This is a story about stick figures who live
in a world full of monsters and explosions and raccoons
and a lot of other cool stuff too.
And it all takes place on a little planet we
like to call Earth.
There it is.
Fart. Who the fuck cares?
I can't wait for lunch. My god.
Do you think there are going to be boys at this school or what?
Ew! Boys have cooties.
Audios, assholes. I'm late for a rave.
Yee!
No!
Not the Explosion Factory!
Where'd you learn to walk... cripple school?
Nice!
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
Kiss my butt losers. Hey, bitch.
You want a pixie stick? My mom says those turn you into a whore.
Probably! Hello, Blue!
Hey, Lord Tourettes. Wow!
First day of class? Yeah.
Splendid! Mine as well!
Say, there's a young jerk face looking for you.
Says he wants to beat your back until you die.
Well, ta-ta. Ha ha ha!
Wee.
Sup, bro. You new here or what?
Yeah. First day.
Must be 'cause otherwise you'd know that this seesaw's for fifth graders.
Sorry. I didn't know.
Yeah?
Price for playing on the fifth grade playground is your milk money.
But I'm lactose intolerant. Really?
Well let's see if you're fist-tose intolerant.
What's the matter, blue kid? My mom says I drink too much water.
That's how come I cry so much and pee. Gross!
You know, I got held back five years, but my muscles didn't.
Old MacDonald had a farm, now you're going to die, nerd!
What is that? Wow.
Look, it's an asteroid!
Sup?
My god!
Who is that? It's a new kid!
Get him!
My god. You're so sexy.
I know. Dude, you saved my life!
I know. What's your name?
I know. I mean, I'm Red.
My name is Blue.
No matter what happens, I promise I will always be your friend.
I know cuz I'm awesome!
Gelato. Mama mia!
Come on, Blue, please. I'm not going to tell you.
Please, please, please. No way.
I got you the greatest birthday present of all time.
I'm not going to spoil the surprise. You're such a jerk.
My god!
Wow!
You a jerk and a wuss. No.
All right you pussy.
I got to go to work. See you later, Blue.
I'll call you tonight. Okay, smoopsie poo-poo pie.
I can't wait to see what you get me for my birthday.
Hey, toots! Go to hell, Red.
Okay! See you there!
Gelato.
Dude, this place is a dump. You know where there is a dump?
Your bed. Ha ha ha!
God dammit, dude. Not again.
Use the toilet!
Gelatto.
Mr. Dingleberry.
You haven't paid rent in eight months. My god.
You're right. Here, let me get my checkbook.
Okay. I'll just wait right here.
Gelato. Again.
Expired, expired, rotten, poison.
Dude, you've been playing that first level for three hours.
Can you really not make that jump? I can make it.
I just hate that little guy.
Momma mia! Move over.
I've got a degree in advanced joystick theory and I ain't afraid to use it.
Yeah, I heard you practicing last night. Olivia.
Mon. You do it for me every time.
There, done with hand crocheted towel of Olivia Mon.
Time to jack off.
Let me show you how this shit's done, son. What the fuck?
Who took the lights?
I mean, we haven't paid the electricity bill in seven months.
We pay for electricity? You don't!
I do. Wait!
All of our food's going to go bad! All of our food is bad!
Can't let precious foods go to waste. Dude, you know that's all expired?
I don't care! God.
Not the milk!
I'll keep you safe in my belly, cow juice.
I think I'm gonna vom. Hey, listen.
I, I got a big problem. I totally just lied to Pink.
Her birthday's next week and I told her I got her the
greatest gift of all time, but I didn't get her anything!
Give her this mayonnaise jar. No.
Come on.
You know what girls like, right? What should I get her?
Hey, you should go see the raccoon... See who?
The rac... What are you trying to say?
I can only say so many words before I...
The raccoon!
He's got the coolest stuff.
Yesh!
I don't know if I should get my girlfriend a gift in the pawn shop.
You should get her this cool hat! Yeah, try it on.
So, you want a gift for your girlfriend, hey?
Whoa.
How'd you know? You talk very loud.
Fits perfect!
Did you touch that fucking bear trap? No.
Idiot. Um.
So me and my girlfriend have been dating a long time and I
want to get her something super romantic.
I've got the perfect gift for you. But first, a story.
No! People stories.
A long time ago in ancient Japan my country was at war.
My small village was all that was left.
Knowing I may die in battle, I gave my wife a symbol of
undying love, a lotus flower.
Armed with the weapon of my ancestors, the Great Sword of
Destiny, I'd have to confront my fate.
But the mighty beast, Ocho Muerto, emerged from the sea
and took my wife.
I was too late.
In my rage, I fought the Tachigami Demon Army and slew
ten hundred thousand hundred warriors.
Honorably, all that remain was Armor Tachigami himself.
Though he shattered the bread and scattered it to the wind,
as he lay dying he said to me, fuck you.
He was a douche bag.
You may have won the battle, raccoon, but the ghosts of my
warriors will haunt the Great Sword of Destiny forever!
And with that he died, but his curse remains
guarding the sword against any who may seek to use it's great power again.
But the power of the bread was too strong, even for me.
And in the fury of battle, I found I destroyed not only the
Tachigami Demon Army, but all of Japan!
Dishonored, my kinsmen banished me from my home never again to return.
Sorry. I was bored by my own story.
Wait! So where's the sword?
There is only one left alive who knows. Who?
Hold up.
Why the hell would I give Pink a sword? This is retarded.
No!
Bring me the sword and in return, I shall give you the greatest gift a girl...
No! A woman...
No!
A goddess could hope to ever receive.
Is it a dick? Yes.
Really? No.
You're very gullible.
Well, who even knows where it still is?
You must find the man who considers me his
greatest enemy, my son, Son Sun.
Nope. You're weird.
I'm just going to go buy her some flowers. Shit, I'll find that sword.
This sounds awesome. What?
Really? Yeah, man.
It's a 10,000-year-old sword hidden in Japan guarded by demon ninjas.
That's the most awesome thing I've ever heard of!
Dude, you're going to get yourself killed going after that thing.
Maybe.
But at least I'm not a god damn Pussy! I'm not a pussy!
You are a pussy with a capital vagina!
I told you about the bread because I thought you would
have the courage to do something extraordinary.
Yeah, right.
All he does all day is sit in his room playing with his joystick.
He'd totally get killed.
Have fun staying home, man! I'll send you a post card.
This was a mistake.
Only a true hero could find the great sword of destiny.
But I can see now, it is not you.
You're wrong.
Oh? Yeah.
I'm going to find the shit out of that sword.
It's going to be very dangerous.
Good, pussy's hate danger and I'm not a pussy.
Give me that! Aw, yeah!
Time to get our quest on! Woo!
Okay. Maybe I was wrong.
This is pretty scary. Seriously?
Do you want to get Pink a sick present or not?
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Let's go. Aw, yeah.
Follow my lead. Crap.
There's guards. What do we do?
Cartwheel. Cartwheel?
Holy shit! Did you see that?
No. Me neither.
Shew.
Hey, you hiding behind those crates! Cartwheel, dude!
Where'd he go? Damn cartwheels every time.
Woo.
See, how would you have any fun without me?
Reading is fun. Your mom's fun.
Now let's find ourselves a boat. How about this one?
It's perfect.
Dude, let's just get on that one. No way!
Have you seen how awesome this thing is? The guns have guns.
This one's got boobs and beer. Red?
Boobs and beer!
I'm going to regret this.
Holt, bro.
This booze cruise is for college house dudes and dudettes only!
Oh, holy shit! You're that freshman 15 dude, dude.
Didn't you, like, nail 15 freshman chicks in, like, one night?
Naked party! Here we go!
Woo! Oh, shit!
That's, like, four! Fuck my life!
Oh, yeah.
That was back in my college years. Can't believe this, only 15.
Yes, bro. Yes!
That what I'm talking about! Dude, welcome aboard bro dude bro.
Keg's on the poop deck, babes on the port side.
Watch out for Neptune. Party foul!
Aw. Whoa!
Titties, here I come! Oh, wow.
That was away easy. Halt, bro!
This party train's sailing for Port Cool so consider yourself the third wheel.
Wait.
But I thought we were cool? You thought thinking was cool?
Dude?
What the hell? Sorry, dude!
Should have banged more freshmen chicks! How the fuck am I going to get to Japan?
Take your car, Stupid! Hey!
We only have room for one more pallet! Should we load the beer or the life vests?
Load the beer! No regrets!
Let's get this party started. Captain DJ, make that anchor drop.
And so Red and Blue took a booze cruise across the
ocean blue, but they were attacked by pirates and they were all beheaded!
Just kidding.
They all got sea scurvy and died out of their butts.
No. These are all lies.
Unfortunately, they made it to Japan. But pirates sounded pretty cool, right?
All right. Here's Japan.
Whoa! All right!
Dude, this place is so racist. Pay phone, bitches.
You ladies want to sumo wrestle? I'm gonna die here.
See ya, dudes! No regrets!
No regrets, dudes! Aw, so happy.
I am so angry!
I'm in danger of failing out of Ninja Video Game Academy.
I'm in love with him. Fuck you.
Why do the koi fish cr-cr-cry?
Why do the koi fish die, die, die? This place is too cartoony for me.
Why do the koi fish cry, cry, cry?
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, dead.
Oh, sick! Ramen.
This this some crunchy ass rice. Red, that's a bowl of tiny cell phones.
I've had a lot of painful poops, but this is gonna be a bad one.
Yeah. Good luck with that.
You need the directions? Oh yeah.
Wow. That would be great.
Thanks! Um.
We're trying to get to this restaurant. Do you know it?
Ha. He.
Are you okay?
What is wrong with her face?
Yeah.
You are extremely unhelpful.
Oh, my god.
All those animes were documentaries.
That sushi restaurant better be close. I'm hungry for some more cell phones.
Dude, I think we're here.
How are we going to know what the racoon's kid even looks like?
Please, have a seat. Guess he's not here.
Can I help you?
We... we've traveled a long way to find this village.
Do you know the raccoon? The raccoon?
I hate that guy. His voice sounds so stupid, right, guys?
Ha, ha, ha. Totally.
Eat your noodles. I don't want to eat my noodles!
I am Son Sun, son of Papa Sun, the one you
call the raccoon. What?
This is my wife, Wife Sun, and my son, Grand Son Sun.
Raccoon looks nothing like his family.
A family he abandoned when he dishonored
the mighty Japan with the Greatest Sword of Destiny.
It was too powerful for him and you will never find it!
Oh, this is some bullshit!
I want some god damn sushi!
I will cut the sushi after I cut you!
Wasabi! A spicy seaweed!
Miso!
Hot tea! Fuck you!
Ooh! Okay.
I will make you sushi.
Oh, thank Godzilla.
I think I like the cell phones better.
So the raccoon, Papa Sun, said that you'd know where to find the sword.
I swore an oath that I would never reveal
the location of the weapon so it may never fall into his hands again.
Oh, no. It's not for the raccoon.
It's for me. Well, that's fine.
It's just up at that mountain.
Nope.
Whoa! Red Sun, you're so fat.
I had a whole bowl of cell phones for lunch.
That explains it.
Oh, sick.
Damn, I bet they got hella swords in there.
Hey. Hey, why you no pay?
Mr. Makasan, you stop! Very dangerous!
You go no further! Sorry, man.
We're kind of getting our quest on. Yeah.
Don't worry about it, pussy.
Getting my quest on, singing the quest song.
Red! Dude, wait!
All the girls are like... - Who's that brave ass dude?
It's mother fucking Red in the Temple of Doom,
boulders, air, roach, snakes and spiders.
I'm not scared of anything, not even fire.
A creepy ass castle and a mountain mask, walking right inside and I'm kicking it's ass.
Aw, a splinter.
This place might be dangerous after all.
Whoa. There it is.
Man, that little panda was right.
My god. That's a bad one.
Evasive maneuvers.
It's just the hilt of the sword! The what of the sword?
It's just the handle! That sucks.
You think?
We came all this way for the god damn handle!
Man, this is a cool drawing. It's got, like, all three condiments.
You mean continents? Yeah.
There's squiggle, super squiggle and America.
Which one are we are now? We're on squiggle!
So there's two pieces left? I guess so.
I don't fucking know.
Oh, hey, guys. Sup?
We are the Tachigami Demon Army.
Our blades burn like fire and our fire stings like ice and
our ice is really fucking cold.
We are cursed to protect the Great Sword of Destiny from
anyone who seek to use its might power.
We don't want to use it.
I-, I just wanted a birthday present for my girlfriend.
Then we shall kill her too because she will have the sword.
Wait dude. Can't we talk about this?
The only thing we're going to talk about is, how that you're about to be!
Crack this! This party sucks!
Run for it! Seize their swords!
From our point of view, they are the villains, not us!
He's supposed to be rational from our side of the story!
Dude, that's just cra!
Stop running your mouth and start running your legs!
Why? Are the cops coming?
Yes.
This is all your fault!
I don't know why I ever let you talk me into this!
You shut up! The cops are coming!
They're not cops! They're demons!
Really?
Why do demons scare you less than cops? Demons don't have guns.
I should have never gone on this stupid quest.
I would have been better off getting her that bear trap.
You mean that sweet hat?
Red, come on!
Be very careful with that dynamite. It's going to the Explosion Factory.
Holy crap, we made it. And we're floating away!
What you talkin' about?
I mean, the tides are carrying us out to sea!
Aw, yea! Bermuda Triangle, here we come!
Well, what are we going to do? I don't know.
But hey, at least we got sushi.
See ya, Japan! You stink crazy!
Row boat trip! Woo!
Would you shut up?
I don't know if you've noticed or not, but we're in some deep shit.
I think it's called a rowboat. That isn't funny!
We're stuck in the middle of the ocean with only the hilt
of this stupid sword and now we're going to die out here and miss Pink's birthday!
I don't know why you're doing all this crazy stuff for her any way.
Who cares? She's just a girl!
Well, I love her, okay. That's why!
What does that mean?
Wait, you really don't know what love means?
Course you don't.
It's this feeling you get when you see someone.
Deep down inside of you your heart starts pumping and you just feel happy all over.
It's the strongest most wonderful feeling you can have for someone.
So you mean a boner? No!
Dude, I'm in love all day. You are such an idiot!
I wouldn't do all this for a boner.
I'd just go online and look up pictures of your mom.
Shut up!
I'm doing this because I think she's in love with me too.
No way, man. She likes me.
What? Yeah, dude.
She's always giving me those dirty looks. Because she hates you!
Red, not every girl in the world thinks you're cool, hot shit.
Yeah they do.
Why do you think I beat up all those bullies back in kindergarten?
To save my life. What?
No.
Dude, I was trying to impress all those chicks.
What?
Yeah, worked pretty good too.
You've beaten me up, embarrassed me, screwed my
ex-girlfriends, crapped in my bed, stolen my shit, eaten my
food and taken my money for years!
I stayed friends with you this whole time because for some
reason I actually thought you were my friend too!
Wow, you must feel pretty stupid. Fuck you!
You're such an asshole!
I can't believe you let me think we were actually friends!
Well maybe I'd be friends with you if you weren't such a god damn loser all the time!
I'm a loser?
I caught you masturbating to Animal Planet! That was one time!
You're just racist against elephants!
I can't believe I stuck by your side for 20 god damn years!
I'm not your friend anymore! Good!
I'm not yours! Great.
Awesome! Good.
I'm glad.
Hey, baby. This one's for you.
Oh, my god. Who is that?
Yea.
So, what are you doing after recess?
Holy shit. Red.
Red, are you dead? Naw, man.
Just tannin' my back. God damn it.
Where are we? We're in paradise, mon!
No, we're not! We're on a deserted island!
We should really sail to dinner island first.
No, deserted island... my god. Is there a burrito island?
That sounds way better. Oh, my god.
I'm actually going to die.
I'm going to die next to an asshole and I'll never see Pink's boobs again.
Yeah, and I'm getting real worried this place doesn't have internet.
Oh, shit. Maybe...
Oh, no. Where's my phone?
Wait, dude!
Didn't you eat a bowl full of tiny cell phones for lunch?
Oh. yeah!
Come on.
Nope. Dude.
It's not coming out.
Here, let me try. Not so hard, asshole.
How about this? Stop it.
Let me just to dial it with my butt muscles.
Yup, this is my nightmare.
It's ringing! I can't believe I'm doing this.
If you fart, I'll kill you. Careful, if I fart, I'll kill you.
Hello.
You've reached Global Rescue Services, ready to rescue you
wherever you are, especially if you're stuck on a deserted island.
Hello.
Can you hear me? Well, hello yourself baby.
You can rescue me anytime.
What are you wearing? What are you doing?
Oh, you know. Just bored at work.
I get off at 7 if you want to meet up at Burrito Island then.
Oh, my god!
I think I broke the phone.
Screw you! That is it!
Where are you going? Home.
You can finish this god damn quest on your own.
I knew you were a pussy!
This was the stupidest idea.
Stupid lame ass Blue. That sword is gonna be tight.
Gettin' my beach on, singing the beach song, hoping that a crab doesn't nibble my balls.
This place is paradise. The sun is so warm.
The water's so clear.
The sand, like diamonds beneath my feet.
The air smells sweet, like... smoke?
Red!
Red, what did you do? What?
Oh, that. You ruin everything!
It's not that bad. We're going to be burned alive!
What is that? King Kong!
Is-is that a plane? Bees!
Holy shit! It is a plane!
Sky demon! Ha, ha, ha.
Cheerio old chaps. Grab a hold!
Perfectly executed signal fire old chaps.
Spotted it a fort night away.
Still, damn shame you burned down Burrito Island.
That was Burrito Island? No!
Maybe it was Boobie Island. No!
Who are you?
You're flying with Captain Major Lieutenant Crookygrin,
Private First Class Retired.
You're a pilot? And an alcoholic.
1,000 flights, 1,000 crashes, perfect record.
Woop. Wa-Wa-whomp.
Trying to flip us over you old bitch. Did I mention I'm blind?
Alcohol blindness. Ha ha.
You and me both, brotha. Woo.
Ha ha ha.
What are you doing flying all the way out here?
On my way to Gay Paris.
I'm meeting an old friend from the war, Colonel Dingleberry.
Mr. Dingleberry?
He was a private when I knew him.
Haven't seen him since D-Day, or Dingle Day as he
liked to call it.
Ha ho.
We are on a top secret mission to stop two blokes from
finding the Great Sword of Destiny.
What two blokes?
The dossier said their names were, what
was it, Red and Blue.
Say, tell an old blind man your names.
Tom. And Tom.
Tom and Tom, not enough Toms in the world I've always said, by jove.
Jeff. For sure.
This mission's important to me lads, so important that I've quite drinking.
In fact, I think my alcohol blindness is being cured as we speak.
I-, I think I see a cloud and an eagle... bastard.
My god, the sun. Oh, shit.
He's gonna see us. What do we do?
Run away, man. Dude, we're screwed.
Maybe not. You thinking what I'm thinking?
Never.
We just get this guy sloshed and he'll be as blind as a pelican.
Pelicans aren't blind. Come on.
Here, Crooky a toast, for good luck. No.
I mustn't have a drop.
The fate of the queen depends on it.
Wouldn't be very proper to turn down a shot of English gin, would it?
Bitch, proper's my middle name. Woo-hoo!
Tally-ho!
See, I told you this was a bad idea! Whoa.
Dude, you're a lightweight. Balderdash!
I know that sound. Gentlemen, we're under attack.
Holy Crap. Are you serious?
Don't worry chaps. There's a 50-cal on the top turns.
One of you old boys be a sport and fend off those jerries for old pip, will you?
All right. You shoot the machine gun.
I'll keep the old guy flying the plane blind. That is the worst plan I've ever heard.
All right, fine. But in case I die, I still hate you.
I hope they shoot you in the face!
Seize their souls! Oh, shit!
Jet packed demon ninjas!
We've toasted to you, so now we got to toast to me.
Well, it's only customary. To Tom.
Who? Okay.
I got this.
Nice evasive maneuvers.
You'll leave my mother out of this, you twat.
To mothers. Everybody's got a mother.
Your mom's got a mother.
Oh, my god. I just puked.
Don't get cocky! Crooky.
No!
Hey, Red. What's your favorite animals?
I like the color green a lot, but also the bathroom because that's where you can barf.
Hey! Hey, I got the last one!
You guys see that? Of course, you didn't.
You guys see that?
Pull up! We're gonna crash!
Are you hungry? You got to pull up right now!
We're going to crash!
Everyone okay? I'm fine.
I... I'm dying. Oh, shit!
Oh, god.
Here. Take this.
What is it?
You two must finish my mission now.
Stop those bastards, Red and Blue, from finding the Great Sword of Destiny.
It's hidden on top La Toure Eiffel.
What? What does that mean?
I'm counting on you my dear Tom and Tom.
No, wait! What is La Tour Eiffel?
Another flight, another crash...
perfect record.
Now, tally-ho.
May the eagles carry you up to heaven.
That dude's gonna have a hangover tomorrow.
Woo-wee. Dude, wait!
Since it looks like we're stuck together, we may as well work together.
I mean, I guess it was pretty sharp shooting up there with
those ninjas, even though you barfed like a loser.
Shut up. Come on.
Let's go find that blade. Check please.
Ooh la la. Yeah.
I'm going to probe this waitress for information.
Wait, you're going to do what? Red, where are you going?
Pick up! Pick up!
Hey, it's Blue. Just text me.
No one listens to voice mails. Hey, Blue.
It's Pink.
Just calling you for the hundredth time. Wh-where have you been?
Mailbox full, you crazy. Damn it.
I'm going to cut you, fool! I'm going to cut you!
Sup, bitch. Hey, Stacy.
You haven't seen Red around have you?
Blue hasn't been answering his phone for, like, two days.
Who's Red? That guy you have sex with every day.
Which one? The one with the hat.
Oh, Steven. Sup, babe.
Ready for round trace? Never mind.
Red, when did you get that hat?
Sorry we couldn't meet again, old Crookygrin but I'm sure
I'll see you soon. I'm super old.
Are you sure it was Rouge and Blue? Oh, yup.
They went that away. Fantastic.
We will find them no matter what.
Comb the area and your mustaches, especially you, Jaque.
Oui.
Excellent work, Colonel Dingleberry.
The sword is safe thanks to you. You said I'd get a reward.
And you shall.
You'll be seeing your friend, Crookygrin,
sooner than you think!
Oh, shit. Should have seen that coming.
Yeah.
Let me show you how to French kiss.
Why don't you show me your toure felle instead?
Ha ha ha ha. What?
Red, what are you doing? Beat it, man.
Kind of having a private moment here.
Garson, there seems to be an asshole in our soup.
Dude, Tachigami and those ninjas could still be out there.
We've got to find La Tour Eiffel. Don't worry about him.
Why don't you es car go get us a bottle of wine?
Don't forget that bottle of wine! Seriously?
We don't have time for this? Have you seen this place?
There's wine and women everywhere! We're in paradise monsieur!
Nope, this is Paris and we got to find that stupid blade and get out of here.
Why are you always bossing everybody around?
What are you, the king of Europe?
I just don't have time for another interruption.
Rumors, rumors, in France it's called frommage.
It isn't a mirage. And it...
Bagette, bagette, it looks just like a duck!
You bake it in the oven and it smells just like a shit!
Because France's favorite meal is duck baby cheese power fuck.
Whoa. I swear, it's just like my son.
Dude, is that Lord Tourettes? Well hello!
Butt fuckers! Yeah, that's Lord Tourettes.
Dude, what are you doing in Paris? Playing the accordion.
But why are you in Paris? To play the accordion!
Garcon, I believe there's an accordion in our soup.
Garcon, I believe there is a man in our soup.
What are you two doing here? We're here to play the accordion too!
Really? No.
Wait, we're not? No.
We're trying to find something called La Tour Eiffel.
La Tour Eiffel?
You must mean, the Eiffel Tower! That's what it is?
Reg, is retarded! Spread out.
Find those assholes, Rouge and Blue. And kill them.
Get down.
I'm always getting down, down, down, down.
No one kills a mime in my town. Stop it.
Now the French police are trying to kill us too.
This quest sucks. Whose dumb idea was this?
Yours, numb nuts. Now shut up and hide.
Shit! Waiter.
Do you work here? We ordered crab legs.
Oh, why yes you did. They're right here.
Waiter, have you seen these two men? Our crab legs?
Yesh.
You food looks delicious.
Mama, the crap's legs won't come off.
You must first crack the shell. There you go.
Take a bite.
My, your food is cooked so fresh. It is still crying.
May I try a bite? Please, it is too much for us.
It is rather tender. It's our, most famous dish.
Ha ha. Men!
You must come over and try this crab.
Monsieur, we have finished our sweep.
Rouge and Blue are nowhere to be found.
Very well.
We'll return tonight for dinner and make sure you have plenty of crab.
Check the next restaurant.
Take me back to the ocean. Come on, dude.
Be quiet and we can get out of here.
Did that crab just fart?
Crabs do not have butt holes!
Don't let them eat me! Open fire!
Hurry, you got to get out of here! Get in!
I'm going to hot wire this. Shit!
Come on. Come on.
I'm not going to jail again! Ha ha ha ha!
Thank god!
Lord Tourettes, can you get us to the Eiffel Tower?
You bet your sweet ass! Now buckle the fuck up!
It's gonna be a bumpy ride!
Alert all units. Get me everything.
Freeze, Americans!
I'll be back!
Woo!
Get your umbrellas!
Take the wheel, bitch!
Ha.
Where are we going? Follow me.
I'll will guide you to the cock of Paris.
The what of what? Chases are great.
Red!
Gotcha.
Holy crap. I almost died.
You're welcome, mother fucker. Grab on!
There it is, the Tour Eiffel. Ha ha ha ha.
One fact, this tower was erected in 1889.
Gross.
Oh, crap. They got us surrounded!
Ha! You are surrounded!
Get off of our cock! You get off of my cock, dick!
How dare you! Be careful, he curses well.
LT, can you hold them off while we get the blade?
Leave it to me! Come on.
Oh, my god. I'm out of shape.
Dude, I'm like King Kong.
How about a little lullaby?
Go to sleep.
Let the tea with dreams of fresh baguettes.
Drink some wine my sweetheart.
I've got fucking ass sharts!
I am becoming very la sleepy.
Eat talking shit at the house.
Lullaby will make you sleep.
I said Tourettes, you're the fucking dick!
Now what? Stick it in.
You're such a creep.
Wow.
Two pieces down, one left to go. I wonder what that last piece is.
I hope it's a dragon. I really don't think it's a dragon.
Oh, splendid. You found it.
Yeah, but we're still missing that last piece.
Oh, wait... the letter. Damn it.
It's in French. I can read it.
It says, the last piece of the sword is...
Shh.
Gem.
It's a gem and it's hidden in ax... in a mountain behind your...
Home town. Fantastic.
Really? Yeah.
That's super convenient. Good f... f... luck you two.
I hope you find your destiny. Aw, man.
Thanks, Lord Tourettes. See ya.
Audios, little green man. Avior, mother fuckers!
Ho ho ho. Run!
Don't let them get away. They have defiled France's cock!
That sword will be mine!
And so, Red and Blue escaped from the Tachigami
Demon Army and the French police and took a long
convoluted map journey home to find the last piece of the
Great Sword of Destiny so Blue could get Pink a birthday present, or something.
I don't know. This movie's crazy.
Am I in your mind? Are you in mine?
I am never taking a plane, boat, submarine, turtle,
dragon, motorcycle, rocket, parachute, train, hand car again.
Yeah. I mean, probably not.
America. It's good to be back!
Okay.
According to LT, the gem of the sword is hidden in a mountain.
Are there any mountains around here? I never noticed that before.
'Sup, boys.
Stacy, I see two mountains right here. Oh, crap.
Not now. Dude, we don't have time for this.
Pssh, it can wait a little bit.
The gem hasn't gone anywhere for like a billion years.
Pink's birthday party is starting any minute.
I got to get there. No gem, no sword.
No sword, no present. No present, no Blue and Pink.
Relax! I'll just have a drink or two.
You never just have a drink or two! I promise, just a couple bottles.
We'll have that whatever it is in no time. Red!
Seriously, what the hell? We're so close!
Don't be such a stick in the butt, dude! We made it home!
It's party time, man! Hey, ladies!
I don't know why I ever trusted you! You never follow through on anything!
This the most important thing that's ever happened to me and you're bailing?
Dude, there's boobs in here. What am I supposed to do?
Be my friend! Sorry, bro.
This train's leaving for Waste-Face USA, population,
des hoes, des nuts and this bottle of Jack.
Get over here girl! Put your face on my sack!
Woo!
Red!
Dude, this party sucks. They've got free beer.
Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday.
Where's Blue?
Jesus.
That racoon's reward better be worth it. I don't need that jerk.
I can do this alone. This is for you, Pink.
I'm coming, baby. Time to get my quest on.
Begin at Big Montage!
Hey, What's going on? Oh, my god!
What the hell?
Oh, my god! The chip is out!
He thinks it's so cool! Isn't this cool?
Boss, that feels crazy.
I suppose we should be thankful, Blue Sun.
You led us straight to the Great Sword of Destiny.
And now, I am going to avenge every person who has died... ever!
Wait.
What about all those people who died of old age?
Them too!
That's a stupid plan! Now give me back that sword!
Hmp.
You're a stupid plan.
Throw the round head into the volcano!
I curse life. Red?
What are you doing here?
After I finished drinking all those girls and screwing all
that beer, I decided I should come back for my friend.
I must be dead. Blue Sun, the red one tells the truth.
You have a very good friend indeed. You were right, man.
For once, I got to finish what I started. Plus, that sword is pretty tight.
That's what I've been saying the whole time! So, you're back?
I'm back, dude. You?
You're back?
It's is time to finish what I started 10,000 years ago.
Are you still butt hurt about that little geisha you called a wife?
The only one who's about to be hurt is you.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
You really think you can defeat all of us?
And did you know I can go all night, baby?
I'm nocturnal.
We're in for a huge fight, aren't we? You know it!
Try to take some notes.
Yeah, right.
I didn't play all those video games for nothing.
New challenger appears... K.O. Flawless victory!
Finish him! Oh, my god.
This is actually working! Yeah, dude!
Keep doing it! Hadouken!
Brutality. Animality.
Bestiality! Gross.
You can't kill me!
You're just a stupid raccoon! You need better insults!
Father Son. Holy shit!
If you ever want to fight evil, you must keep your elbows straight.
Father, one day I want to go to America.
That is not a country yet.
You are Lord of Tachigami?
Did you ever wonder why we have the same last name?
Impossible!
Father Sun, why did you become so evil?
I had to avenge all the people who have died in the world.
But by killing people, aren't you creating more people you need to avenge?
Yes.
This way, I can do this sweet job forever!
You are evil.
And you kept your elbows straight.
Siya-nara, Father Sun.
Oh, shit. Nature's ninja.
Raccoon, you okay? I am so sad.
But you did it, man! You freakin' cut your dad's head off.
It is true. Tachigami is finally defeated.
Yeah, that hombre is muerte.
What is that?
Ocho Muerte.
Follow me!
Ooh fuck!
Holy shit! That's Ocho Muerte?
That is a big ass sushi!
Boys, your town is in grave danger. Oh, my god!
Pink! She's probably fine.
Okay. We should probably get down there.
Let's go! Quickly!
There is no time to lose!
Hey. Pink! Have you ever met my sister?
Happy birthday. Thanks.
I just wish Blue was here. Whatever, bitch.
Boys are overrated.
What the fuck is that? Wow!
This party's crazy. Oh, my boobs!
Blue? What's going on?
Sorry I'm late. It's a long story.
Just like my dick! Really, Red?
Ocho Muerte, go back from whence you came.
You can't kill the Tachigami that easily!
Father Sun, you are Ocho Muerte, too?
When you defeated me, I threw up your wife for eternity!
A Tachigami could never marry a geisha!
But Father Sun, I loved her!
Then how about a reunion?
Boys, it's up to you now.
Oh, oh, no! No!
Papa Sun!
Blue, help! Pink!
Dude, the sword!
Cartwheel, dude!
Blue!
No!
D-du-dude! It's slipping!
You can't pull me up with just one arm! But I'll drop the sword!
Do it or you'll drop me!
Sorry, dude. What?
No!
Red!
Did you just imagine dropping me? Maybe.
Fuck it. Red!
Stop imaging ways to kill me and pull me up!
Nah.
I thought we were actually friends this time.
We are.
Holy shit. Are you okay?
No way. You?
Nah. Hey, man.
I'm sorry I've been such an asshole. I've, never really had a friend before.
Really? Yeah.
It's all good, man. Just stop pooping in my bed, okay.
I never pooped in your bed. I've been pooping in my sleep?
Naw, I'm just messing with you. I poop in your bed, but I won't anymore.
Papa Sun?
Papa Sun! Raccoon, that you?
Raccoon.
I'm alive. Whoa.
We thought you were super dead. Seriously.
Not yet. Momma Sun?
Papa Sun.
I thought I lost you forever. No, my love.
Only for 10,000 years. I will never lose you again.
That's your wife? Yes.
I could not face my son after destroying Japan and I feared
the sword was lost forever.
Thanks to your bravery, it has been reconstructed and I could
now finally save my wife. Wait.
So this whole time we were actually risking our necks for you?
We got tricked!
I did trick you into finding the sword for me.
But what you found for yourself was friendship.
That's true. Lame!
Yeah. Yeah.
Pink. Blue!
Pink!
I was so worried about you. I thought you were dead.
You know I'd never miss your birthday party.
Young lovers, this sacred lotus flower has
kept our love strong for 10,000 years.
May it do the same for you.
Nintendo.
Blue, it's beautiful. I told you I'd get you something special.
I love you.
I love you too. I got a boner!
Good one.
Dude, aren't you glad you went on this quest?
Yeah, man. I told you I wasn't pussy.
Pssh.
I always knew we could pull it off. Really?
Well yeah, cuz we're awesome!
Oh my fucking god!
That shit was totally amazing!
Your brain can not even comprehend.
So much hand shooting excitement.
For the sake of your couch, I hope you're wearing Depends.
We learned so many things together.
Japan is weird and French people slime.
This film had 10 scenes of action and everyone together said fuck 21 times.
Yeah! Dick Figures!
You just watched a whole fucking movie of Dick Figures!
Dick Figures!
Bow before them and renounce your creepiest god.
Dick Figures!
Someone get a doctor because this movie's fucking totally sick!
You asked them, they delivered!
If you don't like Dick Figures it's not hard to figure out you're a dick.
I counted 10 fucking explosions and jet-packed
demon ninjas that rocked your face.
Your life was a hot pile of garbage.
Now you're so excited that you're nutting all over the place!
One of those explosions was an octopus.
Sorry for the spoiler, but it's your fault.
That'll teach you to listen to the sound track before you watch the movie.
I mean, for god's sake who does that? You stupid piece of...
Dick Figures! Dick Figures!
Saved the world, what do you think about Dick Figures!
Dick Figures! You just watched it.
You're lazy and fat. Dick Figures!
You love them with all of your stupid heart and also part of your junk.
You asked them, they delivered.
A movie so great it made your junk explode.
Whoops. Our bad.
Sorry about your junk.
Just kidding! Fuck you!
Dick Figures.
That shit was crazy! Yeah.