- ( Jazz music playing ) - ( keyboard clicking )
Computer: hello, Wyatt.
I have a few questions before we complete your profile.
Okay.
Boxers or briefs?
Boxers?
Is your ass hairy?
Well, it's not.
I don't shave my ass if that's what you mean.
One last question:
Would you rather bang a guy or get banged by a guy?
What? I'm not answering that!
So banged in the ass!
I must be hearing things.
( Rock music playing )
* yeah, the summer sun's gone
* so what do I do?
* tryin' to move on, i found someone new *
* but it's not you, no, it's not you *
* and misery lives down memory Lane *
* when I go down the road, always feel the same *
* 'cause I miss you, yeah, I miss you *
* to be without you would be pain defined *
* and she might
* still have the magic in her eyes *
* the magic
* she might
* still have the magic in her eyes *
* the magic
* in her eyes
* sitting in the room under candlelight *
* thinking you will never find your Mr. right *
* but it's not true, no, it's not true *
* and you can be my Princess, I'll be your knight *
* my armor might be dirty, but my love still shines *
* yes, it shines through, yeah, it still shines through *
* to be with you is happiness defined *
* and she might
* still have the magic in her eyes *
* the magic
* she might
* still have the magic in her eyes. *
wipe it off. So dirty.
Oh, so dirty. Wipe it.
Oh oh. Slow down.
Oh oh oh yeah.
Oh, too much for me to handle.
I just... ( Muttering )
Okay, oh yes. I'm open for a little negotiating.
Ready for this? This is what we've been training for, buddy.
Ready? here we go, buddy.
( Slobbering )
- ( Whistle blasts ) - ( shrieks )
( Stammers )
You pack up that little thumbtack of yours
- and haul it on out of here before I snap it off! - ( Whimpers )
Wyatt: this whole miniature golf course is calling our names.
Let's finish off this hole so I can whup your ass!
Oh, you wanna bet?
Hey, it was my turn anyway! See, that's what you get.
I'm gonna bounce you out. Oh, look at me, I just gave it to you.
I still give you the game, just like when you were little!
You need to find a nice girl. Maybe that'll cook for you
and stop eating all that fast food, okay?
You know I go on a lot of nice dates,
but-- I don't know. We're having a party tonight
and maybe I'll meet the one.
What do you want? You're almost 30 years old, Wyatt.
You need to find yourself a girl.
There's a reason why somebody's not married by the time they're 30 years old.
- Yeah? why's that? - Because they're fucking nuts!
You don't want to be 40 and fat and bald and not have somebody.
I mean, hey, everybody wants to get some,
but, you know-- not everybody can be Van halen, you know.
Huh? Van halen?
Yeah, guys that get some.
No, they're all rock stars and all bald by now, okay?
They're not getting any at all, so there.
They may be bald, but they've got bigger dicks than me.
Yes, I know. I've changed your diapers, okay?
- I know what it's like-- - oh ho ho!
- I'm sorry, sweetheart. I know you're not blessed. - Grandma!
- You are not gifted, okay? - Wow.
( Rock music playing )
* it's hard to believe that... *
- hey. - whassup, girl?
Are you the guy with the stuff?
Ha, no. I am not.
There's a guy upstairs-- Asian guy.
He's got the stuff you're probably looking for.
- Okay. - feel free to look around, check it out.
- Cool, thanks. - Do it.
Do it.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Big time, man. - The party's a little out of control, man.
Dude, what are you worried about? Look at this.
They're chilling, they're all having a good time. It's a party.
- You know what a party is, right? - I do.
Don't worry about it. I got your house unlocked.
We're good. We're good. I'll be back.
That scares me the most.
Hi, is this your house?
- Yeah. - you want to show me around?
- Uh... - hey, ange, leave him alone, okay?
You can't have every guy.
We'll see about that.
Okay, bye-bye.
Hey, Angie, go find Kevin.
He's the, uh,
dirty Asian guy.
- Your friend is a lucky man. - Really?
* you gotta do this to me
* after all is said and done
* can we go back to where we've begun? *
- hey! - hey-yyy.
- Hi. - hi.
- Are you Kevin? - Well, if you're asking
for the double-wide over there, then no, I'm Jason.
I'm the one who's asking.
Well, then you found me.
You're kinda cute.
Thanks. you know I exfoliate
and drink a lot of water-- what do you mean kinda?
How about you show me around your house?
And what about you?
Hmm, I'm sorry. I have morals.
That's good, because I was just about to give up on your kind.
Oh, off to the dark side, are we?
"Dark side." ( Chuckles ) now that's funny.
I always get the worm,
in more ways than one.
I-- i--
( moans )
Are you gonna offer me some of that drink?
Yeah, I'm-- shit, I'm sorry. I'm not a very good host.
Yeah, it totally confused me, because normally gay guys are great hosts.
( Grunts )
( Moaning )
- Let's play a game. - Okay okay.
First one to scream takes a bodyshot.
Uh, okay.
- Ow-www! - ( laughs )
- Here's one. - That was a--
okay, I guess it is my turn, huh?
Uh-huh. suck it up, stud.
- Can I have that-- - yeah yeah.
- ( Both laugh ) - what the fuck?
- How about another one? - I don't like this game.
- Go on! - Well, I guess it's not that bad.
- The game is-- ( moans ) - oh yeah.
( Spits, coughs )
- Ugh! - ( gibbers )
Oh fuck!
What, you can't hold your liquor, you pussy?
What? I wish your face was your pussy.
Uh-huh.
I want you inside me.
I don't have a condom.
I don't care, go in me.
Okay. ( grunting )
That's-- this-- oh.
- That's the ticket. - Ow. Where are you?
- You're not inside me. - ( Tires screech )
- What are you fucking? - Uh, it's these sheets.
They must be like a nice 1,000-thread count.
I mean, it felt good.
I'm taking over.
Oh, okay.
- Oh yeah? - Baby, I like it. ( Grunts )
Oh yeah? How about this?
( Moans ) much better.
- Is that? - Huh, how do you like that?
You little bitch!
- You like that? - ( Man coughs )
- Dude-- - ( laughs )
- Dude? - what's up, fuckers?
Has this stoner been in here the entire time?
Hey, man, can I get in on some of this?
Dude, what the hell are you doing here?
My mom had blonde hair too, just like yours.
In fact my dad was Asian too, I think.
( Laughs )
Are you a real blonde?
Get the hell out of here!
All right, all right, chill out.
All right, so, uh...
Hey, forget it.
Hey, I love you assholes. Remember that, all right?
* you need a beat? Catch me in the hood *
* see me in the street, i got what you want *
* I got what you need, I'm in the black Lexus... *
Kevin: oh my god, get it off me!
Oh my god!
Dude, what the fuck do you have all over you?
- And what's that smell? - Dude, I was fucking that chick--
thank you, by the way. She's awesome.
And we were going at it so good and I was fucking her reverse cowboy, right?
Like she was turned around, her ass facing you.
Yeah, I know what the reverse cowboy is, Kevin!
All right, well, anyway, i must have been doing her so good
because all I remember is she was screaming
and I looked down...
Dude, it's everywhere!
- In my bed?! - And all over me. It's everywhere!
It's everywhere. ( Sobs )
Oh, are you just gonna stay in bed all day?
Or are you gonna do something productive?
Gimme a break. I didn't get home from the bar until 4:00 in the morning.
Yeah, I know.
But I think that if you just wake up a little earlier,
- you might get more stuff done. - Yeah, and do what?
Let's see, clean the pool, fix the barbecue!
I am having a bachelorette party here this weekend.
I'm up now. Are you happy?
Why do you always have to wait till the last minute
to do everything?
Okay, I'll do it now.
But we have to have a little fun time first.
( Chuckles ) yeah?
Come on, we haven't touched each other in a month.
So Jack off! No one's stopping you.
- No kiss bye? - Mm-hmm.
Love you.
Wyatt: thanks for coming.
You've always been there for me.
( Woman groans ) of course.
- Wyatt: you know you're my best friend. - I know.
- You have it? - Oh yeah!
- Ta-da! - nice box.
She definitely would have found that.
Yeah, that would have been funny.
Wyatt, this is a huge step.
It's big.
Yeah, I know, but--
I mean, it sounds like you don't like the idea.
No no, it's not that. She's great.
- Well then what? - I'm not going to be able to make it to dinner tonight.
Yes, you will. Just bring your dickhead boyfriend.
- Hey! - all right, but seriously though,
I need you more than ever, so I really need you to be there.
- More than ever, huh? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay. - oh! Did you hear that Kevin got caught
- spanking it, looking at those girls yesterday? - Ugh, yes, I did.
- Kevin! he's such a perv. - ( Laughs )
What an idiot!
( Man singing ) * you make me
* smile
* you make me
* cry
* I like
* you
- * you fool. - Yay!
Thank you, uncle Kenny.
- Oh, you're welcome. - Thank you, uncle Kenny.
That was... Quite entertaining.
You know he
just came back from palm Springs
from the gay and lesbian rally to be here at this dinner.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
You really mean the world to Katie and me.
Oh, Wyatt, that's sweet!
Don't forget to wipe from front to back when you pee.
Shut up, kev, before I wipe you from front to back.
As you all know, Katie and I have been dating for a while.
And although we've had our differences from time to time,
I think that
love brings us through.
When you find someone who can be your true friend,
to love and Cherish,
how else can you go wrong?
It's like the cosmos
almost align and there's like a nuclear reaction.
I have something to say.
( Katie scoffs )
Miss Katie Elizabeth Jones,
will you marry me?
Um...
( Whispers ) wait, Wyatt. Can we talk?
Can't we talk about it right here,
in front of all of our family?
Okay.
I just, um...
( Exhales )
I'm not-- I'm not ready for marriage.
- Kevin: oh shit, I knew this was gonna happen. - Why?
- Woman: shut up, Kevin. - I just--
I'm sorry. I can't do this.
( Kenny sobs )
This is worse than the ending of "beaches."
( Slurring ) now that's fucking funny!
I'm gonna get a drink. Who needs a refill?
Ellen: you're a jerk, Paul. Maybe you should
just skip the refill and go home.
I haven't laughed in years. Are you kidding me?
This is funny. ( Laughs )
Katie, I don't understand.
( Crying ) i can't marry you.
I'm sorry.
Dunbrook and balcrest, please.
Man on TV: Hey, check this out: The amazing girls of Brazil,
one of the erotic centers of the world.
( Cheering )
We have traveled the globe
to bring you the real girls of the world.
- They're life-sized... - Good dog.
You'll never leave me, will you, baby?
Engagement ring?
The exclusive celebration diamond...
Don't do it, you fucking idiot!
- Jared's most exclusive... - Just break your heart.
Come on, girl. Let's get out of here.
Visit us downtown in the heart of Austin.
Moping around isn't gonna help anything, okay?
It's like-- it's like my dad always says:
A setback is a set-up for a great comeback.
- ( Humphs ) - Ellen: It's good!
Yeah, it's good. It's really good, right?
You gotta get back on that horse, right?
And do some mounting of your own, man.
Stick it in some random chick's ass. They love that shit.
If she's super freaky, dude,
she will lick that shit right off.
But if she does, I'm telling you, do not
kiss her afterwards.
Dude, what is with you and anal?
And do you really think your freaky sex bullshit is helping the situation?
- I think what he needs-- - alone time
is what I need.
No anal, no hot lunches in my mouth,
no nothing!
Got it? Got it?
- Yes, fine. - Okay.
Whatever, dude. We just want to see you happy again, all right?
- That's it. - Really we miss you.
- We miss the old Wyatt. - The old me?
Yes! the one who's larger than life, man.
Yeah. and, you know,
when the time's right, you'll meet the one.
My confidence is gone.
Well, figure it out, man, because you look like a pile of shit.
Okay, waffles for miss cutie pie.
Cherry pie and waffles for Mr. sad eyes.
Thank you.
Scrambled eggs and sausage for master panda bear.
Mm-hmm, you know!
- ( Laughs ) - thank you.
You're welcome, sugar.
You sure look cute today.
Oh, thanks. It's a new shirt.
Boy, oh boy, if I wasn't married, I'd take you home
and lick your bamboo stick till it fell off.
- Whoa! - ( giggles )
With the sweet potato pie in your ass...
Eating good for a week.
So, dude, you booked an Elvis commercial, man!
- Come on. - An enema commercial
with Elvis impersonator.
Bam! and then it's gonna be a national commercial
and you will get paid like that chick.
- Right? flo from the progressive commercials. - Right.
- And I'm telling you, that girl makes bank. - She's loaded.
Never have to worry about it again. Besides,
Elvis is always cool, right? Anytime,
anywhere, whomever, how he got it.
Okay, but once again: Elvis impersonator,
okay? enema commercial
equals ridiculous.
I think it's pretty cool i think you're gonna love it.
Well, you know what? I gotta go.
No! sit down.
We're not done, okay?
What do you want from me?
We want you to get over it, okay?
We're sick of you playing the "victim." You need to move on.
- You know what they say? - Hmm?
When you love someone, let them go.
- And then if they come back... - Both: Then you know!
Then you know, you know?
You know what? If you guys believe that shit,
- you're retarded. - Come on.
We're just trying to cheer you up, okay?
I love you all. See you later.
Don't be a baby. You better kill that tomorrow.
- ( Chattering ) - ( man coughs )
Say, chief, think I could get a diet coke?
( Muttering softly )
( Woman laughs )
Hey, look,
if you don't mind me asking,
you seem like you're a little down in the mouth.
No.
- It's just, uh-- - what is it? Come on.
Come on, you can talk to me. I got you covered, Sancho.
I don't know, man, this is weird.
You know what's weird?
A man who's got sadness in his heart
and ain't got no friends to cut the track with?
That's weird.
Okay.
My girlfriend left me when I proposed to her.
In front of everyone.
I'm kneeling down with the ring in my hand
and she just leaves.
That's a bitch, man.
That's it? "That's a bitch, man"?
That's all you've got to say?
Well, what you want me to say?
Hey, dad, i got something for you.
- Oh yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Let's see it.
( Clears throat )
( Spits )
( Reverb ) * oh, my name is Wyatt
* and I'm a sissy simpering boy *
* my girlfriend left me
* all those months ago
* ain't nothing to do about it *
* except cry like the rain
* don't want to talk to nobody *
* 'cause I like the pai-iiin
* ahhh. ( Laughs )
- That's all you got? - That was it, baby.
All right.
( Reverb ) * I'm not Elvis, I'm a fraud and a loser *
* who assumes the identity of an aging Vegas act *
* silly sassy boy who ain't good *
* at nothing at all
* who's been acting after all these years *
* and still hasn't done Jack shit *
* fat-ass Elvis, drugged up, can't-take-a-shit Elvis *
* wearing a jacket that his mama made him *
* my mama didn't make it, it's an original *
* you little Mark Wahlberg wannabe *
* ain't got no car, drive a pinto to set *
* I drive a Cadillac, you little whiny brat *
* who probably takes dick in the Walmart alley too-- *
what the hell's going on? We're trying to set up a shot here.
- I need to replace you two? - Sorry.
- No, no sir. - All right, then shut the fuck up.
I'm sorry, man.
It's all right, man. Me too. Me too.
I didn't mean that about your suit. It looks real nice.
I appreciate that. I didn't mean nothing about the Walmart crack either.
So the director wants you two on set in an hour.
So we're gonna be quick.
Hey, Wyatt.
I didn't know you got cast in this commercial.
What's up, Angie? What are you doing here? Makeup, huh?
Well yeah, I've gotta get a couple extra bucks.
- I'm gonna hightail my ass to Vegas, so. - Wyatt: Yeah?
For work or for pleasure?
Oh...
You don't know.
- Know what? - Katie moved back home.
No, I didn't know that.
How is she doing?
She's getting married.
A week after she got back, she met someone.
What happened to "she wasn't ready"? I mean,
when's the wedding?
- In 37 hours. - ( Cellphone ringing )
Hey, I've gotta take this.
But if you need to talk,
I'll be back in a couple minutes, okay?
Oh my god!
Come here. I know how you feel.
I really do.
I just wanted to tell you, man,
yours truly,
I've been kicked down a couple notches by love.
Believe me, man, I've been kicked down
from tupelo to Memphis.
Well, great. That's you and your shit
and this is me and my shit.
And just because you got shit doesn't mean my shit's better.
I still got shit!
Wyatt, listen.
( Stammers ) you know those rare times
when you find someone-- that special someone--
and that someone special finds you,
and you're both drawn to each other
and you get closer and closer and you're like--
- like a set of magnets? - Yeah, it's called attraction.
Exactly, except
this ain't the good kind.
Huh-uh. it's the bad kind.
It's the unsexy kind.
- You know what I mean? - No.
Sometimes the ugly thing in you
is attracted to
the ugly thing in someone else.
It's like you got this little asshole living inside you.
Mm-hmm, and-- and-- and that little asshole
is just yearning to get up out of you.
And she's got that little asshole inside of her.
And then these two assholes, they come together.
These two assholes come out and they shake hands, man.
They kind of give each other a little wink.
- Winking assholes? - That's right.
Okay well, thanks for that. That's great.
See, Wyatt,
what you see in her
is the same thing that-- that-- that's busted
inside of you.
Okay? and if you truly--
if you truly love that little girl,
you know what you're gonna do?
You're gonna get yourself a cork, man.
( Pops )
You're gonna plug up them winking assholes.
So you're saying i should go get her?
Now you're talking, Jackson.
Let me tell you something.
We get one go-around in this world, Wyatt.
- Okay? - right.
- If it was me, I'd want some goddamn answers. - Mm-hmm.
Right? as opposed to sitting around here bellyaching
like some little pansy-ass pussy.
Yeah, so I'm gonna go to Vegas and win her back.
Now you're talking, daddy-o. Now you're talking.
Hey, guys, so what's going on?
I'm gonna go plug some assholes!
Are you sure he said to bring something nice to wear?
- Like we're going to a wedding? - That's what he said.
The only girl he should marry is you.
- ( Scoffs ) - I've been telling him this
- ever since you grew boobies. - Never gonna happen.
Well, if all you want is friendship,
then I'm as straight as 6:00.
Cheese and rice.
- Tell me we're not hauling ass all the way to Vegas... - No!
...to watch him marry this white-trash Barbie?
I mean i knew he was desperate, but this is ridiculous!
There's no way Wyatt's getting married.
( Skeptical laughter )
No no no no no.
I'm not going. Wherever she's going, I'm not going
- if she's going. - Relax.
- She's going and so are you. - Don't touch my bag!
Do you remember our little fiasco?
What are you guys talking about?
No no, you don't need to know. Nobody--
don't ask, don't tell.
It's fine. I didn't feel anything anyways.
You can deal with each other for two days.
- Whatever. - fine.
- If you stay on your side of the r.V. - Done.
Guys, Katie's getting married in 27 hours,
and we have to stop it. So let's pull it together and get going, huh?
We're going a road trip, huh? What are we waiting for?
Let's load up. Come on.
Okay, I guess.
Love you.
Oh oh.
Wow.
- Dude-- yeah. - Nice.
It totally reminds me of an '80s porno set.
You know, this couch is really comfortable.
You wouldn't think so, but it is.
Oh, we had some hot nights in this r.V.
Friggin' bananas.
No, I'm serious.
Oooh. ( laughs )
I mean-- I mean there was lots of bananas in here
and we weren't going to no gorilla farm,
if you know what I'm talking about.
* let's get this cock wagon rolling! *
hmm?
Uncle Kenny, when was the last time you drove this thing?
- It does run, right? - Don't be silly.
Of course. Let's see, it was Chicago,
the great lesbian luncheon of 2006.
- Five years ago? - Yeah.
- ( Chuckles ) - but it is gonna start, right?
Don't be silly.
( Engine sputters )
- Why, that's funny. - ( Wyatt sighs )
My god! I'm going to miss the wedding.
- I'm in the wedding. - You are not gonna miss the wedding!
It's probably the stupid battery or something.
We'll just open that little engine thingy
and jump it.
- ( Chittering ) - Kenny: What the fuck?
Kevin: oh, what the fuck was that?
Wyatt: Jesus.
Oh my god, we're gonna get the rabies.
Okay, ideas? Who's got one?
I vote we take a frigging plane.
I'm trying to remember--
what year was it we gave the whores the vote?
- Oh, fuck you. - Kevin.
- Not helping, dude. - Rotten sack!
I know who to call.
- All: who? - It's this guy I used to date.
Skeeter.
Hey, skeet,
how are you, my little sugar lumpy?
( Moans )
Come here, you little son of a bitch.
( Chittering )
- Easy, hey! - ( Hissing )
Get-- you goddamn bitch. Get in, come here.
( Muttering )
Ow! get it out!
Kenny: dear dear.
Get in there. Hey, there you go!
- ( Shrieks ) - get in there.
Easy there, there you go. That's it.
Whoo, how you like that?
Whoo!
Whew.
Well, you are up and running.
- Whoa! - this little son of a bitch
just did not want to give up the fight.
Usually I can get in there
and wear them down a little bit and then they just don't fight at all.
Pfft! not this one!
He even look like he done grown up into the engine.
He-- he looked like that scene from "the fly"
when he has that pod sticking out of the side of him like that.
( Snickers ) he just looked like a fucking brundlecoon,
all wrapped up in the hoses and wires and shit.
- I never seen it. - Thanks for coming over, skeeto!
Well, you called me, i was like "wha-aaaat?
I can't believe he called me."
But I didn't know whether to shit or go blind,
so I just closed one eye and farted.
- ( Laughs ) - so... ( Snorts )
What say you and me put some pizza rolls on the heater
and see if we can't find ourselves at the bottom of a bottle of moonshine?
- Sounds divine. - It's a date then!
Make sure you get your sweet ass
back home safe and sound from las Vegas.
I just jumped me the r.V. I'm figure on jumping on something else.
All right then,
well, I gotta get going. I know some japs
who want to make a noodle salad
outta this here little troublemaker.
- That is disgusting. - All right then.
I'll see you later. It's a date.
* she says she's coming down tonight *
* needs a place to crash in town tonight *
* wants to know exactly how I feel *
* I mumble underneath my breath... *
this is so much fun! I love road trips.
Me too! Let's sing some show tunes, huh?
Yes yes, let's sing show tunes. Show tunes show tunes!
( Lisping ) oh my god, i know one too!
It goes: * gay gay gay gay gay.
For fuck's sake, kev. Don't be such a 'phobe, huh?
- Angie: yeah, Kevin. - What? I just don't want
to hear fucking show tunes all night.
So you think this is a mistake?
- Chasing her? - Wyatt: Yeah.
- Ellen: I can't really say. - Wyatt: Why not?
Well, Wyatt, I'm your friend.
- I would even say you're my best friend. - Yeah, I'd say that too.
And we've been close for so long,
but I can't tell you what to do here.
I mean, I can't take that responsibility.
I won't put that on myself if it goes the other way
- and I don't think you'd want me to. - No, I...
You know, it's just-- i don't know.
I have so many questions. Like, what is it about me that made her leave?
I mean, what if it's a sign?
What if she leaves again? I don't think I could bear that.
Do you love her?
Yeah. I mean, I'm miserable without her.
You invested a lot of yourself in her.
I mean, all this has to go right or it's just a big waste of time.
But do you think that equals love?
Or do you think that's just missing something, you know?
So you're saying this is a big waste of time?
Never said that, Wyatt. I just want you to be sure.
I don't want you to get hurt again.
Yeah, man, I think Ellen's right, you know?
I don't think anybody wants you to get hurt again.
Right? because when you are, you act like a fucking bitch
and I don't know how much more of it I can take.
Okay? so what we're gonna do-- this is the plan:
You're gonna go punch the groom in the dick,
take her back, quit being a douche, act normal,
and then you're gonna knock her up and squeeze out a bunch of other little douches.
- Wyatt: fucking a! - Right?
Because I'll be damned if I'm gonna ride in this box
with the frigging show-tunes twins here,
featuring Bob the knob and loosey bowels,
and a cheap-ass episode of "dr. Phil" going on back here.
So what do you want?
- A fucking beer! - I can make that happen.
- Holla! - that's nothing.
Get it.
Uncle Kenny, can we please get Kevin some beer?
Because he's gonna drive me crazy and this is gonna be
- a really long trip without it. - Yeah, sure.
Kevin: excellent.
Bathrooms?
Yeah, right over there to the left.
- I gotta pay a visit. - Yes, thank you for sharing.
What's it gonna be, my friends?
We will take three six-packs of bud
and a coke and a water for my gay little friend right here.
- You're a douche. - Mm-hmm.
Coconut water, got electrolytes,
good for the kidneys.
- Three six-pack of beer. - Ohhh.
That was fast. Ready * to go.
The bathrooms in here are atrocious.
There was something slippery on the handle
and I swear there was a glory hole in the wall.
( Evil cackle )
Gentlemen, 52.55.
- Damn! - what?
- That's a little steep, isn't it? - Pesos or dollars?
( Tires squeal, siren blurts )
- ( Car door slams ) - oh shit!
- Oh shit what? - It's the sarge.
- Sarge like-- - the sarge is coming.
- --Like sergeant? - Sergeant of what?
Oh man. I'd throw my dick in cocaine to get--
- shut the hell up. - Do you see-- I see that, come on.
Marcus, I thought you were gonna close down for a while.
We were, sheriff. I just had these last customers
- and I was-- - lock the doors.
- On it. - Hey.
Oh, I love what you do with that chain.
Go eat a bowl of dicks, you douchewad.
Come on, that was awesome.
I don't know what this is all about,
but you can't just lock us in.
Oh no? Just did, sweetcakes.
What are you gonna do about it?
Well, what do you want me to do?
I'll bet you'd rather be at home with a cup of warm cocoa
curled up in a winnie the pooh snuggie,
reading Oprah's book of the week.
Well, that ain't gonna happen.
You see, we are hunters
and we are here on a mission.
It's supposed to be a secret mission,
but now you faggots are in my mission.
Excuse me?
Well, two regular people and one faggot.
- That's you. - Listen, we just want beer.
That's all.
We all want something, son.
Have you ever seen a man
with a dragon tattoo on his dick?
Well, I have!
My daddy.
He used to ride bicycles naked when he was drunk and on leave.
He'd ride endless circles singing a song
about a man with a dragon in his lap.
What's this all about?
Have you ever heard of a strigoi?
Half zombie, half vampire,
one quarter werewolf?
One and a quarter's not even possible.
Not possible?
Then what do you call the devil beast
we have locked up in the back there right now?
( Roars )
- Wyatt: what was that awful sound? - Kevin: Holy was that?
Settle down.
And we mean to take him out right now.
And I don't mean for dinner.
Then we will come back and deal with you.
You all have to be inspected
and cleansed.
Is that like a sponge bath?
'Cause if so, I'd really like for her--
shut the hell up.
This cleansing could kill you.
But it is the only way.
Winter, to the back.
You've gotta get us out of here, man.
I can't-- the sarge.
- ( Distant yells ) - I'm getting the gist here pretty good.
- Please open the door... - ( Blows falling )
- ...and we'll be outta here like the fucking wind. - ( Glass shatters )
What the high holy was that?
- ( Roaring ) - dude, if you don't let us out of here
right now, I'm going to penetrate your colon so deep
that your shit is gonna have my Nike marks on it.
This is insane. There is no such thing
as a strigoi. Am I on "fear tactics" right now?
Marcus?
My ex-fiancee is getting married in...
17.
...17 hours.
Marrying another guy?
Yeah, hence the "ex" part.
I gotta stop her.
Do you love her?
- Of course I do. - ( Fight continuing )
I was almost married once.
Then you know exactly how I feel.
Yeah. she broke my heart.
Katie broke mine, but you see I have a chance to change that.
But you gotta let me out of here to do that.
- ( Strigoi roars ) - do you think so?
I can do this for the both of us, Marcus.
Oh, to hell with it.
Love needs to win sometimes.
- Yeah! - yes.
Come on, you all get out of here.
- Let's get out of here quick. - ( Roaring )
- Wyatt: what are you doing? - Beer-- we need it.
Kenny: come on, let's get outta here.
- Let's get the hell outta here. - ( Sarge moaning )
- ( Roars ) - what the hell?
( Cocks )
Oh-hhhh shit!
Let's get outta here!
Now that was purely awesome.
Jesus, Becky, nice right hook.
You almost broke my jaw.
Did you have to rip my top open, huh, Alan?
- Fucking asshole. - I was giving them a show.
What's the harm? Besides, you have great tits.
All I'm saying is, like,
what if it's real-- the strigoi?
And there are more of them out there?
It's ridiculous! The world's not coming to an end by strigoi.
There are a lot of things, actually, that happen
that no one has an explanation for.
Someone should have been called is all I'm saying.
Like who? The cops?
I need my bag.
- Kev, would you grab it for me? - ( Groans )
- It's an emergency. - Fine.
- Which one is it? - The pink one.
Obviously.
- Uh, you want me to grab something? - Xanax pronto.
Oka-aaay!
Fucking bong rip, how about one of those, please.
Whoa, what the fuck is this?
- What the fuck is that? - Oh my god!
- Get it out of here! - Kenny: Hey hey hey.
Calm down, everybody, please.
- Let me explain. - Lookit,
it has pubic hair on it ( Laughs )
- ( Screams ) - oh my god!
Kevin, get that out of here!
- No telling where that's been. - I teach classes on how to give the perfect...
( Slurps )
- B.j. - ( spits )
The course is called "slob on the knob
and give a good job."
What? what don't you just use a banana or something?
It's the visual effect.
They learn better if it seems real.
Well, why the fuck would you even need it on this trip anyway?
Well, you never know who's going to need
a Mr. tugglesworth of their own.
And practice makes perfect.
Hey, look at these two. Probably running from the strigoi.
Look like a couple of hippies.
- Dude, pull over. - No, Kevin!
- No hitchhikers! - We can't leave them out there.
I mean they have weed. I know it. I'm positive.
And-- and-- and if anything happens,
I take full responsibility. I will take your blowjob class.
I-- I will do the Bob-my-knob thing. Come on!
Come on, I'll blow Mr. tugglesworth!
Now that I gotta see.
You take full responsibility?
- ( Laughs ) oh yeah. - Whoo!
( Tires screech )
( Couple moaning )
Man: thank you for extracting us
from that derelict and...
- Arenaceous desert floor. - Yes yes yes.
Ahh, and this is my love partner
and traveling companion...
Destiny.
- Dest-- destiny. - Destiny.
Bless your souls for your kindness.
They seem nice.
- I don't know about that. - Yeah right, Kevin.
You guys got any weed?
- Oh, we don't have any weed. - No weed.
- Hello, Mr. tugglesworth.
This is gonna be good.
Sure you guys don't have any weed at all?
- No... - destructive...
Vegetation...
- Awww. - ...In our possessions.
Damn it!
But we do have
the dried gift of the mother.
Oh snap! ( Laughs )
Join us for a blessing?
Hell yeah.
- ( Maracas playing ) - the earth turns
all on a ship of souls.
Come with me. And she rewards us with life.
We suck
from the dusky teat.
Birth, life,
death.
We suck the life of the mother
and taste birth.
- Destiny, anoint him. - Yes, anoint me!
- I'm so ready. - Show him your dark cycle.
- ( Vomits ) - ( groaning )
Baby, there's no rides out here.
Cycle of life, asshole.
Kenny: come on, Wyatt, let's go.
- Take this with you. - ( Screams )
- So lame, so lame! - We're cleansing ourselves of you.
Ellen: Wyatt, don't be so mean.
( Babbling )
( Wyatt laughs ) that dumb bitch on the skateboard.
- She can't even catch up. - ( All laugh )
Cool ritual, bitch.
Naw, man, I don't think it's a sign.
It was a total fluke. You're not a shit magnet.
( Snickering )
- I'm sorry. - It was a really nice ceremony.
I mean she really honored you.
- Awww. - okay okay. Leave him alone.
( Sniffs ) oh dude.
( Blows ) I'm on fucking fire, man.
Yeah, what the fuck are you doing here?
Dude?
- What? - dude!
What?
( Chuckles ) dude!
What-- what?
What?
- Dude? - what?
- What? - ( inhales )
( Gags, coughing )
Again, what are you doing here on the r.V.?
What do you mean what am I doing here? What are you doing here?
What are you, just some kind of fucking ninja Batman or something?
( Chuckles ) fucking ladies wrestling league here or something, man?
Dude, what are you doing here?
I think you dented my fucking beard, man!
( Sighs )
What are you doing here?
You mean prior to being accosted
and having my fucking joint stabbed out on me?
I was using the fucking facilities, man.
You know, the fucking head here?
Dude! oh, dude.
Dude, you're not supposed-- you crapped in the r.V.?
You're not-- no one craps in the r.V., dude!
Hey, man, well, it sure the shit
ain't a fucking reading chair, now is it there, komatsu.
( Laughs )
Not fucking comfortable enough.
- Hey, man. - No no, I don't like it here.
Dude, how did you--
dude felt the pressure.
Release was the option i had, man.
I came here for some quiet time, you know?
Meditate on my colon, you know? Maybe fucking blow a Jay.
Next thing I know, this motherfucker's moving, man.
- But I got-- oh shit. - ( Sizzles )
I gotta tell you though,
as far as r.V. Shitters go,
this has got some fucking space, man.
I fucking like this guy. You know.
I could spend some fucking time in here.
It's got some nice wallpaper and shit, man.
Dude, listen, we can't--
- ( laughs ) - if they find out you're on here,
they're gonna flip, okay? So just lay low and just chill, man.
And we'll figure out a way to get you off.
You know what? I think you're the one who needs to fucking drop a deuce.
Okay.
Look at you, all fucking backed up.
Fucking ninja back up.
I think you need to ninja that shit right out of there, man.
Okay, just chill and be quiet.
Why don't you keep it on the d.L. And have a hit?
Shut up.
Oh well,
I guess I'll have a drink.
I'll drink to that!
( Inhales )
Wow, I'm so stoned.
Hmm.
That really took it out of me.
( Coughing )
Yeah, her too.
You lucky guy.
Wyatt, what's wrong?
I don't know.
Something doesn't feel right.
I think we need to turn around.
No, you were just having a bad dream, that's all.
We're not turning around. You love her, end of story.
Okay? get some rest.
All right.
* a sunny afternoon
* I've been up for hours and I don't know what to do today *
* tomorrow, forever...
You all right, uncle Kenny? You need me to drive?
Oh, I'll be fine. I'm fine.
Nobody drives Ernest but me.
I'll be fine.
All right then. Let me know if you need something.
I will, thanks.
* I want to leave this place and start again *
* I don't want to go back where I began *
* I want to find somewhere I belong *
* I don't want to make this last word *
* without a song
* I should clean this place up *
* grab a shower and shave and go outside... *
* as long as I am by it
* the phone never rings
* I don't know what I'm doing
* but I'm making new friends
- * I know that this ain't working... * - ( tires squeal )
( Rooster crows )
( Eagle shrieks )
Hey, what do you think about that waitress over at Nick's diner?
She sure was something.
Those were some monstrous jugs, weren't they?
Oh yeah, I gave them titties a Pearl necklace last weekend.
Whoo-wee! boy, you give a girl a piece of jewelry, she might let you slip it in her.
No, you dumbass.
I didn't buy her nothing. I shot it on her neck.
- You shot what on her neck? - My fucking spunk!
My essence. My goddamn man-chowder.
( Police radio chatter )
Oh, she let you do that?
Hell yeah, she let me do that!
She was like, "oh, daddy,
goo me up, daddy! Goo me up!"
Then she held her big old jugs up like that
and I sprayed 'em like engine 59.
I even got a little on her lip too.
You oughta try that one.
Shit. Donna would never let me goo up that waitress.
She'd kill me! Huh-uh, huh-uh.
Are you inbred or something?
Donna! give Donna the goo.
* this ain't useful...
How on earth did they ever let you have a gun?
( Siren blurts )
- Son of a bitch. - What the hell was that?
Damned r.V. Hit our car, man.
- ( Radio playing ) - hey, boy.
You want to step out of that vehicle and keep your hands where I can see 'em, please.
Yes sir, officer.
Over there, miss. This way.
Whoa whoa, sir. Over here.
You too. Come on, pops, come on.
Are we still in Texas?
Have you been drinking, son?
No, officer. I must have fallen asleep at the wheel.
We'll just see about that. What about drugs?
- You been doing them drugs, boy? - Kenny: No.
- Nothing. - okay, why don't you just keep your lips sealed
and give me your license and registration?
We'll see if you have any warrants coming back.
You better hope and pray you don't come back with any warrants.
No, officer, I don't have any warrants.
Uncle Kenny, you hit their patrol car?
I changed the music to a country station,
- all of a sudden, kaboom! - Country's like the worst choice!
You should have picked something, like, more upbeat.
- Like green bay? - ( Ellen laughs ) green bay?
- Green day. - Green day, yes yes! Green day would work.
Oh yeah yeah! What if he picked that--
what is that album called again?
"Pukie"? wouldn't that be great, kev?
- ( Groans ) - all I know is I'm driving the rest of the way.
Kenny: like hell you are. Nobody drives Ernest but me.
- I'm fine. - Wyatt: Ernest?
Okay, shut it, shut it!
Just shut it already! Do you realize how much trouble
- you guys are all in? - Whatever.
Listen to me, people around these parts don't take too kindly to your kind.
I might end up throwing you in jail.
You ever been to a gang bang? Huh?
You know what it's like to be gang-raped? Sweet thing?
Bending down, picking up the soap? You're gonna find out the hard way.
- That's not so bad. - Cop: He's clear, partner.
- Clear. - you know what? Check the r.V.
Step aside, sir. Aside!
- Sorry. - here.
Thank-- thank you, officer.
( Rustling )
Cop: my god. Nothing!
Except this. What do you make of this, partner?
Goddamn sickos.
Right? you know what?
I want to give one of them girls a cavity search!
But you wouldn't know what to do with one of those girls
if they was sitting on your face.
- Maybe a Pearl necklace. - Take this!
- All right, who's first?! - Man on radio: One Lincoln seven.
Stay right here.
One Lincoln seven. Go ahead.
415, customer at a minimart
stating a half-man, half-zombie being chased
by a shirtless female officer.
Sumbitch zombie man-beast
chasing folks over at the minimart!
Hey, Jess, let's go!
What about a citation?
Forget about the citation.
( Groans ) i had a Pearl necklace for you, honey.
* old truckers never die
* I'll tell you, girl, i wouldn't lie *
* what can i do do do? *
- ( siren blares ) - ( engine revving )
- Let's get outta here! - Wyatt: Let's go!
- Yup! let's go! - Right?
( Country music playing )
( Instrumental rock music playing )
Shit. hey, Ellen, can you-- can--
my leg's falling asleep.
Hey, Ellen, my leg's falling asleep.
Can you move a little bit?
( Car honks )
No, seriously, i can't feel my leg.
- ( Tires squeal ) - oh shit!
- ( Groans ) - Kevin: Dude, what are you doing?
Nothing. I'm-- I'm-- I'm fine.
I just dropped something. Go back to sleep.
It's too late for that. What the fuck are we listening to?
I'm just trying to stay awake, man.
- Change it if you want. - Yeah, I'll find something.
- No, wait! - Oh shit!
Nice boner, dude! Does Ellen know you're skull-fucking her?
- What's going on, huh? - Dude, Ellen is sleeping on Wyatt's lap
and he's got a huge boner. Classic.
Interesting.
- ( Radio tuning ) - it's not funny.
- It doesn't mean anything. - Oh, I beg to differ, my dear.
It's not even a boner! It's just a bulge in my pants.
Naw naw, that's bullshit, man.
- That is fully a boner. - ( Whispers ) shut up!
- Ellen. - ( karate yell )
Oh, you-- fuck, man!
Kevin: yeah, motherfucker!
Oh, I'm going to punch you in the dick later.
( Clanks )
- Number one or number two? - Oh, come on!
No no, first rule of the r.V.
Is no one dumps in the r.V. Unless they want to empty the r.V.
- Shit! - not here, grasshopper.
Ha ha! Frickin' bridge troll.
( Mimics troll voice ) "number one or number two?
Cannot cross my bridge if it's number two."
Hey hey, you gotta pull over, dude. I gotta go.
We don't have time to stop. Use the bathroom back there.
- I can't, it's number two. - Contract your sphincter.
Come on, man, I gotta go. I'm about to crap my pants.
Hey, maybe it's time to pay Angie back?
- Piss off, Wyatt! - Wyatt, if Kevin shits the rug,
you're cleaning it.
- Come on, man. - I will, I will!
I'm just messing with him.
I don't know, kev. This is an Indian reservation
in the middle of nowhere. I don't have a good feeling about this.
What the fuck are you doing on an Indian reservation?
The road goes right through it.
Um, well, fuck it. I can't hold it, man.
So just pull over and I'll say an apology
and a prayer to the great buffalo then for making doodie on his land.
( Toilet flushes )
Oh yes, the big one! The big one!
Oh, you-- god. ( Gags )
( Farting )
- Oh! - man: Use another stall, buddy.
Man #2: I'm taking a shit!
Oh fuck!
Oh, you've gotta-- ( Gags )
Oh, god damn it.
It's just you and me, old buddy.
I need half of you for later.
Half of you for now.
( Groans ) okay.
No time. No.
( Kevin farts ) ohhhh my.
How long are you gonna be?
- ( Sighs ) - how long are you gonna be?
I just sat down, man. I might be awhile.
- You're disabled? - No-oooo.
How long are you gonna be?
( Screams )
I'm disabled right now, man.
Get the fuck outta here. Whew.
I'm not leaving until you open this door.
( Grunts )
( Groans ) why?
You gonna be awhile?
Are you fucking kidding me? What's wrong with you, man?
- Use another stall. - I'm crippled, you dumbass.
- ( Rattles ) - come out!
You wanna use your dick for a birthday candle?
You'd better open this door.
I can't, man, you're gonna have to wait.
I'm mid-squeeze right now, nubs.
- Come on! - ( Rattles )
I'm not leaving until you open this door.
What, did you get fucking hit in the head or something, man?
Use a different stall, you weirdo!
- What? - I said you're gonna have to wait.
Figure something out, wheelie Jim!
( Hooting )
What the fuck?
Uncle Kenny, why are you sitting?
He's not in there. What's going on?
It seems he has offended some
big-shot tribal leader or something.
Yeah, he offends everyone.
- ( Footsteps ) - where is he, in the office?
It's not gonna be that easy.
What the hell is going on here?
Your friend has offended an elder
and therefore he must be punished.
Well, you bring him down right now or we are calling the cops.
Go ahead. They have no jurisdiction here.
No, wait, is there
some kind of offering that we can make?
Here, it's all I have. Please just take it.
And here. I got a couple too.
Your white-man money is no good here.
- But you just took it. - Huh?
I am unburdening you.
The less you have, the better you are.
No, you listen to me! I don't have time to--
okay okay! This isn't gonna resolve anything.
Is there anything that we can do to bring our friend back?
I will call the council and i will relay to them your request.
Okay, fine.
When do we start?
- I need to borrow a phone. - Oh jeez.
- What? - ( mumbles ) idiot.
- Really? - ( dials )
Yes, I'm here with the guys.
( Speaking Indian language )
And put $5 on duckling. Okay.
- Are you kidding me? - Ha ha!
- Hey! - you'll get your phone back with your friend.
The council says you may do the ritual of the great tatonka.
And that should take care of everything.
Okay fine. When do we start?
End of the road at sundown.
And how long is this gonna take-- about?
The ritual of the tatonka can take five days.
We don't have five days.
Well, screw this!
- Let's just pick him up on the way back. - No no no.
- We're taking him right now. - Well, fine then!
Really? is it really gonna take five days?
I've seen it done in less time.
Is there any way it could be done in, like--
this ritual-- in like an hour?
( Laughing )
- It's never been attempted. - No?
I have seen it done in--
in less time.
It would require all of you working as one,
and maybe-- just maybe you will please the great spirit.
Okay, that's promising.
- Yeah. - know this:
If the spirit is not satisfied, you are not protected
and the ritual may kill all of you.
Both: what?!
End of the road.
You should start driving.
Let's go, come on!
Do you think we're gonna make it in time?
Yeah.
- I hope you're right. - I am right. I'm always right.
- Yeah yeah. - You know that.
And if not?
Wyatt: is this the place? We're in the middle of b.F.E.
Ellen: what's b.F.E. Again?
Hmm, so that's what a tepee looks like.
Guys, this looks really creepy.
Angie: where are we?
- Ellen: I have no idea. - Angie: Oh my god!
- That looks like a-- - Kenny: Where the hell is this place, huh?
This must be it.
- ( Animal howls ) - Ellen: I don't like this.
Me neither.
Let's just do what we need to do and get the hell outta here.
You four have come for your friend
who has greatly offended an elder
- and so the tribe. - All: Yes, we have.
And you intend to take the ceremony of the tatonka?
- Yeah. - yes, we do.
- Can we see our friend? - No.
Follow.
- ( Gasps ) - oh sweet baby Jesus!
( Moans ) i love wheelchair people.
- Kevin. - Ellen: Oh my god.
- That looks like it hurts. - Merry Christmas.
Man, you know, like when i was a little kid,
I used to play cowboys and Indians,
I was always an Indian.
- What have you done with him? - You can see him.
There he is. He's up on the giant thing and he is fine.
He is in the spirit world.
Hey, Ellen,
you know you and Wyatt should bang
and make uptight Caucasian babies.
Just thought i should tell you that. I saw it in a vision.
No big deal.
He is so fucked.
It seems like a bad night i had in Ibiza.
He committed the disrespect in the bathroom.
So the journey for your friend
is a muddy disgrace as the elder felt.
Everybody should get stoned. ( Laughing )
( Thunder crashes )
And they should throw rocks at me, man,
in the mud while I'm wearing this--
now are you ready to begin your journey?
Pray the great spirit smiles upon you.
Sound prehistoric.
Will there be hors d'oeuvres there?
Maybe some mystery fingers?
Do you think I could get clubbed by a warrior?
Uncle Kenny!
- ( Kevin muttering ) - follow.
- I don't like this. - Me neither.
Hey, man, can I have some more of that soup?
( Thunder rumbles )
- ( Tribal music playing ) - ( voices chanting )
So begins the ceremony of the tatonka.
Like my ancestors before me who have shown me
the gift of the tatonka,
and those who didn't show me shit
'cause they were kinda dicks,
I begin this offering.
Oh great spirit,
guide us in this journey.
( Laughs )
Yes.
Drink.
What's in this?
'Cause I don't do dark liquor.
It's roofies, dear. You've done it before.
Drink.
( Ellen sniffs )
Um.
Drink.
( Coughs )
Blech.
Drink.
Can I get a straw and maybe a twist of lemon?
- Huh? - drink.
Okay okay.
Good. good good.
Now the great spirit will show you the way.
( Laughs )
- How come you're not drinking? - ( Music stops )
Not my journey.
( Laughing )
I'm glad you think it's funny.
Last time I felt like this, it was at the "y"
and when I woke up i was covered in ham.
Drink.
Wyatt: do you want to scalp me, man? Go ahead!
All these people out there, they're all scalping me.
This girl in Vegas, she's scalping me.
Scalping me in the ass!
( Warbles )
Thank you. That helps.
( Echoing ) see your destiny?
Kenny: i see myself.
Pigtails, cute little gingham skirt,
lollipops.
Teasing all the football players from the sideline,
showing my little b-bubble ass,
and then the whole entire team will jerk jizz all over their cleats
right there on the 50-yard line.
I am a dynamo! ( Laughing )
( Echoing ) drink.
Mmm, I'm in a white forest.
But I'm hanging from a tree,
upside down like a bat, like a big black bat.
And my tongue is licking
the snow again
and again!
( Chuckles )
What does it mean?
It means you're insane.
I thought it was cool.
( Whimpers )
Drink.
( Kenny laughs )
Man, you guys got the raw end of the deal, man.
Yes, we know.
White people are dicks!
And I can say that because I'm white.
Drink.
Oh man.
I don't even care if we get there right now.
I just wanna
stay here
with the twigs and the spit.
Ellen, what's your vision?
Oh no no, I'm not-- not telling.
What?
Don't tell.
- No. - come on.
This is just for me. I wanna go see the fire.
- Come on, come on, come on! - Okay.
Come on, give me your hand.
Kevin: Wyatt!
- ( Fly buzzing ) - we're leaving now.
Wyatt!
We're leaving.
Where are you?
( Angie moaning )
Are we dead?
I wish we were. ( Coughs, spits )
We have to get to Vegas!
- Oh my god, we have to get to the wedding. - Where's the r.V.?
- What about Kevin and the others? - Fuck!
We have to get to fucking Vegas!
The wedding-- fuck.
We're gonna miss everything.
- Well, you're not helping. - Try dancing or something.
( Accelerates )
Really? come on, who doesn't
pick up a chick in a leather two-piece?
I thought you were gonna show me how to get it done?
( Sighs ) well, why don't you go and bury yourself in the sand?
Well, here comes somebody now.
You wanna actually get in that car?
( Laughs ) why don't you go check for me?
Oh man, we really need a ride.
Uh, where are you guys going?
Uh, we're trying to get to Vegas. Vegas.
We're going to buffalo bill's. You guys can hop in.
- Yeah. - you gotta bring that little--
that little Shirley temple- looking thing with you.
Oh yeah, totally. You can-- whatever you want. You can have her.
- Yeah. - get in.
- Yeah? - yeah.
- All righty, partay. - Whew.
Thank you.
Man on radio: ...On Friday, August 12th at 2:00 P.M.
All you gotta do is call the studio between the hours
- of 8:00 and 10:00 P.M. pacific standard time... - ( Inhales sharply )
( Whispers ) I'm not sure we should have left the others.
Oh, don't worry. We'll be fine.
What's the worst that could happen, right?
...a lot of discussion on the table
about what they're gonna do to expand the runway.
Let me tell you-- last week, we had--
y'all must be getting hot and sweaty with all that leather down there.
You guys want some beer? We got a bunch of that shit right here.
- Woman: oh, boo boo. - Thank you. I am so thirsty right now.
- Yoo! thank you. - Driver: No problem.
But they're kinda hot, though, man.
- Whoo, hot damn! - ( Rap music playing )
- Yeah! - oh yeah.
This is a song we made so much sweet love to,
you can't even imagine it. ( Moans )
- Ugh. - had plenty of practice with this boy.
Hey now.
( Mouthing )
- Oh, y'all want a joint? - Puff puff pass.
- No, I'm good. - No thanks.
I-- I had quite a night last night.
More for us to smoke and to drive.
What are y'all supposed to be, anyways? Sonny and Cher?
( Cackles )
- Who are they? - Are you kidding with me?
Who is Sonny and Cher? I should come back there and kick your fucking ass.
Driver: smoking and driving is funning.
Yeah, you sure that's the best idea?
- You want me to drive your car, man? - Driver: Hey, I pride myself
on how we done got it ourselves. This guy
at a gas station-- he left it.
And the next thing you know, me and the lady here
hopped right in, boom! Outta there.
You stole this car or it's your car?
I didn't steal shit, man.
I didn't steal a damn thing.
I settled into these nice leather seats.
- Yeah, these things got seat warmers. - Yeah.
This thing has the coolest
star-trekking motherfucking gadget
button-pushing thing in front here.
You press a button, it talks. It says a bunch of shit to you.
I call him Carl. I say to Carl--
I say, "Carl, where are we going?"
And he starts yippering and yappering. Like watch.
Carl, how far to buffalo bill's?
( Beeps ) 100 miles.
Isn't that cool?
Man, I'm gonna get arrested before I even get to Vegas.
You ain't gonna get arrested.
You ain't gonna get arrested for anything.
And now we've got that full back seat back there.
- That's right, we do. - You have any other shit in the trunk
besides your bags?
Driver: there might be a goat in the trunk.
A-- a goat? A live goat?
Well, it may not be alive any more.
But it was alive when
we "put it in the trunk."
( Slot machine cranks )
- ( Bells ringing ) - yahoo!
All right, all right, hey!
Sonny and Cher!
Yoo-hoo.
Sackajaweenis and pocahotness, hey.
- Y'all wake up. - ( Pats )
Are we at buffalo bill's?
Yeah.
We-- fuck, we have to get a cab.
Oh no, we brought you all the way here.
Yeah, the missus here wanted to see Paris
and there ain't any way we're actually gonna do that,
so this is as good as it gets.
Oh man!
Are you kidding me? That's awesome!
- Thanks so much, man. - Hell yeah!
( High-fives )
( Gasps ) oh fuck.
Driver: oh yeah, there was-- sorry.
- ( Snickers ) - we hit a lot of bumps on the way here.
Your titty must have just popped right out.
- Really?! - yeah, really.
- Totally totally. - ( Sighs )
Hey, you guys have a nice wedding, all right?
Yep, thanks, man.
- Thanks a lot. - No problem.
Okay, you gotta get in the shower because we're gonna be late.
But I still need to go get a suit though.
Ellen: no you don't.
When did you guys get here?
Oh no, not-- not-- like how long-- like an hour!
Where the hell have you been, huh?
( Ululating )
- ( Shower running ) - hey, I finally made it.
Yeah, long story, but I look great.
How's it going over there?
Oh good! All right, good luck. See you soon!
* gotta go to the wedding! *
toodle-loo, lady!
See you there.
Good luck, Wyatt!
* buh-bye!
Bye.
- You're not coming down to the bar? - No.
I need to talk to Wyatt.
That's my girl!
I'm so hot in this suit.
Too hot!
Too hot-- why am I so hot
- in this suit? Sexy. - Hey, get out of here.
You heard the lady.
Come on, move it, huh?
You see this, right? I'm not the only one.
- Oh, good-looking dude. - Oh, get out of here with that.
Hey, no hooking up in the shower, all right?
Where is everybody?
Hey, what are you doing here?
Wait a minute-- wait wait, I can't do that.
Um...
I'm about to go break up a wedding and I can't do that.
I've loved you practically all my life
and I can't live a lie anymore.
What do you expect me to say to that?
Just say how you feel.
At least then I'll know the truth.
I do, i love you so much,
but I love you as a friend, you know?
That's not enough.
( Rustling )
It was a great trip and a fun ride over the years.
Take care of yourself, okay?
- Wait. - ( exhales )
I need you now more than ever.
I've heard that before.
I just-- i wish you meant it.
- ( Door opens closes ) - ( sighing )
( Rock music playing )
* you pull me in, i pull away *
* and you ask why i don't stay longer... *
hey, what can i get you, buddy?
- A shot of Jack. - You got it.
What took you so damn long?
- She's gone. - Who?
Ellen.
She told me she loved me
and I rejected her.
Idiot. you two are meant for each other.
Why didn't you tell me this before?
I could have used this information, you know?
Would you have listened? We drove all the way out here
hoping that this whole thing would come to a head finally.
- No pun intended. - All I know
is I came out here to break up a wedding,
and that's exactly what I intend to do.
You're sure that's what you want to do?
Yes.
Then break a leg.
Yes.
* you're saying words i want to hear... *
( "wedding march" playing )
Y'all may be seated.
First off,
I'd like to say congratulations
to Billy and Katie.
This guy must have a huge cock,
because he's as ugly as sin.
( Chuckles )
I'd like to say thank you
to the parents, family members and friends
for being here today.
We've all come together
for one common thing:
The love these two individuals
have for one another.
It's been called life's greatest adventure.
Marriage.
"What is marriage?"
Might you ask.
It has but one meaning.
To share the rest of your lives together.
At one time
you were given life individually.
Now...
You're coming together
as one.
( Sighs )
Before we embark on this miracle
I must ask
if there's anyone here who objects to this marriage?
What's he waiting for?
You're coming together!
Uh-oh.
Look who's here.
Let us call now on psalm number three--
I object.
- Man: you've gotta be kidding me. - Woman: No way.
Wyatt! what are you doing here?
I never thought I'd see you again.
Thattaboy.
Young man, is there something you wanted to say?
( Huffs )
Katie, when you find someone special
that loves you for who you are,
someone who can get behind you when things get a little confusing,
you know, like they've been lately,
- a friend-- - Wyatt, I haven't stopped thinking about you
since I left. I knew that I made a mistake and...
( Crowd murmuring )
I was doing it for all the wrong reasons.
I thought I'd know what to say in this moment,
I mean, I've been thinking about it a lot over the last few days
and... I don't know,
I guess something feels different.
I mean, here I am down here
and you're up there
and I wanted so badly to be--
up there. And that's why I came.
To stop this and to show you that we're meant to be together.
Oh, Wyatt, i--
I love you.
I can't believe you came for me.
But when I started practicing and saying all the things i was going to say,
I realized it doesn't fit.
- But-- - the person in my head wasn't you at all.
She just ran out the door.
I'm sorry.
This was wrong.
I'm sorry.
- Man: what? - Wyatt, you fucking asshole!
How could you do this to her?
How could you do this to me?
Ellen!
( Chuckles )
C'mere.
I stood up at the wedding and I couldn't do it.
- All I could think about was you. - So you ruined her wedding?
Well, it was worth it, i think.
- You think? - Well, it depends on how you respond.
- How should I respond? - Um...
"I love you" would do the trick.
I just-- I don't throw that word around loosely.
Not the reaction you were hoping for?
- Not exactly. - Well,
maybe if you say it to me, i might say it back.
I love you so much.
I love you too.
Oh, Wyatt, ahem.
- Hi. - hey.
Hey, guys, hi.
Yeah, so, um, congratulations.
- Thank you. - 'Cause yeah, no hard feelings, 'Kay?
- Ellen: yes. - That's really relieving.
Because I was kinda feeling like a real horse's dick.
Mm-hmm, yeah?
- Ah, jeez, ow. - You come here
after I haven't seen you in fucking forever,
- and pull that shit... - ( Kicks, Wyatt moans )
...in front of my family and my new husband?!
- Stop, ow! - Then you ruin my fucking wedding!
( Shrieks ) i hate you!
- Wyatt: oh, my nose is broken. - Are you okay?
Oh man.
- ( Moans ) - oh my god.
I am so glad i did not marry her.
Yeah.
Oh man, and I'm glad you're here.
Can we please go get a drink right now?
Yes, baby, we can.
- Let's go. - You called me baby.
( Rock music playing )
* hear the words i want to say *
* dying to communicate
* stuck inside this breakdown *
* I want to say it, but can't get it out. *
good morning, campers!
( Claps ) come on!
It's time to roll your rucksacks
and stow your tent poles. Get up, get up!
Get up!
Huh? we have a long way back home.
You won some money last night. Do you remember?
( Moans ) no. How much?
- ( Water running ) - 5,000. And...
We just have enough left for a lovely candlelight dinner.
Just enough? Did I gamble it all away?
Kenny: no no, come on.
( Claps )
Ellen: Wyatt?!
- What? - what the hell is this?
Oh my god, it's gorgeous.
Like I said, just enough left.
Huh? ( chuckles )
- Wyatt: I'm glad you like it. - I love double weddings.
( Both screaming )
Kevin: oh god, no no no!
Of all the stinky tuna fish in the world, it had to be you!
Oh god, what did I do to deserve this?
- Kenny: Karma's a bitch! - Kevin: I'm gonna be sick.
- ( Groans ) so sick. - ( Laughs )
If this is not some hillbilly shit, i do not know what is.
Well, come on, come on, let's go.
- We have a long way back home. - ( All grumbling )
Come on, get up.
Okay.
I have the wedding pictures.
And they're driving home with me.
- There are pictures?! - Yeah.
- Pictures? - uh-huh. Goodbye.
- Bye. - Ellen: Let's go!
( Rock music playing )
* once a long long time ago in history *
* was born a man unlike any other I'd seen *
* kicked out of school for wearing jeans by age 13 *
* gang-bangs and naked boys are his two favorite things *
- * whoa - * he wants to be
- * yeah - * your fantasy
* he's not looking for trouble, but he might blow your brother *
- * whoa - * he's living the dream
- * yeah - * so obscene
* look out, boys, he's the queen of the road *
* there on his nightstand lies a dirty magazine *
* panties on the floor and cum stains on the sheets *
* a force of nature that can never be contained, no *
* his loins will burn a hole straight into your brain *
- * whoa - * he wants to be
- * yeah - * your fantasy
* he's not looking for trouble but he might blow your brother *
- * whoa - * he's living the dream
- * yeah - * so obscene
* look out, boys, he's the queen of the road... *
( deep voice ) oooh.
That's right.
Come on, you're not a little curious?
- Mmm, it feels so good. - * whoa
- * yeah... - ( Gagging )
- * whoa - * he's the queen of the road *
- * yeah - ( vocalizing )
- * whoa - * he wants to be
- * yeah - * your fantasy
* he's not looking for trouble but he might blow your brother *
- * whoa - * he's living the dream
- * yeah - * so obscene
* look out, boys, he's the queen of the road. *
( music fades )