Eh, my name is Charlie McCarthy, what's yours?
- Vicky. - Oh, it's cute.
- Charlie? - Oh, Vicky, Mr. Bergen. Bergen, Vicky.
- How do you do. - How do you do.
You know ventriloquism's always fascinated me.- It has? - Hm!
Well, I'll be glad to explain it to you.
I'd love to know, but, really I must run...
Oh, please stay. It'll just take a minute.
Here, all right. Well, ventriloquism...
It starts here, goes up here.
- And it comes out here. - It comes out there.
Tell me how do you talk without moving your lips?
Eh... it's... well...
May I have your hand?
Now you can feel the muscles contract
in my vocal chords.
- Vocal chords? - Yes... oh, yes.
- Yes. - Like this.
You're lovely. Did that come out of me?
I'm a little confused... you're talking.
Can you throw your voice just anywhere?
Oh, certainly! Yes.
Won't you sit down?
♪
♪ You don't get those years back
♪ Time you wasted sleeping late.
♪ Was it wise to throw out your direction?
♪ Before you knew your way?
♪ You don't get your seat back
♪ You got up and lost your place
♪ You should learn 'bout leaving in the middle
♪ Now you're lost in space.
♪ La-la la, la-la la ...&c...
Finally movin' out, huh?
I wish!
Shut up.
♪ You don't get your dreams back
♪ Once you've let them get away.
♪ Late-night plans are always disappearing.
♪ In the light of day.
♪ You don't get those years back
♪ You don't get those years.
Hello.
C-can't you speak?
Should I put you back in your case?
OK, I'm gonna put you back in your box.- No!
So, you can speak.
Why aren't you speaking?
You're the worst vetriloquist I've ever seen!
It's my first time working with a dummy.
Who are you calling a dummy?
Oh, sorry.
Let me ask you something.
What?
Come here.
Are you a retard?
No!
I mean... some people might think that.
You can count me in.
That's not very nice.
Boo-hoo!
I made blintzes!
What is that? Oh, very strange, Steven.
Do you want a cheese blintz?
No.
Ah... Lou, come here look at this.
Mom!
Oh, great!
Just what we need, another mouth to feed.
Wha? What's happening? Can I...?
OK, Steven.
You're such a loser!
And in the book it says
we should get to know each other, a bit.
I think we should have a very,
y'know, open relationship.
- Shut up! - OK.
Steven, I'm making pancakes!
Not at the table, Lou!
Why not?
- Morning! - I was hoping you were Steven.
How do you feel, honey?
I'm nauseated and my neck is killing me.
You're probably just depressed, dear.
- Mom, can I have the car today? - STEVEN!!
You think we could not yell today, please?
I'm starting the S.S. Paulina.
The Krauts tried to sink'er 3 times.
- Couldn't do it. - That's great, dad.
- Mom please... - The pancakes are gonna be cold.
Those aren't even pancakes, they're blintzes.
Well what do you think pancakes are?
Your mother manages to make everything look like a blintz.
Good morning!
- Can I have the car today? - We'll see.
I'm quitting my job.
It's really important. You know the Freed wedding.
- OK honey, we'll see. - What do you mean “we'll see“?
- Can I have the car or not? - Fern, it's a yes or no question, alright?
- Thank you! - I'm quitting my job.
I have errands to run.
Well, I only need it for an hour and a half.
Tell you what, I'll have it back by 3 o'clock.
OK, dear.
Is that OK, yes I can have the car or OK, no I can't?
Oh my God...
Your fiancé spent the night in jail.
What?
Right here, in the Police Report.
Drunk and disorderly, that's my boy!
Let's see that.
Well, serves him right. Hope you rot there. Fucking loser!
Heidi!
That loser was almost your husband.
Why can't you get it into your head he's a psycohpath?
I'm sure he is.
But he is also a very successful accountant.
Have a good day at work, honey.
Come in.
Who's out there?
Hi, Mrs. Gurkel. It's me, Steven.
Yeah, whadda-you want?
Fangora home?
Who?
Fanny.
Where are you going?
- I'm going out! - You just went out!
Mom, that's what people do.
They come home, they go out. It's crazy, I know.
You gotta come back and get my prescription. - Yeah, yeah.
- You gotta get my prescription! - I'll get your prescription!
You are stupid! You are so stupid!
Every time I leave the house! This is bullshit!
Now do you see why I'm so fucked up?
I can see it, sure.
OK, I got you something.
Oh no. You shouldn't have.
You can open it.
- Open it! - All right.
- D'you like it? - Oh!
Yeah, I love it.
Great, I lifted it from Borders.
You shouldn't have done that.
Steven, you're worth it.
OK, what are you doing on the 4th?
I dunno.
'Cause I just ordered some kickass fireworks.
Like, even the Chinks are scared of this shit!
You got balls, Steven.
Most people stay in their nowhere jobs till they die,
but you; you fucking know what you want and you're going after it.
That takes a big set of iron balls.
We're gonna kick ass, man, I can feel it,
Y'know, both of us.
You're gonna the famous dummy guy
-I'm gonna kick ass with my band. - Ventriloquist.
Dude, this is gonna be our year, I can feel it.
You can fuck me if I'm wrong.
Well, that's OK.
I'm glad things are going good with the band, though. - Pfft!
The band sucks, man.
But we're gonna get a gig, if I gotta kill someone.
I'm telling you, Steven,
both of us are finally gonna kick some Goddamn ass!
- Gurkel? - Yeah!
♪ [PUNK ROCK]
♪ Slut!
♪ Go through the door. Yo slut!
♪ Don't be so bad, girl.
♪ Yo Slut!
♪ .. do what you can, girl!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Waaait!!
Dude, I dunno,
Can you do like...
like a wrreeww wrreeww!
You know, like in the chorus "Yo, slut". Wrreeww!!
The way I like to work, I do a lot of visualization.
So, I'd like to start off,
maybe, close your eyes.
Just relax. Just breathe, in and out.
Now, I want you to imagine the day of your wedding...
and there are all your loved ones, there...
and your new husband's, there...
and you can hear the music...
Tell me what kinda music you hear?
It's that stuff they play on "Fiddler on the Roof".
- Klezmer music? - Yes! Yes, that's it. I love it.
OK, great, Klezmer music!
Wonderful. Wonderful.
An unusual choice, but, yet a good one.
OK, let's keep going.
[♪ KLEZMER ]
This guy went to Jerk school, I didn't do nuttin' wrong it wasn't my fault!
I never called in, sick.
Forget about taking a vacation.
I worked overtime like crazy. All I did was work, for this guy.
I was the hardest working guy there. That's all I did!
And the name of this last employer?
Big Al's Italian Beef.
The reason your job was terminated?
Oh, that would be for frottaging.
And your last place of employment?
The Brickhouse Theatre. A production of "Hedda Gabler."
It was brilliant.
That's when you rub up against
a stranger or a co-worker, in a sexual way.
Was that this year or last year?
It was 1972.
I worked for Donnelly Electronics.
Were you fired or laid off?
What's the difference?
Well, it has to do with
whether or not your former employer can contest the claim,
a lay off just means you were terminated
through no fault of your own.
If you were in my shoes, wouldn't you fire yourself?
Well, I guess I was fired. Technically, I was fired.
OK, and...
is electronics your field?
I don't think so.
I don't think...
Donnelly, really, has anything to do with electronics.
I don't really know what they do. I know they sell stuff, but...
OK, so...
you would describe yourself, as in... sales?
OK.
And are you hoping to find work in a similar field?
Ah, no.
OK.
Oh, um, do you have any vocational training
that could assist our job search?
Ummm...
Any technical training?
Ummm...
What kind of work are you looking for?
Um... ventriloquism.
Excuse me?
Ventriloquism.
- V-E-N... - No, no...
It's OK, I know how to spell it.
Oh... right.
OK.
For now, just be sure that you register
your unemployment claim every 2 weeks
on your assigned day.
Meanwhile, I'm gonna put your name on a list of
entertainers and maybe we can help find you some work.
Do you have any questions?
OK.
Well, If you have any questions,
you can just give me a call at this number.
My name is Lorena.
U-huh!
You're all set.
What? Oh!
[ EROTIC SIGHS ]
Lou, you want a tuna sandwich?
Do I have a choice?
Steven, you want a tunafish sandwich?
Could you hold on for one second, please?
I'm on the phone!
You hungry?
I'm on the phone.
Oh, OK, do you want a sandwich?
No.
Oh.
OK, fine.
(OK)
Why are you paying attention to me, right now?... Hm?
It's the movement of my head, my eyes and my body.
Now, watch as I transit focus to Eugene.
As you can see, Alan is now transiting focus,
by transfering the kinetic energy of his eyes and his body, into me.
- Isn't that correct, Alan? - That's right, Eugene.
And now, thanks to Eugene's line of vision...
Can we try coming to class on time, folks?
Yeah, the class starts at 8 o'clock. - Right.
Well, let's do a few minutes of transiting focus, now.
[ ♪ ]
- Steven. - Michael!
- What are you doing? - I need to talk to you.
- What is it? - It's about Heidi.
Well, maybe you should talk to her.
You know, she won't talk to me.
Is she seeing anyone?
OK, don't answer that. Wait.
Let me ask you this.
Does she, at all, talk about me?
No. I mean, yeah, every once in a while.
Really?
Listen Steve, I want you to know something.
I have changed, so much.
I mean, I'm, like, a different person.
My drinking is completely under control.
I've been seeing a shrink about my temper.
I mean, if she could only see what I've become.
I'm also in a play.
Yeah, it's community theater, but...
it's a fantastic opportunity for me to express myself.
Michael, I really have to go.
Oh no Steve, Steve, I need you.
You're the only one, I feel like, I can trust.
Will you just tell her, you ran into me.
A random encounter. And that I look great.
Just tell her you saw me, and:
"Michael looks great. He seems happy.
"It's as if he's completely changed,
"just turned himself around."
Will you do that for me?
Please, you've no idea how much this means to me.
- I dunno. - Oh Steven...
I beg of you, I beseech you!
Please, just say that to her.
Just tell her you saw me, a chance encounter
and that I'm doing great. Please!
OK, I'll talk to her in the morning, all right?
You won't regret this.
- OK, all right. - Good night.
- Oh, hey!
Here... this is a flyer for the play.
I'll try to get you comps, but I can't promise.
[HEIDI] ♪ And on that day that belongs to me,
♪ I'll have the man that belongs to me,
♪ to share the door and the floor,
♪ and the bed and the chair, and my own morning.
- Do you want French toast? - No. - You sure?
- I'll have some. - Hello...
I don't wanna make it if no one's gonna eat it.
- I'll eat it. - You don't need it, Heidi.
- What does that mean? - Nothing, nothing.
I just know what happens when you're depressed.
Mother, I'm not depressed. Are you telling me that I'm fat?
No, not at all!
I'm just trying to keep you from getting fat.
I know, when I'm depressed, I tend to put on a few pounds.
Mother, stop telling me that I'm depressed!
Besides, I don't want your French toast,
I don't need your French toast.
I've got a wedding to plan.
I sure wish this were your wedding you were planning.
Do you know our high school reunion's coming up?
Ten years.
Do you know how depressing that is?
Do you think I don't wanna, fuckin', slash my...
wrists when I think about that? Goddamit!
It's, like, you finish high school, and then what?
I'm supposed to be in New York City,
selling out CBGB's.
What the fuck are we still doing here?
I just wanna make something happen with my music, you know?
You will.
Oh, that's my employment councillor. - Huh?
- My employment councillor. - Who, her?
Please don't point.
I wouldn't point. - Hey!
You got the hots for her?
No! ... I dunno.
Dude, she's got a kid!
Maybe, she's baby-sitting.
Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry.
There's no smoking, here.
So, how did you lose your last job?
Oh, man, I haven't had a job in, like, 15 years.
So, you've been unemployed all this time?
Dude, that's exactly my point, that's why I'm here!
OK. Um...
- Miss Gurkel, to get... - Fangora.
Fangora.
To get unemployment...
- you have to have had a job in the last 18 months. - What?
Yeah. The benefits are for people who have worked at least 6 months. So...
I'm afraid that you're not eligible.
Wait a second. I'm unemployed.
Oh yes. I know.
All right, let me get this straight:
to collect unemployment, I gotta get a job,
I gotta work for 6 months,
then, I gotta get fired, then, I can get my money?
Well, I guess, if you put it that way, yes.
Man, that's bullshit!
Maybe I should just get married,
find a guy with a lotta money, you know what I mean?
- That's one option. - You know what I mean.
I mean, you're married, right?
Me? No, I'm not married.
- You sure? - Yeah.
'Cause you seem like you might be married.
You know, you seem like the family type. So, what, are you just engaged? - No.
- Got a boyfriend? - No.
Dating anyone, or just sleeping around?
- No. - Divorced?
No, I've never been married.
(Bushwhack)
Excuse me?
She's a dyke.
I can't believe you went there.
Hey, I didn't just do it for you.
I wanted in on some of that unemployment cash, you know?
I'm broke.
Yeah, but, you didn't mention my name, did you?
Hell, no!
Look, don't worry, alright! She didn't suspect anything.
And what about the little girl?
Look... in the worst case scenario,
it's her kid. At least we know she puts out.
Listen you've gotta get one of these!
- What is it? - I love these things! - What?
It's a fucking swing.
I grew up on one of these things.
My mom used to leave me sitting in here for days.
- I don't need that, really. - Oh, shit!
[STEVEN] How do you like your new clothes?
[DUMMY] I feel like an altar boy.
Oh, I think you look really nice.
You know, we have a lot of work to do.
You mean, you have a lot of work to do.
Nuttin' wrong with me, you're the one who sucks.
Well, maybe you can help me.
I'm not sure there is any help for you.
Look, I wanted to be a ventriloquist my whole life.
You're gonna help me and not be so critical.
Is that a threat?
Who's the mothball?
Shh, it's my grandma.
Is, or was?
Grandma's my favorite person.
Yeah, that's 'cause she's the sanest one in this funny farm.
I guess I didn't really have that many friends in high school.
I didn't really have any.
What about Fangora?
Yeah, I guess we were friends.
You know, she didn't have many friends, either.
Go figure!
We kinda stayed close, even when I went off to college.
You went to college?
Yeah. Went to community college for two years.
Ooh, what a regular Einstein!
Whatever. I stopped going 'cause I didn't really like it.
You failed out of community college? You are a moron!
I didn't fail, I just...
needed to work at my own speed.
Oh, so you're slow.
No.
Look, the thing I don't understand is...
You always knew you wanted to be a ventriloquist,
why'd you wait so long to do it?
Well I think people need to go at their own pace,
there were other things that I had to do.
Well, I got news for you, buddy
you're almost 30 years old.
You quit your job to buy a doll.
You failed out of community college.
And you live at home with your parents.
You are a loser.
♪ Pam!
♪ pada pada pumpum...
Hey!
You look like you need a ride.
Thanks.
How's it goin'?
Hey, I'm actually going to your place!
Oh, great.
How's it goin'?
Great! I have a huge wedding, coming up.
I thought you broke it off.
Not mine. I'm planning one, for someone else.
Hm, that's nice of you.
It's not a charity, it's a business.
So what about the singing, huh?
What are you doing with your singing?
Yeah, what about it?
Well, I mean you got a great voice.
Are you doing anything with it?
What am I supposed to do?
You can't spend your whole life singing, you know. It's not very realistic.
Man, that's bullshit! What do you think I'm doing?
You're just like Steven.
What's that supposed to mean?
Well, he's always selling himself short too.
[STEVEN] What do you think I should call you?
Listen, don't call me, I'll call you.
[STEVEN] I have to call you something, how about Bob?
Bob? ... Bob.
- So, like, what do you do? - I do everything.
I'm the wedding planner! I plan things.
You know like I do all the hiring.
I hire the caterer, the flowerist, the...
I hire the band.
- The band? - Yeah. - What kinda band?
I'm trying to find a Klezmer band.
Ahem! ♪ She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes
What are you saying, you have a Klezmer band?
Oh, hell yeah! I mean, we play other stuff too,
but we specialize in the Klezmer shit.
You're kidding, that's amazing!
Wow, I didn't even know you were Jewish!
You know, this could be very beneficial to the both of us. - Why?
Because every Klezmer band in town is booked,
and I desperately need a band.
But if I hire you,
you have to be willing to 'hora'? Is that a problem?
Oh, man, at this point I'd fuck anyone.
♪ She'll be coming round the mountain
♪ She'll be coming round the mountain...
♪ when she comes
Yeah, yeah!
Try it again?
- Steven. - Hi.
How's it goin'?
Um, I dunno, could be better.
I think I need to take another class, or something.
I got the fireworks.
Listen, can you do me a favor?
My mom'll kill me if she finds them.
They're really fuckin' dangerous.
Think I can keep them here?
Sure.
[HEIDI] Hey, Steven, telephone.
It's a girl.
- Hello? - Hi, Steven?
This is Lorena from the unemployment office. Remember me?
Hello?
Ah... yeah...
Hey, how's your ventriloquist act coming?
Ah... good, good.
Great. Listen, I'm just calling to tell you
that we've got a response from a theatrical agent
who's very interested in meeting with you.
[FANGORA] Steven you drive like my fucking grandma.
But you know what?
That's actually an insult because my grandma drives better than you do.
- Steven! - All right!
All right, now you've gotta ask her out.
No.
Steven, she's calling you at home.
She's my employment counselor. I mean...
isn't that a conflict of interest?
Bullshit!
OK, you always do this, you chicken out.
You know you got balls, Steven, you gotta use'em!
And dude, get some new glasses!
I'm telling you something
you're gonna ask the bitch out.
I'll think of something. Just trust me.
What, the fuck, is klezmer music?
[♪ Le Cygne - Camille Saint-Saëns]
[MAN] Don't keep asking me.
No, I'm just not gonna be home tonight.
I'll get a sandwich.
I dunno what kind of sandwich. Yeah, I'll eat it in the car.
I'll eat the goddamn sandwich in the car.
Yeah.
No, no.
Yeah, ma...
Yeah. Yeah.
Don't keep asking.
[DUMMY]- Steven? [STEVEN]- Yeah?
[D] Where am I?
[S] You're in an agent's office, so ...
I want you to behave yourself, OK?
OK. What kinda agent?
He's a talent agent.
Oh!
What are you doing here?
- He's funny. - I wasn't joking.
What's eating you, termites?
Hey, let's show'em how smart you are, shall we?
Um... What shape are my cufflinks?
You idiot, you're supposed to say "what shape is the world?"
- Sorry. - You're ruining my act.
What shape is the world?
Oh, god!
[♪ KLEZMER]
[♪ ]
[STEVEN] How do know where she lives?
[FANGORA] I lifted her license from her purse. - You what?
[F] I put it back, don't worry.
Yeah, but...
Steven, listen to me. No offense, but you
don't know shit about women. Sorry, but you don't.
You wanna get this girl you gotta trust me.
You don't get a girl by sitting on your ass, you gotta take action.
[ST] Yeah but, isn't this stalking? - Steven!...
C'mon.
- Ow! - Shut up!
Now, do exactly as I do.
Oh?
- What the fuck! - Ouch!
- Goddamit, Jesus, get up! - My glasses!
Can't I just leave the flowers?
C'mon, we're not doing this half assed!
- Yeah but, isn't it vandalism? - Bullshit!
It's water soluble, alright? It washes right off!
Jesus Christ, man, just hurry!
Can I use the car today?
Heidi, I have electrolysis at 10:30.
Fern, where is my glue? Huh?
Can I drop you off and then pick you up?
[LOU] Where the hell is my glue? - Where did you leave it, dear?
- That's what I'm asking you, dear! - Well, I don't know, honey.
Damn! A brand new tube!
Steven?
Gross!... You look like a child molester.
Steven?
Can I borrow your car? Mummy's being a total bitch.
- Sure. - Really?
Thanks!
"Glass Menagerie" starring Michael Fulliker?
What is this? What is...? Is this a joke?
Your stalker gave it to him.
Quit kidding around, Steven. What is he talking about?
Yeah, I-I ran into Michael the other night. Chance encounter.
I think he misses you. - Ahah!
Yeah, he misses your loving arms.
You shut up! I'm talking to my brother!
Now, what happened?
- He looked great. - What?!
Yeah he wants me to tell you he looks great.
And that he's really got his shit together.
- Ahah, and what else? - Um, he's seeing a shrink.
Michael is seeing a shrink?!
And doing community theatre.
I... you...
Well, where'd you see him?
In the driveway.
Here? H-he came here?
- I guess. - I don't believe this!
So, what, he's stalking me, now?
- No, I don't think so. - He's stalking me!
I should call the police. That's what I should do.
No, I don't think it's...
You didn't tell him anything about me, did you?
No, wait a minute, you should.
You should, you should tell him that I'm seeing somebody.
You should tell him that I'm seeing somebody else.
Ah... a lawyer.
Yeah, that's it, you tell him,
you tell him that I'm dating an attorney.
Because that'll kill him, because he's only an accountant.
You tell him... you tell him how happy I am,
with my attorney.
Listen Steven, the police are here to see you.
Steven?
Yeah?
We got a complaint from a Lorena Pancetti.
Did you visit her house, last night between the hours of 11:PM and 3:AM?
Yeah.
You wanna tell us what you were doing there?
Why?
Listen pal, she did not appreciate the romantic gestures.
Oh!
Go, go!
- W-was she upset? - Upset?!
Upset enough to call the police! What the hell did you do?
Oh, I knew it was a bad idea.
Y'know, I can call her right now and apologise.
I wouldn't do that if I were you, I'd have to arrest you.
What is this?
It's a temporary restraining order.
What?
Look Steve, you seem like a nice kid.
Now I'm sure you're not a psycho, but evidently she thinks you are, so...
for your own sake, just stay away from her, OK?
You sniffing my airplane glue, too?
[FANGORA] How was I supposed to know that she's some prissy little suburban bitch...
[WOMAN] Do you mind keeping the cursing down? We got kids, in here.
[FANGORA] Oh, sorry.
[STEVEN] It was a bad idea, Fanny.
I put my ass on the line for you, man.
I tried to help you.
You always do this. You ruin everything.
No, fuck you!
No, Fanny.
The name's Fangora, and fuck you!
[ ♪ ]
I don't give a shit, all right!
You heard me, you stupid, fucking suburbanites!
Stick that in your fucking assholes!
♪ It's all I can do to refrain from screaming.
Shit!
♪ Weeks ago,
♪ Or yesterday. Fucking suburbanites! Shit!
♪ When did I stop caring when you were dreaming?
♪ This used to be my favorite place
♪ Now I'm wishing I was down plain
♪ You used to have my favorite face
♪ Now I'm thinking I could use a change
♪ On again, off again.
♪ After my honesty just there waiting
♪ The colors run,
♪ The clothes shrink down.
♪ We have no words but we'll all start fading.
[STEVEN] Fangora really got me in a mess.
Bullshit!
Who told you to listen to her?
Well, she can be very pushy, you know?
Listen Steven, there's no one to blame, but youself.
You're an idiot, I mean, how stupid could you be?
Well, now I've blown it with this girl.
Aw, boo-hoo!
You gonna let a little restraining order stop you?
Well, what am I supposed to do?
[whispers]
♪ And you can't expect me to stay here.
♪ And I don't wanna flow if it's no.
♪ And I don't believe it's right.
♪ But I know it didn't happen overnight.
♪ It's 2:AM I'm next to you...
We're gonna fix this mess, right?
[STEVEN] Personally I just... I wanted to send you a thank you note.
But y'know, my friend, she insisted that I...
I do something more dramatic.
[FANGORA] Fuck!
[STEVEN] And the truth is that I'm...
I don't have as much experience with this kinda thing and I, y'know...
Because she's a girl and everything I thought that, y'know, she would know.
[DUMMY] What he's trying to say is, that his heart was in the right place
it's just his execution that was off.
I only wish his execution, was back on.
[STEVEN] Please, I'm trying to apologize for my stupidity, OK?
Oh. Sit back folks, this may take a while.
[STEVEN] So... really, I just wanted to apologize for
I mean, I wanted to thank you, first of all for getting me an agent,
because I have my first job, tomorrow and...
y'know, that's really nice of you, so, thank you for that and...
y'know, I didn't mean to do anything
that would result in a restraining order.
I'm sorry if I scared you.
I wish I didn't do it actually because I
I was really hoping that maybe we could get together for coffee, or something
because I though you were really nice and...
um... y'know, I don't meet that many people who are nice to me.
Umm... Sorry... Bye...
Is that OK?
[ ♪ INTRO: SHEYN VI DI LEVONE ] [YIDDISH]
♪ Sheyn vi di levone, [Beautiful as the moon]
♪ Likhtik vi di shtern, [Radiant as the stars]
♪ Fun himl a matone, [A gift from heaven]
- FANNY! - VAS ZHE VILSTU?
♪ Bistu mir tzugeshikt! [You were sent to me]
♪ mayn glik hob ikh gevunen, - IT'S TIME! - Oy Gottenyu!
VART A MINUT, MAMELE!
♪ Ven ikh hob dikh gefunen, [I won a fortune, When I found you]
♪ Sheyn vi toyznt zunen [Beautiful as a thousand suns]
♪ hot mayn hartz baglikt. [You have gladdened my heart]
Are you a good girl, Fanny?
[FANGORA] Yeah mom, good girl.
Oh, yeah, that feels really good!
You gotta stay pure, Fanny.
Stay pure till you're married.
I will, mom.
[♪ ]
♪ Likhtik vi di shtern,
♪ Bistu mir tzugeshikt! [You were sent to me]
- Steven? - Yeah?
Do something about the glasses.
- Hi. - Hi.
- No, sit down.
- Sit down. - Thanks.
- Ah, look who's here! - Hiya, toots.
- Her name's Lorena. - Oh, Lorena.
- What's your name? - I don't have one.
What? How can you not have a name?
'Cause this dummy forgot to give one.
- He did? - That's not true.
He just didn't like the ones I suggested.
Woody! Woody! He wanted to call me Woody.
Woody's what you call an er...
Stop that, OK? Be polite.
So, you always meet your stalkers for coffee?
Very funny! Very funny.
'Bonjour' welcome to 'le Bagel' may I take your order?
Ahm... I'll have a cappuccino.
OK, and you?
- I'll just have a cup of coffee. - I'll take an espresso.
- No, you're too young for coffee. - Aw, c'mon! I wanna coffee.
- Shh! - What, have you got a slow leak?
[STEVEN] One coffee, OK? [DUMMY] Two.
- One - Two.
[STEVEN] One coffee, thanks.
I'm sorry for... reporting you to the police.
Oh, it's OK, I understand.
It's just that...
my last relationship left me a bit shellshocked.
He turned out to be a creep and a real stalker, so,
you can understand when I saw your little thank you note
I got a little bit freaked out.
I'm sorry.
I mean, I should've known better, but...
I don't know much when it comes to girls...
He ain't lyin'.
I don't believe it, you seemed so confident on the video.
That was all me, toots.
I think it's great that you live with your folks.
You don't think it's suspicious?
What do you mean?
You know, a guy my age, living at home?
No. People used to live at home with their parents all the time.
Until they were married.
How come you're not married?
Oh... Is that a stupid question?
I was engaged...
and we were planning a wedding when...
when I got pregnant.
And um...
y'know we were so young we didn't know what to do.
W-we kinda took it as a sign and decided to go to City Hall, that week.
It was a Friday.
And um...
we were standing outside the judges' chambers
waiting to go in, when we realized that we didn't have any rings.
So, he went across the street to the drugstore to get
those little rings with the candies on them
and...
a half hour had passed and...
so, I went down to see what was keeping him and...
I saw the police cars
and the ambulance. I knew...
He had bought the rings and
he was coming back across the street...
Oh, I'm sorry. Gosh!
No, it's OK, it's OK.
I-I always look both ways when I cross the street.
Well...
I guess this is good night.
Would you like to come over to my house for dinner on Friday?
Are you asking me out on a date?
Well, if dinner with my parents is a date...!
You're not gonna wear that cologne, are you?
Well, it's eau de toilette.
Smells like something in the toilet.
You really need to be more supportive.
- I'm very nervous tonight. - Watch my hair.
Steven, are you trying to scare her away?
[DUMMY] Oh-oh, relationship advice from the girl left at the altar.
[HEIDI] Oh, screw you! - Hey! - Heidi!
[HEIDI] Well, first of all I was not left at the altar. God, I can't stand this place!
[FERN] Must be your lady friend.
Yes, can I help you?
Hi, I'm Lorena. This is Bonnie.
I'm sorry, we're in the middle of dinner.
And we're Jewish.
I-I'm Steven's friend.
Oh! Oh, I thought you were Jehova's Witnesses.
Come in, come in, please!
- Hi. - Hi.
Hey, you didn't tell me it was a double date.
I hope you don't mind,
my baby-sitter cancelled on me, at the last minute, so...
Oh no no, that's perfectly fine!
- Here why don't you come and sit down. - Thank you.
I'll get another place setting.
You sit here, sweety.
That's a good girl.
- Put your purse right here. - Thank you.
Steven, why don't you introduce your friend?
Um... this is Lorena.
- Hi. - This is Bonnie.
Hi Bonnie, Lorena...
I'm Steven's father, Lou. How are you? - Hi.
- I'm sure you remember me. - Yes, how can I forget?
- Hi, I'm Heidi. - Pleased to meet you, hi.
I'm Lorena.
[FERN] Oh, Grandma doesn't say much,
but she knows. She knows what's going on.
- Bon, say hello? - Hi.
[FERN] Ah, she's adorable! Would you like
- a glass of wine, 'Lenora'? - 'Lorena'. I'd love one.
How about you, Bonnie? A nice glass of milk?
Ma!
You know you can't eat solids.
Besides, I have a delicious glass of brisket for you.
[LOU] Ah, Fern?
Are you sure that stuff's still good?
Why wouldn't it be? It's been in the fridge.
That was from my retirement dinner.
- So? - It was a year ago.
Wine keeps, dear.
Here you go, 'Lena'.
- I thought her name was 'Lenora'. - It's 'Lorena'.
It's OK, thanks.
- Anyway... Cheers. - [FERN] Oh, yeah!
Mm!
You see?... It's good isn't it?
Mm!
So, Bonnie...
I'm glad to have someone my size to talk to.
Your lips are moving.
So... why don't you tell us how you two met?
Well, I-I work at the unemployment office.
Oh, how ironic!
Maybe you can get him a job, eh?
And Bonnie is your little sister?
Uh no, Bonnie is my daughter.
Oh!
- You're married? - No.
Uh... do you like brisket, Lorena?
Yes.
Steven, do you mind, that thing is really giving me the creeps.
- Steven. - What?
Maybe it's time to put the dummy away, alright?
He can do what he wants, he's a grown man.
He's a grown man?! He's sitting there with a doll in his lap.
- Lou, you play with toy ships. - They're not toys!
They're scale models of famous battleships;
a hobby I picked up when I retired, it's very interesting.
So you should be more sympathetic!
So, 'Leah', what are you, divorced?
OK, let's change the subject, shall we?
- No, I'm not. - Heidi was engaged.
Hmph! Mom!
Well sweetheart, you were.
They were going to do it, this spring.
Oh, what happened?
Nothing, he just turned out to be a lunatic.
So, Lorena...
are you Jewish?
- Mother! - Just a question.
- No, I'm not, I'm Italian. - Oh, well! Same thing.
So...
Bonnie is your daughter.
Yup.
What's your name?
You know, I've been asking the same question.
I don't have one.
So what do they do? They just call you dummy?
Please, please, that's derogatory!
We prefer to be called "people of wood".
That's cute. Isn't that cute, Heidi?
Yeah, and it's not at all scary.
Heidi has been a little depressed, lately.
- I'm not depressed, I'm fine! - Hey, c'mon, no yelling.
Well why are you always saying that I'm depressed?
You know how infuriating that is?
Sorry, Lorena. She hasn't been the same,
since she broke off the engagement.
Why are you apologizing to her?
She's an unwed mother!
Well, better an unwed mother than just plain, unwed.
Really nice meeting you.
[FERN] Some more brisket?
- Sorry about dinner. - That's OK.
Thanks for carrying her. Is she heavy?
No.
- Um... uhm... - What?
Do you have any plans for the 4th? I was thinking...
maybe we could see the fireworks. - OK!
I thought, I mean, you don't have to, but, if it's not a big deal,
- like, maybe it might be nice. - I said, OK.
I'd love to.
Oh really?
Wow, OK.
Yeah..
[♪ PUNK-KLEZMER]
♪ makheteyneste mait makheteyneste treit
♪ Oy lone zainen eisin mekht von dir
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Hang on!
Fuck, man this is bullshit! Donny?
What time are you playing in? This is a fucking freilach*!
Do you know what that means?
And Elmo, chill out, alright! You're gonna fuck up my whole doina*.
Alright, let's try it one more time.
♪ Ein, tsvei, drei!
♪ makheteyneste mait
- I bought a gift for you. - Oh, no.
I actually lifted it from Borders,
but it's perfect for your date. It's classical music.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, when you get Lorena alone, put this on.
Classical music makes women horny.
- Just trust me on this one. - Oh... thanks.
Best of John Philip Sousa? Great.
Oh, yeah. Chicks dig him.
Wasn't he the guy who does all the marches and stuff?
No!
I found it in the classical music section.
- It's fucking classical. - Oh, alright.
I'm so psyched for tonight.
These things are gonna rock!
Oh... You know...
I don't know if I can make it tonight, actually.
What?
I'm sorry. I kinda... made plans with Lorena, to see the fireworks.
Oh!
I hope you understand.
So what am I supposed to do with these?
Well, you can come with us.
Don't blow your fuckin' hands off alright!
Right?
Aah! Ooh!
Aaahh!
[♪ ]
[♪♪]
♪ [The Stars and Stripes Forever] [John Phillips Sousa]
[♪ ]
- Steven. - Yeah?
Would you mind taking me home?
[♪♪]
Sure everything's alright?
Yeah. Everything's fine.
For some reason I don't believe you.
Look Steven,
my life is very complicated, right now.
Yeah, well, mine is, too.
I have a daughter, Steven, you have a dummy.
You're so nice,
and I'm so glad that we got to know each other, but...
I'm just not ready for anything, right now.
It's not you, it's me.
Well...
you look lovely.
Good night.
I thought you were the baby-sitter.
How'd the date go?
OK.
He would be a great brother.
- Who, Steven? - No, the dummy.
♪ [The Liberty Bell March] [Monty Python theme]
You're an idiot!
I know.
- It's a tough crowd. - Yeah.
[DUMMY] Lemme handle this. Hey, by a show of hands,
how many of you folks like prune juice.
Oh, that got a rise out of'em.
[STEVEN] Let's show everybody how smart you are.
- What shape is the world? - [DUMMY] Square.
- The world. - Square.
[STEVEN] What shape are my cufflinks?
- Square. - No...
- The cufflinks I wear to church. - Oh, why didn't you say so?
♪ Just tell me one thing,
♪ In which you believe.
♪ I'll tell you a dozen,
♪ When you've been deceived.
Oh my God!
♪ Show me a lover,
♪ You thought you had known,
You ugly, babbling, stupid, old bitch!
'Witch' Michael, not 'bitch'!
You're dropping lines, left and right.
Sounds like crap, alright! Fucking bullshit!
Donnie, you're fragging.
Fucking Elmo, you're a fucking wad!
Ooh!
- Did you talk to her? - Jesus!
Did you talk to her?
Look, you really, really, have to stop waiting for me, OK?
Fine, I won't do it again, I promise.
W-What did she say?
How did she react?
Well, I mean, it's kinda difficult to describe it.
Show me.
- What? - Show me the exact espression.
What do you mean?
I want you to act out her reaction.
Just, let go and become Heidi for a moment.
- Oh, I don't think so. - Please, look, here, I'll be you.
Heidi, I ran into Michael.
God... he looks great!
She's seeing somebody else.
A lawyer.
I-I really have to get in, now.
A lawyer?! Pftt!
[DUMMY] You made a total mess of the situation.
[STEVEN] I don't know what I did wrong, but...
I'm just, not good at this sort of thing.
[DUMMY] Listen Steven, you have a beautiful girl, here.
She's dying to be kissed and all you wanna do, is play with a doll.
But, you're not a doll, you're a dummy.
No, you're a dummy! Now cut the bullshit.
Who do you think I am? Goddamn, Pinocchio?
I'm a hunk of wood. A hunk of wood!
Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that.
It's true.
Painful as it is to admit, I'm a piece of wood.
Handsome and irresistibile, but... nonetheless, wood!
You're more than that.
Steven...
grow up.
[FERN] Heidi, phone!
[LOU] Hitler couldn't sink this baby, your voice probably could.
You know, Lou, when you have kids to raise, you yell.
Hello? Yes.
What?
Yeah.
Yeah, my condolences. Whatever!
It's over.
I'm screwed. My magician died.
What?
That was his wife on the phone. He died last night.
My magician!
He was one of my special touches.
A strolling performer for the wedding.
I'm ruined!
Like he couldn't wait one more day!
Why don't you have 'Edgar Bergen', over there, do it? - What?
- [FERN] Steven. - [HEIDI] Steven!
All you have to do
is walk around with a dummy, for a few hours.
- No, I don't think so. - I'll pay you 200 dollars.
Hm... Nah, I don't think so.
What's wrong with you?
Nothing, I don't wanna use the dummy anymore.
- What?! - Steven, why?
[HEIDI] I mean you can't give up, now!
Why, all of a sudden, because it's inconvenient for you?
No! That was supposed to be your dream.
Well... I thought it was.
So, what, you're just gonna quit, you're just gonna give up, just like that?
It's what you did isn't it?
- Oh, please, Michael and I... - I'm not talking about Michael.
I'm talking about your singing.
Well, that was never very realistic.
And Steven, running around
with a stuffed animal, is?!
Well, he seems to know what he's doing.
Yeah, because he's Steven.
And if Steven wanted to sell his own shit, you'd say:
"Gee, what a wonderful idea!"
I wanted to sing.
And you made me feel like a fool.
Honey, it's not my fault if you felt like a fool.
I always supported you.
I only wanted you to be more realistic.
More realistic?!
Oh so, now I'm planning some tacky wedding
for some fat JAP, who'll be divorced in two years.
I'm living at home with my parents!
You make me beg for the car every day.
- That's realistic?! - Hey, Hey!
Don't yell at your mother.
That's all you have to say?
My life is a living hell and that's all you have to say!
Don't yell at me, either.
Hey! Put that down!
Wake up, dad!
You're grounded!
I always supported her.
No mom, you didn't.
[ ♪ ]
Uh, I'd like to return this.
[ ♪ ]
Told you ma, I got a gig.
Man! The rain is gonna ruin my hair.
You're spoiled and stupid!
You little whore!
I need my prescription!
- Man, is your mom alright? - Does she seem alright?
C'mon you guys, I don't wanna be late. 'Mach schnell!'
I think I'll wear my blue dress. What do you think?
You think Jenny will mind me wearing blue to her wedding?
I wish this was your wedding, we were going to.
♪ Could this be the end of the party
♪ You search the room for the last piece of cake
♪ The ice is melting in the glasses
♪ And you're regretting every pass that you didn't make
♪ Weren't you the life of the party?
♪ Didn't she laugh at all of your jokes?
♪ And you're just sitting here with no one
Hey! There's no smoking in this building.
Put that cigarette out! Jesus!
Goddamn foreigners!
♪ Another year and nothing much changed
♪ Another year spent waiting for no one
Woah, woah, woah!!
What is this? What is this?
This is not what I ordered!
I have the invoice right here.
Baba ganouj, hummous, tabouleh...
I dunno what the hell those are.
Well, that's what was ordered! See for yourself.
This says the 'Ali wedding'.
This isn't the Ali wedding?
No, this is not the Ali wedding!
This is the Freed wedding!
This is the polar opposite of the Ali wedding!
Oh, are you sure?
Am I sure? Of course I'm sure!
This is a disaster.
Mrs. Freed, how do you feel about baba ganouj?
- It's really a wonderful appet... - Ooh!
She gained 10 pounds since the last fitting,
I can't get the gown over her big fat ass.
Mother!
I've gotta check on the band. Excuse me, Mrs. Freed.
Heidi?
Michael, this is a really bad time!
When would be a good time, Heidi?
Ah, well, let's see. How about, never?
Heidi? Heidi.
Heidi!
Heidi, dammit, Heidi, stop, stop!
Heidi, look, this is important.
No, Michael, THIS is important.
This wedding is the most important day of my life.
You have no idea how far I've come.
How much I changed for you!
No, no, no. Don't do anything.
It's over between us.
- Not over. - Yes it is. It's over.
I know, that as long as you're alive,
it can never be over.
What, the hell, does that mean?
Is that some kind of a threat?
If you do not get out of here, right now,
I'm calling the cops.
Don't think I don't know about your little lawyer!
What?
[♪ PUNK WEDDING MARCH ]
[DUMMY] I always cry at weddings.
I thought you might need some help.
How's it going?
It's great.
I just wanna die.
[STEVEN] Don't say that.
You need to follow your bliss.
Wow...
A little Joseph Campbell, you "plagierer".
He's right.
You're funny, you know? I didn't know that.
- You're funny. - Really?
You're really... talented.
Don't sell yourself short.
OOH, AAHH!
AAHH!
♪ Hekher besser, (Step) higher, better.
♪ Di rod, di rod makht gresser, Make our circle bigger.
♪ Groys hot mikh Got gemakht Great, has God, made me.
♪ Glik hot er mir gebrakht Luck, has He, brought me.
♪ Hulyet kinder a gantse nakht Shout, children, all night long!
♪ Di mezinke oysgegebn. I married off my youngest girl. [repeat]
♪ Di mezinke oysgegebn.
♪ Hekher besser,
♪ Di rod, di rod makht gresser,
♪ Groys hot mikh Got gemakht
♪ Glik hot er mir gebrakht
♪ Hulyet kinder a gantse nakht
♪ Di mezinke oysgegebn.
♪ Hekher besser, ♪ Di rod, di rod makht gresser,
♪ Groys hot mikh Got gemakht ♪ Glik hot er mir gebrakht
♪ Hulyet kinder a gantse nakht ♪ Di mezinke oysgegebn.
♪ Di mezinke oysgegebn.
♪ Hekher besser, ...etc...
[ ♪ INTRO: SHEYN VI DI LEVONE - PUNK]
♪ Sheyn vi di levone, [Beautiful as the moon]
[MICHAEL] Heidi?
Last chance.
Please, Michael, please, get out of here
I wanna talk about our relationship.
- We don't have a relationship! - What's going on?
Oh! Hey Steve, everything's fine.
Heidi and I are just talking.
- No, we're not. - Yes we are. - No, we're not. - We are.
Look, Michael... Michael!
You should leave, now.
♪ Dayne tzeyndelekh, [Your little teeth]
♪ vays vi perelekh, [Like little pearls]
♪ Mit dayne sheyne oygn, [With your beautiful eyes]
I really didn't wanna have to do this, but, fine!
- OK? - Ahh!
OK, don't worry, it's not mine, I just borrowed it.
- Just, get lost! - Listen...
put that away, alright? 'Cuz this is crazy.
If I don't follow through with the threat, Heidi will never respect me
- She'll just think I'm a psychopath. - You are a psychopath.
I've been seing a shrink.
Which has been tremendously helpful with a lot of my anger issues
Michael, you're pointing a gun at me..
My drinking...
down to practically nil.
- Bonnie? - Yeah?
Do me favour, go back to the party, I'll be right back.
I tried to do it without the gun,
but you wouldn't listen.
Now, you'll listen.
Baby...
I love you,
- Steven? - We can make this work.
Steven, what is going on?
- Put the gun down! - Shut up and get over there!
Dammit you're making me look like an asshole!
- Don't do this! - Shut up!
I don't have to answer to you anymore.
I am so, so, over you!
- What? - Wait a minute, you two know each other?
- Yeah, unfortunately. - Shut up and get over there!
♪ Host mikh tzugetzoygn. [Has attracted me]
Michael, you are violating the restraining order.
A man with a pistol should be so worried
about violating his restraining order!
I mean, oh my god, what's gonna happen?
I'm four feet away from you, huh?
Now, I'm two away from you.
Three feet. One foot.
Back off, buddy.
You're lucky, I'm over you.
- Heidi! - Ohh!
Last chance.
Michael.
The police are here. They're right behind you.
Nice try, Steve.
I turn to look, you lunge at me.
Very heroic!
Fortunately, I'm not gonna fall for it. Nice try, though.
Freeze! Police!
Drop your guns and put your hands up!
Don't shoot!
What the hell? Aahh!
- Aah! - Aah!
♪ You don't get your seat back
♪ You got up and lost your place
♪ You should learn 'bout leaving in the middle
♪ So you're lost in space?
♪ La-la la, la-la la ...&c...
Not another step. I mean it!
Ohh...
Blanks. Prop.
Oh, my god! Are you OK?
You really hit'im!
- How did you do that? - I threw my voice.
You protected me.
- Yeah. - Thanks.
Heidi?
Thake a good look at this face.
'Cause you will never, ever, see it again.
"I blew out your candle", Heidi. Good bye.
♪ You don't get those years back
Can I please get the gun back?
It belongs to the theater.
Just give it to him.
Thank you.
[HEIDI] Now you can see why I broke off the engagement.
[DUMMY] He's nuts.
But you reakky came to my rescue, boy!
- Hey, how's your hand? - Fine... Ouch...
I didn't think you could punch someone, like that!
- Me, neither. - It was amazing!
Well, there's something I need to take care of.
Thanks, Steven.
That was pretty brave.
- No. - Mm, yeah!
- Really? - Yeah.
*** Yeah.
- I'm sorry... - Lorena...
[DUMMY] You shoulda kissed her, idiot!
Don't rub it in.
♪ I want a door that belongs to me
♪ I want a bed that belongs to me
♪ I wanna know when I climb into bed
♪ I'll wake up in my own morning
"For, nowadays...
"the world is lit by lightning.
"Blow out your candles.
"And so...
"good bye."
♪ I want a chair that belongs to me
♪ I wanna know when I rock in that chair
♪ I'll look up at my own ceiling.
[MICHAEL] Thanks, thank you.♥
It wasn't too over the top, was it?
- Oh, man, it was fucking beautiful! - Really?
Oh, no shit, man!
Are-are you a fuckin' actor or something?
Yeah, yeah... what's your name?
- Fanny. -Fanny.
- I'm Michael. - Michael!
That was terrible.
I thought we gave a very moving oerformance.
The only thing moving was your lips.
Asshole.
- Cut. - That's a cut!