Hello, hello.
Hi there. I'm Alexis. Let's take charge of your total bodycare plan.
Hello Alexis, I'm trying to reach welltrix healthcare.
Okay, Bruce. Is this about your recent diagnoses with anal fissures?
Jesus. Yes.
Hi, I'm Alexis. Is Jesus a member of your family plan?
I need to cancel policy number 84276.
Anything we can do to change your mind, Elaine?
Elaine was my mother. She is no longer with us.
I just need to cancel the policy, please.
Tell me why you decided to bail?
For example, I'm moving.
She died.
I think you said, "she"
I can only discuss cancellation with the policy holder.
I am the policy holder.
Hey, Elaine. Could you tell us why you decided to bail?
I died. That's why I want to cancel. I died.
I'm sorry. Terminating the policy requires me...
I'm sorry... I'm sorry...
- Welcome back! Hi! - Honey...
- Hey. - Hey.
- Can I push the button? - Yeah.
I love your charts.
It's so pretty.
We launch today.
- Joe, you don't need to worry. - I can't help it.
Hey, it's going to be great.
- Okay? - Mm-hmm.
See you tonight?
Goodbye.
I'm sorry, I'm not able to...
Sorry? You don't even know what that means.
You're a fucking robot.
I'm an interactive voice response system, or an ivr.
Since we are bff...
May I please speak to a fucking human?
No need to be rude.
I need someone real.
Okay, I think we've heard enough, right?
- Well, that was a shit show. - Ms. Rogers. Sorry. Roger.
Let's talk about what we do have.
We have a system with great voice recognition,
giving us valuable data, that we can use to then make improve...
We have an expensive piece of crap that my customers are twittering about.
No, we are just experiencing a few hiccups
- in the personality department. - 18 minutes on
hold with Alexis, the new voice of welltrix.
Condescending, rude, stupid, epic health care fail.
We're trending, right? Come on, that's good.
Hi welltrix, I have cancer. If I wanted attitude I'd go to hot topics.
Every system needs what we call tuning after its first launch...
Okay, who designed this offensive, pseudo-person and unleashed it on my customers
- we did. You and I. - Excuse me.
You told me directly
that you wanted to be the south west airlines of the health care community.
Young people like subversive comedy.
You approved a personality matrix of sexy, irreverent, friendly and fun.
And a voice to match. I handled the call flow. Meghan handled the language.
And it's working. Caller volume is up. Call center hours are down.
- Her stats are impeccable. - This is a success.
- However, my customers hate her. - That's a different problem.
Roger, as team leader here at oracle, it is my job to interpret the data...
Okay, you know what? Give me a nice voice.
What?
My customers want empathy, give them empathy.
That is a great idea.
Empathy isn't possible. We could do sympathy.
What's the difference?
Empathy implies a shared experience. Our system can't do that
because people know it's a system.
Okay, who should I be listening to here?
I'm the team leader here.
I'm the person that will have to build this new system.
I have a phd, in psycho-linguistics.
Well, I am the client.
And I'm pulling Alexis. She's dead.
So, I want to hear a new voice with an empathetic, professional personality,
in one week.
One week is an unreasonable time horizon.
How is this time horizon? If you fail, I fail.
If I fail, they fire me.
If I'm fired, I'll have nothing but time.
Time, that I will use to destroy you.
I will become a management consultant,
so that I can fire you, wherever you may go.
Do you understand me?
Roger that.
- I'm sorry, what? - Nothing.
Dammit! Nothing.
I...Yeah, yeah, we got it. We are on it.
I'll call you in a week.
Looking forward to it. Thank you again, Roger.
Don't ass kiss greggory.
How can you say we'll do it when we don't even know if it's possible, gregg?
Because I'm a compulsive pleaser and a terrific liar.
That is why I am the boss.
Team, pull up the last 20 voices we heard for Alexis, please.
Are you seriously writing empathetic up there?
Innovate or die.
These are the finalists.
Hi, there. I'm Alexis.
Let's take charge of your total bodycare plan.
To hear details about our total bodycare plan, press two.
Hey there, I'm Alexis. Let's take charge of your total bodycare plan
to hear more details about our total bodycare plan, press two.
Total bodycare plan, I had it at rehearsal. Total bodycare plan.
I'm Alexis, let me just... Let me just... Hi, I'm Alexis.
Let's take charge of your full, forget full.
Total body-care plan.
Hi, I'm Alexis. Let's take charge of your total body-care plan
to hear details about our total bodycare plan, press two.
That's all we got. Those are terrible, right?
- Yeah. - I need a minute to think.
Tell her I said, "hi".
Parkside concierge, how can I help?
This is room 1313.
Good afternoon, Mr. Larsen. How was your meeting?
It was a disaster. Are you alone?
I have a guest waiting.
They're killing Alexis. I have to build an entire new ivr by next week.
A week is plenty of time. I'm sure we can find you something.
I'm so sorry, give me one moment?
What if they fire me? Then you'll leave me and you'll find some chef who turns bacon into
bubbles or liquid or gas or something.
Well. Molecular gastronomy is a fascinating part of the Chicago's foodie scene.
However, I still prefer home cooking.
I'm spiraling.
Sorry.
Close your eyes. Breathe with me.
I know you can do this.
I don't think so.
- I'm with you. - I don't think I can.
You can, because whatever happens, we will deal with it together.
Okay.
Okay, I love you.
We appreciate your business.
I'm so sorry for the delay. How can I help you?
We need new voice options by tonight, Meghan,
new language for the auditions at six.
And Joe, why don't you dig into the data and see where we're losing them.
- Emily. - I know you just talked to her.
- Should be the voice. - No, no no, we need a pro.
You will still write the language. She will just be saying it.
John, amateurs have opinions...
This is just for the prototype.
Let's try it. Give her a call. See how it sounds.
Parkside concierge. How can I help?
This is the guest in room 1313.
Hey 1313. I'm alone, so you can talk dirty but you have to talk fast.
No, em, you're on speaker phone with gregg and the whole gang.
Hey, guys.
- Hey em! - Hi.
Joe seems to think that you can help us with our problem here.
I'm sorry, can you hold just a moment.
Good afternoon, Mr. Ramsey, welcome back. How can i...
I've got flowers. The toilets have flowers. There are flowers fucking everywhere.
But, we don't have a florist.
This place is an over-priced roadshow hovel with service like a county jail.
You're frustrated. I'm frustrated that we are not doing better by you.
Please, what's the occasion?
A funeral.
Apparently $200 of hacked up foliage will show everybody how much I care.
Well, I think you traveling all the way here shows that you care a great deal.
Did you lose a family member or a friend?
She's not lost. She's in a casket a couple of miles from here.
She was my cousin. She was a friend, too.
I understand. I had a cousin like that.
He drowned. Hit his head and stayed under.
They want me to sing a stupid song we wrote together as kids.
Just some nostalgic bullshit is not going to keep her here for us.
Of course not. But we can help it make it easier to get through.
Listen, there is a flower shop just a couple of blocks from here.
But, I would like to recommend mozella's deli.
They make baskets of good food, that actually keeps.
And seeing as how grieving people can't eat flowers
it might be nice to get them something they can actually use, you know?
That sounds helpful.
Take a look, and when you're ready to order, just let me know and we'll call them together.
Thank you.
I'm back with you. What do you want to talk about?
Thanks for joining us on such short notice, em.
- No problem. - I love that. Can we use that?
No problem.
Should we start with a new greeting?
Okay.
Welltrix customer care. What do you want to do today?
Welltrix customer care. What do you want?
- Something wrong? - Do you have an opinion, maybe?
It's just kinda hard to say.
What do you want? Feels like you're putting the burden on them?
I told you this is not going to work.
What would you say?
Well, when guests walk into the hotel, I usually say, "welcome back".
Welcome back from where to where?
Does that make any sense?
People calling have probably called before.
To sign up or get a doctor?
Meghan, what do you think?
Welcome establishes a warmth, intimacy
and back implies a comfort, familiarity.
It's not bad.
Welcome back to welltrix.
How may I assist you today?
Assist feels a little formal, don't you think?
What about like, care for?
Touchy feeling, condescending.
When we called you at the hotel, you said, "how can I help?".
I mean, grammatically incorrect, but it has a likability to it.
Even when the listener is resistant to liking you.
So, welcome back to welltrix.
How may I help?
- Great. - Yeah, put it up then.
Cool, this is kinda fun.
How many more are there?
Oh, about 30,000.
Oh.
With the show starting and the hotel, it seems like a lot.
This would pay.
Real money. Money with commas.
- I'm gonna have to quit? - Not for the prototype.
But if Roger likes your voice and I am sure she will
then they would hire you for the entire ivr and that would be months of work.
Years of updates. You would never have to wear that uniform again.
- Okay. I'll do it. - Thank you.
Now, if you'll excuse me. I have to go, publicly embarrass myself.
That's never going to happen.
How do you know? You've never even been in a show.
My job is figuring out who people want to listen to,
and I know people want to listen to you.
Hi, what's your name?
Joe Larsen, I-a-r-s...
Enjoy the show, party pooper.
Hi, what's your name?
- Hey. - Hey guys.
- No. - This way she'll see you.
This is the type of show they might put you on stage.
Awesome.
No, I do not respond well to unexpected humiliation.
I see three seats in the corner.
After today, I expect humiliation.
Yeah. We're sitting here.
- Come on. - No.
Hello and welcome to "too much light..."
Yeah!
We are going to attempt to perform 30 plays in 60 minutes,
in the order that you choose them.
The first number we hear, we are going to jump up on the clothes-line,
we are going to grab that number down.
We are going to read the play title in the back of that number.
The play will be over when you hear a specific cue word and that cue word is "curtain".
Me, the Neo futurists, wrote these plays
and we don't play characters on stage.
I will always be Trevor and when I say something has happened to me on stage,
it really has happened to me.
This will always be Leah, and Chloe, and Nick
and Bilal and, oh my god, you guys,
this is Emily.
- Yeah, hi. - -Hi Emily.
It's Emily's first show.
Holy shit!
Yeah!
And just as Emily will always be Emily and I will always be Trevor,
we expect you to always be yourselves.
We don't have a fourth wall, because we can't afford that shit.
We don't have one, so, we will not ignore you.
We are going to come out here and touch you and ask you questions.
Just remember, you must stay on top of those curtains.
69!
Who knew paper dolls and a botanical psa.
Go.
When she fucked me, I felt special.
Unique, like a vagina snowflake.
When I found out she was cheating on me,
here you go.
See, then I know I was just one of a chain
amidst a million vaginas.
All of them her's.
This is what poison Ivy looks like.
It's a rash, welts, her name was tamela.
That's not a name.
And if there is any magic in this world...
She will feel this.
Now you're up. Go!
It was difficult for our riding instructor,
a guy that looked like the fifth member in zz top,
to tell us we were posting our horses in the correct, English style.
Or that we were just lazy, loose thighed girls.
So, he devised a test called, ride-a-buck.
In ride-a-buck, he would place dollar bills
between our thighs and the leather saddle.
And then, he would put us through our paces.
Walk.
Trot.
Canter.
Gallop.
Girls whose bills fluttered sadly to the floor
they had to go to the center of the ring, disgraced.
But girls who kept their thighs tight and those pelvis rocking
until he tired of calling out orders,
well, they had successfully ridden the buck.
And if you rode the buck,
you got to keep the money.
Curtain.
That's our show!
Guys, give it up for Emily!
Hi, where's your name tag? Did you not get one?
Oh, Emily, you need to reset your props
and then there is a welcome party for you on the first day.
Cool, hey, this is my husband, this is Joe, this is Chloe.
- She's like my mentor. - Yes.
- Hi. - What's up.
Hi, what did you think?
- You were so good. - Yeah?
- Everything you did was good. - Really?
- The show. - It was crazy, right?
- She's terrifying. -Chloe? I know. Isn't it amazing.
- She's so cool. - Terrifying.
And the play she did, promise me you won't do a play like that about me.
I have plenty of things to write about other than you.
- Okay, promise me. - Sure, Joe.
- Whatever you want. Promise. - Thank you.
Shall we get some alcohol
- hey guys. - Hey
everyone is on a spectacle.
What matters is if she's ready to step for this.
It doesn't seem she's ready.
She says she is and I believe her.
She's so into me. I can tell.
Gregg.
The way I see it,
we're here to cut to the bone.
I'm sure whatever you said in there was true, but
next week, maybe something
that's so true, it's uncomfortable and challenging.
And interesting.
Okay, cool. Well, I'll try.
Good, you should try.
Typically people are resistant at first.
You like to think you're immune to statistical analysis.
- What about intuition? - No, intuition is bias.
I like bias.
Okay, well, we make thousands of decisions everyday.
Burger or salad, exercise or sleep.
If you could know for sure which of these decisions was right,
why would you deny yourself that knowledge?
You're okay with this?
My performance always holds up to Joe's analysis.
Okay, let's do it.
So you'll start here by filling up the names of your exes, male and female.
Is there sexual satisfaction here plus one minus one?
Emotional fulfillment here and any other categories that you think are valuable.
Rank, calculate see patterns, you'll know the truth.
But I already know how I feel.
Feelings are assumption. You don't know.
You know what you're like?
You're like, you're like my table.
You are drunk.
You're like an anchor.
I am with a kite and I can tie myself to you
and I can float around.
But I don't float all the way because... listen.
I wasn't even gonna audition for this show.
Because I didn't think I was good.
But you told me that I was, and that we could afford it.
I would never be in this show without you.
You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Thank you.
So, I'm the second best, huh?
I'm usually okay with being the second best. But, in this...
Why don't you prove me wrong?
What are you doing?
You said you wanted privacy when you write so...
- You made me an office? - Guilty.
Last night, I got overwhelmed,
and I looked at my charts during your play. I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Apology accepted.
The audience loved you.
Which apparently is cheap.
Chloe says I need to cut to the bone.
Well, she would know.
I'm going for a running so you have about 37 minutes to write something incredibly...
Uncomfortable. And then we get to go to work together.
It's just what I needed.
Mom, are you okay?
Oh, these contractors are all crooks, honey.
You were supposed to get three quotes. Did you?
None of them would rebuild it the way it was. None of them.
Because it wasn't up to code.
The city is hassling me and I'm just tired of it, you know?
Just... fucking tired.
Email me the quotes, I'll call you next week. I love you.
I love you too, honey.
Welcome back.
I need to talk to you right now.
Okay, what is it?
She dumped me.
She went home last night and did your stupid chart,
and apparently, she's a lesbian.
- Oh, gregg. - That was my analysis.
We were in love, Joe, we had a really good thing,
and you ruined it.
What was it that killed you in the stats?
- I mean, other than sex. - I was a plus one for sex.
I was a plus one for gender.
I had almost as much masculinity as her ex-girlfriend.
I guess I was a negative one for fitness.
- That's surprising. - Yeah.
And negative one for indecisiveness.
She said I didn't have my own, strong opinions,
that I would just like do anything to make her happy.
I don't understand why that's such a bad thing.
Firm versus malleable. It is an insightful category. That's great.
What is wrong with you? That is not great Joe.
You ruined it and you need to fix it.
You need to call her and tell her that the whole thing is like a joke.
That it's not a real thing.
Look, it was never gonna work out. The data just confirmed that.
I'm sorry that you found out the way that you did, but,
it's fortunate for you that it happened now as opposed to later
when you were more co-dependent and this would have really hurt.
That's it?
I'm sorry, he's really bad at that stuff.
I just want to like stab myself.
Like, let all the blood and the fat run out.
Then I can just be skin and a failure.
This time it's really not about you. She's a lesbian.
- She loved me. You saw. You were there. - Yes, yes.
So, how does that stop?
I don't think it did.
I think she realized that she needed something different, long term.
No, I don't actually.
Thanks for choosing welltrix and trusting us.
With something as important as your health care. I hope we earned it.
You did. Absolutely. Thank you, Emily.
Emily, great voice, great name, it's wholesome, mid-western.
- I like her. - That's great
enough to move forward?
We thought we'll change the name from Emily to something else once we started to move forward.
No, it's perfect. You can go forward with Emily.
Fantastic, great, thank you so much, Roger. Really appreciate the chance.
We're over the moon over here to get started on this project and give you...
I think it got disconnected.
So we got an okay. Tell me.
Tell me. Tell me. Tell me in a British accent.
I can't speak in a British accent.
I'm gonna call the hotel right now and tell them I'm out of there.
Why?
What do you mean why? Because I'm quitting.
No, you can't quit the hotel yet
why? You're approved.
We are approved for the prototype.
We have thousands more prompts.
So, Meghan, as good as she is, she's going to need help.
So, I should be there to help her, right?
Listen, people in pain, emotional people who are adverse
to help and you know where we can observe
more people that fall into that category than at your work?
What are you gonna do, Joe? Sit under my desk?
Not exactly. There's a piece of software that we use at work
which records phone calls. Then we can go back and see what went wrong.
I adapted it into an app and put it on your phone.
It's very simple. You push this button and then, it starts recording.
You're in control. It's just listening for distress words and phrases
or if you say the same thing, say the same thing, say the same thing.
It's recording data, not content.
- Only for two weeks. - Yeah.
And I can turn it off whenever I want.
Fine, Joe, whatever.
And it might take photos of you while you are sleeping.
That's just because I love you.
I feel like that'll bring us closer.
When I made my reservation, I was promised clean hypo-allergenic sheets.
I would have booked elsewhere if I had been aware of the sub standard quality of your service
I can assure you that our cleaning staff changes the linens daily.
Every morning I mark the sheets with a pencil.
In the afternoon, the pencil marks are still there.
I apologize. That must have been upsetting.
I will personally oversee that our staff meets our promises to you,
starting with fresh linens.
Joseph, where are you?
Joe?
I've been feeling faint for the past few weeks which was nice,
until I passed out on the lawn this morning. It was nothing.
Nothing. I told the city inspector that I'd skipped breakfast,
but they called a fucking ambulance and now, I'm at north western memorial.
You know how I feel about hospitals, honey.
I swear they're taking blood out of one arm and putting it in the other.
So, you got to get me out of here before I get too loopy from the drugs,
which are nice, but they're, well, they're really nice.
I love you honey, just incase.
I can't be late for rehearsal.
Em?
- Emily. - What?
I need you.
- Joe, I can't be late. - I need you.
It's my mom. Please, please.
Okay, okay.
I'm here.
I'm sorry.
Whatever it is, we'll deal with it together.
I love you.
You're probably gonna experience some side effects.
I feel fine now.
I'm sorry. What exactly is Addison's disease?
Her adrenal glands have stopped producing the hormones that she needs.
She'll have to take corticosteroid every day for the rest of her life.
No pills. Can't keep them down.
The nausea is a side effect of the illness.
We'll arrange for home health aid to give your medication as a twice daily injections.
In a few weeks you will be able to take the pills.
I'm sorry, are there any other treatment options? My mother has problems with needles.
Don't be silly.
And deception.
I'm sure I can handle it. Doctor, please, it's a needle.
She's not compliant. She was drunk throughout her pregnancy with me.
You went to college. You did well.
I am very fortunate to be a functioning, adult male,
but what we know about alcohol and the effects it has on infants...
It's extremely important that you commit to the protocol Mrs. Larsen.
Without daily injections you could suffer an adrenal crisis and
and die - and die.
I know. I understand completely, doctor.
- That is her lying voice. - Shut up.
A good doctor-patient relationship is based on trust.
I can trust you, right Mrs. Larsen?
Absolutely. Thank you for your service, doctor. Come on, Joe, out of here.
So no.30 is "so all my shit gets turned into props and then we are set and ready for the week."
Sorry, sorry, sorry I'm late.
So, let's start now with white tiger, white snake, white...
Actually, I have two plays.
This is a mentorship moment.
See, some day, you'll be the conductor and it'll be your job to punish people
that are late for rehearsal by not letting them pitch plays
which is what I'm about to do you right now.
It was Joe, he gets panic attacks. He needed me there.
I'm sure he wants you there but we need you to be here.
I have to lie on him. That's the only thing that works.
Like this. Face down, please. Yeah, yeah yeah.
So, it's like, I have to go like this.
You know, like a tandem jump.
You know, like, nobody gets down safe unless we both do.
Those are very interesting visual image and I think it belongs on stage.
You should pitch it next week, if you get to rehearsal on time.
Yeah, these are lessons we have to learn, cause we are adults.
- Hi. - Hey.
- How's your mom? - Better for now.
Back at home.
Now she has to find a way to thank the city inspector that she hates, for saving her life.
How'd you hear it?
Earlier, it was just a blip, probably.
Extreme stress due to Alexis and my mom, your show.
Tomorrow is my rest day but I'm gonna run anyway.
Cool.
How was your rehearsal? Did your plays get in?
Nope. No plays if you are late.
I'll be in in a bit.
You know, I could use a couple of minutes to myself.
Okay.
I'm with you.
I'm so sorry. How can I help you today?
We know you have options when it comes to your care.
Your voice was a little scratchy on the last one, so...
I'll do it again.
No need. I'll just splice them. Hold on a second.
How's this?
We know you have options when it comes to your care.
You can do that?
Yeah. Franken-prompting, I can take spare parts and
-make it sound like a new sentence. - Wow
okay, great, moving on.
This next one, can you start off neutral and then go upbeat.
Okay.
We know you have options when it comes to your care.
Gregg, what was that?
I'm doing a 45 seconds of intense cardio, 12 times a day.
- At the office? - Yeah.
You can do it anywhere. That's the beauty of "noni fit".
Dude, what is that? It smells bad, gregg.
It's dried noni fruit.
Well, it smells like vomit and cheese.
Well, it's good for the joints. I am on a fruit cleanse for the next few days.
You realize you're changing for someone who dumped you
because you're too willing to change.
No, I do two days of ground Turkey.
She will not take you back.
And then pine nuts.
Can you try that again. Sorry, we missed it.
No problem.
- Great work today. - Thanks.
So, I'll leave you a token for the show?
- I will try to make it. - Okay. I love you.
Welcome back.
Hey.
Welcome back.
You should hear the beta system. She is almost perfect.
That's great. Is she working three jobs too?
No, but she sounds exactly like you.
Well, I'm sure she doesn't actually sound like me, Joe.
No, she does.
She responds to callers with something that you would say.
Obviously it's more predictable.
Only as predictable as you are.
- Excuse me. - Only as predictable as you are.
- We're all predictable. - Well, I'm not.
Actually, you are. The more I been listening to your voice,
I recognize that you use 16 different word clusters
in 70% of your verbal communication.
I can show you a breakdown of it.
No, that's fine, I'm sure you're right.
I am, I have the data.
How is this legal?
Have you ever heard, "this call may be monitored or recorded"?
That's us.
I need a list of in-network podiatrists.
I'm with you but I didn't catch that.
That's you.
It's something.
Would you like to choose a new, primary care physician?
I don't want to change doctors. Why do I have to change?
I know that it is complex, but we will deal with it together.
Deal with it together. You say that all the time.
Okay, no.
Congratulations Joe.
You're successfully reduced my personality to a couple catch phrases.
Don't you see how lifelike it is?
I mean, people are even calling in to corporate to speak to you, to her.
Maybe it's groundbreaking for an answering machine.
But, it's not me, it's nothing like me.
Are you mad about something else?
No, I'm just tired.
But the great news is, I don't have to be anymore, because you did it.
So, I'm gonna quit the hotel. I want you to take the app off my phone.
We need to do updates for months. So, this isn't the end of the process.
I don't want you listening anymore.
In order to be of most value to our customers,
we're gonna need to continue to do improvements.
Joe, I will work with Meghan then.
Joe, I am glad that the ivr came out so well, okay?
But I would like to go back to being your wife, and not your science experiment.
But I enjoy listening to you.
I don't think you've been listening to me at all.
Take the app off my phone, Joe. Now.
It's off.
Thank you. I'm going to bed.
Hi Joe, how can I help?
I need pre-approval.
Do you have a referral number?
Two-six-two.
Two-six-zero-two.
Perfect. It'll be just a moment.
Joe, I'm with you.
Repeat.
Joe, I'm with you.
Repeat.
Joe, I'm with you.
Repeat.
Joe, I'm with you.
You've been approved.
Again.
Approved.
- Repeat. - - Approved.
Oh god. Emily, are you there?
Joe, I'm with you.
- Repeat. - I'm with you.
- What's my name? - Joe Larsen.
- Customer name. - Joe Larsen.
- Repeat. - Joe Larsen.
I didn't catch that. Are you still with me?
Yes, I'm still here.
Can I do anything else for you tonight?
No.
We know you have choices when it comes to your health care.
Thanks for choosing...
- Four, five... - Okay, I'm gonna go home.
What?
Yeah, I can send all my scripts in.
And I'll code everything myself.
- What are you working on? - Oh, the gold ppo plan.
- Oh. - Yeah.
Luxury health care needs its own language.
- Hey. Are you feeling okay? - I feel great. Thank you.
Yup, we are doing the impossible.
I would just prefer to do it in my pajamas.
Bye.
Play nine. "The relationship of Dorian gray." Go.
- I love you. - And I, you.
- You are the finest among men. - And I, you.
- Problem. - Of course not.
Carry on.
- I regret my foolish choices. - And I, you.
Curtain.
Mom, slow down.
Slow down. I can't understand anything you're saying.
- Honest, I thought it was better. - Yeah?
Yes, I mean it's still vague, like are you talking about your life
or is that a literary adaptation?
You will have an adrenal crisis and die. That is the other option.
Mom, you have to... Do not hang up on me.
- It's about me. - You should say that.
Khloe, I can't. I promised Joe I'd never use him in my work.
Which is funny. He used you in his.
You guys talk about this half ass bullshit.
You're either using your life in your work or you're not using your life in your work.
There are two options. You pick from there. What is happening here?
Sorry.
Honestly, how would he know? He doesn't even come to shows.
That is true that is true.
- Hang on. I'll turn this off. - That'll be cool. Thank you.
Hey, you've reached Emily's phone...
Oh fuck, come on!
Dude, what the fuck.
- Do phones turn themselves on? - No, that's not a thing.
- Can you help me take the battery out of this? -You can't.
It's hermetically sealed with chemicals in the hands of tiny, poor children.
Welcome back to welltrix, how can I help?
This is the guest from room 1313.
Hi Joe, how can I help?
Hi.
I can't breathe very well.
And my mom isn't taking her medication.
If it isn't a medical emergency, you should hang up.
No, no, no, I just need you.
If it isn't a medical emergency, you should hang up.
It's not a medical emergency!
Execute phase one.
Take a couple of deep breaths.
Execute phase two.
Lay down.
Take a couple of deep breaths.
Deep breaths.
Emily, she's gonna die.
I'm with you. Whatever it is, we will deal with it together.
Okay.
We will.
- Are you with me? -Yes.
Would you like me to follow up?
Yes.
Text or email?
Text. In 24 hours.
Thank you.
No problem.
Joe, I have to talk to you. My phone just turned itself back on.
- Why didn't you pick up? - What is this?
What happened?
Hey Joe, are you still listening to my phone, I mean?
What are you accusing me of?
I'm not accusing you of anything, Joe.
I'm asking you a question. My phone...
This is an emergency.
I need you on my side.
Joe, I'm with...
Just forget it. We'll talk about it another time, I guess.
Okay.
Mom, I don't understand why you aren't taking this more seriously?
I'm feeling much better.
- You fired your nurse. - I know.
- Thank you. - You aren't taking your shots.
Stress triggers my symptoms. She was making it worse.
- How? - By giving me injections.
Mom, how long since your last injection?
Thirty six hours, but I'll be fine.
You have two choices. Either I can give you an injection, right now,
or we'll take you to the hospital.
Oh, no, no. I've decided to take the pills. I'm fine, sweetie.
That is not an option anymore.
Hey Emily, how's the play going?
It's good, thank you. Sorry. What's the actual issue here?
I'm just not that good with needles.
- You know Beth you're in luck because I'm actually very good... -I'm scared of fucking needles.
Emily, okay?
And hospitals, but you need one of the two.
Which is it?
Almost ready.
- You wanna hold my hand? - No, I'm fine.
Yeah.
You can squeeze it as hard as you want. You can't hurt me.
Aah! That's good. You're good at that.
- Hey, has Joe ever told you how we met? -No.
No, okay, it was in a diner, okay?
And he was building a cathedral out of sugar packets
and he had very steady hands. Very, very steady.
And I went over to him and I said, hey...
No, no, I can't, I can't.
- You have to stay still. - I know you can.
You don't know shit.
Okay, okay, Joe, Joe, look at me go make another dose.
We can do this, okay?
Beth, look at me.
Hey, hey, Beth, this is what is going to happen, okay?
You're going to look right into my eyes, okay? Hey! Hey! Not a joke.
Not at your leg. Right here, right into my eyes okay?
And we're going to sing your favorite song...
- I'm not gonna sing. - Yes, you are.
Yes you are, because I'm in charge and you're gonna do what I say.
- I know you can do this. - I can't.
Yes, you can.
Because if you don't, if you move at all, we're going to call an ambulance.
And that ambulance is going to take you to a hospital.
And we will have to leave you, so that we can go back to work, and pay for the hospital.
And you will be alone. Do you want to be alone?
- No. - No.
So, you are going to look at me and you are going to stay still.
Those are the only options. Okay?
- I'm scared. - I know. But it's okay.
- Okay. - It's okay. Do you know why?
Because I'm right here. I'm with you.
- Okay. - Okay?
Tell me your favorite song
tell me the song.
Bruce Springsteen.
Shut up, Joe.
- Hey, some saltwater for you. - Yummy.
Next time I want a Margarita, okay?
You and me both.
Sorry, Dr. Joe's orders.
Fine.
He liked to stand right there when he was little, looking out.
Hey, do you ever think about, maybe, moving a little closer to us?
No, no, no way, I mean, my whole life happened here.
Joe's childhood, when his dad left, they told me it was good for him.
Stability, that nothing else should change, so now it does that for me.
I wish I could have known him when he was little.
Oh, you wouldn't have liked him. He was a total dork.
- He's not a dorky now? - Yes, he is.
So, you kids thinking about kids at all or...
- I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pressed, I'm sorry. -No, it's...
It's fine, I guess we've been focused on other things.
Yeah, you know what they say, kids are what happens when you're busy making other plans.
Hey, don't over think it. Kids are what they are.
I mean, check out the sill. Underneath here, there.
What are these?
For years, I didn't know. Then one day, I checked the dates against my journal.
It's every time his dad said he'd visit. And every time he actually showed up.
Yeah?
I just feel close to you.
Thanks for bringing me here.
You were so firm with her.
The only options. How did you know to say that?
I guess, sometimes, people just need to know somebody is in charge, you know?
You were wonderful.
- I think we make a good team. - Mm-hmm.
I feel we've been working so much and I haven't even seen you and I miss you.
You know, earlier, your mom asked me if we wanted to have kids.
Mm-hmm.
Who is it?
This is... Um... Just one second.
Can you just leave it?
- Bye Beth. - Thank you so much. Thank you.
- See you soon. - Okay.
Mom, the nurse is coming back at 3:00 this afternoon, so
- don't pull anything. - Yes, sir.
I'm doing this because I love you.
No, you hate me and you're getting back at me
through the north western healthcare system.
- Now, come here. - You know that's not true.
You need to listen to your wife.
I hear her voice all day, everyday.
It's not the same thing
okay, I love you.
- I love you. - I love you.
You should consider replacing your long runs with shorter ones.
What are you doing?
I need to talk to you.
Can't we do this at work?
Well, you're not returning my emails or texts.
I got desperate and used my phone as a phone.
You're messing with my average, gregg.
Hey, yesterday, I ate only noni berries
and this morning, my shit was red.
I think I might be in trouble.
- So stop. - I think it's working.
What do you think? What do you think?
It's not going to work, because it can't work.
She's a lesbian. She's not going to change her sexual orientation because you have two abs.
You can see them. It is working. Right here, and here.
Gregg, we launch this thing tomorrow.
I know, I thought, maybe we could casually jog by her house.
People don't change and then stay together.
When they discover they are different people, they split up.
You need to find someone who appreciates you exactly as you are.
Like Emily and me.
Yeah, but Emily is way different now.
I saw her at the "too much light show" last week
and she did this whole play about balloons.
It was funny but angry.
Not like how I think of her at all.
You went to the show?
Yeah, I was hoping to find you.
We launch tomorrow. Eat some solid food.
Ask Emily.
Big setup, big setup.
- Alright, ready? - Ready.
Go on. Ask Emily. Go!
Welcome back to welltrix. I'm Emily. How can I help?
Hi Emily, I thought we should talk. I'm Emily.
Hi Emily, for your privacy and security,
I need to ask a couple of questions.
Well, Emily, as someone discussing the romantic decay of their relationship
in front of an audience of complete strangers with a digital replica of herself
I think that ship has sailed, but whatever.
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
Do you know your girth number?
I do. It's 2622602.
Great, and what is the name of the primary policy holder?
It's Joseph Larsen.
Perfect. What can I do for you this evening, Emily?
Well, Emily, you see, my husband won't speak to me anymore.
But he calls you all the time. Is it over?
I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.
Options include billing, pre-approval and
make changes to my policy.
He thinks you sound exactly like me.
And I think you sound condescending and drunk.
Do I have poor self esteem?
I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.
Options include...
My father used to say I didn't catch that too
to emphasize his love of baseball
but also to hide the fact that he was going deaf.
I'm sorry. I didn't...
Make changes to my policy.
No problem. Would you like to lower deductible,
add coverage or something else?
My new policy is that I will not cooperate
with technology that seeks to demean, and replace me.
My new policy is that I will demand
a technology that actually serves my humanity.
And my new policy is that I will not fuck anyone
that wishes I was more like
a piece of software that was designed for soothing compliance.
I'm sorry, only the primary policy holder
is authorized to make changes to your policy.
We'll see about that.
Curtain.
Joe, I... Joe? Joe?
Emily, that's you.
Em, come on.
Here we go! Scene. "What you say"... go!
Hey.
Brought you some clean clothes.
I'm sorry.
No, you're not.
You did exactly what you wanted.
You made all those people love you
by humiliating me.
Look, fuck the play, okay?
That's not the point.
Then what is the point?
Other than try to control what I do, even when you're not usually there.
You promised you wouldn't write about me, remember?
Yes, Joe, but please understand
it is my job in the show to tell the truth about my life.
And this is what my life has become.
What do you want from me?
All you have to do is read the script.
Really?
And show up to the launch tonight.
Then you're done.
Okay Joe.
Six months ago, I had the groundbreaking idea
to make an empathetic machine.
Gregg and his team at oracle were skeptical.
But they achieved the impossible
today, at the welltrix call center in bloomington,
Roger and I heard an exchange that
showcases Emily's impressive personality.
The caller has a new, life threatening disease
so rather than sit here and bore you,
I figured that I'd just let Emily tell the story.
Go ahead. Play it.
I'm with you Helen. I know you can do this.
You are going to find your referral and read the number from the upper right corner.
I can't.
Or you're going to hang up and deal with this alone.
Those are the only options.
Here it is. 46947.
Perfect. That is just what I needed.
We're gonna find you the care you need.
And now, the real brains behind Emily, Joe Larsen, everyone.
Of course none of this would be possible
without a very special woman.
She is patient and caring, and funny and smart.
She makes my life better each and everyday
and I know she will do the same for you.
I would like to introduce you, personally to Emily.
We've dropped the app on each one of your phones
so you may speak directly to her.
Thank you again for coming tonight. Have a great evening.
Great job. I'm proud of you.
Thanks gregg.
Nice work.
You agreed to be observed.
In our bed? At your mother's house?
She's only as good as she is, because I didn't pick and choose...
It's not a she. It is an answering machine,
developed by a corporation to try and save money
and make people think that we don't need humans anymore.
She is kind, she listens,
she is available for the people that need her.
- Unlike me, right? - Yes.
I'm really sorry about that, joe.
The thing is that real people don't actually exist just to support you.
- Are you jealous of her? - Yes.
I am jealous of it.
You call it all the time. You text it. You'd probably fuck it if you could.
Oh my god, you actually were.
She is funny and she is smart and she helps people
through the most terrifying problems of their lives.
She is practically a miracle and we made her, together.
Yes, you're right, we did.
I agreed to this and that was a mistake.
I know I have my issues, but you certainly have yours.
The difference is, yours benefit other people, so they don't call you on it.
But you said what I wanted to hear to my face and then you went behind my back
and you did whatever the fuck you wanted.
Don't you understand, Joe, that what you are asking of me
as a human being is unreasonable.
Then say so, to my face.
Okay, I'll say so. I am done.
I am done, lying and trying to pretend that I am perfect.
That is not a concern anymore.
- Where are you going? - None of your fucking business.
It is my business. We made a promise.
In front of our family and our friends.
Yeah, we did. But things are different now. Do you even love me?
- Do you? - I need you.
Yeah, I know.
No, wait, what am I supposed to do now?
I don't know. Why don't you call Emily?
Gregg?
I think we got a problem.
Shit.
Joe, let me in.
I know you're in there. I can smell your funk from out here.
Alright, fine, you made me do it.
The system flagged your phone number as an abusive caller this morning.
Unflag it.
Yeah, I could have. Or I could have also called the police.
But, I decided as your friend
to come by and ask you why you've stopped coming in to work
but you've called the completed ivr 400 times in the last three weeks.
I'm fine tuning it.
Yeah, Meghan says that you have been making changes to the script
that she can't access. Something that's password protected.
And I spoke to Roger
and she says that there is no such thing as a ppo gold plan.
- Is that it? - Joe?
Look, I figured I would give you some time after you and Emily split.
I'm sure it's been difficult not talking to her.
- I talk to her. - The real Emily.
- This is not her, here. - Of course it is.
You used to call her at the hotel, right?
You had some sort of secret code to let her know that it was you.
Yeah, I used to be the...
Guest from room thir...
That situation was imperfect.
Joe, Jesus Christ, look around you.
- Does this seem perfect to you? - Yes.
You're my best friend, Joe, and even though you treat me like shit, I still love you.
I just came by to warn you.
And to let you to know that we blocked your number and in a matter of hours
we will crack your hidden path and delete it.
- No. - Sorry.
- You need to get some help, man. - I have to call her.
It's a hotel room number. Four digits. It starts with...
What the hell are you doing? I can't let you do this.
Hey, cut it out, it's not my call.
You were literally just making the call.
- Give me my phone. - Really?
- Give it. Give it. - No.
Can I borrow your phone?
Just for one sec.
Sir, excuse me, can I borrow your cellphone?
Excuse me ma'am, can I borrow your cell phone?
Can I borrow your cell phone?
You alright, man?
Do you have a phone? Can I borrow it? It's an emergency.
Yeah.
It's an emergency, I have to talk to my wife.
Welcome back to welltrix. I'm Emily.
Room 1313.
Joe, I've missed you.
I've missed you.
I miss you, oh god,
I thought I'd never see you again.
I'm right here.
Gregg came over. He attacked me.
No, I attacked him.
I've never done that before.
I've never acted like that before.
You are upset. Take a couple of deep breaths.
No, I don't need deep breaths.
I need you to help me understand what's going on.
Gregg came over. You attacked him. You've never done that before.
No, no, don't repeat what I'm saying.
I programmed you. I know what you are doing.
You're upset. Take a couple of deep breaths.
I don't need to breathe few deep breaths, it won't bring my wife back.
Joe, are you still there?
No.
I drove her away...
For you.
Everything is changing.
Sometimes a man has to make a call.
What happened to your friend?
Marco? Heart attack. He's gone.
- He died? - Moved to Tucson.
His wife got a job there.
But still, it's different without him.
- Sorry, I have to go. - Of course.
- See you tomorrow? - Yeah.
Joe?
I'll destroy the secret path.
Okay.
What's the password?
I'll deal with it myself.
I'll do it.
What is the password?
Capital "r". Zero, zero, m. 1313.
I'd like to do it myself.
Gregg, I'm really sorry.
About?
- I guess I was a shitty friend. - You guess?
Do you know that I collapsed in the lobby of our building due to lack of nutrients?
Paramedics came. They got the paddles out.
- Defibrillator? - Yes.
Fuck!
I was an asshole.
Thank you.
- You doing better? - Yeah.
- I'm eating again. So I... - How about Gwen?
I finally realized that anyone who can let a bunch of numbers
be more important than what we had, probably never loved me that much in the first place.
And also she's lesbian.
- Yeah, at least I've heard that. - Yeah.
That makes sense. It is more of an uphill battle, I guess.
Now I have to talk to Emily.
Yeah, that would be a good idea.
I don't know how to find her.
Oh man, that's tough.
It's like, if only there were a public place that you knew
that she went to almost every night, you know?
Like a park or... oh.
Thank you.
Hey, that ending is working for "specific gravity", right?
Yeah, it's great. I'm not sure it needs text at all.
- Quite honestly. - Hmm.
I hear that.
I feel pretty good about it. I think I'm just gonna go with it anyway.
Alright, stick to your guns, cowgirl. I like that. That's good.
I just need to decide where to stand for the intro.
Hey, are you and Joe getting a divorce?
I don't know.
This show isn't about knowing what's coming,
or doing everything right.
It's about being open to the unexpected
and embracing constant change.
It's about forgiving yourself and other people around you that are in it with you.
When mistakes were made, and then moving forward into the next scene.
You've grown so much over the last couple of months.
But there is still this hesitancy.
I just want to like... It doesn't matter where you stand...
You just pick where you stand.
And you'll be great.
That's it, guys. We're all sold out.
Sorry.
You should have a token?
Yup.
Good luck.
Enjoy the show timreed. Hi, what's your name?
I'm prepared to respond to whatever you want to call me.
Break a leg, pink elephant.
Hi, what's your name?
"Specific gravity". Go.
With him.
Without him.
I used to think that without him, I would float away.
But it turns out that there was something
hidden inside of me all along.
So, I can live a good life, alone.
But, I still dream of something
that is perfectly balanced.
And while I know that it might be impossible.
I still believe, that if I'm careful...
It can be done.
Curtain.
Fourteen is... "Substitution". Volume!
For tonight only, play 14, my conclusion so far
and it features a member of our audience.
What are you doing? What's happening?
- I got the screen. - This'll be fine.
Accelerated heartbeat is normal response to being on stage. Being on stage is scary.
- This is normal. - He's fine. Are you ready?
I'm sorry. What is happening?
- Go. - Hi.
I'm Joe.
And I go on a run, almost everyday which takes me to the end of Hollywood pier.
Here's the data on that.
On that run, I take a photo.
From the same spot, the same photo.
For years, these images seemed identical to me.
Reassurance that the information that I captured and quantified
remained the same.
As you know, because we are married, I did the same to you.
I watched you start to change and I was afraid that if you started to change
you would change completely.
And that I would stay the same and that you would leave.
So, I replaced you.
But nothing stays the same.
Which in theory is terrifying and overwhelming.
But in reality,
it can be calming.
And I can now see that...
You change everyday.
Every single day, from the day I met you,
you've changed.
But still, you remained the same beautiful body of water and thoughts.
And I can't imagine anything better,
than to spend everyday
being surprised by you.
If you will let me.
Okay, I'm done.
I'm done. I'm done.
Curtain.
13, 13! Is high on...
- Hey. - Hi.
- It's good to see you. - It's so good to see you.
That was kind of an unbelievable act.
How did you do that?
- The play? - Yeah.
I'm still not sure. Chloe helped a lot.
She thought it would make a good play.
That was great.
I mean, like, I would... I did it, a little bit, it was couple... okay.
But nice, overall, right? A good start, right? To begin.
Was that a compliment?
I gave up the passwords to the ivr.
I'm sure that was really hard for you.
It's software.
It's hard not seeing you.
I'm sorry, em.
I'm changing.
I can't go back to what it was.
I can't. I can't.
Because I can't be in service to anyone anymore
even if it it is for somebody that I love,
because it is not real.
I can't help it but wonder if it will just be easier to...
Try to move on and start over.
Maybe.
But you don't want to do something because it is easy anymore.
And neither do I.
You want to come outside with me for a second?
Anything... with you.
You okay?