Do you want to go in first?
I want to film their reaction.
Everybody, Pippa's here!
- Oh, Mummy. - Is she staying here?
- Yes. - New baby sister.
My dad used to think Pippa was what finally completed the whole family.
He was like, "Seven colors of the rainbow, seven wonders of the world..."
He just had it fixated in his head that Pippa was lucky.
- Is she really at home? - She's at home now, forever.
We are going to take care of you so much.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Is there anything you want to say, before I turn the camera off, Jamie?
- Well, I'd like to ask you something. - Is there anything you'd like to say?
- Oh, that's good. - Okay?
I like that. That's good initiative.
- Right. - Right.
- I'm gonna ask you to... - Let me see you on the screen, Jamie.
What I'm doing, Jamie,
is I've recorded you on your fourth birthday,
fifth, sixth and now your seventh tomorrow.
This is like a little diary for you when you're older.
And I hope you'll be pleased with Daddy.
You look beautiful, sweetheart.
I love that this is my home and I grew up here.
We are all so close.
Give us a nice smile, Kacie.
Everyone's kind of weird. There's no such thing as normal.
- Cheese. - Cheese.
Mirie is the best twin ever.
So is Lorie, but in a different way.
Oh, doesn't she look gorgeous.
We're a handful. I admire Mum for sticking around
and not leaving us.
We genuinely have the best family in the world.
Give us a smile.
You see programs, it's one big happy family.
That's only on programs.
There's seven of you, we live in a wonderful house...
have a wonderful time...
and you have all got a very bright future.
Hi, Lorie in the future, Jamie in the future...
And everyone in the future.
I think we're all so used to saying...
For six years, we've been saying we're okay.
But there are some days that I'm like, "It's not okay.
I'm not fine about what happened."
- Hello, Mummy. - Hello, Daddy.
Oh.
Jamie, come here with Daddy now, please.
Please. Quickly, 'cause he's driving up.
How about we have, like, a ceremony?
- Around the caravan? - No, but do you know what I mean...
- I didn't mean... - I wasn't being sarcastic.
We could all make our peace with the caravan and say goodbye to it nicely.
I personally feel as though we've all moved on in our lives far enough,
that it can go.
- Don't you agree? - The Atlas.
- The Atlas, darling. - Mum, this is one of those,
"I'm only 13."
But it's just sitting there.
It's going to get to the point where it'll just be completely derelict.
- Mum, can I suggest something? - Yes, darling.
There was, um, this Buddhist idea
that if you imagine all your beloved belongings being broken and gone,
when it actually goes, it's not as sad.
Because you've already accepted the fact that it's broken.
Okay, that's not true.
So, why don't you imagine that it's gone,
imagine that tomorrow they're taking it away,
and imagine it's gone, and see if you can deal with that.
- I would personally feel like... - Have you ever tried it?
I would feel like a weight had been partially lifted off my shoulders
with the Atlas.
I know that sounds really bad,
but I used to look out there, and if I saw all the lights on,
I'd be crapping myself.
I would feel like we were giving up.
I'd feel like we'd be just accepting that he's gone.
- And I just... Mum, stop... - Do you not feel...
- Let me finish! - Sorry.
You got to remember that there's eight of us,
and we are all in different stages. We're not moving forward together.
I do not feel that if we got rid of it, it would help me to move on.
I feel that it would mean that actually...
If Dad... I know it sounds stupid, but if Dad did come back,
he would have nowhere to stay.
When you first met Dad, did you realize he was the way he was?
I just thought he was very, um... organized.
- Was he handsome? - And very... He was handsome, yeah.
- He was good fun. - Why did Dad write everything down?
Some days, he'd write nothing, and other days, he'd write 20 pages.
Would it be one extreme or the other?
Would it ever be about five pages? Or was it none or 20?
No, it was one extreme or the other.
- So, could he never be... - Moderate.
You know when you're not quite happy or you're sad?
He could never be in between?
No, he was always one end or the other.
Which was most common?
When we first met, probably the happier end.
- And then did it get worse over time? - Yeah.
Gradually, over time, it switched.
How long did it take you to notice that he was getting worse?
I think I realized how bad it was getting around the time Pippa was born.
But before then, you couldn't really notice that he was getting worse?
Is it as bad as you thought it was?
- You see where the door is there? - Yeah.
If you step too close to it, you can almost fall through.
- The floor is almost breaking. - Yeah. I don't know.
- I think it's... - No one could live in here either.
We're not saying we want to live in here.
Pippi, look.
Yeah? Mum, anything is going to break if you snap it like that.
No, Pippi, it's not.
Oh, Mum, we can't get rid of this.
You're imagining that it's nice.
If we fixed it up a little bit, I will come up here almost every day.
- What would you do here? - And do what?
Homework? Be on my own? I don't know, Niki used to write songs in here.
- Right, Pipsy. - Yeah?
I feel like my dad was just...
He wasn't real, he was just someone I made up.
- Pipsy, hello. - Hello.
I don't actually have any memories of him. I've just heard stories.
And I have made memories, that I wasn't actually there.
Let's see.
I am trying to work out these chords to play on the piano
so I can do my dad's song.
This song is called "A Perfect World."
And it's beautiful.
I think it's because...
my dad had an idea of what a perfect world would be.
And I think that at one point he had that with my mum.
The song's about my mum.
It restores my faith in love and happiness.
It's really nice.
♪ Fall in love with you ♪
♪ Like the beauty in a bird song ♪
♪ A song for you ♪
♪ In a perfect world ♪
♪ The story is told ♪
♪ That a boy meets a girl ♪
Here we go. There's the chickens. What a joy.
They're an absolute joy, they are.
The birds are in full song as usual.
What exciting times, creating a beautiful garden...
giving the children a safe environment.
Kacie, are you excited about your first day of school?
Good. I hope you have a lovely day.
God, not only are they coping, they've videoed the whole bloody thing.
Oh, look at that! Aw.
I remember when we were younger,
we used to put on shows and stuff for Mum and Dad.
We used to put up posters, "Show tonight at 5:00."
- Hello and welcome to today's show. - Aw.
Dad used to go around the table and say what he thought
everyone would be doing when we've grown up.
He always said I was good with a rhythm.
Did Dad want Osborn to be an astronaut?
Daddy, wave at the camera and say, "Yes."
Yes.
I'd like to thank my dad with all my heart.
And the work that he's done. I mean, look.
Right now, I'm walking on the most brilliant mud.
My dad is the best dad in the whole wold.
Tell you what, most kids don't have a dad like mine.
I'm so lucky.
When Mum told us,
you don't know how to take it. You just scream.
The way that the death happened wasn't an accident.
It was, like, his choice.
It might've been a cry for help, which makes me really sad.
'Cause I can just imagine him, being sat down there...
I've constantly gone through the what-ifs that day.
What if I could have run into the woods, maybe tried to find him?
There was a banging at the door. It was the police.
They said, "We just had a call from your husband
saying he was going to kill himself."
- I saw helicopters going around... - Police vehicles arriving...
...ambulances...
I remember the helicopter flying off.
He cut his left wrist and his throat.
I was 16. Pippa was six years old.
We've all got such different memories.
What can we know, that day how Dad killed himself?
Of course our brains are going to make funny stories and make things up.
How can someone just stop being there?
How can my dad just not be?
It was almost like we weren't worth living for.
If your own dad doesn't want to stick around...
then you can't be that great of a person.
I couldn't imagine any days coming after that day.
I felt like we were just gonna be frozen in time there.
Forever.
For years after he died, I always thought it was probably a joke.
That he's not actually gone, he was just pretending.
And that he'll still come back one day.
Like, sometimes I swear I see him in the street,
and I think, "God, is that Dad?"
I don't wish for him to come back now, 'cause I know it's not gonna happen.
But I used to wish all the time that...
he'd come back, or like...
Actually I do still wish. I do.
I sometimes pray at night that he'll come in my dreams or something.
Or that he'll...
Just 'cause there's so many things I want to ask him. And, like...
that I just want to hug him again and hold his hand.
But I can't.
If he was here now, what would you ask him?
Um...
I'd ask him to sing my song.
That he wrote.
Nikita?
Are you helping Mummy make the evening meal?
I didn't always understand what was going on when I was younger.
I think it's part of my autism.
So when people would talk to me,
I'd have to act like I knew what I was saying...
and in my head, I was screaming.
It all just sounded like a big slur.
Give me a really big smile, Lorie. I want to show Mummy and Daddy this.
Oh, Lorie, please give me smile. I want to show Mummy and Daddy.
I know how to portray anger, sadness, depressed, laughter, ecstatic...
But I don't know how to read them.
Nikita and Lorie, Pippa and Osborn have been diagnosed with it.
- Um, my youngest sister. - I'm six years old.
My birthday is...
It's like trying to thread an eye of a needle,
but with really blurry glasses on.
You want to do something so bad, but you just can't do it
'cause there's something holding you back.
Right, Mirie. Give me a smile.
People look at me and say, "Um, you don't act autistic."
Well, a lot of the time I'm trying to just be normal.
- What was that band called? - Ozzy, stop!
♪ Someday, somebody's gonna make you wanna Turn around and say goodbye ♪
Why don't you just let it come naturally when you sing?
- Ozzy... - Stop it!
Ozzy, are you doing this thing or not? No!
You wanted to be in it? No! Are you going to be a performer? No!
Are you a scientist? Maybe! Shut up!
- Osborn? Ozzy? Ozzy? - You know I'm right.
Listen, you do not spend three and a half minutes on stage
just doing this...
No, you don't have to do that. You can move around, walk around.
Okay, let's bump into each other, then.
- But that doesn't look natural. - Osborn!
It's just some choreography!
Every performance you watch is choreographed!
I had just taken a phone call from work!
Breathe in...
Don't breathe on me.
- Pippa, please. - Sorry.
Just take some deep breaths and calm down a bit.
I'm cleaning my room...
because, um, my mum thinks that I have to.
But I think otherwise.
I think that it doesn't actually matter
because one day I'm going to die.
And when I die, it won't matter.
So it shouldn't really matter now.
Recently, I've been thinking about
what actually matters and what's important.
And I think the only important thing is being happy.
Nik, how often a week would you say you paint your nails for?
People don't like thinking about death.
And that's probably why people end up doing things they don't want to do,
because they think that they'll live forever.
And they sort of push death aside 'cause it's taboo.
But it's got to be spoken about.
I'm holding this right now, but I'm gonna put it down in a second.
And then the time when I was holding it will be in the past.
And that was only a couple of seconds ago.
But it's not... it's not happening anymore.
And now, it was here and now it's there.
But it was in my hand and it felt like the present...
but it didn't because I knew that soon it would be down there.
And now I've picked it up again.
And when it was down there, it feels like the past, straight away.
And I think that's quite unusual,
because you never really feel time moving on
until something happens or until something changes.
I feel like we're always living in the past
because the last time we'll ever feel in the present is just as we're dying.
And although right now I still have my future...
when it's over, everything will be the past.
I feel like that's our life. Our life will always be in the past.
Even if something bad happens on a day, I manage to stay happy.
Because once it's happened, it's gone and it's in the past.
Yes, I know. I'm just stressed because I can't stand the house anymore.
- Let's all do it. - Yeah!
Don't stand there moaning at me, just do it.
And you've been moaning in there about that moldy cake.
Fruit decomposes, cake does not decompose.
It goes moldy.
Ozzy, it won't decompose on the tarmac.
It will decompose anywhere, actually.
- Have you seen the lobby? - Yes.
Oh, my God. Whose shoe? Does anyone wear this?
How would I know who one shoe belongs to?
Would you want to go back to living with bare walls and no more Internet?
- No, but we've gone to the other extreme. - Yes, we have.
We went from having nothing to having too much.
And now we can barely breathe.
Like, do we need that many boxes of cereal?
How many of those do you reckon are stale?
And can't be eaten anyway.
None of them are, actually.
I just want you to start listening to me and doing something.
And I'll help you. I've said that.
Will you start listening to me?
I've tried listening to you, Mum.
Kacie, will you start listening to me
when I say I need you to pay for your car, I need you to pay rent?
Yes.
- Will you? - Yes.
Because you don't.
You're quick to attack me.
I'm not attacking you. I want to help you.
It's not doing any of you any good living like this.
It feels like a parallel universe, before he died.
This sounds pathetic, but we didn't have furniture.
And the walls were all the same color.
He didn't like clutter
and he didn't like things being in the house.
So he boxed everything up and put them in containers.
It was all kind of sentimental.
The containers have gone.
Big empty space.
Oh, my God. Looks about...
Looks really weird, you know.
Feels weird.
Dad, can you tell us how you feel?
Dad, tell us how you feel.
I feel you have to accept things like this... Um...
And it's time to move to a different chapter and get the barns organized.
Very, very well said.
There's the barns.
When he died, all the boxes got dropped off here again.
I am now gonna ask three of my sisters
to perform a show.
They are each gonna do something different, but it is gonna be funny.
Please welcome, Mirie Shanks.
She's going to do her famous dancing.
I have an idea that we can maybe
promote everything that you do on my YouTube channel.
In that case, you can make a piece of clothing and I can wear it.
I said to Nikita and Pippa, maybe all three of us could find a tune...
There's a song that all three of us have written.
And I'm really bad at writing, so...
'Cause I'd be just be thinking of the song. I wouldn't be writing.
Your father used to write, um...
He used to play the guitar...
and find something he liked the sound of, musically.
And then write words to it and then do a bit more.
So he would sort of piece them together as he went along.
I'm not very good at writing.
I just always say the same thing.
So that's why I asked Nikita and Pippa to help me.
There's power in being together.
This is why I keep telling you to develop an act as a group.
I'd rather be by myself.
Be on my own and then do, maybe, a few great pieces to put on it.
Okay. I just think you've all got more... a greater chance of success together.
So you don't think we could all make it on our own?
No, I think you can all make it on your own.
I think it would be 100 times easier if you made it as a group first.
- ♪ Say Cuckoo ♪ - ♪ Cuckoo ♪
♪ Cuckoo ♪
- ♪ Regretfully they tell us ♪ - ♪ Cuckoo ♪
- ♪ But firmly they compel us ♪ - ♪ Cuckoo ♪
- ♪ To say goodbye... ♪ - ♪ Cuckoo ♪
♪ To you ♪
You know how Dad used to always play a song every morning at six o'clock?
Please, no one say, "You shouldn't feel like that, Pippa."
But I feel stupid now because I didn't know that.
No, no, no, no, no. It's okay.
You've heard of Stevie Wonder. You've heard us play it, haven't you?
♪ For your love I would do anything ♪
♪ Just to see the smile upon your face ♪
♪ For your love ♪
♪ I would go anywhere ♪
♪ Just you tell me And I'll be right there ♪
Okay, Pippa looks like she's about to cry so I'm just gonna...
- No, I'm okay. - No, I love this song. I love it.
Pippa, think about the positives.
Jamie, I can't. It's not just...
My Internet's gone. But I've got it on my phone.
It's like, it's certain music and films, Jamie, bring back bad memories.
And, you know, that's okay.
Okay, ready?
Losing my dad completely broke my heart.
He was my best friend and my worst enemy, all at the same time.
He was funny.
He always used to make my mum laugh.
He was caring, but there were days where
the sun could be shining and there wouldn't be a cloud in the sky,
but it just felt like the gloomiest, saddest, most tense-filled day.
Dad, smile.
He... he was a scary person.
There's Daddy.
But he was nice as well.
I don't know. He was weird.
He was hard to understand.
When he was in a bad mood, he just wouldn't talk,
and he'd go write in his diary.
I mean, I haven't read it in much detail.
I haven't even read his suicide note, but I'd like to.
It was always getting in the car after school,
and being like, "Mum, is Dad in a good mood or a bad mood?"
'Cause that meant when we got home...
that he'd sit us all down and give us a rant for about four hours.
I'd end up falling asleep on the floor
and then going to bed at 1:00 in the morning.
Please give me that. Sorry, Lorie.
I'm trying to talk on camera to you all so that...
I wanted what I wanted to say to you to be on camera, on tape,
so you'll know in the future how I was thinking and feeling about everything.
You've got to work out how to run your life...
so that I can do what I've got to do.
Jamie is at the most impressionable age
that she's been at since she has been alive.
I'd like two people to be the most influential,
and I want it to be me and Mummy.
I don't want it to be other people who I don't know,
and I don't know what they're saying
and I don't know how they're making Jamie think.
My dad use to have a tendency to, um, keep me up late.
And then obviously,
when it reached a point that I used to stay up late
in order to be able to hear him.
Sort of hear whether or not he was in the house,
whether he was back or whether he was gonna come upstairs...
and have a go at me for some unknown, bizarre reason.
There was a lot of occasions that I would be...
forced to look in the mirror that used to hang 'round the corner.
And he would hold my face.
And he'd tell me that I looked like a crack whore.
I genuinely hate the sight of myself when I have no makeup on.
Euro money?
"I would like to take you to France at the end of July.
Happy birthday. Love, Dad.
I have booked us a week's holiday in France."
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Dad!
I'm going to France. I'm going to France.
- Dad... - I'm going to France!
If I'm honest, I was absolutely petrified.
We were driving this one night in the middle of the countryside in France,
and I mean the middle of nowhere.
All of a sudden, my dad stopped the car down this pitch black country lane.
Suddenly, in that moment, I was like, "Oh, my God. What is about to happen?"
And he said, "Get out of the car."
And he walked me about 20 yards down the road.
And just all of a sudden...
he just said, "Look up."
I've never seen so many stars in all my life.
It was like somebody had just thrown glitter across the sky.
My dad got us to lay down on the middle of this road...
and we lay there and just looked up at all these stars.
Just that 10 to 15 minutes that I got where we were like a father and daughter.
Because of the way Dad was, we weren't very exposed.
I think he wanted us all to be perfect and he thought
if weren't, you know, "out in the wild," if you like,
then we could become that way.
Nikita, are you gonna get in?
We were all going to grow up anyway.
So he couldn't have kept us that way forever.
I think he realized that.
You know, these are old cassette tapes,
but I don't know what's on them all,
so are you sure you all want to watch this?
- Yeah. - You sure?
Yeah.
Even though it's possibly gonna be upsetting?
- Yeah? - Yes.
Is it gonna be really blurry?
I don't know 'cause they're old and...
They're very old cassettes, so I don't know.
That one there. That's Dad.
- Yeah, that's Dad, yeah. - That's him with the children?
Oh, that's me, fat.
Okay, Jamie,
Daddy would like to talk to you for a minute.
Now, it's a year since I interviewed you.
Because it's my birthday tomorrow.
- That's it. - And I'll be five.
Yeah, it's a whole year since we had this little chat, didn't we?
- On video. - Yeah.
- Would you say you're a happy girl? - Yes, I am happy.
- Do you like your life? - Yes.
Well, I've written this one just for you, for your birthday.
Yeah.
Would you like me to sing it to you now? Would you?
Yes.
Okay.
♪ Jamie-Jo, I love you so ♪
♪ You're magic, little girl ♪
♪ You've brightened up this world ♪
♪ With your tenderness Your thoughtfulness ♪
♪ Your special ways and the happy days ♪
♪ You give me, little girl ♪
♪ A star can shine A rose can bloom ♪
♪ And the waves Keep rolling to the shore ♪
Oh.
I don't know. It's... I don't know his real...
Like, I imagined it, like, deeper.
I didn't know he had an accent.
- It's really weird. - Yeah.
I didn't know he had an accent.
It's hard to remember voices. It's so hard to remember voices.
He laughed a lot.
Oh.
I'm going to go and take the camera off Mummy
and then we're going to say goodbye to the camera until next year.
Okay. Chop-chop.
No, it's a wee thing.
What are you thinking, Osborn?
The shed is full of shit.
Too much stuff in here for one family to deal with.
Things that shouldn't have the sentimental value do, and it's...
It makes throwing things away a big hoo-ha.
The past Shanks family made a very big problem for the future Shanks family.
It's like we didn't care about us.
That's a metaphor for our mentality tonight.
Just pushing all of our crap aside for a few days.
Mum, we need a pile in that corner of electrical appliances.
Do you really want to keep it?
- Mum, Mum. - Yeah, Mirie and I were talking...
Do you not remember we got the black one. That one wasn't working.
- Have we? - Yeah, we got the black one.
- What's this? - Textiles.
Look at Lorie.
- Oh, what is that? - Are you gonna put those inside?
I found Dad!
That's where he's been for the past years.
- You silly man. - He's covered in poop.
Wait, who did we bury then?
Ah! Holy crap!
- What? - This is the box I'm thinking of.
But these are all cassettes.
But there aren't any videos in there.
Yeah, but they're Dad's songs, aren't they?
I hope there's "A Perfect World" on here.
- Oh, there will be. - Really?
Yeah, I'm sure there will be.
Okay, I'm gonna spend hours looking through these.
Oh, no, that's from his cabaret days.
- No, I don't. Not sure. - That's so cool.
My dad loved music.
He did Butlins and the West End, and he did all sorts.
- You remember Elvis? Elvis Presley. - Yeah!
He used to play to me all time.
So, I think that's a big influence as to why I want to carry on music.
My dad could have made it and didn't.
And I don't want to make that same mistake.
Ready? And then go again.
I thought I had it. I don't.
♪ Is it a little bit funny? ♪
Close.
Look, my hands aren't big enough to do it.
And mine are just about... Mine are a bit longer.
I'll have to change it.
♪ How long will I love you? ♪
♪ As long as the stars are above you ♪
My dream would be to be on stage.
To not be able see anything but lights in my face.
And then I'd hear a massive roar and clapping
and cheering and flashing lights of the cameras and then...
And then I'd think it'd be over just like that,
'cause you're just enjoying it so much.
But you don't want to dream too high because then it might not come true.
When we were younger, our dad would always say
we'd be going to somewhere, or that we'd do this next year
or this would be happening and then nothing would ever happen.
I think we've all just...
tried not to keep our hopes up so we don't get disappointed ever again.
Oh.
Sunday, 22nd of September.
Friday the 27th. 2nd of October, 11:15...
Christmas Day, 2002, and that's how Santa left the presents last night...
I thought everyone's dad wrote in such detail in diaries.
I didn't think it was anything unusual.
It's recently that I've actually started analyzing them in detail.
He says, "Go back to the real Paul," which is really weird.
Sort of felt like he was changing.
He put a lot of effort into these things
and then all of a sudden he just stops trying.
He just gives up on it.
So, you can see that he sort of gave up on life,
'cause he gave up on writing about it.
I just found Daddy's 2005 diary...
which I thought you might be interested in looking at.
Yeah.
But also the suicide note.
I went into the cabin this morning and had a really good look and I found it.
- Can I see it? - You want to read it?
Yeah.
- Want me to stay while you read it? - I don't mind.
It's not gonna be, like, difficult or anything.
"There are two sets of truths." Is that what that says?
- Yeah. - "Involved"?
- Involved. - "...involved in my opinion.
The truth and Vikie's truth."
He used the wrong "there."
Hmm.
Did he usually do that? Or was that sort of the crazy setting in?
I don't know.
- Could you see it? - Yeah.
In the last couple of weeks I could see it, yeah.
What sort of changed about him?
- The paranoia became... - Did he become more scatty?
He became less certain of what he was saying
and he made mistakes in his diaries, too.
I don't see how he changed so quickly.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
Sure? "To my children, I love you all.
Good luck with life and love from..."
"Good luck with Mum on a long-term basis."
"On a long-term basis." What does PTO mean?
There's something on the other side, but it was nothing in the police...
- I think this is the police photocopy. - I want to know what it says.
I don't want to live my life not knowing what the PTO was.
"I have not wanted the children to go to private school since 2001.
Had they gone to state school at that point,
we would not be in any financial difficulty."
Was it you or Dad that insisted on us going to private school?
It used to rock between the two of us.
- Five re-mortgages? - Yeah.
- Five. - Yeah.
Why?
Well, he spent £10,000 on the barn, £10,000 on the hard court down there.
"Vikie has been well aware of the borrowing that has taken place."
Not all of it.
I think it's quite sad that he had good intentions with all of this,
but it seemed to backfire, considerably.
Wow. That was interesting.
- I feel disillusioned. - Why?
I don’t know.
- Why disillusioned? - I don't know.
Did you imagine it to have more about us in, Kay?
- With what? - I don't know.
- There were two sides to it? - Yeah, of course there were.
- I'm not perfect, Kacie. I'm not a saint. - I didn't say that you did.
Yeah, there are two sides to every story.
- I know. - Yeah.
Can you get the original note back?
I'm gonna try, if they've still got it.
We are going to write "Mum's worries."
Okay?
Mum's worries is going in the box. There we go.
Kacie, go over with Jamie and wave at the worries together.
Bye-bye. Hey.
Paul's behavior was becoming ever more erratic
and I was insisting that we have a six-month break from each other.
And then see if we had a future together.
- Bye. - Bye.
But Paul decided to file for divorce.
The house was sold when Paul died.
I think we were about four weeks away from completion when Paul killed himself.
I remember months after he died, I'd still run downstairs shouting, "Dad,"
like, trying to call for him and then I'd realize he wasn't there.
- Do you remember us doing that? - Yeah.
What if he had followed through with the plan that he had?
Well, then we wouldn't be here, would we, Oz?
Was it planned for him to do that and then kill himself?
Yeah.
No, I don't think we really knew to what extent, like,
Dad was actually in a very dark place.
Two days after my dad had died, three of us found the notepad,
you know, with him talking about how he was going to...
get revenge on my mum, effectively, and kill all of us...
then kill her and then kill himself.
It was very detailed.
His plan was to lock everybody in their bedrooms...
and then bring them down one by one.
Back to my mum.
- All right, darling? - Yeah.
Two or three years before he died,
he suddenly put bolts on the outside of all the doors.
He said it was to keep the cats out.
But just shutting the doors would have kept the cats out.
Things that were odd became normal in our lives.
It was about 18 months after Paul's death that I said to Jamie one day...
"I feel as though I've made this up.
Did we find a pad?"
After a while you question things. You're not sure they're actually real.
I thought it didn't exist.
I thought it had just been me in a state of shock.
And then Kacie shot out of her bedroom,
'cause she'd heard the conversation, and said,
"Oh, my God, I thought I'd made it up as well."
I broke down in tears, I had panic attacks.
I had very increased anxiety after that happened.
She'd just confirmed that actually
what I had believed to be a dream was, in fact, not a dream.
Because I had seen it as well.
Where'd you find this?
They're all the tapes, the home videos.
Did you put it in the wrong way? Is it meant to be that way?
Play.
Turn it up.
♪ To lovely, little lovely Lorie-Lanie ♪
♪ Love gave life to you ♪
♪ Your mummy and your daddy ♪
♪ Really wanted you ♪
♪ You're so contented when we see you Tears well in our eyes ♪
♪ But we don't care They're tears of joy ♪
♪ And joy needs no disguise ♪
♪ 'Cause a life of love gave you to us ♪
♪ Love gave us you, our prize ♪
♪ You're a miracle ♪
♪ Little Mirie-Marie ♪
♪ You were so meant to be ♪
♪ Breathe your life into people ♪
♪ But keep your heart safe and sound ♪
♪ 'Cause whilst there are Many good people ♪
♪ Some will wanna bring you down ♪
♪ Give away your love ♪
♪ But keep your faith ♪
♪ Little Mirie-Marie ♪
Is that the first time you've heard it?
Me, too.
It's like he knew what our personalities were going to be like.
Isn't it weird?
Yeah.
I can’t believe that Dad and you planted this tree when I was born.
It only stood about 12 feet tall, didn't it?
No, less than that. Six?
- When did you plant it? - Twenty-four years ago.
No, you were about three.
About three?
It's a red oak. Oak is known for its strength, isn't it?
- Time goes too fast. - He planted it because it was strong.
- He planted it 'cause it was strong. - Yeah.
It'll live for hundreds of years.
I didn't know that.
My dad did love all of us.
I think I lost touch with that for a little while after he passed away.
I can still remember, the Thursday morning before my dad died...
him having come into my room and he closed the door.
I remember how his hair was falling around his face...
and he just pleaded with me.
He told me that he had nobody left and that I was his last hope.
My response to him was, I looked down...
"Dad, I've gotta get ready for school."
And in that moment, it was like he died.
The man who took himself into the woods that day wasn't my dad.
He was a man that none of us knew.
I really wish that I'd just been a little bit older to understand.
- Hi, Jamie. Hi, Mirie. - Hi, Daddy.
Jamie!
- Has everyone sat down yet? - No, Nik. Chill out, okay?
Is everyone ready for me?
Okay, no one should be eating! That's a rule and everyone knows.
Three, two, one!
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Stop it, guys!
♪ Happy birthday, dear Nikita ♪
Oh, yeah.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
I think we've got worse at singing happy birthday...
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear Nikita ♪
You can have silver, but I'm wearing gold 'cause I'm the birthday girl. Blue?
Lorie, if I have to wear one...
- No, Mummy, put it back on, now! - No, I don't think it would go.
Okay, Jamie, wear a hat, please. Jamie, please wear the hat.
- I will put it back... - Just wear the hat. Be cool.
What? Stop hinting! I hate it!
Nikita. Nikita, we do not want that all day.
Jamie. Jamie, go fuck yourself!
Stop talking about my birthday in front of me.
Okay.
- Ow. - Whoa!
- Guys. - Please stop.
- What would you like? - Everyone to fuck off!
Ozzy?
What the fuck is this?
Oh, no, is this gonna be well received?
- No. I don't think so. - I hope so.
- I just saw this image of it. - Be careful with it. It's very fragile.
Beautiful.
For me, it has to always be the same.
You do it so neatly, too.
It's a tradition.
We have to stick to the same thing.
I don't like that we're all changing and getting older.
It makes me feel sad.
Wait, guys. Just stop.
It just feels like yesterday that we were all still in school.
We were all at the same level.
And I don't like that it's different
'cause it means we're getting old and gonna die soon. And I don't wanna die.
Lorie!
Kacie, this is gonna be the day before my seventh birthday.
Are you very happy?
Yeah.
Are you very happy it's nearly my birthday?
Yeah!
That's really weird, I remember that happening.
This is where I tip over the edge.
Jamie's about to open her MP3 player and I'm opening my CD player.
- Oh, that's great! - I remember when you did that.
- I remember that moment. - I was so mad.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear Daddy ♪
Do you think maybe he did it because we were all tone deaf
and he realized we wouldn't be able to follow his path?
Mum, why didn't we ever realize that he was sad?
- I did. - Yeah, but we didn't.
Because we were kids, Nik.
We didn't have any perception of what other people...
Yeah, but, like, when we were younger, we couldn't see that.
Daddy, look.
- Was he upset on his last birthday? Mum? - I know, I just feel sorry for him.
'Cause every video we've watched, he's been sad
- and we're just running around laughing. - I know.
And we don't realize.
He's not been upset in every video. Some videos he's happy.
- Poppet, you wouldn't be expected to know. - But I was nine.
- How would you know? - How are you to know at nine?
I barely knew and I was 13.
Now when I'm watching it, I just wanna go and hug him.
You've got to remember that
there's no way we could have made him happy.
He was going to be upset no matter what we did.
Yeah, but at least he would have known that we cared.
Yeah, well, we did care. We just didn't know.
What, Daddy?
What is it, Daddy?
He's happy.
What, Daddy?
What is it, Daddy?
- What is it? - Yes, what, Daddy?
What is it?
What's the matter?
What is it, Daddy?
Go! Go, go, go, go.
Dad definitely cared what people thought
about how happy he was all the time.
How he was feeling inside, he masked extremely well.
But only to people outside the family.
He didn't want to believe that there was anything wrong with him.
Even though I think he knew.
How... how can you not?
He was too proud.
♪ The sun will shine ♪
'Cause he thought he was perfect.
Or he wanted to be perfect.
I think that's why he struggled.
He would never have got help. My mum tried for years.
But Mum's the same. Mum's exactly the same.
She... is amazing at covering up the way she genuinely feels.
Oz! Pippa! You up?
Pippi?
Come on.
Pips?
Morning.
Don't.
You've had lots of days, darling.
- Mum. - Come on, sweetheart, good girl.
Mum, you said that if I had bad days that you'd let me...
No, Pippa, you've had so many days off school.
I'm sorry, it's gone too far, sweetheart.
- No, you don't understand. - Take your tablets, please.
- Mum... - Just a little bit.
Pippi, come on, you know this can't go on.
Mummy, I really can't, Mum.
- Little ones, come on. - I can't, Mum. I can't. I really can't.
- Mum, I really can't. - Pip, so when are you going to eat?
Pippa, come on, poppet.
Mum, stop saying things over and over. Mum, it doesn't help.
Go and get your bag 'cause the bus will be here any second.
I said I would give you two days, and then you promised you would eat.
Pippi, it's five days.
Pippa?
Mum, I'm not doing it for attention.
It's not just as simple as just eat breakfast,
just a few mouthfuls.
- Come on. - Okay, see you later, guys.
- Come on, sweetheart. Come on. - Bye, Oz.
Mum, I don't want to go...
It's okay. Come on, I love you.
Will you please not ring the doctor's?
Okay, I won't ring the doctor.
I love you, sweetheart. Bye.
This is not about an eating disorder.
There's something much more problematic and deep-rooted with Pippa.
It's taken seven years since Paul died to not be able to understand it.
And the doctors don't understand it.
And I can't work it out.
Is it something that someone else can uncover?
Or does it need for Pippa to get to the point where she can...
do her own self-discovery...
and find out for herself what the real issue is?
When I was nine, I said to my mum...
"Mum, I don't feel well.
I just don't feel myself."
I miss being me.
Like, I just know that this isn't me.
I don't know. It's really hard to describe.
- Fucking hell. - What?
Oh, my goodness, Mum.
- How do you live in here? - I don't know.
- It makes me want to cry. - I know.
It's got worse.
You're a hoarder.
Yeah, I don't know if I agree with that.
Mum, look at your bed.
Yeah, well, it's because I knit in bed and so I keep all my wool handy and...
- That was a few days ago. - Just keeping it handy?
- A Minnie Mouse dog outfit? - That's for Darcy.
I'm making that for Jo.
A handbag? Just in case you need to go somewhere in the night, Mum?
No, I used it to go out and haven't put it back.
- Do you have one in here? - No.
- I'll go and get a hairbrush. - Well, even if you did...
- I'll go and get my... - ...there'd be no way of finding it.
I'm not proud of myself and I'm not happy.
- So change it. - Yeah.
Hey, Oz, look.
"Just a little kindness is all this sad world needs."
Oh.
- Kacie? - Yes?
Is this what we used for the confetti for Daddy's funeral?
Do you want to keep that, Mum?
Look, there's a little...
How cute were we, Mum? Look how lovely that is.
It's a bunny rabbit.
- I don't know what that is. A gnome? - A little Santa or a gnome?
It's okay, Mum.
I'll put that somewhere safe.
- It was a nice idea, though, wasn't it? - It was.
I'm glad I did that.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Why are you sorry, Mum? Mum, this is all good.
This is a nice thing. How lovely.
I'm gonna take this away now, okay?
- Sorry. - It's okay, Mum.
Thank you.
I think it's quite suited me, in a way, not to have to face my own emotions.
Now that the kids are growing up, I'm...
I'm starting to have enough brain space
to start thinking about how I feel.
- Yeah. - Thank you.
Right.
I wanted them to have a proper childhood, a happy one.
I just wish I could have protected them more
from a lot of the things that they were subjected to.
In RE today, it ended up being, like, a giant discussion.
What did you talk about today?
Uh, evidence of the afterlife.
My idea of reincarnation is that we die...
we finish any unfinished business.
We can stay and haunt our family for a bit.
And as soon as you're done, you don't go to heaven 'cause that's a waste of time.
That's just lounging about in a cloud.
You go and you're just... you're born again.
Here it is.
When my dad passed away...
my mum found all of these coping strategies.
There was one where we wrote a note to our dad.
"To Dad. I have missed you.
We love you and I still don't know why you killed yourself.
I cry every night and I'd kill myself just to see you.
I really miss you.
I don't know. Love from Pippa."
I think my dad, he had a split personality.
On one side, he loved us, and he didn't want any harm to come to us.
In fact, he protected us almost too much.
On the other side, he was trapped in his own mind.
I think that's how he felt.
And he had a plan that he would kill us all.
And I just think...
in his right mind, the mind that loved us,
he thought, "I don't wanna do that to my family. I love my family."
So, to protect us, he killed himself.
So that he didn't kill us.
And I don't really care whether people think that that's true or not,
or whether that's stupid.
It just, um...
It puts my mind at ease.
- Hello. - Last day.
Pip, you know this is gonna be you in two years' time?
Yeah.
- Are you gonna miss it? - No.
Not even, like, a tiny bit?
Maybe, like, a tiny, tiny bit.
And, like, I'll be going to a job that I probably want to do
and I'll be getting paid for it.
You've got to go to college first.
Yeah, but I'll have a job. And at college, I'll be doing what I want to do.
How do you know you'll have a job? The economy is not doing very well.
Oh, I can't believe it's your last day.
Give me a hug.
It might be all right for you, but I'm really struggling.
Mum, it's always gonna be sad when people leave school.
Mmm.
Shit gets real after school, doesn't it?
Remember when we used to pretend that we were super stars?
Yeah.
We always had big dreams,
and now that we're older, it feels like, "Oh, it's hard."
You can't just snap your fingers and everything just happens.
You've gotta proper work for it.
- And, like, doubting yourself. - Yeah.
- Do you get that? - Yeah.
♪ When I was young I dealt in fantasy and dreams ♪
♪ The grass was greener where I stood ♪
♪ If I tried to fly, I could ♪
♪ With magic Magic children have within their souls ♪
Yeah, I want the whole top from sleeve to sleeve.
♪ It's tragic The logic we apply when we get old ♪
♪ I used to fly away ♪
♪ Fly away, fly away Fly away, fly away... ♪
Can I hang it up in here?
Yeah. Are you not gonna get dressed?
I've always wanted to be a fashion designer.
I know that's over ambitious.
I always think about having my own show...
constantly, especially when I'm going to sleep.
And when I wake up...
I think of my own show, and I'm like, "Ah..."
But then again, someone has to be the next Vivienne Westwood,
so why can't I be the next Vivienne Westwood?
It's worth a try.
"Ed equals swag," apparently.
What is this swag that they speak of?
- You got a girlfriend? - Yeah. Her name's Sarah.
- How did you meet her? - Through the autism group.
Well, before I met her, I thought she was gonna be really weird.
And then when I met her, I was quite surprised.
'Cause she was weird, but not, like, a weird sort of weird.
She was just different, but it was good.
Have you fallen in love?
What a weird question.
Yeah, I guess so.
I think love for another person, though, is the weirdest
because you have moments where you want to hug them,
but then you have moments when you want to have sex with them,
and I find that really unusual.
I think it's also hard for me, because of my autism,
to know what I'm actually feeling.
Yeah. Exactly.
'Cause I've had a tendency to mistake emotions for each other.
I can't say to you, "Yes, you're in love."
I know you're besotted,
but whether you're in love with Sarah is another matter.
'Cause the way I see it is,
I don't think I'd ever find someone who's better suited for me.
Not at the moment, but you're only 16.
- It's another level. - Have you ever been in love, then?
Yeah, I was in love with Daddy.
How long did that last for?
Well, did you ever, sort of... fall out of it?
I suppose our relationship went from being in love
to being more of a companion relationship.
So I still loved him, but it was becoming impossible to live with him.
♪ Dreaming, dreaming ♪
♪ Dreaming of the way we used to be ♪
- You look wonderful. - Thank you.
You look absolutely wonderful.
Vikie, you're ever so photogenic, aren't you?
- Am I? - Oh, yeah.
You always look good on camera. Always.
Pippa! Pippa, there.
You are a very beautiful woman.
♪ We could reminisce forevermore ♪
We have invested a considerable amount of time and money.
- Was that Daddy? - Yeah, I think so.
Hi, Vikie. It's Paul.
Vikie, it's Paul.
I'd like to speak to you.
♪ World ♪
♪ You keep spinning around ♪
♪ Giving us life without making a sound ♪
Eight years today since he died.
That's sad.
I think people don't understand that.
It's been eight years, but we've only had to...
like, relive this day eight times since it happened.
Which isn't many, really.
It always feels like it happened yesterday.
But he feels like he's getting further away.
But the day feels... The day was always yesterday.
When we went to Minehead Beach...
the last time we'd go on holiday with him...
we made this sandcastle.
I loved the castle at beach today.
And then Dad was like, "Let's take photos! Let's take photos!"
Excuse me, everybody.
Excuse me, but if we could just... If you could just...
- We could all get in. - It was really lovely...
At least two of us stand here...
...'cause he was different on holiday.
He was nothing but fun.
Dad, why are you recording?
Because this will never happen again and I'm recording...
Smile, guys, you're on camera!
You're disowned. I disown you.
I've only just started.
I disown you.
I think it's sad that he's missed so much.
Mmm...
- Pip! I found the contract! - Fuckin'... No!
- I found the contract! - No!
"This deal was made when Pippa wanted some Hubba Bubba."
- Signed... - Signed Pippa-Peita...
I spelt it... Do you know why I spelt it wrong, Nik?
- Why? - 'Cause then I thought
if it ever went to court,
- they couldn't use it. - Are you serious?
They couldn't do me for it 'cause I'd signed it wrong.
This is brilliant. I love this.
Oh, things I do 'cause of my autism.
"I get upset over little things.
I repeat myself."
I repeat myself.
I repeat myself. I don't... I'm joking.
"I know you left for a reason."
- No, it's about Dad. It's about Dad. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
"When the rain touches my face, it's like you're touching me, too.
My heart beats with a race, like I'm here right next to you.
I used to think you'd come back, but that was only in my dreams.
Now all those years of waiting, you never returned back from the stream."
Oh, shit.
Sad, isn't it?
And you weren't listening to me and laughing about something else.
I hope you feel bad.
- What? - Hug me.
- Ew, why? - I wanna hug you. Please.
- I love you. - I love you.
♪ Remember when you'd watch us grow ♪
♪ And we'd perform our show ♪
Fuck.
What did Dad used to always... Like, what did he always used to say?
"One day we'll all fly away to paradise."
No, just "fly away to paradise."
The chorus should be something like... Daily reminiscing?
Yeah.
How do you spell "reminiscing"?
R-E...
- You're guessing, aren't you? - Yeah.
Well, do you think there...
She'll reach a point where she thinks she has made a mistake?
- I think... - How long has it been?
- Since we haven't spoken? - Mmm.
Two days.
I think it needs a bit longer than that.
Yeah, I know that. But what I'm saying is...
- Mum, seriously. Mum, listen. - I know.
I think seven months is too long to not give it another try.
And if tonight she came over or messaged me,
and said she wanted another chance, I'd probably say yes.
- At this point. - Mmm-hmm.
Because you don't want the relationship to die or...
It's about what you want.
You can't control what other people do.
♪ Wish we could turn back time To the good old days ♪
♪ When our momma sang us to sleep But now we're stressed out ♪
How is being 15, Pippa?
Like, the sugarcoated answer or, like, the brutally honest?
- The brutally honest answer. - Absolutely shit.
Got a lot of...
Bit of stuff going on and it's just...
Don't know.
Right now, all I want to do is spend time with my family.
And laugh and smile, just like everyone else.
But I can't because there's something swallowing me.
It's like your chest is a black hole and it's just...
Your body is just melting into it.
You think about all the things that you're leaving behind.
Your family, your friends, upcoming events.
Silly things like that.
But then if you don't do it, you'll have to wake up another day.
You'll have to face all of these things another day.
And it counteracts and you just think, "It's not worth it. I can't do it."
I think that's how my dad felt, most likely.
I do worry that I have...
I'm similar to my dad.
It's not so much a worry that he was a bad person,
it's just, you know, the monsters inside his head...
that I'm afraid are going to be passed down onto me and I'm...
That's a very scary thought...
because they're scary monsters.
Could somebody get me some toilet roll?
What about putting this on?
Nikita is having a Halloween party thing with all of her college friends.
Osborn!
Mum, is this a good party?
- It's a brilliant party! - Okay.
It's fantastic.
- A room full of people having fun? - Chaos.
Nik, why did people think you were a bitch?
Yeah, at the beginning of last year,
people thought I was a bitch and really stuck up and stuff.
I don't know what people think about me. I have literally no idea.
- I think it's 'cause I'm posh, as well. - Trust me.
- Shall I say what everyone thinks? - No.
They think you're hot and that you're really cool.
Oh, cool.
- Do you think he's hot? Aw. - Yeah. He is hot.
How come you didn't invite any of your friends?
'Cause I don't have any friends.
- It's fine. - Are you serious?
Yeah.
But I'm your friend, and I came.
Yeah, but I didn't invite you. So...
Awkward. Okay.
Okay.
- Jamie, run! - Jamie, why aren't you running? Come on!
Welcome on a chilly evening to Coventry Cathedral.
It's really exciting that we're the venue
for the first ever Coventry Charity talent competition.
Guys, before we do it,
I'm really happy I'm performing with you guys.
This is, like, a dream come true.
♪ I know there's pain ♪
♪ Why do lock yourselves up In these chains? ♪
♪ Just open your heart and your mind ♪
♪ Is it really fair to feel... ♪
Watching Nikita in the show last night...
I suddenly looked at her in a way I've never looked at her before.
And then looked at all the children.
And all of them are all half me.
And the next thought was, "Well, they're half Paul."
I don't know how I feel about Paul anymore.
He left me with a situation, and I've done the best I can, but...
I don't know, I almost feel no emotion.
But, kind of, last night, I thought...
You know, actually, he couldn't have left me with any...
any greater gift than the children.
And without him, I wouldn't have them.
And without them, I don't know who I'd be.
We have to think of a word that could be...
- That we could use for the future. - Soon?
All right.
How about, "One day the open bleeding wound he left us with
will soon be a faded scar."
Or, "One day the bleeding... the open bleeding wound..."
- "The open dripping wound..." - No!
- "One day the... massacre." - Guys, you cannot write lyrics.
I think we should throw in the wanting him to see how far we've come.
Like, that we've achieved the dreams.
We're not there yet.
'Cause this is what we're hoping to achieve in the future.
Mum!
Do you want me?
Happy Mother's Day!
Oh, my babies. Aw.
- Thank you. Oh, thank you. - Thank you.
That's all right.
- She took it out of the flower pot. - I don't care.
She took it out of the pot.
I'm so sorry.
- I had nothing to do with this. - Thank you, Osborn.
Is that from you?
I didn't think she was gonna cry.
I'm sorry, Mummy. I only put seven pounds in.
Thank you for all being the most wonderful children on the planet.
Today's lesson is all about repairing glass doors.
How did you find out you were autistic? Just quickly.
You told me. I was about four-five.
I just remember, it's just always been a part of our lives.
People think that people with autism lack in empathy.
But I think it's, sometimes, actually the complete opposite.
And that they have so much empathy that they don't know how to deal with it.
♪ Do you want us to cry? ♪
Oh, hello. I just spoke to someone regarding some evidence.
It was my husband's suicide note that was held by the police,
that I've never had access to the original.
'Cause there's a PTO on one of the pages
that we've never actually been able to see.
Okay.
It's annoying, isn't it?
You try and do something, and you just come against a brick wall.
I think that whenever you move,
it's obviously, like... I've not experienced it before.
But you gotta be, like,
"Right, what do I want to take with me
and what do I not really mind so much letting go of."
"Three months and two weeks ago,
my dad committed suicide, and it's left my whole family heartbroken.
The day before he died, I said, 'Life couldn't get any worse.'
How wrong I was.
Sometimes I wonder why life is so complex.
We all ask questions and we come no closer to the answers we want,
and, more importantly, need."
Jamie, what were you saying to me
about you felt as though last year went quickly?
What I was saying is that...
it feels like that you've only been how old you are for five days.
That's what I meant.
Now you've, you know... You feel like you haven't been...
...seven for a year. You've been seven for five days.
Yes, I know what you mean.
It's not like I'm saying goodbye forever, but...
it's just, like, it's officially happening.
Moving on to the next phase.
In ten years' time, when you look back on this part of your life...
what do you think you'll say to yourself?
I don't know. I can't see that far into the future.
I don't really see anything above 16.
Okay.
I feel like my life's stopped being written.
Will you feel better once you know what's happening?
I'm just numb.
Even when I feel happy, I don't... I can't feel it.
I just feel numb, and my head just feels numb.
- Bye, guys. - Bye, Miz.
- Bye, sweetheart. - Nice makeup, by the way.
- Okay. Love you, darling. Bye. - Drive safely, Mirie.
- Bye, Mum. I love you both. - I love you.
Is there anything that would make you feel better?
Not really, no.
Part of me just wants to sleep.
But a part of me...
doesn't know what to do.
I almost wish that if I had it my way, none of you would know.
And I'd be able to get the help without any of you knowing.
'Cause it just feels so uncomfortable, and I'm just embarrassed that...
But don't be embarrassed, Pippa.
- It's an illness, it's not... - I know, but...
I'm putting the family through some shit. And some of you don't...
Like, and it's not your fault, but they don't understand that
I can't help it.
You hope that you've brought them up to treasure life.
That's your job as a parent.
It's the last thing I want, but she does need to be in hospital.
What are you doing?
I was just putting things in here.
- It's not the same without her, is it? - No.
You all take a different thing away with you.
Pippa, it's like that sparky-ness has gone.
What do I take away with me?
"Sorry."
It just says sorry.
There's blood.
- Yeah. - Okay.
So, like, a few weeks ago, I wrote one poem.
Can I see it?
Don't read it out loud. And don't move your lips.
- And don't, like, look at me. - I won't read it out or look at you.
The theme was wonder,
and I did it more on the topic of being abandoned...
sort of the feelings that go with being left by someone and...
the sort of wondering about whether they feel the same way you do
and whether it's the same story on both sides.
Everything in my life,
the one thing that I couldn't control in regards to my emotions
was having my heart broken.
And no song, no poem, no movie
can ever describe to a person how much it hurts.
I think it has made me understand maybe why Mum stayed with Dad,
even when things got difficult.
'Cause I have found that when it was getting difficult,
I still wanted to carry on.
When I really feel over it, I'll get the answers I'm looking for.
Well, I'll either get the answers I'm looking for,
or I won't even want answers anymore.
But I already know, either way, it doesn't matter, does it?
As long as one of them happens, I'll be happy.
Today, we have a family therapy team
coming over to have a meeting or a session with all of us
to talk about...
...mostly the day that Paul died.
To try and help Pippa, really,
to come to terms with that day and how everyone felt and how she felt
and what she remembers from it,
because she was only six.
We talk about that day a lot.
But we've never, actually, all of us spoken, as a family.
We can fit 13 people here.
It was a group experience but it was also a very individual experience,
and it was Pippa herself who asked for it.
Are we talking about this day as if it happened yesterday?
I think that year is such a blank because Paul was...
- It was a very strange year. - I left preschool that year.
- Did you? - It's funny...
- That was real. - Forgot about that until just now!
I don't ever go inside.
We didn't imagine that happening. That did happen.
I remember Mum saying, "You know Dad's been ill."
And then you were like, "I'm so sorry." And you started crying.
I just was sad.
Waking up the next day thinking it was a dream.
I don't remember hitting Mum's car. Was I hitting Mum's car?
Going back to school and...
people were pretending to slit their wrists 'cause they knew.
It was in the paper.
I felt like I had to cry 'cause you kept passing me tissues.
I wasn't really crying.
I was pretending to cry because I wanted to be involved.
We all have things in that day that, you know, if, if, if...
But it's what did happen that we should try and focus on
because the ifs will just mess you up.
As long as we stand together, we're okay.
It's so useful because we've never done this.
We've never heard everyone's individual story
and I think it's really good.
Pipsy? Hello!
- Hi! - Is it gonna make her upset?
No, this will make her happy,
'cause she thought she had a bad relationship with Dad,
but we're showing her all the bits that are good.
She's so cute.
I tell you what, I just want her to be her natural self.
How are you doing now, Pippa?
Do you know what? I think every time you've asked me that question,
I've always said, "Pretty shit."
But this one, I think, like...
I'm actually okay.
And I feel as though...
I'm on the right track for, like, the first time in my life.
I've been in hospital almost six months.
I'm doing better,
but I'm not getting discharged anytime soon.
I don't know.
It is so hard to acknowledge that something's wrong.
Because you can't admit it to yourself. You're like, "No, I'm fine."
I don't think that you'll ever know what you need.
I think that's a decision you need someone else to make for you.
You know, people die from not accepting help.
You know, and we've all experienced that firsthand.
Oh, my God.
With death, it's difficult because...
I could live my life being angry at my dad and never forgive him.
But all that means is that I'm just gonna be an angry person all the time.
Whereas I want to feel happiness and freedom and peace and love.
- Am I gonna die up here? - Yeah, the thing is cursed.
I dare you to jump. Jump!
I'm still just as wimpy as I used to be.
- Nothing has changed. - Nothing's changed, Pip!
You can do it, girls!
Come on, Mirie!
That's it! Don't give up!
I think we're very lucky to have had the life we've had.
Being able to play in the land, and having so many siblings, and just...
There's a lot of happy memories, and I think that's a sign
of a very lucky upbringing.
Bad things happen, but...
holding on to the happy memories, but...
letting the bad ones help you move forward.
And helping you to learn for different situations that happen in life.
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Remember when ♪
♪ We'd dance around And we would fall to the ground ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Remember when ♪
♪ Today will be a memory ♪
♪ The same way we're remembering ♪
♪ And I will see ♪
♪ And I will see the seasons Come and go... ♪
I'm about to break the fourth wall.
♪ The way the time unfolds... ♪
Pippa, do you wanna break the fourth wall with me?
It's not for everyone.
♪ And I will fly, and I will fly away ♪
♪ I'll fly away to paradise ♪
♪ The way the time unfolds Watch my wings grow ♪
♪ Times are hard, but spirits high ♪
♪ A love that's strong Unbreakable bonds ♪
♪ We've grown together in different ways ♪
♪ We think of you and how you'd say ♪
♪ Today will be a memory ♪
♪ The same way we're remembering ♪
♪ And I will see ♪
♪ And I will see the seasons come and go They come and go ♪
♪ The way the time unfolds ♪
♪ Watch my wings grow ♪
♪ And I will fly ♪
♪ And I will fly away I'll fly away to paradise ♪
♪ The way the time unfolds ♪
♪ Watch my wings grow ♪
♪ The way the time unfolds ♪
♪ Watch my wings grow ♪