Right after the break, we're going to interview David Kern,
who climbed the highest mountain in the world, Mount Everest,
but he's gate... I mean, he's gay.
Excuse me. He's blind.
More teens are having fuck... Having luck, rather.
One way to do a turkey call is with this gobbler...
[ Imitates Turkey ] that allows the air to vibrate. You should try it.
I'd love to. Go ahead. I want to see this.
No, no.
That just wasn't right.
It's a beautiful Memorial Day.
We have people out here sunbathing.
We have people tossing the ball around.
And we really want to advise that you guys try to make it...
I'm a bird, bitch! A safe Memorial Day.
Okay, dude. Goddamn it, man!
Well, I'm sure you needed it, Annie.
Did you get many spankings as a kid?
As a kid? No. I... Oh! [ Laughs ]
Whoa. [ Laughs ] Wait a minute.
Susenko Energy is announcing a proposal to jack off...
What is your comment on the results of the proceedings?
What really happened on that Thursday here at Central High...
that led to Tim Johnson's de... [ Gags ]
What the fuck was that? Shit!
God, I'm dying in this fuckin' country-ass, fucked-up town.
It looks like Reuben is in the lead, and here comes...
No! No! Aaah! [ Groans ]
An infestation of Canadian Brown Finches, which is a small bird...
[ Chuckles ] I guess I should have seen that one coming, huh?
[ Laughter ] [ Gagging ]
[ Man ] We now send it over to Meghan Miles. Meghan?
Hey, Joe, I'm here at the A.S.P.C.A., where I'm... [ Yowls ]
I think she is. Meghan, are you okay?
Okay, Meghan... We'll get a medic over to her.
Yeah.
[ Bell Dings ] Thank you so much for coming with me.
You're my girl. Team. Right. Team.
They're not going to bring up the cat thing, right?
That was 100 years ago. No one looks at those YouTube things anymore.
Yeah, right. Relax, Meghan.
Relax? Ooh. It's the network.
It's a big step up from local, but you are ready. Oh, I'm ready.
Just be yourself. No, I'm going to be exactly what they want me to be.
"Anchor."
It is both a noun and a verb.
A reliable or principal support,
but in action, it means to hold fast.
Hmm. Mmm.
I believe I can do that for your viewers...
be the center, and hold them... steady.
Tell us more about yourself.
Well, I was raised in Texas.
I studied journalism at the University of Texas.
I love to read. I'm a voracious reader.
Mostly historical fiction.
Have you read Toni Morrison's Beloved?
- Of course. - Good answer.
My role models include my parents, which I know is corny,
but they've been married 35 years...
and, um, I am recently engaged.
We like that. We'll have a decision in two weeks.
There isn't any... dirt in your past that we should know about?
Skeletons?
Bones of any kind?
I'm a good girl.
[ Man ] Morning, Meghan Miles.
Be well. Good day. Good day.
[ Man ] Hey, looking good, Chuck Rogers.
[ Woman ] Five minutes to air, people.
I just spoke to my source inside the network. And?
Its down to you and Wendy Chang. [ Gasps ]
The decision should come down today.
Don't be nervous. Don't be nervous?
You shouldn't have told me. Breathe.
[ Moans ]
[ Screeches ] [ Man Screeches ]
Oh, gosh, hang on. [ Cell Phone Chimes ]
[ Sighs ] This is Meghan Miles.
Meghan, you dirty hooker.
Rosie, stop. I'm about to go on air. Okay, good.
But be advised that we are going out tonight to celebrate.
Honey, I didn't get the job yet.
- Minor detail. - I don't know.
It's been a really long week.
Don't be a cock-blocker.
Repeat after me: "I will not block the cock."
[ Phone Beeps ] You know what? Hang on. I have another call.
It could be the network.
This is Meghan Miles. [ Woman ] Meg, honey.
- Hey, Mama. - We just saw your last newscast.
You did such a good job.
Although that outfit was a little revealing by about a button.
[ Gasps ] Really?
I've been telling wardrobe to watch out for it.
Thank you for the feedback. Well, we love you.
Say hi to Kyle. I love you too.
Talk soon. [ Clicks ]
Fine. I will not block the cock.
- Still me, hon. - [ Gasps ]
I'm so sorry, Mama.
[ Man ] This is KZLA Live at 5:00 Eyewitness News.
[ Faint ]
- With Jane Rain, weather. - Camera one.
Ready, Chuck? Let's do this.
Chuck Rogers, sports.
And Chopper Steve, traffic.
Will you stop it? My mother's gonna kill me.
Good evening, Los Angeles. I'm Meghan Miles.
Our top story:
The day is upon us.
A traffic nightmare of biblical proportions.
What some are calling "Carpocalypse Now."
Portions of the 10 Freeway will be closed for construction
during this coming weekend.
For more, let's go to our own Chopper Steve.
Chopper Steve, can you tell us what it's like up there?
Oh. Doing great. Fantastic.
[ Meghan ] Chopper Steve, are you texting?
Who's gonna pull me over up here? [ Chuckles ]
It's sailing pretty smoothly down there right now,
but we're warning drivers about massive congestion this weekend.
So you're saying they should steer clear.
Oh, steer clear. [ Laughs ]
I got that one, Meghan Miles.
Thanks, Chopper Steve. We'll check back with you in the 6:00 hour.
Check back? What? Did my check bounce?
Aw. Sorry.
[ Chuckling ] Okay. Bye now, Chopper Steve.
Fly safe.
Real smooth, Chopper Steve. Fuckin' loser.
I should just crash this thing into the Hollywood sign,
end it all. We can still hear you. Your mike is on.
- Live mike. - [ Gasps ] Copy that.
For continuing updates on the Carpocalypse,
stay with KZLA for all your news needs.
The Ventura County Italian-American Club did a great job,
but don't call Mr. Guinness just yet.
It turns out the world's largest meatball resides in Genoa, Italy.
Stay tuned for more KZLA coverage on Carpocalypse,
and find out what simple household item may just be fatal.
I'm Meghan Miles. Be well.
And we're clear.
Great.
Chopper Steve... Is he on his meds?
[ Man ] Short answer, no.
Did anybody call? Did you get any e-mails?
No. No. Calm down. Any text messages I need to know about?
Calm down. I'm going to hear from them,
and I'll call you at home.
[ Woman ] I can't wait to get my drink on.
And get my dance on. And...
Just those two things. Denise.
What?
Meghan.
Meghan! Meghan Miles.
Either she's not home or she's ignoring us.
Or she's incapacitated, tied up...
or maybe she had a stroke or a seizure or something.
Denise, this is Brentwood. Nothing bad ever happens in Brent...
Oh, my God, O.J. Simpson. I just remembered that. Yeah.
[ Rosie ] Meghan! It's open.
Honey, you are not back on the farm in Texas.
You cannot just leave your door unlocked.
Hey, party girls. What's up?
What do you want to drink?
I have tap water. Wait.
Wait, what's going on? Where's Kyle?
He's at the supermarket.
And, um, where's all your stuff?
Oh. Um...
Kyle took it all to the supermarket.
The supermercado.
He's gone.
He, um...
He said he didn't know who I was anymore,
and then he left and he took everything.
That's so weird. When is he coming back?
Why did you not tell us?
I don't know. I'm sorry.
Rosie, I just... [ Sobs ]
Yeah, but, honey, we're your friends. We're not gonna judge you.
[ Cell Phone Chimes ] Hang on. It's Dan.
Meghan, don't freak out, but they're going with Wendy Chang.
[ Cell Phone Clatters ] Meghan, are you okay?
Chang!
This is such a terrible time for Kyle to not be here.
Denise, shut up.
They gave it to Wendy Chang.
She's an anchor in San Francisco.
There you go, honey. That's a diversity hire.
Asian. What can you do about that?
She's not even Asian.
She's adopted. She has red fucking hair.
[ Gasps ] I'm sorry. That was mean.
Good for her. No.
Screw Chang. You are the best.
Yeah. No one reads the news like you, Meghan.
We're going to sit down and come up with a plan to fix your life.
Okay, guys, no more pity party. It's fine.
So go. I'll be fine. I'm just gonna stay here and catch up on Idol.
No! We're not gonna leave you here.
You don't even have your dog.
Technically, it was Kyle's dog.
Who cares? Forget it. Get a cat.
[ Denise ] Ew. That's gross. Cats hate me. You know that.
People say cats are clean, but they're really filthy.
I am sorry, okay? Whatever.
You're gonna meet some young, stupid, hot guy,
and you're gonna take all your anger and your aggression out on his penis.
I don't know. I don't do that with penises.
I'm more of a relationship type of girl.
We're taking you out. Come on. Let's go.
[ Sighs ] Fine, but I'm wearing these sweatpants.
No. You're gonna wear something slutty, like Denise.
I don't own anything slutty like Denise.
Denise, give Meghan your dress.
- But... - No buts.
You can wear one of her pantsuits.
Ew. Ew.
♪ [ Dance ] [ Chattering, Laughing ]
Why is it so loud in here?
Isn't it great? This is what you need.
Shots time. Already?
Yup, that's right. Throw it back.
Unless you're too soft.
Yeah.
Whoa, whoo!
Yeah, the other two were for us.
I guess we're gonna need three more.
This is good. Three more. Three more.
How about something different? To match your dress.
Thanks. Fancy.
[ Meghan ] Looking at us?
Oh, my God.
What do you do? Act bitchy? Yeah. Bitchy.
Boo. Ooh. [ Giggles ]
[ Man ] Sunshine.
You want to join me and my boys for some drinks?
Will the drinks be alcoholic?
More tequila? That's what that is.
Wow, your friend's quite the party girl, huh?
Tonight she is.
Let's make a toast to these girls, huh, boys?
Yes. My dad made a toast at my fifth grade graduation,
- and I kept it in my memory... - Keep it there.
[ Man ] Cheers! [ Cheering ]
I love my daddy.
♪ [ Dance ]
Kyle sucks.
Can I just get one of these buckets?
Thank you so much. Excuse me.
Go get a cab. Let's get rid of this.
All good. Let's rally. Let's rally!
You want to get out of here? Absolutely. You stay here.
No, no. Where are you going? I got to go for a wee-wee.
♪ [ Continues ] Excuse me.
Oh.
[ Gasps ]
Oh. This is high.
Uh... Hello? There's no handle.
Hello?
[ Grunts ]
[ Mutters, Laughs ]
[ Laughing ]
Hi. Oh, hi.
Whatcha you doing up there?
I'm just looking for the bathroom.
Are you stuck?
[ Laughs ] How dare you, sir.
[ Slurring ] Don't you know it is rude to ask if a lady is stuck?
Oh.
Yes, I am stuck.
And I'm a little drunk. I should tell you that. All right.
Nothing wrong with that.
Stay stuck for a second. Whoa!
That won't be hard. I can't move.
Breaking news, 2:00 a.m. Girl stuck on balcony.
Hi. Hi.
- Huh. Oh! - What do you think?
Wow. This is a mess. Bit of a situation.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
If we could just find a way to get this shoe off.
What a puzzle. All right.
Well, we got a strap coming around here.
Wait. Oh, my God!
What? There's a whole other strap.
- [ Gasps ] - Which one?
Left? Right? You need to stay calm.
- What's your name? - Meghan.
- Meghan, where you from? - Texas.
Texas. I like Texas.
Hurry! The timer is reading five seconds.
All right. Stay with me, Meghan.
- Four, three, two... - Here we go.
Aaah!
Are we alive? I think so.
[ Chuckles ]
You're a hero. Thank you.
[ Laughs ] Should we get down?
You can do it. I'm right behind you. Okay.
So, are you trying to escape?
French exit? Yeah, I think I was.
[ Laughs ]
I just sort of had my fill of the lecherous males... and the...
I don't know. I don't really do this very much,
and so I just felt this wave of depression coming over me...
Here. and I thought I should probably...
It's cold. It is cold.
Anyway. Rosie.
[ Rosie ] What?
She says she's leaving.
I should get my car.
Um... I should go.
Your car? No, no.
I don't think you should be driving.
Why don't we get you a cab?
Let's find a cab for you. No, I really want my car.
You don't think I can drive? Uh...
Come here. Sobriety test.
Smell that meat. [ Sniffs ]
Oh, my God. That smells so good.
You're so drunk. That's not even meat.
Screw you, cracker. It's meat.
All right, why don't I drive you home in your car,
and then I'll take a cab home from there?
How about that? No, you don't have to leave work.
No, no. It's fine. I'm not just a bartender.
I got other things going on. [ Chuckles ]
You got a day job?
I am a writer of books.
What kind of books?
Uh, sort of post-modern romantic fiction.
That is my favorite genre.
Are you messing with me? No. It's really cool.
I'm a journalist. I've done some... I don't know.
I don't write anything, really.
I thought I would, but I mostly just read.
I read the news. I don't know.
Anyway, so what does a post-modern romantic writer do all day?
Find beauty and praise it. Wow.
That is the opposite of what I do, I think.
All right, let's go. I'm getting you home safe.
Where do you live?
Okay, you're getting on my level. You like the dark stuff.
Okay, hands like this.
Shotgun poetry. All right, get ready.
"Hark! 'Tis an elfin-storm from faery land,
of haggard seeming, but a boon indeed.
I have a home for thee." I win!
Let's take our clothes off. [ Slurring ] I'd like to go to the judges on that one.
Okay. Judges? Where are you, judges?
[ Chuckles ]
Okay. It's a girl. All right. It's a girl.
Ooh! What is in there?
♪ I only know two chords ♪
Do you trust me? Yeah, I do.
You trust me? I do.
I don't. I don't. No, no!
- [ Groans ] - Yes!
Oh, fuck. Don't mess with Texas.
Dress down. Down.
Oh. I'm hungry.
Okay. What is this?
What is this little table thing?
Put that one down and get another one.
I want to do Lady and the Tramp. This is the best.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
[ Muttering ]
Let me see. Don't be shy. [ Exclaims ]
[ Gasps ] Yes!
Yellow's your color.
[ Meghan Squeals ]
[ Beeping, Faint ]
[ Clanking, Faint ]
[ Murmurs ]
[ Dog Barking, Faint ]
[ Groans ]
[ Man Grunts ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Groans ]
[ Groaning ] Oh, God.
[ Sighs ]
Okay, where's my phone?
My purse. My phone.
[ Beeping ]
[ Line Ringing ]
[ Meghan's Voice ] Hi. You've reached Meghan. Please leave a message.
And be well. [ Beeps ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Recording: Woman's Voice ] You have four new messages.
Message one sent yesterday at 6:05 p.m.
[ Rosie's Voice ] Meghan! Put down your knitting.
We're on our... [ Beeps ]
Meg, honey, it's Mom.
We just... [ Beeps ]
Meghan, it's Dan. Are you sitting down?
Chang is out. She didn't vet.
They found some raunchy twit-pics of her and another girl.
She's way too risky for CNB.
Looks like they're pivoting back to you.
[ Gasps ] You're the safe bet.
All that steadiness shit is going to pay off.
Now listen, they want to watch you work, have a final follow up...
"look you in the eye" sort of thing...
so they're coming to the newscast tomorrow.
So get some rest tonight.
Come in fresh and ready to kill it.
This could be very good.
Oh. [ Beeps ]
Ohhh.
[ Moans ]
[ Snarls ] [ Gasps ]
No. I hate cats.
Don't you do anything.
[ Growling ]
Mmm. Mmm.
No, no, no. No, no, no, no.
[ Growling Continues ]
[ Groans ]
[ Cat Growls ]
[ Growling ] You were in the box.
[ Screeching ]
Shoes, shoes, shoes. Where's my... Where are my keys?
I hate cats!
[ Panting ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Exhales ]
Okay.
Okay. All right.
[ Sighs ]
Okay.
Where is my car?
Oh, wait. He drove.
We kissed, and then I fumbled for some Tic Tacs.
[ Gasps ]
[ Groaning ] Oh, no.
There's no names.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait!
That's my car. Hey!
That's... That's my car.
That's my car.
That was my car.
[ Gasps ]
[ Panting ]
[ Radio Chatter, Faint ] [ Snoring ]
[ Hammer Cocks ] Aaah! Don't shoot! Don't shoot.
You sneak up, I shoot you. No, no, no, no.
I just want a ride. I'm just trying to hire you.
Oh, no, no, no. Off duty. Off duty.
No, please, sir. I will pay you...
Double. Triple.
To take me to the tow place. Mm-mmm.
Do you know where that is, the place they tow to?
Oh. Tow to?
Yes! Yes, you understand. The tow to.
Da. Da. Tow to.
Okay, great. Thank God.
You working? Yes, I work.
Very important I get to work today.
Tonight. Okay.
Great.
♪ [ Radio: Man Singing In Foreign Language ] So, here we go.
- We're going tow to. - Great. Great.
You know, I like it, your work.
You know my work?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Very nice.
Oh, well, thank you. Thank you so much. [ Chuckles ]
Yeah, I love what I do.
It gives me a lot of self-worth and really...
I don't know. I...
You have boyfriend?
Um, presently,
I do not technically have a man.
I mean, I just... I don't know.
I met someone, and... Oh, but I just left someone.
I didn't... Well, truth be told, he left me.
Actually, I don't really give a shit.
Okay. Good talk.
Ah!
Here.
Here? Where here?
- ♪ [ Hard Rock, Faint ] - Here. Tow to.
[ Groans ]
No, no.
Oh, my goodness.
No, no, no.
This is Tattoo,
and I said "tow to" as in "tow your car."
This is a funny language miscommunication.
I can't get out here because I don't nave my money.
It's in my purse, which is in my car.
Which is at the tow to place. Tow to.
You no pay, I drive you jail.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't... There's no jail.
Then you pay $23. I am not a stripper.
I'm actually a journalist...
with local Emmy nominations and a lot of connections,
so you will get paid.
You will get your money.
But right now, I really, really need you to just help me out, okay?
Do you understand?
Okay. Okay.
You give me a dance on lap. Huh?
Four song. Dance on lap, $23. Finish.
No. There's no deal. No?
Yes. I can't give you a lap dance, sir.
- Four song. - No.
- You give me three song. - No deal.
No, no, no. Okay!
You dance on lap or I take to jail.
Wait, wait, wait. You can put the gun down.
Wait. Um... Um...
- Two dances. - No, no, no. Bullshit for me.
Good deal. Yeah? [ Groans ]
Two songs. [ Stammers ] Okay. Two song.
Alanis Morissette in-in V.I.P. room.
The... Sure. The V.I.P. room.
Just unlock the door. Yeah. Okay.
Leave the gun. You can't take a gun in there.
Oh, no gun. No gun.
I get lap ready.
Come on. We...
Hey! [ Speaking Foreign Language ]
Where are you going? Come on back! We had deal.
[ Whimpering ] Hey, lady!
[ Speaking Foreign Language ]
Son of a bitch.
This is nuts. What the fuck, lady?
[ Driver Shouting ]
[ Shouting Continues ] [ Gasps ]
[ Rapid Footsteps ]
[ Footsteps Continue ] [ Gasps ]
[ Gasping, Whimpering ]
Oh, my God! [ Whimpering ]
[ Man On Headphones ] ♪ Everybody have fun tonight ♪
- Hey, wait! Wait, wait, wait! - What do you want from me?
Wait. You can help me. Hang on. You can...
Hey, hey, hey! Go away!
I need... I just... You could help... Hey!
Oh. Hey, hey. Hey, hi.
Hey.
[ Muttering ] Hi.
Hi. How you doing?
I'm not so good, actually. I could really use some help.
Yeah, I could use some help too. Oh, really? With what?
Oh, no. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. No.
I'm not a...
I'm not a hooker. [ Chuckling ] Yeah, okay.
Have a good night. No, no, no, no. Wait. You can't...
Oh! That's disgusting.
Oh, God.
This stupid dress. I am gonna murder Denise.
Oh, my God, I'm...
freezing.
- [ Woman ] Hey! - [ Gasps ]
Who the fuck are you?
Uh, I'm not a prostitute.
Excuse me? [ Woman ♪2 ] Check out Barbie over here.
Where did you guys come from? [ Woman ♪3 Speaks Spanish ]
Go on.
[ Mutters ]
Hey, hey. Excuse me. Is there any chance that you are not looking for a hooker?
[ Man ] Free agent? [ Faint ]
[ Man In Car ] Get out of here. Looks like it.
[ Chuckles ] It's ballsy.
Gotta give it to her, man. That takes a lot of balls.
Oh, no, come on, Dave. Man, it's the end of our shift.
Look, dude, I just gotta get home, get a little bit of rest.
I was gonna drive down to Long Beach.
Got this whole fishing-charter thing set up.
It's our job, Walter. No, it isn't.
Our job is to keep the hookers over there,
away from the decent people down there.
All right. All right, look.
We can issue her an official warning,
but if I see her out here again, we gotta take her in.
See? That's good police work. That's what I'm talking about.
- What's the matter, you can't hear? - I have nothing against...
uh, modern... female entrepreneurs.
[ Siren Blares ] Oh, shit.
Thank God. Oh, hallelujah!
[ Dave On Horn ] Do not approach the vehicle.
Ma'am, what you're doing is the opposite...
of not approaching the vehicle.
[ Police Radio Chatter ] I... Okay.
I can't see now.
Thank goodness you are here.
I am so happy to see you. You deaf?
[ Babbling ] This has been the longest night of my life.
Quit your babbling. This has been the...
Quit your babbling and listen.
Okay. We have you on video soliciting those cars.
What... We can haul you in right now.
No, no, no, no. I was not soliciting sex.
[ Chattering ] Ma'am, do not raise your voice at me.
Don't you raise your voice at him!
How much you had to drink tonight?
- Uh... - You smell like a distillery.
I just... I haven't been home. Neither have I.
Which is why we're gonna give you a break and let you off with a warning.
Ready? Here it is. Stay off of my streets.
- But-But... - We see you out here again, and you will go to jail.
But I didn't do anything wrong.
Really? You haven't done anything wrong?
What, are you going out to get some eggs?
Just wrapping up your paper route?
It's time to grow up.
- Now stay off my streets. - Stay off his streets.
- I can... - Sit down and think about it.
[ Dave ] Think about it. Sit down. Don't be on your knees.
Off his streets and grow the fuck up, okay?
You're not going to help me?
Aren't you supposed to help people?
I... I'm not a...
[ Mutters ] [ Woman ♪1 ] Bitch, get outta here.
[ Women Shouting ]
That sounded tough. Veteran.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, we did the right thing.
[ Woman ♪1 ] You better start running! Okay. I'm going.
I'm running. I'm running. I'm running.
[ Mewing ]
[ Bottles Clink On Floor ]
♪ [ Pop Ballad Intro ]
[ Grunts ]
Molly?
Me... Mel...
Meghan.
Meghan?
[ Woman ] ♪ You and me ♪
♪ Are too good to be ♪
♪ Too true to be ♪ [ Continues, Faint ]
[ Chopper Steve ] Good morning, Los Angeles.
Today's the big day... Carpocalypse.
It's a heck of a day for traffic.
My advice to you: Get a helicopter.
There's no traffic in the sky, I'll tell you that. Whoa!
Ha. Kidding. That was a good one.
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ What day it is ♪
♪ 'Cause I've been ♪
♪ Up all night ♪
♪ I don't know what week it is ♪
♪ 'Cause I've been ♪
♪ Up all night ♪
♪ I wanna see you I wanna see... ♪
[ Rosie's Voice ] Hey, Meghan.
I'm just calling to make sure that you got home okay,
'cause things got a little fuzzy last night.
Hey, babe. What...
What are you doing here?
I like to get up early.
Of course you do. You're like 70.
Just to clarify, what happened last night?
Everything. Everything?
- And by everything, you mean... - Everything.
- I just passed out... - Everything but that.
Listen, you got a banana or something?
I'm sorry. This was a mistake.
I thought I was taking home a really young, very cute guy.
You must mean my son.
Yeah, we get confused all the time.
Don't worry about it.
Crazy night. You can party.
Fuck.
[ Exhales ]
[ Man ♪2 ] Yeah. What you think I'm doing? I'm on the corner.
Yeah. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up.
What's up? All right, cool.
Follow that guy down there.
[ Cell Phone Ringing ]
Yeah, baby, what's up?
Sometimes I wonder.
They like the fuckin' Keystone Kops out there.
All right, later.
Sneaking up on me is a bad idea. No, no, no.
[ Stammers ] Hi. I'm not sneaking up.
I wasn't. I just... No samples.
Keep your zombie ass moving.
I-I just need a little help.
Sir.
Now, I know you can see I'm working,
and I'm sure you done worked that ass enough tonight.
You need to get on home. That's all I want to do.
And I don't want your drugs.
Excuse me? Oh. I mean... That was a terrible assumption.
I mean, I don't know if there's... I wouldn't...
Yeah, you don't know. You're right.
You need to forget what you think I'm doing.
It's already forgotten. I'm so sorry about that.
Um, I just want to borrow your phone.
Can I please make a call on your phone?
I'm pretty sure today might be the most important day of my life,
but I really need to make a call.
Please, I'm...
I am not what you think I am.
I swear.
I'm a good girl.
- [ Sirens Blaring ] - [ Gasps ]
Oh, shit. You ain't that good.
The police said if they find me again they're gonna arrest me.
For what? Being a good girl? [ Laughs ]
It was a misunderstanding... at worst.
Five-0! Five-O! Full team's coming.
Oh. You better get lost.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
What the fuck are you doing?
I'm getting lost. Get lost somewhere else.
Where? I don't know.
That's why they call that shit lost.
Bitch, why are you so fast?
I ran track in high school.
Hang on. Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hang on. Hey!
Fuckin' yellow-ass Terminator.
[ Grunts ]
I've gotta go home. What are you still doing behind me?
- Get out of here, man! - I need to get in here.
Get off me. Get away from me, bitch.
[ Chattering ]
Oh, my God. What are you doing? Just give me the phone.
You better go back out. Go back out. I can't go out there.
Go. I can't go out there.
I can't. I can't be caught out there.
Oh. What the fuck are you doing in here?
[ Stammering ] I was one of the ones runnin' from the Five-O.
- Who the fuck are you? - Yo, chill. Chill, chill.
- She with me. - Yeah. I'm with him. Yeah.
Just some dumb ho.
You fuckin' stupid? Look at this bitch.
She a undercover cop wearing what looks like a Marc Jacobs dress.
You think some raggedy-ass trick get her hands on that?
Hold the fuck up.
How the fuck you know what a fuckin' Marc "Jenkins" dress is?
Watch one episode of What Not to Wear and get back to me.
- Bitch is a cop. - Man, she a trick.
- Cop. - She's a trick.
No! That's the bitch from the news.
What? Why you let Pookie up in here?
Why you let some cop up in here? Look, she ain't no cop.
That's the bitch from the news.
Channel Six Live at 5:00.
I'm about to put my foot up in your motherfucking mouth.
I-I'm not a cop. I'm not.
I am... I'm bitch from the news.
"For KZLA Live at 5:00 Eyewitness News,
I'm Meghan Miles.
Be well."
Pookie, shut the hell up.
Why the hell would KZLA's Meghan Miles...
be sucking dick for crack in our hood?
No, I'm not sucking dick for crack.
What you sucking dick for then?
Nothing.
- Shit's free? - Uh...
So, you ain't sucked one dick tonight?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Okay, but it's... That's not, uh...
Look, I'm just lost.
And I just need to make a phone call.
- I just wanted to borrow your phone. - Look, right here. Look.
- Oh, my God. - Bitch from the news.
Yeah. Look at this.
"Be well." I love it.
Oh, shit. It do kind of look like you.
Yeah. I'm Meghan. Meghan Miles.
Look, bitch from the news,
you real good and stuff,
but I just think you need to work on inviting the audience in a little more.
Earnin' they trust.
You have a natural, approachable beauty. I like it.
But your delivery is just a little robotic.
I just feel like you can show us a little more warmth.
- I know it's in there. - Pookie, what you smoking on?
Weed laced with embalming fluid.
It's pretty good.
No, no, no. I kind of see what he's sayin'.
Uh-huh. See, it's like you closed to the world.
- Uh-huh. - Yeah.
I mean, look how you holding your shoulders right now. Mm-hmm.
All closed off...
like you don't trust us.
Okay, these are, uh, excellent points.
Viewer feedback is very important to me, Mr., uh...
- Hulk. - Hulk.
- And? - Scrilla.
Scrilla and Pookie.
- With two O's. - Okay.
I'm gonna take everything you said...
I'm going to take it all under consideration.
I need to get back to do the news.
Tonight, live at 5:00.
I'm up for a promotion, so it's really important that I be there.
But I am lost,
and I don't have a phone or money,
and my car's in the impound lot.
And I am currently standing in the middle of a ghetto crack house.
Sorry. No offense.
- None taken. - That's a pretty fair description.
Look, I'll tell you what.
I'm going to help you out.
- Yeah. Exactly. - Give her that one.
Use that one. Okay.
Thank you. You got it.
- Thank you. - Right over there.
Okay.
[ Scrilla ] Give me that. [ Pookie ] What happened to that dress?
Since when you watch the news? I wake up at 5:00. That's what I...
You got a TV?
You see the TV in the back. You need to sell that shit. You owe me money.
[ Pookie ] I already paid you. [ Muttering ]
Remember my E.B.T. card? [ Scrilla ] Shut the hell up.
[ Exhales ]
What's wrong, sweetheart?
I don't know anybody's number.
They were all in my phone.
I use the voice dialing in my car,
and everyone's on speed dial.
That's some modern-day, fucked-up shit, huh?
Yeah.
I only know, like, three numbers.
My parents in Texas, and I am not calling them.
I know my own number so I could give it out to people.
I'll just... I should text myself, right?
Someone might get it. That's a good idea.
Okay. "It's Meghan. Help. I'm"...
- Where am I? - The hood.
[ Pookie ] We more like hood-adjacent.
Hood. Yeah. [ Beeps ]
So what's the other number?
[ Phone Ringing ] [ Snorts, Whines ]
Who is this?
You woke me up.
Goddamn it, I said who is this? Just talk.
It's me. It's Meghan.
[ Quietly ] You were never gonna call me.
I had to call you, okay, Kyle? I had to. Listen.
Breaking up was the hardest thing I ever did.
Just hold on.
Hang on.
Why are you talking so low?
Are you...
Are you with someone? Is someone there with you already?
- Are you drunk? - Technically, probably yes.
- [ Laughs, Stammers ] - Is this a booty call?
No! I don't want to have sex with you.
Damn! Who you talking to?
It's my ex-fiancé.
Oh, okay. All right.
- Who's that? - That is Pookie.
He's an acquaintance of mine.
Okay, so then you are not alone either.
What are you doing? Why are you calling me?
I called you because I'm in trouble, Kyle, okay?
I need you to come and get me,
and I only knew three numbers, okay?
You and my parents and 1-800-FLOWERS,
and I wish to God it wasn't the case,
but some things just stick, you know?
I can't get rid of you.
Anybody know any numbers? I don't know.
I know the bail bond's number.
♪ 800-588-2300 ♪
What you gonna need that for? ♪ Empire ♪
I may need some carpet or something.
- Are you in jail? - Not yet, but it's a distinct possibility.
Sober up. Call a taxi, all right? I gotta go.
[ Woman ] Kyle, who are you talking to?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, there is someone there!
I knew it! You bastard!
I'm sorry. Please don't call me again.
Baby, can you please come help me? It is over, okay?
- Listen... - Gotta...
Now you listen, motherfucker.
I don't know what the fuck you did to Meghan Miles...
from the motherfuckin' news,
but you better drag your cracker-ass out of bed...
And get down to this crack house and get Meghan Miles the fuck out of here.
She gotta go do the motherfuckin' news,
or else she won't get her fuckin' promotion.
[ Scrilla ] Give me that. Yo.
You show one more motherfuckin' ounce of disrespect to this woman,
and I swear I will track your bitch ass down and set your ass on fire.
You hear me? Now I got your number in my phone,
but say something else.
Okay. Yes, sir. That's good. That was so sweet.
Really. Thank you. I got you.
Uh, who's that?
That's Scrilla and Hulk. They are also acquaintances of mine.
Are you in a crack house? Yes, Kyle.
That is what I am trying to tell you.
I am in a crack house.
- [ Men Shouting ] - Oh, shit!
Die slow, motherfucker! [ Meghan Screams ]
Is this a joke, Meghan?
What the fuck is happening?
Meghan Miles from the news, you gotta go now.
Go through that door, make a right. Go down the steps.
You'll see a vent. Jump in it. It'll take you out the back.
Go! Go! [ Babbling ]
You got this, right? Wait up, bitch from the news.
[ Scrilla ] I'm gonna put some caps in your ass!
[ Muttering ] Why is this happening to me?
Right down here.
Who the fuck are you, motherfuckers?
Ooh! Oh!
Aaah! [ Grunts ]
Oh. My bad. Pookie?
Yeah, it's me.
Okay. Come on, to the right. Come on.
Okay. Now go to the right.
This way, Meghan Miles. Who was that? Why is that happening?
I don't know. That was insane.
I don't want to get shot.
I was just out having a good time. Come on.
[ Man On Radio ] 12th Street crack house. Shots fired.
Three black males, one Caucasian female in a yellow dress.
You believe this?
Maybe it's some other white chick in a yellow dress.
[ Officer ] Hey, hey, hey. Whoa. You saw this lady?
- You gotta talk to the lieutenant. - No, we don't.
Yeah, you do.
Actually, we do. I know we do.
You're just supposed to say we don't.
Aw, shit.
Shit, shit.
Go!
Pookie? Huh?
Do you know where the impound lot is?
Where they tow cars to? Uh...
The tow to. You know where that is? Is it nearby?
Yes, yes. Okay. The impound lot. Yeah.
What you want to do, you wanna take this street all the way down.
Hit Western.
Follow that like it's your yellow brick road.
You gonna go under the 10.
If you hit Dollar Taco, you gone too far.
Okay, so the Western and the 10. You're sure?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm about sure.
But look, don't use the bathroom at Dollar Taco. It's really bad.
Okay. Don't do it.
Thank you. Okay, you be good.
Wait, wait, wait! What?
Oh, no, no. No, I...
No. Take this.
Pookie, I can't take your crack.
It's worth about $10 on the street.
But don't smoke it.
It normally doesn't end well,
at least for me.
Pookie, I cannot take your crack. No. No, no.
I insist. Please.
When a crackhead gives you his crack,
you have his heart right there.
Just remember, shout out your boy Pookie next time you're on air, okay?
Um, okay.
And don't forget to shout out Scrilla and Hulk... Yup.
And Skip, Skip-a-doo,
Treezy, B-Bow...
not to be confused with G-Bow...
- Little Markeese and also my Uncle Joseph. - Sure.
He's locked down in Chino.
Okay.
- Oh, and Meghan Miles? - Yeah?
Be well.
Be well too.
[ Sirens Blaring ] I'll be well if I get my ass out of here.
For two years, there's been a tenuous peace...
Then, all of a sudden, some mystery white woman in a yellow dress shows up...
and everything goes to shit.
I know. It's crazy.
Add to that, she jacks a cabdriver.
Now she's running with Scrilla's gang.
No, no, no, no. She's just a hooker.
We saw her at the Point. Yeah.
- And you didn't bring her in? - I wanted to.
Tell you what, Lieutenant,
How about we just brief the next shift coming in...
Next shift? Ain't no next shift for you.
You two can I.D. her. You're staying on till we bring her in.
Caucasian, yellow dress, hooker.
Back to the streets, fellas.
Sorry. What's wrong with you? "I wanted to."
Protect and serve. Go fuck yourself, Vic.
[ Cell Phone Chimes ]
[ Chiming Continues ]
[ Chimes ]
"It's Meghan. Help. Lost in the Hood."
[ Scoffs ]
[ Hulk ] Who this? Oh, hey. This is... I'm looking for Meghan.
Bitch from the news? She gone.
Don't call this number again, motherfucker.
[ Line Clicks ]
♪ [ Men Rapping In Spanish ]
♪ [ Reggaeton ]
Oh! Ooh. Oh. Sorry. I didn't see you there.
Ugh. Okay. Hey! You're Meghan Miles,
that Channel Six news lady.
I"En vivo! [ Laughs ]
En vivo. What are you doing down here?
It's a long story. You don't have five dollars, do you?
- In the store, I do. Can you wait right here? - Sure.
For five dollars, let me take your photo and I'll put it on the wall.
Oh. No, no. I can't...
And then I put it on Facebook and everyone likes it.
No, no. Oh, no, no. You can't put a photo on Facebook.
No, no photos. I'll send you a head shot. I'll send you something.
Hey, look! Meghan Miles on the walk of shame.
[ Horn Honks ]
[ Chiming ]
Uh, Meghan's phone.
Who's this? Where's Meghan?
Well, where is she now? Why do you have her phone? Did you hurt her?
No. No, I... We went home together last night,
and I'm thinking she might be in some trouble right now.
She left her phone here, and I have no idea where she is.
You better be telling the truth, psycho, because I will out-psycho you.
And if you hurt Meghan, I will reign fucking fury down on you.
Relax.
Where do you live? 244 Traction.
- Where the fuck is that? - It's downtown near the Sixth Street bridge.
People live there? Yeah. I do.
Buzz 810 when you get here.
All right, well, you stay there or I'm calling the cops.
- [ Chimes ] - [ Sound Machine Humming ]
- [ Rose ] Denise, get up. - I'm up.
- I can hear your sound machine. - I need to just lie here.
It's bad. It's really bad.
Denise, just get up. Meghan might be in trouble. She needs us.
You don't understand. I...
Hey, babe, is everything cool?
Please don't touch me.
Who is that?
I made a terrible mistake last night.
I think I may have taken Iggy Pop home.
[ Man ] All right, all right. What's up? What's up?
There you go. Mm-hmm.
What the fuck is this?
Hi. All right.
Hey, I don't wanna waste anyone's time.
I'm gonna assume that you're a crack dealer.
And, um, I was wondering if you wanted a little more.
A little more what?
[ Whispering ] A little more crack.
You know, like, maybe I could cash it in for some money.
You wanna sell me crack?
Well, I technically don't wanna sell it because I think that that's wrong.
But I was hoping that maybe make a return or something.
Oh. Okay. A return. Yeah.
You got the receipt?
The...
Uh... Or maybe the box it came in?
Oh, come on, man, I just have the crack.
Oh, you just got the crack? Yeah, that's all I have.
And I just thought, you know, you could add it to your stash,
Uh-huh. Give me, like, 10 bucks,
and then you can sell it for more, and that's good business.
You don't walk into McDonald's with your own hamburgers...
and try to sell it to 'em.
You know why? Because they already got their own hamburgers.
They're not gonna look at your hamburgers and be like, "Oh, shit.
She's got hamburgers. That looks like a good deal.
Maybe I could buy 'em, turn around and sell 'em for twice as much."
Crack is all the same, right? It's just this little thing.
Put that shit away. What the fuck you doing, trying to set me up?
I'm saying that it would be very easy to pass off as your own crack.
It's probably all from the same place, isn't it?
I technically got it from Pookie who, I'm sure, got it from Scrilla.
Scrilla? Yeah, yeah. It's his crack.
You wanna unload Scrilla's shit on my corner, pass it off as my own?
You got a death wish, lady? Yo, Ladeke! [ Whistles ] What?
Who's Ladeke? Deal with this shit. School this bitch right now.
You're in the wrong territory. This is the Figueroa Crew, man.
I'm going.
- No, no, no, no, no. - I'm not done with you.
- I'm getting on the bus. - Come back here, man. You wanna disrespect me?
Yo, Ladeke, what am I, a sparrow?
When I whistle, you got to respond!
You can't be behind the line.
This one? There's two sides.
Is this the side? You on the wrong side.
Okay, okay, great.
$1.50.
You, blondie.
Uh, yes. Yes.
$1.50.
Such a good round... number.
- Where's your money? - Oh, it's, uh...
You know what? You can just keep going.
It's, um... It's here somewhere.
It's, um...
Shame.
Are... Are you talking to me?
Have you no shame?
I don't know who you think you are, Judgey Judgey Judgeyson,
but I am... You know, don't... I'm just trying to get to work.
Why don't you get your pimp to drive you?
These people are good people.
Oh, I'm sorry. I missed the sign "good people only."
How do you know what is in my soul? Hey!
Oh, I can tell. I can tell. $1.50.
Okay. Does the $1.50 need to be paid at every stop...
or does it cover the entire journey?
Are you for serious?
I am for serious.
Do you take credit cards? Yeah. You can swipe it right there.
Really? That is amazing, innovative technology...
that you can just...
[ Clears Throat ] Do you take debit cards?
Do you have a debit card?
I do not.
Listen. I'm gonna give you some advice.
Sure.
You might wanna think about another line of work,
'cause you ain't no good at this.
If you ain't even got $1.50,
you probably should think about retiring as a whore.
And if you do scrape up $1.50, use it to buy yourself a sandwich.
That's the reason you can't turn no tricks...
'cause you ain't got no meat on your bones.
Now, that advice was free,
but this ride is $1.50.
So you can pay that or you can get your ass off my bus.
Okay. I just need to get as far away from this gang territory as possible.
Really?
If you want, I can sit down and tell you the whole story.
- No. - No, no. You don't have to get up.
You ain't nothing but a skinny crack whore.
Now get your ass off my bus.
I am not a crack whore. I... I...
- Hmm. - Oh, that's...
But this is... this is part of that long story that I wanted to tell you about.
Okay, this... Ugh! Yech!
[ Spraying ] [ Screaming ]
You did good. You did good.
[ Whimpers, Cries ]
[ Crying ]
[ Walter ] All right, here it is.
Could I conduct the interviews this time? Hey, knock yourself out.
[ Man On Radio ] X22.
Latest report has Caucasian woman in yellow dress...
ejected from municipal bus 32, Western line.
This sounds like a psychotic break.
That's pretty good there, Dr. Phil.
Uh, X22 responding.
Hey, Dan. Yeah.
I'm just working on the new Granny Bandit story.
Oh, Granny's old news. I think we have a better story brewing.
The discord at this year's G8 summit?
Don't be a smart-ass.
The network is coming to see Meghan today.
- We have to do a great show. - Yeah.
- Have you seen her yet? - Nope.
Did you try and call her? Yes. Several times.
All right, if you were Meghan Miles, where would you be?
[ Gasping ]
Nothing to see here.
[ Man Chanting ]
[ Chanting Continues ]
Lord?
[ Chanting Continues ]
Hello.
Hello. Hello. Hi.
Oh.
Hi. [ Sighs ]
Can you help me?
But this is a place of worship, right?
A house of God? You're a rabbi. No.
Oh, you're not a... Isn't that what they're called?
You're obviously a temptress sent here to test my faith.
Oh.
Stimulation is a distraction from, and an offense to, God.
And with an uncovered head.
And this dress.
I shouldn't look. Okay, can you please just... Please, just go.
Come on.
You're telling me in this day and age,
you're not going to let me use the bathroom or make a call...
or-or give me bus fare?
Yeah, I just need... I need $1.50.
No, no. Look, there are no women allowed in there, okay?
Women are kept separate from the men.
In fact, our men aren't even allowed to hear a woman sing.
It's just bus fare.
That's really all I need. No one will know.
There's no one here. It's just us.
Okay. Look, of all the prohibitions,
I love the female voice mixing in the wind.
The lilt. The sweetness.
Hmm.
Now, I know I cannot touch.
But can not my ears touch?
A small price of $1.50 would eagerly be paid for such a delight.
Forbidden, though it is.
Um...
♪ I threw a wish in a well ♪
♪ Don't ask me I'll never tell ♪
♪ I looked to you as it fell ♪
♪ But now you're in my way ♪
Please don't stop.
♪ Your stare was holding ♪
♪ Ripped jeans Skin was showing ♪
♪ Hot night Wind was blowing ♪
♪ Where you think you're going, baby? ♪
♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
♪ And this is crazy ♪
♪ But here's my number ♪
♪ Call me maybe ♪
[ Shrieking ]
[ Together ] ♪ Call me maybe ♪
- [ Man ] Moshe, what's happening here? - Uh...
Hello. I don't know. She-She-She just appeared.
She... She wants money.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. I sang for you, and you owe me.
- [ Speaks Hebrew ] - What's that?
He called you a witch. Okay, what is wrong with you?
You've got to have some money in your pocket. No, no, you can't!
[ Moshe ] Wait, wait! [ Man ] Stop her! [ Speaks Hebrew ]
Possible hate crime at Wilshire "Ha"... "Ha"...
"Ha"... "Ha"... "Ha"... "Ha"...
- "Habad." - Chabad.
"Habad." Shit.
- It's a place of worship. - [ Man On Radio ] ...yellow dress, seen...
Hi.
Do you, uh... Hi.
I don't have... Leave me alone. Okay.
Hi. I'm Gordon.
You are so not her type. I get it though.
You guys wanna come in?
What is this, an artist loft? Are you a hipster?
Uh, no, not a hipster. I can't grow a convincing enough beard.
- Oh, my God. A single man with a cat. Wow. - [ Purrs ]
She's a rescue. What a guy.
Why do you look so familiar?
I was also your bartender last night.
I gave you all your seven or eight rounds of shots.
Oh, so you, uh, stalk 'em, you get 'em drunk, then you take them home.
That is not how it happened, okay? She needed help.
I was trying to help her, and we... well, we kind of hit it off.
Denise, four-point douche test. Go.
What? Have you ever been to a strip club?
Yes, but they make me uncomfortable.
What do you call your penis? My penis.
- That's hot. - Denise, Focus.
Sorry. How do you feel about Robert Pattinson? Not my favorite actor.
You shut your mouth. Okay.
Can I get a "whoop, whoop"? Whoop, whoop.
No. Don't ever do that again.
Kill an innocent dog or cheat on your girlfriend? Cheat on my girlfriend.
I'm not going to kill an innocent dog. That's sick.
You passed. Okay. So, we're good?
- Can I get a hot chocolate? - Not so fast.
[ Woman ] Which one is Karlin?
Hi. Dan.
Josh Feldman, CNB.
Jordan Gethers, CNB.
Ah. Dan Karlin, KZLA.
So, Miss Miles... Where is she?
Oh. Well, normally, Meghan would be here by now.
But knowing Meghan, she's out in the field doing research.
Daddy, look. Look.
I think that's Lindsay Lohan. No, honey. Just keep walking.
[ Gasps ]
[ Line Ringing ] [ Woman ] Operator.
How may I help you? Yes. Hi. Yes. I need help.
I'm in trouble and... Let me transfer you to 911.
No, no. No police. I don't need the police. I just need help making a call.
I don't know any numbers and I don't have any money.
I can call collect for you or if you know of any toll-free numbers.
I know a toll-free number. Uh... Uh, yes.
Okay, listen. Can you please connect me...
[ Ringing ] KZLA tip line. What's your news tip?
Yes! Hi! Hi!
Hallelujah.
It's Meghan Miles.
Oh, I just need to speak with Dan Karlin, please.
If you'd like to speak to an employee,
you can call him or her on their private line.
Okay, great. Can you give me Dan's number, please?
No, 'cause it's private.
No, no. Okay, it's Meghan Miles. From the news.
If your news is that you're Meghan Miles from the news,
then that's not news 'cause it's not true.
Now, if you don't have any news, please hang up.
No, no. I need to speak with Dan... Dan Kar...
[ Dial Tone ]
You...
[ Screams ]
[ Siren Blaring ]
[ Siren Fading ]
[ Sighs ]
So, you drove her home in her car. Yes. That's right.
Why didn't you take your car? I don't have a car.
You don't have a car in the city of Los Angeles. How do you get around?
I take public transportation mostly.
I will take the bus to work normally.
Sometimes I take the subway.
You son of a bitch! You killed her!
Jesus! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Denise!
He is lying to us. There's no subway in Los Angeles.
- Yes, there is. - Where? How come I've never seen it?
It's underground.
Right. Okay.
Sorry about that.
Okay. So, she left her phone.
Uh, what else did she leave?
She didn't come in with much. She had her phone and her keys. I had her keys.
Well, where did you put them?
Over by the door, on the table.
The keys aren't here. So she probably has her keys.
She has her key? That's great.
She has the Keytective key service on her key chain.
♪ Keytective Find your keys with ease ♪
What in God's name are you rambling on about?
It's a little thing that goes on your key chain...
and it has a little computer inside,
and somehow they can figure out where the heck you are.
Anyway, I told Meghan about it. She thought it was sensible.
Let's call from the car, see if the service number's in there.
No, no. Wait a minute. She just got a text.
"Miles, wrong day to be M.I.A. W.T.F."
- "What the fuck." - "Network is here.
Job's yours if you can just get here for a newscast. Karlin."
Karlin is her boss. Oh, my God. We have to find her.
[ Jordan ] So, Mr. Karlin, to your knowledge,
any questionable Flickr images,
tweets, pics, I.M.'s, e-mails, Facebook status updates,
Yelp reviews, anything at all associated with Meghan Miles?
No. Uh, Meghan Miles is a good girl.
Okay. Come on.
Locked.
[ Laughs ]
- Oh. - Lady, what are you doing with my bike?
I'm really, really sorry.
But I'm gonna need to borrow your bike.
I got to get to my car. I got to get my life back.
Have you ever had one of those days...
where everything you do just goes wrong?
And no matter how hard you try or how good your intentions,
life just keeps beating, beating you down, huh?
Well, I could really use a friend right now.
So if you just let me borrow your bike,
I'll have it back to you in no time.
Really, I promise.
It would just be so great if you could help me out.
[ Sighs ] Okay.
Oh, kid. You're an angel.
Show me your boobs and I'll let you borrow my bike.
Boobies.
I had higher hopes for you.
Yeah, let's go. Get over here. Come on.
All right, get in close.
Close your eyes first.
- I'm calling your mother. - What are you doing?
That's my bike! Hey!
[ Man On Police Radio ] X22. Olympic public Library.
Bike stolen. Suspect is female in yellow dress.
- [ Siren Wails ] - It really seems like she wants to get caught.
She's like a criminal beacon, sending off signals.
- Where did you get that from? - The detective's exam manual.
[ Chopper Steve ] Good afternoon, Los Angeles. Carpocalypse is in full swing.
So if you're crazy enough to be on the freeways, may God have mercy on you.
Which He won't.
Gordon, this is what a car looks like. Oh, thank you.
This is so exciting!
Keytective. Right here in her phone. Calling. Calling, calling.
[ Woman ] Keytective operator assist. Who am I speaking to?
Uh... Meghan.
- Miles. - Miles.
Meghan Miles. That's me.
Okay, Mr. Miles, what is your password?
Uh... Password.
The... Is it mother's maiden name?
The hint is your pet's name.
Mr. T. My dog's name is Mr. T.
- Yeah, we went deep last night. - I bet you did.
Let me just run a trace on your ignition key's G.P.S.
Great. They're running a trace. Wow.
So, you actually banged Meghan last night.
I am really proud of her for letting go. I really am.
Was she a freak? I bet she was.
- I'm not talking about the details with you. - Did she juggle your balls?
Did she slap you around a little bit, tell you you're pretty?
Um... 'Cause you're pretty.
You saw this little in the yellow dress steal your bike?
She was really scary.
- You got a good look at her? - Yeah. She had these, like, crazy eyes.
All right, kid. Come with us.
Hop in. We'll do a ride-along, okay?
But when we find her,
I want five minutes alone with her, okay?
Not okay, creepy kid.
Get in the back. Be happy that you're coming.
Just concentrate on apprehending the perp.
It's like the fucking Goonies.
[ Gordon ] What? No. I wouldn't want that even if she'd agree to it.
Why? Is that something that you... like?
It's just a pinky.
I can see that the key is at Rossmore and Normandie. But it seems to be moving.
[ Beeping ]
It's moving west on Normandie.
West on Normandie. Okay. Great. Rose, go to Norton and Wilshire.
I don't know where I am. [ Gordon ] Three more blocks and then make a right.
Hey, driver, you got to go faster. We have to find the bike.
It's "Officer." "Driver"? What, your dad rich or something?
My dad's taxes pay your bills. Find the bike.
Kid, if you don't shut up, I'm going to drop you off right on this corner.
God, I just want to find my bike!
And I just want to be fucking fishing!
[ Sobbing ] Oh, my God.
[ Walter ] Oh, come on. There you go.
You've really hurt his feelings now.
Well, the kid's an asshole.
And here we are on the 101.
Looking down on the gorgeous San Fernando Valley, home of the porn industry,
where I had the opportunity to work at one point in my career.
I worked the boom mic.
But did that stop me from getting gonorrhea?
[ Woman On Radio ] Any available Rampart. Any available Rampart. Come in.
- What are you smoking? - It's an e-cig.
Fake cigarette. That's dumb.
I smoke weed.
Great. Now we have to arrest you.
- No. I was kidding. - Well, you're already in the back.
- Why is this kid here? - He's a witness.
[ Walter ] The yellow dress is going to give her away.
- [ Growls ] - You...
Over there! Over there! There she is.
All right! Make a U-turn. Hurry!
Go back! All right, all right, relax!
[ Siren Blaring ]
[ Boy Banging On Glass ] Come on! Drive faster! Stop banging on the glass!
[ Man Speaking Foreign Language On TV ] [ Applause ]
There it is! I see the bike.
Bingo. She's here.
Stay in the car. X22 pursuing suspect on foot.
Entering parking lot, corner of Vermont and Third.
- [ Gasps ] - Miko, is that you? Come.
Uh... [ Walter ] Police officer.
Oh, no. Hello, hello.
[ With Asian Accent ] No. Uh, new girl.
Oh, new girl.
Okay, let's do this.
You know what to do? God.
I am never doing shots again.
And use plenty of lube.
X22, we are in pursuit inside the Happy Oasis Spa.
[ Man ] Copy that. [ Woman ] You. What you fellows want?
Ma'am, we're in pursuit of a suspect.
We just want to look around a little bit.
You're not my guy. I took care of my guy already.
What does that mean, Walter?
Don't worry about it.
[ Moans ] Oh, yeah, yeah. I like.
Ohh!
Oh, this is good.
[ Retches ] [ Moans ]
Okay, she stopped moving. We got an address. Let's do this. Let's go get her.
No, no. I go call my guy at the station.
My guy, Vic. Okay?
You know Vic?
[ Laughs ] Hilarious.
So, new girl, what's your name?
Kim... Jong... Il.
That's beautiful name. Listen.
Can you push harder on muscle, please?
Yeah, yeah. No, you tense. You tense.
Oh, yeah. I had bad night.
This yellow whore cheat me out of fare.
I cabdriver.
I chased her, but better I don't catch her.
In this country, you can't just kill.
This is exciting. Shh.
Kim. Why you stop? Shh, shh, shh.
Ah, ah. You... No, no. You tense. You so tense.
Uh... Shh. Good. Yeah.
[ Moaning ]
Quiet, quiet, quiet.
Feet. I like that. [ Moans ]
Time for happy conclusion.
- Shh. - [ Grunts ]
[ Moaning ]
Shit. Oh, oh...
- Ohh! - Kim, what happened?
What was that?
- [ Screams ] - [ Grunts ]
Kim.
You!
[ Shouting In Foreign Language ]
This way. I'm coming. I got you covered.
[ Shouting In Russian Continues ]
Other side. I could kick it down.
- Other side. Other side. - [ Shouting In Foreign Language ]
Jesus Christ. Did you see a woman in a yellow dress?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She steal money from me and then she assaulted me.
♪ And your left hand Left foot ♪
- ♪ And your left hand Right foot, stop ♪ - Whoa.
♪ And now your right foot and your right hand ♪
♪ Right foot and your right hand ♪
She can't have gotten too far.
[ Horn Honking ] ♪ Stop ♪
♪ I got, I got everything I needed ♪
♪ As long as you are, you are, you are here with me ♪
♪ And I'm not, I'm not, I'm not gonna leave ♪
♪ Oh, it feels right, feels right when you're here with me ♪
♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo Let me hear you go ♪
♪ Let me hear you go ♪
Any luck with Miles? Nothing.
We got to find her.
♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo Let me hear you go ♪
♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo ♪
Carpocalypse.
I can get across.
- I just have to. - No.
[ Gasps ] Oh, my God! God! Oh, you scared me.
Who are you? Oh, you scared...
What are you doing here?
Uh, I need to get across the freeway.
Underpass about a mile down.
No, no. I don't have to go that far.
Uh, the freeway's empty. There won't be any cars till 4:00 p.m.
I could maybe let you cross here.
Great.
For a toll.
A toll? I have nothing.
I have no money. I have no...
I like those.
Oh, man. I just got these. They're a nice color.
Hey, Dan, I'm over the freeway for the reopening.
T-minus 30.
I'll shoot it and then hover. You can come back to me live at 5:00.
Um... Yeah, if we have an anchor.
What do you mean? Where's Meghan Miles?
You've got a feed from Chopper Steve. Check this out.
[ Chopper Steve ] Dan, are you watching this? Yeah, Steve.
Oh, my God. There's a woman in a yellow dress trying to cross the freeway.
[ Pistols Cock ] [ Walter, Dave ] Freeze!
Put your hands in the air! Freeze!
Get down on the ground! Put your hands behind your back.
Hands back. Hands in the air!
- Hands up or hands down? - Do not move.
- Let me see your hands. - Dave, stop talking about her hands.
- Sorry, Walter. - I got this. Just let me handle this.
- Don't move. Don't move. - We got her, Walter. We got her.
- We got her. - Game over, ma'am.
Stop! Shit!
I knew it. Ma'am, stop!
Come on, Dave. Come on.
No! Don't, don't, don't!
- [ Horn Honking ] - [ Screams ]
[ All ] Ohh!
Oh, my God. She made it.
[ Walter ] Jesus Christ, she's an Olympian.
Walter, she's getting away! Sorry!
Walter, we're stuck. That chick is a psycho.
Good job, Steve. Keep on her.
I'm on it. No, lost her.
Suckers.
[ Laughing ]
Boop-boop. [ Honk Honks ]
Do not call. Don't tell Vic! I won't tell Vic, but I got to call it in.
I will fucking shoot you.
You left your purse in your car? Yes.
And your shoes too?
Um, I don't see what the shoes have to do with anything.
Okay, I cannot let you in that car without payment.
I have the key!
It's right here.
Look. Boop-boop. [ Horn Honks ]
See the boop? You can't block a boop-boop with your hand.
Boop-boop. Look. Turn around. You'll see it boop-booping.
Mm-mmm. I'm not going to fall for this. Could be a trick.
What kind of trick?
What am I, a magician?
You need to calm down. I'm trying to help you.
You are? Yeah.
Really? Yeah.
Now, what is the address...
from where "your" car was towed?
Okay. Yes.
It was, um... Okay, well, it's not...
it's not my address,
um, because I was visiting a friend at the time of the towing.
He was a... It was a new friend.
Naughty.
Are you telling me that there's no way...
that I could go to my car without my license...
and get my wallet which has my money?
You see what I'm laying down?
You see what I'm putting down? I'm putting that down.
Are you trying to bribe me?
No. That's a shame.
Because I was thinking I might want Quiznos for lunch today.
- How much? - $500.
Quiznos does not cost... $500? It does for me.
Okay, you are going to let me into my car. Hands off of there.
You are going to let me into my car! Hands off.
Stop it. Get your hands off the glass.
Stop it. No.
I can see it! It's right there.
Hands off the glass. Get out of here.
Give me my car. It's right there.
[ Gasps, Screams ] No, not my purse! My purse. No! No! No!
No.
[ Wails ]
[ Yelling ]
Fuck this.
Yes. Yeah! Suck it, lady!
[ Chuckles ]
Oh!
Come on. Go. Come on. Go. Come on. Go, go, go, go. Come on. Come on.
No, no, no, no, no.
Gotcha.
[ Gasps ] I know you.
You're stuck again. You gonna...
Hi. I'm Gordon. I'm... From last night.
How you doing? How you doing?
Any chance you can pop the sunroof?
Yeah. Uh-huh.
All right, a little more.
Hi.
Watch yourself.
Let's get you out of here. Apparently, you have some news to deliver.
How did you know? What are you...
I know everything. Hi.
Where's your car? I don't have a car.
What? I know, I know.
Damn, what did you do to yourself?
What did you do to my dress?
How did you guys find me? You got to get me out of here.
Okay, tell me what's going on.
I can't believe you guys are here. You guys are...
- We did it! - God, you're alive!
I can't believe we found you.
Thank you, guys. I love you so much.
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
How did you find me? I got your friends and your G.P.S.
- Your Keytective thing. - Oh, my God! Keytective!
My commercial. You thought of that?
I know. Do you want me to sing it? No, don't sing it.
- Okay, I'm so sorry that I left. - No, no. It's okay.
I don't have a bigger regret in my life.
It led to the most insane...
I don't do this sort of thing at all. It's okay.
Guys, I hate to interrupt your second date, cause it's really cute,
- [ Horns Honking ] - [ Man ] Suspect in yellow dress...
spotted entering black S.U.V. moving east on Wilshire.
Bingo. We got her.
Who has my phone? He does. I got it.
[ Cell Phone Chiming ]
Meghan. Where the hell are you?
Yeah, yeah. I'm on my way. Have hair and makeup standing by.
They're ready. They're ready. Get here.
And can you connect me to an outside line?
Hey there. I saw your ad on Swinging Singles.
Let me ask you something. How can you be that hot, that young and that single?
[ Beeping ] Sorry. Got to go. Duty calls.
[ Siren Blaring ] Lady, get out of the way!
Does the fucking siren not mean anything to you?
Meghan Miles, This is Chopper Steve, setting down.
Okay! I got to go.
I'll give you a call. I got to do the news.
Good luck! No. You come.
I'm not good with helicopters.
Good luck, Meghan! You're gonna be great! Kill it!
We love you, Meghan!
Christ on a piece of halibut! What happened to you?
I need to get to the station.
There's a girl in a yellow dress out there who almost got killed.
Yeah, yeah. That's nuts. Let's go.
Let's cut some sky.
Meghan!
We love you, Meghan! Good luck, Meghan!
[ Denise ] You're gonna be great! Read that news!
It's so exciting!
Let me do all the talking. No, opposite, opposite.
Ma'am, did you see a woman in a yellow dress get on that helicopter?
I saw Meghan Miles,
undercover investigator for KZLA, get on a helicopter.
Wait. The woman we're chasing is just a reporter?
Dear God, it's worse than we ever imagined.
The hooker has infiltrated the media,
where she's posing as KZLA's Meghan Miles.
What do you mean, she's infiltrated the media?
So, you're saying that our best friend Meghan is an undercover hooker?
[ Dave ] It looks that way.
So, you have an idiot friend too? Yeah. Mine's by choice.
You got stuck with this guy, right?
We have her! Let's move! [ Gasps ]
[ Gasps ] Oh, my God, honey.
There's too much to do. Let's get her on the chair.
Hurry up. Triage. People, we don't have much time.
[ All Clamoring ]
Go, go, go, go, go. Let's go.
Ten seconds to air. Come on.
All right, this is gonna be great. It's up to me, right?
[ News Announcer ] And now, here's Meghan Miles with your news.
- Perfect. - [ Woman ] In three, two, one.
All right, get out!
Good evening. I'm Meghan Miles.
Our top story... a woman authorities describe...
as a bitter and deranged prostitute in a yellow dress...
is rampaging through our city.
This hooker hoodlum's...
[ Muttering ] Uh...
This working girl's sinister spree...
began with a dispute with an immigrant cabdriver...
and would include evading police,
distributing crack cocaine and possible hate crimes.
Oh.
In other news...
You know, I know I'm only supposed to read the news today.
I... can't read this story because I know that it's not true.
Huh?
Because... this story's about me.
I'm... I am the Hooker Hoodlum.
Look. Look. It's me.
The yellow dress and the...
I'm the breaking story.
Yeah. I'm your news at 5:00. You're, uh...
Look at this, huh?
The bad guy of the hour. [ Growls ]
Shall we dig a little deeper?
Hooker Hoodlum. Hmm.
Hooker. Yes.
I woke up in a stranger's bed.
A lovely, lovely stranger.
And I had to endure a really weird,
very long... walk of shame.
Look at these feet. This is how much I walked right here.
But I am not a hooker.
Which I have said repeatedly all evening long.
Also, I'm not ashamed. I shouldn't have called it a walk of shame.
Not ashamed.
And I don't care what people think anymore,
because it is exhausting.
[ Grunts ] So let's just let the shame lie with everyone...
who took one look at a girl in a... in a...
in this... I mean, this is not, I agree, the most conservative outfit,
but this should not automatically make me a pariah or prey.
Meghan, Have you lost your mind?
The point is that everything I did,
I did because I was trying to get back here...
so that I could convince a few people...
that I am someone that I no longer am.
I am not safe or perfect.
And if I'm going to tell you the news,
I should be telling the real story...
and not just reading this dumb script.
Dan, I'm sorry.
You're the best. You've been nothing but the best to me.
And you're gonna haul me out of here. So real quick.
I just need to say that Kyle, I never want to see you again.
I'm so glad I dumped her. Don't call me. I won't call you.
We traced your number from a recovered cell phone used by a drug syndicate.
Rose and Denise, thank you more...
for being my friends and coming to get me.
We did good. We crushed it.
Hey, is it too early for shots? [ Man ] Hell to the no.
What are you still doing here?
And, um... New guy, Gordon. Hey.
So, I'm a little bit crazy. [ Chuckles ]
Also, you looked really good in this dress. I just remembered that part.
And one last thing.
A big shout out to my boys...
Scrilla, Hulk and especially Pookie.
[ Laughs ] Aw! Aw!
What I'd tell ya? What?
And his uncle in chinos. I'm sorry, I don't remember the rest, Pooks.
What? That's my bitch from the news.
That's the news. I'm Meghan Miles.
Be well or, you know, whatever.
Just...
Just be yourself. I mean, just...
Okay. Thanks, Dan.
- Good luck, Chuck. - [ Woman ] Chuck, move to Meghan's chair.
I think we should get out of here.
Maybe we should go. Yeah, I think we should.
Meghan Miles, you will be missed.
Good day, Los Angeles. I'm Chuck Rogers.
You know what happened. I'm not crazy.
[ Man ] Meghan. No, what was crazy about that?
Incredible. Yeah, I'm really sorry.
You should hire Chang.
I mean, what an incredible idea for an investigative series.
The girl in the yellow dress.
Right. But you know I didn't plan that. It was just what happened.
Even better. Like To Catch A Predator meets...
Tyra Banks in a fat suit meets Undercover Millionaire. It's fresh.
Meghan, I know there's something we can do together at the network.
- What are we talking about? - It's a reality show.
I love it. [ Jordan ] Love it.
- Reality? - [ Gordon ] Your call.
I need to think about it and get back to you.
Dan here can get the ball rolling.
I just need a pair of shoes.
Maybe a sandwich. Get you some shoes. Oh, some food too.
Maybe brush my teeth. Right?
No, no, you're fine.
Just do some hair fixing. I got your back, Meghan.
So, what do you have in mind for us?
- You two are a package? - Yeah, I'm her producer.
How much to go away?
Hey, babe. There he is. Arrest him.
Sir, we need you to stand up, put your hands behind your back.
What are you talking about?
Put your cookies down. Let's go.
What are you doing, arresting me?
For what? Being too sexy? Ow!
So, your place or mine? Yeah. Um...
I'd love to show you mine.
It's very empty, but it has a bed.
Nice. How are we going to get there?
Ooh, I have not thought of that.
Uh, maybe we should take that cab. No. No, no.
No time for that. No, it's not.
I never wanna see a cab again. Okay.
We're gonna walk. That's fine with me.
This will be more of an adventure.
[ Woman ] ♪ There's a place where I can go ♪
♪ Where all my secrets no one knows ♪
♪ I'll meet you there I'll meet you there ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't wanna be anywhere else but home ♪
♪ Let's go home ♪
♪ Home ♪
♪ Let's go home ♪
[ Man ] ♪ Waking up to the walk of shame ♪
♪ Do do, do do One girl ♪
♪ Any walk through Hollywood ♪
♪ Is a walk around the world ♪
♪ Headin' out on the walk of shame ♪
♪ Do do, do do You back out ♪
♪ To the ugly light of day ♪
♪ You thank God for last night's blackout ♪
♪ Shame ♪
♪ If you can't get it right ♪
♪ At least get it done ♪
♪ You got the world at your sides ♪
♪ Wrong end of the curb ♪
♪ Shame ♪
[ Woman ] ♪ I've gotta walk on ♪
♪ I've gotta go ♪
♪ I've gotta get back ♪
♪ To what I know ♪
♪ It's almost daylight ♪
♪ I've gotta make it all right ♪
♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ I've gotta go ♪
♪ Life is a curtain coming down around me ♪
♪ I'm not a stranger to the change in scene ♪
♪ I gotta hear what my heart is saying ♪
♪ Go ♪
♪ Gotta walk on ♪
♪ I gotta go ♪
♪ I gotta get back ♪
♪ To what I know ♪
♪ It's been a long night ♪
♪ I'm gonna make it all right ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ I gotta go ♪
♪ Go ♪
♪ Gotta walk on ♪
♪ Walk on ♪