Subtitles by explosiveskull
Put that chair back.
Oh, but it's... it's so early, and then the light...
- it's gonna make your eyes pop. - Please?
Where's the red and white striped sweater
I put out for you to wear?
At the bottom of a bin labeled "Never gonna happen."
Did someone scare you?
You know it's 6:00 a.m. on a school day in September?
Go, you're making me late.
I know you struggle with your masculinity, Jeff,
but just take one for the team today, okay?
I'm here with you, so I already am.
Oh, am I keeping you from rescuing a cat
from a tree or putting out another barbecue?
Don't start, Calista.
I've stayed home to engage in your photo obsession
when I should be at the firehouse.
Frat house is more like it.
Don't you think wearing the same color skirt
and tights would make your legs look less stumpy?
All righty, two and two like on the ark.
- Let's go, let's go. - Same as last time?
Yes, right here, same as last time.
Okay, that's, uh... whatever, okay.
Posture.
You could just shoot us individually
and then Photoshop us in.
Or you could just shoot us.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
There we go, that's more flattering.
All righty, whatever will make you people smile, huh?
Smile.
Think Christmas. Think reindeer, reindeer.
Just take the picture!
I really hate him.
You're incredible, Laurie.
I don't know where I'd be without you.
No, that... that's perfect.
It's exactly what we want, yeah.
I don't know how you do it.
Laurie, you're the best.
I just... I just don't know
how I would get through all this
without you, honestly.
Laurie saved this fire station from closure.
You are awesome.
Emily, do not eat that!
Those are called skinny jeans,
and the stretch is in the fabric,
not the waistband.
Calista, really?
Here, I made you a protein shake.
- I am not drinking that. - I'm gonna call you back.
That's my ride.
Wow, huh, look at the time.
We took our holiday family photo this morning...
total waste of time.
I don't know how you juggle all that stuff.
I only have a goldfish, and I forget to feed it
at least twice a week.
Hi, girls!
Hi.
Don't overdo it.
We don't want her coming over here... too early.
- Okay, so... - Okay.
Is she still doing that clown gig?
I thought she was a mime.
Mimes don't talk.
Oh, yeah.
- Whoa, you okay? - Yeah.
All right, let's try this. Try to get one rep up.
And just one... um.
Everything okay with you and Jeff?
Ugh, I wouldn't know.
When he's not at the firehouse,
he's working on his fundraiser with Laurie.
Who's that?
Some 20-something firehouse skank
who's got her eye on Jeff.
Laurie, sounds like she should have back hair
and a thick ribcage.
He's got the nerve to criticize
how I handle the kids.
I keep everything in perfect order at home,
but he can't stop gushing about how Laurie is so helpful.
Well, here's an idea. You could show up and help Jeff,
push that bitch out of the way.
Nah, if it's anything like our marriage,
he'll just hump her into a boredom coma anyway.
That's so sad. For him.
Oh, Dina, that's what I want.
Training sessions?
No, I want that trainer.
Oh, he's so shiny and new.
Careful, gal, you could chip a veneer on that thing.
If I'm lucky.
There you go.
You sound like one of those desperate leopards.
It's cougar, and I am not that old.
Pretty sure it's leopards, but whatever.
Doing okay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, he's coming over.
Oh.
Going a little fast there, Cal.
Can I get a hand?
Help me.
Push the button, Cal. Push the button.
Calista, you're going too... push the button.
Press the button.
Oh!
Holy crap.
Where am I?
Middle ground.
What am I, a Hobbit?
No, you're just one dead bitch.
Oh, God, oh.
- Dina, Dina, what, what, what? - Oh, my God, Jeff.
What? What?
I can't be dead.
I have a nail appointment this afternoon.
Let's talk about this in my office, come on.
Wh... you...
Have a seat.
And who are you?
- My name is Daniel. - Daniel.
And this is Cali.
Well, hello.
What the hell?
When you hit that window,
your soul split in two.
It's called split soul syndrome.
It's fairly rare, but it really separates the good from the bad.
Why, if she's so bad, then just get rid of her.
Seriously?
You think Cali's the problem?
Uh-huh, yes, I do.
Cali is your better half, Calista,
the fun, spontaneous,
loving part of you that you seldom let loose.
And there's a very good reason for that.
Okay, so maybe she's a little light on oxygen right now
from being cooped up inside that bag of bones you call a body,
but once her blood gets circulating,
I'm sure she'll be fine.
At least I think she'll be fine.
All right, according to my notes,
she is eligible for entry into heaven,
but you, well, you have some issues to resolve.
That's why you're here in purgatory.
Purgatory?
Okay, let's just, um, rewind here.
Uh, you're seriously telling me
that I can't get into heaven, but that can?
Yes, I am seriously telling you that.
No.
No, no, this is unacceptable.
No.
Where was she when I was running the carpool
all those years, huh?
You try transporting a serial farter, a chronic nose picker,
and the kid with the world's smallest bladder
five days a week.
Are you finished?
No.
I have been the perfect wife and mother, okay?
I did all the hard stuff that she could never handle.
I can't.
Now I'm finished.
Yes, you are.
This is... this is a huge misunderstanding, see?
I'm... I'm not evil.
Evil, no, but do you really think
you've set your family on the right path?
Yeah, yeah.
Sister, you are one deluded soul.
Let's see how the perfect wife
and mother has been doing so far.
Your husband already has one foot out the door.
If he wasn't such a good man, he'd be gone already.
Now, if someone more appreciative
were to come along...
- You okay, Captain? - Uh, Laurie.
Oh, like her, for example.
Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm just...
just a little worried about the fundraiser tomorrow night.
Well, then, I don't know what would happen.
Yeah, if it doesn't go well,
the mayor's office will shut us down, so.
Hey, I know you're not always appreciated at home,
but I want you to know how much you mean to all of us,
especially me.
Oh, he should pick her. She's so pretty and nice.
Hey, dumbass, that's my husband.
Our husband.
Your daughter Emily, thanks to you,
has some serious body issues.
Really, Em? I mean, that dress
makes you look bigger than you already are.
Are you serious?
We were twice her size when we were her age.
And how much fun was that?
Well, as you'll see, Emily will do
whatever it takes to be popular.
Like, man, that's perfect.
Dang, Trey, she never saw the camera?
Hey, Emily.
Looking hot today.
Thanks for the ride this morning.
What exactly do you see in her?
Me.
Smile for the camera.
That kid's a real a-hole.
Meanwhile, Dalton has become a punching bag at school,
but perfect mom's too busy to notice.
You keep talking, you little snitch,
and I'll stuff your tampon
so far down your throat you'll be pissing
Q-Tips for a week.
Ah!
Dalton's using tampons now?
Huh, they grow up so fast.
He's a boy, you idiot.
Okay, that's enough.
Now, you can't stay here, neither one of you.
What are you gonna do, toss us off the nearest cloud?
That's a great idea.
But my boss has decided that you need to go back down
to clean up the mess you made with your family.
Oh.
So you're getting a second chance
to set your family on the right path,
let them know that you love them,
and give them a chance to truly love you,
as difficult as that may be.
- So wait, we both go? - Are you listening?
I can't keep half a soul here,
and I can't send half a soul upstairs,
but one thing is for sure.
If you fail to set things right with your family,
you both get sent downstairs.
Ooh, what do you keep downstairs?
Hades, hell, the bottomless pit,
Gehenna, el infierno, the land of eternal damnation.
Okay, okay, we get it.
At least I get it.
So how long do we have?
- 48 hours. - That's it?
Yes, ma'am. Is that a problem?
Would it matter if I said yes?
- No. - Then no.
How will we know if we're done?
- There'll only be one of you. - Huh?
See you soon.
Come to Cardiology, Dr. Theresa Campbell.
Please come to Cardiology.
I think Mom's trying to wake up.
What?
Dad, get help, hurry.
- You're welcome. - Make it tight.
- It looks good. - Thank you.
Is that tight enough?
Help, I need a doctor!
My wife, I think she's waking up.
Let's go!
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, ow, ow! - Oh, ow!
What the hell are you doing?
I'm so sorry. I was just checking your eye...
- That wasn't a question. - But we need to look
- at your pupils to make sure... - Don't talk.
- But the doctor told me to... - Stop talking!
- And she's back. - Mrs. Ryan, I'm Dr. Goodbody.
How do you feel?
Well, I have a headache now.
Ahh.
Ooh.
Does anybody else see that?
There's nothing there, Mom.
Yeah, Mrs. Ryan, you've had a traumatic injury.
And I have lots to do and only 48 hours to do it in.
No, no, no, honey, honey.
Mrs. Ryan, you're gonna stay right here.
We're keeping you for observation.
Here's an observation. You are a strange little man.
- Calista, please, be nice. - Yeah.
Look, Doc, I'm fine. Daniel said so.
- Who's Daniel? - Who's Daniel?
Oh, never mind.
Look, I know it's a miracle I'm alive.
- It is a miracle. - Yeah, yeah, I promise
I'll thank the head honcho when I see him
in a couple of days...
Go, go.
Oh.
- Honey? - Flies.
Mom, we almost lost you.
I think you need to stay here and rest.
Yeah, Mom, just listen to the doctor.
We'll be okay.
No, no, no, you won't.
Calista, you're staying.
You know, all the doorbell ringing was Morse code for,
- "I need my ass kicked." - Mm.
Hi, Daniel.
Did you run out of souls to reap?
- We need to talk, Gwen. - So talk.
You know that if it was up to me,
I would have sent you downstairs a long time ago.
Well, then I guess I'm lucky it's not up to you.
Are you coming in or not?
Hey, everyone, guess who's here?
Hey, Daniel.
You're still watching Fran's son?
Yeah.
Sorry sap's in love with a girl.
Spent all his money to buy her a ring,
and then he loses it before he can give it to her.
She is so gonna dump that loser.
So Gwen, you in or not?
Of course I'm in.
Daniel, what do you think, fold or bet?
Fran here's a tricky one.
- Hmm. - I came by to let you know
that your daughter Calista was here.
Was?
That girl has more issues than "Penthouse."
How'd she get out so fast?
Well, she had a terrible accident at the gym.
A treadmill spit her out and sent her right through a window.
I told her those places were deathtraps.
In my day if you wanted exercise,
you took out the trash.
- Right. - Her soul split in two.
Now she and Cali are back on earth trying to fix their family
so they can move on from here.
If they fail, well, you know where they'll end up.
Sounds like a great plan.
Let me know how that works out, will you?
So you're not at all concerned
that they face eternal damnation if they fail?
Really, Gwen?
No, everyone loves a good barbecue.
Gwen?
What do you want me to do?
Calista never listens to me anyway.
I have spent my weight in pokes trying to get her attention.
No more.
Taking care of a baby is easy.
I already take care of the fish
and the plants, and they're doing great.
Well, if you really think we're ready for kids,
then, um, hmm, let's do it.
Yay!
These things are useless.
Maybe if you read the instructions
in the welcome guide you'd know what pokes can accomplish
in connecting to the living.
Why does everyone throw away the instructions?
I don't know, Daniel.
I've read them, but my husband
doesn't pay any attention to my pokes either.
Susie Q, slamming the head of your husband's
new girlfriend in a car door doesn't count.
It made me feel good though.
Squish.
I'm going to leave now so you ladies can finish gambling
away your future and your past,
but Gwen, you know very well that you sent Calista down
the road she traveled,
and now your grandkids are headed down the same path.
- See you. - There you go.
Excuse me?
Ooh. Um, I... um, I lost, um,
just something.
Um, uh, hello?
The lost and found box is over there.
Oh, I went right past it.
That's crazy.
Hey, ninja hooker, off to defend your street corner?
Nope.
I'm gonna do something that you could never relate to,
hang out with friends.
- Who's the lucky John? - Ha, funny.
While you're playing with your joystick,
I'm gonna be hanging out with Trey Thompson.
- Wow, huh. - What's your problem?
Seriously? You can't be that stupid.
Okay, maybe you can.
You know about Trey's infamous sex videos, don't you?
I know you're secretly in man lust with Trey,
but now you're filming him too?
Ooh, that's disturbing even for you.
Later.
- Oh. - Shh, hi.
- What are you doing here? - Shh.
- What the hell are you wearing? - I couldn't just walk around
looking like you, now, could I?
And this is better?
You look like the reject pile from the Salvation Army.
Don't eat those!
I'm not Emily. You can't starve me.
Is everything okay in here?
Yes, of course. This is my cousin, Bruce?
Paging Dr. Goldberg, Dr. Larry Goldberg.
- Nice to meet you, Bruce. - Hey.
- Enjoy the cookies. - I will.
No, you won't.
I had to get all that post-Twinkie baby weight
off your fat ass,
so back away from the carbs.
You can't control me anymore, Barbie.
I have a brain of my own now.
I think you're using the word brain a little too liberally.
Okay, I'm just gonna chalk
your nasty attitude up to hunger.
I'm here to help, and I've got a plan.
Oh, I can't wait to hear this.
Okay, I think I should work on Jeff,
and you should work on the kids.
Why exactly?
Because, silly, Jeff married me.
Excuse me?
Jeff married you when you were me,
before you were you and became the you you are now.
Wait, what? Yeah, yeah.
I did not push him away.
You know what? I'm not arguing about this.
Go ahead. You handle Jeff.
Daniel may think you are
my better half, but he is so wrong.
- We'll see about that. - Oh, shut up already.
Mm-hmm.
What's going on in here?
I'm sorry, visiting hours are over.
Aww, what a shame.
Bye, Brucie.
- That was fun. - She's twice as annoying now.
- So you're sure you're okay? - Yes, and please stop asking.
Uh, all right, then.
I guess I'll get the kids to school.
Wait, I want to try something.
I love you.
And I love you.
Um.
We love you too?
There.
Doesn't everyone feel better?
Like you're fixed?
Sure.
Yes, great.
See, Daniel, I didn't even need 48 hours.
Beam me up. I'm ready.
Okay, well, um, if you need anything, call me.
Kids?
Bye, Mom. Feel better.
Yeah, mom, get some rest. I'll be home late.
I'm working on the homecoming float.
What?
We all love each other.
What more do you want?
There you are, Daniel.
You left me at the hospital.
That was the idea.
How did you get here, anyway?
Oh, I ran. You are so athletic.
No thanks to you and your binge eating.
So, have you fixed everything yet?
Apparently not.
You're still here.
Well, I'm here to help.
I just need your credit card and some clothes.
- For what? - For the plan, goofball.
What plan?
Okay, we agreed I would work on Jeff
and you would work on the kids.
Yeah, well, good luck with that.
He's at the fire station.
Okay.
Daniel might be trying to tell us something.
You think?
We only have 36 hours left. I better get to the school.
Be nice.
Rock, would you please lose the Elvis hair,
the makeup before you go on call?
The ER nurses are now referring to you as Rocky Horror.
Really? 'Cause the ladies
seemed to love me till just about 45 minutes ago.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Don't force me to use this screwdriver.
Understood, Captain.
Morning, all.
Hi, Captain.
Morning.
What's this?
I made some fliers for the fundraiser.
Wow, they're great.
Thanks, Laurie.
Well, hey, what are work wives for?
Oh.
Ma'am? Ma'am?
Ma'am, excuse me, ma'am.
Ma'am? Ma'am, stop.
What?
I'm gonna have to ask you to check in at the office.
Shh.
See, I'm stalking my kids right now,
so they really can't know that I'm here, okay?
Security, we've got a code red in hallway B.
Bye.
It's too big, Jeff.
I can't even get my hands around it.
Stop twisting. Let me slide it in.
There. Okay.
Oh, man, that's really tight.
Well, you said you didn't want it all loose
like the last one.
Hey, you two.
Talking about a hose, just... just talking about a big hose.
It's not that big. It's a hose.
Calista, what are you doing here?
Oh, I just... you surprised to see me, sweetheart?
Yeah, of course. You should be at home resting.
Well, I came to support my husband
and to help with the fundraiser.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, I'd love another body. - I bet.
Oh!
So are you gonna help her, Gwen?
Yeah, I guess, but only
because I want to see what she pulls next.
So where do I start?
How about you work on the party music playlist with Frank?
Yeah, he always sneaks rather hardcore gangster
rap into the mix.
Oh, wow. We wouldn't want that,
now, would we?
Yeah, oh, my God.
- Hey, hi. - Oh, hi.
- Can I help? - Yeah, of course.
- Awesome. - You want to help?
- Yeah, I'd love to, yeah. - Sure.
Got bad news.
- Band just canceled. - What?
But they're the entertainment for tomorrow night.
Elvis is still available though, baby.
Yeah, Rock, and there's a reason for that.
Um, okay, well, we'll just have to go back through the list.
It's so good, right?
- Play it out loud. - Okay.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Go get it. Go get it.
What's going on?
Come on, boys.
Dance with me. Yeah.
Hey, Jeff, remember this one?
Yeah, isn't that the Macarena?
Very good, boys.
Oh, so good.
Um, sorry to interrupt, Captain, but we have to get
to that budget meeting with the mayor?
Oh, yeah, right.
Uh, thanks, Laurie.
Sorry, Calista, got to go.
No worries. I got to go, too,
and find you some entertainment.
Oh, I know just who to call.
Could you? That would be amazing.
Of course, as long as you can come home for dinner tonight?
Deal.
What kind of entertainment?
Oh, I can't tell you that.
Just know it will be spectacular.
I told you to back off, nut jockey.
You told Jenny about the uploads you found online.
So the best way to hide secret videos is to post them online?
I'm gonna make you wish you never opened your mouth.
What?
- Ahh! - Ahh!
Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's really bad.
That stings, that stings.
Oh, wow! Oh!
Oh, my God!
Mr. Ryan, thank you for coming on such short notice.
As I'm sure you are probably aware,
we take the use of weapons on school grounds
very seriously.
Of course, but I'm not sure I understand what happened.
Your wife here has pepper sprayed your son,
another student, and herself in a school hallway.
- You did what? - It's not what it sounds like.
Because it sounds like you assaulted two minors
with toxic gas a small, constricted, public space.
Okay, it is what it sounds like,
but I had a very good reason.
Dalton, are you okay?
I just want to go home.
I don't think I can come back here ever,
and I'm pretty sure I'm blind too.
Well, it appears that none of this is your fault, Dalton,
so you are now free to go home.
I hope your mother has not caused you permanent eye damage.
But you, Mrs. Ryan, you are now banned from school property.
What? You can't do that!
Oh, yes, I can. I just did.
How is the other boy?
Thank you for asking, Mr. Ryan.
I think he will recover.
I'm meeting with his parents later today.
Yeah, well, I hope you tell them to keep their douchebag,
jerkhead, assface bully son away from our son.
Calis... Calista, p...
Okay.
Well, now that you mention it, Mrs. Ryan,
I was hoping to avoid costly litigation
and possible prosecution of you.
Thank you, Principal McCarthy. That would be most appreciated.
My wife hit her head pretty hard yesterday
and is apparently still recovering.
- I... - Head injuries, yes,
we've all been there.
How can you get in that much trouble since leaving
the fire station?
I know... it's like there's two of me, huh?
I got to get back to work,
and now I'm late for the mayor's budget meeting,
and I'm sure he's gonna make me and the crew pay for it.
Just tell him you were in the principal's office.
Very funny. Get some rest.
Um, call me if things get any, well, weirder, okay?
Thanks, Dad.
I am so sorry, D. I...
I know you were trying to help me in your own twisted way.
Stop helping me.
Whoa. What happened to you?
Uh, I caught the bully beating up Dalton at school,
so I shot him with pepper spray.
Good.
Not good.
I also sprayed myself and Dalton.
He's upstairs disowning me right now.
At least you haven't upset Emily yet, right?
Then again, it's early.
- So how did you do with Jeff? - Oh, great.
I volunteered to help out with the fundraiser,
and I got him coming home
for a few hours of sexy time later tonight.
Well, I wouldn't count on that.
He's starting to think that we're crazy.
No, no, he thinks you're crazy.
With me, he wants to get crazy, oh, oh, what?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ho, no, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, oh, oh, God. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, that's enough. Just stop.
- How do they do that? - Okay.
Yes, I get... I get your point.
Ow, I just hurt my back.
That's just... that... that is disturbing.
I have to go clean up and then make a start on Emily.
Yeah, cool. You know what?
I'm gonna go talk to Dalton.
- Good luck with that. - Yeah, okay.
Hey. Can I come in?
I'm unarmed.
I'm not mad at you anymore.
So what's his problem, anyway?
Pretty sure it's the money he eats for lunch.
Must give him acid reflux or something.
No, I mean what's his problem with you?
Um, he's been into some pretty nasty stuff,
and I called him on it.
Well, is there anything I can do to help?
You mean other than shoot him with pepper spray?
Oh, yeah.
Well, what about your friends?
Mom, when you're the sole target of the biggest bully
in school,
you're about as popular as someone with communicable
ball cancer.
Oh, you know, you can always talk to me.
Well, I've tried,
but you just get so emotionally invested in my problems.
It worries me.
Really?
Haven't you been living here for the past 14 years?
Oh, I'm so sorry, Dalton.
I should never be too busy for you.
Oh, Mom, Mom, I don't want you
to solve my problems for me,
but you should pretend to listen like dad does.
Okay, I get it.
Promise me you'll let me know if things get worse?
- Yeah. - Come here.
You know I love you, right?
Yeah, but it's nice to hear you say it every 14 years or so.
Fair enough.
Calista?
There's my big, hot hunk of man meat.
Um, what are you wearing?
Oh, I was such a bad little girl today,
made you late for your budget meeting.
I think I deserve a spanking.
This... this outfit's a little disturbing.
I... I feel like your very dirty uncle.
Okay, okay, that works for me. Let's go with that.
Oh, Uncle Jeff...
- Oh, um, don't move. - Oh, okay.
Hi, Mr. Ryan.
Oh, look, more scout girls.
We brought you cookies.
Oh, no, that's not what you think.
Did I hear someone say cookies?
Yay. Thank you.
I told you not to move.
Yeah, you put me in the corner and told me not to move.
Oh, um, this is not... this is not...
She's... she's silly.
He doesn't like bad little girls.
Uh, she didn't mean that.
I really do like bad little girls.
Uh, I mean...
Save it, sicko.
Uh-oh.
Oh, um...
Hey, Em, check out these old fireworks
I found in my dad's warehouse.
We can make our dragon breathe real fire.
I don't know.
Those look pretty dangerous, not to mention illegal.
Remember, Trey? Her daddy's a fireman.
She's a good girl.
Is that true, Emily?
You never do anything bad?
Maybe I'm a bad girl in training.
Ooh.
So how late can you stay out tonight?
We're all going to Eric's after this.
I don't know.
I have to get home, but maybe I can come over later?
That would be very cool.
Don't worry about the fireworks.
We can make our own
and get some more booze.
Oh, oh, oh!
Ooh, ooh!
Emily just got home. Did you see her?
I did, but she didn't see me.
Did you know she's a bad girl in training now?
- What does that mean? - Oh, I don't know,
and I don't plan on letting her friends find out either.
How did you do with Jeff?
He's upstairs icing. Sexy time went bad.
I'll get it.
- Well, what do I do? - Hide.
Right, right, yeah.
But if it's the scout girls, run.
- Can I help you? - Um, is Emily here?
Is that alcohol on your breath?
No, it's beer.
Hey, is that the dragon head?
No. Girls, I don't think that...
I've got it, Mom.
Wait a minute, Em.
- I need to talk to you now. - What?
You're not driving anywhere with those girls.
They're drunk.
We're not driving.
We're walking to Eric's house to work on the float.
You just got home from working on the float.
Yeah, but some freak ran off with our dragon head,
and now we got to fix it...
- Everything okay? - Wow, what happened to you?
Huh?
Dad, Mom is acting crazy again.
- I am not. - It's only 8:00.
I'm not going to a party.
Please, this is my chance to really fit in.
Emily, I'm saying no for your own good.
Your mom's right, Em.
It's not happening tonight.
Sorry, um, I can't go.
Apparently my mom suddenly cares about me.
Whatever.
Tell Trey that I'm thinking about him.
Like Trey'll be thinking about her after tonight.
Thanks, mom, always helping.
And I see the dragon head.
- That was fun, huh? - It's called parenting,
and I hear that it really sucks when you're doing it right.
I wouldn't know.
Uh-oh.
Um.
Would you excuse me for just one sec?
Don't go anywhere.
- What? - We have a problem,
Jeff's cell phone.
Uh, what are you doing in here?
I got to get back to work.
Are you sure you can't stay? I'll make it worth your while.
Well, I wish I could, but I'll see you tomorrow.
- Don't forget your phone. - Thanks.
Okay, so Dalton is getting beat on,
Emily is getting scammed on,
and Jeff's getting lured away.
I'd say we've completely failed.
Have a cookie.
Why not?
We'll be in hell soon anyway. Give me two.
Hey, we are not there yet, and remember,
I'm the quitter, not you.
I don't think there's much we can do, not after the mess
I've created.
No, let... let's go to the firehouse, fight for Jeff.
I mean, the kids are home.
They're safe until at least tomorrow.
Yeah, you're right. Let's do it.
- Yeah, okay... - I'm not doing that.
Uh-uh, you're not gonna do that.
Let's do this.
- So everyone's sleeping? - Mm-hmm.
They're all resting up for the big day tomorrow.
They told me to wake them before you got back.
- But you didn't. - No, I didn't.
I thought let them rest, you know?
We've all been working so hard.
Besides, how often do I get to spend
one-on-one time with the captain?
Well, I like to think I keep my doors open to all my crew.
Well, that's good to know.
But, uh, Laurie, um, I need a few minutes alone time
just to, you know, get my head straight before tomorrow night.
Oh, yes, yes, of course, Captain.
I will, uh... I'll be inside if you need me.
All right.
Calista.
She's not here.
Trade you a cookie for your hat.
What are we gonna do?
He can't find us together.
I'll talk to Jeff.
- You sneak out. - Okay.
- What are you doing here? - I was, uh...
I just... oh.
I'm trying to make sure you don't run off with that girl.
And why do you think I would do that?
Because she's young and hot and appreciates you.
Well, those are pretty good reasons.
Jeff, I'm serious.
You have been so distant and cold.
- I'm distant and cold? - Yeah.
Well, try snuggling up to someone
with an axe behind their back.
Okay, fine, we're not exactly setting records in the bedroom.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was the goal,
or I would have been a willing participant.
It's not just that. I, um... look,
I became the take-charge woman
that I thought you needed,
but somehow the rest of me got lost,
and now I'm just this angry, needy bitch.
- I wouldn't call you needy. - Oh.
I'm sorry.
Look, I can see that you're really trying,
but, um,
I... I can handle you treating me like the enemy, but the kids...
I know, I know.
I never meant to make any of you feel like that.
I'm... I'm so sorry. I love you, Jeff.
Please at least know that.
I do, I do. And I love you too.
Ooh...
Cali.
What did you call me?
Ugh, this is making me nauseous.
Let's check in on the mayor, shall we?
Oh-ho, looks like he has a new friend.
I don't think I can get that money for the building you want.
It's just not in the budget.
But we're counting on that money, Mr. Mayor.
Is there anything I can do to change your mind?
I... I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, what... what am I supposed to say again?
Would you please stay in character?
Ask me how far I'm willing to go to get what I want.
Oh, you're dirty.
You were amazing.
Was I good? Oh, you were.
You were an animal.
So you think you can take away
my son-in-law's firehouse, do you?
Ooh, look at you.
No wonder she liked you. You've lost weight.
Look at that.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Ooh.
- Let's get this party started. - Yeah.
Mm, your finishing touch. God, you're hot.
Oh, you're too beautiful.
Ahh!
Boo, are you dead, baby?
Looks like the mayor slipped up.
That's a good one.
What's happening?
That's us.
Oh.
Injury accident, Captain, some VIP, Mayfair Hotel.
I got to get going, but I'll... I will see you at home.
- Is that the mayor? - Yup.
Boy, he's got a big head.
Mm, just how I like it, honey.
How did he get stuck like that?
Is that bra Victoria's Secret?
It's not a secret anymore.
You know I can hear you, right?
We're gonna need to remove that toilet.
Blasting tools coming up, Captain.
No, no, no, no, no!
So you don't knock anymore, Daniel?
- Are you responsible for this? - Do you know over 40%
of household injuries occur in the bathroom?
The pokes are meant to be used for connecting,
for making amends,
not as weapons of mass destruction.
Could have fooled me.
- Oh! - Hey, Calista.
Hey, baby. What... what hap...
what happened to you?
Oh, I'll tell you all about it in a minute.
First I'm gonna go take a shower.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, baby, I stink.
No, um...
Mm.
- Mm, mm, mm. - Mm.
- I like you all dirty. - Whoa.
Is this the good Calista or the bad Calista talking?
Oh, which one do you
- want me to be? - Well.
Oh, Jeff. Ooh.
Mm, mm.
Kinky.
She's spying on herself having sex.
No, I don't want to see that.
Was it good for you?
Yes, it was.
That's my husband you just slept with, you whore.
He's my husband too.
Yeah, well, let me just show you how it's done.
Wow, you changed fast.
Ready for round two?
I sure hope so.
- Mm. - Ooh.
Not that I'm complaining,
but, um, what's gotten into you?
You're about to find out.
Hey, your son-in-law just scored himself a threesome.
Well, technically, I think he can only check off twins.
No, leave me out of this.
Hi, there. Hi.
Morning. Hello?
I...
Hey.
Emily, oh.
I think there's a problem.
- What are you doing? - What do you think I'm doing?
I have to get back to the firehouse.
Yeah. Of course.
I'll see you later, babe.
I'll see you tonight.
Ooh.
Hello?
Good morning. I love you!
Has anyone seen my keys?
Wait.
Stupid folder. Never mind.
Bye.
Oh.
Bye, Dad.
Hey, kids.
Good morning!
- Get out of here. - No one can see me but you.
Why? How?
I don't know, but maybe we could use this to our advantage.
- You okay, Mom? - Huh?
- Who are you talking to? - No one.
Just, uh... you know, just... just talking, you know, to myself.
To myself, yup, to myself.
Yeah, have a good day.
Hey.
- Oh, look at you. - Yeah.
From hospital to hostess in 48 hours.
No, it's only been 43 hours.
- Okay. - Hey, hey.
- Yeah? - How goes the fundraising?
Uh, good, just not good enough yet.
Oh.
Don't worry, Captain. I can get things juiced up.
That's concerning.
I can't wait for your great mystery entertainment to arrive.
Yeah.
My great mystery entertainment?
What is he talking about?
I don't know.
This place looks like an Irish wake in a dry county.
I'll do my part to help spice things up.
- Mr. Mayor. - Captain.
Mrs. Mayor, so glad you both could come.
Never did get a chance to thank you
and your department for your assistance.
- All part of the job. - Yes, yes, of course it is.
What?
Why does Jeff think I have
some great mystery entertainment planned for tonight?
Oh, because I told him you did.
What did you do, Cali?
Okay, I called your friend Sam from the gym.
I know, right? You're welcome.
You sh... f... hi.
Hello. Let's... enjoying yourself?
Good, good.
Good evening.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
Sam the Super Mime
and her classy clown posse!
Oh, no.
Is this the great mystery gift your wife
had planned for you, Captain?
Um, I guess it is.
- Yay. - Let's get this party started!
- Great entertainment, Mom. - Shut it, Dalton.
Thanks for hiring us.
I knew the first time I saw you at the gym
we were gonna be good friends.
I can't believe this is happening.
Oh, just point out the big donors and the VIPs.
My clown posse will take care of them.
Mimes aren't supposed to talk.
Hey, Em.
I'm outside.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no. Emily, you can't.
He's bad. He's just using you.
Don't get in!
- That was fast. - Couldn't wait.
This party's gonna be a game-changer for you.
I think I put a little too much alcohol in the drinks.
Which drinks?
- All of them. - You spiked the drinks?
No way. I did too.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Calista, Emily's gone.
- Gone where? - Uh, Trey just picked her up
and took her to some party.
You know what he's planning to do.
Oh, no. Dalton, do you know
which party Trey Thompson would go to tonight?
Yeah, his own.
All the cool kids are gonna be there.
Why?
Because he just picked up Emily,
and he's about to do something that will destroy her.
I tried to tell her about his porn star
of the month program, but...
You knew about that? How?
Well, why do you think he's been beating on me?
I found his secret videos online and told him to take them down
or else I'd narc on him,
so he decided to go after Emily.
I tried talking to her about it,
but she thinks he actually likes her.
Dalton, I am so sorry I wasn't here
for either of you,
but we have to go get your sister now.
But Trey lives on the other side of town.
We'll never make it in time.
Go, Mom!
I never got a chance to thank you for fighting
so hard for our jobs, Captain.
Laurie, I was just, um...
I know, just doing your job.
Yes, exactly.
You're so good at it.
Well, uh, pretty sure that tomorrow
we're all about to be out of a job.
Yeah, well,
then I definitely better thank you properly tonight.
Uh, Laurie, what are you doing?
Courtesy of our entertainment.
Ah, uh, oh, boy.
Oh, my God.
Mrs. Ryan, and nerd boy?
We're here for Emily.
I don't think Emily's here.
Eric, you have three seconds to tell me where my sister is.
Oh, big threats from such a little dude.
Hey, don't talk to my son like that.
Mom, I got this.
Eric, tell me where Emily is, and if Trey's with her,
I'm gonna kick his ass.
Seriously? I would pay to see that.
Mommy or no Mommy, Trey's gonna pound your face in.
Upstairs, first door on the left.
Um, oh, no, no, no.
Oh, boy. Oh, yeah, about that.
Ooh, don't, Laurie. Please don't.
Laurie, stop.
As unbelievable as you look, I really do love my wife.
Yeah.
Your wife? You mean the one that just left
on the most important night of your career?
What? Why?
I don't know. She just started talking
to herself before running off. Your daughter and son left too.
There must be some mistake.
They know how important tonight is to me.
Well, I definitely know how important tonight is.
This is... this is wrong.
Stop! Laurie, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Captain.
Must be the alcohol in the punch.
Occupied.
Come on!
Dingus, what are you doing here?
Open the door!
Ladies, what do you say we give my grandson a hand?
Hmm.
Dalton?
What are you doing? Get out of here!
Emily, Trey's trying to secretly record you
having sex with him.
What the hell are you talking about?
Your mommy isn't here to protect you this time.
Now, ladies.
Ah!
Stop it! Stop it!
Oh!
Emily, look.
You asshole.
Oh!
Ooh.
Smile for the camera, Trey.
The Internet's gonna have something new to watch,
me kicking your ass.
Yeah!
Emily, are you okay?
Mom?
I am so proud of you. Emily?
- Emily. - I really thought he liked me.
I know.
- I'm such a loser. - No.
No, Em, he is the loser.
You have to know that, don't you?
You were right all along. I'm just a fat, ugly girl.
No, no!
Emily, you are an amazing, beautiful young woman.
I'm so sorry I was so busy trying to make everything
and everyone look just so perfect
that I never realized
that I have the most beautiful family possible.
My mother did the same thing to me,
but I was a fat, unhappy kid.
But I'm neither of those things.
You just make me feel like I am!
I know, I know that now, Em...
Did you ever consider that maybe I don't need
to be a stick figure to be happy?
You turn me sideways in every family photo.
Who does that?
A mother who has completely lost track of who she is
and what's important to her.
You and Dalton are my greatest treasures.
And no matter where I am,
I... I will never forget that again.
I promise.
I need to know that you forgive me.
Please?
- I guess. - Yeah?
You did shoot Trey in the face with pepper spray.
That's classic overbearing mom behavior.
You know what?
You were exceptional at stomping his nuts with 5-inch heels.
- We make a pretty good team. - Yeah.
I hate to say it, but I wish
that you would have fallen out of a window sooner.
Apparently I needed a good knock on the head.
Yeah.
I love you so much, Em.
I love you too, Mom.
Fire, fire, fire, fire!
Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire!
- What was that? - I don't know.
- Everybody out, now! - Come on.
Come on, get up. We got to go.
Calista, come here.
Calista, look.
Pretty.
Cali, the house is on fire. We have to get out of here.
But our time is up, Calista.
- Uncuff me, quick. - Uh.
- Come on. - Uh, I don't have the key.
Uh.
It's hopeless.
Come on, let's go. Ow.
Where's Mom?
I don't... I don't know. She was right behind me.
Oh.
Do something, Gwen.
There's nothing I can do. We're all out of pokes.
What the hell?
Dalton, Emily, you okay?
Dad, I think Mom's still trapped inside.
All right, get this fire under control.
I'm reporting to you live from the scene
of a major house fire
where the captain himself has just entered
the blazing inferno to save someone trapped inside.
- I didn't do it. - I know you didn't.
- Help them, please. - I can't.
They're on their own now.
Oh. Oh.
Wow.
That was quite an exit.
It was time to go.
Thank you for giving me a chance
to make things right with my family.
Um, what happened to Cali?
You don't know?
She's with me.
Yes.
There's someone who wanted to see you before you go.
Oh.
Mom.
You made it back in one piece.
You did good, baby.
I love you too, Mom.
So are you ready to move on?
Yeah, if I need to be, I am.
I'm not talking to you, Calista.
All right, let's get this over with.
Wait, what? I... I'm not going with her?
- But... but you said... - I know,
but unfortunately, my boss still has concerns.
About what?
I worked my ass off trying to fix things down there!
Just because your family's on the right track now
doesn't mean that they'll stay that way,
and the last thing we want is more Ryans up here in purgatory.
So what are you saying?
Come on.
- Mm. - Mmm.
I thought I'd lost you, Cali.
I thought I lost all of you.
I love you guys so much.
Mom, you're okay.
We love you too, Cali.
You both okay?
Yes, thanks to you and Dad.
I still got to take you to the hospital.
Well, luckily I brought my own ambulance.
Yes.
Captain Ryan, after your heroics tonight,
I've decided to reinstate your budget effective immediately.
- Oh, my... - So we can keep our firehouse?
No politician in his right mind would cut your budget now.
Yeah, you can keep your firehouse.
Oh, well, thank you, Mr. Mayor,
and you're making the right choice.
Of course I am.
I'll just make the cuts somewhere else, you know,
let some elderly go homeless
or take away children's daycare.
They don't vote anyway. Okay.
- He doesn't mean that. - No, I'm sure he's joking.
A mime, my wheelhouse. You, this way.
Yeah.
Nice work, Calista, but you, Mr. Mayor,
I've got a nice house sitting here empty,
just waiting for your arrival.
So what helped you put out the fire?
Spiked punch.
Spiked punch?
So what made you think you could be a firefighter?
Uh... uh... uh...
That's it. We're out of here.
Subtitles by explosiveskull