1
00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:34,201
2
00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:35,743
KAREN: So we have aisle seats,
3
00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:37,870
we have a couple of drinks,
and we get to the airport.
4
00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:40,289
Neither of us speaks a word of Italian,
by the way. (CHUCKLING)
5
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:44,001
So this guy thinks he'll be able
to find his luggage if he speaks pig Latin.
6
00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:45,169
ALL: Ah.
7
00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,004
Yeah, that's right. I said, "looking for bags."
8
00:00:47,089 --> 00:00:51,008
But it came out, "ook-in-lay or-fay ags-bay."
9
00:00:51,093 --> 00:00:52,385
(BOTH LAUGHING)
10
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:54,011
That is too funny.
11
00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:56,973
I said "that's it. I'm never leaving
the country again."
12
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,183
Joel can't even leave
the upper West Side of Manhattan.
13
00:00:59,268 --> 00:01:01,018
That's true. For me, the perfect vacation
14
00:01:01,103 --> 00:01:02,937
is getting a cheese Danish from zabar's
15
00:01:03,021 --> 00:01:04,772
and curling up with the Sunday times.
16
00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:05,982
(CHUCKLING)
17
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,150
So do you still read the times?
18
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:09,110
Oh, boy. Kyle thinks the times
has gone downhill.
19
00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:10,445
Now, I beg to differ.
20
00:01:10,529 --> 00:01:12,071
It's nothing but a worthless yellow rag.
21
00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:14,157
We've been having this fight
since the day we met.
22
00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:16,117
- Well, it probably seems that way.
- Hmm.
23
00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:18,077
No, we literally met
when we were both on a panel
24
00:01:18,162 --> 00:01:20,329
at the guggenheim
debating the merits of the New York times.
25
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,540
And I said, "who is this know-it-all girl?"
26
00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:24,709
And I thought, "who is this pompous guy?"
27
00:01:24,793 --> 00:01:25,793
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
28
00:01:25,878 --> 00:01:27,378
Anyway, our heated discussion
29
00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:29,088
continued over a bottle of Merlot.
30
00:01:29,173 --> 00:01:33,801
Let's just say the discussing part stopped,
but the heated part continued.
31
00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:35,636
- (BOTH CHUCKLING)
- Okay.
32
00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:39,056
For better or worse,
we've been together ever since.
33
00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:40,349
Probably worse, right?
34
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:43,311
Oh, definitely for worse. It's awful.
35
00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:47,148
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
36
00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:49,817
So, Joel, Molly, how'd you two meet?
37
00:01:50,652 --> 00:01:52,528
- Oh, boy. That's a long story.
- Yeah.
38
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,906
Oh, we've got time.
Waiter! More wine.
39
00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:57,825
Well, it's kind of a corny,
romantic comedy kind of story.
40
00:01:57,910 --> 00:01:59,243
That's true.
That is true.
41
00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:00,495
Really? How so?
42
00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:03,581
Well, Joel is kind of
a typical romantic comedy leading man.
43
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:05,917
He's handsome,
but in a non-threatening way.
44
00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:07,251
Yeah, I can see that.
45
00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:08,920
Vaguely but not overtly Jewish.
46
00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,838
You're right.
He's just Jewish enough.
47
00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:15,426
And Molly is the kind of cute, klutzy girl
that sometimes will drive you a little crazy,
48
00:02:15,511 --> 00:02:17,094
but you can't help but fall in love with her.
49
00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:18,221
Guilty.
50
00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:20,348
- Okay. So we have our main characters.
- Not quite.
51
00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:24,227
There is another character
that was just as important as the two of us.
52
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,145
- Mmm.
- New York City.
53
00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:27,939
Ah! Mmm.
54
00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:30,191
So New York City is like another character?
55
00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:31,317
Yeah.
56
00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:35,071
So if there was a movie
about your relationship,
57
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:38,324
it would probably start
with aerial shots of the Manhattan skyline.
58
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:39,408
Exactly.
59
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,869
(HAPPY MUSIC PLAYING)
60
00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:52,964
JOEL: I was living
in a loft on Broadway and 86th street,
61
00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:55,007
and I had a girlfriend at the time, Tiffany.
62
00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:56,801
She worked in the fashion industry.
63
00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:59,387
Very put together.
Never had a hair out of place.
64
00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:01,973
But there was something cold about her.
65
00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:04,100
- Hey, you.
- Hey.
66
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:05,768
I love you.
67
00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:08,855
Mmm, and I admire your spirit.
68
00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:12,733
Thanks.
69
00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:15,987
MOLLY: And I was just
getting over a break-up,
70
00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:18,990
so the closest thing
I had to a boyfriend was my dog, Charlie.
71
00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:20,116
Hey, handsome!
72
00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:21,325
(GROUP LAUGHING)
73
00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:23,327
MOLLY: I wasn't all put together like Tiffany.
74
00:03:23,412 --> 00:03:26,414
In fact, as Joel said earlier,
I was a real klutz.
75
00:03:26,498 --> 00:03:27,498
Oh.
76
00:03:27,583 --> 00:03:29,542
JOEL: Klutz is
the understatement of the century.
77
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:31,419
(GROUP LAUGHING)
78
00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:35,548
Oh, no!
79
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:49,020
(SINGING ALONG)
80
00:03:53,609 --> 00:03:55,318
(BOTH SINGING)
81
00:03:57,779 --> 00:03:59,822
(WHISTLING)
82
00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:06,412
Oh!
83
00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:09,373
Ugh!
84
00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:15,504
JOEL: See, New York
is such an important part of our lives,
85
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,673
it's almost like another character in our story.
86
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:18,758
KYLE: Right. You said that.
87
00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:21,052
MOLLY: I really didn't
feel like I needed a love life, you know?
88
00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:23,930
In fact, New York City
was almost like a boyfriend to me.
89
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:25,389
KAREN: Oh, right.
90
00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:27,350
- KYLE: That is so good.
- KAREN: Very good.
91
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:29,477
KYLE: That's very good.
That's very cool.
92
00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:42,156
MOLLY: Most importantly,
I had my little candy shop, upper sweet side.
93
00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:44,742
I was living my dream
of owning a shop that was
94
00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:47,703
charming and adorable,
and impossible not to like.
95
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:52,291
You guys have not lived until you've tried
my creamy caramel clusters.
96
00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:54,210
- They're better than sex!
- (JOEL AND KYLE CHUCKLING)
97
00:04:55,170 --> 00:04:56,754
When you've been married
as long as we have,
98
00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:58,673
taking a stinky shit is better than having sex.
99
00:04:58,924 --> 00:05:01,342
- (BOTH CHUCKLING)
- Only in New York, right?
100
00:05:01,593 --> 00:05:04,095
MOLLY: Anyway,
I was in no rush to meet someone new.
101
00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:07,640
I was mainly concerned
about trying to keep my business afloat.
102
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:10,768
So many mom and pop shops
being elbowed out
103
00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:13,813
by faceless evil conglomerates like csr.
104
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:16,232
KAREN: Wait a minute.
105
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,316
JOEL: That's right.
106
00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:20,319
I was an executive
at candy systems and research.
107
00:05:20,404 --> 00:05:21,862
I was the bad guy!
108
00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:24,281
I didn't think of myself
as a corporate raider.
109
00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:26,993
I thought of myself
as a nice guy with a great job.
110
00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:30,705
So he went down on me, and I came
in one second. (CHUCKLES)
111
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,248
Morning, Melanie.
112
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,208
Oh, my boss is here.
I'll call you later. Bye, dad.
113
00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:36,168
JOEL: I had everything there,
corner office,
114
00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:38,587
the expense account,
the sexy girlfriend.
115
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,506
I felt like I was ready
to take the next step.
116
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:42,008
Bob, my best friend!
117
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,384
Joel, my best buddy!
118
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,178
Guess what?
After years of dating Tiffany,
119
00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:47,471
I'm finally popping the question.
120
00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:50,766
Wow. So I guess you're finally dealing
with those commitment issues you have.
121
00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:52,643
Yeah, I even bought her
a ring and everything.
122
00:05:52,728 --> 00:05:54,311
Amazing. Because until now
123
00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:56,272
the only thing
you've been willing to commit to
124
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:57,648
are your commitment issues.
125
00:05:57,774 --> 00:05:59,066
(BOTH LAUGHING)
126
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:03,571
It's true.
127
00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:04,697
I'm happy for you, buddy.
128
00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:05,781
Thanks, man.
129
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,158
Hey, catch!
130
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,409
(BOTH YELL)
131
00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:09,535
He's got it!
132
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:10,828
- He's got a football!
- Think quick!
133
00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:13,748
- Boom! Boom!
- Right there! Down and out, buttonhook!
134
00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:15,583
Go deep! Go deeper!
135
00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,501
(SCREAMING)
136
00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:19,086
Holy shit, Bob!
137
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:20,421
- BOB: Joel!
- Oh, god!
138
00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:22,298
(GRUNTING)
139
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,799
- JOEL: Grab my hand!
- BOB: Pull me up!
140
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,092
- JOEL: Grab my hand!
- Hey, Joel.
141
00:06:25,761 --> 00:06:26,844
BOB: Joel?
142
00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:28,262
What do you want, Trevor?
143
00:06:28,346 --> 00:06:30,431
Congrats on snaggin' the dickricker account.
144
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:32,767
Yeah, right. Sure.
145
00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:34,852
You ready for the big meeting with Roland?
146
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:38,064
I'd hate for you guys to screw
everything up again, like you did last time.
147
00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:40,441
So now I'm in line for the big promotion.
148
00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:41,525
Not you.
149
00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:42,985
Pretty funny, huh?
150
00:06:44,488 --> 00:06:46,614
- BOB: Joel? A little help here, buddy.
- TREVOR: Oh, Joel...
151
00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:49,450
Is your girlfriend Tiffany home right now?
152
00:06:50,035 --> 00:06:51,535
Yeah, she should be. Why?
153
00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:55,956
No reason.
154
00:06:57,501 --> 00:06:58,584
What the...
155
00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:01,420
Sounds like this Trevor guy's trying
to get it on with your girlfriend.
156
00:07:01,505 --> 00:07:03,255
Well, in retrospect, I agree with you,
157
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:05,674
but at the time it seemed like he was just
grabbing a condom
158
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,010
out of the rubber bowl
and headin' over to meet my girlfriend.
159
00:07:10,305 --> 00:07:11,889
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
160
00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:20,981
So, as you all know,
we begin construction today
161
00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:25,611
on our next
candy systems and research superstore.
162
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:29,031
First order of business,
to suss out the competition.
163
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:32,743
Are there any other
nearby candy stores we need to
164
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,871
know about?
165
00:07:36,998 --> 00:07:40,000
The only one we could find
is just this really small
166
00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:42,753
quirky candy shop
across the street from our location.
167
00:07:42,838 --> 00:07:45,172
It's called upper sweet side, NYC.
168
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:48,134
Kind of a dumb name for a store, huh?
169
00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:49,885
(ALL LAUGHING)
170
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,309
That's so stupid.
171
00:07:58,353 --> 00:08:00,312
No, I think it's kind of clever.
I like it.
172
00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:01,814
What was that, Joel?
173
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:04,233
Nothing, sir.
174
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,861
That'll be $100,000 dollars.
175
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:09,989
I'm just kidding.
It's all free.
176
00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:15,369
Oh, I love my little shop, Wanda.
177
00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:17,079
It's what I've always dreamed of,
178
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,706
ever since I was a little girl.
179
00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:20,332
And it's never going anywhere.
180
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,626
Nothing is ever going to threaten it.
181
00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:24,336
- Oh, no.
- What?
182
00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:26,630
They're building
a candy systems and research superstore
183
00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:28,465
- directly across the street from us.
- (GASPS)
184
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,594
MOLLY: Oh, my god!
They'll put us out of business!
185
00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:35,806
Discovering this information
is a huge turn of events.
186
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:39,560
You weren't kidding.
Your story really is like a corny movie.
187
00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:41,937
I know.
The only difference is it's not a movie.
188
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,314
It's our real life.
189
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,443
So with a superstore going up
across the street,
190
00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:49,069
I went to go see my accountant.
191
00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:50,571
- Hi, Molly.
- Hi, Mr. flaps.
192
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,157
Oh, please.
My friends call me eggbert.
193
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:55,075
Then they must not
be very good friends.
194
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:58,162
No, that's just my name.
Eggbert. Or eggman, for short.
195
00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:01,707
I know. It's kind of a lame name,
but what can you do?
196
00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:03,000
(CHUCKLING)
197
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:04,293
How about we take a gander
at those documentos?
198
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,170
- Yes, please. (CLEARS THROAT)
- Right.
199
00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:13,719
So, Molly, how is your love life?
200
00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:17,014
You livin' la vida loca?
201
00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:19,808
Um, well, not really, eggman.
202
00:09:19,935 --> 00:09:22,228
I'm guessing you heard
that frank and I finally broke up.
203
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,063
I did hear. Yeah.
204
00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:26,106
I heard about your divorce.
I'm sorry.
205
00:09:26,608 --> 00:09:27,691
Apology accepted.
206
00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:30,569
- I...
- It's just one of those things.
207
00:09:30,654 --> 00:09:32,154
We wanted different things.
208
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:36,033
I wanted a family,
to settle down, start a life together.
209
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,743
- And what did she want?
- Who can say?
210
00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:39,620
I guess you'd have
to ask my brother.
211
00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:40,913
Oh.
212
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:47,044
Is he here?
Can I ask him?
213
00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:48,545
Yes. Keith.
214
00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:50,214
- You have a second?
- What's up?
215
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,216
Hey, Keith.
I was just wondering,
216
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:55,261
what did Hillary want that was different
than what eggbert wanted?
217
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:57,137
Uh, she just wanted to travel more,
218
00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,223
she wanted to focus on
her photo-journalism career.
219
00:09:59,307 --> 00:10:01,225
And marriage just
wasn't conducive to that.
220
00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:03,227
- Thanks, Keith.
- Thanks, Keith.
221
00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:07,106
Listen, I am lookin'
over these numbers,
222
00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:09,316
and just goin' off this data...
223
00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:12,987
- You have breast cancer.
- What?
224
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:14,655
Corporately speaking.
225
00:10:14,990 --> 00:10:16,490
Oh. Oh.
226
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:20,327
Your business has, at best,
six months to live.
227
00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:21,829
Oh, my god, are you serious?
228
00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:23,163
See for yourself.
229
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:26,125
Wow. You are serious.
230
00:10:26,209 --> 00:10:30,129
Listen, Molly,
would this be an awkward time
231
00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:34,466
to ask if maybe you'd like
to go out with me sometime?
232
00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:36,969
Um...
233
00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:39,263
Don't answer.
Just think about it.
234
00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:40,806
That's very sweet of you, eggfart,
235
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,309
but I think I'm just gonna
focus on me for now.
236
00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:47,855
Totally. You've gotta
take time for yourself, you know.
237
00:10:51,026 --> 00:10:52,735
I think maybe I should go...
238
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:54,862
No, please.
I think I'm gonna go...
239
00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:56,488
- Oh, you're gonna go?
- Yeah.
240
00:10:58,533 --> 00:11:00,951
JOEL: Before I proposed to Tiffany,
I wanted to run it by my buddies
241
00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:02,911
that I play ball with at the local playground.
242
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,747
They always tell it like it is.
243
00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:06,957
ALL: Basketball,
basketball, basketball...
244
00:11:07,042 --> 00:11:08,709
Hey, guys.
Looks like our buddy Joel here
245
00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:10,294
is finally gettin' ready
to pop the question.
246
00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:11,420
Pretty great, right?
247
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:14,465
Hey, don't ask me. I can hardly commit
to a second date half the time.
248
00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:16,383
If you know what I mean!
Watch out!
249
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:18,344
Swish!
250
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:21,096
I think love is really abstract, you know?
251
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:25,184
It's like a Summer breeze.
You can't see it, but you can feel it.
252
00:11:25,268 --> 00:11:26,310
(BOB CHUCKLING)
253
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:29,396
Mr. poet. Look at you,
always with your head in the clouds.
254
00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:32,733
Gloves make a poor present
for a man with no hands.
255
00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:33,984
BOB: Okay, that's enough.
256
00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:35,819
Come on.
Are you guys kiddin' me?
257
00:11:35,904 --> 00:11:39,198
The point of love is to get laid,
if you catch my meaning.
258
00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:42,409
And I'm talkin' about sexual intercourse.
Two points!
259
00:11:42,577 --> 00:11:43,577
TOMMY: Swish!
260
00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:47,748
Do not listen to Mr. chronically-single-
always-dating-some-new-hot-chick guy!
261
00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:50,501
Being married is great.
That's the point of view I represent.
262
00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:52,419
Deb and I have been
married for eight years,
263
00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,254
and it's better now
than when we first met.
264
00:11:55,507 --> 00:11:56,548
TOMMY: Swish!
265
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:59,551
Oh, okay, Mr. has-to-go-home-early-
'cause-he-can't-hang-out-with-the-boys-
266
00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:01,512
'cause-he's-gotta-
spend-time-with-his-wife guy.
267
00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:02,638
Yeah, that's right.
268
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:05,891
You get it now, Mr. combines-traits-
that-each-of-us-represents-
269
00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:09,228
and-all-you-need-to-do-is-put-it-all-together
- and-you'll-be-just-fine guy?
270
00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:12,189
You know what?
You guys make a lot of sense.
271
00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:13,941
I'm gonna go propose.
272
00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:17,152
TOMMY: Swish!
273
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,487
Hey, wait!
274
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:21,782
Thanks, guys.
275
00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:31,750
Hello?
276
00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:34,920
Tiffany?
277
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,881
(WOMAN MOANING)
278
00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:39,842
Hello?
279
00:12:40,552 --> 00:12:42,678
(MOANING CONTINUES)
280
00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:45,556
Hello?
281
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:47,891
Tiffany?
282
00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:51,520
(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
283
00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:53,647
Hello?
284
00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:59,278
Tiffany?
285
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:06,118
Hello?
286
00:13:06,578 --> 00:13:07,953
(MOANING AND CLATTERING)
287
00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:09,997
Ah! Tiffany?
288
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:11,290
Uh...
289
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:14,793
I've been thinking a lot
about our relationship.
290
00:13:14,878 --> 00:13:16,879
(MOANING LOUDLY)
291
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,089
- TIFFANY: Oh, like that.
- And
292
00:13:19,174 --> 00:13:21,884
I think we have hit that point where
293
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,427
it's time to talk about the next step.
294
00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:25,053
Oh, god! Oh, god!
295
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:26,763
A little nervous.
296
00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:33,103
Tiffany Amber thigpen,
will you marry me?
297
00:13:34,189 --> 00:13:35,856
- Joel?
- Tiffany?
298
00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:37,691
- Hey, Joel.
- Trevor?
299
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:41,945
Joel, I've been having
an affair with Trevor for over a year now.
300
00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:43,447
How could you do this to me?
301
00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:46,658
Look, I didn't want you to find out like this.
I can explain.
302
00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:48,452
It's not what it looks like.
303
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:50,704
Wait! Joel!
304
00:13:51,122 --> 00:13:52,289
Shit!
305
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,003
(SAXOPHONE PLAYING
MELLOW MUSIC)
306
00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:10,307
Taxi!
307
00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:15,646
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
308
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:20,901
Hey, give me another one.
And make it a double.
309
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,448
You look like you've had a bad day.
310
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,075
Yeah. Tell me about it.
311
00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:29,785
Well, you came in here looking like crap,
312
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,328
and you haven't said very much.
313
00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:32,663
You can say that again.
314
00:14:32,747 --> 00:14:34,665
Well, you came in here looking like crap,
315
00:14:34,749 --> 00:14:36,166
and you haven't said very much.
316
00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:37,626
Tell me about it.
317
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,878
Well, you came in here looking like crap,
318
00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:41,171
and you haven't said very much.
319
00:14:41,256 --> 00:14:42,673
Yeah, you can say that again.
320
00:14:42,757 --> 00:14:45,008
Well, you came in here looking like crap,
321
00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:46,218
and you haven't said very much.
322
00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:47,719
Tell me about it.
323
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:50,013
Well, you came in here looking like crap,
324
00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:51,265
and you haven't said very much.
325
00:14:51,349 --> 00:14:52,766
Yeah, you can say that again.
326
00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:55,018
Well, you came in here looking like crap,
327
00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:56,270
and you haven't said very much.
328
00:14:56,354 --> 00:14:57,813
Tell me about it.
329
00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,065
Well, you came in here looking like crap,
330
00:15:00,149 --> 00:15:01,358
and you haven't said very much.
331
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:02,901
Yeah, you can say that again.
332
00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:05,320
Well, you came in here looking like crap,
333
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:06,405
and you haven't said very much.
334
00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:07,781
Tell me about it.
335
00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:09,908
Well, you came in here looking like...
336
00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:11,285
Okay. We get the point.
337
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:13,870
So what happened next?
338
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,039
I was just devastated.
So the next morning
339
00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:18,875
I went for a jog with my crazy
younger brother, Jake.
340
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,712
JAKE: Huge bummer about Tiffany, bro'.
If you're really hurting
341
00:15:21,796 --> 00:15:23,672
I can stay at your place
for a few more months,
342
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:24,923
just to make sure you're okay.
343
00:15:25,008 --> 00:15:28,260
Little brother, when are you gonna
get your act together and get a job?
344
00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:31,555
I do have a job. I'm the president and ceo
of the bacon boot.
345
00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:33,348
We're the fastest-growing
edible boot company
346
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,058
in the whole entire country!
347
00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:37,644
Your bacon boot company consists of you
348
00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:40,731
and the business cards you printed up,
funded by yours truly.
349
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:44,484
Aw, for Pete's sake! Why are you always
tryin' to shoot me down, big brother?
350
00:15:44,569 --> 00:15:46,737
Look, I've gotta start somewhere, don't I?
351
00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:48,905
Hey, look, it's okay to dream big,
352
00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:50,699
but dreams aren't gonna
put cash in your pocket.
353
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,492
- Yes, but big brother...
- Hey, no "buts."
354
00:15:52,577 --> 00:15:55,329
Look, I have a dream, too.
I want to open my own coffee shop.
355
00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:58,290
But at least I understand
that money doesn't grow on trees.
356
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:00,667
What...
357
00:16:01,336 --> 00:16:04,630
It's not always so easy
when your big brother is Mr. perfect.
358
00:16:06,049 --> 00:16:07,841
Hey, wait up, would you?
359
00:16:08,885 --> 00:16:10,385
BOB: Joel, you're not gonna like this.
360
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,888
Roland gave Trevor the dickricker account.
361
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:16,099
And now you're the point person on
that new candy superstore venture.
362
00:16:16,392 --> 00:16:18,602
That rat! First he steals my girlfriend,
363
00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:20,354
then he steals the dickricker account!
364
00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:23,482
Oh, hey, Joel.
Sorry about the dickricker account.
365
00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:26,693
Looks like you won't be getting that
promotion after all. (CLICKS TONGUE)
366
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,362
Why don't you just take a jerk, you hike!
367
00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:31,698
Oh, and Tiffany wanted me to say hi.
We live together now.
368
00:16:31,783 --> 00:16:32,783
She really said hi?
369
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:35,952
What she actually said was,
"oh, god, Trevor, don't stop.
370
00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:38,080
"Your dick is so fat and greasy and amazing."
371
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:40,040
"Greasy and amazing,"
and then he went on to say,
372
00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:42,626
"Trevor, you have such a hot,
throbbing cock"
373
00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:44,169
"and I want to get all juicy on your cock."
374
00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:46,129
Okay, so when is the part where
the two of you meet?
375
00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:48,507
Ah, right. That was the same day that I got
376
00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:50,592
- a phone call from my best friend, Brenda.
- (PHONE RINGING)
377
00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:52,469
- Hello?
- BRENDA: Hi, Molly.
378
00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:54,262
I just wanted to tell you
that Bob and I are
379
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,431
having a Halloween party on Saturday,
380
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:59,935
and the fun part is, Bob's inviting
a friend of his who's the triple crown,
381
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,771
he's straight, single and cute.
You should totally come.
382
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,523
Plus Brenda's bringing a friend
who's apparently
383
00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,274
very cute and very single.
384
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,569
(SIGHS) I don't know, Bob.
I'll tell you, Halloween scares me.
385
00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:12,030
Ghosts I'm fine with,
ghouls and goblins, not so much.
386
00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:14,324
You're full of it, buddy.
I'll see you at the party.
387
00:17:14,409 --> 00:17:17,285
All right. Look, Bob.
Here's the real truth.
388
00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:21,623
About three years ago, I was attacked
by a group of trick-or-treat-ers.
389
00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:23,458
About 30 of them.
390
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:28,004
They pinned me down, and they said,
391
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:32,759
"dick or teat?"
392
00:17:32,844 --> 00:17:35,762
It was obviously a play on,
you know, "trick or treat?"
393
00:17:36,264 --> 00:17:37,264
Yeah.
394
00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:40,058
They made me choose between
their dicks and their teats.
395
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:41,852
It was awful.
396
00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:45,272
Joel, I know that.
It was all over the news that year.
397
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:48,734
But come on, man.
You've gotta get over it, buddy.
398
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,571
Let me think about it, okay?
399
00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:54,114
Yeah.
400
00:17:54,282 --> 00:17:55,824
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
401
00:17:57,827 --> 00:18:00,036
JAKE: It's Halloween, Joel.
Why don't you go to that party?
402
00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:02,831
I'm just not into
the whole "Halloween costume" thing.
403
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,082
You know, I mean, what's the point?
404
00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:05,876
You go to a party,
people say, "who are you?"
405
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,420
I say, "I'm Ben Franklin,"
and they go, "great!"
406
00:18:09,839 --> 00:18:11,006
And then you're you again.
407
00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:14,426
Except now I've got knickers and a bald cap.
And for what?
408
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,470
Because it's fun, Joel.
409
00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:18,305
Forget it. I'm not going.
410
00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:21,683
MOLLY: I don't know, Wanda.
I just don't think
411
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:23,143
I can go to that Halloween party.
412
00:18:23,227 --> 00:18:26,605
And what if I see frank?
And Mia, the yoga teacher?
413
00:18:26,689 --> 00:18:28,982
You can't let stupid
old frank run your life.
414
00:18:29,317 --> 00:18:31,693
You've gotta go to that party
and you gotta be fierce!
415
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:34,404
But even if I wanted to go to the party,
I don't have a costume.
416
00:18:34,489 --> 00:18:36,823
Well, guess what?
You do now,
417
00:18:36,908 --> 00:18:38,241
because you can have my costume.
418
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:39,326
(LAUGHS)
419
00:18:39,410 --> 00:18:41,369
Oh, my god, Wanda!
Thank you!
420
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:43,663
No. Thank you.
421
00:18:44,415 --> 00:18:45,499
You're welcome.
422
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:49,127
Now, get out of here!
I got a party to go to!
423
00:18:52,507 --> 00:18:53,715
MOLLY: Wait!
424
00:18:54,884 --> 00:18:55,884
Thanks.
425
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,179
Wait!
426
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,057
Shit.
427
00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:05,268
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
428
00:19:21,702 --> 00:19:22,702
(GROANS)
429
00:19:23,538 --> 00:19:24,621
My bobbing apples!
430
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:26,039
My party tomatoes!
431
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:28,458
Watch where you're going!
432
00:19:28,543 --> 00:19:29,876
Like it was my fault!
433
00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:31,878
Yeah, well,
I didn't run into myself.
434
00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:33,713
Wow. You're rude.
435
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:35,799
You're a jerk.
436
00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:38,343
Look mister thang, you bumped into me.
437
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:40,303
- Hardly.
- Oh, please!
438
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,514
You're so lucky
that I am late for a party right now
439
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:45,058
where my friends are gonna introduce
me to an exciting new woman!
440
00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:46,810
Let me tell you something.
I'm about to go to a party
441
00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:50,230
where I'm gonna meet
an exciting new guy! So see you later.
442
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:51,898
Yeah, see you never!
443
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,068
Well, I'm going this way,
so see you later!
444
00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:56,611
I'll see you later.
I'm going this way.
445
00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:01,658
Oh, great! Your party is
in the same building as mine.
446
00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:03,827
Well, luckily, we will be
separating momentarily
447
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:05,078
when we go to our different parties.
448
00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:06,288
Luckily, yes.
449
00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:11,418
Oh, great. Looks like
our parties are on the same floor, too.
450
00:20:11,502 --> 00:20:13,044
Talk about bad luck.
451
00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:14,462
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
452
00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:22,679
BOTH: Oh, god damn it!
453
00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:24,681
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
454
00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:26,516
- Joel!
- Molly!
455
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,643
- They came together.
- Oh.
456
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,312
BOTH: No, we didn't.
457
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:31,438
Nice. Come on.
458
00:20:45,036 --> 00:20:47,037
So, I guess you guys
already met, huh?
459
00:20:47,121 --> 00:20:48,914
Unfortunately, yes.
460
00:20:48,998 --> 00:20:50,707
To my great chagrin.
461
00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:55,211
Chagrin?
Who even says that?
462
00:20:56,130 --> 00:20:57,255
Uh, Roland!
463
00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:58,757
(BOB CHUCKLES)
464
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:01,676
- Hello, man.
- Oh. How did you know?
465
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:03,011
Great costume!
466
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,304
Thanks. Yours, too.
467
00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:05,388
Vampires.
468
00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:07,766
Where's the bathroom?
469
00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:10,143
Oh, yeah.
Straight through that door on the right.
470
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:13,772
- Yeah. I think I ate something weird.
- Don't worry.
471
00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:19,319
(LOCK CLICKS)
472
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:30,205
(WHIMPERS)
473
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:32,332
Who designed these stupid things?
474
00:21:34,085 --> 00:21:37,629
No, no, no, no...
475
00:21:38,255 --> 00:21:41,257
So, uh, what do you do?
476
00:21:42,426 --> 00:21:45,220
I'm an entrepreneur.
I own my own business.
477
00:21:45,805 --> 00:21:48,640
I'm a development exec
over at candy systems and research.
478
00:21:49,517 --> 00:21:50,558
You ever heard of it?
479
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:53,603
Candy systems and research? Csr?
480
00:21:53,688 --> 00:21:54,980
Yeah. What of it?
481
00:21:55,064 --> 00:21:56,189
(SCOFFS)
482
00:21:56,482 --> 00:21:57,691
Unbelievable.
483
00:21:58,943 --> 00:22:00,902
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
484
00:22:00,987 --> 00:22:02,737
How do you sleep at night?
485
00:22:03,823 --> 00:22:07,283
Usually I'll Jack off,
and then I can sleep pretty soundly.
486
00:22:09,370 --> 00:22:11,204
(CRYING)
487
00:22:14,542 --> 00:22:15,792
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
488
00:22:16,210 --> 00:22:18,044
El bano esta ocupado!
489
00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:23,717
(GROANS)
490
00:22:25,553 --> 00:22:26,803
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
491
00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:31,182
So, um, Bob tells me
you're an amateur birdwatcher.
492
00:22:34,228 --> 00:22:35,895
What's your favorite bird?
493
00:22:36,939 --> 00:22:38,231
The Turkey.
494
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:41,443
Good.
495
00:22:42,069 --> 00:22:45,697
Do you watch a lot of TV?
What's your favorite show?
496
00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:48,867
I don't watch TV.
I think it brutalizes the senses.
497
00:22:49,076 --> 00:22:50,410
Okay.
498
00:22:51,245 --> 00:22:53,705
I can see this is going nowhere fast.
499
00:22:56,250 --> 00:22:57,625
(BOTH MOUTHING)
500
00:23:00,504 --> 00:23:01,504
So, uh, Molly...
501
00:23:01,589 --> 00:23:03,548
Listen, before you ask me
any more questions
502
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:06,426
from the icebreaker handbook,
here's the 411.
503
00:23:06,719 --> 00:23:09,888
Upper sweet side, NYC.
Does the name ring a bell?
504
00:23:10,264 --> 00:23:12,015
- Yeah. Little candy shop?
- Ding! Ding! Ding!
505
00:23:12,099 --> 00:23:13,767
Give the man a prize.
He's a winner!
506
00:23:13,851 --> 00:23:15,727
"What has he won, Johnny?"
"A new car!"
507
00:23:15,811 --> 00:23:18,646
Yes, that is my store.
And I put my whole life into it.
508
00:23:18,731 --> 00:23:20,190
- (SNEEZES)
- JOEL: Molly, I had no idea.
509
00:23:20,274 --> 00:23:22,400
MOLLY: The only line you care about
is the bottom line.
510
00:23:22,485 --> 00:23:24,527
Look, are you the kind
of person that I feel
511
00:23:24,612 --> 00:23:25,695
a strong connection to?
Yes.
512
00:23:25,780 --> 00:23:27,363
Do I find you cute and funny? Yes.
513
00:23:27,448 --> 00:23:30,408
Could you be the guy that
I could fall for and live with forever? Yes.
514
00:23:30,493 --> 00:23:32,827
But the point is,
you're a corporate robot.
515
00:23:32,912 --> 00:23:35,955
And so, it is with great pleasure
that I say to you,
516
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:37,290
go jump in a lake, meathead!
517
00:23:37,875 --> 00:23:39,292
(ALL GASPING)
518
00:23:41,128 --> 00:23:42,670
Molly! Wait, Molly!
519
00:23:43,631 --> 00:23:44,798
(DOOR SLAMS)
520
00:23:45,132 --> 00:23:46,174
Shit.
521
00:23:51,097 --> 00:23:53,139
I'll have what she's having.
(CHUCKLES)
522
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,560
You are having what she's having.
It's all the same food.
523
00:23:58,312 --> 00:24:00,605
The pasta and the beans
and the lentils.
524
00:24:03,818 --> 00:24:05,318
(DOOR OPENS)
525
00:24:05,820 --> 00:24:06,986
(DOOR CLOSES)
526
00:24:07,613 --> 00:24:08,780
Hey, Roland?
527
00:24:09,782 --> 00:24:11,866
You wanna tell me
why your super-hero costume
528
00:24:11,951 --> 00:24:14,661
is lyin' on the bathroom floor
filled with shit?
529
00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:17,247
What?
530
00:24:17,331 --> 00:24:19,332
Oh, my god.
What did you do?
531
00:24:20,543 --> 00:24:21,876
I didn't do anything.
532
00:24:21,961 --> 00:24:24,671
You shit your pants.
And then you took a shower.
533
00:24:25,089 --> 00:24:27,549
And you just left your costume
lyin' on the floor, didn't you?
534
00:24:27,633 --> 00:24:28,633
Did not!
535
00:24:28,717 --> 00:24:30,135
Roland, that is disgusting!
536
00:24:30,219 --> 00:24:32,762
Whoa. Wait a minute.
Let me explain.
537
00:24:35,266 --> 00:24:39,686
My costume was
itching me, so I went into the bathroom
538
00:24:40,229 --> 00:24:44,357
and changed into
Mr. taking-a-shower-guy costume
539
00:24:44,441 --> 00:24:46,734
and just left the costume in there.
540
00:24:46,819 --> 00:24:48,862
Why is there shit
all over the washcloths, too?
541
00:24:48,946 --> 00:24:50,488
The washcloths are just for show!
542
00:24:50,573 --> 00:24:52,615
- Those are brand new washcloths.
- Oh.
543
00:24:52,700 --> 00:24:54,284
The only thing I can guess
544
00:24:55,161 --> 00:24:59,706
is somebody else
must have gone into the bathroom,
545
00:25:00,291 --> 00:25:04,002
put my costume on, shit in it,
546
00:25:04,879 --> 00:25:06,004
and left it there.
547
00:25:06,714 --> 00:25:10,383
That is the only
logical explanation.
548
00:25:13,846 --> 00:25:15,013
All right,
549
00:25:15,389 --> 00:25:17,807
which one of you people
went into the bathroom
550
00:25:17,892 --> 00:25:19,809
put my costume on,
and shit in it?
551
00:25:24,273 --> 00:25:26,399
Wow. I'm disappointed
in you people.
552
00:25:27,151 --> 00:25:28,151
(DOOR OPENS)
553
00:25:28,861 --> 00:25:30,236
I gotta go.
554
00:25:32,198 --> 00:25:34,282
I'm disgusted with everyone.
555
00:25:38,954 --> 00:25:40,830
Who do you think it was?
556
00:25:42,791 --> 00:25:44,834
So, what did you think of Molly?
557
00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:47,629
What a nightmare! God!
558
00:25:47,713 --> 00:25:50,340
Yeah, she's attractive
and smart and funny.
559
00:25:50,424 --> 00:25:51,883
She's exactly the type of person
560
00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:53,384
I could see myself
falling in love with.
561
00:25:53,469 --> 00:25:55,094
But boy, with an attitude like that,
562
00:25:55,179 --> 00:25:56,721
it's no wonder she can't find a date.
563
00:25:57,473 --> 00:25:58,598
Molly.
564
00:26:02,645 --> 00:26:04,437
Wait! He didn't mean what...
565
00:26:07,608 --> 00:26:08,858
Shit.
566
00:26:09,526 --> 00:26:11,486
So it wasn't love at first sight, was it?
567
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:13,655
Are you really asking us that?
568
00:26:13,739 --> 00:26:15,031
Were you not listening to the story?
569
00:26:15,115 --> 00:26:17,408
No, I'm...
(STAMMERS) Forget it.
570
00:26:18,744 --> 00:26:22,247
Anyway, after that debacle,
I assumed I'd never see him again.
571
00:26:22,331 --> 00:26:25,917
But then, a few days later,
I was browsing in my favorite used bookshop
572
00:26:26,001 --> 00:26:27,919
and guess who was there?
573
00:26:29,380 --> 00:26:30,463
Who?
574
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:32,924
Joel.
575
00:26:33,217 --> 00:26:34,259
Me.
576
00:26:35,678 --> 00:26:36,970
(GASPS) Wanda, that's him!
577
00:26:37,763 --> 00:26:40,348
That's the jerk I met
at Bob and Brenda's Halloween party.
578
00:26:41,433 --> 00:26:43,726
Oh, lordy.
Ooh, this could get ugly.
579
00:26:45,020 --> 00:26:46,354
- Hey.
- Hi.
580
00:26:46,855 --> 00:26:47,897
Howdy.
581
00:26:47,982 --> 00:26:51,484
Hi. Again.
What are you doing here?
582
00:26:51,944 --> 00:26:54,862
What am I doing here?
Looking for a book. What are you doing here?
583
00:26:54,947 --> 00:26:56,656
I'm a regular here.
584
00:26:56,740 --> 00:26:59,367
Yeah. Regular beanbag.
(CHUCKLES)
585
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:00,827
You know,
maybe you'd feel more comfortable
586
00:27:00,911 --> 00:27:03,538
in a corporate mega-bookstore chain
like brams and nerbils.
587
00:27:03,622 --> 00:27:04,747
Why don't you just calm down.
588
00:27:04,832 --> 00:27:07,250
Don't tell me to calm down!
What if I don't want to calm down?
589
00:27:07,334 --> 00:27:08,584
Stop trying to fix me!
590
00:27:08,669 --> 00:27:11,754
Okay. I'm going to step out
of the crossfire here.
591
00:27:11,839 --> 00:27:13,589
Yeah. Me, too.
592
00:27:14,300 --> 00:27:15,967
Look, missy,
my brother and I are here
593
00:27:16,051 --> 00:27:17,343
to buy something for our bubby.
594
00:27:17,428 --> 00:27:19,470
Oh, your... bubby?
595
00:27:19,805 --> 00:27:21,764
Yeah. My bubby.
My grandmother.
596
00:27:23,267 --> 00:27:25,893
I had a grandmother.
Her name was Arlene crabtree.
597
00:27:26,603 --> 00:27:29,022
She died recently.
We were very close.
598
00:27:29,898 --> 00:27:31,232
I'm sorry for your loss.
599
00:27:31,317 --> 00:27:32,525
Thank you.
600
00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:37,447
Can I help you find
something for your bubby?
601
00:27:37,698 --> 00:27:41,492
Well, uh, I'm looking
for maybe a fiction book.
602
00:27:42,494 --> 00:27:44,620
You like fiction books?
603
00:27:44,830 --> 00:27:46,706
Just because I work
for a big corporation
604
00:27:46,790 --> 00:27:48,249
doesn't mean I don't
like fiction books.
605
00:27:48,334 --> 00:27:50,501
In fact, fiction books
is one of my favorite kinds of books.
606
00:27:50,586 --> 00:27:51,627
You have to be kidding me!
607
00:27:51,712 --> 00:27:53,046
Do you like fiction?
608
00:27:53,130 --> 00:27:55,131
Like it?
Try "love it"!
609
00:27:55,215 --> 00:27:57,050
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, my god. That's crazy!
610
00:27:57,134 --> 00:27:59,969
I've never met anyone
else who likes fiction!
611
00:28:00,054 --> 00:28:01,929
That is too funny.
612
00:28:02,014 --> 00:28:03,765
- That is literally too funny.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING)
613
00:28:07,519 --> 00:28:08,644
Well, uh...
614
00:28:10,689 --> 00:28:12,190
I should probably get going.
615
00:28:12,274 --> 00:28:15,401
Yeah, sure.
We've got... I've got books...
616
00:28:16,195 --> 00:28:18,112
Yeah. All right.
617
00:28:20,824 --> 00:28:22,617
- Joel, wait!
- Hmm. Yeah?
618
00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:25,244
I might have judged you
too harshly at the party.
619
00:28:25,746 --> 00:28:26,871
I know this sounds crazy,
620
00:28:26,955 --> 00:28:28,998
but would you like to have
a me of coffee with cup?
621
00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:31,542
What?
622
00:28:32,086 --> 00:28:34,462
Do you want a cup
of me with koo-fie?
623
00:28:35,214 --> 00:28:38,132
Would you like to have a cup
of moffie with kee? With me.
624
00:28:38,217 --> 00:28:39,509
A cup of coffee.
With hoo.
625
00:28:39,593 --> 00:28:41,094
What the fuck are you saying?
626
00:28:41,178 --> 00:28:42,970
Do you want to have coffee with me?
627
00:28:43,722 --> 00:28:46,849
I think you're asking me
if I'd like to have a cup of coffee with you.
628
00:28:46,934 --> 00:28:49,936
Yes. Thank you.
That's what I'm trying to ask.
629
00:28:50,020 --> 00:28:51,187
(CHUCKLING)
630
00:28:51,271 --> 00:28:52,563
Coffee sounds great.
631
00:28:52,981 --> 00:28:54,023
Half-caf decaf.
632
00:28:54,108 --> 00:28:56,150
No foam,
hold the foam, no cream...
633
00:28:56,235 --> 00:28:58,069
What happened to just
a good old fashioned cup of coffee?
634
00:28:58,153 --> 00:28:59,737
I know.
It's all so confusing!
635
00:28:59,822 --> 00:29:01,697
It is! It is so confusé.
636
00:29:01,782 --> 00:29:03,199
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
637
00:29:03,283 --> 00:29:05,118
That's how you say "confusing" in France.
638
00:29:11,458 --> 00:29:12,834
What are we doin'?
639
00:29:12,918 --> 00:29:15,044
Oh, my god, this is
all happening so fast.
640
00:29:17,464 --> 00:29:18,714
I can't.
641
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:21,175
My aunt flo is visiting.
642
00:29:21,510 --> 00:29:23,052
You're on your period?
643
00:29:23,679 --> 00:29:26,097
No. My aunt flo is
visiting me from Florida.
644
00:29:27,141 --> 00:29:28,224
Hey, aunt flo.
645
00:29:31,603 --> 00:29:33,729
How about we get that coffee, huh?
646
00:29:41,822 --> 00:29:43,197
So what will you have?
647
00:29:43,365 --> 00:29:46,659
Um, I'll have a low-fat,
sugar-free banana yogurt muffin.
648
00:29:46,743 --> 00:29:48,202
- Okay.
- But if they don't have that,
649
00:29:48,287 --> 00:29:49,537
I'll have half a poppy-seed muffin,
650
00:29:49,621 --> 00:29:51,831
if they can take out
all the poppy seeds and heat it up.
651
00:29:51,915 --> 00:29:52,915
- Okay.
- Hold on!
652
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:55,543
If they can't heat it up,
then leave half the poppy seeds in
653
00:29:55,627 --> 00:29:57,044
and sprinkle
the other half of the poppy seeds
654
00:29:57,129 --> 00:29:58,337
on one half of a blueberry muffin
655
00:29:58,422 --> 00:30:01,048
and then cut both
halves in half, and throw them both away.
656
00:30:01,467 --> 00:30:02,884
- Oh.
- In either scenario,
657
00:30:02,968 --> 00:30:05,094
I want a lemon-chocolate loaf,
but this is very important,
658
00:30:05,179 --> 00:30:06,846
it must be shrink-wrapped.
And more importantly,
659
00:30:06,930 --> 00:30:09,348
it must smell more like lemon
than chocolate. Got it?
660
00:30:09,516 --> 00:30:11,476
(CHUCKLES)
That's how you order a muffin?
661
00:30:11,935 --> 00:30:14,312
What? I want things
the way I want them.
662
00:30:15,063 --> 00:30:17,732
You're pretty adorable
when you get all fussy like that.
663
00:30:18,984 --> 00:30:20,318
SERVER: May I help who's next?
664
00:30:20,402 --> 00:30:25,031
Yes. Okay, so she'll have a low-fat,
sugar-free banana yogurt muffin.
665
00:30:25,115 --> 00:30:27,158
If you don't have that,
then half of a poppy-seed muffin
666
00:30:27,242 --> 00:30:29,035
with the poppy seeds
taken out and heated up.
667
00:30:29,119 --> 00:30:32,079
If you can't heat it up,
then take half the poppy seeds out
668
00:30:32,164 --> 00:30:33,539
and sprinkle the other half on top
669
00:30:33,624 --> 00:30:34,957
of the half of a blueberry muffin,
670
00:30:35,042 --> 00:30:37,126
cut both halves in half,
and then throw them both away.
671
00:30:37,211 --> 00:30:39,545
In either scenario,
she'll have a lemon-chocolate loaf,
672
00:30:39,630 --> 00:30:40,755
but, and this is really important,
673
00:30:40,839 --> 00:30:43,132
only if it's shrink-wrapped.
And even more importantly,
674
00:30:43,217 --> 00:30:45,092
if it smells more like
lemon than chocolate.
675
00:30:45,177 --> 00:30:46,552
And I'll have a coffee, please.
676
00:30:46,637 --> 00:30:47,637
Great.
677
00:30:47,721 --> 00:30:49,096
Coffee to number three!
678
00:30:54,478 --> 00:30:55,686
Who are you?
679
00:30:57,648 --> 00:30:59,148
- You know what I like?
- What?
680
00:30:59,233 --> 00:31:00,441
Q-tips.
681
00:31:00,943 --> 00:31:02,443
- Me, too.
- You do?
682
00:31:02,528 --> 00:31:04,654
The kind with
the pieces of cotton at each end?
683
00:31:04,738 --> 00:31:06,489
Yeah, those are the only kind I know.
684
00:31:06,573 --> 00:31:07,657
What's your favorite color?
685
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,243
Blue.
What's your favorite TV show?
686
00:31:10,327 --> 00:31:11,577
Oh, god, you know which
one I can't stand,
687
00:31:11,662 --> 00:31:13,996
but watch all the time
and kind of love secretly?
688
00:31:14,081 --> 00:31:16,249
(MIMICKING ROBIN LEACH)
"Lifestyles of the rich and famous."
689
00:31:16,375 --> 00:31:17,375
(LAUGHING)
690
00:31:17,459 --> 00:31:19,835
Look at these two right here.
"Hey, look. I got a brand new phone."
691
00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:22,421
"What is that, an iPhone?"
"Yeah, I've gotta go to the apple store..."
692
00:31:22,506 --> 00:31:24,507
- You're good at that.
- "...And wait in line."
693
00:31:24,591 --> 00:31:26,342
Communism could work.
It really could.
694
00:31:26,426 --> 00:31:28,010
But what they're doing now
isn't communism,
695
00:31:28,387 --> 00:31:30,972
it's totalitarianism
dressed up as communism.
696
00:31:31,974 --> 00:31:32,974
I agree.
697
00:31:33,058 --> 00:31:34,642
Have you ever given
yourself a pap smear?
698
00:31:34,726 --> 00:31:35,685
No.
699
00:31:35,769 --> 00:31:37,061
I was just...
Because of the q-tips.
700
00:31:37,145 --> 00:31:39,021
Mmm. That's sweet.
701
00:31:39,106 --> 00:31:40,898
- Let me try it.
- All right, you go.
702
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:42,483
"Hey..."
703
00:31:44,111 --> 00:31:45,111
I can't do it.
704
00:31:45,195 --> 00:31:48,030
You know, I have a dream
that someday I wanna
705
00:31:48,115 --> 00:31:49,782
have my own coffee place,
706
00:31:50,409 --> 00:31:52,285
"a cup of Joel."
707
00:31:52,369 --> 00:31:53,828
You know, as in "cup of Joe",
708
00:31:53,912 --> 00:31:55,371
but I would say "Joel".
709
00:31:55,455 --> 00:31:57,206
- Right.
- Because everyone knows "cup of Joe",
710
00:31:57,291 --> 00:31:59,166
but it's "cup of Joel"
because my name is Joel.
711
00:31:59,251 --> 00:32:01,294
- Smart. I get it.
- So Joel instead of Joe.
712
00:32:01,670 --> 00:32:04,714
I don't know.
It's probably just wishful thinking, right?
713
00:32:04,798 --> 00:32:06,257
It's kind of stupid.
714
00:32:06,341 --> 00:32:08,593
No! It's not stupid, it's great!
You should do that.
715
00:32:09,094 --> 00:32:11,554
Tiffany always said
that was a dumb idea.
716
00:32:11,638 --> 00:32:14,098
Well, I don't know Tiffany,
but she sounds like a stupid bitch.
717
00:32:14,308 --> 00:32:15,683
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
718
00:32:16,476 --> 00:32:17,518
Uh...
719
00:32:18,645 --> 00:32:19,645
Forget it.
720
00:32:19,730 --> 00:32:20,730
- What?
- No, I...
721
00:32:20,814 --> 00:32:22,231
No. Come on, tell me.
722
00:32:22,316 --> 00:32:23,482
Are you hungry?
723
00:32:23,567 --> 00:32:25,818
Hungry?
Why don't you try "starving."
724
00:32:26,528 --> 00:32:28,571
Why don't I have you over for dinner.
725
00:32:28,655 --> 00:32:30,656
I'll make my world-famous
Mac 'n cheese.
726
00:32:31,992 --> 00:32:32,992
'Kay.
727
00:32:33,660 --> 00:32:35,786
I like how you say "'kay."
728
00:32:36,038 --> 00:32:38,664
I like how you say,
"I like how you say "kay."'
729
00:32:48,925 --> 00:32:49,925
(CHUCKLING)
730
00:32:50,010 --> 00:32:53,012
Molly, where have you been?
I've been worried sick.
731
00:32:53,096 --> 00:32:54,096
Who are you?
732
00:32:54,181 --> 00:32:56,474
Joel, this is
my older sister, Katherine.
733
00:32:56,558 --> 00:32:58,434
- Katherine, this is Joel.
- Hi.
734
00:32:58,518 --> 00:33:01,187
Don't "hi" me, Joel.
You're just like all the others.
735
00:33:01,271 --> 00:33:02,938
Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.
736
00:33:03,565 --> 00:33:05,316
- Hi, mommy.
- Hi!
737
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:06,442
You have a kid?
738
00:33:06,526 --> 00:33:08,778
Don't worry, Joel.
His dad's out of the picture.
739
00:33:08,862 --> 00:33:11,405
He's doing t-l-m-e in jail.
740
00:33:12,032 --> 00:33:14,033
Tucker, this is my friend, Joel.
741
00:33:14,284 --> 00:33:16,786
Hi, Mr. Joel.
Are you my new daddy?
742
00:33:16,870 --> 00:33:17,870
Oh! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
743
00:33:18,288 --> 00:33:21,540
Hey, buddy,
I see you've got on some pokémon pajamas.
744
00:33:21,625 --> 00:33:22,708
Yeah.
745
00:33:23,377 --> 00:33:25,419
My favorite one is smeargle.
You know why?
746
00:33:25,504 --> 00:33:28,130
Because he can defend
butterfree's hyper reverse attack
747
00:33:28,215 --> 00:33:29,882
with two double
colorless energy cards
748
00:33:29,966 --> 00:33:31,467
and only get 10 damage points.
749
00:33:31,551 --> 00:33:34,261
You know about pokémon?
You're cool, Mr. Joel!
750
00:33:34,346 --> 00:33:35,805
I think you're cool, Tucker.
751
00:33:35,889 --> 00:33:37,973
What is... wait a minute.
752
00:33:38,058 --> 00:33:40,184
What is that in your ear?
What?
753
00:33:41,228 --> 00:33:42,269
That's for you.
754
00:33:42,771 --> 00:33:44,647
Wow! A cheeseburger, mommy!
755
00:33:44,731 --> 00:33:46,816
Wow! Go eat that in bed.
756
00:33:47,234 --> 00:33:49,235
Goodnight, mom.
Goodnight, daddy.
757
00:33:51,405 --> 00:33:52,738
I mean "Joel".
758
00:33:53,156 --> 00:33:54,156
Oh!
759
00:33:57,244 --> 00:33:58,744
Oh.
760
00:34:01,623 --> 00:34:03,374
I think he likes you.
761
00:34:03,458 --> 00:34:05,084
I think I like him.
762
00:34:06,628 --> 00:34:08,796
Dinner was delicious, Molly.
763
00:34:10,257 --> 00:34:12,133
Here. A little chilly...
764
00:34:14,177 --> 00:34:15,678
Joel, can I tell you something?
765
00:34:15,762 --> 00:34:17,012
Sure. What is it?
766
00:34:17,931 --> 00:34:21,183
If I was ever about to marry someone,
and then realized
767
00:34:21,268 --> 00:34:24,186
that I didn't want to do it,
you know where I would go?
768
00:34:24,271 --> 00:34:27,898
Ah, random guess, but Boston?
769
00:34:28,358 --> 00:34:30,651
No. The Brooklyn promenade.
770
00:34:30,861 --> 00:34:32,027
Where I can look out over the city.
771
00:34:32,112 --> 00:34:33,362
It's very comforting.
772
00:34:33,447 --> 00:34:34,530
What you're saying to me is that
773
00:34:34,614 --> 00:34:35,698
if you were to ever get married
774
00:34:35,782 --> 00:34:37,074
and then decide at the last minute
775
00:34:37,159 --> 00:34:38,367
that you didn't want to marry that person
776
00:34:38,452 --> 00:34:40,035
you would go to the Brooklyn promenade.
777
00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:41,370
Yes. You see where
I'm going with this?
778
00:34:41,455 --> 00:34:42,955
I think so. Yeah.
779
00:34:43,540 --> 00:34:45,040
I believe in fate, Joel.
780
00:34:45,667 --> 00:34:47,042
And if we are meant to be together,
781
00:34:47,127 --> 00:34:48,335
then we will be.
782
00:34:49,546 --> 00:34:50,546
Hi.
783
00:34:50,630 --> 00:34:51,756
Hey.
784
00:34:52,340 --> 00:34:53,883
I can't do this.
785
00:34:53,967 --> 00:34:54,925
Why? What did I do?
786
00:34:55,010 --> 00:34:56,010
I'm sorry.
787
00:34:56,094 --> 00:35:00,514
It's just that Tiffany, my ex, used to say
that exact same thing to me.
788
00:35:00,974 --> 00:35:02,475
She used to say "hey"?
789
00:35:03,059 --> 00:35:04,143
Yeah.
790
00:35:04,227 --> 00:35:06,771
And I'm not so sure
I'm ready for this kind of thing...
791
00:35:06,855 --> 00:35:09,273
No, I understand.
I didn't want to kiss you anyway.
792
00:35:09,357 --> 00:35:12,735
I like you. It's just
the way you said "hey" like that...
793
00:35:12,819 --> 00:35:13,986
Goodnight, Joel.
794
00:35:14,070 --> 00:35:15,196
JOEL: Hey, no, look, Molly...
795
00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:16,530
Molly, wait... look.
796
00:35:16,615 --> 00:35:18,866
I think you're great.
I just need a little time.
797
00:35:18,950 --> 00:35:21,285
You think you're
the only person that's ever been hurt?
798
00:35:21,369 --> 00:35:24,371
Do you think it was easy for me
to watch frank go downward dog
799
00:35:24,456 --> 00:35:27,333
on the yoga instructor
while they were lying on my mat?
800
00:35:27,417 --> 00:35:29,251
- My mat, Joel.
- I didn't know.
801
00:35:29,336 --> 00:35:30,377
You don't know anything!
802
00:35:30,462 --> 00:35:33,005
I can't even do yoga anymore.
I only do pilates.
803
00:35:34,007 --> 00:35:35,007
Good night.
804
00:35:35,467 --> 00:35:36,509
Molly...
805
00:35:37,385 --> 00:35:38,719
Molly, wait!
806
00:35:41,848 --> 00:35:43,015
Shit!
807
00:35:49,731 --> 00:35:53,192
JOEL: I knew at that very moment
that I had screwed up big-time.
808
00:35:54,194 --> 00:35:56,487
And then walking home,
I had this realization
809
00:35:57,113 --> 00:36:00,282
that my inability to open
my dream coffee shop was in many ways
810
00:36:00,367 --> 00:36:03,202
a metaphor for my inability
to follow through in my romantic life.
811
00:36:03,328 --> 00:36:04,328
Ah.
812
00:36:04,412 --> 00:36:06,997
And once I figured that out,
I didn't want to waste another moment
813
00:36:07,082 --> 00:36:10,125
before rushing back
to Molly and asking for another chance.
814
00:36:10,210 --> 00:36:11,252
So that's what you did?
815
00:36:11,336 --> 00:36:12,628
Not right away.
This buddy of mine
816
00:36:12,712 --> 00:36:13,963
who was super into boogie-boarding
817
00:36:14,047 --> 00:36:16,090
invited me down to
his place in Miami to check it out,
818
00:36:16,174 --> 00:36:17,508
so I went down there for the weekend.
819
00:36:17,634 --> 00:36:20,219
But as soon as I got back,
I headed straight to Molly's store.
820
00:36:20,303 --> 00:36:21,720
I didn't want to screw it up again,
821
00:36:21,805 --> 00:36:24,014
so I practiced what
I was going to say until it was perfect.
822
00:36:24,099 --> 00:36:26,058
Hey Molly,
I had such a great time the other night.
823
00:36:26,142 --> 00:36:28,727
I'm sorry I got weird
there at the end. I was just so...
824
00:36:29,396 --> 00:36:31,730
I was just so hamburgies
and hotdoggies.
825
00:36:33,692 --> 00:36:35,985
No, that sounds stupid.
That sounds so stupid.
826
00:36:36,486 --> 00:36:39,071
Hey Molly,
I had a great time the other night.
827
00:36:39,155 --> 00:36:41,323
Sorry it got weird at the end there.
828
00:36:41,408 --> 00:36:44,535
I've been going through a lot recently,
and I was just feeling all...
829
00:36:44,619 --> 00:36:45,870
Green beans!
830
00:36:47,163 --> 00:36:50,457
No! Hey, Molly. Pancakey.
831
00:36:50,834 --> 00:36:53,919
Molly! I think your friend Joel is here.
832
00:36:54,087 --> 00:36:56,839
And it looks like
he's rehearsing an apology speech.
833
00:36:56,923 --> 00:37:00,426
Oh, no, Wanda!
I look terrible! I look like a chimney sweep.
834
00:37:00,510 --> 00:37:02,177
Okay, quick! I'll help you
find something better.
835
00:37:02,262 --> 00:37:03,429
Come on, let's hurry, then!
836
00:37:13,940 --> 00:37:14,940
Molly?
837
00:37:17,986 --> 00:37:19,445
Guess she's not here.
838
00:37:30,290 --> 00:37:32,249
Is that you?
Hey, Joel, I...
839
00:37:33,627 --> 00:37:35,085
Where'd he go?
840
00:37:36,296 --> 00:37:37,504
Was that you?
841
00:37:41,301 --> 00:37:43,719
Oh, hey, big brother.
Did you go apologize to Molly?
842
00:37:43,803 --> 00:37:46,138
Oh, hey. I went by her store,
but she wasn't there.
843
00:37:46,723 --> 00:37:47,973
Well, did you leave her a note?
844
00:37:48,058 --> 00:37:49,224
No. Should I have?
845
00:37:51,144 --> 00:37:54,146
You know, for a smart guy, big brother,
you sure are an idiot.
846
00:37:55,148 --> 00:37:58,359
You know what, Jake? I've had it up to
here with your little comments.
847
00:37:58,777 --> 00:38:00,861
You've got a bone to pick with me,
then spit it out.
848
00:38:01,071 --> 00:38:03,155
What? Is this about rent, Joel?
849
00:38:03,531 --> 00:38:05,991
Because you can have your stupid money.
850
00:38:06,076 --> 00:38:09,912
No. It's not about money, Jake.
It's never been about money!
851
00:38:10,664 --> 00:38:12,247
But you know what?
If you have a little rent,
852
00:38:12,332 --> 00:38:13,832
then, sure, I'd gladly take it!
853
00:38:13,917 --> 00:38:15,125
I was being rhetorical!
854
00:38:15,210 --> 00:38:18,379
Of course you were!
855
00:38:20,006 --> 00:38:21,256
You're like a child.
856
00:38:21,508 --> 00:38:23,842
Well, if being a grown-up means
857
00:38:23,927 --> 00:38:26,261
being a corporate drone like you,
858
00:38:26,346 --> 00:38:27,596
then no thanks!
859
00:38:27,681 --> 00:38:29,431
I've got dreams, man!
860
00:38:29,516 --> 00:38:31,976
Well, your dreams
don't pay for the rent!
861
00:38:32,060 --> 00:38:34,186
This corporate drone does!
862
00:38:34,688 --> 00:38:35,854
Do you remember the tire swing?
863
00:38:35,939 --> 00:38:38,273
I don't have time for this.
No, I don't have time...
864
00:38:38,358 --> 00:38:40,401
I know you remember it, Joel!
865
00:38:41,778 --> 00:38:43,195
The old maple tree.
866
00:38:44,239 --> 00:38:46,448
We used to spend hours in that thing.
867
00:38:46,908 --> 00:38:48,367
Where'd it go, Joel?
868
00:38:48,702 --> 00:38:50,285
You sold it, didn't you?
869
00:38:50,745 --> 00:38:54,456
You traded in our fun for what,
a few greenbacks?
870
00:38:58,378 --> 00:39:01,463
When mom and dad died,
I had to sell that tire
871
00:39:02,716 --> 00:39:05,718
to put food in your belly
and a shirt on your back.
872
00:39:07,887 --> 00:39:10,431
It was for you, Jake.
873
00:39:11,141 --> 00:39:12,224
All of it.
874
00:39:14,060 --> 00:39:15,644
(VOICE BREAKING)
It was always for you.
875
00:39:18,106 --> 00:39:19,815
I really miss mom and dad.
876
00:39:20,900 --> 00:39:21,942
Me, too.
877
00:39:23,069 --> 00:39:24,319
Me, too.
(SOBBING)
878
00:39:30,577 --> 00:39:31,827
Call Molly.
879
00:39:32,412 --> 00:39:33,454
Call her, man.
880
00:39:34,247 --> 00:39:35,622
Tell her how you feel.
881
00:39:37,250 --> 00:39:38,917
I'm gonna go run some errands.
882
00:39:41,337 --> 00:39:42,421
Hey, Jake.
883
00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:44,840
Yeah?
884
00:39:46,926 --> 00:39:48,594
Thanks, little brother.
885
00:39:53,433 --> 00:39:54,767
Hey, Joel?
886
00:39:55,435 --> 00:39:56,435
Yeah?
887
00:39:56,936 --> 00:39:58,187
Go get 'em, tiger.
888
00:39:59,105 --> 00:40:00,105
(SIGHS)
889
00:40:02,275 --> 00:40:03,275
Hey, Jake?
890
00:40:03,651 --> 00:40:04,651
Yeah?
891
00:40:06,154 --> 00:40:07,321
Thanks.
892
00:40:09,240 --> 00:40:10,365
Joel, one last thing.
893
00:40:10,784 --> 00:40:11,825
What's up?
894
00:40:12,786 --> 00:40:13,786
Thanks.
895
00:40:14,871 --> 00:40:16,038
Jake!
896
00:40:16,122 --> 00:40:17,122
Yo.
897
00:40:18,291 --> 00:40:19,333
Thanks.
898
00:40:22,587 --> 00:40:24,713
Okay, I'm lost.
What's going on?
899
00:40:24,798 --> 00:40:27,091
Basically he sold the tire swing
to feed his brother.
900
00:40:27,175 --> 00:40:29,760
I get that, but what does it have
to do with the two of you?
901
00:40:29,844 --> 00:40:31,720
Um, I think the idea is that
902
00:40:31,805 --> 00:40:33,472
- after they meet up...
- Right.
903
00:40:33,556 --> 00:40:35,265
...they both realize,
you know, how short life is.
904
00:40:35,350 --> 00:40:39,228
And so the brother
told him to call her to say he was sorry.
905
00:40:39,312 --> 00:40:41,563
And then he went and ran errands.
906
00:40:41,648 --> 00:40:42,856
Is it something like that?
907
00:40:42,941 --> 00:40:44,399
Yeah. Sure.
Whatever you want.
908
00:40:44,484 --> 00:40:45,651
So I called her right away.
909
00:40:45,735 --> 00:40:47,194
- (PHONE RINGING)
- Hello?
910
00:40:47,737 --> 00:40:49,571
Hey, Molly, it's Joel.
How's it going?
911
00:40:49,656 --> 00:40:50,656
Hi.
912
00:40:50,782 --> 00:40:52,741
Uh, look, I wanted to
call you and apologize
913
00:40:52,826 --> 00:40:54,076
for the way that
I behaved the other night.
914
00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:55,911
I've learned that my inability to
915
00:40:55,995 --> 00:40:58,080
follow through on my dream coffee shop
916
00:40:58,164 --> 00:41:02,835
is a metaphor for my inability
to follow through on my romantic life.
917
00:41:03,044 --> 00:41:05,254
Listen, I wanna clear
something up before we go any further.
918
00:41:05,338 --> 00:41:07,422
I really appreciate
your apology about the other night,
919
00:41:07,507 --> 00:41:08,632
but why did you come over to my store
920
00:41:08,716 --> 00:41:10,259
and then leave without coming in?
921
00:41:10,343 --> 00:41:12,594
- I did come in, but I couldn't find you.
- Oh, really?
922
00:41:12,679 --> 00:41:15,931
I came there to apologize to you,
because I was a jerk.
923
00:41:16,015 --> 00:41:17,558
Okay, good.
Well, good.
924
00:41:19,686 --> 00:41:21,854
Molly, are you free for dinner tonight?
925
00:41:23,523 --> 00:41:24,648
Sure.
926
00:41:25,859 --> 00:41:28,110
MOLLY: Wanda, I really like this guy, Joel,
927
00:41:28,194 --> 00:41:29,945
but I just don't know if he's the one.
928
00:41:30,029 --> 00:41:33,866
I mean, I wish there was
some sort of sign that proved it.
929
00:41:33,950 --> 00:41:35,200
Well, how about this?
930
00:41:35,285 --> 00:41:38,287
When you meet up with him tonight,
change the way you look.
931
00:41:38,371 --> 00:41:39,830
Just a tiny little bit.
932
00:41:39,914 --> 00:41:43,167
But if he notices,
then that's how you'll know he's the one.
933
00:41:43,501 --> 00:41:44,501
Oh.
934
00:41:44,794 --> 00:41:47,754
Change the way I look
and see if he notices.
935
00:41:48,339 --> 00:41:50,716
Wanda, thank you.
You're the best.
936
00:41:50,884 --> 00:41:51,884
You are.
937
00:41:55,388 --> 00:41:56,471
No.
938
00:41:56,723 --> 00:41:58,307
I just felt like
I was gettin' a vibe.
939
00:42:09,235 --> 00:42:10,777
- Hey.
- Hi, there.
940
00:42:11,863 --> 00:42:12,988
You look different.
941
00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:14,489
Really?
You think so?
942
00:42:14,574 --> 00:42:16,241
You've got Groucho glasses on.
943
00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:20,287
You noticed.
944
00:42:21,247 --> 00:42:24,249
Of course. You must have
gone to a gag store or something, huh?
945
00:42:25,919 --> 00:42:27,169
You're something.
946
00:42:28,379 --> 00:42:29,504
Come on, let's eat.
947
00:42:31,633 --> 00:42:32,883
(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
948
00:42:33,301 --> 00:42:35,594
Bonjour.
May I take your coat?
949
00:42:35,678 --> 00:42:37,179
No, thank you.
I'll keep mine.
950
00:42:37,263 --> 00:42:38,263
We're okay.
951
00:42:38,806 --> 00:42:40,515
Well, in that case,
952
00:42:40,600 --> 00:42:44,978
may I then suggest you try the greasy diner
on Columbus and 67th.
953
00:42:45,063 --> 00:42:49,483
I think you will find their cuisine and service
up to your standards.
954
00:42:50,026 --> 00:42:52,611
Boy, does that guy have
a pole up his ass or what?
955
00:42:52,695 --> 00:42:53,695
Yeah.
956
00:42:53,780 --> 00:42:54,905
Watch out, Joel!
He does!
957
00:42:55,031 --> 00:42:56,156
(DISHES SHATTERING)
958
00:43:02,288 --> 00:43:04,456
Care to hear our specials?
959
00:43:04,707 --> 00:43:06,083
That's not necessary.
960
00:43:06,167 --> 00:43:08,460
I'm feeling adventurous tonight.
Surprise me.
961
00:43:09,087 --> 00:43:10,295
What? Really?
962
00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:12,839
You're willing to just throw caution
to the wind like that?
963
00:43:12,924 --> 00:43:13,882
Sure.
964
00:43:13,967 --> 00:43:17,135
Very well, madame.
For the fish, we have...
965
00:43:17,303 --> 00:43:19,805
Uh, wait!
Whatever it is, I'll have it.
966
00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:22,057
Very good, madame.
967
00:43:22,684 --> 00:43:23,976
And for monsieur?
968
00:43:24,352 --> 00:43:26,478
(STAMMERING)
969
00:43:26,562 --> 00:43:29,273
I'll have the steak plate.
970
00:43:29,357 --> 00:43:32,067
Molly, really, you
don't even need to hear what the fish is?
971
00:43:32,151 --> 00:43:33,235
I'm sure.
972
00:43:33,319 --> 00:43:34,861
I am more sure of this decision
973
00:43:34,946 --> 00:43:37,072
than anything ever in my entire life.
974
00:43:38,324 --> 00:43:39,491
Who are you?
975
00:43:40,660 --> 00:43:42,160
WAITER: A steak for monsieur,
976
00:43:42,245 --> 00:43:45,998
and for madame,
the stinky doo-doo fish special.
977
00:43:51,504 --> 00:43:53,922
- Dinner was great, Molly.
- I agree.
978
00:43:55,174 --> 00:43:57,509
Well, this is me.
979
00:43:58,845 --> 00:44:00,387
And this is me.
980
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:04,599
I mean, this is me.
This is where I live.
981
00:44:04,684 --> 00:44:06,643
I know.
And this is where I live.
982
00:44:06,728 --> 00:44:09,021
And it's where
you live, too. With me.
983
00:44:09,856 --> 00:44:11,064
Oh, Joel...
984
00:44:11,357 --> 00:44:13,442
Look, I'm just gonna throw my cards
985
00:44:13,526 --> 00:44:15,360
out on the table, really go for broke.
986
00:44:16,070 --> 00:44:17,404
I had a great time tonight.
987
00:44:17,488 --> 00:44:19,698
Would you like to go for a burrito
sometime with me?
988
00:44:20,241 --> 00:44:22,534
No. I'm sorry, no. I wouldn't.
989
00:44:22,618 --> 00:44:24,870
Oh, wow, I wasn't expecting that.
That's harsh.
990
00:44:24,954 --> 00:44:27,205
It came out wrong.
I just don't like Mexican food.
991
00:44:27,457 --> 00:44:28,457
I'm sorry.
992
00:44:28,708 --> 00:44:30,334
You're sorry?
Thought you were Joel.
993
00:44:30,418 --> 00:44:31,626
Actually, Joel is my middle name.
994
00:44:31,711 --> 00:44:32,753
Sorry is your first name?
995
00:44:32,962 --> 00:44:34,254
Billy is my first name.
996
00:44:34,714 --> 00:44:36,214
Your name is Billy Joel?
997
00:44:36,299 --> 00:44:37,382
Hmm...
998
00:44:37,759 --> 00:44:41,386
I never really thought about that before,
but yeah. I guess it is.
999
00:44:42,055 --> 00:44:43,680
I should probably get going.
1000
00:44:44,932 --> 00:44:46,099
Have a good night.
1001
00:44:46,601 --> 00:44:48,060
- Bye now.
- Wait...
1002
00:44:48,770 --> 00:44:49,770
Yeah!
1003
00:44:50,104 --> 00:44:52,564
If you wanna come up,
uh, you know,
1004
00:44:53,358 --> 00:44:54,524
you can.
1005
00:44:56,569 --> 00:44:57,944
Shh.
1006
00:44:58,905 --> 00:45:00,238
Don't say another word.
1007
00:45:01,115 --> 00:45:02,741
I would love to come upstairs.
1008
00:45:08,247 --> 00:45:09,581
Keep going.
1009
00:45:19,008 --> 00:45:20,384
Where's your sister?
1010
00:45:21,636 --> 00:45:23,512
She and Tucker went fly-fishing.
1011
00:45:23,596 --> 00:45:24,971
They won't be back until tomorrow.
1012
00:45:25,681 --> 00:45:27,432
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1013
00:45:31,604 --> 00:45:33,397
(SHATTERING)
1014
00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:49,538
(GLASS SHATTERING)
1015
00:45:49,622 --> 00:45:51,456
(CLATTERING)
1016
00:46:16,149 --> 00:46:17,315
Thirsty.
1017
00:46:27,660 --> 00:46:29,661
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
1018
00:46:56,189 --> 00:46:57,564
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
1019
00:46:59,942 --> 00:47:01,276
ALL: Oh!
1020
00:47:11,621 --> 00:47:13,371
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
1021
00:48:13,975 --> 00:48:14,975
(ALL APPLAUDING)
1022
00:48:15,059 --> 00:48:16,142
Whoo!
1023
00:48:16,561 --> 00:48:18,228
Wow, what a terrific song!
1024
00:48:18,312 --> 00:48:20,063
Is there anywhere we
can get our own copy?
1025
00:48:20,147 --> 00:48:22,983
Oh, all the Internet download services
will have it, I-tones...
1026
00:48:23,067 --> 00:48:24,192
- Rhapsory.
- MOLLY: Amasong.
1027
00:48:24,277 --> 00:48:25,402
Svandorga.
1028
00:48:27,405 --> 00:48:30,740
MOLLY: I'm so happy that we're driving
up to the country to see my parents.
1029
00:48:30,825 --> 00:48:32,367
JOEL: I'm afraid they're not gonna like me.
1030
00:48:32,451 --> 00:48:34,953
You're crazy.
They're gonna love you.
1031
00:48:37,331 --> 00:48:38,498
(DOOR OPENS)
1032
00:48:39,458 --> 00:48:41,751
- Hey! Hi!
- Hey!
1033
00:48:41,877 --> 00:48:42,961
BOTH: Oh.
1034
00:48:43,045 --> 00:48:44,546
- Hi, daddy.
- Hi, sweetheart.
1035
00:48:44,630 --> 00:48:45,964
This is Joel.
1036
00:48:46,048 --> 00:48:47,465
- How you doin'?
- Hello, sir.
1037
00:48:47,550 --> 00:48:50,176
He's so cute, Molly.
Look at those dimples.
1038
00:48:50,261 --> 00:48:51,761
Yeah, I know.
1039
00:48:52,430 --> 00:48:56,141
So, Joel, this is where
we'll be dining tonight.
1040
00:48:56,809 --> 00:48:59,060
Hmm, I guess that's
why they call it
1041
00:48:59,145 --> 00:49:02,022
"the dining room".
Isn't that funny?
1042
00:49:03,107 --> 00:49:04,774
You know, yeah, it is funny.
1043
00:49:05,651 --> 00:49:07,152
Want to see me naked, Joel?
1044
00:49:07,236 --> 00:49:08,236
(STAMMERS)
1045
00:49:08,321 --> 00:49:09,863
See anything you like?
1046
00:49:10,990 --> 00:49:12,198
Take me, Joel.
1047
00:49:12,617 --> 00:49:14,451
Shag me rotten.
1048
00:49:14,535 --> 00:49:16,661
But I'm in love with
your daughter, Mrs...
1049
00:49:17,288 --> 00:49:18,830
Whatever Molly's last name is.
1050
00:49:19,832 --> 00:49:22,584
Good answer!
You did it, Joel.
1051
00:49:22,668 --> 00:49:24,336
He did it, you guys!
1052
00:49:24,420 --> 00:49:25,837
- Yeah.
- (CHUCKLING)
1053
00:49:26,172 --> 00:49:28,423
You're the first boyfriend I ever had
to pass the test!
1054
00:49:28,507 --> 00:49:30,967
- I'm very impressed, Joel. Very impressed.
- (CHUCKLING)
1055
00:49:31,177 --> 00:49:32,886
Uh, thanks.
1056
00:49:32,970 --> 00:49:35,430
I have watched many, many
of Molly's boyfriends
1057
00:49:35,514 --> 00:49:37,057
bend my wife over that sideboard
1058
00:49:37,141 --> 00:49:40,018
- and flunk the hell out of this test!
- Oh.
1059
00:49:40,519 --> 00:49:41,936
Can I take the test again?
1060
00:49:42,021 --> 00:49:43,521
(ALL LAUGHING)
1061
00:49:43,689 --> 00:49:46,858
Please? Come on,
I wanna fuck your mom.
1062
00:49:46,942 --> 00:49:48,568
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
1063
00:49:59,705 --> 00:50:01,373
I think I like you, Joel.
1064
00:50:03,250 --> 00:50:04,959
I think I like you, too.
1065
00:50:05,544 --> 00:50:06,628
I think they like you.
1066
00:50:06,754 --> 00:50:07,879
(CHUCKLES)
1067
00:50:07,963 --> 00:50:11,383
I want to make a toast.
To my beautiful white daughter, Molly.
1068
00:50:11,842 --> 00:50:13,176
Hear, hear.
1069
00:50:13,386 --> 00:50:14,386
(GLASSES CLINKING)
1070
00:50:14,512 --> 00:50:15,553
Wait, what?
1071
00:50:16,013 --> 00:50:17,639
She is beautiful, isn't she, Joel?
1072
00:50:18,391 --> 00:50:20,725
Skin pure as the driven snow.
1073
00:50:21,227 --> 00:50:23,144
Completely unmongrelized.
1074
00:50:24,021 --> 00:50:25,230
Uh...
1075
00:50:25,314 --> 00:50:27,774
My beautiful Aryan Princess, Molly.
1076
00:50:28,984 --> 00:50:30,443
To Molly.
1077
00:50:30,736 --> 00:50:32,028
Thanks, mama.
1078
00:50:33,572 --> 00:50:34,781
What the fuck?
1079
00:50:34,865 --> 00:50:37,909
Joel, have you ever thought
about how white people
1080
00:50:37,993 --> 00:50:40,745
should be proud of their heritage,
just like other people are?
1081
00:50:40,830 --> 00:50:41,830
No.
1082
00:50:41,914 --> 00:50:43,957
Do you realize because of the race mixers
1083
00:50:44,041 --> 00:50:46,626
white people are now
the minority in this country?
1084
00:50:48,713 --> 00:50:50,088
It's a good point.
1085
00:50:50,506 --> 00:50:53,842
Guys, let's not bore Joel.
Justin, how's school?
1086
00:50:57,054 --> 00:50:59,472
How could you not tell me
that your parents were white supremacists?
1087
00:50:59,557 --> 00:51:00,849
I didn't think it was important, Joel.
1088
00:51:00,933 --> 00:51:02,183
Not important?
Are you kidding?
1089
00:51:02,268 --> 00:51:04,686
"Oh, hi, mom. It's me, Joel. Guess what?
I'm dating this great girl.
1090
00:51:04,770 --> 00:51:07,230
"Her name's Molly.
By the way, she's a Nazi."
1091
00:51:07,314 --> 00:51:09,023
So they're a little eccentric!
1092
00:51:09,108 --> 00:51:11,651
I love you for who you are, Joel.
Why can't you do the same?
1093
00:51:11,736 --> 00:51:13,194
Let me guess.
The next thing you're about to say
1094
00:51:13,279 --> 00:51:14,696
is that it's really hard making this work
1095
00:51:14,780 --> 00:51:17,323
because my job entails
running your business out of business!
1096
00:51:17,408 --> 00:51:19,033
Yes, that is exactly
what I was going to say.
1097
00:51:19,118 --> 00:51:20,952
Tiffany, would you just
calm down for a second!
1098
00:51:21,912 --> 00:51:25,415
Oh, my god!
You just called me by her name.
1099
00:51:25,499 --> 00:51:26,958
You are so not over her!
1100
00:51:27,042 --> 00:51:28,918
- Okay, all right, please...
- Oh, my god!
1101
00:51:29,003 --> 00:51:31,171
Just... Tiffany...
1102
00:51:32,298 --> 00:51:33,590
Oh, damn it!
1103
00:51:33,674 --> 00:51:34,716
I think you should leave, Joel.
1104
00:51:34,800 --> 00:51:35,759
What?
1105
00:51:35,843 --> 00:51:39,345
I think you should take your briefcase,
take your suitcase,
1106
00:51:40,514 --> 00:51:41,598
and your squash racquet,
1107
00:51:42,641 --> 00:51:44,392
and all your magic markers,
1108
00:51:44,977 --> 00:51:48,354
and your toothbrush,
and your U2 cds...
1109
00:51:49,774 --> 00:51:54,027
And don't forget
your clompy slippers and your floppy hat!
1110
00:51:54,111 --> 00:51:55,069
And get out!
1111
00:51:55,154 --> 00:51:56,488
- But, I...
- Go!
1112
00:52:14,173 --> 00:52:15,256
Hi, Joel.
1113
00:52:15,466 --> 00:52:17,592
Tiffany, what are you doing here?
1114
00:52:17,885 --> 00:52:20,303
(VOICE BREAKING)
Oh, it's a long story.
1115
00:52:21,138 --> 00:52:24,766
Trevor moved out today,
and I'm just really upset.
1116
00:52:25,601 --> 00:52:28,937
And, well, I'll admit it, horny.
1117
00:52:29,146 --> 00:52:31,272
Ew. She said that?
Give me a break.
1118
00:52:31,357 --> 00:52:34,734
I know. It sounds transparent,
but she sounded really Sincere.
1119
00:52:35,152 --> 00:52:36,277
Well, great story.
1120
00:52:36,362 --> 00:52:39,280
- Yeah. We should get together again soon.
- Yes.
1121
00:52:39,365 --> 00:52:41,115
- We're not done.
- Yeah, sit down.
1122
00:52:41,200 --> 00:52:43,159
Well, actually,
it's getting so late, and I have to run...
1123
00:52:43,244 --> 00:52:46,704
Sit your fuckin' ass down, Karen.
We're not done with the story.
1124
00:52:53,003 --> 00:52:54,504
You know, you really hurt me, tiff.
1125
00:52:54,588 --> 00:52:57,298
I know.
But I can't ever change that.
1126
00:52:57,883 --> 00:52:59,425
What's done is done.
1127
00:53:00,261 --> 00:53:01,845
I can't go back to the way things were.
1128
00:53:01,929 --> 00:53:03,763
Things are gonna be different this time, right?
1129
00:53:03,848 --> 00:53:07,392
Oh, probably not, Joel.
Old habits die hard.
1130
00:53:10,312 --> 00:53:12,438
Okay, but promise me
that you're not here just because
1131
00:53:12,523 --> 00:53:14,816
Trevor dumped you
and you're feeling sorry for yourself.
1132
00:53:14,900 --> 00:53:18,945
No. I can't promise you that, Joel,
because that is why I'm here.
1133
00:53:19,280 --> 00:53:20,738
I'm not gonna candy-coat it.
1134
00:53:20,823 --> 00:53:24,242
If I were you,
I would be very wary of my motives.
1135
00:53:25,244 --> 00:53:26,411
Okay.
1136
00:53:27,496 --> 00:53:28,830
You've convinced me.
1137
00:53:29,415 --> 00:53:31,374
Let's give our relationship another try.
1138
00:53:34,044 --> 00:53:35,503
(BOTH MOANING)
1139
00:53:58,569 --> 00:54:00,153
I'm not sure Molly
needs to hear this.
1140
00:54:00,237 --> 00:54:02,196
Certainly not in that level of detail.
1141
00:54:02,281 --> 00:54:03,907
Joel, that last move.
1142
00:54:03,991 --> 00:54:04,991
Mmm!
1143
00:54:05,159 --> 00:54:06,409
How did you hold her up with your feet
1144
00:54:06,493 --> 00:54:08,870
and let her fall right down on you man?
That's cool.
1145
00:54:08,954 --> 00:54:11,080
What are you talking about?
Who said anything about that?
1146
00:54:11,165 --> 00:54:14,292
I'm sorry, man. I guess I was picturing details
in my mind's eye
1147
00:54:14,376 --> 00:54:16,127
as you were verbally describing
what happened.
1148
00:54:16,211 --> 00:54:17,670
But man, Joel...
1149
00:54:17,755 --> 00:54:18,755
Mmm!
1150
00:54:18,964 --> 00:54:20,465
You're gettin' in that pussy hole.
1151
00:54:21,091 --> 00:54:23,801
(IN SASSY VOICE) You can have the pussy.
Just save me the hole.
1152
00:54:24,261 --> 00:54:26,888
(JACKHAMMER POUNDING)
1153
00:54:28,974 --> 00:54:30,516
Nobody talk to me.
1154
00:54:30,893 --> 00:54:32,560
Joel and I broke up last night.
1155
00:54:33,604 --> 00:54:35,355
And my store is doomed.
1156
00:54:36,273 --> 00:54:37,398
I'm a mess.
1157
00:54:37,483 --> 00:54:40,193
Honestly, moll,
I never liked that Joel anyway.
1158
00:54:40,694 --> 00:54:43,363
I love him.
But I hate him!
1159
00:54:44,406 --> 00:54:45,949
(VOICE BREAKING)
But I love him.
1160
00:54:46,367 --> 00:54:47,367
(THUDDING)
1161
00:54:50,079 --> 00:54:51,079
(PHONE RINGING)
1162
00:54:51,747 --> 00:54:53,289
Hello? It's for you.
1163
00:54:54,833 --> 00:54:55,833
Who's this?
1164
00:54:55,918 --> 00:54:57,460
Hey, Molly.
It's egg-flaps.
1165
00:54:57,628 --> 00:55:01,005
Oh. Ah...
Hi, eggbert. How are you?
1166
00:55:01,090 --> 00:55:03,132
EGGBERT: I know you're worried
about your store closing down,
1167
00:55:03,217 --> 00:55:04,676
but I have some great news.
1168
00:55:04,760 --> 00:55:07,220
I happen to have reservations for two
1169
00:55:07,304 --> 00:55:10,014
at la senora enchilada at 7:00,
1170
00:55:10,099 --> 00:55:12,225
so do you wanna join me?
1171
00:55:12,309 --> 00:55:14,310
That's very sweet of you to ask, but I...
1172
00:55:14,395 --> 00:55:16,270
You're not interested.
I get it.
1173
00:55:16,355 --> 00:55:18,690
Story of my life.
At least I tried, right?
1174
00:55:21,652 --> 00:55:23,027
Okay, eggbert.
1175
00:55:23,112 --> 00:55:24,445
Really? That's great!
1176
00:55:24,530 --> 00:55:27,240
Reservations are at 7:00,
so I'll pick you up at 5:30.
1177
00:55:27,324 --> 00:55:28,449
(MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYING)
1178
00:55:28,534 --> 00:55:30,493
A Chimichanga for the senor.
1179
00:55:30,577 --> 00:55:32,203
Y para la senorita...
1180
00:55:32,287 --> 00:55:34,872
A hot beef and cheese burrito.
1181
00:55:35,541 --> 00:55:37,583
Yummy, yummy,
in my tummy!
1182
00:55:38,002 --> 00:55:39,919
Muchas gracias, Armando.
1183
00:55:40,045 --> 00:55:41,421
De nada, senor flaps.
1184
00:55:50,973 --> 00:55:52,598
It's hot, hot, hot!
1185
00:55:53,225 --> 00:55:54,267
So Molly.
1186
00:55:54,351 --> 00:55:59,063
What kinds of things
are you passionate about?
1187
00:56:01,900 --> 00:56:04,819
I love fiction books.
Do you?
1188
00:56:05,696 --> 00:56:06,863
No, I don't.
1189
00:56:08,866 --> 00:56:09,907
They're not real.
1190
00:56:12,244 --> 00:56:14,203
I like things that are real.
1191
00:56:14,329 --> 00:56:16,831
Oh. I like fiction
books because I think
1192
00:56:16,915 --> 00:56:19,375
- it takes you to a different world.
- Uh-huh.
1193
00:56:19,501 --> 00:56:21,627
- And people create a story...
- Sure.
1194
00:56:21,712 --> 00:56:24,047
...and characters that you
fall in love with.
1195
00:56:24,590 --> 00:56:27,592
Yeah, but they're not real.
You know that, right?
1196
00:56:28,427 --> 00:56:30,678
I remember in high school,
they made us read the great gatsby,
1197
00:56:31,430 --> 00:56:33,097
and I asked my teacher,
"did this happen?"
1198
00:56:33,766 --> 00:56:35,433
And he was like, "no."
1199
00:56:36,435 --> 00:56:39,103
And I was like,
"then why did they write it down?"
1200
00:56:39,688 --> 00:56:41,314
Jesus! What a douchebag!
1201
00:56:41,440 --> 00:56:44,108
Well, he meant well.
So we started seeing each other.
1202
00:56:44,610 --> 00:56:47,862
Meanwhile csr's superstore
was becoming a reality
1203
00:56:47,946 --> 00:56:49,947
and there was nothing
I could do to stop it.
1204
00:56:51,533 --> 00:56:52,992
Male candy executive
we're gonna obliterate it!
1205
00:56:53,410 --> 00:56:54,827
(LAUGHING)
1206
00:56:54,912 --> 00:56:56,496
JOEL: Molly and I weren't speaking,
1207
00:56:56,580 --> 00:56:58,790
and I was back with
my old girlfriend, my old life.
1208
00:57:00,042 --> 00:57:01,959
MOLLY: And then
the holiday season started.
1209
00:57:02,044 --> 00:57:04,879
Oh, hey. Brenda and I
are having a series of three holiday parties,
1210
00:57:04,963 --> 00:57:07,381
- Thanksgiving, Christmas, new year's Eve.
- Mmm-hmm.
1211
00:57:07,466 --> 00:57:09,342
- Three parties.
- Got it.
1212
00:57:09,426 --> 00:57:11,511
We'd love it if you and tiff could come.
1213
00:57:11,595 --> 00:57:14,222
Well, I've gotta talk to tiff,
but I'm sure she'll wanna go.
1214
00:57:14,306 --> 00:57:16,849
BOB: Great. The first one, of course,
is Thanksgiving.
1215
00:57:16,934 --> 00:57:19,060
- GUEST 1: Happy Thanksgiving, Brenda.
- GUEST 2: Happy Thanksgiving.
1216
00:57:19,144 --> 00:57:21,479
Hey, everybody!
I'm a Thanksgiving Turkey.
1217
00:57:21,897 --> 00:57:22,897
(MIMICS TURKEY GOBBLING)
1218
00:57:24,066 --> 00:57:25,399
(LAUGHING)
1219
00:57:25,484 --> 00:57:27,110
(EGGBERT LAUGHING)
1220
00:57:28,153 --> 00:57:29,153
Mmm.
1221
00:57:32,991 --> 00:57:35,660
Dessert's almost ready.
Who wants coffee?
1222
00:57:35,744 --> 00:57:37,245
I would love a double-cream, no coffee.
1223
00:57:37,329 --> 00:57:38,746
I'll have a half mocha macchiato.
1224
00:57:38,831 --> 00:57:42,375
I'll have a caf, half latte
caramel venti frappacino.
1225
00:57:42,584 --> 00:57:45,920
BOTH: Boy, whatever
happened to just good old regular coffee?
1226
00:57:48,674 --> 00:57:50,174
- Asshole.
- Cunt.
1227
00:57:52,219 --> 00:57:53,886
- GUEST 1: Christmas!
- GUEST 2: Now it's Christmas!
1228
00:57:53,971 --> 00:57:55,930
BOB: Christmastime charades!
Tiffany, it's your turn.
1229
00:57:56,014 --> 00:57:57,348
- My turn.
- BOB: It's your turn.
1230
00:57:59,351 --> 00:58:01,102
On your mark.
Get set. Go.
1231
00:58:01,186 --> 00:58:02,520
Okay. Uh...
1232
00:58:04,815 --> 00:58:07,441
For colored girls who have considered
suicide when the rainbow is enuf!
1233
00:58:07,526 --> 00:58:08,484
Yes!
1234
00:58:08,569 --> 00:58:09,569
Yeah!
1235
00:58:10,195 --> 00:58:12,405
- It's chariots of fire.
- BOB: Whoa, whoa, whoa...
1236
00:58:12,489 --> 00:58:14,282
- Chariots of fire.
- BOB: No, no, hon...
1237
00:58:14,700 --> 00:58:16,033
GUEST 1: Yay, Brenda!
1238
00:58:16,118 --> 00:58:17,451
- GUEST 2: You got it!
- She got it!
1239
00:58:17,536 --> 00:58:18,995
Wow! That was great, babe!
1240
00:58:19,830 --> 00:58:21,122
VARIOUS PEOPLE: Movie. Movie.
1241
00:58:21,206 --> 00:58:22,623
- Paws!
- Laws!
1242
00:58:22,708 --> 00:58:23,708
- Jizz!
- Jews!
1243
00:58:23,792 --> 00:58:25,209
- Time's up.
- Jaws.
1244
00:58:25,377 --> 00:58:26,794
I was doing jaws.
1245
00:58:26,879 --> 00:58:28,421
(GUESTS GROAN)
1246
00:58:28,505 --> 00:58:29,964
Told you I wasn't good at this.
1247
00:58:31,049 --> 00:58:32,216
You're great at this.
1248
00:58:36,680 --> 00:58:38,472
- GUEST 1: Now it's new year's!
- GUEST 2: It's new year's Eve!
1249
00:58:38,557 --> 00:58:39,974
BOB: Two minutes until the new year!
1250
00:58:40,058 --> 00:58:41,017
GUEST 2: New year's Eve.
1251
00:58:41,101 --> 00:58:42,101
(GUESTS CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)
1252
00:58:42,186 --> 00:58:43,436
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
1253
00:58:48,817 --> 00:58:50,067
- Hey.
- Hi.
1254
00:58:53,530 --> 00:58:54,739
You look great.
1255
00:58:55,824 --> 00:58:57,074
Thanks. So do you.
1256
00:58:57,701 --> 00:59:00,578
All right, everybody, get ready.
It's one more minute.
1257
00:59:01,330 --> 00:59:02,955
I'm gonna get a drink.
Do you want one?
1258
00:59:03,081 --> 00:59:05,082
Oh, uh...
I'm all right.
1259
00:59:11,465 --> 00:59:13,007
Everybody, listen up!
1260
00:59:13,383 --> 00:59:14,592
I got somethin' to say.
1261
00:59:15,219 --> 00:59:17,178
I wasn't gonna do this tonight,
1262
00:59:17,262 --> 00:59:19,680
but I was just thinkin' about it,
and what the heck?
1263
00:59:21,058 --> 00:59:22,225
Hey, Molly.
1264
00:59:23,477 --> 00:59:24,518
(WOMAN GASPS)
1265
00:59:24,603 --> 00:59:26,103
Will you marry me?
1266
00:59:35,239 --> 00:59:36,322
Yes.
1267
00:59:36,907 --> 00:59:40,201
Yes?
1268
00:59:40,786 --> 00:59:41,869
Yes.
1269
00:59:43,413 --> 00:59:45,581
BOB: Eight, seven, six...
1270
00:59:46,708 --> 00:59:48,376
- EGGBERT: Oh, happy day!
- BOB AND PARTYGOERS: Five, four,
1271
00:59:48,460 --> 00:59:51,295
three, two, one.
1272
00:59:51,463 --> 00:59:53,839
Happy new year!
1273
00:59:53,924 --> 00:59:55,049
(PARTY HORNS HONKING)
1274
00:59:55,133 --> 00:59:58,386
Why did you say yes?
He's so clearly wrong for you.
1275
00:59:58,470 --> 01:00:00,054
It's one of those weird ones.
1276
01:00:00,138 --> 01:00:02,723
I guess that's just what it is,
one of those weird ones, huh?
1277
01:00:02,808 --> 01:00:05,101
Shall we just chalk it up
to that and move on?
1278
01:00:05,686 --> 01:00:07,019
(FIREWORKS WHIZZING)
1279
01:00:07,813 --> 01:00:09,480
(CAR HORNS HONKING)
1280
01:00:09,564 --> 01:00:11,107
MAN: Happy new year!
1281
01:00:11,775 --> 01:00:13,150
Do you love me?
1282
01:00:13,652 --> 01:00:15,152
I love Saturdays.
1283
01:00:15,737 --> 01:00:19,573
I know you love Saturdays,
but do you love me?
1284
01:00:20,951 --> 01:00:24,245
I think you're a-okay.
1285
01:00:24,997 --> 01:00:27,581
How many times do I have to say it
before you believe me?
1286
01:00:27,666 --> 01:00:29,875
Look, there's something
I need to tell you.
1287
01:00:30,627 --> 01:00:33,421
Ever since you and I got back together,
something hasn't felt right.
1288
01:00:34,506 --> 01:00:39,176
I think deep down, you're a horrible person.
1289
01:00:39,594 --> 01:00:41,262
Granted, you're smoking hot.
1290
01:00:41,346 --> 01:00:43,597
And that's something
no one could ever take away from you.
1291
01:00:43,682 --> 01:00:45,308
Except of course, father time,
1292
01:00:45,392 --> 01:00:46,767
who will most certainly
take that away from you
1293
01:00:46,852 --> 01:00:48,936
sooner rather than later.
But that's not my point.
1294
01:00:49,021 --> 01:00:50,187
What is your point?
1295
01:00:50,272 --> 01:00:51,397
My point is...
1296
01:00:53,525 --> 01:00:55,860
I'm sorry, but it's over.
1297
01:00:56,111 --> 01:00:58,487
Are you breaking up with me?
1298
01:00:58,780 --> 01:01:01,866
Yes. And I should have
done it a long time ago.
1299
01:01:02,534 --> 01:01:04,952
You and I are like rain-proofing
on a wooden deck.
1300
01:01:05,746 --> 01:01:06,787
Finished.
1301
01:01:07,039 --> 01:01:08,039
Well, fine.
1302
01:01:08,707 --> 01:01:11,625
And you want to know something?
I always faked it.
1303
01:01:11,793 --> 01:01:13,753
Faked what?
Your orgasms?
1304
01:01:13,837 --> 01:01:16,422
No, Joel.
I'm not who you think I am.
1305
01:01:22,137 --> 01:01:23,220
Judge Judy?
1306
01:01:23,305 --> 01:01:24,764
That's right. And for the record,
1307
01:01:24,848 --> 01:01:27,725
those orgasms were as real as they get.
1308
01:01:29,061 --> 01:01:31,437
Now get your shit together, Joel.
1309
01:01:33,774 --> 01:01:35,900
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1310
01:01:36,735 --> 01:01:38,319
JOEL: It all fell apart that night.
1311
01:01:38,403 --> 01:01:41,447
As the weeks and months passed,
I tried to move on with my life.
1312
01:01:41,531 --> 01:01:44,450
I tried to focus on my work,
started exercising,
1313
01:01:44,534 --> 01:01:46,827
and got married,
but it didn't pan out.
1314
01:01:46,912 --> 01:01:49,830
By the time spring came,
I thought I might finally be over Molly.
1315
01:01:51,083 --> 01:01:53,125
Then I noticed something on my fridge.
1316
01:02:42,634 --> 01:02:44,510
- Are you okay, bubela?
- Hmm...
1317
01:02:44,970 --> 01:02:47,388
Oh, yeah. I'm good. I'm just
1318
01:02:49,141 --> 01:02:50,808
thinking about some stuff.
1319
01:02:51,268 --> 01:02:52,977
Let me tell you a little story.
1320
01:02:53,061 --> 01:02:55,187
Wait! Who is this person?
1321
01:02:55,272 --> 01:02:56,522
My bubby.
1322
01:02:56,606 --> 01:02:58,941
The lady I was talking about
that likes fiction books?
1323
01:02:59,025 --> 01:03:01,068
- Oh, your grandmother.
- Yeah.
1324
01:03:02,404 --> 01:03:06,574
Let me tell you a little story.
It's about bagels.
1325
01:03:06,658 --> 01:03:08,451
Wait, say no more.
I've got it.
1326
01:03:08,535 --> 01:03:10,744
You were gonna say the bagels are
a metaphor for the circle of life.
1327
01:03:10,829 --> 01:03:12,079
No, I wasn't gonna say that.
1328
01:03:12,164 --> 01:03:13,289
Oh, my god, of course!
1329
01:03:13,373 --> 01:03:14,665
How could I have not seen it?
1330
01:03:14,749 --> 01:03:17,418
I let my desire to land
the dickricker account cloud my judgment!
1331
01:03:17,919 --> 01:03:20,254
I know exactly what to do!
Thank you, bubby!
1332
01:03:20,338 --> 01:03:23,799
(CHUCKLING) Oh, Joel,
I'm so proud of you!
1333
01:03:34,853 --> 01:03:36,103
What are we doin'?
1334
01:03:36,354 --> 01:03:38,147
I don't know, but it feels so right.
1335
01:03:39,858 --> 01:03:42,026
Oh, god, bubby,
I wanna fuck you so bad.
1336
01:03:42,611 --> 01:03:45,696
Do it. Do it, Joel.
Don't overthink this.
1337
01:03:51,369 --> 01:03:53,579
Oh, no. I...
1338
01:03:53,663 --> 01:03:55,206
(STUTTERING)
I should go.
1339
01:03:55,373 --> 01:03:57,041
Yeah, I get it.
1340
01:04:02,839 --> 01:04:03,923
Hey, bubby.
1341
01:04:04,549 --> 01:04:05,966
Yes, bubela?
1342
01:04:09,346 --> 01:04:10,513
Thanks.
1343
01:04:18,188 --> 01:04:20,064
ROLAND: All those in favor
of demolishing
1344
01:04:20,148 --> 01:04:22,149
upper sweet side
once and for all, say "aye."
1345
01:04:22,484 --> 01:04:23,651
ALL: Aye.
1346
01:04:23,735 --> 01:04:24,693
Wait!
1347
01:04:24,778 --> 01:04:26,320
Joel? What are you doing here?
1348
01:04:26,404 --> 01:04:27,488
We can't do this.
1349
01:04:27,572 --> 01:04:29,406
Oh, yes, we can.
And we are.
1350
01:04:29,491 --> 01:04:30,950
- It's wrong.
- "Wrong"?
1351
01:04:31,034 --> 01:04:32,159
Yeah. It's wrong.
1352
01:04:32,244 --> 01:04:33,202
"It's"?
1353
01:04:33,286 --> 01:04:35,663
It's terribly wrong,
and I'm gonna explain why.
1354
01:04:35,914 --> 01:04:36,956
"Why"?
1355
01:04:37,040 --> 01:04:38,332
Trevor, let me speak.
1356
01:04:38,416 --> 01:04:39,917
- TREVOR: What...
- Let him speak.
1357
01:04:41,336 --> 01:04:45,005
Look, we didn't get into the candy game
to make money, did we?
1358
01:04:46,091 --> 01:04:49,301
We got into the candy game
to make candy
1359
01:04:49,386 --> 01:04:51,178
for kids of all ages to enjoy.
1360
01:04:51,263 --> 01:04:53,764
Because we're not money people, people.
1361
01:04:55,141 --> 01:04:59,311
We're candy people.
1362
01:05:01,565 --> 01:05:03,816
Used to be a time
when we all believed that.
1363
01:05:05,110 --> 01:05:06,485
Remember those days, habermeyer?
1364
01:05:08,613 --> 01:05:09,780
Martinson?
1365
01:05:12,033 --> 01:05:14,868
Isn't there room in New York City
for two candy stores, Roland?
1366
01:05:15,412 --> 01:05:18,122
Don't be seduced by his word jazz.
1367
01:05:18,206 --> 01:05:19,456
Shut up, Trevor.
1368
01:05:20,834 --> 01:05:22,501
You may have a point, Joel.
1369
01:05:24,546 --> 01:05:25,546
Keep going.
1370
01:05:27,465 --> 01:05:31,218
If we lock the trunk and throw away the key
on Molly's little candy shop,
1371
01:05:31,303 --> 01:05:32,886
aren't we really locking the trunk
1372
01:05:32,971 --> 01:05:35,055
and throwing away the key on ourselves?
1373
01:05:37,225 --> 01:05:40,603
Saving Molly's candy shop isn't
about saving the shop.
1374
01:05:40,687 --> 01:05:42,521
Saving that little candy shop
1375
01:05:42,606 --> 01:05:46,108
is about saving life on earth as we know it!
1376
01:05:48,153 --> 01:05:51,572
That's all I've got.
I'm sorry to have wasted your time.
1377
01:05:52,616 --> 01:05:53,741
ROLAND: He's right.
1378
01:05:58,163 --> 01:06:01,040
Well, well, well.
1379
01:06:02,626 --> 01:06:05,544
You just got yourself
a big promotion and a corner office.
1380
01:06:05,712 --> 01:06:06,712
What?
1381
01:06:06,796 --> 01:06:10,674
Oh, my god. I'm so shocked.
I wasn't expecting that to happen at all.
1382
01:06:10,759 --> 01:06:14,094
This is ridiculous.
That corner office was mine!
1383
01:06:14,179 --> 01:06:16,472
I'm sorry, Trevor.
Didn't you hear? You're fired!
1384
01:06:16,556 --> 01:06:19,058
And if your desk
isn't empty by tomorrow morning,
1385
01:06:19,142 --> 01:06:21,477
I am gonna have your license revoked.
1386
01:06:21,561 --> 01:06:22,603
What license?
1387
01:06:22,687 --> 01:06:24,104
ROLAND: It's over, Trevor.
1388
01:06:24,189 --> 01:06:26,273
Now get out of here before I change my mind!
1389
01:06:26,358 --> 01:06:29,693
No, I want you to change your mind.
Then I'll still have a job.
1390
01:06:29,778 --> 01:06:31,028
Go!
1391
01:06:33,823 --> 01:06:36,659
And one more thing.
John, come on in here!
1392
01:06:39,204 --> 01:06:40,204
John dickricker?
1393
01:06:40,288 --> 01:06:42,873
That's right, Joel.
This is John dickricker,
1394
01:06:42,957 --> 01:06:47,127
and the dickricker account is yours again.
1395
01:06:47,212 --> 01:06:48,212
(ALL EXCLAIMING HAPPILY)
1396
01:06:48,380 --> 01:06:49,380
Wow!
1397
01:06:49,506 --> 01:06:50,881
I'm overwhelmed.
1398
01:06:51,841 --> 01:06:54,301
- But I'm sorry, I can't accept your offer.
- What?
1399
01:06:54,386 --> 01:06:56,095
I'm tendering my resignation, Roland.
1400
01:06:56,930 --> 01:06:59,848
- That's right, everybody. I quit.
- (ALL GASPING)
1401
01:06:59,933 --> 01:07:01,100
Effective immediately.
1402
01:07:01,351 --> 01:07:05,020
I'm gonna pursue my dream and open
my own coffee shop, "cup of Joel".
1403
01:07:05,105 --> 01:07:08,857
You've probably all heard of "cup of Joe".
This is a play on that.
1404
01:07:09,192 --> 01:07:10,776
- 'Cause of my name being Joel.
- ALL: Oh...
1405
01:07:10,860 --> 01:07:14,613
Yeah. So you get it.
"Cup of Joel," "cup of Joe," "cup of Joel."
1406
01:07:14,698 --> 01:07:15,739
Oh, cute.
1407
01:07:15,824 --> 01:07:18,033
I'll help you, Joel.
I quit, too.
1408
01:07:20,120 --> 01:07:22,454
It's okay. I've got it.
But thank you.
1409
01:07:22,747 --> 01:07:23,747
Oh...
1410
01:07:24,165 --> 01:07:25,374
All hail Joel!
1411
01:07:25,500 --> 01:07:27,918
(ALL CHEERING)
1412
01:07:29,170 --> 01:07:30,629
MAN: Here's to you, Joel.
1413
01:07:33,925 --> 01:07:34,967
Where's Bob?
1414
01:07:35,760 --> 01:07:37,678
Oh, Bob's at that woman Molly's wedding.
1415
01:07:38,847 --> 01:07:42,015
Oh... oh, Joel,
I'm so sorry. I thought you knew.
1416
01:07:42,517 --> 01:07:44,810
She's getting married in, like, 20 minutes.
1417
01:07:46,855 --> 01:07:48,689
I have to do something.
1418
01:07:50,400 --> 01:07:52,443
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
1419
01:08:02,912 --> 01:08:04,121
(WHISTLES)
1420
01:08:07,959 --> 01:08:10,085
Uptown! And step on it!
I'm in a huge hurry!
1421
01:08:10,170 --> 01:08:12,045
DRIVER: I can't do it, man.
I'm off duty.
1422
01:08:12,130 --> 01:08:13,547
Damn it, I'm screwed!
1423
01:08:14,424 --> 01:08:16,884
But in your case, brother,
I'll make an exception.
1424
01:08:16,968 --> 01:08:17,968
Jake.
1425
01:08:18,678 --> 01:08:20,429
Finally got that job, huh?
1426
01:08:20,805 --> 01:08:22,139
You're not the only
one in this family
1427
01:08:22,223 --> 01:08:23,515
who's getting his shit together.
1428
01:08:24,976 --> 01:08:26,727
Now let's go get you that girl.
1429
01:08:27,645 --> 01:08:28,729
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1430
01:08:29,355 --> 01:08:30,773
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)
1431
01:08:39,657 --> 01:08:42,701
I'm terrified, daddy.
Am I doing the right thing?
1432
01:08:42,786 --> 01:08:45,245
Oh, honey,
if eggbert's the one, you'll know.
1433
01:08:46,456 --> 01:08:47,414
Let's go, let's go!
1434
01:08:47,499 --> 01:08:48,499
We're almost there!
1435
01:08:48,583 --> 01:08:50,501
Oh, god, come on, come on!
1436
01:08:53,505 --> 01:08:55,172
MINISTER: You may be seated.
1437
01:09:05,975 --> 01:09:07,518
Hey, pretty lady.
1438
01:09:07,936 --> 01:09:11,480
Eggbert, do you
notice anything different about me?
1439
01:09:11,981 --> 01:09:13,065
Anything at all?
1440
01:09:15,985 --> 01:09:18,403
No. You look incredible.
1441
01:09:19,197 --> 01:09:20,989
Oh, I knew it.
1442
01:09:22,617 --> 01:09:25,160
Eggbert, I'm sorry.
You're a very nice man.
1443
01:09:25,411 --> 01:09:29,581
But I would rather be alone and happy
than with you and unhappy.
1444
01:09:31,501 --> 01:09:32,668
What are you saying?
1445
01:09:33,086 --> 01:09:34,628
It's not you.
It's me.
1446
01:09:35,255 --> 01:09:37,673
I'm sorry, eggbert.
Thank you for showing me
1447
01:09:37,757 --> 01:09:40,759
what a big mistake
it would be if I married you today.
1448
01:09:46,850 --> 01:09:48,308
Molly, where are you going?
1449
01:09:59,737 --> 01:10:00,863
Hey, aunt flo!
1450
01:10:02,198 --> 01:10:03,949
Molly, I love you!
1451
01:10:05,201 --> 01:10:06,952
She's not here, Joel!
1452
01:10:08,413 --> 01:10:10,038
What? Where is she?
1453
01:10:11,749 --> 01:10:13,000
Your guess is as good as mine.
1454
01:10:13,084 --> 01:10:17,087
She was here at the altar,
and then she left,
1455
01:10:17,547 --> 01:10:20,924
and we don't have
any way to know where she might be.
1456
01:10:23,303 --> 01:10:24,636
I think I know.
1457
01:10:25,305 --> 01:10:26,430
Follow me!
1458
01:10:28,099 --> 01:10:29,224
What?
1459
01:10:33,605 --> 01:10:34,897
- Sox!
- Celtics!
1460
01:10:34,981 --> 01:10:36,231
Ben affleck!
1461
01:10:37,275 --> 01:10:38,609
She's not here.
1462
01:10:39,193 --> 01:10:41,111
Are you sure that's what she said?
1463
01:10:42,113 --> 01:10:43,989
I know where she is!
Follow me!
1464
01:10:55,209 --> 01:10:56,543
She's not here.
1465
01:10:57,420 --> 01:10:58,420
MOLLY: Joel!
1466
01:10:58,838 --> 01:10:59,922
You are here!
1467
01:11:00,006 --> 01:11:01,423
(CROWD MURMURING)
1468
01:11:03,760 --> 01:11:04,885
I've come for you.
1469
01:11:05,178 --> 01:11:07,095
- It's too late.
- What?
1470
01:11:07,180 --> 01:11:09,014
There's nothing left for me here.
1471
01:11:09,098 --> 01:11:12,100
My flight leaves in an hour.
I have to leave.
1472
01:11:12,602 --> 01:11:13,644
Wait!
1473
01:11:14,062 --> 01:11:15,228
Molly.
1474
01:11:15,980 --> 01:11:17,147
I love you.
1475
01:11:18,274 --> 01:11:20,359
I don't know what
you want me to say.
1476
01:11:21,027 --> 01:11:22,736
You ran my business
into the ground.
1477
01:11:22,820 --> 01:11:23,987
ROLAND: No, he didn't!
1478
01:11:24,072 --> 01:11:25,155
(CROWD GASPING)
1479
01:11:25,323 --> 01:11:26,448
No, he did not.
1480
01:11:26,866 --> 01:11:29,701
Molly, not only did Joel
save your candy shop,
1481
01:11:30,244 --> 01:11:33,080
but he also made it possible
for it to flourish
1482
01:11:34,082 --> 01:11:35,207
forever.
1483
01:11:36,960 --> 01:11:37,960
Forever.
1484
01:11:38,336 --> 01:11:39,419
This is the same guy who pooped
1485
01:11:39,504 --> 01:11:40,796
in his costume at the Halloween party?
1486
01:11:41,005 --> 01:11:42,047
That's right.
1487
01:11:44,717 --> 01:11:45,926
Thank you, Joel.
1488
01:11:46,010 --> 01:11:47,094
I misjudged you.
1489
01:11:48,012 --> 01:11:49,388
Give me another chance!
1490
01:11:49,472 --> 01:11:51,473
I don't know
how I'm supposed to respond to that.
1491
01:11:51,557 --> 01:11:54,643
By saying, "yes, Joel,
I'll give you another chance."
1492
01:11:55,395 --> 01:11:58,021
Oh, come on, Molly.
Give him another chance.
1493
01:11:58,398 --> 01:11:59,773
I'm sorry.
I have to go.
1494
01:11:59,857 --> 01:12:02,025
Wait! Then how about this?
1495
01:12:02,860 --> 01:12:04,319
I love how you make a goofy face
1496
01:12:04,404 --> 01:12:05,862
every time you don't know what to say.
1497
01:12:05,947 --> 01:12:07,155
(CHUCKLES)
1498
01:12:07,615 --> 01:12:08,991
I love how you order a muffin.
1499
01:12:09,617 --> 01:12:10,742
Joel.
1500
01:12:10,827 --> 01:12:12,953
Oh, Molly, I guess what
I'm trying to say is,
1501
01:12:13,621 --> 01:12:16,206
I saw those Groucho glasses
stuck to your face
1502
01:12:17,709 --> 01:12:21,044
and I promise I'll notice them
every single time you put them on.
1503
01:12:22,005 --> 01:12:23,672
Listen to me.
If you're asking me
1504
01:12:23,756 --> 01:12:26,174
to give you a second chance,
the answer...
1505
01:12:26,259 --> 01:12:28,010
- MAN: Wait!
- (ALL GASP)
1506
01:12:28,094 --> 01:12:29,344
Molly.
1507
01:12:29,846 --> 01:12:30,971
MOLLY: Frank?
1508
01:12:31,347 --> 01:12:33,765
- Frank, my old boyfriend. Remember?
- Right.
1509
01:12:34,142 --> 01:12:35,308
MOLLY: What are you doing here?
1510
01:12:35,393 --> 01:12:37,519
Where's Mia, the yoga instructor?
1511
01:12:37,603 --> 01:12:39,604
Thought you two had eloped
and gone to Paris.
1512
01:12:39,689 --> 01:12:41,398
She died, so that's over.
1513
01:12:42,692 --> 01:12:43,942
Marry me, Molly.
1514
01:12:44,944 --> 01:12:47,487
No, frank.
It's too late for that.
1515
01:12:49,866 --> 01:12:51,033
Okay.
1516
01:12:54,287 --> 01:12:55,996
- Anyway, my answer is...
- WOMAN: Molly!
1517
01:12:56,080 --> 01:12:57,289
Molly!
1518
01:12:57,623 --> 01:12:59,249
Oh, my sister.
1519
01:12:59,333 --> 01:13:00,375
Molly!
1520
01:13:01,252 --> 01:13:05,213
Spike, your ex-husband and Tucker's dad,
just got released from jail.
1521
01:13:05,298 --> 01:13:08,383
And he knows about Joel,
and he's really pissed, and he's coming now!
1522
01:13:08,468 --> 01:13:10,010
- What?
- (ALL SCREAMING)
1523
01:13:10,094 --> 01:13:12,054
Oh, shit! Look out, Joel!
He's got a sword!
1524
01:13:12,764 --> 01:13:14,639
(GROWLING)
1525
01:13:15,558 --> 01:13:17,559
Oh, I'm gonna kill you.
1526
01:13:18,686 --> 01:13:21,188
You can't take my family away from me!
1527
01:13:21,439 --> 01:13:22,522
Joel, duck!
1528
01:13:22,607 --> 01:13:24,775
(CROWD GASPING)
1529
01:13:34,410 --> 01:13:35,577
Yeah!
1530
01:13:45,004 --> 01:13:46,671
(CROWD CHEERING)
1531
01:13:51,427 --> 01:13:52,511
Good job, Joel.
1532
01:13:53,429 --> 01:13:55,472
You ain't seen the last of me, Billy Joel!
1533
01:13:55,556 --> 01:13:57,516
You ain't seen the last of me!
1534
01:13:57,600 --> 01:13:58,725
Tell it to the judge, spike.
1535
01:13:58,810 --> 01:14:00,644
You're going back to prison
where you belong.
1536
01:14:00,728 --> 01:14:02,562
I always loved you, bitch!
1537
01:14:04,107 --> 01:14:07,359
And "good job" to Molly's sister Katherine,
too, for alerting us.
1538
01:14:07,443 --> 01:14:08,735
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
1539
01:14:08,820 --> 01:14:10,153
Thanks, everybody!
1540
01:14:12,448 --> 01:14:15,700
Oh, for cryin' out loud,
Molly, will you marry me?
1541
01:14:16,160 --> 01:14:18,912
And don't anyone interrupt me
this time, okay? (CHUCKLES)
1542
01:14:18,996 --> 01:14:20,831
(ALL LAUGHING)
1543
01:14:22,667 --> 01:14:23,750
Joel.
1544
01:14:23,835 --> 01:14:26,211
I think maybe we're getting
ahead of ourselves.
1545
01:14:26,712 --> 01:14:28,296
Let's go get a cup of coffee.
1546
01:14:29,006 --> 01:14:32,008
Yeah. Coffee.
That sounds good.
1547
01:14:32,802 --> 01:14:34,136
That sounds great!
1548
01:14:34,262 --> 01:14:35,804
(CROWD CHEERING)
1549
01:14:53,447 --> 01:14:55,407
JOEL: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting
1550
01:14:55,741 --> 01:14:57,659
cup of Joel!
1551
01:14:58,286 --> 01:15:00,579
(CROWD CHEERING)
1552
01:15:11,966 --> 01:15:12,966
(CHEERING)
1553
01:15:17,638 --> 01:15:19,472
- (LAUGHING)
- That is a crazy story!
1554
01:15:19,557 --> 01:15:20,599
JOEL: Told ya!
1555
01:15:20,683 --> 01:15:22,058
It's like a corny romantic comedy.
1556
01:15:22,143 --> 01:15:23,435
- (ALL CHUCKLE)
- KYLE: It is.
1557
01:15:23,519 --> 01:15:25,312
It was such a great beginning,
1558
01:15:25,396 --> 01:15:27,189
why did you guys
decide to get a divorce?
1559
01:15:28,524 --> 01:15:30,901
Well, things got pretty rough after that.
1560
01:15:31,319 --> 01:15:33,820
Roland's promise
to keep my store flourishing forever,
1561
01:15:33,905 --> 01:15:36,990
well, it turned out to be
a little bit more complicated than we thought.
1562
01:15:37,074 --> 01:15:38,617
Long story short, the store is gone.
1563
01:15:39,202 --> 01:15:43,121
And cup of Joel basically
crashed and burned after a week.
1564
01:15:43,206 --> 01:15:44,414
I mean, it really wasn't anything.
1565
01:15:44,624 --> 01:15:47,417
And as much as little Tucker loved
havin' a new dad around,
1566
01:15:47,501 --> 01:15:49,419
he was pretty traumatized
seein' his real dad
1567
01:15:49,503 --> 01:15:51,171
get shot in the face by the police.
1568
01:15:51,255 --> 01:15:53,173
MOLLY: The debts started to pile up and
1569
01:15:53,716 --> 01:15:55,884
I started taking pills to numb the pain.
1570
01:15:56,135 --> 01:15:57,552
And then...
1571
01:15:59,347 --> 01:16:01,139
I started sleeping with frank again.
1572
01:16:02,099 --> 01:16:03,225
But enough of our sob stories.
1573
01:16:03,809 --> 01:16:05,685
The bottom line is,
we mutually decided
1574
01:16:05,770 --> 01:16:08,146
that we were better off
as friends than spouses.
1575
01:16:08,231 --> 01:16:10,190
- Yeah.
- There's no need to belabor it.
1576
01:16:10,399 --> 01:16:12,776
Let's talk about something happier,
shall we? (CHUCKLES)
1577
01:16:12,860 --> 01:16:15,612
Karen, hearing this story
makes me realize that
1578
01:16:16,864 --> 01:16:17,989
I want out.
1579
01:16:18,824 --> 01:16:20,784
Seriously, I don't ever want to see you again.
1580
01:16:20,868 --> 01:16:21,910
(CHUCKLES)
1581
01:16:21,994 --> 01:16:24,162
He's joking.
You're joking, right, Kyle?
1582
01:16:24,872 --> 01:16:26,081
Of course I'm joking!
1583
01:16:26,207 --> 01:16:27,415
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1584
01:16:27,500 --> 01:16:28,750
What?
1585
01:16:29,794 --> 01:16:31,670
You are the love of my life.
1586
01:16:33,047 --> 01:16:34,965
That was such a good joke.
1587
01:16:37,301 --> 01:16:38,510
(CHUCKLING)
1588
01:16:38,594 --> 01:16:41,471
- Stop.
- I'm gonna leave you, you knucklehead.
1589
01:16:45,142 --> 01:16:47,060
Well, what do you think?
1590
01:16:48,062 --> 01:16:49,854
Should we give it another shot?
1591
01:16:53,693 --> 01:16:54,859
Why not?
1592
01:16:55,069 --> 01:16:56,611
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
1593
01:17:01,742 --> 01:17:03,994
I told you it was gonna be a crazy day.
1594
01:17:04,704 --> 01:17:06,830
(ALL CHUCKLING)
1595
01:17:07,832 --> 01:17:09,833
Have you guys seen
that new exhibit at the museum?
1596
01:17:09,917 --> 01:17:12,544
- Oh, it's so special.
- Oh, we missed it.
1597
01:17:12,628 --> 01:17:14,754
You can take the subway there.
One of the lines.
1598
01:17:14,839 --> 01:17:16,172
Only in New York, right?
1599
01:17:16,299 --> 01:17:17,590
(ALL LAUGHING)
1600
01:17:17,614 --> 01:19:18,614