[SKATEBOARD SHUFFLING]
MAN: It's Thursday.
I've been out here for...
120-Something hours.
I'm out of water.
And I don't know how much longer.
I'm going to be here.
So this is a message for my family.
Mom and dad, I love you.
I did my best.
Marie...
I wanted to be there for your graduation.
So just think of me, please.
[GASPING]
Come on.
[GASPING]
Hey, how you doin'?
Hello.
Hello?!
What the fuck?!
♪ Hocus pocus
♪ the time is now that you noticed
[RATS SQUEAKING]
[SONG CONTINUES]
♪ they tried to tell me
♪ but they're not getting in no messes
[SONG CONTINUES]
[CAR HORN HONKS]
♪ victim of society
♪ all my life I've tried
♪ I've become a victim of society
♪ this is bogus
♪ the time is now that you noticed
[SONG CONTINUES]
♪ they tried to tell me
♪ but they're not getting in no messes
[SONG CONTINUES]
♪ can somebody tell me
♪ I'm a victim of society
♪ all my life I've tried
[BEEPING]
Hmm.
Feel the breeze from the subway? Uh-Huh.
Ohh!
Man, you look just like Marilyn on that grate.
Oh! Except Marilyn never had to wear a scram bracelet.
[TRAIN HORN HONKS]
Oh! Here comes another one.
It's even bigger.
Ohh!
[HORN HONKING]
Mm-Hmm.
Hmm.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[ENGINE STARTS]
♪ I'm going it alone, do my time until I'm done
♪... easy
♪ all the faces that I've seen don't mean anything at all to me
♪ she got me going now
♪ out of my mind
♪ and it's a hell of a time
♪ yeah
♪ it's all insane, but I don't need
♪ but I'm trying just to let you know
♪ that I don't want to cause a scene
♪ but I'm sorry
♪ I tell you everything that you know you never want to hear
♪ 'cause it's true
♪ I give you all I got but there's nothing there that you can use
♪ so you got me going now
♪ going out of my mind
♪ and it's a hell of a time with you now, yeah
♪ I don't want to say what I don't mean
♪ but I'm trying just to let you know
♪ that I don't want to cause a scene
♪ but I'm sorry, it's time for you to go
♪ I don't want to say what I don't mean
♪ but I'm trying just to let you know
♪ that I don't want to cause a scene
♪ but I'm sorry, it's time for you to go
♪ don't want to say what I don't mean
♪ but I'm trying just to let you know
♪ that I don't want to cause a scene
♪ but I'm sorry, it's time for you to go
[HUMMING]
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIRENS IN DISTANCE]
ANNOUNCER: When trouble rises...
[TIRES SQUEALING, GUNSHOTS]
And there's no one else to call,
Who do you turn to?
This summer...
Action gets a little sensitive.
"Flirty harry."
[MAN GROANING]
[COCKS GUN] Uh-Uh-Uh.
Go ahead. Make me gay.
ANNOUNCER: He's never afraid to take on the establishment.
I told you before, I am not going.
To wait around for a bunch of other dicks.
Not when I have an opening to take those guys from the rear.
Yeah. I read your report, harry.
Yeah? Yeah.
I don't think you understand, those boys were packing heat.
I mean, as soon as I came, those assholes opened up.
Yeah, opened up and started spraying everywhere.
Yeah.
I read that, too, harry.
Sir, I know this is a heavy load.
Look, I realize I'm leaving you.
With a mess all over your face.
Sometimes you got to swallow... [GULP]
Your pride, you know? Suck it up.
Oh, come on, harry,
These are just weird phrases you're using now.
Well, what do you want me to say? So I went in.
Yeah, I went in deep, balls to the wall.
But I unloaded into both of those assholes.
All right, stop, will you... and it felt good!
I read the frickin' report.
Look, everybody in the department gets a partner.
That's right, even you, super cop!
He's a pig, but he's right, harry.
I don't have time to break him in.
Do you know how many partners you've had?
He's a cancer on this force!
Oh, please, they'll smell this dirty asshole.
Coming a mile away. Oh, come on.
It's policy, harry. Comes from up high.
Super cop.
You shut up.
Let me tell you something. Yeah?
City hall's been trying to get me to bend over a barrel for years.
If I am going down,
I'm going down hard.
I'm sorry, am I the only one that had an erection.
From when he started talking, or...
Shut up, rookie.
["RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES" PLAYING]
[SIRENS]
[SNARLING]
[NO AUDIO]
Hmm?
Oh, uh, oh!
Uhh!
Hey, I'm Jamal,
And this is "blackass."
What the fuck is this, shit soup?!
Fuck this! Arrest me.
Ohh! What the fuck?!
[HUMMING]
Oh, hello.
I'm Ari Shaffer.
You know, America's had it pretty rough lately.
And in tough times such as these,
Our country turns to its heroes.
To give us back our sense of swagger.
Heroes such as myself.
Welcome to "the amazing racist."
We're here in southeastern Arizona today.
At one of the toughest stretches.
Of the Mexican-American border.
Uh, probably right here... from here it's about 3 miles down...
Is where 40% of the illegal immigrants.
Come in every day.
They are coming in and stealing our gardening jobs,
Our nannying jobs.
They're breastfeeding our white babies.
With their tres leches milk,
And ruining our minds and our souls.
My dad worked as an orange salesman.
On the side of the road, the side of the freeway,
For 37 years before one of these brown bombers came in.
And undercut his business, and it's ridiculous.
But right over there, that's Mexico.
That's real... like if I took a rock and throw it,
This is an act... that's an act of war right now.
I just invaded Mexico.
An invasion that I've been petitioning our government.
To start for over 10 years,
And as soon as we get a white president back in the office,
I will continue those petitions.
It's really ridiculous.
All right, is that...
MAN: Yeah. Are we good?
- We're good. - All right.
Dude, dude!
Bro, bro! Oh, my...
Is that for... is that...
Is that for real happening, is that for real?
I think that was really them.
[LAUGHS] For real?
Mexicans!
Like, they just ran through there. Did you get that?
We got it. Is it on?
I can't believe we got that.
That is...
Oh, my god, did we get that? That is so fuckin' sweet!
[BIRD SQUAWKING]
Hey, excuse me. What's going on?
Hey, did they like... do like illegals comes through here?
Like, the immigrants looking for work and stuff?
A couple times a day.
Yeah? Every now and then.
And what, people just pick them up here? What's the story?
Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.
You're cool with that?
It's normal around here, man.
- Yeah. American jobs. - Yeah.
Someone's going to get your job one day.
- Maybe so. - Maybe so, definitely.
Yeah. All right.
Hi.
How are you? What's going on?
Hey, how you doing, what's up, man?
What's up, brother?
How you doing? All right.
Hey, where are the Mexicans?
Uh, I don't know...
Oh, go for it, I'm sorry.
Are you... are you ok, ma'am?
You're not in any danger?
What?
Blink if there's a problem.
Volkswagen, I like this.
Some German engineering.
I like the germane. They had some...
They had some really good ideas.
They had some really good ones.
Misunderstood in the end, but...
- Is that right? - Yeah.
Yeah.
What team do you play for?
[LAUGHS]
Ma'am, are you sure?
What?
I like this, the race mixing. It's a good thing.
It's not enough to steal our money,
You got to steal our white women, too.
I like you anyway, though, man.
You're one of those, like,
You're one of those like white blacks.
It's really quite refreshing.
You're really fun, man, I tell you what.
You're really funny.
If they were all like you, man. Is that right?
If they were all like you, it wouldn't be a problem.
Gotcha. Never would have had the sixties.
I gotcha, I gotcha.
You know, I don't have a problem with the back of the bus.
It's cooler there.
But some people got uppity, and then it's like,
I want to sit in the front, but I guess not.
Get a load of this idiot right here. Yeah.
You're just going to drive away?
Yeah, yeah, I think so, buddy.
All right. I hope you don't go to jail tonight.
That's your final solution, then, just drive away.
In your... your German engineered car.
All right.
[WIND CHIMES CHIMING]
Bro, you want a job? You looking for work?
I'm waiting for my wife. She's coming to pick me up.
But in the meantime, do you want a job?
I got like full-Time job work. You looking for anything?
Not really. I'm just waiting for my wife.
All right. Where'd you get that water?
In there. Did you pay for it?
Of course.
With food stamps?
[SCOFFS]
My government's supporting you, bro. It's all right.
Oh, hey, hey. You looking for work?
Trabajo? Oh, si.
Trabajo. Do you speak Spanish? Do you speak English?
Oh, si.
Yo soy bueno. Bueno.
Yo bueno. Trabajo. All right, come on, let's do this.
Yo bueno.
Yeah, trabajo, come on.
We got you lots of American jobs,
Where you can eat that corn on a stick.
And you save up money, dinero, and buy a low rider.
And just fucking ruin the neighborhoods,
Bring property values down for everybody.
Si. Dinero, gracias.
Yeah, that's the dream, man.
We'll trabajo the fuck out of your shit, bro.
Trabajo? Yes, yes,
That's what I'm talking about, Jose.
That's what I'm talking about. You're welcome. Gracias. Enjoy yourself.
[LAUGHING]
[SPEAKING SPANISH] please!
Ipor favor! Landale!
Isenor, senor, no, no, no!
[YELLING IN SPANISH]
Hey! Hey!
[YELLING IN SPANISH]
I got one for you, bro.
Where's my bounty?
Sir, don't get out of the car.
I fucking got one.
Find a black, got to park that.
Whoo! Better luck next time, Paco.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Sir, hands on the... hands on the ramp.
Put your hands on the... put your hands on the bars.
Hands up, on the bars. Hands on the bars. Ok.
Please explain to this guy to get off me,
That I'm an American.
Jew S.A. What?
A Jew S.A. No, U.S.A.!
Sir... no, not Jew S.A.!
U.S.A.!
Why is there a man in the back of your truck?
Yes, exactly. Why do I have to catch Mexicans.
On our side of the fucking border?
That's exactly the right question.
Jew crazy, man.
Did you call me a Jew? Yeah, Jew.
Do you know this man? Jew.
Why is he... why is in the cage?
And fucking stay there! Don't you ever fucking call me a Jew!
Put him down, put him down, put him down.
Put him down. No, no!
I'm swade with "blackass,".
And we like to call this one the Johnson joust.
Whatever, open your mouth wide.
Get ready for it, we coming for you.
[INDISTINCT] You ready?
Go for his face because he used to kissin' 'em.
We got you.
Ohh!
It stayed that hard when he was with a man.
Ohh!
Shut the fuck up!
That's right.
Fuck you, nigger. Nigger, check out my King Kong shit.
My King Kong shit, bitch.
Yeah, your shit little.
All this dick and no balls, shut the fuck up.
[ALL YELLING]
Oh, sh...
Ohh!
Ohh! To the face!
To the face!
You all right, baby? You all right?
Watch that thing. Watch that thing.
Ok, turn around, man.
You're touching my dick, nigger!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER]
Boom, nigger.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Oh, shit.
[HUMMING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Welcome to "the porno review" podcast. I'm JD.
And I'm Harriet with your female perspective.
Well, like most guys, Harriet,
I hope we go straight to the titties.
Not a lot of "talking." No need to worry.
Today's film is an international one.
Ah, great, a foreign film.
You know what that means. Subtitles covering up the bush.
Relax! He's a seasoned director.
He would never screw up good Japanese snatch with subtitles.
Well, I will believe that when I see it.
[PROJECTOR STARTING]
Oh, honey, please take off that tacky hat, it make you look gay.
Oh, sorry, honey, I take it off.
I want to make love to you, sushi mama.
I give you foreplay.
Lick tongue.
Oh, I feel so good.
Oh, I want you to suck.
[GAGGING]
Oh, I hit a nut. Good move.
Oh, all right, stand up, I want to see you naked now.
Taking clothes off.
That's nice. I like it a lot.
Motorboat. You love the motorboat.
Motorboat. Do the motorboat.
Tonight we make love on sacred table.
We never make love on sacred table.
I set you down softly, my little flower.
Oh, thank you. Aaah!
You broke sacred table! Ayyy!
I kill you! Aah!
Ohh! I so sorry.
I got to control my temper. Oww!
Bitch, I kill you.
I really am sorry this time, I swear.
Anger management. Ahh.
That is wrong. That is wrong.
It's foreplay time now.
I give you compilation, Hong Kong hustle.
And the doggy. We do the doggy.
You like the doggy? I do the doggy.
In your face with the doggy. You can do the doggy, too.
Ha ha ha!
How you like that right there? Huh?
Look at my nipples!
This is starting to resemble gay porn.
Hoo-Rah!
Ok. I want a little number 69,
And I don't mean Mongolian beef with snow peas.
Give it to me!
Good morning, everybody.
Good news!
You all get a raise... one cent a week.
Congrats.
That's fantastic, sir, thank you.
Come on, this is ridiculous.
[CHUCKLES]
All right, fellas, hurry up on the shoes.
We've got shamwows to make.
Sir, I thought those were made in Germany.
Ha ha! No.
Oh, yeah, fuck me, Mr. Miyagi.
Put it in me, Bruce lee.
Oh, yeah, iron sheik that booty.
What is this silhouette bullshit?
I call your pussy Rhianna,
'Cause my dick's going to beat it.
Like it's Chris brown.
Oh! Oh, yeah.
Tell me I'm good at math.
You so good at math.
I love the sex. You are a virgin.
No, I'm not virgin.
I've had more wieners than eating champ kobayashi.
Oh, you bitch, I thought you were a virgin!
My penis burning!
Sushi mama!
[YELLING AND GROANING]
Well, I don't like it.
Relax! Doesn't be so pessimistic.
I want to see a chick get naked.
A silhouette scene like this leaves room for interpretation.
Is he punching her in the stomach?
Is he fisting her in the vajoosh?
We decide.
You are one sick lady. You know?
I just think I heard my dick gasp.
Wait a minute.
Why is the guy dancing and wearing a diaper?
I don't get that.
In Japanese culture, foreplay is an intricate ceremony.
Japanese men are more sensitive to the clit.
I guess because their penis resembles one.
Hmm. Oh, yeah, yeah. Ok.
I guess the symbolism here is supposed to mean.
The guy's love for the woman is so strong,
That's what breaks the table.
And then he punches here in her slant-Eyed poontang.
Ok, let's go to the bucket. I can't watch any more.
I think it's gonna be less than 1.
What do you got, bob?
[GROANS]
[GAGS]
All right, what do we got next?
Hold on.
All right, ok. But while she's throwing up,
Let's take a break.
[VOMITING]
That's not good.
See ya next time.
[HUMMING]
We got a big surprise for your 21st birthday.
Come on, come on!
Why am I holding a spear?
It's your birthday stick.
My birthday stick? What?
ALL: Ohh!
[LAUGHTER]
That nigger hurt, that nigger hurt!
Look at that nigger hurt!
The damn motherfucker... damn!
Oh, shit!
Whoo! What the fuck?
You have to fight that motherfucker!
Oh, shit!
[HUMMING]
ANNOUNCER: In san Francisco,
When trouble calls, one man answers.
Flirty harry.
Ready to stand up for what he believes in.
You must have some big balls.
Coming in my face... like that.
I've had my fill of your mouth, harry!
I will bust your ass down to traffic cop!
Go ahead. Hmm?
Bust my ass.
No, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, no!
ANNOUNCER: Loved by the people,
He's a man's man.
Would you like to sample my nuts?
I'll pop a couple in my mouth, sure.
These are extra salty.
ANNOUNCER: And criminals know.
He means business.
Move, motherfucker.
What the fuck are you looking at, asshole?
What the fuck are you looking at?!
You're going to do what I tell you, right?
[CRUNCH]
What the fuck are you doing, you cocksucking pig?
Easy, now.
I know you're ready to blow.
I'm just going to push a stool in.
Real slow.
Thinking about blowing fucking brains.
All over the fucking wall, man pig. Back up.
[COCKS GUN]
Go ahead.
Blow 'em. Huh?
Away. [KISS]
[EXHALES]
ANNOUNCER: "Flirty harry,".
Coming out this summer.
Hi. I'm Ari Shaffer.
You know, according to experts at Wikipedia,
Asian drivers account for 56% of all traffic deaths.
In the U.S. Every single day.
That's more deaths than slavery.
Or "the holocaust" combined.
Whether they're taking their cars.
And plowing into our farmers markets.
Or taking their planes and plowing into pearl harbors,
They're just not safe behind the wheel.
So either start an internment camp,
Which is illegal, or do what I do,
That's Ari's driving school for the round-Eye impaired,
To help teach these yellow kitties.
How to handle tough, American vehicles.
Won't don't you join me today?
Welcome to "the amazing racist."
Hi, I'm Christina.
Oh. Hi, how are you? Good.
My name's Ari.
Hi, Ari, nice to meet you.
How are you? I... how are you?
I will be your instructor today.
Ok.
Your instructor.
Or sensei. Um... ok.
Ok, put your seatbelt on.
You're very good-Looking.
Nice. What?
It's good to look. Oh, ok.
Hello, Charlie, how are you?
Hi, uh, Steve.
It's nice to, uh...
Nice to meet you.
Oh. Nice to meet you, too.
Uh, ok, so, um,
Yeah, definitely put your seatbelt on.
Um...
Go ahead and, uh, pull out.
Should I check my mirrors, or...
It's not going to make any difference, dude, but go ahead.
Straight up where you're going, you're looking good.
You're... you're an authorized instructor, right?
Easy... yes, I'm an authorized instructor. Be careful.
This isn't Tiananmen square. This is not a tank.
Ok. This is a car.
Ok, sorry.
Your eyes, it would be good.
If you could open your eyes a little bit.
Just pop them open.
If you just open them up.
Yeah. Just try to...
Yeah, try to keep them open.
Look what I'm doing. See my eyes?
How they're open? Yeah.
Can you try to do that?
They... they are open.
Ehh...
How much do you think a massage would cost?
Like a...
I don't... I don't know.
But like, you know...
One of those massages.
What?
What...
[EXHALES]
Did I do something wrong, or...
It's just, you're driving really fuckin' dangerous right now.
Please, just try to concentrate on the road.
Open your eyes!
Come on. All right, listen.
Just stay there.
Um...
Just... please, stay on the road, stay on the road.
I don't know if this is safe.
Please, it's safer than having your eyes half closed.
Uh, ok.
Ok.
That eye is way better, right?
You can see better out of that eye now?
Uh, I guess so, yeah.
Do you notice a difference?
Yeah, yeah.
Stay on the road, stay on the road.
You're doing great, you're doing fine.
You're doing fine. There we go.
Careful, careful, please be careful.
Please be careful, please be careful.
Maybe after this, uh, some sort of hand job or something.
What? Just straight up.
S.A.T. Question.
Um, white people are to loving their daughters.
As Asian people are to...
Um... I don't know.
Blank their daughters.
White people love... daughters.
When Asian people have daughters, they...
Can only have one?
They kill them. They bury them alive.
So that they can have a boy.
Look, look, oh, my god. Please be careful.
Hey, my cell phone's not working right now.
Can you take a look at it and see what's wrong with it?
No!
Can I take this tape off now?
Do you think you're... are you going to open your eyes?
Yes.
I think that's super unsafe.
I feel like it's not really helping that much, but...
Ohh! That hurt?
When you came to this country, like...
I was born in this country, ok? Fuck you.
Oh, ok. By that, so when do you...
So who ordered you?
Is there some sort of crate situation?
No, there's no crate situation!
I'm more American than you are, Jew.
First of all, that's uncalled for.
You're uncalled for.
Oh, that's a dog. There's a dog right up there.
You want to pull over and get it? You want to grab it?
We'll fry it up for later, dude. We'll fry it up for later.
Dude, that's a giant one. That's a German shepherd, bro.
Pull over, we'll just get this.
What are you talking about?
Fuck it! It's gone now.
This is fucking ridiculous.
I can't believe I paid money for this class.
Listen, listen, I don't...
Some ugly ass old white guy.
I don't... I want this to end well, ok?
I want everyone to be happy. I want it to end happy.
- I just want a happy ending. - Shut the fuck up.
And if I can just get that happy ending,
- That would be... - What happy ending?
- $20 worth... - Are you fucking serious?!
Oh, money! No! Oh, my god!
I'm sorry.
I've been a little hard on you.
And I so sorry. I so, so sorry.
Really? Really?
[LAUGHS]
You probably don't even have a dick.
Do you watch child pornography?
You look like a pervert. You look like a fucking pervert.
You are getting me so horny right now.
Oh, my god.
I thought you were supposed to be my teacher.
I can barely see you. Is this what it's like to be you?
How do you get through life like this, man?
This is crazy. I so sorry.
How does this help me drive? I so sorry.
Just calm down, it's...
Ok, listen, this is going to seem weird,
But I just want to know.
Is your pussy like slanted, or...
Oww! Shut the fuck up!
Just... no hitting!
And if you're going to hit, use proper form.
It's a karate chop, and you say hyah.
You didn't say hyah. Oww!
What kind of karate do you know?
Um...
What happens if I would strike you? What would happen?
I'm not going to. Hyah!
[LAUGHS] Karate!
Are you sure this is...
All right, Hong Kong fooey,
Just please be careful.
You're going to fail. You're going to fail.
'Cause I'm going to sue your fucking ass.
You're not going to sue me. Yes, I am.
No, you're not. Yes, I am.
What are you going to sue me for?
I'm going to sue you for sexual harassment.
Oh, it wasn't harassment if you were asking for it.
I was not asking for it! You're fucking crazy!
Oh, yeah, sitting there looking all Asian.
And of course I'm not going to want to fuck?
Fucking asshole! Just because you can't get anything? Oh, my god!
Of course I'm going to want to fuck.
Careful, careful, careful, careful!
Sorry, Asian driver, Asian driver.
They're really terrible at driving. And lovemaking.
Dude, what is your problem, man?
Sorry. I'm sorry to get on you.
But it's important that you learn how to drive safely.
It's the only reason I'm hard on you.
Because you need to learn how to deliver food on time,
Otherwise people like me are angry.
That it's past 40 minutes.
Dude, that's not even Chinese food, that's domino's.
So fucking ridiculous!
All right, then $40! Would $40 do it?
$20, $40, what the fuck do you think I am?!
First of all, you already broke that 10. You're eating half of that.
That... oh, my god, you are the cheapest fucking...
I'm not cheap, I'm not going to waste money getting a hand job.
When I can go to some other place and get one for cheaper!
Oh, my god. You couldn't get a hand job if someone fucking paid you.
Your own hand doesn't even want to give you.
A fucking hand job, you creep.
I'm done with this. I'm through with this. You're an asshole!
Watch out! Somebody's going to hit you!
Fuck you!
Ok, I cut off for cutting people off,
Didn't look before turning,
Being a filthy Asian,
Cannot pronounce his Is, that's minus 7.
41%. Hey, asshole,
One more thing... fuck you.
Yeah, that's right, you better be scared.
I'll fucking karate punch you in the face. Asshole.
Oh, my.
That's going to be a 41, for the attitude,
I'm taking it down to a 38%.
38%.
Fuck this. Fuck this.
Don't pull over! We're in the... we're...
We're driving now. You are so fucking ridiculous.
So is it... is it horizontal...
Ow, fuck! Ow! Fuck!
Asians fighting back! Please! Ow! Ow!
Get out of the fucking car! Get back to your country.
Fuck you!
Oh... my... god.
Well, they love their job. They're great sitters.
I know. [CHUCKLES]
All right, sir, you, too. All right, bye.
Hi. How can I help you?
Hi, I'm just looking.
Well, welcome. We are new in town. New to Beverly Hills.
And we obviously offer everything baby-Related.
Stuffed animals, blocks, goobery gadgets.
We've got 'em for your little goobers.
Oh, yes, we need more stuff in our house, that's for sure.
Well, anything you see... cribs, toys, crayons,
And we also have babysitters.
Oh, you do? Yeah.
Oh, that's a good thing to know.
Do you have a card or something?
I'm... well, even better...
Always looking for babysitters.
If you have time, you can actually meet the sitters right now.
Really? Yeah.
Uh, ok.
Fantastic, great. Really?
Come on with me. Yeah.
All right.
What's the little guy's name? Luke.
All right. Come on, Luke, let's meet your new babysitters.
You're going to love them. Come on.
He's just so sweet.
Oh, thank you.
Right this way. Thank you.
Luke, your new sitters.
I'll let you guys get acquainted.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey, bitch. Hey, mike.
Hey, I'm telling you, no bullshit.
My cousin ray ain't giving me this... [INDISTINCT]
Like that.
Hold on, hold on, nigger. Hold on.
Get it.
What the fuck, are you going to fucking say something.
Or shit, what the fuck, are you just going to walk up in here...
No, I just was taken by surprise, I'm sorry.
Who are you guys? She was... I'm...
What? What the fuck?
Finish your goddamn sentence, bitch, what the fuck?
Uh, no, I just... I'm looking for babysitters.
My bad. I'm supposed to be nice.
We are the babysitters.
You're the babysitters?
We're the babysitters.
What's going on here, seriously?
We the babysitters.
You're... you can't be babysitters.
We're the fucking babysitters.
The niggers have fucking said it like 20 fucking times, damn!
Ok, ok, ok, all right. Is that your baby?
Yes.
How old is it?
He's 7 months.
We grand handshake...
I'm sorry, what is going on here?
This is really odd. Hey! Hey, boy.
Hey, I got your girl right here.
You know what, what we need to do,
Like, we need to find out like a schedule.
We can write down the schedule.
We got a crayon in this bitch somewhere.
So when do you need our services? Because, um...
That's what I'm saying, we can write down a schedule.
The sooner, the better I get paid,
The sooner I can pay the bills.
'Cause I got people to pay.
No, I'm sure that you do. No, we all have bills to pay.
Oh, yeah. But you know what...
Why are you being like this?
But you know what, my husband and I...
Is it 'cause we black?
I'm sorry, I didn't...
I didn't say anything about you being black.
First of all, my best friend's husband is like a quarter black.
Oh, shit, oh, shit. It's about to go down.
Oh, for real?
Motherfucker.
Your next baby can be half black, though.
No, you know what, this not funny at all, you guys.
I'm not laughing anymore.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
Honestly, this is... we're all set.
I think something's going on here.
We're all set in here! Thank you.
I think something's going on here.
Nothing's going on.
What do you mean, nothing ain't going on here?
Nothing's going on!
We want to baby-Sit the baby.
We're good.
You think you're too good for us.
You know what, do you have a card?
'Cause I can take your card. Yeah, we got a card.
Look on the fucking wall. Fuck the police.
That's the motherfucking card, bitch!
How much money are you going to give us for this?
I got to gets paid.
I got a welfare check didn't come through!
They come crop my water.
♪ All you got to do is give me some of that money
♪ take me out, about to get your ring
♪ about the baby, sit your baby
♪ do the damn thing
♪ with the malt liquor in my hand, I'm the man
Oh, my god!
I think Luke's all set.
Hey, you guys. Aww.
We've got a client. You guys nailed it.
She going to call us. We got that.
We got a client! I think we got a client.
[HUMMING]
All right, let's move forward now.
The next one's supposed to be a classic, according to bob.
What's the name of this one?
"Sperm lake." "Sperm lake."
[DUCKS QUACKING]
["SWAN LAKE" PLAYING]
Oh, no, it's a bunch of dudes.
Oh, no, not even one looks like a woman.
[SQUAWKING]
This is the kind of bullshit that made me stop going to the sauna at the gym.
[SQUAWKING]
["SWAN LAKE" ENDS]
♪ I see you standing there
♪ there on the wall
♪ I want to know if you're alone
[SQUAWKING]
[SONG CONTINUES]
[MOANING]
♪ got me, got me, got me bumping in this club
[TURNS OFF SONG, "SWAN LAKE" PLAYING]
[GRUNTING]
[SQUAWKING]
Ohhh.
[SQUAWKING]
Wow.
This may be the only show on the internet.
To actually get guys to stop jerking off.
Dude, relax.
The only way I could shoot my load watching this.
Will be trying to hit the eject button on the DVD player.
Ok. I think we need to get the bucket rating.
Ok, let's go to the bucket. Bob, what do you got?
9.2.
9.2? That's a lot.
There must be some blood mixed in there with that.
Ohh... wow.
That can't be good.
And the sticky bucket award goes to...
"Sperm lake," with a 9.2.
Well, this has been this week's podcast.
Of "the porno review." I'm JD.
And I'm Harriet. Bob.
We should take bob outside and hit him with a stick.
I think we should put him down.
Yeah.
We should get rid of bob.
"Flirty harry," a lone hero,
With the wind of a city on his shoulders.
Every night it just gets harder...
And longer...
And harder...
Knowing that these young men that I handcuff and punish.
Can actually walk the next day.
Oh, yes, yes, harry.
Once I finish nail, harry, he be ok.
You like semi-Gloss?
Actually, I don't know about the semi. I...
I like a nice hard finish.
Something about how smooth it feels.
When I squeeze each load down that barrel.
Yeah, like pop, pop, pop in the sky. Bright light, wow!
It doesn't really go in the sky.
It shoots kind of forward.
Ooh!
Funny, harry, very funny.
You want blow job?
That's all right.
Oh, I give him blow job.
No, I give him blow job. That's ok.
I give him blow job. I give him blow job.
BOTH: I give him blow job! I give him blow job!
Just a little.
That's ok. I can blow myself.
I'll get your bottle for you. I'll be right back.
When crime runs rampant...
[CRYING]
Flirty harry is there.
Freeze, asshole.
Don't move a muscle.
Drop it.
This could be nasty.
Ow! Damn!
Gotcha.
Goddamn, motherfucker!
Flirty harry...
One in the hole.
He always gets his man...
I can feel the bullet in my mouth,
You motherfucker!
In the end.
I'm gonna kill you, bitch!
Right... we shouldn't stay.
Oh, please.
[LAUGHS]
Ooh! It feels good. [LAUGHS]
How are you? How you doin'?
Ahh... wow.
Hey, tomorrow,
We should hurry and check out.
Ok? And, uh...
I'm sorry, am I interrupting or...
Oh, no, no, no.
Ok. Great.
Ooh.
You guys visiting, or...
We're from st. Louis.
Oh, that's great. I'm from Iowa.
Oh, good. You having a nice vacation?
Actually, uh, I'm meeting my boyfriend.
He lives here and we met online,
And it's kind of our first weekend.
To actually meet face to face. So...
Oh, really?
It's been great. [LAUGHS]
Cool. I'm Diane.
Oh, Diane, I'm Cindi.
I'm jack.
Oh, great. Excellent.
What are you guys doing tonight?
We'll probably hit the bar or get some drinks.
We are, too. Maybe we can do a double date or something.
I don't know. Just think about it.
Sure. Sure, why not? See you guys in the bar, yeah.
Might be Mr. Right.
Sounds like a nice guy.
Yeah, he's really sweet.
Hey, mama.
Hi, baby!
How you be doin'?
I've been missing you.
Where you been? Where you been? Mmm!
Mmm! Come here!
[MOANING]
Um...
[INDISTINCT]
What you doin' up in here?
Hey, this is, uh, Diane and jack.
We're just talking.
What y'all be up to? What's up?
Guys, this is him.
So what it do? How you be?
How you doin'?
How are you? How you be doin'?
They're gonna maybe go for drinks with us tonight.
Oh, yeah, some [INDISTINCT]?
Double date.
Oh, I don't know, yeah.
Nice. That sounds like the shit.
Can I get a chocolate martini?
Yeah, and I'll get a white vanilla rockatini.
We really should go.
So you can have...
Baby...
Yeah, why don't we leave you guys.
To have some privacy. It's cool.
Oh, come on, you guys, we're just having fun.
Oh, come on.
No, it's fine. We had a long day today.
We should probably get...
Sit down. Sit down!
So, um, so what do you do for a living?
Uh, I am an insurance salesman.
Boring. Yeah?
I need some insurance.
I bet you do. I need some insurance on my dick.
Hey, Seth.
You look like Seth Rogan or something like that.
I have got that before.
Yeah? He got a big dick, I heard.
Some girl I fucked last week,
She fucked him two weeks before that,
She couldn't even walk. She was like, dude...
She could not even walk. She...
She had a wheelchair.
Bitch had a remote control wheelchair.
Like, bitch said hello and did me like that,
I'd put her in a coma.
Seth Rogan put her in a wheelchair,
I put that bitch in a coma.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Give me that ear. Give me that ear.
DIANE: I'm gonna be sick.
[LAUGHING]
Who's my big black daddy?
Hey, Seth. Why don't you go ahead, switch with my girl,
Let me have your girl.
[BOTH TALKING AND LAUGHING]
I'd enjoy that. I can totally do it.
Hey, jack, I've got room in my mouth.
Diane.
Hi.
You had your stomach played with inside?
I can make your stomach gurgle.
Like a motherfuckin' Alka-Seltzer pill.
When he put his dick in me, I thought he popped an organ.
It was like... aah! What was that?!
Oh, my god, her kidney!
Oh, my god, I felt him poking me in my fuckin' throat.
You know what I mean?
You're being very disgusting.
Oh, please. Why are you being like this?
Jack, I know you're getting hard.
We're just trying to have fun.
I know, we were just having fun, too. We're just relaxing.
You know what? We should just leave you to have fun together.
Yeah, you guys will have more fun if we're not here.
Ain't no fun if the homeys can't have none.
Come on. I'm a homey.
Let's shake our titties together.
Just you and me shakin' and bouncin' our titties.
Just bounce it. Just bounce it.
Have a little fun.
Let me do it to you. Let me do it to you.
Hey, jack, you like anal?
No. No.
Whoa. Whoa.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, my goodness.
I want that big black dick in me.
You feel it? You feel it?
Aah! Aah!
No, no, no! No, no. No, no.
[SHOUTING]
We don't want to be in this when you guys are having sex.
Come on, jack, you know you want a piece of this.
Why are you gonna leave?
Don't touch me!
[INDISTINCT]
Come on, don't leave, you fuckin' pussy!
Uh, hello, sir. How are you?
Hmm? Ok.
Can I, uh, ask you a question?
I'm trying to get a petition going.
I'm trying to get Jews to apologize for killing Jesus.
I'm trying to get as many signatures as I can.
I'm sorry, what did you say?
I'm trying to get Jews, yiddle littles,
Um, Hebrews,
To apolo... to...
You know you're in a Jewish market?
Yeah, I came to find them. They, uh...
I... I... I'm sorry, I... what is... is this a...
Are you sorry? That's great.
So if you'll sign this and say sorry about...
No, I... I did not kill Jesus.
Yeah, but... I mean, your people did.
Are you for real here?
What are you doing in a Jewish market here.
Talking to Jews this way?
How do you talk like that?
Why do all you guys talk like such victims?
[WHINING] Nnn... nnn...
Nn... nnn...
That's what you sound like all the time.
All the time.
I'm sorry, I just... I'm not gonna talk to you.
All right, fair enough.
Jeez...
By the way, we're giving away, uh,
Across the street, 50% off rhinoplasties.
Get out of here! A nose job...
Get away from me!
You don't want 50% off...
No, I don't!
Wow. Wow.
Hi, how are you? Hi.
Uh, oh, yeah.
Good price.
Hey.
Remember Jesus.
And how you guys killed him?
We're just try... I'm trying to get,
Um, some people to sign the petition.
Just to, uh...
"Sorry for killing Jesus" petition. Uh...
Jesus Christ. Yeah.
If I could just get your Jew name here.
Are you serious?
Totally.
What do...
How do you guys get such curly hair?
Like, do you perm this? Excuse me.
Excuse me. Stop.
Please don't touch my hair. Ok?
It's really...
Do... like, what do you do to it?
Why don't you just cut it?
Or smooth it out?
It doesn't work.
Do you think that's because god is punishing you?
Maybe. Maybe he is.
Maybe it's because you haven't apologized...
Excuse me. Father or minister or whatever you are,
I think it's really rude of you to come in here and...
Ok, I get you don't want to sign it. Perhaps...
This is ridiculous.
Uh, Mr. Copper Abraham Lincoln.
Would, uh, change your mind?
'Cause Jews love money, right?
Mm-Hmm. Mm-Hmm.
Very tempting. Very tempting.
No, thank you.
Excuse me. I'm just trying to shop.
Would you want to be nailed to a cross?
Your legs and your hands...
Nobody does that anymore.
No, they don't.
So, just apologize for the last one.
You know he was special to us.
Fine. Go find someone to breed with.
Are you serious? Jeez.
Hi, how are you?
I'm ok. How are you? Good.
Uh, I'm here today... it's great food here.
But I'm here today to...
Sorry, I don't know what you're doing in here, but I need you to leave.
I don't want you bothering my customers.
Ok. I apologize. I'm sorry.
You... yeah, thank you.
Didn't... did somebody tell on me?
No, I saw you from behind the counter.
You're bothering...
Was there a collaborator that came over to you?
No, it wasn't a collaborator.
It was just me with my own eyes,
Seeing you bothering my customers.
Ok, I was just... honestly, I'm just trying to get some...
Some...
Ok, if you're going to shop.
And get some stuff, you're more than...
That's right. I apologize. It was my fault.
Ok, more than happy.
Just... sorry.
Don't bother customers, ok? Ok.
Thank you. Thank you.
Were you the one that told?
You're right. I... I...
Trying to get to the other side...
Nnn... nnn...
Hey, look at the little Jew apples.
They're so tiny.
Get less for your money.
Um, so, hey. If you could sign our petition?
We're just trying to get some, uh,
Jews to apologize for killing Jesus.
Just try to, uh... [SCOFFS]
Make things all even.
Yeah. No, uh, you know,
I don't sign my name to anything.
That I haven't read completely,
So, no... no, thank you.
It says right here, "sorry for killing Jesus petition."
And then, here's your Jew name,
And if you still know your Jew number,
And then, whether or not you're sorry.
Oh, my god. Miriam? Is that your name?
No. Ok.
Well, I'm sorry to, uh...
I, uh, don't mean to bother you.
I apologize.
My fault.
These look better.
Can you smell that?
Can you smell the penny?
Enough already. Ok.
Ok? I don't want to have to come out here again.
Ok, I can see your friend. He's got a camera here.
I mean... yeah. We're just...
You're not very inconspicuous,
What you're doing here with my customers.
If the owner was here right now,
I could get in a lot of trouble, so, uh...
Ok, I'm... ok.
If you're gonna shop here, that's absolutely fine.
Just stay away from the customers,
- If you would, please. - Ok, ok. Sorry.
- Ok? - Sorry.
- Thank you. - Ok.
I understand. I'll go now.
I just... ok, I'll stay away from them.
Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah. What's up?
[LAUGHING] Jerry Seinfeld.
"Hello, Newman."
Uh, I'm trying to get a, uh, petition going.
For, um... yeah? What's it for?
I'm just trying to get,
Um, Jews to, uh, sign a petition.
Saying they're sorry that... that Jesus got killed,
And their role of that.
It's just kind of like...
Are... are you bored or something?
Are... are you serious? I'm just...
It's just there's a lot of hatred in the world.
I'm just trying to cure that.
Come on. Just sign. Just sign it.
Just be the guy who takes the initiative.
And gets in there and apologizes for what you people did.
Ok, fine. All right. Awesome.
Uh, go ahead. Write your name down there.
It says, "Jew name." Yeah.
The Jew's name.
Come on, man.
Ok, I'll start you off.
"David"...
Ok, my name is David.
Ok, should I put for occupation,
Should I put banker?
Uh, running media?
Really?
Running media. Ok.
Also, we're giving away,
And I think you might like this,
50% off rhinoplasties.
Um...
Discount nose jobs. 50% off, um...
My nose is...
My no... your nose is bigger than mine.
But really, you're just deflecting now.
Your nose is humongous.
No, it's not.
Pear.
How are you?
[SIGHS] Not too bad, not too bad.
Do you want to sign my petition?
What's it all about?
I'm trying to get...
[SIGHS] Jews to sign this petition.
Saying they're sorry about the killing of Jesus.
And none of these hymies will... will do it,
And it's just frustrating,
'Cause I'm just trying to bring people together.
Yeah. I mean, why not?
All right. Awesome, man.
"Name." Just put your name there.
Name. Name's "fuck you."
All right.
Ok. Thank you.
If you're not going to be serious about this.
I mean, what the fuck, dude?
So, you're not sorry about the killing of Jesus?
Is he doing it again?
Why... you again? You're always bothering me!
You're bothering my customers. Out you go.
I wish it was 6 million and one.
Ohh! Out. Immediately.
- Get out of here. - Stop, stop, stop!
I didn't mean any harm.
Stop! You're crucifying me.
Stop it! You're a real jerk, you know that?
This is what you did to Jesus, too.
- Stop, stop, stop! - Get out of here.
I will sue you.
Well, doctor, I just, you know,
Find that I'm having trouble.
Opening up in my relationships,
Really being vulnerable.
The thing is is that I think this comes from my childhood.
My... my parents got divorced at a young age,
And I feel like my father leaving.
Has really, you know, taken a... a chunk out of my self-Esteem.
Mm-Hmm. That's a shame.
You know, I feel like there's a good girl inside of me,
And a raunchy raven that comes out.
When I have sex with some stranger.
Hmm? You know, my... my self-Esteem issues.
Let's get back to the sex.
Uh, what kind of sex are you talking about?
Sex with... with, um, many, many men.
Sometimes in groups as, you know...
You're with a doctor. You can be specific.
Well, hand jobs, blow jobs, gagging,
Double penetration, facials,
Dry humping,
Sex with toys, role play, whips,
Chains, the whole gamut.
I've... I've just spent years drowned in a...
In a pool of semen.
You know?
That's interesting. Drowning.
Trying to get out and be myself,
But just being covered in... in nameless...
Mm-Hmm. Faceless...
Semen.
[CRYING] Then I...
Then I started doing the drugs.
What do the drugs make you do?
They would take me to a whole new level.
With... with this sex,
This disgusting, you know, base,
Depraved, animalistic.
Like I wasn't even human anymore.
I was just this thing. [MOANING]
And I just...
I wanted to get fucked all night long,
And I just wanted to bang, bang,
Bang all night long.
You know? And it didn't matter who it was.
I'd take any guy that... that came and I would face him.
We'd do it wherever... wherever.
Do you have any of those drugs on you?
Yeah.
Can I see them?
How many of these drugs did you take?
No more than 1/2 or look out.
It makes everything more difficult.
It makes my friendships,
You know, just fall apart.
Nobody trusts me or...
How could they trust you?
Who would trust me? I... you're a bad girl.
I am a bad, bad girl. Mm-Hmm.
And it's just so embarrassing.
[WEEPING]
[CRUNCHING]
[GULP]
5 minutes for the drugs, huh?
Uh, yeah.
And, um... mm-Hmm.
I had to change. I started praying a lot.
Oh, that's not gonna work.
And, um, you know,
Really trying to find the lord.
What would he know? He never even had sex.
Ohh.
Sorry.
It's ruined my life,
But it's so nice to finally meet a man I can talk to.
[CRUNCHING]
And you're really listening to me, you know?
I'm in pain and I'm... I'm finally unloading it on you.
And ohh! It's hard.
You know, to... to get it out,
And I feel like you listen to me.
And I feel like, you know,
That it's not about the $300 that I'm paying you.
I feel like you really... uh, $400. Mm-Hmm.
I feel like it's about, you know,
Like a connection that you and I have. I can see it.
[COUGHING]
You're feeling what I'm going through,
And it's so... it's so wonderful.
It's ok, you're...
I can see you're right here with me.
[CHOKING] You know?
And it's just like, I've never cried with a man before.
This is beautiful.
I just... I feel like we're...
You're connected to me, you know, and...
[CHOKING]
Uhh!
Is the hour up?
[HUMMING]
P.A: Dr. Gordon...
[DOOR OPENS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
My baby mama be in a minute.
You got any more books?
How y'all doing?
This your first time down here?
Yeah. Oh, ok.
You nervous?
Yes.
Yeah, you should be.
I bet you wear a rubber next time, huh?
Got you down here at the chop shop.
So, how long y'all been waiting?
An hour. I don't know.
Damn! They got you signing.
All types of unnecessary paperwork and shit?
And on top of that, 600 stacks.
600 Benjamin's down the tube.
No pun intended, 'cause I know.
It's a sensitive time for you and your girl, you know?
It's all right. It is what it is, sir.
Yeah, man. It is what it is,
And it was what it was.
When you was tearin' that ass up.
Across the kitchen sink, huh?
So, how you gonna pay for this, man?
How's your cash flow?
I don't know, man.
It's not that great.
That's what I figured. Hey, yo.
You should have got this shit done in Vegas.
They got slot machines in the abortion clinic in Vegas.
You know what I'm saying? Cha-Ching!
They give you a chance to get your money back in Vegas.
A lot of the doctors will go double or nothing with you, too,
'Cause they gamble.
Great.
Hey, hey. I got the hook-Up, though.
If you want to take care of it,
I could sell you, like, 500 stacks.
Y'all like hook-Ups?
You know, like, free... free 99? You know?
What are you talking about?
This right here. Fuck all these books.
I can take care of this right now.
You know what I'm saying? Ha ha!
Oh, my god. Yeah!
You wanna do this? Are you serious?
Are you out of your mind?
No, I ain't out of my mind.
I'm trying to save y'all some money, man.
Are you kidding me?
No, baby. Come on.
We can get it crackin' right now.
Go around the corner,
I snatch that bad boy right up out of her ass.
Oh, my god. Are you joking?
No, I ain't joking, man.
This is how I make my money.
Come on, now. Let's get it crackin'.
No, no, no. That is horrible.
Oh, baby. I ain't mean to scare you.
I'm just trying to help you...
Put it... put that away.
Oh, y'all don't wanna do this?
That is so offensive.
You already at the slaughterhouse. Let's get this crackin'.
Please put that away. This conversation...
That is so rude.
I... I tell you what. I tell you what.
How about I do a 2 for 1 special,
With her and this other ho over here.
Who can't keep her legs closed,
And we get it crackin'.
Like "invasion of the body snatchers" up in here.
How about that? Holiday special.
Excuse me? A whore?
Oh, I... no, I didn't... I said "ho," not "whore."
There's a difference, baby.
I can use one end for you and one end for her,
And we ain't gotta keep sterilizing this motherfucker with my weed lighter.
You understand what I'm saying?
We could do this right now for $100 straight up. No tax.
- Please go away. - Are you out of your mind?
I tell you what, I cut a deal with you
'Cause this is a recession.
How about I just kick her down the stairs for 50?
- This conversation is... - Screw you.
I am getting security.
Oh, you gonna call security now?
Well, I'm on probation. I gotta get up out of here.
You know, O.J. Done fucked it up for everybody.
- [KNOCKING] Security. - Excuse me.
Y'all need to respect the recession.
Sir, you need to...
Meet me around the corner if you change your mind.
We can get it crackin'. You know what I'm sayin'?
Just leave us alone, please.
Ok. Hey, you know what?
Keep the hanger. Keep the hanger.
[GASPS] Ohh.
Things you'll never see.
A beautiful girl...
MAN: Look what I got for you.
Dating an older man...
Baby, I'm buying this for you.
Who's poor.
No. Aww.
I don't want you spending your hard-Earned money on me.
Aww. Baby.
We've got an agreement.
You put out, I'll pay your rent.
You hear me, bitch?
Ohh. You don't want the dress?
Well, fuck it. Uh-Uh.
[CLATTERING]
Come over here and give me.
That long, beautiful tongue of yours.
[BOTH MOANING]
[CRASH]
ANNOUNCER: That was...
Things you'll never see.
[HUMMING]
Come get your boat rides.
Free one-Way trips on a boat.
Who loves boats?
Luxury cruise.
Can I interest anyone in a luxury cruise.
On a steamliner?
Are you interested in a boat trip?
Look me in the eye.
That would be a lot more respectful.
Like you don't know your place. How are you guys?
Hey.
Can I interest you guys in a boat ride?
We're giving away free boat rides today.
- Boat ride? - Yeah, it's a free boat ride.
It's... it's... we're trying to get, uh,
What do you guys call yourself?
African-Americans to, uh, back to Africa.
Um, you know, where you're from.
Hey, man, I'm from here.
What the hell are you talking about?
There's been a lot of talk.
About how white people stole, uh, black people.
And brought them here.
So, we're trying to make up for those wrongs.
By, um, offering free trips back.
I'm from here, man. I'm from this city.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Please, dr. Huxtable. Take it down a notch.
Uh, I'm just trying to help you.
I'm just trying to...
'Cause I don't have 40 acres. I don't have a mule.
Dude, what is your problem?
Oh, no. He didn't say that.
It's free, sir. It's free.
Africa is a wonderful place.
You guys, if you just step on,
We could... we'd have a great time.
There's tons of stuff in here.
There's malt liquor, if you guys...
Malt liquor? Yeah.
I don't drink, all right?
I can't drink.
Hey, calm down. Fine. Kool-Aid.
Say whatever you want.
But we... we have everything.
If you want to get your hair done,
There's a salon.
Kool-Aid and malt liquor?
It's called fantastic Sambo's.
Hey, hey, hey! This is my wife.
No, you need to calm down.
Hey, look. No, no, no.
Come on. Don't get... don't get upset, sir.
I'm just trying to be the nice one here.
I'm just trying to help people.
You're fucking trying to be nice?
Why don't you get this piece of shit off the...
I'm trying to, but I need to fill it up.
We don't have all day. With what?
What are you going to fill it up with?
Just come on. It's a great time.
I wouldn't have came down here.
Did you tell them about the basketball?
Yeah, we have basketball.
Don't be angry.
We have sunflower seeds, as well.
If that's at all of interest to you.
Sir, have you ever tasted lion meat?
It's delicious.
He said you're number one. Africa.
Free trips to Africa.
Look at these two. Hi. Hello.
Hi. Can I interest, uh,
Can I interest you in a free boat trip?
Where? Are you guys with each other?
Where?
Oh, we're giving free, uh, trips to... to Africa.
To Africa!
What's the situation here?
- What do you mean? - Hold on. What?
You never get white guys with black chicks.
Really?
Not since the next-Door neighbors.
On "the Jefferson's." Listen, in Africa, you belong.
You won't need that helmet hair.
You know what? You talking about I am.
Supposed to be not human?
Holding a watermelon?
You know what? If I come up that fuckin' plank,
Your ass is going in that damn water.
Don't let me come up there.
Look, we have chicken, and I will make you waffles.
Listen, in Africa, your violence will be rewarded.
Instead of punished.
Violence? Your violent nature.
You know what you need to do?
You need to get your ass out of here.
Were you a security guard at the jail she was in?
Are you serious?
What you need to do is open your eyes.
Do these glasses work? Let me see.
Do they work? Oh, please.
Do they work? I don't think they work.
Do you have to steal everything?
- Do you want them back? - Yes, I would.
There. You can have them back.
Because I am a civilized person.
I'm not gonna beat your ass fuckin' senseless.
Civilized people don't even think about it.
How much shit do you got back there?
What the fuck, dude?
We have everything you'd need for the trip.
This is really stupid.
Don't you know we're in the 21st century, all right?
That's what I'm trying to say!
If you bleed, you're red.
If she bleeds, you're... what the fuck?
Eat it. Ok, ok. All right.
It smells delicious. Eat it.
Follow it. Eat...
Eat the fucking chicken, you goddamn freak.
You can do it. Eat it.
Come on. Let's just see how it feels.
If you just... ♪ follow me
What I want you to do... yes.
I want you to look at people.
And realize that your ass is not
100% whatever the fuck you are.
Shouldn't you be keeping your eye on her.
So she doesn't run away?
She's not gonna run away.
You know... easy, easy.
See, this is the problem.
You guys should be on the boat.
Yeah, she wasn't into it at all.
Fuckin' wait. Just fuckin' wait.
Whoo!
It's like they don't know.
We're trying to give a gift.
It is a gift. You're a good man.
Free trips to Africa.
Who wants a free trip?
Free trips. Hello, ma'am. How are you?
Hi. Can I interest you in a...
Would you like free stuff?
I love free stuff. Yeah.
We're giving away, uh, free trips today.
Free, uh, boat rides.
You guys should go.
You should totally go.
Sounds fun.
Yeah. We only have room for one more.
So, just her. I'm really sorry.
Oh, no. My friend has to come with me.
I know! Ohh. I know.
I'd love to have you there,
But no, it's just...
It's not really for you.
It's all we could have right now.
All what? Just black people.
We're trying to get them to go back to Africa.
Because, um, well, one, that's where you're from.
And two, a lot of people don't want you here.
Are you black? Just to make sure.
I'm totally not one of them, but...
Wait. Is this for real?
You know, she's very light-Skinned.
Well, how... how... what percentage black are you?
Yeah, she's black.
I have a shade...
Check the shade thing.
Oh, my god!
Sir, this is really fucked up.
- You can't be serious. - You can't do that.
It is fucked up.
You're, like third from the... third from the left.
Third from the right.
That's really, yeah.
Let's show her where she could go.
You'd be in, like, Liberia.
Or one of the outer... outer nations.
Ok, you... you guys really have a problem.
In this area.
You don't need to put up with this bullshit.
You guys are both fucking racists. Just so you know.
- Uh, I'm racist? - Yes.
Uh, who's the one trying to hang out with a black girl.
So she looks better?
What? Yeah, yeah.
She's my best friend.
Guess what? Nailed it.
You wanna hang out with minorities.
So people like you better.
But you're a minority. You're a Jew.
[SHOUTING] I am not a Jew!
Yeah, well, you look like it.
They're the grossest of the gross.
Listen, Africa's an amazing place.
The movies start 10 minutes late,
And you can talk all the way through them.
Oh, my god!
There's acres of watermelon,
If you're interested at all in that.
We don't need to... a watermelon?
Yeah. You wanna eat it?
It's delicious and refreshing.
We have basketball courts.
I'm gonna put this up.
First of all, you don't even know me.
I can't even believe you would do this.
Yeah, you don't even know her.
Do you hate watermelon?
I don't even like watermelon.
Come on, Brandi. You know you wanna go.
So, because I'm black and fried chicken is...
Is that fried chicken? Come on.
You guys are ridiculous.
Can you smell it? Oh, my god.
I cannot believe you.
Fuck you. You're an asshole.
Come on. Let's... ok. Come back.
You know what? No. Fuck you.
Yeah, who are you to say that this...
You're ridiculous.
I'll teach you how to play the spoons.
Oh, my god. You guys.
I cannot believe you're doing...
Can you imagine not having to worry.
About the police anymore?
Yeah. I'm gonna fuck you up.
I swear to god.
I'm gonna fuck you up.
Yeah, we're gonna go.
Of course you are.
Violence. It's always about violence.
Africa.
Free trips to mother Africa.
Jesus, did you see the size of her ass?
We're gonna be here another hour.
Africa.
Want to go to Africa?
Anybody? Anybody? Africa?
Look what I made.
Very nice.
- Free trips to Africa. - Free.
Who wants a free trip to Africa?
Free.
Chicken. Get the chicken. Free.
How are you, sir?
Motherfuckers, have you lost your goddamn mind?
Can we interest you in our free trip to Africa?
- A free trip to Africa? - Free.
What the fuck is this shit?
Are you guys together? Ma'am?
Yeah, this is my lady, homey.
Are you ok, ma'am?
Hey, don't talk to my lady, homey.
- Are you all right? - Hey.
Hey, don't talk to my lady, homey.
Motherfuckin'... motherfucker, racist piece of shit.
What the fuck is the matter with you, dog?
Calm down. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Tupac insecure.
What the fuck do you mean, trying to help me out?
Trying... no, look.
We have tons of fun stuff on here.
Why not help your motherfuckin' ass out, homey?
See? This is the problem.
Breathe.
All right, easy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude.
Dude! Dude!
Hey. Hey.
No, no, no.
Dude, it's a joke!
It's a joke. Look. Fuck you. Fuck you.
Yo. Fuckin'.
Fuck-Ass motherfucker.
Kill you, motherfucker.
Hey, hey!
Hey. Let go. Let go.
Slow down here. Come on. Come on. Break it up.
Break it up.
Come on.
[INDISTINCT]
Come on, break it up.
Come on. That's enough.
Stop it!
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
Just do what he says. Come on. Let's go.
What the fuck you talking about,
- This is a joke? - What's going on here?
Stay over there. Stay over there.
Get back. Get back.
What's going on?
We're doing a hidden camera show.
We're doing a fucking hidden camera thing.
Dude, it's... it's not serious.
You got a permit to be here?
You got a film permit?
No, we don't have a film permit.
Come on.
You don't have a film permit?
No.
It's all a joke, dude.
But it's not fuckin' funny.
No, no. Dude, come on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Dude! Dude! [INDISTINCT] Motherfucker.
I need backup. Jesus, Mary.
[SQUEAKING]
You know, this ain't gonna work.
If the dick don't taste good.
Must you use your fuckin' finger, man?
Shut up, man.
Nasty motherfucker. Shh, shh.
Did you really have to use your finger, nick?
Shut up.
You got a 1/2-Inch spot on the motherfucker.
You nasty. Ha ha!
This nigger is gay.
I ain't gay.
Your daddy's husband is gay.
[LAUGHING] Come on.
I see why your woman left you.
You can't attract a mouse.
Goddamn. You smell that? Come on.
You smell that?
Come on, man. Put it in there further.
That's all the dick you got?
What's that yellow shit dripping out of there before the fucking cheese?
Hey, he gonna be the first male with a yeast infection.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Oh! Oh, shit!
[ALL LAUGHING AND CHATTERING]
You all chase that.
Chase that cream.
[LAUGHING]
Get that shit.
You ain't never had nothin' like this.
Made a date right now.
[LAUGHING]
You got the littlest dick out of everybody.
Aah!
[LAUGHING]
Uhh!
[INDISTINCT]
It's an experience.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Come on. Come over here.
Come on over here.
Is he eating the cheese or sucking your dick?
[LAUGHING]
He got cheese all over...
Come on.
He doesn't even work for his shit.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, shit.
He must have been...
[GASPS]
[LAUGHING]
Get that shit, nigger.
Shh. He's scared now.
Come on, come on. Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Need a bear trap. [GIGGLING]
Ooh, ooh, ooh,
Got cheese all over my face.
Oh, shit.
Come on.
Ooh, there he go.
Aah!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Dude! Ooh!
[LAUGHING]
Get it off. Get this shit off!
Get it off! Get it... get it off!
You touch the motherfucker. You gonna get it.
Uhh! Shit!
[SHOUTING AND LAUGHING]
No more, man.
[LAUGHING AND HOOTING]
Ooh!
[LAUGHING]
[MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING]
[GROWLING]
[GOAT BLEATING]
U.S. Government.
Stay back, please.
Gift. Gift. Tofa, tofa for you.
He's their problem now.
Oh, no, no, no, not sand people.
Oh, please, not Arabs. They smell so bad!
Come on, please!
My Jew taxes pay your salaries! Please don't go!
Oh, you guys stink so bad, please. This is like Detroit.
[SPEAKING ARABIC]
Oh, please don't come near me.
Oh, I hate the smell.
I can bring you children. I can totally bring you children.
Deodorant.
Towels are for washing, not for wearing.
Oh, I hate Arabs so much!
No!
[SHOUTING]
No, no, no, it's gonna touch.
I know where Jews are.
I can find you Jews.
[ALL SHOUTING]
[SPEAKING ARABIC]
All right, no one understands you.
Are those even words?
Stand up.
You smell like a black nightclub.
Your beards are horrible!
Are you one of them females or the males?
[SPEAKING ARABIC]
You stink when you talk so much.
Please, put down the guns and pick up some soap.
No! [COCKS WEAPON]
[ULULATING] Noooo!
Hmm...
Hmm?
Mmm... ohh...
[ALL CLAMORING]
Lindsay, can we shoot you?
Sure.
[ALL CHATTERING]
This way! This way!
Over here!
Ah, perfect!
Ok, you guys got your shot.
Can I shoot you?
Yeah, sure, here.
Konichiwa, bitch.
Really?
♪ I want you to know
♪ I'm gonna get...
We're out... wrap.
Ok, here we go.
It's his love that breaks the table.
And then he punches here in her snatch with... sorry.
[LAUGHING]
You know you don't want to say it...
Slant-Eyed poontang, slant-Eyed poontang, slant-Eyed poontang.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Thank you for giving me that line.
Enjoy it. Ha ha ha!
Thank god. In case you missed it.
[INDISTINCT SONG]
There's all kinds of sex.
With cocky, bears and cubs,
Role play, s& M, leather.
Hand jobs, blow jobs, all fours. Anal sex.
Let's do it one more time.
But don't do the bears and cubs. I don't like that.
I don't even know what that is.
[LAUGHTER]
♪ come on and don't get in danger
♪ I won't let you
Go ahead...
Blow 'em...
Away.
[BUZZING]
That's a cut.
Try it again. There was a fuckin' chainsaw in the background.
What was that, guys? Wrong movie.
I would've made up a real motherfuckin' nigger,
You would have heard me.
You heard me, motherfucker bitch?
Fuck, kick you in the street.
In the street, nigger! Yeah, yeah!
Get fucked in the ass.
Oh...
I mean, no, I mean...
Not really, but you know.
I d...
Nigger, you are some other type of shit.
But what I'm sayin' is, I get fucked in the ass, but I like it.
Nigger, I'm putting myself in time-Out.
Shut the fuck up!
[LAUGHING]
What the... ha ha ha!
As we often hear in the industry, you know, uh...
Roles dry up with your vajoosh, your puss...
Your pussy.
I'm sorry, I have trouble saying the word.
Pussy, pussy, pussy!
Ok, sorry. Ok.
[LAUGHING]
All right.
I quit.
[LAUGHING]
The... I...
You know, uh, maybe, you know,
We could get a job at like a porn shop or something.
You know, like, you know, this whole thing.
Like I don't want to be subservient to bob's fuckin' playlist,
You know what I'm sayin'?
I'll be back when my little blue pill kicks in. Ok?
Hang on.
[GIGGLING]
Isn't it delicious?
Man, you look just like Marilyn Monroe.
[CHATTER AND LAUGHTER]
Wait...
Action!
You feel the breeze from the subway?
Uh-Huh.
Isn't it delicious?
Man, you look just like Marilyn Monroe on that grate.
The grate again.
We both fucked that one up.
She has no kind of...
Huh? Hello?
Hey, hey!
Bro, what the fuck?
What are you, a prosthetics dealer?
Fuck, was that the guy from shamwow?
[LAUGHTER]
Come on, feed 'em the matzo brei...
Come on.
Come on, little jewess.
That's right.
I feel sorry for you. You're pathetic.
Why am I pathetic?
You're a nutcase.
I'm trying to do something proactive.
You're a nutcase.
What the...
They got the dollar!
They got the fuckin' dollar.
Those crafty motherfuckers.
They fucking got the dollar. Goddamn it!
I got nothin'.
[LAUGHTER]
Cut! Cut!
End scene.
♪ This revolution starts when you're movin'
♪ don't wanna step to me unless you plan on losin'
♪ not here to brag, not here for thrills
♪ I'm here to battle, baby, I dance to kill
♪ fall in, shakin' like a leaf
♪ bucklin' at the knees, stop dragging your feet
♪ time to go all in
♪ time for standing tall, move to kill 'em all
♪ no win, lose, or draw
♪ get your back off the wall
♪ get your, get your, get your back, get your back off the wall
♪ we dig them trenches
♪ so they be trippin'
♪ I'm on the front lines
♪ I seen 'em flinchin'
♪ annihilation of the enemy
♪ wrath pours down when I move my feet
♪ all my new recruits
♪ now you're in my troop
♪ shake 'em in their boots
♪ time to go all in
♪ they can scratch and claw
♪ we ain't backin' off
♪ time to lay down the law
♪ get your back off the wall
♪ get your back off the wall, get your back off the wall
♪ get your, get your back, get your back off the wall
♪ get your back off the wall, you get your back off the wall
♪ get your back off the wall, wall, wall
♪ get your back off the wall
♪ you get, you get your, get your back off the wall
♪ get your back off the wall, get your back off the wall
♪ get your, get your back, get your back off the wall
♪ get your, get your back
♪ get your back off the wall
♪ we dig them trenches
♪ so they be trippin'
♪ I'm on the front lines
♪ I seen them flinchin'
♪ annihilation of the enemy
♪ wrath pours down when I move my feet
♪ all my new recruits
♪ now you're in my troop
♪ shake 'em in their boots
♪ time to go all in
♪ they can scratch and claw
♪ we ain't backin' off
♪ time to lay down the law
♪ get your back off the wall
♪ get your back off the wall, get your back off the wall
♪ get your, get your back, get your back off the wall
♪ get your back off the wall, you get your back off the wall
♪ get your back off the wall
♪ get your back off the wall, wall, wall
♪ get your back off the wall
♪ get your, get your back, get your back off the wall
♪ get your back off the wall, get your back off the wall
♪ get your back off the wall
♪ get your back off the wall, get your back off the wall
♪ get your, get your back off the wall
♪ get your, get your back
♪ get your back off the wall
♪ get your, get your back
♪ get your back off the wall
♪ get your, get your
♪ get your back off the wall
♪ get your, get your
♪ get your back off the wall
♪ get your, get your back
♪ get your back off the wall
♪ no win, lose, or draw