party.
Oh! Hey, guys.
So, how does it feel to know that death is just a few moments away?
- Where's Filkins? - In the kitchen.
In case we don't make it,
- I don't want to have any regrets. - Yeah.
Face!
I've already got the first hit out of the way.
Let's get some.
Hey! Hey, hey. Everybody, everybody!
These kids actually came!
These are the Siamese queers I've been telling you about!
They showed up! They really are that dumb!
I hate when he calls me that.
So we're gonna have a good time! Because they...
It worked.
- It's over! - That was easy.
- We did it, we did it! - We did.
Everybody, from ninth grade to twelfth grade,
I promise you, his reign of tyranny is over!
I proclaim it! He will never bother us again!
And he's getting up!
You're dead.
And I'm in big trouble!
Catch me off guard? You broke my stairs.
My father loved those stairs!
You blocking out the pain?
I thought I was for a second, but I'm totally not.
You want to play?
Let's play.
Get up, get up, get up! Come on, Ryan.
You're like, super-hot. I'm never gonna leave you.
- Ronnie! You're missing out. - Okay.
Hey, boys!
Yo, Jay, give me some murder music.
This just gets better and better.
All right!
Hey, yo, yo. Back off.
I want to fight both these bitches.
They're yours, Filk! They're yours, baby! Here we go.
- You're the bitch! - Huh?
That's right!
What the...
- Emmit's got game! - Oh, yeah!
- Good one, Ron! - Come on!
Bear hug!
- Come on! - Oh!
I have reach! I have reach!
Come on, Wade! You're like Rocky! Get back out there!
- I can't breathe! I can't breathe! - You're not gonna hurt me anymore?
I won't hurt you! You should let go! I can't breathe, Ryan, can't breathe!
I'll let you go. Not gonna hurt me anymore, are...
- I have reach! - No! Wade!
Hey! Hey, there. Hey...
- Didn't hurt! - Really?
Yeah.
Okay, that did.
Let that kid go.
Private Drillbit Taylor reporting for duty!
- Hoo-rah. - You came back?
- Yeah. - What the hell are you even doing here?
What, you need more money from these geeks?
No. But this fight is over!
You hear me? Abierto!
Done.
It's over, people! Pack it up! Go home!
Look. You're a young man. You got... You got a crazy look in your eye.
And it's really freaking me out right now.
Nice punch.
I try to be reasonable, but I got to tell you,
these boys hired me as their bodyguard and I will protect them!
Want to hear something crazy?
Deep inside you, I know there's a good kid.
God damn it, I'm sick of getting hit by this kid.
Come on, Drillbit. Kick his ass.
- I can't! He's a minor! - No, he's not. He's 18.
You're 18?
That's it.
Drillbit!
How old are you?
Okay! All right, I'm 17. I'm a minor.
- My mom drives me to school. - Come on!
I swear to God!
That was awesome.
Man, Drillbit, you're badass.
I don't think I could do that again.
It's weird. I guess it's like
when a mother lifts an automobile off a child.
- Yeah. - You just get that burst of strength.
That's the only way I can explain it.
Adrenaline. That's the word for it.
My hands are... My hands are still shaking.
- Thanks for coming back. - You kidding me? I had to do it.
I'm not gonna go AWOL on you boys.
I made that mistake one...
Crap on a shit sandwich! I'm out of here, boys! Adios!
Bye, Drillbit!
Hey, fags!
This ain't over!
- He feels no pain. - Whoa.
Was that my pinky?
- Are you okay? - My finger!
You okay?
- I'm so sorry. - Why did I catch a sword?
- I lost it. No, no. - Let me see it. Let me see it.
- I lost it. - Let me see it. Let me see it.
No, it's okay. I'm blocking the pain.
I can't block this pain. Get some ice for me.
It's not bad. Here, help me find it
- before the ants get it. - Where'd you last see it?
- Look in the grass. - My dad, yo, just don't tell my dad!
Help me, guys! Find it before a rat gets it!
See it? Look over there.
- Is that it? - Where?
Hey, guys, I found it!
No!
We found it.
Get me some ice.
- Ice! - Ice!
Margarita all right?
Oh, my God.
Bro!
Come on, buddy. We got to get you to a hospital.
- All right, let's go. - Let's go.
It's gonna be okay.
Congratulations, boys. You just caught the great Bob Taylor.
Fantastic. No alcohol in the car, sir.
Oh, yeah. Well, let me get the finger out.
Hoo-rah.
- Yo, dudes, that was awesome! - Thanks, man.
Man, you have no idea how long kids have been waiting to do that.
- Thanks. - Dude, this is gonna be blogged,
for sure!
I am so glad I did not go to my sister's birthday party!
Hey.
He was amazing.
You know, Terry's just always been crazy.
You know, he's threatened me with his sword all the time.
I'm just tired of being scared, you know?
- Hey, are you okay? - Yeah.
When the adrenaline rush passes, I'm gonna be in a lot more pain.
I don't want you to think I'm the kind of guy who tries to impress girls
with violence, but that was kind of for you.
That was very brave of you.
You know, Emmit, I can't believe I'm saying this...
You, my friend, are one crazy son of a bitch, you know that?
You have no idea how scared I was.
All right. Now, let's go get something to eat. I'm starving.
Dear Wade, Ryan and little, tiny Emmit.
Thanks for sending the Cap'n Crunch.
Suddenly, I'm very popular in here.
Hey, Bob. Give me some of that Cap'n Crunch or I'll stab you in the shower.
Just kidding.
I was glad to read in your last correspondence
that Filkins was shipped off back to Hong Kong
to be with his parents for breaking so many underage drinking laws.
Now maybe high school can be what you want it to be
- instead of sucking rat nads. - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
As for me, every time I look at where my pinky used to be,
I think of you boys and our battles together.
It's kind of cool.
Luckily, they have a work release program,
and they say I should be able to land a job,
which excites me a great deal.
And speaking of exciting me a great deal,
Miss Zachey and I have been in contact.
I don't know why women dig guys in prison, but they really do.
On top of that, all I can say is, I miss you guys
and will see you when I get out.
Which, thanks to the currently lenient nature of the United States Army
deserting laws is in two days from now,
officially satisfying my three-week sentence.
- Your brother, Bob Taylor. - See you, Drillbit.
- AKA Drillbit. - Later, bro.
AKA, Alamo Taylor.
I still like the sound of that.
There you are!
- Drillbit! - Come on.
- Oh, my God. - There he is.
Come on, get in here! Come here! Fall in!
- He's a free man! - Give me a hug!
Give me a hug. Yeah.
Well, that's gonna keep me smiling all day, huh?
Yeah, that's my buddy, Drillbit.
He's a cool guy. We're in a fight right now.
This has been the longest three weeks of my life.
I missed you, too.
- Feels good. - You gonna shake the jail?
- It wasn't that bad. - Come on, let's go.
You know, the guy in the next cell taught me some Spanish.
Did you know abierto means "open"?
Help! I'm bleeding!
Come here, soldier. Let me take a look at that.
Come here. Jump up there.
You got a little bloody nose. Tilt your head back, 45-degree angle.
- What happened? - Somebody punched me.
Tell me his name. Names. It'll never happen again.