(ENGINE TURNS OVER AND REVS)
("GO RIGHT AHEAD" BY THE HIVES PLAYS)
BOY: I am so fucked.
I make one stupid bet with a sociopathic Lithuanian kid
and now my best friend's in jail, my dad is a fugitive,
they found a dead body in my mom's trunk,
the love of my life thinks I'm the Antichrist,
and I have crabs.
- But most shockingly... - (BANGING)
Mom?
She wouldn't have gone anywhere. We're fully stocked.
Mom? Mom?
(MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY IN BACKGROUND)
Holy... shit.
BOY: Is that a letter to her dog?
OPERATOR: 911. What's your emergency?
Yes, I'd like to order an ambulance.
- OPERATOR: Location, please? - BOY: 844 Marx Avenue.
- OPERATOR: Oh, hey, Rick. - (DOORBELL RINGS)
OPERATOR: Rick? Rick?
I'm selling raffle tickets to the Policemen's Ball.
Is your mother home?
Yes, but I think she's dead.
- PARAMEDIC: Step down, and... - Got it.
OFFICER: Alright, everybody, calm down! OK?
This is a crime scene.
PARAMEDIC 2: Hold up one second.
Let me get a picture of this real quick.
OFFICER: It's just a potential homicide.
We better hurry in case she's an organ donor.
OFFICER: Don't make me hurt you. What is the victim's name?
Lucy Rebecca Stevens.
- Date of birth? - Uh, March something.
- Old. - Old. Education?
My mom's deep-throating a breathing tube
and you wanna know how far in college she got?
Listen, we have a potential homicide investigation here.
A homicide? How do you explain the myriad of suicide notes?
- You can't have those. - That one's addressed to me.
- They're evidence. - That one's addressed to me.
Only if you let me look at it first.
Now keep back.
What does 'opprobrious' mean?
It means abusive or malevolent.
Well, you're opprobrious,
and you've been fucking her best friend.
How did she find out? If Mom knows, who else?
Billy would be pissed that I was ploughing his mom,
not to mention how his dad, her husband,
the ex-college football player turned Neo-Nazi,
sporting goods salesman
who does a very good business in shotguns might feel.
More importantly, what if Nina Pennington finds out?
(SULTRY MUSIC)
Enough about me, I wanna see what this one says.
- Now we'll hang on to these. - Yeah, fine, fine.
Until after our investigation is complete.
Alright.
Oh, uh, about those raffle tickets?
(DOG BARKS)
It was Mrs Bender. The nut job told her.
Of course, she left out how it happened.
I had no choice. It's kind of...
It's kind of embarrassing,
but here's how the whole thing went down.
(TAPE REWINDS)
I wager $1,000.
Two weeks ago, I wasn't fucked.
- You know Josh Groban? - Not even close.
Truth was, I had never had sex with anyone other than myself,
but this was the year I was gonna change that.
I had fallen in love and her name was Nina Pennington.
You forgot to put the seat down, fag.
It wasn't me. It was... it was Mom.
Oh, for the love of little baby Jesus,
would you close those goddamn drapes?
Some people's moms look at the glass half full.
Other moms look at it half empty.
Mine looks at it and asks if you're gonna finish it.
Mom, did you leave the toilet seat up?
Sorry?
Where's your father?
Uh... he moved out again.
Right. Sonofabitch.
You watch, I'm gonna divorce him this time.
Where were you last night until 3am, madam?
Uh, feeding the homeless.
- Aww. - Why do you always believe her?
When I said I was giving blood,
you told me I was full of shit and grounded me.
You didn't have any track marks and watch your fucking mouth.
And I got straight A's in school.
And she got straight A's. Have you heard from Agent...?
Stanford, and no, I haven't heard anything yet,
but it should be any day now.
RICK: You're a stripper, Kristen.
With all the tips you make, why do you even need a degree?
Because I'm trying to better myself.
Why can't you be more like your sister?
Why would I want to be a skanky ho?
- Mom, kill him. - Can I?
OK, so the whole thing started Saturday...
Joseph Stevens, my sperm donor.
He stayed married to my mom
because he couldn't afford a divorce.
If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
- What are you up to, mister? - Nothing.
- You are grounded. - No.
Unless you do me one little favour.
And here I thought you came for some quality father-son time.
Remember that video camera I borrowed last week?
Oh, yeah, video camera,
to videotape that sales pitch with your secretary.
Sales pitch. Oh, yeah, yeah, sales pitch.
Anyhow, I think I left a tape in it.
- Your mother didn't, uh...? - Mom operate video equipment?
She has a hard enough time with the doorknob.
- How is your mother? - Do you honestly care, Joseph?
- Not really, no. - Steven.
- Joseph wants his tape back. - STEVEN: Twat.
Thank you.
And, the next time you borrow the camera for a sales pitch,
try not to leave any... residue on the tripod.
You are so grounded, mister.
Grounded.
OK, so the whole thing started on Saturday, April 14.
Unfortunately, this is pretty much a true story.
The names have not been changed to protect the innocent,
because, well, everyone in this story is guilty of something.
Speaking of guilty,
I was running errands for Jimmy Leach.
He manages the club where my sister, Kristen, strips.
Yo, pussy!
He also manages to be a total tool.
I mean, look at that 'stache.
Gotta be a registered sex offender.
(JIMMY SNIFFS)
I need you to go find Cherysh. She's MIA again.
He didn't pay shit but I could think
of worse ways to spend the day.
Are you still fucking here?
- 'Bye, Tanya. - (KNOCK ON DOOR)
Fuck off! Mmm. What day is it?
- It's Saturday. - (SPLUTTERS AND COUGHS)
OK, uh... I will give you a blow job
if you tell him I had to get my stomach pumped.
Huh?
Hm.
I'm more a grower than a shower.
Well, maybe this will put you more at ease.
OK, I know this is kind of bad, but... again.
Again.
(LIQUID SQUIRTS)
Less work for me.
SONG: ♪ Then I could make it safe and clean
♪ Doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo Oh... ♪
Billy, open up, it's Rick. Hey, Billy!
Ricky.
Don't let the attractive exterior fool you.
She's dangerous.
Now, I don't like to point fingers,
but everything was pretty much her fault.
Well, except for the dead people.
- Hi. - Hi, Mrs Bender.
- How are you? - Good.
Is Billy home?
Yeah, he's probably upstairs, you know...
- RICK: OK. - Hey, stay on the runner!
- Hey, Billy, guess what. - (BILLY SQUEALS)
Billy Bender... after he flunked homeschool twice,
the state made his parents send him to a real school.
Didn't help.
Oh, Rick, I thought you were my mom.
Dude, it's called a lock.
(MOANS)
Oh, my god.
Ah.
(WHISPERS) Could you pass me a tissue?
Thanks.
No. No.
- Dude, guess what. - BILLY: What?
- I kind of got a blow job today. - Shut up! From who?
- A girl down at the club. - BILLY: A stripper?
You better hope she doesn't have AIDS.
You really know how to ruin a moment.
I'm just saying. I saw this documentary...
Or maybe it was a movie?
Anyway, it was called 'Rent',
and everyone in it had AIDS, and it sucked, Rick.
- The movie or the disease? - The movie.
- (GASPS) - BILLY: Mom!
You boys are still here.
Billy, I was wondering if you could go down to the store
and buy Momma some cigarettes.
- Now? - No, next Thursday.
Now. Go.
There's money in my purse, OK?
Oh, Ricky, I was wondering if you could stay and help me
with something in the thing.
He really has come in handy since he turned 18.
Can't wait until he turns 21. (GIGGLES)
So... you had an eventful day.
No more than usual, no.
Billy told me you got a blow job.
How? I literally just told him.
Well, the point is that I know.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Like, I said, "Kinda got the blow job."
Rick, your mom, my best friend,
is going to find out if you keep gallivanting around
with these... these hookers.
We're gonna have to come up with some way to fix this.
Could we just keep it a secret?
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Good. (LAUGHS)
OK. Was she good at it, at least?
Uh... I think so.
It's just so good that you came out of your comfort zone.
- It's, uh... - Yeah.
It's very important to... try new things.
OK.
And I just think that if you do,
you need to experience them in a, uh, safe environment.
Whoa, Mrs Bender. Are you trying to seduce me?
No. My God, no, no, no, no.
OK, I just thought that you were...
No, I... I wanna be your teacher.
Yeah, I'm going to help you gain much needed experience.
Do you have a girlfriend?
Yes. No. Girlfriend?
Well, one day you will, and you owe it to her to be ready.
- Sure. - OK.
Come here.
Mmm. Does that feel good?
It feels good. It feels really good.
You just raise your hand if you have any questions.
My God. It's also really nice to pay attention to the girls.
- To the what? - The girls.
Yeah. Gentle.
Mmm... that's nice.
Mmm. I like that.
- (MUMBLES) Uh, Mrs Bender? - Mm-hm?
I can't breathe.
Oh, it's OK, I'll breathe for both of us.
Sometimes you look at your life and say,
"I'm doing the best I can."
Other times, you have to look at your life and say,
"I just fucked my best friend's mom."
But as I lay here the morning after losing my virginity,
all I could think about was what everyone would say if they knew.
You devil's spawn.
Nice one, son. I want to see photos.
Does her pussy taste like Seagram's?
No, I mean, it makes sense.
I mean, you guys hang out, like, all the ti...
Oh, my God, his mom?
Jesus fucking Christ!
You're a mother-fucker, Rick Stevens.
I will never be your girlfriend.
Nina can't find out.
I'm gonna ask Nina Pennington out.
Right... you've had a boner for her since the sixth grade.
She still doesn't even know you exist.
Now's a good time to change that.
Doesn't change the fact she's still dating Kevin Carpenter.
- Well, hello, gentlemen. - Holy shit!
OK, I should probably stop for a second
and give you the down-low on Junior Dahmer here.
AW, fuck it.
- Hey, Karlis. - So Nina Pennington, huh?
She is pretty, isn't she?
Don't you think you're setting your sights a bit high there?
No. I mean, why not? I'm not missing a toe or anything.
I like your bravado. It's cute.
Tell you what, what say I make things a bit more interesting.
- Huh! Yeah, sure. - KARLIS: Good.
I wager $1,000 that you will not be able
to sign, seal and deliver Nina Pennington.
Nobody's delivering Nina Pennington.
- Sure I can. - Fine.
- By Arbor Day.
Thanks for that unsolicited stipulation, Billy.
So, two weeks. Is that a problem?
Nope.
Shake it, Rick. It's creeping me out.
Oh, shit.
You made a bet with a mobster's son.
(WATER RUNS)
Uh, a freshman just got hit by a bus.
- BOY 1: Oh, whoa. - BOY 2: Again? Cool.
Goddamn it. 1,000 bucks. I'm a dead man.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
(ETHEREAL MUSIC)
- What the fuck? - Relax.
- You're having a holy vision. - Who are you?
Saint Lola's the name. I'm the patron saint of teenagers.
Don't bother looking me up
in the book of saints... I'm unlisted.
A saint? What are you doing in the boys' bathroom?
Old habits die hard.
You kind of look like my mother,
except with a camel toe.
I get that a lot.
Wait a minute, am I being punked?
You're being poped. I'm here to help.
You're gonna help me score with Nina Pennington?
It's not quite that easy.
The things we wish for
are rarely the things we need, Rick.
So you're not gonna grant my wish.
I'm not a fucking genie. I'm a saint.
I'm here to make the path a little clearer,
so you can make the right choices.
What the fuck?
Look for the signs.
(BELL RINGS)
MAN ON P.A.: Attention, students...
this week's Drama Club production of 'Pippin'
has been cancelled.
Kevin Carpenter,
the biggest fucking asshole in the world,
and Nina Pennington's current boyfriend.
We had every reason to hate him
after what happened last spring.
Billy passed out at Greg Drubin's party
and woke up the next morning
with a condom up his ass and fear in his eye.
Kevin waited a week to tell him
that it was a broom handle that took his butt cherry.
We are through.
Bitch!
A sign. Saint Lola was right.
- Wait. Saint who? - It's a sign from God.
God wants me to be with Nina Pennington,
in every possible position.
I've graded your exams
and will be returning them to you at the end of class.
However, I doubt if you'll want them.
Miss Pennington got the only A.
- Yes, was it an A-plus? - No.
And now who amongst us can conjugate the verb 'vivo'?
(STUDENT WHISPERS) What's a verb?
- PROFESSOR: Mr Stevens. - Ah...
Ah, OK, the conjugation of vivo.
Uh, I believe that would be 'vi', 'vive', V-V-V...
Well, that was viv-awful.
The correct conjugation of the verb 'vivo' is...
(WHISPERS) Strike one.
PROFESSOR: ..vivo, vivere, vixi...
(SPLUTTERS) Victum...
- (THUD!) - (SCREAMS)
Principal Poole cancelled classes that afternoon
so we could each mourn Mr Apgar in our own way.
(ALL CHEER)
- Perfect timing. - Huh?
MAN ON P.A.: Attention, all students.
All girls basketball players...
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi, I'm Rick Stevens from...
The slow kid from Latin class, I know.
Uh, yeah. Congratulations on the A.
Thank you. Hopefully I'll do better next time.
I was just wondering if you needed a ride
to Mr Apgar's funeral.
- You're going? - He was like a father to me.
I'm deep in grief and shit right now.
Who said that you could talk to my girlfriend, douche bag?
I'm not your girlfriend, Kevin.
We always get back together.
- You know that. - NINA: Not this time.
Rick was just asking if I would accompany him
to Mr Apgar's funeral, and I said yes.
Really? Well, a funeral is a perfect place for you to be.
'Cause you're a dead man.
- Kevin... - KEVIN: Fuck!
So is that a yes?
What? What?
What? Nothing. Nothing.
OK. 'Bye.
I'm in.
You're dead.
I wasn't dead, not yet, but our first date was at a funeral.
In retrospect, that might not have been one of my best ideas.
That was a lovely service.
Is it just me or did he look more alive dead?
SONG ON RADIO: ♪ From a higher window... ♪
- Ew. - I love this song.
Me too.
My parents don't like me listening
to a lot of pop stations, due to all the satanic lyrics.
But Mindy has a CD. When I go to her house, I listen to it.
I think he's so dreamy.
And before I could stop myself...
When he's in town, I go to his concert
and hang with him backstage.
(LAUGHS AND COUGHS)
Wait, you know Josh Groban?
Yeah, we're pretty tight.
Then you must be going to his show tomorrow night.
Yes, of course. Ha! Yeah.
I'd love to take you,
but I know your parents wouldn't let you go, so...
Actually, my parents went to Omaha for the world premiere
of 'Christ on Ice', starring Johnny Weir,
and they're gone till Monday, so they'd never know.
Great. Great.
- (WHISPERS) Strike two. - This is so sensational.
Uh-huh.
I mean, it would really help me
take my mind off things, you know?
- (CRASH!) - (BILLY GROANS)
- Nina, are you alright? - Your mom's gonna kill you.
You better get their insurance information.
Oh, Rick. I'm stuck.
What the fuck, dude?
Hey! Seriously?
SONG: ♪ I said bitch I'mma fuck you up
♪ Get the fuck out my face
♪ I'mma show you what the deal is
♪ Bitch, mother-fucker... ♪
This totally reminds me of a German porno I downloaded.
Father Krumins?
Richard. Oh, I am so sorry about this slight mishap.
Shouldn't we call the police?
Miss Pennington, please thank your mother again
for hosting such a splendid bingo night last week.
I mean, her devilled eggs were absolutely sinful.
Shouldn't we call the police?
I don't think that's necessary.
I mean, if you don't mind, I'd rather not report it.
I'd hate for both our premiums to go up.
Plus, these sisters have taken a vow of silence,
so the fewer the questions to answer the better.
Don't worry, the archdiocese will take care of everything.
Peace out. Sisters? Better hurry.
(LAUGHS) Should we call the police? Pfft.
MAN: We pay you good money to run this place.
That is the best you can do?
They look like they have full-blown hepatitis.
It's the morning shift.
I mean, I'm working on putting a breakfast buffet in here
that will blow your fucking mind, Vitolda.
I'm talking about eggs and bacon, whipped cream,
sausage and a lap dance, all in, $12.99.
You girls suck!
How many times have I told you,
you won't draw a crowd if you don't draw a bath.
You make me sick. Get in the shower. You, you're fired!
- I don't work here. - Wanna go out for some Korean barbecue?
Ugh, oh, God.
Cops have been on our ass, so business has been down.
That means receipts here better go up, Jimbo,
or you're gonna be out of a job.
And probably a leg. (CLEARS THROAT)
RICK: Jimmy? Hey, Jimmy. Jimmy, I need to ask you a favour.
- Jimmy. - Fuck off, will you?
I need to talk to your friend at the Paramount.
- For what? - I need backstage passes.
For Josh Groban's concert tomorrow.
Well, I really need Britney Spears to lick my balls.
No, wait, that wasn't it.
Well, I need J.Lo to stick her finger up my ass.
No, that was my dad.
You know what I need? I need my poop chute bleached.
- That's it. - What? Look, I'll do anything.
Anything?
Seems Jimmy had a date too, and he needed some ecstasy.
The dealer was running a buy-20, get-5-free sale,
so I pocketed the extra pills.
I don't want you getting the wrong idea about me,
but nowhere in the Bible does it say,
"Thou shalt not take ecstasy."
That's true.
With Lucy's car being fixed by the archdiocese,
I needed wheels to get to Josh Graham's show.
I can't believe I just said that.
Mmm. Mmm.
Mrs Bender, I'm gonna need to ask you a favour.
Anything. Anything at all.
I'm gonna need to borrow your car.
My car? Where are we going?
I have to follow my dad to catch him
with his mistress for my mom's lawyer.
Only I can't have my mom find out,
because she's liable to do something violent.
- You know how she is. - Oh, yeah.
Sure, that's very sweet of you.
Yeah?
Thanks, I really appreciate it.
You want to show me how much you appreciate it?
Well, I'd better be going.
(MRS BENDER GIGGLES)
If you want the car...
- Meow. - (GASPS)
Jesus, you scared the hell out of me.
That's the idea.
What are you doing here? If it's about the ecstasy...
Relax, nowhere in the Bible does it say,
"Thou shalt not take ecstasy."
- I'm more concerned with lying. - But I really needed the car.
The betting, the adultery,
the not honouring thy mother and father.
OK, I get it. I get it.
You're in quite the pickle, aren't you?
On the one hand, if you do manage
to get Nina to succumb to your advances,
you'll have to deal with her delusional ex
with the rage issues.
On the other hand, if she spurns you,
well, do you even have 1,000 bucks?
You're not helping me here.
Shouldn't you be telling me how I should win her heart?
Things are never that easy, Rick.
Don't rush where you're going. Otherwise you may never arrive.
Oh, and one more thing.
I know, the stealing.
No.
I'm going to Ibiza on holiday,
so you're on your own for a while.
Don't screw it up. Oh, and look out for the Lithuanians.
- I'm redecorating. - I can see that.
It's better, huh? More cheery.
- Yeah, sure. - Oh, where's my car?
Uh, Steven has it.
As long as your asshole father doesn't.
- You watch, this time... - You're gonna divorce him?
You betcha I am. Fat fuck.
Mrs Bender? Mrs Bender?
Oh... Uh, hey, Mr Bender.
I'm getting ready to go hunting.
- Nice. - Was he on to me?
Did he know I was screwing his wife
on their new Scotchgarded sofa?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, I thought maybe Billy could come along.
- No. - You know, keep you company.
And he'll bring his new camera.
It's gonna be boring waiting for them to leave the apartment.
Well, Billy's used to boring.
- OK, have fun. - 'Bye, Momma.
Hey, did you hear about the new Latin teacher?
He got killed in a wreck on the I-40.
(VOICE ON RECORDING SPEAKS LATIN)
- There's a reason they call Latin the dead language. - Huh?
Oh, by the way, we're not going to Joseph's den of debauchery.
Well, then where are we going?
We're gonna go pick up Nina and grab some backstage passes.
I've got a date with destiny.
As long as we don't drive on the I-40.
RICK: This is the place. Turn here.
NINA: Ew.
RICK: He said 8:30. We're just a few minutes early.
I can't believe I'm about to meet Josh.
I mean, this is the most exciting thing I've ever done.
I met David Spade once.
Well, if it wasn't him, it looked just like him.
So... what are your plans after graduation?
I don't really have any at the moment.
That doesn't sound very wise.
Oh, you meant plans? Like... Oh, yeah, I have a lot of those.
How about you, you have any plans?
- Oh, I'm gonna become a priest. - (LAUGHS AND SPLUTTERS)
I definitely have a calling.
- And I'd call you out. - What does that mean?
Nothing, it doesn't mean anything.
Hey, wait a second. I thought girls could only be nuns.
- Only ugly girls are nuns. - That's not true.
Yeah, that's not true, Billy. Shut up.
Don't mind Billy. He's... missing a chromosome.
So this priest thing, that's great.
You sure you wouldn't rather just be
on 'American Idol' or something?
It's 8:30.
(CHUCKLES) A priest?
That means that she can't ever...
- I know, Billy. - You just kicked my mom's car.
- Is everything OK? - Yup, we're great.
What if she sees that dent? She's gonna kill me.
She won't kill you if I don't bring you home alive.
BILLY: Rick!
She's gonna be so angry at me.
Billy, shut up. Here it is.
Jimmy, open up.
(RICK AND BILLY GROAN)
Where the fuck is my shit?
Here. My backstage passes.
You want your backstage passes, you're gonna have to take
a good, long, hard look at the ass, Cleaver.
- What? - JIMMY: Jimmy Junior.
Do it, son.
Then you'll give me my backstage passes?
Look at him, be a man. Look at Ricardo.
The vomiting cobra. The meat monkey.
- Do it, take a look. - OK.
Now you're a man.
Can I have my backstage passes now?
Let me grab those for you.
Oh, by the way, go fuck yourself!
That douche bag. Now what am I gonna do?
Dude, did you see his balls?
NINA: Guys, come on. We don't want to keep Josh waiting.
- RICK: OK. - NINA: Come on, come on.
Hey, Rick, isn't that your dad's car?
RICK: Oh, shit, I think you're right.
- NINA: Whose car? - RICK: What's he doing here?
(WOMAN SCREAMS) Fuck me!
JOSEPH: Take that. Ride me.
WOMAN: Oh, Joseph. Do me doggy style!
That's Rick's dad.
And your... mom?
- JOSEPH: Your pussy's so tight. - Doubtful.
I think this is what my parents were trying to shelter me from.
WOMAN: Are you ready for your turnkey?
- Those are both our dads. - Yeah, I'm pretty positive.
I think I'm gonna throw up. Oh, God.
I think I have an idea.
WOMAN: Fuck me! Fuck me!
(RICK BANGS ON DOOR) Vice squad.
JOSEPH: Oh, shit. Leave the dildo! Let's go! Let's go!
Oh, my God, go! Hurry.
MR BENDER: I'm getting in the car, don't yell at me!
JOSEPH: Hurry up, let's go!
MR BENDER: Pamela's gonna kill me! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
(MEN TALK ON TOP OF EACH OTHER)
- Billy? - JOSEPH: Richard?
- RICK: Shit! Shit! - MR BENDER: You stay, mister!
Nina! Nina, come here, let's go!
- You stay right there, mister! - You are so grounded!
- It was Rick's idea. - What?
(BILLY VOMITS)
So... what's your name?
Nina.
Nina? That's a pretty name for a... (SPITS) ..pretty girl.
Can I get you something, honey?
Tea? Soup? An HIV test?
These are brand-new Dockers.
You know I puke when I'm nervous.
What are we gonna do here? Hm?
I didn't know anyone could run that fast wearing a harness.
Alright, cut the crap. Excuse my French.
How much do you want?
As I see it... correct me if I'm wrong...
you'd like us to forget you were here.
We'd also like to forget we were here.
The only thing that's preventing us
from falling into a state of total amnesia
is this little dent problem we have.
Now, if that just... (WHISTLES) ..went away,
we could forget everything.
- How you suppose we do that? - Yeah.
You'll say you ran into Mrs Bender's car
on the street outside your apartment.
Why would his wife believe her car was outside my apartment?
You'll have to trust me on this one.
(BOTH WHISPER INAUDIBLY)
- Alright... deal. - Deal.
You sure you're OK with Billy and Mr Bender taking you home?
Totally. Your dad kind of creeps me out. No of fence.
None taken.
Are you gonna be OK, though?
I don't know what I would do if I found my dad in a motel
with our neighbour and an underage hooker.
Yeah, it's not the first time. I'm just...
I'm sorry we missed the concert.
It's OK. Actually, I had fun.
You did?
- Oddly enough, yeah. - Really?
Well, I guess we'll have to do it again sometime. (LAUGHS)
I'd like that.
Me too.
I know where you, Billy, Mr Bender,
and your son of a bitch father were last night.
- Don't even try to deny it. - Well...
I had a detective follow your father.
Not only were he and Keith Bender at a motel
with some crack whore,
you and Billy were there with some slut of your own.
What is it with the men in this family?
You're such miserable fucks, you gotta bring in
the neighbours to pinch-hit for you?
Where is your father anyway?
I called to scream at him, he wasn't there.
He is on a business trip. Lithuania.
(SIGHS) Figures he wouldn't be here to face the music.
When I get back, I'm gonna hire a lawyer.
Just you wait and see.
Where are you going?
What do you mean, where am I going?
- It's April. - Rehab never works for you.
I think you've developed an immunity.
It always works for me, until I come home to my family.
Mom, really? Come on.
- What? - Vodka? Nice.
Arriving at rehab sober is like showing up
to a tennis lesson without a racquet.
- (CAR HORN BEEPS) - There's my cab.
Don't sell the house this time.
- (GIGGLES) Ricky! Yoo-hoo! - Oh, shit!
Can I speak with you for a moment?
Yeah, you.
- Richard. - Father Krumins.
Well, thanks again, Mrs Bender,
for opening your lovely home to this week's bingo game.
Oh, not at all, Father.
Hopefully, next time Lois Enlow won't get her prosthetic arm
stuck in the garbage disposal.
Took Keith four hours to get that thing out.
- God bless you. - Thanks. OK, yeah.
I spoke with your mother this morning.
What were you doing with that little slut yesterday?
- Which slut? - How many sluts were you with?
One. None.
Nina's not a slut, she's a friend from school.
I feel like you don't really care about me.
- Sorry? - Can I ask you a question?
- OK. - Do you want to fuck me?
Uh, Mrs Bender, I have school.
Skip homeroom. Come on, I'll write you a note. Let's go!
- Argh! - Hello.
Hey, Karlis, what's up?
Less than a week before Arbor Day. How's that going?
Good. I probably won't even need that long.
Hey, how do you like your pinkies?
How do I like my pinkies?
I mean the way they currently are.
Yeah, I like my... pinkies.
You better be right.
MAN ON P.A.: A reminder, students,
this year's prom has been cancelled.
Hey, you missed homeroom. Where were you?
I was fucking your mother up the ass.
- What? - Kidding. I overslept.
Hey, Billy. Hi, Rick.
Hi.
Everyone, this is Sister Marie Therese Francine Dubois.
She will be filling in for the late Mr Apgar,
and the late Mr Marquart, who died so tragically on I-40.
Sister is a Carmelite nun. She's taken a vow of silence.
However, given our urgent need, Father Krumins
has gracefully granted the sister special dispensation
for her to speak during class, so she won't go to hell.
Sister.
(MOUTHS WORDS)
I am very happy to be teaching you.
My name is Sister Marie Therese Francine Dubois.
Since there isn't time to get through what I want,
I will not have time to take any quest...
- Hm. - She died.
- No, she's... just sleeping. - (SISTER SNORES)
Bet you five bucks she wakes in less than a minute
without anyone saying anything.
OK, you're on.
(SISTER CONTINUES TO SNORE)
Come on. Come on.
30 seconds.
45 seconds.
55 seconds.
- Yes! - SISTER: Conquest of Gaul.
The forces of civilisation over the barbarians in ipso facto...
Oh! Alright, double or nothing.
Count me out.
(THUD)
What? What do you want?
Are we gonna get the rest of the day off
like we did for Mr Apgar?
I for one clearly feel traumatised again.
Yeah, and besides, we got totally gypped
when his replacement bit it on the I-40.
Mr Marquart never even taught a class!
Fine! You know, it's your education.
I don't give a shit, but after today,
I am going to draw up an official school policy
on faculty fatalities.
Mr Stevens and Mr Bender, I'd like to see you in my office.
- 'Bye. - I don't feel so good, Rick.
Kevin Carpenter brought to my attention
that you bet on whether or not the nun was dead.
Kevin Carpenter is a dick.
- We bet on when she would wake. - Billy!
You admit to gambling on school grounds.
Well, this should be good for a nice, long suspension.
I've been waiting to take you two clowns down.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
There's a parent here to speak to you
about that thing that happened,
that one time over by that place.
(WHISPERS) Right now?
I'll be right back.
- I think I'm gonna be sick. - RICK: Swallow it, Billy.
- What are you doing? - Check this out.
Poole took this from me last year.
What's this?
Holy shit.
These are pictures from the girls' locker room.
- This is one of Nina. - (DOOR OPENS)
What are you doing, Mr Stevens?
I'm just, uh, getting out of suspension.
- What is that? - 10 to 20 would be my guess.
I've never seen those pictures before in my life.
Who said anything about pictures?
Well, I didn't take them.
And, I mean, who's to say
how long they've actually been in there?
Could have been years.
This one looks an awful lot like Emily Tolls,
and she's currently a junior.
Hey, how about I forget
all about today's little gambling indiscretion?
How about you forget that we even exist
until the end of the school year.
Rick and Billy who?
Stevens and Bender. Ow.
I'm gonna kill Carpenter.
If you don't stop chasing after Nina, he's gonna kill you.
Yeah, but if I do stop, then Malinauskas is gonna kill me,
because I can't pay him 1,000 bucks.
Well, at least you got that smoking hot picture of Nina.
I haven't even seen it yet, and I already popped a chub.
I'm gonna burn it when I get home.
Burn it? Why?
It doesn't feel right being able to see her
when she doesn't even know it.
What?
Besides, I'll be getting the real thing soon enough.
Hey! What did Principal Poole want to talk to you about?
Uh, he wanted our help
in drawing up the new school policy on faculty fatalities.
Wait! What are you two cornholers still doing here?
And because I figured he could do better than that...
What are you fucktards still doing here?
What are you fudge packers still doing here?
Ah, who am I kidding? He's borderline Cro-Magnon.
I thought Poole suspended your asses.
For your information, they were helping amend school policy.
And they were getting ready to walk me home.
I'm coming for you.
- Oh! - Butt sniffer.
Dick.
NINA: That poor nun.
I'll have to get better at the whole tears thing
if I wanna be a priest.
So this, uh, this priest thing,
is it just for the get-into-heaven-free card?
No, silly. I like helping people.
That's why I'm a candy-striper at County General too.
I dunno, everybody could use a little help from time to time.
You're hot. You don't have to help people.
Well, somebody has to.
We all don't have our own personal saints.
Besides, I want to be the first.
Like Hillary Clinton, or Amelia Earhart.
Sally Ride.
I don't know, I want to be special.
I think you already are special.
Well, thanks for walking me home.
Anytime. I, uh...
I really like... spending time with you.
- See you tomorrow. - OK.
There's hope for me yet.
- Hey, Steven. - Playing hooky, pussies?
Steven, you don't happen to know
how to say anything in Latin, do you?
- Huh? - Saved by his own stupidity.
Some dude called for you. Something about a car.
Funny way to spell 'auto'.
(PHONE RINGS)
- Yes? - RICK: Mantas Bartuska?
It's Rick Stevens.
Oh, it's gonna take another week
before I fix your mother's car.
I want to know what wheels would you like for a loan?
Loaner?
Father Krumins told me to get you whatever car you want.
- Father Krumins? Anything? - MANTAS: Anything.
Uh, well, my favourite is an Aston Martin.
It will be there within the hour.
They're loaning me an Aston Martin.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! I got accepted to Stanford!
That's amazing. You're gonna move out.
Yeah!
What?
Get a hard-on, break your dick in half and fuck yourself.
- Two great things in a row. - Wait, who's Aston Martin?
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Knock yourself out.
Whoa!
SONG: ♪ I found my beat It's in your sound... ♪
When Nina sees you in this car, she's gonna be all over you.
♪ I'll curse the crowd... ♪
Hey, can we get Slurpees?
Yeah.
- Really? - No.
♪ We've been living with the lights out
♪ Been moving in the night... ♪
So, uh, do you have any plans tonight?
Um, yeah, after Meals on Wheels,
I'm gonna go down to the shelter
and play with some stray animals... why?
Oh, uh... no reason.
Do you have enough room back there?
- Well, I... Not really. - RICK: Yeah, he's fine.
- Don't worry about him. - (SIREN BLARES)
What the...?
OFFICER: Pull over to the right side of the road.
- Why are they pulling us over? - I don't know.
But I bet it's fine. Don't worry about it.
Are you aware this car is registered to Mantas Bartuska?
Who?
He's only one of the most notorious Lithuanian mafiosos
in the entire three-county region.
- This is a mobster's car? - No, it was a loaner.
He's having my mom's car fixed.
Having the mafia fix your mother's car?
- You are? - No, no.
You remember, Father Krumins hit me, you were there.
He sent me to Mr Bartuska to have my car fixed, so...
Wait, wait, wait, the Catholic Church
sent you to the Malinauskas family's chop shop
to get your car fixed?
- (VOMITS) - Oh, my god.
Mr Stevens, I have a question I need you to answer.
OK.
How did Mantas Bartuska's body
end up in the trunk of your mother's car?
What? I... I didn't even know that Mantas Bartuska was dead.
I know nothing about this.
We nabbed you driving his Aston Martin.
Explain that to me, please.
- Am I a suspect? - Big time.
Normally, I wouldn't care about the lowlife that got shot,
but Mr Bartuska was ready to strike a plea deal
to give us the name of the head of the Lithuanian mafia.
This guy, he's so elusive and so secretive,
we don't even know his name.
But Bartuska had his name,
and was gonna give it to me until this happened.
I don't know what your real involvement here is,
but I know you're guilty of something.
I don't... I don't know anything.
- Don't interrupt me! - I...
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Yeah.
Miss Stratton-Osbourne is here for Rick.
- Dadgummit! Show her in! - Who?
I've been retained to represent Mr Stevens.
If you don't mind, I'd like a moment alone with my client.
Cigarette?
I'm 17.
I guess you're wondering why I'm here.
Father Krumins has a favour to ask you.
Father Krumins has a favour to ask me?
He requests that you refrain from mentioning
that the church is the one that referred you to Mr Bartuska.
- But I already did. - Oh.
Well, tell them you were kidding.
- The church wants me to lie? - Yes.
- Do you wanna get out of here? - Yes.
I've been doing some research.
Is it true your dad is on business in Vilnius?
Uh, I think so.
Do what I say, I'll have you out of here within the hour.
Are you sure you can get me off?
Kid, I've gotten off more guys than I care to remember.
OFFICER: How did you get the Aston Martin?
What Aston Martin?
If you don't tell me how you got the car,
I'm gonna put you in prison with an inmate
who will eat your genitals off while you're sleeping.
Tell him the truth, just like we practised.
Mr Bartuska gave it to me.
Why would Big Barty give you a brand-new Aston Martin?
He said that it was a gift in honour of my father.
What did your father do to earn such a gift from a mobster?
Well, it's definitely not because
he's a kingpin in the Lithuanian mafia.
Expect me to believe that this loser's father is in the mob?
Draw your own conclusions,
but given the alternative is that the mob hired this kid...
I mean, look at him... I think you'll see
it makes sense to look into the father.
Do you have any evidence to back this up?
Well, my father is currently on business... in Lithuania.
Check his credit card records.
You'll see he's telling the truth.
Ho! Hah!
Well, you and your client can leave now,
and I'm gonna make some phone calls... right here.
And if I don't like the answers I'm getting,
I'm gonna come see you... I know where you live.
ANNETTE: Nice work... by the time those yokels
get through chasing that line of bullshit about your father,
this whole incident will be long forgotten.
Oh, and by the way, I got your car out of impound.
You can keep it until your mom's car gets fixed.
You want to give me a ride home in your new wheels?
Why does it smell like puke in here?
If I get a speeding ticket, you can get me out of it, right?
It's a piece of cake.
Oh, can I take a few of these? I get these tension headaches.
Wait, no, those are ecs...
Those are expired.
(SIGHS HAPPILY, LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Ohhh! Oooh!
(MURMURS)
Oh, turn here.
(SQUEALS)
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Ohh! I love it!
Just touch my hand. Oh, my God, that feels so good.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God! (LAUGHS) - Ah.
You're just the nicest guy I've ever met.
Do you know you're pure, like a baby, innocent puppy.
Like an angel dog, like a little sweet puppy angel
coming from the heavens to save the world.
Do you want to come in and listen to some trance music?
ANNETTE'S VOICE: Don't do it, Rick.
You're this close to my promised land.
RICK: No, we're here, get out.
When I was a kid, I wished for big boobs.
- And then I got them. - Oh, that's great.
- Isn't that cool? - That's great, thank you.
You want to come in for some tequila?
'Bye! No! Nope. Thank you, though. 'Bye!
Huh!
(TV PLAYS SOFTLY)
Where the hell have you been?
Just undergoing interrogation downtown about my mob ties.
Hilarious.
Hi, Cherysh.
Hello.
So you've opened a brothel.
Remember the rules... they can touch you,
but you can't touch them.
It's perfect. See, they do it every night anyway.
And this way we make money,
which will be more than enough to pay Karlis.
So you're already giving up?
No, I just... I want to cover all my bases,
just in case Nina and I decide to take it slow.
Oh. OK.
(WOMEN GIGGLE AND CHATTER)
(WHISPERS) Have they had their shots?
RICK: Who cares? We're opening a strip club, not a vet's office.
They're on the pillows, Rick.
('MONEY' BY THE FLYING LIZARDS)
SONG: ♪ Money don't get everything, it's true
♪ What it don't get I can't use
♪ I want money... ♪
Hey, Kristen, we should throw a party to celebrate you leaving.
I mean, you getting into Stanford.
- Yay! Party! - Exactly.
I can smell her cooter from here.
What the hell are you up to?
Nothing. Steven can invite all his muscle freaks from the gym.
I guess we could raid Mom's secret alcohol stash.
Oh, her brain would explode.
We'd be helping with her road to recovery.
I'm only thinking of her. Pfft! Steven!
Is this gonna work?
You don't think your sister is gonna be pissed
that you gave her children's chewables instead of ecstasy?
She'll be way too wasted to notice.
Besides, she said she'd only do it if we gave her 10 pills
and I only have two left.
(GLASS SMASHES)
They even fucked with her land. She's gonna go fucking crazy.
We need to get them to start mingling
or I'm never gonna make 1,000 bucks.
Hi, everyone.
Billy tells me you guys are having a party.
PAMELA: That sounds like a lot of fun.
Am I invited?
As long as you don't tell Mom.
Tell her what? (LAUGHS)
And, uh, honey? I owe you a bottle of Tylenol.
I took the last two.
- Drinks? - Oh, yeah.
It's a strip club, Billy. You don't invite your mother.
Mrs Bender?
Mrs Bender.
Huh!
- I'm not wearing any panties. - Uhhh.
Mrs Bender, Billy and everyone are in the other room.
- Oh! I like you so much! Whoo! - Mrs Bender, Mrs Bender.
- Oh, you're so sexy. - No, no, no.
Whoo! (LAUGHS)
Shh! Be quiet. Everybody's in the other room. OK? Billy...
Shhh!
- Whoo, yeah! - (DISHWASHER WHIRRS)
Oh, this feels kind of good. Oh, it feels really good.
Oh! Ohhh!
Oh, I love this dishwasher. Yeah!
Oh! Mr Bender is pulling up.
- Fuck him. - Great idea. Why don't you?
- I want you. - Oh, no. No.
I want you so bad. I do, I do.
Ah! This is what I'm talking about.
- (LAUGHS) - No, no, no.
This could be good. It's gonna be good.
- Oh, my God. - Oh!
- (PAMELA MOANS PLEASURABLY) - This is so disturbing.
PAMELA: Oh, Ricky! Oh! Ricky!
- BILLY: What the...? - (PAMELA MOANS ECSTATICALLY)
RICK: From the look on Billy's face,
he had apparently never seen his mother masturbating on the kitchen floor before.
What are you doing to my mom?
- Ricky! - Nothing!
I wasn't doing it. She was doing it by herself.
She was just... she was just...
I feel so good! (LAUGHS)
- (BILLY LAUGHS WEAKLY) - RICK: OK. OK.
- Momma? - So happy to see you.
She's acting kind of weird, Rick.
Hell, no, that's a mean thing to say about your mom.
Can you put her in Lucy's room?
And let her lie down. She's just, you know...
Will you come? Please?
She hasn't bitten me since I was 10. That's kind of weird.
I love you. I love you so much.
BILLY: I love you too, Momma. Here, here...
- PAMELA: I love Tylenol. - RICK: No, no, no.
- JIMMY: I'm fucking busy here! - Jimmy, it's Rick.
I need your advice on something drug-related.
- Shoot. - This chick downed two E tabs.
Now she doesn't look so good. Is she gonna be OK?
- Is she hot? - Uh, yeah.
What does that have to do with anything?
Why are you asking me that?
- I'll be right over. - OK, thank God.
You got any lube?
('WORK ME' BY HYPER CRUSH PLAYS)
Thank you. Come again. Not on the furniture.
- Where's the bitch at? - Oh.
It's Billy's mom. Are you sure you can help?
Trust me, I used to be a doctor.
What the fuck is going on in here?
Oh...
- You know Kristen? - I will totally not gag.
Rick?
Hey, Nina, what brings you by?
Hey, I was just wondering
if everything worked out with the car.
Yeah, it was all just a crazy mix-up.
Well, good. I, um... I was worried about you.
You were worried about me?
Why are all these girls naked?
(SCOFFS) Yeah, it's weird, right? I don't know.
(SHRIEKS) Put that in my ass!
Maybe we should go somewhere more quiet to talk, please?
When I pee... it burns.
('WORK ME' CONTINUES)
- Where's Nina, dick breath? - Uh, this is a private club.
Tell me where Nina is or I'm calling the cops,
'cause I doubt that this neighbourhood
is zoned for a strip club.
How about I give you 50% off a lap dance?
How about I shove another broomstick up your ass?
How about I give you a free lap dance?
I'll take that blonde over there.
She looks like a dick wrecker.
But after I come, I'm coming for you,
and you better tell me where Nina is.
- Freak! - BILLY: Oh! Dick.
I've never been to a party like this before.
Yeah, me, neither. They're Kristen's friends, really.
- It's kind of fun. - Yeah?
Well, I guess, uh, life in my family is just nonstop fun.
So are your parents ever around?
Rehab always evicts my mom when her insurance runs out,
and my dad eventually wants something,
so... he comes around.
My parents are always away too.
Chasing the latest shrine or Virgin spotting.
They've been at it ever since my little sister died.
Oh, I didn't know. I'm sorry.
Oh, no, it's... My parents like to keep it quiet.
I go along with it
because I know at the end of the day,
our parents are just as scared and confused as we are
about everything.
Yeah, I never really thought about mine like that.
Maybe you should.
Here, give me your hand.
- What? - Hmm.
- (CHUCKLES) - Hold still.
What are you drawing?
You'll see.
That's the Tau Cross.
It's the symbol of Saint Francis of Assisi,
the patron of families.
Maybe it'll give you better luck with yours.
You're really amazing, you know that?
Here's a rock.
Oh.
Thank you.
It actually fell from the sky,
so it's kind of like your own personal star.
And you can...
you can make as many wishes as you want.
You know, you're not so bad yourself.
Thank you.
('BLUE MONDAY' BY NEW ORDER)
PAMELA: Hmmm!
Hi, Ricky.
Hello, gorgeous.
(SNIFFS DEEPLY)
Oh, I'm so happy you came to see me.
Doctor's in the house.
Oh, fun, role playing.
- I'm your new gynecologist. - (LAUGHS)
I like it. I like to role play.
I'm here to check your ovaries.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, you're not Ricky!
Just breathe.
Ohhhh!
(GASPS)
- Yeah, you like that? - (GRUNTS)
Squeeze 'em! (GASPS) Squeeze 'em tighter.
- Mmm! Mmm! - Harder! Harder!
Squeeze 'em hard. Like they're small... Filipino children.
Squeeze 'em! Yeah.
- (SCREAMS) - Ohh!
You pervert!
(HORN HONKS)
- ('BLUE MONDAY' CONTINUES) - (ALL GASP)
Which one of you is Rick Stevens?
SONG: ♪ But if it wasn't for your misfortune... ♪
- It's like a 'T'. - A 'T'?
It happens to be my favourite letter.
That's good.
(DOOR OPENS)
What is going on in here, you slutty, slutty little bitch?
- Uh, nothing, Mrs Stevens. - She's not my mother.
She knew that.
I was waiting for you. You never came.
- She's very pretty. - She's obviously on drugs.
Which one of you is Rick Stevens?
What is this bullshit I've been hearing through the grapevine
about you claiming you're the top crime family in town?
- You're in a crime family? - You're in a crime family?
And what do you think you're doing
operating a strip joint on our territory?
- Your territory? Who are you? - The Malinauskas family.
Shit. Malinauskas.
Like any respectable organisation,
we have our ears in the police force.
And they tell us there's this Joseph Stevens
trying to hedge in on our business.
The problem is I never even heard of him.
So you know what I think?
I think you're nobody at all.
(WHISPERS) He's nobody.
(TENSE MUSIC BUILDS)
You're right. I'm a nobody.
And, uh, my father is really a nobody.
And Mantas Bartuska
wasn't found shot to death in my mother's trunk.
You're saying your father made big body?
I'm not saying anything.
I'm not saying my father offed 152 people in Jersey.
And I'm definitely not saying
we're in the witness protection program.
So you're in a crime family and the witness protection program?
And you're having relations with a woman this old?
Old? That is so mean.
I can't believe I almost kissed you.
- Whore! Come back! - Nina.
- Please wait. - Not so fast.
I wanna have a little conversation with your father.
Later.
Nina, Nina, Nina! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You are not the type of person
I wish to associate with, Rick Stevens.
- Can't you just let me... - So, you're Rick, huh?
- Yes. - Karlis has a message for you.
He said tomorrow's Arbor Day,
so unless you plough that chick by midnight,
you better have the 1,000 bucks you owe him
or else he's gonna be really fucking mad.
You bet that you would 'plough' somebody?
No...
Who else were you planning on sleeping with?
You!
I mean, you.
You... ass face!
- Oh! - Jeez...
You OK, buddy?
(PEOPLE CLAMOUR)
Ho! I was just a guest at a party.
I want to talk to my lawyer. Annette Stratton-Osborne.
REPORTER: Mr Stevens! Mr Stevens!
Officer, there's been a huge misunderstanding.
- A misunderstanding? - Make some room here.
- Right. You're coming downtown. - Just calm down, kids.
- What are you doing? - Ma'am, keep your panties on.
Nina, Nina...
Mr Stevens, Brian Savage, Channel 9, 'Eyewitness News'.
Mr Stevens, is it true the melee here tonight
is the result of crime family rivalries?
I'm Tina Johnson, investigative reporter with Channel 5.
Mr Stevens, I would love to get an exclusive interview.
I promise I will make it extremely worth your while.
- Whore! - (WOMEN EXCLAIM AND SHRIEK)
- I love you! I love you! - He's mine!
Alright, calm down! Everybody, you have to...
RICK: OK, I know this is bad, but... again.
Again. Again.
Can we get the patrol here, please?
TINA: Little jackass!
BRIAN: Hey, cunt, thanks for stealing my story.
Kristen, you're gonna get arrested.
Hey, cock cop,
this is for stealing Nina.
Oh, shit.
TINA: You fucking Oompa-Loompa.
- You stole my story! - (GROWLS)
Now there's going to be a quid pro quo.
- That's live. - Everybody freeze! (FIRES)
- (SCREAMS) - (THUD!)
This is pretty.
We're gonna need some backup.
I'm gonna trust you with this. This is a Timex there.
I'm gluten-free, so I can't... (SOBS)
I can't have any bread unless it's, like, a rice flour.
- Principal Poole? - Rick.
Officer, I got an alibi right here.
Tell them I didn't know anything about the camera in the girls locker room.
I've never seen this man before in my life.
We had a deal.
I want to talk to my lawyer, Annette Stratton-Osborne.
OFFICER: Come on, Pee-wee.
Hi, Jimmy.
Number one, did you know that Billy's mom
shaves her beef curtains?
- I did know that. - Number two.
Some trash bag cop planted a couple of grams of coke on me.
You believe that shit?
I find that very hard to believe.
I can't be in here.
My face, this bod... You've seen my ass.
Three, I need you to contact my attorney.
Beautiful tits, Annette St...
Stratton-Osborne, got it.
Kristen, Kristen, don't cry.
I used the lap-dancing money to bail you out...
you'll be free within the hour.
I have a criminal record.
Lots of people have criminal records.
Stanford is going to rescind my acceptance.
That was my last shot.
- I'll figure something out, OK? - Great, great.
KEVIN: You motherfucker!
Get the fuck over here! Get the fuck over here!
- I swear to God... - It was good seeing you.
- Good to see you too, fuckhead. - Yeah, great, yeah.
KEVIN: Fuck!
(BILLY WHIMPERS)
- Billy, hey, Billy. - Huh? Oh! Oh! Rick.
Sorry to wake you. This is crazy, huh?
They got me on a pandering rap.
I don't even know what 'pandering' means.
Look, you gotta use the money that I collected at the party
to bail me out, OK?
There's none left.
- What do you mean? - There's no money left.
We collected a whole shoebox full of money.
- I had to bail my sister out. - What about me?
I figured your mom could bail you out.
- My mom's in jail, Rick. - Didn't even think about that.
Well, at least this nice man
offered to give me a cavity search,
which would save me a trip to the dentist.
You know how much I hate the dentist.
Oh, God, Billy, stay strong.
Hi.
Have you got in touch with your parents yet?
They're in Dallas for the Pro-life Gun Expo.
Is there anything I can do?
Yeah, you can...
go eff yourself.
I liked you,
despite the fact that you don't have your future planned out.
Despite the fact that your socks never match.
Despite the fact that your ringtone
is 'Nigga What, Nigga Who.'
It's my favourite song.
I liked you because I thought that you were different.
And clearly I was wrong.
No, Nina, I am different. When I'm with you, I'm different.
It's just everyone around me keeps messing me up, you know?
And I'm in this... Like the bet, that wasn't even my idea.
Will you grow up?
Take responsibility for your actions
and accept that some things are 100% your fault.
Like the fact that I never want to see you again.
Nina...
- Nina, I'm sorry. - Will you go?
OK. Look, I...
Never mind.
('ONLY YOU' BY YAZ)
SONG: ♪ Looking from the window above
♪ It's like a story of love
♪ Can you hear me?
♪ Listen to the words that you say
♪ It's getting harder to stay
♪ When I see you... ♪ Put that...
♪ All I needed was the love you gave
♪ All I needed for another day
- ♪ And all I ever knew - ♪ All I ever knew
♪ Only you... ♪
The cops arrested Dad
because you told them that he was a Lithuanian mob kingpin.
STEVEN: Mom's on her way back from rehab and she is pissed.
(PHONE RINGS)
Ugh! It's my turn.
- This is Kristen Stevens. - (MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
No, I'm the Godfather's daughter.
I'll sell you my exclusive story,
but not for a cent under 1,500.
- (GASPS) - OK, thank you.
You just sold your story for $1,500?
This time. I've already sold it for 1,000 and 1,200.
- You don't even have a story. - You don't know that.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Ugh! It's my turn, twat!
If it wasn't for me, Dad wouldn't have been arrested.
Stevens Crime Syndicate.
Why are you answering the phone like that?
- Hey, Dad. - Don't you "Hey, Dad" me.
Do you have any idea what I've been through?
I lost my job. I spent the night in a Lithuanian jail.
I woke up to someone masturbating in my face!
And I have crabs!
- Did you break omerta? - Cut the crap, you shithead.
I think I know where all these mafia rumours started
and you are in serious trouble, young man.
Psshhht! You're breaking up. You're breaking up. Psshhht!
- I'm at a payphone, you fuck! - Going through a tunnel. Psht!
Don't you dare...
- Dad says hi, by the way. - (SCREAMS)
What the hell...?
What the hell...?!
Crabs. Great.
Buenos tardes.
Jesus Christ!
Can you use the front door for once?
You're back.
I have no clue what you're saying.
I have a message for you from God.
Stop being such a screw-up.
Oh, and don't lose faith.
That's it? That's all God has to say?
What did you want, the winning lotto numbers?
It's Arbor Day. Game's over, big boy.
Time to pay your debts.
What am I supposed to do? How can I set things right?
Stop thinking with your little head.
You were given two.
She always does that.
Which brings us back to the beginning.
Not there. We already saw all that.
Stop! Now that we're back to where we started,
your guess is as good as mine as to how this fucker ends.
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's been, like, two months since my last confession.
- It's been three years, Rick. - Really?
- Yeah. - Whoa.
Tell me about you sins, child.
- I've lied a few times. - (SCRATCHING)
Why did you lie?
I was trying to win the heart of Nina Pennington,
but it didn't work.
Well, it's not a mortal sin. Anything else?
I had sex a few times.
I'm gonna need names.
Well, first I almost got a blow job
from a stripper down at the club named Cherysh.
That's a venial sin.
Serious nonetheless, but not mortal.
And I've been having sex kind of regularly
with... Mrs Bender.
- Pamela Bender? - Yep.
Keith Bender's wife?
Your best friend Billy Bender's mother?
- That one. - You son of a bitch!
You're the dirty little cocksucker that gave me crabs!
You're excommunicated. Ex-fucking-communicated!
Well, that didn't go as well as I had hoped.
I didn't get the chance to tell Father Krumins
that the source of his crabs
was more likely a crack whore from the Do-Me-Inn.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Ricky. - Mm-hm.
- Did you give me crabs? - I think you gave them to me.
That is so funny.
- (LAUGHS) - (RICKY LAUGHS WEAKLY)
Where's your mother?
Uh, well, she attempted suicide
and the ambulance driver said she's probably dead.
Oh, my God. Are you sure?
She didn't have a drink in her hand.
But she did leave this letter blaming you for everything.
I called her last night?
I must've been much more out of it than I thought.
I feel awful that I hurt my mother
by having sex with you, Mrs Bender,
so I promised God that I wouldn't fuck you anymore
if he spares my mother's life.
Sounded a bit too melodramatic, so I add...
- Do you want a cocktail? - I've gotta get to the jail.
Make sure Billy hasn't been raped or anything.
You didn't get him released yet?
I was tired.
I gotta go down to the hospital, see if my mom's dead yet.
Will you call me as soon as you know anything?
Because if she lives, I'll rent us a room at the Hyatt.
Mrs Bender, I made a promise to God and I...
What would you rather do,
explain to God how you were momentarily weak
or explain to my husband, who owns a store full of guns,
how he caught crabs?
I have to take responsibility for my actions.
If I don't, somebody else might try and kill themselves.
I had no idea that you felt this way, Richard.
- Mrs Bender... - I thought...
I thought that you enjoyed our rendezvous.
I did, probably too much,
but you know how you said that I should try something new?
- Mm-hm. - You were right.
That's what I'm doing.
I'm gonna fix my family.
'Bye, Pamela. Thank you for everything.
- I'll be right next door. - OK. OK.
I have no plans tonight.
What are you doing here?
I was in the cafeteria. They have bitchin' tater tots.
Aw, you look like hell.
It's my fault everything is such a mess.
Nina won't speak to me.
My sister got thrown out of school.
Mom is probably dead.
Looks like we're finally making some progress.
Progress?
For once, you're thinking about somebody other than yourself.
Your mother would be so proud.
Where is she?
She dead, child.
What do you mean, dead?
Her heart stopped beating.
They took her down to the furnace about 20 minutes ago.
But she can't be dead. She's my mom.
Well, everybody gotta go sometime.
I'm sure she knew how much you loved her.
Mothers always know.
I don't think she did.
She'll never know that Kristen got into Stanford
or that Steven was gay.
I'm sure she did know that.
She'll be so pissed that she was cremated.
You feed the dog like I asked?
I'm behind the curtain, stupid.
I heard you're the genius that called 911
instead of letting me die in peace.
Oh, thank God.
Oh! At least you know I'm opprobrious.
Did you bring me any vodka?
Have you cleaned out the mini-bar already, Mom?
Listen, smart-ass, you're gonna insist I hang around and live,
I'm gonna do it on my terms.
Honey, it's gonna take more than that...
Do you know where I could get some of that?
knock me out.
Four Vicodin and a big bottle of Stoli might do it.
I'll be right back.
You know you're messing everything up, right?
- What? - Don't look so surprised.
I go through your trash.
I eavesdrop on your phone conversations.
I know what you're up to.
I'll admit,
the you-fucking-Pam-Bender thing,
it caught me by surprise,
but I know more about you
than you think I do.
But...
Shut up and listen to your mother.
Nothing you've done cannot be undone.
You go, you tell this Nina Pennington how you really feel.
Well, she doesn't want to talk to me.
I don't blame her. I was a douche.
You only get one chance, but... Oh!
What if I blew that chance?
Well, you can't make her forgive you,
but you can do what it takes
to make things right with her.
Don't be like your father... be a man.
It's like the first time we've had a conversation
where you were cognisant.
(SNORES HEAVILY)
- Alright, here we go. - Seriously?
- Wait! Wait. Can we just... - Too late.
Oh, cunt-licking, motherfucking whore-cock!
(LAUGHS)
I totally had you going.
- You're not gonna maim me? - No.
Anyone who can make my douche bag dad sweat
is alright by me.
Oh, thank you so much, Karlis. Thank you.
I was an asshole to make this bet in the first place.
And, oh, you can tell your family
that my dad's not a mob boss... he's just a dick.
Well, I will let my dad think otherwise for a while.
- We're good. - Thank you.
OK, see you.
I know you must be super busy,
so I really appreciate you taking the time to meet with me.
At the rate your family and friends keep going to jail,
you should put me on a permanent retainer.
It would be cheaper.
- Did you go to Stanford? - Best four years of my life.
Mind you, I'm surprised I can still walk
and that I don't have chlamydia.
Hey, what does that red seal on the envelope mean?
If I told you, I'd have to kill you. (LAUGHS)
No, seriously, what you don't know can't hurt me.
Are you gonna be able to get any of those charges dropped?
I take it you kind of like this girl.
A lot, and she wants nothing to do with me.
And seeing as I'm the one that got her in this mess,
I want to get her out.
Alright, I'll do it for 2,000.
$2,000? I don't have that.
How much do you have?
Around $37.
But at least I still have my pinkies.
Pinkies are overrated, unless they're in the stink.
That can be the down payment,
and for the rest, I am looking for a part-time file clerk.
You can work it off, or sell a kidney. I know a guy.
- I guess I choose file clerk. - Welcome to the firm.
Thanks for getting me out.
Well, Billy, you are my best friend
and I do feel somewhat responsible.
Hey, wait, how'd you get the money?
- He's my bitch now. - Oh!
Speaking of bitches, Kevin Carpenter is still in there.
How's he doing?
Let's just say it wasn't a broomstick
that took his butt cherry.
Mom! Hey, it's me!
Hey! Hi!
Were you coming to get me out?
Yes, of course I was, darling.
Who are you? Shouldn't you be wearing a bra?
I'm Rick's attorney,
and his new boss for the next 20 years.
Billy, you could take a lesson from your friend
and get a job yourself.
That's very responsible of you, Richard.
Thanks. OK.
BILLY: 'Bye, Rick. Hey, Mom, can we get Slurpees?
So, make sure to wear your tight jeans on Monday.
Yeah, about that...
What's that?
Just a rather incriminating letter to you
from Father Krumins.
You know, your friend, the head of the Lithuanian mafia.
Are you blackmailing me?
No, I thought you should have it back.
Thanks.
- And let's make it 10 years. - Deal.
See you Monday.
At least 'Jugs' offered me $10,000 for a pictorial.
You're going to hell in a hand basket.
Well, she's going to Stanford first.
What?
My boss is an alumni.
The dean owed her a favour for some reason.
- You're not a dick! - That's my girl.
That's a pretty big closet.
And it's time you came out of it.
What?
Now you can stop being mean to everyone
and just be honest with yourself.
- And start dressing better. - We won't love you any less.
- You knew? - A mother always knows.
Besides, you work out your glutes,
like, five times a week.
- Here. - What's this?
Your divorce papers. All you have to do is sign them.
I don't know. I hate the thought of being alone.
You're not.
- (DOG YAPS) - Oh!
Ohh!
Butch.
Even though you didn't die,
we still remembered to feed the dog.
And you've always got us, Mom.
I need a drink.
SONG: ♪ Oh, Superman
♪ I don't wanna hit the ground I don't wanna hit the ground
♪ I don't wanna hit the ground
♪ Oh, Superman
♪ Oh, Superman... ♪
(HORN HONKS, TYRES SQUEAL)
Damn it, watch where you're walking.
NINA: Are you OK?
(MAGICAL MUSIC)
- Nina, hi. I'm sorry. - Rick...
Before you tell me to go away, just let me tell you one thing.
Look, I know I messed everything up,
I...I have a lot of insecurities
and I do really stupid things sometimes.
Well, a lot of the time.
All I ever wanted was for you to like me,
and think that I was cool... which I'm not.
I let a lot of stuff get in the way of the fact that...
I really like you so much.
Rick...
I do think that you're cool.
You do?
You're right, though... you are a complete idiot.
But I like you.
And I heard what you said to your family
and I thought that it showed a lot of character.
Well, I like to help people.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Actually I do. It's not even bullshit.
It really does... it does feel good.
Then I guess we have a lot more in common than I thought.
Go for it.
♪ I don't wanna hit the ground
♪ Oh, Superman Oh, Superman
♪ I don't wanna hit the ground
♪ I don't wanna hit the ground... ♪
RICK: And we all lived happily ever after.
Well, some more than others.
ANNOUNCER: Annette Stratton-Osborne welcomes you
to the grand re-opening of Pomme-teri,
where the men are hot and everything's legal.
- I'm gay! - I gathered.
ANNOUNCER: Alright, ladies, next up we have a new guy.
- (ALL CHEER) - Please give it up for Sparky!
Whoo! He's young, but he's legal.
Sparky likes long walks on the beach and kittens.
You're Principal Poole's secretary.
And a finger up his ass.
- WOMAN: Show us some cock! - No, no, no.
Oh, no, baby, get back there.
(WOMEN CHANT) Sparky! Sparky! Sparky!
- Not with the plunger. - Sparky! Sparky! Sparky!
Oh, Billy Bender!
Mom? What are you doing here?
I, uh, my car... broke down.
- Here's another, Pam. - Oh, thank you so much.
You told me to get a job.
A job where you keep your clothes on. Look at you.
Look at you.
Ladies, I made him do push-ups
every single day for the last seven years.
Huh? Huh?
Ma'am, you're gonna have to sit down.
- Young man, is that a boner? - Oh!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
My mom... A boner...
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna be so grounded.
Mom?
I'm not your mother. I am a saint.
And you, my dear, have been a very naughty little boy.
- If it's about the stripping... - No.
No, I'm more concerned with those library books.
They're very late
and you're never gonna get those pages unstuck.
Ohhh!
- Billy Bender! - (SHRIEKS)
(VOMITS)
SONG: ♪ Headed for the open door
♪ Tell me what you're waiting for
♪ Look across the great divide
♪ Soon they're gonna hear the sound, the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
♪ Never go where we belong
♪ Echoes in the dead of night
♪ Soon they're gonna know the sound, the sound, the sound
- ♪ When we come running - ♪ Whoa-oh
♪ Oh-oh-oh
♪ Whoa-oh, oh-oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh-oh
♪ The sound, the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
♪ Never go where we belong
♪ Echoes in the dead of night
♪ Soon they're gonna know the sound, the sound, the sound
- ♪ When we come running - ♪ Whoa-oh, oh-oh-oh... ♪
DIRECTOR: Scene 67, take one.
- WOMAN: Mark. - (CLAPPERBOARD SNAPS)
OK, we found the body of Mantas Barukas.
Is that the right way to say it?
MEN: Bartuska.
Mantas Bartuskas... Bartukas... Bartukas...
How did the body of Mant... Bartukas...
I know you have something to give to me that you want to,
but right now you're in fear.
I think you're in fear.
Oh, you do? Think I'm in fear? You think I'm in fear?
(CHAIR CLATTERS)
That's where you belong, right on your fucking ass!
I said the body of Mantas Bartukas...
Mantas Bartuskas...
Mr Bartukas... Mantas Barukas...
How did Mantas Bartuskus's body
end up in the trunk of your mother's car?
- What? - Clearly you didn't kill him.
I mean, just looking at you, if you sneezed,
you would blow your balls out of your scrotum.
- That's mean. - It's not mean.
It's a way to get a sex change without trying.
DIRECTOR: And cut.
♪ A dirty face of gold
♪ Behind that crooked line
♪ Where you never knew you'd go
♪ Headed for the open door
♪ Tell me what you're waiting for
♪ Look across the great divide
♪ Soon they're gonna hear the sound, the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
♪ Never go where we belong
♪ Echoes in the dead of night
♪ Soon they're gonna know the sound, the sound, the sound
- ♪ When we come running - ♪ Whoa-oh
♪ Oh-oh-oh
♪ Whoa-oh, oh-oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh-oh
♪ The sound, the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
- ♪ When the world's gone quiet - ♪ Whoa-oh
- ♪ I see you dancing slow - ♪ Whoa-oh
♪ Feelin' satisfied where you never knew you'd go
♪ Headed for the open door
♪ Tell me what you're waiting for
♪ Look across the great divide
♪ Soon they're gonna hear the sound, the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
♪ Never go where we belong
♪ Echoes in the dead of night
♪ Soon they're gonna know the sound, the sound, the sound
- ♪ When we come running - ♪ Whoa-oh
♪ Oh-oh-oh
♪ Whoa-oh, oh-oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh-oh
♪ The sound, the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
♪ Days go by
♪ Feeling broken down
- ♪ Remember - ♪ Whoa-oh
- ♪ Always remember - ♪ Whoa-oh
♪ The sound, the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
♪ The sound, the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
- ♪ Headed for the open door ♪ Whoa-oh
♪ Tell me what you're waiting for
♪ Look across the great divide
♪ Soon they're gonna hear the sound, the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
♪ The sound, the sound, the sound
- ♪ When we come running - ♪ Whoa-oh, oh-oh-oh
♪ The sound, the sound, the sound
- ♪ When we come running - ♪ Whoa-oh, whoa-oh-oh
♪ Whoa-oh, whoa-oh-oh... ♪ (DOG BARKS)