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♪ Is the man in the pool of light ♪
3
00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:24,816
♪ Camera repair around ♪
4
00:00:24,900 --> 00:00:27,736
♪ You see him chocolate
He is not white ♪
5
00:00:27,819 --> 00:00:30,280
♪ You're surprised
Who is this Indian? ♪
6
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:32,824
♪ He is Netflix Recommend ♪
7
00:00:32,908 --> 00:00:34,826
♪ Ordinary to see diversity ♪
8
00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:36,078
♪ What is a policy ♪
9
00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:38,914
♪ Let me introduce myself ♪
10
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,749
♪ Unless you've left ♪
11
00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:43,752
♪ What makes you racist ♪
12
00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:45,879
♪ In a digital sense ♪
13
00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:49,341
♪ If you come to India ♪
14
00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:51,385
♪ I am a big problem ♪
15
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,470
♪ Check this stadium ♪
16
00:00:53,553 --> 00:00:55,639
♪ That I just filled my family ♪
17
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,535
♪ And now you feel alienated
Because you didn't anticipate ♪
18
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,477
♪ That I can make you laugh ♪
19
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:03,322
♪ You have never met an Indian guy
You have never heard an Indian joke ♪
20
00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:05,232
♪ So will you understand? ♪
21
00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,025
♪ Fucking relax ♪
22
00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:08,986
♪ Let the camera track ♪
23
00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:12,531
♪ Because as a camera
Walk around my back ♪
24
00:01:12,614 --> 00:01:15,242
♪ You see the show I have the other half, eh ♪
25
00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:18,704
♪ Now we're in New York ♪
[audience cheers]
26
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:19,788
♪ City ♪
27
00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:21,623
♪ At an American comedy club ♪
28
00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:24,334
♪ It's kind of small and pretty ♪
29
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:25,794
♪ I have traveled a lot ♪
30
00:01:25,877 --> 00:01:29,089
♪ Because in your market
I just started ♪
31
00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:30,424
♪ I haven't made it ♪
32
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♪ I just released the version ♪
33
00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:34,970
♪ To this American ♪
34
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♪ Hey, hey, yeah, yeah ♪
35
00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:39,557
♪ Yes ♪
36
00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:42,728
♪ Yes ♪
37
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,646
♪ My bag is packed ♪
38
00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:46,940
♪ And I think it's time ♪
39
00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:48,400
♪ To go ♪
40
00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:51,111
♪ So make some noise ♪
41
00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:53,905
♪ If you want to start my show ♪
42
00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:57,784
[cheering]
43
00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:06,460
[cheering on]
44
00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:25,437
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Vir Das.
45
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:28,857
Thank you very much for leaving
and being on my special Netflix.
46
00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:30,192
Thank you.
47
00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:32,569
[cheering]
48
00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:38,950
Nice to be in my hometown in Delhi,
women and men.
49
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,577
I am a Delhi boy.
50
00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:45,916
This is my dream, ladies and gentlemen.
51
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:48,126
Not specifically Netflix
or, like, stadium.
52
00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:50,337
I have never had eight hours.
53
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:54,049
This is good, isn't it?
54
00:02:54,132 --> 00:02:57,135
This is what is needed to get the
Delhi audience here on time, by the way.
55
00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:59,721
- Eight hours.
- [cheering]
56
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:03,826
What is tonight,
women and men?
57
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,812
Tonight is about many things
that I don't understand
58
00:03:06,895 --> 00:03:08,146
That is the whole show.
59
00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:12,317
And hopefully, at the end of the night,
we can't understand that nonsense.
60
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:15,737
I have to tell you something.
61
00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:19,241
This show will be shot half here
and half in America.
62
00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:21,785
So at this point specifically,
in three seconds,
63
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,955
we will cut
for 200 clueless Americans
64
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,748
sitting at a comedy club.
65
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,960
And they wait for
to hear what we have to say
66
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:34,047
And I just hope to God
they understand
67
00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:38,969
[speaking Hindi]
68
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,138
[cheering]
69
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:44,057
- [whistling]
- Can not speak English.
70
00:03:44,141 --> 00:03:45,142
[speaking Hindi]
71
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,852
Two hours.
Can not speak English.
Only Hindi.
72
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:49,771
[speaking Hindi]
73
00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:04,536
[chuckles]
74
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,581
All white people like, "Oh no.
75
00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:10,625
Like when we watch Narcos. "
76
00:04:12,878 --> 00:04:14,638
Oh, ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Vir Das
77
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:17,066
Thank you for coming tonight.
Do you feel good, New York City?
78
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,175
Do you feel good, huh?
79
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,969
[cheering]
80
00:04:21,052 --> 00:04:23,614
Listen.
I have an
announcement before we start the show, okay?
81
00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:26,725
Let's get rid of this.
I have an Indian accent.
82
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,520
This is the next hour in your life.
83
00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:34,065
This doesn't change.
I didn't do a thing.
84
00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:37,861
I don't imitate his identity
funny relatives.
85
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:40,989
There is no fucking Apu
from The Simpsons jokes appear.
86
00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:44,844
Tonight, for the first time in your life,
Maybe an Indian accent
87
00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:46,578
It can be a perspective, not a punch line.
88
00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:49,414
- Isn't that good, huh?
- [cheering]
89
00:04:49,498 --> 00:04:52,459
But give time.
My accent will grow to you.
90
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:53,877
Give time, okay?
91
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,588
Just give four or five generations,
we will be fine.
92
00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:58,381
And it's okay
to not understand each other.
93
00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:01,551
There are things about me
that you don't understand, like my accent.
94
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:04,471
There are things about you
that I don't understand, like your woman.
95
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,808
I don't understand American women.
96
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:10,685
I don't understand
how you can reject this
97
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,648
Have you tried Indian, honey?
98
00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:18,026
- [woman] no.
- Oh, you have to
99
00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:21,947
After you become brown,
other colors disappoint you.
100
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,327
[chuckles]
101
00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:31,373
There are two Mexicans behind.
"Write this nonsense, man.
102
00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:35,085
This also applies to us.
103
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:39,881
No, I'm sorry.
I don't mean to insult,
like Mexicans
I'm sorry.
104
00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:42,050
I'm just a comedian.
I did not run for president.
105
00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:43,927
[audience laughs]
106
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:46,805
Oh come on.
We have to talk about this nonsense.
We do
107
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:50,809
Are you okay, friend?
I am sorry.
Are you alright?
108
00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:52,828
Fuck the Netflix event.
We will turn off the camera.
109
00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:55,146
We will only hug each other for one hour.
Let's do it
110
00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:59,276
And believe me, like Indians, we understand.
111
00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:02,279
We understand.
112
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,573
We have both,
in a very poetic coincidence,
113
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:07,867
very large, very popular,
very scary,
114
00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:10,328
very orange leadership
to run our country.
115
00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:15,375
Are you like our new prime minister?
116
00:06:15,458 --> 00:06:17,669
- [cheering]
- Me too.
117
00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:20,755
Like, not all are Modi errors.
118
00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,758
You can't blame Modi for everything.
This is a parliamentary system.
119
00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:28,346
Plus, to blame the prime minister,
He must rather be here.
120
00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:32,868
And this is what I like about the American presidential system.
121
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:36,396
At least you always know
where is the president
Right?
122
00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:38,732
He is in the White House,
and you know that house
123
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,055
because you have seen it explode
in ten different films.
124
00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:45,381
This is another thing, like,
with an American film
125
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,949
They continue to blow up their White House.
Do you notice this?
126
00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,701
This is very cathartic.
127
00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:53,496
Like, aliens blow up the White House.
Gerard Butler blew up the White House.
128
00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:55,832
Donald Trump will blow up the White House.
129
00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:58,335
[audience cheers]
130
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:05,175
But you never saw it
in, like, Indian movies right?
131
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:09,054
You have never seen a foreign hover in Delhi
and only detonated Lok Sabha.
132
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:12,724
Because Indians will not believe that nonsense.
133
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:14,643
Be like, "What a stupid alien.
134
00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:18,104
This is parliament.
There is no one there.
135
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:22,150
This is Monday."
136
00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:26,738
But they get cool addresses in America.
They got the White House, man.
137
00:07:26,821 --> 00:07:28,365
What is the address of Modi?
138
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,009
Who knows where Modi lives,
139
00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:32,011
apart from the hearts of Hindus
and memories of Muslims?
140
00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:34,245
Huh?
Who knows?
I just said
141
00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:36,957
[applause, applause]
142
00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,459
But they did that in their films.
143
00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:42,712
I remember watching American movies
called Air Force One.
144
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,756
- Do you remember the film, guys?
- [applause]
145
00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:48,259
They hijack the president
from a United States plane.
146
00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:51,596
You can't do that with Modi.
He flies Air India.
147
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:56,559
Do you know how difficult it is
hijack Air India planes?
148
00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:59,229
"All right,
Everyone falls to the floor."
149
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,022
"Eh, excuse me, sir." "Shut up.
150
00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:02,774
All right, raise your hands in the air."
151
00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:04,943
"Eh, excuse me, sir." "Shut up.
152
00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:07,463
This plane belongs to the Khilafah
of the Brotherhood..."
153
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,906
"Sorry, sir." "What?"
154
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,616
"Sir, vegetables or non-vegetables?"
155
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,999
"Are you serious?
I tried to take hostages."
156
00:08:19,082 --> 00:08:21,918
"Sir, we don't have that.
We have chicken tikka or palak paneer."
157
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,422
[stutter] "good.
Vegetables
All right?"
158
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,132
"Sir, we run out of vegetables."
159
00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:29,467
"Then why are you...? Stop crowding in the alley, okay?
Lose weight, right?
Get out.
160
00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:32,431
Okay, who is the pilot?"
161
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:35,015
"Sir, I am an airplane pilot."
162
00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:36,933
"Fine,
You will call your government
163
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,703
and tell them not to expect
your prime minister tomorrow."
164
00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:41,062
"Sir, they don't expect it tomorrow.
165
00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:43,940
166
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,236
They never know when to wait for him, sir. "
167
00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:51,948
" How do they not know when to expect it?
He is a prime minister, not the rainy season. "
168
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,032
" Sir, frutti? "
169
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:55,952
" Bitch, I will cut off your head
and shoot your severed head.
170
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:01,416
Okay, where is the prime minister? "
171
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,251
" Sir, he is in the economy. "
172
00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:05,754
" Don't lie to me. "
173
00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:08,923
" No sir, in Air India,
The first class chair does not lean.
174
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:11,593
But if you get three economic seats, it becomes a flat bed.
175
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:12,886
Very comfortable, sir. "
176
00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:18,600
But I don't mean to insult my country,
women and men.
177
00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:23,063
- I am a patriotic Indian.
Are you, yes
- [audience] huh!
178
00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:25,690
My patriotism is based on
in a very simple fact:
179
00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:28,693
that this country is where I live.
180
00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:30,153
That's it.
181
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:33,031
I live in India.
I am proud of India.
182
00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:37,410
If I live in Estonia,
I will be proud of Estonia.
183
00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:41,247
If I live in Zimbabwe, I will move to Estonia.
184
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:47,337
There is no middle ground
in India again
185
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,381
We all have to adjust.
You are left wing or right wing.
186
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:54,135
Left wing or right wing.
187
00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:56,554
It's like you think India is a bird.
188
00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,765
India is not a bird.
Birds are free.
189
00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:02,393
[applause]
190
00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,898
India is a goldfish, ladies and gentlemen.
191
00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:08,942
This is a very good goldfish,
but it's a goldfish.
192
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,361
We have a memory of 15 seconds.
193
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,529
This is India.
194
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:15,240
"I'm Indian.
I live in a bowl.
195
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:16,741
I like my bowl.
196
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:19,869
I don't want anything more
than what is in my bowl
197
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:22,372
There is another world outside the bowl,
198
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,833
199
00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:27,961
a world with a different culture,
different ideologies, different beliefs,
200
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:29,587
different sexual orientations.
201
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:32,590
I have to study.
I have to embrace
I have to...
202
00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:35,802
I am Indian
I live in a bowl.
203
00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:39,180
I don't want anything more than what I have in my bowl. "
204
00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,809
But don't worry.
I think there is a good side.
205
00:10:42,892 --> 00:10:46,354
The way I see all this works
for you is you like a girl
206
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:49,190
You know what I mean? about seven years.
207
00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:50,692
Barack is a good person,
but it doesn't work.
208
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:53,111
And you break up.
209
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:54,779
210
00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:58,700
And then you meet this older man, Bernie,
but he is too geeky for you,
211
00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:00,368
But he has a good idea.
212
00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:02,513
And then you, like,
in long distance relationships
213
00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:03,997
with this girl named Hillary,
214
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,708
but everything is in e-mail
and you don't like that nonsense.
215
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:11,337
And finally,
Your parents force you to marry a boy.
216
00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:15,425
This is your arranged marriage,
women and men.
217
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:19,012
In the most literal sense,
Your parents choose this person for you,
218
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:21,097
Because you didn't choose it.
219
00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:23,600
[laughter spread, applause]
220
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,813
Look at the sad Indians clapping.
221
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:35,504
But I don't think that
will change that much.
222
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,488
I think it will only...
This will be a temporary thing,
223
00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:41,743
but that will redefine
American patriotism for a while
224
00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:44,621
Because of your patriotism, it must be very open, very accepting.
225
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:49,667
It feels like, "Man, welcome to America,
Free land, a brave house.
226
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:53,212
That's everyone.
227
00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:54,464
And now just go
to change for a while.
228
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:55,840
This will be like, "America.
We'll see."
229
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,610
230
00:11:57,634 --> 00:11:59,761
231
00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:03,741
I want to leave you with the bright side.
232
00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,017
Even this big orange cloud
has a silver layer.
233
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:07,560
OK?
Well, here it is.
234
00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:10,021
I really think this will decrease
about terrorism
I do
235
00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:14,359
This will reduce terrorism,
Because, honestly, what's the use?
236
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:22,075
"We have to bomb America."
237
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:23,660
"Well, why do we have an American bomb?"
238
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,537
"To leave them in a state of despair,
despair and collapse."
239
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:37,674
"They beat us for that.
240
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,468
Looks like a bit excessive."
241
00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:42,804
But this is a scary person.
242
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:45,390
We see it on TV every day.
"We have to ban 'Muh-slims'. Kick out 'Muh-slims'.
Run 'Muh-slims'.
243
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:48,059
Discard all 'Muh-slims'.
There are no 'Muh-slims'. "
244
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,770
And the whole world watched it
go, "This is Muslim, you are a whore.
245
00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:55,441
Learn how to pronounce it
before you forbid it, right?
246
00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:01,739
Muslims are religious beliefs.
Muslin is cloth. prohibit stretchy clothes, you idiot? "
247
00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:05,201
I understand religious phobia,
women and men.
248
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:09,998
Do you believe we live in the world,
in an atmosphere of religious phobia?
249
00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:15,670
- Yes or no.
- [audience] huh!
250
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:18,631
251
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,383
252
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:23,136
Do you believe that 99 percent
that phobia doesn't make sense?
253
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:24,721
- Yes or no.
- [audience] huh!
254
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,056
Do you believe in religion?
what is the problem
255
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:28,766
- [audience] huh!
- Not me.
256
00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:30,351
Religion is good in his heart.
257
00:13:30,435 --> 00:13:32,235
Right, ladies and gentlemen?
It's always good.
258
00:13:34,439 --> 00:13:36,733
Five things you don't do,
they write it
259
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:37,942
Four of them make sense.
260
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:40,236
The fifth they add
just to make love to you
261
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:42,822
Just to see if you pay attention.
262
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:46,492
That's religion.
Don't lie
Don't cheat.
Don't kill
Don't joke
263
00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:48,953
Don't eat non-vegetables on Tuesday.
264
00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:51,622
[cheering]
265
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,170
Don't wear underwear on Sunday nights.
That is religion.
266
00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:59,690
Ladies, this is religion.
Release them.
I swear to God.
267
00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:01,382
We will go to heaven together.
268
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:03,009
Come on.
269
00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:07,197
Like, for me, the problem is not religion.
270
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,015
This is a religious text, ladies and gentlemen.
271
00:14:09,098 --> 00:14:12,060
Think about what you are reading.
Quran, the Gita, the Holy Bible.
272
00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:15,438
You are reading
some versions are written ancient dude
273
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:19,400
from what he heard some men who were truly miraculous
he had never met
274
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:22,904
told some other men who were truly miraculous
he had never met
275
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:25,907
It is said to some human men whom he has never met.
276
00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,992
There are no facts.
There is no verification.
277
00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,369
They only print that crap.
278
00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:32,872
You read 3,000 years
Times of India, respectable women and men.
279
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,035
That's what you are reading.
280
00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:41,339
And people say nonsense at that time
all the time.
281
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,299
Ordinary people say things like,
282
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:47,053
"He who questions the authority of God
must open the pit of death,
283
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:50,473
284
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:53,768
and arrows of meek people
will rise into the kingdom of heaven
285
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:55,686
in a stolen butter paradise. "
286
00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:58,648
Fuck.
That is the sentence at that time,
women and men.
287
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:03,319
Because people at that time are
high like balls, okay?
288
00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:08,408
And all the nonsense that was said at that time
made sense for that moment.
289
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:13,037
That
290
00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,121
because at that time,
There was no good way to identify a thief. = You see a one-handed man,
You like, "Fucking thief."
291
00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:24,340
So you know who they are.
292
00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:29,720
293
00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:32,849
294
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,068
295
00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:51,534
Or like Christianity has a saying.
296
00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:54,245
"Don't have premarital sex."
Ever heard that?
297
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,630
So the advice is good.
298
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,968
"Hey, don't try and kill someone
when you are eight and a half
299
00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:14,515
Learn to write a letter 'G'
300
00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:17,143
before you find the place
associated with it."
301
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:22,148
We need updates
religious texts in the world.
302
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:24,293
Do you agree with me,
women and men?
Yes or no.
303
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,903
- [audience] huh!
- good
So I have a plan.
304
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:31,616
We will take all major religions
and just give it to the Apple company.
305
00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:36,162
Every six months, Apple can update
and relaunch the religion to the world.
306
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,498
How good is that?
That is what we need.
307
00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:41,209
We need Islam 6s, ladies and gentlemen.
308
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,586
We need Jesus Pro.
309
00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:46,339
We need GitaBook Air.
310
00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:48,549
If nothing else,
you will reduce fanaticism.
311
00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:49,842
You will slow it down.
312
00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:52,553
You can imagine how much we will reduce fanaticism if each of you wants it
to do jihad...
313
00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:54,889
first you have to sign
a new online deal with Apple?
314
00:16:57,517 --> 00:17:00,353
Suppose you have to get jihad ID?
315
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:03,564
316
00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:08,402
Then you must align all your bombs
and your device to the same jihad.
317
00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:11,822
Unless one bomb doesn't work
with the old version of iTunes,
318
00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:14,784
so now you have to download
the new version from iTunes.
319
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:18,829
And then you are ready to go to heaven
and get 72 of your virgins,
320
00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:23,251
but your iCloud only holds six virgins,
and now you have to upgrade.
321
00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:29,637
Do you know what my favorite part is
from the joke?
322
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:33,052
It's just that Android users leave,
"What is he talking about?
323
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:37,932
What clouds
Are there clouds?
You have clouds
324
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,686
My Samsung explodes, then there is a cloud.
Is that a cloud?
I don't know."
325
00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:50,361
And who is Islamophobia
in today's world
326
00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:53,364
need to look long and hard at the history of their own religion.
327
00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:55,616
Let's talk about that, huh?
328
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:57,700
♪ If you are a Hindu and you know it
applause ♪
329
00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:58,786
[audience claps]
330
00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:00,955
♪ If you are a Hindu and you know it
applause ♪
331
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:04,351
♪ If you are a Hindu and you know it
Then you really want to show it ♪
332
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:07,628
♪ Join the government and apply
Subliminal fascist policy ♪
333
00:18:07,712 --> 00:18:09,171
♪ Hey ♪
334
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,800
Hey, Hindus, remember sati?
335
00:18:16,304 --> 00:18:18,889
Yes, we did that for 2,000 years.
336
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:23,561
Remember when a woman's husband will die
and we will cremate her, not alone.
337
00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:29,648
So the whole village
will gather around the wife.
338
00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:31,277
"Sushma, I'm very sorry.
339
00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:36,073
What a terrible thing that happened.
340
00:18:37,325 --> 00:18:38,826
"What?"
341
00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:42,288
342
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:45,333
343
00:18:45,416 --> 00:18:48,628
"No, take your time.
Sing a song.
Take a breath.
Whatever you need. But finally, it's just mosey there."
344
00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:51,297
"Inside the fire?"
345
00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:54,675
"Yes."
346
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:56,218
- "Why do I have to enter the fire?"
- "B-B-B-Because he will go to heaven."
347
00:18:57,386 --> 00:19:00,556
"Why doesn't he go alone?"
348
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,767
"It's not a deer."
349
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,685
But I am a Hindu, bad ladies and gentlemen,
350
00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:09,625
Because I am not loyal anymore
with Christianity
351
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,859
And I guess I'm not alone.
Come on, Hindus.
Raise your hand.
352
00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:17,799
Let me see, people.
Raise your hand.
Come on.
Raise your hand.
353
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:19,968
354
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,328
Now, raise your hand
355
00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:25,748
If you, as a Hindu in New York,
have celebrated Christmas
356
00:19:26,457 --> 00:19:29,418
Look, we will go to hell together,
we all.
357
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:32,356
But it's not religious.
You just want damn trees and shopping, right?
358
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:33,540
That's why you do that nonsense.
359
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:38,469
Because this Christmas is amazing,
is confusing, exciting festival right?
360
00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:41,389
Especially for Hindus in New York.
There is snow everywhere.
361
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:43,992
We don't know whether to play with
or just stand there
362
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,726
and ask for independent Kashmir.
363
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:53,502
Christmas is all about trees,
women and men.
364
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:56,112
The trees surpassed Christianity
long ago.
365
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,781
Jesus will rise from the dead today,
on Christmas Eve,
366
00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:02,118
the only person in JFK who can accept it
will become a Hindu cabdriver.
367
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,788
"I am Jesus, Son of God.
368
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:08,416
I have returned.
Take me to my people."
369
00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:10,167
Hindu taxi driver
[laughs]
370
00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:12,002
"Father.
Jesus, you came here.
371
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:15,840
Look, I'm very sorry, Jesus.
372
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,552
Your people are with trees."
373
00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:24,181
"What do you mean, trees?
That is ridiculous.
I am the Son of God."
374
00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:26,308
"Yes, you know, this is ironic,
Jesus.
375
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:30,730
The second time in your life
You are defeated by a piece of wood. "
376
00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,565
[audience] Ooh!
377
00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:37,445
Yes, but ten minutes of Muslim jokes
it's okay with you, huh?
378
00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:43,743
[chuckles]
379
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,084
But it's good to be here,
women and men.
380
00:20:47,121 --> 00:20:49,957
The best part of my job is that I get
to travel and perform for people
381
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,460
which I don't understand
and they don't understand me.
382
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:54,420
Clear.
383
00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:57,465
And we work out.
384
00:20:57,548 --> 00:21:00,885
Like , my whole life has been
long journey
385
00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:05,097
Let me tell you a little about myself.
I grew up in Lagos, Nigeria, in Africa.
386
00:21:05,973 --> 00:21:09,226
I then went to school
at Delhi Public School, NOIDA.
387
00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:13,856
I then went to college
in Galesburg, Illinois, in the Midwest,
388
00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:16,025
and finally I sit in Bollywood.
389
00:21:17,485 --> 00:21:20,488
Have traveled a lot
towards a more beautiful skin.
390
00:21:20,571 --> 00:21:22,490
[laughter]
391
00:21:22,573 --> 00:21:24,492
[applause]
392
00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:29,371
But I want to come to America.
This is my big dream.
393
00:21:29,455 --> 00:21:32,541
The first time I landed in New York City,
I am 18 years old When the sun rises
Above the Manhattan horizon, I cry.
394
00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:36,462
And that has nothing to do
with American or American dreams.
395
00:21:37,546 --> 00:21:40,549
I have breakfast.
396
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:42,218
397
00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:45,262
Because I grew up in the world of cornflakes,
guys.
398
00:21:45,346 --> 00:21:48,140
Imagine a universe of endless cornflakes.
399
00:21:48,224 --> 00:21:52,061
And not even real cornflakes.
That crap Mohan Meakin is dirty.
400
00:21:53,354 --> 00:21:55,356
Ostrich stool cornflakes.
401
00:21:57,274 --> 00:21:59,485
[chuckles] Then I landed
in New York City,
402
00:21:59,568 --> 00:22:02,404
and someone gave me
Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
403
00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:09,912
And I... it's messed up with my head.
404
00:22:11,622 --> 00:22:14,542
Because my brain knows
that what I eat is not cinnamon...
405
00:22:15,376 --> 00:22:18,003
or toast or crunch.
406
00:22:18,546 --> 00:22:20,881
But my heart believes,
women and men.
407
00:22:21,841 --> 00:22:25,135
Because what is cereal initially?
It's just a way to get milk to children.
408
00:22:25,219 --> 00:22:27,680
Right?
Make interesting milk for children.
409
00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:31,100
What God does with the breast,
Americans do it with breakfast cereals.
410
00:22:33,811 --> 00:22:35,729
The best version of the transaction.
411
00:22:38,148 --> 00:22:40,067
You don't appreciate your American luxury.
412
00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:43,237
I go to your supermarket the other day.
You have a hallway for cereal.
413
00:22:44,822 --> 00:22:46,865
A passageway for cereal.
414
00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:48,951
There are still countries with apartheid.
415
00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:50,202
You have a hallway.
416
00:22:50,953 --> 00:22:52,830
Height of 60 feet three feet.
417
00:22:52,913 --> 00:22:56,000
That's 600...
In Bombay, it's school, okay?
418
00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:02,923
In Africa, it's a university,
women and men.
419
00:23:04,925 --> 00:23:06,927
And your food looks really good.
Humans.
420
00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:09,555
I saw an advertisement for French fries on TV the other day.
421
00:23:09,638 --> 00:23:11,181
Fucking should win an Oscar.
422
00:23:11,765 --> 00:23:14,445
I don't know why not.
Maybe black people succeed.
I'm not sure
423
00:23:15,686 --> 00:23:17,646
- [chuckles]
- [applause]
424
00:23:18,355 --> 00:23:19,607
Thank you, racist.
425
00:23:20,983 --> 00:23:22,443
That's cinematic...
426
00:23:22,526 --> 00:23:26,822
There is a golden sunset
and a philharmonic orchestra.
427
00:23:26,905 --> 00:23:32,077
And French fries fall in slow motion,
With, like, CGI sprinkles of salt.
428
00:23:32,161 --> 00:23:34,163
And then there is a girl in a bikini,
429
00:23:34,246 --> 00:23:37,207
and the fries are rappelled down
the tittie side is very slow.
430
00:23:37,291 --> 00:23:40,794
And I just saw that,
"Oh, Allah, Allah, Allah!"
431
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:43,505
Potatoes.
432
00:23:44,923 --> 00:23:46,300
Potatoes!
433
00:23:46,383 --> 00:23:47,885
Potatoes.
434
00:23:50,095 --> 00:23:52,139
I shouldn't do that nonsense.
435
00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:57,436
- [applause]
- [man] Whoo!
436
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:00,814
I just fucked myself.
437
00:24:01,482 --> 00:24:03,668
I will do the right thing
smart material tonight
438
00:24:03,692 --> 00:24:06,236
Your takeaway will only be...
potatoes!
439
00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:09,615
[chuckles] "How's the Vir Das show?"
440
00:24:09,698 --> 00:24:10,949
Potatoes.
441
00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:19,583
But it's an erotic experience.
Chick in bikini
There is sex with food.
442
00:24:19,667 --> 00:24:21,919
You can't do nonsense with Indian food.
443
00:24:24,338 --> 00:24:26,799
Only get naked girls
and fall in the heat all over his body.
444
00:24:26,882 --> 00:24:28,175
"Aah!"
445
00:24:29,593 --> 00:24:30,844
[chuckles]
446
00:24:30,928 --> 00:24:34,139
But let's talk about this.
Indian food.
Hold your hand if you agree.
447
00:24:34,223 --> 00:24:37,351
- Disgusting food on the planet.
- [applause]
448
00:24:39,812 --> 00:24:42,356
Not the best cuisine
on this planet
449
00:24:43,023 --> 00:24:46,318
Indian cuisine all looks like you
digest some other dishes.
450
00:24:49,071 --> 00:24:52,449
Saag Paneer for dinner
Looks like you have a Greek salad for lunch.
451
00:24:53,575 --> 00:24:55,994
Yes, close your eyes.
Really the picture.
452
00:24:57,663 --> 00:24:59,641
Indian food is not visual food,
women and men.
453
00:24:59,665 --> 00:25:02,126
Like, I watch MasterChef Australia
454
00:25:02,209 --> 00:25:04,086
That is visual food, isn't it?
455
00:25:04,169 --> 00:25:07,172
"Oh, I like what you have done
with the plating and the settings.
456
00:25:07,256 --> 00:25:08,924
Extraordinary."
457
00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:11,635
You show all three of these dudes
a bowl of competition, bro,
458
00:25:11,719 --> 00:25:13,178
they will lose their minds.
459
00:25:14,430 --> 00:25:15,806
"Oh, damn.
460
00:25:16,765 --> 00:25:18,684
Is it sick before dying?"
461
00:25:18,767 --> 00:25:21,437
[applause]
462
00:25:23,147 --> 00:25:26,608
"Can we make people see this?
as punishment for petty crime?"
463
00:25:28,277 --> 00:25:32,072
Like, Indian food is not visual food.
This is food, ladies and gentlemen.
464
00:25:32,156 --> 00:25:34,616
Like,
If you walk past an Indian restaurant
465
00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:37,035
and there are beautiful food pictures,
466
00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:39,681
You won't go to that restaurant,
would you, ladies and gentlemen?
467
00:25:39,705 --> 00:25:40,706
You won't do it.
468
00:25:40,789 --> 00:25:43,041
But if the door opens
and you hear someone say...
469
00:25:43,125 --> 00:25:45,878
[speaking Hindi]
470
00:25:47,504 --> 00:25:49,173
You will order everything on the menu.
471
00:25:49,256 --> 00:25:51,592
[audience cheers]
472
00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:54,261
Also, Indian food is romantic food.
473
00:25:54,344 --> 00:25:57,144
There's nothing romantic about sitting
with someone and having dinner
474
00:25:57,181 --> 00:25:59,141
[snoring]
475
00:25:59,224 --> 00:26:01,935
But if you can spend your life
with someone who is just...
476
00:26:02,019 --> 00:26:05,272
[slurping] Ahh!
477
00:26:06,064 --> 00:26:08,150
That's true love, ladies and gentlemen.
478
00:26:10,694 --> 00:26:13,864
This is why I believe you will never be able to do it
an Indian Bond criminal.
479
00:26:14,698 --> 00:26:17,451
Because Bond criminals always eat or drink something while they say some really bad crap.
480
00:26:17,534 --> 00:26:19,995
"Greetings, Mr. Bond.
481
00:26:21,246 --> 00:26:23,081
You shouldn't come here today.
482
00:26:23,165 --> 00:26:25,083
Tonight you're dead."
483
00:26:25,167 --> 00:26:26,877
"Bonsoir, Monsieur Bonds.
484
00:26:27,961 --> 00:26:29,755
We have been waiting for you.
485
00:26:29,838 --> 00:26:31,632
Tonight you die."
486
00:26:31,715 --> 00:26:33,342
Indian food.
"Yeah, hello, Bond.
487
00:26:33,425 --> 00:26:35,427
Look, you have to...
488
00:26:36,804 --> 00:26:38,055
You don't have to...
489
00:26:38,764 --> 00:26:40,015
Damn it
Eat this vindaloo.
You will die."
490
00:26:40,557 --> 00:26:42,768
491
00:26:44,061 --> 00:26:46,647
Plus, Bond knows how to fire a rifle.
492
00:26:48,649 --> 00:26:51,318
Indians are not good with firearms.
That is why I respect your country.
493
00:26:51,401 --> 00:26:54,571
You take all
control from the gun making process.
494
00:26:54,655 --> 00:26:57,950
You produce a gun,
bullets, victims, all at home.
495
00:27:00,035 --> 00:27:03,038
Like, in India, we don't have weapons, so we don't have gun violence.
496
00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:04,414
Right, guys
497
00:27:04,498 --> 00:27:07,668
You can't have a typical
American weapon shooting in India.
498
00:27:07,751 --> 00:27:11,964
You can't.
Because first, in India,
you will never find a gay nightclub.
499
00:27:14,383 --> 00:27:16,426
Because of that WhatsApp group.
500
00:27:18,303 --> 00:27:20,722
Followed by, like, tea at Raju's house.
501
00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:24,852
Or, like, you can't shoot Indians
sit in the cinema
You can't.
502
00:27:24,935 --> 00:27:28,605
Because Indians don't sit still
During Bollywood movies, right?
503
00:27:28,689 --> 00:27:32,401
You know how difficult it is to shoot
someone goes...?
[singing in Hinduism]
504
00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:34,403
♪ Heh heh heh hey ♪
505
00:27:41,493 --> 00:27:43,161
So you have weapons.
506
00:27:43,662 --> 00:27:45,581
And you don't go
to get rid of the weapon.
507
00:27:45,664 --> 00:27:49,626
But can you at least change weapons?
Or put your own technology into a weapon.
508
00:27:49,710 --> 00:27:52,921
America, you find an iPhone.
It's done well.
509
00:27:53,005 --> 00:27:55,048
That has Siri.
It's done well.
510
00:27:55,132 --> 00:27:58,427
It doesn't understand my accent.
What the fuck
So...
511
00:28:00,512 --> 00:28:02,472
Use that crap.
Siri for weapons.
512
00:28:03,223 --> 00:28:05,893
You must convince the gun
to let you shoot the gun.
513
00:28:06,894 --> 00:28:09,146
Can you imagine a terrorist?
"Siri!"
514
00:28:09,897 --> 00:28:11,356
"What can I do for you?"
515
00:28:12,441 --> 00:28:13,942
"I want to kill infidels!"
516
00:28:14,026 --> 00:28:17,154
"Sounds like you said
You want to sing 'Jingle Bells'."
517
00:28:18,196 --> 00:28:19,907
♪ Jingle Bells ♪
518
00:28:21,783 --> 00:28:24,828
Because weapons are an audible experience
too, ladies and gentlemen.
519
00:28:24,912 --> 00:28:27,372
Sound is heard here.
Something happened there.
520
00:28:27,456 --> 00:28:31,043
The first time I realized this,
I saw an American cowboy movie.
521
00:28:31,126 --> 00:28:33,837
This is called Good, Bad, Bad.
Do you remember that?
522
00:28:33,921 --> 00:28:36,757
Because they gave the cowboys
like good sound effects right?
523
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:41,470
He used to walk in...
[imitating running boots]
524
00:28:42,471 --> 00:28:43,764
[whooshing]
525
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:46,099
[imitating shot]
526
00:28:47,100 --> 00:28:48,518
[exhale]
527
00:28:49,937 --> 00:28:52,272
You can't give Indians
that sound effect
528
00:28:52,356 --> 00:28:54,191
We are too excited.
We will play games.
529
00:28:57,861 --> 00:28:59,154
[imitating running boots]
530
00:29:05,035 --> 00:29:06,912
[imitating running boots]
531
00:29:16,338 --> 00:29:19,258
[beat boxing]
532
00:29:20,717 --> 00:29:22,177
We are not cruel people.
533
00:29:22,261 --> 00:29:24,781
This is why you don't have it
Indian terrorists, ladies and gentlemen.
534
00:29:24,805 --> 00:29:27,975
Indians... We will never install bombs
in buildings, don't you, guys?
535
00:29:28,058 --> 00:29:30,477
That's not our style.
That is cruel.
That is violence.
536
00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:32,562
But more than that, it's not efficient.
537
00:29:34,064 --> 00:29:37,109
We will place an
accountant in the building, buy a building,
538
00:29:37,192 --> 00:29:40,821
make sure there is real estate investment
Around the building, wait ten years
539
00:29:40,904 --> 00:29:43,532
and sell the property back to you
at an 80 percent escalation.
540
00:29:43,615 --> 00:29:45,909
That's Indian terrorism.
541
00:29:48,912 --> 00:29:51,915
Our business practices are our terrorism.
542
00:29:56,086 --> 00:29:57,879
Speaking of terrorism,
women and men,
543
00:29:57,963 --> 00:30:00,507
I think I'm ready to be a father.
544
00:30:02,676 --> 00:30:04,052
[man] Whoo!
545
00:30:04,136 --> 00:30:05,989
Because I've stopped worrying
about the little things
546
00:30:06,013 --> 00:30:08,473
like the right segues between routines.
547
00:30:08,557 --> 00:30:11,560
[laughter spread]
548
00:30:12,561 --> 00:30:14,146
Thank you, three people.
549
00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:17,399
No, I want to have children,
women and men,
550
00:30:17,482 --> 00:30:19,401
Because, first, I know how to make it.
551
00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:23,655
Damn it
I make children like me make Maggi.
Two minutes.
No one is satisfied.
552
00:30:23,739 --> 00:30:25,907
That's what I'm talking about.
553
00:30:27,534 --> 00:30:28,785
But I'm at that age
554
00:30:28,869 --> 00:30:33,373
where I only found myself
looked at children and had desires.
555
00:30:33,457 --> 00:30:35,000
[laughs]
556
00:30:35,083 --> 00:30:36,626
[man] Ohh!
557
00:30:36,710 --> 00:30:38,295
Oh, shut up, okay?
558
00:30:40,714 --> 00:30:45,010
I will tell you this story.
I was in Bombay and I had a car accident.
559
00:30:45,093 --> 00:30:49,014
And that's the day I knew
I was ready to be a father.
Right?
560
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:51,892
I am in my Range Rover.
We are at the breaker speed, stationary.
561
00:30:51,975 --> 00:30:54,519
Suddenly, I heard...
[imitating the horn, thumping]
562
00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:58,607
I left the passenger side,
and I saw a circle of people
563
00:30:58,690 --> 00:31:01,443
Gathering around a scooter, two wheels,
who have slipped,
564
00:31:01,526 --> 00:31:05,864
the boy on the floor is crying
and a girl who is in shock.
565
00:31:05,947 --> 00:31:08,992
So I took this child, and I like it,
"What happened?"
566
00:31:09,076 --> 00:31:12,329
"Sir, I taught him to drive
scooters, and it was the rainy season.
567
00:31:12,412 --> 00:31:14,539
He did not know how to drive.
We hit a lamp post. And at that moment, I experienced
first I had two father's emotions.
568
00:31:14,623 --> 00:31:17,250
"Number one, I have to save this girl.
I have to save this girl."
569
00:31:18,001 --> 00:31:22,381
But it's far more paternal than that...
570
00:31:22,964 --> 00:31:27,302
I want to kill this child.
571
00:31:27,386 --> 00:31:29,638
Who taught a girl to drive a scooter
in the rainy season?
572
00:31:30,347 --> 00:31:32,349
573
00:31:34,226 --> 00:31:37,229
574
00:31:37,312 --> 00:31:38,939
I will kill this child.
575
00:31:39,022 --> 00:31:41,149
I took the girl,
put her in the Range Rover.
576
00:31:41,233 --> 00:31:43,044
I tried to get the boy,
But he still cried.
577
00:31:43,068 --> 00:31:45,028
I like,
"I will kill it in Range Rover.
578
00:31:45,112 --> 00:31:47,489
I have money.
We will be compensated."
579
00:31:48,407 --> 00:31:50,909
We then arrived at the hospital.
We spend around 7,000 rupees.
580
00:31:50,992 --> 00:31:53,221
Take him to the emergency room.
The girl will be fine.
581
00:31:53,245 --> 00:31:55,664
The boy is still crying.
I like, "Do you know what?
582
00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:58,583
Now we are in a perfect atmosphere
for me to kill this child
583
00:31:58,667 --> 00:32:01,169
We are in the hospital.
There are morgues downstairs.
584
00:32:01,253 --> 00:32:02,504
Someone will write a report.
585
00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:05,173
I might have
fake hit-and-run cases against me.
586
00:32:05,257 --> 00:32:07,509
Damn it
Double or not at all.
Murder.
Let's go. "
587
00:32:07,592 --> 00:32:10,595
I reach this child,
Who is higher than me for some reason?
588
00:32:11,888 --> 00:32:14,015
I say,
" Now give me his father's phone number
589
00:32:14,099 --> 00:32:16,327
because we have to tell the family
An accident occurred. "
590
00:32:16,351 --> 00:32:18,103
He is like," Sir, I can't do that. "
591
00:32:18,728 --> 00:32:19,855
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
592
00:32:19,938 --> 00:32:23,233
♪ I will kill this child
I will kill this child ♪
593
00:32:23,316 --> 00:32:26,111
He is like, "Sir, you don't understand.
He's a Hindu."
594
00:32:27,362 --> 00:32:28,947
"No, you don't understand.
595
00:32:31,867 --> 00:32:33,535
Are you familiar with the concept?
No?
596
00:32:33,618 --> 00:32:36,746
Eat a cheeseburger in Maharashtra,
and you will know what that nonsense is." He is like, "No, sir, you don't understand.
597
00:32:37,914 --> 00:32:39,875
I am a Muslim
598
00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:41,042
His father doesn't know.
599
00:32:42,711 --> 00:32:44,254
If he knows he is with a Muslim boy,
600
00:32:45,172 --> 00:32:47,257
he will never let he left
from home again. Please contact the mother.
He knows. "
601
00:32:47,340 --> 00:32:49,801
"Fuck, man!
Annoyed
602
00:32:49,885 --> 00:32:51,595
I almost killed you, bro.
It's close
603
00:32:55,765 --> 00:32:58,143
604
00:32:58,226 --> 00:33:00,729
605
00:33:00,812 --> 00:33:03,190
I am in the action zone now.
606
00:33:03,273 --> 00:33:04,858
I am on Die Hard 4.
607
00:33:04,941 --> 00:33:07,777
You came to me with a plot of
from Merchant .
Fuck, man. "
608
00:33:11,740 --> 00:33:16,036
And when I go home, ladies and gentlemen,
is only covered in blood...
609
00:33:17,162 --> 00:33:19,581
I know I'm ready to be a father.
610
00:33:20,290 --> 00:33:23,168
Not because I applied for first aid,
611
00:33:23,251 --> 00:33:26,671
because I got home sick,
because I saved the girl
612
00:33:27,506 --> 00:33:32,344
I knew I was ready to become a father
because I didn't kill that boy.
613
00:33:33,261 --> 00:33:35,472
614
00:33:37,140 --> 00:33:39,684
615
00:33:40,352 --> 00:33:44,689
This rejects the desire to commit murder
every morning
616
00:33:49,694 --> 00:33:51,655
Is that too emotional?
617
00:33:51,738 --> 00:33:54,574
Okay, just kill it.
Let's talk about many things
people are not emotional.
618
00:33:54,658 --> 00:33:57,953
[inhaling] Racism
Let's do that shit, huh?
Come on.
619
00:33:58,036 --> 00:34:00,080
♪ If you are racist and you know
applause ♪
620
00:34:00,163 --> 00:34:01,873
- [clapping]
- what the hell, bro
621
00:34:01,957 --> 00:34:03,500
[audience laughs]
622
00:34:03,583 --> 00:34:05,001
What's the matter?
623
00:34:08,713 --> 00:34:09,923
What is that...?
624
00:34:10,006 --> 00:34:11,716
I don't even...
625
00:34:14,302 --> 00:34:16,680
We know who you choose.
OK.
626
00:34:18,598 --> 00:34:21,619
You know what's weird
Two people applaud.
One of them is brown.
One white
627
00:34:21,643 --> 00:34:23,270
How does it work?
628
00:34:24,312 --> 00:34:26,481
It will be cold
if they look at each other.
Like...
629
00:34:29,568 --> 00:34:32,028
Now, I understand racism,
women and men.
630
00:34:32,112 --> 00:34:35,282
Indian people, we spend our lives
claiming that we are victims of racism.
631
00:34:35,365 --> 00:34:38,410
isn't it?
But anyway, all Indians return home...
632
00:34:39,369 --> 00:34:40,453
[man] Very racist.
633
00:34:40,537 --> 00:34:42,247
Racist pretty damn right?
634
00:34:42,330 --> 00:34:45,208
But this is strange
dichotomous failure of racism
635
00:34:45,292 --> 00:34:48,169
mixed with, like,
feudalism and slavery and curry.
636
00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:52,299
Like if a beautiful American girl,
blonde hair, blue eyes,
637
00:34:52,382 --> 00:34:54,634
come to Delhi
and are walking on the road
638
00:34:54,718 --> 00:34:56,678
because he's crazy...
639
00:35:01,516 --> 00:35:05,270
in two minutes, there will be two fat, bald, thin Indian men Across the street looking at it,
like, "Madam!
640
00:35:05,353 --> 00:35:08,064
Hello Madame!
641
00:35:08,898 --> 00:35:10,567
[kissing]
642
00:35:10,650 --> 00:35:11,651
Madame!"
643
00:35:11,735 --> 00:35:13,403
And think about the
dichotomy of racism.
644
00:35:14,738 --> 00:35:17,198
While they crept out, they still called him "Madame."
645
00:35:17,282 --> 00:35:20,660
There is respect there.
646
00:35:22,954 --> 00:35:24,372
And look, like most Eastern cultures, our version of racism...
647
00:35:28,293 --> 00:35:32,047
648
00:35:33,715 --> 00:35:37,135
is what we adapt
from what is taught to us.
649
00:35:40,347 --> 00:35:43,058
By english
I'm sorry.
It is true.
650
00:35:43,141 --> 00:35:45,578
This kind of English finds this nonsense.
Are they not, ladies and gentlemen?
651
00:35:45,602 --> 00:35:47,270
Because they rule the whole world.
652
00:35:47,354 --> 00:35:50,815
This is not the first Brexit that occurs in history, ladies and gentlemen.
653
00:35:50,899 --> 00:35:53,735
This is only the first intentional,
All right?
654
00:35:53,818 --> 00:35:56,946
Britain rules America.
They govern Africa.
Who rules the East.
655
00:35:57,030 --> 00:36:00,116
I feel like England must see America
The way Venus sees Serena.
656
00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:01,701
Like, "Bitch, I train you.
657
00:36:05,121 --> 00:36:06,873
You learn this nonsense from me."
658
00:36:07,499 --> 00:36:08,833
Lob.
659
00:36:09,417 --> 00:36:12,045
I will tell a story about racism, ladies and gentlemen,
660
00:36:12,128 --> 00:36:15,507
and I guarantee you at some point,
You will feel uncomfortable.
661
00:36:15,590 --> 00:36:17,884
But hold it there with me.
There is a good ending.
662
00:36:19,803 --> 00:36:24,724
So I surfed in southern India.
Small villages in Tamil Nadu.
663
00:36:24,808 --> 00:36:27,060
The type of village where everyone
spends ten hours a day
664
00:36:27,143 --> 00:36:28,853
on the beach, tanning, baking.
665
00:36:29,604 --> 00:36:33,358
Some different nationalities.
I, some English, some Aussies.
666
00:36:33,441 --> 00:36:35,568
Black man named Marcus.
667
00:36:36,069 --> 00:36:39,155
When Marcus holds a surfboard,
walk to the beach,
668
00:36:39,239 --> 00:36:43,368
he was stopped by a Tamil villager who said,
"Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
669
00:36:43,451 --> 00:36:46,538
You.
You are black
Blackie."
670
00:36:48,915 --> 00:36:50,041
Now, hang on.
671
00:36:51,251 --> 00:36:53,086
Instantly, your educated mind explodes.
672
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:56,506
Poof!
This is racism.
Even Marcus was shocked.
673
00:36:56,589 --> 00:36:59,342
He is like, "Man,
What are you saying to me?"
674
00:36:59,968 --> 00:37:03,805
He is like, "No, no, no.
You.
You are black
Blackie."
675
00:37:04,931 --> 00:37:06,599
This person then goes to his house,
676
00:37:06,683 --> 00:37:09,394
build two sleeping children
from their naps,
677
00:37:09,477 --> 00:37:10,854
When they rub their eyes,
678
00:37:10,937 --> 00:37:13,940
and said, "Look, look, look, look.
He's black.
Blackie."
679
00:37:15,442 --> 00:37:19,696
I submit to you that it's not racism
at two counts, ladies and gentlemen.
680
00:37:20,697 --> 00:37:23,116
Number one,
There is no malice in the person's heart.
681
00:37:23,199 --> 00:37:24,839
There is attraction.
There's curiosity.
682
00:37:25,452 --> 00:37:28,288
And number two,
this happened in Tamil Nadu...
683
00:37:30,498 --> 00:37:33,126
where villagers
and all of their families
684
00:37:33,209 --> 00:37:35,211
ten times darker than black people.
685
00:37:36,921 --> 00:37:39,716
And then the kids surround Marcus,
and they play with him,
686
00:37:39,799 --> 00:37:42,093
and he plays again,
they see his hand
687
00:37:42,177 --> 00:37:44,137
and see their own hands.
688
00:37:44,220 --> 00:37:46,347
And they touch their hair
and they touch their own hair.
689
00:37:46,431 --> 00:37:48,475
And anyone from the front corner
sees that
690
00:37:48,558 --> 00:37:50,810
says, "Yes, this is racism.
This qualifies."
691
00:37:50,894 --> 00:37:53,146
But if you make a small left
and see that,
692
00:37:53,229 --> 00:37:55,940
that is one of the most beautiful things
I have never seen.
693
00:37:56,691 --> 00:38:00,111
This is the most honest, simple,
non-judgmental, naive
694
00:38:00,195 --> 00:38:02,113
acknowledge our differences.
695
00:38:02,197 --> 00:38:03,990
Recognize them.
Because we are different.
696
00:38:04,073 --> 00:38:05,825
Aren't we, ladies and gentlemen?
697
00:38:05,909 --> 00:38:07,660
My hair is different.
My skin is different.
698
00:38:07,744 --> 00:38:10,079
My color is different.
My values are different.
699
00:38:10,163 --> 00:38:11,915
And it's okay to talk about it.
700
00:38:11,998 --> 00:38:14,167
If we only talk about facts
that we are different
701
00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:16,085
and acknowledge why we are different,
702
00:38:16,169 --> 00:38:18,171
instead of pretending
nothing is different
703
00:38:18,254 --> 00:38:20,298
and still secretly think
we are different,
704
00:38:20,381 --> 00:38:24,594
finally we can all be on the same page
and become less different.
705
00:38:26,304 --> 00:38:29,098
[applause, applause]
706
00:38:32,519 --> 00:38:34,312
If you bring that person out of Tamil Nadu
707
00:38:34,395 --> 00:38:37,190
and drop it here
in downtown New York,
708
00:38:37,273 --> 00:38:39,513
He will take a walk in Harlem
just go, "You are black, black.
709
00:38:39,567 --> 00:38:42,570
You are black, black
You are black, black
Black, black, black, black."
710
00:38:43,321 --> 00:38:45,281
And when he was released from the hospital...
711
00:38:46,407 --> 00:38:49,327
Look, it's okay
He won't understand
What he did wrong,
712
00:38:49,410 --> 00:38:52,580
Because for him, political correctness is not a concept he understands.
713
00:38:52,664 --> 00:38:56,084
Like, if there is nonsense in your head,
say once, learn, educate yourself,
714
00:38:56,167 --> 00:38:57,770
find out why it's wrong,
don't ever say it again
715
00:38:57,794 --> 00:38:59,688
- Do you agree with me?
Yes or no.
- [audience] huh
716
00:38:59,712 --> 00:39:01,339
Good.
So let's start tonight.
717
00:39:02,507 --> 00:39:06,845
So, white people, I leave it to you.
718
00:39:06,928 --> 00:39:09,472
All Indians, Pakistanis, Bangladeshis,
719
00:39:09,556 --> 00:39:11,307
Nepal and Sri Lanka.
720
00:39:11,933 --> 00:39:14,060
We all look the same.
721
00:39:15,144 --> 00:39:17,438
Please, confuse us everything you like.
722
00:39:18,064 --> 00:39:20,775
We are basically the same people.
No problem.
723
00:39:20,859 --> 00:39:23,486
The only difference between me and Pakistanis is improving the quality of music
and decreasing life expectancy.
724
00:39:23,570 --> 00:39:26,364
That's all, okay?
725
00:39:26,447 --> 00:39:27,782
[chuckles]
726
00:39:30,743 --> 00:39:31,786
Chinese, let me talk to you
Let's all relax and talk about this.
727
00:39:33,788 --> 00:39:37,166
Chinese,
I know that China is not the same as Laos,
728
00:39:37,250 --> 00:39:40,086
is not the same as the Philippines,
is not the same as Cambodia.
729
00:39:40,169 --> 00:39:42,630
But I also know that, like, light purple, light purple and lavender
730
00:39:42,714 --> 00:39:45,717
731
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:47,760
Everything is purple at a certain level, okay?
732
00:39:49,053 --> 00:39:50,489
White people, can I talk to you?
733
00:39:50,513 --> 00:39:54,183
Please stop overcompensating
for what your great grandfather did.
734
00:39:54,267 --> 00:39:57,520
Just because your great-grandfather is evil
For us doesn't mean you have to be nice.
735
00:39:58,396 --> 00:40:01,691
Every time I am with a white person, I feel
like Robin Williams on Good Will Hunting
736
00:40:02,525 --> 00:40:04,777
"It's not your fault, man.
It's not yours..."
737
00:40:04,861 --> 00:40:06,905
Forget it.
Be like Germany.
738
00:40:10,950 --> 00:40:13,620
Have you met Germans?
At least they handle it, right?
739
00:40:13,703 --> 00:40:16,456
"Some crap happens.
It's not cool.
From now on, I'll be cold.
740
00:40:16,539 --> 00:40:19,018
High five.
Take the train
This is great.
No gas
Electricity."
741
00:40:19,042 --> 00:40:20,668
Sucks work!
742
00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:25,548
Because we live in an angry world.
We live in an angry world.
743
00:40:25,632 --> 00:40:28,509
We need more love in the world.
Do you agree with me?
Yes or no.
744
00:40:28,593 --> 00:40:29,427
- [man] Whoo!
- good
745
00:40:29,510 --> 00:40:32,722
So after that setup is manipulative,
I want to talk about India and Pakistan.
746
00:40:32,805 --> 00:40:34,432
- Let's start.
- [cheering]
747
00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:37,661
I am aware of what is happening
with India and Pakistan
748
00:40:37,685 --> 00:40:40,563
is official leadership
mostly on that side
749
00:40:40,647 --> 00:40:42,732
making a bad official decision
750
00:40:42,815 --> 00:40:44,192
I understand
751
00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:46,069
But we basically are the same people.
752
00:40:46,152 --> 00:40:47,612
- Yes or no?
- Yes!
753
00:40:47,695 --> 00:40:50,823
Do we know why we hate each other,
women and men?
Do we know?
754
00:40:50,907 --> 00:40:52,408
We don't understand that hatred.
755
00:40:52,492 --> 00:40:54,369
Very stupid people
because of that hatred
756
00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:56,454
Like going to war and watching cricket.
757
00:40:58,164 --> 00:40:59,892
There are three types of Indians
who watch cricket
758
00:40:59,916 --> 00:41:02,251
Number one, enthusiast.
They watch it every day.
759
00:41:02,335 --> 00:41:05,088
Number two, puritan.
Watch a few months of the year.
760
00:41:05,171 --> 00:41:07,882
Number three,
Indians who watch cricket one day a year
761
00:41:07,966 --> 00:41:09,926
just because you hate Pakistan
762
00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:12,428
You know who you are.
763
00:41:13,179 --> 00:41:16,224
And what is the big opinion
between India and Pakistan?
764
00:41:16,307 --> 00:41:17,850
What is Kashmir?
765
00:41:18,643 --> 00:41:20,603
Right?
We continue to talk about Kashmir.
766
00:41:20,687 --> 00:41:25,149
We continue to speak in Kashmir.
Is anyone listening to Kashmir?
767
00:41:25,233 --> 00:41:26,734
- Really listening to
- [man] not
768
00:41:27,318 --> 00:41:29,654
Kashmir is like a woman
who is dating two people,
769
00:41:29,737 --> 00:41:31,990
and both of them
are ordering food for him.
770
00:41:33,866 --> 00:41:36,077
So Indians like it,
"He will have vegetables.
771
00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:37,745
Vegetables for Kashmir."
772
00:41:37,829 --> 00:41:41,708
And Pakistan like, "Oh no, no, no, no.
Bring him beef.
He likes beef."
773
00:41:42,500 --> 00:41:44,919
"He has been eating vegetables
for 60 years."
774
00:41:45,003 --> 00:41:47,964
"Yeah, but when you sleep,
He tries beef."
775
00:41:52,635 --> 00:41:55,722
"Oh, you want to give beef?
Cool.
Pigs.
Pigs for Kashmir.
776
00:41:55,805 --> 00:41:57,181
Pigs on a plate of Kashmir."
777
00:41:57,265 --> 00:42:00,184
And Kashmir is the same as, "I want to fish.
778
00:42:01,686 --> 00:42:03,604
No one asks me."
779
00:42:03,688 --> 00:42:07,233
But that's what's fun being here.
You know?
780
00:42:07,817 --> 00:42:09,902
As here, it doesn't matter.
781
00:42:11,029 --> 00:42:15,867
Like in the West, India, Pakistan,
People of Bangladesh, Nepal, Sri Lanka,
782
00:42:15,950 --> 00:42:18,161
we are all the same, right?
783
00:42:18,244 --> 00:42:19,244
[man] Yep.
784
00:42:19,287 --> 00:42:21,039
In the West, we are all Arabs.
785
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:28,254
And there is unity in that.
786
00:42:28,337 --> 00:42:29,797
Unlike Arabs.
787
00:42:30,798 --> 00:42:33,009
Have you ever seen war in the Middle East?
I do not understand.
788
00:42:33,092 --> 00:42:35,678
The people at the end are like,
"God..." [imitating shots]
789
00:42:37,472 --> 00:42:40,683
And the people on the other end are like,
"God..." [imitating a shot]
790
00:42:42,101 --> 00:42:46,564
And I guarantee,
God is only in heaven like, "Fuck!
791
00:42:49,734 --> 00:42:51,360
Which are you?"
792
00:42:52,403 --> 00:42:55,281
I don't even...
This is why we find chess, remember?
793
00:42:57,075 --> 00:42:59,035
"I need consultation.
Grand, come here, man."
794
00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:00,661
"Yes, of course.
What is that?"
795
00:43:01,537 --> 00:43:03,377
"Do you remember which one is good?"
796
00:43:03,456 --> 00:43:05,708
"Go to hell.
I still haven't talked to you."
797
00:43:06,542 --> 00:43:08,544
"Man, are you still sulking?"
798
00:43:09,087 --> 00:43:12,590
"Look, when we start the band, it is Allah and Akbar.
799
00:43:12,673 --> 00:43:14,467
Good?
Allah and Akbar.
800
00:43:14,550 --> 00:43:16,469
Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid.
801
00:43:16,552 --> 00:43:18,012
Allah and Akbar.
Allah and Akbar.
802
00:43:18,096 --> 00:43:21,057
But now it is Allah.
Who is Great? Yes?
803
00:43:21,140 --> 00:43:24,185
This is what everyone says,
'Oh, I know God.
804
00:43:30,900 --> 00:43:33,194
Who is Akbar? "
805
00:43:33,277 --> 00:43:34,904
Mr. Breakout Solo Artist.
806
00:43:35,696 --> 00:43:37,698
807
00:43:38,366 --> 00:43:40,201
Mr. Muslim Timberlake. "
808
00:43:42,453 --> 00:43:45,206
You love each other
Do you meet each other?
809
00:43:52,463 --> 00:43:55,591
What, I ask for social security?
number or something?
810
00:43:56,843 --> 00:43:58,363
- You.
What is your name?
- [man] Varun
811
00:43:58,427 --> 00:44:00,388
Varun, is this is your beautiful wife?
812
00:44:01,222 --> 00:44:02,098
- [Varun] No.
- No?
813
00:44:02,181 --> 00:44:03,826
She's your girlfriend?
How long have you been together?
814
00:44:03,850 --> 00:44:06,477
- One half.
- Why don't you do this nonsense, man?
815
00:44:09,313 --> 00:44:12,650
I did not fly 2,000 miles to New York
to talk to the damn Varun.
816
00:44:15,236 --> 00:44:18,489
Good.
I am now offended by both parts
of the crowd.
We are in a good place.
817
00:44:18,573 --> 00:44:21,951
I believe I have the worst first kiss
in the history of the first kiss.
818
00:44:22,034 --> 00:44:23,452
Let me tell you why.
819
00:44:23,536 --> 00:44:25,830
Because my first kiss
happened in the 90s
820
00:44:26,497 --> 00:44:28,499
And the 90s was a reckless time.
821
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:30,835
We only kiss without information.
822
00:44:31,711 --> 00:44:34,314
At the moment, there is information right?
You can Google map his lips.
823
00:44:34,338 --> 00:44:36,591
YouTube techniques
Contact Uber.
Damn it works.
824
00:44:37,383 --> 00:44:40,469
But in the 90s in India, we had two references to kissing exercises.
825
00:44:40,553 --> 00:44:42,471
Number one, Hollywood movies.
826
00:44:43,306 --> 00:44:45,224
Number two, Bollywood movies.
827
00:44:46,392 --> 00:44:49,854
Hollywood movies, every time
There are white people kissing on TV,
828
00:44:49,937 --> 00:44:52,857
Indian parents quickly passed
dirt from the tape.
829
00:44:53,482 --> 00:44:56,360
"This is sin.
This is sin.
My child will not watch it."
830
00:44:56,903 --> 00:45:00,072
So all white people look like two zombies
eat nonsense with each other.
831
00:45:01,949 --> 00:45:05,161
I'm 36 years old
Today, if I see
White people kiss, I can't sleep.
832
00:45:06,996 --> 00:45:09,540
And Bollywood kisses in the 90s, really?
833
00:45:10,708 --> 00:45:13,294
I will tell you
What is a Bollywood kiss in the 90s.
834
00:45:14,253 --> 00:45:16,547
So let's paint the scene, okay?
835
00:45:16,631 --> 00:45:19,467
The man goes like this.
[grumble]
836
00:45:20,384 --> 00:45:22,011
Twenty feet away.
837
00:45:24,805 --> 00:45:26,432
The girl left... [grumble]
838
00:45:31,729 --> 00:45:34,440
Two flowers make love to each other,
and everyone is happy.
839
00:45:34,523 --> 00:45:37,151
[applause]
840
00:45:38,027 --> 00:45:40,655
We don't show kisses.
We only show two flowers.
841
00:45:45,326 --> 00:45:47,620
Cut back to the boy.
[slurps] Ahh!
842
00:45:49,455 --> 00:45:52,625
Because all nations will go,
"Ooh, horticulture, yes."
843
00:45:53,751 --> 00:45:55,086
Chlorophyll.
844
00:45:56,504 --> 00:45:58,005
Potatoes.
845
00:46:02,551 --> 00:46:04,553
So I don't know many things
about kissing
846
00:46:04,637 --> 00:46:07,306
For example, I don't know
that kissing the tongue involved.
847
00:46:08,224 --> 00:46:09,892
I mean, I know that now.
848
00:46:15,856 --> 00:46:16,941
Hello.
849
00:46:18,025 --> 00:46:20,695
No, madam, I know there
A different approach to the tongue.
850
00:46:20,778 --> 00:46:22,238
That's why you laugh.
851
00:46:22,321 --> 00:46:24,490
You know,
Some people don't like a lot of tongue.
852
00:46:25,282 --> 00:46:26,969
Some people come to you
like Lord Voldemort.
853
00:46:26,993 --> 00:46:28,327
[talking nonsense]
854
00:46:30,413 --> 00:46:32,415
[bullshit continues]
855
00:46:33,290 --> 00:46:35,209
This is a visual
that will haunt you tonight
856
00:46:35,292 --> 00:46:37,253
[talking nonsense]
857
00:46:37,336 --> 00:46:40,089
I don't know about the tongue,
So, imagine my surprise
858
00:46:40,172 --> 00:46:42,174
When the first two minutes of my kiss,
859
00:46:42,258 --> 00:46:44,927
Suddenly a tongue appears on the door,
like, "Bonjour.
860
00:46:45,594 --> 00:46:47,054
Can I enter?"
861
00:46:47,596 --> 00:46:49,015
I know now as an adult,
862
00:46:49,098 --> 00:46:51,392
the correct response is to be like,
" Bonsoir.
863
00:46:51,475 --> 00:46:54,061
We have been waiting for you.
864
00:46:54,145 --> 00:46:56,313
Can I show the living room? "
865
00:46:56,397 --> 00:46:57,940
Because this is French, isn't it?
866
00:46:58,024 --> 00:47:00,317
The two French children
come with a French kiss?
867
00:47:00,818 --> 00:47:03,612
Stop in the middle of a normal kiss
and leave," Stop, stop, stop. "
868
00:47:04,613 --> 00:47:05,656
inhale]
869
00:47:05,740 --> 00:47:08,242
This kiss is bad
[punch]
870
00:47:08,325 --> 00:47:09,994
Where is the passion?
871
00:47:10,077 --> 00:47:11,871
Where is the discovery?
872
00:47:11,954 --> 00:47:13,456
Where is "eating"? - "Do you mean heat?"
873
00:47:13,998 --> 00:47:15,624
I want to eat your face
874
00:47:16,625 --> 00:47:18,169
I want to taste the surface of your soul.
875
00:47:19,003 --> 00:47:21,088
I want to know what you eat lunch.
876
00:47:21,172 --> 00:47:23,549
877
00:47:24,633 --> 00:47:26,553
I want to find a small cavity
between your teeth
878
00:47:26,594 --> 00:47:28,721
and hide my feelings there. "
879
00:47:29,472 --> 00:47:31,515
So once the tongue
appears in my mouth,
880
00:47:31,599 --> 00:47:32,933
I think this is a mistake.
881
00:47:33,017 --> 00:47:34,268
I close my teeth.
882
00:47:35,603 --> 00:47:38,606
So now the tongue
is licking the surface of my teeth. a window in a skyscraper....
883
00:47:38,689 --> 00:47:40,983
I still think this is a mistake.
884
00:47:41,734 --> 00:47:44,934
885
00:47:47,490 --> 00:47:50,618
886
00:47:50,701 --> 00:47:51,869
887
00:47:53,829 --> 00:47:55,015
888
00:47:55,039 --> 00:47:58,584
So now I send my tongue to push
his tongue back to his territory.
889
00:47:58,667 --> 00:48:01,879
Our tongue language like India and Pakistan.
Fucking a strike operation occurs.
890
00:48:02,797 --> 00:48:04,340
And our nose hits each other.
891
00:48:04,423 --> 00:48:07,843
There is water running down my face,
mixing with snot, into our mouth.
892
00:48:07,927 --> 00:48:10,679
Our kiss feels like a salty Goa beach.
893
00:48:10,763 --> 00:48:13,974
And in the middle of all that,
My nostrils start whistling.
894
00:48:19,230 --> 00:48:21,440
So my first kiss sounds like this.
895
00:48:21,524 --> 00:48:23,275
[imitating a kiss, whistling]
896
00:48:24,527 --> 00:48:26,529
And the girl is very sweet, she returns.
897
00:48:26,612 --> 00:48:28,239
[imitating a kiss, whistling]
898
00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:31,742
There are dogs and taxis
stop around us
899
00:48:31,826 --> 00:48:34,745
Seven dwarves come from the forest.
That is very beautiful.
900
00:48:35,788 --> 00:48:38,916
I can feel vomit in his mouth
and go back down.
901
00:48:38,999 --> 00:48:40,668
[audience groaning]
902
00:48:40,751 --> 00:48:42,951
This is too easy for this generation.
Do you know what I mean?
903
00:48:43,003 --> 00:48:45,464
I have a niece, right?
And that's how he met girls.
904
00:48:45,548 --> 00:48:48,884
He sent them an
message and he was like, "Hey, kid, are you awake?"
905
00:48:50,427 --> 00:48:52,263
And then the girl is like, "I wake up."
906
00:48:53,222 --> 00:48:56,142
And then it's up.
I don't know how...
907
00:48:59,520 --> 00:49:03,357
We have to take the compass and write
The girl's name on our damn arm isn't it?
908
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:04,440
Puja!
909
00:49:07,778 --> 00:49:10,865
I believe, ladies and gentlemen,
while we talk about love,
910
00:49:10,948 --> 00:49:14,952
that India does not have the right
to call itself a progressive state
911
00:49:15,035 --> 00:49:17,997
Until someone in India
can love what they want,
912
00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:22,459
regardless of race, caste,
trust or sexual orientation.
913
00:49:22,543 --> 00:49:24,879
[cheering]
914
00:49:25,754 --> 00:49:29,550
Like, I understand homosexuality,
women and men.
915
00:49:29,633 --> 00:49:33,596
I mean, I'm not interested in other men,
but I can see how someone will...
916
00:49:35,014 --> 00:49:37,183
interested in other men.
917
00:49:37,266 --> 00:49:39,894
Because I have been with many women
who has been
918
00:49:40,978 --> 00:49:42,605
[laughter]
919
00:49:43,772 --> 00:49:45,750
But this is crime in India,
women and men.
920
00:49:45,774 --> 00:49:47,902
This is a crime.
How?
921
00:49:47,985 --> 00:49:52,031
If it is a crime, there must be a way
investigation and method of judgment.
922
00:49:52,114 --> 00:49:54,742
How do you judge a gay crime?
Is there an experiment?
923
00:49:55,451 --> 00:49:57,536
"Order!
Order!
924
00:49:57,620 --> 00:49:59,622
The defendant will now be sworn in.
925
00:50:00,414 --> 00:50:02,416
Do you swear to tell the truth,
the real thing? "I don't know, man, but I have to tell you.
926
00:50:02,499 --> 00:50:04,376
This is the first Gita
I've handled it."
927
00:50:05,169 --> 00:50:06,962
"Stop making jokes in my trial.
928
00:50:07,046 --> 00:50:09,798
929
00:50:16,597 --> 00:50:18,724
930
00:50:19,433 --> 00:50:24,688
Defendants have been charged
with sodomy, excessive fellatio
931
00:50:24,772 --> 00:50:26,357
and flamboyant attached.
932
00:50:27,900 --> 00:50:30,527
- Defendant, how do you plead? "
-" Not guilty. "
933
00:50:30,611 --> 00:50:32,863
" Did you say
You didn't have sex with another man? "
934
00:50:32,947 --> 00:50:35,115
" No, I just said that I didn't feel guilty.
935
00:50:37,117 --> 00:50:39,411
Can I request 'very satisfied'? "
936
00:50:41,914 --> 00:50:43,374
But it's not just sodomy.
937
00:50:43,457 --> 00:50:46,835
Do you know that according to 377,
oral and anal also break the law?
938
00:50:46,919 --> 00:50:48,170
Do you know this?
939
00:50:48,254 --> 00:50:51,340
Oral sex and anal sex
against the law in India
940
00:50:52,216 --> 00:50:55,678
= = We have 1.2 billion people.
941
00:51:02,393 --> 00:51:04,812
[applause, applause]
942
00:51:05,771 --> 00:51:07,856
Forget oral and anal legalization.
943
00:51:07,940 --> 00:51:10,150
We have to advertise that nonsense.
944
00:51:12,278 --> 00:51:14,863
There must be an
billboard with a punch on them.
945
00:51:15,531 --> 00:51:17,616
We should be Anal Day.
946
00:51:17,700 --> 00:51:19,743
We must have a History Month As.
947
00:51:20,119 --> 00:51:22,121
Hashtags: Back Lives Matter.
948
00:51:22,705 --> 00:51:25,165
[cheering]
949
00:51:25,249 --> 00:51:27,626
There must be an "all-odomy" party.
950
00:51:28,669 --> 00:51:31,422
The prime minister must do it
a radio program called "Bum ki Baat."
951
00:51:31,505 --> 00:51:33,632
Every Sunday "Bum ki Baat!"
952
00:51:42,891 --> 00:51:45,436
And let's talk about the whole community,
Not just gay men.
953
00:51:45,519 --> 00:51:47,980
Let's talk about LGBT.
954
00:51:48,063 --> 00:51:50,816
Lesbians, gay... [muttering]
955
00:51:53,319 --> 00:51:56,572
Because as Indian men, we don't have a response to lesbianism, right?
956
00:51:57,156 --> 00:51:59,241
We just don't acknowledge its existence.
957
00:51:59,325 --> 00:52:02,578
After 2,000 years of educated evolution,
958
00:52:02,661 --> 00:52:06,123
all of our responses to lesbians are fair,
"Huh?
959
00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:09,710
What?"
960
00:52:10,294 --> 00:52:12,629
Like, for us,
lesbians are Bluetooth headsets.
961
00:52:12,713 --> 00:52:14,673
"How do you pair...?
962
00:52:16,425 --> 00:52:17,718
Are there cables?"
963
00:52:19,678 --> 00:52:21,972
Like, for us, lesbians are iPhone 7.
964
00:52:22,056 --> 00:52:23,390
There is no jack
965
00:52:25,267 --> 00:52:26,602
There is no jack
966
00:52:28,479 --> 00:52:31,106
I understand heartbreak
967
00:52:32,399 --> 00:52:36,028
You know, sometimes it's a relationship.
Sometimes it's an election.
968
00:52:36,111 --> 00:52:37,613
[sighs]
969
00:52:38,197 --> 00:52:39,990
Is there a broken heart?
970
00:52:40,074 --> 00:52:42,576
If your heart breaks,
raise your hand.
Are you
971
00:52:44,244 --> 00:52:47,581
You do things that you are proud of when
you return your life back
972
00:52:47,664 --> 00:52:49,500
that you will enjoy, right?
973
00:52:49,583 --> 00:52:52,920
Number two, you will do many things
that you are not proud of
974
00:52:53,003 --> 00:52:55,172
that you really will really enjoy, right?
975
00:52:56,465 --> 00:52:58,050
I will tell a story.
976
00:52:58,133 --> 00:53:01,053
Two years ago, in October, I was married to the woman of my dreams.
977
00:53:01,136 --> 00:53:04,098
Now, this is the first time in my life
that I'm married
978
00:53:04,181 --> 00:53:06,600
The second time in my life
that I tried to get married.
979
00:53:07,935 --> 00:53:09,186
I am now in my 30s.
980
00:53:09,269 --> 00:53:12,981
When I was 28 years old, I experienced bad luck
had to cancel marriage
981
00:53:13,065 --> 00:53:14,733
But, uh... uh, mine alone.
982
00:53:16,527 --> 00:53:19,279
It's not like I canceled
someone else's marriage
983
00:53:19,363 --> 00:53:21,782
Only Indian fathers can do that nonsense.
984
00:53:22,491 --> 00:53:24,034
"You can't go."
985
00:53:24,118 --> 00:53:26,412
"But I love him."
[imitating slap] "Shut up, Fatima."
986
00:53:27,704 --> 00:53:30,100
This is the information you need to know.
I applied for a girl.
987
00:53:30,124 --> 00:53:31,708
I got the proposal right, ladies.
988
00:53:31,792 --> 00:53:35,546
Vice president of a suite in a hotel,
2,000 roses, 900 candles.
989
00:53:35,671 --> 00:53:37,923
I kneel and propose,
990
00:53:38,006 --> 00:53:41,718
as a violin string quartet
play our favorite song
991
00:53:42,636 --> 00:53:44,012
- [woman] Whoo!
- yes?
992
00:53:44,096 --> 00:53:47,141
And, women, the most important part of the process is...
993
00:53:47,808 --> 00:53:48,684
[audience] Ring
994
00:53:48,767 --> 00:53:51,019
Not the ring, you selfish whore, no.
995
00:53:51,770 --> 00:53:53,105
Where are my romantic people?
996
00:53:53,188 --> 00:53:55,068
The most important part of the process is...
997
00:53:55,149 --> 00:53:57,085
- [woman] knee
- Knee.
There you go.
998
00:53:57,109 --> 00:53:58,777
Give him a big round of applause.
999
00:53:59,528 --> 00:54:02,573
Knee.
It's very important,
right, woman, to get down on one knee?
1000
00:54:02,656 --> 00:54:03,740
Yes, yes
1001
00:54:03,824 --> 00:54:05,844
That's when they understand
they are being proposed for
1002
00:54:05,868 --> 00:54:08,871
When your knee goes "uh,"
their brain goes pinging.
They understand.
1003
00:54:09,788 --> 00:54:11,933
It's always the first
they talk about in the story.
1004
00:54:11,957 --> 00:54:14,877
"Oh, God, it's very romantic.
He falls on one knee.
1005
00:54:14,960 --> 00:54:17,963
He opposes gravity!
1006
00:54:18,046 --> 00:54:21,842
And the frame structure
of the human body and ups and downs... What else will he do,
a Surya Namaskara?
1007
00:54:21,925 --> 00:54:24,928
He can't kneel.
That's your job
1008
00:54:27,222 --> 00:54:29,641
[audience] Ohh!
1009
00:54:29,725 --> 00:54:32,644
I'm sorry.
Engineer, it's a job joke.
1010
00:54:32,728 --> 00:54:35,314
I mean this, ladies and gentlemen.
My proposal is big.
1011
00:54:42,112 --> 00:54:44,382
Will you agree, my dear?
1012
00:54:44,406 --> 00:54:46,200
1013
00:54:46,283 --> 00:54:48,952
- So my separation should be...
- Grand!
1014
00:54:49,036 --> 00:54:52,164
Unless I break up on Skype.
1015
00:54:53,415 --> 00:54:56,460
Which is still okay
If it's Snapchat,
I will shoot myself.
1016
00:54:57,127 --> 00:54:59,630
The information you need to know is this.
1017
00:54:59,713 --> 00:55:04,051
My fiance went abroad to New York
to complete her MBA before our wedding.
1018
00:55:04,134 --> 00:55:07,638
In college, he is very funny
study partner, a man I have never liked,
1019
00:55:07,721 --> 00:55:11,600
Because when I see his face,
I know there must be a twist.
1020
00:55:13,477 --> 00:55:16,438
We have sent 1,000 invitations
to people in Delhi,
1021
00:55:16,522 --> 00:55:19,107
which means 9,000 people
come to the wedding
1022
00:55:20,442 --> 00:55:23,529
Like Delhi people call it,
"Family marriage is small and intimate."
1023
00:55:24,238 --> 00:55:26,365
Now Friday night,
three o'clock in the morning,
1024
00:55:26,448 --> 00:55:28,116
three months before my marriage
1025
00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:30,327
My fiance has told me
that she fell in love
1026
00:55:30,410 --> 00:55:32,246
and will leave me for him.
1027
00:55:32,329 --> 00:55:34,289
Unless he doesn't say that.
1028
00:55:34,957 --> 00:55:37,334
- He typed it
- [audience] Ohh!
1029
00:55:37,417 --> 00:55:39,127
On Skype.
1030
00:55:39,211 --> 00:55:42,005
You Indian engineers can appreciate
how messed up it is.
1031
00:55:43,382 --> 00:55:45,592
"He doesn't use it
video chat interface?
1032
00:55:48,720 --> 00:55:50,722
We have designed
video chat interface.
1033
00:55:52,391 --> 00:55:56,311
Millions of Indians have died as virgins
in San Jose, California, to design... "
1034
00:55:58,605 --> 00:56:01,358
You know that little chat box
at the bottom of Skype
1035
00:56:01,441 --> 00:56:02,943
for when does nonsense work?
1036
00:56:03,026 --> 00:56:04,111
Except That shit works.
1037
00:56:04,194 --> 00:56:07,531
So you're watching someone
You can hear typing messages for you.
1038
00:56:07,614 --> 00:56:10,909
Meanwhile, you only see a box
that says "typing, typing, typing."
1039
00:56:10,993 --> 00:56:13,930
When you wait your heart falls apart.
"Typing, typing, typing, typing."
1040
00:56:13,954 --> 00:56:16,516
For karma it will change
the direction of your whole life
1041
00:56:16,540 --> 00:56:18,750
"Typing, typing, typing, typing."
1042
00:56:18,834 --> 00:56:21,128
And which of you is a bastard technician
1043
00:56:21,211 --> 00:56:24,047
come with
"typing, typing, typing, typing"?
1044
00:56:25,591 --> 00:56:28,343
Even on WhatsApp, this is very annoying.
Yes or no?
1045
00:56:28,427 --> 00:56:30,554
- yes!
- Can we not make it more honest?
1046
00:56:30,637 --> 00:56:31,722
"Typing.
1047
00:56:32,472 --> 00:56:33,473
Still typing.
1048
00:56:34,641 --> 00:56:36,476
I'm very bad in English.
1049
00:56:37,686 --> 00:56:40,022
I'm on Vodafone.
This can take nine months."
1050
00:56:41,940 --> 00:56:44,651
But no.
"Typing, typing, typing, typing."
1051
00:56:44,735 --> 00:56:46,695
And then the confession arrived.
1052
00:56:46,778 --> 00:56:48,697
And things about heartbreak...
1053
00:56:49,406 --> 00:56:51,950
whether it's downgrade immediately
your intelligence
1054
00:56:52,034 --> 00:56:54,953
to the level of intelligence
from people who break your heart
1055
00:56:58,915 --> 00:57:01,918
Because suddenly,
I don't know what to say.
1056
00:57:02,878 --> 00:57:05,339
And I am a public speaker.
1057
00:57:07,090 --> 00:57:08,383
So for some reason,
1058
00:57:08,467 --> 00:57:12,929
I still don't understand
why I started retyping
1059
00:57:14,848 --> 00:57:17,476
Because my logic is
if I can't voice "fuck you,"
1060
00:57:17,559 --> 00:57:19,811
Then, for God's sake, I will use it.
1061
00:57:23,565 --> 00:57:26,026
And then just
"typing, typing, typing, typing."
1062
00:57:26,109 --> 00:57:27,945
and psoosh!
1063
00:57:28,028 --> 00:57:29,905
Do you know that the sound is on Skype?
Psoosh!
1064
00:57:29,988 --> 00:57:32,699
That's the sound
from the heart of a man destroyed
Psoosh!
1065
00:57:33,742 --> 00:57:36,745
And then Friday night,
three o'clock in the morning,
1066
00:57:36,828 --> 00:57:38,747
is where I made my cardinal mistake.
1067
00:57:38,830 --> 00:57:42,918
I entered Facebook.
1068
00:57:44,378 --> 00:57:46,338
We've all done it, haven't we?
1069
00:57:46,421 --> 00:57:49,633
Make a mistake thinking about you
Facebook friends are your true friends.
1070
00:57:51,385 --> 00:57:53,637
But you won't get it on Facebook.
1071
00:57:54,554 --> 00:57:59,059
The only interaction that you will get
from other human souls on Facebook
1072
00:57:59,142 --> 00:58:03,063
is "like, like, thumb, thumb,
sharing, sharing, LOL, LOL,
1073
00:58:03,146 --> 00:58:08,110
smileys, smileys, winky smiley,
smiley crooked, na-na-na-na-na."
1074
00:58:08,694 --> 00:58:10,737
And the worst, LULZ.
1075
00:58:12,614 --> 00:58:14,241
"L-U...
1076
00:58:15,993 --> 00:58:17,995
L-Z."
1077
00:58:18,078 --> 00:58:19,413
LULZ.
1078
00:58:20,122 --> 00:58:22,791
Because, apparently,
LOL is not enough for Indians.
1079
00:58:27,713 --> 00:58:30,382
So in the middle of the night,
I changed my Facebook status...
1080
00:58:32,092 --> 00:58:33,719
from "engaging" to "single".
1081
00:58:34,761 --> 00:58:39,850
And I go to bed thinking,
"Tomorrow will be a brighter day."
1082
00:58:40,600 --> 00:58:42,436
[whistles]
1083
00:58:43,478 --> 00:58:44,563
LULZ.
1084
00:58:46,773 --> 00:58:48,734
My homeworker calls me at 9:00 a.m.
1085
00:58:48,817 --> 00:58:52,070
and said, "Vir, did you change?
your Facebook status last night?"
1086
00:58:53,196 --> 00:58:54,406
[whimpers] "Ye-Yeah."
1087
00:58:55,157 --> 00:58:57,784
"You know reporters are your friends
on Facebook, right, Vir?"
1088
00:58:59,494 --> 00:59:01,621
"You mean they're not my first friends?"
1089
00:59:02,122 --> 00:59:05,459
"The newspaper will do an
article about your marriage being canceled."
1090
00:59:05,542 --> 00:59:08,545
I can't tell you which newspaper?
I was told I would be prosecuted.
1091
00:59:09,671 --> 00:59:10,671
Because it's Netflix.
1092
00:59:10,714 --> 00:59:14,217
But, uh, it rhymes with "Windustan Times."
1093
00:59:21,475 --> 00:59:22,475
[chuckles]
1094
00:59:22,517 --> 00:59:24,061
Legal path.
1095
00:59:25,687 --> 00:59:28,315
So now we have lined up an
article with another newspaper
1096
00:59:28,398 --> 00:59:32,736
I can't tell you which newspaper,
But it rhymes with "Wombay Times."
1097
00:59:34,488 --> 00:59:37,408
"So you will write
about being single in Mumbai, life.
1098
00:59:37,491 --> 00:59:41,161
We put a positive spin on it,
and that's how we deliver the news.
Yay."
1099
00:59:42,079 --> 00:59:45,040
I have been single in Mumbai
for six hours
1100
00:59:46,416 --> 00:59:48,919
But here I am, just write this column
about how I believe
1101
00:59:49,002 --> 00:59:51,004
Mumbai is the greatest city in the world
1102
00:59:51,088 --> 00:59:55,300
to find a girl and fall in love
and settle down and rent an apartment.
1103
00:59:55,383 --> 00:59:57,903
If you are not a North Indian actor,
not a vegetarian, not a Muslim,
1104
00:59:57,969 --> 00:59:58,969
You will be fine.
1105
01:00:00,639 --> 01:00:03,892
And the newspaper liked it very much,
they didn't put it in their local newspaper.
1106
01:00:03,975 --> 01:00:06,978
They put it
in their national newspaper Sunday,
1107
01:00:07,062 --> 01:00:09,481
"The Wimes of India."
1108
01:00:11,691 --> 01:00:15,821
With a big title that says,
"Vir Das: Single in Mumbai, Life."
1109
01:00:16,530 --> 01:00:18,949
And that's how I canceled my wedding.
1110
01:00:19,825 --> 01:00:23,203
On that day, nothing appeared.
1111
01:00:24,830 --> 01:00:26,623
But what am I saying?
1112
01:00:26,706 --> 01:00:29,835
When you are heartbroken,
You will do things that you are proud of that you will enjoy.
1113
01:00:29,918 --> 01:00:31,336
You will do many things
that you are not proud of
1114
01:00:32,254 --> 01:00:34,840
that you will really,
really, really enjoy
1115
01:00:34,923 --> 01:00:37,634
So this is what I'm proud of.
1116
01:00:38,468 --> 01:00:40,554
Seven months after this happens,
I met a beautiful girl at a party.
1117
01:00:40,637 --> 01:00:43,640
Beautiful.
Intelligence.
Ambitious.
Encouraged.
It's just amazing
1118
01:00:44,224 --> 01:00:47,269
1119
01:00:47,352 --> 01:00:51,398
And I said, "Hi.
My name is Vir Das."
And he said, "Oh, I know who you are."
1120
01:00:51,481 --> 01:00:55,527
I thought maybe he had watched a movie,
and if it wasn't Mastizaade, it was okay.
1121
01:00:57,946 --> 01:01:00,198
And he is like,
"No.
I read an article in the paper
1122
01:01:00,282 --> 01:01:02,075
that you write about love.
1123
01:01:02,159 --> 01:01:05,537
And I think you get love
In a very cool and fun way."
1124
01:01:06,204 --> 01:01:09,082
Women and men,
That girl is now my wife.
1125
01:01:11,084 --> 01:01:13,670
[cheering]
1126
01:01:13,753 --> 01:01:15,172
And that's good.
1127
01:01:15,255 --> 01:01:16,965
I enjoy that crap.
1128
01:01:17,048 --> 01:01:18,592
I'm proud of that.
1129
01:01:19,759 --> 01:01:21,636
This is what I'm not so proud of...
1130
01:01:22,679 --> 01:01:24,556
that I really enjoy.
1131
01:01:25,182 --> 01:01:27,809
Two months after that happens,
girls from New York City call
1132
01:01:27,893 --> 01:01:29,227
and say, "I am very sorry. Can you bring me back and start talking
about this and build our relationship? "
1133
01:01:29,311 --> 01:01:32,355
And I said...
1134
01:01:32,439 --> 01:01:34,458
- "Yes."
- [audience] Ohh!
1135
01:01:34,482 --> 01:01:37,652
"Come on Skype."
1136
01:01:37,736 --> 01:01:39,404
And I insert the text of the article
really slowly into the chat box,
1137
01:01:40,822 --> 01:01:43,033
row by row.
1138
01:01:43,116 --> 01:01:45,243
1139
01:01:45,327 --> 01:01:49,873
1140
01:01:49,956 --> 01:01:51,124
1141
01:01:51,208 --> 01:01:53,543
Because I know somewhere in the world,
1142
01:01:53,627 --> 01:01:58,298
he only sees a box that says,
"typing, typing, typing, typing...
1143
01:01:58,924 --> 01:02:01,509
typing, typing, typing, typing.
1144
01:02:02,469 --> 01:02:03,469
LULZ."
1145
01:02:12,395 --> 01:02:13,396
[chuckles]
1146
01:02:16,775 --> 01:02:19,653
The show will end in 120 seconds.
1147
01:02:20,487 --> 01:02:22,489
I never know how to end the show.
1148
01:02:23,448 --> 01:02:24,783
What do I say?
1149
01:02:25,367 --> 01:02:28,453
I can tell you
that I started my career in this city...
1150
01:02:30,205 --> 01:02:32,499
in the show for 60 people.
1151
01:02:33,208 --> 01:02:36,294
And I swear to myself
One day I will come back here and I will sell the stadium.
1152
01:02:36,378 --> 01:02:38,672
But that's not true.
1153
01:02:41,007 --> 01:02:42,425
1154
01:02:42,884 --> 01:02:45,512
I have not sold this stadium.
1155
01:02:45,595 --> 01:02:48,139
Ten percent of you
work for the government or the police
1156
01:02:48,223 --> 01:02:50,433
or some kind of damn VIP.
1157
01:02:52,686 --> 01:02:58,149
I can say that it was my dream
performed at an iconic American comedy club.
1158
01:02:58,692 --> 01:03:00,694
But that's not true.
1159
01:03:01,278 --> 01:03:04,281
This is not an American comedy icon.
1160
01:03:05,615 --> 01:03:08,034
Comedy Shop in LA,
That crap must be fun,
1161
01:03:08,118 --> 01:03:10,078
but this is a good start.
1162
01:03:10,161 --> 01:03:13,164
I can tell you
that this is goodbye for a while
1163
01:03:13,248 --> 01:03:16,751
because I want to go all over the world,
and I want to show them
1164
01:03:16,835 --> 01:03:21,047
Indian comedy is more than
only head bobbed jokes and funny accents.
1165
01:03:21,131 --> 01:03:22,966
[cheering]
1166
01:03:25,719 --> 01:03:27,595
But that's not true.
1167
01:03:27,679 --> 01:03:31,349
When I get there, I will do it
dilapidated jokes and funny accents.
1168
01:03:31,433 --> 01:03:34,853
I can tell you that I believe
I am very excited about this market
1169
01:03:34,936 --> 01:03:38,481
because I believe it is the
mecca for great performance
1170
01:03:38,565 --> 01:03:39,941
from all over the world
1171
01:03:41,526 --> 01:03:43,445
But that's not true.
1172
01:03:43,528 --> 01:03:45,965
That was true two weeks ago.
I don't think we will get another visa.
1173
01:03:45,989 --> 01:03:47,198
That's my point
1174
01:03:49,409 --> 01:03:51,661
Or I can tell you
all I want to say to you
1175
01:03:51,745 --> 01:03:55,290
And I can sandwich it
between sarcasm and ignorance.
1176
01:03:55,042 --> 01:03:58,251
Because I know you
1177
01:03:58,335 --> 01:04:00,378
And you know me
1178
01:04:00,462 --> 01:04:02,589
And I know that you will understand.
1179
01:04:03,465 --> 01:04:05,383
My name is Vir Das.
1180
01:04:05,800 --> 01:04:06,634
Thank you.
1181
01:04:06,718 --> 01:04:07,927
Namaste.
1182
01:04:08,011 --> 01:04:09,220
Jai hind.
1183
01:04:09,304 --> 01:04:10,889
Good night.
1184
01:04:10,972 --> 01:04:12,515
[cheering]
1185
01:04:17,145 --> 01:04:19,481
[cheering on]
1186
01:04:20,231 --> 01:04:23,151
[rock intro]
1187
01:04:32,243 --> 01:04:34,120
[man singing: rock]
1188
01:04:49,010 --> 01:04:52,055
[singing continues]
1189
01:05:10,073 --> 01:05:11,074
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