Ladies and gentlemen,
A great applause for Christina P.!
AN ORIGINAL COMEDISPECIAL FROM NETFLIX
No, stop! Stop now.
Sit down, put your way. Okay.
Stop. You know I can not handle so much appreciation.
Jösses. Thank you very much for coming, Seattle.
This is so exciting!
Oh... a lot has happened since I was here last time.
Exactly. I got a person to get out of me!
Yes. I do not know if you have children, but having a newborn is...
Yes, that's a real miracle.
The supermiracle is that I was sober for nine months.
Sure, girls?
But the thing is to have children,
It broke me emotionally,
spiritual and physical.
Physically, my body is a dog kit.
I have tits like Rick Ross.
You are a pretty white audience.
Like Jonah Hill. Yes, Jonah Hill.
It's fun, because the big thing is to breastfeed in public, right?
It's a big scandal.
"I do not want to see breasts while I eat nachos at the restaurant."
"Do not worry about it, sir,
for when you have given birth, you have no longer breast. "
That's how it is. I have moments now.
Exactly.
Soft, hanging,
spongy, purple nipples!
Bruna, "covered with skin flaps and Morgan Freeman-like" mammoths!
Breasts are for young, beautiful girls like you.
How old are you, the Sugar Tut?
Twenty-five.
"What will happen tomorrow? I do not know. "
"I can go on brunch or
check Netflix and chilla. Or something. "
It's so nice. Look at you. You have breasts.
See all of them. This is breasts.
Bend your neck, the lady. Look over there.
They are perfect.
Breasts want to cuddle with and...
Like a soft glass.
You want to mash them in your face!
But mammothuts...
... mammoths want to throw in the garbage.
And that's sick because
None of my friends told how tough it is to have children.
Women do not recognize that they feel ambivalent sometimes, about having children.
Instead, they use a soft language, and say things like:
"Well... To have children, it is...
Yes, that's a challenge. "
I say: "No. No!
No. Losing weight is a challenge.
Making yoga classes is a challenge.
Keep the fish under the massage... "
Which I can not anymore, by the way.
No, I love my son.
He's the best thing that happened to me.
He's the love of my life.
His name is Ellis, and is 18 months.
And I... I love him so much.
And I... Yes, thank you. Thank you for that love.
I love him so much, and I'm a tough mom.
I would cut your throat...
... to save my child's life.
But...
But sometimes I can lock myself in the bathroom
and clean my ears,
and then I can sometimes push the top all the way in.
It is challenging.
No one says that pregnancy is the fun part.
Being pregnant was so cool, you know.
I went on ultrasound every week, because I'm so old.
I was bullied with my nurse.
They stopped the stake and I said:
"Can you see if my high school love's class is left in there?
Can you see if my son is gay?
Black then? I do not know. "
Later in front of the creator was the best.
They do not know about the female body.
You can say anything to them.
I said: "The gold, there is so much I can not do as pregnant.
I can not drink wine or eat sushi.
Just that, I can not suck anyone either.
No. I read online that the child becomes autistic then. "
He answered, of course, "And?"
It is challenging.
It's quite crazy when you think philosophically about it, how much it takes
to create each of you, every human being.
For a woman wearing a loving in her body for nine months.
Then she gives birth to the child.
And then carry the child in his arms, for another two years,
and give it food and love it, reads it singing for it.
And I have to say that, most of you are not worth it.
There are many losers on our planet.
Just Genetically, Million Snookis...
... but just a Beyoncé.
Most of you will not win a Pulitzer Prize
or a Cracker Jack candy price.
What can you do?
My favorite greeting with feeding children is that you have a plan, huh?
A damn birth plan.
As if something has to do with to feed the child.
It is between God and the child. It does not touch you at all.
All the men in LA say:
"Oh, Christina, you have to feed naturally.
You must do it naturally.
You must feed naked in a stream.
You can bite into branches when it hurts.
Women have been doing this for thousands of years. "
Yes, before the drug was invented.
They said: "How are you planning to feed?" I said: "I'm planning a fan in me not to feel a joke!"
Let me feed as in the 1950s.
Seek me and wake me three days later, with a baby and a martini.
Then I give the child a nice, overweight black woman in a suit.
Let Maisy raise the child.
The black guy laughs.
That's okay. Relax a little.
I can feel your collective anus attracted.
"This is Seattle. We are not joking. "
They told...
They said: "Christina, you have to make cesarean section." Then we booked it.
They said: "The child's head is so big, and you're so small.
Your...
... kiss is so small. "
I felt: "Good. I'm allowed to make Caesarean section instead. "
What do you think of the day for my planned Caesarean section?
Moms?
Exactly.
The birthright began!
And I squeezed a human out of this little fragile pussy.
I had to do an episiotomi.
No!
Oh yes. For those who do not know what it is, they got to cut my middle ground.
The area between my balls and the spacehole.
And you think that birth is scary.
Not as scary as the first time ı man is after episode tomin.
Men's racing, sure is that stressful?
Because it's just pure Frankenstein-flattery meatmack there.
Yes. Do you have Arby's here?
Do you know what I mean? You are kidding mackan in sauce and late...
Nobody tells about it. Nobody says it.
And nobody talks about this, okay?
It's not good, but...
I do not mean to scare you, but when you give birth to children...
... then you hate you man.
I mean a lot. You really hate him.
But only in the beginning.
You are so full of hormones, it's so traumatic and crazy.
You could be married to Gandhi, and would still hate him!
I remember i am nursing our son in the middle of the night,
I nursed our baby four in the morning and cradled him
and muttered to myself in the dark.
"Your damn!
Your career will continue.
I'm stuck here and breastfeeding baby.
Well, have fun in New York. It must be nice. "
"Can I help you?" "Yes, get some stuff. How about that? "
But it goes over. Then you will be normal again.
And I actually like my husband. I like him. I love him.
I do not know why people marry with those they hate.
One can choose who to marry. This is not India.
I love my husband. I laugh at his joke. He is amazing.
But now and then I want to turn to his stupid nylle.
It's not the big things that make one want to kill their true half.
It's small things.
Small things.
Why he must ask me where everything is there...
... all the time...
... in his own damn house?
As if I were the butler Carson, and we live in Downton Abbey or something.
All day, looped. "Where are the keys? Where is the dog? Where is the garage? "
When we got married we were so poor that we lived in a one.
One one.
But he was still mad enough to ask me where everything was.
"Where is the spatula?"
I like: "Heroes."
Everything we own...
... is here. So what...
How lazy are you, really?
But I'm not kidding.
Do not cherish. It happens for deaf ears.
Do as I do:
Use positive reinforcements instead.
Positive. As with Cesar Millan.
"I use calm, determined energies.
I am the leader of the flock. "
So when I see behavior that I want to see more of,
Then I encourage it.
If he does something, I go ahead and say: "Oh, yes.
Do you fill the dishwasher?
Clean disk makes me want to suck things. "
But do not tell me if you do not mean it.
For those wanting to get the gene service soon.
Then you must like: "No!" Or what now that stupid...
No, because it's a short time when women want to do that?
As at the beginning of the relationship, it's best for a guy then.
It's a blast season then.
In the beginning we are so happy for the relationship that we suck you for everything.
"Did you buy tickets for the stand?"
"Six McNuggets."
"Do you open the door to me?"
Then you marry, and it will be:
"Honeymoon aspirations? No, we stopped serving them yesterday.
There is no left on the menu, the guy. "
So be sure to get them while you can.
But you have to do it, you have to: "Oh, I love it."
You have to. I do not want to be single. Are you shining?
Never, not in this age.
Never. To the women
Can not just get old and fat like in the old good time, you know?
Now we have to keep our foolishness during each time of our lives.
It's strenuous.
Kathy Bates is a great spectacle because she has to be.
When you fill 30, you push out a kid, and then called "MILF".
Forty, and now I'm a puma.
Then you become a grandmother, and like: "Schyst. I'm out of the system. "
No, then.
This is called a "GILF".
"A grandmother I would like to fuck."
No, not Grandmother.
Not cute grandmother who gives a buttercake caramel! No!
Here is the button. There is nothing for men, huh?
You are not called animal names or acronyms.
You are not called "DILFS".
But that's true, because there are no dads you want to fuck.
I know, because I have been at the airports in the Midwest
and I have seen the fathers there.
I've seen you, dads.
"Really, Dad? Should a woman say:
'Oh, yes.
The folder.
I love your pale blue jeans.
Is it a brown braided belt?
How do you keep your white New Balance sneakers so white, daddy?
Is it a phone holster?
Call ring, official dad business.
I love that smart lace you have to your glasses. '"
But what ever starts me, dads, is that in your jeans.
It's always that in your jeans.
Because they are sitting so high up...
... and they are even so tight.
They sit high and tight.
Yes!
You almost see the contour...
... on the cardiac vagina.
Just next to The Exit Subway Discount Card
In the wallet of the card
Herregud. Who am I?
Who are we?
Herregud. I can not believe I'm a parent.
Or I have to raise a person here.
The world is so messed up.
I feel sorry for this generation.
I feel sorry for the millennia because you... Yes.
Because everyone hates you so much.
Do you see? They hate you.
"Yes, kill her. Yes. " I know it's so sick.
And the reason that people of my age do not like you are enough
because you like yourselves so much.
You have self-esteem.
My generation did not have it. We hated ourselves.
Our song was like "Loser" by Beck.
Jo.
But it's not your fault.
What happened to Gen Xers...
I'm a Gen Xer, I suppose, if you are hardening it, but...
... we overcompensated for our checkout childhood,
and corrected the course too much.
Now there is a parent parenting and ancestral parenting,
homeschooling and oskolning, paleodiet and vegandiet.
Nobody can get hurt. Security Obsession.
In my neighborhood children can not even go to the park themselves Without a sign on which it says: "Free child."
Yes, we are all alive for such as we have decided for the long run.
Things like vaccines.
There are people who do not vaccinate their children.
Oh yes. And you know why?
This has happened, partly because of Jenny McCarthy.
You know who Jenny McCarthy is, jadå.
Previous Playboy playmate, author of nine books.
Nine books.
Ernest Hemingway of the sperms.
Then...
That's okay, but Jenny...
What happened was that Jenny... Jenny read a study,
or someone read it for her...
... and the study linked autism to vaccines.
Later this was rejected, okay?
But meanwhile, the dumb head was with in all the women's talk hats...
... and told women not to vaccinate their children.
Now there are women in LA who say things like: "Yes...
I do not need to vaccinate it
because it is not found as a cervical or polio. "
No, because of the vaccine, stupid pussy.
Yes.
That's how it works.
Everybody gets a syringe, Then we are all immune to the disease,
but it only works if we all participate.
As a knot calf, or run a bun.
And why do we get advice from the who got married to Wahlberg?
I read about the biggest generation.
It was Americans born during the depression era,
that grew up poor and dirty.
And then...
Then, luckily, they were fighting during World War II.
But here is the thing.
They came from the war
and built our country to the strong economy it had at that time.
Discipline, difficulty, strength.
Now I do not say to this generation...
... have not had their difficulties.
I mean, who can forget...
... the great gluten intolerance?
Or the peanut allergies who visit the country's daycare?
Or the phases with
A modem-dialed Internet?
I can not even say that.
But you have renamed Cauliflower to just "cabbage".
It was quite awesome.
It was good, right?
Strunt same. You know what?
The biggest generation also played Call of Duty.
But on real, in the shooting... in France.
There is no uprising in you. No rebellion.
You should hate your parents' music, Do not mix it?
You probably know.
It's not your fault.
We said it is yours. We saw the uprising from you.
And we did it by making you even offended.
It is a full time job. "I'm offended."
Do you know people are being violated of what Justin Bieber tweets?
Like I love. I love Justin Bieber. He is so cute.
He grows into a wonderful Hilary Swank. I admire him.
But he is not offensive. Come on now.
I grew up for a time when there was a bitch called Madonna.
Yes, Madonna, in his "Like a Prayer" video,
she burned cross...
... and hinged with a black jesus.
Oh! That's shocking.
Especially as we all know that Jesus is white, or how?
High five. Yes.
Racistically, so racist.
Did you see that?
"Make America big again." I heard.
Offended.
It's so stupid.
I grew up in a home where we violated each other.
My parents divorced, Then Mommy married a native.
A fool...
Then...
An Indian!
As in diarrhea, not cowboys. An Indian.
The condemned temple, not dancing with wolves.
7-Eleven, not 911.
That's how it was.
Then it was.
I called him "Turbanator" every day.
Nobody cried for it.
Than late. Do you remember...
Remember when...
Do you remember the time when everyone like had a racist father?
Even if you were not white one dad even hated all other races.
And he said crazy things all the time.
Like: "The Chinese eat up all cookies.
Women can not read. "
I did not enter that.
Do you know how much sexist crap I heard?
Did I define it? Never.
Do not let the outside world say who you are.
Instead, I just said, "Dad is a shit."
And went on with my life.
Do not let them say who you are.
And get rid of it.
Stop trying to make old white men politically correct.
It will not happen.
And the error is not theirs.
For those raised to serial killers.
That's true. Men in your father's age became as little told to not cry.
Do you feel? To say to a guy:
"Stop crying, your knife!
Stop laughing, your gay! "
Do you know what happens if boys can not cry?
They grow up to men who punch on the women's sex.
Just that.
I do not know.
I do not know how to breed a boy in today's world.
I mean I can not dress him in blue clothes.
He has not chosen his gender identity yet.
It is child abuse. I have to call him the "baby jungle" or "baby jag".
Have you heard of this with "non-binary"?
Okay. This makes me wonder. I do not know.
There is something... It's not like sexual orientation.
Not to be gay, straight, bisexual.
It's even gender expression, right?
Then in the morning you can feel: "I am a woman."
And at lunch: "I'm still a guy." You can have an astral queue.
Yes, or a color queue.
You can have an animal sex.
You can ask people to call a for different pronouns,
like "hin, hen, or home".
Imagine declaring non-binary for his dad.
My dad said, "Virginly.
We called them only for figs. "
You can not explain for old people. Okay?
Dad does not understand the difference between TV and cable remote.
It was 15 years ago!
But the non-binary "hin-hen"... It has always been.
It's not new, by the way. Not new.
But hin-hen has always been spectacular.
It has always been exceptional.
It has always been like David Bowie.
Not like Keegan who has the juice bar in the health food store.
But strunt the same.
I do not discriminate because of sex, sexual orientation, race or weight.
None of it. I do not judge from it.
I judge the grammar.
Jadå. Sure.
I do not want to hear anyone else say: "Yes and Tom going to the beach",
or "Yes and Stacy will have dinner."
It's not called "yes and it", puckon.
-No sounds... -Yes!
You sound like Kakmonster when you say so.
"Oh, yes, the cake went to the discot. Vojne, vojne! "
I get an aneurysm if I have to hear that again.
You are not borrowing books on "bibbedketket".
You do not go to Starbucks and order an "expresso".
It is not called: "O-regardless."
J.Lo's butt is not "malicious".
And you do not miss "stanima".
Jovisst.
But my personal favorite is:
"Do you know what, Christina?
A sky in the oturen. "
And I answer: "Yes? Up there, then? "
And then Caitlyn Jenner happened.
Are you totally out of Caitlyn Jenner?
I'm so over that. Forget it.
And I'm not kidding Caitlyn because she's a transperson or a member of the LGBT-QRSTUV, sometimes-Y community.
How many letters should we add?
It's like solving the last puzzle in Wheel of Fortune.
"Call me Caitlyn. Call me Caitlyn, for the fan. "
Okay, for hell.
We have called you Bruce for 70 years. Give us a minute!
We'll be there, at last.
"Caitlyn." Caitlyn is not a sexy girl name.
You can think that if you have expected 70 years to become a woman
One would probably choose a sexy name.
One of her friends could have said: "Listen now.
Caitlyn is no sexy name.
Caitlyn pays tax.
But Krystal?
She's a hora.
Caitlyn would probably suck you off.
But Krystal?
She lickes your asshole. "
Yes, yes.
The honest truth why I'm annoyed at Caitlyn
is because it all happened, and it was as if the sky opened and down the rain comedies.
All comedians said: "Yes! Katjing! Here comes something good!
Bruce is Caitlyn now. Come on. "
But we did not make fun of her.
No one got to work with Caitlyn Jenner because Caitlyn Jenner is a hero!
Caitlyn Jenner is a hero!
Sure, Caitlyn Jenner is a hero.
But let's not forget the other hero, Photoshop.
Am I right? Okay? A little…
But it's still miserable.
"Christina, that's transfobic."
Yes, she wants to be a woman. Time to be criticized as a dawn.
Oh! Welcome to the sisterhood, bitch!
Fan get you because you go with after menopause.
She can handle it. Caitlyn is an adult.
She can handle the joke.
She is a member of the most famous family in the world.
And the TV Series: Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
Hello, I'm so less on it.
I love the title. It is completely misleading.
Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
Keep a steady beat with them? What are the women involved in?
Digging the wells in Uganda?
Do you eat Romanian orphans?
No, they wax the fittan.
It's our fault, women. We look at the shit.
Then it's spinoff program.
Like Kourtney and Kim do New York and Kourtney and Kim do Miami.
But not Kourtney and Kim do algebra?
Then I had seen all sections of it.
"Lord. Mathematics is difficult.
Can I not just suck someone to do this? "
You're lucky, Kim. Made Miami Heat is in town.
No, as if the guys could mat.
Kourtney and Kim. What the hell?
The girls were not rich
It would be hot: Kourtney and Kim take the order.
But I do not know. They are okay.
They are cute. That's great.
But I... I do not like narcissism.
They are just for narcissistic. Whole...
What is it called if you take a picture of itself over and over again?
-What is it called? -Selfie.
Mental Disease. Thanks. Oh yeah.
"Do you love me, daddy? Now, then? "
"If I get enough with 'likes' then the emptiness is filled in the heart."
I do not know. I grew up in a...
We grew up in a crazy, resilient time.
Do you know that our generation is considered to be the least-behaved?
Jo. Check out Wikipedia. It stands with.
The least cared for. And we had to deal with whole-hearted things.
Like crack.
And AIDS.
And Friends.
I remember when AIDS was new and unfamiliar.
Nobody knew how to get it. People said things like:
"You can get aids from toasitsar on musicals."
We had no idea.
I like that joking much more than you.
I'll never stop telling you. Never.
It's for me. Only for me.
Yes, We were the least-behaved generation.
We were key children. Do you know what it is, Millennie?
"Is that important child?" No, then.
Okay, key child... It worked like this.
One got a key to his home
and you went to high school or something
and when the school was over,
so instead of arranging proper childcare...
... unlocked and went home, at home.
And then...
I do not know.
You could be alive when mom came home.
And we ate horrible food that we could only heat in a microwave
because we could not have the oven until mom arrived.
I grew up on a still white garbage diet with fried potatoes,
frozen pizza with that fake cheese that was not cheese, it was rubber...
... and spaghetti with meatballs on the jar.
The fake meatballs were so good.
One ate and got a ring ring ring...
... around the mouth since.
People asked: "Do you have lipstick?" "No, I'm eating a brilliant healthy diet."
But still today my choice would be the last meal macaroni and cheese.
It's my favorite! I love the shit!
My husband grew up with two parents who never threw food on each other.
So he did not know how to make macaroni and cheese.
Okay.
I said: "You can take your whole life...
I'll show you how to do it. "
So I showed how to make macaroni and cheese
and explained to him that it is never enough with cheese.
There is never enough orange cheese powder.
It's never cheesy enough!
He said: "You can open one for a packet...
... and take the powder from it...
... and pour it on the first. "
I said: "To hell, we are not millionaires!
Oh, you, Rockefeller.
You certainly pay for streaming music, too? "
We had things like PSA, public service messages.
They taught one to educate themselves.
There were commercials on tv
who taught the children how to fail to light fire on themselves.
And little Emmanuel Lewis came out... Little Webster...
"Hi, we know you love to play with matches.
No one will tell you to stop.
But if you light fire on you,
stop, drop and roll or anything. Your problem.
There is something to grow off.
Except for me.
I'm small, forever. "
And there was a dog in detective suit.
McGruff!
Ironically, the detective's costume looked like a pedophile...
... outfit.
And he had a scary east coast accent.
He said, "Hello, kids!
Do you see a man with a van in an alley who wants to show you something, do not look!
He's going to put you on!
Take a piece of my dick... I mean crimes! Crime. "
It's interesting when you get children
One starts to think How was you raised yourself?
And my therapist always says things like:
"Christina, your parents did as much as they could."
Not really.
No.
But I feel empathy for them because they were immigrants.
My parents lived a hard life.
They fled from Hungary under communism,
and for you that may not remember that...
... Communism was when Rocky fought against Ivan Drago.
So my parents fled from a country full of murder, poverty and corruption
and moved to Detroit.
Yes, that was a lateral move.
My mom is gone now.
But she was really crazy.
And not as when comedians step up here and say:
"My mom is so crazy.
Once, she mixed ranch dressing with Thousand Island dressing. "
No, my mother was really unoccupied.
She had foil on the windows to block foreign frequencies.
Would not use the phone or send email. "They List!"
They do, obviously.
Another story.
Mom is always right.
I still have my dad, and he's like a tough guy from the east.
He was a forklift mechanic his entire life.
He eats sausage three times a day.
Hate feelings, love Speedos. It's my dad.
Dad really loved the family dog.
Like dogs, it usually went and died.
Then he told me memories about the family's dog.
He said, "Christika,
fan i loved that dog
When I get home from work he is happy to see me.
I'm going to piss, he is following me.
I feel so much love for it.
I know... What's the name?
Unconditional love.
I do not feel like someone else. "
Oh yes. Our son would learn to go.
The most amazing moment in a parent's life.
"Hello, my little darling goes."
And my dad was there, we encouraged him.
We said: "Come on, baby, you can do it, Ellis!
Good job, good job! "
My dad said:
"What the hell, come on now.
All these: 'good work, good job.'
How about that at the end of the day...
... say 'good job' once? '
We are a Russian gymnast. So you have to...
My therapist says I'm too negative
so I want to finish this special with something positive.
Let's talk about death.
Jippi! Okay, so good. Yes!
Oh, so fun!
I hate when old celebrities die. But not if they are young.
Is there any young, I get excited. "Is Macaulay Culkin finally gone?"
It will happen anytime now.
Just do it.
I hate it just because in LA when old celebrities die
That's the news 24 hours a day.
I remember when Nancy Reagan died.
They said like: "Oh!
Nancy Reagan is dead at the age of 94!
A tragic and too early death...
... for Nancy Reagan. "
And you like, what?
What did you really think would happen to Nance this year?
Did you think she would start with CrossFit and learn to speak Mandarin?
Ninefree years!
One should not live for so long.
Did you know that during the Middle Ages at 35? Thirty five, and the light goes out.
And they died of crazy things with.
A dragon could come down from heaven!
And sprinkle fire on one!
Orcs with machetes could only...
They shared people in the middle.
Ninety four?
What to do with so much life?
I'm not suicidal or so.
I love life.
I'm a goddess. I have created life.
But there's only so much crap you can do here on the planet.
Do you understand me?
You are born, hopefully, in a developed country, right?
With some luck you have two parents. One may be reasonably normal.
Man goes to high school and learns to smoke.
You become a goth-dumpster.
A nice guy drives a finger in a behind the racketball courts.
Summer 1991 is at the Lollapalooza Festival
and takes two syrapills instead of a...
... flips out and gets crazy under Jane's Addictions "Ocean Size."
You run out and regret it evenly,
because they were split up and you never saw them.
You go to college.
And studying philosophy.
Taking exam,
just to discover that no one is hiring philosophers.
You get a job, 22 years for four years,
which you leave, or kicked off,
until you find something that you like to do,
and hold on to it and hold out, week after week,
in shellfish restaurants, hibachi grills, dive bars and stands clubs
until finally, finally, after 14 damn years,
when they give one's own fucking stand up special, in Seattle!
Yes!
Yes, yes.
You marry, squeeze some kids, and get a home loan.
You stand up and make the mistake to put you at the front.
You go home.
You're kidding. Ni bajsar.
And then you die.
And that's all.
If you are not Buddhists. Then you rinse, and do it all over again.
And that's life!
It's life.
That's fine, because it's finite.
There is a beginning, a middle and an end.
But some people do not want to leave their lives.
Some people become greedy with life.
Giriga damn.
Like Dick Clark.
You remember Dick Clark, right?
He hosted American Bandstand and New Year's Rockin 'Eve.
He was good. He was on television from the time the TV was invented.
Pretty literally. Literally.
And he was really good at his job.
Until one day...
... when Dickie got a stroke.
And I mean a...
A real stroke.
It was bad.
Great Taste. As...
Have you seen a 15 year old chihuahua?
A really old chihuahua?
One who is blind to one eye, with partly cold fur, and it chews there.
But with an ironic name like Sunshine or Hope.
This was Dick Clark, then.
I know, and you might think that someone working with TV,
where this is very important...
... would stop working after that.
But not old Dickie.
The narcissistic idiot...
... refused to end host New Year's Rockin 'Eve,
because he was convinced that he was the only one in the entertainment industry that could count back from ten to one.
I did not see the last time as he hosted the New Year program,
but I'd like to imitate it for you now, if I get...
I guess I have to. Okay!
Then we drive.
Dick Clark to host New Year's Rockin 'Eve, one last time.
Hello, we are sending live from Times Square.
We have Dick Clark down on the ground.
Dick, can you tell us how all handsome girls and boys look tonight?
I can see their fittor!
Dick, we never know what to say.
You can just count us now, Dick?
Take and count down time for us.
Ten...
... four...
Salmon is very good
Jösses, puertooricanans fuck basically in the middle of the street, right?
Yes, it was all for us tonight.
I would definitely have looked at it.
I think my therapist is right.
I'm too negative.
Therefore I should be positive about death.
Here's my suggestion to you, Seattle.
Give me the last two weeks of your life
Then we will go on your last cruise.
Listen to me clearly.
I get a nice ship. A great find.
No Carnival Epa Skit. Without…
Like such a Italian, you know?
Embark on my boat, and I'll give you a bag of black tar-like heroin...
... and some dirty needles.
Who cares, right?
We can take all drugs you have wanted to test.
Like LSD, GHB, DMT.
We call Cosby and get tranquilizers.
Crystal meth. Cocaine.
We get so tall that we rub the teeth to crumbs.
We get the cosmic insight that there is only one of us.
We are all spokes on the only wheel of human existence.
There is no man, no woman, no black or white,
There is no non-binary...
There is no non-binary.
We are all manifestations of a single lovely, loving creature.
Love is the only thing that matters. The only thing that is real.
Control is an illusion.
The only thing you can control are the thoughts in your head,
And as Socrates said, ı the unexplored life is not worth it.
And as Bill and Ted said:
"Be excellent to each other."
Yes, thank you. Thanks.
And after that buffet, because we have probably not eaten in four days.
And there's everything you've ever wanted.
There are macaroni and cheese with a lot of orange cheese powder.
Burk paste. As many cans you want to eat.
There is a chocolate fountain for penis.
"Check me out!"
We have taken drugs and we have eaten.
Now it's time for some sex.
Oh, six.
And that's Sodom and Gomorrah.
All make gang violence.
There is so much fucking and sucking
and 69, or anything.
And there is so much sperm.
There is so much of it.
And just when you think that there is no more...
... then Katy Perry will be on board.
And she sucks off all the guys.
But no wives or girlfriends get angry because Ryan Gosling comes on board.
And he listens to all of us.
Lovely!
Lovely.
Ok so that's all.
It's the end of the two weeks and we have celebrated so much we hurried.
That's all. It is over.
And then I take the catapult.
Seattle knows where to lead.
Some cities do not.
I bring the catapult, put you in it and...
... I shoot you in the sea,
and you are eaten by a megalodon shark.
But corner, they are there.
The shark eats you and melts you.
It's shining out.
Since father is soul up to heaven.
For in my world, we all end up in heaven.
Exactly. And you meet God.
And murderers.
That's Dick Clark!
"Puertoricans are kidding everywhere!"
Thank you very much, everyone!
What a wonderful evening!
Thank you very much for coming here!