Sue, no, no, no!
Kill yourself on your own time.
According to the Art of War by Sun Tzu,
every battle is won and lost before it is fought.
Well, then I guess you've already lost.
Oh, that's not very sportsmanlike. Let's fucking go!
Ladies. Hi again.
Ok, this is the third time we've been out here.
I know.
We're shutting this party down.
You don't wanna shut the party down. You wanna join us.
Alright?
So why don't you put the guns back in the car
and you come on in, and having good times?
Hey, Bill.
Sorry I'm late, buddy.
Fucking Map Quest.
I know it, bro.
I'm right with you with that shit. Hey look, guys.
Is this about earlier? When you first came on, and I thought you were strippers?
Because that was an accident.
Alright? You're just very attractive.
Those uniforms are banging.
Seriously, if we have to come out here again, it's a $1000 fine.
Close it down.
Okay.
Message received.
It's done. You have my word.
I'm gonna go inside, get on the mike, shut it down.
I don't understand why you won't just put it on.
Because I don't find the notion of mocking
the American underclass as amusing as your friends do,
and partly because I don't share your desperate need to fit in.
By not putting the wig on, you are deliberately setting yourself
and me apart from my friends,
which is a controlling and hostile gesture.
Fine.
Happy now?
Yes!
Now I'm Mr. Fun Times.
I'm very happy about that. Thank you.
I'm going for a smoke.
Good, because it's.. it's a fucking costume party.
Do we need to talk quietly around her?
Oh, no, no, no. She sleeps through anything.
Yes, you do.
When the babysitter bailed, Glenn and I were like, 'Fuck it.' We have missed every party.
No way we're missing the White Trash Bash.
Give it up for Glenn. Glenn's getting married soon.
I really did it.
What's the deal with your bachelorette weekend?
Yeah!
Ok, I think it's gonna be
more of a bachelorette night.
And it's gonna be at my folks' place in Jersey.
Oh.
Sorry.
No! That's gonna be fine. That's totally fine.
Has anyone seen Glenn?
Human torpedo!
It's okay. He's a doctor.
Hey, buttheads, you guys seen Duquez?
Will you relax with the doughnuts?
Oh, sweetie, I want to. Look, I'm trying to push the savory on this people and all they want is the sweet.
I promise you no one cares.
Hey. Where the fuck are the doughnuts?
Except him.
Guess what. D.Duquez is AWOL.
That is unacceptable.
This fucking behaviour is unacceptable. I got have it out with that guy.
Like the doughnut police.
Hey, get off of that thing. It's Saturday night.
Well, it's Sunday in Korea, and those motherfuckers don't stop working.
Honestly, they make the Japanese look like Jamaicans.
Is that the new Blackberry?
Yes, it is new Blackberry. Got it at the office.
You know what? As punishment for not dressing up, I'm putting this down my pants.
No, no, no! Just don't do that!
My dick's checking your e-mail.
I'm sending a text.
No, just don't do that!
You have my life in your pants. You cocksucker.
Hey, you two, get a room or get a video camera.
Hello. Excuse me, miss.
My name is Eric. This is my house. My party, sort of.
See, you're looking at a bunch different of options. But, this is the one you want go for it..
This is the finest box of wine in the county.
Really?
Yes, delicious
It has absolutely no body and an amazing cough-syrupy aftertaste.
Go ahead.
Cheers.
Knock it up! Don't get it on your skin. All right?
Not bad, right?
Mmm. Really good wine.
Even better bean dip.
That's not bean dip!
What?!
I'm kidding.
You knew that. That's awesome.
You're only the first person to actually eat out of that.
Yeah, not many people are thrilled about eating out of a shitter.
---
Really?
Couse in prison, we used our crapper as a punchbowl.
Really? No kidding?
I have never seen you at one of these things. I'm i wrong?
First time.
Really? We'll have to change that.
We do these kind of things all the time. You know..
Labor Day. We're gonna have a big Winter Wonderland party.
It's gonna be nice.
It's gonna be.. Snow machine..
Gonna be sledding. Should be interesting.
You should give me your information.
What?
"Information"?
Are you kidding me?
No.
Really?
Yes.
Yes, like what?
Like my social security number, my college GPA?
Why don't we shirt with your phone number and your shoe size?
I happen to have a pen.
Of course you have a pen.
You gotta be ready. Always be prepared.
What?
On my baby.
Look at that.
Oh, I'm so jealous of this baby. I'm so jealous.
Oh, you wanna get out, I wanna get in there. I'm kidding.
Kelly, local number?
Local girl.
You kidding me?
Size 9 shoe.
You know what they say. 'Big shoe, big uterus.'
I'll bring friends. Real sorry.
If you excuse me, I see an old friend just showed up.
I'll talk to you liner
Okay. It's very nice meeting you.
Nice to meet you too. Hey, fucko.
Excuse me.
I'm really mad, actually.
What's wrong with this guy?
Bye, guys.
Daddy's gotta go home.
One more for the road. Shotgun!
Michael!
I wasn't ready. Throw me another.
Nice, asshole!
You're supposed to catch that.
Come on, baby, we're going.
Bye, guys.
Bye, Katie.
I'm sorry if I got beer on your baby.
You, you. Where have you been?
I'm sorry, man. There was a fucking mess in the studio.
There was this buzzing undertone
that was bending me over and fucking me in the ass.
I'm not seeing any doughnuts.
You specifically said get the glazed.
They didn't have glazed. I tried. There was jelly.
There was Boston cream. Jelly, Boston cream.
Eric, I have a whole package of ginger candies in my bag.
Hi, Willow.
Mmm, thank you. But we're gonna be okay.
I found you a big brown naked!
I can't get it off! I can't shake it off!
Hey, everybody naked in the pool.
Well, that's a half hour ahead of schedule.
Yeah! Anybody?
Oh, you all suck. Chicken shit!
Want me to go to Brent's? Pick up Entenmann's?
No, no, don't worry about it. It's allright.
Right now, I'm gonna go jump in that pool
because McCrudden is dying in there alone.
That's what friends do. See, they don't leave each other hanging.
Where's your patriotism?
My man.
I got you.
My fucking blackberry.
Hey dad, what are you doing here?
Uh, hmm.
Oh, yeah, I own the place. Cherie, this is my son, Eric.
Hi. He's told me all about you.
Ah, yeah.
Great party. Thanks for letting us sleep it off.
No problem.
Hm. It must have been quite a fiesta.
Oh, yeah, I guess so.
Did the best I could with the turds.
I know you did, Bill.
I wish you would have let me know you were coming out.
Maybe we can throw someone down on a couch. Or something like that.
Ah, we're not staying.
I just came out for the day to do a meet-and-greet with the brokers.
Brokers?
You got the message, right?
I saw that you called.
I'm putting the house on the market.
What? Wait, you're selling our house?
Ah, I'm hardly ever out here any more.
It's time to unload.
But hey, what about me?
I'm always out here. My friends are always out here.
So make me an offer.
Dad, come on. I don't ask you for anything.
How about this? We go get breakfast.
We talk over the house situation.
Maybe we all can chip in for utilities?
Ah, I'm a little pressed for time, kiddo.
We're gonna go play a quick nine and then got get back.
Cherie's never played before.
I'm so excited.
Dad, this is fucking bullshit.
I'll call you next week. We'll do yoga.
I've said it before and I'll say it again.
Your dad is a selfish prick.
Smoothie?
It's gonna be sad not coming out here anymore.
Me and Willy might not even be around next summer.
The L.A. thing again? Are you serious?
You just moved into that place in Brooklyn.
But Willow's doing really good with her acting career.
She did that Pizza Hut Latin America commercial now.
Ooh, deliciosa!
Her dad is gonna hook me up with a job at a big law firm.
Dude, what about the fucking album?
I'll work on the album while I'm doing law things.
Oh, yeah? Will you?
You know what I'm excited about?
Throwing one of these parties in my one-bedroom apartment in New York city.
That'll be fun, right?
Maybe I can put, like, the food out on the fire escape.
Eric.
The band in the bathroom.
I have to get more outlets though.
I'll get a power strip. Why not? I'll splurge.
What?
This is a major moment.
It's okay to let the hurt in.
To allow yourself to actually be present in a moment.
Okay, thanks, doc. You really make the moment more real
by talking about how real the moment is in the middle.
No, I understand. You're probably feeling
some anger and some misdirected frustra...
Feel better now?
A little bit, yeah.
Dude, that was awesome.
Oh, fuck!
What about now?
Oh, much better.
Now I'm in the moment.
I don't understand all the summer school things.
Isn't the point of being a teacher that you get summers off?
Yeah, well, they pay us poop, so, what am I gonna do, waitress?
Oh, my God, the big news.
So the principal told me today
that the friendship bracelets that the girls are wearing are actually sex bracelets.
I saw something about that on Oprah.
Girls wear these different color bracelets
and every color represents, like, a sex thing.
So if you tear off a girl's blue bracelet,
that means she has to give you oral.
What's a yellow bracelet?
Uh, a hug.
Aww. Oh, sweet.
I know.
What about purple?
Teabagging?
Really?
Well, what is teabagging?
Balls in mouth.
Oh, no!
Teabagging? What is with the kids today?
Well, the blowjob is the new French kiss.
Wow, we really missed the boat on that one.
I feel like if we had had sex bracelets back then,
no one would have torn mine off.
No, no, no, sweetie.
I would have torn off your BJ bracelet.
You're just saying that, but thanks, Eric.
Thanks for letting me blow you.
You're welcome.
You're such a good friend.
Hey, Dody.
Hi. Can I help you?
Are you Eric?
Yes.
Hi. We spoke on the phone.
I'm Dody Henderson from the Henderson Realty Group.
And this is my associate Kelly Tanner.
Hi. How are you?
No, thank you.
Lame.
Oh, I shouldn't.
We can't wait to get your house sold.
We need this place clean, clean, clean every day.
Water the lawns, skim the pool.
You never know when buyers are gonna stop by to say hi and buy, buy.
Oh, B-U-Y! Ha, ha!
Whatever.
Oh, and make sure the toilets are clean enough to eat out of it.
Yeah, whatever.
Maybe I should sprinkle some rose petals on the driveway every morning too.
Just do what you can.
Will do.
What are the chances of maybe selling this sometime after Labor Day?
You wanna sell a summer home during the summer.
That's kind of the point.
So glad we're in business together.
Om shanti.
Om shanti it is.
Vultures.
Yeesh.
It's light. It's light.
We should put it up more closer. Like there?
Oh, yeah. That'll bring in all the right clientele.
Listen. Have you given any more thought to the final Labor Day blowout?
I really don't know.
I mean, obviously, we got do something huge.
But what do you do for a final blowout?
Go out in a fucking blaze of glory. Heads held high. You know what i'm sayin?
I get it.
Deserved it.
Holy shit. Oh, shit. Here we go. Bingo.
What?
I got the concept right here.
Brown party...
Brown party.- Brown party...
Brown clothes, brown food, brown drink,
brown clown, brown balloons,
live music supplied by Jackson Browne.
I don't know what you're thinking right now. Is that good?
It's fucking awful.
Alright, take it easy. I'm just spit balling headchief.
It's not like you're throwing ideas my way.
He spells with an E at the end.
Doesn't matter.
Holy shit. We got a situation here.
Oh, my fucking God.
Dude, she's wearing a sex bracelet.
Holy fuck, she is.
Oh, boy, that's trouble.
It's blue. It's blue.
Sword swallower.
Holy fuck man, when she reaches out for my cone
I'm gonna snag that thing
and it's deep-throat city all night long.
No, no, no.
Please don't do that. Don't. No, stop.
Stop! Stop it
I bet she unhinges her jaw like a fucking python swallowing a rat.
Um, do you guys know what you want?
Yes, we do.
Yeah. We got a pretty good idea.
No, ice cream is what we're into.
Do you think a girl like that looks at us like we're a couple of old dudes?
You know like the way we used to look at
30-year-old guys back in high school and say,
'Oh, man, look at that lame old guy hitting on Sue.'
Ha, ha. Yeah, probably.
Shit, I don't know though.
Weren't 30-year-old guys a lot older back then
with, like, mustaches and jobs?
Yeah It certainly seemed like it
What?
Fuck, dude, we're getting old.
Bullshit. Come on.
Seriously, I got a foot cramp the other day masturbating.
What? Doesn't make sense.
I swear to God. It happened.
What about this,
Do you think that girl and her friends really have BJ orgy parties?
Indubitably
Really?
Fucking 'A' man, Duquez is right. We got fucking hosed.
God dang.
Hey, what about that?
What about what?
What about that for the final party?
What?
An orgy.
An orgy?
An orgy...
You wanna have an fucking orgy?
Yeah, why not?
Get the fuck out of town. It'll never happen.
Why not?
Because people don't have orgies, you know?
Oh, come on. They used to.
True.
Yeah, think about it, dude.
An orgy. A good old-fashioned orgy.
Wowie.
That is a blaze of glory.
Okay. Now you know I hate naysayers, right?
But I'm gonna have to say nay.
Really?
Really.
Are you throwing down the gauntlet?
Oops, what's that?
It's on the ground as we speak.
We're gonna have an orgy.
Oh, boy. Here we go.
Okay, guys, I've been mulling it over and
I have a concept for the final fiesta.
All right.
What is it?
Whoo!
Fiesta
Allright, while this will be the most spectacular
and insane party any of us have taken part of, it's not gonna be a big thing.
It's just gonna be us.
It's gonna be small,
intimate,
special.
Oh, I'll make lasagna.
Yummy.
Oh, yeah.
We're gonna have an orgy.
Who?
Us.
Where?
Here, right here. Labor Day weekend.
Us? A naked sex orgy?
You're kidding, right?
No, I'm not. Why not us?
People used to have them all the time.
All the time.
Yeah! What happened to our generation?
What happened?
I'll tell you exactly what happened.
AIDS.
AIDS hit right when we hit puberty.
And it scared the shit out of all of us.
It turned sex into this big, frightening thing.
He's right.
Kids today are freaks, our parents were freaks,
we're a bunch of fucking pussies.
We're the lamest generation.
This is our chance.
Our chance to do it right.
Take back what's been taken from us.
Isn't that from Goonies?
Yeah, I'm paraphrasing Goonies, yes.
Orgy.
Orgy...
Orgy.
Duquez, come on my men. You're into this, right?
What? No.
We're all friends. It would just be too weird.
How do you know unless you try?
Ew!
Look, if we all went into this with an open mind,
it could be amazing.
In theory, a noble call to arms.
In practice, I cannot imagine a more awkward
and uncomfortably terrible evening.
Oh, laugh, laugh, laugh all you want.
Seriously, don't you get it? This is it,
the final blowout, and then the house is gone.
People move away.
Things change.
We need to think outside of the box.
And inside the box.
Eww.
Mike, come on man, that's not what I'm going for.
I'm in.
What?
Are you serious?
Yes, it worked.
Come on. An orgy?
It's madness.
Ugh.
It's gonna be a fucking blast.
Success! Success!
Sue's in. Thank you, yes.
Here we go. Come on.
I'm gonna go meet Marcus.
Oh, my God.
All right, think it over. Think it... Everybody, okay.
All right, I get it.
It's gonna take a while to come around on this whole orgy idea.
Right? Here? No, okay. Ha, ha!
Very good, but go ahead, type it in your BlackBerrys, pencil it in your notebooks.
Orgy. Orgy.
So, Sue, you think this is how you're gonna finally sleep with Eric?
What? We dated in high school.
Come on, that was ages ago.
You guys never, you know, did it,
so it's kind of unfinished business.
Yeah, but I've slept with like a ton of guys since then,
so this doesn't have anything to do with it.
Ok fine, but other than social awkwardness,
give me one reason.
Oh, very well. How about I give you several reasons?
Like, oh, I don't know,
chlamydia, the herp,
gonorrhea, syphilis, papilloma.
The Steve McQueen movie?
No, that's Papillon.
I'm talking about the virus that causes genital warts.
Ugh. Why do you think of this stuff?
Don't you guys remember the article my mom clipped from The New Yorker?
No.
Condoms can't stop it and it causes cervical cancer.
You don't have a cervix.
I don't know how you could have sex in front of a room full of people.
I mean, I don't even like to get naked at the spa.
I'm not saying that this is gonna be easy for me,
but isn't that what kind of makes it exciting?
I'm not saying that it wouldn't be fun,
but it's an orgy.
What's the point of losing all this weight
if you're not gonna show off your new bod?
I mean, You haven't even worn your bikini yet.
I still have 5 more pounds.
I just think this really could help build your self-esteem.
There's the miracle cure. I'm gonna start turning my clients onto group sex instead of Zoloft.
We're going to the beach. At least do that.
C'mon. It's our last summer.
Let's go to the beach.
You know what?
Shockingly, I'm gonna pass on the stroll through the tick-infested dunes.
Dude, I've had Lyme disease.
It's not a big deal. It's antibiotics, boom, done.
You know I have a needle phobia. Okay? I can't go to the doctor.
The puncturing the veins and the... Ugh.
Okay, whatever. Enjoy the great indoors.
Yeah. Bye.
Ooh, hey, Eric. Uh, could you grab some sand for my ass crack?
I'll grab some for your cervix.
Okay. Let's say you dated four guys in one year,
right, and you slept with them.
You'd be cool with that?
Totally.
And how many guys have you slept with this year?
None.
Or the year before.
So really all you're doing is sleeping with four guys
in, like, a shorter time frame.
I never really thought of it that way.
What do you think?
Insane, idiotic and self-destructive.
Okay, hypothetically.
If I did decide to do it, but at the last minute,
I totally freaked out,
they would let me out, right?
Laura, it's an orgy, not The Accused.
It's not fun unless everybody's into it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.
Yeah? Yeah?
I'm gonna do it.
All right. Yeah, girl.
Hey, guys, what's the celebration?
Just talking about how to get Laura back in the saddle.
Whoo, yay! I'm gonna find you a guy.
Glenn's cousin Frank is coming to the wedding.
Okay, Game on. Let's go.
All right, John Kruk.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna throw, and you're still gonna whiff at it.
Slow breaking curveball.
Oh!
Goddamn it! I dare you to throw that shit again.
Swish full, the nerd's revenge.
Ooh, I got my bunt face on.
Drills, ladies. Drills. Let's go. Look alive.
Album cover, hat or no hat?
Oh, Doug, come on, man.
You've been doing this for two years.
Mixing, remixing. Hatting, no hatting.
Your music's awesome. You just get it out there.
No one will give it a shot if they don't dig my look. It's an image-based industry.
What the fuck? This is exactly why you're headed for a shitty job.
You need to stop trying to look like a rock star and start fucking living like one.
Yeah, do the orgy.
Do the orgy.
You think Mick Jagger would have said,
'No thanks, mate. No orgy for me.
I've got an on-again-off-again girlfriend.'
'I don't wanna cheat on David Bowie.'
'No cheating on Bowie.'
Hey, Willow.
I know what Tom Hanks feels like now.
See, my only concern, Duque,
is that the hat maybe doesn't make you look gay enough.
Oh, yeah.
You could Photoshop in three guys jizzing on your face?
Or on the hat? Ooh, ooh.
That's good.
You know, you could do,
You could take that five-song demo, maybe, make it a double album.
One with the hat, one without it?
Yeah, that's good idea.
You could call it Exile on Hat Street.
Yeah, or Jagged Little Hat?
Oh, Meat Loaf. Hat Outta Hell.
What about Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hats Club Hat?
What about just called it,
"My shitty friends don't respect me?"
Pretty Indie.
I think, you won't be able to sell at Walmart.
Alright, who's next up to hat?
Two and two to Harvey Key.
Sandy winds up and delivers.
Fuck me!
Hey, Ali Cat.
Hi.
Like what you see?
This could be all yours Labor Day weekend.
Oh, Eric.
Do you mind if I make an observation?
Oh, boy. Sure, go ahead.
You have intimacy issues.
Really?
Yeah.
I figured an orgy is as intimate as it can get.
No, no, no, but intimacy isn't about intercourse, Eric.
It's about emotion.
Mm-hm.
You don't need to get laid. You need to be in a relationship.
Look, just because you're in an unhappy relationship,
doesn't mean the rest of us need to be.
I'm not in an unhappy relationship.
I'm in an adult relationship.
It's lot a fun, whatever it is.
Hold on one sec?
Say, hey, Marcus. You want to take a few cracks with the bat?
No, thank you.
Football is my game, European football.
Gotcha.
Did he date Siegfried or Roy? I can't remember.
God, it's embarrassing watching you play this sport.
Aww, it's cow shit.
Look, doc, it's your life.
You can do whatever you want.
All I'm saying is that maybe Labor Day weekend
might be the last chopper out of Saigon for you.
Knock, knock. Guess who.
Dody!
These are the Webers.
How you doing?
We brought some extra signs
because someone is stealing ours.
Oh. That's too bad.
Oh, good. Okay.
Hey, guys. Would you do me a favor?
When you go in the house,
don't go to the basement or anything.
Not that there's anything or anyone down there in a cage or otherwise.
Thanks, Eric. That's so helpful.
What is he talking about?
Oh, gosh. Don't worry. Don't worry.
He's a little off.
It's a head injury.
That's why he wears the helmet.
Are they all challenged?
Yes. But at least they have each other.
Oh, that's so great.
Have fun with your game, sweetie.
Thanks, Mrs. Weber.
We are five minutes from Indian Wells Beach.
And wait till you see your bedroom.
What if someone comes in? These people never knock.
I just locked the door.
Fine, but you really must be quiet.
None of your usual screeches.
Okay, okay, okay.
Yes?
Yeah.
Oh, Marcus. Oh...
Let's get you out of these dirty little panties.
Do it. What?
What's going on? Why are you stopping? What's going on? Hey.
What?
What have you done to your vagina?
I shaved it.
Why?
I don't know.
Because I thought it would be something different, sexy.
Women are supposed to have pubic hair. Why would I find it sexy?
You look like a prepubescent girl.
I'm not a child molester.
Okay, you know what, it's hair, Marcus, and it's gonna grow back.
Well, I wished you would have told me
about your little secret before I unwrapped this.
This lambskin condoms cost 2 Euros.
It's wasteful.
I did it for you!
You could have consulted with me.
Alison, you're being like a child.
Fuck you, go away!
You go away.
I think this is chemical.
Darling, what dosage are you taking?
You... Fuck you!
This is your problem.
I was just expressing my sexuality in a healthy manner.
God forbid, Marcus, that we experiment a little bit.
Fine.
I'm going back to the city and I'm taking the iPod.
Fine. Leave!
And your breath is terrible!
My breath is natural. Unlike your vagina.
Fuck you!
Oh. Jesus.
Sorry.
It's all right.
The worst part is I'm just peeing right now.
I've been kicking around a few ideas.
Themes for the party.
Let me know what you think.
First one, Roman, right?
You're talking togas, wine,
bushels of grapes, the whole deal.
Then I also have '70s, right?
We got the swinger vibe, polyester, big hair,
upstairs and down, you know? Um, I don't know.
What about the Kama Sutra?
That's actually not bad.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, like the sex secrets of the East, right?
Mm-hm.
Oh, that's... Yeah.
You know you have like, uh, incense, tapestries.
Veils, diaphanous fabrics.
I have no idea what the hell that is, but I like it.
You and me, we're on the same page with this think.
Right? I think so.
Absolutely.
How do you spell 'Kama'?
Dude, babe alert at 3 o'clock.
Three o'clock. My 3, my 3.
Wait a minute.
That hurls my dink.
Wait a minute. That's Kelly.
Who?
My Realtor.
Oh, shit, the enemy.
Listen to me. Listen.
We cannot afford to lose the casa de sex before Labor Day, okay?
You go over there, you get in tight with her, lay on the charm,
and get her to drag ass selling the house.
No, no, that is... Yes, yes.
She is a tough cookie. She'll see through that.
Her? Please, dude, you're the king.
A little winey-diney, she'll be your humble wench servant.
Keep friends close, but enemies closer.
Yeah. That doesn't make any sense. Just go fucking charm her, okay?
Okay. Go, go, go.
All right. Do the thing.
What? The smile thing. Ahem.
Kelly. Kelly.
Hi. Oh, Eric.
Oh, my God, look at this. Watch.
I hope anything I said didn't screw anything up with the client.
I was joking around. I didn't freak them out?
Oh, no. Not at all.
Oh, good.
You were wearing that helmet so I was able to convince them
that, you know, you ride the short bus.
Well, that's good.
Well played.
Hey, do you mind if...? Maybe I can make up to you.
Take you out to dinner or something?
Could be fun, yeah?
Oh, gosh, thanks.
Um, technically, I'm not supposed to go out with clients so..
Well, technically my dad's the client.
Right now I'm just some random dude on the beach.
She's smiling. Look, she's smiling. She's buying it.
Okay. I'll go to dinner with you.
All right.
But, tell me which party we met at.
Was it one of my parties?
Mm-hm.
Okay. What, um...
Oh, was it the Cuba Libre party because
I was in mojito haze that whole day and I just...
Nope.
Oktoberfest in July?
Nope.
Oh, oh, no, no, I know.
I know.
Uh, it was the Shir Trek versus Shir Wars Battle for the Universe Party
and you were dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi.
How drunk do you get at these parties?
Uh, pretty drunk. It's kind of a social obligation.
Okay. I'm gonna give you a hint.
I wear a size 9 shoe.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you're bean dip girl.
You're bean dip girl?
I am.
Have you been bean dip girl the whole time?
Oh, he's so good.
I can't believe that. I was gonna call you.
I had your number on my hand
and I jumped in the pool and it was gone.
I thought I lost you. I thought you were gone forever.
And you...
You look so much better without the fake baby.
I actually prefer the mullet.
Oh, I just cut it yesterday.
Oh. For work.
Don't think this whole funny, charming thing right now
gets you off for stealing my signs.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm furious those signs are gone.
You're lying. I'm not lying.
Your voice just went up. What?
I'm a ...
I'm not lying. I am not lying.
You're so lying.
No, I'm not.
Fucking James Bond. Fuck.
Wow, look at that, huh?
Holy smokes. Another gorgeous shot.
Yeah, thanks.
What should I use, pitching wedge or nine?
I used the nine.
I think maybe I should use the wedge.
Or use the wedge.
Ugh! Why am I like this?
Oh, just pick a club and hit it. What is the big deal?
Will you do the orgy with me?
Hey, can we play through?
Hold on a second, man.
The orgy
You think that would be a good idea?
I'm stuck. And I think the reason is
is because I feel like a fucking fraud.
I'm not cool. I have a law degree.
I ride a motorcycle and it scares the fucking shit out of me.
And I play golf at my mom's fucking country club
with assholes like this.
What's the holdup? Play the wedge!
This is not rock'n'roll.
This could be really good for me.
For me and for us.
Will you do the orgy with me?
Sure, yeah, yeah, whatever. Yeah.
Really?
Holy shit. Yeah.
If you're sure this is what you want.
Yeah, absolutely.
Good.
I think.
Fore!
So you wanna know why guys don't get as excited
about their wedding as women do?
See, it used to be like a guy would get rewarded for his commitment with sex.
But you and Glenn have had sex like a billion times.
For God's sake, you guys have a kid together.
So for Glenn, it's just kind of like all commitment, no reward.
You know?
I'm the fucking reward.
Of course you are. Of course.
Something's wrong. He's never late.
Try him again. I have been trying him.
He's not answering his phone.
At least he won't wear a white tuxedo like you dickheads.
Oh, God, that's good.
Oh, sweet Lord in heaven.
What the fuck, are you stoned?
No. No, no, no, better.
I'm wearing a thing called The Yank. From Adam & Eve catalogues.
One end straps around your leg, the other end around your Wang.
The brochure says, 'With every stride, it gives your member a gentle tug.'
What are you doing with a rope on your cock at my wedding?
Endurance training, Labor Day.
For what?
A jack-off marathon?
What? Uh, yeah.
That's exactly it. You nailed it. Heh, heh.
Hey, check it out. Look who's here.
Oh, fantastic. Another asshole in white tails.
Keep the change, man.
Ha-ha-ha. Oh, my God.
Well, well, well. Look at you.
You're late, you're in costume, and you appear to be hammered.
Who the hell are you?
Long story. I got fired.
What?
It had more to do with the fact that I almost blew a $2 billion merger deal
because some bozo jumped into the pool with my blackberry.
Oh, shit. Dude.
I spent most of last night crying and drinking
and then I drunk-dialed my mom. She kind of talked me down.
Then I woke up this morning,
had a little more to drink and I realized, you know what?
This is good. I'm free.
Adam, I'm so sorry.
Shh, shh, shush. You're my friend.
No, they took my twenties from me.
And I plan to make my thirties making up for it.
And you know what else?
I'm doing the orgy. Fuck it.
Orgy?
What orgy?
The fuck are you talking about?
See, this is exactly why we should have told him, Eric.
Told me what?
That's what we're doing for Labor Day. An orgy.
Bullshit. Who's having an orgy?
It's me, Willow, these two fellas,
Laura, Sue, now drunkie.
Waiting on Alison.
Jesus H. Fucking Christ.
How come you cocksuckers didn't think of this fucking orgy idea
five fucking years ago? God damn it!
Ahem. Uh, Glenn.
I'm afraid we're gonna have to start without your friend.
Oh, he's here. He's, uh...
Hi, Rabbi.
Pardon my French.
All right, everybody.
Introducing for the very first time,
Mr. and Mrs. Glenn Pasillio.
Paciello!
Paciellio.
Here we go.
I am married.
I can't believe that you guys broke up because you shaved.
He's the weirdest, creepiest guy ever.
Here you are, ladies.
You guys are definitely broken up this time, right?
Fuck relationships.
Right now, all I wanna do is have some fun.
Labor Day.
I'm in.
Yes. Yes.
Oh, and I'm fully shaved.
Alison!
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not making a speech.
Sorry about that. It's, uh, private conversation.
You know what they're doing over Labor Day? Do you know what the party is?
What?
They're having a fucking orgy.
What are you talking about?
They are having an orgy.
Like a sex orgy?
Like a sex orgy and we're not invited.
Hey. Hi.
So is it true?
That all of you are having this orgy
and you didn't think to invite us?
What are you all looking at me for? I...
Guys, you just got married, okay?
L... You have a kid. You don't...
Don't you think it's a little inappropriate?
Well, of course we wouldn't come.
It's that you didn't ask us. You didn't even think of us.
In fact, you specifically hid this from us.
We invited all you to be here today,
just the most special day of our lives,
and you, who are supposed to be our closest friends...
There were family members who didn't get invited so you could come.
Family members.
Right.
Now, we're just totally out of your pervy little social club. Huh?
I don't believe this.
Sorry. Are you happy?
Because you and your stupid orgy just ruined our goddamn wedding.
Oh, come on, Glenn.
Kate!
Is it too late to invite them?
I'll go talk to her.
No!
Are you kidding me?
Guys, it's Katie.
She's gonna be fine in like an hour.
I just realized I'm really hammered
and I would really like to dance.
I'm dancing too.
This reminds me of our senior prom.
You still won't give me a hand job, right?
It's amazing that you're still so tight with all your high school friends.
None of mine moved back after college.
Yeah, it's a, uh... I don't know, it's maybe corny to say,
but these guys and gals are kind of like
the closest thing I've got to a family these days.
That's why the house, the summer house, it's like our rec center.
I think we're getting an offer on the rec center.
My dad will be thrilled.
I knew it.
What?
I knew it wasn't a family decision to sell the house.
No. We're not big into family decisions any more.
My mom, she lives in Portland, Oregon,
with this, uh, Reiki healer asshole.
Tell me exactly how you feel.
Oh, he's good. He's good.
Uh, no, she's kind of out of the picture.
Her doing. Um, yeah, it's just me and my dad.
Hm, well, your dad seems like a fun guy.
Yeah, yeah, he's very fun. He's a hoot.
Kind of like being raised by an older fraternity brother.
He hit on me a little bit.
No.
He ask you to play golf?
Yes.
That's his move. He's very good at golf. Very good.
But he did it right in front of Cherie and she had no idea.
Neither did my mom for a while.
Now if you will excuse me, Oh.
I have to win this game if you don't mind.
Does this make you...?
It's a little distracting.
That's not distracting at all.
Oh! Jesus.
I lied. It was a little distracting.
Help.
Fred's Beds? Are you sure this is the right place?
Yeah. What do you they gonna do, putting sign on underground sex club?
He said come in through the warehouse entrance.
Hey, you got rubbers on you?
No!
What?
No, no, no.
We are here strictly to observe. That is all.
Dude, it's a sex club. Semper fi.
Always prepared. You know what I mean?
Doesn't that mean 'always faithful'?
Hey, who took Latin in seventh grade?
Moi, okay?
I brought a pack with me if you need one.
Give me the signal.
I won't need one.
Altoid?
Yeah.
What do you want?
The password is chandelier.
Who's your connection?
Vic George, friend of my uncle's.
Oh yeah. He told me to expect you.
Come on in.
So welcome to the Paradiso.
What the fuck?
I, I don't know.
Can I take your clothes?
No.
You sure?
Good, we're good.
Okay, follow me.
Yeah.
This is Bill.
That was a panda.
Go easy on that thing.
Didi, Ginger.
Clambake.
This group right here.
Get in the swing, rock your world.
My grandma has that thing.
You need anything, just ask for Fred.
Oh, Fred's Beds?
Oh no, that's a different Fred.
I'm a dentist.
Vic, he is over there in the futon section. All right?
Okay.
Have a good time.
Thank you.
Thanks, Dr. Fred.
Should've had this guy at the wedding.
Love the new Price is Right.
There he is, there he is.
Oh my god.
Hey, Mikey!
Little McCrudden.
Holy shit, you've grown.
How you doing, baby?
Good, good.
How's your folks?
Good, they're on a cruise
Mom got her pound cake recipe published.
This is my buddy Eric.
Eric, Vic.
First time at the Paradise, ha? Eh, boys?
Come on, guys, take off the clothes and get fucking.
No. No fucking. No. Actually, no, no. We're here more doing research
than anything else. We're gonna throw an orgy.
We were hoping we can get a little advice from you.
Just let me finish up here.
No rush. Take your time.
No, you can rush if you want.
You rush a little.
Not much longer guys, Hang in will you.
Look at me, not her.
Look at me!
I'm not gonna look at him.
Do me a favor, count me down.
Five, four, three...
Go back to 10!
Ten, nine, eight...
Oh! Your mom's a good woman.
You're little early on that one.
Holy shit, I got a second one.
So Vic, we could really use your expertise.
How do we make sure that the women are into it?
Don't worry about the women, worry about you guys.
Okay, so how do we make it happen, Vic?
Just because you have a bunch of naked people in the room
doesn't mean you're all going to get it on.
Sometimes a girl just wants to have a heart-to-heart,
and she ends up pulling a train.
Pulling a train?
Mm, yeah, you know.
Choo-choo train.
Here's another thing.
Every wolf pack has a leader. I take it you're the lead wolf?
Fucking A.
Uh, yes. I guess so. Yes.
Well, then it's all on your shoulders.
If you don't run, nobody behind you can run.
Oh, that's good.
What does that mean? What do I do?
You have to get naked.
You've got get naked in your mind, in your heart, in your soul.
You've got be honest with yourself and everybody else
about what you want. If you're a pegger, be honest about that.
What is a pegger?
Chick fucks a dude up the ass with a strap-on.
Not really my bag, but like I always say,
I'm willing to try anything twice.
Hello, senator.
Hello.
This is a lot to process.
You listen to me.
You can't force it and you can't fake it.
So you better cut the bullshit, nut up, and be a man.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I feel the blood rushing back to my sword.
I noticed that.
Well, hey, Vic, thank you. This is all good stuff.
Good advice.
Yeah. Good. Thank you.
My pleasure, guys.
Oh there, watch that thing.
Good luck.
Okay. We should probably leave now.
Don't eat anything here.
You son of a bitch.
Don't!
Holy shit, is that...?
Yeah, yeah, keep going.
Don't let her see you.
Oh. Man, oh, man. All right.
That was good?
That was good. That was pretty good.
Yeah, okay, here we go.
You ready?
Showtime.
Shit!
I'm gonna count that.
Okay.
I'm gonna count that there.
Okay.
.. yeah, it's juvenile. I've been meaning to ask you something.
What?
What's Dody like as a boss?
She just seems like she could be a little, you know, domineering.
Oh, my gosh, no. I mean, she's not what you think, you know.
I mean, of course, at work she's all business,
but, Eric, she has traveled the world.
She speaks all these languages.
She's just full of surprises.
Oh, I bet she is.
I bet she's been places I can only imagine.
So, like, now that you're super into me...
No, there's something I actually have to tell you.
Sincerely I, um...
Really?
Yeah, I kind of misled you. Uh...
What you saw today was not an actual representation of my Frisbee golf skills.
Yeah. I let you win.
Really?
Yeah.
So I want a rematch. Like, big time.
Or you could just stick to sucking at pool.
Ooh.
Sss!
Oh.
One more.
That's it, though.
No.
That was the last one. That's for the road.
I will call you.
Okay.
All right.
See you!
Hey! Umm..
What are you doing for Labor Day?
Oh, yeah. Is that...? Yeah, Labor Day.
Um, you know what?
The guys and the crew, we're all gonna, um...
We're doing this small little thing,
this intimate little thing. Nothing... Nothing special.
Well, I was thinking that maybe, you know,
your friends and my friends could get together.
Yeah.
Oh, that sounds great.
Yeah?
Yeah, we should definitely look into that, maybe.
Yeah. It'd be fun.
But, so, wait, Eric, is that...? Is that a maybe?
Yeah, it's a maybe. It's a definite maybe. It's a hard, hard maybe.
We should definitely think about doing that.
Let's lock it in as a possibility.
Okay.
I'll call you about it.
Or write you.
Heh, okay.
Carrier pigeon. Something. I'll get a hold of you.
Okay, Good night, Eric.
Good night, Kelly.
What are you doing up?
Oh, I never went down.
Stayed up drinking with a dude from Blues Traveler in the Talkhouse parking lot.
Like an hour ago, fucking dude says the bubonic plague is back.
Great. Another thing to worry about.
What are you doing up?
I got a bit of a situation.
Hit me.
Okay, but first off, you can't tell anyone.
Dude, look who you're talking to.
It's the vault.
Seriously.
A lot of people tell people you can't tell someone,
and those people go and tell someone. That cannot happen this time.
Hey! You tell no one.
Not even Rodrigo?
Why would you tell a 50-year-old Guatemalan landscaper about my life?
Because he's a good sounding board, okay?
But if you're gonna get all weird about it, I won't tell Rodrigo.
I appreciate it.
I went on a date last night.
So far, so good.
With the Realtor chick.
Dody Henderson? Did she peg you?
No, not Dody. I went out with Kelly.
Oh, thank the Lord.
I felt bad for your butt hole for a minute.
Heh, heh.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I think we've got a problem because
I really kind of dig her now.
I don't know what to do about the orgy situation.
Are you fucking with me right now?
I know. What are the odds?
I mean, seriously, I'm smack dab
in the middle of organizing an orgy.
Orgy, yeah.
Yes. Yeah.
And I meet the first girl in a long time that
I can see myself having a relationship with.
I got tell her about the orgy right?
What? Ha-ha-ha!
No. No. It's so stupid.
No. Listen to me. No, no.
You don't ever, ever, ever tell her about our little soiree here.
Ever.
Have you perked her yet?
Oh, goddamn it, Mike. I hate when you say stuff.
No. No, we've kissed.
Kissed, good. Okay, good.
Keep it PG until after Labor Day, okay?
As long as you haven't had the exclusivity talk, and you're not currently boning...
Yeah, I know.
Then you, my friend,
are a free agent.
Mm, I don't know, dude.
Listen to me. You do not know what or who
she's been doing in her free time, ace.
So just keep it in your pants until après Labor Day
and then it'll just be this crazy,
wet, vivid, erotic
sexual misadventure in your past
that you never have to tell her about.
Okay...
Okay?
All right, that's the plan.
Thank you. That was oddly helpful.
I am not just a pretty face.
Oof, ma goof.
Daddy really needs to get in shape.
Oh, I'm with you. I may even cut out curbs,
except for pizza and sandwiches, obviously.
Are you guys worried at all about performing in front of everyone else?
Look, it's not a race.
Well, assuming that we can all get wood,
one of us will have the smallest dick.
And I, for one, do not wanna have the smallest dick.
Okay. Two things.
First off, the ladies are gonna be too concerned about their bodies to think about yours.
And secondly, that's all myth.
Women do not care about penis size.
Who do you think has the biggest dick?
I think I know.
Boom. Ah! You're next, Uncle Addie.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
No one fucking said anything about giving any fucking blood.
Oops.
And can someone explain to me
why they need to puncture your vein to find out if there's a problem with your shvantz?
Summer after freshman year,
Yeah?
I walked in on one of the guys
whacking off.
Shut up. Who?
I won't say.
No, no, no, who? Who? Who?
I'm not gonna tell you, but I will say that it was a monster.
Hey. That is my blood.
That used to be inside you.
I'm gonna lie down.
What? Duquez, Duquez!
You got give us ballpark... Right, right.
Like is that...?
It's more like... It was like that.
What? But the head.
What? It's even bigger.
Mama likes.
I don't know if you're gonna like it.
Oh, hi.
Eric?
Kelly. Uh, we're just heading back to the city.
Yeah, we'll be in touch this week.
Good.
Regarding the house.
Of course, the house, yes. Yeah, I'll page you.
Dody.
Eric.
The password this week is unicorn.
Well, I don't know if that'll be nece...
We're here to share our experiences
in creating the perfect orgy of your personal fantasies.
See that? Everybody's always touching two people.
A little teamwork over there.
They're playing good team ball.
Okay, I think we get the picture.
McCrudds, you want some pizza?
No, I'm not hungry. Thank you.
Got an all-I-can-eat buffet going right here.
What is that?
Oh!
Shit!
Oh, he's doing my move. Look at that.
He knows the Thoosh.
Hey, you guys? Guys.
Back to the music. Are we...? Are we really gonna listen to Indian the whole night?
I think it might get a little...
Cab ride-y? Agreed. Yeah.
I'm working on a killer playlist right now.
Got some obscure Radiohead.
Who has sex to Radiohead?
Thom Yorke.
No Radiohead. No Radiohead.
I think we need something sensual, like Sting.
I love Sting.
No. No. No.
Unacceptable. Absolutely not fucking Sting.
That's bullshit, man. If Sting comes on the fucking stereo,
guess who's walking. This guy.
Sting, it is then.
got you a little present.
Really?
Mm-hm.
It's filled with some great things for next weekend.
It's not my birthday. Oh.
Look, oh, boy. Oh, wow. Look at that guy. He's like a Swiss Army dude.
Wow, that's great. People are gonna love that.
Just so you know...
Mm-hm?
I'm not wearing any underwear right now.
Ew, on these stools?
Well, well, well, the gang's all here.
Paciellio!
Hi. Paciellio.
Hi, guys.
What's up?
We have some business to discuss.
Right. So Glenn and I have talked it over and...
we would like to be included in the orgy.
We're in.
We wanna do it.
Um...
No.
Why not? What... What?
We already lined up my folks to babysit.
Guys, guys, as a friend and a mental-health professional,
I think it is a horrible, horrible idea.
If you feel disconnected from the group, I can understand...
Alison, with all due respect,
you're an MA, I'm an MD.
You're a podiatrist.
Okay, let's take a vote.
How many people want us in?
Right.
I would just like to say that I think they maybe have a point here.
Just because they have a baby doesn't mean we should discriminate them.
Plus, Kate's rack is killer right now.
Thank you, Michael. Yeah.
Jesus, Mike, are you insane? No. No, no.
Dude, dude, dude, 10 o'clock. Ten o'clock. My 10, my 10.
Shit.
Hey! Look who it is.
Hi, there it is.
Hey, uh, this is my Realtor, Kelly.
This is the group, the gang.
Hi, Kelly.
Gosh, I've heard so much about all of you guys.
How? When?
What? Why? What's she hiking about?
Let's get a drink shall we?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You think we couldn't handle this because we're parents?
Well, we can handle shit that you can't even imagine.
You know, you motherfuckers have no idea.
That's right.
No idea.
Come on.
You... You...
You're all lightweights
You are all playing JV ball.
Lightweights!
Whoa!
All right, Glenn.
Come on, honey.
On a lighter note, I have this present.
Dildos!
You know, in a pinch, this would be great for a toothbrush.
And I have no idea what this is.
Hey, Eric, what's up with all the dildos?
Hey, those are my friends, lady. Hey, what's going on with the house?
Um, I've been able to slow things down to buy you till the end of the summer.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, you're the best.
Thank you so much.
What is that?
What? What?
What's going on?
Nothing.
No, he told me not to tell anybody so...
Yeah, okay.
You know.
Keep it on the down-low.
Yeah.
He asked her out to get them to shill.
Went on a couple dates, he start likes her,
decide doesn't want to sleep with her before the orgy because it's wrong to do both.
Oh. He doesn't wanna sleep with her.
That actually means he likes her.
Oh.
Awesome.
Hey. Dildo wave.
Hi.
Phew!
Yo, maharajah, wanna get my back for me?
What is this shit? Self tanner, man.
I wanna look like a porn star.
Fuck me, I just stroked out my third batch du jour.
You boys might wanna do the same. Don't wanna come quick like a bunch of amateurs.
Oh, God. I am not touching you.
Ah, fuck it. I'm gonna whack it again.
You look so pretty. So do you.
Thank you.
I love it.
Consider yourself warned.
This absinthe is the real deal. I had it flown in from Amsterdam.
The guy that sold it to me said it's the same stuff Van Gogh was on when he cut his ear off.
Oh, no.
Uh-oh.
It's gonna be a starry night, huh?
It smells like licorice.
A toast. A toast.
To friends.
And to making sweet love with, to, near...
On.
In.
Under. And behind.
All right, salud.
Hagalaka.
Whoo! Sober. Never more
The pillows look really nice.
Yeah.
These Crate and Barrel or...?
You guys look great.
Oh, thanks.
You look so fucking hot.
I'm just being honest. I wanna lick your belly button.
And yours, your belly button's nice too. You got a good one too.
I haven't seen yours, but I'm gonna lick the shit out of that thing.
Wow.
As the de facto lead wolf, right?
I, uh... I should kick this mofo off,
but I got be honest with you. I have no idea what to do, so...
Lead wolf?
Oh, yeah.
You had to be there kind of...
Tut-tut-tut. Okay.
Listen up, everybody. As per usual,
it is up to me to get this party started.
Hang on. I got something for you. Hang on a second, ladies.
Yeah, rock 'n' roll.
Holy moly.
We're on safari now.
Yeah.
How many leopards had to die?
Just one big old kinky leopard.
They won't kick us out.
If we're here, they won't kick us out.
Okay.
They won't do it.
And we're totally sure we wanna do this?
Somebody do something. Huh?
All right? Anybody?
All right, fuck it. I'm gonna call it. Sue, kiss Alison. I'm gonna shirt touching myself.
Oh. We could shirt with a back-rub circle like in college.
I'll get things started.
Yes. Yeah!
Here we go. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm sorry, I can't. I can't do this any more.
I can't. I can't do this. I'm sorry.
I knew it.
I knew you'd fucking puss out, man.
I'm not pussing out. I'm happen in a relationship
that I really appreciate. And I don't wanna fuck this up.
Classic Duquez. You know, it's like doughnuts, no doughnuts,
hat, no hat, orgy, no orgy.
We take a look-see through the window
and if it looks, like, too freaky or lame,
Yeah. We take off.
And if it looks, you know, cool, we go in.
Okay?
okay...
I'm not mad at you.
Eric, Eric. I love what's going on here,
but I don't think you need to insult each other.
You should actually communicate.
My God, Alison, please for all of us?
Would you give it a rest? Just one night?
You're totally uncomfortable with real emotion.
Oh, yeah, I can't. I'm the only one here with issues.
It's just me? What about you and your disfunctional relationship?
We broke up.
You broke up?
Yes.
Oh, you broke up?
Like the same you guys broke up a couple years ago at the Oktoberfest in July party?
Like that kind of broke up?
Wait, what happened on Oktoberfest?
This one tells me that her and Marcus are broken up. The're over. Done. Fenito. Right?
So, we're joking around, we having some drinks, she tells me about it, then we hook up.
Very next morning, she's having brunch with the guy.
Whoa, whoa, wait? What?
You never told me this.
Sue, I don't need to tell you because nothing happened. We didn't sleep together.
You told me it was a blowjob, she wouldn't swallow.
No, I did not, Mike. I did not say that.
It was a fucking hand job.
Oh, that's hand job. That's right.
It was a hand job. I'm sorry. My bad.
Please don't go there.
No, no, no.
Alison, shut up. You're a hypocrite.
What's going on?
First of all, they're dressed like Indians from India.
That makes much more sense.
Yeah.
This is why I don't tell you.
You could've given him a blowjob.
Why didn't you fuck him?
Why don't you get over it?
How long are you gonna be obsessed with Eric?
Oh, shit.
Wait, what?
Okay. Ookay...
Urch' your brakes on, people.
We are rapidly losing the erotic vibe.
I'm gonna get this party rocking right here in a major way.
What you got, man?
Ready, set, here we go.
Oh! Let loose the Kraken.
Yeah!
Will you give it a break, Mike? This shit's pathetic.
Oh, fuck you. You fucking pussy. You're lame.
You're the lame one, man.
You don't have a job. You don't have a girlfriend. You just follow Eric around
and do everything he tells you to do. You're like his little fucking pet.
Dougie.
Fuck you, Doug.
Is that what all of you think of me? You think that I'm his...? You think I'm his fucking pet?
No.
He meant pet in a nice way.
Is he fucking with me right now?
This is the worst orgy ever.
Should we just go home or...?
No.
We already got a sitter.
You wanna go see a movie or you wanna...?
Okay, okay. All right, time out.
Time out. Time out, T.O., okay?
Look, I think everyone just needs to take a deep breath.
All right?
We need to relax and chill out for a second, all right?
Whoa!
Where are you going?
I'm just going outside to get some fresh air.
Clear my head.
I swear to God, guys, I thought this was gonna be fun.
Oh, yeah. Oh!
Why won't God just let me have an orgy?
Okay. All right, here we go.
Eric.
Kelly, heh, heh.
What are you doing here? I thought you were doing something with your friends.
I know. I know. Uh...
Did you fly here on a carpet?
No, heh. No, no. I, uh...
It's a last-second costume concept for, uh...
Look, I, uh... I've been thinking about things and I realized something.
Oh, shit.
I thought we ordered pizza. What'd you get, Indian food?
I'm sorry.
I, uh... Sorry to interrupt. Sorry.
Uh, Pete, give us a second? Hey, hey, hey, Eric.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
You didn't call.
I know.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Oh, pizza? Really?
I'm sorry.
No, that's all right.
Hey, what's up, man?
Eighteen bucks.
Go, have fun. Hone...
Honestly. No biggie.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Bye.
Like I don't know that I don't have a girlfriend.
Like I'm not trying to remember that every fucking night of my life.
It's hard.
So where were we?
Where'd you go?
I know, I know, I know, I, uh... Heh.
I'm sorry I left. You know, I...
I'm gonna be honest with you, guys. Um, I'm freaking out a little.
I have had the best times of my life
with you guys in this house
and I'm gonna miss it.
I'm gonna miss it so much.
I love you GUYS...
I love every single one of you.
She wasn't home, huh?
No. No, She was home.
She was on a date.
Yeah. And I showed up dressed like fucking Aladdin.
Well, I think that you look adorable.
And I am so happy that you're back.
It's been a pretty emotional night for all of us.
How about a big super-gay group hug?
Oh, yeah.
Group hug.
Yeah.
Oh! I love you guys.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my... I would not have called that.
Hey, what was that about earlier?
Yeah, nothing. Later. What?
Wha...?
Oh, gosh!
It's happening. It's really happening.
We can do this. I don't know if I can.
We'll do it together. Okay?
One.
Two.
Three.
Hello, boobs.
Are they okay?
They're fucking fabulous.
Thank you.
Oh. And just so you know, um,
I've never been able to orgasm, so no pressure.
I'm all about giving pleasure.
This is so much better than porn.
Oh, my God!
I told you so.
You weren't kidding.
That is remarkable that he is insecure.
Tequila!
Everybody, drink from the ceiling.
Hey, Mike.
Hi there.
You guys have got try these chocolate-covered strawberries. They're so decadent.
Oh, no, no. I'm good. I just had some Bagel Bites.
Where'd you get Bagel Bites?
Shh. Forget it.
Mahalo, freaky people.
We were thinking it might be fun if we all went out and made love in the pool.
Yes, yes.
Yeah, you wanna go in the pool?
No. No, no. We're good right here. We're good.
Oh, we're okay.
Yeah.
Thanks though. It's chlorinated. Have fun.
Sue, I'm so happy for you.
All right, Hey, guys, could we just get a minute? Just a minute?
Yeah, just give us a sec, will you?
Oh, so sorry.
We're not giving you enough privacy at an orgy?
Kind of a fair hit.
Yeah, now, shh.
Are you okay? You wanna talk or something?
No, no. Just be in the moment.
Okay. Yeah, no, can do. Can do. Okay. Okay.
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Oh, yeah?
You like to dirty talk? Yeah?
Ooh, fuck.
Okay, you wanna fuck me?
You wanna fuck me hard?
No, Sue. Hop off. My foot, my foot.
Oh, oh, okay.
Oh, foot cramp. Oh!
Okay. Ooh, that's a doozie.
Shh. Okay. All right
Oh, God, my big toe's so far away from my other toes.
Okay, hey. Hey, flex it out.
Flex it out. Flex it, okay.
Oh, we should have done this 15 years ago.
Hey, guys.
I broke my diet.
Okay. You're good?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah? You're good? Okay. There it goes.
There it goes. Oh, wow. Okay.
Shh! Okay. Okay. Okay.
Oh, no, it's back. It's back worse!
Ooh, it's... The little guy is in on it now.
Hey, gang. Sake bombs.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, my dick is having the best night of its life.
Oh, we're all fucking. Oh, we're all finally fucking.
Oh, and I can be as loud as I fucking want!
Oh, no. Shh, shh.
Owl Ow, my contact.
Alison, my contact.
I'm good. I'm good. Play through.
Bro, count me down.
What?
Count me down from five.
What does that even mean?
Oh, fuck! Count me down from 10.
Count him down, Adam. Trust me, just count him down.
Guys, this whole sex in the pool thing is not working.
Water is not a lubricant.
Okay, brothers and sisters. Let's take this party indoors.
I'm running with a boner!
Pineapple mojitos.
Yeah, mulched with fresh mint.
Fuck!
Are you ready?
As I'll ever be.
Ooh! I'm next, I'm next, I'm next.
Vodka tonic.
Yo, can I tag in?
Oh! You're like the sweet, tender lion.
Mike, go away.
You guys haven't slept with anybody else yet. You're hogging Willow.
Go away.
Go away, Mike.
Vodka.
Come on.
Sue, I just wanna say I'm so sorry about the whole Eric thing.
No. Totally don't. It's so over. I don't care.
No, but you know, you're a really good friend and I love you.
No, I love you. You are so smart and you're so beautiful.
And I totally get why he would wanna be with you.
You're the beautiful one.
Oh, my God, your body is ridiculous.
Your body is ridiculous, okay?
And I would give anything to have your breasts
just for, like, one day.
Yeah, but your ass is off the charts, seriously.
Okay. I would kill to have your eyes.
You know that you have the most beautiful green eyes
that I have ever seen.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah
Oh!
Wow!
I saw that. You see that?
It looked like a little flash of light.
I know. I think I just... God.
I never thought I'd hear myself say this,
but I'm gonna take a break
from this girl-on-girl-on-girl action
and check the score of the Yankee game.
This feels fucking fabulous.
Ah, Michael!
Let's go.
Are you sure?
Yes, 100,000 percent sure.
Let's go. Right now.
Okay, okay. Let's go.
You fucking did it. Look at this. You are awe-inspiring.
Oh.
Thank you, Mike.
No.
I'm gonna tell you something right now and I want you to listen because I fucking mean it.
Okay...
You could be the president of the United States.
Well I don't know, not after something like this.
Hey, shh, no. I'm fucking serious.
You could do it if you wanted to.
Yeah.
You're getting kind of close, Mike.
Am I?
Yeah.
Oh.
You're not trying to kiss me, are you?
Would it scare you if I was?
I guess so.
Fucking kiss chicken, dude.
It's on.
All right.
Let me just set this right here.
Whatever.
You scared yet?
No.
No?
Mm-mm.
How about now? Touching your nose with my nose.
It's okay, I'm part Eskimo.
We're nose-kissing, buddy.
It's more than our noses touching right now.
It's our souls.
Yeah, that's been brewing for years.
Well, I think we both won.
I'm pretty sure we both just lost.
Tonic.
Boo!
Don't stop. Don't stop. Don't stop. Almost there. Almost there.
No, don't stop. Don't stop. Ah! Don't stop.
It feels so good. It feels so good, don't stop.
How about that?
So how long has this been going on?
About a half an hour.
I'm good. I'm gonna... I'm getting it. Ah!
Poor bastard.
Fucking so good. Aah!
Hang in there, buddy.
Almost there.
Yeah. Yes. Yes!
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm coming.
Yes! Oh, yes!
Yes, yes, yes!
Oh, yes! Yes!
Aah!
Hey! Good morning, everybody.
So, uh, look what I got.
Commemorative Labor Day orgy T-shirts right here.
Pink and blue.
Unisex, 100 percent cotton.
You made T-shirts?
Yup. Laura.
Huh?
Where are we gonna wear these?
Anywhere. What do you mean?
Jesus Christ, I am hungover like a madman.
All right, ladies. Ladies, I got one...
One easy question for all of you.
Overall, where would you rank me?
Just have a bagel and relax.
Listen, I need to know. I just... I need to know.
Well, for me, there was one clear winner.
Okay, I know, good. Eric. Blah, blah. Big surprise. What about this guy?
I was gonna say Adam.
Adam.
What?
For a neurotic hypochondriac with panic attacks,
he was really uninhibited.
So what? Out of the four dudes in the house,
I didn't even rank in the top two? That's what you're telling me?
Didn't I do my move?
The move with the fingers and the tongue? The Thoosh?
Laura.
Come on, I thooshed you. I know I did.
You don't need to do it now.
You did it last night. We don't need to see it again.
Yeah. Can we just eat breakfast?
It's Marcus.
Hello?
Oh, tell him how much we missed him last night.
Hey. Everybody's up.
Hey.
Morning.
Hey, man, about the shit that went down last night...
Dude. Oh, shit, I'm sorry if I did anything weird to you or Willow, like, any thooshing.
Anything like that. I'm sorry. I was so fucking hammered, I don't remember anything.
Seriously, nothing?
You don't remember anything?
No.
Nothing. I remember the fucking absinthe shots and then that's it.
I'm so bummed, that was gonna be spank fodder for the next 20 years of my life.
Total fucking blackout.
Thank God
Amen.
I got something for you.
Holy shit!
Dougie.
I did it. I got more coming for everybody else.
Oh, my God, dude, this is major.
I wanted hat, but he was so passionate about no hat.
No fucking hat.
Good shit, man.
Altough, I still would've Photoshopped in the dudes
schnizzing on your face. But it's just me.
You made fucking shirts. Fuck.
Yeah. Hey, Willow, grab one of those.
It's blue and pink, my favorite.
A medium. Awesome.
Well, well, well, It's the Breakfast Club.
Oh, there he is. Sam Rockwell.
Ha, yeah, there you go.
Thank you, I'm sorry, and you're welcome.
Still a little sore.
Hi.
Yeah, I think we're headed down shortly.
Yeah, I'll see you there.
That was Kelly.
Slut.
Uh, she's, uh,
headed to the beach. I'm gonna meet her.
That's gonna be some awkward shit. I wanna be front-row center.
Let's do it. I'm there.
Give the ticks a goodbye hug for me, please?
I will do so.
Okay.
I can stay here and hang out with you if...
Yeah, yes.
Okay, heh.
We could, uh, take a dip in the pool or something.
Oh, the... Yeah. I don't know about the pool
after what happened in there last night.
But you wanna do the crossword with me?
I'd love that.
Uh, 16 Across.
So, what happened with, uh, you-know-who?
Marcus apologized for everything.
He wants to go to couples therapy.
You're getting back together?
We're gonna go to city hall, get married, see if we can make it work.
What the fuck?
Just kidding.
Okay. Yeah, no, it's totally over.
Nice. I'm proud of you.
Thanks, Sue.
That's too bad. I always liked that guy.
God, I hope Kate has some guys for us.
Hell, I'd even go to Hoboken.
I mean, if he's really amazing, I'd consider going to Jersey City.
Oh, you would not.
I'm just making a point.
Uh, so Eric, um, last night,
Some things came up.
Yeah, I swear. I had no idea.
No, it's fine, really. It was just something
that I needed to get out of my system.
I hope she likes my sloppy seconds.
Oh, come on.
Morning, Kelly.
Hey. Morning, Eric.
Hey.
Hi Kelly, I'm Mike. We haven't officially met.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, wait, Mike.
Right. You're the guy that Dody was asking about.
She wanted your number for some kind of business thing or something?
Ah, what the fuck. Give her my digits, all right?
Nice to meet you.
Let loose the Kraken. Yeah.
So wow. Okay.
About last night.
How about this?
What?
How about this about last night?
We never talk about it ever, ever again.
It never happened. All right?
You and I have just met.
We're starting fresh right here, right now.
Done.
Hi, I'm Kelly.
Hi, Kelly. I'm Eric.
It's nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Hey!
Your blackberry!
Ah! Just an empty symbolic gesture.
I'm getting a new one on Tuesday.
But that did feel really, really good.
So this is the beach, huh?
Pretty beautiful. Who knew?
This is it.
Let's go on.
Okay, listen. I've got some bad news.
You're al Qaeda.
No.
You know the delay I pulled with closing the house?
It spooked the buyers and they pulled out.
The house isn't sold, yet?
No.
Are you mad?
No. No, no, no.
Will you hold on a sec though?
Hey, guys!
Yeah?
Quick announcement. I have a really shitty Realtor.
Fire her!
And she blew the deal.
And the house still isn't sold.
They're pissed.
They're really mad.
Great, now they're pissed.
They're mad.
Now I got shirt thinking of something to do for Memorial Day.
We've been kicking around this idea for a brown party.
You know brown clothes, brown food.
Hey, you guys remember Kelly, right?
What do you want?
Password's roundelay.
Who's your connection?
Dody Henderson. She's our Realtor.
Oh, Dody. Yeah, she's in the swing.
Come on in. Come on, you too.
Yeah. Okay.
You say he's just a friend
Oh, baby, you
You got what I need
What?!
But you say He's just a friend
What, what But you say he's just a friend
Oh, baby you