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[announcer] Without further ado, Ladies and gentlemen, Theo Von! Wechat: NEXIABET Whatsapp: +66944385708
New Orleans!
Yes indeed.
How do we do it, Crescent City?
[applause]
Nice to be at home, baby Nice to be at home!
My friend said, "Dang, you will go down to New Orleans to shoot your special?"
I say, "Yes!"
He said, "What about that crime?" I said, "Yes."
He said, "You might be killed." I said, "Yes."
"But where else do you want to be killed, honey?"
I don't want to be shot dead in Cleveland
I don't want to be shot dead in Seattle. Kill me in New Orleans, baby!
Straight from the French Quarter,
with strippers on my arm and fried shrimp in my mouth!
Nice to be here, man.
I like this city, and it's very dangerous.
The last time I was here, I got a little black widow in March.
He is in his 40s.
At this bus stop, man. Directly from the Canal, bro.
Makes me right on the neck, kid.
This bastard is accurate.
It's difficult, man. Being a difficult year... family goods.
You know, always, man
My uncle has just been broken, uh, uh...
[inhaling]
sucking a small penis is really small.
Yes, they got it.
He is my favorite uncle, man. He teaches us how to masturbate, actually.
He doesn't touch us or something.
He just stands up and jerks into the fire at this party
I won't say anything. That is his party.
Sometimes you just sit there and become a Christian.
But in his defense, my uncle had a lot of problems in his life.
He usually masturbates in his sleep.
So... I'm not kidding, man.
So they make it using this Jingle bell on his wrist.
But a few nights You will hear it in another room,
ran through snow
You know what I'm saying, jerked my own dick off.
I will make a request. "Play 'Rudolph' Uncle Danny!"
"Please sleep!"
You say this musical masturbator does not accept requests?
What is this family, bro?
This family tree Hates in its branches.
Many child molesters out there?
Don't be offended if you are in the game.
And now, this is like a big problem, I think Like, if you are persecuted, you know.
There is a Child Service, it gets The news is circulating on the Internet.
Like, when I was young, you just got persecuted
Remember that, bro? Remember the 80s, man?
You have just been persecuted!
You have milkshakes and a ride somewhere.
That is the end of your agreement.
When I was young, if you were persecuted, You just returned to your motorcycle
and said, "We don't come here again
There is nothing but dick around here."
Look, if I have a dollar for every time I was persecuted...
I definitely like it, four dollars and 50 cents.
Because I entered this oral Denny's pyramid scheme.
Parents, you have to be careful when it comes to this kiddy tapping.
You have to be careful when coming into this kiddy tapping.
You can't get your child all stay up.
You can't get your boys lisp anyway.
Get the zits tightened. Get pro-action on him.
Keep it limp.
And then shock when he gets Selected by small children!
Fuck, you made it all out.
You know who isn't picked, is Ch-Ch-Charlie's little donkey, okay?
Who still has lisp, who gets pimples,
who wraps his bad legs around him good feet when he wants to go somewhere.
Nobody touches Ch-Ch-Charlie's little donkey.
You must think like an enemy.
Save your money, give it to your son in the same amount at the age of 18.
Let himself out when he is outside the danger zone
Think about life.
Nice to be home, man, I was born about eight blocks away, bro.
So good, man. I have an interesting family growing up.
My father is 70 years old When I was born, okay.
Real story. I'm not kidding, my father was born in 1910.
I was born in 1980.
Which basically makes me a stand-up comedian.
It's rather cold to grow with a 70-year-old father,
because of the time we spend. Shortly after I was born,
my father has a stroke
So, we both learn to walk at the same time.
We used to play games like catch or not.
And my favorite: "Do you sleep, or is he no longer with us?"
"It's your turn to endure the mirror under his nose." My mother used to make us hold mirrors Under her nose while napping
to see whether it will run away or not.
I swear to God, don't joke.
And kids in school will be like, "Well, my father can beat your father."
I will like, "Nothing, damn."
Your father has more organs than my father...
but my father used to bang your grandmother.
Back before they have protection, If everything you wear is hope.
"Do you have a condom?" "No, but I understand this."
That's the Alabama-born control, baby.
And that's cross country line.
And my friends are like, "Theo, you don't make fun of your conception
You must be happy you were born. You are that lucky sperm."
I'm like, "Lucky sperm?
I'm out of a 70-year-old cannon, bro."
I am the only sperm.
I have to turn off the beans. I have to close all windows,
damn 'broom up
On the way out, I pass the sperm framework
use the "Vote for Lyndon B. Johnson" button.
That's not an orgasm. That's a musket fire.
So when I say I'm happy to be somewhere, I'm just happy.
Wherever
Except at Denny's. They are many child molesters there
Do you have Denny here?
-Yes. -Yes!
Fuck Denny's, bruh.
Fuck Denny's, man.
I hope people will stop shoot to the cinema
and Denny's damn firing, okay.
Because if you are shot at Denny's,
that to you, playboy
Request respect and bring your family to IHOP like a real man.
Denny sucks. Everything at Denny's tastes like eggs and onions.
Everything.
Air, cake,
even silver if you just run there and lick them.
That place is shithole.
What do they clean with tables? Syrup?
Like once you sit down, you can't even wake up.
"I think we stay for lunch. I'm stuck!"
And all servants look like bad luck in every location
How do they do it?
They even have job applications?
Or they only have a special mirror, and if you look like garbage...
then you are on staff, Cynthia.
But you have to wear a hat,
Because nothing looks better than nonsense in the hat!
"Wear your hat, damn it. Waffles."
Fuckin 'hates Denny's, bro.
And half the waiter brought a mustache.
Will you shave your woman, Denny?
Shave your woman before You put them on the dance floor.
Lady looks like a damn cat.
"Meow Meadow! Meow-come to Denny's! all run out of milk. "
Fuckin 'hates Denny's, bro.
I hate Denny's, and I keep going back there!
I keep coming back.
This is me every time I leave Denny's. "Man, fuck this place, man."
A week later, "Yes, ma'am, table for one.
Near the window? Yes, ma'am, thank you. Yes.
Thank you. "
Fuckin 'hates Denny's, man.
Oh, I don't know why it just makes me very angry
I have to stop, man. I will stop
I often go a lot My ex-girlfriend lives at Denny's,
Because he is a drug addict.
And...
So, I usually go there and use shiter,
Because I don't want to use them in his house.
So I will use Denny's shy.
But no more, man. Fuck that, man.
I will be annoying outside, kid, like one of God's sons. Raise.
What else happened, man?
Just now chasin 'is hos, really.
There are no violations, hos. Just trying to meet a nice woman.
I see some of you have one. Good to you
Some beautiful women here tonight.
It's difficult, you have to have money today to get a woman
And I don't blame you women.
Who wants to make love with poor guys?
That's evil.
You finish banging it, You just put it there all poor.
"Can I make towels that don't fit? One of the other towels?
What about some chips?
Want to divide a bag of chips with daddy?
Some chips, baby. Want calories to rise bang, wild cat? "
Must have money to get women, man. You have to have good nonsense
I don't have nonsense. I have another nonsense.
I don't have a nice apartment.
This is how I cheat, I put everything I have The best thing is near the door, right?
So it looks good when you enter.
"Yeah, take another step to the new toaster!
Good!
Just set your bag with the Sopranos box.
Haters welcome." - [audience member] Yep! -I don't have a good car.
I have a car where you act like you don't remember where you parked,
but you stand Right next to your car.
And when no one sees, you damn 'come in and you run away.
It looks like you stole your own car
You tell your friend it's rent.
They are like, "They are renting A deal for people?"
Like, "Yes, I just drive it for charity, actually, yes.
Yes, every time I lock it, A blind child can see four seconds.
So he gets that pop, you know.
So, I get a lot of speeding tickets, you know, for the dark little donkey. "
Don't be offended, if someone is blind too.
My friend Maurice is blind, and he says it's not that bad.
But you have to have money to get the women
If you don't have money, you must have Other money: medicine.
Especially at L.A., Man, that's where I live now.
They are girls out there a bunch of coke ghosts.
That's what I call them.
Coke-ghost, baby, because they are not visible
They don't answer your calls, your text,
but you are out a small bag of caine-caine,
they are fucking 'appear out of thin air
Like, "Blow!
Blow!"
Then they get angry when you want get them on the sheets
I'm like, "Bitch, you're a ghost!
This is your natural outfit.
Now come to daddy."
And if you don't have money or medicine, you have to be yourself.
Fuck that, man.
The last thing I did was to be myself. Not on my watch!
What will I say to a girl? "Hey, my name is Theo.
For the most part, I'm just Netflix and my hope continues."
You will be alone forever!
But lately you don't have to do it on your own because they have internet.
You can be whatever you want.
You can become pineapple. You can die
You can be whatever you want, man.
I met a girl recently online.
I hit it, I said, "Let's have coffee."
So, he wrote me back. He said, "Coffee is boring.
Have you not read my profile? I am adventurous.
And there's no budget for me there parachuting-for-don't know-bitch money.
That nonsense isn't hittin 'my essence. I keep an unknown bitch at sea level.
So, I reply. I said, "Okay, listen here, fancy,
I happen to live on the 11th floor of my building.
Why don't you come here, I will help you from the balcony
in a windbreaker.
If you still feel all adventurous In a flower bed,
I will get your new crippled butt then coffee.
But caffeine won't save your feet,
And now I'm angry.
Now, I am angry at a woman that I have never met.
Thank you, internet
Do you know how it feels angry? on bitches you don't even know?
My friend like Sherman, "What's wrong?"
I'm like, "This whore!"
He is like, "Who?" I like, "I don't know!
Invisible prostitute, Sherman!
She's a skydiver. Let's wait for her ass."
"How do we know when he arrived here? is he not seen?"
"I don't know!
Wait until you feel 'bitch' in the air. That might be him! "
He is like," Relax, Little Bear. You need to go to yoga, Little Bear. "
" Stop fucking ' call me' Little Bear, 'Sherman.
Little bears aren't in their 30s, you're stupid. "
I get frustrated, man.
I feel frustrated easily, you know.
Have you ever felt frustrated, man?
- [man] at any time. -How do you relax?
You are not [laughs] Okay, right.
You are just gon 'anyway Emphasize until you pop, huh?
That's one way to do it, man.
Takes you to heaven
But, yes, it's hard, man, It's hard to relax.
I'm not good at that, man.
I tried marijuana. I know a lot of people in marijuan.
And I'm not good at them, man.
I get high, I just get real paranoid, do you know?
It's like my whole head turns into a haunted house.
I'm like, "What's that?
Oh, an idea.
It's strong, guys."
Then I tried yoga. I don't know if you have been to yoga.
I don't know if you've ever been to this agreement? Good?
If you haven't, it's like...
It's like fucking, But alone, it's actually slow.
And that's weird Because all the women are there
sweating from the groin a little.
What is the agreement, miss? Are you a little?
What happened?
What is happening?
Put a little powder on your pants before you enter there Starch up!
Pati, drink Red Bull, "G" up!
What, you hide your armpits in your groin? Live together!
Huh? Hah?
Use a cup, we don't care. Just collect it.
What if I travel around just rot on the ball all day
like I have a little St. Bernard live behind my nut?
"Back there, buddy. Back there."
"G" up, woman.
They need to get out of yoga marketing to dudes. Yoga is not for dudes.
"Hey, bro, want lots of nonsense You can't do it?"
"Fuck, no, you're crawling."
Touch my feet I don't touch my feet.
That's why God put them there, so I won't play with them,
You're a small sinner
Yoga is not for dudes, man.
If my grandfather enters six His friends stretch themselves at the same time,
He hits them with a damn shovel, okay?
This nonsense is not Christian!
"You guys are stretching and not even know each other's names!
What are you doing? Look at your life!"
Then they have guys who work in yoga studios.
It looks like he was fired from the Renaissance exhibition.
He is like, "You do a good job."
I'm like, "Who are you?"
He is like, "Open your hips."
"I will damage your linoleum.
I will be bad luck here, bro.
I'm a bad place, okay
Don't make me make this one from them. "
Yoga is not for dudes.
You want yoga classes for men, These are the classes, okay?
This is called" Simon Says Do not Fart. " minutes. Everybody farts, admits,
introduces themselves to others in the room, Not this cat manufacturer they runnin '.
I hate fartin'.
I do I always.
I always have, okay
I just hate it. I just don't--
I don't believe, man.
Can you believe we are still fartin '? Our farters.
We think we know something? Our farters.
We fly out of the air our butt when we want it.
What's up, people
I have an application on my cell phone that can take my blood pressure,
but my asshole still lives in the Wild West.
If Apple wants to spend half an hour on our sphincters,
we will not have this problem!
Bring back Jobs!
I hate farting, man.
It's like your booty tries to tell everyone's secrets.
It's like, "Don't kiss it, You will know everything!"
The worst is when you are alone, live in your home,
and you are alone in the living room
and you fucking cut a small bud up into the air, kid,
Because you know what happened,
Because you might go to heaven.
Then someone comes to the room Because they want to "tell you something."
Now you have to kiss everything before they approach you like--
[inhaling, exhaling]
"Hey, Danny!"
You try to talk so hard, they can't smell.
"How are you?
Let's talk on the wall. We never do that!
Let's chat outside. It's raining? Who cares! We're young!" I hate fartin '.
We must defeat him, man.
We must defeat it.
I think we will
Who even found fartin '? Have you ever asked yourself?
Or you just fuckin 'fartin', you goosebumps.
Maybe someone from Mississippi, okay?
I don't know whether you guys have been to Mississippi or not
If not, let me save you a little money on the trip, okay?
Go home, urinate in your toilet,
and then enter there with that.
"Ooh! Mississippi!"
That place is shithole, man.
They need to give it to Palestinians and solve damn world problems, okay?
They still have slaves there!
I was there a month ago, I pumped gas to the gas station,
a brother comes out of the bush,
He is like, "You got news from the North?"
Like, fuck this place, man!
We need to bring Morgan Freeman out of there and then bomb the place.
Not with bombs, but there are those ' ' that really scare them: book!
[shouting] "Algebra!"
Fuckin 'hates Mississippi, man.
Don't be offended if you from Mississippi too
I don't know anymore, man.
I just don't know what God wants us to do [sighs]
So I decided I had to get off Interwebs.
I'm trying to meet a woman on Interwebs.
Electric man
And I said I had to meet a woman ancient ways. People interaction
I said I would ask out the next woman I saw
to practice asking women to come out,
to practice ridin 'the motorbike,
Because I forgot what it feels like.
So I met a girl, She has brown teeth.
Only one, hater.
But I'm a Christian.
I will see the rest, see what else God has built
around this small slum city in its mouth,
around this little Bethlehem.
I don't know his life. Maybe he was hit by with something brown right in the tooth.
Maybe someone has something brown and they throw it somewhere
and he is somewhere and he gets hit.
Good. I don't know his life.
"Knock, tap." "Who is there?" "His life."
"I don't know you, bro."
So I asked her to date, right?
[laughs] He said no.
I like, "You have brown teeth, women!
Your face is dying!
Your face is dying, okay?
You are some sweets from being jack-o'-lantern,
You sugar whore small.
At least let me take you out for salad, girly
Get some baby carrots in your mouth.
Get some vitamins in your system. Give your grill back to his feet. "
Because who should I ask,
if someone whose face Does the rottin 'of their body say no?
Huh? A headless woman?
Where I will meet a woman without head, huh? A headless woman who only wears her hat in her neck stub and goes to the bank? I just cut a small piece of from steak and just...
just shake them into the neck hole?
That's not true.
And I'm not gay, man. There are too many gays out there.
How many gays are out there, bro?
- [man] One hundred million. -No, not one hundred million.
Are you crazy, man?
Bro, they will - They will be under everything, man.
Bro, no Not one hundred million. Maybe eighty thousand.
Ninety thousand. Maybe.
With Obama in the office, who knows? He might...
buy gay from another country, maybe...
Yes. Maybe gettin ' a group of gay Chinese soon.
We don't know, what I'm saying
We don't know how many people this little monkey, guys
We don't know.
And this is the kicker. Science still considers a monkey doing this.
Uh, hello, science Some monkeys do this, okay?
Don't be offended if you are gay too.
I mean, I might suck a little dick about 80. Know what I'm saying, bro?
You suck a little dick at 80?
Come on, you come in?
Huh? For what For suckin 'dick!
At 80, bro?
Are you busy?
You don't do anything at age 80, just sit near the window
Wherever you go at the age of 80, they put you near the window.
"Put the Pop-Pop near the window!
Pop-Pop here, put it near the window!"
They are not even unlucky to ask Pop-Pop.
Damn window, they just wheel you there.
"That's Pop-Pop. It's your window."
You will not return back someday and huff your child off once?
Add a little taste to the life of Pop-Pop. Come on, man.
This is not gay at the age of 80, bro. Very cold.
Same as, "Grandpa is crazy.
But he remains active."
What do you worry about, that feeling?
You won't feel it.
At 80, bro, you won't feel it, man.
You don't have the feeling of left in your mouth at 80!
All your feelings go to heaven.
Everything feels like warm water.
Maybe like someone who tried to sneak out fish into your mouth
"Who tried to give me this fish stick?
Old Pop-Pop doesn't order fish sticks!"
It might be like eating a hot dog _ it fights a little.
Come on, man.
Are you afraid to suck a little dick? That's the coolest thing I've ever heard.
You have changed, man
Being gay has changed, man.
Being gay changes. Now gay dudes are the same as, "I'm gay!"
It's okay. That is how is always supposed to be
Don't forget OGs from games, baby
Don't forget father and stepfather,
who will meet behind Shoney's at their lunch break
and tug uglies and return home to their families and children.
Let's enjoy a big round of applause for those people
OGs, baby The Original Gays.
Some people are too gay lately, though, bro.
Super gay, kind of gay dudes where even my gay friends like,
"This slut needs to relax a little."
This person approached me One day at L.A., man.
He has all the items in the Easter basket
He has a telephone and money in the Easter basket
And he said he was lost, he needed directions
I said, "I can't help you go anywhere, bro,
not if you frikking bring your own Easter."
You can always find super gay guys.
And there are always white guys who are frikking.
And he always stands a place like this
And he always comes in a problematic environment
And he stands there like this.
[trembling]
Like someone who defeated him with a soft cold penis,
But nobody beat it with a soft cold penis!
This is in his brain.
And he's in Daisy Dukes, But more Daisy than Duke. Good?
And he has bright white feet, Like, white Boo-Radley,
like a high soft cream bag hold it
And he doesn't even look like someone else.
He looks like a premature baby Someone stretches really high
and put a small tank on it.
And it seems like he doesn't even have a spine on his body Like, in the morning He falls like this in a small pile.
And then he just... [sipping]
caught the smell of a penis in the distance,
and it has been holding it all day.
Like, come on, bro. That's super gay right?
What if I just impersonate super fucking straight all day long?
I just got up and started throwing Ball balls in hot bitches all day long.
Or eat raw meat and defecate in a race car?
They will take me to jail.
But bro-bro doing BYO Easter, and I have to act like everything is normal?
Come on, man!
Be ordinary gay, man.
You don't win something '.
Because we all have become little gays, bro. You've been there Just nod.
I'm gay, bro. I will tell you, man.
The first time I was gay, I was 11 years old, okay
The only time I was 11 years old.
And I'm in the cinema in my city.
I grew up in a small town called Covington, Louisiana,
not far from here okay? You know it?
Beautiful place, man. A beautiful place.
Lee Harvey Oswald goes to our high school.
Real story. Pistol Pete Maravich lives and dies in our city.
So... two good shooters.
Tulane University has the center for primate testing facilities in the city,
and in 1994, 70 infected monkeys came out,
and they let us out of the YMCA summer camp to help the police find them.
So what is that? have you finished with your life?
Until you and 11 children You barely know about wet swimsuits
has surrounded six chimpanzees outside Kenny Rogers Roasters,
You might really not know yourself.
I am in a cinema in our city.
I was there with my boyfriend. He looks like a boy.
But it's not a gay part of the story, what is it, conclusion-jumpers?
He looks like a boy because They only have one haircut in our city
because Mr. Ray is our bus driver.
On the third Thursday of this month, He will park the bus on the way home.
You have three dollars, You will hold your money.
He is also a barber.
He will take pictures of all the people who have their money.
He only knows one hairstyle. It's good like Polish lesbian lessons.
However, that month my daughter and I had a little spending money and we sit in the cinema. Our nonsense
Well, the film that had come to town was called Pumpkinhead. A creepy film
It is a film that was built because of fear.
So we sit there, just ready to be afraid
There is an old boy sitting beside me. He is 16 years old.
During the film, he got himself a handwork from his girlfriend,
and he ejaculates into my arm.
That is a decent amount.
And I only have hands for 11 years at that time, so it seems more than that.
But he really watered me.
And I like, "Damn, man. They caught me," You know?
"I'm gay."
So... I'm not kidding, man.
For three months, I thought I was a young homosexual. You know?
And I broke up with my girlfriend. I started jogging.
And then I sat there at Christmas, I cried and used all of these scarves.
I'm serious, man
My brother is like, "How are you, man?
My mother is upset You wear all her shawls." I like, "I'm a young homosexual, man.
We are just trying to live our lives."
He is like, "What are you talking about?"
"They bring people in Labuhead. And they catch me.
Where are you?"
He is like, "I don't know whether you are gay or not,
but you are the most stupid person I have met in my life."
Then he hit my ass, actually.
Is that hate crime?
I think I hate-criminals, man.
I know I think I hate-criticized.
But this is the wild part of the story. This is where God really steps in
Because a fellow who gets ridiculed to me...
he died.
He died. He died. He died. [repeats]
He died. He died...
He died in a car accident. He died of natural causes by a car.
Sometimes I will sit somewhere...
thinking or not thinking about something,
waiting for a thought to come and find me
And I will feel like...
Let me say this correctly. I will feel like...
It's like a little arm.
I swear to God, man.
Because I will only sit there do nothing, or maybe do something.
And my hand will go like that.
But I don't want anything.
But it seems like he wants something.
Like he tried to get something. Like he wants candy.
Because I won't be so reaching without sweets
Because I know we don't store candy in the house.
It's like he grabbed candy, Like, he tried to get butterscotch.
The second time I was gay was when I met Brad Pitt.
Because I met Brad Pitt, man. I did it. I met Brad Pitt.
The original, the only God ever made.
Meet his ass, okay?
This is what happened. Listen, haters.
So today is beautiful.
Because Brad only lived on a beautiful day.
And I walk. I will an audition on a lot of Fox in Los Angeles.
Maybe for big films like League from their own II or something heavy.
The sun hits me when I walk.
The light just dropped and only touched me on my neck and hair.
Like God caressing me, Let me know I'm still his son.
In the distance I see a man, right?
I say a man, but I'm talking about the most beautiful woman
You have seen men wrapped up.
He doesn't even look human. He looks like...
Poseidon has put together a secret little baby boys go down in the ocean
And when the child grows up,
He places it on land and says, "Go, kid.
You live there now."
Immediately, I'm gay. Good?
Like - Poof - Gay.
So, I walked and he walked, We both went to the same building.
This is a true story.
I don't even know if Brad Pitt goes on again,
or if there is an agreement now between gravity and Mother Nature
and God's grace,
where they quietly move Little Bradley wherever he has to go.
Like, God has a chessboard with one piece and Brad-fucking-Pitt.
Checkmate's life right?
So, I walk, he slides.
We both go to the same building, I look at him,
and I think for myself, "Man, that looks like Brad Pitt."
And then my brain goes, "That's why Brad Pitt, playboy."
Part of my brain is black and black A little 'hood with the rest of my brain.
I don't know what to do now, Because they don't teach you what to do
When you will meet Brad Pitt.
They teach us other things.
If you burn, little friend, stop, drop and roll
If you are going to argue with a short man, Don't argue with him in a vulnerable position.
Argue with him like this and be ready for his small actions.
But they don't teach you How do I meet Brad-frikking-Pitt
in Brad-frikking-person, right?
So I walk, he slides.
We go to the same building, I and the only Brad Pitt that God ever made.
Brad Pitt.
And he uses - He uses everything.
He once wore a tuxedo.
And he is riding a horse.
And he wears fur, But, like, exotic fur.
Animals we have never seen, like, chimpanzees and alacapetet.
And he told Lorax to come from his shoulder,
and he has Care Bear cuffs on his boots and wrists.
And... he doesn't wear clothes.
So he came from there, I came here.
Double doors in the building.
We arrive in front of this building At the same time,
and I think for myself,
"I will get the door, Because Brad does a lot of work for me."
So I took the door to the left of and I pulled it
Do you know how some jerk always lock the door on the left?
That bastard works here. Good?
So, I drag and lock.
Usually, you will do it open another door,
but for some reason, I just kept pulling this locked door
like that will start and I-cut the grass with it, right?
And Brad Pitt stands here. The only thing God has.
And you can feel it When he stands somewhere
Because he has this invisible energy out of him,
Because he is made of vagina and diamonds.
So, I pulled this door and he left, "Do you understand, man?"
Because that's what Brad Pitt said If dirt doesn't work well.
So I turned towards him like this.
If you've ever looked at him closely, It's like staring straight into the sun,
but with a little from Brad Pitt there.
I look back like this and I say, "I understand, man."
That's what my brain says. My mouth goes...
[stutter]
Right in front of his face! [stutter]
Like Asians who won't start. [stutter]
Thankfully he spoke [stuttering],
Because he is around social cockroaches like your child
I have to open door number two, but I don't want this interaction to end.
We might hug, maybe we make love a little. This is Hollywood, kid.
Here's my chance with Brad-frikkin'-Pitt, you're an animal.
So, door number two, okay?
Of course, I can open that door,
walking in this building, Let this person live his life.
Or I can open the door for him, Let him pass and leave my own life.
But this is what I did. I opened the door.
Like an open swing,
I jump and return my back against the open door.
Like, the way that person don't open the door
He looks at me like, "It's not like people open the door."
And I said, "I understand, man. I used to work at the door shop."
I'm not kidding, I saved it.
Right to his face, man. Right for Brad Pitt's face.
And... and he goes...
"Ha ha."
That's what he said.
"Ha ha."
And I don't know If you've heard it laugh yourself,
But I mean, it's beautiful.
You don't even hear it at first. You just feel laughter on your skin.
When you finally hear his laugh, I mean, it's just...
Sounds like a million babies eat cookies at the same time
Just when I heard his laugh, crop circles formed in my hair
And love memories for a hundred women I never even met
starts living in my heart
Mi corazón
So I just stand there against this door right?
People will enter and exit. I'm just reduced to a concierge by this person.
This woman came running, this straight road animal,
and he is like, "Did Brad Pitt just go in there?"
I'm like, "No, Mom. He left that," You know?
Because I didn't tell this where I saved it
Thank you. Thank you.
And the third time I'm gay is just a general time.
When I was young we used to play a game called "gay chicken".
Anyone in the Navy?
Uh...
Homosexual con pollo.
Like, you and your friends stand there, hold each penis, okay.
The first person to let go is gay.
But, if you experience an erection, you come out.
So you have to play violations and defense, bro.
The worst thing is when you start capturing a little pulse
"Why are you pumping pretending, homie? You are pumping pretending."
You can't play with a brother. You use both hands...
hard behind, L5-S1.
And you can't play with Asian men, Because you can't...
You only have to swear red with that
It's a different game, It's called "broken promise."
That's for young children.
That's for young people, man.
I was 11-7 years old in '92.
Me, man
They close us, though.
Too many people watching.
Fire hazard.
I am having a hard time meeting a good girl,
my friend said, "Let me make you a blind date."
I said, "Okay, I can't control my own life. You drive it."
So, he trapped me, and I got there early, I was ready to make a little love.
And I just waited for this girl, and finally I saw this girl.
I like, "Oh, man, I can meet this bitch myself."
He looks awkward, okay? Don't be offended if you are ugly.
But he looks bald.
He looks like he is beaten by animals.
He has watched new TV shows called Bear Beatings.
That is a two-part episode. At the end of the first part,
It feels like, "Will this bear continue to defeat this bitch?"
And the sequel is like, "This is a bear still beating this bitch!"
I'm not talking I look like something special.
I look like Patrick Swayze and Shrek has a son. Good?
I look like The Grinch That Stole Matt Damon.
♪ You mean, Jason Bourne ♪
If you see me from the side, Looks like I have a little Down Syndrome.
I can make that joke because I actually defeated Down Syndrome in 1991.
I am in forgiveness. Praise God, baby
Amen. That's where I came from, man.
I am from an environment where if you have a disability,
You better get rid of your nonsense, go back on the road and make money
The toughest child I have ever known is this child named Dairy, named after the food group.
He is yogurt and so on.
She has Down Syndrome, wearing a Scottie Pippen
and chain gold every day of his life and bring a damn gun, son.
"If he doesn't get money, then pop, pop
Pop-pop!"
I'm not kidding, man. He killed seven pets in our environment one year.
He killed seven pets, bro.
There isn't much you can do when you have DS friends
spraying on animals.
We will call the police. They will say, "You can't call us, call the church.
The boy is outside our jurisdiction, praise God."
What am I talking about Oh, girl on date.
So, this girl looks wild, bro.
You know, visually freelance.
Um...
His eyes are really far apart.
I don't know if it's new thing, woman.
I'm old-fashioned, I prefer from local faces You know, just...
Wait a minute 'meet a little' with your nose, you know
His eyes are really far apart, you know,
like he wants to be greedy and see everything
Last second, God just left "tink" with one of his eyes.
All the time I talked to him, I didn't know which eyes to look at.
I will look back and back to every eye,
Like those three, but only us.
"Nice to meet you-- What the fuck is
Is your father salmon? "
Ladies, if your eyes are far apart, Give your boyfriend an eye marker,
Tell him to draw a little more eyes on the inside of each eye.
Or draw a third eye in the middle.
Play" guess the two I saw from " with your mans
Help each other.
This woman also has a strong breath. A little breathing like--" Whoo!
Kill them! "
Strong, bro. Like--
Like one of his lungs who is addicted to for his jerk.
Come on, Jannie, you're talking about booty. "
Strong, bro.
Makes me nervous.
Ladies, if your friend has a strong breath, you have responsibility.
Get a little candy or cinnamon
Run by your friend, Throw them into his face like that.
Or more closed again, like that. Good?
See if anyone knows on his face.
Or use a peppermint full syringe,
sneak behind Smokey, Dexter he is on the neck.
Starting from the root, work your way. Help each other, woman.
Team work makes a dream job, okay?
This girl also has a big head to her. He is real, real, really extra-headed.
I'm old-fashioned, I like ordinary-headed women.
I like basic thought pieces.
He is really extra-headed,
Like his neck first in a go-catch-something-big contest.
Fast, you lose all the big stuff!
As God has taken it his usual head off
and dip it into bread and then put it back on its neck.
Makes me nervous, man.
Why does my friend even set me up with a big-headed girl?
I already have a big head. What should we do?
Have small children with big heads?
You can't even lift the beauty the head of a small ass.
It's too heavy for his body to get off the ground
He must learn to crawl from side to side, around him.
He must play one hour in all school dramas
Don't associate someone with the same nonsense they already have
If you have a one-legged friend, don't associate him with another one-legged friend
What do you think
They will only lean against each other somewhere where is that level?
Fuck no, man! Two people need at least three legs!
Look at the foot chart, you animal!
And women, if you have a big head, do your head
Do a few rounds around you, like that.
Put some Spanx heads. Hit your head
Hit your head, mama
I don't know if you know what Spanx, it's a special suit
they make it for women. I think the Germans are successful.
This pushes their whole body into their shoes, okay
I call it "camouflage."
But we don't pay attention to it, we only see the "ba-arc".
We don't see these delayed shoes, carry the rest.
Like - [sound like a boat]
Go to the club. [boat sound]
We only see "ba-arc," you know?
Like a sweet little vase You want to include all the flowers of your penis in
Then you take it home, you break this Spanx,
It's like opening up can a fridge biscuit.
Like - [popping up]
Like, "I-I'll just jerk on a tin
I'm tired, headache.
My headaches are tired. I love you."
But we are connected. Uh...
Sometimes you have to take one for the team,
even if you are a free agent.
We are connected, actually I'm afraid I can make her pregnant
Because of birth control I use,
destination...
It doesn't always work well, you know.
I don't want to have a baby with him, Because I don't even know him,
who must be detained in court
"Yes, Your Honor, this is our child, Headrick, but I don't know him."
Second, I don't want baby with him This is rather useless. He's like crazy teeth.
Have you ever met someone Like crazy teeth?
Like here. Like auditions of to be horns, but don't understand.
Walk here. Like, they smile and then smile again,
and you are like, "What's this?
Where do you get a balcony?"
Walk here, hide in the attic like John Wilkes Tooth,
just ready to fucking 'pop out and kill the president, kid.
Murder! Murder!
And I don't want our first baby to have special teeth
grow from his neck or back, small-er Sunday Shark.
Only get a job with a carnival, Work in a cage at night
open the mail off sharp teeth,
perform special shows for business people.
My son doesn't work in a cage.
So we are connected and...
After that we just lie there, me and him.
Two of God's children, finished eating apples
I kiss her around her neck here, where all that sweet,
here, on a sugar shelf.
Just rubbing my hand on him like this, just becomes real natural
Like a gentleman. Like a small husband.
Just like a small handicapped person caressing a scared sheep You know, just...
"You stop trembling, Daisy, It's just a storm coming, you see.
You keep growing your wool out, my little mitten maker
You want more Apple Jacks, isn't it? want more than father's? Apple Jacks, my little angel angel? "
Just being really cold with him.
Then I say, "Are you in the process of being born?"
He said no, and that's when I was really nervous.
It feels like my heart must be bad luck.
And then I like, "If you have a baby, do you save it,
and will it be okay if I just wrote your letter? "
Because a woman likes to get letters.
And she leaves, " Actually I can't imagine it. "
And that's when I started wandering damn rooms are high. wall, like a photo of his family on the beach.
He is like, "Calm down, really sad. I've had two miscarriages. "
And that's very sad. If someone says that,
You should be to hug them or buy a plant.
If you are a comedian, You don't think like that.
The devil tries to get your brain.
You say things you can't say, Because those words come from your brain
come out of your mouth, not through your heart first.
I like, "Have you had two miscarriages?
I feel lucky my penis lives after that there."
So that's what I did.
They are just jokes, people!
Not all can be funny.
And Jews clog the Internet.
That's all for that.
I think it's easier to meet a woman like before.
I don't know how old you are, but maybe in the 1800s or whatever.
At that time, you just came out from your home, if you are a man,
hundreds of miles if you have to, until you see any woman,
and you just started walk back with him.
He is like, "Where do we go?"
You are like, "Until the rest of your life."
And that is a relationship.
And if he gets out of line, you bring him to the warning increase.
And I don't say it's perfect, I just said that it worked.
And the man comes out and does the world work?
The woman lives at home and takes care of family work.
I don't think it's ideal for anyone, But the kids are fat, the cat is fed.
You get home, your wife is there with a letter,
like, "Tell me what the letter said!"
And I don't say it's perfect. I just said that it worked.
And then women start want to do everything
"We want to chew gum, we want to wear hats,
we want to push the big rig, we want CrossFit."
"CrossFittin?" What are you doing?
You are doing chin in empty warehouses all morning?
We starve at home. Are you worried about muscle density? And now they have one hundred machines in the gym for women.
And maybe now feels obliged to use it all.
When I was young, they had four machines in the gym for women,
and three of them are stoves.
"I'll do my chest and chest. Why don't you do the manicotti we love?"
And I don't say it's perfect. I said that it worked.
This is what I truly believe, woman.
Many relationships don't work anymore because the opponent is interesting.
Women feel like they have to do everything
It must feel like a ton of pressure.
But if you do all women's and men's goods,
What is the matter? What should we do?
I use facial moisturizer right now. I don't know what happened.
You make women do dead lifts all day, wonder why they don't have a girlfriend.
Because you really are.
I don't want to hug a woman and come in second!
You must be a woman Place a barbell.
Take some flowers, look lost.
You will have a boyfriend in five minutes.
We have to stay on our own path.
Ironically we have enough in general, women.
Women are always like, "You men look good in their sixties.
We start falling apart in their thirties. " That's nonsense.
That's nonsense, man.
I am in my 30s. Click my hips for the first hour of every day. at all, I have a marriage call for women with osteoporosis
built into my body Good?
My body used to be a separate part. Remember that, friend? = When your butt is separated from whatever it is,
When your stomach is separated from your chest
Now it feels like I live in fat muscles I can't find the zipper.
"Do you like my arm-leg backceps?"
I have gray hair. Is that scary?
Yes, woman, that means my head is dying
And one thousand gray hairs first,
They don't grow cool like part of a hair party,
they grow in all fuckin 'crazy and swirly, like they are taking drugs.
Like cracked hair,
like, "Damn, dog, I will suck your pen for some shampoo.
Just combing me, homie."
My cat looks different. I used to have beautiful beans.
If I have my old bean, I will bring them right for you,
You can pass it on to your friends and get see, take a snap with your phone.
They are very beautiful. Beautiful little beans
Looks like God has one Christmas decoration,
just hang it on my "D" branch,
and return to the castle of God.
And they are dried beans.
Someone has a good idea and says another.
The other is loved the idea of his friend,
and they hugged and listened to Cat Stevens.
And natural nuts are browned.
And I have never taken nuts in the sun Because I am with Christ,
I don't do nonsense like that.
Of course brown, like an angel coming at night
and just paint my beans with brown paint,
like Sistine Nutsack.
Now, my beans look like everyone else have used them when I'm not around.
Like I have timeshare beans.
Like, "Who doesn't take care of this?
I'm sure it's Thompson, check the log!"
We are messy too, ladies.
I have to pinch my cock when I fart so it's not the slightest.
And it's not a disease that I have, It's all here
over thirty years old.
When you see your husband In a hall like this,
You are like, "Did you have a stroke?" He is like, "I tried farting!"
We are messy too, man.
I was alone last year. I will tell you, bro.
I am not above anything.
I was alone last year. I drive my car,
and I'm not driving for luxury, self-meet group.
I just drive, and I reach the window cover,
and I don't know what button I pressed, but I myself.
Because you can't believe fart after 29, that's why.
I used to be young and farted with both of them my eyes opened like a donkey gangster.
[blowing air]
Now, I have to keep one eye closed.
Continue to guard inside.
Because you will be bad You are a sweet Christian.
I look forward to farting after having sex than I do for sex itself.
I dated this girl for a while, and she has a little cat,
there will always be in the kitchen waiting for meat and free crap
Small Democates
And I will go back to the room, will only be in that,
like two trains trying to pass it to each other on the same track,
But all the time I think, "When I'm done,
I'm-a going in the kitchen and farting on that cat.
That's the vagina that really will happen get here tonight
That little bastard. "
We are messy too, ladies. Put a dumbbell.
Take some flowers, look lost.
Everything will work.
Because I think I want to have children.
You have children What do you get?
[man] A little girl, and another in the oven.
You have one in the oven, huh? Hell, yes, kid, go in there.
I'm thinking of having children.
I have to get a girlfriend first, but... I think I want a child.
I just want something to be at home when I'm not there
But many of these kids Today's prostitutes, man, you know?
Mention seven children who are not bitches, bro.
Yes, no one can.
If they have a tall box here with small children in it,
I will be like, "What's up here? Little whore, that's it."
Because they get it too easily. These children have no struggle.
We have struggled, These children have vaccinations. Come on.
When I was young, you caught what you caught.
Everyone has something.
Rubella, pigtails, we all Have a little polio, remember?
I have a friend who has a fucking arm growing from his back, Larry Armback.
Have a good job as a crossing guard.
He could be an Olympic swimmer, But he has skin conditions.
He is black. So...
Oh, whatever, man.
You can put 20 arms on a brother, He won't be able to go inside.
Children call the police to their parents, man.
What? Return on the day If you call the police to your parents,
the police will call your parents on the phone
and tell your parents to beat your ass.
My mother used to chatter. I don't think he lives with us.
He strangles me very often, I can't wear clothes on my skin.
My friend likes, "You are naked!" I'm like, "But I behave '!
This is my behavior clothes.
Now stop seeing my cock. "
What if I have a stupid child? I'm worried about that.
I screw a stupid girl, dude.
One of them hatches something, now I have to increase it my whole life is just hugging Some kids, pretending not stupid,
and knowing he is stupid. .
We shouldn't let fools have children, boys
We won't have that problem.
If you don't graduate from high school, you should not have children.
How will you raise a child? You cannot raise "F" to "D."
The problem is we are circumcised the wrong part of the boy
We keep releasing turtlenecks, we need to take nuts.
Give them back to him When he graduated from high school.
"Congratulations, ladies and gentlemen, This is a beautiful day. Ladies, move your tassels from left to right
Men, you can choose your tassels
from the box the cardboard On the way out of the auditorium. "
Some of you women must stop having eight children
before we know what is your first child
You see a woman getting seven children all under the age of five.
Like, "How do you even fuckin 'do that?
You are not a woman, you are a witch."
From now on, you get one child.
We check his butt at six o'clock.
If he's not unlucky, you don't understand the child is more damn.
Why? Because the first is not bad.
Pain this nonsense in this country, man
Pain, bro. We have to get rid of a few people.
I don't know if I want to bring children to this world.
There are some straight goosebumps out there, dawg.
Some straight criminals.
If you are over 30 years old and you are still skateboarding,
who are you, man?
Not Tony Hawk, that's who.
Lift my insurance premium, sir.
Now go.
If you wear camouflage but not in the forest or in the military,
Who are you hiding?
From a decent appearance, that's who.
Desert Operation Dumb Ass. Now use an acceptable pattern,
or go out.
If you wear sunglasses While you exercise at the gym,
Are you serious?
You look like a blind person that's very good.
Only two men look good in sweat and sunglasses it's Fidel Castro and the late Macho Man Randy Savage.
So why don't you go into the lean section suggestions and exit?
If you sleep with TV,
and wonder why you have it attention deficit deficit
I don't know, maybe because you sleep with a TV on!
Turn off and turn off or exit
Asians who drive, are no longer driving
I know it's a cliché, But the trial period must be over, man.
They can't drive, man.
No more driving, okay?
I'm not Cirque du Soleil Because I can't Cirque du Soleil.
We shouldn't just do nonsense just because.
So park, Asians, and find hoverboards I know you know how to make
Because I can see it in your eyes...
or go out!
Thick people hoggin ' all wheelchairs at the airport.
And I don't say it's sista, but I didn't say no.
Disabled Persons Sergent So-and-So, who lost his leg in Afghanistan,
Because Mama Bear Bear is monopolizing all help Park it and walk if it's off, Loqshwanda, or get out Good?
Persians
Exit, bro.
Nobody likes you, man. Sorry to be the messenger.
If you are offended by whatever I say tonight,
let's go out, kid!
I'm Theo Von, thank you very much for coming out tonight
[applause]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
[rap music]
[Theo] Thank you! Delivered by: www.subtitlecinema.com