Visit www.Hokijudi99.id Trusted Secure Online Gambling Agent
♪ Is the man in the pool of light ♪
♪ Camera repair around ♪
♪ You see him chocolate He is not white ♪
♪ You're surprised Who is this Indian? ♪
♪ He is Netflix Recommend ♪
♪ Ordinary to see diversity ♪
♪ What is a policy ♪
♪ Let me introduce myself ♪
♪ Unless you've left ♪
♪ What makes you racist ♪
♪ In a digital sense ♪
♪ If you come to India ♪
♪ I am a big problem ♪
♪ Check this stadium ♪
♪ That I just filled my family ♪
♪ And now you feel alienated Because you didn't anticipate ♪
♪ That I can make you laugh ♪
♪ You have never met an Indian guy You have never heard an Indian joke ♪
♪ So will you understand? ♪
♪ Fucking relax ♪
♪ Let the camera track ♪
♪ Because as a camera Walk around my back ♪
♪ You see the show I have the other half, eh ♪
♪ Now we're in New York ♪ [audience cheers]
♪ City ♪
♪ At an American comedy club ♪
♪ It's kind of small and pretty ♪
♪ I have traveled a lot ♪
♪ Because in your market I just started ♪
♪ I haven't made it ♪
♪ I just released the version ♪
♪ To this American ♪
♪ Hey, hey, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yes ♪
♪ My bag is packed ♪
♪ And I think it's time ♪
♪ To go ♪
♪ So make some noise ♪
♪ If you want to start my show ♪
[cheering]
[cheering on]
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Vir Das.
Thank you very much for leaving and being on my special Netflix.
Thank you.
[cheering]
Nice to be in my hometown in Delhi, women and men.
I am a Delhi boy.
This is my dream, ladies and gentlemen.
Not specifically Netflix or, like, stadium.
I have never had eight hours.
This is good, isn't it?
This is what is needed to get the Delhi audience here on time, by the way.
- Eight hours. - [cheering]
What is tonight, women and men?
Tonight is about many things that I don't understand
That is the whole show.
And hopefully, at the end of the night, we can't understand that nonsense.
I have to tell you something.
This show will be shot half here and half in America.
So at this point specifically, in three seconds,
we will cut for 200 clueless Americans
sitting at a comedy club.
And they wait for to hear what we have to say
And I just hope to God they understand
[speaking Hindi]
[cheering]
- [whistling] - Can not speak English.
[speaking Hindi]
Two hours. Can not speak English. Only Hindi.
[speaking Hindi]
[chuckles]
All white people like, "Oh no.
Like when we watch Narcos. "
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Vir Das
Thank you for coming tonight. Do you feel good, New York City?
Do you feel good, huh?
[cheering]
Listen. I have an announcement before we start the show, okay?
Let's get rid of this. I have an Indian accent.
This is the next hour in your life.
This doesn't change. I didn't do a thing.
I don't imitate his identity funny relatives.
There is no fucking Apu from The Simpsons jokes appear.
Tonight, for the first time in your life, Maybe an Indian accent
It can be a perspective, not a punch line.
- Isn't that good, huh? - [cheering]
But give time. My accent will grow to you.
Give time, okay?
Just give four or five generations, we will be fine.
And it's okay to not understand each other.
There are things about me that you don't understand, like my accent.
There are things about you that I don't understand, like your woman.
I don't understand American women.
I don't understand how you can reject this
Have you tried Indian, honey?
- [woman] no. - Oh, you have to
After you become brown, other colors disappoint you.
[chuckles]
There are two Mexicans behind. "Write this nonsense, man.
This also applies to us.
No, I'm sorry. I don't mean to insult, like Mexicans I'm sorry.
I'm just a comedian. I did not run for president.
[audience laughs]
Oh come on. We have to talk about this nonsense. We do
Are you okay, friend? I am sorry. Are you alright?
Fuck the Netflix event. We will turn off the camera.
We will only hug each other for one hour. Let's do it
And believe me, like Indians, we understand.
We understand.
We have both, in a very poetic coincidence,
very large, very popular, very scary,
very orange leadership to run our country.
Are you like our new prime minister?
- [cheering] - Me too.
Like, not all are Modi errors.
You can't blame Modi for everything. This is a parliamentary system.
Plus, to blame the prime minister, He must rather be here.
And this is what I like about the American presidential system.
At least you always know where is the president Right?
He is in the White House, and you know that house
because you have seen it explode in ten different films.
This is another thing, like, with an American film
They continue to blow up their White House. Do you notice this?
This is very cathartic.
Like, aliens blow up the White House. Gerard Butler blew up the White House.
Donald Trump will blow up the White House.
[audience cheers]
But you never saw it in, like, Indian movies right?
You have never seen a foreign hover in Delhi and only detonated Lok Sabha.
Because Indians will not believe that nonsense.
Be like, "What a stupid alien.
This is parliament. There is no one there.
This is Monday."
But they get cool addresses in America. They got the White House, man.
What is the address of Modi?
Who knows where Modi lives,
apart from the hearts of Hindus and memories of Muslims?
Huh? Who knows? I just said
[applause, applause]
But they did that in their films.
I remember watching American movies called Air Force One.
- Do you remember the film, guys? - [applause]
They hijack the president from a United States plane.
You can't do that with Modi. He flies Air India.
Do you know how difficult it is hijack Air India planes?
"All right, Everyone falls to the floor."
"Eh, excuse me, sir." "Shut up.
All right, raise your hands in the air."
"Eh, excuse me, sir." "Shut up.
This plane belongs to the Khilafah of the Brotherhood..."
"Sorry, sir." "What?"
"Sir, vegetables or non-vegetables?"
"Are you serious? I tried to take hostages."
"Sir, we don't have that. We have chicken tikka or palak paneer."
[stutter] "good. Vegetables All right?"
"Sir, we run out of vegetables."
"Then why are you...? Stop crowding in the alley, okay? Lose weight, right? Get out.
Okay, who is the pilot?"
"Sir, I am an airplane pilot."
"Fine, You will call your government
and tell them not to expect your prime minister tomorrow."
"Sir, they don't expect it tomorrow.
They never know when to wait for him, sir. "
" How do they not know when to expect it? He is a prime minister, not the rainy season. "
" Sir, frutti? "
" Bitch, I will cut off your head and shoot your severed head.
Okay, where is the prime minister? "
" Sir, he is in the economy. "
" Don't lie to me. "
" No sir, in Air India, The first class chair does not lean.
But if you get three economic seats, it becomes a flat bed.
Very comfortable, sir. "
But I don't mean to insult my country, women and men.
- I am a patriotic Indian. Are you, yes - [audience] huh!
My patriotism is based on in a very simple fact:
that this country is where I live.
That's it.
I live in India. I am proud of India.
If I live in Estonia, I will be proud of Estonia.
If I live in Zimbabwe, I will move to Estonia.
There is no middle ground in India again
We all have to adjust. You are left wing or right wing.
Left wing or right wing.
It's like you think India is a bird.
India is not a bird. Birds are free.
[applause]
India is a goldfish, ladies and gentlemen.
This is a very good goldfish, but it's a goldfish.
We have a memory of 15 seconds.
This is India.
"I'm Indian. I live in a bowl.
I like my bowl.
I don't want anything more than what is in my bowl
There is another world outside the bowl,
a world with a different culture, different ideologies, different beliefs,
different sexual orientations.
I have to study. I have to embrace I have to...
I am Indian I live in a bowl.
I don't want anything more than what I have in my bowl. "
But don't worry. I think there is a good side.
The way I see all this works for you is you like a girl
You know what I mean? about seven years.
Barack is a good person, but it doesn't work.
And you break up.
And then you meet this older man, Bernie, but he is too geeky for you,
But he has a good idea.
And then you, like, in long distance relationships
with this girl named Hillary,
but everything is in e-mail and you don't like that nonsense.
And finally, Your parents force you to marry a boy.
This is your arranged marriage, women and men.
In the most literal sense, Your parents choose this person for you,
Because you didn't choose it.
[laughter spread, applause]
Look at the sad Indians clapping.
But I don't think that will change that much.
I think it will only... This will be a temporary thing,
but that will redefine American patriotism for a while
Because of your patriotism, it must be very open, very accepting.
It feels like, "Man, welcome to America, Free land, a brave house.
That's everyone.
And now just go to change for a while.
This will be like, "America. We'll see."
I want to leave you with the bright side.
Even this big orange cloud has a silver layer.
OK? Well, here it is.
I really think this will decrease about terrorism I do
This will reduce terrorism, Because, honestly, what's the use?
"We have to bomb America."
"Well, why do we have an American bomb?"
"To leave them in a state of despair, despair and collapse."
"They beat us for that.
Looks like a bit excessive."
But this is a scary person.
We see it on TV every day. "We have to ban 'Muh-slims'. Kick out 'Muh-slims'. Run 'Muh-slims'.
Discard all 'Muh-slims'. There are no 'Muh-slims'. "
And the whole world watched it go, "This is Muslim, you are a whore.
Learn how to pronounce it before you forbid it, right?
Muslims are religious beliefs. Muslin is cloth. prohibit stretchy clothes, you idiot? "
I understand religious phobia, women and men.
Do you believe we live in the world, in an atmosphere of religious phobia?
- Yes or no. - [audience] huh!
Do you believe that 99 percent that phobia doesn't make sense?
- Yes or no. - [audience] huh!
Do you believe in religion? what is the problem
- [audience] huh! - Not me.
Religion is good in his heart.
Right, ladies and gentlemen? It's always good.
Five things you don't do, they write it
Four of them make sense.
The fifth they add just to make love to you
Just to see if you pay attention.
That's religion. Don't lie Don't cheat. Don't kill Don't joke
Don't eat non-vegetables on Tuesday.
[cheering]
Don't wear underwear on Sunday nights. That is religion.
Ladies, this is religion. Release them. I swear to God.
We will go to heaven together.
Come on.
Like, for me, the problem is not religion.
This is a religious text, ladies and gentlemen.
Think about what you are reading. Quran, the Gita, the Holy Bible.
You are reading some versions are written ancient dude
from what he heard some men who were truly miraculous he had never met
told some other men who were truly miraculous he had never met
It is said to some human men whom he has never met.
There are no facts. There is no verification.
They only print that crap.
You read 3,000 years Times of India, respectable women and men.
That's what you are reading.
And people say nonsense at that time all the time.
Ordinary people say things like,
"He who questions the authority of God must open the pit of death,
and arrows of meek people will rise into the kingdom of heaven
in a stolen butter paradise. "
Fuck. That is the sentence at that time, women and men.
Because people at that time are high like balls, okay?
And all the nonsense that was said at that time made sense for that moment.
That
because at that time, There was no good way to identify a thief. = You see a one-handed man, You like, "Fucking thief."
So you know who they are.
Or like Christianity has a saying.
"Don't have premarital sex." Ever heard that?
So the advice is good.
"Hey, don't try and kill someone when you are eight and a half
Learn to write a letter 'G'
before you find the place associated with it."
We need updates religious texts in the world.
Do you agree with me, women and men? Yes or no.
- [audience] huh! - good So I have a plan.
We will take all major religions and just give it to the Apple company.
Every six months, Apple can update and relaunch the religion to the world.
How good is that? That is what we need.
We need Islam 6s, ladies and gentlemen.
We need Jesus Pro.
We need GitaBook Air.
If nothing else, you will reduce fanaticism.
You will slow it down.
You can imagine how much we will reduce fanaticism if each of you wants it to do jihad...
first you have to sign a new online deal with Apple?
Suppose you have to get jihad ID?
Then you must align all your bombs and your device to the same jihad.
Unless one bomb doesn't work with the old version of iTunes,
so now you have to download the new version from iTunes.
And then you are ready to go to heaven and get 72 of your virgins,
but your iCloud only holds six virgins, and now you have to upgrade.
Do you know what my favorite part is from the joke?
It's just that Android users leave, "What is he talking about?
What clouds Are there clouds? You have clouds
My Samsung explodes, then there is a cloud. Is that a cloud? I don't know."
And who is Islamophobia in today's world
need to look long and hard at the history of their own religion.
Let's talk about that, huh?
♪ If you are a Hindu and you know it applause ♪
[audience claps]
♪ If you are a Hindu and you know it applause ♪
♪ If you are a Hindu and you know it Then you really want to show it ♪
♪ Join the government and apply Subliminal fascist policy ♪
♪ Hey ♪
Hey, Hindus, remember sati?
Yes, we did that for 2,000 years.
Remember when a woman's husband will die and we will cremate her, not alone.
So the whole village will gather around the wife.
"Sushma, I'm very sorry.
What a terrible thing that happened.
"What?"
"No, take your time. Sing a song. Take a breath. Whatever you need. But finally, it's just mosey there."
"Inside the fire?"
"Yes."
- "Why do I have to enter the fire?" - "B-B-B-Because he will go to heaven."
"Why doesn't he go alone?"
"It's not a deer."
But I am a Hindu, bad ladies and gentlemen,
Because I am not loyal anymore with Christianity
And I guess I'm not alone. Come on, Hindus. Raise your hand.
Let me see, people. Raise your hand. Come on. Raise your hand.
Now, raise your hand
If you, as a Hindu in New York, have celebrated Christmas
Look, we will go to hell together, we all.
But it's not religious. You just want damn trees and shopping, right?
That's why you do that nonsense.
Because this Christmas is amazing, is confusing, exciting festival right?
Especially for Hindus in New York. There is snow everywhere.
We don't know whether to play with or just stand there
and ask for independent Kashmir.
Christmas is all about trees, women and men.
The trees surpassed Christianity long ago.
Jesus will rise from the dead today, on Christmas Eve,
the only person in JFK who can accept it will become a Hindu cabdriver.
"I am Jesus, Son of God.
I have returned. Take me to my people."
Hindu taxi driver [laughs]
"Father. Jesus, you came here.
Look, I'm very sorry, Jesus.
Your people are with trees."
"What do you mean, trees? That is ridiculous. I am the Son of God."
"Yes, you know, this is ironic, Jesus.
The second time in your life You are defeated by a piece of wood. "
[audience] Ooh!
Yes, but ten minutes of Muslim jokes it's okay with you, huh?
[chuckles]
But it's good to be here, women and men.
The best part of my job is that I get to travel and perform for people
which I don't understand and they don't understand me.
Clear.
And we work out.
Like , my whole life has been long journey
Let me tell you a little about myself. I grew up in Lagos, Nigeria, in Africa.
I then went to school at Delhi Public School, NOIDA.
I then went to college in Galesburg, Illinois, in the Midwest,
and finally I sit in Bollywood.
Have traveled a lot towards a more beautiful skin.
[laughter]
[applause]
But I want to come to America. This is my big dream.
The first time I landed in New York City, I am 18 years old When the sun rises Above the Manhattan horizon, I cry.
And that has nothing to do with American or American dreams.
I have breakfast.
Because I grew up in the world of cornflakes, guys.
Imagine a universe of endless cornflakes.
And not even real cornflakes. That crap Mohan Meakin is dirty.
Ostrich stool cornflakes.
[chuckles] Then I landed in New York City,
and someone gave me Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
And I... it's messed up with my head.
Because my brain knows that what I eat is not cinnamon...
or toast or crunch.
But my heart believes, women and men.
Because what is cereal initially? It's just a way to get milk to children.
Right? Make interesting milk for children.
What God does with the breast, Americans do it with breakfast cereals.
The best version of the transaction.
You don't appreciate your American luxury.
I go to your supermarket the other day. You have a hallway for cereal.
A passageway for cereal.
There are still countries with apartheid.
You have a hallway.
Height of 60 feet three feet.
That's 600... In Bombay, it's school, okay?
In Africa, it's a university, women and men.
And your food looks really good. Humans.
I saw an advertisement for French fries on TV the other day.
Fucking should win an Oscar.
I don't know why not. Maybe black people succeed. I'm not sure
- [chuckles] - [applause]
Thank you, racist.
That's cinematic...
There is a golden sunset and a philharmonic orchestra.
And French fries fall in slow motion, With, like, CGI sprinkles of salt.
And then there is a girl in a bikini,
and the fries are rappelled down the tittie side is very slow.
And I just saw that, "Oh, Allah, Allah, Allah!"
Potatoes.
Potatoes!
Potatoes.
I shouldn't do that nonsense.
- [applause] - [man] Whoo!
I just fucked myself.
I will do the right thing smart material tonight
Your takeaway will only be... potatoes!
[chuckles] "How's the Vir Das show?"
Potatoes.
But it's an erotic experience. Chick in bikini There is sex with food.
You can't do nonsense with Indian food.
Only get naked girls and fall in the heat all over his body.
"Aah!"
[chuckles]
But let's talk about this. Indian food. Hold your hand if you agree.
- Disgusting food on the planet. - [applause]
Not the best cuisine on this planet
Indian cuisine all looks like you digest some other dishes.
Saag Paneer for dinner Looks like you have a Greek salad for lunch.
Yes, close your eyes. Really the picture.
Indian food is not visual food, women and men.
Like, I watch MasterChef Australia
That is visual food, isn't it?
"Oh, I like what you have done with the plating and the settings.
Extraordinary."
You show all three of these dudes a bowl of competition, bro,
they will lose their minds.
"Oh, damn.
Is it sick before dying?"
[applause]
"Can we make people see this? as punishment for petty crime?"
Like, Indian food is not visual food. This is food, ladies and gentlemen.
Like, If you walk past an Indian restaurant
and there are beautiful food pictures,
You won't go to that restaurant, would you, ladies and gentlemen?
You won't do it.
But if the door opens and you hear someone say...
[speaking Hindi]
You will order everything on the menu.
[audience cheers]
Also, Indian food is romantic food.
There's nothing romantic about sitting with someone and having dinner
[snoring]
But if you can spend your life with someone who is just...
[slurping] Ahh!
That's true love, ladies and gentlemen.
This is why I believe you will never be able to do it an Indian Bond criminal.
Because Bond criminals always eat or drink something while they say some really bad crap.
"Greetings, Mr. Bond.
You shouldn't come here today.
Tonight you're dead."
"Bonsoir, Monsieur Bonds.
We have been waiting for you.
Tonight you die."
Indian food. "Yeah, hello, Bond.
Look, you have to...
You don't have to...
Damn it Eat this vindaloo. You will die."
Plus, Bond knows how to fire a rifle.
Indians are not good with firearms. That is why I respect your country.
You take all control from the gun making process.
You produce a gun, bullets, victims, all at home.
Like, in India, we don't have weapons, so we don't have gun violence.
Right, guys
You can't have a typical American weapon shooting in India.
You can't. Because first, in India, you will never find a gay nightclub.
Because of that WhatsApp group.
Followed by, like, tea at Raju's house.
Or, like, you can't shoot Indians sit in the cinema You can't.
Because Indians don't sit still During Bollywood movies, right?
You know how difficult it is to shoot someone goes...? [singing in Hinduism]
♪ Heh heh heh hey ♪
So you have weapons.
And you don't go to get rid of the weapon.
But can you at least change weapons? Or put your own technology into a weapon.
America, you find an iPhone. It's done well.
That has Siri. It's done well.
It doesn't understand my accent. What the fuck So...
Use that crap. Siri for weapons.
You must convince the gun to let you shoot the gun.
Can you imagine a terrorist? "Siri!"
"What can I do for you?"
"I want to kill infidels!"
"Sounds like you said You want to sing 'Jingle Bells'."
♪ Jingle Bells ♪
Because weapons are an audible experience too, ladies and gentlemen.
Sound is heard here. Something happened there.
The first time I realized this, I saw an American cowboy movie.
This is called Good, Bad, Bad. Do you remember that?
Because they gave the cowboys like good sound effects right?
He used to walk in... [imitating running boots]
[whooshing]
[imitating shot]
[exhale]
You can't give Indians that sound effect
We are too excited. We will play games.
[imitating running boots]
[beat boxing]
We are not cruel people.
This is why you don't have it Indian terrorists, ladies and gentlemen.
Indians... We will never install bombs in buildings, don't you, guys?
That's not our style. That is cruel. That is violence.
But more than that, it's not efficient.
We will place an accountant in the building, buy a building,
make sure there is real estate investment Around the building, wait ten years
and sell the property back to you at an 80 percent escalation.
That's Indian terrorism.
Our business practices are our terrorism.
Speaking of terrorism, women and men,
I think I'm ready to be a father.
[man] Whoo!
Because I've stopped worrying about the little things
like the right segues between routines.
[laughter spread]
Thank you, three people.
No, I want to have children, women and men,
Because, first, I know how to make it.
Damn it I make children like me make Maggi. Two minutes. No one is satisfied.
That's what I'm talking about.
But I'm at that age
where I only found myself looked at children and had desires.
[laughs]
[man] Ohh!
Oh, shut up, okay?
I will tell you this story. I was in Bombay and I had a car accident.
And that's the day I knew I was ready to be a father. Right?
I am in my Range Rover. We are at the breaker speed, stationary.
Suddenly, I heard... [imitating the horn, thumping]
I left the passenger side, and I saw a circle of people
Gathering around a scooter, two wheels, who have slipped,
the boy on the floor is crying and a girl who is in shock.
So I took this child, and I like it, "What happened?"
"Sir, I taught him to drive scooters, and it was the rainy season.
He did not know how to drive. We hit a lamp post. And at that moment, I experienced first I had two father's emotions.
"Number one, I have to save this girl. I have to save this girl."
But it's far more paternal than that...
I want to kill this child.
Who taught a girl to drive a scooter in the rainy season?
I will kill this child.
I took the girl, put her in the Range Rover.
I tried to get the boy, But he still cried.
I like, "I will kill it in Range Rover.
I have money. We will be compensated."
We then arrived at the hospital. We spend around 7,000 rupees.
Take him to the emergency room. The girl will be fine.
The boy is still crying. I like, "Do you know what?
Now we are in a perfect atmosphere for me to kill this child
We are in the hospital. There are morgues downstairs.
Someone will write a report.
I might have fake hit-and-run cases against me.
Damn it Double or not at all. Murder. Let's go. "
I reach this child, Who is higher than me for some reason?
I say, " Now give me his father's phone number
because we have to tell the family An accident occurred. "
He is like," Sir, I can't do that. "
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
♪ I will kill this child I will kill this child ♪
He is like, "Sir, you don't understand. He's a Hindu."
"No, you don't understand.
Are you familiar with the concept? No?
Eat a cheeseburger in Maharashtra, and you will know what that nonsense is." He is like, "No, sir, you don't understand.
I am a Muslim
His father doesn't know.
If he knows he is with a Muslim boy,
he will never let he left from home again. Please contact the mother. He knows. "
"Fuck, man! Annoyed
I almost killed you, bro. It's close
I am in the action zone now.
I am on Die Hard 4.
You came to me with a plot of from Merchant . Fuck, man. "
And when I go home, ladies and gentlemen, is only covered in blood...
I know I'm ready to be a father.
Not because I applied for first aid,
because I got home sick, because I saved the girl
I knew I was ready to become a father because I didn't kill that boy.
This rejects the desire to commit murder every morning
Is that too emotional?
Okay, just kill it. Let's talk about many things people are not emotional.
[inhaling] Racism Let's do that shit, huh? Come on.
♪ If you are racist and you know applause ♪
- [clapping] - what the hell, bro
[audience laughs]
What's the matter?
What is that...?
I don't even...
We know who you choose. OK.
You know what's weird Two people applaud. One of them is brown. One white
How does it work?
It will be cold if they look at each other. Like...
Now, I understand racism, women and men.
Indian people, we spend our lives claiming that we are victims of racism.
isn't it? But anyway, all Indians return home...
[man] Very racist.
Racist pretty damn right?
But this is strange dichotomous failure of racism
mixed with, like, feudalism and slavery and curry.
Like if a beautiful American girl, blonde hair, blue eyes,
come to Delhi and are walking on the road
because he's crazy...
in two minutes, there will be two fat, bald, thin Indian men Across the street looking at it, like, "Madam!
Hello Madame!
[kissing]
Madame!"
And think about the dichotomy of racism.
While they crept out, they still called him "Madame."
There is respect there.
And look, like most Eastern cultures, our version of racism...
is what we adapt from what is taught to us.
By english I'm sorry. It is true.
This kind of English finds this nonsense. Are they not, ladies and gentlemen?
Because they rule the whole world.
This is not the first Brexit that occurs in history, ladies and gentlemen.
This is only the first intentional, All right?
Britain rules America. They govern Africa. Who rules the East.
I feel like England must see America The way Venus sees Serena.
Like, "Bitch, I train you.
You learn this nonsense from me."
Lob.
I will tell a story about racism, ladies and gentlemen,
and I guarantee you at some point, You will feel uncomfortable.
But hold it there with me. There is a good ending.
So I surfed in southern India. Small villages in Tamil Nadu.
The type of village where everyone spends ten hours a day
on the beach, tanning, baking.
Some different nationalities. I, some English, some Aussies.
Black man named Marcus.
When Marcus holds a surfboard, walk to the beach,
he was stopped by a Tamil villager who said, "Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
You. You are black Blackie."
Now, hang on.
Instantly, your educated mind explodes.
Poof! This is racism. Even Marcus was shocked.
He is like, "Man, What are you saying to me?"
He is like, "No, no, no. You. You are black Blackie."
This person then goes to his house,
build two sleeping children from their naps,
When they rub their eyes,
and said, "Look, look, look, look. He's black. Blackie."
I submit to you that it's not racism at two counts, ladies and gentlemen.
Number one, There is no malice in the person's heart.
There is attraction. There's curiosity.
And number two, this happened in Tamil Nadu...
where villagers and all of their families
ten times darker than black people.
And then the kids surround Marcus, and they play with him,
and he plays again, they see his hand
and see their own hands.
And they touch their hair and they touch their own hair.
And anyone from the front corner sees that
says, "Yes, this is racism. This qualifies."
But if you make a small left and see that,
that is one of the most beautiful things I have never seen.
This is the most honest, simple, non-judgmental, naive
acknowledge our differences.
Recognize them. Because we are different.
Aren't we, ladies and gentlemen?
My hair is different. My skin is different.
My color is different. My values are different.
And it's okay to talk about it.
If we only talk about facts that we are different
and acknowledge why we are different,
instead of pretending nothing is different
and still secretly think we are different,
finally we can all be on the same page and become less different.
[applause, applause]
If you bring that person out of Tamil Nadu
and drop it here in downtown New York,
He will take a walk in Harlem just go, "You are black, black.
You are black, black You are black, black Black, black, black, black."
And when he was released from the hospital...
Look, it's okay He won't understand What he did wrong,
Because for him, political correctness is not a concept he understands.
Like, if there is nonsense in your head, say once, learn, educate yourself,
find out why it's wrong, don't ever say it again
- Do you agree with me? Yes or no. - [audience] huh
Good. So let's start tonight.
So, white people, I leave it to you.
All Indians, Pakistanis, Bangladeshis,
Nepal and Sri Lanka.
We all look the same.
Please, confuse us everything you like.
We are basically the same people. No problem.
The only difference between me and Pakistanis is improving the quality of music and decreasing life expectancy.
That's all, okay?
[chuckles]
Chinese, let me talk to you Let's all relax and talk about this.
Chinese, I know that China is not the same as Laos,
is not the same as the Philippines, is not the same as Cambodia.
But I also know that, like, light purple, light purple and lavender
Everything is purple at a certain level, okay?
White people, can I talk to you?
Please stop overcompensating for what your great grandfather did.
Just because your great-grandfather is evil For us doesn't mean you have to be nice.
Every time I am with a white person, I feel like Robin Williams on Good Will Hunting
"It's not your fault, man. It's not yours..."
Forget it. Be like Germany.
Have you met Germans? At least they handle it, right?
"Some crap happens. It's not cool. From now on, I'll be cold.
High five. Take the train This is great. No gas Electricity."
Sucks work!
Because we live in an angry world. We live in an angry world.
We need more love in the world. Do you agree with me? Yes or no.
- [man] Whoo! - good
So after that setup is manipulative, I want to talk about India and Pakistan.
- Let's start. - [cheering]
I am aware of what is happening with India and Pakistan
is official leadership mostly on that side
making a bad official decision
I understand
But we basically are the same people.
- Yes or no? - Yes!
Do we know why we hate each other, women and men? Do we know?
We don't understand that hatred.
Very stupid people because of that hatred
Like going to war and watching cricket.
There are three types of Indians who watch cricket
Number one, enthusiast. They watch it every day.
Number two, puritan. Watch a few months of the year.
Number three, Indians who watch cricket one day a year
just because you hate Pakistan
You know who you are.
And what is the big opinion between India and Pakistan?
What is Kashmir?
Right? We continue to talk about Kashmir.
We continue to speak in Kashmir. Is anyone listening to Kashmir?
- Really listening to - [man] not
Kashmir is like a woman who is dating two people,
and both of them are ordering food for him.
So Indians like it, "He will have vegetables.
Vegetables for Kashmir."
And Pakistan like, "Oh no, no, no, no. Bring him beef. He likes beef."
"He has been eating vegetables for 60 years."
"Yeah, but when you sleep, He tries beef."
"Oh, you want to give beef? Cool. Pigs. Pigs for Kashmir.
Pigs on a plate of Kashmir."
And Kashmir is the same as, "I want to fish.
No one asks me."
But that's what's fun being here. You know?
As here, it doesn't matter.
Like in the West, India, Pakistan, People of Bangladesh, Nepal, Sri Lanka,
we are all the same, right?
[man] Yep.
In the West, we are all Arabs.
And there is unity in that.
Unlike Arabs.
Have you ever seen war in the Middle East? I do not understand.
The people at the end are like, "God..." [imitating shots]
And the people on the other end are like, "God..." [imitating a shot]
And I guarantee, God is only in heaven like, "Fuck!
Which are you?"
I don't even... This is why we find chess, remember?
"I need consultation. Grand, come here, man."
"Yes, of course. What is that?"
"Do you remember which one is good?"
"Go to hell. I still haven't talked to you."
"Man, are you still sulking?"
"Look, when we start the band, it is Allah and Akbar.
Good? Allah and Akbar.
Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid.
Allah and Akbar. Allah and Akbar.
But now it is Allah. Who is Great? Yes?
This is what everyone says, 'Oh, I know God.
Who is Akbar? "
Mr. Breakout Solo Artist.
Mr. Muslim Timberlake. "
You love each other Do you meet each other?
What, I ask for social security? number or something?
- You. What is your name? - [man] Varun
Varun, is this is your beautiful wife?
- [Varun] No. - No?
She's your girlfriend? How long have you been together?
- One half. - Why don't you do this nonsense, man?
I did not fly 2,000 miles to New York to talk to the damn Varun.
Good. I am now offended by both parts of the crowd. We are in a good place.
I believe I have the worst first kiss in the history of the first kiss.
Let me tell you why.
Because my first kiss happened in the 90s
And the 90s was a reckless time.
We only kiss without information.
At the moment, there is information right? You can Google map his lips.
YouTube techniques Contact Uber. Damn it works.
But in the 90s in India, we had two references to kissing exercises.
Number one, Hollywood movies.
Number two, Bollywood movies.
Hollywood movies, every time There are white people kissing on TV,
Indian parents quickly passed dirt from the tape.
"This is sin. This is sin. My child will not watch it."
So all white people look like two zombies eat nonsense with each other.
I'm 36 years old Today, if I see White people kiss, I can't sleep.
And Bollywood kisses in the 90s, really?
I will tell you What is a Bollywood kiss in the 90s.
So let's paint the scene, okay?
The man goes like this. [grumble]
Twenty feet away.
The girl left... [grumble]
Two flowers make love to each other, and everyone is happy.
[applause]
We don't show kisses. We only show two flowers.
Cut back to the boy. [slurps] Ahh!
Because all nations will go, "Ooh, horticulture, yes."
Chlorophyll.
Potatoes.
So I don't know many things about kissing
For example, I don't know that kissing the tongue involved.
I mean, I know that now.
Hello.
No, madam, I know there A different approach to the tongue.
That's why you laugh.
You know, Some people don't like a lot of tongue.
Some people come to you like Lord Voldemort.
[talking nonsense]
[bullshit continues]
This is a visual that will haunt you tonight
[talking nonsense]
I don't know about the tongue, So, imagine my surprise
When the first two minutes of my kiss,
Suddenly a tongue appears on the door, like, "Bonjour.
Can I enter?"
I know now as an adult,
the correct response is to be like, " Bonsoir.
We have been waiting for you.
Can I show the living room? "
Because this is French, isn't it?
The two French children come with a French kiss?
Stop in the middle of a normal kiss and leave," Stop, stop, stop. "
inhale]
This kiss is bad [punch]
Where is the passion?
Where is the discovery?
Where is "eating"? - "Do you mean heat?"
I want to eat your face
I want to taste the surface of your soul.
I want to know what you eat lunch.
I want to find a small cavity between your teeth
and hide my feelings there. "
So once the tongue appears in my mouth,
I think this is a mistake.
I close my teeth.
So now the tongue is licking the surface of my teeth. a window in a skyscraper....
I still think this is a mistake.
So now I send my tongue to push his tongue back to his territory.
Our tongue language like India and Pakistan. Fucking a strike operation occurs.
And our nose hits each other.
There is water running down my face, mixing with snot, into our mouth.
Our kiss feels like a salty Goa beach.
And in the middle of all that, My nostrils start whistling.
So my first kiss sounds like this.
[imitating a kiss, whistling]
And the girl is very sweet, she returns.
[imitating a kiss, whistling]
There are dogs and taxis stop around us
Seven dwarves come from the forest. That is very beautiful.
I can feel vomit in his mouth and go back down.
[audience groaning]
This is too easy for this generation. Do you know what I mean?
I have a niece, right? And that's how he met girls.
He sent them an message and he was like, "Hey, kid, are you awake?"
And then the girl is like, "I wake up."
And then it's up. I don't know how...
We have to take the compass and write The girl's name on our damn arm isn't it?
Puja!
I believe, ladies and gentlemen, while we talk about love,
that India does not have the right to call itself a progressive state
Until someone in India can love what they want,
regardless of race, caste, trust or sexual orientation.
[cheering]
Like, I understand homosexuality, women and men.
I mean, I'm not interested in other men, but I can see how someone will...
interested in other men.
Because I have been with many women who has been
[laughter]
But this is crime in India, women and men.
This is a crime. How?
If it is a crime, there must be a way investigation and method of judgment.
How do you judge a gay crime? Is there an experiment?
"Order! Order!
The defendant will now be sworn in.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the real thing? "I don't know, man, but I have to tell you.
This is the first Gita I've handled it."
"Stop making jokes in my trial.
Defendants have been charged with sodomy, excessive fellatio
and flamboyant attached.
- Defendant, how do you plead? " -" Not guilty. "
" Did you say You didn't have sex with another man? "
" No, I just said that I didn't feel guilty.
Can I request 'very satisfied'? "
But it's not just sodomy.
Do you know that according to 377, oral and anal also break the law?
Do you know this?
Oral sex and anal sex against the law in India
= = We have 1.2 billion people.
[applause, applause]
Forget oral and anal legalization.
We have to advertise that nonsense.
There must be an billboard with a punch on them.
We should be Anal Day.
We must have a History Month As.
Hashtags: Back Lives Matter.
[cheering]
There must be an "all-odomy" party.
The prime minister must do it a radio program called "Bum ki Baat."
Every Sunday "Bum ki Baat!"
And let's talk about the whole community, Not just gay men.
Let's talk about LGBT.
Lesbians, gay... [muttering]
Because as Indian men, we don't have a response to lesbianism, right?
We just don't acknowledge its existence.
After 2,000 years of educated evolution,
all of our responses to lesbians are fair, "Huh?
What?"
Like, for us, lesbians are Bluetooth headsets.
"How do you pair...?
Are there cables?"
Like, for us, lesbians are iPhone 7.
There is no jack
I understand heartbreak
You know, sometimes it's a relationship. Sometimes it's an election.
[sighs]
Is there a broken heart?
If your heart breaks, raise your hand. Are you
You do things that you are proud of when you return your life back
that you will enjoy, right?
Number two, you will do many things that you are not proud of
that you really will really enjoy, right?
I will tell a story.
Two years ago, in October, I was married to the woman of my dreams.
Now, this is the first time in my life that I'm married
The second time in my life that I tried to get married.
I am now in my 30s.
When I was 28 years old, I experienced bad luck had to cancel marriage
But, uh... uh, mine alone.
It's not like I canceled someone else's marriage
Only Indian fathers can do that nonsense.
"You can't go."
"But I love him." [imitating slap] "Shut up, Fatima."
This is the information you need to know. I applied for a girl.
I got the proposal right, ladies.
Vice president of a suite in a hotel, 2,000 roses, 900 candles.
I kneel and propose,
as a violin string quartet play our favorite song
- [woman] Whoo! - yes?
And, women, the most important part of the process is...
[audience] Ring
Not the ring, you selfish whore, no.
Where are my romantic people?
The most important part of the process is...
- [woman] knee - Knee. There you go.
Give him a big round of applause.
Knee. It's very important, right, woman, to get down on one knee?
Yes, yes
That's when they understand they are being proposed for
When your knee goes "uh," their brain goes pinging. They understand.
It's always the first they talk about in the story.
"Oh, God, it's very romantic. He falls on one knee.
He opposes gravity!
And the frame structure of the human body and ups and downs... What else will he do, a Surya Namaskara?
He can't kneel. That's your job
[audience] Ohh!
I'm sorry. Engineer, it's a job joke.
I mean this, ladies and gentlemen. My proposal is big.
Will you agree, my dear?
- So my separation should be... - Grand!
Unless I break up on Skype.
Which is still okay If it's Snapchat, I will shoot myself.
The information you need to know is this.
My fiance went abroad to New York to complete her MBA before our wedding.
In college, he is very funny study partner, a man I have never liked,
Because when I see his face, I know there must be a twist.
We have sent 1,000 invitations to people in Delhi,
which means 9,000 people come to the wedding
Like Delhi people call it, "Family marriage is small and intimate."
Now Friday night, three o'clock in the morning,
three months before my marriage
My fiance has told me that she fell in love
and will leave me for him.
Unless he doesn't say that.
- He typed it - [audience] Ohh!
On Skype.
You Indian engineers can appreciate how messed up it is.
"He doesn't use it video chat interface?
We have designed video chat interface.
Millions of Indians have died as virgins in San Jose, California, to design... "
You know that little chat box at the bottom of Skype
for when does nonsense work?
Except That shit works.
So you're watching someone You can hear typing messages for you.
Meanwhile, you only see a box that says "typing, typing, typing."
When you wait your heart falls apart. "Typing, typing, typing, typing."
For karma it will change the direction of your whole life
"Typing, typing, typing, typing."
And which of you is a bastard technician
come with "typing, typing, typing, typing"?
Even on WhatsApp, this is very annoying. Yes or no?
- yes! - Can we not make it more honest?
"Typing.
Still typing.
I'm very bad in English.
I'm on Vodafone. This can take nine months."
But no. "Typing, typing, typing, typing."
And then the confession arrived.
And things about heartbreak...
whether it's downgrade immediately your intelligence
to the level of intelligence from people who break your heart
Because suddenly, I don't know what to say.
And I am a public speaker.
So for some reason,
I still don't understand why I started retyping
Because my logic is if I can't voice "fuck you,"
Then, for God's sake, I will use it.
And then just "typing, typing, typing, typing."
and psoosh!
Do you know that the sound is on Skype? Psoosh!
That's the sound from the heart of a man destroyed Psoosh!
And then Friday night, three o'clock in the morning,
is where I made my cardinal mistake.
I entered Facebook.
We've all done it, haven't we?
Make a mistake thinking about you Facebook friends are your true friends.
But you won't get it on Facebook.
The only interaction that you will get from other human souls on Facebook
is "like, like, thumb, thumb, sharing, sharing, LOL, LOL,
smileys, smileys, winky smiley, smiley crooked, na-na-na-na-na."
And the worst, LULZ.
"L-U...
L-Z."
LULZ.
Because, apparently, LOL is not enough for Indians.
So in the middle of the night, I changed my Facebook status...
from "engaging" to "single".
And I go to bed thinking, "Tomorrow will be a brighter day."
[whistles]
LULZ.
My homeworker calls me at 9:00 a.m.
and said, "Vir, did you change? your Facebook status last night?"
[whimpers] "Ye-Yeah."
"You know reporters are your friends on Facebook, right, Vir?"
"You mean they're not my first friends?"
"The newspaper will do an article about your marriage being canceled."
I can't tell you which newspaper? I was told I would be prosecuted.
Because it's Netflix.
But, uh, it rhymes with "Windustan Times."
[chuckles]
Legal path.
So now we have lined up an article with another newspaper
I can't tell you which newspaper, But it rhymes with "Wombay Times."
"So you will write about being single in Mumbai, life.
We put a positive spin on it, and that's how we deliver the news. Yay."
I have been single in Mumbai for six hours
But here I am, just write this column about how I believe
Mumbai is the greatest city in the world
to find a girl and fall in love and settle down and rent an apartment.
If you are not a North Indian actor, not a vegetarian, not a Muslim,
You will be fine.
And the newspaper liked it very much, they didn't put it in their local newspaper.
They put it in their national newspaper Sunday,
"The Wimes of India."
With a big title that says, "Vir Das: Single in Mumbai, Life."
And that's how I canceled my wedding.
On that day, nothing appeared.
But what am I saying?
When you are heartbroken, You will do things that you are proud of that you will enjoy.
You will do many things that you are not proud of
that you will really, really, really enjoy
So this is what I'm proud of.
Seven months after this happens, I met a beautiful girl at a party.
Beautiful. Intelligence. Ambitious. Encouraged. It's just amazing
And I said, "Hi. My name is Vir Das." And he said, "Oh, I know who you are."
I thought maybe he had watched a movie, and if it wasn't Mastizaade, it was okay.
And he is like, "No. I read an article in the paper
that you write about love.
And I think you get love In a very cool and fun way."
Women and men, That girl is now my wife.
[cheering]
And that's good.
I enjoy that crap.
I'm proud of that.
This is what I'm not so proud of...
that I really enjoy.
Two months after that happens, girls from New York City call
and say, "I am very sorry. Can you bring me back and start talking about this and build our relationship? "
And I said...
- "Yes." - [audience] Ohh!
"Come on Skype."
And I insert the text of the article really slowly into the chat box,
row by row.
Because I know somewhere in the world,
he only sees a box that says, "typing, typing, typing, typing...
typing, typing, typing, typing.
LULZ."
[chuckles]
The show will end in 120 seconds.
I never know how to end the show.
What do I say?
I can tell you that I started my career in this city...
in the show for 60 people.
And I swear to myself One day I will come back here and I will sell the stadium.
But that's not true.
I have not sold this stadium.
Ten percent of you work for the government or the police
or some kind of damn VIP.
I can say that it was my dream performed at an iconic American comedy club.
But that's not true.
This is not an American comedy icon.
Comedy Shop in LA, That crap must be fun,
but this is a good start.
I can tell you that this is goodbye for a while
because I want to go all over the world, and I want to show them
Indian comedy is more than only head bobbed jokes and funny accents.
[cheering]
But that's not true.
When I get there, I will do it dilapidated jokes and funny accents.
I can tell you that I believe I am very excited about this market
because I believe it is the mecca for great performance
from all over the world
But that's not true.
That was true two weeks ago. I don't think we will get another visa.
That's my point
Or I can tell you all I want to say to you
And I can sandwich it between sarcasm and ignorance.
Because I know you
And you know me
And I know that you will understand.
My name is Vir Das.
Thank you.
Namaste.
Jai hind.
Good night.
[cheering]
[cheering on]
[rock intro]
[man singing: rock]
[singing continues]
Submitted by: www.subtitlecinema.com