- [Chattering] - ##[Classical]
[Woman] Mozart found his calling at age five...
composing his first minuet.
Picasso discovered his talent for painting...
- when he was nine. - Oh. Thanks.
- Oh! - Tiger Woods swung his first club...
well before his second birthday.
Me? I was eight when I discovered my purpose in life.
I was at the St. Thomas Church next to the Hyatt Regency in Weehawken, New Jersey.
It was my cousin Lisa's wedding.
Here, Dad. Let me.
It was our first big family event since Mom died...
and Dad was not in great shape.
Daddy, can you take me to the girls' room? I have to go pee.
Uh, come on, Tess. Let's go.
[Screaming]
Shit! Oh, shit!
[Giggling]
- Oh,Janey, I'm sorry. - It's okay. We have cable.
What'll I do? What the f--
The heck am I gonna do?
Thank you so much, sweetie. You saved the day.
Janey, get my train.
And that was the moment. That's when I fell in love with weddings.
I knew that I had helped someone on the most important day of their life.
And I couldn't wait for my own special day.
Oh,Jane, that's stunning. It really is. It's the perfect dress.
Oh, my God. You look so beautiful.
Really? You really think so?
It's amazing, like it was made for you.
- It's for you. It's the bride. - Oh, great.
Thank you. Hi, Suzanne.
-Jane, is it ready? - Yeah. They just finished hemming it.
- It fits? - I know. Thank God we're the same size.
- Are you coming now? - I'm gonna have it over to you in just a minute.
- Don't worry about anything. This is your day. - Thanks,Jane.
[Shouting, Chatter]
Come on. Get that out of here.
[Screams] There you are! You look great.
- Thanks! - Okay. Let's go. Come on.
- [Groans] - Oh. Here.
- What's this? - I brought you a shawl, Visine, Tylenol...
- a pair of my earrings. - Ooh.
- About your hair-- - What? The bitch said, "Up." It's up.
Okay. I'll fix it inside.
What's all this stuff?
[Groans] Let's just hurry.
Aren't the dresses great? The best thing about them is...
-you can shorten them and wear them again. - Definitely. So true.
- Give me a smile. - [Camera Shutter Clicks]
Okay. Excuse me. On the right-
We are gathered here today to celebrate the union...
of Suzanne and Greg.
This is a time of great joy...
as we honor two people who have come together...
to be joined in holy matrimony.
- Oh, wow. - Sorry.
Taxi!
Great.
Thanks. 31 Water Street. Brooklyn.
Okay. I will give you $300 flat...
- for the whole night on one condition-- - Yeah.
You don't look in the rear view mirror or I deduct.
- Deal? Great. - Yeah.
What are you doing?
Hey. You just cost yourself 20 bucks.
I-- No one's looking.
I'll be right back.
- ##[Classical Indian] - Thank God you're here. I'm freakin' out.
- I forgot my thingy. - Oh! Um--
I brought extra. No worries.
- Perfect. - Thank you.
- Hi! - Hi!
Are these dresses great? And the best thing is you could shorten it and wear it again.
That is definitely so true.
We gather here today to join in holy matrimony...
- Shari Rabinowitz-- - And Prakash Maharasti...
known to his friends as "Woody."
Shari and Prakash are so happy that so many of you are here today-
What are you doing? Get in the car! Come on!
- Go! Go! Go! - [Engine Starts]
- You in? - Yeah.
- [Grunts] - [Horn Honks]
Hey! Hey! You are down to 260.
Are you sure you wanna keep this up?
- No! - Okay, then.
Okay. Which one do you want? The brunet or the blond?
I kinda want the blond. I'm not gonna lie.
Casey, can't you keep it in your pants for one wedding?
Are you kidding? The only reason to wear this monstrous dress...
is so some drunken groomsman can rip it to shreds with his teeth.
What time is it now? Well, I'm just gonna be about two more hours, so--
I'll call you back.
[Engine Starts]
Holy--
##[R&B]
Whoo!
- [Laughs] - [All] Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
#Lovely is the feeling now #
Hey! Wrong shoes! Wait a minute. Wrong shoes.
Ziggy! What?
# Temperature's rising now #
- Ha! - #Power #
Oh! Geez!
- [Tinkling] -Jane, I'm so hungry. Did you eat anything?
- Oh, yeah. - It looks gorgeous. I haven't eaten anything.
And let me give you some advice, do not drink Moet on an empty stomach.
- I'll tell ya. Whoa. Fall right off. - [Tinkling Louder]
[Tinkling]
- Did you meet my grandma? - Yeah. She was great. I really enjoyed her.
- I think she's having fun. - Oh, yeah. Lots.
#Don't stop till you get enough #
- #Keep on with the force # - Whoo-hoo!
- #Don't stop till you get enough # - #Keep on, baby #
- #Don't stop till you get enough ## - [Laughter]
-Jane, what is that thing on your forehead? - Oh.
I'd like to take a moment to give a special thank-you to a girl...
who's really gone above and beyond.
The girl who not only hosted my shower and helped me design the invitation--
She went with me to the caterer, the florist, the wedding cake bakery-
- [Laughter] - And to eight bridal stores...
where she helped me cling to my self-esteem--
As I tried on dress after dress.
So thanks,Jane!
Thanks,Jane.
Okay! Everybody ready?
[All Gasping]
- [Gasps] - [Shouts]
- [Grunts] - [Groans]
Is she all right?
[Groans]
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy.Just take it easy.
You don't wanna move around too much. Okay. This is a serious injury.
I need you to give me some ice. You, give me a bottle of 100-proof liquor...
and something she can bite on-- stat!
All right. She's fine, folks.
Just a little bump on the head. Carry on.
[Sighs] You a doctor?
No, but Tweedledee and "Tweedledrunk" were bugging me, so--
- Okay. Do you know your name? -Jane.
Jane. I'm Kevin.
Hmm. Thank you for helping me.
- Sure. Got it? - Uh-huh.
- Okay. You're good? - I'm fine.
All right.
Whoa, whoa. Okay. Why don't we get you a cab?
All right. Nice and easy. Let's walk.
- ##[Jazz Standard] - # That I'm irresponsibly mad #
#For you ##
I loved your thong, by the way.
You buzzed past me earlier. I saw you changing gowns.
You were in two weddings in one night, weren't you?
- That's a little upsetting, don't you think? - They're both good friends...
and their weddings happened to be on the same night, so what was I supposed to do?
Oh, no. That's not the upsetting part. How do you stand it?
- I mean, isn't one wedding bad enough? - I love weddings. I always have.
- Really? - Yeah.
Which part, the forced merriment, horrible music or bad food?
[Sighs] Actually, it's meeting upbeat people like yourself.
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love means slowly losing your mind.
- What is it you do again? - I'm a writer.
Right.
[Laughs]
- [Jane] This is my building. - I got it.
- No. I got it. - Sure?
Yeah.
All right, sweetie. A hundred and forty. You know what you did.
Hey! What's-- No. He's gonna be right back. Hold on.
Don't you think it's a whole lot of ritual for something that--
Let's face it-- It's got about a 50-50 shot of making it out of the gate.
[Sighs] How very refreshing. A man who doesn't believe in marriage.
- I'm just trying to point out the hypocrisy of the spectacle. - Oh.
That's so noble of you. Do you also go around...
telling small children that Santa Claus doesn't exist?
'Cause someone needs to blow that shit wide open.
So you admit that believing in marriage is kind of like believing in Santa Claus.
No. I--
I don't know why I'm arguing this with a perfect stranger.
But, yes, marriage, like everything good and important, isn't easy.
Cynicism, on the other hand, always is.
- It was very interesting meeting you. - Bye.
Yeah.
You gonna be in more weddings next weekend?
- I have to go. - How many have you been in, by the way?
- Just, like, ballpark. - Good night.
- Hey, you know what? Could you-- - Yeah?
- Forget it. - Yup.
Okay. [Sighs]
- [Door Creaking] - [Sighs]
## [Humming]
[Sighs] Death. Destruction. Wedding vows. Yea.
[Sighs] Come to mama.
Oh.
[Bells Tolling]
[Man] Jeter hit a walk-off in the ninth. Did you see it?
Uh, no. I work Saturday nights, remember?
- Here. From the happy couple. - Oh, that's right.
You were eating coconut cake and doing the Electric Slide.
- So how'd it go? - Oh, let's see.
The bride wore a gown that sparkled like the groom's eyes...
as he saw her approaching through a shower of rose petals.
And you're not getting laid?
Commitments is the gold standard of wedding announcements.
Every girl on the planet rips open that page, first thing Sunday.
Brides kill to get in there.
Do you have any idea what you can be doin'?
- You mean to women who are about to get married? - Yeah.
They won't call you. They won't bother you.
They will pretend they never even met you. You can't beat that.
Well, it's not gonna matter much longer anyway.
- You're looking at my ticket out of the taffeta ghetto. - Keep on dreaming.
- Uh, go away. - Yes. Okay.
What? I wasn't gonna come to work in my bridesmaid dress.
Two-day walk of shame outfit. Elegant.
[Laughing]
What happened to you the other night?
You were barely there, and then you disappeared.
- You meet someone? - Come on. No.
Oh. Ridiculous question.
[Scoffs]
- Good morning, Gina. - Hi.
- You haven't seen my Filofax anywhere, have you? - No.
No. Okay. I'll go look for it.
- Did you get those catalog pages in for George? - No.
Okay. No worries. I'll get them from production.
Attagirl. Show her who's boss.
- I'm not her boss. - You're the boss's assistant.
Same diff. What's the good of your job if you can't abuse the power?
- Casey, go to Accounting. - Now you're bossy.
[Laughs]
Where the hell did I put that thing?
That is a great idea for the front page of the section.
Oh, come on, Doyle. How many times have I heard this from you?
- I'm telling you, Maureen. It's a great idea. - Really?
As great as your last great idea, an expose on price-fixing at wedding bakeries?
Yes! Yes! They're ripping people off. Flour costs pennies per ounce.
That's an 8000/0 markup. It's outrageous.
Yes, it is. Also, no one cares.
What about the piece I wanted to do on the exploitation of workers in lace factories?
- That is a killer piece. - Oh, right.
That's what people really wanna read about in the Style section.
Kevin, this section practically pays for the entire paper.
Our advertisers want fun, upbeat, colorful human-interest stories...
- opposite their products. - So that's what we're about now? Making money?
- Get out. - All right. Listen. That was not right.
I get it. But this one is. Look, this woman...
- has been in seven weddings-- - So?
This year. She was in two on Saturday alone.
- [Sighs] - But it won't just be about her.
It'll be an incisive look at how the wedding industry has transformed something...
that should be an important rite of passage into nothing more than a corporate revenue stream.
In a fun, upbeat, you know, cheerful way.
Look, Maureen, I am dying back there in Commitments.
If I have to write another sentence about baby's breath, I'm gonna shoot myself.
This is a real story. This is what I wanna do.
I need you covering weddings. That's what you're good at.
And that's what I need you to do.
If you don't start giving me feature stories, I'm gonna have to quit.
One chance. If I don't like it, you go back to Commitments for the rest of your life...
with a big smile on that ridiculously handsome face of yours.
Deal.
- You think he'll like these? - Yes, I do.
I think those photos for the fall catalog will cause George to take you into his office...
- and make sweet love to you for hours and hours. - Shh! Casey.
Tell me that crazy crush is the reason you work as hard as you do, 'cause it's upsetting.
-Just like my job. Okay? - No. You just think that one day...
George is gonna wake up and realize that he is madly in love with you...
- and he's gonna make some spectacular gesture of love-- - Flowers for Jane Nichols.
Yeah. That's me. Thank you.
That's great. I spent two days in bed with a guy, and you get flowers.
- Nice. - There's no note.
Oh,Jane. You don't seriously think they're from your dream guy, do you?
Gina, can you take these to my desk for me?
- Sure. No problem. - Thank you.
Would you please stop saying that? Nobody knows.
Everybody knows,Jane, except George.
It's true.
- [Barking] - Gatsby! Hi, buddy. Hi!
Whoa! Come on, Gatsby. No slobbering on the ladies.
[Sighs] Hi.
- How was it? - It was phenomenal. Up and back...
in 10 hours-- our best time yet.
Isn't that, like, the eighth time you climbed Mount Whitney?
- How do you remember that stuff,Jane? - I don't know.
- So we just got these in. What do you think? - I think they're too corporate.
That's what I was thinking. They don't have enough of a feel of being-
Outdoors. Right. I mean, there's no adventure.
There's no danger. Plus, everyone looks way too put together.
Yeah. Like models. Got it. I will talk to Marketing.
See? That's why I keep you around,Jane.
- I mean, who else could finish my sentences? - [Laughs]
Your design meeting is at 11:00.
And the 92nd Street Y called to confirm that you'll be attending their benefit.
- You wanna go? - Do I have to make a speech?
Just a few words about ecologically responsible business practices.
Something light and fun. You in?
Yeah. Yeah, let's do it. Put it on the calendar...
but I'm probably gonna need to dig up a date for that, huh?
- Yeah. Probably. - At least that's the one thing in my life...
-you don't have to take care of for me, right? - Yeah.
[Sighs]
Oh, my... God!
- Leave me alone. - Jane!
- Yeah? - Did you put that breakfast burrito on my desk?
I just thought you might be hungry.
That's why I love ya.
I love you too.
Oh! Yeah.
Yeah. You're right. I needed that.
Okay, everybody. I hope to see you all at my engagement party tonight.
And,Jane, thanks again for arranging everything.
No problem.
Do you wanna come over to my place before the party?
Some of the guys from Shipping are coming...
- and they're bringing tequila and bubble wrap. - Fun!
I can't. I gotta pick up Tess from the airport.
God! Wouldn't it be great if there was a service that you could hire to do that?
Like yellow cars or shiny black sedans--
I want to pick her up. She's my baby sister.
Plus, she needs my help, so--
- See ya. - Wouldn't wanna be ya.
[Gasps]
- [Laughing] - Hi!
Yea!
Hey! When did you start traveling so lightly?
Oh.
I always meet the nicest people on planes.
Hmm. Come on. Parked in P-9.
Rudolfo said he wanted to come back to New York with me, of course...
but I told him that I needed space, you know?
Spazio, Rudolfo! Spazio.
Oh! This is so tiny and cute. I love it.
[Laughs]
Ah. Feels so good to be home.
Six months away feels like forever.
[Chuckles] Mom was my age,you know?
- Almost to the day. - Yeah.
It was the perfect wedding--
The Boathouse, the big band, ceremony at sunset.
Except that dress.
I mean, the synthetic lace and the inverted box pleats.
I think it was perfect.
- Well, they really did love each other. - Yeah.
What are these? Wedding announcements?
I'm-- No. They're just-- I was--
Excuse me. I was going to recycle them.
Well, excuse me. Into what? Wallpaper?
[Scoffs] It's just this one guy.
Malcolm Doyle-- I only keep his. He writes the best ones.
I just-- I love the stories-- The crazy proposals...
the engagements.
Yeah. Never mind. It's not really your thing. So, um, how long you stayin'?
Um, a week or two 'cause the fall fashion shows are done, so I don't have much work.
Speaking of work. I am meeting up with some people from the office tonight for a party.
- You wanna come? - Actually, I'm having drinks with some friends from Milan.
All right. So, let me get this straight.
You would rather go have drinks with Italian models...
than come to my awesome work party?
- [Mocking Scoff] Weird, huh? - Yeah.
- But I'll try to make it. - Well, thanks.
Grey Goose is in the freezer. Red Bull's on top of the 'fridge.
-In the cupboard there are-- - [Together] Strawberry Pop Tarts.Jinx!
- I said it first. I beat you. - [Jane Groans]
- St. Marks and A. - You got it.
- [George] Hi, Gina. - Hey, George.
- Great party. - Thanks for comin'.
[No Audible Dialogue]
- You got them champagne glasses and a bottle of Cristal. - Good.
All right. Any way she's gonna believe that it actually came from me?
- Maybe. I wrapped it like a car ran over it. - Nice. Nice touch.
Ah, look. I'm gonna go to the bar, get a couple of drinks.
You guys need anything. A little liquid courage?
- Maybe some hair of the dog for you? - [Forced Laugh]
I'm good. Thanks.
He asks if you want a drink, you smile and you say, "Vodka soda."
If you already have a drink, you down it. Then there's some flirting, some interoffice sex...
an accidental pregnancy, a shotgun wedding and a life of bliss.
How many times do we have to go over this?
- [Jane] I don't want him to think I'm irresponsible. - Hey, guys.
Yeah. That's what guys want, responsible. Mmm!
You're wrong. George appreciates me for the way I am.
What good is it being appreciated if no one is naked?
Hey,Jane. Look. By the way...
did you get that thing I left on your desk this morning?
- O-On my desk? - Yeah. Was that okay?
- Okay? It was great. - Okay. Good. Good.
'Cause, you know, we haven't really had that kind of relationship before...
so I just wanted to make sure you were okay with it.
- [Man] George! - All right. Excuse me.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He gave me flowers. He gave me flowers.
Okay. Stop it. This is real life. This is not a fantasy.
You have to go over there and tell him how you feel.
Okay. It's now or never, so-- so now.
- Now, now. Go. Now! - Yeah.
[No Audible Dialogue]
##[Electronic Alternative]
[Woman] Whoo!
##[Man Singing, Indistinct]
-Jane. - Sorry.
George, this is my sister, Tess. Tess, this is my George-- No! I didn't mean it like that.
Jane is my assistant. Kind of like my right hand.
Lucky her.
[Laughs] Yeah.
It's kind of like whatever I need, she takes care of.
As if I don't take enough advantage of her already...
I even dropped my dry cleaning slip off on her desk today.
[Sighs] Your dry cleaning slip.
- It was an emergency, so-- - Of course.
Good fluff-and-fold is no joking matter.
Yeah. Especially when you're down to your last pair of socks.
Right.
- You wanna get a drink? - Mm-hmm.
Came to have a drink with my sister.
Janey?
Hi. How are ya?
Were the flowers too much?
- They're from you. - Uh-huh.
You sent them. The angry marriage-hater.
Oh, that's--That's such... good news.
Good news. Hey, Kev, can you hold this for one sec?
- Uh, sure. - Thanks.
Motherf--
- [Yelling, Squealing] Why? Why? - [Man Clears Throat]
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
[Chuckles] Congratulations.
Fifty. Wow. That's--
I'm sorry. You were saying.
Uh, I just asked if you'd got my flowers.
Oh, and I have something for you.
I wanted to give you-
- Here you are. - Oh, my God. Thank God.
Yeah. You left it in the cab. It was either the engagement party tonight...
or Thursday's bikini wax, so-- I thought that--
- You read it? - Yeah. Well, no. I tried to read it.
It was very hard. All your little notes in the little cramped handwriting.
It's very Unabomber. You know, they do have these Space Age computer date books now...
- that take care of everything for you. - Oh, yes.
- I don't need to be taken care of. Thank you. - Uh, have a drink with me.
- Yeah? - Uh, you know--
Thank you for bringing back my Filofax. That was very nice.
It's a drink. It's not a week in Oahu. Come on. It'll take the edge off.
Come on.Just one drink.
I'm sorry. I'm really not gonna be very much...
fun tonight.
Got it. Totally got it. So maybe I'll bump into you on Thursday.
Maybe not. I'll see you around.
[Laughter]
Who was that? And where can I get one?
- Is he coming back? - [Laughs]
- [Laughing] - That's freakin' insane. I could never do that.
- No, no. - You didn't eat it?
Oh, my God. I didn't even see it. I promise.
It's late. You must be exhausted. Let's--You wanna--
- Let's go dancing. - What? No. I don't-- George, you don't wanna--
Yeah. No. I'll go. Okay.
- Yeah, but I gotta warn you. I'm a terrible dancer. - Come on.
No. It's true. In fact, on several occasions, they've had to call the paramedics.
- You wanna come too,Jane? - Um--
No, no. You guys go.
- Have a good time. - Okay. Let's go.
[Mouths Words]
[Door Slams]
[Jane] Go to sleep,Jane.
Go to sleep. [Groans] 3:00 a.m.?
[Scoffs]
# Well, sometimes I go out by myself #
#And I look across the water #
#And I think of all the things what you're doin'#
#And in my head I paint a picture #
# 'Cause since I come home #
# Well, my body's been a mess #
#And I miss your tender hair #
#And the way you like to dress #
#Oh, won't you come on over #
#Stop making a fool out of me #
# Why don't you come on over, Valerie ##
Oh, hi, Tess. How was your date? Nice? What?
You talked about me the whole time?
Don't feel bad. I'm a really important part of his life.
We spend every hour, every day together.
[Door Opens]
- Hey! Still up? - Hi.
Yeah. Yeah,just doin' a little bit of cleaning. Harnessing my chi. [Chuckles]
Janey, I had...
the best night ever.
Oh, that's right! I totally forgot you went out.
- Ow! - Is that weird for you?
What? Weird? Why would it be weird? He's my boss. I don't care. Whatever.
- Okay. Great. 'Cause we're having lunch tomorrow. - That's so great!
Yeah. I think so too. Except not quite at that decibel.
[Chuckles]
So tell me about George.
Oh. Well. I--
Uh, he, uh--
Well, he dropped out of college...
and then climbed every major peak in the world.
And then he started Urban Everest from his apartment...
and turned it into one of the most eco-friendly philanthropic businesses in the world--
all before he was 30.
- Wow. - Yeah.
And that's just his resume. He is an unbelievable boss. Everybody loves him. Everybody.
And he loves his dog, Gatsby, more than anyone.
He doesn't eat red meat, which is kinda cool.
And he would rather spend all his time outside than anywhere else.
My God. He sounds amazing.
[Sighing]
Yeah. Yeah, but he has flaws. He does.
He is flawed.
- What do you mean? - Well, he hates cashews...
which is weird.
And sometimes he doesn't wear socks with sneakers.
I just think that's gross.
Jane.Jane, those aren't exactly deal-breakers.
Deal. Wh-What deal?
I mean, nothing happened between the two of you tonight, did it?
- Did it? - Well.
Oh. I got ya. Nice.
Mmm. [Laughs] Fun.
Sounds fun. [Sighs]
- Dad? - Oh, hey, sweetie.
How are you? Oh, you didn't have to--
Tessie! Oh! Oh!
- Hi. - Look at you.
[Laughs, Sighs] Oh, Dad. This place looks exactly the same.
Now that's not fair.
I got a brand-new awning. I just stripped and re-varnished all the woodwork. Look.
- New cash register. Digital. - Oh.
Wow, Dad. I'm sorry. I don't know how I missed all these...
remarkable improvements.
-[Laughing] - Give me that. Let's go upstairs.
There we go.
Dad, aren't we a little old for these?
- No. - Good, 'cause I love 'em!
- [Laughs] - So, Tess, how long you here for?
One to two weeks, right? That's what you said.
Um, actually, it just depends on how a few things pan out.
What things?
- What-What-What few things? What's-- - [Cell Phone Ringing]
[Mouths Words]
- Hello? Hi! - Let me guess.
Some new guy is chasing after her?
I wouldn't call it "chasing." [Laughs]
- Oh, George. I would love to. -Jane?
- What? - You okay?
Yeah! Oh, yeah. Great. Fine. Everything's fine.
[Laughing]
[Tess] Of course. [Laughs]
[George Laughing]
[Gasps] I gotta stop.
[Muttering, Mimicking]
She's gonna call me. I guarantee it.
- I got a way of making the ladies reach out to me. - Oh, yeah. How?
- Oh, God. - [Beeping]
[Cell Phone Ringing]
Whoo! Ah. "Yello."
You ripped a week out of my planner. Are you insane?
It's a little experiment. See how you do without every second of your life mapped out.
By the way, your life is insane.
What do you do besides work and help people get married?
You know what? I don't see how that's any of your business.
How do you afford these weddings?
I mean, the dresses, the airfares, the wine of the month clubs?
Hey, people love that gift. And I'm a frequent member.
So sometimes they throw in a free gewurztraminer.
Wow. That is terribly sad. I'm sorry about that.
Ah. Well, look. I wanna make it up to you.
Okay? How about a new date book or maybe just a date?
Uh, yeah. Sure. Let me just pencil you in.
Except, hey! You already did. Every Saturday for the rest of the year.
You know what? Can you please, please find someone else to be creepy with?
Nope. Tell you what. Anytime you wanna hang out with somebody...
who doesn't need you to take them to a fitting or a cake-tasting...
or a coed mojito and burrito rehearsal dinner, just give me a call.
- Yeah. Okay. - [Laughs]
Oh, God.
- Hey! - Hey!
- Are we getting too old for hugs? - No.
Thank you. [Sighs]
[George] There he is.
- Pedro. How's it goin'? - Hey, what's up?
- So Pedro is my, uh-- - I'm his little brother.
From the Big Brother Program at the Y.
- Oh. - Pedro, Tess happens to be Jane's sister.
- Oh. - [Loudly] Hola, Pedro.
Yeah. Um, look,Jane, Tess and I...
are gonna take Pedro to his baseball game if you wanna join us.
I can't. I've got so much work to do. I should stay here.
Are you kidding me,Jane? Look, your boss is a jerk anyhow.
- Let's go. I don't wanna have to fire you. - [Laughs] Okay.
All right? All right. Let's go.
[Chattering]
- Hey. How you doin'? - All right.
Let me get three Diet Pepsis, three fries and--
- Chili dog. You want a chili dog? - Uh, no.
- Not unless it's a tofu dog with meatless chili. - I'm sorry. What?
- You're a vegetarian? - Uh-huh. It's recent.
- Oh, is it? - You know, 'cause I'm a vegetarian too.
- Oh. - I used to be a vegan, but it was too much of a hassle.
Oh, God. I know. I mean, even being a vegetarian is a challenge.
I mean, every time I go hiking, I have to bring my homemade "to furky jerky."
You go hiking? I mean, no offense...
but you hardly seem like the kind of girl that hits the trails--
Especially in those shoes.
Don't be silly. The best "to furky" is made by publicists in kitten heels.
I can see how you would think that, but I actually love...
all that outdoorsy type of stuff--
You know, hiking and biking and climbing up things.
But, to tell you the truth, I haven't been hiking since--Well, since my dog died.
See Jane and I had this dog growing up, Tory.
I just-- I loved him.
He would just go on nature hikes and climbing adventures.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about that bag of fleas.
Good ol' Tory.
Jane, how come you never mentioned Tory?
I don't know. I must have repressed the memory of Toby.
Yeah. His name was "Toby," but I called him "Tory" because I had a lisp.
A lisp that turned your "B's" to "R's"?
You know what? When I was a kid, I had a stutter.
No way!
- We have more things in common than I thought. - Yeah, me too.
I'm gonna go out and shag some flies with Pedro.
Ooh! I'm jealous. It sounds fun. [Laughs]
- What are "shagging flies"? - What are you doing?
- What? - You hate dogs and tofu and being outside.
No. I like yachts. I like flowers. I like, you know, tanning.
- I mean, it's not exactly the same-- - And you hated Toby.
You hated him. The only animals you ever cared about are dead ones with sleeves.
You're just saying all this stuff because George is so... attractive.
- Or some people think he is. - I did not hate that dog.
I just hated it when he slobbered on me.
And I could like soy milk and hiking if I tried it. Maybe.
Hey, Tess. What do you say you come out here. Let's see that arm.
Ooh. Fun. Are we gonna shag now? [Giggles]
- Ever done this before? - No. I don't know how to do this.
- Here you go. - Okay. Like that?
Put this arm down there. All right? Hold that elbow up.
- Okay. - All right. Hold it there.
Hi.
Thank you. Thank you.
- [Sighs] Oh. - #I'm in like with you #
- "Love, George." - Ah.
#Not in love with you quite yet #
- George. - #My heart's beginning to #
Oh, that's terrific.
#Slightly overrule my head #
#Oh, no, oh, no My self-control #
- #It won't hold up for very long # - [Mouths Word]
#Oh, no, oh, no #
- # You touch my soul # - We should all go fishing together sometime.
Wouldn't that be great?
[Chattering]
# 'Cause I might need a moment #
#And I wouldn't wanna spoil it Who knows #
#If I am ready or not #
- # To date or not # - #Only time will tell #
# Who knows #
#If we are ready to make this #
#Something #
# Who knows #
#Mmm,yeah #
You know that in sign language, this means "I love you."
- #But I haven't fallen in quite yet # - I love you too, Tess.
#Oh, no, oh, no #
#My self-control #
#It won't hold up for very long #
#Oh, no, oh, no #
# You touch my soul #
#I can't help falling too fast for you #
- # Who knows # -Jane!
#If I am ready or not ##
- Which one sucks less? - This one.
- Good. Maybe, uh, would you mind again? - Nope.
- Thank you. - I do it for my dad all the time.
[Laughs, Sighs]
You okay? You seem a little bit nervous.
Yeah. No. I'm cool.
- How's it look? - Great.
- Here you go. Mm-hmm. - Thank you.
[Vacuum Machine Whirring]
## [Traditional Italian]
Oh, hey. Guys, guys! Hold it. She's not the one. She's not the one.
Hey.Jane.
I'm so sorry. I should've called, but you forgot your wallet.
Oh. Well, thanks.
Sorry I'm late.
Hey, guys. Now, now.
[Breathing Heavily] Jane, what's going on?
[Whistles] Come here, boy.
Golly. Here you go.
[Gasps]
- Oh! - Hey, Tess.
- Sorry. - Um--
Will you do me a favor? Sit down a second.
Okay.
So, Tess. My parents met playing hopscotch when they were, like, eight years old...
and they were married for 42 years.
And I've been waiting my whole life to feel the way my dad felt about my mom.
And maybe I've been too busy trying to make something of myself...
- but, I think I... - Oh!
missed some of those moments.
- But, Tess, the second that I saw you... - Okay.
I knew that we could be great together.
So, um--
- [Gasps] - Tess, will you marry me?
Yes, of course I will.
[Sighs] George.
So, wait. Does this mean that you're moving back here?
Yup.
Whoa. Well, I-- I don't know what to say. You give Jane a job...
then you get Tessie to move back home.
George, you're my hero. I mean it.
Oh, thank you. You have a couple of pretty great girls here.
Wait.Just a second. I wanna get somethin'. Don't go anywhere.
[Laughs, Indistinct]
[Laughs] Who isn't?
I'm so excited that we did this today.
- He's so happy. - Tess.
[Gasps] Daddy!
- Your mother would've wanted you to have it. - Daddy, thank you!
Okay.
- Thank you. - Okay.
-Jane, you don't mind, right? - No. No.
- You can have it after me. - No. That's good. It's right. Mom would've wanted that.
- Yeah. Mom would've wanted that. - That's my Jane.
Okay. Yeah. That's right.
It was my mother's.
- Isn't that amazing? - That's beautiful.
Dad, I don't even know what to say.
Uh, so I'm just trying to figure out why you decided to meet with me.
You've been ducking me and then, all of a sudden--
My little sister's getting married.
- Ah, before you. - That's not what I'm upset about.
Then what are you upset about?
[Groans] You don't know Tess. She's gonna want me to do everything.
I'm not gonna just be her maid of honor.
I'm gonna be taking care of everything.
- So why don't you just say, "No"? - What?
Say, "No."
- You have said, "No," to people before? - Yes. Of course.
Many, many times. In this situation, never. Not once.
Ah, but you want to say, "No."
[Laughs] But I can't. It's my sister.
But you can say, "No." Because it's your sister--
All right. You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna practice.
All right? We're gonna practice saying, "No." You think I'm kidding?
Turn around. We're gonna play this game. Come on. Humor me.
All right.Jane, give me 50 bucks.
- No! -Jane, it's 50 bucks. I'll pay you back.
No.
Jane, I need you...
to give me 50 bucks.
No?
Eh, not bad.
- Can I have your drink? - Sure.
- No! - [Groans]
- Oh, no. - You were doing so well.
- That's terrible. - Mm-hmm.
- So you went by the flower shop and ordered the favors? - Yup.
- Uh-huh. - What about the invitation mock-ups?
- Done. - This is so much fun!
[Sighs]
Did I tell you I asked Julie to be one of the bridesmaids?
- Who? - Cousin Julie. Second cousin twice removed.
[Sighs]
- What about Mimi? Cousin Mimi? - Oh, no way.
She's so pregnant. It'll just throw off the aesthetics.
I'm sorry. I know you don't love Julie.
What's not to love about a woman who asked me if I chaired...
the Itty Bitty Titty Committee all through my teen years?
Just don't listen to her. Your boobs came in eventually. They just missed high school.
As for the third bridesmaid, I want you to ask your friend...
- that really rude one. - Casey?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. - My Casey?
She's really pretty. She can pull off the strapless.
I don't have that many girlfriends. For some reason, girls just don't like me.
I don't know why.
Okay. Fine. I know why. Will you just ask her?
[Sighs] Sure. Of course.
So I was also thinking we could do a slide show for the rehearsal dinner.
You know, put pictures of George and I together and say funny things.
- Okay. - Oh, and guess what. That writer you obsess about...
he wants to do a whole Commitments column on us in the Journal.
He called me. Can you believe it?
At this point, I absolutely can.
Listen, um, I've been thinking a lot about what you said, and I think you're right.
I think it would be so special if I did a wedding just like Mom and Dad's.
-Just like? - You know, especially since I'm wearing Mom's dress.
So, ta-da!
- The Boathouse? - Uh-huh.
At first, when I called, they said they had no availability for 18 months.
But then the ninth time I called, they said they had a cancellation.
Apparently the bride slept with the groom's father and brother...
and sister and all these people.
So, obviously, it got canceled and they were all devastated.
But which means...
we're getting married in three weeks.
- [Laughs] - Three weeks?
Uh-huh. Oh,Jane. I know you can pull it together quickly.
And I didn't wanna wait that long anyway, so--
[Sighs]
Uh, you could be a little excited for me.
No, I am. I am. It's just--
It's just that you wanted to get married at The Boathouse in Mom's dress too.
I know.
No, I just-- I didn't know that that's what you wanted...
but if it is, then I just want you to be happy.
- You know that. - Great!
Okay. Now can we talk about more important stuff?
Come on. I really don't like the linens, and I think we need to rent new ones...
because they do not go with the color scheme that I picked out.
That selfish whore.
- Namaste. - Namaste.
I can't believe it. I cannot believe it.
There is no man that won't fall for her. Even a do-gooder like George.
Men just become hypnotized by her voodoo and they lose their minds.
You can't plan your sister's wedding to the man you love. It's sick.
To be fair, she didn't know how I felt about him.
And nor should she-- He's my boss.
I'm just gonna have to get over it. I don't really have a choice.
And neither do you.
She wants you to be a bridesmaid.
[Scoffs] You are shitting me.
- Hello? - Please.
No. No, I won't do it, on principle.
I say, "No," on principle. No. You can count me out.
[Sighs] Please. Please don't leave me alone in this.
- Please, please, please. - Fine. Fine.
Because it's you. But if she crosses me, I'm gonna kick her ass.
And then I will kick your ass. Then I'm gonna have a couple drinks--
[Gong Ringing]
There's no sign that says, "No talking."
Three weeks? It cannot be done.
- It is not enough time for one of my creations! - Okay, um...
Antoine, remember when I brought you the Schecters...
and they commissioned that six-tiered, heart-shaped masterpiece?
Then, of course, the tower of edible gifts...
for the Schifman-Guardino outdoor fiesta.
[Laughs] You can do anything, and we both know it.
You're gonna do the cake, and you're gonna do it in three weeks...
- and I would like a discount, please. - Three weeks?
- It pleases me. - Delightful.
- We have a cake. - [Clapping]
- What are you doing here? - Hi. I'm Malcolm Doyle.
- What? - Oh, yes. I didn't wanna believe it till you were here.
- Um, this is my fiance, George. - Hi. Congratulations...
- to the both of you. - [Cell Phone Rings] - Thank you.
Oh. Babe, I gotta take this. All right?
- Okay. - If there's a cake emergency...
I'm right over here.
Oh, and this is Jane, my sister.
- She's obsessed with your stories. - [Forced Chuckle]
- She keeps them, but pretends she doesn't, but she does. - Okay.
She's your number one fan.
Not in a creepy way though.
- Right. - You said your name was "Kevin."
As in "Kevin."
Well, I use "Malcolm" for the byline so I don't get stalked by crazy brides.
- So how did you meet George? - You're an asshole.
-Jane. - What? I'm sorry. He said his name was "Kevin."
- I'm just-- I'm a little bit confused. - Wait.
- You guys know each other? - Well, we both work the wedding circuit, so--
Can you just give us one second? I'm just gonna-- over-- for one second...
talk to-- talk about you.
Antoine.
- [Indistinct] - You lied to me.
No. I told you I was a writer. I didn't tell you what I wrote.
But-- But you write the most beautiful things.
Do you actually believe in love and marriage and pretend to be a cynic...
or are you a cynic who knows how to spin romantic crap for girls like me?
I didn't follow that at all. But I think the second one, the spinning crap one.
Oh, my God. I feel like I found out my favorite love song was written about a sandwich.
Um, can I steal you away to tell you about George and me?
Of course. Of course. That's why I'm here.
- [Sighs] - [Indistinct]
[Knocking]
[Groans] What? Tess is not here.
- I'm here to see you. - Why?
Come on. I have to talk to all of the friends and family.
It'll take five minutes. Please?
- For George and Tess? - [Scoffs]
Well, okay.
Thank you.
- May I come in? -Just ask me what you wanna ask me.
- Or would you prefer to lie some more? - I didn't lie to you.
I don't know why you keep saying that.
- I may have left out a couple of things. - Can we just get this over with?
The maid of honor is a peculiar young woman.
So tell me how you feel about Tess's whirlwind romance.
I couldn't be happier. She's my kid sister.
I taught her how to tell time, how to ride a bike...
how to steam flounder in the dishwasher.
I mean, I practically raised her-- Oh, please, don't print that.
That would kill my father.
Wait. What are those?
Nothing.
- Are those-- - No!
- Are they bridesmaid dresses? - This is none of your business.
- [Grunts] - Oh! Good God.
What? You kept them all? You have a whole closet full. Why?
I have a lot of friends and I like to keep them.
Right. Well, that makes complete sense...
- because they're beautiful. - Some are not that bad.
"Not that bad"? I'd like to see one of them that's not that bad.
[Scoffs] Fine.
Um, well-- Not that one.
This one-- This one is really--
Horrible. Right? Was the word you're looking for.
What color is this? Vomit?
No, it's like a-- It's an "olivey" green. It's very in.
I'm telling you, it looks great on.
Uh, no. I'm telling you that this is an instrument of torture...
inflicted on you by a bride who wants you to look ugly.
No.Jenna picked it because it looks good on everybody.
Slightly delusional and will believe anything anyone tells her.
That is not true and I'm going to show you you are wrong.
- [Door Slams] - [Sighs]
[Camera Beeps]
See?
It's not so bad. This sash is really very flat--
Okay. You are totally right about the dress. It is not that bad.
But, come on. The color? Please.
Well, it's your flash. I think it's blowing it out weird...
and if it were just a normal-- Okay, it's not very good.
You kind of look like a shiny mermaid.
[Laughs]
You should be flattered. She didn't want to stand next to a tall, beautiful woman...
and have you actually looking decent.
[Laughs] It's really not the worst one.
If I had to pick one-- I got a good one.
- This is my favorite. - Oh, my God.
- What the hell is that? - Theme wedding.
- What was the theme, "humiliation"? God! - [Camera Beeps]
- No, people do not have Gone With The Wind weddings. - I have been to three.
- Let's do it. - [Man] All right.
- Y'all say, "Diddly-dee." - [All] Diddly-dee.
- [Camera Beeps] - Oh!
I feel sick. All right. What else you got? Show me some more.
- [Camera Beeps] - [Laughs] - Okay. Okay.
- You have to show me Benihana. - Give it.
[Laughing]
# You ain't got the crime 'Cause she ain't got #
- [Camera Beeps] - #Nothing' on you #
[Sighs, Laughs]
- Aha! - [Camera Beeps]
Very pretty. Do you feel pretty?
- Adorable. - [Camera Beeps]
Every bride loves her accessories.
- Men wore dresses. Women wore suits. - [Camera Beeps]
[Laughs]
Whoa!
- Kevin? - Yup.
Oh!
Um--
What was the theme here?
L.A. Wedding.
# You gotta party If you're feeling hearty #
#She's in love now #
# Would you rather see #
# That you know Yeah #
#Come on #
Twenty-seven dresses. You gotta be kidding me.
I don't get it. All right. You-- You do the thing, you have the dress.
Just throw it out. That's a huge closet.
You live in New York. You cannot be eating up space like that.
Strange as it sounds, I've had some really good times in those dresses.
- Weird as that may be. - I don't believe you.
I don't care if somebody wants me to wear a funny dress.
- It's their day, not mine. - God bless you.
And if supporting them when they get married means...
snowshoeing to a mountaintop in the Alps or...
- helping to caulk a fountain for some swans, then- - You actually did that?
Oh, I'm a really, very good caulker.
- Likes caulk. - [Laughing]
All right. But come on. Seriously.
I mean, how much time do you spend doing this for other people?
What about--What about you? You don't have any needs?
No, I don't. I'm Jesus.
[Chuckles]
Someday-- God knows when-- But someday...
it'll be my day.
And then all those people will be there for me. So--
- [Sighs] That is if I ever-- - [Shutter Clicks]
Sorry.
You don't get it.
That's fine. Why would you?
[Knocking]
Hey. I need your registry list.
I thought you were gonna wait downstairs.
##[Singing]
What is that?
- George is in Telluride. Who's in here? - No one.
- Let's talk in the hall. - Tess.
-Jane-- - ## [Continues]
He was looking for a part-time job.
He's... cleaning the apartment.
- # Oh, boy # - [Tess] Look, don't tell George.
It's Pedro and my little secret, okay?
#I don't really know what I'm doing ##
Kevin!
That bridesmaid story-- what do you have so far?
Uh, it's a little rough. I'm still workin' on it.
- I want to see it. - I'm not even--
- Right now. E-mail it. - It's not-I'm not finished with it. It's not done.
[Jane] Can you go away, please? I did not invite you.
Well, luckily Tess did. When I cover a wedding, I gotta see every aspect.
You know, your sister wants so many presents from so many stores...
that she physically cannot register for them all herself.
- She's pressed for time. It's a short engagement. - [Beeping]
Good God. Another one?
To you, it's just another casserole dish.
To Tess, it's the pot she's gonna cook my mother's Christmas roast in.
Oh, Tess cooks?
All right. Well, I'm gonna cook it. But Tess will be there...
with George.
- And this isn't just another "vahze." - Vase.
This is the "vahze" that Tess will get out...
when George brings home flowers, just because he felt like it.
I see. And this--
this is the rooster-shaped umbrella holder that will hold all of George's umbrellas.
Fine. Be a jerk.
All I'm saying is that this isn't just stuff.
- These are the things that make up a life together. - No.
This is the useless crap that the 70-billion-dollar-a-year wedding industry...
has convinced us all that we have to have or we won't be happy.
You know what I think? I think that all your statistics and theories...
are just a smoke screen.
- Oh, really? For what? - Your little secret--whatever it is.
Your parents got divorced. You haven't found the right girl.
- You're afraid you never will. - Mm-hmm.
And I think you love weddings so much...
because you'd rather focus on other people's Kodak moments than make memories of your own.
You're right. Know why? Because weddings are the perfect place to forget about being single.
I think you want a wedding-- not a marriage, a wedding.
What is your problem?
Did you have your own fancy wedding and your wife left you or something?
Bingo.
What?
With my roommate from college, by the way.
So I think you get an extra bingo for that.
Oh, shit. Kevin, I'm--
I'm so sorry. It was just-- It was a guess.
It was a good one.
For someone who has no insight whatsoever into herself...
you nailed me right on the head.
Want to find the ugliest stuff in the store and register Tess for it?
[Chuckles]
Let's do it.
Wow.
- I told you I was not done with it yet. - No, it's good.
I meant, "Wow, it's actually decent."
I have to admit, I was shocked...
but, uh, it's smart and, uh, biting...
and actually entertaining as hell.
- Well, thank you. - You really nailed this girl.
We're running it Sunday, front page of the section.
Um, here is where you jump up and down with gratitude.
Oh-- No, no, no, no. I just--
I just don't think it's perfect yet. I really want to get this right.
- We should just hold it a week. - Wait. You've been begging me for months...
and now you want me to hold the story so you can move some commas around?
I don't know. Now that I'm in it, she's more than just this perpetual bridesmaid.
You know, I don't know. There's-- There's a lot more to her than that.
Huh. If I didn't know you any better...
I would say that you'd developed a little crush.
Very funny. Look, I know I can make it better.
- It's good the way it is. - Will you just give me a week? Just a week.
[Sighs] Fine. Get out.
- Hi. - Oh, hey. Thank you for coming on such short notice.
Oh, it's no problem. I'm happy to help.
And I have more experience eating than Tess does, so you're in good hands.
Now, we've planned your wedding dinner to your exact specifications.
-Jane's phone. - Tess?
- Hey, it's Kevin. - Hey! How is the article coming?
Uh, I think it's gonna be a great piece. I think you'll be very happy.
- I can't wait. - Hey, listen. Any chance you know where Jane is?
Yeah, you know, the thing that I like about Tess is there's no bullshit.
You know, she's not afraid to be herself.
George, about Tess-- There's something that I want to say.
- Um-- - What?
I'm just so happy for you, that you found what you were looking for.
All right. So what's your favorite part...
of a wedding?
Oh, that's easy.
You know when the music starts and the bride makes her big entrance...
and everybody turns to look at her?
That's when I look at the groom. 'Cause his face says it all.
You know, the pure love there.
That's why I go.
Okay. So when you get married and you make your entrance...
I have full permission to look at the groom?
Yes. Please do. Please make sure the poor sucker is still standing there.
[George] Are you kidding me? Some guy would be lucky to have you.
And the way that you attacked that tomatillo before-- Who could resist that?
Very sexy.
[Jane Laughing]
[George] Doyle?
- Hey. - [George] Hey.
What are you doing here?
Are you guys picking out the wedding meal?
- Where's Tess? - She's... getting her hair done.
- I'm just helping out. - Mm-hmm.
We're heading up to Rhinebeck to pick out some linens from an antique store.
Yeah, we really should go, because Tess and I have dinner with my parents.
- Well, why don't I just go with you? - What? No. No. That's okay.
Um, I can get you back on time. I got my dad's Volvo, and that thing books.
All right, look. I really don't mind. It's totally fine.
I got a couple more questions to ask you anyway for the article.
Which I'd be happy to answer, by phone or e-mail.
If you wouldn't mind, that would be a great help.
I don't mind at all. I insist.
[Rain Falling, Thunder Rumbling]
It was like a lightbulb. The second I saw you mooning at him over polenta.
Of course you're upset. You're planning your sister's wedding...
to the man that you're in love with.
You're stuck in this creepy little love triangle...
and all the while, you're about one monogrammed party favor away from blowing your brains out.
[Jane] That is ridiculous.
Oh, come on. Course you can't tell him because you're Nice Jane, you're Sweet Jane.
You don't know what you're talking about, okay?
He's my boss. She's my sister. I am thrilled to be planning their wedding-- tickled even.
Like I have been for every wedding that I've been a part of.
But you can't understand that because you're--
you're mean... and dark and cynical.
And, well, that's your problem, pal, not mine.
- "Pal"? "Pal"? - Yeah. Uh-huh.
"Hey, pal. Pal." This is bad. You're calling me "pal."
Oh, will you just be quiet?
Look, I get it. You're mad. I just ruined the whole afternoon...
of you pining over somebody that you'll never, ever have.
Stop it! Just stop.
Okay. Would you slow down just a little bit so I can read this sign?
[Engine Revs]
Okay. My Spidey vision's not working so good.
- Do you think you could slow down just a little bit? - Would you leave me alone!
[Tires Squealing]
Seriously. Crazy Lady, we're gonna hydroplane. Slow down.
Come on. We are not gonna hydroplane.
- [Tires Squealing] - Whoa!
Whoa! We're hydroplaning. We're hydroplaning!
[Both Screaming]
[Screams] We're gonna die! We're gonna die!
We're gonna die!
[Gasps]
Don't say anything.
[Engine Revving, Tires Skidding]
- You got anything? - No.
- Uh-- - I said don't! Nothing.
- ## [Blues On Jukebox] - [Thunder Rumbling]
Excuse me. Uh, your pay phone's dead.
Nice work. You're like one of those guys on C.S.I.
Uh, any chance we could use your phone?
Could I get a scotch, three fingers, no ice, please?
- What are you doing? - Well, it's late...
we're not getting a tow, and we're in East Deliverance, New York.
I'm gonna have a drink.
Come on. There's nobody you can help right now.
Why don't you just sit down, relax, have a drink? It's been a long day.
Here you go.
Fine.
Just one!
- Ah! - Okay. February 12, 2006.
The Keller wedding. You wrote a column that moved me to tears.
It was downright, flat-out the most beautiful thing I have ever read.
- Oh-- I don't remember it. - How can you not remember that?
- I don't remember it. - How can you not?
It was the anniversary of the father's death. The brother flew home from Afghanistan.
- You cannot fake emotion like that. - Oh, yes, you can.
- A good writer can. - You're not that good.
[Exhales] Nice!
[Chuckling]
There's gotta be one thing about weddings that you like.
- Open bar. - No.
All right.
So when the bride comes in and she makes her giant, grand entrance--
I like to glance back at the poor bastard getting married.
'Cause even though I think he's an idiot...
for willingly entering into the last legal form of slavery...
he always looks really, really happy.
And, for some reason, I--
What the hell are you looking at me like that for?
- Are you shitting me right now? - What?
That's my favorite part.
Oh, my God. We have something in common.
Yes. Well, statistically that was bound to happen.
Uh-huh. I think you should just admit that you're a big softy.
That this whole cynical thing is just an act so that you can seem...
wounded and mysterious and sexy.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. What was that last one? - What?
- Did you say sexy? - What?
- Do you think I'm sexy? - No.
- It's okay if you do. You think I'm sexy? - I don't.
No. I think you think you're sexy. That's the point I'm making.
- You think I think I'm sexy? - Yes.
- ##["Bennie And The Jets"On Jukebox] - [Sighs]
- Great song. - I love this song.
[With Jukebox] # Hey, kids shake it loose-- a lemon #
[Gibberish] # Gotta make a feather #
- Those are not the words. - Those are exactly the words.
Sorry, lyric police. What are the words?
[With Jukebox] #You're gonna hear a handsome music #
# So the walrus sounds #
"Walrus sounds"?
- # Say, Penny's no longer in a cement jet # - You're scaring me.
# Ooh, but you're so laced down #
[Together] # Buh, buh, buh, buh Bennie and the Jets #
# Ooh, in the wind and the waterfall #
# Oh, baby, she's a "revocaine" #
- # She's got electric boobs # - Boobs?
- #And mohair shoes # - #You know I read it in a magazine #
# Oh-ho #
- I love this song. - #B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets #
## [Humming]
[Jukebox] #She's got electric boots a mohair suit #
# You know I read it in a magazine #
#Oh-ho #
#B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets #
[Cheering]
- # Bennie # - # Bennie #
- #Bennie #
- # Bennie # - # Bennie #
# Bennie and the Jets #
[Cheering]
These guys are rockin'!
That was cool!
[Cheering]
Whoa!
I cried like a baby at the Keller wedding.
##[Fading]
Mmm.
[Rain Falling]
Mmm.
- [Jane Squeals] - [Horn Honks]
[Both Laughing]
- [Exhales] - Morning, sunshine.
- Hi. - Here you go.
- Thank you. Mmm. - Tow truck's on its way.
Okay.
I just want you to know-- Well, you know, I never do this.
- Oh, I know. - No, really. Never. I never do this.
Really, I know. Last night, you kept saying it, over and over again.
"I never do this. I never do this. I never do this.
- I never do this. I never--" - Okay.
I just wanted you to know.
[Whistles] Ah.
- [Kevin] No. - [Jane] No, I do. It's true.
- Here's your order. - Thank you.
- Anything else? - No, thank you.
- [Sighs] - H-H-Hey! It's "Bennie and the Jets."
Re-- # B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets #
[Humming] #Bennie ##
- You guys-- Oh. That was awesome. - Oh, thanks.
- All right. I'll see you later. - Okay.
Oh, my God. I sang "Bennie and the Jets" last night, didn't I?
Mm-hmm. Very loudly.
And, might I say, you were a little pitchy.
- I'm sorry. Me? What about you? - Yes.
- You hit notes only dogs can hear. - What?
- Truly. Truly high-pitched. - No. I was in key, a-at least though, right?
My God. You're that girl.
Yeah, I'm Bennie. He's the Jets.
Hey, it's the girl from the paper.
What paper?
Shit.
[Jane] "Always, Always, Always a Bridesmaid by Malcolm Doyle"?
- What is this? - [Sighs]
Jane--
- Oh, my God! - Let me--
- Let me explain. - Oh, my God.
Jane--
Jane!
Look, I told my editor not to run it.
Nobody reads that section anyway.
Come on. Will you please just-
What the hell happened? You said you were gonna hold it.
Well, you don't make those decisions. I do.
Oh, God. I didn't even get a chance to tell her it was running. She was ambushed.
Hey, I gave you 24 inches in the Sunday paper.
The only thing you should be saying to me right now is "I love you."
- Oh! How could you let this happen to me? - What?
"If Jane is the prototypical, accommodating bridesmaid...
"then her sister, Tess, is cast as the overbearing, overindulged bride-to-be...
"who at any moment, one worries, might start stomping around Manhattan...
breathing fire and swatting planes from the sky."
I had no idea he was writing an article about me.
You? He called me "Bridezilla" in the New York Frickin' Journal!
I could tear him apart, I swear. I could tear him apart limb from limb.
- [Phone Ringing] - [Grunts]
- What? - Can I speak to Jane, please?
[Grunts] The only person that you're gonna be speaking to is my attorney!
And I don't even have an attorney, but I'm sure gonna get one!
Asshole!
[Grunts] I gotta get outta here.
Oh, but you better alert Traffic Control...
because Bridezilla's on the loose!
Kevin-- Kevin--
Kevin, stop calling me!
[Sighs]
Before you say anything, can you just not say anything?
I don't understand.
To what are you referring?
Oh, come on. It's no big deal.
It's just an article... on the front page of the section...
with a million pictures of you on it.
- Who's upset? - [George] Jane.
Let me just explain. I had no idea what he was writing.
- I would-- -Jane, the guy was a jerk. Okay? He took advantage of you.
- Don't worry about it. - I know. I just-- I feel like I should've seen it coming.
- I'm so sorry. - Would you please stop apologizing?
The only reason I called you in here was to make sure that you're okay.
Oh. Well, I've been better.
[Chuckles]
I'm just trying to get through it.
Look. I wouldn't worry about it, all right?
- Does anybody read that section anyhow? - No.
- So after we hem it, I wouldn't-- - [Doorbell Rings]
-Jane, is that you? - Yep.
- We'll talk about it after. Hi. - Hi.
- Hi, Sue. - Hi.
So, listen. I've been doing a lot of thinking about the article fiasco...
and I've decided to forgive you.
- Mmm. - You're just very trusting...
- and it's not your fault, I guess. - Mm-kay.
That's very big of you, Tess. Thank you.
Wait. Are you checking me off your list?
Um, about the slide show, I know exactly what I want you to say.
So I wrote out a script. And Dad says that you have all the family photos.
- Yep. Mm-hmm. - So I'm gonna send you George's as well.
Um, here. Please say this and only this.
- 'Cause we don't want to be embarrassed again. - Okay. You got it.
[Gasps] Here it is.
- Step in. - Okay.
- Yep. - There you go.
- It's beautiful. - You might have to unbutton that back.
- One second. - Okay.
Perfect. So what do you think?
I-- I thought you were wearing Mom's dress.
It is Mom's dress. Well, parts of it.
It was just so old-fashioned,you know? So we could just use a few pieces here and there.
- Parts? - Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Like this, and the lace.
You cut up Mom's wedding dress?
[Scoffs] Well, technically Mary-Ella did.
But don't worry. We saved you the rest.
And, I mean, if you want,you can wear this...
as long as a silhouette's still in fashion.
Mary-Ella, I think just the bottom needs to be hemmed a little bit.
No. No, no, no, no.
No!
Okay, fine. You don't have to wear it.
God, you don't care. You don't care about anyone but yourself, do you?
I have made excuses for you because Mom died when you were little. But enough is enough!
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I can't undo what you've just done. But I won't let you hurt George.
He thinks he knows the truth about you, but all he knows are the lies you've told him.
You even had Pedro keep a secret from George.
You tell him the truth right now!
He is not one of your Eurotrash boyfriends, Tess. He is a good person.
And you cannot start a relationship based on lies.
Oh, really,Jane? And you know this because of all your successful relationships?
You tell him the truth, or I will.
No, you won't. You wouldn't hurt a fly. And you definitely wouldn't hurt me.
- I'm your sister. - That was yesterday.
Today you're just some bitch who broke my heart and cut up my mother's wedding dress.
Well, it wouldn't have fit you anyway.
Oh,Jane. You look wonderful.
Good for you.
Oh, honey, it must be so hard to watch your younger sister get married before you.
Yes. Yes, it is.
But then I remember that I still get to have hot hate sex with random strangers...
and I feel so much better.
Enjoy the party.
Whoo! You clean up good. I might even be into you.
- Okay. It's on the desktop under "Tess and George." - Okay.
- You okay? - Yep.
That's not water. Okay.
Hi.
-Jane, thank you so much for doing all this. It's great. - Sure.
- Hors d'oeuvre? - Yeah. Oh, look. Pigs in a blanket.
- Want one, Tess? - No. I don't eat that stuff,Jane.
Right. That's right. Got it.
[Chuckles]
Well, I'm gonna go do the slide show.
-Jane. - Mmm?
You're only gonna say what I wrote, right?
Of course. The perfect bridesmaid always does what she's asked.
- Not getting cold feet, are you? - [Chuckles]
- What was that? - With this one? Never.
[Glass Clinking]
[Jane] Hey, everybody.
In case you haven't already read...
I have been to my fair share of weddings.
[Laughing]
So, to start things off...
I thought you should all know the truth about Tess and George.
[Clears Throat] "Tess and George are a perfect couple.
"No, a divine couple.
"A couple whose love is the stuff of myths.
"Their compatibility is so exact...
"that it can only be described as having been designed by the gods.
- [Chuckling] - Since a picture is worth a thousand words...
I put together a slide show so you can all see for yourselves.
##[Pop]
"From the very beginning, Tess and George were destined for each other.
[Crowd Chuckling]
"George and Tess have always shared a love of God's furry creatures.
[Crowd Murmuring, Laughing]
"As they grew up, they both shared the same level of dedication and commitment...
"to their education.
[Crowd Gasping, Laughing]
- Nice. - "And civic responsibility.
- #So happy together # - [Woman] Oh, my.
"He was interested in international affairs.
"And so was she.
[Man] Whoa.
"And today, Tess and George still share the same values.
#Me and you and you and me #
"Their love is based on a deep understanding...
"and acceptance of who the other person really is.
#So happy together #
#Bah, bah, bah, bah #
"The love of two true soul mates...
"Tess and George.
##[Fades]
[Man Clears Throat]
So here's to the most perfect couple brought together by destiny.
I'm so proud of you, Baby Sister.
Okay. Okay.
All right. Well, that was--
Yeah. So, um...
to keep the merriment going, um, George's "little brother" Pedro...
wanted to say a few words.
- Pedro. - [Clears Throat]
- So, safe to say you're not a vegetarian. - [Applause]
George, that was taken a really long time ago.
Why exactly were you wearing your engagement ring then?
[Pedro] Thank you.
As all you know, George is my big brother.
But he's more than that.
- He's my best friend. - [Crowd Murmuring]
And now George has Tess, who's- who's really-really, really cool...
'cause she's gonna help me start my own cleaning business.
Oh. Tess told me not to tell you, George.
But I'm so excited.
So I'm only doing George's place right now.
But if anyone is in the market for a really good cleaning service...
please see me in the lobby.
Thank you.
- That's great. - No, it's-- it's not. George.
George, wait, please. Let me explain.
So what happened?
- He needed to know the truth. - You could've told him face-to-face.
I mean, I know that my moral compass doesn't exactly point due north...
but if I say something's wrong, something's wrong.
You're the one who is always telling me to stand up for myself.
Yeah. But that's not what you did.
What you did was unleash 20 years of repressed feelings in one night.
It was entertaining-- don't get me wrong--
but if it was the right thing to do, you'd feel better right now.
Do you feel better right now?
The wedding's off. I hope you're happy.
[Sighs]
Oh, God. What?
Why are you here?
- You wouldn't return my phone calls. - What do you want?
You want another picture for your paper?
-Jane, I'm sorry. Believe me. - Please. You used me to get ahead in your career.
Be a man and admit it. Or-- Or don't.
But please, please don't pretend that you give a shit.
- Will you just please let me explain? - No, it doesn't matter.
I just destroyed my life, and I didn't need your help to do it.
Great! Finally.
I saw what you did in there. And you know what? I thought it was amazing.
Was it absolutely, certifiably nuts? Yes, it was. But you did something,Jane.
- For the first time,you were not just the perfect bridesmaid. - Stop.Just please.
I'm not doing this with you again. I don't even know why I'm standing here talking to you.
You know what? Let me tell you. Look. Come here. Listen to me.
[Sighs] Do you want to know the real reason why I came here tonight?
Because I knew this was gonna be hard for you.
And for the first time in a really long time, I wanted to be there for somebody. Yeah.
All right. I messed up. I did. I'm sorry.
And I'm gonna turn around, I'm gonna walk away. I'm gonna vanish.
You'll never see me again, I promise.
But I want you to know that I think you deserve--
I think you deserve more than what you've settled for.
I do. I think you deserve to be taken care of for a change.
I-- I believe that.
Ah.
I forgot to give you this.
It's a gift...
so you don't have to carry around that crazy Filofax from 1987.
This will take care of all the stuff you need to do.
Perfect for starting over.
Okay. Will you take it, please, so I don't feel like such a jerk?
[Man] #Don't let your mind get weary and confused #
# Your will be still Don't try #
#Don't let your heart get heavy, child, inside you #
# There's a strength that lies #
The story got a phenomenal response.
- [Chuckles] - Looks like you got yourself bumped from Commitments.
That's great. [Chuckles]
Kevin, be happy.
You got what you wanted, right?
#Don't let your soul get lonely, child #
#It's only time it will go by ##
All I'm saying is you two are sisters.
- You have got to work this out. - I'm telling you, she doesn't want to talk.
No, no. She loves you. Everything is gonna be fine.
- Okay. If you just-- - Dad?
[Sighs]
What the hell is she doing here?
Tess, this is between you and her.
I'm out of this.
You know, Flo, have you seen the new weed whackers we've got out front?
- The latest model. - [Door Closes]
I feel terrible.
- I'm so sorry for what happened-- - Sorry?
You humiliated me in front of every single person that I know...
and you think you could just say sorry?
- I-I know. But-- - Jane,you were always jealous of me.
- What? - Always! My clothes! My boyfriends!
- Stop it! - You've just been waiting for the chance to tear me down.
- That's not true. - Yes, it is!
- Ow! - And you took the one thing that was finally working out.
Oh, please! This is so typical, Tess.
You're not taking any responsibility for the fact that you lied to George.
You manipulated him. Put down the bug spray.
- Put down the bug spray, Tess! - [Squeals]
Did you even love him? Or was it just convenient?
Oh, please,Jane. Get off your high horse.
Just admit it. You resent me...
because you're the one who always had to braid my hair...
and make my Halloween outfits and go shopping for my prom dress.
- No, I have never resented any of that. - Yes, you have.
- You always thought that my life was so easy. - It was!
It is! You have never had a care in the world.
You're beautiful and fun and charming.
- Your life is perfect. - Perfect? Are you crazy?
You have no idea.
You want to know the real reason why I decided to stay in New York?
I got fired from my job.
And to top it off, Rudolfo dumped me.
He dumped me.
And then George came along, and he was nice to me.
And he treated me well, you know?
And I just wanted to be someone that he wanted.
I was trying to be someone who deserved him...
someone he could respect.
I was trying to be you.
Why?
Why would you want to be me when you get to be you?
- [Sighs] This is a mess. - I know.
Jane, you've been trying to take care of me ever since Mom died.
- I had to. - No, you didn't have to.
- But-- But if I don't then-- - But if you don't...
then you'll just be my sister, which is what it should be.
Maybe when I was young you needed to help me out. But now?
You gotta stop taking care of me...
of everybody.
[Faucet Turns On, Off]
##[Alternative]
[Phone Ringing]
Hello? Hi.
Yeah.
Yeah. It's no problem. No, of course.
Yeah, I'll be right there. Okay. Okay, bye.
[Beeps]
##[Fades]
Wow. [Chuckles]
You look-- You look great.
So I guess you did need to find me a date for this benefit after all.
I guess so.
George, before we go anywhere, I just want to apologize for last night.
I shouldn't have done what I did.
Look, you did me a favor.
All right, it's not your fault I was about to marry someone I barely knew.
I mean, what the hell was I thinking, right?
- So what do you say we forget the whole thing? - Okay. If you're sure.
I'm sure. Now, I hate to ask you for another favor...
but I need to print up my speech for tonight, and I cannot find the file.
Oh, yeah. I can get it.
[Sighs] Jane, I am so thankful that I could call you tonight.
I can always count on you. You never say no.
Which I love. [Chuckles]
What?
Well, I-- I just meant--
I'm sorry. Did I-- Did I say something wrong?
[Sighs]
Oh, God.
George, I quit.
Yeah.
- I quit. - What do you mean, you quit?
When I came here after college, I was blown away by this company and by you.
And I got so caught up in the job that I never bothered to get my own life.
I think I got too comfortable to leave.
Then I had to be here every day to see you because I was so madly in love with you.
[Nervous Chuckle]
Yeah. [Chuckling] Horrible.
Crazy-- Crazy crush. Crazy.
But you'll be fine, George.
You will. You'll get somebody in this position...
who will stay for two years max, because that's what's acceptable and appropriate for this--
I-- I'm sorry. Really sorry.
- I don't know. It just kind of, like, all of a sudden. - No. It's okay.
I've always wanted to know what that would feel like.
And?
- Nothin'. I didn't feel a thing. - Ouch.
- That hurts. - [Both Chuckling]
- May-Maybe we can give it another try. Okay. - Yeah. Okay.
Nope. Not even a blip. You?
Mmm. If I'm being honest, not really.
Yeah. That's not what it's supposed to feel like.
When you're with the person you're meant to be with...
- it should feel like-- - ##[Electronic Gadget.: "Bennie And The Jets"]
Wait. What is that?
## [Continues]
I gotta go.
[Man] How many sick days do you think we can really take without getting in trouble?
If we took four in a row, we could take a whole week off and go down to, like, Cancun.
Excuse me. Hello?
Do you know where Kev-- um, Malcolm-- Malcolm Doyle is?
Yeah. He's covering his last wedding.
H-Hey. You're the girl from the article. You're famous.
Yeah.
Taxi?
Pier 17.
- Oh, my God. - [Chuckles]
Only got one dress tonight, Ziggy. So just go.
- Oh, come on! Oh, c-- Oh. - Just go!
- Good luck! - Thanks, Ziggy.
- Where's the wedding? Okay. - Straight down to the end.
##[Big Band]
Oh, good. Well, I got it. Thank you very much.
- Mm-hmm. You're welcome. - Appreciate it.
[Ship Horn Blowing]
[Man] Hey, pull it back!
All clear!
Huh.
- [Thuds] - [Gasps]
- Are you all right? - I'm fine.
- [Woman] You okay? - I'm fine. Really.
It's all good.
Oh, my God. No way! No freaking way!
You're the girl from the article.
What--What are you doing here?
Um, well-- Okay.
Long story short. There's this guy.
- Oh! Okay. Tell me more. Tell me more. - Um--
[Jane On P.A.] Kevin?
- Kevin Doyle? - [Microphone Feeding Back]
Oh, my God.
There he is. There he is.
[Jane] Um-[Nervous Chuckle] hi.
Uh-[Nervous Chuckle] Um-
- Come on. You can do it. Say it. - Okay.
Uh, I just wanted to say...
that you were right about me, about all of it.
I just didn't want to hear it, especially not from you.
Uh- [Nervous Chuckle] Um-
Can we get a follow spot?
[Jane] Ah. [Nervous Chuckle] There you are.
Um, okay.
Uh, Kevin, I've been waiting my whole life for the right guy to come along...
and then you showed up.
And you are nothing like the man I imagined.
You're cynical...
and cranky and impossible.
But the truth is, fighting with you...
is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
And I think there's a very good chance that I'm falling in love with you.
[Crowd Gasping, Murmuring]
So... that's it. [Nervous Chuckle]
That's all I had to say. So... I'll go now.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Yeah. [Nervous Chuckle]
Kevin, I just really, um--
[Chuckles]
Get over here.
[Applauding]
[Woman] #I wonder why it is #
#I don't argue like this #
# With anyone but you #
#I wonder why it is #
#I won't let my guard down #
#For anyone but you ##
So-- [Chuckles] Tell me, what do you think makes this wedding special?
- Who are you? - I write the Commitments column for the Journal.
- Maybe I could buy you a drink later. - It's an open bar.
- Maybe I'll buy you a drink. - Yes!
- Hi. - Thank you.
God, look at how hot Tess looks.
Think she'd go for me? I am a year older.
I don't know. I'll put in the good word for you, big guy. All right?
- Hello. - Hi.
Um, I'm the maid of honor.
I, um, live in Williamsburg with a roommate...
and I just started designing my own line of deeply fabulous handbags.
And I'm completely broke. But that's okay.
I eat a hamburger a day, and my idea of a pet is a rock.
- Well, it's very nice to meet you. - Tess.
Tess. Got it.
Well, wait until you see the bride. She looks gorgeous.
Ready?
- [Sighs] - Everything's perfect.
And this dress-- the best thing is I can shorten it and wear it again.
Definitely. So true.
All right.
- Okay. - Okay.
Okay. Ready?
Yes.
[Jane Narrating] That day, I woke up and put on my 28th dress.
I went to a wedding where no one asked me to hold the bouquet...
fold a place card or hold their dress while they peed.
Everything was perfect. And I didn't care...
because right then, the only thing that mattered...
was the person waiting for me at the end of the aisle.
And he was looking at me the way I'd always hoped.
So is this moment everything you hoped for?
No.
It's more. It's much more.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
to join Jane Nichols and Kevin Doyle in holy matrimony.
Marriage is a cause for celebration. [Continues, Indistinct]
[Jane Narrating] It turns out I was right about one thing.
I knew they'd all be there for me someday.
[Women] #Now I really see Love #
##[Woman Vocalizing]
#Has fallen on me #
#Oh, what tender love you bring #
- #Love # - #No, it's not a game #
#Has fallen on me #
#Oh, what tender love you bring #
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
- [Applauding] - #Hey #
# What tender love you bring #
#I fell in love with you #
#Fell in love with you #
#One day in September #
#Love came tumbling down on me #
#One day in September #
#Love came tumbling down on me #
#One day in September #
#Love came tumbling down on me #
#One day in September #
#Love came tumbling down on me #
#Love is a burning inside #
#I've never had this feeling before, no #
#All I know is that it won't let me be myself #
#Hey #
#Is this really love #
#Oh, maybe that's the reason I feel so good #
# When you're around #
#Feel so good when you're around #
# Why can't I remember #
# The day I melted before your charms #
#Oh, was it way back in September #
# When you held me in your arms #
#Now that I see that you're the one for me #
#It's no more a mystery #
#Love has fallen down on me #
#Ooh, I'm in love with you #
#Love #
#Has fallen on me #
- #Now I really see Love # - #Mmm #
#Has fallen on me #
#Ooh, what tender love you bring #
#Love #
#Has fallen on me #
#And I can't believe my eyes #
- #Love # - #One day in September #
#Has fallen on me #
#Oh, oh, oh Love came fallin' all around #
#I fell in love with you #
#Fell in love with #
- #Ooh # - #One day in September #
#Love came falling down on me #
#One day in September #
#Love came falling down on me #
#One day in September #
#Love came falling down on me #
#One day in September #
#Love came falling down on me #
#One day in September #
#Love came falling down on me #
#One day in September #
#Love came falling down on me #
#One day in September #
#Love came falling down on me #
#One day in September #
#Love came falling down on me #
#One day in September #
#Love came falling down on me #
#One day in September #
#Love came falling down on me ##