(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)
(YELLOW OSTRICH'S MARATHON MAN PLAYING)
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)
♪ When I was a boy of 17 ♪
♪ I know it's mean ♪
♪ But I told my friend to give up ♪
♪ On her dreams ♪
♪ She hated me ♪
♪ But I knew that dreams were ♪
♪ For the best of us ♪
♪ And for the rest of us ♪
♪ And I didn't want to share ♪
♪ With anyone ♪
♪ I need a way to see ♪
♪ My greatest dance ♪
♪ And make 'em laugh ♪
♪ If I could win the wars ♪
♪ Or lose the battles too ♪
♪ Whichever's true ♪
♪ I can live ♪
♪ In other people's lives ♪
♪ I can't stop putting on ♪
♪ Other people's clothes ♪
♪ I love them till I leave ♪
♪ I am a marathon runner ♪
♪ And my legs are sore ♪
♪ And I'm anxious to see ♪
♪ What I'm running for ♪
♪ I am a hot air balloon ♪
♪ On a sailboat ♪
♪ I would make this my home ♪
♪ If I'd learn to float ♪
♪ I am a marathon runner ♪
♪ And my legs are sore ♪
♪ And I'm anxious to see ♪
♪ What I'm running for ♪
♪ I am a hot air balloon ♪
♪ On a sailboat ♪
♪ I would make this my home ♪
♪ If I'd learn to float ♪
♪ I am a marathon runner ♪
♪ And my legs are sore ♪
♪ And I'm anxious to see ♪
♪ What I'm running for ♪
♪ I am a hot air balloon ♪
♪ On a sailboat ♪
♪ I would make this my home ♪
♪ If I'd learn to float ♪
Shit.
Dude, you are never gonna believe this.
A shrimp's heart is in its head.
This is fucking tripping me out.
Really, Cheech? 10:00 a.m.?
Yeah. Oh, sorry.
You getting a contact high?
You gonna be all seizuring out on me? I don't get seizures.
Mm-hmm. What do you call them again?
They're marijuana-induced fits. It's a medical condition.
(LAUGHS)
What are you doing tonight?
I don't know. I got to go. Call me later.
Okay.
(MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC)
Hello?
So, uh, what are you doing tonight?
(CHUCKLES) I don't know.
That's why I said, "Call me later."
I know. I am.
So Ash and I are going to this Alvin Ailey modern-dance thing.
Looks kind of cool. You want to join?
Modern dance?
Not exactly what I had in mind for tonight... or ever, really.
All right.
Let's definitely grab a beer before I go.
Yeah, I don't know, man.
I think I'm just gonna heat up some Chinese food.
You mean play video games. All right.
Why change your routine at this point, huh?
I got to go. Bye.
(TWINKLING GUITAR MUSIC)
There you go. Thank you.
Hey. What can I get for you?
I'll just take a medium coffee to go.
Thanks.
Such a... Such a beautiful day out, and it, uh, doesn't...
doesn't feel like November at all.
Feels like... like maybe early s... early summer.
June. (CLEARS THROAT)
Here you go. Thank you.
Thanks. Done and done.
(CASH REGISTER DINGS)
La-te- "L" - apostrophe-ticia?
L'ticia?
Okay.
Thanks so much. Thank you.
Mr. Newman, hello. Hello.
It's quite an honor.
My name is David Abbott.
I have read all three of your books. Oh, thank you, David.
You can just call me Sam. (CHUCKLES)
Sam.
Can you make it out to "Sticky Fingers"?
That is my avatar name.
Sticky Fingers?
Yes, sir.
Okay.
Question for you.
What inspired your decision to kill off Tabitha at the end?
Well...
Was it because she had broken the sacred oath
of the Baldroozen nymphs?
I mean, I guess she had it coming.
Uh, actually, Sticky,
I was-I was sort of inspired by the movie studio
that commissioned me to write it, honestly.
You see, the movie was already made, so they just paid me to
write exactly what happened in the m-movie.
You know, that... that's what I do.
Sorry.
Surprise! Oh. My God!
Sarah! Hi.
Jesus. Sarah Anderson.
Holy shit.
Oh, no, actually, it's Sarah Schipper now.
Wow.
Crazy.
What are you... Congratulations.
Thank you. That's ba... that's a rock.
Well... I don't...
What are you... what are you doing here?
Well, my husband works around the corner.
I was walking by, and I saw your name,
and I thought, "I should just pop in."
Yeah. Well, I'm glad...
I'm sorry. I'm glad you did.
Hi. Oh.
Wait. What?
Yep, that happened. You got a...
A baby. You got a baby.
Yeah.
Wow. Wow.
What about you? You got a wife or kids, family?
Nope. No?
None... none of the above. Not even a girlfriend?
Eh. Aw.
Congratulations on the whole writing thing.
It's great.
Yeah. Yeah.
Not... not bad.
Not bad.
So where does your husband work?
You said he works around the... Oh, he's at the Puma store.
Oh, no, he's a... he's a columnist at the Times.
The New York Times?
Yeah.
Whoa.
Yeah. Cool.
Well, I'd love to get a copy of the book.
Oh. Really?
Yeah. Sure.
Okay. Uh...
Want to sign it for me? Oh, sure.
It just seems so weird.
Let's see.
Uh, okay.
(CHUCKLES)
All right. Yeah.
How are your parents?
Oh, uh, yeah-huh.
Yeah, they got a... they got a divorce.
What?
After I left for college, yeah.
My mom, uh...
They always seemed like they had the most perfect relationship.
Well...
Hey, guess where Joel and I are spending the summer.
Y-y-Yosemite.
Espoo.
Where?
Espoo.
Where my whole family's from.
Are you kidding?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
No, I remember. In, uh, N-Norway.
Finland. Finland.
Near Norway.
We talked about getting married there, but, well...
It's nice to see that you haven't changed at all, Sam.
Take care, Sam.
You too.
Dude, she's pregnant!
That sucks.
Yeah, I'm sitting there signing autographs
like a jackass, this stupid book.
It was so humiliating.
Sorry, Mr. Newman. Yeah.
My manager told me I have to take the order now.
You want to have the special?
Uh, no, just the usual.
Thanks, Howard.
Um...
So she looks at me like I was the saddest, most pathet...
Sorry I don't work for The New York Times.
The New York Times is not really what it used to be.
I got to go.
Oh, Wait. Uh...
I have a lot of customer to take care of.
Well, I'll talk to you s... Bye.
Okay.
Oh, my God, I got to write something good.
(MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC)
There you go. What's that for?
Oh. I thought... Aren't you... Homeless?
Sorry. I just thought that was a...
That's a chai.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
I'm so sorry. Uh... Hey, what's up?
Yeah. No, I saw the Instagram.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hey, Alan.
Hey. How'd the signing go, guy?
Um, fine.
Yeah, all right. Total domination, right?
Teen Vampire continues to command the shelves.
Well, quantity over quality.
That's what I say.
All right, listen, the studio would like you
to translate a couple more of their films into books.
Yeah, I don't know, man. I-I...
The first one here actually smells pretty good.
Let me set the table for you. It's an action-adventure flick,
and it's called "doomtombalienwomb"...
it's one word... "dot-net," I think.
Check it out.
It's sizzling, and they got apps, and they got the whole thing happening.
Okay, yeah.
Um... All right, let me move on.
I got a romantic comedy for you too, and this one's called Sherpa.
Sherpa? I think you could kill this shit.
Like the... like the Nepal...
Yeah, a woman who climbs Everest.
Okay.
But in the process, she finds the biggest discovery of her life
love with her Sherpa guide.
She falls in love with him.
They're from different backgrounds.
They speak the language of kindness or something like that.
Listen, Alan, I don't know.
Lookit, I'm not saying that this stuff is actually hard-on-inducing,
but you pop off a couple more of these bad boys...
Alan, I think I'm gonna start writing something else.
Something original. Okay.
Something personal.
Yeah. Listen, I totally get it.
So I'm gonna take a little time off and start working on this thing, okay?
All right. Here... here's the thing.
You're burned out. You want to move the blocks around.
You want to reset the table. I got to move them. Yes.
You need to take a break.
You need to do something a little bit different, and I totally get that,
and I want... that's what I want you to do, 'cause I want you to stoke the fire.
'Cause if you take the coal too far away from the fire, then the coal burns out.
If you put the coal back in the fire, then the coal's gonna burn.
And I don't want you to ever think
that anybody has ever called you a hack writer.
Hack writer? What?
Okay, when you start writing the pages,
you send 'em over to me.
Wait, Alan. Hack writer.
What are you talking about?
I'm just telling you they haven't said it.
What? I'm gonna go.
Let me know when you're doing stuff.
Yeah. Okay. Bye.
(MID-TEMPO GUITAR MUSIC)
Ooh, sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
Ah!
Thanks. I'm really sorry.
Just got in?
I'm sorry. What? Sorry?
Oh, I'm just saying I think I saw you come in to work.
Oh, yeah.
I am late as usual.
Yeah, always late.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
(SIGHS)
Can I get a refill for you?
Oh, yeah.
Uh, thanks.
Oh, shit!
What? Are you okay?
No. Fuck.
Um, I think someone just stole my computer.
Oh, God.
Yeah, I had it here, and I put it in a bag.
It was in a blue computer bag. I was gonna go to the bathroom.
Do you have another one? Do you s... hmm?
Besides that one?
No. That's it.
Just that one, actually.
(CHUCKLES)
Thanks.
No, it would have been devastating if you'd lost your masterpiece.
Yeah. No reason to go on.
I know.
Fortunately, it's just two pages of bad haikus and dirty limericks.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
But you're a doodlist as well, I see.
Oh, yes.
I just scribble.
I dabble in the doodles myself.
Yeah? Really?
Yeah, I do caricatures in Prospect Park.
Oh, cool.
Very cool.
I'm sorry. Is this Gorbachev?
No, no, that's just a creepy guy.
Oh. That's too bad.
I'm a huge Gorbachev fan.
Oh. Well, this is...
Now it's Gorbachev.
You can Gorbachev anything. That's really good.
Thanks.
It's Birdie.
It's very birdy.
Oh, my name is Birdie.
Oh, okay. Sorry.
Um...
I'm Sam.
Uh, that's my name.
(CLEARS THROAT)
It's like Pam with an S.
Oh. So... So Spam.
No, the P is silent. It's confusing.
(LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
I would love to continue this conversation, but...
Yeah, of course. Sorry. Yeah.
Sorry.
Large coffee, almond milk, three Sweet'N Lows, two napkins.
The name's Emily.
Nice to meet you.
Emily, like "Jemily,"
but the J is silent.
(CHUCKLES)
Actually, "Gemily" is spelled with a G, usually.
Is it?
Do you know any Gemilys?
Sorry.
(JANGLY ROCK MUSIC)
Hey, El, where's the toothpaste?
El.
Hey, what'd you... Oh, shit!
Shit. What the fuck?
Sorry.
You can't do that with the door wide open.
Well, I thought you were in the shower.
I always wait till you're in the shower.
You do? Oh, God.
Now every time I take a shower, I'm gonna think about that.
Can I turn around?
Yeah.
Is that Princess Leia?
N... yeah.
Are you seriously jerking off
to current pictures of Carrie Fisher?
Remember when we were kids, dude?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you were pretty obsessed with her too.
Yeah, I was obsessed with her when she was in Star Wars.
What am I, 12?
You really expect me to pleasure myself to fucking Star Wars?
What are you talking about?
You can get older, and she can stay the same age in picture form.
Women, like men, grow up.
Everybody ages.
It's just... it's a natural fact of life.
You're not dating her.
You're just jerking off to her.
Right.
I... Okay, yeah.
Just close your door next time.
Can you close it?
(GROANS)
Are you going back into the shower by any chance?
Please don't.
Just please don't.
(PIZZICATO STRINGS MUSIC)
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Do you by any chance know what time Birdie...
or it might be Bertie... is working?
It's Birdie, like "caw, caw!"
You're a friend of hers?
Uh, yeah, sort of.
She got canned.
What? Why?
What... what happened?
She was late.
For work?
No.
For her fucking period.
What... I'm sorry.
I don't know what's g...
I f-feel like maybe we got off on the wrong foot.
I'm Sam, by the way.
Okay.
And your name is... It's Gerard.
Gerard.
Strard.
Stre... Gerard.
Strard. Stard.
Strard. Chard.
Leave it.
Anyway.
What happened with Birdie?
I already told you; she was late.
Oh... right.
But j-just...
Anything else, Inspector Watson?
No, that's... that's great.
Thanks for...
Do you think maybe she'll come back here?
For what?
I don't know.
Me, neither.
Why don't you just find her online?
I don't know her... Birdie Hazel.
Hazel.
Okay.
Thank... Thanks, G-sir.
Okay. I think I got everything.
Where you guys going?
I told you a trillion times.
We're going to Ashley's parents' place,
then we're going to Sacred Spirit.
Oh, right. Camp Brainwash.
Eliot, don't forget your camera.
I think it's on the desk.
Oh, yes. Bye!
Bye!
Hey, El, I found Birdie's online profile.
You did? Who?
You know, the coffee shop girl.
Pretty amazing, actually.
Oh, yeah? Nice, man. Yeah. You got to see this.
I don't know what to do.
What's the next move?
Write her a message saying you want to see her.
Really?
Should I? That seems weird.
Just, like, a blind message?
I don't... I don't know anything about her.
Yeah. Sure, you do.
That's the beauty of getting to see her Facebook profile.
There's so much information on there, you know?
I mean, hell, you could become the man of her dreams
if you wanted.
That's true.
You know?
Baby? Yeah.
Come on. I'm double-parked.
What are you doing? Oh, shit.
See you next week, playa.
See you.
(BUZZER DRONES)
♪ G, D, B minor, A ♪
♪ G, G ♪
Play a G.
Oh. Uh, okay. Play a G.
I'm not sure I got that one.
Index finger goes on the... is that a fret?
It's called a fret.
Sorry. I don't know... You got to bar it.
Ow. Ow.
Okay. That's it?
(DISSONANT CHORD PLAYS)
It sounded different than yours.
If you stop with the 'tude and the condescending shit,
I can... Music is about opening.
Your generation is so... sexy, and they know it,
and they're texting.
Just 'cause you got my number off a telephone pole
doesn't mean I'm not ferocious on the ax.
I played fucking Woodstock, man.
Woodstock? Really?
That's kind of...
'Cause you don't really seem that...
Woodstock '99, captain!
So you want to fuck with that?
I played backup with the fucking Spin Doctors, bro-rometer.
Wow.
Yeah, wow.
That's pretty cool.
It's really cool.
Look it up.
I will. I'll Google it.
Yeah, do that. Okay.
I didn't technically play backup,
but I was backing them up from a choice seat backstage.
I'm pretty tight with Chris Barron's brother.
Is he... is he in the Spin Doctors?
Are you effin' fucking with me?
I-I don't... Is this Punk'd? Am I punk'd?
Are you Ashley Kutcher?
Ashton.
Who doesn't know Chris Barron?
I don't. I'm sorry.
He's the original doc.
He hooked me up with backstage passes,
and we did enough K to date-rape a horse.
What's K?
And you want to be a rock star.
Without K, the Spin Doctors would be Spin Nurses.
It's a fucking horse tranquilizer, champion.
Gary, I totally respect your musical background,
and that's why I just really want you
to teach me how to play.
Yeah? Why?
I just want to... Why?
I just want to learn.
Nobody just wants to learn.
You either want money, pussy, or fame.
Which one is it?
I just want to learn.
Money, pussy, or fame?
I want to... Which one is it?
Well, then, okay.
Well, there's... there's a girl.
So it's pussy.
Yeah, fine, I guess.
Well, does she have a pussy?
Can you just tell me where the G is please?
It's right above the clit, inside the pussy.
The G chord.
Can you... what are you doing?
If you just listen... Shh!
And stop fucking around,
Dr. Gary Garren will teach you a thing or three.
You know what I mean?
I think so.
(LIGHT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS)
♪ Yeah, one, two ♪
♪ Princes kneel before you ♪
♪ That's what I said now ♪
♪ Princes ♪
♪ Princes who adore you ♪
♪ Go ahead now ♪
♪ One has ♪
♪ Diamonds in his pockets ♪
♪ And that's some bread now ♪
♪ This one ♪
♪ He wants to buy you lockets ♪
♪ Ain't in his head now ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Bi-di-dip ♪
(SPIN DOCTORS' TWO PRINCES PLAYING)
(CHEERY ROCK MUSIC)
♪ Yeah, one, two ♪
♪ Princes kneel before you ♪
♪ That's what I said now ♪
♪ Princes ♪
♪ Princes who adore you ♪
♪ Just go ahead now ♪
♪ One has ♪
♪ Diamonds in his pockets ♪
♪ And that's some bread now ♪
♪ This one ♪
♪ Said he wants to buy you lockets ♪
♪ Ain't in his head now ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Do do-do do ♪
♪ Do do do do-do ♪
♪ Ba-deedly de-ba da-ba da-ba ♪
♪ Da-ba da-ba da-ba da-ba da-ba ♪
♪ This one ♪
♪ Got a princely racket ♪
♪ That's what I said now ♪
♪ Got some ♪
Oh, shit!
♪ Ain't in his head now ♪
♪ You marry him ♪
♪ Your father will condone you ♪
♪ How 'bout that, now? ♪
♪ You marry me ♪
♪ Your father will disown you ♪
♪ He'll eat his hat now ♪
♪ Marry him or marry me ♪
♪ I'm the one that loves you ♪
♪ Baby, can't you see? ♪
♪ I ain't got no future or family tree ♪
♪ But I know what a prince and lover ought to be ♪
♪ I know what a prince and lover ought to be ♪
♪ Said if you ♪
♪ Want to call me, baby ♪
♪ Just go ahead now ♪
♪ And if you'd ♪
♪ Like to tell me maybe ♪
♪ Just go ahead now ♪
♪ And if you I
♪ Want to buy me flowers ♪
♪ Just go ahead now ♪
♪ And if you'd ♪
♪ Like to talk for hours ♪
♪ Just go ahead now ♪
(GUITAR SOLO)
Tap out. Tap out.
I'm trying.
Tap out!
I'm trying. I can't tap out.
Tap out.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, my God.
Holy Jesus.
(BELL JINGLES)
Hey, Gerard. Hey.
I'm here to pick up my last paycheck.
Somebody stole it.
What?
I'm joking. Jesus!
Don't get your boy shorts in a panty bundle.
How could someone possibly steal it and then cash it?
I-I-I don't know.
Exactly, genius.
I stole it and tried to cash it.
Didn't work.
Great. Well...
I'm just glad it's still here. Did he find you?
Who?
That Laotian boy.
Oh, you can run, but you can't hide.
When you're done with him, give him my digits.
Okay.
I don't... I don't know what you're talking about, so I'm just gonna take this.
Thank you.
And... yeah.
Bye.
♪ Ten years ago ♪
♪ I bought you some cufflinks ♪
♪ C ♪
♪ And then to G ♪
♪ Head back to D ♪
♪ And back to ♪
Hey!
Welcome home!
What the fuck is going on?
Oh, man. You missed... Oh, shit!
I got to flip the mahi.
Ah, fuck.
Damn it.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Ah, I knew it.
Should have done the medallions.
What is going on, man?
Oh, I... found some inspiration.
Cocaine?
(LAUGHS)
No, no, no.
Let's just say a little bird helped me out.
I'm not... not getting it.
Birdie! Duh.
The coffee shop girl.
Birdie. Right.
Can you turn that down a little?
Way down.
Sorry, man. Sorry.
Listen, I got to tell you something.
I haven't felt this way in such a long time.
I feel this, like, uh...
like a jolt, you know, like a... like a thump.
Don't say spark. A spark.
It's true.
I can't explain it any other way.
It's this... this intangible feeling that...
Feels pretty good.
I love that, man. That's great.
Oh, shit. Is she coming over?
You want me to go to Ashley's?
Oh, no, she's not coming here.
Oh, she's not? Yeah.
That's great, though. You guys been hanging?
No.
You been talking on the phone with her?
No. A little online chatting?
Not quite.
See, I'm getting a little creeped out, man.
I'm doing exactly what you said.
What I told you to do? Yeah.
I'm becoming the man of her dreams.
I don't think that that...
I'm preparing for the moment to arise.
I've been studying her Facebook page all week.
I know it backwards and forwards.
I'm visualizing the whole thing.
I got it. (CLICKS TONGUE)
Okay. How 'bout this?
Yeah?
Visualize writing her a message
but then literally do it right now.
Write her a message r-right now?
Yeah.
Okay. You know what?
Screw it. You're right.
Let's do this.
All right.
This is the moment.
Carpe diem.
Um... okay, so what... what do I write?
Uh, uh, uh... Got it. Okay.
"I love and invite my soul"... What's this? What is this?
This is Leaves of Grass. Walt Whitman.
Birdie loves Whitman.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Really? Why? Why? Why?
Dude, look at this. Look.
"Hey, babe, I hope you're still coming to my show on Tuesday.
"LOL, Jackie." Who's Jackie?
It's Jackie Williams.
She's a... she's an aspiring actress.
Their parents are family friends.
She loves Kathy Griffin. She's an Aquarius.
She does the show on Tuesday night at UCB Improv.
(LAUGHING) Oh. My God.
It's really disturbing you know that, but that's your in.
Well, it's all in...
What do you mean, that's my in? I'm gonna go to some shitty improv show,
sit through the whole thing, just so I can stare at her in the audience?
You... No, you... so you can talk to her.
All right, flower, grow!
Grow! Grow! Grow! Faster!
Why don't you grow faster, flower?
Now, run around. Ahh!
Yeah, but you love that flower.
Tell that flower that you love her.
The chestnut that turned into a flower,
to turn it into growing water, then turn into something big.
It was chestnuts!
That was pretty funny.
Hey... Can I get, uh, one of these?
Oh, my God. Wait, wait.
Oh.
Do you ever go to the Second Stop Café?
Well, where is that... Oh, Gorbachev!
Sam.
That's it! Yeah. Yeah.
Birdie. Birdie? Bird... yeah.
What have you been up to? What have you been up to?
I... Jesus.
Oh, no.
(LAUGHS)
Um, nothing. Just, uh, watching...
Really bad improv.
Glad you said that.
It was... yikes.
Though I commend them for their courage.
I would never have the nerve to get onstage like that
if I didn't have a guitar in my hands.
You play guitar?
Yeah, yeah, a little bit.
Just... just to relax and stuff.
Very nice. Mellow stuff, yeah.
Joan Baez kind of stuff.
Oh, you like Joan Baez?
I love Joan Baez!
She's the best! Yeah!
No, she's my favorite.
Oh, my God. Are you kidding?
I grew up with her.
Not literally, but... Right.
She's amazing. Diamonds and Rust.
Dude, every time I walk into Washington Square,
I think of that.
Me too.
"Now you're smiling, looking out the window"
"of that crummy hotel over Washington Square."
"Our breath comes out white clouds, mingles, hangs in the air."
Oh!
I know. Oh, my God. It's so good.
Every time I'm in the park, I think that.
Yeah.
Well, um, listen, next time I'm in the ol' Second Stop,
you got to give me the Joan Baez fan discount.
I would love to.
It might be a little hard now since I was fired.
I know... now.
Now I know.
Uh, that sucks.
I'm glad that I ran into you here, though.
Yeah, me too.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey!
Oh, hey, girl.
Oh, you were so good, so good.
Thanks for coming. Thank you.
Literally, you couldn't have picked a better night,
except for that skank who kept cutting me off.
Uh, well, J... Jackie, uh, Sam.
Hey. Hey, Sam.
Um, Sam was just saying something about the show, right?
What is it that you were saying?
Ah, well, we were laughing... Thank God.
And saying that we will never forget this night.
That was it. It was very memorable.
Literally?
Yep. Thanks.
So do you know someone in the troupe, or...
No. I just... I enjoy the art form.
Art form? Wow.
Thank you, Sam.
Dibs.
(LAUGHTER)
So do you have to... No. Oh.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(CHUCKLES)
Can I cook you dinner sometime?
Hey!
Oh, sorry.
Okay, I need some scented candles, dried flowers,
incense... either Passion or Don Juan brand...
and, uh, there's something else that I didn't write down.
Oh, sage.
Do you sell sage?
Great.
♪ Hey, sister ♪
♪ Can you feel my soul runs free? ♪
♪ Destruction breaks the core ♪
♪ Taking toll on me ♪
♪ Life stings with circumstances ♪
♪ Cheating death romances me ♪
♪ Hey, mister ♪
♪ Did you miss your chance to see some truth? ♪
♪ Have you misplaced your identity? ♪
♪ You've searched for all the action ♪
♪ Where the dead can dance and sing ♪
♪ Whoo-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
The Slim Maker does all the exercises...
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Sam, hey.
I am so sorry. I got caught up.
Yeah, totally.
That's cool.
I wasn't sure if you remembered...
I'm at the hospital, actually.
Oh, my God.
I'm fine.
Mm.
My ex is a carpenter, actually, and he hurt his hand...
And he didn't have anyone else to drive him.
That's... that's actually a really nice thing to do.
He would do the same thing for me.
Well, I really want to make it up to you.
I take a ballroom class every Thursday,
if you're interested.
Oh, I also do ballroom.
You do? Yup.
Honestly, though, I haven't done it
since I was really, really young, but...
Well, you better find something snazzy to wear.
Okay.
I will.
All right. I'll talk to you then.
Okay, good. Good.
All right.
Bye. Bye.
Okay.
(SIGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
(MID-TEMPO PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)
I like... I like your outfit.
(LAUGHING) Thanks.
What do you... where are your dancing clothes?
Oh, I've got 'em on.
They're just under here.
It's just like a wife beater and a T-shirt.
Yeah? Yeah.
I think I'm gonna go home and change really quick.
Oh, no, no. Come on.
I misinterpreted what you said.
Just take your jacket off a second.
I'm sure it's fine.
Okay, I-I-I got to... I just got to tell you,
when I was dancing, they wore different things, and you said, "snazzy."
I know. I did say snazzy.
Okay, really quick, but you can't laugh, or else I'm jumping out of the cab.
(LAUGHS)
Okay. No, no! I don't...
I mean, that was a... that was a laugh of excitement
because it's so snazzy.
Can I go home? I'm just gonna put a T-shirt...
I think it's great. I think it's great.
Some people dress up, so it's okay.
Oh, no. And we're here anyway, so...
It's gonna be fine. I got you.
I promise it's gonna be... it's gonna be fine.
Oh, please. Okay.
Oh, uh, sorry, sir.
How much... how much do I owe you?
What are you doing?
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
(LAUGHS)
Oh, it's right here.
Oh, okay.
Hey.
Hey!
Birdie, what have we got here?
Harriet, Henry, this is my new recruit, Sam.
Oh, Sam.
Raymond's not gonna be pleased.
Ah, he'll be fine.
Hey. Oh.
Nice threads.
Oh, thank you.
You a pro?
No. Are you?
How do you define a pro?
Well, it's someone who gets paid for dancing, I guess.
Oh, not with money.
We get rewards in other ways.
Ah.
Pride.
Right. Roberto.
Oh, hi. Sam.
Mercedes.
Oh, hello.
Hi.
We've won this thing for the last three years.
Don't get any ideas.
Okay.
Wow.
It's not a competition.
Oh.
Did someone tell them that?
(LAUGHS)
So let me get this straight
you write novels for movies that already exist.
Yes. Yep.
Did you see, um, you know, Teen Vampire?
That... that was huge.
The movie was, yeah.
The novelization was not so much. I'm gonna read it anyway.
You don't have to read it, really.
Just rent the movie.
What's your favorite book?
The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge.
Are you serious?
What? That's my favorite book.
What? Yeah!
Oh, when he turns into the... The crow.
Dude, I tripped out in college.
I tripped out so hard.
First day on the job, rookie?
No.
First day on the job, rookie?
Okay, he just said that.
What's with those two?
Ah, don't listen to 'em.
Oh!
Yeah, see?
(LAUGHS)
You actually have some pretty sweet moves.
Oh, thanks.
Must be all the judo training.
Deep into judo.
(LAUGHS)
What?
What's so funny? Nothing. No.
I just... My parents' dog's name is Judo,
and you said, "deep into judo."
That just sounded funny.
I'm an infant.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah.
Your parents' dog is named Judo?
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
That is funny,
Invite her to the next Sacred Spirit retreat.
This one's only one night.
You kidding?
No. I actually like this girl.
You drinking whiskey?
Bourbon. Bourbon?
I hate it so much.
It's her favorite, though.
Got to build up my immunity.
Are you okay?
It's so smooth.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
♪ L.O.V. for you and me ♪
♪ That's just the way it's got to be ♪
♪ L.O.V. for you and me ♪
♪ That's just the way ♪
Hey, Gerard, what's another word for "smitten"?
"Horny."
♪ Love is a feeling ♪
♪ Feel the words of love ♪
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
♪ Come on, now ♪
♪ Hold these words as the sweetest embrace ♪
♪ And try ♪
♪ Come on, try ♪
(KEYS CLACKING)
I think you might be the first guy I've ever met
that actually likes doing this.
♪ That you've given up on love ♪
♪ I'm hoping that you'll come around ♪
This is so exciting, right?
I wish I could draw.
That is such a dope talent.
You know, this one here
is quite the talented artist himself.
Yeah, right.
I'm... no, I'm not.
I'm not as... not as dope as she is.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God. That's so funny.
These are so good.
Do you have, like, a time frame
to make it doing drawing or whatever?
Well, what do you mean, "make it"?
Success is a myth.
Love's the only true currency.
After all this is done,
all that really matters is how and who you loved.
But there must be something
that you're working toward, right?
This.
What do you mean, this?
This brings me happiness.
You know, and maybe, you know,
in a week or maybe a year from now, it won't, but...
You know, then I'll just move on to the next thing that does.
All right.
Looks good.
I think... I think we're done, yeah.
It's about time.
You two are such a rad couple.
You both draw or whatever. It's so cool.
I remember when Kyle first... Hey, let's go. Sorry.
Good luck.
Good luck to you.
Yeesh.
You must not be able to always draw people
completely accurately
at the risk of offending them, I imagine.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, every now and then, you get someone that's, like,
slightly offended.
I kind of miss Kyle in a weird way.
Yeah, well, we'll always have the memory of Kyle
in our hearts.
Yeah, that's true. That's true.
We can always look back and smile.
(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
What?
Nothing. I'm...
Just glad I met you.
That's all.
I was... Oh.
Sorry. Sorry.
Um... I'm sorry. That was...
I was supposed to kiss you on the cheek.
Right.
(EARNEST MUSIC)
I'm supposed to kiss you on the cheek too.
Are you free tonight?
Yeah. Yeah?
Sure.
♪ The future's still a mystery ♪
So your ex... your ex is singing tonight?
This is the one from the hospital?
Yes, Tony. Oh, okay.
Oh, cool.
He's really cool, and he just got back from, like,
traveling all around the world.
Wow.
Yeah. I can't wait for you to meet him, though.
He's gonna love you.
Oh, I can't wait to be loved by him.
(CHUCKLES)
So I thought you said, um...
I mean, isn't he a carpenter or... Yeah, yeah.
Well, you know, Tony is an interesting one,
because he kind of does, like, a little bit of everything,
so he just got into carpentry,
and he's just been doing it on the side
for friends and family.
Oh, very cool.
Yeah.
Nice. He's like a jack-of-all-trades.
Exactly. I can't wait to meet him.
Hey! Jesus Christ.
Hey, man! Tony!
Oh, Tony, hey. It's you, right?
Hey. How's it going?
I am so fucking glad to meet you.
Yeah. Fucking good to meet you.
Thanks for coming up.
Mm. Wow. Looking good.
(LAUGHING) Thanks.
I love you, babe.
Oh, you know I wouldn't miss it.
Yeah? (LAUGHS)
Come on. Let's get this musical debacle started.
We're so excited. Yeah.
I can't wait to hear you play.
I've heard so much about you.
Oh, that's good of you to say, man.
Thanks a lot.
I can't wait to play,
but I went and chopped up my paw really good.
Oh.
Tony, you have to be more careful next time.
Yeah, okay. You hear that?
That is exactly the reason why she gets along with my ma.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Aw.
Oh, my God! What?
I can't believe I didn't think of this.
Sam plays guitar.
Seriously? Yeah.
No.
Brother.
Oh. You're up.
Oh, n... oh, well... He plays!
No, no! No, no, Tony.
Would you? Come on. Tony, honestly...
I won't take "no" for an answer.
Please, Tony. Don't do this to me.
Tony... You guys ready?
Brother, you ready?
Yeah. All right, Three, two-go.
I got to tune this up.
You know what? I should tune.
Sorry, guys.
It's how this is... yeah. Yeah.
Is this... this is...
You take your time, bro.
You take your time, brother.
I don't think... I'm not really used to playing this.
It's a... I'm a righty.
He's good, right?
I mean, he does this... yeah.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
(GUITAR STRAINING)
Can you do it with him?
Oh! What? I'm sorry.
Popped-popped the old string.
Sorry, guys. It's all right, brother.
Oh, sorry.
I owe you a guitar. You break things.
Things break.
They're objects. It's all right.
All right. Thanks, brother.
This one's gonna go out for you.
What was that?
I just... it's too hard. Too much.
Don't worry about it.
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
Birdie Hazel, ladies and gents!
Bring her on up!
Come on up.
Come on up, doll.
No!
Come on.
Okay. Okay.
(LAUGHS) Bye.
♪ Oh, who will dress ♪
♪ Your pretty little feet? ♪
♪ Who will glove your hand? ♪
♪ And who will kiss your rosy red cheeks ♪
♪ When I'm in a far-off land? ♪
♪ The storms are on the ocean ♪
♪ The heavens may cease to be ♪
♪ This world may lose its motion, love ♪
♪ If I prove false to thee ♪
(SCATTERED CHEERS)
You're so, so amazing.
Like, I had no idea you could do that.
Oh, thanks. (LAUGHS)
Oh. Oh, my God.
Talented.
Hi!
Oh, hey. Hey.
This... hey.
Hi. Hi.
This is Birdie.
I'm Ashley. We've heard so much about you.
Hey. I'm Eliot.
Nice to meet you.
Birdie. Yeah.
I feel like I know you already.
He won't stop talking about you.
Oh, uh... oh. Stalker alert.
No, no. Nothing like that.
Oh, did you tell her about the Sacred Spirit retreat?
No, Eliot.
You guys, you don't have to come.
Sacred spirit? What? What?
It's this... go ahead.
Well, the next one's only one night.
It's sort of a nightly camp to kind of gather your thoughts.
It's a bunch of other people out in nature,
to refresh your spirit.
That sounds awesome.
That's, like, right up my alley. Yeah.
Yeah, it's cool.
It's pretty cool. I don't know, but...
Do you... you want to go?
Really?
Yeah. I mean, really.
Is that... would that be cool?
Oh... Absolutely.
Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Please. Please.
If that's okay, that'd be great.
Yeah. That's great.
Yes!
Oh, great. Oh, good.
'Cause I wanted to go too, so...
Okay, good. Perfect. Perfect.
Awesome.
Well, it was nice to meet you guys.
Where's the nearest subway stop?
Oh, I'll walk you... No, no. Forget it.
Get in the car. It's too cold.
Really? Yeah. Sure.
Oh, my God. That's so nice.
Thank you. Okay.
All right. Uh... Bye. Bye.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey. Here. Oh, I... oh.
I got it.
Where am I going? You really got it.
Just... She seems great!
She knows not to say anything, right?
Hey, El.
Do you have a cool, like, hippie-type shirt
I could wear for the retreat?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yep. Just give me a minute. What are you doing?
I'm just... I'm looking at a magazine.
Looking at a magazine? We got to go!
What magazine you looking at?
Martha Stewart Living.
Why... Oh, God.
Martha Stewart?
Really?
Yeah, dude, you got to see this Thanksgiving issue cover.
It's insane.
No, I'm good.
Buddy, we got to go.
All right.
Thanks for killing the mood.
Sorry.
You pumped for the retreat?
Pumped? No.
Um, do you... oh.
Birdie'll love it.
Do you think?
Thanks.
♪ She lit a fire ♪
♪ And now she's in my every thought ♪
♪ She lit a fire ♪
♪ And now she's in my every thought ♪
♪ Where ♪
♪ Could that girl have gone? ♪
♪ Where? ♪
♪ I've wandered far ♪
♪ Where ♪
♪ Could that girl have gone? ♪
♪ She left no trace ♪
♪ But I know her face ♪
♪ I will find her ♪
It's really cold.
Ahh.
Yeah, you know, I don't...
I don't really smoke that much, but what the hell?
Yeah, me too.
I'm not exactly the lead singer of Phish either,
but you know what they say... when at retreats...
You're gonna... you sure?
I'll light the old Christmas tree whenever I get the urge.
(LAUGHTER)
What?
Christmas tree?
What?
S'mores for me.
S'mores, Sam.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Mm.
So, Birdie,
is that, like, a nickname, or that's...
God.
No, my parents were hippies... Mm-hmm.
And they felt like the world was caging in on us,
so they wanted their little girl to fly free, hence Birdie.
Birdie. That's so cool.
(COUGHING)
Oh, no.
Oh, no?
What's wrong?
Hey, it might be the shrooms talking to the K,
but don't you teach me guitar?
No, that's the shrooms talking to you.
You teach me the guitar.
No, no.
(WHISPERING) Hey, is this the chick?
No.
Is this the little pussy? Shut up. Shut up.
Hey, guys, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go get some s'mores, I think.
Okay.
You good?
Where you going?
Hello. Hi. You want a s'more?
Hello?
(PSYCHEDELIC SITAR MUSIC)
What the fuck?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Sam. Huh?
You okay? Oh, no, I'm chillin'.
Guys, come on.
This mantra's not gonna chant itself.
Okay!
Oh, Jesus.
Your boyfriend is killing me with this thing.
I was doing so well too.
It was happening. It was flowing.
Now I'm so stoned.
I'm so fucked.
I'm gonna be completely exposed.
What are you doing?
Huh?
Oh, eating helps calm me down when I'm stressed out.
I have a medical condition.
These are disgusting.
No, what... What are you doing with the girl?
What are you talking about?
Completely exposed?
Sam, it's a... it's a little dramatic, I think.
Ash, look at her.
Look at this place. It's a perfect fit.
I can't do this shit.
It's not me.
I don't know what I'm doing here.
Such a mistake.
It's called "compromise."
Look, wine tasting isn't exactly.
Eliot's, like, favorite thing in the world.
But remember?
He took me to the Finger Lakes last summer.
We had a really good time 'cause he knew it was something
that I had always wanted to do.
He showed me the pictures. I know!
And, look, I am not really into
all this spiritual mumbo-jumbo... Right?
But I come on all these retreats with him.
Look, you don't have to love it.
You just have to try it for the sake of your partner.
Right.
You're right.
Eyes on the prize, soldier.
Okay. Okay.
Eyes on the prize.
Here. Take a napkin.
Uh, no. I'm good.
Eyes on the prize.
Both: Eyes on the prize.
Eyes on the prize.
(ALL CHANTING) Eyes on the prize.
That's what I said now.
I'm the one that loves you, baby; can't you see?
I just... just go ahead now.
If you want to buy me flowers, just... go ahead now.
I wish I could say that was the craziest thing
that I've ever done just now.
I-I can say that, easily.
I-I can say that I've never started a chant before.
You had them going!
They loved it.
Yeah, that got... It was fun.
It got intense.
Okay.
If you could go anywhere in the world,
where would you go?
Orlando, definitely.
I've always wanted to go to Orlando
or maybe one of the outlying suburbs of Orlando.
(LAUGHS)
You know, I don't know.
I haven't traveled as much as I want to.
I really want to travel.
I've never even been outside the States.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, man.
I'd love... I'd love to go to the Galápagos islands, though.
That's the... that's the place... one place I'd want to go.
That's so crazy.
Why?
That's, like, the one place on Earth I don't want to go.
Like, real... Are you kidding?
No... well, okay.
I love what it represents,
and I-I'm in love with place, but... Yeah.
I feel like by going there,
it would be, like, the end of what makes it what it is.
You know?
It's like this untouched part of the world,
and it's got all these incredible animals
that you can't find anywhere else,
and they're just roaming freely.
Tortoises and...
There's, like, this natural perfection to it.
Right, so that's... What's wrong with that? That sounds...
That sounds great.
Yeah, but I-I feel like we'd find a way
to fuck it up, you know?
Selfishly, I'd love to go.
I'd love to experience it.
But if we got to go, then so would bloated, pasty tourists
who want an exotic honeymoon.
No thanks.
(CHUCKLES)
You know, that's... that's exactly how I feel about Orlando.
(LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
Oh, my God.
My parents would love this.
Oh, really? Yeah.
They must be, like, super hippies.
Let me just put it this way
in college, they had a band called Hemp Hemp Hooray.
(LAUGHING) What?
That's... that's amazing.
Yeah.
Where do they live?
They live in Oregon growing God-knows-what on their farm.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
What about you? What about your parents?
My dad's fine.
He's up in Vermont, living the quiet life.
He's a retired... retired columnist, very heady.
Nice.
Yeah.
What about your mom? Where's your mom?
My mom and I had sort of, um...
sort of an up-and-down relationship.
Mostly down, I guess.
She left my dad for someone else who she thought was better
and kind of stopped talking to me in the process.
Just sort of... sort of cut us off.
So you guys don't talk at all anymore?
Um, no.
I... I got a card in the mail about three years ago.
No, four, actually, now.
God.
Yeah, it was from her new husband,
and it just said that she'd... she'd passed away.
But, you know, we hadn't talked in, like, five years,
so it was... it was... it was actually...
it wasn't as bad as it could have been.
I-I'm... I... I kind of hate talking about this stuff.
Yeah, no. Um... We don't have to talk about it.
I'm...
I'm so sorry.
No, no. It's okay.
It's all right. I'm just... I'm...
I'm just stoned, and it's a lot.
I love this stuff, though, you know?
(CHUCKLES)
I think we are who we are when we're with the people
that make us feel the most alive.
I don't know. I feel very alive right now.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(SNIFFLES)
I-I can't...
I can't decide which is better...
the fact that it's minus 20 degrees out
or the millions of twigs jabbing me in the ass right now.
(LAUGHS)
I know.
I have, like, a root jabbing me.
(BOTH LAUGH)
I'll jab you with a root.
(STIFLED LAUGHTER) Sorry.
That's... that's too bad,
'cause I really love dirty nature double entendres.
Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.
Try saying that ten times fast.
Dirty nature double entendres.
It can't be done. It's impossible.
Dirty... nature... double... entendres.
I think I can feel that root you were talking about.
Oh, dear. It's growing.
(LAUGHS)
Really?
Hey. Hey.
I think... I think we're good to go.
Yeah. Good.
Hey, um... I got to go help El with the rest of the stuff.
Okay.
I told her about my mother last night.
Such an idiot.
Guarantee she's putting the pieces together.
I don't know. She seems down.
Yeah.
El, she's down with the fake me.
It's fucking stupid.
I should never have done this.
Well, I don't know.
I think you're pretty awesome.
You just seem... (MUFFLED) I don't know. Mm.
You just need to...
to be totally honest with you right now...
Yeah?
What?
Are you driving?
Not at the moment, but I was about to.
Give me the keys.
(CHEERY MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC)
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Hello?
Hey, I love it, my man.
I love where this thing is going.
You do? Yeah.
That's... that's great.
I'm I'm I'm really glad you're into it.
I'm more than into it.
You got my elegant wife
and this pack of whores she runs with
cunt-bumping over this thing.
Oh, that's awful.
Yeah, trust me, no one's ever gonna call you
a hack writer again.
Okay, wait. Alan, who keeps...
Sorry. I got another call coming in.
I have to jump, okay?
I love you.
Okay.
Love you too.
Bobby. What have you got for me, Al?
Was that Birdie?
What? Uh, no.
It was Alan.
Oh.
You got to help me come up with a date for Birdie.
I've gone through everything on the page.
She hasn't updated it in weeks.
I need something.
So why don't you go somewhere
where you want to go for a change,
you know, something from your profile?
Yeah, but it's got to be up her alley.
You're up her alley, douche.
Well, how about the... that prop shop place you love?
Go there on a date?
What would we do?
Uh, shop, talk, not be obsessed with being someone else.
I don't know.
I have no idea if she'd be into that kind of stuff.
It seems incredibly risky.
Oh, man.
Nope. Got to stick to the plan.
Ooh! Oh, boy.
It's all coming back to you, right?
Oh, yeah.
It's like riding a bike...
A really steep, difficult bike.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, Jesus.
♪ And there comes a time ♪
♪ When you, when you... ♪
What is that?
Fuck!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
In third-century Japan...
♪ So quit ♪
♪ So quit all that runnin' ♪
♪ The birds on the street ♪
♪ Oh, the sweat in your pores ♪
♪ Oh, stay free ♪
Switch seats.
Why?
Ah!
(GIGGLES) (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
(RHYTHMIC SLOSHING)
Nosy parker.
Sorry.
I'm sorry it's raining.
(LAUGHING) Well, it's okay.
It's not entirely your fault.
Heh. Yeah.
I'm excited, though.
This seems really cool.
Well, don't get too excited.
I mean, I like it, but, you know, to each his own.
So they... they're props from all...
these are all props from movies.
They keep them here. This is so cool.
I love it. I feel like a kid in here.
I just want to play with everything.
Right? That's the point, and you can.
Yes.
I'm gonna wear this to the Kentucky Derby.
It's... I don't know if you're even doing a joke,
'cause it's... it's actually nice on you.
I'm gonna wear this to something.
(LAUGHS)
(GASPS) Oh, my God, look.
This is perfect. Oh, my God.
Look. Yes.
Oh.
(GASPS) That's so good.
Ah, it brings me back.
It's crazy.
It brings you back?
To what?
Your tour of duty in Iwo Jima?
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
No, what does it remind you of, though?
Seriously.
Oh... Nothing. I... nothing.
Oh, come on. I want to know. No, no, I was just...
It's not even like I'm, like, holding out
with some great thing.
Okay, so tell me. It's not a big deal.
I was... I was in the Boy Scouts.
I was a Boy Scout.
Ah, that's so cute.
Oh, God, why wouldn't you want to tell me that?
That's adorable!
Ah.
Did your parents make you do it as a kid?
Sort of.
You know, you can... People don't know this,
but you can be in the Boy Scouts till you're 18.
It's not just, like, little...
Were you in the Boy Scouts till you were 18?
Yeah. I wasn't as into... I was really more into it... I know.
See, it's not cute.
No, it's so good.
Wait, please tell me you still have the uniform.
Well, yeah.
Sadly, I think it probably fits me.
Okay, well, you're gonna have to wear this
for me at some point,
because I actually find that really sexy.
You do? I do.
It's weird, but I'm I'm serious.
Really?
Everyone's allowed, like, a nerdy skeleton in their closet.
Oh, yeah? Well, just one?
Actually, no.
You're allowed a whole closetful of nerd skeletons.
Well, I would... I would...
I would need an industrial-sized walk-in closet, then...
Oh, really?
For all my nerdy skeletons.
Give me another... give me another example, then.
No. A really nerdy one.
I mean, there are just so many.
No, I'm serious, really.
Just one more.
I feel like one nerdy skeleton a day revealed is...
No. No, I definitely...
The nerdier, the sexier.
You know that, right?
Okay.
Well, in that case, uh...
I was in a band.
That's not that nerdy. That's cool.
Well... Unless you're, like, a New Kid on the Block.
(LAUGHING) Yeah, exactly, yeah.
I was the... I was the lost Wahlberg brother.
I knew it!
I'm Wally Wahlberg.
You look so much alike.
Right? I get that all the time.
Mostly in the ab region.
No, really, what did you do?
Did you play guitar or something?
Uh... Oh, man.
What'd you do?
I... I did bass.
You did bass?
Mm-hmm.
That's either an expression I've never heard,
or something's going on here.
Well, I... yeah, I mean,
if you consider the voice an instrument, I played.
Were there any actual instruments in this band?
No, ma'am.
This is an a cappella group, isn't it?
Nope.
You were in an a cappella group.
In an a cappella band, yes.
I was in an a cappella band.
I can't believe you were in an a cappella group,
and you didn't tell me.
Well, why...
(LAUGHING) Why would I tell you that?
Because it's awesome, and we could have harmonized.
This is... is not so awesome.
There were as many women in this band
as there were instruments.
That's the...
This was an all-male a cappella group?
It was an all-male a cappella group.
Oh, my God.
Yes, ma'am.
It was a man band, so get it... get it straight.
Oh, there's nothing straight about it.
(BOTH LAUGH)
♪ There is to find ♪
♪ For I don't know ♪
♪ It's my first time ♪
(MUFFLED CONVERSATION)
I'm so disgusted right now.
I can't even... I'm out of here.
Go fuck yourself, Eliot!
(DOOR SLAMS)
What was that?
She saw all of it, man.
Jamie Lee Curtis, Kathleen Turner, Christie Brinkley.
Fuck Wait. Kathleen Turner?
Really?
Dude... I'm sorry.
Wait. Hold on. Hold on.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
She gave me an ultimatum.
(CHUCKLES)
Either the file goes or she goes, so she went.
Wait a second.
You're talking about a bunch of photos
of old celebrities that you jerk off to and your girlfriend,
and you picked the photos?
Just because I'm keeping the file
doesn't mean that I love her any less.
Why not just do whatever makes her happy?
Or if you got to keep 'em,
just lie to her and say you threw them out.
It's not just about the stupid fucking pictures!
I don't even... I don't care.
It's just how much of myself, of what makes me who I am,
can I just erase or... or throw out?
Fuck it. I'm sorry for waking you up.
It's okay.
So I have a surprise for the recital next Friday.
Oh, yeah? Yep.
You're full of surprises.
My parents are coming. Whoa.
Yeah. That's crazy.
They're really nice.
They're really mellow, so it's no pressure at all.
Okay.
(UPBEAT TANGO MUSIC)
Do you, um... Do you want to come upstairs for a nightcap?
A nightcap?
What year is this?
Shut up.
I assumed that you knew
that "nightcap" is a euphemism for sexy time.
Ah, no. No.
I never heard that.
I'd love to come up and nightcap you,
but I don't think the Indian food and the dance moves
are really joining in perfect harmony.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
Oh.
Well, s... yeah.
Just get some rest and call me if you need anything.
I will. I will.
You don't look good.
I'll be okay.
Well, tonight was really nice.
Yeah.
"I have learned that to be with those I like is enough."
(CHUCKLES)
It's... it's Walt Whitman.
Yeah, I know.
What?
Nothing. (CHUCKLES)
No, what?
Uh...
I think, um...
I think I'm falling in love with you.
Birdie, you're... you're amazing.
Good night.
Holy shit.
She said she loved me.
Can you believe that?
How could she possibly say that and mean it?
She loves me?
And she wants me to meet her parents on Friday.
El, she doesn't even know me, this girl.
Oh, man.
I am... I am eating ice cream in the middle of winter.
I'm quoting Whitman randomly.
If she thinks this is who I am,
she's in for a rude awakening.
That's all I can say.
I, uh... I got to write a little bit,
but if you need me, I'll be in my room.
Oh, how am I doing?
Oh, thanks so much for asking.
(UP-TEMPO PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Oh.
Hello?
Morning, sunshine.
Alan, hey.
What time is it?
Listen, it's early, but I couldn't wait.
I got those pages you emailed me last night.
Oh. Yeah?
You like?
I likey very much.
I likey long time.
That's why I'm calling.
I'm calling to see if we can get a pitch session
set together to come up with the ending
and go over some ideas for it.
Let's say next Friday at 6:00.
Oh, uh, actually, you know, I...
I got this dance recital thing.
(LAUGHS)
That's a good one.
But seriously, how's Friday gonna be, next Friday?
Uh, yeah, sure.
That'll work.
All right, it's on. I'm excited.
That's great. So what are you doing tonight?
I'd like to get my guy a beer.
You know, Alan, I can't.
My... This girl I've been seeing,
she's got this surprise planned for us.
All right. Listen, I got to go.
I got to get back to writing.
But I'll see you next Friday.
Okay. I'm psyched up. I love you, pal.
I love you too.
Triple Xs, triple Os.
You too.
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTS)
(CHUCKLES) I'm so excited.
Me too.
All right. I'm nervous.
Now, you have to close your eyes
till I tell you to open them.
Really? Yeah.
Okay.
I might need some help.
Yeah. I'll lead you.
Okay. Sorry.
All righty.
Here we go. Walk straight.
Okay.
Kay.
All right. Open 'em.
Kay.
Wow.
Isn't this awesome? Ha!
My friend works here.
Had to promise my first... born child to get the keys,
but what do you think?
Those are Andrew Wyeths.
I know.
He's my favorite artist.
Yeah, I know.
Really? Yeah.
You know who mine is?
No.
I don't have one.
(CHUCKLES)
Uh... Do you want some bourbon?
No, I'm good.
Really? Just a toast?
To what?
I don't know. To us.
Do you have anything besides bourbon?
No, no.
This is all I have.
Ah.
Yeah, no. I'm good.
That's crazy.
My mom used to wear her hair in braids just like this.
They call these the, uh... the Helga paintings.
Andrew's wife walked into his studio one day
and found, like, 240 paintings of this other woman.
Turns out it was their next-door neighbor Helga.
Well, life's a bitch.
(SIGHS)
God, I wish I could paint like that.
I bet you could.
You're so talented.
(LAUGHING) Oh, okay.
Are you, uh... are you hungry?
You want some food?
I just ate. It's okay.
Sam, what's going on?
What do you mean?
Do you want to be here right now?
What are you talking about?
Okay, I'm... I'm just starting to feel
like some annoying girl you just met
that you're trying to get rid of.
I-I-I have a lot of shit on my mind, is all.
But I'm making a lot of headway with my writing.
Really good stuff.
That Teen Vampire 2?
(CHUCKLES)
Is that what you think?
You think... you think I'm a hack writer, don't you?
No.
No, no. God.
No, that's not what I meant.
It's all right. I get it.
You know, I... I kind of prefer this to the Wyeths.
Is this because I-I told you that I...
you know, about what I said the other night?
Come on.
I see what's going on here.
It's a little weird, don't you think?
I mean, you invite me to this private viewing
of your favorite artist's paintings
with your favorite liquor
and your favorite bread and your favorite cheese.
If you're not into it, we don't have to...
No, no, no.
I get it, okay?
I'm... I'm meat loaf, and you want fucking filet mignon.
What are you even talking about?
I'm exhausted!
The rock climbing, the guitar, and the cooking...
The cooking?
I'm just trying to keep up with you, Birdie,
and it's not easy.
Okay, no.
I don't want you to keep up with me, okay?
That... none of that stuffs important to me.
Can I tell you something?
Honestly, I think you're better off with someone else.
Like Tony... outgoing, talented, worldly.
He's... he's perfect for you.
What? No.
Tony is my friend, okay?
Dating the guy was a complete nightmare.
You're being ridiculous.
Am I really?
Who's my favorite author?
I don't... I don't know.
Carlos Castaneda?
No. What's my favorite dessert?
(SCOFFS) I don't know.
Why don't you tell me?
See, don't you think it's strange
that y... y... you don't know those things?
Uh, no.
Honestly, no.
There's a lot of stuff you don't know about me, either.
But what's the point?
We are so different.
There... there's too much...
I've barely traveled,
and you're like a fucking Peace Corps veteran.
I don't even know...
What do you see in me, huh?
And what's to say you won't just take off and leave
whenever you want?
That is kind of your philosophy, right?
When life gives you something better,
you just... you take off.
Right?
That's what you think?
You think I'm just waiting around
till something better comes along?
Well, I don't know. You tell me.
That was the first time
I've ever told a guy that I love him.
Do you know how shitty it was for me
to get that response from you?
So why are you here?
Because, idiot...
I like you, whether you choose to believe it or not.
So if you don't think that I know you because I don't know
what your fucking favorite dessert is, then please tell me
so I can stop imagining
that this might actually go somewhere.
♪ One more drink fore I split town ♪
♪ Pulled up in a rose-pink Cadillac ♪
♪ He was singing with the top down Girl from the North ♪
♪ Dylan and Johnny Cash ♪
♪ He won the car in a card game ♪
♪ Listened to the boss ♪
♪ And keeps his clothes in a gunnysack ♪
"♪ She said, " Tell you what, sailor ♪
♪ "If you take me out of here, I'll do anything that you ask ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't want to die like the people down here ♪
"♪ but I feel that I'm fading fast" ♪
♪ And he looked over to her chestnut hair ♪
♪ And said, "I don't believe in love" ♪
♪ But he knew good and well she was the only girl there ♪
♪ So he figured it was close enough ♪
Hey! Hey! Hold it!
Hold it! Fuck! Hey!
Thank you.
Hi. How are you? I have an...
There he is. Alan.
The writing machine. Hey.
How you doing? Good.
I'm surprised you got any blood in those fingers
after all the writing you've been doing.
Yeah.
Get yourself in here. Okay.
You know my partner, Scott.
Yes. We spoke on the phone.
How are you? So nice to meet you.
Yeah. Welcome. Sit down. Thank you.
I like the man bag.
Oh, thanks, Alan.
I like what it says about you.
Yeah?
Hope there's a couple more gems in that one.
Well, me too.
Help yourself to a pastry, a little fruit.
No, thank you.
Why don't you knock out a cantaloupe?
You've been writing, cooped up.
It's got some micronutrients in it.
Knock a cantaloupe out.
Okay.
Yeah.
Pop it in there.
Eat it.
Okay, so as an overall, general note,
the stream-of-consciousness narration's working great.
Great.
It is very clear that this guy is beyond lost
and has no clue how to navigate his own obtuse actions.
Okay, but what I like is,
he doesn't understand how the real world works... Right.
And he's too afraid to show himself to the real world,
and these are the seeds of his own undoing.
Oh, I don't... He's a child. Yes.
He's wandering alone in the woods, right,
lost in the ether of his own neuroses.
And this is powerful stuff. Yeah.
He's saying you wrote the perfect pussy.
The perfect pussy? Yeah, the perfect pussy.
Now, around chapter 12... and I'm sorry to interrupt...
but it's at this point in the story that it's pretty obvious
that I completely side with the girl.
See, for me, it's more around 11 or 10.
With the girl? Are you kidding?
Well, I think what you do is great,
'cause you have a protagonist,
and then you, like a relay race, hand off the baton and say,
"Now we're gonna root for this girl."
And I think you do it in a way that's elegant
but, at the same time, not subtle.
Yeah, and if I may, like, how do you not love her?
And he is such a spineless, pathetic...
He's a eunuch, is what he is.
That's exactly... You know what I'm saying?
And I don't mean it literally, 'cause, clearly, they have...
there's scenes between 'em that we know what we're talking about,
but he's a eunuch in more ways than one.
I, uh... So the point is...
Do you feel what I'm saying, though?
I do. So okay.
How would this metaphorical "eunuch"
be at all redeemable in her eyes?
Hold on, guys.
All due respect,
this was not my intention when I wrote the story at all.
This was not what I was going for.
Come again?
Well, I mean, she's so carried away with this whole thing.
She's the one that puts pressure on it.
She... she makes it heavy.
No.
What... how can you say that?
There's no real connection between them.
It's not his fault.
No connection? They were in love.
He just wasn't cognizant enough to see it.
Exactly, and now all she can do
is accept the fact that he's completely inept.
That's right. He had it.
He lost it because he suffocated her with his own fear.
In the end, I mean, it's obvious
that it can only be one thing,
and that's that he's destined to be alone.
And it's really honest, and it's really simple.
Uh-huh.
He's cut everyone out.
He's gonna continue to do that.
It's not like he's gonna get over his issues with his mom
and all that stuff.
He's giving up on something great.
He's gonna spend the rest of his life
crippled by the fact that he wasn't able to show her love.
And if he did wake up,
it would be a lot of substances and a lot of years later.
Mm-hmm.
And at that point, she would have banged half of Manhattan,
so he wouldn't want her anyway, So romance or no romance,
it's... it's over with.
Yeah.
(TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)
That was insane!
Mercedes and Roberto!
(APPLAUSE)
Hey! Taxi!
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)
You better hang on to your oxygen tanks,
ladies and gentlemen,
because up next, we have Henry and Harriet.
(APPLAUSE)
Cookie and Fritz, everybody!
Cookie and Fritz!
One more time!
We only have a few couples left.
On deck, the lovely Birdie and her companion,
the delectable Raymond.
But first, Earl and Sally,
or, as they're known collectively...
Wow Factor.
What are you guys doing here? What are you doing here?
We came to watch Birdie dance.
Where is she? She's over there.
She's about to go on.
Okay.
Give me your stuff. Give me your stuff.
Okay.
Get yourself together.
Oh, my God. You look crazy.
Huh?
Oh, shoot.
Okay. Good?
Get in there.
How are you guys doing?
We're... we're great.
Yeah. We're... we're compromising.
Compromising.
That's great.
That's so good.
Get in there.
All right. Okay.
Birdie.
Hi.
You look amazing.
Where... where are your parents?
Um, I... I called them off.
I didn't think you were coming.
Right. Sorry.
Can we go somewhere for a second and just talk?
Can I-I need to...
We can talk right here.
I love you.
Oh, Sam, you... you don't have to...
I know. I know.
But I-I do.
I am in love with you.
I love you so much.
It feels really good to say.
I'm sorry I didn't say it the other day, but I didn't know
if I knew in the right way,
but now I know that I-I-I knew in every way.
I knew it.
I know it, you know?
(SIGHS)
Does that make any sense?
Not really.
Okay, wait.
The guy that you fell in love with... You.
No, the guy who, like, plays guitar and likes pedicures
and is thinking about getting a tattoo...
that's not entirely who I am.
I based all of that on your Facebook page
because I-I wanted to be your ideal guy.
(SNIFFLES)
I know.
What?
I know.
You're not exactly the most subtle guy in the world, Sam.
You knew the whole time?
Yeah.
The Origin of Species? Come on.
I'm sorry.
I didn't want to put myself out there
and not have a connection.
I was so afraid.
But it's there.
It's been there the whole time.
Can we please start over, Birdie?
♪ With every passing day ♪
♪ I'll be ♪
No.
But we can pick up where we left off.
(SIGHS)
Oh, thank you.
I can't believe you knew about the profile thing,
and you didn't tell me.
Yeah, I even... I even started putting stuff on there
just to see if you would do it.
Are you kidding?
No. Like the rock climbing?
What? Yeah.
That was the worst!
You're the worst! (LAUGHS)
Hey, can I tell you something now?
I should come clean with this.
I was actually making up
the whole male a cappella group thing.
Mm.
Nice try.
(CHUCKLES)
Ladies and gentlemen,
I believe we have a change in the roster this evening.
Scratch Raymond.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
This dance will be Birdie and...
Whoever you are.
May I have this dance?
Yes.
What the fuck?
Oh, Raymond, I'm so sorry.
Let me explain.
My girlfriend didn't know I was coming to this thing
'cause I'm kind of a jackass.
You better watch out.
If you ever leave her side again, I'm swooping in!
Don't worry about that.
(THE MORNING BENDERS' EXCUSES PLAYING)
(DRAMATIC ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC)
So...
Did you finish your book?
Almost.
But I think the ending's about to change.
♪ You tried to taste me ♪
♪ And I taped my tongue ♪
♪ To the southern tip of your body ♪
♪ But bones are too heavy to come up ♪
♪ Squished into a single cell of wood ♪
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
♪ And I made an excuse ♪
♪ And you found another way ♪
♪ To tell the truth ♪
♪ I put no one else above us ♪
♪ We'll still be best friends ♪
♪ When all turns to dust ♪
♪ Dust ♪
♪ Dum, da-dum ♪
♪ Da-dum ♪
♪ Da-da, dum ♪
♪ Da-dum ♪
♪ Da-da, dum ♪
♪ Da-dum ♪
♪ Da-da, dum ♪
♪ Da-dum ♪
♪ Da-dum ♪ ♪ Da-da-da, da-da ♪
♪ Da-da, dum ♪
♪ Da-dum ♪
♪ Da-dum ♪ ♪ Da-da-da, da-da ♪
♪ Da-da, dum ♪
♪ Da, da, da, da ♪
♪ Da-dum ♪
♪ Da-da, dum ♪
♪ Da, da, da, da ♪
♪ We are so smooth now ♪
♪ Da-da-da, da-da da, da ♪
♪ Our edges are beaten ♪
♪ Driftwood whittled down ♪
♪ Da-da-da, da-da da, da ♪
♪ Old bodies slip ♪
♪ When they make love ♪
♪ Da-da-da, da-da, da, da ♪
♪ We'll mine our sparks ♪
♪ To shoot us above ♪
♪ Da-da-da, da-da, da, da ♪
♪ Above ♪
♪ Da-da-da, da-da-da, da ♪
♪ Above ♪
♪ Da-da-da, da-da, da, da ♪
♪ Above ♪
♪ Da-da-da, da-da, da, da ♪
♪ Above ♪
♪ Da-da-da, da-da, da, da ♪
♪ Above ♪
♪ Da-da-da, da-da, da, da ♪
♪ Dum ♪
♪ Da-dum ♪
♪ Da-da-da, da-da, da, da ♪
♪ Da-dum ♪
♪ Da-da-da, da-da, da, da ♪
♪ Da-dum ♪
(MUSIC FADES)
(MEN VOCALIZING)
♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪
♪ Doo-doo-bop ♪
♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun ♪
♪ New love is a-coming ♪
♪ Wine and roses all the way ♪
♪ Little girl, stop crying ♪
♪ I will take your blues away ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ I'm in love with you ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ I'll be true to you ♪
♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop doo-doo-bop ♪
♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪
♪ Um-bum-bum-bum-bum ♪
♪ New love is a-coming ♪
♪ Kiss me, honey, wear my ring ♪
♪ You know I've been smiling ♪
♪ Pleasantries are on the wing ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ I'm in love with you ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ I'll be true to you ♪
♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop doo-doo-bop ♪
♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪
♪ Um-bum-bum-bum-bum ♪
♪ New love is a-coming ♪
♪ Kiss me, honey, wear my ring ♪
♪ You know I've been smiling ♪
♪ Pleasantries are on the wing ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ I'm in love with you ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ I'll be true to you ♪
♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop doo-doo-bop ♪
♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪
♪ Um-bum-bum-bum-bum ♪
♪ New love is a-coming ♪
♪ Wine and roses all the way ♪
♪ Little girl, stop crying ♪
♪ I will take your blues away ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ I'm in love with you ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ I'll be true to you ♪
♪ Doo-dun, doo-dun, doo-doo, doo, doo-dun ♪
♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop doo-doo-wop ♪
♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪