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I'm glad you are here.
I'm sorry for the metal detector.
That's my fault. I, um...
tweeted something, and, uh, it made some people
feel the need to express, um, want to kill me.
And...
I'm sorry I called for a military coup.
I know it's a long shot.
< You know, when you are a comedian now, you really have to think about everything through
before posting it, you know, on Twitter.
In our opinion, who are we, president?
Oh. No need. </ P>
But it's appreciated. </ P>
I & apos; m, uh... I & apos; m not a fancy person. </ P>
I am not & apos; t, um...
You know, I'm wearing onesie.
I'm not... I have friends. love is jewelry, and I love them.
But I... I don't know really. Value of jewelry at all.
That said... I love a good hotel room.
I need a soaking tub.
So, I have my stuff.
And I just got on the road,
and I have to stay in some very good hotels.
a Jew who complains.
Which is a stereotype.
Based on facts and patterns.
And then, like, concludes from the pattern -the pattern.
Why did you sell your culture, Sarah?
Sorry.
Is that laughing? Yes. Okay. </ P>
Um... But I did call down. </ P>
And I'm like, "Everything is amazing. </ P>
Thank you a lot.
Um, but I...
note it seems like there, um...
semen on...
I think this is called a blanket. </ P>
And... Or an entertainer. </ P>
And also, um...
There are also some, like it, bedside.
And, um, also, I notice there & apos; s all my breasts come up. That's & apos; s...
I only, you know, if there is & apos; s...
I hate complaining.
If there is an improvement to do, I will...
in I will accept it . "
Can you hear me when I only talk like this?
This is a sound system good.
You can hear I when I only talk like this?
I, uh, get laser hair removal.
And...
Have you just praise it?
You like, "Finally."
I got laser hair removal.
I waited a very long time to do it.
Uh... I want science to be at the top.
You know, like, we landed on Mars... I thought it was August 2012. </ p >
Are you just impressed that I remember the date? </ P>
What I'm saying is...
we landed on Mars in 2012. </ P>
I waited four more years. </ P> >
And then I looked up the highest ranked laser hair removal place
in my three apartment blocks.
And I went there. </ p >
It's called LaserAway.
And, um...
it's not what I...
I thought I was naive, and I just think you go,
and you get... And your hair gets removed. But it's much longer process.
For each section of hair you want to be deleted,
you have to go have eight separate sessions,
So, for me, I do, like, from the bottom right of my navel
to the floor.
And then come back. get around my back.
And, um... Isn't that funny. Is that funny? And that's a lie. </ P>
I did my arm too. </ P>
But, um...
I can't lie to you. </ P>
I got & apos; t.
Uh... Right. So, they make you pay in advance.
What makes sense, Now I think about it.
Because... it hurts a lot.
In your second session like, "Oh, I will gladly pay $ 3000
not to never come back here again. That will be a bargain. "
It hurts a lot.
And I have... I feel like I have high pain...
I think most women have a high pain threshold.
I have been punched in the face three times. And that is another story for another time.
But I...
This is a different type from sick. It's like nerves ending...
Like nerve damage.
Like, they give you a stress ball, and you press them.
And at that time you open your fingers open,
they are just, like, powder pyramid, basically.
It hurts so much. </ P>
I remember saying to myself like, "You are an adult woman. </ P>
Itu adalah uang Anda untuk diboroskan. Anda mendapatkan itu uang.
Throw it out the window. That doesn't matter. "
And, uh, when I walk back to my car. after the second session...
I actually remember exactly, like, words I told myself
when I walked to the car, I was like:
"What you just went through is trauma. </ P>
It's traumatic. "</ P>
And right at that time I have a text message from my girlfriend,
in Guatemala at the time with UNICEF.
And it just said...
said, "I just spent the morning with a woman. who witnessed his son being killed. "
And I like," You think it's bad? "
Because I have...
I have time difficult with perspective.
Like, I didn't get it. with experience, I think. </ P>
I'm walking here in Los Angeles, assessing people. </ P>
And that is not me being the best myself. I am not proud of that. </ P>
And that & apos; s not me being my best self. Iosm not proud of it.
But that's just a scenario.
And I remember just thinking, like, "You fucking...
shortsighted, shortsighted, narrow minded.
You don't get it. "
With their wallet, like $ 1500.
This is bag. It holds dirt. </ P>
Get a backpack. You are ridiculous. </ P>
Do you know? I am like, "You don't even get it. </ P>
We breathe ego, act like we don't & apos; ta speck of dust
in a speck of dust on a speck of dust glides through space.
We are nothing. "
And then in the next moment. I will be like:
" I want my face to money. "
I really .
I feel like I am worth... I want my face to money, period.
I just...
I want face my period on money.
Like:
No, it's more resilient. It's like:
Aw, I just heard my sister laugh. </ p >
He is dead. </ P>
No, he is here. I am joking. He is here. </ P>
I , um... I have a dog for years.
And he is my best friend.
Every time I'm home. I'm talking to him.
And then he dies, and I stop talking to him.
Makes sense .
Or isn't it? I don't know. I mean, does that really make sense? </ P>
He's just as important. From the conversation now...
in the box on my desk. </ P>
I stopped... This is what it is. </ P>
I stopped talking to myself because there was nothing & apos; ta dog in the room.
That's crazy.
So, now I have a new dog, Mary.
I, um... I saved her.
p>
Or I like to think he saved me.
I don't know which one is more rude. about putting it.
But I have it.
And, uh, I really love him.
He is everything to me.
He is young, and he is full of life.
And he is obsessed with squirrels.
And he also made me like it.
And he just, like, like a cuddler, and we played. </ P>
And we, like, spoons at night, and...
I will only give pins on that. To return the second and double and say...
that the squirrel line, I would call it, in comedy, disposable jokes.
I know it will laugh. When I say:
"He is obsessed with squirrels, and he also makes me like it."
But you just keep going to the main joke.
Now I have ruined it because I returned twice and, like, I, like, talked about it.
Now it's broken.
This isn't a joke once again. But that. </ P>
This is possible for two people in the audience,
but I will say the jokes that are thrown away are cool... </ p >
it's cool, like...
I play basketball. If you are, like, during the pick-up game,
you make, like, shots three sweet points,
and then after that, you don't smile.
You go straight back to defense.
That is the same coolness. > from one-time jokes. OK. </ P>
So... Really? </ P>
It was never laughed at before. </ P>
Well, you don't need to cancel it.
Keep on laughing.
So, um...
The truth is, me.... I have become a squirrel.
<And now I will take you to become a squirrel.
I'm not kidding.
Wait until you see.
>
I learned interesting facts about squirrels...
which I am very excited to tell you. I got & apos; t... me & apos; m...
Okay, this is what it is. This is this. </ P>
Squirrels...
can't find 80 percent of the beans they hide. </ P>
Are you kidding me? </ P>
Is that the biggest thing. Have you heard of your life? </ P>
First of all, animals shouldn't make mistakes.
I made this happen. It will explode...
Hold your skull, because of your brain. Damn it will explode.
That's how to plant trees.
Are you kidding me?
That's how to plant trees.
God, or the universe, or nature, or whatever, p>
creates this anxiety...
paranoid cokehead...
who thinks that everyone wants their seeds.
Nobody wants your seeds. </ P>
No one else in the world eats oak. </ P>
Only you. </ P>
That they hid it everywhere. </ P> <And then they are so messed up on coke...
they can only find two of every ten. </ P>
Squirrels plant trees. </ P>
In Israel. </ P>
Right. What I added. That's not true. I added that. </ P>
So, Mary is my dog. </ P>
And I love her. </ P>
And he made me become a squirrel. </ P>
And he's still young, and he's full of energy. But...
he's dying...
she & sos; s dying...
in that case, it's out there. </ P> >
Maybe in two weeks. Maybe in 12 years.
But out there, and it rises above me.
And my heart doesn't can accept it.
I made a mistake. I shouldn't have another dog.
Too much.
I'm & apos; m...
Don't & apos; t judge me. I will make him sleep now. I just...
I need it done. </ P>
And what do you know? In my defense...
within the scope of history...
did he die tomorrow when I put him to sleep, what I did...
or he died naturally in 12 years,
it's not even blip in the scope of history.
This is exactly the same time.
So, I'm right. </ P>
And I...
And he won't die in vain, because I will crucify him. </ P>
Oh, my God. How funny is that? </ P>
I don't know, he is a little, and he has, like, long legs. </ P>
And, like, he's kind of natural Feet doing that. </ P>
And then like: Oh, I have to break his arm.
I will.
Listen, if you want to become a legend, you have to suffer.
You think Jesus will be famous if we put it like a household pet?
No.
Jesus, son of God...
die for your sins...
uh, in his sleep While surrounded by his favorite toys?
That's ridiculous.
I will. .. Okay. </ P>
I will spoil. ..
and tell a story that is just a true story.
Um... This is about one of my sisters. I have three sisters.
It's about one of them.
Um... I won't say which one. But...
his name is Jodyne. </ P>
Um, Jodyne went to Boston University. </ P>
And if you are familiar with BU, they have a student dormitory. </ P>
Today most universities. Um...
But they have a shared bathroom. in the dormitory dormitory. </ P>
And Jodyne, uh, the most drunk she was once a student. year,
like so many new students.
And he staggered back to his room, and he managed to make it, uh, jeans,
you know, and just fainted with a T-shirt and underwear.
And a few minutes later, the room began to spin.
And he ran to the bathroom , and he starts vomiting. </ P>
And he vomited. </ P>
And when he throws up, he can feel
that someone is pulling his clothes down. </ P>
But he can't turn around or stop it, um,
because he vomits very hard.
And he vomits and vomits, and they pull their underwear down.
This will go down. All the way down to the ground.
And he finally finished vomiting,
and he whipped him. to see who was there.
But he didn't see anyone.
Because he had defecate yourself.
That... That is a true story.
I will say...
Like, I will call it a sigh of relief.
p>
Or, like, release laughs.
I know that I am your event.
But you have to understand, like it, you are my show. </ P>
And you are very beautiful. </ P>
You are very... You have a lot of empathy. </ P>
You are very worried. </ P>
You can hear pin pins in this story. </ P>
And, you know, I understand.
You think he will be raped.
And he thinks he will be raped.
He thinks he will be raped .
And I really think about this. And I...
I think this might be one of the only scenarios where You can look down
on underwear....
only:
Only filled with your own filth...
and thought, "Oh, thank God.
Oh, my God. </ P>
Oh, right, yay. "</ P>
My sister came to visit me. </ P>
Not a sister "pooping in the pants", But, um... My oldest brother. </ P>
Although, I'm sure he littered his pants.
He is a Silverman, after all.
Eh, no, this is my oldest brother, Susie.
He is a rabbi.
He lives in Jerusalem.
Um... " Oh, my Lord, a godless comedian
and, like, a total God-man Rabbi. Is that a sister? </ P>
What is that like? " is something you can reflect in the car.
So, Susie comes to town.
And she says, "Sarah, I met my friend Amber tomorrow. "
And then he told all about Amber.
He was like," Amber is amazing.
She was born and raised in Ethiopia.
>
He is alone. managing an orphanage there.
He is very inspiring.
I meet him tomorrow at 8 am.
And I said, "Of course, sure." You know. </ P>
"Use your key. I'll sleep. But yes." </ P>
So, the next morning, he forgot the key, of course .
And he knocked on the door, and I went to open the door.
My eyes were like, glued closed.
And I opened the door, and he leaves. "Sarah, this is Amber."
And I said, "Amber, nice to meet you.
<" I have hear a lot about you. " And I grabbed his hand.
And his hand is a hook.
And...
It's not important for the story, < br /> only for color,
his hands are hooks.
But, um... I'm too deep.
I'm just... I'm the one shake it.
And that is the wrong moment too.
I'm sure he will appreciate if I'm like:
"You have a hook for a hand. I don't know what the etiquette is. "</ P>
And he will be like, " Thank you for being real with me. </ P>
Nothing has ever happened to me. </ P> >
Yes, you can shake it, whatever. "
And then we will become true friends, and we may have a joke,
and that's how it appears in my mind. But...
I just shook the hook as if to say:
"This is what my hand feels."
Goodbye. </ P>
And go back to sleep. </ P>
And pretending it all is a neat dream. </ P>
Tapi Yesus Kristus, rabbi.
He must have told me nine things. about Amber.
Two of them should have been hooks, right? I'm not a bastard. At a minimum
He has hooks for hands. / p>
He is amazing.
She & apos; s amazing.
He lives in Ethiopia.
He is running himself....
That makes more sense.
He is brilliant, he inspires.
Double back, just a reminder...
he gets a hook for his hand.
But not Susie, not a rabbi.
He doesn't see color.
He doesn't even look at his hands.
That's how great he is.
I a... I'm a...
I am a very sexual person.
Um... You can always tell people who have sex
because they, um, tell you as segue
to the next bit in their stand-up action.
This is some kind of hint.
I am, though. I...
I know it's cool talking crazy during sex,
and I... I've tried it. </ P>
And it doesn't work for me, because I'm just...
I found out that the truth, uh, is blocking me, I guess .
Like, I...
Like, "Lord, your cock is so... Oh no, never... That's a shadow."
p>
What I do, I feel like, is a crazy way.
I like talking crazy right after having sex.
When things calm down.
Directly on his face, really calm.
and get a rape exam now?
Yes, what do you think?
You think they will find your semen all over and inside me? </ p >
Because of me.
Oh, I really am.
Maybe you should tickle my back. Until I fall asleep.
Is that a good idea, bastard? "
My boyfriend's foreign, so, I understand, Like, really nose to nose with him
and go," USA & apos; s number one. "
He will be like, " Number one in what? "
" You don't need to worry about that.
It's important to us. That we are number one. </ P>
Diabetes is children. "
What is the etiquette...?
I don't know if there is, like, anyone Emily Post-ish is here.
But to hug postcoital, uh, or after hugging sex, if you are stupid,
what is that...?
What is etiquette on where will I put...
"fuck" finger "
Is it just straight to the side?
Or... under the pillow? p>
Or just... Stop it. </ P>
Stop it completely. </ P>
That... That's what happened to Amber & Apos. </ P>
I'm kidding, you guys. </ P>
Come on. < /p>
Relax .
It was a land mine when he was 7 years old.
Look, sometimes I want to end jokes with sad truths.
Thank you, Jodyne.
You killed him, Sarah.
We gave our Barbie princess doll so they have pictures
of what should look like when they grow that cannot be achieved
so they can learn that they are part of dirt
and they have to commit suicide.
This is very important.
We must teach them young.
I'm not sure, uh...
who designed the scheme from this Barbie doll, or Bratz doll,
or sex worker doll.
I am not sure who we protect.
Uh...
Where obscenity exists, or...
Okay, so, Barbie. </ P>
Like, her legs are twice as long from his entire body.
And his legs are only: They just stand on tiptoes.
He can only wear high heels.
When he takes dirt at 3 am, he is on his heels.
Because he's a woman.
Her breasts... Okay.
So, uh...
he only has, like, the big one, fat, shiny breasts
that makes people jerk. </ P >
We must protect our daughters...
from the nourishing nipples of life.
We... That is too obscene.
There are no nipples .
We can & apos; t have our daughters see what nourishes life.
Only parts can get hard chicken sandwiches.
There are no pubic hairs.
That can be achieved.
You are right, audience.
Do you know what? Thank you for making me honest.
Not everyone can draw that view, but yes. </ P>
People always want Angelina Jolie & apos; s lips. </ P>
And I don't brag. Basically I have Angelina Jolie & apos; s lips. </ P>
Not all of them crack into. </ P>
But, um, I'm in my underwear. </ P>
But...
That's why I like the good...
p>
neat but triangular...
Shrubs are nuanced.
That doesn't make sense technically, but that sounds fancy.
I do, um...
Art reflects life. </ P>
Okay? And then, uh, life informs art, you know? </ P>
But we don & t; Movies, I don & t feel like really reflect life totally for women.
It's more like male & apos projections that.
It's getting a little better, but even in art-fartsy movies,
like, if you see a woman masturbating. In a scene,
he is always on his back. All those who dream and are sexy.
never face down, eyes dead and open, like that.
This works.
We learn what love is from movies and television,
and that is love that is broken for us.
Romantic comedy, all that nonsense, that is broken love. </ P>
Kami... Ini diajarkan kepada kita. Bahwa kita adalah orang-orang yang tidak lengkap
who needs to find one person. in the whole world that will equip us. </ P>
I promise you, there are thousands of people
that are very suitable. for anyone of you. </ P>
And I don't want to be complete... I'm not & apos; t...
I work really hard to be a complete person every day, you know?
I don & apos; t... I don't want to make you whole.
I want you to be whole.
I want you to be on... And I know I just said "comes a hole."
Another thing Barbie didn't have. </ P>
That would be a really strange feminist attitude. </ P>
"Why doesn't Barbie have a hole coming?" </ P>
"I don't know. What is that? This is subjective." </ P>
Recorded. </ P>
I did a fundraiser here a few years ago
with, um, my friend Lizz Winstead & apos; s organization, Lady Parts Justice.
Look.
And, uh, that's basically... I always say it's like, you know, um,
"the right to vote" like that.
But that is, technically, literally, only for women in Texas.
Because, at that time, every abortion clinic
was closed in Texas. They went down to five. </ P>
That was because it was much worse. But, um...
And we really want to raise money
to give to women in Texas
so they can, like, hire a babysitter
when they drive 12 hours for an abortion.
Or an affordable mammogram, or, do you know You, pap smear, or whatever. </ P>
And, uh, so, we did this show, and there were protesters outside. </ P>
Um, you know, " the right to live, "uh, Westboro-y Baptist Church, NPR people.
And... Not NPR.
NRA.
That is... They are different.
Tote bags are completely different.
Um, and they are out of protest.
And I won't care to them. Because I am them.
We are the same.
You know, I am the product of how I grew up.
I was raised by a couple of Jewish-blooded, liberal-blooded people,
and now I am one. And I would like to think
that I will be there myself, but maybe not. </ P>
I am the product of how I grew up. </ P>
And these people were raised by people who loved them
who said, "There are people out there who want kill a baby. "
If I were that child, I would be like, " We have to stop them. " </ P>
And I will be out there protesting. </ P>
So, I go outside, and I just want to say hi
and show a warm, friendly face to my baby killer.
And I said, uh, "Hi, hi. Isn't it great...? I just want to say,
it's not good if we live in the country Where can I use this event
because it's something I believe in,
and you can protest this event < br /> because of what you believe,
and we can occupy the same space peacefully? "
And he said," Lord, you are right. "
I am just kidding. He goes," You will go to hell. "
And I like," Okay, nice to meet you. "
But there is, like, a 9-year-old girl there with a small pink cardigan.
And she has a big... She has a sign, like, twice his size.
And it says, uh, "Abortion is a bloody murder."
And "bleed" it, like, in red paint, dripping down.
And that is my first time like, "Oh, they have to go to, like,
Michaels or Blick & apos; s or something and buy a craft.
Hobby Lobby, maybe. "
And he left:
" God hates you. "
And I like, "Do you really think God hates?" </ P>
And he went, "Yes, he hates you." </ P>
And then... Oh, I told him doodie a joke. </ P> p>
And he is like:
This is truly a great unifier.
But he is right. Abortion does kill, like, your whole day.
Literally suck life from you.
Look, I know the last two jokes. they are not smart.
They have nothing to say . They are just words.
But I love them like...
a self-aborted fetus.
Um...
Enter the pin into it.
Congratulations, Texas.
Texas is almost a third country...
uh, but then a judge puts the kibosh on it.
You must know this. I do not blame for not knowing about this law,
because we & apos; ve been...
Only cruelty after cruelty has come to us every day.
But you won't believe this. That's right.
They have a law where if you have an abortion they declare
or have a miscarriage,
You are responsible pay for funeral
for fetal tissue.
What? </ P>
Crazy. </ P>
And mean. </ P>
And I want to talk at the funeral very badly. </ P>
He died the way he lived. </ P>
The size of sesame seeds < br /> without brain function that can be distinguished.
He will be returned now to the ground...
where will he...
I do not know , eaten by cricket, maybe.
So, however, raising this fund.
This is the problem, is religious rights know that it will be a bear...
Not a religious right. I think the government is now...
knows that it will be a task to do
to cancel Roe v. Wade, to only carry out illegal abortions at once. </ P>
So, what they do is they throw it away from the side, you know.
They make small laws, laws that are not sincere, that kind of purpose is their ability
You know, uh, "Okay, uh, your clinic must have hallways
that are 18 feet wide."
Then clinics like, "We can & apos;...
We don't have... I mean, it's a fee... We can't..."
"Well, I guess you will have to be closed, then, aren't you?" </ P>
You know, that's very, uh, Boss Hogg from Dukes of Hazzard or something.
You know, like, destroying the headlights and going:
"It looks like you can & don't drive.
Anda mendapat remuk lampu depan. " Tepat seperti itu.
And breaking... Uh...
The law breeds abortion where women have to think about it.
Go home for three days and think about it .
Yes, I thought I had thought about it, fuckface.
Or, like...
Breaking the ultrasound, you know, where they put the camera into you
and make you see ultrasound. and see life in your uterus.
And... Insert the pin for a while.
Because I have other fun facts for you. You will like it.
This is true. Scientists have known this. for almost two decades. </ P>
If you believe in science. </ P>
That...
And here it is. </ P>
Sperma dapat mencium bau.
I know... I know sperm can... We all know sperm can smell.
But...
sperm cells... Shellfish by the beach.
Sarah, come on, focus.
It's a big night.
<But this is serious. Sperm cells have a sense of smell. They have a sense of smell. It is true. </ P>
And you know what that means. That means that sperm is life. </ P>
And you know what that means. </ P>
We have to validate that nonsense. </ P>
And you know what that means. </ P>
We & apos; ve gotta legislate that shit. </ P>
We have to protect the babies. </ P> >
I... I just want to save the unborn baby.
That's all I'm worried about. And this is what we will do.
Next time you feel like you will be jerked into a sport socks
or under your bathroom drain or, uh...
I don't know why, I set you as "in the stomach" of men.
That doesn't matter, though.
That doesn't matter. Whatever your jerk style,
there are no ratings here.
I'm right, right? Me? </ P>
I have a feeling.
If only that is super power that can help the world.
But...
This is what we will do. Before you masturbate,
whatever style it is...
Um... I feel like going on. Like...
You like a hands free Damn mattress. </ P>
Blinks once if... I know that!
You are entertaining me.
You guys are good.
All right. Come on, Sarah. </ P>
Before you do that, you will come to the clinic. </ P>
We will take the long, thin...
Like knitting-shaped needles GoPro cameras, basically. </ P>
This is will raise your urethra, your penis hole.
Up, up, up. Really the picture. </ P>
And then down, descends to your testicular sac. </ P>
We will bring ultrasound around,
and you will be able to really see
life in your ball. </ P>
I truly believe...
that most men won't even want to jerk after that.
Dan itu adalah hal yang indah.
Business events are very strange.
I don't know why this is when it really surprised me.
But I did an episode... A few years ago , I did the show, The Good Wife.
Okay? And it's like a legal drama. </ P>
And that's very fun. </ P>
And maybe it's because I, like it, sit and watch lots of them shoot. </ P>
You will never believe how the show business walk. This is crazy. </ P>
Like, okay. </ P>
Let's & apos; s see if I can explain this. Like... This & apos; s...
So, this scene is a big meeting room scene, right, because this is a legal drama.
<And they all talk. And all this nonsense happens in it.
So, the first shot they did, they did a big one, wide shots from all over the scene
with all the characters and everything.
They did it several times. Then they approached
and they shot, like, a tight shot where is it only, like...
You only see, like, three characters.
And when they come out of the scene, like it, in our minds, we see the whole room
because we have seen it before.
But in reality, when they took the picture, the rest of the room didn't exist; even there.
It's like, filled with, like,
and, you know, all the other crap, you know.
I don't know all the words.
A cameraman and, uh, all that crap . </ P>
So, it's like, uh, Christine Baranski will leave:
"I want the paper. on my desk Monday morning."
And she's really in her skirt suit and heels.
Christine Baranski in the ball Because she can & apos; leave it completely,
because there is so much dirt. block the way.
But he must be as low as possible
so he doesn't block the lights > for the rest of the scene,
for the actors who are still at the scene. So, he is like this. </ P>
And then Josh Charles is like:
"He is a work. I'll meet you Monday." </ P>
Everything you witness is that.
I just burp.
I am a human.
I was, uh... Three weeks ago, I was at a red light. </ P>
No, enter the pin briefly. Okay. </ P>
I took an acting class when I was 10 years old in New Hampshire. </ P>
It went together. </ P>
And, first- first of all, this acting teacher is evil.
I remember he said, like, um...
Oh, one task is, bring your favorite song
and, like, acting for it.
And then I bring my favorite song, which, like, um...
♬ Only a city man Born and raised ... ♬
"Don't stop Believin & apos;."
Sorry. </ P>
And, like, I think the acting said it. </ P>
So, I'm like:
And he goes bananas to me. </ P>
And you know, I hope at 10 I have the means to be like:
"Do you know what? He might go through something.
It belongs to him."
No. I don't know to do that when I was 10 years old. </ P>
I just assumed I was part of dirt. </ P>
But that is not a story I want to say. </ P>
So, the first day of acting class, he said this:
"Acting...
reacted."
And I like, "What does that mean?" </ P>
Like, "back"? </ P>
Saya tahu "kembali" berarti lagi.
So, I'm like, "Acting again?" </ P>
By the way...
Three weeks ago, I was at a red light. </ P>
And I like:
"Oh, react. </ P>
Right. </ P>
Oh yeah. </ P> >
I agree with that, yes. Acting is reacting. </ P>
You should say it like that. "</ P>
Latent. ..
realization. </ P>
That is the theme of this piece. when I do my specials. </ P>
Latent... Latent realization. Like...
Okay, I have to go to sleep camp...
every year since I was 6 years old. </ P>
And, uh, that's terrible for me because I'm a wet wet bed. Until I'm 15 years old. </ P>
So, that is a dream bad.
So, it was a nightmare.
I learned a lot of skills. Like complete dissociation.
Make a bed on wet sheets while I smell like pee
and pretend like that doesn't happen.
What kind of parents will send a wet wet bed to a sleeping camp?
They must be monsters. No. </ P>
They are not monsters. </ P>
Here & apos; s thing. Okay. </ P>
Like, my father...
his father beat dirt out of him every day. </ P>
And then during school year he was sent to the goyim. </ P>
To go to school. I am sorry. </ P>
To go to school. </ P>
And then in boarding school...
he gets dirt kicked out of him every day,
is called dirty kike,
because it's back when, like...
America is great. </ P>
And...
And then in... All right. </ P>
That's pretty good. </ P>
And then in summer,
he goes to camp and blooms
and is a star and, like, everything he wants.
So, parents , they just think...
<You know, he just thinks, "No, the camp is great.
This will define it. This will be his joy.
Because that is what it is you know?
So, I have to go to camp.
And as a compromise. he will give me a joke book.
Because I like jokes.
And then, too, maybe I will be friends that way.
So, I remember summer I was 8 years old
because I just learned to read when I was 7 years old. </ P>
Someone in the audience when I was in Vermont was like, "I was 4." </ P>
Damn good for you. I am 7 years old. </ P>
I learned to read when I was 7 years old. </ P>
So, I'm 8 years old, I'm excited. </ P>
I have a book. I will read. </ P>
And my father has no restrictions. </ P>
I don't know if he flipped through this at all or not. </ P.>
Um, but that Jokes Are Really Evil order one and two. </ P>
And I remember the first joke on the first page.
That is a long paragraph, but I can tell it in two seconds.
That's "Little Red Riding Hood, blah, blah, blah.
And then the big bad wolf is like, & apos; I will eat you. & apos;
And then Little Red Riding Hood & apos; s like, & apos; Eat, eat, eat. </ P>
Does anyone make love again? & Apos; "
And I like," What does this mean? "</ P>
Then when I 30 years old I like, "Oh, Jesus Christ.
That is very inappropriate."
He, uh... My father doesn't need... He has no restrictions. </ P>
He is not approp... I am not really...
He... He treats us like a bro. </ P>
Like, um, I remember one time when I was really young,
he and my mother went on a date.
And when he came home, he, like, dropped in the front room...
There, like, /> bench in the front room.
And I sat there, and I asked him how he went.
And he was like, "Oh, that is the worst.
Uh, we should be out with Sterlings,
and then only Mr. Sterling appears.
Because he said Mrs. Sterling was menstruating. </ P>
And when she got her period, it came out like a heart. </ P>
And I was like, & apos; I don't need to know that. know that. "</ P>
But my dad, um...
Tapi ayah saya, um...
The camp is where he developed.
And, like, they are still his best friends to this day.
His best friend is his friends from the camp.
And he will be 80, and they have a reunion, even.
And he has a picture of everything, uh, when they become counselors.
And that's amazing. This was from 1953. </ P>
And I said, "Dad, you have to send me this." </ P>
<And he sent it to me with, like, glossary of who everyone is
and what they are doing now. And it's like:
"This is Phil Holman. He is the judge now. </ P>
This is Arnie Goldstein. </ P>
You know, he has House of Cloth Martin & apos. </ P>
Ini Danny Gold.
Danny Gold once gave Punchy Kramer a BJ and we all watched.
This is Cy Schwartz.
He works at the Clam King.
This bah, bah, bah. He is da, da, da. </ P>
This is Morris Simon. </ P>
This is Punchy Kramer. </ P>
This, you know, blah, blah, blah. "
I'm like, " Daddy, open or close it. "
He has no sense.
So, he goes to camp all the way until he becomes a counselor.
And, uh, you know, we think of counselors. like, as adults.
But, you know, they are 16 year olds.
So, for each camper, he must fill out a form,
And that would say, like, "Does he behave?
Is he sleeping? Does he brush his teeth?
Does he go to the bathroom?"
And below it is written, "L / H."
And my father doesn't know what that means.
But he is too shy to ask anyone.
So, he only uses his logic, and he is like, "Okay.
It comes after the bathroom. so that means...
& apos; loose or hard. & apos; "
So, for the summer...
my father told the campers to pick him up...
after they get hit...
so he can see them...
and make a rough estimate...
if it's loose or hard.
That only means there & apos; s, like, generation of parents in therapy...
which is like:
"Well, I do have camp counselors. That, like , obsessed with my annoyance.
What is that...? "
You are sexually abused.
Oh, that means" house letter. "</ p >
But thank God he didn't ask.
That would be very embarrassing.
My parents divorced when I was 7 years old.
And mother I went back to campus. To get his degree.
And my sister is older.
So, I got a babysat by the nuns.
I go to, like, a nun... A monastery, I guess. </ P>
But it looks like...
Like a Victorian house or something, where the nuns are. </ P>
And they have day care. </ P>
And since then I have met extraordinary nuns. </ P>
They are not them. These are cunts. </ P>
They... They are. </ P>
They hit us. </ P>
That... I've never been hit before, you know. </ P>
And I'm very scared to them.
Like, if we don't exist & apos; Don't sleep on us, like, small mats during naps,
they will hit us.
And then, like, um, for lunch </ p >
we'll go into the forest, because it's New Hampshire,
and they give us this peanut-and-jelly jam sandwich,
and we have to eat everything, or they will hit us.
And I like peanut butter and jelly.
But this is different.
Peanut butter and jam.
And the jam...
I never experienced traffic jams before.
Like... This is different. </ P>
It has, like, pieces in it. </ P>
But we have to eat everything, or they will hit us. </ P>
I'm very scared, I...
Because I didn't know I could take a punch. at that time.
And I... Okay, wait.
Insert the pin into it.
Put the pin on it when I tell you something. </ P>
This is human behavior. That we tell ourselves horror...
</ p >
Horror stories.
Horror.
Horror stories. We say to ourselves...
I say it too often. </ P>
We tell our own horror stories. </ P>
That's just a human condition. </ P>
You know, like we go, uh. "I have to pass the crack on the road
before the car passes me, or I'll die."
It's not just you. That is everyone. </ P>
Everybody does that. </ P>
My therapist says it & apos; how do we deal with mortality. </ P>
Um, so, I'm eating peanut butter sandwich and jam this,
and I tell myself horror stories.
And the horror story is...
This jam is nuns & apos; period of blood.
But I have to eat it all. I am very afraid of being beaten.
I eat it like this.
And I devour it. I don't know what...
put it in my head that...
jam will, you know, have, like, chunky hearts like pieces in it.
Okay, I'll try to tell this story.
I almost died this summer.
I really almost die this summer.
I, um... I'm on the road.
Having a sore throat is a pain.
Don't think much about that.
The type turns cold, that kind of thing.
Uh, then I go home, and I feel the same sore throat again.
So, I went, "Ehh, I'm home. I'll go to the doctor."
What I never did.
So, I went to doctor.
And, uh, he made me wait. like it, a long time.
And I'll go, like, "Oh, fuck with this." But I stay there. </ P>
He looked at my throat, and he was like:
"We will go to the emergency room." </ P>
I have.... Like abscesses at the top...
wind pipes, which your breathing comes from.
So, um, like, this abscess is also < br /> will grow another millimeter
and stop my breath and I will die,
or it will explode,
and it is filled with poison, and that will kill me.
Um...
Don tt be scared. It & apos; s really rare. It & apos; s not going to happen to you. </ P>
Except that, I think. </ P>
But...
So, I have to go to the hospital. </ P>
And then, um, they put me down, like, a general...
Like... Some kind of medicine
just to relax me before surgery.
And, like, without my knowledge,
they told me, uh, Amy's friends and my girlfriend, Michael,
they are like, um, "This is a very dangerous operation.
He might not succeed.
You know, it's very risky." Bla, blah, blah. </ P>
Meanwhile, I feel fine. </ P>
And I like, "I'm not tall enough." </ P>
And I can tell you exactly what happened because Amy really doesn't like
to record all of this.
So... </ p >
You only see me like, "I'm not tall enough."
And then they are like, "You're fine."
And then I proved to them. That I am not tall enough,
um, by explaining Brexit. </ P>
And it's very nuanced, and I have an opinion. </ P>
That, like, is absolutely perfect. </ P>
Like, You can hear the anesthesiologist leave, like:
"Wow, he's right." </ P>
And, um...
And then, uh, you see me. likes, getting pushed out.
And then, um, like, Michael and Amy can't come with me,
likes, past the operating room door. or whatever. </ P>
So, when I left, I said to Michael... Which one do we want to do,
if the elevator door is closed or something:
"I want to see someone else."
And then...
And then the last thing you see on the video that is I looked at his cellphone
and went like, "Play this in slow motion on my death reel."
So, um...
So, then I underwent this operation.
And I stayed. And, um...
But it's really... It's a tough week
because I have very low blood pressure. I think. </ P>
And so, they can't make me sleep for that. </ P>
And so, I have to...
After the operation was carried out. they put a breathing tube into my throat.
And then because it was human nature. if you wake up
to pull something that is in your throat,
they have to tie my hand down.
So, every time I wake up,
I'll go to drag this thing. Get out of my throat.
And then I will see that my hand is tied,
and then I just think what people will think
in that situation, which one. "I have been captured by ISIS."
And it's very scary.
And then a sister must come to me aside and be like,
"Sweet, you're fine. You just had surgery.
They must have your hands... " You know, and then I will understand.
And then I will fall asleep, and one minute later I will wake up
and everything will happen again.
And it's very scary.
That is a nightmare. I don't remember...
Like , I'm awake, but I don't remember anything.
And there are some funny stories.
Like, um...
>
I will really itch.
The medicine inside me is very itchy.
But my hand is tied up.
And my sister will fight < br /> with nurses
just let one free hand so I can scratch.
like, I have an itch, like, just around the vagina.
And I... It feels... That, like, is so much relieved.
And then my friend John stands in a corner.
And I think... I don't remember this. I say this.
I pulled my hand out
and then I, like, presented it to John. </ P>
And then, next time, like, my hand was tied. </ P>
And, um...
That I served him?
And then, um... He's like:
In my mind. I do not remember. </ P>
Oh, next time...
I was told, a nurse is in the room,
and I, somehow, like it. < br /> Even though I don't have a mouth or hand,
but I, like, make it clear to him, like, it is an emergency.
I have to say something to him. And they give me paper and pencil.
And I wrote, and that is very important.
And I finally finished, and then I showed him,
and he was seen , and it just says, "Do you live with your mother?"
With a penis image.
And, I mean...
really proof that once your conscious mind is out of the way,
it's just, like, a mere comic genius.
You, we have reached the end.
>
Do you make a scene because you seem to know the word?
Thank you.
You are very vocal, but in perfect numbers .
Like, next time you want, like, like, "Yay," for me or something,
leave & apos; s do this. You can go like this:
Okay, the end. </ P>
Did I say it correctly? </ P>
Now we have to, like, take your shot:
Um, yes, because we are here. </ P>
Um... Jesus will come back. </ P>
Oh, on my back. </ P>
That's it. </ P>
That's water. He changed it to come. </ P>
How smart is that? </ P>
I don't know if there is a God & apos. </ P>
I mean, I can't imagine being there & apos; s God.
But I don't know.
You also don't know, you know?
But if there is a God, that is a God like that, like,
is really fine with murder
and, uh, child- starving children and... rotating class.
You know, all... All cruelty of life.
I take... </ p >
Great spin class,
if you like being hit in the vagina 70 times a minute.
Even if it's just an ocean...
Thank you, Steve Agee. </ P>
While only white oceans sang word-N happily. p>
That is because they play hip-hop music there. </ P>
Do I need to say that? </ P>
Oh, Geez.
Do you like it, "Is that what they did there?
Yes.
I feel...
I feel like fraud Because I feel like I talk a lot about God and Jesus and all these things,
p>
about God and Jesus and all this stuff,
and... I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'll admit it.
I haven't read the Bible .
I have tried. I have tried. </ P>
In my defense, it cannot be read. </ P>
Very boring. </ P>
Very dense. </ P>
But that's & apos; s, like, not as deep as that thought. </ P>
And it just sounds like super-annoying. Game of Thrones spec script or something. </ P>
When it returns, Game of Thrones?
- April? - June.
- June?
It was June.
Oh , My Lord. </ P>
I like it very much. </ P>
It's not perfect. </ P>
It's not perfect, though.
Like them... & apos; Cause, look, everyone uses 900 pounds of armor. </ P>
Then there's nothing from here to here. </ P>
They only have this area to breathe. </ P>
You know what is the number one cause p> Slit throat.
I just said, there & apos; sa blacksmith in past fiction that was supposed to be fired.
The application that I did Twitter with, I can, um...
I only heard so old said that.
Aplikasi yang saya lakukan Twitter dengan, Saya bisa, um...
Saya hanya terdengar begitu tua mengatakan itu.
The application I did Twitter with,
was like I could schedule a tweet. </ P>
What I like, because sometimes I will think of two, three tweets. </ P>
I don't want to damage you. </ P>
I gave them space. </ P>
Years ago now, early Twitter, practically,
I scheduled a tweet. </ P>
I scheduled it for 8:05 a night Pacific Time. </ P>
Why would I remember that? </ P>
Because at 8 pm Pacific Time...
we captured and killed Osama bin Laden. </ P>
Twitterverse is burned. </ P>
At 08.05...
I tweeted:
"Why do my dogs & doodies get cold?" </ P>
Let me remind you, I schedule the tweet.
That is how well I think that is.
And I feel a little like Peter Sellers in Being There.
Like, people put deeper into me. than I am at all.
I'm sure there are people. who saw the tweet and like:
"Do you know what? It's cold. But that is our job." </ P>
Okay, this is how I will end. </ P>
I suspect this is A pretty godless crowd. </ P>
Um, I like... I have been on the road, and I want to end by asking whether there & apos...
Now I feel like a bully because it's so godless.
Usually when I'm somewhere else country,
I'm the only godless person,
and then I don't feel like a bastard.
But is there anyone here who believes in God?
Don't like it, "I believe there is something." < br /> I mean, like, organized religion.
Like Christianity, Muslims, Jews, bah, bah, bah...
You have, like, five seconds to raise your hand, if you are close.
Yes, I don't think so.
Really?
Can you approach me? So I'm in the light?
But get on stage.
What is your religion?
Uh... I'll say I'm a Christian.
You will say you are a Christian?
There are & # 39; s, like, many different words that we can use.
I am Protestant.
I might classify myself as a Lutheran. </ P>
All right. </ P>
Okay. </ P>
What's your name, sir? </ P>
- Troy. - Hi, Troy. </ P>
- Hi. - Thank you for doing this. </ P>
It's very brave. </ P>
We are in Los Angeles. This is very godless. </ P>
I attract godless people. </ P>
So, I don't want you to feel disturbed. or something. </ P>
It's okay. I raise my hand voluntarily. </ P>
What do you say your name is? Troy? </ P>
- Troy. - Oh, alright. That is fun. </ P>
All right, Troy. </ P>
I would love to ask this question. </ P>
I am very happy there & apos; God here.
All right, you are a Christian.
- Right. - Protestant area.
This is a question...
which I think should be one of the big questions, even.
Okay.
Yes or no...
can you let God enter your mouth? </ P>
- No, no. - No? </ P>
- No. - Okay, go back to your seat. </ P>
Oh God, no. </ P>
Thank you very much .
Thank you, Troy. </ P>
No. That's amazing to me. </ P>
But it's not unique. </ P>
Not a unique answer, I will tell you that. </ P>
Saya akan mengatakan jawabannya harus ya.
Um, but I will tell you. That's because I've traveled the country,
80 percent, at least, of men say no, like Troy. </ p >
So, congratulations because it's not unique.
But it's wrong, in my opinion.
That is, uh, very narrow, I think.
You know , it's like, until now, Troy, you said, "Lord...
I know that there is AIDS and rape
and hunger and genocide and murder.
But I know you have a plan, and I am your servant.
Unless you serve come.
Then I go out. "
That's very petty.
God told Abraham to kill his son.
And you know what Abraham said?
" No problem. Chip!
I know, I don't read the Bible, but everyone knows Abraham's son & apos are Chip.
And Abraham will kill his son.
And then right before he did it, God like, "I'm joking.
Can I enter your mouth?"
Abraham & apos s like, "Is that a test my faith? "
God & apos; like, "Sure. Yes."
And then the Lord came in Abraham...
This turned into fan fiction. But God came in the mouth of Abraham.
p>
And Abraham & apos; s like:
"Wow, I really think. You will stop at the last second
like you did with murder..." Or I think he's like,
As God said, "I work in a mysterious way." </ P>
Thank you very much. </ P>
- Okay. - I am sharp as a tactic. </ P>
- Here it is. - But they only put something
intravenously. And that... And it feels like...
I'm getting taller. </ P>
Is it I'm getting taller? </ P>
It feels like...
This is no big deal, actually. </ P>
Not too intense. </ P>
I feel like I can give...
I can argue with the political side. </ P>
Mm-hm. So, tell me... Talk to me through Brexit. </ P>
Brexit is like, you know, the same person, uh...
name their children... Bentley </ p >
because they think it's classy.
They are the ones who choose Brexit.
Really don't know, innocent.
Uh... Thinking is their best interest.
p>
They choose completely against their best interests.
These things that the EU provides their lives to make them habitable.
Uh, they just overthrew it. </ P>
And they rely on the NHS, and that is a false promise. </ P>
Mm-hm. </ P>
Uh.
You know.
So, what are you going to do? There are lots of Bentleys in the world.
Many Mercedes and Porsches.
And they will become strippers.
But some of them might be Supreme Judge.
Mm-hm.
And I have hope. </ P>
We all just listen to the same thing...
For different lies.
Maybe you should...
- And he is still in sense too. - Maybe you should give him more.
I am. I don't feel very high. </ P>
No, that's right. </ P>
No, no. That is good. You are perfect. </ P>
You know... only if people are invited to talk...
This is what he is like every day.
by people who don't have an agenda
and can be honest make serious decisions
based on what they think best for themselves and the country,
we will be wild success around.
I know, right?
But we don't have it . unfortunately.
I'm not tall at all.
This object is dirt. </ P>
Well...
They will roll me to the ER
and make me sleep for a few days with a breathing tube. </ P>
Some types of new diets.
Is that what you expect when you wake up?
It doesn't know what. I hope.
- Okay. - See you later. I love you so much. </ P>
- I love you. - See you later. </ P>
See you on the other side. </ P>
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