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Women: Ladies and gentlemen, BBM: 2C09385E LINE: SOLAIRE99
welcome to Whitney Cummings! Wechat: CS1_SOLAIRE99 Whatsapp: +66634622578
(cheering)
I have to pee. I am fine!
What's up, bitches Come on!
(cheering)
Thank you very much for being here.
I photographed my HBO special, no big deal.
This has been my dream for a very long time,
thank you already here, to appear.
I really appreciate that.
Thank you for wearing shorts, sir.
You are getting ready,
You are like, "I will go home Whitney dreams come true, and I will...
" I will use this seersucker... "
the word operation: suck..." shorts.
"I just want him to see My Scrotum all night
to let him know what I think of his achievements.
You know, only the thighs. looks like a swollen vagina?
That's what I see.
Really appr... Thank you for shaving, sir.
And where is the camera. Are there cameras on...
And for you at home, if you watch this on YouTube,
fuck you,
Go to HBO Go, like an adult,
so I can get ten cents, okay, from this view
(applause, applause)
Thank you.
I wear heel shoes tonight, that's The least you can fucking do.
I like you You are sexy, sexy.
Sexy people Are you young Young?
Yes? Yes? Anyone in their 20s?
- 20s? - Audience: Whoo!
That's what you did in your 20s, you "whoo."
Are you old?
- 27. - 27 Well, your age 30.
(laughter, applause)
Younger than 27?
- Women: 24. - 24! (laugh)
Yes, life will make you really bad.
I like to see girls in their homes 20s. This makes me crack, man.
This reminds me when I was in my 20s.
Because when I was in my house 20s, I was an idiot.
Like, when I was 20, I was the worst combination of...
I'm arrogant, but me too, like, delusional, you know?
Like, when I was in my 20s, I thought I caught it.
I think I'm funny and interesting and smart,
but I don't. You are not.
Good? It's just that people want to have sex with you right?
So they laugh at your stupid jokes.
They listen to your boring story.
And then you start to get the ego. You start thinking you are amazing.
Then you are 30, and people stop want to have sex with you,
and then you just left with a terrible personality
That's what happened to me. I was activated in my 20s,
Now I'm in my 30s, and I'm just... dick.
I am the worst I am hard. I'm annoying. I'm bossy
Do you know? But I think I understand are confused about what people like
Because you remember there were rumors happening briefly
that men like strong women?
People will say that. They will be like, "Men like strong women.
Men like independent and strong women."
Yes, no, no.
Okay, I've seen porn.
Men like Asian girls
with duct tape over their mouths.
(laughter, applause)
That's what men like.
Literally, in porn they have categories that you can choose.
There is a menu next to it. It's like,
"Girl-on-girl, college girl,"
there is no "CEO".
(laughter)
People don't watch porn movies, like,
"Yeah, girl, get the promotion, huh."
How annoying.
It's annoying because I feel like I'm working my ass to reach my goal,
to realize my dream
Now I feel I have the best life ever.
I have the career I want, But people don't like that.
People don't become independent girls,
You know who is independent.
That's not turn-on. I'm not a sexy woman.
My dirty talk isn't sexy.
I'm like, "Hey, want back to my house...
do I have? "
(laughter)
Not a turn.
People like girls, like, are vulnerable and shy.
Girls like Guy become like" Mmm...
"I'm lost.
" Can you help me? Mmm...
Your penis is too big, it hurts. Mmm... "
No.
(laughter, applause)
I am in my 30's. No more damn. laugh) - That's another...
That's a different story.
So, I don't know what to do, you know? I can't stop reaching my goal, right?
I can't stop doing what I love.
So I feel like what I should start Do it is when I meet a guy I like,
I just need to acknowledge what they feel uninteresting about me
and immediately negotiate with them.
I will be like, "Look, I know I'm not 24, but...
" I have a pool. "
" I know I'm not adorable and shame, but I can pay all your bills
I can get you out of debt today! "
There is so much evidence in our culture that you like fragile little women.
You know, especially in our local language.
Even the fact that you call us "dear".
No one else thinks it's weird?
Especially in sexual connotations.
Babies are the only ones socially acceptable age increases
You can tell a woman in bed, you know?
You can't like, "Yes, bend a toddler, huh."
"Yeah, you like that, preteen? Uhn!"
I don't like it. I think it's creepy.
That's when a man calls me "dear" on the bed, I will like,
"Waah!"
And then I'm just unlucky pants just to make a point.
Like, you want a baby, you have one, weird.
People like girls become babies, and people like girls become bad.
Right? You like "bad girls".
Very strange
That always happens, you start dating men,
It's only a matter of time before You have sex and she's like,
"Are you a bad girl?"
I always like,
"No.
I pay my taxes on time."
And, also, I feel like before us Play this game from You You Bad Girl,
we must agree to a bad definition that works for both of us, okay?
I am a comedian, my taste is a little off.
If I really would lose the body In a bad girl game, I would like,
"Yeah, I'm a bad girl herpes and I didn't tell you, yeah."
- Man: no! - "No"?
"No... it's not aphrodisiac, okay, right
We will spin back, I'll do it."
People like girls become babies, People like girls become bad,
and guys like girls become exotic.
Guys become exotic girls now.
I know this because of my boyfriend
make me a blind date with this person,
Then he calls me and cancels the date.
He is like, "Yeah, it won't work.
I know he only entered Cuban girls."
I like, "Well, I can use my own tanner,
and drink from fucking coconuts. What do you want?"
And he's like, "No, that's right not about skin color.
"He is not a Brazilian girl, he is Not in Spanish, it is only Cuban."
And I try to find out as it is Cuban island fetish? Only Cuba.
The only thing I can conclude is that Cuban girls must be very pleasant to this day Because they are very easily impressed
because they never have it Previous American products
So, he was like, "I got Coca-Cola."
He is like, "Oh my God, he's a millionaire!"
Yes, you have to read the news to get that I think this will be more difficult and more difficult for you
to find this type weak, obedient woman.
Because women are not like that again. Women are badasses now.
All my girlfriends are strong, independent, have awesome jobs, you know?
And I... here it is.
I think feminism is running,
But I don't know if you like it.
I think you are angry with us about that,
and it comes out in an evil way.
Like, the way people talk about Women become more aggressive.
The way people talk about having sex with women is great.
I was talking to a male friend I was a few weeks ago,
and he goes,
"I'm connected with this girl that night
Destroys that crap."
It's like, "Excuse me?"
He said, "Yes, man, I killed that crap, bro."
This is like, first of all, you don't kill it
He is fine.
He is at home. He might be a little disappointed,
but he will...
He will pass it. He survived the wrath of your killer dick
Pew, bench, bench, bench, bench!
You don't kill it
You might have given him urinary tract infection,
But he will... He will rise again.
I don't think it's healthy how to talk about women.
And my theory is that women are getting stronger,
and because they get more self-sufficiency,
you get more aggressive towards us
Because 10-15 years ago, you didn't talk like that about women.
You will say, you know, like, "I'll tap it."
Right? "I will hit it."
Now like, "I'll kill him."
I feel like in 10 years, It will be very disgusting.
Guys, you will like, "Hooked up with this girl that night.
" Scalped the bitch, bro.
"He is fully amputated now.
" Mother doesn't have legs.
"Eat from a tube.
" My penis
Do you know Helen Keller? My penis does that
This is too much.
I don't think music helps.
Music becomes very rude to women.
Have you ever heard the song "Fight Night."
There are no blacks here? That's embarrassing.
Santa Monica. Hashtag Santa Monica.
(laughter, applause)
Do you clap Like, sort of white power rally?
Don't applaud it!
Oh my God.
The song says, "I 'm will drop the pussy out
Like that night of the fight."
That's a song.
There is another song that says it "I will defeat her pussy."
I like it, I'm sorry, what happened? Our vagina ever did for you?
Besides giving your life
and make you feel amazing all the time?
How about not beating the and tapping it out,
How is it possible, I don't know, give it an orgasm?
I don't know
(cheering, applause)
I want to hear the song.
"I'll make you climax, kid.
I'll make you believe me."
I...
(laughter)
I want to hear the song.
I blame the rapper.
Not only male rapper, female rapper is just as bad Do you know Nicki Minaj?
Yeah, big Nicki Minaj fans?
I used to like Nicki Minaj.
But then I hear the lecture,
and that's not good.
So, he sounds like a hypocrite,
and I think he is a bad role model Because he is up there, and he's like,
"You know, men don't respect me rap games because I'm a woman,
and people don't respect me because I'm a woman."
I'm like, no, no, no. Uh, not at all.
We don't respect you we can see your bastard
Nothing to do with Actually you're a woman, okay?
We respect Mary J. Blige is fine.
Here are my points
I think women should be Can be sexy and glamorous,
and feminine and professional.
You can be a myriad of things.
But as you get dress for your album cover,
You also have to acknowledge basic human and neurological properties, okay?
You must acknowledge the fact that The male brain is basically only designed
to look for holes
This is quite a lot of all that do at a certain time,
just scan the cracks
They are like gophers looking for holes to enter
Counting, like, two, four... eight, that's a golf course.
Continue to add them.
So sometimes we have to help you.
You become very disturbed by that, right?
When I saw Nicki Minaj's ass,
I think things are terrible, terrible, embarrassing.
I would like, "Yes, I'm sure if I hit that from behind that crap will appear."
I'm like, "Oh, my God!"
So, I can't even imagine what you think, you know
And this is the problem, I'm a comedian.
I want you guys listen to what I say,
I want you to think of me Funny, I want you to focus.
So, I won't do stand-ups like this...
(laughter)
(cheering)
This is not the most effective how to do stand-up, right?
I won't be like, "Hey, friend . You saw that election coverage last night?
" Yes! " No. insulting
Is that your girlfriend?
There?
Yes? I like him. He runs a strict ship I appreciate that.
He doesn't even see.
So, no matter, you nice to see my ass,
So, that's not the best position,
and I think that's all hypocritical way to operate
because people can't have their penis comes out, you know
Like, male rapper can't rap with their penis out
or listen to what he says.
which is a testament with human nature.
That when a woman is naked, you are actually like, "Look at that beautiful woman,"
Something terrible Happens there, guys. "
This is an interesting time. We live in amazing times.
We live in one time where women have money, okay?
Where... are you aware? how is the new one right?
It's like 30 years, or something,
and there is no blueprint for how to operate it,
and I think that's right mess up dynamic power.
Like, the fact that I can pay for myself Bill, that's a big problem for me.
I think that making money will solve all my problems,
especially my relationship problem.
Because when I was in my 20s, I Must date a guy who has money
Because I don't have it.
But now I make my own money,
I feel like it's opening this the whole new pool of people broke
that I can't date before,
so I've done that
They are much better.
And the last man I went to, I paid for everything.
I pay for travel, I pay for dinner,
and now I'm like that Men in that relationship,
Now I'm on your shoes,
Now I understand why you hate us.
That's because we owe you so much unlucky money.
And something happens psychologically
when you start paying someone where you start to hate them.
Start hating everything about them. You hate them
You start saving scores of everything they do
One day he came home. She is drinking coconut water
It's like, "coconut water? You, damn English queen?
" What if you drink from the tap Like a fucking person, how about that? "
And then they scold you. They always need something from you, you know
He will be like," Do you want to go to dinner? "I'm like," You just ate yesterday.
Do you have tapeworms? What is the problem? " I feel now I understand why you are always very disappointed with us too.
Because something happened when you started paying for someone for their behavior
The next morning I woke up, I was like, "This is weird,
It's 8:00 a.m., and I don't smell eggs.
Yeah, chop-chop, bitch. Mother is hungry. "
This is complicated.
I also begin to pay attention to all of this, like, the unspoken rules that occur
with expectations based on who pays. is that he will go have sex with you right?
But when I pay for him,
my hope won't have sex with you,
and we will stay awake night talking about my dream
We will read it horoscope tonight, bitch
And then I see, like, all sexism is institutionalized dangerous.
Like, every time we go to dinner,
The waiter will automatically give him a check
And then he will take it,
and then when the waiter wants go, he will slide to me.
I'm like, "Oh, no!"
If you take a check, you pay.
You better find yourself a Groupon is very fast.
I also understand why people stay in a relationship too long
Because money makes things more sticky.
Like, I feel like I live in that a three month relationship is too long
just because I don't want to get bad back on my money
Because dating is like that _ a terrible investment
Which makes me think, like, I can't believe us we just go around spending money
in that relationship we don't know it will work.
This is a terrible investment.
I feel there must be some sort of insurance from somewhere to protect us.
Like, I feel that dating should be be like checking a hotel.
Well, you and I will start dating.
Once we start dating, you must put your credit card down.
Three months later, if you want to break up,
I will like, "Okay, well, let's look at your bill
Yes, you owe $ 3,200 or You can't go leave it."
And now I have spent my hard-earned money on someone I have never seen,
I can't stand that it's only assumed that you pay for everything
I think it's very chaotic. I'm on your boy's side about this.
I think it's crazy that it's only social built that you pay for everything.
I think it's crazy.
I really think that you guys Bring a girl to eat three times
and you pay, and then you never hear from him again,
I think it should be so Can call the police.
That's nonsense.
I am very embarrassed by how the relationship ends.
I'm ashamed of that, but I think it's important to talk about it.
I thought I just lost respect for him
because he doesn't contribute in any way financially
It's chaotic because I feel like women don't contribute to relationships
all the time, and it's okay
But I think the problem is human nature.
I am thinking of evolution The goal, we have already installed
to stop being sexually attracted men when they show any weaknesses.
And I know it's true One time I was dating this guy,
I fell in love with him. Like me think we will get married.
We walk on the road,
and he tripped and fell.
And I immediately fell in love with him.
I just... Like, I can't... Like, I feel embarrassed even being nearby.
Like, I feel disgusted with him.
I think my primal brain is like,
"No, he's not a provider.
" He can't protect you.
"He is dangerous for you and the whole tribe.
All species are in trouble."
It's cold-blooded, man.
Cold-blooded.
I like that woman money now This is so cool.
But I feel there are still these remaining stereotypes.
Even though women have money, there is this stereotype that all women are gold diggers.
You know, like all of mine friends guys really believe
that women want to have sex with their , get pregnant with their baby,
and take everything for everything they deserve
Bring them to all... their shorts.
I don't want your shorts. Good? I am not interested in.
I know that this is true, Because last year I dated a man
who treats me like me is a gold digger.
Backstory: First of all, he doesn't have a job
That's important
The second is the type of graphic,
that is something happened to me when I was 30 years old
where I can no longer use condoms.
- I will... - (cheering)
Oh well. Well, that's very aggressive.
Only... problem.
No, I think it's actually because I got health insurance.
Something happens when you are healthy insurance. This is very liberating.
I'm like, "This is Obamacare problem now.
That's not my problem."
So, I said to him, I was like, "Hey, I don't have anything,
so if you don't have anything, let's not use condoms."
And he's like, "Yeah, but I feel like we still have to use a condom, you know,
like, so you're not pregnant."
I'm like, "Oh, no, we're good. I take the pill."
it's only 98% effective. "
I'm like," I'm sorry.
"What do you think I want? Your baby is bankrupt?
" Do you think I'm cheating? to get your child bad?
"So I can bring you all that is worth?
" What will I take, your roommate
"The five adult men live together in a studio apartment?
" I am not a gold digger one with gold, dummy.
"Okay, believe me, if I have pregnant with your child,
We are good We are fine."
Ridiculous.
I don't want a white baby. What will I do with a white baby?
That is embarrassing.
I want to think I'm a little more successful than that.
Takes me to my topic very passionate,
which is a birth control option available for women.
I don't believe that we don't have it a better choice for birth control.
They all drive me crazy. What are you
- What did you take? - This is an IUD.
You have an IUD. Go ahead Here, we will issue it.
I hate this product.
Are you plastic or metal?
- Plastic. - yours is plastic
Well, he has McDonalds toys on his body now.
Most of them are metal, some are plastic.
Most of them are small pieces of metal that they put into your uterus.
I'm like, I don't want metal in my body
I don't want to go through airport security
and have people behind X-ray machines like,
"Oh, look at this prostitute to stop all sperm. "
No, I don't want metal in my body.
What if there is a storm?
"Guys, I can't tonight, it's raining."
I hate this product.
Mostly because, like, they will do it Never develop that product for men.
It will never be a product on the market for men.
Right? You and I will never date,
and you will be like, "Babe, what do we have to do for birth control?"
I will like, "I have an idea. " What if we take a metal rod? and place it in your pen hole,
"and leave there for about five years,
or until infected. Is that a good idea? "
I hate this product.
And it's like, three page side effects
I can't believe they release a product with three pages of side effects. "
I see side effects for IUDs.
It feels like migraines, stomach aches, and depression. "
What about you What are you more?
Pills.
Do you know which?
They don't even... They will do it put something in their mouths
They don't even care. Like, "Oh, poison? All right."
You don't even... You know? what is the color of the box, at least?
- pink - pink
Bastard
I hate that. That makes me crazy.
Like, that's how... everything about the pill insulted me.
In fact they make pink boxes The pills are pink,
Like all women like, love pink.
And if the pill is pink
influence your decision whether or not you will take it
That means you are 10 years old and you are actually Too young to be in birth control, okay?
Second, if you want me to remember Take my pill every day, don't get pink.
Make it in the form of a crying little baby.
I can't stand the pill.
I actually only read this article about how the pill works
Basically the way the pill works is that Your body tricks think you are pregnant.
Your brain starts producing with neurochemicals and hormones
As if your body is pregnant, you know this.
You watch Oprah. Good boy.
And then you start being attracted to more alpha men.
Their pheromones start to smell stronger,
and you are interested in alpha men,
types of men who can protect your future offspring.
The problem is that in modern times
alpha men are marked by tattoos and motorbikes,
which explains why I dated like a bastard since I was 15 years old.
The way it works is that I meet good and sensitive men
I want to share my future with.
I started taking birth control to plan it,
and all of a sudden, I can only Have an orgasm if I smell Ax's body spray.
That's not fair.
And this is an example of how biology has not been caught with modern technology.
This is the 21st century, I don't need male alpha to protect me We have street lights, okay?
We have an alarm system. I don't need alpha male
I need a guy with fast Wi-Fi, so I can google "Can I consume Xanax while pregnant?"
That is my baby's father.
Good? I don't need a big one, strong people to fight a tiger
I need a geek who can get me Nude photos from the clouds.
I hate the pill.
Everything about the packaging The pill is very insulting.
Like, even the fact that it's the only drug that comes with a calendar Like we are too stupid to remember it to take pills every day
People who develop it like, "They can't handle taking their pills every day, " So let's look at like a small pop-up calendar,
"and we will deceive them take it They will be like,
" 'Ooh, chocolate? Gobble, devour, devour. ""
I feel like a calendar is actually for you
Because I know you like it, go and see our pill at 2:00 a.m.,
and you are like, "Oh, Wednesday is empty, thank God."
They try hard to try Make sure we don't forget to take our pills.
Like, they make a patch.
Have you ever heard of birth control patches?
It's like a sticker you put on your shoulder
who manages drugs for you.
It's like, you can imagine get a naked girl
and see the giant patch?
Like, "Ooh, he's a prostitute and she has bad memories.
That's the wife's material. Put the ring in that crap."
So, I told my doctor that I didn't want to use birth control pills again and he is like, "Oh, all right, you We recommend using the morning after the pill.
You know, the B pill plan is now available over-the-counter."
I'm just like, "How lazy are you?"
That person likes, "Do you have condoms?" I like, "Ugh.
Let's face it in the morning."
Which, by the way, we don't will face it in the morning
I have to deal with it.
I am the one who has to wake up at 6:00 a.m. and go stand in line.
And you realize morning after the pill is $ 49?
I have never had sex with a man and the next morning like,
"Yes, it costs 50 dollars."
And not just 50 dollars because of you Can't just buy morning after pill alone
or the cashier will consider you a prostitute.
So you have to buy another set of products to put on it to hide.
Do you know? You have to master it with like, Q-tips and threads,
and lots of other nonsense You will never be able to use it.
What's more there? Am I missing something?
NuvaRing? It's not It's still happening, right?
NuvaRing? What are you doing?
Pills. What kind? Do you know
You are in Ortho Tri-Cyclen?
That is 90s nonsense. I took it in the 90s!
Bitch, you are loyal I like that.
Are you still on AOL?
Jamming with Walkman, he like, "Unh!" with the CD, "Mmm."
- NuvaRing No answer - Woman: yes!
Yes, okay Let's do you have it now
- Yes? - Yes!
Yes, okay. Glad to hear. I just want to get visual, thank you
I also have to have fun here.
I just... for me, NuvaRing, that's just proof
that doctors are stoned from their minds
and just started brainstorming ideas for female birth control.
They are like, "Oh God, God, I have an idea.
" What if we take a piece of tupperware
"and make it in the shape of our penis
"So when we have sex we can, like playing basketball with our penis?"
They will be like, "Yes, two points! Two points Two points!"
The only logical explanation for that.
I know a lot about birth control now
because I just had to do something cool.
I have an announcement to make. Do you want to hear it?
Audience: Yes!
Last month I froze my eggs.
(applause)
I always like this reaction from people.
Because women always clap and people just panic.
Like, they are just... they think they are in trouble or something
Which is very strange to me because I think People will be happy if I freeze my egg.
I think I will, like, sexy and awesome girl
who doesn't want to get pregnant now.
But no, it's not hot.
This is not an aphrodisiac. People don't enter it.
You can't hang out with a man and He is like, "Hey, do you have a condom?"
I'm like, "Don't worry, boo, my Damn under the ice at the airport."
Guy's not into it.
Maybe it's because you don't know what it is That's what I think.
You know what it is
There is no idea.
Only based on the words of egg freezing?
Just freeze them? Just freeze them?
Only... that... what moves?
Just freeze them.
You mean, like... They aren't in my freezer.
This is not like a freezer drawer.
Just put them in the fridge.
Just... do you know who this person is?
Only based on your response to that,
You look like you, like, "Literal people," you know?
Like, literature people every day.
People who are arguing just stick to the facts.
You are a person who likes, "No, I didn't say you were annoying,
I said you sucks."
And then you like, "Damn, I have to get back together. Hold it."
What about you Do you know what it is, frozen eggs?
Yes, you do What?
Cryopreserve your eggs.
Wow, good! You cryopreserve your eggs.
That's good. You ever watching some strange, clear porn.
Yes, so the point is I just realized that most men don't know what it is.
I found this because the week I froze it,
I have to rest in bed for a few days,
and I have to cancel the gig.
So, I said my agent can you tell My manager needs to reschedule it.
I go to the rescheduling date, the manager goes to me,
he is like, "Are you okay? hear your ovaries are released!"
I'm like, "Okay, let's just talk about this."
So, essentially, you freeze your eggs
If you want to get pregnant Some point, but not right now.
Like, I'm not ready yet. I will want to have children at some point,
but I'm not responsible enough.
I still leave coffee in over my car like twice a day.
I shouldn't be a mother now.
And biology is once again reversed.
Like, it's ridiculous for me a 15 The 15-year-old girl can get pregnant easily,
but 45 years old women can't
Like, I've never met a 15 year old girl and it's like that,
"You will be a great mother.
" Love your own Instagram.
I think you are ready to be responsible for human life. "
No. And all my friends come in 40s they are fucking awesome.
They are all like superheroes, they can do anything...
like that it's nothing
I have a boyfriend, he is 45, He can return an item in the store
without receipt
It's like Jason Bourne is unlucky there.
I am very happy because I did it.
I feel like letting go of all this The pressure I have on me, you know?
Like, I realized before I freeze my egg,
there is only this constant inner monologue
it's like, "what is this the man you're going to live?
If not, you have to do it continue to someone else."
And I feel I have to do it achieve all my professional goals
At my time, like, 35.
And that's just behind from my mind all the time
Like, I will be in traffic, and I will be like, "You guys, let's go!
" I rot from inside!
"We have to move, okay?
The uterus is being printed, let's move!"
I feel like you never understand that pressure
because you don't have that clock
People can have children as early as they want.
Clint Eastwood has small children in like, 70 years.
Robert De Niro has one in like, 68,
which is very strange to me
The idea of having children at 68 years of age.
It's like being like, "I really want it a child, but only for, like, 10 years.
" And I want to be deaf for the most part. That... "
I am very glad I did it. I took all this pressure off.
Like, I used to stress this The case, now I'm just cold, man.
So easy.
Like, my agent called me, He was like, "Where is the script?"
I'm like, "I don't know, I'm as tall as a fuck.
" Call Sarah Silverman or bullshit, man.
Because I'm watching 'Game from the Throne again today. "
Hey, camera.
I thank you.
You freeze your eggs for some reason. at some point,
which I am somewhat obsessed with ideas for getting a replacement.
It's like you hired a woman to bring your child to you,
which I really want to do at some point.
But I feel guilty about the idea
because when you get a replacement,
You are basically, like, asking others women to do your dirty work for you
It's like, worse than a man gets a prostitute
Because when you get a prostitute, you just want to use a woman's body for an hour.
I want to use it for nine months,
and really destroy it.
I will really destroy that crap.
Not good.
I just feel like I like my child especially if I don't bring my child.
Does that make sense?
Like, I am very supportive mother of a toddler and tiara.
I think those children must work.
I think they have to knock dancing to pay for all damage
they do to those poor women.
Although I feel like you have a replacement for your child
You can't control children too You know?
Like, the way my mother used made me guilty of doing things
whether he will like, "I take you for nine months."
I will like, "Oh...
That's good."
But if, like, I have a replacement, what will I say?
I will be like, "I have to drive 10 minutes to pick you up
Traffic is a nightmare."
Yes, it's not as good.
When you freeze your eggs, the doctor asks you if you want to get a donor,
like a sperm donor.
Because if you want freeze the embryo, you know
Like, basically it is if you freeze an embryo, that means the sperm fertilizes an egg,
and I like, "I don't have sperm available at my house right now."
So, he was like, "Maybe you should get a donor." And I'm not really ready for that,
But I'm very obsessed with the type people who will become sperm donors.
So, I'm online and I'm like on the donor site.
You will think that sperm donors are complete losers Not true.
In order to become a sperm donor, you must be at least 5'8. "
I'm like, forgive me, what a shallow bitch of 45 years old,
not married, no choice,
Enter a sperm bank, like,
"Oh, 5'7"? Forget it.
"I will look for Farmers Just and take my chance.
Fuck that weird is midget."
And to be a sperm donor,
You must have at least four years of college.
I'm like, I don't want my sperm donor to have four years of college.
Because if you have four years of college
and you jerked into a cup for $ 100,
You are a drug addict.
And if you don't have four college years
and you jerked into a cup for $ 100,
you are an entrepreneur and I like your crowd
You can be my baby's father at any time.
- Man: I will! - You will?
I'm good.
Pass.
Makes me a problem.
I was cheated.
Has anyone been cheated?
OK, okay, you have all been cheated,
as long as you know.
Sorry you have to find out like this.
I like the most stupid way.
We are in the cinema and I drop my phone between chairs.
So, I asked if I could use the phone to call my phone.
I hold the phone for maybe eight minutes
He got three different text messages from a girl he programmed on his phone
as "Sandylicious."
Think about this. Right thinking about how hot a girl is
for a man to take the time to program in that damn name for so long.
He is like, "S-A-N-D-Y-L-I-C-I..."
And you know that nonsense autocorrected like six times,
so he must go back to the beginning.
"SAND, dirt.
"S-A... Still worth...
D-I-L-I..."
So, I have to face him about that I like,
"Hey, why is there a girl named Sandylicious SMS at midnight on Friday?"
And he said, "Oh, he's my friend."
Why don't you hit me on tit?
It won't be too insulting for my intelligence
Like, I'm just curious, have I ever worked in a history of time?
Are there girls who have ever been jealous of panic
and the man is like, "Oh, he's my friend," and the girl is like,
"Oh my God, I'm very sorry!
"I really overreact.
" Back to texting bro, Sandylicious. "
No! I have many male friends on my phone,
none of them are programmed under" Joey's delicate penis. "
That is not my friend.
We are not friends
= = I feel you don't know this.
It's also very clear when You were lied to by a man
Because you all lied in exactly the same way.
You need to hold a meeting, or start a chatroom or something.
Because you know you are lied to by a man
because he will repeat The question you asked him the answer
to buy time to make lies.
So, I would like, "Hey, where are you going to 3:00 in the morning?" "Where am I? Until 3:00?
" In the morning? "
It's like, can you arrange it lie in the car like an adult, please?
Can I at least get that respect ?
And you know you've started Lying when a man leaves,
"Ugh, alright... all right Do you want me to say it now? "
Do you want me to make your lie?
How lazy can it be?
And then you know you get cheated when a man goes,
"Well, what is the definition of your cheating?"
I like, "Eh, if it's already it's fun without me, you're cheating.
It's very simple."
Another announcement that must be made, namely...
Cheating at the moment is very difficult for me
because when I'm in my house 20s, no one has ever admitted this,
But when I was 20, I cheat.
Now your time, kid. Life is
I... I cheat in my hand 20s because I'm an idiot.
I feel insecure and I'm worried
the person I met will leave me to someone else
Who cares about the reason? The point is Being deceived now is even worse
because I know who you are do because I've done it,
and you're dirty
I used to do shadiest Things when I used to cheat.
I used to program a boy's name on my phone as another thing
Being a dating guy isn't knowing what is happening, you know
And then he became like, "Hey, why does the Bank of America say you at 2:00 a.m.?" "That's weird.
"You know, they really improve their customer service.
" They really want to make Of course my check is clean.
I will thank them in the morning. "
He is like," Okay, yeah, why? Rite Aid only sends you photos of the penis? "
" Strange!
"That's disgusting.
We switch to Walgreens tomorrow!"
I don't know whether, in general, like a society is getting rough,
or if the internet alone brings it to the surface,
But I just think, in general, There is a movement towards deviation
that feels new to me.
The first thing that made me Think about this a few months ago,
I dated a man,
then we go on a second date.
On the second date, he asked me if I could spray
Let's talk about it.
Listen, first of all, I don't spray.
Just so you know, I'm not a squirter I don't spray it.
I am not a woman who cheats.
I don't know if I'm only dehydrated?
If I need more Gatorades in my life?
I don't spray, okay?
I mean, if you want, I will compromise,
and I will pee on you
I prefer not, but if that's what you do,
I'm sure I can make urine.
I have to turn it on tap I'm not into it.
This is... This is new.
This is a new thing. Five years ago, I have never heard of spraying.
Good? Five years ago, I felt like
It's dirty, all taboo want their girl to do is anal.
It's all about anal, right?
Now anal like... you just need to do that now
This isn't even weird anymore.
It's just, like, on the menu.
This is not just for birthday anymore. Is going.
Which, I don't think it's okay. I think we need to make it weird again.
I think we need to make it a taboo again.
This is how I know anal sex has become mainstream.
I have a boyfriend, he has a daughter who is 16 years old He goes to Catholic school,
and he said that his girlfriend entered 16 year old Catholic school
now having anal sex not regular sex
so they don't technically lose their virginity Right? Have you ever heard it?
My thing is if you have anal sex at the age of 16 years to stay right with God,
I have news for you.
There is no God.
Get a new religion Your god damn hates you.
No. Stay away from my ass I have a home.
No.
I have worked too hard.
That is my point You start not thanking you.
You have forgotten this reality
that our body is perfectly designed to have sex with you, anatomically.
Whatever you believe. Say, this is true evolution or god. Say you believe in God.
God designs perfectly A woman's body has sex with you.
Right? Vagina here Perfect placement
Boobs here if you want a little...
Perfect.
The head moves back and forth just in case you don't want to see his face.
God thinks everything.
And then God is putting women's bodies together and like,
"Ugh, there's another hole.
" This is a terrible hole.
"Terrible things come out of it.
" This sucks.
We can't put it in front or else Men will never have sex with women. "
Like God, "Do you know what I will do?
" I will hide it.
"I'll put it behind
" in, like, ravine.
"I will put a large chunk of fat on both sides.
" He will never even know it's there Can walk naked, he will never see it.
"This is genius. Genius!
" The woman's body is complete. "
Cut to God looking down now. A man like," Eh, eh, ehh... "
Like God, "Oh, my God!
"How can they find it?
" I hid the object pretty well.
They are animals! "
No. Uh-eh. No. No. Noah-eh.
No No spraying. No.
We started a movement here tonight. Hashtags don't spray.
Go
No, you know why? His... You are now pushing now.
You are ungrateful, you are spoiled, and you push it
Like, is our body not Is there enough to be amazing?
Quite a lot of magic?
We can make a living. We can get pregnant. We can breastfeed our baby.
We can give you orgasms. extinguish the fire?
This is too much.
That's too much.
And I'm a very cunning person.
The fact that something is I won't do it, it's not good.
It's from the grid, okay?
I will do anything I will really do anything because I'm fun
I'm fun
I will do anything Do you want ? Hit me Big.
Go for it I will try not to laugh,
but go for it
Choking, that's new. Everyone has to choke now?
Check me. Big. Check me.
I will even throw a little "Ehh..."
I am fun! I'm fun.
But you push it now, okay?
I don't spray. Who has time for that?
Good? I will not clean the spray. No.
I have a job. I don't have time for that.
You have to go home Depot, you have to get a tarpaulin,
You have to put the tarpaulin. I am a bedroom like Dexter's garage.
I don't live like that.
Is sex not awkward enough before spraying?
Do you remember talk awkwardly before making love?
It used to be like "Hey, Do you have a condom?"
Now it's like, "Hey, do you have ShamWow?
Damn, it's crazy."
You don't want me to spray.
You don't want me to spray because if I can spray,
I will use it for crime all the time.
Whenever I am in my boyfriend's car,
I will like, "You sure so want the girl's text back?
I don't think so."
I am worried. I am worried the next generation of boys
Because now guys in their homes...
Teenage kids, they watch porn movies now before they have actually seen naked women.
Before they actually have sex, they watch porn movies
And they think that will happen.
They think that a woman is fair this human Bellagio fountain,
just squirting constantly.
They think they will go in there.
Remember the generation of our sons,
they will appear to lose them virginity with likes, roses.
Now children appear to lose their virginity with only snorkels, umbrellas,
only fins.
This is not healthy.
Everything just increases too far, too fast
Do you remember, like, the good old days, like our generation,
It used to be, as before basic and second base, remember?
It used to be like before Basic, like, kissing.
Remember? The second basis is, You know, take it off.
Now it's greatly increased. This is very extreme.
Well, like, first base is just sex.
Second basis, squirting.
Third base, gangbang.
A home run, he just takes you out in the alley, kills you, jerks from your body.
This is a war zone out there, man.
Because one day, you will do it be insensitive to spray.
One day, it will get boring you, then what will we do?
We only need to pull out the intestine and throw it into your face?
That's not good.
I think we have to draw lines.
We have to just drop it. This is too tight.
It's like every week you come out in a new way to embarrass us.
You want to have sex with our breasts now.
Do you want to squeeze our boobs and fuck them?
What are you doing?
Which man has sex with a woman and like,
"Ugh, this pussy feels awful, ugh.
" I hope I have another it's really dry
I know what to do. "
No, it's my heart, you're an idiot!
Get your dick from my heart.
You've been spoiled. You have too many choices.
That's the problem, you also many choices You guys like...
This is not Whac-A-Mole.
I am a human.
I have feelings and dreams.
And parents.
You push them
It's getting more... Like, I just feel like you never come back from that,
have a man...
torso in...
face.
I feel like one day, someday I will become a mother right?
Thanks to the miracle of egg freezing.
One day I will become a mother. I will hold my beautiful baby,
I will look down my beautiful eyes,
we will experience this beautiful mother-child bond,
and then I will only have flashbacks for just dick just dick, just dick...
Not what I want motherhood to go down
Excuse me, I have to fix it Hair after my cock hits it.
You become insensitive, and like, I feel like you
increasingly fierce towards us too.
It's like, your new thing want to do is choke?
(choke)
Is that sexy for you?
(resume choking)
You go to that, sir
You go into it Is that your thing?
If you go inside, just go to jail now.
You will end there eventually.
What, you want to put you Dick in our throat until we...
That's where I breathe out. Do you want to fuck my oxygen supply now?
Is that what happened?
Do you even like me? Should I leave?
Like, what is psychology?
Psychology is like, "Yes, my big penis will make it vomit."
You know what else was made I vomited A gelcap NyQuil.
This is not a big problem.
I ask a male friend about this.
I'm like, "What's wrong? with choking things?
What happens to chokes?"
He said, "Oh, choking is incredible Because that makes the girl cry."
What ?!
I think people hate it when we cry?
Now I know when people go the room when I cry
They go to the bathroom to jerk.
Freaks
I don't like it.
I only think about all this and I like, you know what?
I just feel like a woman, we are always people
must do dirty, curly, naughty, tricks in the bedroom
I feel like you need to come up with some damn tricks.
(cheering)
Thank you.
I will attack you, okay?
I will learn to spray
if you teach your penis how to blow bubbles
Thank you very much come out for the show, everyone!
Thank you!
(cheering)
Thank you!
Hi, cuties!
Thank you!
First and foremost...
I just want to thank you so much for getting out
It's always a dream so big from me to have a special HBO,
so this is a very big problem for me.
Thank you. Thank you.
Um, and I want to dedicate this specifically to my father Who is currently experiencing something?
Keep fighting, Daddy, I love you so much.
And, as promised,
Now I will take a photo with you
because I know it's your only reason People come here to get fucking selfies,
and you have never listened to this whole show,
and you just try to find out how this will benefit you
and your Instagram feed.
So... (laugh)
So, what we are going to do is you Can put your cellphone into selfie mode.
I think you might know how to do it Do that, you live in Los Angeles,
All you do is take selfies.
So, hold it and I'll do it get the background
So, uh, let's do it.
Thank you friend. I love you.
♪ ♪
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