1 00:00:06,131 --> 00:00:08,217 Ladies and gentlemen, 2 00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:11,303 A great applause for Christina P.! 3 00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:28,695 AN ORIGINAL COMEDISPECIAL FROM NETFLIX 4 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,742 No, stop! Stop now. 5 00:00:33,825 --> 00:00:36,370 Sit down, put your way. Okay. 6 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:40,415 Stop. You know I can not handle so much appreciation. 7 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:44,211 Jösses. Thank you very much for coming, Seattle. 8 00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:46,380 This is so exciting! 9 00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:52,511 Oh... a lot has happened since I was here last time. 10 00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:56,807 Exactly. I got a person to get out of me! 11 00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:04,606 Yes. I do not know if you have children, but having a newborn is... 12 00:01:05,357 --> 00:01:07,734 Yes, that's a real miracle. 13 00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:12,197 The supermiracle is that I was sober for nine months. 14 00:01:12,281 --> 00:01:13,365 Sure, girls? 15 00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:19,788 But the thing is to have children, 16 00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:23,667 It broke me emotionally, 17 00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:26,086 spiritual and physical. 18 00:01:26,169 --> 00:01:30,132 Physically, my body is a dog kit. 19 00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:34,928 I have tits like Rick Ross. 20 00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:39,349 You are a pretty white audience. 21 00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:43,562 Like Jonah Hill. Yes, Jonah Hill. 22 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:50,652 It's fun, because the big thing is to breastfeed in public, right? 23 00:01:50,736 --> 00:01:52,154 It's a big scandal. 24 00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:56,658 "I do not want to see breasts while I eat nachos at the restaurant." 25 00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:01,955 "Do not worry about it, sir, 26 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:07,252 for when you have given birth, you have no longer breast. " 27 00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:11,882 That's how it is. I have moments now. 28 00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:14,509 Exactly. 29 00:02:14,593 --> 00:02:17,554 Soft, hanging, 30 00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:21,350 spongy, purple nipples! 31 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:30,025 Bruna, "covered with skin flaps and Morgan Freeman-like" mammoths! 32 00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:40,994 Breasts are for young, beautiful girls like you. 33 00:02:41,078 --> 00:02:43,372 How old are you, the Sugar Tut? 34 00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:46,333 Twenty-five. 35 00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:52,047 Twenty-five. 36 00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:55,467 "What will happen tomorrow? I do not know. " 37 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,431 "I can go on brunch or 38 00:03:02,057 --> 00:03:04,226 check Netflix and chilla. Or something. " 39 00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:08,897 It's so nice. Look at you. You have breasts. 40 00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:11,024 See all of them. This is breasts. 41 00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:13,944 Bend your neck, the lady. Look over there. 42 00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:17,155 They are perfect. 43 00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:21,368 Breasts want to cuddle with and... 44 00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:26,790 Like a soft glass. 45 00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,542 You want to mash them in your face! 46 00:03:32,504 --> 00:03:34,047 But mammothuts... 47 00:03:35,674 --> 00:03:38,135 ... mammoths want to throw in the garbage. 48 00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:42,305 And that's sick because 49 00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:46,977 None of my friends told how tough it is to have children. 50 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:52,482 Women do not recognize that they feel ambivalent sometimes, about having children. 51 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:56,445 Instead, they use a soft language, and say things like: 52 00:03:57,362 --> 00:04:02,033 "Well... To have children, it is... 53 00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:06,288 Yes, that's a challenge. " 54 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,960 I say: "No. No! 55 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:16,923 No. Losing weight is a challenge. 56 00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:21,845 Making yoga classes is a challenge. 57 00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:25,515 Keep the fish under the massage... " 58 00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:30,854 Which I can not anymore, by the way. 59 00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:34,983 No, I love my son. 60 00:04:35,066 --> 00:04:38,487 He's the best thing that happened to me. 61 00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:40,447 He's the love of my life. 62 00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:42,699 His name is Ellis, and is 18 months. 63 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,951 And I... I love him so much. 64 00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:47,579 And I... Yes, thank you. Thank you for that love. 65 00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:53,668 I love him so much, and I'm a tough mom. 66 00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:55,504 I would cut your throat... 67 00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:59,174 ... to save my child's life. 68 00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:04,262 But... 69 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:10,435 But sometimes I can lock myself in the bathroom 70 00:05:10,519 --> 00:05:12,979 and clean my ears, 71 00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:17,192 and then I can sometimes push the top all the way in. 72 00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:22,989 It is challenging. 73 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:28,286 No one says that pregnancy is the fun part. 74 00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:30,455 Being pregnant was so cool, you know. 75 00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:34,376 I went on ultrasound every week, because I'm so old. 76 00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:36,294 I was bullied with my nurse. 77 00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:38,380 They stopped the stake and I said: 78 00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:43,301 "Can you see if my high school love's class is left in there? 79 00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:48,932 Can you see if my son is gay? 80 00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:52,894 Black then? I do not know. " 81 00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,148 Later in front of the creator was the best. 82 00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:59,401 They do not know about the female body. 83 00:05:59,484 --> 00:06:01,570 You can say anything to them. 84 00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:06,032 I said: "The gold, there is so much I can not do as pregnant. 85 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:11,246 I can not drink wine or eat sushi. 86 00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:13,748 Just that, I can not suck anyone either. 87 00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:18,962 No. I read online that the child becomes autistic then. " 88 00:06:22,632 --> 00:06:24,718 He answered, of course, "And?" 89 00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:29,347 It is challenging. 90 00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:36,646 It's quite crazy when you think philosophically about it, how much it takes 91 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:40,191 to create each of you, every human being. 92 00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:45,363 For a woman wearing a loving in her body for nine months. 93 00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:47,657 Then she gives birth to the child. 94 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:52,746 And then carry the child in his arms, for another two years, 95 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:58,043 and give it food and love it, reads it singing for it. 96 00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:03,590 And I have to say that, most of you are not worth it. 97 00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:08,762 There are many losers on our planet. 98 00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:12,891 Just Genetically, Million Snookis... 99 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:16,269 ... but just a Beyoncé. 100 00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:21,566 Most of you will not win a Pulitzer Prize 101 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:24,235 or a Cracker Jack candy price. 102 00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:26,655 What can you do? 103 00:07:26,738 --> 00:07:30,450 My favorite greeting with feeding children is that you have a plan, huh? 104 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:31,743 A damn birth plan. 105 00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:35,080 As if something has to do with to feed the child. 106 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:38,249 It is between God and the child. It does not touch you at all. 107 00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:40,293 All the men in LA say: 108 00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:45,465 "Oh, Christina, you have to feed naturally. 109 00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:47,968 You must do it naturally. 110 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:52,013 You must feed naked in a stream. 111 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,935 You can bite into branches when it hurts. 112 00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:03,984 Women have been doing this for thousands of years. " 113 00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:07,570 Yes, before the drug was invented. 114 00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:10,156 They said: "How are you planning to feed?" I said: "I'm planning a fan in me not to feel a joke!" 115 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:15,161 Let me feed as in the 1950s. 116 00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:20,875 Seek me and wake me three days later, with a baby and a martini. 117 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:26,423 Then I give the child a nice, overweight black woman in a suit. 118 00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:33,596 Let Maisy raise the child. 119 00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:37,726 The black guy laughs. 120 00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:42,188 That's okay. Relax a little. 121 00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:45,066 I can feel your collective anus attracted. 122 00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:47,986 123 00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:51,906 "This is Seattle. We are not joking. " 124 00:08:55,118 --> 00:08:56,119 They told... 125 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:58,913 They said: "Christina, you have to make cesarean section." Then we booked it. 126 00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:00,123 They said: "The child's head is so big, and you're so small. 127 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:05,336 Your... 128 00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:06,546 ... kiss is so small. " 129 00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:09,841 I felt: "Good. I'm allowed to make Caesarean section instead. " 130 00:09:15,472 --> 00:09:18,391 What do you think of the day for my planned Caesarean section? 131 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:21,895 Moms? 132 00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:22,979 Exactly. 133 00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:25,023 The birthright began! 134 00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:27,400 And I squeezed a human out of this little fragile pussy. 135 00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:32,781 I had to do an episiotomi. 136 00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:37,327 No! 137 00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:38,828 138 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:43,666 Oh yes. For those who do not know what it is, they got to cut my middle ground. 139 00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:48,171 The area between my balls and the spacehole. 140 00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:01,851 And you think that birth is scary. 141 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:05,980 Not as scary as the first time ı man is after episode tomin. 142 00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:08,525 Men's racing, sure is that stressful? 143 00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:14,489 Because it's just pure Frankenstein-flattery meatmack there. 144 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,743 Yes. Do you have Arby's here? 145 00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:25,542 Do you know what I mean? You are kidding mackan in sauce and late... 146 00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:40,682 Nobody tells about it. Nobody says it. 147 00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,684 And nobody talks about this, okay? 148 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,144 It's not good, but... 149 00:10:44,227 --> 00:10:47,689 I do not mean to scare you, but when you give birth to children... 150 00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:50,650 ... then you hate you man. 151 00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:55,446 I mean a lot. You really hate him. 152 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,074 But only in the beginning. 153 00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:01,619 You are so full of hormones, it's so traumatic and crazy. 154 00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:07,000 You could be married to Gandhi, and would still hate him! 155 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:13,172 I remember i am nursing our son in the middle of the night, 156 00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:16,551 I nursed our baby four in the morning and cradled him 157 00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:18,845 and muttered to myself in the dark. 158 00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:25,602 "Your damn! 159 00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:33,151 Your career will continue. 160 00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:38,406 I'm stuck here and breastfeeding baby. 161 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,869 Well, have fun in New York. It must be nice. " 162 00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:47,665 "Can I help you?" "Yes, get some stuff. How about that? " 163 00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:50,668 But it goes over. Then you will be normal again. 164 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:58,301 165 00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:03,431 And I actually like my husband. I like him. I love him. 166 00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:06,643 I do not know why people marry with those they hate. 167 00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:11,022 One can choose who to marry. This is not India. 168 00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:18,112 I love my husband. I laugh at his joke. He is amazing. 169 00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:23,743 But now and then I want to turn to his stupid nylle. 170 00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:29,999 It's not the big things that make one want to kill their true half. 171 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,960 It's small things. 172 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:33,461 Small things. 173 00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:39,258 Why he must ask me where everything is there... 174 00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:42,428 ... all the time... 175 00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:46,683 ... in his own damn house? 176 00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:53,356 As if I were the butler Carson, and we live in Downton Abbey or something. 177 00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:59,821 All day, looped. "Where are the keys? Where is the dog? Where is the garage? " 178 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:09,455 When we got married we were so poor that we lived in a one. 179 00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:11,708 One one. 180 00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:16,337 But he was still mad enough to ask me where everything was. 181 00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,049 "Where is the spatula?" 182 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,427 I like: "Heroes." 183 00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:26,931 Everything we own... 184 00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:33,396 ... is here. So what... 185 00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,525 How lazy are you, really? 186 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,280 But I'm not kidding. 187 00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:45,033 Do not cherish. It happens for deaf ears. 188 00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:46,534 Do as I do: 189 00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:48,995 Use positive reinforcements instead. 190 00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:52,415 Positive. As with Cesar Millan. 191 00:13:55,043 --> 00:13:57,920 "I use calm, determined energies. 192 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,465 I am the leader of the flock. " 193 00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:04,093 So when I see behavior that I want to see more of, 194 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,220 Then I encourage it. 195 00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:12,602 If he does something, I go ahead and say: "Oh, yes. 196 00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:19,025 Do you fill the dishwasher? 197 00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:25,365 Clean disk makes me want to suck things. " 198 00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:32,914 But do not tell me if you do not mean it. 199 00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:36,376 For those wanting to get the gene service soon. 200 00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:41,339 Then you must like: "No!" Or what now that stupid... 201 00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:48,679 No, because it's a short time when women want to do that? 202 00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:52,100 As at the beginning of the relationship, it's best for a guy then. 203 00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:53,810 It's a blast season then. 204 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:59,524 In the beginning we are so happy for the relationship that we suck you for everything. 205 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:02,819 "Did you buy tickets for the stand?" 206 00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,036 "Six McNuggets." 207 00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,502 "Do you open the door to me?" 208 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,097 Then you marry, and it will be: 209 00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:39,105 "Honeymoon aspirations? No, we stopped serving them yesterday. 210 00:15:41,566 --> 00:15:43,818 There is no left on the menu, the guy. " 211 00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:48,072 So be sure to get them while you can. 212 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:54,537 But you have to do it, you have to: "Oh, I love it." 213 00:15:57,999 --> 00:16:01,377 You have to. I do not want to be single. Are you shining? 214 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:05,089 Never, not in this age. 215 00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:06,674 Never. To the women 216 00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:11,596 Can not just get old and fat like in the old good time, you know? 217 00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:16,809 Now we have to keep our foolishness during each time of our lives. 218 00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:18,102 It's strenuous. 219 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:22,440 Kathy Bates is a great spectacle because she has to be. 220 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:35,036 When you fill 30, you push out a kid, and then called "MILF". 221 00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:40,500 Forty, and now I'm a puma. 222 00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:46,422 Then you become a grandmother, and like: "Schyst. I'm out of the system. " 223 00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:49,425 No, then. 224 00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:54,597 This is called a "GILF". 225 00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:59,352 "A grandmother I would like to fuck." 226 00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:02,855 No, not Grandmother. 227 00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:10,905 Not cute grandmother who gives a buttercake caramel! No! 228 00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:15,743 Here is the button. There is nothing for men, huh? 229 00:17:15,826 --> 00:17:18,663 You are not called animal names or acronyms. 230 00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:21,249 You are not called "DILFS". 231 00:17:23,793 --> 00:17:27,380 But that's true, because there are no dads you want to fuck. 232 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:34,387 I know, because I have been at the airports in the Midwest 233 00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,222 and I have seen the fathers there. 234 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,976 I've seen you, dads. 235 00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:43,771 "Really, Dad? Should a woman say: 236 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,232 'Oh, yes. 237 00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,360 The folder. 238 00:17:50,528 --> 00:17:53,614 I love your pale blue jeans. 239 00:17:57,702 --> 00:18:00,371 Is it a brown braided belt? 240 00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:10,715 How do you keep your white New Balance sneakers so white, daddy? 241 00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:18,139 Is it a phone holster? 242 00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:22,643 Call ring, official dad business. 243 00:18:24,979 --> 00:18:30,276 I love that smart lace you have to your glasses. '" 244 00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:37,533 But what ever starts me, dads, is that in your jeans. 245 00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:40,578 It's always that in your jeans. 246 00:18:42,330 --> 00:18:44,415 Because they are sitting so high up... 247 00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:47,835 ... and they are even so tight. 248 00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:51,714 They sit high and tight. 249 00:18:54,425 --> 00:18:55,593 Yes! 250 00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:57,762 You almost see the contour... 251 00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:01,474 ... on the cardiac vagina. 252 00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:09,023 Just next to The Exit Subway Discount Card 253 00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:11,901 In the wallet of the card 254 00:19:15,738 --> 00:19:17,782 Herregud. Who am I? 255 00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:19,867 Who are we? 256 00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:24,622 Herregud. I can not believe I'm a parent. 257 00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:29,543 Or I have to raise a person here. 258 00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:31,420 The world is so messed up. 259 00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:34,423 I feel sorry for this generation. 260 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:38,594 I feel sorry for the millennia because you... Yes. 261 00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:43,265 Because everyone hates you so much. 262 00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:45,893 Do you see? They hate you. 263 00:19:46,977 --> 00:19:48,562 "Yes, kill her. Yes. " I know it's so sick. 264 00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:53,567 And the reason that people of my age do not like you are enough 265 00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:58,155 because you like yourselves so much. 266 00:19:58,239 --> 00:20:02,368 You have self-esteem. 267 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,913 My generation did not have it. We hated ourselves. 268 00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:11,335 Our song was like "Loser" by Beck. 269 00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:15,131 Jo. 270 00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:18,634 But it's not your fault. 271 00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:21,011 What happened to Gen Xers... 272 00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:23,180 I'm a Gen Xer, I suppose, if you are hardening it, but... 273 00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:26,559 ... we overcompensated for our checkout childhood, 274 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:29,937 and corrected the course too much. 275 00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:31,981 Now there is a parent parenting and ancestral parenting, 276 00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:35,735 homeschooling and oskolning, paleodiet and vegandiet. 277 00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:41,240 278 00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:44,785 Nobody can get hurt. Security Obsession. 279 00:20:45,703 --> 00:20:50,082 In my neighborhood children can not even go to the park themselves Without a sign on which it says: "Free child." 280 00:20:50,166 --> 00:20:54,170 Yes, we are all alive for such as we have decided for the long run. 281 00:20:58,048 --> 00:21:01,927 Things like vaccines. 282 00:21:02,011 --> 00:21:04,013 There are people who do not vaccinate their children. 283 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,100 Oh yes. And you know why? 284 00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:10,936 This has happened, partly because of Jenny McCarthy. 285 00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:17,193 You know who Jenny McCarthy is, jadå. 286 00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:19,904 Previous Playboy playmate, author of nine books. 287 00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:25,409 Nine books. 288 00:21:31,540 --> 00:21:33,250 Ernest Hemingway of the sperms. 289 00:21:33,876 --> 00:21:37,004 Then... 290 00:21:39,465 --> 00:21:40,466 That's okay, but Jenny... 291 00:21:45,596 --> 00:21:47,890 What happened was that Jenny... Jenny read a study, 292 00:21:49,099 --> 00:21:52,186 293 00:21:52,686 --> 00:21:54,730 or someone read it for her... 294 00:21:57,024 --> 00:21:59,860 ... and the study linked autism to vaccines. 295 00:21:59,944 --> 00:22:02,446 Later this was rejected, okay? 296 00:22:02,530 --> 00:22:06,325 But meanwhile, the dumb head was with in all the women's talk hats... 297 00:22:07,368 --> 00:22:10,120 ... and told women not to vaccinate their children. 298 00:22:10,204 --> 00:22:13,666 Now there are women in LA who say things like: "Yes... 299 00:22:16,126 --> 00:22:17,795 I do not need to vaccinate it 300 00:22:17,878 --> 00:22:21,507 because it is not found as a cervical or polio. " 301 00:22:23,509 --> 00:22:27,221 No, because of the vaccine, stupid pussy. 302 00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:31,183 Yes. 303 00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:34,562 That's how it works. 304 00:22:35,646 --> 00:22:39,775 Everybody gets a syringe, Then we are all immune to the disease, 305 00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:43,153 but it only works if we all participate. 306 00:22:43,988 --> 00:22:46,740 As a knot calf, or run a bun. 307 00:22:50,828 --> 00:22:55,249 And why do we get advice from the who got married to Wahlberg? 308 00:23:03,507 --> 00:23:05,551 I read about the biggest generation. 309 00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:08,721 It was Americans born during the depression era, 310 00:23:08,804 --> 00:23:10,556 that grew up poor and dirty. 311 00:23:10,639 --> 00:23:11,807 And then... 312 00:23:13,017 --> 00:23:16,812 Then, luckily, they were fighting during World War II. 313 00:23:17,938 --> 00:23:19,440 But here is the thing. 314 00:23:19,523 --> 00:23:20,858 They came from the war 315 00:23:20,941 --> 00:23:25,654 and built our country to the strong economy it had at that time. 316 00:23:26,530 --> 00:23:31,327 Discipline, difficulty, strength. 317 00:23:33,287 --> 00:23:37,041 Now I do not say to this generation... 318 00:23:39,376 --> 00:23:42,254 ... have not had their difficulties. 319 00:23:43,964 --> 00:23:45,883 I mean, who can forget... 320 00:23:47,217 --> 00:23:49,261 ... the great gluten intolerance? 321 00:23:52,514 --> 00:23:57,102 Or the peanut allergies who visit the country's daycare? 322 00:23:57,978 --> 00:23:59,480 Or the phases with 323 00:24:00,189 --> 00:24:01,607 A modem-dialed Internet? 324 00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:03,192 I can not even say that. 325 00:24:06,528 --> 00:24:09,365 But you have renamed Cauliflower to just "cabbage". 326 00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:10,866 It was quite awesome. 327 00:24:12,117 --> 00:24:13,577 It was good, right? 328 00:24:17,498 --> 00:24:18,707 Strunt same. You know what? 329 00:24:18,791 --> 00:24:22,294 The biggest generation also played Call of Duty. 330 00:24:23,045 --> 00:24:26,965 But on real, in the shooting... in France. 331 00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:31,845 There is no uprising in you. No rebellion. 332 00:24:31,929 --> 00:24:35,265 You should hate your parents' music, Do not mix it? 333 00:24:35,349 --> 00:24:36,350 You probably know. 334 00:24:39,228 --> 00:24:40,437 It's not your fault. 335 00:24:40,521 --> 00:24:43,649 We said it is yours. We saw the uprising from you. 336 00:24:43,732 --> 00:24:46,568 And we did it by making you even offended. 337 00:24:46,652 --> 00:24:50,239 It is a full time job. "I'm offended." 338 00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:54,702 Do you know people are being violated of what Justin Bieber tweets? 339 00:24:57,246 --> 00:25:00,749 Like I love. I love Justin Bieber. He is so cute. 340 00:25:00,833 --> 00:25:04,420 He grows into a wonderful Hilary Swank. I admire him. 341 00:25:08,674 --> 00:25:11,927 But he is not offensive. Come on now. 342 00:25:12,010 --> 00:25:16,515 I grew up for a time when there was a bitch called Madonna. 343 00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:22,104 Yes, Madonna, in his "Like a Prayer" video, 344 00:25:22,187 --> 00:25:24,690 she burned cross... 345 00:25:25,983 --> 00:25:29,528 ... and hinged with a black jesus. 346 00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:35,409 Oh! That's shocking. 347 00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:40,038 Especially as we all know that Jesus is white, or how? 348 00:25:40,122 --> 00:25:41,874 High five. Yes. 349 00:25:46,670 --> 00:25:49,214 Racistically, so racist. 350 00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:52,634 Did you see that? 351 00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:59,850 "Make America big again." I heard. 352 00:26:03,437 --> 00:26:04,897 Offended. 353 00:26:04,980 --> 00:26:06,148 It's so stupid. 354 00:26:06,231 --> 00:26:09,651 I grew up in a home where we violated each other. 355 00:26:09,735 --> 00:26:14,615 My parents divorced, Then Mommy married a native. 356 00:26:14,698 --> 00:26:15,574 A fool... 357 00:26:16,241 --> 00:26:17,326 Then... 358 00:26:18,577 --> 00:26:20,454 An Indian! 359 00:26:20,537 --> 00:26:23,999 As in diarrhea, not cowboys. An Indian. 360 00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:30,297 The condemned temple, not dancing with wolves. 361 00:26:34,301 --> 00:26:36,428 7-Eleven, not 911. 362 00:26:40,057 --> 00:26:41,475 That's how it was. 363 00:26:42,518 --> 00:26:43,685 Then it was. 364 00:26:45,562 --> 00:26:48,565 I called him "Turbanator" every day. 365 00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:52,236 Nobody cried for it. 366 00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:55,405 Than late. Do you remember... 367 00:26:56,782 --> 00:26:58,283 Remember when... 368 00:26:58,367 --> 00:27:03,330 Do you remember the time when everyone like had a racist father? 369 00:27:04,456 --> 00:27:07,918 Even if you were not white one dad even hated all other races. 370 00:27:08,627 --> 00:27:11,588 And he said crazy things all the time. 371 00:27:11,672 --> 00:27:15,008 Like: "The Chinese eat up all cookies. 372 00:27:18,220 --> 00:27:19,972 Women can not read. " 373 00:27:22,099 --> 00:27:23,684 I did not enter that. 374 00:27:23,767 --> 00:27:25,894 Do you know how much sexist crap I heard? 375 00:27:25,978 --> 00:27:29,398 Did I define it? Never. 376 00:27:29,481 --> 00:27:31,900 Do not let the outside world say who you are. 377 00:27:31,984 --> 00:27:35,153 Instead, I just said, "Dad is a shit." 378 00:27:35,237 --> 00:27:37,489 And went on with my life. 379 00:27:39,366 --> 00:27:41,368 Do not let them say who you are. 380 00:27:43,453 --> 00:27:44,580 And get rid of it. 381 00:27:44,663 --> 00:27:48,041 Stop trying to make old white men politically correct. 382 00:27:48,125 --> 00:27:49,418 It will not happen. 383 00:27:50,711 --> 00:27:53,672 It will not happen. And the error is not theirs. 384 00:27:53,755 --> 00:27:55,924 For those raised to serial killers. 385 00:27:57,217 --> 00:28:01,638 That's true. Men in your father's age became as little told to not cry. 386 00:28:01,722 --> 00:28:03,849 Do you feel? To say to a guy: 387 00:28:03,932 --> 00:28:05,809 "Stop crying, your knife! 388 00:28:07,144 --> 00:28:08,854 Stop laughing, your gay! " 389 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:17,070 Do you know what happens if boys can not cry? 390 00:28:17,738 --> 00:28:21,533 They grow up to men who punch on the women's sex. 391 00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:26,204 Just that. 392 00:28:30,584 --> 00:28:31,543 I do not know. 393 00:28:31,627 --> 00:28:35,339 I do not know how to breed a boy in today's world. 394 00:28:35,422 --> 00:28:38,967 I mean I can not dress him in blue clothes. 395 00:28:39,801 --> 00:28:42,930 He has not chosen his gender identity yet. 396 00:28:45,933 --> 00:28:50,604 It is child abuse. I have to call him the "baby jungle" or "baby jag". 397 00:28:52,814 --> 00:28:55,901 Have you heard of this with "non-binary"? 398 00:28:57,945 --> 00:29:00,572 Okay. This makes me wonder. I do not know. 399 00:29:00,656 --> 00:29:03,659 There is something... It's not like sexual orientation. 400 00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,911 Not to be gay, straight, bisexual. 401 00:29:05,994 --> 00:29:08,163 It's even gender expression, right? 402 00:29:08,247 --> 00:29:11,500 Then in the morning you can feel: "I am a woman." 403 00:29:11,583 --> 00:29:15,420 And at lunch: "I'm still a guy." You can have an astral queue. 404 00:29:17,381 --> 00:29:19,758 Yes, or a color queue. 405 00:29:20,926 --> 00:29:22,970 You can have an animal sex. 406 00:29:23,053 --> 00:29:25,013 You can ask people to call a for different pronouns, 407 00:29:25,097 --> 00:29:28,058 like "hin, hen, or home". 408 00:29:28,141 --> 00:29:30,227 Imagine declaring non-binary for his dad. 409 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:37,401 My dad said, "Virginly. 410 00:29:39,695 --> 00:29:42,656 We called them only for figs. " 411 00:29:42,739 --> 00:29:44,700 You can not explain for old people. Okay? 412 00:29:47,995 --> 00:29:50,998 Dad does not understand the difference between TV and cable remote. 413 00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:55,711 It was 15 years ago! 414 00:29:55,794 --> 00:29:57,963 But the non-binary "hin-hen"... It has always been. 415 00:30:00,590 --> 00:30:04,303 416 00:30:04,386 --> 00:30:06,638 It's not new, by the way. Not new. 417 00:30:08,056 --> 00:30:11,560 But hin-hen has always been spectacular. 418 00:30:12,769 --> 00:30:14,813 It has always been exceptional. 419 00:30:14,896 --> 00:30:17,774 It has always been like David Bowie. 420 00:30:18,734 --> 00:30:22,279 Not like Keegan who has the juice bar in the health food store. 421 00:30:25,324 --> 00:30:26,450 But strunt the same. 422 00:30:26,533 --> 00:30:31,705 I do not discriminate because of sex, sexual orientation, race or weight. 423 00:30:31,788 --> 00:30:34,124 None of it. I do not judge from it. 424 00:30:35,375 --> 00:30:36,960 I judge the grammar. 425 00:30:39,171 --> 00:30:41,548 Jadå. Sure. 426 00:30:41,631 --> 00:30:46,887 I do not want to hear anyone else say: "Yes and Tom going to the beach", 427 00:30:46,970 --> 00:30:49,222 or "Yes and Stacy will have dinner." 428 00:30:49,306 --> 00:30:52,517 It's not called "yes and it", puckon. 429 00:30:52,601 --> 00:30:54,436 -No sounds... -Yes! 430 00:30:55,103 --> 00:30:57,814 You sound like Kakmonster when you say so. 431 00:30:59,232 --> 00:31:02,694 "Oh, yes, the cake went to the discot. Vojne, vojne! " 432 00:31:04,988 --> 00:31:08,408 I get an aneurysm if I have to hear that again. 433 00:31:11,328 --> 00:31:15,082 You are not borrowing books on "bibbedketket". 434 00:31:16,792 --> 00:31:20,337 You do not go to Starbucks and order an "expresso". 435 00:31:21,421 --> 00:31:23,757 It is not called: "O-regardless." 436 00:31:28,804 --> 00:31:31,848 J.Lo's butt is not "malicious". 437 00:31:33,809 --> 00:31:36,353 And you do not miss "stanima". 438 00:31:41,983 --> 00:31:43,235 Jovisst. 439 00:31:43,318 --> 00:31:45,445 But my personal favorite is: 440 00:31:45,529 --> 00:31:47,406 "Do you know what, Christina? 441 00:31:47,489 --> 00:31:49,741 A sky in the oturen. " 442 00:31:54,037 --> 00:31:56,248 And I answer: "Yes? Up there, then? " 443 00:32:01,545 --> 00:32:04,714 And then Caitlyn Jenner happened. 444 00:32:05,674 --> 00:32:09,469 Are you totally out of Caitlyn Jenner? 445 00:32:10,345 --> 00:32:12,472 I'm so over that. Forget it. 446 00:32:13,765 --> 00:32:17,644 And I'm not kidding Caitlyn because she's a transperson or a member of the LGBT-QRSTUV, sometimes-Y community. 447 00:32:17,727 --> 00:32:24,067 How many letters should we add? 448 00:32:26,445 --> 00:32:28,447 It's like solving the last puzzle in Wheel of Fortune. 449 00:32:28,530 --> 00:32:31,533 "Call me Caitlyn. Call me Caitlyn, for the fan. " 450 00:32:35,078 --> 00:32:38,123 Okay, for hell. 451 00:32:38,206 --> 00:32:39,624 We have called you Bruce for 70 years. Give us a minute! 452 00:32:41,251 --> 00:32:44,546 We'll be there, at last. 453 00:32:45,672 --> 00:32:47,299 "Caitlyn." Caitlyn is not a sexy girl name. 454 00:32:48,842 --> 00:32:52,512 You can think that if you have expected 70 years to become a woman 455 00:32:52,596 --> 00:32:55,724 One would probably choose a sexy name. 456 00:32:55,807 --> 00:32:58,852 One of her friends could have said: "Listen now. 457 00:32:58,935 --> 00:33:01,980 Caitlyn is no sexy name. 458 00:33:03,190 --> 00:33:05,984 Caitlyn pays tax. 459 00:33:07,068 --> 00:33:09,070 But Krystal? 460 00:33:11,364 --> 00:33:12,616 461 00:33:14,951 --> 00:33:16,161 She's a hora. 462 00:33:18,455 --> 00:33:21,917 Caitlyn would probably suck you off. 463 00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:23,168 But Krystal? 464 00:33:23,835 --> 00:33:25,420 She lickes your asshole. " 465 00:33:28,673 --> 00:33:29,925 Yes, yes. 466 00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:33,553 The honest truth why I'm annoyed at Caitlyn 467 00:33:33,637 --> 00:33:38,767 is because it all happened, and it was as if the sky opened and down the rain comedies. 468 00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:41,311 All comedians said: "Yes! Katjing! Here comes something good! 469 00:33:42,354 --> 00:33:47,025 Bruce is Caitlyn now. Come on. " 470 00:33:47,108 --> 00:33:49,110 But we did not make fun of her. 471 00:33:50,153 --> 00:33:52,030 No one got to work with Caitlyn Jenner because Caitlyn Jenner is a hero! 472 00:33:52,113 --> 00:33:57,619 Caitlyn Jenner is a hero! 473 00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:01,998 Sure, Caitlyn Jenner is a hero. 474 00:34:03,166 --> 00:34:05,919 But let's not forget the other hero, Photoshop. 475 00:34:06,753 --> 00:34:10,131 Am I right? Okay? A little… 476 00:34:10,215 --> 00:34:12,217 477 00:34:13,802 --> 00:34:16,054 But it's still miserable. 478 00:34:20,433 --> 00:34:23,019 "Christina, that's transfobic." 479 00:34:23,103 --> 00:34:26,606 Yes, she wants to be a woman. Time to be criticized as a dawn. 480 00:34:31,486 --> 00:34:34,155 Oh! Welcome to the sisterhood, bitch! 481 00:34:36,741 --> 00:34:39,452 Fan get you because you go with after menopause. 482 00:34:44,332 --> 00:34:46,585 She can handle it. Caitlyn is an adult. 483 00:34:46,668 --> 00:34:48,461 She can handle the joke. 484 00:34:49,296 --> 00:34:53,383 She is a member of the most famous family in the world. 485 00:34:54,259 --> 00:34:57,220 And the TV Series: Keeping Up With the Kardashians. 486 00:34:57,304 --> 00:34:59,931 Hello, I'm so less on it. 487 00:35:00,015 --> 00:35:02,601 I love the title. It is completely misleading. 488 00:35:02,684 --> 00:35:05,020 Keeping Up With the Kardashians. 489 00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:08,565 Keep a steady beat with them? What are the women involved in? 490 00:35:10,859 --> 00:35:13,320 Digging the wells in Uganda? 491 00:35:15,238 --> 00:35:17,741 Do you eat Romanian orphans? 492 00:35:18,825 --> 00:35:21,244 No, they wax the fittan. 493 00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:30,045 It's our fault, women. We look at the shit. 494 00:35:30,128 --> 00:35:31,880 Then it's spinoff program. 495 00:35:31,963 --> 00:35:37,802 Like Kourtney and Kim do New York and Kourtney and Kim do Miami. 496 00:35:39,262 --> 00:35:42,182 But not Kourtney and Kim do algebra? 497 00:35:45,226 --> 00:35:47,604 Then I had seen all sections of it. 498 00:35:50,398 --> 00:35:52,776 "Lord. Mathematics is difficult. 499 00:35:54,903 --> 00:35:57,530 Can I not just suck someone to do this? " 500 00:35:59,699 --> 00:36:02,369 You're lucky, Kim. Made Miami Heat is in town. 501 00:36:06,039 --> 00:36:08,500 No, as if the guys could mat. 502 00:36:11,544 --> 00:36:14,589 Kourtney and Kim. What the hell? 503 00:36:16,675 --> 00:36:18,635 The girls were not rich 504 00:36:18,718 --> 00:36:21,721 It would be hot: Kourtney and Kim take the order. 505 00:36:24,849 --> 00:36:26,685 But I do not know. They are okay. 506 00:36:26,768 --> 00:36:28,603 They are cute. That's great. 507 00:36:28,687 --> 00:36:33,024 But I... I do not like narcissism. 508 00:36:33,108 --> 00:36:35,860 They are just for narcissistic. Whole... 509 00:36:35,944 --> 00:36:39,572 What is it called if you take a picture of itself over and over again? 510 00:36:39,656 --> 00:36:41,449 -What is it called? -Selfie. 511 00:36:41,533 --> 00:36:43,660 Mental Disease. Thanks. Oh yeah. 512 00:36:48,123 --> 00:36:50,792 "Do you love me, daddy? Now, then? " 513 00:36:52,711 --> 00:36:55,922 "If I get enough with 'likes' then the emptiness is filled in the heart." 514 00:37:01,428 --> 00:37:03,471 I do not know. I grew up in a... 515 00:37:03,555 --> 00:37:06,182 We grew up in a crazy, resilient time. 516 00:37:06,266 --> 00:37:09,602 Do you know that our generation is considered to be the least-behaved? 517 00:37:09,686 --> 00:37:11,771 Jo. Check out Wikipedia. It stands with. 518 00:37:12,689 --> 00:37:15,900 The least cared for. And we had to deal with whole-hearted things. 519 00:37:15,984 --> 00:37:18,903 Like crack. 520 00:37:18,987 --> 00:37:20,739 And AIDS. 521 00:37:20,822 --> 00:37:22,323 And Friends. 522 00:37:28,121 --> 00:37:30,915 I remember when AIDS was new and unfamiliar. 523 00:37:30,999 --> 00:37:34,169 Nobody knew how to get it. People said things like: 524 00:37:34,252 --> 00:37:36,796 "You can get aids from toasitsar on musicals." 525 00:37:36,880 --> 00:37:38,173 We had no idea. 526 00:37:41,301 --> 00:37:43,970 I like that joking much more than you. 527 00:37:45,722 --> 00:37:48,475 I'll never stop telling you. Never. 528 00:37:48,558 --> 00:37:50,059 It's for me. Only for me. 529 00:37:51,352 --> 00:37:54,147 Yes, We were the least-behaved generation. 530 00:37:54,230 --> 00:37:57,484 We were key children. Do you know what it is, Millennie? 531 00:37:57,567 --> 00:37:59,569 "Is that important child?" No, then. 532 00:38:03,615 --> 00:38:05,992 Okay, key child... It worked like this. 533 00:38:06,075 --> 00:38:08,036 One got a key to his home 534 00:38:08,119 --> 00:38:11,206 and you went to high school or something 535 00:38:11,289 --> 00:38:13,583 and when the school was over, 536 00:38:13,666 --> 00:38:17,837 so instead of arranging proper childcare... 537 00:38:19,756 --> 00:38:23,218 ... unlocked and went home, at home. 538 00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:24,344 And then... 539 00:38:30,141 --> 00:38:31,643 I do not know. 540 00:38:31,726 --> 00:38:34,479 You could be alive when mom came home. 541 00:38:35,396 --> 00:38:39,067 And we ate horrible food that we could only heat in a microwave 542 00:38:39,150 --> 00:38:42,028 because we could not have the oven until mom arrived. 543 00:38:43,488 --> 00:38:48,910 I grew up on a still white garbage diet with fried potatoes, 544 00:38:48,993 --> 00:38:53,081 frozen pizza with that fake cheese that was not cheese, it was rubber... 545 00:38:54,207 --> 00:38:56,751 ... and spaghetti with meatballs on the jar. 546 00:38:56,835 --> 00:38:59,879 The fake meatballs were so good. 547 00:38:59,963 --> 00:39:03,258 One ate and got a ring ring ring... 548 00:39:05,552 --> 00:39:06,678 ... around the mouth since. 549 00:39:06,761 --> 00:39:08,763 People asked: "Do you have lipstick?" "No, I'm eating a brilliant healthy diet." 550 00:39:08,847 --> 00:39:11,558 But still today my choice would be the last meal macaroni and cheese. 551 00:39:16,396 --> 00:39:21,234 552 00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:25,238 It's my favorite! I love the shit! 553 00:39:25,321 --> 00:39:30,326 My husband grew up with two parents who never threw food on each other. 554 00:39:37,333 --> 00:39:40,253 So he did not know how to make macaroni and cheese. 555 00:39:40,962 --> 00:39:42,505 Okay. 556 00:39:42,589 --> 00:39:44,799 I said: "You can take your whole life... 557 00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:47,719 I'll show you how to do it. " 558 00:39:47,802 --> 00:39:50,430 So I showed how to make macaroni and cheese 559 00:39:50,513 --> 00:39:54,267 and explained to him that it is never enough with cheese. 560 00:39:55,018 --> 00:39:58,354 There is never enough orange cheese powder. 561 00:40:00,064 --> 00:40:01,482 It's never cheesy enough! 562 00:40:02,275 --> 00:40:05,111 He said: "You can open one for a packet... 563 00:40:11,701 --> 00:40:14,120 ... and take the powder from it... 564 00:40:17,165 --> 00:40:19,083 ... and pour it on the first. " 565 00:40:21,836 --> 00:40:24,672 I said: "To hell, we are not millionaires! 566 00:40:27,592 --> 00:40:30,053 Oh, you, Rockefeller. 567 00:40:31,471 --> 00:40:34,641 You certainly pay for streaming music, too? " 568 00:40:42,899 --> 00:40:47,987 We had things like PSA, public service messages. 569 00:40:48,071 --> 00:40:50,156 They taught one to educate themselves. 570 00:40:51,699 --> 00:40:53,534 There were commercials on tv 571 00:40:53,618 --> 00:40:57,789 who taught the children how to fail to light fire on themselves. 572 00:41:00,458 --> 00:41:03,586 And little Emmanuel Lewis came out... Little Webster... 573 00:41:06,839 --> 00:41:09,717 "Hi, we know you love to play with matches. 574 00:41:09,801 --> 00:41:11,636 No one will tell you to stop. 575 00:41:15,056 --> 00:41:16,766 But if you light fire on you, 576 00:41:16,849 --> 00:41:19,477 stop, drop and roll or anything. Your problem. 577 00:41:21,729 --> 00:41:23,189 There is something to grow off. 578 00:41:25,066 --> 00:41:26,526 Except for me. 579 00:41:28,903 --> 00:41:30,488 I'm small, forever. " 580 00:41:34,951 --> 00:41:40,623 And there was a dog in detective suit. 581 00:41:41,374 --> 00:41:43,042 McGruff! 582 00:41:43,126 --> 00:41:47,630 Ironically, the detective's costume looked like a pedophile... 583 00:41:48,798 --> 00:41:49,757 ... outfit. 584 00:41:49,841 --> 00:41:53,469 And he had a scary east coast accent. 585 00:41:53,553 --> 00:41:55,346 He said, "Hello, kids! 586 00:41:56,973 --> 00:42:01,894 Do you see a man with a van in an alley who wants to show you something, do not look! 587 00:42:01,978 --> 00:42:03,271 He's going to put you on! 588 00:42:07,108 --> 00:42:10,653 Take a piece of my dick... I mean crimes! Crime. " 589 00:42:15,241 --> 00:42:17,535 It's interesting when you get children 590 00:42:17,618 --> 00:42:20,538 One starts to think How was you raised yourself? 591 00:42:20,621 --> 00:42:24,000 And my therapist always says things like: 592 00:42:24,083 --> 00:42:28,796 "Christina, your parents did as much as they could." 593 00:42:30,423 --> 00:42:31,632 Not really. 594 00:42:33,634 --> 00:42:34,635 No. 595 00:42:36,012 --> 00:42:39,307 But I feel empathy for them because they were immigrants. 596 00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:41,726 My parents lived a hard life. 597 00:42:41,809 --> 00:42:45,772 They fled from Hungary under communism, 598 00:42:45,855 --> 00:42:49,067 and for you that may not remember that... 599 00:42:51,736 --> 00:42:56,657 ... Communism was when Rocky fought against Ivan Drago. 600 00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:06,209 So my parents fled from a country full of murder, poverty and corruption 601 00:43:06,292 --> 00:43:08,294 and moved to Detroit. 602 00:43:11,089 --> 00:43:12,924 Yes, that was a lateral move. 603 00:43:17,386 --> 00:43:19,847 My mom is gone now. 604 00:43:19,931 --> 00:43:22,058 But she was really crazy. 605 00:43:22,141 --> 00:43:26,270 And not as when comedians step up here and say: 606 00:43:26,354 --> 00:43:28,773 "My mom is so crazy. 607 00:43:28,856 --> 00:43:32,735 Once, she mixed ranch dressing with Thousand Island dressing. " 608 00:43:34,195 --> 00:43:37,490 No, my mother was really unoccupied. 609 00:43:37,573 --> 00:43:41,702 She had foil on the windows to block foreign frequencies. 610 00:43:42,578 --> 00:43:46,874 Would not use the phone or send email. "They List!" 611 00:43:48,501 --> 00:43:50,253 They do, obviously. 612 00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:52,505 Another story. 613 00:43:52,588 --> 00:43:54,841 Mom is always right. 614 00:43:56,050 --> 00:44:00,930 I still have my dad, and he's like a tough guy from the east. 615 00:44:01,013 --> 00:44:03,975 He was a forklift mechanic his entire life. 616 00:44:04,058 --> 00:44:06,686 He eats sausage three times a day. 617 00:44:07,895 --> 00:44:10,898 Hate feelings, love Speedos. It's my dad. 618 00:44:13,818 --> 00:44:18,030 Dad really loved the family dog. 619 00:44:18,114 --> 00:44:20,241 Like dogs, it usually went and died. 620 00:44:20,324 --> 00:44:24,829 Then he told me memories about the family's dog. 621 00:44:24,912 --> 00:44:26,038 He said, "Christika, 622 00:44:26,998 --> 00:44:29,917 fan i loved that dog 623 00:44:32,128 --> 00:44:35,715 When I get home from work he is happy to see me. 624 00:44:36,507 --> 00:44:40,511 I'm going to piss, he is following me. 625 00:44:42,180 --> 00:44:44,265 I feel so much love for it. 626 00:44:44,348 --> 00:44:45,892 I know... What's the name? 627 00:44:46,559 --> 00:44:48,436 Unconditional love. 628 00:44:51,731 --> 00:44:54,650 I do not feel like someone else. " 629 00:44:59,655 --> 00:45:01,824 Oh yes. Our son would learn to go. 630 00:45:01,908 --> 00:45:05,119 The most amazing moment in a parent's life. 631 00:45:05,202 --> 00:45:07,330 "Hello, my little darling goes." 632 00:45:07,413 --> 00:45:10,291 And my dad was there, we encouraged him. 633 00:45:10,374 --> 00:45:13,544 We said: "Come on, baby, you can do it, Ellis! 634 00:45:13,628 --> 00:45:16,589 Good job, good job! " 635 00:45:16,672 --> 00:45:17,715 My dad said: 636 00:45:18,549 --> 00:45:21,385 "What the hell, come on now. 637 00:45:21,469 --> 00:45:24,555 All these: 'good work, good job.' 638 00:45:26,891 --> 00:45:29,060 How about that at the end of the day... 639 00:45:30,144 --> 00:45:31,854 ... say 'good job' once? ' 640 00:45:36,901 --> 00:45:39,779 We are a Russian gymnast. So you have to... 641 00:45:42,448 --> 00:45:45,201 My therapist says I'm too negative 642 00:45:45,284 --> 00:45:48,913 so I want to finish this special with something positive. 643 00:45:49,914 --> 00:45:51,290 Let's talk about death. 644 00:45:53,542 --> 00:45:55,294 Jippi! Okay, so good. Yes! 645 00:45:56,504 --> 00:45:57,838 Oh, so fun! 646 00:45:58,839 --> 00:46:03,511 I hate when old celebrities die. But not if they are young. 647 00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:07,682 Is there any young, I get excited. "Is Macaulay Culkin finally gone?" 648 00:46:10,351 --> 00:46:12,770 It will happen anytime now. 649 00:46:12,853 --> 00:46:14,355 Just do it. 650 00:46:17,608 --> 00:46:21,028 I hate it just because in LA when old celebrities die 651 00:46:21,112 --> 00:46:23,906 That's the news 24 hours a day. 652 00:46:23,990 --> 00:46:25,950 I remember when Nancy Reagan died. 653 00:46:26,033 --> 00:46:28,119 They said like: "Oh! 654 00:46:28,202 --> 00:46:31,163 Nancy Reagan is dead at the age of 94! 655 00:46:32,999 --> 00:46:35,835 A tragic and too early death... 656 00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:38,504 ... for Nancy Reagan. " 657 00:46:38,587 --> 00:46:40,256 And you like, what? 658 00:46:41,132 --> 00:46:45,720 What did you really think would happen to Nance this year? 659 00:46:45,803 --> 00:46:49,515 Did you think she would start with CrossFit and learn to speak Mandarin? 660 00:46:52,560 --> 00:46:54,353 Ninefree years! 661 00:46:54,437 --> 00:46:55,730 One should not live for so long. 662 00:46:55,813 --> 00:47:00,484 Did you know that during the Middle Ages at 35? Thirty five, and the light goes out. 663 00:47:01,527 --> 00:47:03,404 And they died of crazy things with. 664 00:47:03,487 --> 00:47:06,240 A dragon could come down from heaven! 665 00:47:07,908 --> 00:47:09,493 And sprinkle fire on one! 666 00:47:10,911 --> 00:47:13,164 Orcs with machetes could only... 667 00:47:15,332 --> 00:47:17,418 They shared people in the middle. 668 00:47:18,419 --> 00:47:20,046 Ninety four? 669 00:47:20,129 --> 00:47:22,506 What to do with so much life? 670 00:47:23,507 --> 00:47:26,135 I'm not suicidal or so. 671 00:47:26,218 --> 00:47:27,887 I love life. 672 00:47:27,970 --> 00:47:30,639 I'm a goddess. I have created life. 673 00:47:32,641 --> 00:47:36,395 But there's only so much crap you can do here on the planet. 674 00:47:36,479 --> 00:47:37,480 Do you understand me? 675 00:47:37,563 --> 00:47:41,317 You are born, hopefully, in a developed country, right? 676 00:47:42,526 --> 00:47:46,739 With some luck you have two parents. One may be reasonably normal. 677 00:47:47,823 --> 00:47:51,660 Man goes to high school and learns to smoke. 678 00:47:52,787 --> 00:47:54,288 You become a goth-dumpster. 679 00:48:00,169 --> 00:48:04,090 A nice guy drives a finger in a behind the racketball courts. 680 00:48:07,510 --> 00:48:10,763 Summer 1991 is at the Lollapalooza Festival 681 00:48:10,846 --> 00:48:14,016 and takes two syrapills instead of a... 682 00:48:15,309 --> 00:48:18,854 ... flips out and gets crazy under Jane's Addictions "Ocean Size." 683 00:48:18,938 --> 00:48:20,773 You run out and regret it evenly, 684 00:48:20,856 --> 00:48:23,734 because they were split up and you never saw them. 685 00:48:26,612 --> 00:48:28,280 You go to college. 686 00:48:28,364 --> 00:48:30,074 And studying philosophy. 687 00:48:30,157 --> 00:48:31,492 Taking exam, 688 00:48:31,575 --> 00:48:34,745 just to discover that no one is hiring philosophers. 689 00:48:42,461 --> 00:48:45,714 You get a job, 22 years for four years, 690 00:48:45,798 --> 00:48:47,967 which you leave, or kicked off, 691 00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:50,803 until you find something that you like to do, 692 00:48:50,886 --> 00:48:54,974 and hold on to it and hold out, week after week, 693 00:48:55,057 --> 00:49:00,521 in shellfish restaurants, hibachi grills, dive bars and stands clubs 694 00:49:00,604 --> 00:49:04,400 until finally, finally, after 14 damn years, 695 00:49:04,483 --> 00:49:07,945 when they give one's own fucking stand up special, in Seattle! 696 00:49:09,321 --> 00:49:10,447 Yes! 697 00:49:12,408 --> 00:49:13,576 Yes! 698 00:49:18,330 --> 00:49:19,540 Yes, yes. 699 00:49:23,419 --> 00:49:28,799 You marry, squeeze some kids, and get a home loan. 700 00:49:28,883 --> 00:49:33,012 You stand up and make the mistake to put you at the front. 701 00:49:35,931 --> 00:49:37,391 You go home. 702 00:49:37,474 --> 00:49:40,144 You're kidding. Ni bajsar. 703 00:49:42,354 --> 00:49:43,981 And then you die. 704 00:49:45,316 --> 00:49:46,859 And that's all. 705 00:49:46,942 --> 00:49:49,737 If you are not Buddhists. Then you rinse, and do it all over again. 706 00:49:52,656 --> 00:49:54,408 And that's life! 707 00:49:58,037 --> 00:49:59,580 It's life. 708 00:49:59,663 --> 00:50:01,874 That's fine, because it's finite. 709 00:50:01,957 --> 00:50:04,418 There is a beginning, a middle and an end. 710 00:50:04,501 --> 00:50:07,087 But some people do not want to leave their lives. 711 00:50:07,963 --> 00:50:10,507 Some people become greedy with life. 712 00:50:11,091 --> 00:50:12,968 Giriga damn. 713 00:50:14,094 --> 00:50:17,014 Like Dick Clark. 714 00:50:20,100 --> 00:50:22,978 You remember Dick Clark, right? 715 00:50:23,062 --> 00:50:26,941 He hosted American Bandstand and New Year's Rockin 'Eve. 716 00:50:27,858 --> 00:50:31,153 He was good. He was on television from the time the TV was invented. 717 00:50:31,237 --> 00:50:33,906 Pretty literally. Literally. 718 00:50:33,989 --> 00:50:36,825 And he was really good at his job. 719 00:50:36,909 --> 00:50:38,369 Until one day... 720 00:50:39,536 --> 00:50:41,121 ... when Dickie got a stroke. 721 00:50:42,498 --> 00:50:43,707 And I mean a... 722 00:50:51,966 --> 00:50:53,592 A real stroke. 723 00:50:54,176 --> 00:50:55,511 It was bad. 724 00:50:56,303 --> 00:50:58,264 Great Taste. As... 725 00:50:58,347 --> 00:51:01,100 Have you seen a 15 year old chihuahua? 726 00:51:03,686 --> 00:51:05,354 A really old chihuahua? 727 00:51:05,437 --> 00:51:09,984 One who is blind to one eye, with partly cold fur, and it chews there. 728 00:51:12,569 --> 00:51:15,447 But with an ironic name like Sunshine or Hope. 729 00:51:19,201 --> 00:51:20,828 This was Dick Clark, then. 730 00:51:22,246 --> 00:51:26,709 I know, and you might think that someone working with TV, 731 00:51:26,792 --> 00:51:29,586 where this is very important... 732 00:51:30,879 --> 00:51:32,673 ... would stop working after that. 733 00:51:34,341 --> 00:51:35,759 But not old Dickie. 734 00:51:37,094 --> 00:51:39,722 The narcissistic idiot... 735 00:51:40,973 --> 00:51:45,144 ... refused to end host New Year's Rockin 'Eve, 736 00:51:45,769 --> 00:51:50,149 because he was convinced that he was the only one in the entertainment industry that could count back from ten to one. 737 00:51:50,232 --> 00:51:52,943 I did not see the last time as he hosted the New Year program, 738 00:51:55,696 --> 00:51:59,783 but I'd like to imitate it for you now, if I get... 739 00:51:59,867 --> 00:52:03,787 I guess I have to. Okay! 740 00:52:07,374 --> 00:52:09,460 Then we drive. 741 00:52:11,170 --> 00:52:12,588 Dick Clark to host New Year's Rockin 'Eve, one last time. 742 00:52:12,671 --> 00:52:16,800 Hello, we are sending live from Times Square. 743 00:52:18,427 --> 00:52:22,181 We have Dick Clark down on the ground. 744 00:52:22,264 --> 00:52:24,933 Dick, can you tell us how all handsome girls and boys look tonight? 745 00:52:25,017 --> 00:52:30,022 I can see their fittor! 746 00:52:51,418 --> 00:52:53,754 747 00:52:58,550 --> 00:53:01,470 Dick, we never know what to say. 748 00:53:03,097 --> 00:53:05,849 You can just count us now, Dick? 749 00:53:05,933 --> 00:53:08,977 Take and count down time for us. 750 00:53:13,899 --> 00:53:14,900 Ten... 751 00:53:17,945 --> 00:53:19,321 ... four... 752 00:53:21,615 --> 00:53:23,909 Salmon is very good 753 00:53:25,536 --> 00:53:29,873 Jösses, puertooricanans fuck basically in the middle of the street, right? 754 00:53:35,379 --> 00:53:37,381 Yes, it was all for us tonight. 755 00:53:41,593 --> 00:53:43,720 I would definitely have looked at it. 756 00:53:45,597 --> 00:53:48,142 I think my therapist is right. 757 00:53:48,225 --> 00:53:50,018 I'm too negative. 758 00:53:50,978 --> 00:53:53,730 Therefore I should be positive about death. 759 00:53:55,524 --> 00:53:57,985 Here's my suggestion to you, Seattle. 760 00:53:59,153 --> 00:54:02,114 Give me the last two weeks of your life 761 00:54:02,197 --> 00:54:05,951 Then we will go on your last cruise. 762 00:54:07,202 --> 00:54:08,495 Listen to me clearly. 763 00:54:09,788 --> 00:54:12,708 I get a nice ship. A great find. 764 00:54:12,791 --> 00:54:15,586 No Carnival Epa Skit. Without… 765 00:54:17,129 --> 00:54:19,715 Like such a Italian, you know? 766 00:54:19,798 --> 00:54:24,470 Embark on my boat, and I'll give you a bag of black tar-like heroin... 767 00:54:27,431 --> 00:54:28,974 ... and some dirty needles. 768 00:54:29,057 --> 00:54:30,726 Who cares, right? 769 00:54:33,604 --> 00:54:35,981 We can take all drugs you have wanted to test. 770 00:54:36,064 --> 00:54:39,234 Like LSD, GHB, DMT. 771 00:54:39,318 --> 00:54:41,862 We call Cosby and get tranquilizers. 772 00:54:45,365 --> 00:54:46,783 Crystal meth. Cocaine. 773 00:54:46,867 --> 00:54:49,953 We get so tall that we rub the teeth to crumbs. 774 00:54:54,958 --> 00:54:58,253 We get the cosmic insight that there is only one of us. 775 00:54:58,337 --> 00:55:01,840 We are all spokes on the only wheel of human existence. 776 00:55:01,924 --> 00:55:05,969 There is no man, no woman, no black or white, 777 00:55:06,053 --> 00:55:07,471 There is no non-binary... 778 00:55:07,554 --> 00:55:09,014 There is no non-binary. 779 00:55:14,478 --> 00:55:18,357 We are all manifestations of a single lovely, loving creature. 780 00:55:18,440 --> 00:55:22,528 Love is the only thing that matters. The only thing that is real. 781 00:55:22,611 --> 00:55:24,154 Control is an illusion. 782 00:55:24,238 --> 00:55:27,366 The only thing you can control are the thoughts in your head, 783 00:55:27,449 --> 00:55:30,953 And as Socrates said, ı the unexplored life is not worth it. 784 00:55:31,036 --> 00:55:32,955 And as Bill and Ted said: 785 00:55:33,038 --> 00:55:35,249 "Be excellent to each other." 786 00:55:37,918 --> 00:55:40,128 Yes, thank you. Thanks. 787 00:55:44,925 --> 00:55:48,554 And after that buffet, because we have probably not eaten in four days. 788 00:55:49,680 --> 00:55:52,224 And there's everything you've ever wanted. 789 00:55:52,307 --> 00:55:55,519 There are macaroni and cheese with a lot of orange cheese powder. 790 00:55:57,187 --> 00:56:00,983 Burk paste. As many cans you want to eat. 791 00:56:01,066 --> 00:56:03,735 There is a chocolate fountain for penis. 792 00:56:03,819 --> 00:56:05,445 "Check me out!" 793 00:56:07,990 --> 00:56:11,201 We have taken drugs and we have eaten. 794 00:56:12,536 --> 00:56:14,413 Now it's time for some sex. 795 00:56:15,539 --> 00:56:17,207 Oh, six. 796 00:56:18,000 --> 00:56:20,294 And that's Sodom and Gomorrah. 797 00:56:22,129 --> 00:56:24,464 All make gang violence. 798 00:56:26,883 --> 00:56:29,928 There is so much fucking and sucking 799 00:56:30,012 --> 00:56:33,140 and 69, or anything. 800 00:56:34,474 --> 00:56:36,018 And there is so much sperm. 801 00:56:37,769 --> 00:56:39,354 There is so much of it. 802 00:56:39,438 --> 00:56:42,190 And just when you think that there is no more... 803 00:56:43,483 --> 00:56:45,485 ... then Katy Perry will be on board. 804 00:56:47,321 --> 00:56:49,823 And she sucks off all the guys. 805 00:56:50,699 --> 00:56:56,580 But no wives or girlfriends get angry because Ryan Gosling comes on board. 806 00:56:58,040 --> 00:57:01,001 And he listens to all of us. 807 00:57:03,128 --> 00:57:04,546 Lovely! 808 00:57:05,714 --> 00:57:06,632 Lovely. 809 00:57:06,715 --> 00:57:08,467 Ok so that's all. 810 00:57:08,550 --> 00:57:13,430 It's the end of the two weeks and we have celebrated so much we hurried. 811 00:57:13,513 --> 00:57:14,973 That's all. It is over. 812 00:57:15,057 --> 00:57:18,060 And then I take the catapult. 813 00:57:21,438 --> 00:57:23,732 Seattle knows where to lead. 814 00:57:25,359 --> 00:57:26,693 Some cities do not. 815 00:57:28,236 --> 00:57:31,657 I bring the catapult, put you in it and... 816 00:57:32,824 --> 00:57:35,369 ... I shoot you in the sea, 817 00:57:35,452 --> 00:57:38,956 and you are eaten by a megalodon shark. 818 00:57:40,374 --> 00:57:41,875 But corner, they are there. 819 00:57:43,043 --> 00:57:45,545 The shark eats you and melts you. 820 00:57:46,338 --> 00:57:48,006 It's shining out. 821 00:57:48,090 --> 00:57:50,509 Since father is soul up to heaven. 822 00:57:52,219 --> 00:57:56,223 For in my world, we all end up in heaven. 823 00:57:57,975 --> 00:58:00,769 Exactly. And you meet God. 824 00:58:01,895 --> 00:58:03,480 And murderers. 825 00:58:04,523 --> 00:58:06,316 That's Dick Clark! 826 00:58:07,985 --> 00:58:11,655 "Puertoricans are kidding everywhere!" 827 00:58:11,738 --> 00:58:14,241 Thank you very much, everyone! 828 00:58:14,324 --> 00:58:15,659 What a wonderful evening! 829 00:58:15,742 --> 00:58:17,911 Thank you very much for coming here!