[water lapping]
♪
Closed Captioning produced by iProbe Multilingual Solutions iprobesolutions.com
♪
[phone ringing]
(Jeff) Hey, this is Jeff.
(Elise) And Elise! Yep, we did it!
(Elise) I'm finally moving in! Because we're getting married in a few weeks!
(Jeff) Okay, just leave me -- us -- a message.
(Elise) Bye!
[beep] (Mike) Hey, it's Mike, your friendly neighborhood travel agent.
Yep, summer's here, so just a few last-minute details to go over
for your Paris honeymoon, and then we're all...
(recording) Leçon 3: Freezer... Le congélateur
Congélateur.
(recording) [French phrase]
Toilettes .
(recording) Plus de vin s'il vous plaît
Combien coûte ce chemisier?
(Elise) S'il vous -- wow. Armoire!
Plaqué! Plaque!
Évier!
(recording) [French phrase]
(Elise) Excusez... baguette.
Ooh, plus de vin s'il vous plait!
♪
Wake up.
Wake up; I'm pregnant!
What?
[laughs] How do you still fall for that?
Babe, I made you a breakfast burrito.
Oh, mmm. What time is it?
Seven-thirty. Why are you up so early?
Is it still considered being up early if you never went to sleep?
How are you functioning?
I don't know.
Bodies are weird, right?
Science, etcetera.
Caffeine?
So much of it.
But the good news: I finally finished.
Oh, no way!
Yeah! At 6:37 a.m., I finally typed the words "The End."
That's incredible.
Yeah.
So, how do we celebrate?
Sex... with you!
Get up!
Right now? Come on, I have to get ready for work. So do you.
You are such a tease.
[smooch]
So now that you're finished, when do I actually get to read it?
Soon... ish.
Babe, come on. This is what I do. Why are you so afraid to let me read it?
Well, I don't want you to think I'm using you for your grammatical prowess.
Clearly I'm using you for your HBO.
[phone vibrates]
That's probably Celia, making sure I got her a soy latte,
like I haven't been getting her soy latte for three years.
You going to get her skim? Obviously.
Yeah.
Hey, careful!
Come on. This is Brooks Brothers. It's expensive.
Will you go by my place today and grab the rest of my things?
I can't. I have a meeting at 10:00 with Vanessa,
and then I've got to get my pages to the editor by 6:00.
"Ass like Rihanna" Vanessa?
[exhales firmly]
It's a joke.
I'll pick them up on the way home. I love you!
[smooch] I love you.
♪
(man) Here you go: three lattes.
Thanks.
(Sally) Elise? Elise Miller!
Oh, look at you: all grown up!
Sally Meister?
Says so on my driver's license.
What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at camp?
Oh, just doing some last-minute recruiting.
I'm still two counselors and a lifeguard shy of a full staff.
You want to come aboard?
That is very tempting, but I think my summers of armpit bug bites are over.
Actually I work in publishing now.
Oh, do you?
Yeah, Lou Bell Press. They do a lot of young adult fantasy stuff.
Have you heard of the Midnight Moonlight series?
Maybe. What have we got here?
I'm getting married in two weeks.
Oh, congratulations. Where are you honeymooning?
Paris. Ooh la la!
Before you know it, you'll be driving your little ones up
to Takota for the summer yourself.
Oh, man. I think my ovaries just winced.
I'm not really the offspring type,
but if I was, they'd be Takota girls.
I'm sorry, Sally. I've really got to go.
Oh, I've got to get a move on myself; I'm meeting Jared for breakfast.
You remember my son, don't you?
He taped a walkie-talkie to his head and called it a Bluetooth. Who could forget?
He always loved his technology.
He actually made a fortune on one of those app thingies.
Oh, that's cool.
Yeah, it's called Hot Crotch.
It can take your temperature if you point your phone at your, well, crotch.
Unique.
It's ridiculous!
Oh, I know you've got to go, but you should consider coming up
for visitors' weekend. Lots of familiar faces.
I'll think about it. Bye, Sally.
Oh! Oh!
(Elise) Careful!
[rails clunking]
[phones ringing]
(Gil) Good morning. Lou Bell Press, Gil speaking.
[phones ringing]
Morning, Celia.
(Celia) You listen to me. I have a vacancy on my fall publishing schedule.
Well, she needs to be prepared to return her advance
in full, which -- based on the new nose she's been sporting --
appears to already be spent.
[beep] Has His Highness arrived yet?
His agent called from the car and said that they are on their way.
Is everything ready? Yes.
Food? Delivered.
Contest winners? Conference room.
Releases? Signed.
And... sent to Legal.
You'll be taking pictures at the meet-and-greet.
In addition to live tweeting the event and moderating the Reddit Q&A?
No problem.
Elise, please return your sarcasm along with that parody of a jacket.
I have enough to deal with.
Jillian Raab is too busy sniffing her book advance up her new nose to actually write any pages.
Well, actually, Celia, this might be totally inappropriate,
but I actually finished my book last night.
And I only bring this up because it's also YA fantasy,
it deals with unrequited love and Loch Ness monsters.
It's called "Un-Loch My Heart," tentatively, and I actually have it here on a thumb drive if --
That was totally inappropriate.
And lucky for you, I am totally desperate.
By all means, take your time digging through old receipts
and Doritos wrappers. I have all day.
[clears throat] Okay.
Yeah. [exhales] Thank you, Celia.
Well, I'll see if I have time to read it based on how smoothly today goes.
I don't need to remind you how important Walker Paige's support and the support of his fans is to Lou Bell.
Absolutely. Everything will be perfect.
♪
(girls) Oh, my God! It's Walker Paige!
He's real! He's real!
Look at his hair! His hand is in it!
[screaming]
♪
[gleeful chatter]
[cheering]
What just happened?
(Manda) It's like they're being murdered by their own happiness.
(Elise) I saw a 13-year-old throw her panties.
Oh, gross.
Oh, vomit.
[gasps]
Who is eating Walker Paige's face?
[gasp]
Oh, my God!
(Manda) Isn't he supposed to be dating his co-star,
the one that went to rehab for the self-tanning addiction?
How do you know that?
How do you not know that?
Manda! [camera shutters]
Manda!
(Manda) [laughs]
(Celia) Elise! Yes?
What is the point of having a social media manager
who doesn't manage any social media?
Oh, it's uploading right now. Should be any second.
Done.
[beeping]
No...
no, no, no, no...
no, no, no...!
What the fu--?!
[elevator dings]
[exhales]
Elise, what are you doing home?
Oh, I just got fired.
What do you mean?
It's pretty self-explanatory.
What happened?
I don't know. The technology, it turned on me
and I couldn't control it and...
I'm not following.
Hey, hey...
hey, hey, look at me.
You're going to be okay.
Yeah?
Yes.
Okay?
Hey, why don't we...
why don't we go down to Henry Oh's,
drink way more than we should for 11:00 a.m. on a Thursday,
and you can tell me everything that happened?
Can we get nachos?
Absolutely.
Very cool.
Why don't you head down there and then just get us a booth?
I'll get dressed, and I'll just meet you over there.
Why did you have two glasses?
I'm sorry, what?
When I walked in, you had two glasses. Why?
Is there somebody here?
(Vanessa) Babe, have you read this nonsense?
Another teen werewolf novel?
I have seen less cliché writing in my 12-year-old niece's fan fic-
(Jeff) Elise, I can explain this. Don't.
And it's not about werewolves.
It's about Loch Ness monsters.
Elise, wait.
You wait!
I am grossed out and sad about this.
[door opens, closes]
[door opens]
Suck me.
♪
Gah, you are so terrible.
And so, so beautiful.
♪
[beep]
♪
"Great bumping into you today.
Good luck with the lucky man.
Found this when I got home."
♪
[phone beeping]
[ringing]
(Sally) Hi, you've reached Sally. Leave me a message.
[beep]
Sally!
It's Elise Miller.
Hey, girl, hey!
♪
[phone beeping]
[ringing] Sally!
It's Elise Miller!
It was so good to see you this morning.
Gah, your face was on point this morning.
What face cream are you using?
Awesome. Cool.
[ringing]
(Sally) Hi, you've reached Sally. Leave me a message.
[beep]
[exhales] Sally, I was thinking about your offer
to come up to camp.
At first, I was like, "Elise, say what?
That shit cray!"
And then I was thinking about it more...
♪
[phone beeping]
[ringing]
I still know all the camp songs, like this one,
classic hit you might remember from 1993.
Let's camp it up.
Camp, camp, camp it up.
Hey, ladies!
"Suck me"?
What?
Who says that?
I would love to come to camp, okay?
Stop asking me; I'm going to do it.
Sally, I'm coming to camp.
Oop! Hey, friend.
♪
[horn honks]
(woman) Bruce! Bruce!
412.
(Elise) Oh, no.
Bruce!
[horn honks]
Sally said 412.
Bruce!
(Sally) Elise! I got your message.
Or should I say "messages"?
And I can't tell you how happy I am to hear
you'll be joining us this summer.
Now, luckily, the Fefferman family will be passing through
your neck of the woods on their way to drop off their daughter Penny,
and they have graciously offered to give you a lift.
So grab your swimsuit and slap on some sunscreen,
because you're going to camp!
(Jeff) Elise, look: it's not what it looked like.
[horn honks]
Okay, it is --
[phone rings]
(Manda) Oh, my God, Elise, you must be devastated.
Understatement of the century.
(Manda) I mean, the GIFs on Tumblr alone are insane!
Want to get brunch -- I can't.
I...
I'm going to camp.
(Manda) Oh! I haven't tried that place.
What street is it on?
No, actual camp.
Manda, I've got to go.
(Manda) What?
[buzzer]
Hello?
(Kathy) Elise? It's Kathy Fefferman.
We're here to give you a ride to camp.
I overslept.
Can you give me five minutes?
[exhales loudly] No problem!
Okay, I'll be right down.
♪
Ooh, bad.
♪
Hi there.
Holy Real Housewife.
You need a hand?
No, I think I'll be fine.
Yeah. Honey!
Bruce?
Bruce!
Honey, can you help her?
I am Kathy Fefferman.
It is so wonderful to meet you.
This is my husband Bruce.
(Bruce) Hi.
Right. And back here, this little nugget, this is our Penny.
Hi.
If we're going to stay on schedule, we'd better hit the road ASAP.
Come on, missy.
(Kathy) Everybody buckled up?
Elise, do you like jazz?
Oh, not at all.
We have been listening to a lot of French jazz lately to get us into the Parisian mood.
We're going while Penny's at camp.
Have you ever been to France, Elise?
Ow.
Sorry. Just making sure that this is all really happening right now.
We went on our honeymoon. Ah!
And I've been dying, just dying to go back.
It's so romantic and has these little cafés, and the Champs-Élysées and the wine.
Bruce!
Signal!
Did I mention how romantic it is?
You really should try to go sometime, Elise.
Paris...
Oh, and the Champs-Élysées and the wine.
Just been dying to get back.
It's so romantic.
It has all these cute little cafés, and the street lamps,
oh, the Champs-Élysées.
And, oh, the butter and the cheese and the baguettes
and oh, there's the wine. Oh, my God, Elise.
It's fabulous. If you ever get a chance, I'm telling you...
Paris!
Ah!
Oh, Bruce, come on.
Well?
(Kathy) No, don't touch that.
First the lanterns, then the case of...
It happens.
Are we late?
Not at all.
I just remember drop-off day being a little more intense.
Oh, it will be... tomorrow.
Penny's a little younger than the other campers.
I mean, not that she can't handle it. She is an incredibly mature six-year-old.
Six?
We just thought she might acclimate better if she had a day here without all that chaos.
Plus between you and me, I have no desire to be here on drop-off day
with all those neurotic moms.
Bruce! Could you be a little louder?
I still have my hearing.
(Bruce) Got it.
Anyway, I checked with Maxine, and it's totally fine.
Maxine? As in Maxine Reynolds?
Kathy, if she's telling you stories about me, only half of them are true.
Hello!
Max! Hi!
Oh, when Sally told me you were coming,
I slapped her.
I straight up slapped an elderly woman,
because I cannot believe you're here!
Wow, Elise! You've not changed a bit in eight years.
And you literally have not changed a bit in eight years.
Well...
(Allison) Not true.
She's finally lost her virginity.
Barely.
Allison. Hey.
I saw you on my way to the mess.
The mess? Uh-huh.
Oh, God.
Please don't tell me your mom is still up there making grilled cheese.
No, no.
Thank God.
She's no longer with us.
Allison, I'm so sorry.
She's no longer with us because she retired to Boca Raton.
Elise, don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth.
I took over for her like six years ago.
I don't mean to interrupt, but I couldn't help but overhear.
Are you the Allison I've been emailing with?
That depends. Who might you be?
Where are my manners?
Kathy Fefferman.
Oh. Mrs. Fefferman.
It is so nice to put a face to dozens and dozens of detailed emails.
[chuckles] Do you have a minute?
I'd like to go over Penny's dietary restrictions.
I would love nothing more.
Welcome back, business casual.
Yeah, what is this look you got going on?
Max, do you have a place I can charge this?
Oh, there's no need. This is a 100 percent cell-free zone.
Say what now?
Yeah, there's zero service up here. I made sure of it.
So let's go to your cabin!
Grab your bags! Grab your trash bags!
Only one of them is a trash bag.
Luggage by Hefty. [laughs]
Were these Christmas gifts?
How does it feel to be back?
Very surreal.
I had no idea that you and Allison would be here.
(Elise) What, have you just like not left since we were 19?
I wish. But during the school year, I teach fourth grade
in the South Loop.
Hey, you live in Chicago? Uh-huh.
I live in Chicago. I'm surprised I haven't run into you.
Weird. But I really only hang out at like one bar, so.
Oh, which one?
It's called my couch.
Yeah, they have really good box wine specials.
Yeah, I love that place.
It's really exclusive.
Anyways, when I take over as camp director, I'll move up here full-time.
Wait, is Sally retiring?
She says it's her last year.
I mean, nothing's actually been officially announced, but look at me.
Yeah, you're a shoe-in.
Hope so, or there's going to be a shoe in someone's ass.
(Max) Cabin number six: your home sweet home for the summer.
Wow.
Just like you remembered it?
A little smaller.
[chuckles]
(Max) So, what are you doing here?
Not that I'm not completely thrilled to see you,
because I am, but Sally said you're in publishing or you're a writer or something.
Yeah, I am.
I...
I got a book deal.
Seriously?
Yeah.
That is awesome, Elise! Congratulations!
Thanks. Wow.
Yeah, I thought I would get out of Chicago,
get some peace and quiet for writing.
Not that that will in any way keep me from providing care for your campers.
Yeah. I don't care what you do in your free periods.
Just don't slack on the clock.
Oh, Takota honor.
What is that?
That?
That's going to be an -- no, that's heavy metal rock or something like that.
Oh, I remember now. This, right?
Okay, that is not honorable.
How dare you.
Okay, get it out of your system before the kids get here!
[imitating shooting lasers]
♪
(Young Elise) ...two, three fish.
(girl 1) What's that? Oh, it's a fish!
(girl 2) We see a fish!
(Young Elise) We see tons of them.
(girl 1) Come on! [gleeful laughter]
(Young Elise) I'll beat you there.
(girl 1) Elise, wait up!
♪
[sighs]
♪
[megaphone chimes]
Good morning, campers.
Good morning, Sally.
On behalf of the entire Takota staff, welcome to camp!
[cheering, applause]
I can't tell you how excited we are
to be spending our 57th summer on the lake with you.
Takota girls know how special this place is,
that when you drive down that camp road,
you know you're about to spend the summer growing
and learning and, best of all,
making lifelong friendships.
It's so important to treasure these months away from school,
and boys, so please, girls, keep the crushes on our handyman Chet
to a minimum this year.
Well, I can't wait to get started, and I know you can't either,
so let's sign up for some activities!
(Max) As soon as we're done talking about some restrictions!
Alright, girls.
We all know that camp rules.
But let's talk about some camp rules.
Hit it, Allison.
♪♪ [hip-hop] ♪
♪ Oh yeah, Takota. ♪
♪ This ain't your boring camp rules breakdown. ♪
♪ Uh-uh. ♪
♪ This is me, breaking down camp rules. ♪
♪ Rule number one: make your bunk, make your bunk. ♪
♪ Oh yeah, Takota. ♪
♪ Rule number two... ♪♪
Thank you very much, ladies.
Hold the phone.
I only got five bucks, and everyone else got 10.
Let that be a lesson to you, Sarah.
There's a time and a place for improvisation, and my stage is neither the time,
nor the place, okay?
And Sarah, if you're going to sneak cigarettes into camp,
have the decency to slap on some Bath and Body Works
vanilla body spray, okay?
Amateurs!
Let me guess: cabin Robin's Egg?
Yeah, when they get to Robin's Egg, they're like totes supes mature.
They talk like that now.
Hey, Robin's Egg is where I met my two best friends.
Elise!
I'm talking about my boobs.
I grew two cup sizes that summer.
How could I forget?
Well, meet your new best friend.
It's just a little something I whipped up to get you back in the Takota saddle.
Oh, it's color-coded.
Isn't it great?
There's a detailed arts and crafts lesson plan,
a chapter on Takota folklore, and then sheet music for all the camp songs.
Thanks, Max. You know, I think I'm just going to wing it.
Oh, no.
We don't just wing stuff here at Takota, Elise.
Max, it's camp.
How hard can it be?
No, you take that.
Study up!
Amateur.
[bugle call]
(Sally) Good morning, campers!
♪
[bugle call]
No!
♪
No.
[bugle call]
No!
Girls, wait!
I'm the trail leader, girls.
[girls laughing]
Wait!
♪
We take our shirt, we drop it in.
[screams] No! I'm not playing water balloons!
Then you pull it out and, ah...
[laughter]
Go ahead and try it.
[yells]
[girls laughing]
[blows whistle]
♪
Can I hide in here for a while?
Yeah, how long you need?
Until August?
Alright, well, if you're here, you've got to work.
And sometimes it's not very... appealing.
Oh, my God.
Get ready for a lot of that.
Can you just crush up a bunch of Adderall and put it in whatever you're making for dinner?
Because these kids are maniacs.
Oh, come on.
We were way worse.
That is not true.
Elise, we exchanged our counselor's toothpaste for Vagisil.
That is true.
Anyway, if stuff ever gets too rough out there, just come in here
and grab yourself a bowl of FiberNuts.
Okay, I'm all for being regular, but I think I need something a little stronger than fiber, Al.
Just go grab the box.
Okay, weirdo.
Just stick your hand in.
[giggles] You must be really good at dirty talk.
Incidentally, yes.
[gasp]
That's Max's secret stash.
You think a kid's going to come in here for a healthy snack?
So...
who was the guy in the truck?
Oh, Eli?
Eli's great.
Heads-up: he does spend nine months of the year as Eloise,
but he does come up here in the summer to untuck his dingaling
and grow some fresh vegetables.
I can't believe you bought that.
I said the word "dingaling."
Why do you keep messing with me?
Because I'm bored.
I'm in the kitchen all day, every day,
making 200 pounds of tater tots.
Which were delicious, by the way.
Thanks. Anyway, Eli's great.
He's got a local farm across the lake, and he brings us fresh produce when he can.
Because God knows our food budget only allows for stuff that's frozen or in a box.
So he's a farmer.
Somebody's interested.
Oh, please.
No, thank you. I am using this summer as a welcome break from penis.
Story of my life.
I knew you and Lindsay Johnson weren't just practicing Frenching!
Yeah, but I got really good at it.
[laughs] Yeah, you got really good at being a stereotype.
What are you talking about?
This is cool!
[Maxine on megaphone] [laughs]
Oh, gosh.
I've got to go.
Okay.
(Maxine) Come on, let's go.
Hustle up.
♪
(Max on walkie-talkie) El? El, can you hear me? Over.
Yep, I'm here.
Have you seen the Penny Fefferman kid?
She's the only kid from our cabin that isn't at the Lady Gaga ice cream social.
Over.
No, but I can go check on her cabin.
That would be great.
Thank you!
Then get your ass down here. Over.
I think I'm going to pass.
You're supposed to say "over." Over.
Over... it.
That was rude, but clever. Over.
McKensie! That is your third cone!
[video game music]
(Max) Madison, you are lactose intolerant!
Come on!
[video game music]
Ah-ha!
Caught you red-handed.
I've been waiting four days to make that joke, and I wasted it on a six-year-old.
Elise, are you going to tell on me?
Oh, that depends.
Did you bring the other one?
Are you having fun at camp?
Yeah.
My thoughts exactly.
[video game music]
(Max) Okay, girls. We all know
that part of being a Takota girl means making the best out of a bad situation.
So, even though it's going to storm tonight, and some jacked-up raccoons ruined our s'mores station,
that doesn't mean that we can't have a campout.
And what's the best part about a campout?
(campers) Sleeping.
That's right: ghost stories.
Is this the Takota campout ghost story?
Might be.
Unless you're too scared.
It's not scary at all.
Oh, really?
A hiker pushes his best friend off a mountain ledge,
and now that friend's ghost roams these very woods, seeking revenge.
That's not scary to you?
Okay. Well, what if I told you that the Takota ghost
is lured to campfires, just like the campfires we have back at camp?
That's never happened.
Yes, it has.
In fact, there's someone at camp right now who's seen the ghost
with their own eyes.
Prove it.
Okay.
Do you know that new counselor, Elise?
Well, back when she was a camper, probably about your age,
the ghost showed up at her campout.
In fact, last night, she said she saw the ghost
roaming the woods, moaning in pain.
"Elise...
Elise..."
♪
"Elise."
Goodnight, girls.
Sleep tight.
[thunder crashes]
Oh, dear God.
...but like an actual tater tot.
(Elise on walkie-talkie) Max? Max, are you there?
Hold on.
This is Max. Over.
Can you come into the cabin? It's an emergency.
(Max) Yeah. We'll be right there.
What is this all about?
(Allison) She probably got a tater tot in her butt.
(Max) Shut up.
(Elise) I just needed to get a second opinion.
(Allison) Well, my opinion is that it is great to have you back.
[laughter]
Seriously, what is going on down there?
Okay.
Initial thoughts. You clearly take a lot of pride in grooming.
I mean, wow, Elise.
Also, watch where you squat, dum-dum.
You've got poison ivy all up in your hoo-ha.
And it's bad.
It's really bad! It's really bad.
Wait, that's...
that's it?
Yeah.
Are you positive? I'm positive.
I'm positive, Elise.
[sighs deeply]
(Elise) My brain just goes to the worst-case scenario, you know?
I thought it was like the herp or something.
(Max and Allison) Did you just call it "the herp"?
Elise, you make an STD sound like a '60s dance craze.
♪♪ Come on, everybody, let's do the herp. ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba ooh-mow-mow. ♪
♪ Ba-ba ooh-mow-mow. ♪
♪ I said, I'm doing the herp. ♪♪
Guys, it's not -- this is not funny!
Alright. Okay.
I can go get some oatmeal and make an oatmeal bath.
You can run to the infirmary, grab some calamine lotion.
And then Elise, if you could just start putting all of your underwear
in the freezer, it would be great.
No, but seriously, like how often do you wax? Because it looks like a Barbie down there.
Yeah, seriously. And the underwear will help because it's hot like a campfire.
Oh, yeah. It is generating some heat, girl.
Thank you.
You can be a campfire with that crotch.
We're done! We're done! We're done!
[girls screaming in distance]
[screaming becomes louder]
(Elise) Okay, alright.
Alright, girls?
[screaming]
Okay, calm down.
Calm down, you little maniacs!
[screaming]
Girls...
girls, I'm pregnant!
Works on all ages. Very cool.
Today we are going to take the flowers that we picked yesterday,
and we're going to press them and turn them into some cool bookmarks.
Did everyone bring a book like I asked them to?
Wonderful.
Okay, let's start picking our flowers.
(Cassidy) Elise, can I get your roll?
Everyone's here.
I still need it for the office.
This is a Slim Jim wrapper.
Yeah. Roll with it, Cassidy.
Okay.
By the way, the office wanted me to bring you these phone messages.
Somebody's popular.
Oh, look!
Elise got some love notes!
[giggling]
Girls, stop.
Give those back.
Girls.
Give me them.
♪♪ Jeff and Elise, sitting in a tree, ♪
♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G! ♪
♪ First comes love -- ♪♪
Oh, my God! Shut up!
There was no tree.
Yeah, there was K-I-S-S-I-N-G -ing, but guess what?
It wasn't with me.
And that's okay, because you know what, girls?
I'm here to tell you the truth.
And the truth is that love doesn't exist.
It is a concept that's been created by jewelry stores and all-inclusive cruise ships!
Because when you think that you've found love,
you find out that you found love's side-piece named Vanessa,
who has really beautiful hair and somehow always looks good in boy shorts!
(Max) Hey, Elise...
can I speak to you for a second?
And that is why I love daisies.
I'll be right back. [sniffles]
What the hell is the matter with you?
Nothing. I'm fine. It's PMS.
Okay, well then, eat a cookie; don't have a meltdown in front of a bunch of little kids.
Okay, Elise.
Here's what we're going to do, okay?
I'm going to go finish the Katy Perry Kayak Jam, you are going
to finish class, and then me, you and Al will go
up to the cabin, okay?
We'll get our grown-up time on.
Okay.
And then we're going to figure all this out. Okay?
Yeah.
Elise! You're not a robot after all.
Don't rust your little robot parts.
Okay.
It'll be okay. Okay.
Can you finish class? Yes.
You okay? Yeah.
Go finish class.
Do you want a lollipop? No!
Okay.
Okay! Oh...
I just don't get why you wouldn't tell us the truth about why you came to camp.
Well, A, I was trying to forget about it, and B,
it's embarrassing.
No, the fact that you peed your bunk until you were 11,
that's embarrassing.
That was a rough summer to be bottom bunk.
(Max) [chuckle] But you shouldn't be embarrassed about this.
You might want to rethink the company that you keep, though. That's just a thought.
You know, I should've known that he was cheating on me. There was never any problems.
When there is no problem, that's a problem.
I just can't believe you were the one to leak the Walker Paige photos.
I mean, I always thought he would make such a beautiful lesbian.
Oh, speaking of, did I tell you that I finally reread my book.
Oh, it's bad.
It's like epically awful.
El, I'm sure it's not that bad.
It's about a Loch Ness monster that gets turned into a teenage boy
and has to keep his mythical secret from his girlfriend
who turns out to be a centaur.
Okay, that sounds like a hot mess.
More like a hot Ness.
Nice!
That book sounds cen-taurded.
Okay. Judges?
Yeah, we're going to take it.
But the most frustrating thing is that I don't even like that YA fantasy romance crap,
but it's like that's what's popular, so I'll write it.
Hot guy, good job, I'll marry it.
Even if we're not right for each other.
He was too good for me.
(Allison) Elise.
This guy cheated on you two weeks before your wedding.
Yeah, I know, the image of Vanessa is burned into my brain forever.
But it's like I put on this "I have my shit together" façade
just to be good enough for him.
Good enough for him?
He was Ivy League.
He wrote for Fortune Magazine.
He had five percent body fat!
That sounds boring.
Mm-hmm.
Look. El, stop. Stop it!
El, look: all that's done now.
So you can act however you want.
You can write whatever you want.
You can be whatever you want.
I just want to be me.
But like a happy version.
Oh, that's just like a local goat cheese, some fresh arugula
from Eli's garden, some thinly-sliced pickled beets
that I did last week, but it's basically a grilled cheese.
And my mouth is basically pregnant.
Oh, please.
When did you become such an iron chef?
Oh, speaking of, I would totally do that Bobby Flay one.
Okay, you have officially been at an all-girls camp for too long.
(Max) No, I have a weakness for the Irish.
And a weakness for weird faces.
And for the second course...
Ooh, grandma's recipe?
[laughter]
♪
[laughs]
♪
Oh, please, no. Please, no.
♪
[laughs]
(Max) You're flying!
Flying!
She's not even trying!
I don't want to try!
♪
[chatter]
(Allison) Because you were so good at making stuff up, man.
You remember the dance?
(Max) No, I still do that dance.
(Allison) No, you don't. No, you don't.
(Max) Yes, I do. It totally -- no.
Look. It went...
(Max) ♪♪ I hate it when the summer ends. Got to say goodbye to ♪
(Elise and Allison) ♪ My best friends! ♪
(Max) ♪ Camp Takota, I love you so and I don't know how the rest goes. ♪♪
How'd it go?
I just remember that you end it in splits.
Obviously. Signature move.
Allison, where's the thing for the thing?
To the sink, by the kitchen.
(Max) Will you help me move this? I want more room for my dance move.
Oh, you got it, girl.
Beep! Beep!
[glass shatters]
(Max) What the hell are you doing?
I don't know!
He scared me, so I did the break a beer bottle as a weapon thing.
Jesus, Elise. This is a mountain, not a 1980s street fight.
I never knew you were so ride or die.
I'm sorry. You scared me, and I guess this is how I react when someone scares the onions out of me!
What? What? What?
I don't know.
I just knocked and said, "Anyone home?"
You looked menacing!
Your friend is crazy.
(Allison) Yeah, she is. Crazy, this is Eli.
Eli, this is crazy, sometimes known as Elise.
I'm going to clean this up.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
(Allison) No.. ooh!
(Max) Oh! Oh, no!
Oh. Oh, that looks pretty bad.
Here, put some pressure on it. Don't freak out!
Okay, no. Okay, you know what? We should probably take her to the infirmary.
(Eli) Alright, I'm going to drive, because you two are blasted.
It's debatable.
(Max) Elise, hold down the fort and we'll pick you up in the morning.
Eli! Be a man!
What do you want me to do?
(Max) Grab her feet; she's choking me! Come on.
(Allison) Don't break anything else.
(Max) You are heavy for your size.
Goodnight.
(Max) Ow! Ow.
(Eli) Wake up.
Please don't punch me in the face.
Morning.
I told Max I'd take you back to camp.
What's wrong?
Well, based on the first impression I gave you last night,
I guess there is no need trying to be cool now.
[clears throat]
You are a vision.
And that is a lot of pee.
You're a lot of pee!
Get off me.
Yep, still there.
[exhales]
I'll get your clothes back to you soon.
Not worried about it.
[exhales]
Only I could manage to look like the walk of shame at an all-girls camp.
[laughter]
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah, go for it.
Aren't you a little old to be a camp counselor?
[laughs]
Wow!
You are quite the panty-dropper.
Would you like to know my weight, too?
I'm just saying the campers probably think that you're a narc.
Well, yeah, it's how I get them to give up their weed.
[laughs]
Do you want to know the truth?
Yeah.
Okay.
[clears throat]
[exhales]
Well, I caught my fiancée cheating on me,
and I got fired from my job.
So I just wanted to get away from my life for a few months.
I'm really sorry.
But that makes two of us.
What do you mean?
I built my farm with my now ex-wife.
Oooh.
Yeah.
She wanted it as a getaway.
But apparently she just really wanted to get away...
with my best friend, actually.
Ooh, ouch.
Yeah.
Okay, you win.
You know what? I did actually kind of win.
You know, she hated it here.
She tried to like it, but she was just more of a cover girl in coveralls, you know?
Mm-hmm.
And I got out of the divorce with a really rad farm
and some amazing trust issues.
I'm sorry; that was so stupid.
No, no! It was funny.
Does this laundry room come with a two-drink minimum?
Yeah, I actually don't know what I'm saying at all right now.
Just no idea.
I think I'm...
I think you make me a little nervous.
Well, being threatened with shards of glass will do that to a person.
Yeah. No.
Not "I'm scared of you" nervous, but you are intimidating.
Intimidating?
You found me asleep in my own urine?
But you did it with such confidence; it was beautiful.
Yeah, I did. [chuckle]
Well, if it'll make you feel any less nervous, how about this?
I have poison ivy all over my crotch.
Oh. Wow.
A lot.
Now I officially pity you.
I am so sorry. [laughs]
Exactly.
I am a mess.
I like it.
♪
Look, if you ever want someone to talk to, I do a lot of night fishing.
Maybe you can just give me a couple of flashes off the dock
and I will row over.
[giggling]
What? What's so funny?
Do you always ask girls to flash you from across the lake?
Flashes with a flashlight, perv.
Oh! Oh!
Right, right.
[laughs]
Okay. Well, I'm going to leave now, because you ruined the moment.
What?
Were we having a moment?
I thought so.
Well, warn me next time, why don't you?
Alright. [chuckles]
I will see you later. Narc.
Goodbye. Bye.
(Max) Hello, Eli.
Hey, Max.
I peed all over your blankets.
[laughs] Oh!
Look at you!
Finally acting like your old self again.
Did you apologize to Eli for almost shivving him last night?
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
Eli's cute, huh?
Okay, Max. Stop.
The last thing I need is to invite someone else into this crazy town.
Well, actually, you guys have a lot in common.
Oh, obviously.
You know how interested I am in farming.
What did you come in here for?
Well, I definitely didn't come in to look at Chet through the window
and crank this baby to spin cycle.
And that's my cue.
It's my favorite sport.
Okay.
[laughs] I'm really lonely!
Hey, there, my favorite sweat machine.
Ah. See, girls?
Isn't it great to get out of the craft hut and get some fresh air?
No. Fresh air's totes overrated.
Okay.
Well, you picked the wrong place to be this summer.
Duh. Next summer, I am staying home and hanging by the pool.
Oh, Sarah.
This is the part of the conversation where I ignore you and continue being in a good mood!
I can respect that.
Girls, look. That's where I had my first-ever campout at Takota.
Aww.
Keep going!
Sweet life tour. Blech!
I bet that's where she saw the ghost.
♪
Hey, Chet.
Max, we have a problem.
Are raccoons stealing your sleeves again?
No.
Okay.
Just, okay.
The roof of the far east cabin is in really rough shape
to the point it's falling in.
Can we call it a skylight?
Okay.
What is that?
I'll just have them camp-out tonight.
Would you get whatever you need from the hardware store?
I caught it.
I know.
[chuckles]
Does Mama need some FiberNuts?
[tires spinning] [horn honks]
Come on, Chet!
Oh, no.
We'll rip everything out and put in brand new fiber-optic cable.
Absolutely everything will be state-of-the-art.
Wait, what's Jared doing here? I don't know.
Everyone will have a camp-issued tablet to ensure that everyone is in constant contact
with each other without ever --
What's he saying? Hush up.
Kyle...
What, are we looking for a contact?
Shh!
[gagging sound] Oh, this is gross.
Kyle?
Now, the cabins have to be demo'd, obvi.
And we'll put up the dormitories instead.
Where's the dormitory?
It's right here, Kyle.
Oh.
(Jared) Now, this modern architecture along the waterfront, I can't.
I can't even.
I won't.
Now, this entire wall will be plasma screens displaying SME Twitter feeds,
Reddit discussions, et cetera.
It'll need a total gut-renovation.
(Kyle) Bet you the food in here will give you a gut renovation.
[laughter]
(Jared) Kyle, will you not?
Now, let's go to the craft hut,
A.K.A. the new "Gaming Nucleus brought to you by Jared."
Ooh. [chuckles]
Okay.
Now, before anybody freaks out --
All the dirt must go, and kill all the squirrels.
And over there will be a 4G tower, right there.
Oh, wow.
How would that look? Right?
(Kyle) Yes, it will be perfect. Yes.
Maxi-pad!
Actually, it's Maxine now.
People haven't called me Maxi-pad in weeks, so.
So nice to see you.
Well, I wish I could say the same, Jared. What the hell are you doing here?
Didn't Mom tell you?
After this year, your kumbaya crap is over.
What do you mean "over"?
Over like that hairdo, honey.
It's a side-pony, and it's a classic, thank you.
This hole will be turned into a place to cultivate our future social media gurus.
Camp Takota's going to be a specialized digital and interactive camp.
What?
So you're going to specialize in DIC?
Mm-hmm.
And it's going to be super-hard.
So I doubt you can handle it.
Ha! I would never handle your DIC.
I wouldn't go anywhere near your DIC.
Sounds like someone needs to get laid. Oh!
No, I do just fine in that department, thank you.
[scanner sound]
What are you doing? What are you doing? What is that? A picture?
Ice cold. You could hang meat in that thing.
(Kyle) Brr. Pork chops.
[screams]
Maxi-pad. What?!
Just one more thing.
What is that? That's not even the middle finger.
You're not worth the middle finger.
[screams]
Kyle, alley-oop to the Coop.
(Jared) Here we are.
Kyle!
Let me guess: you talked to my son.
Is this for real?
I'm afraid it is.
Well, will you please explain it to me while I fight off a panic attack?
Oh, look, Max.
As much as we don't like to think of it as such, Takota is a business.
And unfortunately, that business hasn't been doing well for a long time now.
How "not well"?
Every year, less and less campers come back to camp.
Once these girls get a cell phone, they would rather sit in their rooms
in the dark all summer and Twitter at each other than come back to camp.
Okay. Well, fine.
We'll do a big sign-up tour during the school year
and we'll get some fresh blood in here.
I wish it were that simple, Max.
Look. We operate in the off-season off the money we acquire
at the end of the summer from preregistration for the next year,
and Lord knows those numbers have dropped completely off the charts.
I've already taken out a second mortgage on the land,
and we're behind on that.
How behind are we?
I'm pretty sure the only person we don't owe money to right now is you.
Yeah, but Sally, come on.
Jared is walking around this place like he's going to turn it
into the Starbucks of summer camp.
Sweetie, as much as I don't like his methods or his means or...
even his general personality, he's my son.
I've seen the numbers. It'll work.
At least it'll still be a camp and not condos.
It might as well be condos.
How many preregistrations would it take to keep us afloat until next summer?
Oh, Maxine, I know this is tough.
If my mother knew I was closing her camp doors --
Sally, how many?
To cover the current mortgage, all of our creditors --
Sally, just ballpark it. Please.
Half.
Half the camp would have to preregister.
Done.
Max, we never had those numbers.
Not even in the glory days.
Sally, is it a deal?
Back to work.
I love you, sweetie.
[phone beeps]
[ringing]
[sighs]
(Kathy) Hi, you've reached Kathy and -- say "Bruce," babe.
(Bruce) Bruce!
(Kathy) We're out of the country with extremely limited access
to phone or email, because we're in Paris.
[handset clatters]
[sighs]
♪
Oh, it worked.
♪
Ooh!
Be cool.
♪
[rowing]
[chuckles]
Hey.
Hi.
So that took a long time.
Yeah. I kind of underestimated the whole thing.
[giggles]
So, where's everybody at?
They're in their bunks.
It's 8:00, though.
Isn't it great? [chuckles]
I have a favor that I need to ask.
But can we go somewhere else?
Because the mosquitos have literally taken a pint of my blood.
Because that took a long time.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Uh-huh.
I thought it would be romantic.
Not really.
But I came over in a boat.
Yeah, but I've seen The Notebook.
So don't be surprised if you do see any campers down here.
This is where all the older girls like to come smoke cigarettes,
because they think it makes them so cool.
I see the poison ivy is clearing up.
Oh, no.
This is just how I walk.
It's pretty sexy, huh?
Yeah.
[chuckle]
Would you mail these for me?
There's a camper who's not getting any mail, and she's a little homesick,
so I'm going to pretend that these are from her parents.
What?
She's like our little camp underdog.
No, it's...
it's just really sweet.
Well, surprise: I'm not all broken bottles and hangovers.
This might be a weird note to get from your parent.
Yeah. Sorry.
So have you ever thought about investing in like a speedboat?
Okay. You can let it go.
I know it took a while.
[laughs]
So did you call him?
No, no.
That ship has sailed.
I could probably call him and tell him that,
but I think it's more fun to torture him.
Well, remind me not to cross you.
No, I'm a great girlfriend.
Really?
Oh, yeah. The best.
I will change like a chameleon just to make my boyfriend happy.
Yeah.
I'm pretty great.
Well, you can definitely knock that off.
Because I think you're pretty awesome as-is.
Really?
Yeah, really.
And you're pretty hilarious.
And you're pretty.
Well, you're not that too bad either.
What?
Okay, that wasn't even a sentence.
I tried a sentence.
Slow down on the compliments.
I made an attempt at a sentence.
(Allison) Hey, Elise? Sorry, guys.
Max needs us in the mess hall.
Okay.
Thank you for ruining a moment.
We were having a moment?
That was a moment.
Stop.
That was a moment!
Don't forget the letters.
Don't forget your manners.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Goodnight.
(Eli) That was definitely a moment.
So that's the situation.
We need to secure a 50 percent return rate by the end of camp,
or the Takota we know and love will cease to exist.
Yes.
(Elise) How much is 50 percent?
112.
(Allison) And how many did we have last year?
27.
Guys, I know that doesn't sound good, but I'm not going to let Jared
come in here and destroy this place.
And then what?
Next summer, instead of campfires and archery,
our campers are at home experimenting with drugs
and back-alley abortions.
Okay. These girls are from the suburbs.
Exactly.
I'm not going to let that happen.
I want every camper back here next summer.
Well, I don't mean to be a downer,
but this camp is in rough shape.
Most of the cabins are just a stack of splinters.
Chet?
Please shut your beautiful, beautiful face.
Look.
I know that Takota isn't the prettiest girl at the dance.
But she's our girl,
and I don't want Jared getting his creepy hands on her.
(Elise) So what can we do?
Okay. Visitors Day is in two weeks, and that is our best shot
at getting parents to fork over the cash.
I know we don't have a lot of time, and I spent way too much time on those graphs.
But I really think we can get this place looking and feeling like a million bucks.
So who's in?
That was supposed to be more of a rousing speech.
Let's do it!
(Max) Thank you! High-five!
(Elise) Chet, your hands are too large.
(Max) And too slow.
(Chet) Well, I didn't want to do it anyway.
(Max) Okay. That's a lie.
Teamwork. Oh, wow.
[laughs]
Yeah!
[inaudible] Good job.
♪
[chatter]
(Max) Wow.
These are new recipes.
Squash, chicken, and the new tots.
Ooh.
♪
It's so good!
[laughter]
♪
(Elise) And then when we're done, we're going to have some really cool friendship bracelets
that we can give to our moms tomorrow at Visitors Day!
(voice on walkie-talkie) Elise, there's a phone call in the office for you.
Can you just take a message? There's only a couple minutes left of this class.
Already tried. She's not having it.
Her name is Celia something.
I'm on my way.
Melinda, can I put you in charge for the last couple minutes?
Sure.
Hello?
Elise, how are you?
It's Celia.
Good.
Let me get right to the point.
You're obviously aware of the media frenzy your little "oops" unleashed.
Actually, no.
I've kind of unplugged this summer.
Well, allow me to catch you up.
Since that photo leaked, sales for the Midnight Moonlight series
have more than quadrupled.
Wait, what?
Two words: cougar appeal.
It's not just preteen girls buying the books; now housewives across the nation
are lusting after Walker, too.
Well, congratulations.
Still don't know what this has to do with me.
Walker is writing a memoir.
Isn't he like 16?
No, he's completely legal.
Ooh.
I'm calling because I would like you to come back and take point on this.
In fact, Walker insists.
So hop on the earliest flight back tonight so I can have you here tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow?
I'm kind of in the middle of something right now.
Oh, and Elise, I read "Un-Loch My Heart."
Looks like we could have a serious franchise on our hands.
I'll see you at 9:00 a.m. sharp.
[dial tone]
Hey.
Do you have any paint pens in here?
Yeah. They're on the shelf.
Thank God.
You okay?
(Elise) Yeah, I'm just tired. [sniffles]
(Max) Elise, can you do a quick spot check of the mess hall tonight?
Yeah.
And then if you could go to the older campers' bunk
and just make sure it's not a mess, that'd be awesome. And if there are any --
Max, can you just stop? Just for a second.
What's the matter?
I don't think I'm going to be able to do all of that.
I know, I know.
I'm asking you guys to do so much.
There's just like so much left to do.
And meanwhile, the 13-year-olds now, they're sticking tater tots
down each other's butt cracks and calling it "tater slots."
Like is that what people do for fun now?
No, Max.
I don't think I'm going to be able to do all of that stuff
because I won't be here.
I'm going to leave camp tonight.
Okay, seriously, Elise, You're lying is getting
like Allison-level good.
I'm serious.
(Allison) Okay, guys. Let's all pack it up.
We'll take it down to the mess hall and we'll hang it.
What the hell are you talking about?
My old boss, Celia, she offered me my job back.
So I have to be in Chicago tomorrow.
Look, she read my book and she liked it and she --
Oh, the book that you don't even like?
That one?
Okay, Max, I don't expect you to understand.
But I have been waiting for -- working for this for literally years.
No, Elise, I understand.
I understand that all that "I just want to be me" talk
was bullshit.
Max.
No, seriously.
Have fun pretending to be perfect.
Maybe when you're back in Chicago, you can babysit for Jeff and Vanessa.
Whoa. That's a little harsh.
No, I don't really care, Allison, because I've never seen someone act so selfish
in my entire life.
Wait, I'm selfish?
Yeah, you are.
I'm being selfish.
Thank you for admitting that, Elise.
Hey, guys, let's take a deep breath.
This entire thing that we're doing is so that you can get your promotion.
So don't you dare call me selfish.
Wow!
Wow, that is really low, Elise.
Because you know what?
If I remember correctly, two months ago when you didn't have anything,
where did you go? Hmm?
Oh, right: you came here.
And now I'm selfish because I'm working my ass off to make sure
that this place still exists?
So that when you screw up in a couple years, you actually have a place to turn to.
Thank you for the vote of confidence.
And this isn't just for me, Elise.
This is for Sally and for the kids and for Allison.
Oh, the best thing that could happen to Allison is if this place gets shut down.
What are you talking about?
What is she talking about, Allison?
I don't know.
She's talking about the fact that she got accepted to a culinary school in Chicago.
And she's never going to go.
Because she's scared of you.
She always has been.
Because Maxine, you're a control freak!
Is that true?
Alright, you can get your shit from the office.
I'm done.
Max?
[door opens, closes]
Elise, what the hell?
I read the letters.
So what?
That gives you the right to start making decisions on my behalf?
Where have you been for the last eight years?
Allison, don't do this. Stop.
You're the last person I need life advice from.
♪
Eli!
♪
Hey, narc.
Hey, can I borrow your phone? I need to call a cab.
It might take a while. Nearest cab's like a hundred miles away.
Okay, well then, will you drive me to the closest train station
or bus station or anything that will take me away from here?
What's going on? Are you alright?
Yeah, I got my old job back. I'm going back to Chicago.
[laughs] Okay.
You're joking.
Right?
♪
You're not.
Okay, well, what about saving Takota?
You're just going to bail on Max?
Look, Eli, this has been really fun, but let's not kid ourselves.
Sooner or later, I was going to have to go back to the real world.
Right.
It's weird, because this is the real world to me.
And everything about this...
was real to me, too.
♪
Get another ride, Elise.
♪
Chet?
I need a ride!
Okay.
♪
[sniffles]
Is it true?
That you don't want to be here?
No. No.
I mean, I don't know.
This is my home.
Everything I know is here.
But yeah, sometimes I do wonder.
Then Allison, why wouldn't you just, you know, say something to me about it?
Oh, come on, Maxine.
I know exactly what you'd say.
You'd say that I would hate the city, because God knows you do.
Every summer you just bolt right out of there.
That is so not true.
Yes, it is.
Okay, let me explain something to you.
I'm not running away from somewhere.
I'm running to somewhere. To camp.
Because this is what I love, and this is what makes me happy.
So if culinary school is going to make you feel the same way that this place makes me feel,
then Allison, get the hell out of here.
Okay, but what if I hate it there?
What if I suck?
Please.
You are like the Good Will Hunting of culinary arts.
Please. Make my cookies.
Okay.
I'm going to eat all of them, and you're not going to eat shit. [laughs]
♪
I don't know what the circumstances are that brought you back to us,
but I'm sure glad you're here.
♪
(voice of Penny) "Dear Elise, thank you for being my friend.
I had so much fun this summer.
I don't want to go home yet.
Love, Penny."
(voice on loudspeaker) Now boarding bus 57 to Chicago.
♪
[engine accelerating]
♪
Hey.
Way to go, girl.
It's pretty great, isn't it?
It sure is. Look...
whatever happens today, you are going to be an amazing camp director.
I was just hoping it would be here.
Thank you, Sally.
I'm still holding out hope.
[chuckles]
Oh, I need some Kleenex.
Go. Get out of here.
Jared.
Didn't know that you'd be joining us today.
Oh, hell to the yes.
[glasses thump on ground]
Kyle.
Sorry. Sorry.
I want to see this Maxi-pad replaced with a tampon.
So I take it you're referring to yourself as a tampon now?
Hmm?
I'm slim.
And I'm out for blood.
Okay, that's gross.
Look, as much as I'd like to stand here and listen to your prepared insults,
I actually have a camp to run.
Oh, but wait.
I deserve the middle finger.
I'm worth the middle finger!
Okay.
It's hot.
And my pedicure is completely ruined.
Places.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome to Visitors Day!
We are super excited to have you all here.
In the spirit of old and new, we're going to be performing a song
that I wrote with my two best friends back when I was a camper here.
Hope you enjoy!
Five, six, seven, eight.
♪♪ I hate it when the summer ends. ♪
♪ I've got to say goodbye to... ♪
♪ My best friends! ♪
♪ Camp Takota, I love you so. I don't know where the summers go. ♪
♪ I love Camp Takota. ♪
♪ T-A-K-O-T-A! ♪
♪ Going to miss Camp Takota, ♪
♪ but I'll be back next summer. Yay! ♪
♪ Wake up in the morning, in my bunk... ♪
♪ My hair looks -- ♪
What are you doing here?
I am so sorry!
I honestly have no idea what I was thinking.
Elise, I am so sorry about all that stuff I said.
I'm so glad you're back.
♪ ...into the mess! ♪
♪ Grab some grub, and I'm on my way, ♪
♪ to my activities for the day! ♪
♪ Arts and crafts, ♪
♪ and tie-dye, ♪
♪ archery, ♪
♪ and bull's-eye, ♪
♪ canoeing, ♪
♪ all of them and pillow fights around the clock. ♪
♪ In the mess ♪
♪ eating tater tots. ♪
♪ Basketball! ♪
♪ Taking all the shots, ♪
♪ and when the day comes to an end, ♪
♪ go to sleep and do it again. ♪
♪ I love Camp Takota. ♪
♪ Going to miss Camp Takota. ♪
♪ But I'll be back next summer. ♪
♪ Yay! ♪♪
[cheering, applause]
Bravo! Bravo!
[cheering, applause]
(Penny) That was fun.
[applause]
[chatter, laughter]
Hard to believe it's closing campfire, huh?
Are summers getting shorter?
[chuckles] Why don't you lead this one?
Are you sure?
Thanks.
[applause]
Every year, we close out the summer with one final campfire.
It's a chance to reflect on what an amazing summer it's been
and all the memories you'll hold onto until you're back here next summer
for opening campfire.
No! No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
There will be no opening campfire next year.
A yule log DVD at best.
Because -- drumroll, Kyle --
[drumming]
I'm taking over camp. [chuckles]
Yep, I'm finally giving this place a long-overdue makeover.
I'm bringing this hole into the 21st century.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Okay.
Yep. No.
It's true.
Jared might be taking over next summer.
And you'll be updating your statuses from the mess hall
and live tweeting the campfires.
And all your friends back home will know how awesome this place is.
But who wants that?
Since I was eight years old, this place has been like an old friend to me.
We have all our inside jokes and the songs that only we know.
And you go back home and you try to tell people about camp,
and you end up just saying, "You had to be there."
Well, I really hope...
that there's still going to be a place you have to be.
Because I'm not ready to say goodbye to this friend yet.
[sniffles]
Okay.
Sorry.
Tonight we are so honored to have with us a very special guest
at Takota to read our Takota campfire ghost story.
He is the New York Times bestselling author
of such thrillers as --
Hey.
Elise.
Eli, I just...
I really wanted to say that I am so sorry.
I was just really mean to you yesterday.
I mean, like I was straight up a bitch.
Okay, well, I wouldn't say that.
No, I was.
Maybe a little.
Look, I thought about what you said.
And you were right: this has been fun.
♪
But Elise, I want it to keep being fun.
(Max) Eli Morton.
Eli...
That smell. What is that?
I slept in a bus station last night.
Gross.
He's going to be great at this if he ever --
(Allison) Eli, Max just intro'd you.
Hi. Welcome.
Give him a round of applause, everybody.
Excuse me. Thank you.
Break a leg.
♪
He's a writer?
Yeah.
And a local farmer.
Look: technically, I didn't lie to you.
[exhales]
(Eli) So to this day, Takota campers
can still see the ghost.
You see, he's attracted to the fire.
He's drawn to the smoke.
Much like the campfire we have going on right now.
[branches snapping]
So when you Takota girls build your campfires for s'mores
and stories
[branches snapping]
just remember: you might have an extra visitor at your campout that night.
(Jared) What was that? Somebody call 9-1-1.
I'm not getting any service.
[leaves rustling]
[girls screaming]
Get me out of here!
[girls screaming]
Elise!
Oh, no.
(Jared) This place sucks.
Jeff, what are you doing here?
Elise, you did not return any of my calls.
I've nothing to say to you.
I'm sorry, okay?
I messed up. I know that, alright?
I am so sorry.
But you cannot -- you have to give me a chance.
Oh, I don't have to do anything.
(Eli) El, everything alright?
Who the hell's this guy?
This is my boy-
(campers) Aww...
Eli.
This is my Eli.
This guy?
This --
Seriously.
(campers) Oh....!
Stop! Stop!
Jeff, you are ruining Visitors Day!
Stop!
(camper) That's going to leave a mark.
Jeff, we are done!
It's over!
Stop embarrassing yourself; go home!
♪
What are you looking at?
Huh?
♪
And you...
♪
that was incredibly hot, and I am very turned on right now.
(campers) Aww...!
(camper) It's so romantic!
I love camp so much.
♪
I should go...
Yeah, me too.
...do the...
thing.
Yep.
♪
Sorry, everyone.
Just dealing with a ghost from my past!
[cheering, applause]
Well, that was quite the closing campfire.
Thank you to Eli, for the ghost story.
[applause]
What do you say we reconvene in the morning for a delicious breakfast spread prepared by Allison?
How you doing?
Might've had a few bowls of FiberNuts, but I'm holding up.
Max, I had no idea that Jeff was going to show up tonight.
I am so sorry if this ruined --
Uh-uh.
It's fine.
You know, we did all we could do.
And I am really glad you came back.
Okay.
Shall we?
Well, duh. [chuckles]
To best friends.
(Allison) What about me?
[laughter]
Alright, get in here.
(Elise) Do you have like supersonic hearing or something?
I've got some supersonic dishes I've got to do, so I'll just take one.
Okay.
Best friends.
Cheers, guys.
♪
Max.
Channing Tatum.
(Allison) Oh, my God. You guys overslept.
And you reek of scotch!
Now, come on.
Put an Altoid in your mouth and come help me out.
The line in the mess is insane.
What?
Yes!
Allison, everything's under control.
What are you talking about?
Oh, I'm not talking about this line.
Come on.
I'm talking about that line.
♪
Yeah, no one can shut up about last night's ghost.
Apparently it reminded campers and ex-campers aka moms
with checkbooks how magical camp can be.
Plus I think they genuinely don't want Jared in charge of their children.
♪
Hey.
Guess what.
What?
We officially did it; over 60 percent of the camp has preregistered.
(Max) Hey, Chet?
Guess what?
♪
Chet, please?
I don't get it.
Woodshed.
Chet, woodshed.
So like, how old do you have to be to be a counselor?
Because obvi, I am super-mature for my age.
Okay, smoker's cough doesn't make you mature.
Give it five more summers as a camper.
Okay. Well, can you put all the robin's eggs in the same cabin next year?
It's a deal.
Are you serious? [gasp]
Whoa!
Bye.
I'll see you next summer, girls.
You guys, we did it!
[cheering]
So exciting!
(Max) I know!
Wow.
Maxine.
Hi!
I hear you are about to take over the Takota throne.
The rumors are true-mors, Ms. Fefferman.
Call me Kathy.
And then...
just call me.
Let's talk sponsorship!
Okay.
Elise, I just want to thank you for everything you did for Penny this summer.
It was my pleasure.
Everything?
(Allison) Did you get a deal on Avon?
Kathy Fefferman: President of Fefferman Sporting Goods.
I smell an equestrian center.
Oh, no. That's just me.
(Allison) Oh.
Ooh.
Guys, is that Lindsay Johnson?
The "practicing Frenching" Lindsay Johnson?
Excuse me, ladies.
♪ This is my moment. ♪
I'm going to go help with preregistrations.
In the woodshed.
Ooh.
♪
Can I get in on this?
Bring it over, lady.
[sighs] So Max, now that you are officially camp director,
and there's actually a camp to direct,
what is your first order of business?
Allison?
Yep?
You're fired.
Aww, man!
(Elise) Don't worry, girl; we can be unemployed together!
Girls, seriously, thank you.
Like all jokes and sarcasm aside, thank you.
I'm pretty lucky to have two friends that will put up
with all my crazy ideas.
You know, like saving a camp.
(Allison) I think it was worth saving.
Yep.
Agreed.
Unlike that fanny pack.
I'm sorry, what was that?
Okay, I haven't said a single thing
but that has got to go.
(Max) This is a classic, Elise.
(Elise) It makes me class-sick.
(Allison) Oo-ooh!
(Elise) I did one.
(Max) That was good.
I'm proud of you for that joke, but I still don't believe you
on the fanny pack.
Yeah, you've really got to fanny-pack it up.
♪
Raise that end a little higher?
It's perfect.
♪
(girl) Thank you very much.
(Elise) You're welcome.
What's your name?
Eli.
What are you doing here?
Well, I think you're really pretty, and I wanted your autograph, so.
You know you get these for free.
Quit holding up my line.
Alright.
I'll be at the bar.
Security!
Hi, what's your name?
Madison.
Hi, Madison.
♪
Thank you.
Hi, what's your name?
Isabelle.
Hi, Isabelle.
♪
♪♪ Hey, ladies.
♪ Camp, camp, camp it up. ♪
♪ Camp, camp, camp, camp, camp it up. ♪
♪ Camp, camp, camp it up. ♪
♪ Camp, camp, camp, camp, camp it up. ♪
♪ I said, camp, camp, camp it up. ♪
♪ Camp, camp, camp, camp, camp it up. ♪
♪ I said, camp, camp, camp it up. ♪
♪ Camp, camp, camp, camp, camp it up. ♪
♪ Camp! ♪
♪ Camp, camp, camp it up. ♪
♪ Camp! Cabins...! ♪
♪ Camp! Sunburn...! ♪
♪ Camp! Bug bites, bug bites. ♪
♪ Camp, camp, camp it up. ♪
♪ Camp. I got my camp stamp. ♪
♪ Camp. Row that boat. Row that boat. ♪
♪ Camp. Hoo-ha, hoo-ha. ♪
♪ Camp, camp, camp it up. ♪
♪ Camp. Give it to me at camp. ♪
♪ Camp. Just kidding: please don't. ♪
♪ Camp. The smells. ♪
♪ Camp... camp... camp! ♪
♪ Row that boat. Row that boat. ♪
♪ Why am I here? ♪
♪ Bug bites, bug bites. ♪
♪ Give it to me at camp. Yeah. ♪
♪ Row that boat, row that boat. ♪
♪ Why am I here? ♪
♪ Bug bites, bug bites. ♪
♪ Give it to me at camp. Yeah. ♪
♪ Camp, camp, camp it up. ♪
♪ Camp, camp, camp, camp, camp it up. ♪♪
♪