1
00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:17,839
That's Gene Krupa on the drums, folks.

2
00:02:17,929 --> 00:02:19,261
And if you believe that...

3
00:02:19,348 --> 00:02:21,180
No, that's yours truly
on the skins there, folks.

4
00:02:21,266 --> 00:02:22,507
<i>Robert Crane. Robert Crane.</i>

5
00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:24,217
Sometimes I wish I was Gene Krupa.

6
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:25,927
I think I was born in a different era.

7
00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:27,307
<i>That's one of the most
sterling thoughts I've ever heard.</i>

8
00:02:27,397 --> 00:02:28,763
<i>Robert Crane. Robert Crane.</i>

9
00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:29,847
Enough!

10
00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:33,150
This is KNX CBS-1070 on the A.M. dial.

11
00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:35,273
93.1 on the F.M. dial.

12
00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:37,481
It is beautiful in Hollywood,
they tell me.

13
00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,861
72 degrees outside right now.

14
00:02:39,951 --> 00:02:41,863
9:25 on the KNX clock.

15
00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:44,411
Yes, Jack. I know.

16
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:45,864
I'll get to him.

17
00:02:45,957 --> 00:02:49,246
That's Jackie Chapman, our
distinguished engineer, there knocking.

18
00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:52,124
Jack will be appearing later today
at the Ralph's market

19
00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:54,547
in the fresh fruit section,
if I'm not mistaken.

20
00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:56,795
Ha Ha.

21
00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:58,922
As you regular listeners know,
from time to time

22
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,753
we have special guests here in the studio.

23
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,930
And today, somebody truly special...

24
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:06,726
Mr. Clayton Moore, the Lone Ranger,
right over here.

25
00:03:06,812 --> 00:03:09,520
And I've always wanted
to do this with you.

26
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,394
- Hi-yo, Silver.
- Hi-yo, Silver, away.

27
00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:14,567
I never get tired of that.

28
00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:17,441
Do people recognize you
when you're out in public?

29
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,238
No. No, not really.

30
00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:22,408
Can we get you to expose
yourself today on radio?

31
00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:24,235
Take off the mask, reveal your identity?

32
00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:26,241
For you, Bob, sure.

33
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:28,163
Coming up next, it's a KNX first.

34
00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,537
We've got the Lone Ranger, and he's naked.

35
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:31,788
Don't tell Tonto.

36
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,585
No. No, of course not.

37
00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:36,540
First up, a word from our sponsor...
Lucky Strike cigarettes.

38
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,810
<i>I always wanted to make an impression.</i>

39
00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:54,481
<i>You know the type.</i>

40
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:57,311
<i>There's one in every class... the cutup.</i>

41
00:03:57,404 --> 00:04:00,818
<i>Eddie Cantor once told me,
"Likeability is 90% of the battle."</i>

42
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,569
<i>And he was right.</i>

43
00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:05,493
<i>Well, that's me.</i>

44
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,662
<i>I'm a likeable guy.</i>

45
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,076
Bob, sit.

46
00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:16,587
Please.

47
00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:19,290
I'm emceeing a lunch in an hour.

48
00:04:19,384 --> 00:04:20,670
Humor me.

49
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,718
Those the contracts I need to sign?

50
00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:23,965
Sit!

51
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,225
You should have been
at Nate 'n AI's this morning.

52
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:31,473
Your ears would have been burning.

53
00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:36,854
I had breakfast with the boys from CBS.
I got something very interesting for you.

54
00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,775
This could be what you're looking for.

55
00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:41,354
What?

56
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,360
- A television series.
- Good-bye, Lenny.

57
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:46,113
Come on! Listen to me for two seconds.
Stop running, will you?

58
00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:47,785
I thought after <i>Donna Reed</i> fell apart,

59
00:04:47,871 --> 00:04:49,783
you were going to get me
a Jack Lemmon-type role.

60
00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:52,490
A feature. It's a critical time for me.

61
00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:54,541
I need something big.

62
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,335
I can be Jack Lemmon.

63
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:59,209
You are Jack Lemmon,
and you're Jack Benny.

64
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,291
- Then get me a role.
- That's what this is!

65
00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:03,967
You're Lemmon and Benny combined.
They want you for the lead.

66
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:09,132
Just promise me you'll keep
an open mind. You ready?

67
00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:13,469
It's set in a German prison camp.

68
00:05:14,773 --> 00:05:16,605
It's a drama?

69
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:18,523
No, it's a comedy.

70
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,276
Oh, with the funny Nazis.

71
00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:25,440
Uh, it's a P.O.W. camp.

72
00:05:25,534 --> 00:05:27,116
With a laugh track?

73
00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:30,570
Hey. This is first-class
all the way, my friend.

74
00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:35,499
Bing Crosby Productions doing it for CBS.

75
00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:37,622
This sounds like it
could be a career-killer.

76
00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:47,337
Just read it.

77
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:52,137
He suffered under Pontius Pilate,

78
00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:55,470
was crucified, died and was buried.

79
00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:57,681
He descended to the dead.

80
00:05:57,774 --> 00:05:59,686
On the third day, He rose again.

81
00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:02,439
He ascended into heaven and is seated

82
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,816
at the right hand of the Father.

83
00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:05,896
He will come again

84
00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:09,905
to judge the living and the dead.

85
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,617
There you go, Bobby.

86
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,450
I think it's perfect for me.

87
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:19,832
I mean, this character Hogan...
he's quick on his toes.

88
00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:22,413
He's hip. He's a con artist.
I don't want to jinx it,

89
00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:24,624
but I think it's what
I've been working toward my whole career.

90
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:27,711
Really? You've been working
towards Holocaust comedy?

91
00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:30,012
- Anne.
- What, Bob?

92
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:46,608
Please, not in front of the children.
They look up to me.

93
00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:50,408
They're small. They look up to everyone.

94
00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:52,234
That's funny. I got to use that.

95
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:56,414
Bob, for 15 years,
I've followed you from job to job,

96
00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:58,491
from Connecticut to California.

97
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:00,952
I'm your number-one supporter.
I believe in you.

98
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:04,005
But do you expect me to keep quiet
when I see you about to do something

99
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,173
that could ruin your career?

100
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,527
<i>Aah!</i>

101
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,571
<i>Help! Help!</i>

102
00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:31,615
<i>Those are the right words,
only say them louder.</i>

103
00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:34,569
All right, honey. You're right.

104
00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,154
Family comes first.

105
00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:39,365
It's more important than some TV show.

106
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,542
You really like the script?

107
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:44,621
Well, it runs circles around
the other stuff I've been offered.

108
00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:47,331
I know. I read it.

109
00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:48,711
You did?

110
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:53,504
It's funny.

111
00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,849
Are you saying what I think you're saying?

112
00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:01,854
- You'll quit KNX?
- Ahh.

113
00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:03,476
Well, first, I'll do both.

114
00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:06,149
Just to be safe, like we did on
<i>Donna Reed,</i> but if it works...

115
00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:07,818
Oh, <i>Donna Reed</i> was part-time.

116
00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:10,567
I just hope I can pull it off.
Hogan's in almost every scene.

117
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:12,273
Don't worry.

118
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:15,951
You always worry,
but in the end you succeed.

119
00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:17,949
Easy for you to say.

120
00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:24,327
Hello, Henry.

121
00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:26,708
So we're all professionals here.

122
00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:30,587
I realize you've all been working on
your characters, each with his own slant,

123
00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:33,511
but we have to keep in mind
this is a gang comedy.

124
00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,508
It's funny to the extent
the gang is funny.

125
00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:37,009
It's like an athletic team.

126
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,932
Roman Gabriel may be
a great quarterback,

127
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,853
but without Joe Carollo,
we ain't gonna complete a pass.

128
00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:45,932
Did you hear about the Greek quarterback,
who hated to leave his buddies behind?

129
00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:49,359
I think we get the point.

130
00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:52,530
Uh, let's pick up with Klink and Hogan.

131
00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:55,858
The great disciplinarian

132
00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:59,946
knows when to reward
and when to punish.

133
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:03,659
Now my leniency is a legend, right?

134
00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,038
Wrong.

135
00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:08,417
You've got a reputation to uphold,
Colonel. You know that.

136
00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:12,045
I mean, you're running the most brutal
prison camp in all of Germany.

137
00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:14,718
Okay, uh, let's back up.

138
00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:16,511
Bob, don't try so hard.

139
00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:19,386
You're the hero of the show.
It's named after you.

140
00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:21,684
Heroes don't try and be heroes.
They simply are.

141
00:09:21,770 --> 00:09:23,056
- Okay.
- Okay?

142
00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:25,513
Uh, let's do it again. Same place.

143
00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:28,725
The great disciplinarian knows

144
00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:30,810
when to reward and when to punish.

145
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:33,146
Now my leniency is a legend, right?

146
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:35,105
- Wrong.
- What do you mean?

147
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,738
You've got a reputation to uphold,
Colonel. You know that.

148
00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:40,114
I mean, you are running
the most brutal prison camp

149
00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:41,741
- in all of Germany.
- I am?

150
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,494
In the world. You're ranked third,
right behind Devil's Island and Alcatraz.

151
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:45,415
Good.

152
00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:46,959
And you're the toughest <i>kommandant</i>
in Germany.

153
00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:47,876
I am?

154
00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:51,376
In the last war, it was "Kill the Kaiser."
Today, it's "Kill Klink."

155
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:54,300
Kill Klink.

156
00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:56,172
I like that.

157
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:12,814
Mel Rosen.

158
00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:15,396
I do a little radio show
out of Quad City.

159
00:10:15,490 --> 00:10:17,573
You know, I've actually
heard good things about that.

160
00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:19,446
Thank you. Coming from you
that's high praise indeed.

161
00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:21,994
- You got to get me a tape for that.
- Would you like something to drink?

162
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,697
- I'll have a grapefruit juice, please.
- With vodka?

163
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:27,204
Uh, no, straight.
Last of the straight men.

164
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:29,706
I'll have another Tom Collins.

165
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:33,631
I'm doing a show on the new TV season.
I never pass up one of these junkets.

166
00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:35,252
Well, I'm with you there.

167
00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:36,709
So this new show...

168
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,715
I loved you on <i>Donna Reed,</i> by the way...

169
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:41,513
it's set in a concentration camp,
a comedy?

170
00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:43,306
Prisoner-of-war camp.

171
00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:46,261
Yeah, it's got all
your typical comedy elements...

172
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:48,311
Gestapo, police dogs...

173
00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:50,560
So I guess it's fair to say
if you liked World War Il,

174
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:53,688
you're going to love <i>Hogan's Heroes.</i>

175
00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:55,690
Uh...

176
00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:57,521
no, let's-let's not, uh...

177
00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,277
Actually, I got what I want.

178
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:01,780
Hey, Mel, what...

179
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,907
I thought you were a fellow entertainer.

180
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,785
I'm also a Jew.

181
00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:08,912
It's the same thing.

182
00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:24,761
Thank you.

183
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,683
Are one of those for me?

184
00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:27,850
Thank you.

185
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:29,018
You're welcome.

186
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:32,264
Bob, look what I found.

187
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:34,566
- Hiya.
- Hiya.

188
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:39,772
Uh, this TV reviewer, he just...
I don't mean to offend anybody.

189
00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,482
Forget about it. Do you see this spread?

190
00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:43,693
Yeah, I got to hand it to CBS.

191
00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:45,322
They did it for one reason.

192
00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:47,120
The affiliates have seen the pilot.

193
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,244
They love it.

194
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:51,371
You play Hogan, don't you?

195
00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:53,953
I sure do.
Do you want an autograph?

196
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,288
I've got autographs.

197
00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:58,670
Darling, you just stop that.
Mr. Crane is a happily married man.

198
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:01,127
Now you wanted to see my room, right?

199
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,928
It's right this way.

200
00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:10,353
Did you catch the radio show
this morning? Guess who was on.

201
00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:13,560
Were you listening?

202
00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:15,141
Johnny Winters.

203
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:19,229
I swear, he's got to be
the funniest human being ever born.

204
00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:21,814
Honey?

205
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:30,030
What's wrong?

206
00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:33,788
Huh?

207
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,799
Why do we have shady magazines
hidden in our garage?

208
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,842
Those are, uh...

209
00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:47,924
photography magazines.

210
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,350
<i>Gent? Caught?</i>

211
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:54,145
I'm a photo nut, Annie, so...

212
00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:57,020
<i>Nature Girls 1965?</i>

213
00:12:58,361 --> 00:13:00,774
Mm-hmm. They're harmless.

214
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,739
No wonder you never look at me anymore.

215
00:13:04,826 --> 00:13:06,818
Come on. Would you stop that?
Listen to me.

216
00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:10,905
I'm out the door every morning at 5:30.
I'm not home until after dark.

217
00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:12,115
Huh?

218
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,291
You see how hard I'm working?

219
00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:18,295
Are you seeing another woman?

220
00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:20,418
Absolutely not.

221
00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:25,969
I want those magazines out of the house.

222
00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:29,639
Yeah, uh... I'll throw them away.

223
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:31,558
I've seen them before. I just ignored it.

224
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:34,102
All right! All right, I get the message.

225
00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:37,898
Bad enough I've got to hide them
like some teenager.

226
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,146
Well, what did you have in mind?

227
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,774
Putting them on the coffee table
for our guests to see?

228
00:13:42,864 --> 00:13:44,651
I apologize.

229
00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:46,653
Maybe we should see Father Donnelly.

230
00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:48,655
No. It's our business.

231
00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:51,283
Family business... we'll keep it at home.

232
00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:53,329
You're never home.

233
00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:55,829
I just thought that when you
started shooting <i>Hogan's</i>

234
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:57,125
that this would change things.

235
00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:59,624
It will. Darling, trust me.

236
00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:01,706
It will.

237
00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:06,548
Hogan's Heroes
<i>premiered September 17, 1965,</i>

238
00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:08,549
<i>8.'30 on Friday night.</i>

239
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,972
<i>When the Nielson ratings
were released four days later,</i>

240
00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,301
Hogan's, <i>out of98 prime-time shows,</i>

241
00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:15,226
<i>finished number five.</i>

242
00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:17,225
<i>Of the new shows, it was number one.</i>

243
00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:20,604
<i>I've always had
an extraordinary amount ofluck...</i>

244
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:22,855
<i>being in the right place
at the right time.</i>

245
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:26,609
<i>Ah, there was some controversy
the first few months, but it died away.</i>

246
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,031
<i>Mondays we blocked the show.</i>

247
00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:29,949
<i>Tuesdays we did exteriors.</i>

248
00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:32,369
<i>Wednesdays and Thursdays we did interiors.</i>

249
00:14:32,455 --> 00:14:35,619
<i>And Friday we'd have a table reading
of the next week's script.</i>

250
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,950
<i>Weekends, we called each other
and went over everything.</i>

251
00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:39,706
<i>I loved it.</i>

252
00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:42,914
<i>Give me a vacation and three days later,
I'm going crazy.</i>

253
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,051
Not another power outage?

254
00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:49,218
No, sir.

255
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,888
I'm installing Richard's
new high-fidelity unit.

256
00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:53,340
In his trailer here?

257
00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:56,347
- I can wire anything.
- Yeah?

258
00:14:56,437 --> 00:15:00,056
You got a second?
Let me show you something.

259
00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:08,105
I designed this myself. Listen.

260
00:15:14,205 --> 00:15:16,037
Pretty groovy, huh?

261
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,199
I'm Bob Crane.

262
00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:20,204
John. John Carpenter.

263
00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,845
Well, I've never been much into hi-fi.

264
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,968
Photography's always been my thing.

265
00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:35,549
I'm with you.

266
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:37,885
If you like photography, you'll love VTRs.

267
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:40,346
- VTRs?
- Video tape recorders?

268
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,274
Magnetic coding, like audio tape.

269
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:44,941
Same principle, only with pictures.

270
00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:46,063
Huh.

271
00:15:46,154 --> 00:15:49,272
Sony, Ampex, Panasonic...
they're all developing VTRs.

272
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:50,822
- Hi, Bob.
- Hey, Robert.

273
00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:53,275
- So this is like your...
- I-I sort of freelance.

274
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:58,080
I work with SonyCom from Japan,
helping them introduce helical-scan VTRs.

275
00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:00,874
I sold Dawson the third VTR in the US.

276
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,668
Sold one to LBJ. Elvis.

277
00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:04,915
Yeah?

278
00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:06,747
Showed him how to use it.

279
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:08,332
Nice cat.

280
00:16:09,719 --> 00:16:11,460
Back in 15 minutes, Bob.

281
00:16:11,554 --> 00:16:15,969
Shoot, got to run.
Um, nice meeting you.

282
00:16:16,058 --> 00:16:17,924
- All right.
- Carpenter.

283
00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:23,347
- FBI.
- Full-blooded Indian.

284
00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:26,479
Well, actually half-blooded.

285
00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:29,186
Here, take my card.

286
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:32,398
Dawson and I are hooking up
over at Salomes later,

287
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,324
if you want to come and join us.

288
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:38,654
- I, uh, I actually prom...
- You'd like it. It's a nice joint.

289
00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:41,411
- House band, strippers.
- Well...

290
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,493
Hey, mate. How's it coming?

291
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:46,750
You're all set up, Big Daddy.
Eight watts of pumping power.

292
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:50,298
Hey, there, I just got
the best bloody hi-fi on this lot.

293
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,469
I gotta run.

294
00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:56,387
Salomes.

295
00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:29,250
Colonel. How's it hanging?

296
00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:30,797
Can't complain.

297
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,294
Glad you could make it.

298
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,217
Richard.

299
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:37,546
- I brought you a call sheet for tomorrow.
- I already got one.

300
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,973
Let me get you something to drink.

301
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:43,143
Uh... I'll have a grapefruit juice.

302
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:46,518
Oh, come one, Bob,
don't be such a prick.

303
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:52,102
Miss Kitty.

304
00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:54,483
<i>Meow!</i> Whoo!

305
00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:05,828
Miss Kitty. Let's give her a big Hollywood
hand, ladies and gentlemen. Miss Kitty.

306
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,331
We're going to take a 5-minute break here.

307
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:15,793
Let the boys in the band drain
their nozzles, so be right back.

308
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,847
I love what you do.

309
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,067
Colonel Hogan?

310
00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:34,395
Can we help you?

311
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:35,729
You want an autograph?

312
00:18:35,823 --> 00:18:37,780
Yeah, sure, thanks. Okay.

313
00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:41,031
My name's Nickie D.
I'm the drummer here.

314
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,204
You're on that show, too, aren't you?
You play the British guy.

315
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:50,290
I used to listen to your show every
morning, back when I had a real job.

316
00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:53,793
I always wondered, was that really you
playing the drums on the radio?

317
00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:56,421
Sure, it was. Think I was faking?

318
00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:58,502
Well, you did a lot of kidding.

319
00:18:58,596 --> 00:19:00,588
Not about that.

320
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:04,265
You want to sit in?

321
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:08,554
As a special treat, sitting in on drums...

322
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:12,312
Colonel Robert Hogan from the hit TV
series <i>Hogan's Heroes</i>... Bob Crane.

323
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:14,984
Yeah. Bob, let's hear it.

324
00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:19,447
All right, <i>Kommandant,</i>
let's bring out the little strudel.

325
00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:22,492
What do you say?
Come on, Angela, from Lubbock.

326
00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:48,260
Well, thanks for
meeting me like this, Father.

327
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:49,970
I know this must seem a little unusual.

328
00:19:50,064 --> 00:19:52,226
No, not at all.
We haven't seen you in awhile.

329
00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:54,023
I know. I know. I-I'm sorry.

330
00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:56,318
I'll be at mass tomorrow
with Anne and the kids.

331
00:19:56,404 --> 00:19:58,612
This TV show...
you wouldn't believe the hours.

332
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:02,692
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Everybody's life has its unique demands.

333
00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:04,401
I'm glad you called.

334
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,113
- So...
- Thank you.

335
00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:10,907
What's on your mind?

336
00:20:11,001 --> 00:20:13,539
Just the show, you know?
We work late.

337
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:17,418
When you get off,
you're all sort of jazzed up.

338
00:20:17,508 --> 00:20:19,295
So I've been playing my drums.

339
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:22,093
You know, just to sort of wind down.

340
00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:25,263
Been playing at, uh, various, you know...

341
00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:27,056
strip... strip clubs...

342
00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:28,384
joints.

343
00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:36,103
Would you be more comfortable
in the confessional?

344
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:39,399
Just wanted to talk.

345
00:20:40,114 --> 00:20:44,074
Of course, of course. Does Anne know?

346
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,493
About the clubs? No, no.

347
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:50,289
No. But I-I think it's obvious.
I've been, um...

348
00:20:51,709 --> 00:20:53,450
you know, coming home later.

349
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:58,755
Mr. Crane, I am such a fan.
I just wondered...

350
00:20:58,841 --> 00:21:02,425
A picture together? You betcha.
And your name is?

351
00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:05,595
- Oh, I forgot.
- You forgot your name?

352
00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:09,174
- Not that. Julie.
- Julie, all right. Right over here.

353
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:10,759
Schmile.

354
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:15,059
- There you go.
- Thank you.

355
00:21:15,149 --> 00:21:16,265
Okay.

356
00:21:19,445 --> 00:21:22,609
Sorry about that, Father.

357
00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:24,360
Where were we?

358
00:21:24,450 --> 00:21:27,158
Uh, you and Anne.

359
00:21:27,828 --> 00:21:28,944
Mm.

360
00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:33,206
It's not easy to resist temptation.

361
00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:38,336
One has to remove oneself
from the occasion of sin.

362
00:21:38,422 --> 00:21:39,788
You can't keep...

363
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:45,294
Listen, I know several musicians.

364
00:21:45,387 --> 00:21:47,629
We play from time to time.

365
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:50,636
I'm no Bill Evans,
but I can keep up on keyboard.

366
00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:54,185
Maybe we should play together sometime.

367
00:21:54,271 --> 00:21:57,560
- Mmm...
- After work.

368
00:21:57,650 --> 00:21:59,937
Thank you. Yeah, that's...

369
00:22:01,862 --> 00:22:03,569
That's a good idea.

370
00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,371
I love what you do.

371
00:22:59,461 --> 00:23:01,327
- Thank you.
- Bob!

372
00:23:01,422 --> 00:23:04,540
Bob, oh, wow.

373
00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:06,124
That was great.

374
00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:09,802
You don't remember, do you?

375
00:23:09,889 --> 00:23:13,633
I'll, uh... I'll give you a hint.

376
00:23:18,272 --> 00:23:20,559
- Carpenter. John Carpenter.
- Right.

377
00:23:20,649 --> 00:23:22,231
Hey, how are they hanging?

378
00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:23,854
Pretty tight, my man.

379
00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:26,311
I've been looking for you.
This is John Carpenter.

380
00:23:26,405 --> 00:23:29,193
He's like the James Bond of video nuts.

381
00:23:29,283 --> 00:23:31,650
Anybody wants the new stuff,
they gotta talk to him.

382
00:23:31,744 --> 00:23:33,406
This is, uh, Elaine.

383
00:23:33,495 --> 00:23:35,327
Oh, what a pretty name.

384
00:23:35,414 --> 00:23:37,701
- Thank you.
- And Emily.

385
00:23:37,791 --> 00:23:39,123
- Pleasure.
- Hi.

386
00:23:39,209 --> 00:23:42,668
So... what's happening?
Where's the action tonight?

387
00:23:42,755 --> 00:23:44,371
We were just talking about
maybe going

388
00:23:44,632 --> 00:23:46,419
and grabbing a bite to eat
over at Arthur J's.

389
00:23:46,508 --> 00:23:48,465
No, no, no. Let's go to my pad.

390
00:23:48,552 --> 00:23:52,387
You wouldn't believe this new equipment
they sent me to check out.

391
00:23:52,473 --> 00:23:53,634
It'll blow your mind.

392
00:23:53,724 --> 00:23:58,014
Light hits this layer
and stores a charged density pattern on it

393
00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:01,892
which is scanned with an electron beam
so the resulting signal

394
00:24:01,982 --> 00:24:05,566
is sent by cable
to where it's recorded on tape.

395
00:24:05,653 --> 00:24:09,567
The helical-scan method of the VTR
issues proper magnetic coding,

396
00:24:09,657 --> 00:24:12,115
so picture quality is always secure.

397
00:24:12,201 --> 00:24:15,069
I've never seen anything like this.

398
00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:17,700
Of course not. That's the point.

399
00:24:17,790 --> 00:24:19,827
It's a prototype.

400
00:24:19,917 --> 00:24:21,078
Hey...

401
00:24:21,168 --> 00:24:22,875
that, uh, stereo over there...

402
00:24:22,962 --> 00:24:24,544
Yeah?

403
00:24:24,630 --> 00:24:26,667
Does it play music?

404
00:24:26,757 --> 00:24:28,749
Of course.

405
00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:32,502
Tonight?

406
00:24:32,596 --> 00:24:34,087
Of course.

407
00:24:34,181 --> 00:24:36,047
- Do you got any jazz?
- Name it.

408
00:24:36,141 --> 00:24:37,882
You got Procol Harum?

409
00:24:37,977 --> 00:24:39,263
I got Four Tops.

410
00:24:39,353 --> 00:24:40,594
Close enough.

411
00:24:42,815 --> 00:24:43,931
Uh, Bob.

412
00:24:44,984 --> 00:24:48,898
Uh, you want to freshen the girls' drinks?

413
00:24:50,531 --> 00:24:51,692
Bob?

414
00:25:02,084 --> 00:25:03,825
Which one you want?

415
00:25:06,130 --> 00:25:08,918
These girls are ready to get it on,

416
00:25:09,008 --> 00:25:11,842
and you're the man,
so I figured you get first choice.

417
00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:15,837
I don't really care.

418
00:25:15,931 --> 00:25:18,924
Well, if it's all the same to you,
I'm gonna hit on the blonde.

419
00:25:19,018 --> 00:25:20,759
Copacetic?

420
00:25:22,396 --> 00:25:23,853
Co-Copacetic.

421
00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:27,307
They're beautiful, right?

422
00:25:27,401 --> 00:25:30,144
I'll have another hit of that vodka.

423
00:25:47,004 --> 00:25:49,121
Uh, can I get you another drink?

424
00:25:49,214 --> 00:25:51,171
I'm not done with this one yet.

425
00:25:54,803 --> 00:25:57,637
John tells me you used to be a bunny.

426
00:25:57,723 --> 00:25:58,930
Mm-hmm.

427
00:26:00,225 --> 00:26:02,467
Can you do the bunny dip?

428
00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:04,553
Can I do the bunny dip?

429
00:26:04,646 --> 00:26:05,932
Watch this.

430
00:26:11,528 --> 00:26:14,362
Whoops.

431
00:26:14,448 --> 00:26:16,610
What's the matter? Don't you like me?

432
00:26:16,700 --> 00:26:20,944
No, no, no. It's not that.
I'm, uh... I'm married.

433
00:26:21,038 --> 00:26:22,950
So am I.

434
00:26:26,335 --> 00:26:28,042
I'm a one-woman man.

435
00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:32,919
Oh.
Oh, Hogan, you crack me up.

436
00:26:33,008 --> 00:26:35,500
No, it's, uh... it's...

437
00:26:35,594 --> 00:26:38,758
Well, I'm not Colonel Klink
or that other <i>dummkopf,</i>

438
00:26:38,847 --> 00:26:40,463
whats-his-name, the fat one?

439
00:26:40,557 --> 00:26:42,719
You can't pull that crap on me.

440
00:26:49,024 --> 00:26:51,983
Oh, what's this?

441
00:26:52,820 --> 00:26:54,561
A prop, I suppose.

442
00:26:57,032 --> 00:26:59,194
What do you want?

443
00:26:59,284 --> 00:27:00,866
Colonel Hogan,

444
00:27:00,953 --> 00:27:04,822
I want you to nail me
to the fucking wall.

445
00:27:09,503 --> 00:27:11,916
Whatever you want.

446
00:27:12,005 --> 00:27:13,416
Anything.

447
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,543
Can we leave the lights on?

448
00:27:22,683 --> 00:27:24,925
<i>Danke</i> for the stockings, colonel.

449
00:27:25,018 --> 00:27:27,476
Just don't tell anybody
there's a war on.

450
00:27:37,531 --> 00:27:41,525
<i>Herr Kommandant,</i>
Colonel Hogan to see you.

451
00:27:41,618 --> 00:27:44,952
<i>The second season,
Cynthia Lynn who played Helga,</i>

452
00:27:45,038 --> 00:27:48,952
<i>was replaced by Patti Olson,
screen name Sigrid Valdis.</i>

453
00:27:49,042 --> 00:27:51,659
<i>The character's name was Hilda.</i>

454
00:27:51,753 --> 00:27:55,793
<i>Herr Kommandant,</i>
Colonel Hogan to see you.

455
00:27:55,883 --> 00:27:58,000
<i>Kommandant,</i> you wanted to see me?

456
00:27:58,093 --> 00:28:01,837
Yes, Hogan. I have a very
serious matter to discuss with you.

457
00:28:01,930 --> 00:28:04,388
I know everything
that happened last night.

458
00:28:04,474 --> 00:28:05,555
You do?

459
00:28:05,642 --> 00:28:07,725
Hogan, you don't fool me for one moment.

460
00:28:07,811 --> 00:28:09,427
Well, I know that, sir. Cigar?

461
00:28:09,521 --> 00:28:10,602
Oh...

462
00:28:11,815 --> 00:28:14,307
Hogan!

463
00:28:14,401 --> 00:28:18,361
Cut! Terrific take.
All right, let's move on.

464
00:28:23,827 --> 00:28:24,908
Hey.

465
00:28:28,832 --> 00:28:31,324
- Hey.
- Nervous? That was great.

466
00:28:31,418 --> 00:28:32,750
I feel like a bad actress.

467
00:28:32,836 --> 00:28:35,374
Oh, my gosh. It was so good, really.

468
00:28:35,464 --> 00:28:38,081
Thanks.
Everyone here's so nice, like a family.

469
00:28:38,175 --> 00:28:40,918
Yeah, well, it depends what
kind of family you come from.

470
00:28:42,429 --> 00:28:43,795
Okay, come on, come on.

471
00:28:43,889 --> 00:28:45,801
Okay, guys, guys, guys!

472
00:28:45,891 --> 00:28:47,052
Okay, go.

473
00:28:47,684 --> 00:28:49,220
Okay, cheese.

474
00:28:49,311 --> 00:28:51,018
<i>Completing the second season,</i>

475
00:28:51,104 --> 00:28:53,812
Hogan's <i>was rated 17th by the Nielsens.</i>

476
00:29:00,489 --> 00:29:02,481
I'm Bob Crane's manager, and, uh,

477
00:29:02,574 --> 00:29:04,486
we're having a little party later.

478
00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:08,115
And I was wondering if you ladies
would like to come?

479
00:29:08,205 --> 00:29:10,538
A party with Bob Crane?

480
00:29:11,833 --> 00:29:13,165
We'd love to.

481
00:29:15,337 --> 00:29:18,501
You know who I'm talking about.
It's, uh, Klink's secretary.

482
00:29:18,590 --> 00:29:19,580
Helga?

483
00:29:19,675 --> 00:29:20,916
No, it's Hilda.

484
00:29:21,009 --> 00:29:22,341
Va-va-voom!

485
00:29:22,427 --> 00:29:25,636
She's... She's... got real beauty.

486
00:29:25,722 --> 00:29:26,758
Tighten up your pants?

487
00:29:26,848 --> 00:29:28,384
Yeah, but she's special, you know?

488
00:29:28,475 --> 00:29:29,716
They all are.

489
00:29:29,810 --> 00:29:31,927
She's real. She's not uptight,
you know what I mean?

490
00:29:32,020 --> 00:29:33,602
Oh, here they are, Big Daddy.

491
00:29:33,689 --> 00:29:35,601
Quick, what are their names again?

492
00:29:35,691 --> 00:29:37,273
Jill and, uh, Judy.

493
00:29:37,359 --> 00:29:38,725
Jill and Judy.

494
00:29:39,820 --> 00:29:42,312
Chicks these days,
it's like they throw out all the rules.

495
00:29:42,406 --> 00:29:44,819
I might really be in love with her.
Which is which?

496
00:29:44,908 --> 00:29:47,025
Jill's the blonde.
Judy's the other one.

497
00:29:47,953 --> 00:29:49,660
I'm going for the blonde.

498
00:29:50,664 --> 00:29:53,247
Bob, I had her all set up.

499
00:29:56,295 --> 00:29:58,161
I'm going for the blonde.

500
00:29:58,255 --> 00:30:00,622
Bob, I've been working on her.

501
00:30:00,716 --> 00:30:01,923
The brunette's not my type.

502
00:30:02,801 --> 00:30:04,042
Oh.

503
00:30:06,972 --> 00:30:08,804
I'm sure you'll make do.

504
00:30:08,890 --> 00:30:10,973
Come on.

505
00:30:12,936 --> 00:30:14,222
Okay.

506
00:30:15,272 --> 00:30:16,888
- Ladies!
- Hey.

507
00:30:16,982 --> 00:30:18,723
- Hey, how are you?
- Jill, right?

508
00:30:18,817 --> 00:30:20,524
- Jill, yeah.
- I'm Bob Crane.

509
00:30:20,610 --> 00:30:21,691
- Hi.
- Judy?

510
00:30:21,778 --> 00:30:22,939
Yes.

511
00:30:23,030 --> 00:30:24,896
- Hey.
- Hey. Welcome.

512
00:30:25,866 --> 00:30:28,074
So this is the party?

513
00:30:29,828 --> 00:30:32,320
Colonel,
apparently some of the new recruits

514
00:30:32,414 --> 00:30:34,701
are complaining about the barracks again.

515
00:30:35,917 --> 00:30:39,285
Hogan!

516
00:30:39,379 --> 00:30:40,915
He does that just right.

517
00:30:41,006 --> 00:30:43,419
Yeah!

518
00:30:43,508 --> 00:30:48,720
You are so photogenic.

519
00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:51,388
That's great! That's great!

520
00:30:53,435 --> 00:30:55,677
I love that thing you do.

521
00:30:56,229 --> 00:30:58,391
Hold on, hold on. I gotta get that.

522
00:30:58,482 --> 00:31:00,189
Take it off! Take it off!

523
00:31:00,275 --> 00:31:01,982
Take it off! Take it off!

524
00:31:02,069 --> 00:31:03,856
Set those buttons free.

525
00:31:03,945 --> 00:31:05,527
Take it off! Take it off!

526
00:31:05,614 --> 00:31:08,197
Oh, that's great.

527
00:31:08,283 --> 00:31:10,400
Carpy, more film!

528
00:31:11,870 --> 00:31:13,281
Oh, that-that's fabulous.

529
00:31:13,372 --> 00:31:15,455
That's fabulous. Do it again.

530
00:31:20,295 --> 00:31:22,161
I didn't even know this thing was on.

531
00:31:22,255 --> 00:31:26,841
I didn't want to freak you,
give you, what, performance anxiety.

532
00:31:26,927 --> 00:31:29,214
Hey, I do my best work
in front of the camera.

533
00:31:29,304 --> 00:31:32,763
- I do mine behind.
- This is... It's fabulous!

534
00:31:33,809 --> 00:31:35,801
Where have you been all my life?

535
00:31:35,894 --> 00:31:37,886
You do this for Dawson?

536
00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:40,221
You don't like him, do you?

537
00:31:42,067 --> 00:31:43,433
He tried out for the lead.

538
00:31:43,527 --> 00:31:47,271
Went to me, so he keeps snipping at me
all the time, little Brit fag cracks.

539
00:31:47,364 --> 00:31:49,731
Trouble with your lines, luv?

540
00:31:49,825 --> 00:31:52,158
And always...
always trying to undercut me.

541
00:31:52,244 --> 00:31:54,361
Jesus, look at her go.

542
00:31:54,454 --> 00:31:56,537
You're going to have to choose, Carp.

543
00:31:57,416 --> 00:31:58,577
It's him, or it's me.

544
00:31:58,667 --> 00:32:00,408
Oh, look. Look, Bob.

545
00:32:00,502 --> 00:32:02,334
She's giving you head.

546
00:32:03,422 --> 00:32:04,754
Oh...

547
00:32:11,096 --> 00:32:13,088
We're gonna have to burn this tape.

548
00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:18,927
How much you say
one of these things costs?

549
00:32:20,647 --> 00:32:22,934
Flowers three times a week is one thing,

550
00:32:23,024 --> 00:32:25,016
but isn't this extravagant?

551
00:32:25,110 --> 00:32:26,942
Wait'll you see it.

552
00:32:28,822 --> 00:32:30,233
Oh...

553
00:32:31,616 --> 00:32:33,403
How does it work?

554
00:32:33,493 --> 00:32:35,655
Oh, you gotta see this thing. Carpy.

555
00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:41,415
It doesn't bite.
Just don't touch these wires right here.

556
00:32:41,501 --> 00:32:42,662
Oh, okay.

557
00:32:42,752 --> 00:32:45,335
- Ow!
- Oh!

558
00:32:45,422 --> 00:32:48,256
Carpy says, "Don't touch."

559
00:32:52,929 --> 00:32:55,262
Well, what will we do with it?

560
00:32:57,058 --> 00:32:58,970
Home movies.

561
00:32:59,060 --> 00:33:00,471
Smile!

562
00:33:00,562 --> 00:33:03,771
Come on, give me a smile!

563
00:33:03,857 --> 00:33:06,440
Everybody give me a wave.

564
00:33:06,526 --> 00:33:08,813
I just want to get this side.
Just want to get this side.

565
00:33:08,904 --> 00:33:12,443
Oh, please, Bob!
Come on, I'm washing the dishes!

566
00:33:12,532 --> 00:33:14,740
I don't want to be photographed
washing the dishes!

567
00:33:14,826 --> 00:33:16,818
Oh, look at that dress.
I love that, honey.

568
00:33:16,912 --> 00:33:20,451
All right, give me one more shot.
Here we go. One, two, big dance!

569
00:33:24,002 --> 00:33:27,040
- Look at that.
- Oh, this is amazing.

570
00:33:27,130 --> 00:33:28,211
You just shot this today.

571
00:33:28,298 --> 00:33:30,130
Yeah, with... It's not like film.

572
00:33:30,217 --> 00:33:32,334
I mean, with video,
there's no film processing.

573
00:33:32,427 --> 00:33:35,420
We are light years ahead of everybody!

574
00:33:35,514 --> 00:33:36,800
Look at that!

575
00:33:36,890 --> 00:33:39,382
It's like the Polaroid of home movies.

576
00:33:48,485 --> 00:33:52,024
<i>Herr Kommandant,</i>
Colonel Hogan to see you.

577
00:33:56,910 --> 00:33:59,778
Well, he did beat out
a million other sperm.

578
00:33:59,871 --> 00:34:01,988
Think about that.

579
00:34:02,082 --> 00:34:03,744
It's kind of hard to fathom.

580
00:34:03,833 --> 00:34:06,075
Yeah, you're so easy to talk to.

581
00:34:06,169 --> 00:34:09,788
It's probably because
I speak English, Sigrid.

582
00:34:09,881 --> 00:34:14,342
- Uh, call me Patricia.
- Patricia.

583
00:34:14,427 --> 00:34:15,793
Sigrid is my stage name.

584
00:34:16,471 --> 00:34:18,884
To you, I'm Patricia.

585
00:34:22,227 --> 00:34:25,720
And... what brought you back to LA?

586
00:34:27,357 --> 00:34:30,771
The usual things. A broken marriage.

587
00:34:30,860 --> 00:34:32,772
Cheers to that.

588
00:34:32,862 --> 00:34:34,774
Tired of being a housewife, you know?

589
00:34:35,865 --> 00:34:38,778
So you came back here
where you could play one instead?

590
00:34:38,868 --> 00:34:40,825
Something like that.

591
00:34:40,912 --> 00:34:42,528
What about you, Hogan?

592
00:34:42,622 --> 00:34:44,534
What are your dreams?

593
00:34:45,959 --> 00:34:48,497
Besides drumming with Buddy Rich?

594
00:34:48,587 --> 00:34:53,958
I dream about finding somebody
who, uh, gets me,

595
00:34:54,050 --> 00:34:56,133
who I am.

596
00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:07,436
We're in the show together.

597
00:35:07,522 --> 00:35:10,890
We'll have to keep up the appearance
of respectability.

598
00:35:10,984 --> 00:35:13,271
I can be very respectable.

599
00:35:17,365 --> 00:35:20,108
You're not really hungry, are you?

600
00:35:25,248 --> 00:35:27,285
I'm gonna get the check.

601
00:35:27,375 --> 00:35:29,116
Yeah.

602
00:35:30,754 --> 00:35:33,212
We're a Christian publication, Mr. Crane.

603
00:35:33,298 --> 00:35:34,914
Please, it's Bob.

604
00:35:35,008 --> 00:35:38,172
So this is a little outside
our normal terrain.

605
00:35:38,261 --> 00:35:42,380
We usually don't do Hollywood interviews,
what with the divorces and whatnot.

606
00:35:42,474 --> 00:35:45,512
- Sure.
- That's why we're interested in you.

607
00:35:45,602 --> 00:35:51,143
Um, you've been married to your
high school sweetheart for 16 years.

608
00:35:51,232 --> 00:35:52,939
Fifteen, actually.

609
00:35:53,026 --> 00:35:54,392
Fifteen years.

610
00:35:54,486 --> 00:35:56,773
How do you do it?
What's your secret?

611
00:35:58,323 --> 00:36:00,280
Three words...

612
00:36:00,367 --> 00:36:05,032
don't... make... waves.

613
00:36:05,622 --> 00:36:06,988
<i>As every sailor knows,</i>

614
00:36:07,082 --> 00:36:10,166
<i>when one set of waves
meets another set of waves,</i>

615
00:36:10,251 --> 00:36:12,243
<i>it can set up some chop.</i>

616
00:36:12,337 --> 00:36:15,125
<i>And when three sets of waves
come together,</i>

617
00:36:15,215 --> 00:36:18,049
<i>it can make for some mighty rough sailing.</i>

618
00:36:18,134 --> 00:36:22,048
<i>It also helps sometimes
to have a harmless safety valve.</i>

619
00:36:22,138 --> 00:36:25,506
<i>When I get tense, I blow off steam.</i>

620
00:36:26,893 --> 00:36:29,135
And so, when it comes to my own family...

621
00:36:30,146 --> 00:36:32,889
I don't make waves.

622
00:36:32,982 --> 00:36:36,521
That's inspirational.
You're a fortunate man.

623
00:36:36,611 --> 00:36:37,772
Yes.

624
00:36:39,614 --> 00:36:41,230
Yes, I am.

625
00:36:50,792 --> 00:36:52,408
You want me to run lines with you?

626
00:36:52,502 --> 00:36:53,663
No, I got it.

627
00:37:02,721 --> 00:37:05,179
Is there anything you want to talk about?

628
00:37:05,265 --> 00:37:06,801
About what?

629
00:37:06,891 --> 00:37:11,181
Neither of us has said anything,
but we both know.

630
00:37:11,271 --> 00:37:12,603
Know what?

631
00:37:12,689 --> 00:37:14,681
We never spend any time alone together.

632
00:37:14,774 --> 00:37:16,356
What do you call this?

633
00:37:16,443 --> 00:37:18,230
Tense.

634
00:37:18,319 --> 00:37:21,653
- Distant.
- Oh, you're being ridiculous.

635
00:37:22,824 --> 00:37:26,363
Come on. I didn't mean that.

636
00:37:26,453 --> 00:37:29,662
I just think you're
overreacting a little bit.

637
00:37:29,748 --> 00:37:32,661
It's been a while
since we've done anything.

638
00:37:33,752 --> 00:37:36,369
Or has work sapped all your energy?

639
00:37:50,602 --> 00:37:53,845
My goodness. She was built.

640
00:37:53,938 --> 00:37:55,429
- Uh, Min-Mindy.
- Mandy.

641
00:37:55,523 --> 00:37:57,435
Mandy!

642
00:37:57,525 --> 00:38:00,643
We should name a ride after her.
Loop-de-Loop.

643
00:38:00,737 --> 00:38:02,899
Tilt-a-Whirl.

644
00:38:02,989 --> 00:38:05,902
I'll tell you, watching these home movies
gets me so damn hot.

645
00:38:05,992 --> 00:38:08,450
They're videos, Bob. Videos.

646
00:38:08,536 --> 00:38:11,404
I've got a hard-on the size of Florida.
What was that?

647
00:38:11,498 --> 00:38:15,037
- What?
- Uh, rewind the tape.

648
00:38:16,628 --> 00:38:18,665
Just-Just rewind it.

649
00:38:23,676 --> 00:38:26,635
Okay, okay. Just play it from there.

650
00:38:26,721 --> 00:38:28,553
All right, play it right there.

651
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:30,472
- What's that on my ass?
- What's what?

652
00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:32,094
Freeze it. Can you do that?

653
00:38:32,185 --> 00:38:34,643
Not for long.
The image becomes unstable.

654
00:38:34,729 --> 00:38:36,470
Freeze it right there.

655
00:38:40,443 --> 00:38:42,981
What the hell is that on my ass?

656
00:38:44,948 --> 00:38:47,065
That is my hand.

657
00:38:50,370 --> 00:38:52,578
- Rubbing my ass?
- So what?

658
00:38:54,874 --> 00:38:57,833
You got your fingers up around my cheeks.
What the hell you doing in there, John?

659
00:38:57,919 --> 00:38:59,535
It's an orgy, Bob.

660
00:39:00,713 --> 00:39:02,796
So you can just touch my ass?

661
00:39:02,882 --> 00:39:04,714
I thought you liked it.

662
00:39:04,801 --> 00:39:07,839
I... I thought it was her. God!

663
00:39:07,929 --> 00:39:09,636
- What's the difference?
- What's the difference?

664
00:39:09,722 --> 00:39:11,258
You got your fingers up
my fucking asshole!

665
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:13,011
Sorry!

666
00:39:13,101 --> 00:39:14,717
Fuck you very much.

667
00:39:14,811 --> 00:39:17,178
Bob, I said I'm sorry.
It's a group grope.

668
00:39:17,272 --> 00:39:19,309
You had your fingers up around my ass.

669
00:39:19,399 --> 00:39:20,856
Well, we were just having fun.

670
00:39:20,942 --> 00:39:23,184
- You know what? You're a perv.
- What?

671
00:39:23,278 --> 00:39:25,611
You're a fucking pervert.
Is that clear enough for you?

672
00:39:25,697 --> 00:39:27,063
A <i>feygele</i>. Does that make sense?

673
00:39:27,156 --> 00:39:29,068
Bob, gee, I'm sorry. You know what?

674
00:39:29,158 --> 00:39:30,365
Hey!

675
00:39:34,622 --> 00:39:35,954
I'll see you next time, Carpy.

676
00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:38,123
Never!

677
00:39:42,297 --> 00:39:45,916
Now, I guess, is as good a time as any.

678
00:39:46,009 --> 00:39:47,966
Thank you all for coming.

679
00:39:48,052 --> 00:39:51,136
Ever since the introduction of the CV2000,

680
00:39:51,222 --> 00:39:55,637
we have been working toward the
development of a color videotape recorder.

681
00:39:55,727 --> 00:39:58,014
Mr. John Carpenter,
our Los Angeles representative,

682
00:39:58,104 --> 00:39:59,515
has set up a demonstration.

683
00:39:59,606 --> 00:40:01,973
This system will demonstrate
what lies in store.

684
00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:04,308
John, get the lights, please.

685
00:40:26,299 --> 00:40:29,838
I knew it was in color,
but just the one?

686
00:40:31,930 --> 00:40:33,296
John, lights.

687
00:40:35,475 --> 00:40:38,468
We are experiencing
a little technical problem.

688
00:40:38,561 --> 00:40:40,644
If you'd excuse us just a second.

689
00:40:40,730 --> 00:40:43,723
There's hot coffee
and fresh Danish next door.

690
00:40:43,816 --> 00:40:46,399
It'll only be a few minutes, I promise.
<i>Arigato.</i>

691
00:40:47,612 --> 00:40:49,444
Thank you. Thanks.

692
00:40:49,530 --> 00:40:51,738
What's happened?

693
00:40:51,824 --> 00:40:54,407
I don't know.
I set everything according to specs.

694
00:40:54,494 --> 00:40:56,577
Well, fix it!

695
00:40:57,497 --> 00:40:59,363
Looks fine to me.

696
00:41:00,750 --> 00:41:03,242
It's green! It's fucking green!

697
00:41:03,336 --> 00:41:04,452
Uh...

698
00:41:12,261 --> 00:41:14,298
Y-You really can't tell, can you?

699
00:41:16,307 --> 00:41:18,014
You're fucking color-blind.

700
00:41:18,101 --> 00:41:19,967
- I'll fix it.
- God damn you, John!

701
00:41:20,061 --> 00:41:23,645
I've got execs from Tokyo, every network,
and you pull a stunt like this!

702
00:41:23,731 --> 00:41:26,565
- I...
- John, leave.

703
00:41:26,651 --> 00:41:28,688
- I'm fired?
- Yeah. Get out.

704
00:41:28,778 --> 00:41:31,521
- You can't do that.
- It's done.

705
00:41:31,614 --> 00:41:33,230
I've got the contacts.

706
00:41:34,033 --> 00:41:36,400
Who do you think got you the celebrities?

707
00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:40,488
I sold Vidicons to Tommy Smothers,

708
00:41:40,581 --> 00:41:42,288
Dick Martin, Bob Crane.

709
00:41:42,375 --> 00:41:44,833
I sold a VTO to Elvis!

710
00:41:44,919 --> 00:41:47,286
Do I need to call security?

711
00:41:50,133 --> 00:41:52,841
One, two...

712
00:41:52,927 --> 00:41:54,134
three!

713
00:41:54,220 --> 00:41:56,052
I didn't think she
was gonna get that last one.

714
00:41:56,139 --> 00:41:58,005
Oh, what a beautiful cake.

715
00:41:58,099 --> 00:42:00,432
Oh, huh.

716
00:42:00,518 --> 00:42:02,555
Is it supposed to do that?

717
00:42:09,527 --> 00:42:11,940
It's broken.

718
00:42:12,030 --> 00:42:14,192
Six months?

719
00:42:14,282 --> 00:42:16,239
Can you refer me to somebody?

720
00:42:18,119 --> 00:42:20,031
Right.

721
00:42:20,121 --> 00:42:22,829
All right, well, thank you. Yeah.

722
00:42:39,015 --> 00:42:40,631
John, it's Bob.

723
00:42:40,725 --> 00:42:42,933
Yeah, I'm fine.

724
00:42:43,019 --> 00:42:44,931
Yeah, how are you?

725
00:42:46,522 --> 00:42:49,560
Oh, that... that's funny.

726
00:42:49,650 --> 00:42:50,731
Uh-huh.

727
00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:57,736
Well, the problem is we'd had a little
trouble with the VTR over here, and I, I...

728
00:42:57,825 --> 00:43:02,411
Uh-huh. No, I know you're busy.
Of course.

729
00:43:03,289 --> 00:43:04,746
No, I completely understand.

730
00:43:04,832 --> 00:43:09,998
I just thought maybe if you could,
you know, squeeze us in.

731
00:43:22,433 --> 00:43:24,220
You work on this?

732
00:43:26,020 --> 00:43:27,556
Well, I...

733
00:43:28,648 --> 00:43:31,186
It's the video head drum.

734
00:43:31,275 --> 00:43:33,392
You can't fix it with Scotch tape,
you know.

735
00:43:34,529 --> 00:43:35,986
Is it serious?

736
00:43:36,072 --> 00:43:40,157
No, I should be able to put
another one in there pretty quick

737
00:43:40,243 --> 00:43:42,326
as long as nothing else is fucked up.

738
00:43:46,499 --> 00:43:48,661
Well, I really appreciate
your coming over like this.

739
00:43:48,751 --> 00:43:52,745
I tell anybody who asked, you need
video equipment, you see John Carpenter.

740
00:43:52,839 --> 00:43:54,125
Dad!

741
00:43:54,215 --> 00:43:56,707
Oh! I'll be right there, honey.

742
00:43:56,801 --> 00:44:00,841
Bob, I'm real sorry about
what went down at my place.

743
00:44:01,681 --> 00:44:04,264
- You're not still mad at me, are you?
- I appreciate you coming over.

744
00:44:04,350 --> 00:44:05,511
Bob...

745
00:44:07,395 --> 00:44:09,011
I'm not a fag.

746
00:44:09,105 --> 00:44:10,596
Uh-huh.

747
00:44:10,690 --> 00:44:15,651
About Dawson, I told him I was
getting too busy to see him much.

748
00:44:16,362 --> 00:44:18,024
You did?

749
00:44:19,157 --> 00:44:20,443
How'd he take it?

750
00:44:20,533 --> 00:44:22,866
What choice did he have?

751
00:44:22,952 --> 00:44:25,160
You're my number one man, Bob.

752
00:44:26,455 --> 00:44:28,287
Copacetic?

753
00:44:29,500 --> 00:44:30,536
Copacetic.

754
00:44:30,626 --> 00:44:34,711
Good, because, uh, if you're into it,

755
00:44:34,797 --> 00:44:37,961
one of my clients is having a party
up in the hills on Friday.

756
00:44:38,050 --> 00:44:40,758
Lots of ladies.
A hippie thing.

757
00:44:40,845 --> 00:44:42,928
Could be fun.

758
00:44:55,651 --> 00:44:57,517
Come on in.

759
00:44:58,446 --> 00:45:00,187
Okay.

760
00:45:02,325 --> 00:45:03,190
Wow.

761
00:45:03,284 --> 00:45:05,776
That's fun.

762
00:45:05,870 --> 00:45:07,736
Yeah!

763
00:45:07,830 --> 00:45:09,241
How's the show?

764
00:45:09,332 --> 00:45:11,164
The show's going really, uh, real well.

765
00:45:11,250 --> 00:45:14,118
Excuse me, man,
I loved your radio show.

766
00:45:14,212 --> 00:45:16,875
It was so cool, you know, for its time.

767
00:45:16,964 --> 00:45:18,796
I used to listen every morning.

768
00:45:18,883 --> 00:45:20,340
Thank you. Thanks.

769
00:45:20,426 --> 00:45:23,260
- Can I get an autograph?
- Sure.

770
00:45:23,346 --> 00:45:25,884
Will you sign me right here?

771
00:45:27,934 --> 00:45:30,893
Thanks, Colonel Hogan.

772
00:45:33,105 --> 00:45:35,893
The Chinese will just march right in.

773
00:45:35,983 --> 00:45:37,190
You know what I'm saying?

774
00:45:37,276 --> 00:45:38,892
Oh, man, give peace a chance.

775
00:45:38,986 --> 00:45:40,568
I mean, what are you going to do?

776
00:45:40,655 --> 00:45:44,239
Hey, hey, John, we're guests.

777
00:45:44,325 --> 00:45:47,284
I fought for my country.

778
00:45:47,370 --> 00:45:49,327
Look at the jugs on her.

779
00:45:52,667 --> 00:45:55,080
Carp, get a load of this.

780
00:46:02,385 --> 00:46:04,752
No, no, that's good. I like that.

781
00:46:06,138 --> 00:46:08,255
Here we go.

782
00:46:08,349 --> 00:46:11,558
Beautiful. Beautiful.

783
00:46:11,644 --> 00:46:14,762
Want to try one of those "schmile"
pictures we talked about?

784
00:46:14,855 --> 00:46:17,097
- Okay.
- Why not, huh? We just...

785
00:46:17,191 --> 00:46:20,559
There we go. And... all set?

786
00:46:20,653 --> 00:46:21,734
Ready.

787
00:46:21,821 --> 00:46:22,857
Schmile.

788
00:46:22,947 --> 00:46:24,438
Schmile.

789
00:46:27,702 --> 00:46:29,034
Really great.

790
00:46:30,663 --> 00:46:32,905
<i>I'm a normal red-blooded American man.</i>

791
00:46:32,999 --> 00:46:35,082
<i>I like to look at naked women.</i>

792
00:46:35,167 --> 00:46:37,705
<i>I love breasts, any kind.</i>

793
00:46:37,795 --> 00:46:39,286
<i>I love them.</i>

794
00:46:39,380 --> 00:46:41,087
<i>Boobs, bazooms, balloons,</i>

795
00:46:41,173 --> 00:46:44,587
<i>bags, bazongas, the bigger the better.</i>

796
00:46:44,677 --> 00:46:47,135
<i>Nipples like udders, nipples like saucers,</i>

797
00:46:47,221 --> 00:46:49,087
<i>Big pale, rosy brown nipples.</i>

798
00:46:49,181 --> 00:46:51,218
<i>Little, bitty, baby nipples.</i>

799
00:46:51,309 --> 00:46:53,346
<i>Real or fake, what's the difference?</i>

800
00:46:53,436 --> 00:46:55,769
<i>I like tits. Who's kidding who?</i>

801
00:46:57,440 --> 00:46:58,897
<i>Tits are great.</i>

802
00:47:06,991 --> 00:47:08,857
- There you are, sir.
- Thank you very much.

803
00:47:08,951 --> 00:47:11,159
Oh, I just... So, you...

804
00:47:11,245 --> 00:47:15,489
So you actually
went to Las Vegas with, uh...

805
00:47:15,583 --> 00:47:18,166
You can't even say his name?

806
00:47:18,252 --> 00:47:20,209
Come on. I told you I was going.

807
00:47:21,297 --> 00:47:25,041
Sure, but I didn't think
you were really going to do it.

808
00:47:25,843 --> 00:47:29,587
Bob, honey, you're already married.

809
00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:32,297
She doesn't understand this life.

810
00:47:32,391 --> 00:47:34,633
She'd rather be back in Connecticut.

811
00:47:34,727 --> 00:47:37,060
Yeah, well, she's not
a Hollywood person, you know?

812
00:47:37,146 --> 00:47:38,637
She's so good, though. She's like a...

813
00:47:38,731 --> 00:47:40,222
A saint?

814
00:47:40,316 --> 00:47:42,683
Come on, don't let her do that to you.

815
00:47:42,777 --> 00:47:45,110
You are a good man.

816
00:47:45,196 --> 00:47:46,812
What about the press?

817
00:47:48,282 --> 00:47:49,693
The public reaction?

818
00:47:49,784 --> 00:47:52,026
We've got nothing to be ashamed of.

819
00:47:52,119 --> 00:47:55,738
You know, Ed actually suggested
we get married on the set.

820
00:47:55,831 --> 00:47:57,618
CBS would love it.

821
00:47:57,708 --> 00:47:59,244
Publicity.

822
00:48:00,503 --> 00:48:04,668
Hey, you remember what you said to me
the first time we had dinner together?

823
00:48:04,757 --> 00:48:06,919
- Yeah, that I was fluent in English.
- Oh.

824
00:48:11,722 --> 00:48:15,511
You said you wanted to find a woman
who understands you.

825
00:48:15,601 --> 00:48:17,342
I do. I do.

826
00:48:20,981 --> 00:48:23,644
You know, I have to let you in
on a little secret, baby.

827
00:48:25,736 --> 00:48:28,695
The other women,
I know all about them.

828
00:48:33,244 --> 00:48:34,906
You're okay with that?

829
00:48:35,996 --> 00:48:39,080
We only go around once in this life.

830
00:48:39,166 --> 00:48:41,283
I never want to have to lie
about who I am,

831
00:48:41,377 --> 00:48:44,461
and I never want you to have to lie
about who you are.

832
00:48:45,756 --> 00:48:48,339
You're not going to change.

833
00:48:48,426 --> 00:48:51,510
I know who you are, and I love you.

834
00:48:51,595 --> 00:48:53,461
And I love fucking you.

835
00:49:00,438 --> 00:49:03,055
We can have any kind of marriage we want.

836
00:49:05,901 --> 00:49:09,065
You know, I... it can be such a drag.

837
00:49:09,155 --> 00:49:11,647
I mean, chatting up broads.

838
00:49:11,740 --> 00:49:14,608
You know me.
I'm a gentleman. I don't push.

839
00:49:14,702 --> 00:49:17,991
But you got to draw her out,
get her to talk about herself,

840
00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:20,618
listen to her problems,
act like you give a shit

841
00:49:20,708 --> 00:49:22,916
just to get her clothes off,
and then not even then.

842
00:49:23,002 --> 00:49:24,914
That's life with the ladies.

843
00:49:25,004 --> 00:49:27,212
Bobby just comes in
with that crooked smile

844
00:49:27,298 --> 00:49:29,881
and gets a strike
on the fricking line every time.

845
00:49:29,967 --> 00:49:31,879
Bob's got to be careful.

846
00:49:31,969 --> 00:49:33,585
- What do you mean?
- I warned him.

847
00:49:35,264 --> 00:49:40,555
He shows me his car full of
nudie pictures of him getting sucked off.

848
00:49:40,644 --> 00:49:42,681
I said, "Bob, you're a big star.

849
00:49:42,771 --> 00:49:45,309
What happens if you
get pulled over by the cops?"

850
00:49:45,399 --> 00:49:49,894
He'd hit on the Virgin Mary with
Jesus standing right there if he could.

851
00:49:49,987 --> 00:49:52,274
Richard, you are so bad.

852
00:49:52,364 --> 00:49:54,697
Hey, what's with this
new Sony color system?

853
00:49:55,784 --> 00:49:57,275
I'm not with Sony anymore.

854
00:49:57,369 --> 00:49:58,985
I switched to Akai.

855
00:49:59,079 --> 00:50:00,445
Really?

856
00:50:00,539 --> 00:50:02,656
Bob is just coming through the gate.

857
00:50:02,750 --> 00:50:04,537
- It's about bloody time.
- I'd better go.

858
00:50:04,627 --> 00:50:06,334
Listen, you don't need him.

859
00:50:06,420 --> 00:50:08,878
No, I'd better run.

860
00:50:08,964 --> 00:50:11,081
I put that stuff you wanted in
your trailer.

861
00:50:11,175 --> 00:50:13,041
If you have any questions, call me.

862
00:50:14,303 --> 00:50:15,885
Hey, man.

863
00:50:16,931 --> 00:50:18,718
Good morning, Bob.

864
00:50:18,807 --> 00:50:20,423
Morning, Clary.

865
00:50:20,518 --> 00:50:21,725
<i>Herr</i> Hogan.

866
00:50:21,810 --> 00:50:23,767
Had a late night, did we, Bob?

867
00:50:23,854 --> 00:50:27,689
Armand, you do your job, and I'll do mine.

868
00:50:27,775 --> 00:50:28,856
Stand aside!

869
00:50:28,943 --> 00:50:31,356
Magician at work.

870
00:50:34,823 --> 00:50:36,109
Take four.

871
00:50:37,243 --> 00:50:39,109
And... action!

872
00:50:39,203 --> 00:50:42,071
I'm serious about this, Hogan.

873
00:50:42,164 --> 00:50:45,123
Well, colonel, it's not really
my responsibility, now is it?

874
00:50:45,209 --> 00:50:46,825
Hogan, I'm counting on you.

875
00:50:48,295 --> 00:50:50,878
Well, I'll see what LeBeau can do.

876
00:50:50,965 --> 00:50:52,922
What did you say?

877
00:51:00,432 --> 00:51:03,391
Hogan, what's bothering you?

878
00:51:08,274 --> 00:51:11,392
It would appear Colonel Hogan
is daydreaming again.

879
00:51:11,485 --> 00:51:13,067
What is this?

880
00:51:13,153 --> 00:51:16,237
You will tell us everything,
Colonel Hogan,

881
00:51:16,323 --> 00:51:18,315
or we have ways of making you talk.

882
00:51:18,409 --> 00:51:21,197
What's, uh, what's going on here?

883
00:51:21,287 --> 00:51:22,994
You will tell us now.

884
00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:25,618
Well, I don't know what to do.

885
00:51:25,708 --> 00:51:28,121
Patti wants to get married,
but I can't do that to Anne.

886
00:51:28,210 --> 00:51:30,293
I'd never forgive myself.

887
00:51:30,379 --> 00:51:32,291
Himmler was once in a similar situation.

888
00:51:32,381 --> 00:51:33,792
What did he do?

889
00:51:33,882 --> 00:51:36,340
He sent the wife and the mistress
to Dachau.

890
00:51:36,427 --> 00:51:38,339
Tell me more.

891
00:51:38,429 --> 00:51:40,261
All I think about all day long is sex.

892
00:51:42,224 --> 00:51:44,432
Having sex, filming sex,

893
00:51:44,518 --> 00:51:47,306
watching sex...

894
00:51:47,396 --> 00:51:51,265
Hogan, that's all any of us
really think about.

895
00:51:51,358 --> 00:51:53,941
Ha-ha-ha-ha!

896
00:51:54,028 --> 00:51:55,519
Nobody else has
their own video specialist.

897
00:51:55,613 --> 00:51:57,980
Video specialist?

898
00:51:58,073 --> 00:52:01,487
Yeah, only mine's a fruit,
or a half-fruit, whatever it's called.

899
00:52:01,577 --> 00:52:03,284
You must send him
to the Russian front.

900
00:52:03,370 --> 00:52:05,612
No! No, I can't replace him.

901
00:52:05,706 --> 00:52:08,119
The sex thing, the Patti thing,
the fruit thing.

902
00:52:08,208 --> 00:52:10,416
I don't even recognize
my own life anymore.

903
00:52:12,379 --> 00:52:14,245
I'm ready for you, Hogan.

904
00:52:15,924 --> 00:52:19,088
- What?
- It'll be a modern marriage.

905
00:52:20,679 --> 00:52:23,092
Klink and Schultzie can join in too.

906
00:52:24,308 --> 00:52:26,300
Come on, Hogan.

907
00:52:26,393 --> 00:52:28,385
Fuck me right here!

908
00:52:32,608 --> 00:52:34,270
The lighting's perfect!

909
00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:36,147
Go for it, Big Daddy.

910
00:52:36,236 --> 00:52:37,977
I've got you covered.

911
00:52:38,072 --> 00:52:41,156
Bob, huh? What do you say?

912
00:52:44,828 --> 00:52:47,195
Go ahead. Fuck her, Bob.

913
00:52:49,583 --> 00:52:51,540
Go balls deep, Pop!

914
00:52:53,212 --> 00:52:57,331
No, I can't. Klink,
tell me what to do. What's the answer?

915
00:52:57,424 --> 00:53:02,419
The answer? We don't have answers.
We're Nazis! Dismissed!

916
00:53:05,683 --> 00:53:07,970
Dismissed, Hogan!

917
00:53:11,355 --> 00:53:13,938
Dismissed, Hogan!

918
00:53:15,275 --> 00:53:16,482
Hogan?

919
00:53:18,070 --> 00:53:19,857
Bob?

920
00:53:20,489 --> 00:53:22,355
Huh?

921
00:53:22,449 --> 00:53:24,156
Are you with us?

922
00:53:24,243 --> 00:53:26,075
You look like you're drifting off there.

923
00:53:28,288 --> 00:53:31,702
Yeah, sorry. Where were we?

924
00:54:11,331 --> 00:54:13,243
Anne?

925
00:54:13,333 --> 00:54:14,619
Oh...

926
00:54:18,005 --> 00:54:19,667
Hey.

927
00:54:23,093 --> 00:54:26,336
Oh, what a day.

928
00:54:29,558 --> 00:54:33,142
I was, um, cleaning up today,

929
00:54:33,228 --> 00:54:35,345
and I went into your dark room.

930
00:54:35,439 --> 00:54:38,102
Yeah, why'd you do that?

931
00:54:38,192 --> 00:54:41,060
I saw them.

932
00:54:41,153 --> 00:54:43,019
Photography studies.

933
00:54:50,871 --> 00:54:53,079
There was picture after picture.

934
00:54:55,626 --> 00:54:58,289
You know I sometimes
play the drums at the clubs.

935
00:54:58,378 --> 00:55:00,495
How many women are there?

936
00:55:03,091 --> 00:55:05,424
We need counseling.

937
00:55:05,511 --> 00:55:08,345
- How many?
- Anne, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

938
00:55:14,228 --> 00:55:15,969
Anne, Anne, I'm sorry.

939
00:55:16,063 --> 00:55:18,180
You think the children
would be proud of you?

940
00:55:18,273 --> 00:55:20,230
I'm sorry.

941
00:55:42,339 --> 00:55:44,547
I pronounce you man and wife.

942
00:55:44,633 --> 00:55:46,465
You may kiss the bride.

943
00:55:49,513 --> 00:55:52,426
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. and Mrs. Robert Crane.

944
00:55:55,477 --> 00:55:59,642
Hogan's Heroes
<i>left the airwaves on July 4, 1971</i>

945
00:55:59,731 --> 00:56:02,769
<i>after 6 seasons and 186 shows.</i>

946
00:56:03,360 --> 00:56:04,771
Whoo-hoo!

947
00:56:04,862 --> 00:56:06,728
<i>I was determined to do right byAnne.</i>

948
00:56:06,822 --> 00:56:11,908
<i>In the settlement, she got the house,
the car, and custody of the children.</i>

949
00:56:14,121 --> 00:56:15,737
Patti's pregnant.

950
00:56:15,831 --> 00:56:17,663
I need work.

951
00:56:19,459 --> 00:56:22,748
Sid, how are you, my friend?

952
00:56:22,838 --> 00:56:26,127
What kind of roles
you want me to be looking for?

953
00:56:26,216 --> 00:56:27,206
Anything.

954
00:56:28,176 --> 00:56:31,214
I got a Westwood mortgage,
alimony, child support.

955
00:56:31,305 --> 00:56:33,137
I got a baby on the way.

956
00:56:33,223 --> 00:56:36,182
She got pregnant?
I thought you said you had the...

957
00:56:36,268 --> 00:56:38,055
Vasectomy.

958
00:56:38,145 --> 00:56:39,761
It leaks.

959
00:56:39,855 --> 00:56:42,063
It leaks?

960
00:56:42,149 --> 00:56:43,856
I need work.

961
00:56:43,942 --> 00:56:45,149
I don't understand.

962
00:56:45,235 --> 00:56:46,601
You were on <i>Hogan's</i> for six years.

963
00:56:46,695 --> 00:56:49,233
The thing was a hit.
You didn't save any money?

964
00:56:53,994 --> 00:56:55,735
This is not a good time for film roles.

965
00:56:55,829 --> 00:56:58,162
Bobby Darin.

966
00:56:58,248 --> 00:57:01,867
- Bobby Darin gets film roles.
- Well, he's married to Sandra Dee.

967
00:57:04,171 --> 00:57:06,083
You'd have to audition.

968
00:57:06,173 --> 00:57:07,584
Whatever it takes.

969
00:57:08,800 --> 00:57:11,668
I just want to leave Hogan
and the leather jacket behind me

970
00:57:11,762 --> 00:57:13,754
for once and for all, you know?

971
00:57:13,847 --> 00:57:15,964
<i>According to the Washington Post,</i>

972
00:57:16,058 --> 00:57:18,095
<i>while still in office as Attorney General,</i>

973
00:57:18,185 --> 00:57:22,054
<i>John Mitchell had personally controlled
a secret Republican fund.</i>

974
00:57:22,147 --> 00:57:24,981
<i>Mitchell vehemently denied
any such involvement</i>

975
00:57:25,067 --> 00:57:27,184
<i>and called the story "ludicrous."</i>

976
00:57:27,277 --> 00:57:28,518
<i>Vice President Agnew...</i>

977
00:57:28,612 --> 00:57:30,444
Bob, you are not a failure.

978
00:57:30,530 --> 00:57:35,070
This mortgage is eating me alive.
I'm drowning in debt.

979
00:57:36,828 --> 00:57:40,071
You know, I've never gone this long ever
without work before.

980
00:57:40,165 --> 00:57:42,953
I'll get it.

981
00:57:43,043 --> 00:57:44,659
Hello.

982
00:57:44,753 --> 00:57:48,918
Yeah? Yeah.
No, I just got held up. Great.

983
00:57:49,424 --> 00:57:51,632
It's John, isn't it?

984
00:57:51,718 --> 00:57:53,960
You said we were gonna
spend tonight together.

985
00:57:54,054 --> 00:57:59,015
I know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I just... I just gotta get out.

986
00:57:59,101 --> 00:58:02,094
Okay, this thinking,
dwelling on my problems,

987
00:58:02,187 --> 00:58:05,476
it's driving me crazy.

988
00:58:05,565 --> 00:58:07,648
It's lonely in this house without you.

989
00:58:07,734 --> 00:58:10,067
I know. Listen...
Tomorrow night. Tomorrow night.

990
00:58:10,153 --> 00:58:12,065
You and I. Us.

991
00:58:12,155 --> 00:58:13,362
Promise?

992
00:58:14,908 --> 00:58:17,116
- Promise?
- Promise!

993
00:58:17,911 --> 00:58:19,152
Bad boy!

994
00:58:20,080 --> 00:58:21,446
Get out!

995
00:58:35,512 --> 00:58:37,174
You know what time it is?

996
00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:44,931
It's fuck time.

997
00:58:54,031 --> 00:58:56,398
Let's hear it
for the inimitable Miss Kitty,

998
00:58:56,491 --> 00:58:59,655
now totally nude, yeah.

999
00:58:59,745 --> 00:59:02,613
And once again, our old friend,
Colonel Hogan.

1000
00:59:02,706 --> 00:59:06,245
Robert Crane. Thanks again, Bob.

1001
00:59:06,334 --> 00:59:09,327
We're gonna take a little pause
for the cause. Be back in 10.

1002
00:59:09,421 --> 00:59:13,165
Well, I was in radio for 15 years.

1003
00:59:13,258 --> 00:59:16,092
I was 6 years in Bridgeport, Connecticut,

1004
00:59:16,178 --> 00:59:20,092
9 here in Los Angeles,
6 years on <i>Hogan's.</i>

1005
00:59:20,182 --> 00:59:24,267
Wow. That's 20 years of solid work.

1006
00:59:24,352 --> 00:59:28,062
Rotten to be out of work.

1007
00:59:28,148 --> 00:59:30,640
You've been bad.

1008
00:59:30,734 --> 00:59:32,020
Yes, I have.

1009
00:59:32,110 --> 00:59:34,477
Mm.

1010
00:59:34,571 --> 00:59:37,188
I know what to do with boys like you.

1011
00:59:38,992 --> 00:59:40,278
Hm?

1012
00:59:41,870 --> 00:59:46,035
Well, stripping is
a part-time thing for me.

1013
00:59:46,124 --> 00:59:49,538
Mostly, I'm a dominatrix.

1014
00:59:51,922 --> 00:59:54,960
Here I'm Melissa.

1015
00:59:55,050 --> 01:00:00,671
But, uh,
my real self is Mistress Victoria.

1016
01:00:00,764 --> 01:00:02,130
You, you...

1017
01:00:02,224 --> 01:00:06,343
You will respect Mistress Victoria.

1018
01:00:11,525 --> 01:00:14,268
Are you joking?

1019
01:00:16,029 --> 01:00:17,691
You tell me.

1020
01:00:19,157 --> 01:00:21,274
<i>It's hard to explain, Carp.</i>

1021
01:00:22,536 --> 01:00:24,653
<i>You ever been on a roller coaster?</i>

1022
01:00:24,746 --> 01:00:31,118
You know that feeling you get
when you take that first plunge?

1023
01:00:31,211 --> 01:00:32,747
Yeah, sure.

1024
01:00:32,838 --> 01:00:36,798
Well, imagine getting off
while you're zooming straight down,

1025
01:00:36,883 --> 01:00:40,752
and your heart is going, you know,

1026
01:00:40,846 --> 01:00:43,805
thump, thump, thump.

1027
01:00:43,890 --> 01:00:45,131
It's...

1028
01:00:47,644 --> 01:00:49,385
That's what it's like.

1029
01:00:49,479 --> 01:00:51,391
There's no way to compare it.

1030
01:00:53,275 --> 01:00:55,107
Wow.

1031
01:00:57,737 --> 01:00:59,820
It's dead air.

1032
01:00:59,906 --> 01:01:01,238
What?

1033
01:01:01,324 --> 01:01:03,361
Dead air.

1034
01:01:03,451 --> 01:01:06,785
Dead air. It's the one thing
every disc jockey knows.

1035
01:01:06,872 --> 01:01:08,989
Don't get stuck with dead air.

1036
01:01:09,082 --> 01:01:11,290
I swear to God,

1037
01:01:11,376 --> 01:01:14,039
I've worked and I've worked,
and I got dead air.

1038
01:01:14,129 --> 01:01:16,371
Oh, I hate it.

1039
01:01:22,470 --> 01:01:25,008
Dinner theater.

1040
01:01:26,433 --> 01:01:28,220
You're kidding.

1041
01:01:28,310 --> 01:01:31,303
Why? You've done summer theater.

1042
01:01:31,396 --> 01:01:33,479
That was summer theater!

1043
01:01:33,565 --> 01:01:37,184
That was to keep busy,
not something to do during prime time!

1044
01:01:37,277 --> 01:01:40,770
Dick Van Dyke does dinner theater
and Jim Nabors, Andy Griffith.

1045
01:01:40,864 --> 01:01:44,483
Maybe I need a new agent.
Maybe you're the problem.

1046
01:01:49,623 --> 01:01:52,206
All right. Here's the phone.

1047
01:01:53,877 --> 01:01:56,290
Who do you want to call?
I've got all their numbers.

1048
01:02:00,550 --> 01:02:03,258
Len, that's not what I meant.

1049
01:02:03,345 --> 01:02:06,338
Look, I'm not the one coming in here
saying that he's going crazy without work.

1050
01:02:06,431 --> 01:02:08,172
I'm trying to help you.

1051
01:02:13,855 --> 01:02:15,517
Just keep trying.

1052
01:02:17,108 --> 01:02:19,475
Something's got to turn up.

1053
01:02:19,569 --> 01:02:20,855
What the hell is that?

1054
01:02:20,946 --> 01:02:21,936
Sounds like fire engines.

1055
01:02:22,030 --> 01:02:23,896
Well, I know that.

1056
01:02:23,990 --> 01:02:25,902
Oh, look,
and they're right on our street.

1057
01:02:25,992 --> 01:02:27,984
My God!

1058
01:02:28,078 --> 01:02:29,614
The building's on fire!

1059
01:02:29,704 --> 01:02:32,412
Oh, look at all the police cars
and the photographers.

1060
01:02:32,499 --> 01:02:34,582
Photographers?

1061
01:02:34,668 --> 01:02:36,534
Shh.

1062
01:02:39,339 --> 01:02:40,796
Photographers?

1063
01:02:40,882 --> 01:02:42,874
Oh, look, and there's the mayor too.

1064
01:02:42,968 --> 01:02:44,084
Is my wife down there?

1065
01:02:44,177 --> 01:02:45,418
Uh, what does she look like?

1066
01:02:45,512 --> 01:02:47,299
I can't remember.

1067
01:02:47,389 --> 01:02:49,722
<i>The play was called</i> Beginner's Luck,

1068
01:02:49,808 --> 01:02:51,925
<i>a sophisticated sex comedy.</i>

1069
01:02:52,018 --> 01:02:54,431
<i>We played dinner theaters
around the country.</i>

1070
01:02:54,521 --> 01:02:56,979
<i>Patti and I performed shows together,</i>

1071
01:02:57,065 --> 01:03:00,399
<i>but it became clear that for Scotty's
sake, she should stay in Los Angeles.</i>

1072
01:03:01,111 --> 01:03:02,977
- Scotty.
- Scotty!

1073
01:03:03,071 --> 01:03:05,484
Wait! Wait! Hey, hey, hey.

1074
01:03:05,573 --> 01:03:07,485
Oh, I got him.

1075
01:03:07,575 --> 01:03:09,487
You sure everything's
going to be all right?

1076
01:03:09,577 --> 01:03:11,489
Yeah, the new actress
comes in this afternoon.

1077
01:03:11,579 --> 01:03:13,366
She knows the role.
We got four days.

1078
01:03:13,456 --> 01:03:16,119
I mean all right with you.
You seem so tense lately.

1079
01:03:16,209 --> 01:03:17,950
Honey, I'm carrying the whole production.

1080
01:03:18,044 --> 01:03:19,660
I'm directing. I'm booking.

1081
01:03:19,754 --> 01:03:21,370
I'm working the crowd.

1082
01:03:21,464 --> 01:03:22,671
You'll be home in three weeks, right?

1083
01:03:22,757 --> 01:03:24,373
Unless they boo us off.

1084
01:03:24,467 --> 01:03:25,924
They love you, Bob.

1085
01:03:26,011 --> 01:03:27,422
Honey...

1086
01:03:27,512 --> 01:03:29,424
Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

1087
01:03:31,433 --> 01:03:32,640
Come here.

1088
01:03:32,726 --> 01:03:35,059
Hm? Come on.

1089
01:03:35,145 --> 01:03:36,932
Everybody loves you, Bob.

1090
01:03:43,737 --> 01:03:44,648
Have a nice flight.

1091
01:03:44,738 --> 01:03:47,230
<i>Pacific Southwest Airlines Flight 287</i>

1092
01:03:47,324 --> 01:03:51,068
<i>is now arriving at Gate 35
from Los Angeles.</i>

1093
01:04:07,177 --> 01:04:08,418
Hey!

1094
01:04:08,511 --> 01:04:09,968
Big Daddy!

1095
01:04:10,055 --> 01:04:11,842
Voilà!

1096
01:04:11,931 --> 01:04:13,422
What is that?

1097
01:04:13,516 --> 01:04:17,760
A videocassette. It's brand-new.
It has the reel-to-reel inside the casing.

1098
01:04:17,854 --> 01:04:20,187
My God.

1099
01:04:20,273 --> 01:04:22,890
Any trouble with the luggage?

1100
01:04:22,984 --> 01:04:25,146
We're gonna need a skycart.

1101
01:04:25,862 --> 01:04:27,899
Well, you know, that's just the thing.

1102
01:04:27,989 --> 01:04:30,026
With women,
if they have a good sound...

1103
01:04:30,116 --> 01:04:32,028
You know, Patti loves it.

1104
01:04:32,118 --> 01:04:35,862
You know, we need a tape, huh? A music
tape. Like a recording or something.

1105
01:04:35,955 --> 01:04:39,369
Yeah, you know,
just to get the chicks in the mood.

1106
01:04:39,459 --> 01:04:41,325
That's a fabulous idea.
It's a fabulous idea.

1107
01:05:01,022 --> 01:05:04,561
We have so much fun here.
We just love Columbus audiences.

1108
01:05:04,651 --> 01:05:08,110
We like after the show to take
a couple questions from the audience.

1109
01:05:12,659 --> 01:05:15,242
So, uh, let's start...

1110
01:05:18,289 --> 01:05:19,700
Here.

1111
01:05:32,762 --> 01:05:35,254
St. Louis audiences are fantastic.

1112
01:05:35,348 --> 01:05:38,091
I'd be happy to sign
some autographs after the show.

1113
01:05:38,184 --> 01:05:40,096
I ask one thing.

1114
01:05:40,186 --> 01:05:42,143
Don't throw them out
while I'm still present.

1115
01:05:54,951 --> 01:05:57,068
Well, what do y'all do for fun
here in Dallas?

1116
01:05:57,162 --> 01:06:01,577
I hear the place to be on a Thursday night
is a club called Lucky's.

1117
01:06:08,756 --> 01:06:13,296
So, uh, I guess that's where you'll
find me and some of the crew tonight,

1118
01:06:13,386 --> 01:06:14,843
if you're looking for company.

1119
01:06:14,929 --> 01:06:16,215
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

1120
01:06:16,306 --> 01:06:18,218
Over here! Over here!

1121
01:06:19,309 --> 01:06:20,595
Whoa!

1122
01:06:21,686 --> 01:06:23,177
You all right?

1123
01:06:23,271 --> 01:06:25,263
Yep.

1124
01:06:25,356 --> 01:06:26,437
Ha ha ha!

1125
01:06:44,209 --> 01:06:46,075
Carpy?

1126
01:06:46,169 --> 01:06:47,410
Sleeping beauty.

1127
01:06:47,504 --> 01:06:49,291
Where you been?

1128
01:06:49,380 --> 01:06:51,337
While you were catching Zs,

1129
01:06:51,424 --> 01:06:55,043
I, your loyal musketeer,

1130
01:06:55,136 --> 01:06:57,674
was out at the porn theater

1131
01:06:57,764 --> 01:07:00,097
shooting a copy of <i>Deep Throat</i>

1132
01:07:00,183 --> 01:07:02,470
off the screen.

1133
01:07:02,560 --> 01:07:03,641
You can do that?

1134
01:07:03,728 --> 01:07:05,219
I had to use your name.

1135
01:07:05,313 --> 01:07:07,225
I picked up some swing magazines.

1136
01:07:07,315 --> 01:07:08,931
This is a big town for swinging.

1137
01:07:09,025 --> 01:07:11,358
- We should just do it.
- What?

1138
01:07:11,444 --> 01:07:14,562
Just make a big-budget sex film.

1139
01:07:14,656 --> 01:07:19,617
You know, get some, uh...
get some big star like, uh...

1140
01:07:20,745 --> 01:07:21,906
Stella Stevens.

1141
01:07:21,996 --> 01:07:23,828
She'd never do it.

1142
01:07:23,915 --> 01:07:25,201
Oh, hell, yeah. Yeah, Carp.

1143
01:07:25,291 --> 01:07:28,455
Oh, yeah, if you pay her enough.
She's an actress.

1144
01:07:29,671 --> 01:07:33,585
Wow, you could charge like 10 bucks
for something like that.

1145
01:07:33,675 --> 01:07:37,168
Hey, look at this.

1146
01:07:37,262 --> 01:07:39,424
- Look at my dick.
- Hm?

1147
01:07:39,514 --> 01:07:41,801
- Look at my dick.
- I've seen your dick before.

1148
01:07:43,434 --> 01:07:44,641
Look closer.

1149
01:07:44,727 --> 01:07:46,844
I don't want to look closer.

1150
01:07:46,938 --> 01:07:48,099
Look, damn it!

1151
01:07:51,693 --> 01:07:53,650
See anything different?

1152
01:07:53,736 --> 01:07:57,696
What am I supposed to say? It's bigger?

1153
01:07:58,783 --> 01:08:00,149
Is it?

1154
01:08:02,745 --> 01:08:06,159
How? You did it, didn't you?

1155
01:08:06,249 --> 01:08:08,332
Last time I was in LA.

1156
01:08:08,418 --> 01:08:09,625
A penile enhancement.

1157
01:08:09,711 --> 01:08:13,421
Wow, it's thicker.
How much did it cost?

1158
01:08:13,506 --> 01:08:15,338
- Well, if you're gonna be in the movies...
- Looks great.

1159
01:08:15,425 --> 01:08:17,417
...gotta do what you gotta do.

1160
01:08:17,510 --> 01:08:19,217
Hey, a day without sex...

1161
01:08:19,304 --> 01:08:21,717
...is a day wasted.

1162
01:08:21,806 --> 01:08:23,388
Bob Crane.

1163
01:08:23,474 --> 01:08:26,842
Hey, Lenny. You're kidding me.

1164
01:08:26,936 --> 01:08:28,677
Run it by me again.

1165
01:08:30,857 --> 01:08:33,099
No, no, no. That's...

1166
01:08:33,192 --> 01:08:34,728
That's great.

1167
01:08:34,819 --> 01:08:37,436
Disney's offering me
a movie...<i>Superdad.</i>

1168
01:08:37,530 --> 01:08:41,740
No, no, no, no, no.
Just tell them I've got some commitments.

1169
01:08:41,826 --> 01:08:43,192
Don't blow this, Lenny.

1170
01:08:43,286 --> 01:08:45,448
Don't blow it. I want this job.

1171
01:08:45,538 --> 01:08:47,450
I need this job, okay?

1172
01:08:47,540 --> 01:08:49,577
No, it's fabulous!

1173
01:08:49,667 --> 01:08:53,251
Yeah, I'll call you later. Yeah.

1174
01:08:57,175 --> 01:08:59,212
Guess who's playing <i>Superdad.</i>

1175
01:09:00,511 --> 01:09:02,047
Me.

1176
01:09:04,223 --> 01:09:06,590
So much for our big plans.

1177
01:09:09,354 --> 01:09:10,595
Don't give me that look.

1178
01:09:10,688 --> 01:09:12,975
This is good for both of us.

1179
01:09:13,066 --> 01:09:15,433
- Oh, is it?
- Yeah.

1180
01:09:15,526 --> 01:09:17,438
I'm back in play again.

1181
01:09:17,528 --> 01:09:19,736
The big time.

1182
01:09:19,822 --> 01:09:21,779
Sweets, how are you?

1183
01:09:21,866 --> 01:09:23,778
- I'm fine.
- Smile.

1184
01:09:24,702 --> 01:09:25,909
Lenny!

1185
01:09:25,995 --> 01:09:28,203
- Hey.
- You came by.

1186
01:09:29,707 --> 01:09:31,289
It's 20 minutes.

1187
01:09:31,376 --> 01:09:34,619
They're turning around the lights.
You want to go in my trailer?

1188
01:09:37,715 --> 01:09:40,423
Uh, I got a call from Disney.

1189
01:09:41,386 --> 01:09:45,972
Apparently some joker from <i>The Enquirer</i>
took pictures of you in a topless bar.

1190
01:09:46,057 --> 01:09:47,923
Uh-huh.

1191
01:09:50,978 --> 01:09:54,346
Bob, this is Disney.
Don't fucking blow this.

1192
01:09:54,440 --> 01:09:58,480
I'm a family man, a one-woman man.
Always have been.

1193
01:09:59,779 --> 01:10:02,647
What about the photo albums?

1194
01:10:02,740 --> 01:10:05,448
Those pictures you show people,
you know,

1195
01:10:05,535 --> 01:10:07,948
not everyone thinks
about things the way you do.

1196
01:10:08,037 --> 01:10:11,701
It turns people off,
and word gets around, believe me.

1197
01:10:11,791 --> 01:10:13,032
Who'd I show them to?

1198
01:10:13,126 --> 01:10:14,662
You show them to everybody.

1199
01:10:14,752 --> 01:10:16,414
Don't be a square.

1200
01:10:18,005 --> 01:10:22,340
Is it true you showed them to
Donna Reed and she ran out? Huh?

1201
01:10:22,427 --> 01:10:26,341
I may be horny, but I'm not stupid.

1202
01:10:26,431 --> 01:10:28,764
There could be
a very serious conflict here

1203
01:10:28,850 --> 01:10:31,217
between your lifestyle and your career.

1204
01:10:32,478 --> 01:10:34,470
You don't see this?

1205
01:10:34,564 --> 01:10:35,896
I'm normal.

1206
01:10:37,316 --> 01:10:40,900
- Sex is not the answer.
- I know that, Lenny. It's the question.

1207
01:10:40,987 --> 01:10:43,070
"Yes" is the answer.

1208
01:10:43,156 --> 01:10:44,863
Bob, I'm just saying...

1209
01:10:44,949 --> 01:10:47,157
just try to be a little discrete.

1210
01:10:47,243 --> 01:10:48,654
Huh?

1211
01:10:50,413 --> 01:10:52,120
Come on in for a minute.

1212
01:10:52,206 --> 01:10:54,198
I got to get back to the office.

1213
01:10:54,292 --> 01:10:55,703
Well, call me!

1214
01:11:00,631 --> 01:11:02,668
This is it.

1215
01:11:02,759 --> 01:11:04,671
Here we are...

1216
01:11:05,970 --> 01:11:07,802
Batman and Robin.

1217
01:11:08,890 --> 01:11:11,052
Lone Ranger and Tonto.

1218
01:11:12,101 --> 01:11:14,218
Hi-yo, Silver...

1219
01:11:14,312 --> 01:11:15,348
Away! Away!

1220
01:11:15,438 --> 01:11:17,896
Come on in, guys. Join the party.

1221
01:11:17,982 --> 01:11:19,598
Whoo!

1222
01:11:19,692 --> 01:11:21,775
- What's going on?
- Janet! Janet!

1223
01:11:21,861 --> 01:11:25,571
- What's coming off?
- What's going down?

1224
01:11:25,656 --> 01:11:29,570
<i>All your life
you're the lucky guy, the funny guy.</i>

1225
01:11:29,660 --> 01:11:31,697
<i>Then one day it all turns.</i>

1226
01:11:31,788 --> 01:11:34,371
<i>The jokes aren't funny.
The phone doesn't ring.</i>

1227
01:11:34,457 --> 01:11:36,915
<i>You're the same, but nothing else is.</i>

1228
01:11:37,001 --> 01:11:39,459
Superdad <i>sat on the shelf for a year,</i>

1229
01:11:39,545 --> 01:11:40,911
<i>then flopped.</i>

1230
01:11:41,005 --> 01:11:45,625
<i>I had to beg Disney
for a cameo in another film,</i> Gus,

1231
01:11:45,718 --> 01:11:48,552
<i>about a donkey who kicked field goals.</i>

1232
01:11:48,638 --> 01:11:50,379
<i>What do they want from me?</i>

1233
01:11:50,473 --> 01:11:55,764
<i>I don't drink. I don't smoke.
Two out ofthree ain't bad.</i>

1234
01:12:03,027 --> 01:12:04,563
Honey?

1235
01:12:04,654 --> 01:12:06,941
Got to go back on the road.

1236
01:12:07,031 --> 01:12:09,489
Bob, you're never home anymore.

1237
01:12:09,575 --> 01:12:12,033
You think dinner theater
makes me happy?

1238
01:12:13,204 --> 01:12:16,788
How do you think it makes me feel having
to do dinner theater to pay the bills?

1239
01:12:16,874 --> 01:12:19,787
Gee, I wouldn't know.
I'm just a housewife.

1240
01:12:19,877 --> 01:12:22,836
Well, maybe you need a new hobby.

1241
01:12:22,922 --> 01:12:24,754
You thought about that?

1242
01:12:27,385 --> 01:12:30,219
Maybe I need a new husband.

1243
01:12:31,138 --> 01:12:33,755
Hey, everything I do
is for you and Scotty.

1244
01:12:33,850 --> 01:12:38,185
Come on. The house, the furniture,
the Caddy that you drive.

1245
01:12:39,522 --> 01:12:41,935
I just want someone here.

1246
01:12:43,025 --> 01:12:45,062
You're never home anymore.

1247
01:12:45,152 --> 01:12:48,486
And when you are,
you're downstairs editing your videos.

1248
01:12:50,491 --> 01:12:53,074
What, you want me to cancel
my next engagement, just cancel it?

1249
01:12:53,160 --> 01:12:57,154
- Yes.
- I can't! It's a contract.

1250
01:12:57,248 --> 01:13:00,082
Marriage is a contract.

1251
01:13:01,669 --> 01:13:03,911
Maybe we should just cancel that too.

1252
01:13:08,885 --> 01:13:10,171
I booked Wichita.

1253
01:13:13,931 --> 01:13:15,672
<i>Is that thing on?</i>

1254
01:13:15,766 --> 01:13:18,258
<i>Huh? Oh, yeah.
Want me to turn it off?</i>

1255
01:13:20,021 --> 01:13:21,102
<i>Happy now?</i>

1256
01:13:21,188 --> 01:13:22,429
<i>Yeah.</i>

1257
01:13:49,091 --> 01:13:50,707
Bob?

1258
01:14:00,394 --> 01:14:01,760
Bob?

1259
01:14:13,532 --> 01:14:15,148
Hey, Big Daddy.

1260
01:14:15,242 --> 01:14:17,234
Carpy! You want a drink?

1261
01:14:17,328 --> 01:14:19,911
Look what I got. It's a timer.

1262
01:14:19,997 --> 01:14:23,115
Now we can put on the recorder
whenever we want,

1263
01:14:23,209 --> 01:14:24,791
tape shows right off the TV.

1264
01:14:24,877 --> 01:14:26,288
That's fantastic.

1265
01:14:26,379 --> 01:14:28,962
Like, if you want to watch
Johnny Carson at 11:30

1266
01:14:29,048 --> 01:14:31,040
and we're out hunting chicks,
we set the timer.

1267
01:14:31,133 --> 01:14:33,045
Boom!
We watch it in the morning.

1268
01:14:34,136 --> 01:14:37,254
Well, I'm gonna need a minute
to wrap my mind around that idea.

1269
01:14:37,348 --> 01:14:39,089
Pretty groovy, huh?

1270
01:14:39,183 --> 01:14:40,344
Huh.

1271
01:14:42,728 --> 01:14:45,766
You okay? You look kind of blue.

1272
01:14:45,856 --> 01:14:49,270
Just Patti and I having some problems.

1273
01:14:50,528 --> 01:14:52,815
Had to cancel the Wichita gig.

1274
01:14:53,739 --> 01:14:55,981
I thought you had
an arrangement with her.

1275
01:14:56,075 --> 01:14:57,782
You know how women are.

1276
01:14:57,868 --> 01:14:59,109
Yeah.

1277
01:15:01,122 --> 01:15:03,580
You got the right idea, really.

1278
01:15:04,667 --> 01:15:06,329
Live separately.

1279
01:15:07,336 --> 01:15:09,919
I'd miss her and Scotty too much.

1280
01:15:17,304 --> 01:15:19,546
This is making me hot.

1281
01:15:19,640 --> 01:15:22,257
What's her name again?

1282
01:15:22,351 --> 01:15:23,887
I'm not sure.

1283
01:15:23,978 --> 01:15:25,844
I could look it up in my records.

1284
01:15:25,938 --> 01:15:28,772
I got all this stuff.

1285
01:15:28,858 --> 01:15:30,941
The bush on her.

1286
01:15:31,027 --> 01:15:32,984
Wouldn't go near that
without a flashlight.

1287
01:15:34,071 --> 01:15:36,779
I did.

1288
01:15:38,576 --> 01:15:40,112
What is it about women, Carpy?

1289
01:15:40,202 --> 01:15:42,194
I mean, they tell you one thing,

1290
01:15:42,288 --> 01:15:45,247
and then they get you
and they change their minds.

1291
01:15:45,332 --> 01:15:47,699
Can't live with 'em.
Can't live without 'em.

1292
01:15:47,793 --> 01:15:50,160
You know,
truer words were never spoken.

1293
01:15:50,254 --> 01:15:52,587
Can't live with 'em.

1294
01:15:52,673 --> 01:15:55,040
Can't kill 'em.

1295
01:15:55,134 --> 01:15:57,592
I think this is Seattle.

1296
01:15:57,678 --> 01:16:00,045
Uh, no. Dallas.

1297
01:16:00,139 --> 01:16:01,801
Huh?

1298
01:16:01,891 --> 01:16:04,975
Look at the decor, the western picture.

1299
01:16:06,854 --> 01:16:08,595
Tits on her.

1300
01:16:08,689 --> 01:16:10,772
Yeah.

1301
01:16:20,701 --> 01:16:23,739
My God, the building's on fire!

1302
01:16:23,829 --> 01:16:26,287
Look at all those police cars
and photographers.

1303
01:16:26,373 --> 01:16:29,332
Photographers?
Oh, my God. The mayor's there too.

1304
01:16:29,418 --> 01:16:31,205
Do you see my wife out there?

1305
01:16:31,295 --> 01:16:32,627
What does she look like?

1306
01:16:32,713 --> 01:16:34,579
I don't remember!

1307
01:16:34,673 --> 01:16:36,130
Carpy?

1308
01:16:36,217 --> 01:16:37,674
Yeah?

1309
01:16:39,053 --> 01:16:40,715
Oh, yeah.

1310
01:16:40,805 --> 01:16:43,013
Yeah, it's great up here.

1311
01:16:43,099 --> 01:16:45,682
Last night? Uh, zilch.

1312
01:16:45,768 --> 01:16:47,725
But there's actually a story there.

1313
01:16:47,812 --> 01:16:50,805
Society babe. I did her friend.

1314
01:16:51,732 --> 01:16:55,191
She was all hot to go,
and then she got the heebie-jeebies.

1315
01:16:56,737 --> 01:16:58,319
When are you coming out?

1316
01:17:08,874 --> 01:17:12,083
Excuse me.
Mind switching that to channel nine?

1317
01:17:12,169 --> 01:17:13,751
I'd like to check something out.

1318
01:17:13,838 --> 01:17:15,124
You got it.

1319
01:17:33,232 --> 01:17:34,598
Maybe he'll talk to you.

1320
01:17:34,692 --> 01:17:36,558
Watch me.

1321
01:17:44,618 --> 01:17:45,859
Hi.

1322
01:17:45,953 --> 01:17:48,320
Hi.

1323
01:17:48,414 --> 01:17:49,780
I'm sorry to bother you.

1324
01:17:49,874 --> 01:17:54,335
It's just that I was sitting over there,
and I noticed the TV, and I... Is that you,

1325
01:17:54,420 --> 01:17:55,877
uh, on the TV, is that...

1326
01:17:55,963 --> 01:17:59,127
Oh, my gosh. That is embarrassing.

1327
01:17:59,216 --> 01:18:01,708
I didn't even know it was on.
I'm Bob Crane.

1328
01:18:01,802 --> 01:18:03,213
I know. I thought so.

1329
01:18:03,304 --> 01:18:05,546
Bob Crane. Gosh, it's nice to meet you.

1330
01:18:05,639 --> 01:18:07,175
Nice to meet you too...

1331
01:18:07,266 --> 01:18:08,507
- Uh, Susan.
- Susan. All right.

1332
01:18:08,601 --> 01:18:11,765
- I loved your TV show.
- Well, appreciate that.

1333
01:18:11,854 --> 01:18:14,141
I'm just in town
to do a little bit of theater.

1334
01:18:14,231 --> 01:18:17,770
- I just wanted to say hi.
- Can I get you something? Another drink?

1335
01:18:17,860 --> 01:18:20,694
An autograph?
A nude swim?

1336
01:18:20,779 --> 01:18:23,772
- Bob.
- You know, I'm a real photo nut.

1337
01:18:23,866 --> 01:18:25,983
How long you girls in town?

1338
01:18:26,744 --> 01:18:29,452
Carp, look at this.

1339
01:18:30,664 --> 01:18:31,996
You want a club sandwich?

1340
01:18:32,082 --> 01:18:33,744
This editing hookup's fantastic.

1341
01:18:33,834 --> 01:18:36,417
I can even cut together cartoons
for Scotty.

1342
01:18:36,503 --> 01:18:39,246
No, I'm not hungry.
Watch this.

1343
01:18:40,799 --> 01:18:42,791
<i>Heeere's Bobby!</i>

1344
01:18:42,885 --> 01:18:44,547
Whoa.

1345
01:18:44,637 --> 01:18:47,050
<i>On</i> The Morning Show
<i>with us today... Bob Crane.</i>

1346
01:18:47,139 --> 01:18:50,632
Hey! You made this?

1347
01:18:50,726 --> 01:18:52,638
Yeah, with your equipment!

1348
01:18:52,728 --> 01:18:56,688
It's like the old stuff
we used to do back in radio.

1349
01:18:56,774 --> 01:18:58,515
You know how sometimes
you put a flub in the show?

1350
01:18:58,609 --> 01:19:00,350
I mean, audiences crack up over that.

1351
01:19:00,444 --> 01:19:02,106
It's so funny when you do that.

1352
01:19:02,196 --> 01:19:04,984
And the girls, sometimes they're
uncomfortable with the video.

1353
01:19:05,074 --> 01:19:08,238
Now we show them an edit.
We get them laughing and boom!

1354
01:19:08,327 --> 01:19:11,570
I mean, they love sex.
They're just looking for an excuse.

1355
01:19:11,664 --> 01:19:12,950
You want something to drink?

1356
01:19:13,040 --> 01:19:15,828
Women should have, like, a license,
or a letter from the Pope says,

1357
01:19:15,918 --> 01:19:18,786
"If I sleep with you, my boyfriend
won't come after you."

1358
01:19:18,879 --> 01:19:20,871
You know what I mean?

1359
01:19:20,965 --> 01:19:22,877
I talked to Nick Murphy in Houston.

1360
01:19:22,967 --> 01:19:24,583
Yeah? How'd that go?

1361
01:19:24,677 --> 01:19:26,760
We're all set for Monday night
with the swinging thing.

1362
01:19:26,845 --> 01:19:30,885
You know, it's strange.
Dallas is a great town for babes.

1363
01:19:32,476 --> 01:19:34,513
But for swinging, nothing.

1364
01:19:34,603 --> 01:19:36,560
Well, you know what's
a great city for dominance?

1365
01:19:36,647 --> 01:19:40,641
Atlanta. Don't ask me why.
I made this for you.

1366
01:19:50,786 --> 01:19:53,745
<i>Simply scrumptious.</i>

1367
01:20:02,589 --> 01:20:06,629
<i>It's not very nice
to try and trick Mother Nature.</i>

1368
01:20:06,719 --> 01:20:08,176
It's not funny, Bob.

1369
01:20:08,262 --> 01:20:09,924
Carp, come on!

1370
01:20:10,014 --> 01:20:15,351
Don't... Don't tell me funny.
I know funny. And that is funny.

1371
01:20:15,436 --> 01:20:17,849
- No, it's not.
- It's fucking <i>Laugh-In.</i>

1372
01:20:17,938 --> 01:20:21,056
- That's Rowan and Martin.
- After all I've done for you.

1373
01:20:21,150 --> 01:20:23,187
What do you mean?

1374
01:20:23,277 --> 01:20:25,519
The equipment.
Coming when you called.

1375
01:20:25,612 --> 01:20:27,854
Running errands.
Setting up the swinging parties...

1376
01:20:27,948 --> 01:20:29,439
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You hear yourself?

1377
01:20:29,533 --> 01:20:31,900
What are you... all you've done for me?

1378
01:20:31,994 --> 01:20:33,986
What are you talking about?

1379
01:20:34,079 --> 01:20:35,866
How the fuck you think
you get these broads?

1380
01:20:35,956 --> 01:20:37,538
You think you show up and say,

1381
01:20:37,624 --> 01:20:41,083
"Uh, hey, I'm John Carpenter. Fuck me"?

1382
01:20:42,463 --> 01:20:45,001
Huh? No, they're with you because of me.

1383
01:20:45,090 --> 01:20:46,797
They don't want you.
They want Bob Crane.

1384
01:20:46,884 --> 01:20:48,466
So if you don't mind,

1385
01:20:48,552 --> 01:20:52,262
please lay off
the "all-I've-done-for-you" speech.

1386
01:21:10,908 --> 01:21:12,024
Mr. Crane?

1387
01:21:12,117 --> 01:21:14,359
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, Mr. Crane.

1388
01:21:14,453 --> 01:21:16,570
Do you want an autograph?

1389
01:21:17,539 --> 01:21:19,997
You've been served.

1390
01:21:20,084 --> 01:21:21,370
Huh?

1391
01:21:24,713 --> 01:21:27,877
Welcome to <i>Celebrity Cooks.</i>
My name is Bruno Gerussi.

1392
01:21:29,343 --> 01:21:33,132
Today we'll be cooking
with Colonel Hogan himself...

1393
01:21:33,222 --> 01:21:35,214
Mr. Bob Crane.

1394
01:21:41,772 --> 01:21:44,810
Thanks, Bruno.
It's a pleasure to be here.

1395
01:21:44,900 --> 01:21:48,735
Wonderful to see you.
Now what has Hogan been up to?

1396
01:21:48,821 --> 01:21:51,063
Pretty much the same old thing.

1397
01:21:51,156 --> 01:21:54,524
I'm still trying to pull
the wool over Klink's eyes

1398
01:21:54,618 --> 01:21:56,985
and trying to get into Hilda's pants.

1399
01:21:57,079 --> 01:21:59,071
Actually, I did get into her pants.
I married her.

1400
01:21:59,164 --> 01:22:01,656
But, uh, now she's divorcing me, so...

1401
01:22:01,750 --> 01:22:03,412
Ohh.

1402
01:22:03,502 --> 01:22:04,743
That's not worked out.

1403
01:22:04,837 --> 01:22:10,003
But I will be, next month, in Long Beach
performing a show called <i>Beginner's Luck.</i>

1404
01:22:10,092 --> 01:22:11,833
Wonderful.

1405
01:22:11,927 --> 01:22:14,840
So, Bob, what recipe
have you brought us today?

1406
01:22:14,930 --> 01:22:17,422
It is a... a pasta dish...

1407
01:22:17,516 --> 01:22:18,506
Mm-hmm.

1408
01:22:18,600 --> 01:22:19,886
Uh, with... chicken...

1409
01:22:19,977 --> 01:22:21,093
Mm-hmm.

1410
01:22:21,186 --> 01:22:27,604
And... fettuccine, they tell me.
That's what they told me to say, anyway.

1411
01:22:27,693 --> 01:22:29,025
Sounds delicious.

1412
01:22:29,111 --> 01:22:32,900
You got a balloon smuggler here
in the audience today.

1413
01:22:32,990 --> 01:22:34,947
You got a license to carry those things?

1414
01:22:35,033 --> 01:22:38,026
Here's a little tip on how to remove
the wrinkles from your face...

1415
01:22:38,120 --> 01:22:39,361
just take off your bra.

1416
01:22:39,455 --> 01:22:40,866
Ohh! What?

1417
01:22:40,956 --> 01:22:43,198
Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

1418
01:22:43,292 --> 01:22:46,751
Calm down. Boo! Calm down.

1419
01:22:46,837 --> 01:22:48,123
They'll cut all this stuff out.

1420
01:22:48,213 --> 01:22:51,502
They edit it
and they take all this stuff out.

1421
01:22:51,592 --> 01:22:54,505
Nice enough girl till she figured out
that the fuzzy thing she's sitting on

1422
01:22:54,595 --> 01:22:56,086
could make her some money.

1423
01:22:56,180 --> 01:22:58,092
- You all right, Bob?
- I'm fine.

1424
01:22:58,182 --> 01:23:03,143
It's actually called a Chicken
Fettuccine ala Crane is my dish.

1425
01:23:03,228 --> 01:23:04,844
We can take a break if you want.

1426
01:23:04,938 --> 01:23:07,521
No, no, no.
I'm fine. I'm a complete professional.

1427
01:23:07,608 --> 01:23:09,770
I just can't get over
the size of those knockers.

1428
01:23:09,860 --> 01:23:12,523
Ah! Well, look.
Here come the ingredients now.

1429
01:23:12,613 --> 01:23:14,605
- Yeah!
- Wonderful.

1430
01:23:14,698 --> 01:23:16,405
Ah, the noodles.

1431
01:23:25,501 --> 01:23:29,040
Bob, you surprised me. Come in.

1432
01:23:29,129 --> 01:23:30,791
Close the door, will you?

1433
01:23:32,466 --> 01:23:33,752
Sit.

1434
01:23:36,845 --> 01:23:38,461
You need anything?

1435
01:23:40,557 --> 01:23:41,843
Sit.

1436
01:23:42,893 --> 01:23:47,433
So what's, uh... what's on your mind?

1437
01:23:48,106 --> 01:23:49,642
Just passing through.

1438
01:23:52,069 --> 01:23:54,686
Some things never change.

1439
01:23:54,780 --> 01:23:55,941
How's the theater?

1440
01:23:56,031 --> 01:23:58,774
Our, uh, the boys are helping you, right?

1441
01:23:58,867 --> 01:24:01,154
I got eight months lined up, thank you.

1442
01:24:02,037 --> 01:24:03,653
That's a nice little moneymaker.

1443
01:24:03,747 --> 01:24:05,329
You should know.

1444
01:24:09,044 --> 01:24:11,286
How's the family? The kids all right?

1445
01:24:12,214 --> 01:24:13,500
Patti and I broke up.

1446
01:24:13,590 --> 01:24:16,003
- Yeah, I heard.
- She hates me.

1447
01:24:17,094 --> 01:24:18,835
And she threw stuff at me...

1448
01:24:18,929 --> 01:24:21,842
Ashtrays, a videocassette.

1449
01:24:21,932 --> 01:24:24,390
She cut my lip here.
I had to have stitches.

1450
01:24:27,521 --> 01:24:30,605
I was wondering if you'd
set some meetings up for me.

1451
01:24:30,691 --> 01:24:33,855
Get in circulation. A game show.

1452
01:24:33,944 --> 01:24:36,857
Do you remember the reaction
I got on <i>Password?</i>

1453
01:24:36,947 --> 01:24:40,065
I know, <i>Password</i> is, you know,
not on the air anymore,

1454
01:24:40,158 --> 01:24:42,491
but maybe <i>Hollywood Squares,</i>
you know?

1455
01:24:42,578 --> 01:24:45,116
Something just to get into the...

1456
01:24:45,205 --> 01:24:46,366
the public's eye.

1457
01:24:46,456 --> 01:24:47,822
Don't look like that.

1458
01:24:47,916 --> 01:24:50,829
Hey, I'm not talking about
Paul Lynde's square.

1459
01:24:50,919 --> 01:24:52,535
Any square is fine.

1460
01:24:52,629 --> 01:24:55,463
We've talked about this...
the image problem.

1461
01:24:55,549 --> 01:24:57,381
If I were to send you out again,

1462
01:24:57,467 --> 01:24:59,709
I'd have to be able
to tell people you're a new man.

1463
01:25:01,013 --> 01:25:03,596
Well, tell them sex is normal.

1464
01:25:05,309 --> 01:25:07,471
It's good for you. I'm normal.

1465
01:25:07,561 --> 01:25:09,928
People got these hang-ups.

1466
01:25:14,776 --> 01:25:18,019
Do you know that there's actually
people out there who avoid me now?

1467
01:25:18,113 --> 01:25:21,277
I'm the... This is a nice one.

1468
01:25:22,367 --> 01:25:24,450
I'm the friendly guy.

1469
01:25:24,536 --> 01:25:26,402
I'm the... the mediator.

1470
01:25:26,496 --> 01:25:28,158
My brother and father,

1471
01:25:28,248 --> 01:25:30,205
goddamn, they hated each other.

1472
01:25:30,292 --> 01:25:31,624
You know?

1473
01:25:33,920 --> 01:25:35,377
I'm the <i>good</i> son.

1474
01:25:35,464 --> 01:25:37,376
Hey, I'm not a counselor.

1475
01:25:40,177 --> 01:25:43,545
I'm feeling very awkward
being put in this situation.

1476
01:25:50,145 --> 01:25:52,011
I'll tell you something.
There's one thing I know.

1477
01:25:52,105 --> 01:25:54,347
Bob, people don't change
unless they want to.

1478
01:25:57,110 --> 01:25:59,443
I want to.

1479
01:25:59,529 --> 01:26:03,068
A drunk can't get sober and still
hang around his old drinking buddies.

1480
01:26:03,158 --> 01:26:04,865
It doesn't work that way, kid.

1481
01:26:09,122 --> 01:26:10,954
Excuse me.

1482
01:26:11,041 --> 01:26:12,907
Yeah?

1483
01:26:13,001 --> 01:26:14,867
- <i>Your 4.'00 is here.</i>
- Tell him to wait.

1484
01:26:21,510 --> 01:26:23,217
You got meetings.
You got meetings.

1485
01:26:23,303 --> 01:26:24,794
No. No hurry. Sit down.

1486
01:26:24,888 --> 01:26:26,550
I got to go anyway.

1487
01:26:27,641 --> 01:26:28,722
Come here.

1488
01:26:28,809 --> 01:26:32,894
I want you to know something. I'm here for
you. I want to help you. You understand?

1489
01:26:32,979 --> 01:26:34,470
Huh?

1490
01:26:34,564 --> 01:26:37,227
Yes. I'll call you.

1491
01:26:38,318 --> 01:26:41,857
Good luck, kid. <i>Beginner's Luck,</i> right?

1492
01:26:57,170 --> 01:26:59,503
Bobby!

1493
01:26:59,589 --> 01:27:00,705
Dad?

1494
01:27:03,468 --> 01:27:04,709
How you doing?

1495
01:27:04,803 --> 01:27:06,339
What's up?

1496
01:27:06,430 --> 01:27:08,012
Hello, Mr. Crane.

1497
01:27:10,809 --> 01:27:12,300
I'll-I'll be inside.

1498
01:27:13,729 --> 01:27:15,391
Wow, she's built.

1499
01:27:24,239 --> 01:27:25,320
Hey.

1500
01:27:25,407 --> 01:27:26,614
How you doing?

1501
01:27:26,700 --> 01:27:28,817
Good. What's up?

1502
01:27:28,910 --> 01:27:30,526
What have you been up to?

1503
01:27:31,955 --> 01:27:33,617
Nothing much.

1504
01:27:36,084 --> 01:27:39,418
Patti and I are, uh... getting a divorce.

1505
01:27:39,504 --> 01:27:41,291
She's busting my balls.

1506
01:27:41,381 --> 01:27:42,872
Well, really, I don't want to get into it.

1507
01:27:42,966 --> 01:27:45,333
I just didn't want you
to hear about it the wrong way.

1508
01:27:45,427 --> 01:27:47,134
Right.

1509
01:27:47,220 --> 01:27:50,554
I tried to call your, uh, your mom.

1510
01:27:50,640 --> 01:27:52,677
She never says anything bad about you.

1511
01:27:55,896 --> 01:27:57,057
How you doing?

1512
01:27:57,564 --> 01:27:59,180
You okay?

1513
01:28:01,777 --> 01:28:04,110
Where you, uh, where you working now?

1514
01:28:04,196 --> 01:28:07,280
Well, we're, uh,
going back down to Long Beach.

1515
01:28:07,365 --> 01:28:13,202
Uh, then we go up to Seattle
and down to Scottsdale.

1516
01:28:13,288 --> 01:28:15,655
Scottsdale, Arizona.

1517
01:28:18,960 --> 01:28:22,203
I was thinking about orange the other day.

1518
01:28:22,297 --> 01:28:24,163
The color.

1519
01:28:25,050 --> 01:28:27,758
You take it for granted, right?

1520
01:28:27,844 --> 01:28:30,461
The color orange. But what is it, really?

1521
01:28:30,555 --> 01:28:32,638
- The color?
- Yeah.

1522
01:28:34,142 --> 01:28:38,136
But that's it.
Just tell me, what is orange?

1523
01:28:42,067 --> 01:28:43,649
I don't know.

1524
01:28:43,735 --> 01:28:47,354
That is my point right there. You take
it for, uh, you take it for granted.

1525
01:28:47,447 --> 01:28:51,111
You don't think about stuff like that.
It's just there.

1526
01:28:51,201 --> 01:28:53,989
Uh, did, uh...

1527
01:28:54,079 --> 01:28:56,662
John get you that camera stuff you wanted?

1528
01:28:56,748 --> 01:28:58,705
Yeah.

1529
01:29:02,003 --> 01:29:06,373
Yeah, finally. He can be a real drag.

1530
01:29:06,466 --> 01:29:08,879
Mom thinks he's a creep.

1531
01:29:08,969 --> 01:29:10,255
Yeah.

1532
01:29:11,721 --> 01:29:13,132
We'll see.

1533
01:29:14,349 --> 01:29:16,432
We'll see. Got to make some changes.

1534
01:29:18,728 --> 01:29:19,935
Anne.

1535
01:29:21,398 --> 01:29:23,139
No, no. Don't hang up.

1536
01:29:24,693 --> 01:29:27,151
What do you mean
Debbie doesn't come to the phone?

1537
01:29:31,074 --> 01:29:34,192
I ran into Bobby the other day. Yeah.

1538
01:29:35,078 --> 01:29:36,910
I wanted to tell you.

1539
01:29:38,623 --> 01:29:42,993
No, no, hey... Hey, Annie?

1540
01:29:43,086 --> 01:29:44,076
Annie?

1541
01:29:46,464 --> 01:29:47,375
Annie!

1542
01:29:47,465 --> 01:29:49,832
Patti, it's an hour earlier in LA.

1543
01:29:51,386 --> 01:29:52,718
It is!

1544
01:29:55,724 --> 01:30:00,560
I am so sorry about what happened
with Scotty's drawings at school, but...

1545
01:30:01,897 --> 01:30:03,263
Eh, no...

1546
01:30:05,775 --> 01:30:07,812
<i>I've agreed to the counseling.</i>

1547
01:30:10,488 --> 01:30:13,652
<i>I'm offering you 50-50.</i>

1548
01:30:13,742 --> 01:30:18,032
<i>That's fair. That's...
That's more than fair.</i>

1549
01:30:18,121 --> 01:30:20,454
<i>I'm trying to be decent.</i>

1550
01:30:21,875 --> 01:30:24,037
<i>Well, I don't have that much money!</i>

1551
01:30:25,253 --> 01:30:27,996
And, by the way, don't you call me
at my dressing room anymore.

1552
01:30:28,089 --> 01:30:30,126
That's... That is where I prepare.

1553
01:30:33,011 --> 01:30:34,877
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

1554
01:30:38,516 --> 01:30:40,098
Patti?

1555
01:30:42,020 --> 01:30:43,852
Okay, we'll talk then.

1556
01:30:52,989 --> 01:30:58,030
Back straight. Chest up. Chin up.

1557
01:30:58,119 --> 01:30:59,235
Smile.

1558
01:31:01,331 --> 01:31:04,995
"Your drink, key-holder."

1559
01:31:05,085 --> 01:31:07,042
How's your room?

1560
01:31:07,128 --> 01:31:10,121
It's okay. I'm at the Sunburst.

1561
01:31:10,215 --> 01:31:12,047
Hm.

1562
01:31:13,134 --> 01:31:14,750
How are rehearsals going?

1563
01:31:16,346 --> 01:31:18,133
That bitch.

1564
01:31:19,641 --> 01:31:21,177
What's wrong?

1565
01:31:22,769 --> 01:31:24,806
Why did I get married, Carp?

1566
01:31:24,896 --> 01:31:27,263
Once you can understand.

1567
01:31:27,357 --> 01:31:29,144
I got married twice.

1568
01:31:31,152 --> 01:31:33,314
Patti showed up out of town with Scotty.

1569
01:31:33,405 --> 01:31:34,612
Yeah.

1570
01:31:34,698 --> 01:31:37,782
No warning. Just popped in town
to fuck with Bob's head.

1571
01:31:37,867 --> 01:31:42,532
My lawyer called. She told him
that Scotty has written "Fuck Daddy"

1572
01:31:42,622 --> 01:31:44,909
on a wall somewhere.

1573
01:31:45,000 --> 01:31:49,791
In the divorce papers, she says
that I showed him X-rated videos.

1574
01:31:50,880 --> 01:31:52,917
Did you?

1575
01:31:53,008 --> 01:31:56,547
I was editing.
He might have seen something.

1576
01:31:56,636 --> 01:31:59,470
It's how it looks, John, you know,

1577
01:31:59,556 --> 01:32:00,967
to the press.

1578
01:32:01,057 --> 01:32:02,593
Right.

1579
01:32:04,769 --> 01:32:06,886
You can't give people a chance...

1580
01:32:08,690 --> 01:32:09,726
to put you down.

1581
01:32:09,816 --> 01:32:11,603
You know what I'm saying?

1582
01:32:11,693 --> 01:32:13,855
I do.

1583
01:32:13,945 --> 01:32:15,481
You know...

1584
01:32:17,449 --> 01:32:19,441
maybe you should go back to radio.

1585
01:32:19,534 --> 01:32:20,866
You love radio.

1586
01:32:20,952 --> 01:32:22,659
Have you heard radio lately?

1587
01:32:22,746 --> 01:32:26,160
It's attacks on the president
of the United States. Jokes.

1588
01:32:26,249 --> 01:32:28,741
- Yeah.
- Filthy jokes. They're very dirty.

1589
01:32:28,835 --> 01:32:30,622
Rock. It's not my bag.

1590
01:32:30,712 --> 01:32:33,295
You know, I'm just trying to help, Bob.

1591
01:32:33,381 --> 01:32:35,373
I'm your friend.

1592
01:32:38,845 --> 01:32:40,802
You're my only friend, John.

1593
01:32:47,520 --> 01:32:48,886
What time is it?

1594
01:32:50,565 --> 01:32:53,228
It's, uh, 7:30.

1595
01:32:53,318 --> 01:32:56,311
I got to change. Yeah.
Where we going?

1596
01:32:56,404 --> 01:32:58,612
Uh, surf or turf?

1597
01:32:59,491 --> 01:33:01,483
Surf <i>and</i> turf!

1598
01:33:01,576 --> 01:33:03,112
Come on!

1599
01:33:04,704 --> 01:33:06,366
Yeah, Big Daddy.

1600
01:33:19,219 --> 01:33:20,835
Carpy?

1601
01:33:36,194 --> 01:33:37,810
John?

1602
01:33:47,163 --> 01:33:48,904
That you?

1603
01:33:58,591 --> 01:34:00,583
<i>Well, word is, Colonel,</i>

1604
01:34:00,677 --> 01:34:02,589
<i>there's gonna be a surprise inspection.</i>

1605
01:34:02,679 --> 01:34:04,261
<i>I don't know about you guys,</i>

1606
01:34:04,347 --> 01:34:07,966
<i>but if there's gonna be an inspection,
I got things to hide.</i>

1607
01:34:08,059 --> 01:34:11,518
- <i>I got things to hide.
- If there's gonna be an inspection,</i>

1608
01:34:11,604 --> 01:34:14,221
<i>I got things to hide.
I got things to hide.</i>

1609
01:34:14,315 --> 01:34:17,274
My God, the building's on fire!

1610
01:34:17,360 --> 01:34:20,603
And look at all those police cars
and photographers.

1611
01:34:20,697 --> 01:34:23,610
Photographers?
Oh, my God. There's the mayor too.

1612
01:34:23,700 --> 01:34:25,737
Is my wife down there?

1613
01:34:25,827 --> 01:34:27,363
What does she look like?

1614
01:34:28,371 --> 01:34:30,613
I don't remember.

1615
01:34:37,714 --> 01:34:40,377
She's a fox.
Look at the caboose on her.

1616
01:34:44,721 --> 01:34:46,383
A day without sex...

1617
01:34:46,472 --> 01:34:48,634
is a day wasted.

1618
01:34:50,935 --> 01:34:52,847
This place is dead.

1619
01:34:52,937 --> 01:34:55,475
Now we still got time
to hit a strip joint.

1620
01:34:57,150 --> 01:34:58,641
And we need to talk.

1621
01:34:59,736 --> 01:35:02,399
I don't like the sound of that.
"We got to talk."

1622
01:35:02,488 --> 01:35:04,901
That's what a chick says
when she's gonna lower the boom.

1623
01:35:04,991 --> 01:35:07,779
Hm.

1624
01:35:07,869 --> 01:35:10,031
Thinking about getting out.

1625
01:35:12,498 --> 01:35:13,989
Of what?

1626
01:35:14,083 --> 01:35:16,996
The whole scene.

1627
01:35:17,086 --> 01:35:18,372
What scene?

1628
01:35:18,463 --> 01:35:22,628
- The dinner theater, all the rest.
- Excuse me. I'm confused.

1629
01:35:22,717 --> 01:35:24,333
The road, the hustling,

1630
01:35:24,427 --> 01:35:26,464
the broads, the whole thing.

1631
01:35:26,554 --> 01:35:28,921
You mean me.
I'm part of the whole thing?

1632
01:35:29,015 --> 01:35:30,756
Well, without the dinner theater,

1633
01:35:30,850 --> 01:35:34,719
we'd see each other less.

1634
01:35:34,812 --> 01:35:37,145
I want to restart my career.

1635
01:35:37,232 --> 01:35:39,189
You're kidding, right?

1636
01:35:43,238 --> 01:35:45,446
Well, what about my equipment?

1637
01:35:45,531 --> 01:35:47,944
Good news. You can keep it.

1638
01:35:48,034 --> 01:35:49,445
I want some, I'll buy my own.

1639
01:35:49,535 --> 01:35:51,868
You're gonna buy a Betacam, right?

1640
01:35:51,955 --> 01:35:54,572
Yeah, nobody needs
John Carpenter anymore.

1641
01:35:54,666 --> 01:35:56,282
You just walk into a store
and buy Betacam.

1642
01:35:56,376 --> 01:35:59,995
Tommy Smothers bought Betacam.
Dick Martin and now you.

1643
01:36:00,088 --> 01:36:01,329
What about me?

1644
01:36:01,422 --> 01:36:03,038
You'll be okay.

1645
01:36:03,132 --> 01:36:04,873
We got a good thing going, Big Daddy.

1646
01:36:04,968 --> 01:36:06,675
Why ruin it?

1647
01:36:06,761 --> 01:36:09,003
You'll be all right.

1648
01:36:09,097 --> 01:36:11,885
Oh, I see. I'm like Anne and Patti.

1649
01:36:11,975 --> 01:36:14,092
You find a better deal,
and you just dump me.

1650
01:36:14,185 --> 01:36:17,178
I'm sick of scoring broads for you, okay?

1651
01:36:18,273 --> 01:36:20,060
There.

1652
01:36:20,149 --> 01:36:22,015
I said it.

1653
01:36:22,110 --> 01:36:24,523
What am I, like a drag on your career?

1654
01:36:24,612 --> 01:36:28,856
Who's always been there for you
when you were moping, complaining?

1655
01:36:28,950 --> 01:36:31,988
"Oh, John, John,
nobody wants to hire me."

1656
01:36:32,078 --> 01:36:34,195
Flying around the country
whenever you call,

1657
01:36:34,289 --> 01:36:37,453
to hauling your shit from the airport,
taking seconds. I'm a drag?

1658
01:36:37,542 --> 01:36:39,909
Well, you're a fucking loser!

1659
01:36:40,003 --> 01:36:40,959
Bob Crane's a loser!

1660
01:36:41,045 --> 01:36:42,707
I ain't a loser!

1661
01:36:42,797 --> 01:36:44,663
Bob Crane ain't a loser.

1662
01:36:44,757 --> 01:36:46,589
It's you who brought Bob Crane down.

1663
01:36:46,676 --> 01:36:48,167
Bob Crane is a good guy.

1664
01:36:48,261 --> 01:36:50,344
Bob, let's not do this.

1665
01:36:50,430 --> 01:36:51,511
Please.

1666
01:36:52,307 --> 01:36:57,302
John, you're my friend, okay?

1667
01:36:58,855 --> 01:37:00,892
You'll always be my friend.

1668
01:37:05,153 --> 01:37:08,612
Shit. I'm supposed to call Carolyn
about the Jacuzzi party.

1669
01:37:36,392 --> 01:37:37,428
<i>Hello.</i>

1670
01:37:37,518 --> 01:37:39,180
Hey, it's John. How's it going?

1671
01:37:39,270 --> 01:37:40,181
<i>All right.</i>

1672
01:37:40,271 --> 01:37:41,853
- You alone?
<i>- Yeah.</i>

1673
01:37:41,939 --> 01:37:44,272
You didn't score?

1674
01:37:44,359 --> 01:37:48,353
<i>Man, I'm in my damn shorts.
How about you?</i>

1675
01:37:48,446 --> 01:37:50,779
Uh, negative.

1676
01:37:50,865 --> 01:37:53,357
I had to drive her halfway up to nowhere.

1677
01:37:56,037 --> 01:37:57,824
What happened?

1678
01:37:57,914 --> 01:37:59,280
<i>She said, "No way."</i>

1679
01:37:59,374 --> 01:38:01,411
What do you mean?

1680
01:38:01,501 --> 01:38:03,242
<i>She wouldn't let me
come to herplace.</i>

1681
01:38:03,336 --> 01:38:05,328
<i>She wouldn't come to my place.</i>

1682
01:38:05,421 --> 01:38:08,129
<i>Boy, I don't need that.</i>

1683
01:38:08,216 --> 01:38:09,502
Christ.

1684
01:38:12,095 --> 01:38:14,303
- Bob.
<i>- Hm?</i>

1685
01:38:14,389 --> 01:38:18,508
Uh, you know, I was thinking.

1686
01:38:18,601 --> 01:38:22,015
You know, uh,

1687
01:38:22,105 --> 01:38:25,815
if I said anything earlier tonight that...

1688
01:38:26,776 --> 01:38:29,689
<i>- Don't worry about it.</i>
- You know, I... I...

1689
01:38:32,740 --> 01:38:35,574
- Do you think about it?
<i>- What's that?</i>

1690
01:38:35,660 --> 01:38:37,743
You know, what we talked about.

1691
01:38:39,831 --> 01:38:41,447
You know, uh...

1692
01:38:42,166 --> 01:38:43,577
what we talked about.

1693
01:38:43,668 --> 01:38:46,001
<i>Yeah, I need to take a break.</i>

1694
01:38:46,087 --> 01:38:50,548
<i>I just, you know, this thing
with Patti, all of it.</i>

1695
01:38:50,633 --> 01:38:54,092
<i>I need a break. I need a break.
I need a break.</i>

1696
01:38:54,178 --> 01:38:55,885
<i>I'm...</i>

1697
01:38:55,972 --> 01:38:57,463
<i>I'm sorry.</i>

1698
01:38:58,558 --> 01:39:00,515
You'll change your mind.

1699
01:39:00,601 --> 01:39:03,469
<i>I'll change my mind. Are you deaf?</i>

1700
01:39:04,355 --> 01:39:07,314
<i>Huh? What the fuck's wrong with you?</i>

1701
01:39:07,400 --> 01:39:09,858
<i>Kaput. All right?</i>

1702
01:39:09,944 --> 01:39:12,402
<i>We're-We're still friends, right?</i>

1703
01:39:14,782 --> 01:39:16,774
<i>Hey, you need a ride tomorrow
to the airport?</i>

1704
01:39:16,868 --> 01:39:19,030
<i>I, uh, got a luncheon at noon.</i>

1705
01:39:21,789 --> 01:39:22,870
<i>John?</i>

1706
01:39:22,957 --> 01:39:24,493
Don't bother.

1707
01:39:24,584 --> 01:39:25,620
Just don't fucking bother.

1708
01:39:25,710 --> 01:39:27,952
<i>Okay.</i>

1709
01:39:28,045 --> 01:39:30,287
<i>Don't get all worked up.
I gotta get some sleep.</i>

1710
01:39:30,381 --> 01:39:33,590
<i>I'll give you a call
sometime, Carpy.</i>

1711
01:41:04,850 --> 01:41:09,345
<i>The investigation was not well-handled.</i>

1712
01:41:11,190 --> 01:41:14,183
<i>Scottsdale was a small town back then.</i>

1713
01:41:14,277 --> 01:41:17,236
<i>They suspected Carpy,
but didn't prosecute.</i>

1714
01:41:17,321 --> 01:41:20,189
<i>Not a solid case, they said.</i>

1715
01:41:20,283 --> 01:41:23,117
<i>This was before DNA.</i>

1716
01:41:23,202 --> 01:41:26,991
<i>Fourteen years later, a new district
attorney brought him up for trial.</i>

1717
01:41:27,081 --> 01:41:30,745
<i>John told them, "He was my friend.</i>

1718
01:41:30,835 --> 01:41:33,248
<i>Why would I kill him?"</i>

1719
01:41:33,337 --> 01:41:36,580
<i>Evidence had been lost, memories faded.</i>

1720
01:41:36,674 --> 01:41:38,336
<i>He was acquitted.</i>

1721
01:41:38,426 --> 01:41:40,884
<i>Four years later,
he died of a heart attack.</i>

1722
01:41:41,971 --> 01:41:44,463
<i>I can't blame him.</i>

1723
01:41:44,557 --> 01:41:48,301
<i>He was a coolguy in his way.</i>

1724
01:41:48,394 --> 01:41:50,636
<i>That's how it is.</i>

1725
01:41:50,730 --> 01:41:52,813
<i>Men gotta have fun.</i>