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I, like, "Do you know what? If you will make love to me,
I will kill you."
But then the person is like, "I don't know if I can handle it."
And I'm like, "Of course you can't! Nothing can overcome the heat!"
You know I bring heat.
Buddy, it's broken glass, so don't touch it
Yes... no, don't walk with your shoes off.
Good.
All right, buddy, I have to go. Tonight is a big event.
Good. I love you. Well, goodbye.
OK.
So I killed that person. I killed him.
And that person is a theater owner too, right?
Yes, that person is the owner of the theater. He is the owner of the theater.
Now he's dead.
What, did you get Zika?
Hey. Bob. Theater owner You can start the show whenever you are ready.
Many people hear electricity.
Yes! Why not?
Well, I believe you to know where the stage is.
Obviously we know how to get to the stage!
Jesus Christ!
Applause.
Ah.
Yes!
Let's party!
What
Ahh.
Yes!
Oh my God. Rory! Can I get your signature?
Yes... no!
Go away from me!
I'm sorry.
Oh, God, you are so cool.
Yes!
Not damn.
Mike! Let's go.
See that?
Remember that.
Rory. Rory.
Hey, good night, Mr. Scovel.
Rory. Rory. Rory. Rory.
What did you just say to me?
Just say good luck.
Yes.
I don't need your luck, buddy.
- I love you. - Me, too.
Now I have to release some of his penis.
Rory! Rory!
Yes!
What
Yes!
What is Yes!
Whoo-hoo!
What happened? What happened?
Gilbert will immediately take you to the stage.
What... Hey, Scott, wait a minute.
- What should I do when I leave? - I don't know We will find out.
Okay, the next person is a comic.
Uh, everyone gave it to...
Cory Scravin!
Thank you.
Thank you!
Thank you, Atlanta!
Thank you!
Thank you, Atlanta.
Thank you, & Los; Lanta.
I did research. I know the nickname.
Thank you very much, & apos; lantern, come out tonight
Come to & apos; Lanta. Exit to see the show Thank you very much.
Let's enter it. Anal. Who did it
Who does anal? Who is here doing anal?
This is the program. Who has...
Previously it felt like, "Wait, yes, is this the show?"
This is the program. This is the program.
Anal. Who does anal?
But, like, anal. Anal, though.
Anal.
Who has done anal?
I have one joke, and I was halfway past it.
This... here it is
I kind of reversed the situation of Louis CK.
I wrote a new joke a year.
And this is actually a three year old joke.
So, it must be a pretty good special.
You make good choices, watch. Thank you for coming here.
Ah, anal We are still... It's still... Anal.
Anal. Anal.
Does it sell it if it's my body posture?
Anal!
Who does anal?
I am a brattiest comic on the circuit!
Who does anal?
"Butt-fuck." Does that help
Does that help? Butt-fuck.
Some people... "Oh, butt-fuck Okay, yes.
Good. Anal? What?
Butt-fuck. That's my speed. "
That's more my style!
To be honest, it's more my style.
I'm butt-fuck!
Want to know something about me? I am butt... "
You have to say" butt-fuck " with an accent
If you say it without accent, You sound like a damn serial killer.
" Have you ever been kidding?
"My God.
Karen, put your hand!
This is a clear trap.
This is a death trap."
"Well, I don't know.
I've never been to one of these things."
"Yeah, whatever, Butt-fuck!"
Isn't that... This is kinda... Immediately You are like, "Oh, that's not too bad."
"Have you ever fallen in love?" "Hey, this is the guy from the gas station!
Answer the question."
"I just want to know if you ever butt-fucked before!
Come now too!
Without lead, fill it? You understand
You've been bored-fucked?
" Hi, I want to fill it. I'm above pump ten.
I have to tell you, that one employee, He is a kind of life.
What is that? Is it not an employee? I will be right back.
No, this is to me. There are many red flags, and I... I should...
I should set it. Should be set. "
" Have you ever been kidding?
Butt-fuck! "
My wife and I try anal sex once, and...
Shut your mouth!
Shut up!
I've asked if you did it. No one says bad luck.
And now I have to talk throughout the show.
This job sucks.
At the moment some people like, "Maybe he only has one joke.
Where we think he's acting funny."
A twist on tonight's show is honesty.
Hmm.
My wife and I try anal sex once, and I don't like it,
and for some reason I feel like that makes me a gentleman.
Huh? It's so cool, honey. We don't have to go that way anymore.
God knows you hate it. All tears
If your wife cries during sex,
he says something to you
Check in Do you know what I mean? Check-in.
"Are you okay?" Only one of them.
"Hey, everything's cool? What's going on?
Got a little misty here. It's not me..."
Also, talk like that. It's a big turn for women.
"Hey, just a short question!
What happens with tears?"
Be it... Be happy.
"Hey!
What's the problem with tears?
Let's go back there!"
Where do I lose some people?
Visualization of my wife crying during anal sex?
Is that where some people like, "Do you know what?
No, come out next. We will take the next exit.
I'm not here for this."
If you have tried it, that's one thing. Good. You tried it
Have you ever tried to try it? Do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I'm talking about?
That means you will try it, and then you stop and you like,
"I can't do this.
Who do I think I am?
Just because I see it in all laptop movies.
That doesn't mean I know what I'm doing."
This is difficult. It's like trying to get lime into a corona.
Your first thought is always, "Who cut this?
Don't they know What will I do with this?"
That will go away. That will go away.
Know what I mean? That will go away.
Like, it will go away. You have to want it
You have to want a few things.
This will go away if you want it bad enough.
Yes, my jacket has a problem for many people
I'm not stupid. I caused this problem. I know what happened.
I don't need to see it.
That's how much my cock is. I know that you have to see it.
Oh, so many people are like, "Ahh! Unzip it!
Unzip it! Or buy your size!
You know what I mean? You're fucking...
How bad do you have to adjust yourself? Your age is 36. Dreams are over. "
This? Oh, shit... that shirt?
Shirt that flap That is the worst part of all.
Along the way. That extra only...
Hi! I'm a flap shirt!
Oh, that's the cringeworthy part there.
Oh my God.
Some people like, "Tuck it in."
I can't
I slipped it, it looks like I'm disguised the police who train the Little League
"Take two, Kev! Kev, take two!
Kev, you have to go down. You have to slide, Kevin
Your father is bad!
We play together. You will never be a pro. "
He is hard on the players.
"You will never fucking go pro, man.
You don't know how to fucking slide?
I will return to my rest area in a minute. I want to talk to your team.
You are bad
We have seven of you in my team.
Yes, you hear me? We have seven of you.
Some of you might go pro.
Not you, Kev.
What are you saying What did you say to me, Kevin?
I'm a damn cop
This is my cover.
My cover aggressively trains the Little League. "
I've done shows once... I've done shows where I wear a hoodie,
and I pull a rope on one side up to my knee,
and I leave a little on this side.
People don't even see the program.
Anger in their eyes...
It's like, "No!
We are paid to be here!
Fix it! "
I just twirled it. " So, I'm married. "
Like, whipping.
" Marriage is fun. "
Oh, what does it do? What happens to some people?
Does that help someone? Does that help
Do anyone like it, "I don't like it,
but if you go a little deeper I'm fine with that"
Just leave it like that a little.
I can't even use a pocket.
Hi! Yes. Table for one.
Yes, table... M-Me again.
I am again. Table for one.
I am "yoush."
Put me in my "yoush", one of my top places.
It's even uncomfortable to use pocket
Hi!
In three years Kanye & apos; s will find this jacket,
and then everyone will be like, "Oh, now I like it."
You laugh at me now, but then you respect him three...
"Now I think it's cool."
Bullshit I set the trend. Look at this crap.
"Oh, remember? Remember Kanye, He has that new jacket.
Remember we saw the comic. He wears his jacket like that first."
"No, I don't... I don't remember."
"You don't remember? He killed himself two days later."
You don't remember that
He says if we don't laugh at every joke, he will commit suicide
And that's the only joke He isn't kidding.
Remember he has a suicide note in calligraphy,
So you know he wants to do it.
It might take two weeks to write it down. He thought about it. "
My suicide note will only be lyrics to" Thong Song ". People will find my body. They are like," Oh, my God! "" Thong, thongong thong-thong. "
"Hmm, why are there so many Sisqó on the way out?"
If you think of suicide,
and see what all jazz is about!
We are all curious.
We will not do it.
"What if I accidentally commit suicide?"
But if you already want to die, try it.
What if it's amazing?
"Suicide saves my life."
Come this fall to CBS.
Suicide Saves...
I love... I like it when... I like it When people bend too precisely.
It's very dirty.
Just bow Be like, "Alright, thank you."
No, but you are right to applaud there
Everyone watching at home, I assume You also gave me a big round of applause.
No, many people don't give me standing Feelings of joy, but at home are easier to do.
"Honey, should I stop it?" "No, I think I understand.
I think I get most of what he does."
Remember, like, ten years ago someone would like,
"I saw a documentary," and we will all be like, "Nerd!"
Now if someone likes, "I saw a documentary,"
It's like, "Of course you do it. How else can you stay socially social? than maybe continue. "
Do you see that O.J. documentary?
How do more people not see it?
That's amazing.
One of his friends he grew up with, with a hoarse voice?
Know who I'm talking about That dude...
"O.J...
Growin & apos; up...
O.J. always kill people.
I like, & apos; O.J., You can't be killed? & Apos;"
His voi... What did he do to... Why? Why...
"O.J."
His whole life is like his friends, "I don't... You have to talk."
"OJ!
I don't think OJ killed Nicole
I think he killed Ron Goldman.
And then Nicole accidentally committed suicide.
Like, he has the most shittiest theory.
= = "I mean, I think Nicole and Ron...
kill O.J.,
and then both of them,
"manifest what we now know as O.J."
Documentator is like, "I can't use this recording.
I can't use all of this. Where did you get that?"
"I don't... I don't know.
I've never seen it, 35 years ago.
I don't think we even need some of these documentaries.
Like, Planet Earth and Life.
Like who is optimistic about our intelligence... as a person?
Like, we haven't arrived yet.
I don't need to learn about species on the sea floor
I will never interact with him.
Let's pull back.
Let's do some documentaries about some simple nonsense. Do you know what I mean?
How does this microphone work? None of us know.
None of us ever knew.
Our whole life since we were little... "It's a sound booming machine."
If someone asks me, "How do you think it works?" I will,
"Well, I think the sound is rather floating above the metal cage.
Then the metal cage is like, & apos; Come in here! Blaaaaah!
That's my best guess.
I am 36
My best guess is something that a child will do just chatter from above their heads,
for the first time Think about it.
"I don't know, I think it's just... Blu-Blah-Blu-Aaaah!"
Like, okay Well, you go forward, or you go to the wrong path
Oh, concrete?
Sorry to turn this into a TED conversation.
What is this concrete? Do you know what I mean?
Like nonsense, it's hard forever?
This is hard forever.
Alright, Illuminati.
Good. Good.
"Good luck transporting me in a normal truck That won't work.
You have to put me in a cart Truck that is always moving.
I really care. I am concrete."
You can ask people who work concretely, "How does it work?"
"Do you know what? I'm not even...
Only, like, it's stuffy liquid,
and then only all buildings, you know.
This is really all the buildings. "
You once asked a friend how does the record player work?
Like," Well, the needle reaches sou... "
" Nothing?
Fuckin & apos; listen to yourself!
& apos; Needles reach sound & apos ;?
What does that mean? "
" Well, there are grooves in vinyl, and nee... "
" What happens in the groove
the needle that is realized and struck?
What physical thing is going on in that case... "
The show is over. The show ends.
Turn off fake cameras. We don't need them.
We will only shout and get to the bottom of the item now.
Ultimate Frisbee. It's still ongoing.
Have you ever watched Ultimate Frisbee?
What is said about you?
What do you see?
See someone in defense, like, "Don't waste the Frisbee!"
Someone is offended, like, "I have to, Jason! Get out of the way!
Jason, get away!
The game is throwing out the Frisbee."
Every time someone asks me To get rid of the Frisbee, I say yes.
And then my brain is like, "Dude, you don't know what you're doing."
I think you are great at Frisbee or you are all like me,
where for each throw you like,
"Oh, please, God, just go.
Somewhat close to that person
Sorry!"
You shout "forgive me" super fast. "Sorry!"
Right before you release it. "Sorry! There!"
Have you ever gone to get rid of Frisbee and that was immediately sideways?
Can't have a return time.
Just go to throw it and you like, "No!
Fuck
That's not me!
That's not me."
Have you ever seen someone Throw a Frisbee like this?
No one was fired by a Frisbee, friend.
Put it.
There is nothing wrong with your classics Style discs in the 1950s.
Many children are conceived That night of throwing is witnessed.
"Oh, look at this person throwing it away." "Neil, go far!"
"Ooh, great angel follow-up."
"Hey, what are you women? go to tonight It's there!"
"Did you see the person throwing the Frisbee?
Ooh. I hope I get a chance later to suck his penis a little.
Anyone who innovates passes the Frisbee at that level,
that type of penis I like to suck a little.
If I get the opportunity.
There will be a line, I'm sure. "
Good.
I know the guy you have to meet here.
You can laugh, this person has this l...
Will you watch it if this is my set? " Anyways...
What else happened?
Eh, there's more, have you ever had a meatball sub? "
All right, all right, alright.
Let's get this...
Let's turn on the camera. Let's do it.
I usually like to run 20, 30 minutes to an hour,
and then I want to actually record it.
I will do some type selection jokes for all of you, if that...
I know...
I know people...
I know people, wherever you are watch this, whenever you like,
"Wait, the election has happened. We already know the results."
Guess what. Everyone in this room, we don't know.
So look at us. See how happy it used to be.
We were very happy.
Then everything falls apart.
I, personally, I'm very happy,
because this election is about inspiration
When Barack Obama was elected, He was the first black president.
That inspires.
If Hillary Clinton wins this election, she is the first female president.
That inspires.
If Donald Trump wins this election, that Inspires the average Joes like me.
I'm not walking around, assuming I have had the opportunity in the presidency.
But now like, I don't know. He did it, you know?
What is that? I filled out the
Do I send recordings? How do I start the process?
You also have to be optimistic.
I mean, if he wins, we all I will die at the same time.
That's a special that you can't buy.
You were born at that time or you don't.
That is a dinosaur, and now we are.
That's amazing
That's so cool.
What are the ways to go. Do you know what I mean?
Like, now if you die like you, "But all my friends are still alive!
Ah, everyone will eat! "
Come on... let's go... Let's admit something right now.
You know it's the most adrenaline we get to this age
" Hey, we'll go to dinner. " "What, can I go too?"
"Wine bottles for the dining table? We parachute without parachute now. "
I want to be socially for this conversation,
But I do math all the time.
How do we split this bill?
Does Kathy throw? Is she in? here in my 20s? Anyone in their 20s?
Yes!
Get some whoo and a few pats.
Soak it up. Have fun. become a dick.
I said you have something right now and you need to hug him.
I know you're like, "I went out, I fucking & apos; it stays out very late.
I live outside until like 3:00 or 4:00. I'm fucking... I turned it off.
= = I turn it off.
I do a lot of shots.
Oh, you have to see me.
I do so much fucking & apos; shot.
All shots I do.
So many, I can't even stop.
I force them on others.
You do one with me. You have to!
We have to do it together.
And I hope it feels ugly so we can see who can handle it as well as possible. "
Shots are the only thing, when feels like rubbish, everyone is like,
"Well, that's really a drink."
If the food is like that, you will not eat the food.
"Do you know what? If it feels like rubbish, that's how you know it's good."
"I just shot, and it feels like just like apple pie."
"That's because you're a fucking girl."
Who doesn't want to drink apple pie?
Yes, when you are 30 years and over, oh, it's over
This is not your choice.
You think you can continue to do it, but you can't
Your body starts to get involved.
Your body is like, "What is that? Want to eat a piece of pizza at 2:00 am
All right.
Good.
Good luck. Good luck.
Good luck, dude
Good luck.
I hope you are ready to wake up at 3.45 scorched earth damn up here
Yes, go get your Tums. Go get your Tummies.
Go get your Tums.
& apos; I need my Tums! & apos; "
When you are in your 20s and you have a hangover, you like,
" God, I need Advil and water. "
In my 30s, that's how throws an arrow into the tank.
And you only have three drinks.
One of them is not even alcohol. But is soda, and I've been doing it for a long time.
Well, if anyone tells you
You can exit and leave it to the end you want
and drink free every night
or pay $ 20 to sleep at 8:00 a night,
You will decrease $ 40 just to make sure it will happen.
You will like, "There are doubles, don't fuckin & apos; fuck me for this, man. our jammies.
At 8:00 to roll around I want almost to be there You know what I mean?
I get parents now. Like, I understand.
Growing up, I don't understand my grandparents.
I don't understand. Now I understand.
"We have dinner at 4.30."
"Why not?"
Dinner at 4.30. Bed at 6:00. Until 2:00 a.m. See the world!
See the whole world That is the only way you will do it.
The only way you will do it will wake up at 2:00 a.m.
Because when you wake up at 2:00... Yes!
My grandfather will be on the terrace to catch the morning paper
and then shout, "Why did I wait half an hour?"
That explorer.
Look, what I want to say is,
If we all die at the same time,
It's like no one died.
If Trump wins this election, you, we will all live forever
And the sad thing is, maybe so a real slogan that you heard before November.
"Make a vote for me, everyone lives forever." Like, "What?
And rest will last longer?
This person knows something we all don't know
I like that."
If I can do it my way, I will say it get another Kenyan for four more years.
Do you know what I mean?
Yes. Hah.
Some people like, "That's where jokes stop and the manifesto starts."
Also, people clap with that joke, This is a kind of mixed signal.
This is like, do you think he is not an American citizen?
Do you agree with my sarcasm,
or are you not interpreting my sarcasm?
"Yes! Get another Kenyan!"
I know Barack Obama is a US citizen.
Many people don't think of him. One of them may be the president.
So if you are not afraid now, Think about it.
I kind of imagined that he was not a US citizen
Becoming the first _ black president in this country,
with nonsense that this country has gone through,
and current racial tensions in this country,
to become the first black president, is extraordinary.
But above that, to not even become a US citizen?
What?
I'm sorry. What?
That's shocking!
That's your job until you don't want it anymore.
If he really is not a US citizen, that's Like, "You have us, so it's yours.
Obviously we don't qualify to do it. If he really is not a US citizen, you can imagine
number one night with Michelle in the White House?
He is like, "Can you fucking believe this nonsense?"
I'm just kidding! I am just kidding.
I never thought of this far.
I really never thought would go so far
Michelle likes, "What are we going to do? What are we going to do?
Just go make an announcement... Just joke... and we will get out of here."
"Okay, okay, okay, okay. Relax."
If you know it is an actual scene occurs in the White House you will,
"Let's give them 12 years.
They are adorable? Twelve years."
I would be happy if, on his last day, he just came out and he was like,
"I have to be clean about something with you
I am not even a US citizen."
Are not we all, even if you hate it,
will be like, "Release, Barack! What? look into it.
You are really the only president We have seen it. "
There is nothing racist about it. Let's keep moving, you know?
Scoop it under the carpet.
There are no side effects. You know
If you think it's very easy, you do that
That's my declaration for everyone.
If you think it's very easy for fuckin & apos; pull it off,
You go to another country and you can get as far as the president.
You won't even get as far as a lawyer Because none of us know what that is.
We never knew.
Every time you enter the voter booth, you like, "Lawyer?
All right. Who has a cool name?
I don't know."
You don't know what the lawyer is doing. You also don't know what the mayor is.
You think you are growing up. You like, "A mayor runs the city.
I see it in Richard Scarry's book."
Then Marion Barry was caught smoking in the 90s
People like, "What? But he's the mayor!"
Then Rob Ford in Toronto, he was caught smoking a crack.
Maybe we, as people, need to retreat
and ask yourself, "Is the mayor smoking?"
They can all smoke. We don't know.
We don't know what they are doing.
We don't know. That's what they do.
These two people happened to be caught.
You know how not everyone In this room there is a DUI,
but we all qualify for one?
This is like that, except cracks.
And that is the elected government official.
Otherwise, it's the same thing.
That's what they do.
They walk around smoking cracks,
bring their big scissors
You can't find scissors anywhere.
That is the biggest evil of all.
Where did you get the item?
Some of you like, "Look at Etsy." I did it.
That's the only research I did in this whole show.
I can just googled "lawyer."
I don't care.
Take me to gold scissors.
Here, cut the ribbon with these normal scissors.
No!
That won't work.
They will never be able to pass this Silk.
I need my giant scissors if we ever will open a skate park parking lot.
I also don't know What a preservation park skate,
but it's fun to say, and people laugh, and that's really what it's all about.
Republican Gay What do they know we don't know?
I mean...
is there something I can read online? to get stuck?
It's like I'm trying to support you, but are you even trying to support you?
"Yes, I realize I am affiliated with myself with political parties
who doesn't believe that I deserve it to breathe the same air as others.
And many of them, if they know they can get away with it,
might try and kill me
But you want to know something?
My core, I am fiscal conservative. "
You've been in your backyard at night, and you just saw that endless sky
and you just want to know what that means?
Here we are, on the rock, floating in space.
Whatever this is even.
We don't even know how we got here. We don't know where we are going.
We don't even know what is our existence
see the stars up there, and they aren't even there.
It's just that we finally see light from the stars
And just something like that is so mind blowing,
You just want to shout to the sky...
"Do we spend too much?"
You know Larger questions in life.
We will be back soon after this message.
Jack White, you're a revolutionary artist.
You are known for doing many of the first experiences in many different fields.
Rory, you have never done a stand-up before.
I have never, ever done a stand-up.
Rory, let me handle this.
Jack has it.
Rory has never, ever done a stand-up in his life
Throughout the year, every time I've watched stand-up comedians
or appearance late at night
from people who have trained their material, written, researched,
doing road work, paying their fees.
- Professionalism - We have seen that
What about guys who doesn't know what he is doing,
completely out of its elements, is less interesting,
maybe not so funny...
What is it like?
Rory, why did you enter this interview? right in the middle of your favorite?
Well, Ben, as a complete amateur, stand-up first timer,
Actually I don't have much material.
Enough, actually.
So I think, we will sketch and put it in the middle.
That will take some time.
Jack comes out. So that's a cool thing, I think.
Plus...
Pl...
Plus...
Um...
No, wait It's actually my last thought.
Happy Happy.
Ecstatic!
Good. Can you move a little?
Yes, yes. Just launch?
- too close Is that adequate... - Sure.
But the problem is, If you are excited,
when you go into it...
Actually, I will move you more.
Come here
So you wonder, where's the idea going Come if I have a lot of this energy,
Am I happy?
Because I just got to know the whole process...
Can you pause? Is there another sofa that we can carry?
This is a new area, something I have never done before
And so, I... one word, happy.
What is this?
This is a small batch of Kentucky.
I bring it for all our guests.
This is a good and special way to end.
- That's right you Thank you. - Cheers.
- Yes, cheers - Happy to share with you
The smell is really great from this far.
Ooh.
Maybe fun, maybe you can do it some jokes now for everyone.
- What am I? - You have to do it
Okay, yes. Right here in the studio?
Yes, right here for the audience.
What's the best What's up here on the sofa?
I will stand up. This is called stand-up comedy.
Yes, okay.
- What if...? - Right.
- Is this...? - How is it possible here?
Yes, okay. Yes, yes.
- A little... - Flying is, obviously...
No, a little further for a moment. I don't mean to cut you.
When you get to the airport...
- I will go further. - Good.
You get a lot of shadows.
- You get there, and TSA, they are like... - No no. Some more
A few more legs. A little bit more.
Next exit. Good.
And then you are already nervous to fly.
And one more leg.
- Some bits. - And that's it.
When will TSA finally realize that we all know the shoes?
Do you know what I mean?
You arrive at the airport, they tell you to take off your shoes
It's like, "Who doesn't know now?"
Is someone heading to the airport, what is it like?
I have to take off my shoes? "
If that happens, arrest and kill that person.
They may not be terrorists, but they hold the phone.
And what is terrorism at the local level? ?
Hold the phone? We don't need those people.
"When did this start?" "Kill him!" And I'm too far back. "Kill him!
In front of everyone! Everyone is watching!
Everyone. No, baby, everyone is watching.
Everyone. Everyone is watching.
Never be like that. "
This is a damn high pressure situation
when you start trading with security
No one is dressed and takes off clothes When moving sideways at home,
but damn if not an Olympian when you get there
Speed up!
People cry, like, "I just want to see my family again!
Am I allowed to leave my pullover?
Oh my God! I forgot to put my wallet in the trash!
What will happen? "
There is no wallet
This is very bad.
Like when you match everyone and you will pass zigzag,
yes, you have the time of your life
When you touch a trash can, you are in the Octagon.
There is no friend of yours There are no friends.
They determine your time. Once you touch the bin, leave!
"That's as fast as you can?
How many garbage bins do you need?
Laptops and iPads? Where do you go?
Then you have to pass it the damn machine.
What is that?
Why do we do it? What is that?
If you ask TSA, "What is this even?"
They are like, "Well, show us where Freckles sweat,
and then we overcome them."
Next time you are at the airport and you enter the Stargate machine,
Look at people on the other side and be like,
"I think Los Angeles, 1984, please."
"Sir, please come out."
"Oh, how long did I go?"
Do all that "Sir, you can come out."
"How long have I gone?
Where am I?"
"Very funny, sir. Please go, ride your flight.
"I thought I was sent from the future to kill a boy."
"Sir, please take your bag. Come on your flight.
Ma & apos; am, go here!
Why are you trying to feed the baby?"
Anyways, it's my airport cruise.
If you think of White Jesus, you are not permitted to have opinions about gun control Not everyone will agree.
We know now, more than before, Education is expensive.
Also some people in the crowd like, "But White Jesus."
And you do your best.
I want to live like that.
I can't
I have to be here. I have to look into it.
What I say is, if you want real change,
You must limit some people's ability to choose.
I know.
That doesn't sound progressive.
Not genocide.
People hate genocide.
Why?
Because it's used to cringe
every time it's used throughout history?
That's not necessarily Make it a bad thing.
If I tell you tomorrow
that we will collect all racists, homophobia
and kill them,
You tell me all smart people won't be like...
"Okay, damn, we haven't tried that version
That might really have an impact."
Maybe it's not based on skin color or religion.
Maybe it's just that, "Who is the dick? Bring him out Bring him out of here."
Lump denial of global warming. Let's clean the house.
You understand. You are hip. You are cool. You understand.
I'm one of those people who don't believe in global warming but I'm sure Noah's is a true story
Where the person warns everyone about crazy weather changes,
and everyone like, "Shut your mouth, Noah.
Stop all the wood so you can go and make love with the animals. .
Looks like you are building sort of sex ship out there. = People make love & apos; We don't know you
People chattin & apos;
You are like a thousand.
There are no other thousand people. "
On the topic of weapons, Not everyone here likes weapons.
Not everyone here hates weapons.
Maybe some weapons should not be available.
all weapons are currently available.
And some people collect weapons.
And some people pick flowers, hope everything will disappear someday.
I guarantee, it won't disappear.
You have been led to believe at a certain point, it will be us versus them. We just don't know who they are. become fucking & apos; bloodshed.
So while weapons are currently available...
consider having a few around.
You know, for when the dirt hit the fan.
You don't want people to break in at your house
and you like, "I have a ton of steak knives!"
I told my wife, "I think we should take a gun."
He is like, "Why do we need a gun?"
I like, "I don't know, maybe I want water in ten years."
I want to live for today like everyone else,
but I have to live for tomorrow a little.
Do you know what I mean? Look down the road.
Look at Jalan Fury, you guys.
Does anyone see the documentary?
Has anyone seen it? "I think it's a movie." Do you?
"O.J. hating water, he hates water."
We will come out, and I will like, "O.J.
Need water."
I will say this I don't do shows Because I annoy them.
But I promise, this one is pretty close
This is close enough. When you finally watch the documentary, you, "Oh, my God. Do you know what?
O.J.
I don't like how some people react when glass breaks
Have you seen these people?
What if this is my entire show? "Have you seen these people?"
Glass breaks, like them, "Nobody touches it!"
Shut up.
This isn't anyone's first broken glass rodeo.
No one ran like, "This, let me reap a lot of fractions
with my bare forearm.
Put all the pieces in my mouth until I find a trash can at some point.
No, put it broken glass into my mouth
"Nothing goes with your shoes."
Are you sure
When I hear glass breaking, I immediately throw my swimsuit.
Is that for nothing ?
Where is the glass? Yay!
Get this "save the date" for people's weddings
You know what I'm talking about "Save the date."
When did this start? Why did this start?
Why does someone like, "Do you know what? Before invitation,
let's send our friend & apos; save the date, & apos;
to say, & apos; Psst! Head up.
Invitation on the road.
You are the one chosen.
Right. Identical information on both sheets of paper.
Except those that save dates,
You will get cool ones, photos that are not safe from both of us
That's a magnet. Put it in the refrigerator.
Decorate your home with our faces. & apos; "
You see the photos, You are like," Oh, damn it.
I can't go to this. "
They only see you like, " This is love, right?
We are in a field in the middle of nowhere, standing next to an empty warehouse.
Come to our wedding.
Look at us We scoop back while standing,
laugh about something one of us grew up.
Be at our wedding!
Look, we're on the dock in the middle of the lake.
We don't even live near the lake. How do we get there?
Love!
Love took us that day to get honest photos of it
We don't even know photographers are there
We always stand like that. "
In addition, the photos, That is not the dude idea.
If you get it" save the date, " and it's like your friend, you like,
what is this?
Dude never, "Do you know what?
Let's take one where our forehead touch and our eyes are closed.
You know, like backups.
As a backup, if we don't use existing ones where I bare shirt on a horse
You know. "
If you want to invite me to your wedding, send me a sheet of paper
Loose leaves are perfect.
Scribbling with crayons. Save the money.
Just send me a piece of paper It has a wedding date
and tell me whether you will drink alcohol at reception or not
Because if you don't serve alcohol
at your wedding reception,
show some balls and place it on the invitation.
Find out in a difficult way how many friends and family you...
really give a fuck about your marriage.
You can get to the reception... "Yeah, I want to drink beer."
"Oh, we don't drink alcohol."
"Then what is that? Do I just sit?
Playing bad luck?"
That is marriage.
Marriage is a bad game.
The only people who like to be in it, like all dramas
Everyone is in the audience like,
"Twenty minutes away, we start to mess!"
"Not at our wedding!
We invite Jesus."
I'm at a wedding. It is a non-alcoholic reception.
I like, "I hope they get diarrhea on honeymoon."
That's not a very good thing to say. I like, "really?
I will say I hope they die tonight."
Nothing made me on the dance floor like an old pint of sweet tea!
I like being present at this time, I am fully aware that I am not a good dancer.
Sweet tea reminds me every step.
I have used Fleshlight before.
Guys, don't be like that
Don't be like that.
I was at a show, held a festival in Texas
They give all gifts a gift bag.
In the gift bag there is free Fleshlight.
I don't know If they give us that as a joke.
I don't think of it as one.
I pulled myself aside...
and immediately reprioritized my whole afternoon
I said, "Rory, we missed lunch before. Don't kill us right away.
It won't kill us now."
"Fuck this!" loudly in the hotel lobby.
"I have to get my dick out!
I have to do it!"
Some women in this crowd, you are like, "I think it's dirty he uses Fleshlight."
Some women don't care. Some women Still think I say "flashlight."
Now you know who you are.
So do the people around you.
"Well, then what is that?" "I don't know.
Dude fucking loves 9/11. I don't know
I don't know."
If you are a man here, and you think it's dirty that I have used Fleshlight,
You need to see the facts.
You are in a city that you don't live in,
in your own hotel room
Someone gives you Fleshlight for free.
You can go alone
if you think You will not go alone.
You immediately go to go make love yourself
because you have to know
What is it like?
I know some people are here, "Oh, I don't need sex toys."
Grow.
If you are on the sidewalk right now and someone pulls Ferrari
and like, "Enter," you won't do it be like, "But I already have a car."
No. You will enter.
And you will find a difficult way This is Kia Rio in disguise.
This is how it works.
Whoo, this joke is two parters.
You have to take fake and chewy pussy...
out of the flashlight casing
and put it in warm water
for five minutes
Never in your whole life
Will you feel more ridiculous
Stand in the hotel bathroom...
naked, because you are ready
You are ready. You don't know You don't know what will happen.
Get ready. Bare. Ready.
Standing on the sink
like a child who just dropped one of them Dinosaur sponge pills into the water.
Can't wait for my pussy to be ready!
I like going on the road! Bringing the best of me!
When you do that in the hotel bathroom,
there is one other person there with you,
And he has a question.
Rory, how do we get here?
How do we get to this point?
You are married.
Surely your wife knows someone You can sleep with.
Not many people have laughed at that part
He certainly wants it I will stop saying it.
But now we have this camera.
Can't go back now.
It's out there.
I think what life really is about...
Now actually... And action. Now the special has begun. Action.
I think what life really is about...
is realizing that we are all layered
that we have put there for several reasons.
For protection. Whatever the reason.
The only way you will know who you really are
and expose your true self to others
is to get rid of the layer.
And you see some people Get rid of that layer at a young age.
You see they have a very happy life.
Then you see some people your age who haven't deleted one layer
You are like, "Ooh."
That's the layer that I deleted that day.
I found...
that I'm a man
who will fuck anything you have
What have you got there, a stack of inanimate objects?
Cool if I put my cock in it?
I'm one of those people.
I will make fake love, if you have it.
Don't act like You don't know what it is.
Nobody can clean up their pop-ups quickly.
Don't say you have it, But you know what's on the market.
There are no legs, no torso. It's just a donkey who has sex with you.
Yes, this performance is very surprising.
I hope that the point is that person urinate for another hour.
"Why are you still watching this?" "You missed a lot of other things.
He hates women."
I saw one of those fake donkeys for around five...
Shut up, friend. Not now.
Not until the end. Don't leave me
The door lock Are they locked? So all the doors are locked.
I saw one of those things for five minutes
I like, "Do you know what? If no one will know,
Then, yes, I will have sex with him.
I will be jolted too." Fellas, am I right?
End of the smallest choreography.
OK. Only me. Only me.
I think we will all stand and enter it, but...
Woman, I don't know If you know this about men...
but when we are 20 and our brain is, "Jerk off now,"
We are like, "You understand, you understand."
When we are in our 30s and our brain is, "Jerk off now,"
I promise, we are all like,
"When does this stop?
I don't want to do this nonsense anymore.
It's been 20 years bad.
I've never liked it for ten years. .
Stay away from me...
and stay away from my family. "
My question is, If you buy one of those fake donkeys...
where do you even save it?
"I keep me under the bed."
Are you crazy
I prefer my child to find it a gun loaded at home.
Much less awkward than the day my child came to the kitchen,
"Dad, what's this?"
You guys, thank you very much. I really appreciate that.
Thank you. Thank you friend.
Thank you very much.
Rory! Rory! Rory!
Ror...
Oh, this is fantas... Guys! This is the best.
Do you do this at the end of each show?
- Take him there - You are the best.
No, don't throw me in the trash!
- It's sucked. - Hey!
- He is better than Todd Glass. - Who?
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