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How are you all?
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My name is Joe Mande.
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I am a comedian, and in two weeks,
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I shot my first
special one hour comedy.
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Sounds stupid to some people,
but I consider comedy very serious .
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We forgot the pizza sent by Domino.
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That's funny.
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This is my life.
I eat, breathe,
poop comedy and make love.
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That's why this is special
is a big problem for me.
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I have to do it right, and I think
if I can fulfill my potential....
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I can win the American Humor Award.
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This is the most prestigious award in comedy.
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All of these industry legends
have won:
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Whoopi Goldberg, Seinfeld, Todd Barry.
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This list continues.
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And as you can see, I made some spaces
here on my bookshelf
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for the American Humor Award trophy.
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It's kind of lonely there now,
but that looks good.
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Well, thank you for meeting me, friend.
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I think, because we are friends and you
both of them have won the American Humor Award,
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I think I can
a little quick advice from you.
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You think you can win Americans.
Humor Award in your first special?
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- Um, yeah.
- He has a personality, first of all.
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When he walks out,
everyone will like it.
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Judges will like it.
Are you aware of a judge?
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But the judges...
This is not just about him and his material.
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This is a design that is set, it's the wardrobe.
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Intro is very big for the judges .
Do you know the judge will be there?
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I just need to know what to do
to win.
What is the process?
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This is what judges want
from the intro.
Real.
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Smart, smart.
Yes.
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- You shot in New York? < br /> - Right.
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Black-white, slow-mo,
city shots.
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You and the city and people
and traffic and...
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- Yes
- All that crap, like a hot dog cart.
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- Yeah
Taxi.
- Horse.
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So really just emphasizing
that I'm in New York.
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- You're a Jew, right?
- I'm Jewish, huh.
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- Damn.
- All right.
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- You need ten resting applause.
- At least ten.
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- And you can't give them too close a distance.
- Ten applauses...
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- Right.
- Dear God.
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- And most importantly.
- Director.
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- Director.
Good .
- Make sure you get...
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the best you can get.
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Who do you know?
Who do you use?
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I was thinking about getting my friend Dan.
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- Who is that and?
- Your friend and?
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He did a pilot last year.
I heard that's good.
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- I don't think so.
- This will sound evil.
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You're nobody, you're nothing,
you kind of shit.
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- That seems evil.
Yes.
- That's evil.
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You have to get it
a director who has a name.
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Okay, I need a famous director.
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- Yes
-1964.
I won.
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It was the first time I won.
I have a very famous director.
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Joel Schumacher.
You may have heard of him.
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Because I have done Batman Forever with him.
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-1984, Kevin Costner directed him.
- Damn.
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And 2004... McG?
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- Of course.
- McG, yes.
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- McG directs you specifically?
- Legendary.
Yes.
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Look, working with McG, man,
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he lets you do what you want to do,
have fun, and he loves to laugh.
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- Can I get McG, do you think?
- You get everything you need.
You don't need us.
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You will be fine,
and if not, who cares?
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Are you okay?
I've never seen you miss like that before.
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I was really disturbed. < br /> I'm sorry
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I'm filming my special next week,
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and I still haven't found
a famous director.
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- Oh Man, that's annoying.
- Yes
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I've asked everyone.
I've asked Ang Lee, Michael Bay.
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Even Wachowskis did it, like,
some crazy, like, trans futuristic things.
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They don't like it.
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How do you even, like,
relate to those people?
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It doesn't look like a very good system.
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Very?
What is e- mail you again?
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I don't know what's wrong
with these people.
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It doesn't seem too difficult
to direct special stand-up.
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How will I do it, only two cameras,
one close, one head-to-finger feet.
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Put one on the jib,
just let it rock and roll.
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- Sure.
- You know?
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You don't need famous people
to direct you specifically.
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Dude, you're right.
I don't really need it
famous people are there.
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Yah, bukan itu yang saya katakan.
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No, exactly as you said,
and that's great.
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I will say
Roman Polanski directs my specialty.
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I don't think it's an idea good, friend.
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That's your idea, and I appreciate it.
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It's a lie.
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- He can sue you.
- Oh, my God, I hope he will sue me.
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Are you kidding me?
He must go back to America.
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He will be arrested.
I am a national hero.
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Please promise me, for my sake,
please, don't do this.
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Blake, look, man.
You are my friend.
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- You know that.
- That's right.
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- I won't do it.
- Thank you.
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- Maybe it will only upset people. < br /> - Exac... Thank you.
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Hey, I've been wanting to ask you a long time, um...
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Do you think
maybe I can shoot in a few days?
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- What do you think we are doing here?
- You're right.
That's stupid.
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p>
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- Yes
- Good.
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Here you go.
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Wow.
Still understand, friend.
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I know you have it.
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Can't wait to see something special.
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Oh, I saw it, I saw it.
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Hi, Joe.
Uh, your show starts in two minutes.
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Cursing.
I think you can say this is my time.
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♪ I'm better than everything
I'm better than everyone ♪
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♪ I'm better than everyone
Be quiet ♪
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♪ I'm better than everyone
I'm better than everyone ♪
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♪ Gills on my neck, bitch
Call me Kevin Costner ♪
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♪ Crazy because I'm dead, ho
Call me Laura Palmer ♪
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Thank you .
Thank you.
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Damn it.
Man, come on.
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New York, thank you.
Cool.
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Not predictable.
People stand dissatisfied.
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Mark it.
Thank you for coming.
Damn it.
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New York , how are everyone?
Good?
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It's great to be here.
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Um... So I, uh, look,
I'm ethnically ambiguous.
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Whoo
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No one knows exactly who I am.
This is interesting.
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And I grew up... I've lived in the city big city
most of my life,
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and what I've learned is that,
wherever I am,
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people just sort of assume
I'm one of them.
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Does that make sense?
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I used to live in Brooklyn very,
like, the Puerto Rican neighborhood ,
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and all the time I lived there,
everyone thought I was Puerto Rican.
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I have a pit bull,
so that helps, you know .
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But if anyone tries
to get my attention on the road,
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they will be like, "Hey, bro! Papi!"
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And I will turn
all confused like, "What?
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I?
Do you think I'm complacent?
No no no.
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You're wrong understand.
I'm the furthest thing from papi. "
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Listen to how I say bro.
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Uh, about four years ago,
I moved to Los Angeles .
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I moved to the neighborhood
called Little Armenia.
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So everyone thinks I'm a little Armenian,
which...
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I don't know, that alright.
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One of my best friends in Los Angeles
is a black woman.
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Not to brag.
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We have become partners work for years,
and he just told me recently
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that for the first six months
we worked together,
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he thought I was black
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Do you understand?
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A black woman like,
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"Yes, I think you
a black man with light skin."
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And I look at it, I'm like,
"Aisha, actually...
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that's the best thing
ever told me."
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I am a 33-year-old Jewish man.
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That's all I've ever wanted in my life
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is a bright moment with black people
where they are confused like,
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"What? You don't...
I thought you were black. "
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Like, the confetti cannon exploded behind me.
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Lo's" Luchini "camp started playing.
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It was a black song .
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I married about a year and a half ago
to a human woman.
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Thank you.
Doing it.
Doing it.
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Um...
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The problem is, before we get married,
my wife and I, we date...
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"date" for more than ten years .
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Dear God.
Yes I know.
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It's too long.
I was told it was too long.
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I don't know what my agreement.
I dragged my foot.
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I have no reason other than
I tend to overestimate something,
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and whenever she is married
in a conversation,
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I will be like,
"Well, why is the government
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Does anyone say if we love each other?"
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I, like, that bastard.
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But then I wake up one morning
a few years ago,
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I looked at it, I was like,
"I like this person.
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I want to spend
the rest of my life with him,
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and I don't want to risk losing him
and again using a condom. "
180
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No, not at all.
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So that's my application.
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He said yes.
183
00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:17,223
One of our favorite things to done
when we first started dating years ago
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00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:20,309
is that we will go home
and watch dating shows.
185
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,520
That, like, our things, and, uh,
186
00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:25,356
I think of my favorite TV shows of all time ,
I don't know if anyone remembers it,
187
00:09:25,439 --> 00:09:28,067
is a MTV dating program called Next.
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00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:29,819
Yes.
189
00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:31,529
Some Next - heads up people.
190
00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:35,783
Not only, for me, that's all
the best TV shows of all time,
191
00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:38,369
I think, actually,
that was the peak of humanity.
192
00:09:38,452 --> 00:09:42,248
Like, you can't tell me that
things are getting better because Next is canceled.
193
00:09:42,331 --> 00:09:44,333
Everything is gone, like,
straight to the toilet.
194
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:46,669
Next the best.
If you are not a family...
195
00:09:48,337 --> 00:09:51,257
Next is a dating event
on Music Television...
196
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:53,467
and how it works
197
00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,636
MTV will find, like,
a young girl 19 years old.
198
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,555
She will be like, "Hi, my name is Crystal.
199
00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:59,974
I am 19 years old,
and I'm looking for a husband. ”
200
00:10:03,477 --> 00:10:06,272
And MTV will be like,
" Crystal, good news.
201
00:10:06,355 --> 00:10:09,358
We found three people.
They are perfect husband's ingredients.
202
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,360
They are all publishers from San Diego. "
203
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:15,698
" And they have all been pounding
the vodka feeling
204
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:18,409
behind this party bus
all afternoon. "
205
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:21,162
And the party bus will stop,
206
00:10:21,245 --> 00:10:23,414
and the first announcer
will go down the stairs and be like,
207
00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:25,750
"What's wrong? I wear flip-flops. "
208
00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:31,547
And then Crystal and Deejay Flip-Flops,
209
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,674
eh, mereka akan berkencan, kan?
210
00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:37,303
And the date next, it will be, like, 3 pm,
211
00:10:37,386 --> 00:10:39,055
Van Nuys, California.
212
00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:42,725
These two idiots
will walk to the candy shop.
213
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,770
Right?
And make, like,
anal beads from Skittles.
214
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:48,648
You know, like a date.
215
00:10:51,525 --> 00:10:54,278
What what usually happens is that Crystal is
and Deejay Flip-Flops,
216
00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:56,197
there is no connection,
he doesn't like it,
217
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,491
he uses too many yellow Skittles.
218
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:04,830
And at any time, he can stand up,
directly to his face and go, "Next!"
219
00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:09,335
It's embarrassing, right?
220
00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:11,295
This poor man have to get up,
221
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:15,591
like, calmly walk back on the party bus
and be like, "I have & apos; next." "
222
00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:19,095
Then the second announcer will jump,
go down the stairs and be like,
223
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:21,180
"What's wrong? I'm wearing cargo shorts."
224
00:11:23,974 --> 00:11:27,812
And then Crystal and Deejay Cargo Shorts
will go on a completely different date.
225
00:11:27,895 --> 00:11:31,982
This will be, like, 4:30 a.m. ,> Van Nuys, California.
226
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:35,403
They will cross the street
for, like, a day spa
227
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:37,530
and, like, wax each pubic hair.
228
00:11:38,447 --> 00:11:39,532
Dating.
229
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,827
What makes the event extraordinary
230
00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:47,581
sometimes Crystal
will capture feelings for the announcer,
231
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:50,167
and instead of shouting "Next"
to his face,
232
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:52,586
he will go like this, he will like,
"Um, Deejay Cargo Shorts,
233
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:55,089
p>
234
00:11:55,172 --> 00:11:58,926
I just feel like we have
a very strong connection.
235
00:11:59,009 --> 00:12:00,678
So I will stop this date,
and you have to make a decision.
236
00:12:00,761 --> 00:12:04,098
with one dollar
for every minute we are together...
237
00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:08,686
So you can go with, literally, $ 37. "
238
00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:17,736
" Or you can go home with me
and go on a second date. "
239
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:20,489
That's when dirt gets good,
240
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,825
Because suddenly the perspective
of the whole show
241
00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:26,078
turning to Deejay Cargo Shorts
perspective and puzzle,
242
00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:28,747
like, "Damn, did I take $ 37...
243
00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:32,042
or try to make my cock wet?"
244
00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:36,630
The best performances of all time.
There are no questions.
245
00:12:40,384 --> 00:12:42,887
Like I said, I dated my wife...
now my wife...
246
00:12:42,970 --> 00:12:45,598
p>
247
00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:48,309
I dated him for more than ten years.
248
00:12:48,392 --> 00:12:53,606
I pretend to be in my head, we are in
just an endless episode of Next, right?
249
00:12:54,231 --> 00:12:56,317
And anytime,
we will date,
250
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,569
It's like a fancy place like Chipotle, right?
251
00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:02,448
And I'll be like, "Kylie, look.
I like the way you eat...
252
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:06,911
the burrito bowl,
So I will stop this date now.
253
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:08,496
You have to make a decision.
254
00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:11,373
You can go now too
255
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:14,168
with one dollar for every minute < br /> we are together...
256
00:13:14,668 --> 00:13:19,048
which at this point, literally,
five and a half million dollars. "
257
00:13:23,719 --> 00:13:28,224
" Or you can go home with me,
/> watch me experience a panic attack every night. "
258
00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:35,189
A difficult choice.
259
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,652
My wife is cool.
She, uh...
260
00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:43,781
We live in LA, but he came here
to New York a lot for work,
261
00:13:43,864 --> 00:13:45,824
and, uh, a few years ago,
262
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:50,788
he was here in New York work,
and I am in Los Angeles wake up.
263
00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:56,210
I am alone at home, I get up from bed,
I look down,
264
00:13:56,293 --> 00:14:00,589
and I have the strongest
morning wood I've ever had in my life.
265
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:03,342
That's crazy.
You should see it.
Hardly... I looked down. ..
266
00:14:03,425 --> 00:14:05,427
I like, loudly, "What?
267
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:07,846
Like, it's good because it gets.
268
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,015
That is my Helen Hunt."
269
00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:15,145
>
270
00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:17,982
So... I never did this,
271
00:14:18,065 --> 00:14:19,859
but I ran, I took my cellphone,
I took the photo.
272
00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:22,778
Never do that.
Never send a pic of a dick.
273
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:25,281
Never...
You know, I don't know the etiquette.
274
00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:27,074
And it's crazy in retrospect.
275
00:14:27,157 --> 00:14:30,744
What I did was I closed my camera
and then phoned my wife at work.
276
00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:33,873
It was like, 1:00 p.m. /> New York time.
277
00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:37,001
He's in his office, the phone rings,
he takes it, he's like, "Hello?"
278
00:14:37,084 --> 00:14:39,420
And I'm in LA like, "There what?
279
00:14:39,503 --> 00:14:44,091
Uh, hey, so, big news.
Uh...
280
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:48,804
Look, I'll send you
picture of my cock... my cock is hard .
281
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,976
And there is this long pause,
and he's like...
282
00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:57,271
"Don't."
283
00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:04,111
And I'm like, "Right.
284
00:15:05,654 --> 00:15:06,655
Right. "
285
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:15,164
So... That's just a little peek
into our relationship.
286
00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:17,708
Married life.
287
00:15:20,336 --> 00:15:23,255
I was at a party recently
in Los Angeles,
288
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:26,091
and, uh, this guy entered the party
289
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:28,093
who is my classmate
from high school.
290
00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:30,471
I didn't see it in, like, ten years,
so I got up.
291
00:15:30,554 --> 00:15:32,389
We started talking about middle school ,
reconnect,
292
00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:34,892
talk about, like, teacher
and women and things.
293
00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:38,520
And then out of nowhere,
he replace "chat" with the dog.
294
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:40,314
He started talking about
this dog he saved,
295
00:15:40,397 --> 00:15:42,608
and I was on my way, right?
296
00:15:42,691 --> 00:15:44,026
Because I like dogs.
297
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:46,654
I'm a little excited,
Because I'm like,
298
00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:48,364
"Dude, do I like dogs. I have dogs.
299
00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,532
I have a big white dog.
A big, beautiful white dog. "
300
00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:54,036
He was like," That's marijuana.
Can I see a photo? "
301
00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:56,956
And I'm like," Uh, yes. "No, right?
302
00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:59,291
So I pulled my cellphone out of my pocket.
303
00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:01,168
Yes.
And...
304
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:05,673
I slide it open.
305
00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:08,425
And, like most of you have guessed,
306
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:11,845
the last photo I took
was my hard cock.
307
00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:14,348
That was the same day.
Helen Hunt, right?
308
00:16:16,183 --> 00:16:18,394
This really happened.
It was a living nightmare.
309
00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:20,646
It was also word for word.
He was like, "Can I see a big white dog You? "
310
00:16:20,729 --> 00:16:22,690
I was like," Uh, yes, bruh. "
311
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:24,566
And then I showed him my dick.
312
00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:27,987
Lalu aku benar-benar panik
313
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:30,447
and start tapping the screen
to make it go away...
314
00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:34,618
forgetting that just makes things bigger,
like more details.
315
00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:39,790
So I cellphone jam in my pocket,
I see it,
316
00:16:39,873 --> 00:16:43,043
and my current encouragement,
I want to scream, at a party,
317
00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:46,755
I want to shout, " No! That's my cock! "
318
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:52,011
Right?
Because I care at that moment
319
00:16:52,094 --> 00:16:56,598
is that I don't want him to think I have
some hard dick of another man on my cellphone.
320
00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:59,268
Like when I open it,
it's my wallpaper.
321
00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:04,481
But it doesn't seem necessary.
322
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:06,191
So I just stand there stumbling
323
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:10,571
And then I can see from his eyes
that he can tell I'm spinning, right?
324
00:17:11,196 --> 00:17:13,449
And that just shows you
how cool a guy is this.
325
00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:15,743
He fully took control
the situation,
326
00:17:15,826 --> 00:17:19,121
calmly put his hand on my shoulder,
and he was like...
327
00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:21,040
"Great, bro."
328
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,840
I like, "Well, thank you." You know?
329
00:17:29,923 --> 00:17:33,552
That's all I'm looking for, really,
are some validations for my cool dick.
330
00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:38,515
Do you watch Shark Tank?
331
00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,809
- Whoo!
- That's my crowd.
332
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:43,896
Shark Tank is the best show since Next.
333
00:17:45,355 --> 00:17:47,691
I'm obsessed with Shark...
I watch so much Shark Tank
334
00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:49,777
that I don't really think of myself
as a comedian,
335
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:53,030
Because in my heart I know
I am an undiscovered businessman.
336
00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:54,114
Do you know?
337
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:57,993
This is real.
I came home from the party
where I showed that person my cock.
338
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,079
It's not a joke.
I came up with a business idea.
339
00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:04,041
I was like, "That's very annoying,
but I can't be the only person.
340
00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:06,627
It must be universal.
How do I monetize this? "
341
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,257
My dream is to go to Shark Tank.
This is a real business idea.
342
00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:13,926
I am looking for investors.
343
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,346
I want to get out,
"Hello, Sharks, my name is Joe Mande.
344
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:20,891
I have a very interesting idea
for websites and applications mobile.
345
00:18:20,974 --> 00:18:22,101
That will change the world.
346
00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:24,269
Basically, the way it works is, uh,
347
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:27,147
every adult in the United States,
anyone who are over 18 years old,
348
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:28,732
must be legally...
349
00:18:29,316 --> 00:18:31,860
forced to put up a photo of
of their dick or breasts
350
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,445
uh, to my website. "
351
00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:39,326
I mean, that's the basis.
It's an elevator pitch.
352
00:18:39,409 --> 00:18:42,204
I don't have all night
to, like, tell you the details, but...
353
00:18:43,205 --> 00:18:45,749
I also did not get a response
I was looking, so I will keep going.
354
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:48,293
I will assure you
this is a good idea, um...
355
00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:51,713
In essence, I mean, we have to do it
to get the government involved
356
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:52,881
in some ways.
357
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,883
I imagine it would be like going
to DMV.
358
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:56,635
You entered, lift your shirt.
359
00:18:56,718 --> 00:19:00,139
This is a full frontal nude photo
of your body,
360
00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:02,391
and it was entered on my website, right?
361
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:04,852
What's important to know
no one can see this photo.
362
00:19:04,935 --> 00:19:08,063
It's password protected,
it's encrypted, can't be hacked.
363
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:10,315
Nobody can see the photo
from your naked body,
364
00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:12,234
um, unless they pay 99 cents.
365
00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:16,488
Right?
Someone pays 99 cents ,
type in your name.
366
00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:20,033
They can see your naked body
for, for example, 20 minutes.
367
00:19:25,789 --> 00:19:28,834
Alright, I'm still...
Like I feel tension.
I...
368
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:31,128
This is the problem.
369
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,839
It's not pornography.
Good?
I understand... .
370
00:19:33,922 --> 00:19:37,050
Every time I try to describe
or explain this idea to my friend,
371
00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:39,011
they are like,
"You describe pornography."
372
00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:41,930
And I went, "No, I'm not.
It's not pornography if everyone is in it.
373
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,807
This is a paradigm shift.
I'm a visionary."
374
00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:44,892
Good?
375
00:19:45,392 --> 00:19:47,811
It's not pornography.
This is a new world.
376
00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:53,400
You only need an example.
Good.
I will win you, I swear to God.
377
00:19:53,483 --> 00:19:54,985
- Like, sir, what's your name?
- Alexis.
378
00:19:55,068 --> 00:19:56,862
Alexis.
What is your last name?
379
00:19:56,945 --> 00:19:58,822
- Strong.
- Strong?
380
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:00,407
That's cool.
Good.
381
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:05,412
A good name for this product.
Okay, so Alexis Strong.
382
00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:09,082
So let's say this website already exists,
right?
383
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:12,961
Everyone can go home after the show,
type "Alexis Strong,"
384
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:14,338
pay 99 cents...
385
00:20:15,088 --> 00:20:17,382
see your pen for 20 minutes...
386
00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:22,054
I mean, I haven't even got it
to the interesting part,
387
00:20:22,137 --> 00:20:24,056
but, like, damn it, it's cool.
388
00:20:24,139 --> 00:20:25,349
All right.
389
00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:26,850
But, Alexis, let's say someone does that.
390
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:29,061
Someone pays 99 cents
to see your pen.
391
00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:31,438
Dapatkan ini.
392
00:20:31,521 --> 00:20:34,650
You get the money!
393
00:20:38,987 --> 00:20:40,489
- Whoo!
- Yes it's true.
394
00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:46,078
Don't even patronize me.
Damn think about that for a while.
395
00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:48,705
p>
396
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:51,792
Think about the world where it exists.
397
00:20:52,459 --> 00:20:54,461
That will change everything.
That will revitalize the economy.
398
00:20:57,881 --> 00:21:00,217
That will end obesity as we know it.
399
00:21:00,842 --> 00:21:02,594
And I'm not kidding
when I say this:
400
00:21:02,678 --> 00:21:03,887
It's good for women.
Suitable for women.
401
00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:07,015
That's a feminist idea .
402
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,184
- Whoo!
- Every woman in the United States
403
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,353
will make at least $ 20 a day.
404
00:21:12,145 --> 00:21:13,897
And that's a basement.
It pops up from there.
405
00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:16,066
But every woman in the United States
406
00:21:16,733 --> 00:21:18,193
has at least 20 creeps in her life
it's like...
407
00:21:21,571 --> 00:21:23,156
" Only 99 cents. "
408
00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:26,702
This is good for women.
409
00:21:27,911 --> 00:21:30,706
This will equate dating for women too.
I think it's important.
410
00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:33,625
Because I can't imagine
being a woman...
411
00:21:36,962 --> 00:21:38,964
I can't imagine, like,
you meet a good man,
412
00:21:39,047 --> 00:21:41,425
you go on a date with him,
he looks cool,
413
00:21:41,508 --> 00:21:43,343
and finally you feel comfortable,
become intimate.
414
00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:45,637
Meanwhile, you don't know what the penis is like
?
415
00:21:45,721 --> 00:21:48,181
What?
How is that fair?
For that application.
416
00:21:48,265 --> 00:21:50,517
You meet a man.
You like,
"What's your name? What's your last name?
417
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,102
How do you say it? "
418
00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:55,814
You go to the bathroom,
type in his name, pay 99 cents.
419
00:21:55,897 --> 00:21:58,984
You like," Yes.
I can suck the dick. "Or whatever.
420
00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:01,653
As you know
if he has a cool penis or not.
421
00:22:03,655 --> 00:22:05,240
I think it's amazing.
422
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:07,534
This is good for women, good for gay men.
423
00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:09,828
Uh, great for men with big dicks.
424
00:22:10,620 --> 00:22:12,831
Everything is good for us.
425
00:22:12,914 --> 00:22:15,083
For us.
Uh...
426
00:22:15,167 --> 00:22:17,002
Yes, that is convincing.
"For us."
427
00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:21,965
This is good for men with small penis.
428
00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:25,302
I will explain.
429
00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:27,763
Uh, imagine you're working, right?
430
00:22:27,846 --> 00:22:29,389
Someone came to your office,
and they were like,
431
00:22:29,473 --> 00:22:31,308
"Did you hear about Gary in Accounting?"
432
00:22:31,391 --> 00:22:33,060
You like, "No, what happened to Gary?"
433
00:22:33,143 --> 00:22:36,021
Coworkers like,
"Uh, Gary has a micro-penis."
434
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:40,150
Anda akan seperti, "Tutup mulutmu!
Dapatkan di sini! 'Kan?
435
00:22:40,233 --> 00:22:42,861
He enters.
Twelve other co-workers come in.
436
00:22:42,944 --> 00:22:45,113
You close the door to your office,
you lock it.
437
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:48,033
Everyone crowds around your computer.
You type the name Gary.
438
00:22:48,116 --> 00:22:49,743
You pay 99 cents.
439
00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:52,579
Gary's micro penis appears on the screen.
440
00:22:52,662 --> 00:22:54,164
Everyone cracks
441
00:22:56,416 --> 00:22:58,210
Gary gets the money.
442
00:23:00,670 --> 00:23:01,797
Look?
Yes, fuck.
443
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,758
Think about Gary for a while,
how much better his life.
444
00:23:08,512 --> 00:23:10,931
So it's called "Dickstarter." That's...
445
00:23:11,973 --> 00:23:13,266
Dickstarter.biz.
446
00:23:16,311 --> 00:23:19,064
This is my dream to go on Shark Tank,
prime-time TV, that pitch.
447
00:23:19,147 --> 00:23:20,482
All The sharks are horrified.
448
00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:22,567
They are like,
"I'm out, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out."
449
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:28,156
That's stupid.
I have a business idea the real one.
450
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:31,618
This is real.
I am looking for investors.
451
00:23:32,452 --> 00:23:34,996
So I'm out, like,
"Hello, Sharks, my name is Joe Mande.
452
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,791
I have a product
that I know will change the world.
453
00:23:37,874 --> 00:23:40,585
Before I even get into it, uh,
let me ask you, Sharks,
454
00:23:40,669 --> 00:23:44,256
what's the best feeling in this world?
455
00:23:45,757 --> 00:23:47,217
Arrival.
Right, it came.
456
00:23:47,300 --> 00:23:48,969
And, uh, yes.
457
00:23:49,052 --> 00:23:50,887
What is the best form to come?
458
00:23:52,055 --> 00:23:54,933
It must be autoerotic asphyxia,
right?
459
00:23:55,016 --> 00:23:57,144
It must be.
Scientifically, it must be.
460
00:23:57,227 --> 00:23:59,855
Why else do you put
your life at risk to feel that busy
461
00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:01,940
is it not the type hurry the best?
462
00:24:02,858 --> 00:24:04,734
I don't know for sure.
I've never done it before.
463
00:24:04,818 --> 00:24:07,988
I'm too big from the vagina
forever autoerotic asphyxiate itself.
464
00:24:08,613 --> 00:24:09,489
Until today. "
465
00:24:10,615 --> 00:24:14,369
And I take off my belt and leave,
"Sharks, I show the Air Belt.
466
00:24:15,662 --> 00:24:19,374
This is amazing... It will change lives...
Everyone will feel the bustle.
467
00:24:19,875 --> 00:24:22,460
How it works, it's like
other belts, keep on raising your pants.
468
00:24:23,587 --> 00:24:25,797
But when you feel the urge, man or woman,
469
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:28,550
to push the highest extreme,
right?
470
00:24:29,050 --> 00:24:32,012
You put a belt around your neck,
make it as tight as possible
471
00:24:32,095 --> 00:24:34,556
so now there is no oxygen flow that can affect your brain.
472
00:24:35,223 --> 00:24:37,642
And then you just jack up
as fast as you can.
473
00:24:37,726 --> 00:24:39,978
This is a fairly simple two-step process. "
474
00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:43,356
I'm one only on stage,
so I have to do it.
475
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:46,109
I put a belt around my neck,
I, like, jack up.
476
00:24:46,735 --> 00:24:49,070
Look right at Mark Cuban,
like, "Uh!"
477
00:24:49,779 --> 00:24:51,031
"Lori, lick your lips."
478
00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:58,455
What makes this belt special > here in the belt
479
00:24:58,538 --> 00:25:00,081
there is a heart monitor.
480
00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:02,709
Right?
481
00:25:02,792 --> 00:25:06,296
When the belt feels your heartbeat
goes down to a very low level ,
482
00:25:06,379 --> 00:25:08,173
automatically loosens
483
00:25:08,256 --> 00:25:11,635
so you don't die
with the belt around your neck turning off.
484
00:25:12,135 --> 00:25:13,428
The worst way to die.
485
00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:16,765
And I'm like sharing a belt
to a shark.
486
00:25:16,848 --> 00:25:18,808
They're all like,
"Oh, yeah, it works."
487
00:25:21,144 --> 00:25:24,189
And I'm like , "So which of you, Sharks
want to join the Air Belt movement
488
00:25:24,272 --> 00:25:25,398
and come alive?"
489
00:25:27,901 --> 00:25:30,779
Banners fall.
"Become alive."
490
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:34,491
That's great.
491
00:25:38,703 --> 00:25:41,206
My parents saw me doing a stand-up recently.
492
00:25:41,289 --> 00:25:44,084
They don't like it.
Not their cup of tea.
493
00:25:46,419 --> 00:25:49,881
My father's work when I grew up adult,
he is a teenager prosecutor.
494
00:25:51,549 --> 00:25:54,511
I don't know if you know what that means.
He put children in prison.
495
00:25:57,055 --> 00:25:59,266
That's what my father did when I was little.
496
00:26:00,392 --> 00:26:02,644
Needless to say,
it wasn't, like, the coldest vibration
497
00:26:02,727 --> 00:26:04,104
in Mande's household...
498
00:26:04,604 --> 00:26:05,772
grew up.
499
00:26:06,940 --> 00:26:09,734
My father retired recently.
It was very strange.
500
00:26:09,818 --> 00:26:13,071
He became a very different person.
He, like, really softened.
501
00:26:13,154 --> 00:26:15,991
He became very sentimental.
He, like, poked and...
502
00:26:16,074 --> 00:26:18,576
I don't know how to handle it
that energy at all .
503
00:26:18,660 --> 00:26:20,870
I was home for Thanksgiving
a few years ago,
504
00:26:20,954 --> 00:26:22,664
and we watched football on TV.
505
00:26:22,747 --> 00:26:24,499
Only me and him in the living room.
506
00:26:24,582 --> 00:26:27,794
p>
507
00:26:27,877 --> 00:26:31,589
When the match ends, he turns off the TV
and he looks at me, he goes,
508
00:26:34,509 --> 00:26:36,511
"Uh, Joseph, have I ever told you
about my happiest memories? "
509
00:26:37,595 --> 00:26:38,680
I like," Uh, no.
510
00:26:39,597 --> 00:26:42,809
No. "
511
00:26:43,435 --> 00:26:44,936
He said," I want to share this with you.
I don't know if you remember this.
512
00:26:45,020 --> 00:26:47,856
When you were nine years old, Joseph,
513
00:26:47,939 --> 00:26:49,149
your mother and I, we bought you
Sega for Hanukkah.
514
00:26:49,816 --> 00:26:53,570
Do you remember that?
515
00:26:53,653 --> 00:26:55,905
And you really want Sega,
you keep asking for months.
516
00:26:55,989 --> 00:26:58,033
Hanukkah's first night,
You opened the prize,
517
00:26:58,116 --> 00:27:00,118
and I have never seen anything like this.
518
00:27:00,201 --> 00:27:03,288
You started jumping up and down
and yell.
519
00:27:03,371 --> 00:27:04,956
You kiss my cheek.
520
00:27:06,750 --> 00:27:09,544
And to find out that I can bring
such other people to joy "...
521
00:27:09,627 --> 00:27:10,962
He is getting emotional .
522
00:27:11,046 --> 00:27:12,964
"If I can freeze my life at any time,
523
00:27:13,048 --> 00:27:15,300
it will be there
when you open Sega."
524
00:27:18,178 --> 00:27:20,680
And I sit there like,
"Damn, Daddy, thank you.
525
00:27:20,764 --> 00:27:23,058
Thank you very much for sharing it.
It's beautiful. "
526
00:27:24,059 --> 00:27:26,853
But in my head, I'm like,
" Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it! "
527
00:27:28,688 --> 00:27:30,690
So, a little backstory.
Uh...
528
00:27:31,983 --> 00:27:33,109
Here's what you need to know.
529
00:27:33,193 --> 00:27:35,445
When I was nine years old,
I was a small piece of shit,
530
00:27:35,528 --> 00:27:37,906
and I know where my parents are hiding gifts,
right?
531
00:27:37,989 --> 00:27:40,241
And someday,
my parents go to the grocery store.
532
00:27:40,325 --> 00:27:42,035
I see them coming out of the driveway.
533
00:27:42,118 --> 00:27:44,704
And I lock the door,
I ran into my father's closet...
534
00:27:45,372 --> 00:27:47,165
looked down at this large sweater pile.
535
00:27:47,749 --> 00:27:50,919
There was a giant,
wrapped in a rectangular shape.
536
00:27:51,002 --> 00:27:54,631
And like a little spy, I went down and
carefully opened the Scotch ribbon
537
00:27:54,714 --> 00:27:57,050
and revealed the words "Sega Genesis."
538
00:27:57,133 --> 00:28:00,220
And, obviously, with my hard like,
"Damn finally!"
539
00:28:00,303 --> 00:28:02,055
"Fuck."
540
00:28:04,265 --> 00:28:07,227
So I went back down and I started
to close this backup again,
541
00:28:07,310 --> 00:28:09,896
and as I did,
I tore the ends of the wrapping paper.
542
00:28:10,522 --> 00:28:12,524
It's not bad, but, you know,
543
00:28:12,607 --> 00:28:14,651
maybe if you imagine
that your father cooperates closely,
544
00:28:14,734 --> 00:28:16,778
I don't know, like, forensic scientists,
545
00:28:16,861 --> 00:28:19,948
, like, super real,
and for the next six weeks,
546
00:28:20,031 --> 00:28:22,951
I can't even tell you
the terror that I experienced under
547
00:28:23,034 --> 00:28:26,037
that at any time,
My father will be cold,
548
00:28:26,121 --> 00:28:29,457
wear his sweater ,
see this broken gift...
549
00:28:30,041 --> 00:28:32,043
and then send me to jail.
550
00:28:34,504 --> 00:28:36,172
Like, the stakes are very high.
551
00:28:36,798 --> 00:28:38,258
It's like a miracle The true Hanukkah.
552
00:28:38,341 --> 00:28:41,678
The first night, my parents were expelled
all gifts for my sister and me.
553
00:28:41,761 --> 00:28:43,096
Tidak ada yang memperhatikan air mata.
554
00:28:43,596 --> 00:28:46,516
We went to the table, we started
lit candles, all that crap.
555
00:28:46,599 --> 00:28:50,729
And then, before anyone had a chance
to see the prize,
556
00:28:50,812 --> 00:28:52,731
I run, I open it,
557
00:28:52,814 --> 00:28:55,942
and fair, like, too excluded.
558
00:28:56,025 --> 00:28:58,153
You know?
Like a bad actor.
559
00:28:58,987 --> 00:29:00,864
I like, "What? Sega!"
560
00:29:00,947 --> 00:29:04,159
And I started, like,
jumping up and down and screaming.
561
00:29:04,242 --> 00:29:06,244
I kissed my dad's cheek.
562
00:29:10,081 --> 00:29:12,083
At one point, I did a cartwheel.
563
00:29:13,126 --> 00:29:14,502
Like that crazy...
564
00:29:14,586 --> 00:29:17,088
In my head, I, like...
I know it's effeminate,
565
00:29:17,172 --> 00:29:20,675
but I like, "I have to sell this!
I have to sell this!
I have to sell this!"
566
00:29:22,719 --> 00:29:25,972
Saya kira saya menjualnya.
Ini memori bahagia ayahku.
567
00:29:31,561 --> 00:29:33,480
Are there Jews here, by the way?
Are there Jews?
568
00:29:33,563 --> 00:29:35,231
Good.
569
00:29:35,648 --> 00:29:36,858
Round them up!
570
00:29:40,570 --> 00:29:41,946
JK.
571
00:29:42,906 --> 00:29:45,325
It's funny now.
That will happen
real things in, like, a year.
572
00:29:48,661 --> 00:29:50,455
There is a strange thing
about Jews in America.
573
00:29:50,538 --> 00:29:52,916
We all go to summer camp.
We all.
574
00:29:52,999 --> 00:29:54,417
I don't know what that is.
575
00:29:54,501 --> 00:29:57,712
It's like when you change 11 or 12,
your parents have a meeting,
576
00:29:57,796 --> 00:30:01,966
only the two of them in the living room,
they are like, "Our child is 11 years old now.
577
00:30:02,050 --> 00:30:06,721
So maybe it's time
he gets a hand job in the woods?
Right? "
578
00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:10,642
My mother likes," Yes, yes, yes. "
579
00:30:12,227 --> 00:30:13,311
Without lotion.
580
00:30:17,565 --> 00:30:21,194
I don't want to go.
I'm not on board
for this Jewish summer camp.
581
00:30:21,277 --> 00:30:24,239
Drive to Wisconsin...
All trips to Wisconsin,
582
00:30:24,322 --> 00:30:26,115
I was in the back seat
from the minivan we shouted,
583
00:30:26,199 --> 00:30:28,660
"I don't want leave!
I don't want to do this!
I'm afraid!
584
00:30:28,743 --> 00:30:30,662
I'm never far from home before! "
585
00:30:30,745 --> 00:30:33,331
My mother turned and calmed me down. > He is like, "Joseph.
586
00:30:33,414 --> 00:30:37,001
This will be fine.
You will find God,
and you don't need to worry.
587
00:30:37,085 --> 00:30:39,546
I write the name You
in all your socks and underwear. "
588
00:30:41,089 --> 00:30:43,007
Right?
As if that's what I was worried about.
589
00:30:43,091 --> 00:30:44,634
Like," Oh, I don't know
This underwear.
590
00:30:44,717 --> 00:30:46,219
Fucking hit him.
Let's go. "
591
00:30:49,681 --> 00:30:50,765
The first day of the camp was weird.
592
00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:52,141
You got out of the minivan ,
593
00:30:52,225 --> 00:30:54,143
and everything you have with
with these people
594
00:30:54,227 --> 00:30:55,645
are you Jewish, right?
595
00:30:55,728 --> 00:30:58,147
You meet children.
You are like, "Hey, I'm Joe. I'm Jewish."
596
00:30:58,231 --> 00:31:00,483
And that like,
"Hey, I'm Seth. I'm Jewish."
597
00:31:00,567 --> 00:31:04,153
"All right.
Guess we're good friends."
598
00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:07,824
And then this, uh,
Special campground nights,
599
00:31:07,907 --> 00:31:09,742
uh, that's also Shabbat.
600
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:11,119
I don't know if you know Shabbat.
601
00:31:11,202 --> 00:31:13,037
Shabbat is like night baler > in Judaism.
602
00:31:13,621 --> 00:31:15,039
You, like, eat bread.
603
00:31:15,123 --> 00:31:18,543
So we do that.
We light candles, we eat bread.
604
00:31:18,626 --> 00:31:20,837
I eat lots of chicken.
Like, too much chicken.
605
00:31:21,629 --> 00:31:24,299
And then right after the Shabbat dinner,
there is an Israeli dance.
606
00:31:24,382 --> 00:31:27,427
Jadi saya pergi, menari pantat Israel saya
selama beberapa jam.
607
00:31:27,510 --> 00:31:29,762
Let everything really shuffle,
do you know?
608
00:31:29,846 --> 00:31:32,765
And... then at 10 pm,
our counselors are like,
609
00:31:32,849 --> 00:31:34,851
"Okay , kids, sleep. "
610
00:31:34,934 --> 00:31:36,352
I am very comfortable in my bed.
611
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:39,647
And I remember thinking,
" Um, I thought I'd like it here. "
612
00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:45,570
Go to bed.
613
00:31:47,030 --> 00:31:50,325
A few hours later, I woke up.
I don't know if this is universal.
614
00:31:50,408 --> 00:31:53,244
Is there anything waking up in the middle of
the night and known you have
615
00:31:53,328 --> 00:31:54,746
ten seconds...
616
00:31:55,496 --> 00:31:57,415
before you just dirty yourself?
617
00:31:57,498 --> 00:31:58,583
You?
Yes.
618
00:31:59,125 --> 00:32:00,376
A terrible feeling.
619
00:32:00,460 --> 00:32:02,503
I jerked up
and felt this countdown in my head.
620
00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:05,006
Like, "Ten, nine , eight. "
621
00:32:05,798 --> 00:32:08,301
And I'm in the upper bed,
so I go down the stairs.
622
00:32:08,384 --> 00:32:10,303
"Seven, six, five."
623
00:32:10,386 --> 00:32:12,305
I wear my flip-flops.
"Four."
624
00:32:12,388 --> 00:32:14,349
Open the door to my cabin.
625
00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:15,642
"Three."
626
00:32:16,684 --> 00:32:18,937
And at three, I just exploded.
627
00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:22,148
Like, full-on explodes.
628
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:24,859
I know this is disgusting.
I just want accuracy.
629
00:32:24,943 --> 00:32:26,235
It's ten feet in front of me.
630
00:32:26,319 --> 00:32:28,780
All of you must have been closed,
like the Gallagher show.
631
00:32:28,863 --> 00:32:31,866
That, like, ten feet in front of me,
ten feet behind me.
632
00:32:31,950 --> 00:32:35,787
I got dirt all over the grass,
my entire cabin staircase.
633
00:32:37,163 --> 00:32:38,790
I was never far from home before.
634
00:32:38,873 --> 00:32:41,709
I stood there like,
"Okay. What are you doing now?
635
00:32:41,793 --> 00:32:44,212
Are you just waiting for someone to find you?
636
00:32:44,295 --> 00:32:46,673
That seems stupid. "
637
00:32:48,591 --> 00:32:52,428
So what I did was run just
into the forest, like, in the dark.
638
00:32:52,512 --> 00:32:55,890
I ran and got hit on the face
with tree branches and dirt .
639
00:32:55,974 --> 00:32:58,518
I ran fast, like, three minutes
640
00:32:58,601 --> 00:33:00,895
until I reached this big structure
in my camp
641
00:33:00,979 --> 00:33:03,022
which held all the toilets and bathrooms .
642
00:33:03,106 --> 00:33:04,607
This is called Noah's Ark.
643
00:33:06,985 --> 00:33:10,488
Run on Noah's Ark. First thing,
I got rid of all my dirty clothes.
644
00:33:10,571 --> 00:33:11,906
Grab all this hand soap
645
00:33:11,990 --> 00:33:14,659
then just take
the most embarrassing shower of my life.
646
00:33:14,742 --> 00:33:15,994
Just, like, crying.
647
00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:18,955
But I still, like, get sick.
648
00:33:19,038 --> 00:33:22,792
So I will run from the bathroom
to the toilet, like, damn brain I'm out,
649
00:33:22,875 --> 00:33:24,002
then take another bath,
650
00:33:24,085 --> 00:33:27,672
and just do it again and again for
hours, you know, like a living nightmare.
651
00:33:27,755 --> 00:33:33,052
And... it takes so long, like,
the sun starts go up.
652
00:33:33,136 --> 00:33:38,099
After, like, my 12th shower, I
finally, like, empty and clean, right?
653
00:33:38,182 --> 00:33:40,685
But then that just means
I'm just naked and wet
654
00:33:40,768 --> 00:33:43,229
and have to go back to my cabin somehow.
655
00:33:43,312 --> 00:33:45,606
And, I mean... I hope I have seen...
656
00:33:45,690 --> 00:33:49,527
I must look like the smallest,
Small shy bigfoot.
657
00:33:49,610 --> 00:33:52,613
Like, running at dawn
back to the forest.
658
00:33:52,697 --> 00:33:56,409
Like, hiding behind trees and, like,
taking a leaf to cover my body.
659
00:33:57,910 --> 00:34:02,040
Tapi tidak ada yang melihat saya.
Saya kembali ke kabin saya.
Saya melompati ledakan kotoran saya sendiri.
660
00:34:03,458 --> 00:34:06,085
Crawl back to bed, crying to sleep.
661
00:34:07,336 --> 00:34:09,630
Like, an hour later,
Seth my bunkmate woke me up.
662
00:34:09,714 --> 00:34:13,259
He was like, "Joe, wake up. Did you hear?
Did you hear about the bear?
663
00:34:17,013 --> 00:34:18,222
"What is that?"
664
00:34:18,306 --> 00:34:22,602
I went out.
Everyone in my office
get up and stand in a semicircle
665
00:34:22,685 --> 00:34:25,104
around my crime scene.
666
00:34:27,482 --> 00:34:30,943
And Seth caught me, and to this day,
I've never seen anyone who is more excited
667
00:34:31,027 --> 00:34:32,278
about anything in my life.
668
00:34:32,361 --> 00:34:36,240
He grabbed me and he was like, "Dude,
bear poop in our cabin last night! "
669
00:34:40,912 --> 00:34:43,623
And I look back at my cabin friends,
all these little liars.
670
00:34:43,706 --> 00:34:45,792
They are like," I saw it. I saw it.
671
00:34:46,250 --> 00:34:47,960
Saya melihat beruang itu. ”
672
00:34:52,215 --> 00:34:56,344
I stood there for a minute and I realized,
I was like, "Damn.
673
00:34:56,427 --> 00:35:01,182
My mother is right.
God is real.
God is real.
God is good. "
674
00:35:03,434 --> 00:35:04,727
Yes, like...
675
00:35:05,686 --> 00:35:07,063
But for, like...
676
00:35:07,146 --> 00:35:09,357
How else do you explain
the night I just experienced?
677
00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:13,069
And here I am, just a few hours later
in the daytime, redeemed.
678
00:35:13,152 --> 00:35:15,738
All these idiots think bear
dirt in our cabin.
679
00:35:17,156 --> 00:35:19,826
I remember my counselor standing up
to the side trying to find out.
680
00:35:19,909 --> 00:35:22,411
He was like,
"That must be a small bear." / p>
681
00:35:25,832 --> 00:35:28,334
But look, we all find confidence
in a different way, right?
682
00:35:28,835 --> 00:35:31,087
And that's my story,
and that feeling of faith
683
00:35:31,170 --> 00:35:34,215
pushing me in Jewish life I
for, like, the others...
684
00:35:35,341 --> 00:35:38,302
30 minutes, 35 minutes.
685
00:35:38,386 --> 00:35:40,304
So we left, we ate breakfast.
686
00:35:40,388 --> 00:35:43,558
And then, um,
we were told to go brush our teeth.
687
00:35:43,641 --> 00:35:48,062
So we all go to Noah's Ark.
Start brushing our teeth.
688
00:35:48,146 --> 00:35:50,189
And this kid Mike looks into the trash can,
689
00:35:50,273 --> 00:35:54,277
finds a pair of boxer shorts that dirty
with my name written inside.
690
00:35:55,444 --> 00:35:57,113
Yes.
691
00:35:57,196 --> 00:35:58,948
That happened.
692
00:35:59,031 --> 00:36:02,869
So since then I've been like,
" Well, damn God, God can suck my cock.
693
00:36:02,952 --> 00:36:04,453
God is a chicken. "
694
00:36:06,330 --> 00:36:09,250
And, you know, now we are here.
695
00:36:09,333 --> 00:36:10,793
Cool. p>
696
00:36:10,877 --> 00:36:13,421
Look, it's all nonsense, okay?
697
00:36:13,504 --> 00:36:15,590
This... We've arrived at the
section of the show that I...
698
00:36:15,673 --> 00:36:19,010
I just want to talk about this next thing.
How interesting is that?
699
00:36:19,093 --> 00:36:21,012
Can you imagine that
it's all nonsense?
700
00:36:24,015 --> 00:36:25,474
Listen, no.
701
00:36:27,518 --> 00:36:30,521
What I want to talk about with...
I'm very glad I have a job
702
00:36:30,605 --> 00:36:33,316
where I have a microphone
and can force people to listen to me.
703
00:36:33,399 --> 00:36:36,152
Because everything I want to talk about
is this one documentary
704
00:36:36,235 --> 00:36:37,403
I've been obsessed.
705
00:36:37,486 --> 00:36:39,280
This is an HBO document called
706
00:36:39,363 --> 00:36:42,867
Mind Crime:
The Real Story of the Cannibal Police.
707
00:36:43,951 --> 00:36:47,663
Alright .
Good.
Four people know what I'm talking about.
708
00:36:48,664 --> 00:36:50,833
This is a real question
if I even stand up again.
709
00:36:50,917 --> 00:36:54,503
To be honest, I feel like just got on stage
and recommended a documentary.
710
00:36:54,587 --> 00:36:55,630
But this is good.
711
00:36:55,713 --> 00:36:58,716
This is a very smart and nuanced look
in the life of Cannibal Cop.
712
00:37:01,469 --> 00:37:03,346
Cannibal Cop, this man...
I don't know if you remember it.
713
00:37:03,429 --> 00:37:07,099
He was a big figure in New York
like ten years ago.
714
00:37:07,183 --> 00:37:09,060
Uh, a truly tragic figure.
715
00:37:09,143 --> 00:37:10,895
Uh, here it is
you need to know about him.
716
00:37:10,978 --> 00:37:14,023
He is a police officer.
He is an NYPD officer.
717
00:37:14,106 --> 00:37:17,109
And two, uh, he is not a cannibal.
718
00:37:18,694 --> 00:37:20,029
Play, right?
719
00:37:22,073 --> 00:37:24,909
Cannibal Cop never eats human flesh
once in his lifetime.
720
00:37:25,910 --> 00:37:28,287
And I don't know if this is
taking heat in terms of cannibalism,
721
00:37:28,371 --> 00:37:31,499
but for me, until you really
put a knife and fork to humans
722
00:37:31,582 --> 00:37:34,543
and, like, eating their meat,
you are just a man.
723
00:37:34,627 --> 00:37:36,128
You are just a man.
724
00:37:38,172 --> 00:37:41,926
So, Cannibal Cop, his name is Gilberto.
725
00:37:42,009 --> 00:37:45,513
Right?
And Gilberto, uh... Listen,
before I can tell you about Gilberto,
726
00:37:45,596 --> 00:37:48,599
let's all admit it now
we all have our things.
727
00:37:51,477 --> 00:37:53,396
Sexually, right?
We all have our peculiarities.
728
00:37:53,479 --> 00:37:56,524
None of us are saints.
We all end
some strange things.
We are all weird people.
729
00:37:57,775 --> 00:38:00,444
So, Gilberto's
thing that he was sexually interested
730
00:38:00,528 --> 00:38:02,863
for the idea of cannibalism.
731
00:38:02,947 --> 00:38:04,865
732
00:38:07,618 --> 00:38:09,120
p>
733
00:38:09,203 --> 00:38:13,416
Whatever.
Who cares?
Really, who cares?
734
00:38:15,668 --> 00:38:18,296
Be Gilberto...
735
00:38:18,379 --> 00:38:21,924
I don't say Gilberto is smart. < br /> I mean, he is a NYPD officer, okay?
736
00:38:22,008 --> 00:38:26,721
and he gets into the cannibal talisman
posts a message board, right?
737
00:38:26,804 --> 00:38:29,181
Like a website
where he and like-minded people
738
00:38:29,265 --> 00:38:31,309
can exchange fantasy stories
739
00:38:31,392 --> 00:38:34,895
about, you know,
eat human flesh and then jack up.
740
00:38:36,355 --> 00:38:39,942
So Gilberto,
he enters his police computer
741
00:38:40,026 --> 00:38:42,862
and started writing, like, all this time,
an eloquent story
742
00:38:42,945 --> 00:38:45,323
about how he wanted to kidnap his wife,
743
00:38:45,406 --> 00:38:48,284
drove him to the cabin,
threw it to oven
744
00:38:48,367 --> 00:38:50,161
and, like, eat the titties or whatever.
745
00:38:51,704 --> 00:38:54,874
I didn't say he was cool, by the way.
I don't think it's cool.
746
00:38:54,957 --> 00:38:56,792
I just thought it didn't
make you cannibal.
747
00:38:56,876 --> 00:38:58,544
Just because you're horny
and intellectually curious.
748
00:38:58,627 --> 00:39:00,212
That doesn't make you cannibals.
749
00:39:01,881 --> 00:39:03,883
So what's happening next to Gilberto
is really crazy.
750
00:39:03,966 --> 00:39:08,137
This is a parody of justice, right?
He was fired from the police.
751
00:39:08,220 --> 00:39:10,681
He under house arrest.
He has to live with his mother.
752
00:39:10,765 --> 00:39:14,560
How annoying.
It's a shame.
His wife left him, obviously.
753
00:39:14,643 --> 00:39:18,564
It's like news front page that he
looked at him like Slim Jim or whatever.
754
00:39:23,027 --> 00:39:27,323
And this is when dirt gets crazy.
He is
then tried for attempted murder.
755
00:39:27,406 --> 00:39:30,659
And the evidence used against it
is posting the damn message board.
756
00:39:30,743 --> 00:39:32,119
The literature.
757
00:39:33,662 --> 00:39:36,123
Some Minority Reports, you know.
758
00:39:38,167 --> 00:39:40,836
You all should be just as upset with me now!
I'm being heated!
759
00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:42,546
I have seen this documentary seven times.
760
00:39:42,630 --> 00:39:44,590
Aku sangat kesal.
761
00:39:44,673 --> 00:39:48,469
Whenever it's finished, I'm just pacing
around my house, shouting at my dogs.
762
00:39:48,552 --> 00:39:51,055
Just like, "Did you hear this?
Gilberto, Copa Cannibals "...
763
00:39:51,138 --> 00:39:54,892
First of all, to call him Cannibal Cop
is an insult to cannibals...
764
00:39:55,393 --> 00:39:56,727
who does his job.
765
00:39:56,811 --> 00:39:58,270
People this has never been eaten...
766
00:39:58,354 --> 00:40:01,232
He is just an artist.
He is a poet.
He is a person... He is a hero.
767
00:40:01,315 --> 00:40:02,817
He is a hero First Amendment.
768
00:40:03,651 --> 00:40:06,153
I shouted at my dog,
"Gilberto is my hero!
769
00:40:06,237 --> 00:40:07,738
The Cannibal Cop is my hero. "
770
00:40:10,783 --> 00:40:13,577
The last time I watched this documentary,
I was so angry and shocked
771
00:40:13,661 --> 00:40:16,914
that I was sitting on my desk on my computer
772
00:40:16,997 --> 00:40:22,294
and I started doing, like, pro bono legal
advocacy work for cannibal Cop.
773
00:40:22,378 --> 00:40:24,422
I was like,
"I will save you, Gilberto."
774
00:40:24,505 --> 00:40:26,132
I started researching.
775
00:40:26,215 --> 00:40:28,968
I didn't go to law school.
I didn't know what I was doing.
776
00:40:29,885 --> 00:40:32,430
Four hours passed, and I realized
I just woke up all night
777
00:40:32,513 --> 00:40:35,933
read cannibal talismans
message board posts.
778
00:40:36,016 --> 00:40:37,393
No.
779
00:40:37,476 --> 00:40:39,019
You don't want to be that man. >
780
00:40:40,938 --> 00:40:44,817
Because you watch documentaries, like,
if we only base on web history,
781
00:40:44,900 --> 00:40:47,862
I am like a cannibal
as a Cannibal Cop.
782
00:40:49,822 --> 00:40:51,282
And I don't.
783
00:40:51,991 --> 00:40:53,826
I'm not a cannibal.
784
00:40:59,039 --> 00:41:00,207
Even though I admit, right,
785
00:41:00,291 --> 00:41:03,544
if you read enough
posting a fetish message board,
786
00:41:03,627 --> 00:41:07,715
like that likes to enter...
I can't stop thinking about cannibalism.
787
00:41:07,798 --> 00:41:10,176
I think about it all day long.
It doesn't make me horny.
788
00:41:10,259 --> 00:41:11,844
I don't get that part.
789
00:41:11,927 --> 00:41:13,012
But like...
790
00:41:14,013 --> 00:41:16,724
Here's the thing I can't stop
thinking about is, like,
791
00:41:16,807 --> 00:41:20,060
being the cannibal like a leap
for a human.
792
00:41:20,144 --> 00:41:22,605
When you like,
"Fuck me. I'm cannibal."
793
00:41:22,688 --> 00:41:25,858
What was the first day like that?
just
I thought about.
"What for breakfast?"
794
00:41:28,736 --> 00:41:30,029
I always ask my friends,
795
00:41:30,112 --> 00:41:32,448
"What is the first thing you eat < br>> on the human body? "
796
00:41:32,531 --> 00:41:36,160
They are always like," Well,
I don't know why we hang out with you.
797
00:41:36,952 --> 00:41:38,621
This isn't fun for us. "
798
00:41:40,039 --> 00:41:43,042
But I've got a lot of answers.
Some people say "feet."
799
00:41:43,125 --> 00:41:45,169
Others say "butt". Lol.
800
00:41:47,254 --> 00:41:49,673
And that makes me very angry,
Because it's so illogical.
801
00:41:49,757 --> 00:41:52,968
I'm like, "You have never eaten human meat
and you will seizure with your legs? ”
802
00:41:53,052 --> 00:41:55,179
Give me a break.
Use your head.
803
00:41:55,262 --> 00:41:58,557
You will start small
and then work your way up to your feet.
804
00:41:58,641 --> 00:41:59,725
Like that...
805
00:42:02,436 --> 00:42:05,231
I might think too much about this.
806
00:42:07,358 --> 00:42:10,611
I think the right answer is...
But.
807
00:42:11,779 --> 00:42:14,990
Don't complain.
There are no right answers, okay?
808
00:42:15,074 --> 00:42:16,700
But listen to me.
809
00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:18,410
Many things happen.
810
00:42:18,494 --> 00:42:21,413
Sounds like like food.
Right?
You're halfway there.
811
00:42:22,498 --> 00:42:25,584
Small.
It's a bite size.
It's like a game or something.
812
00:42:25,668 --> 00:42:27,920
You can take it back.
You don't even need to chew it.
813
00:42:28,921 --> 00:42:32,424
And three, I think if you
prepare it properly, which I will...
814
00:42:32,508 --> 00:42:35,553
slow roast, cinnamon, nutmeg,
small caramel sauce...
815
00:42:35,636 --> 00:42:38,514
like you can convince yourself
that... an apple.
816
00:42:38,597 --> 00:42:40,057
Like small...
817
00:42:40,808 --> 00:42:41,809
All right.
818
00:42:43,602 --> 00:42:46,855
I'm cute now.
We all know it's not the right answer.
819
00:42:48,774 --> 00:42:52,194
That's the vagina.
That's the vagina.
That, like...
820
00:42:53,153 --> 00:42:54,738
I've eaten pussy all my life.
821
00:42:54,822 --> 00:42:56,365
Not all of me... I'm not, like, four.
822
00:42:56,448 --> 00:42:58,784
I'm... the right age.
823
00:42:58,867 --> 00:43:01,203
Like... ten?
Uh, no.
824
00:43:04,665 --> 00:43:09,336
I like to eat vagina.
Likes.
This is one of my favorite entertainment.
825
00:43:10,546 --> 00:43:12,256
My only complaint...
826
00:43:13,048 --> 00:43:15,175
This is wrong .
You don't eat pussy.
827
00:43:15,259 --> 00:43:17,511
If anything,
is like the Eternal Goblokper.
828
00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:20,472
You just like to lick and lick it
and lick and lick it
829
00:43:20,556 --> 00:43:22,558
You don't, like, get anything.
830
00:43:27,313 --> 00:43:29,648
Damn you.
This is smart,
what I'm talking about now.
831
00:43:29,732 --> 00:43:31,400
It's smart.
832
00:43:31,483 --> 00:43:33,193
This is a thought experiment.
833
00:43:33,277 --> 00:43:35,487
I just ask, like, hypothetically.
834
00:43:38,407 --> 00:43:40,242
Think about it like this, okay?
/> Imagine this.
835
00:43:40,326 --> 00:43:43,787
Imagine living your whole life
only smells of coffee.
836
00:43:46,206 --> 00:43:48,834
It's frustrating, right?
It's frustrating.
837
00:43:48,917 --> 00:43:51,295
Now imagine the action of smelling coffee
838
00:43:51,378 --> 00:43:53,797
for some reason is called
"drink coffee."
839
00:43:57,676 --> 00:43:59,762
Right?
At some point, you will like,
840
00:43:59,845 --> 00:44:01,639
"Fuck this. I drink coffee. "
841
00:44:06,935 --> 00:44:09,313
Anyway, this is a great documentary.
You should...
842
00:44:10,356 --> 00:44:11,940
You should check it out.
843
00:44:13,025 --> 00:44:14,568
Thank you.
844
00:44:17,237 --> 00:44:19,073
It's so cool you clapped for that.
845
00:44:22,826 --> 00:44:25,496
I don't even know
if I have to do this next part.
Uh...
846
00:44:25,579 --> 00:44:26,914
Do it!
847
00:44:26,997 --> 00:44:30,959
I will.
I mean, that... This is a facade.
Obviously I will.
848
00:44:34,296 --> 00:44:36,507
No, but Okay, here it is.
I will tell you the truth...
849
00:44:36,590 --> 00:44:39,134
I can tell Gilberto.
Fuck that guy.
850
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:41,345
I don't care about the man.
851
00:44:42,346 --> 00:44:44,306
I will tell you the real reason why
852
00:44:44,390 --> 00:44:46,308
Mind Crime:
The Kanibal Police Real Story
853
00:44:46,392 --> 00:44:48,727
fucks me so hard every time I watch it.
854
00:44:48,811 --> 00:44:50,521
Even before I get into the following,
855
00:44:50,604 --> 00:44:52,439
I need everyone here
to promise me now
856
00:44:52,523 --> 00:44:54,400
You will be very cool.
857
00:44:56,443 --> 00:44:59,238
Can we do that?
Can we become adults ?
All right?
858
00:44:59,947 --> 00:45:02,574
Because I tried to do the next thing
in Seattle a few nights ago,
859
00:45:02,658 --> 00:45:05,119
and they were whores
about that, okay?
860
00:45:05,202 --> 00:45:07,830
And I expect more from New York.
So, let's be really cool.
861
00:45:07,913 --> 00:45:09,998
Can we do that, please, for me?
OK
862
00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:12,960
Thank you.
I will trust you.
863
00:45:15,462 --> 00:45:16,672
All right.
864
00:45:20,050 --> 00:45:22,219
So I have seen every ISIS video.
865
00:45:25,055 --> 00:45:26,849
Mereka semua.
866
00:45:26,932 --> 00:45:29,059
Seen every ISIS propaganda video,
867
00:45:29,143 --> 00:45:31,186
recruitment of videos, hostage videos.
868
00:45:31,270 --> 00:45:32,771
I'm looking for them.
869
00:45:34,606 --> 00:45:37,818
I won't say I'm a fan.
Right?
I won't get that far.
870
00:45:38,527 --> 00:45:40,779
But what I will say,
I work in the television industry.
871
00:45:40,863 --> 00:45:41,989
I work in Hollywood .
872
00:45:42,072 --> 00:45:44,199
And there is an undeniable fact
about this ISIS video.
873
00:45:44,283 --> 00:45:46,160
They are very well made.
874
00:45:46,243 --> 00:45:48,829
Production value
on This ISIS video...
875
00:45:52,124 --> 00:45:53,834
Okay, I feel super alone here,
876
00:45:53,917 --> 00:45:55,419
uh, to be honest.
877
00:45:55,502 --> 00:45:58,172
It's like, I'm the only one
Who is watching a lot of ISIS videos?
878
00:45:59,465 --> 00:46:03,635
It's okay.
I understand.
No one saw
these videos caused scary ISIS.
879
00:46:03,719 --> 00:46:05,512
You can quote me about that.
880
00:46:05,596 --> 00:46:07,973
Hot take: ISIS is scary.
881
00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:13,562
No one is watching this video.
I think there
is a misunderstanding in the United States
882
00:46:13,645 --> 00:46:18,400
that video ISIS is like the Al-Qaeda video.
883
00:46:19,109 --> 00:46:21,069
No, how dare you.
Like, real.
884
00:46:21,153 --> 00:46:23,780
Al-Qaeda video?
Do you remember that crap?
885
00:46:24,573 --> 00:46:25,991
That's like 15 years ago.
886
00:46:26,074 --> 00:46:27,951
It's like, Osama bin Laden in a cave
887
00:46:28,035 --> 00:46:31,205
with, like, Dell laptops,
external webcam.
888
00:46:31,288 --> 00:46:34,333
There are, like, no narratives.
No, bad luck has changed.
889
00:46:34,416 --> 00:46:36,043
This ISIS dudes, they have...
890
00:46:36,126 --> 00:46:38,879
They have , like, Final Cut Pro,
After effect,
891
00:46:38,962 --> 00:46:41,924
multi-language narration,
the score is tight.
892
00:46:45,135 --> 00:46:46,970
I am watching this ISIS video
that night...
893
00:46:49,556 --> 00:46:51,308
and they have unmanned aircraft.
894
00:46:52,226 --> 00:46:55,312
Right?
Like a buzz with a camera on it.
895
00:46:55,395 --> 00:46:59,316
And this drone has just flown
some slums in Syria somewhere.
896
00:46:59,900 --> 00:47:01,902
Recording Crunchy HD, right?
897
00:47:03,570 --> 00:47:06,323
And at one point,
the camera is slightly tilted.
898
00:47:06,406 --> 00:47:09,368
There is a lens flare,
and I loudly like...
899
00:47:11,078 --> 00:47:13,664
"Who is the DP on this ISIS video?"
900
00:47:14,331 --> 00:47:15,499
That shit is amazing.
901
00:47:20,963 --> 00:47:23,423
And I know ISIS...
I am not trying to be eloquent about ISIS.
902
00:47:23,507 --> 00:47:24,883
I know ISIS is scary.
903
00:47:24,967 --> 00:47:26,885
You know what makes me afraid of ISIS?
This is the most frightening thing.
904
00:47:26,969 --> 00:47:29,304
ISIS can only say you are on ISIS.
905
00:47:31,515 --> 00:47:34,726
Maksud saya, omong kosong itu adalah tulang yang menusuk tulang.
Apakah Anda tahu apa yang saya katakan?
906
00:47:34,810 --> 00:47:39,064
Because, like, I'm sure there are only,
like, the nine actual members of ISIS,
907
00:47:39,147 --> 00:47:41,650
and they're all damn, like,
video editor, you know?
908
00:47:42,526 --> 00:47:44,486
Because what always happens?
What always happens?
909
00:47:44,570 --> 00:47:48,282
It's young, ambitious,
unaffiliated terrorists come out,
910
00:47:48,365 --> 00:47:51,493
Wolves, kill many people,
suicide.
911
00:47:52,077 --> 00:47:54,288
And then the next day,
ISIS released a statement.
912
00:47:54,371 --> 00:47:58,208
They were like,
"Um, yes. That person is on ISIS. " Send.
913
00:47:59,084 --> 00:48:02,296
The news is like, "He is on ISIS.
Can you believe that?" He is not on ISIS.
914
00:48:03,088 --> 00:48:04,590
But now he is on ISIS.
915
00:48:05,966 --> 00:48:07,551
That, like, my deepest concern in life,
916
00:48:07,634 --> 00:48:10,137
is that, at some point,
I will be arrested,
917
00:48:10,220 --> 00:48:12,472
it's possible to do this joke, right?
918
00:48:14,725 --> 00:48:18,562
The police will attack my house,
take my computer,
919
00:48:18,645 --> 00:48:20,439
see search history.
920
00:48:20,522 --> 00:48:24,735
This is like, ISIS, ISIS, ISIS, ISIS,
Cannibal Cop, pussy, ISIS, ISIS, you know.
921
00:48:25,777 --> 00:48:27,029
Nightmares.
922
00:48:27,738 --> 00:48:29,364
The police threw me in jail.
923
00:48:29,448 --> 00:48:32,576
ISIS knew about that.
They released a statement the following day.
924
00:48:32,659 --> 00:48:35,662
They were like, "Um,
Joe Mande is ISIS's official comic.
925
00:48:35,746 --> 00:48:38,832
We love that man.
Total ISIS.
Signed, ISIS. "
926
00:48:41,668 --> 00:48:45,839
What should I do?
I can't be jailed,
" Fuck you, ISIS! I'm not in ISIS! "
927
00:48:45,922 --> 00:48:49,593
They will only be like, "Actually, that is
ISIS humor textbook.
You are on ISIS."
928
00:48:50,177 --> 00:48:51,470
Send.
929
00:48:54,222 --> 00:48:56,683
I said I didn't want
to get cannibal-copped by ISIS.
930
00:48:56,767 --> 00:48:58,935
That's my fear in life.
931
00:49:00,646 --> 00:49:02,606
Because I'm not on ISIS.
932
00:49:10,113 --> 00:49:11,990
Even though, let's say I join ISIS, right?
933
00:49:12,074 --> 00:49:14,868
I'm thinking about things this was a few days ago.
Say I joined ISIS.
934
00:49:14,951 --> 00:49:16,370
I said with confidence,
935
00:49:16,453 --> 00:49:19,164
I thought I would be the best
ever happened to ISIS.
936
00:49:20,040 --> 00:49:24,378
They destroyed it, but are
their biggest problems now?
937
00:49:25,003 --> 00:49:27,589
There is no star power, right?
None.
938
00:49:27,673 --> 00:49:29,883
Like, can anyone here
name the leader of ISIS?
939
00:49:31,093 --> 00:49:34,554
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.
940
00:49:35,931 --> 00:49:37,349
May the Prophet protect him.
941
00:49:42,020 --> 00:49:43,146
How crazy is that ?
942
00:49:43,230 --> 00:49:45,649
He should be the leader
the most frightening terrorist group in the world,
943
00:49:45,732 --> 00:49:47,609
and no one here knows his name.
944
00:49:47,693 --> 00:49:50,487
How you will run the Caliphate
when no one knows your name,
945
00:49:50,570 --> 00:49:52,030
You are a notorious bitch?
946
00:49:54,700 --> 00:49:58,245
That's what I said, when I... < br /> If and when I joined ISIS, right...
947
00:50:00,122 --> 00:50:01,790
the first day I was bigger than Baghdadi.
948
00:50:01,873 --> 00:50:04,292
I was far more famous than that man.
They don't have people like me.
949
00:50:04,376 --> 00:50:07,754
I'm a successful American Jew.
I've been in Modern Family.
950
00:50:09,047 --> 00:50:10,298
That will be good for them.
951
00:50:10,382 --> 00:50:12,759
I can, like,
run their Twitter for a day or whatever.
952
00:50:13,009 --> 00:50:14,928
It will be, like, refreshing.
Honestly.
953
00:50:15,929 --> 00:50:17,514
Because they are imperfect
954
00:50:20,475 --> 00:50:22,436
I don't stand on stage
say ISIS is perfect.
955
00:50:22,519 --> 00:50:25,063
No, I have some constructive criticism.
956
00:50:25,981 --> 00:50:27,357
There are some notes.
957
00:50:27,858 --> 00:50:29,943
First of all, the flag.
What flag is that?
958
00:50:30,026 --> 00:50:32,446
You see the ISIS flag?
What is that?
959
00:50:33,530 --> 00:50:35,741
It's like Arabic Comic Sans .
960
00:50:36,283 --> 00:50:37,492
It's like...
961
00:50:37,576 --> 00:50:40,829
You have the best video editor in
games, and see your graphic design.
962
00:50:40,912 --> 00:50:43,123
That offends me. < br /> That is offensive.
963
00:50:45,041 --> 00:50:47,127
And I don't propose, like, a new font.
964
00:50:47,210 --> 00:50:49,671
My question is, like,
why do you all have words on your flag ?
965
00:50:49,755 --> 00:50:52,174
Your entire MO is recruiting illiterate people.
966
00:50:54,509 --> 00:50:56,511
Am I wrong?
967
00:50:56,595 --> 00:50:58,472
Get rid of the words.
968
00:50:58,555 --> 00:51:02,350
In fact, just take the pirate flag.
That is the public domain.
969
00:51:05,145 --> 00:51:08,315
I've been in the organization
five minutes, the new flag marijuana.
970
00:51:09,191 --> 00:51:11,985
Then we have to talk about the video This video,
like, you know.
971
00:51:12,068 --> 00:51:14,988
Let's be honest.
They are too long.
They are repetitive.
972
00:51:15,071 --> 00:51:17,282
They are sad like making love.
973
00:51:20,702 --> 00:51:22,788
That's where I think I will be very helpful .
974
00:51:22,871 --> 00:51:25,624
Like, if you've seen one behead,
you've seen a million, right?
975
00:51:25,707 --> 00:51:27,459
So before the second, I appeared,
976
00:51:27,542 --> 00:51:29,961
then like,
ISIS bloopers with Joe Mande.
977
00:51:30,045 --> 00:51:33,465
Like, show that they have a sense of humor,
bring levity to the organization.
978
00:51:36,551 --> 00:51:38,178
I can become a Tosh them.
979
00:51:41,139 --> 00:51:42,933
"Ta & apos; esh" .0, whatever.
980
00:51:45,143 --> 00:51:46,520
I'm not... Fuck with ISIS.
981
00:51:47,521 --> 00:51:49,689
Fuck ISIS, fuck Russia, fuck Trump .
982
00:51:49,773 --> 00:51:51,149
Like, when...
983
00:51:51,233 --> 00:51:52,567
Thank you.
984
00:51:54,277 --> 00:51:56,071
I just...
I'm glad we got this on film.
985
00:51:56,154 --> 00:51:59,616
Because I want it... I want it in the record
when World War III begins,
986
00:51:59,699 --> 00:52:02,369
I am Team China, my team is China.
987
00:52:03,161 --> 00:52:05,372
That's my squad. < br /> I wrestle with China.
988
00:52:06,373 --> 00:52:07,791
China, I love you.
989
00:52:07,874 --> 00:52:10,126
Uh, I just want to say
for my Chinese fans...
990
00:52:10,210 --> 00:52:11,878
This is only for my Chinese fans.
991
00:52:25,976 --> 00:52:27,602
Don't worry
It's not for you.
992
00:52:33,942 --> 00:52:35,902
Think I won you back.
993
00:52:36,444 --> 00:52:37,863
That was a real trip.
994
00:52:39,614 --> 00:52:42,284
How do you get out of the ISIS hole?
You know, it's real...
995
00:52:44,411 --> 00:52:46,037
This is a good question.
996
00:52:47,622 --> 00:52:51,418
You all smoke marijuana?
You smoke a little grass?
997
00:52:52,586 --> 00:52:54,754
Gotcha.
Have them back.
I got them back.
Yes!
998
00:52:57,632 --> 00:53:01,344
Is it weed is legal in New York yet?
How does it work for everyone?
999
00:53:01,428 --> 00:53:02,637
No?
1000
00:53:03,430 --> 00:53:06,558
Uh... Okay, so I understand
how many people feel tonight,
1001
00:53:06,641 --> 00:53:09,102
uh, applaud if you support
legalize marijuana.
1002
00:53:09,185 --> 00:53:11,187
So that I can... All right.
1003
00:53:12,355 --> 00:53:14,441
That's most of the room.
Good.
Thank you.
1004
00:53:15,233 --> 00:53:16,985
I thought I was against it.
1005
00:53:18,278 --> 00:53:19,613
Right?
1006
00:53:19,696 --> 00:53:21,948
I smoke marijuana for more than half of my life.
1007
00:53:22,032 --> 00:53:24,326
And I live in California.
It's legal there now.
1008
00:53:24,409 --> 00:53:28,622
And, um, what I've learned is that
the more marijuana becomes legal,
1009
00:53:28,705 --> 00:53:30,165
the stronger it is.
1010
00:53:30,832 --> 00:53:34,794
To the point that in Los Angeles, weeds are
basically hard drugs at this point.
1011
00:53:34,878 --> 00:53:38,340
Like, I can't smoke marijuana anymore.
It's heartbreaking to me.
1012
00:53:38,965 --> 00:53:42,802
Like, now when I go to a party in LA
and I share with a friend,
1013
00:53:42,886 --> 00:53:45,889
like, 30 seconds passed
and I lost my senses.
1014
00:53:45,972 --> 00:53:47,891
Such was not even fun.
Like I lost my mind.
1015
00:53:47,974 --> 00:53:51,394
I will see my friend and be like,
"Uh, yo. Yo, can I ask you something?
1016
00:53:51,478 --> 00:53:55,523
Uh, does the air get into your nose
and come out of your mouth,
1017
00:53:55,607 --> 00:53:57,776
or in your mouth and out of your nose?
1018
00:53:57,859 --> 00:54:00,528
I don't remember how to do it. "
1019
00:54:02,238 --> 00:54:04,783
" Don't worry. Don't worry.
I won't do it either. "
1020
00:54:07,327 --> 00:54:09,955
Sometimes I get really tall
that if I'm too many people,
1021
00:54:10,038 --> 00:54:13,583
I'll lock myself in the bathroom
and interrogate myself in the mirror
1022
00:54:13,667 --> 00:54:16,670
like a detective murder
on a TV show.
1023
00:54:16,753 --> 00:54:18,797
Right?
I, like, slammed the door, locked it.
1024
00:54:18,880 --> 00:54:22,467
Be like, "Joe, what the hell, trash bird?
Why are you feeling so crazy?
1025
00:54:22,550 --> 00:54:24,219
You came to a normal party,
now you're crazy.
1026
00:54:24,302 --> 00:54:25,929
Why are you feeling so crazy, you bastard? "
1027
00:54:26,805 --> 00:54:28,556
And I will be like," Oh, I don't know, man.
1028
00:54:28,640 --> 00:54:31,685
Like, I came to a party,
and then I'm normal,
1029
00:54:31,768 --> 00:54:34,270
then we come out, then...
1030
00:54:34,354 --> 00:54:38,108
Oh, I remember.
Oh
Then we smoke cancer drugs. "
1031
00:54:40,986 --> 00:54:44,406
Like that.
This is medical marijuana.
That's the goal.
1032
00:54:44,864 --> 00:54:47,242
Have you ever been so tall that you,
" You know what will become an anesthetic?
1033
00:54:47,325 --> 00:54:51,162
If I'm in a hospital bed now...
with cancer...
1034
00:54:54,416 --> 00:54:57,377
instead of trying not to cry
at concert R Kelly. "
1035
00:54:58,044 --> 00:55:00,171
Kisah nyata.
1036
00:55:04,551 --> 00:55:06,428
But I don't want you to think I hate wild grass.
1037
00:55:06,928 --> 00:55:09,222
I like wild grass.
I'll go in, like, five minutes.
1038
00:55:13,226 --> 00:55:16,187
This is the problem. < br /> I'm not, like, smart.
I haven't done much with my life yet.
1039
00:55:16,271 --> 00:55:19,983
But one thing I know for sure,
if I have wisdom, this is this.
1040
00:55:20,066 --> 00:55:24,571
One of the greatest pleasures in life is to be
to be very tall and go to TV recordings.
1041
00:55:24,654 --> 00:55:27,240
That's the best.
I have done it many times.
1042
00:55:27,323 --> 00:55:29,701
I used to internship
on the Maury Povich Show.
1043
00:55:29,784 --> 00:55:34,164
I will only light up every day and go
to recordings like, "Yes. Father's test."
1044
00:55:36,541 --> 00:55:39,127
No, I already know the answer.
1045
00:55:41,087 --> 00:55:42,255
Best.
1046
00:55:42,964 --> 00:55:46,551
Begini masalahnya.
Selalu menyenangkan.
Kamu
tinggal di New York.
Lakukan sekali saja.
Itu bagus.
1047
00:55:46,634 --> 00:55:48,678
Always fun.
Except if not.
1048
00:55:50,638 --> 00:55:52,974
Because when it's not fun,
is really not fun.
1049
00:55:53,641 --> 00:55:56,895
I have experience about five years ago
When I lived here in New York.
1050
00:55:56,978 --> 00:55:59,481
My best friend is Noah and me,
we eat pan brownies,
1051
00:55:59,564 --> 00:56:03,985
and then we go to the recording
from Fox News, Huckabee talk shows.
1052
00:56:05,653 --> 00:56:08,073
Yes.
Organized by the former governor of Arkansas,
1053
00:56:08,156 --> 00:56:12,869
and maybe, like, future ambassadors
for Chick-fil-A, Mike Huckabee.
1054
00:56:16,915 --> 00:56:19,292
So I got the ticket
through my spam folder, right?
1055
00:56:19,375 --> 00:56:22,045
And I pressed "print."
1056
00:56:22,128 --> 00:56:24,255
Noah came to my apartment
in Brooklyn.
1057
00:56:24,339 --> 00:56:27,258
We both ate these pan brownies,
uh, what I made.
1058
00:56:28,259 --> 00:56:30,470
We waited an hour for they are to kick.
1059
00:56:30,553 --> 00:56:33,348
And when we left my apartment,
Noah stopped me and he was like,
1060
00:56:33,431 --> 00:56:36,059
"No, we can't go. They will think
we plan something."
1061
00:56:36,893 --> 00:56:39,813
And I know what he means.
I like,
"Damn, you're right. What are we doing? "
1062
00:56:40,897 --> 00:56:42,524
He thought for a while and he left...
1063
00:56:43,149 --> 00:56:45,902
" It's okay.
We just have to dress like Republicans. "
1064
00:56:46,694 --> 00:56:47,612
Right?
1065
00:56:47,695 --> 00:56:50,824
So we returned to my apartment,
into my closet,
1066
00:56:50,907 --> 00:56:52,784
we both wore suits and ties. >
1067
00:56:53,368 --> 00:56:54,369
That's it.
1068
00:56:55,829 --> 00:56:58,331
We took the train to Midtown Manhattan
1069
00:56:58,414 --> 00:57:00,500
to Fox News headquarters...
1070
00:57:01,334 --> 00:57:02,627
and we tried to blend in.
1071
00:57:02,710 --> 00:57:05,213
>
1072
00:57:05,296 --> 00:57:07,549
"Excuse me sir.
Drill.
Drill, baby, drill."
1073
00:57:07,632 --> 00:57:10,468
Just, like, so excited and weird.
1074
00:57:12,387 --> 00:57:14,389
We go in for Huckabee recordings,
1075
00:57:14,472 --> 00:57:19,686
and it becomes very clear that we...
are really overdressed, right?
1076
00:57:19,769 --> 00:57:22,188
Like no one thinks too much
into it like we did.
1077
00:57:22,272 --> 00:57:26,317
Everyone there to see the Huckabee Show
like a slob in sweatpants.
1078
00:57:26,401 --> 00:57:30,196
And then this one Asian family
who saw line and enter it.
1079
00:57:33,575 --> 00:57:35,952
But I say, by comparison,
we look amazing.
1080
00:57:36,035 --> 00:57:39,289
And when we walked into the studio,
this production assistant see us,
1081
00:57:39,372 --> 00:57:42,292
"You are costumed, please,
here.
Sit in the front row.
1082
00:57:42,375 --> 00:57:44,669
Here in the front row.
There . "
1083
00:57:44,752 --> 00:57:48,840
Noah and I sat down, and we looked for
on all of these cameras facing the audience.
1084
00:57:48,923 --> 00:57:52,802
And we messed up.
Like, not okay.
1085
00:57:53,470 --> 00:57:55,221
Like , we use edible material.
1086
00:57:55,305 --> 00:57:57,807
No one has ever edibles,
then after that like,
1087
00:57:57,891 --> 00:58:00,226
"Do you know what?
That's a good idea.
1088
00:58:00,310 --> 00:58:02,937
That's fun all the time,
1089
00:58:03,021 --> 00:58:06,733
and I feel myself in control
and my environment.
1090
00:58:06,816 --> 00:58:08,818
That's cool.
It's cool all the time . "
1091
00:58:08,902 --> 00:58:12,405
Like, no.
Like, it should not be
already in public.
We messed up.
1092
00:58:12,489 --> 00:58:15,867
We ran teeth and sweat .
We look crazy.
1093
00:58:20,455 --> 00:58:24,167
And, uh, finally Mike Huckabee
the house band started playing.
1094
00:58:24,250 --> 00:58:26,294
He has a home band
called The Little Rockers.
1095
00:58:26,377 --> 00:58:28,630
Kanan?
1096
00:58:30,089 --> 00:58:33,968
So Little Rockers start playing, like,
"Mustang Sally" or damn nonsense.
1097
00:58:35,178 --> 00:58:37,347
Curtains open,
Mike Huckabee comes out.
1098
00:58:37,430 --> 00:58:39,641
He rocking in front of us.
1099
00:58:40,016 --> 00:58:43,853
And when he passed,
Noah and I lost our shit.
1100
00:58:43,937 --> 00:58:46,731
We just lost it.
We experienced hyperventilation < br /> we laugh so hard.
1101
00:58:46,814 --> 00:58:50,235
We, like, can't breathe.
Like, snot wet our faces.
1102
00:58:51,694 --> 00:58:53,696
Because we realize where we are, right ?
1103
00:58:54,781 --> 00:58:56,115
And this is a talk show.
1104
00:58:56,199 --> 00:58:58,535
So Mike Huckabee, he stands up
as close as I am to you, right?
1105
00:58:58,618 --> 00:59:03,373
And he starts do a joke monologue.
Right?
About, like, current events.
1106
00:59:03,456 --> 00:59:08,169
And from his point of view,
he destroys, right?
1107
00:59:08,253 --> 00:59:11,047
Because these two devil-eyed Republicans
in the front row
1108
00:59:11,130 --> 00:59:14,717
just laugh at everything
he says, like, exchanges.
1109
00:59:19,347 --> 00:59:21,891
So, Mike Huckabee sit
on his desk, and he's like,
1110
00:59:21,975 --> 00:59:25,853
"Uh, gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, this is
a very special episode of Huckabee.
1111
00:59:25,937 --> 00:59:27,730
I have a cohost celebrity.
1112
00:59:27,814 --> 00:59:30,316
You might know him
as Miss Las Vegas himself.
1113
00:59:30,400 --> 00:59:33,695
Give it to Rita Rudner! "
1114
00:59:34,529 --> 00:59:36,197
The curtain opens again.
1115
00:59:36,281 --> 00:59:38,866
>
1116
00:59:38,950 --> 00:59:40,577
Rita Rudner comes, like,
clip-clopping in these high heels.
1117
00:59:40,660 --> 00:59:44,455
He walks in front of us.
1118
00:59:44,956 --> 00:59:47,083
Um, I don't know why this happened,
but I cried.
1119
00:59:49,794 --> 00:59:52,297
I'm just... I'm really overwhelmed.
1120
00:59:53,006 --> 00:59:56,217
I look to my left.
Noah is dry, huh?
1121
00:59:56,301 --> 00:59:59,012
Because of him... he was drunk too.
Forgot to mention that.
1122
00:59:59,095 --> 01:00:01,431
He drunk and also high.
1123
01:00:03,141 --> 01:00:04,767
We fall apart.
1124
01:00:05,393 --> 01:00:09,480
We sit there.
The recording is four hours, right?
1125
01:00:09,564 --> 01:00:11,524
We are there all day .
1126
01:00:11,608 --> 01:00:14,569
I've never been more bored and afraid
in my life.
1127
01:00:15,903 --> 01:00:19,324
And about three hours into the recording,
I sit there, and I see
1128
01:00:19,407 --> 01:00:22,243
and I make eye contact
with this cameraman.
1129
01:00:22,327 --> 01:00:24,662
And this cameraman just looks at me.
1130
01:00:24,746 --> 01:00:28,458
And I have to keep looking at him.
I don't know what the problem is.
1131
01:00:29,584 --> 01:00:32,295
Finally,
he walked away from his original camera.
1132
01:00:33,046 --> 01:00:35,340
He, uh, patted my shoulder.
1133
01:00:35,423 --> 01:00:39,802
And he whispered in my ears.
He leaves,
"Uh, you know I'm calling the police, right?"
1134
01:00:41,638 --> 01:00:43,765
Yes, and guess what.
It doesn't handle well.
1135
01:00:43,848 --> 01:00:45,767
I don't handle that well at all.
1136
01:00:45,850 --> 01:00:48,311
I like, "No, sir. Please don't call
the police.
We are not here.
1137
01:00:48,394 --> 01:00:50,521
We know we are not here.
We will go on our own.
1138
01:00:50,605 --> 01:00:53,191
Please.
We will go on our own accord. "
I keep saying" will. "
1139
01:00:57,403 --> 01:01:00,657
And the cameraman, like, is scared.
He doesn't know what I'm talking.
1140
01:01:01,658 --> 01:01:04,410
So he bent back
and he slowly repeated himself.
1141
01:01:04,494 --> 01:01:09,916
He went, "Uh, no.
I said my camera came through here.
1142
01:01:11,959 --> 01:01:14,962
Only... I have to move my camera. "
1143
01:01:17,507 --> 01:01:20,426
Right?
I have complete auditory hallucinations.
1144
01:01:22,553 --> 01:01:25,556
I am trying to cover up.
I like, "Yes.
Whatever.
Don't call the police, man.
1145
01:01:25,640 --> 01:01:28,226
Just do your work.
Deliberate , You know. "
1146
01:01:32,897 --> 01:01:34,857
But somehow we got out of there without injury.
1147
01:01:34,941 --> 01:01:37,443
Then Noah and I spent the next time, like,
just three or four hours, like ,
1148
01:01:37,527 --> 01:01:40,655
wandering around Manhattan
trying to be aware.
1149
01:01:40,738 --> 01:01:43,324
We returned to Brooklyn,
we sat on my couch,
1150
01:01:43,408 --> 01:01:45,618
eh , we become tall again.
1151
01:01:46,577 --> 01:01:50,248
And I turn on my TV to Huckabee.
I record Huckabee.
1152
01:01:50,832 --> 01:01:52,667
We want to watch the show
we just watch.
1153
01:01:53,960 --> 01:01:55,128
So Noah and I, we became tall
1154
01:01:55,211 --> 01:01:58,381
and we watched a full hour
the edited version of Huckabee,
1155
01:01:58,464 --> 01:02:01,676
dan sampai hari ini,
Saya tidak pernah melihat sesuatu yang lebih kacau.
1156
01:02:02,635 --> 01:02:06,347
Like I said, we are in the front row,
all of these cameras face us.
1157
01:02:06,431 --> 01:02:09,142
But every time one of us
wants to enter a frame,
1158
01:02:09,225 --> 01:02:12,145
it will, like,
quickly switch to a different camera angle.
1159
01:02:12,228 --> 01:02:16,733
Like, for a full hour.
Need an editor,
like, lots of work to unites us.
1160
01:02:20,987 --> 01:02:23,156
And when it's over,
I see Noah and I like,
1161
01:02:23,239 --> 01:02:24,782
"Dude, you know what that means, right?
1162
01:02:25,616 --> 01:02:27,994
Either we are very chaotic today
1163
01:02:28,077 --> 01:02:31,664
that Fox News doesn't feel comfortable
putting us on television...
1164
01:02:32,457 --> 01:02:34,667
or we get very high this morning...
1165
01:02:35,293 --> 01:02:37,962
p>
1166
01:02:40,173 --> 01:02:43,384
we never even went
Mike Huckabee's record. "
1167
01:02:44,802 --> 01:02:47,597
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
1168
01:02:48,556 --> 01:02:49,974
Thank you very much.
1169
01:02:54,771 --> 01:02:56,105
Straight from Hollywood,
1170
01:02:56,189 --> 01:02:58,858
189th American Humor Award,
1171
01:02:58,941 --> 01:03:01,152
with your host Andy Richter.
1172
01:03:02,820 --> 01:03:04,530
Thank you.
Thank you.
1173
01:03:04,614 --> 01:03:06,073
Hello everyone.
I'm Andy Richter.
1174
01:03:06,157 --> 01:03:10,244
I'm very happy to be here hosting
American Humor Award.
1175
01:03:10,328 --> 01:03:12,622
Alright, let's get there right away.
1176
01:03:12,705 --> 01:03:16,459
Categories Our last and only one was
that night...
1177
01:03:16,542 --> 01:03:19,003
The American Humor Award.
1178
01:03:19,086 --> 01:03:20,296
The nominees were
1179
01:03:20,379 --> 01:03:24,133
Nick Kroll: Krolling with Punches.
1180
01:03:25,092 --> 01:03:28,387
Kristen Schaal: Schaal Ready for This?
1181
01:03:29,305 --> 01:03:32,391
Chelsea Peretti: Peretti or Not.
1182
01:03:33,351 --> 01:03:36,938
Ron Funches: Ron Tells That.
1183
01:03:37,772 --> 01:03:43,277
Dan Joe Mande: Joe Mande
Komedi Khusus Pemenang Penghargaan.
1184
01:03:44,362 --> 01:03:47,365
And the American Humor Award falls on...
1185
01:03:47,949 --> 01:03:50,409
Wait.
What is that... Is this true?
1186
01:03:50,493 --> 01:03:51,744
This is a series!
1187
01:03:51,828 --> 01:03:57,208
A four-way tie between Nick Kroll, Chelsea
Peretti, Ron Funches and Kristen Schaal!
1188
01:03:57,834 --> 01:04:00,127
This is the first win
and the first nomination
1189
01:04:00,211 --> 01:04:02,463
for Nick Kroll , Chelsea Peretti,
Ron Funches...
1190
01:04:02,547 --> 01:04:04,507
Almost all of you win!
1191
01:04:04,590 --> 01:04:06,509
- That's amazing!
- My father!
Yeah Here!
1192
01:04:06,592 --> 01:04:08,427
- Congratulations!
- Yes!
1193
01:04:08,970 --> 01:04:10,805
- Oh.
- Oh.
1194
01:04:12,306 --> 01:04:14,475
Um, thank you.
1195
01:04:14,559 --> 01:04:17,854
Uh, but seriously, we just want to thank
all the managers and agents and lawyers
1196
01:04:17,937 --> 01:04:19,146
who made this possible.
1197
01:04:19,230 --> 01:04:22,441
And the fans.
We are very grateful
laughter and support.
Your love.
1198
01:04:22,525 --> 01:04:25,111
- Thank you very much.
- We are the last four!
1199
01:04:26,320 --> 01:04:29,782
They always say it's fun
just to be nominated, but not!
1200
01:04:29,866 --> 01:04:32,577
- Yes!
- Here is the place!
1201
01:04:33,119 --> 01:04:35,288
You know, no someone likes to lose.
1202
01:04:35,371 --> 01:04:36,497
Uh...
1203
01:04:37,456 --> 01:04:39,959
I think that...
I think it's good for me.
Honestly.
1204
01:04:40,042 --> 01:04:44,255
I have learned a lot over the past few weeks
since... since the show.
1205
01:04:44,338 --> 01:04:49,302
And, um, I've learned that it's true
is a journey, not a destination.
1206
01:04:49,385 --> 01:04:53,472
I don't need a trophy to tell me
whether I'm a good comedian or not.
1207
01:04:53,556 --> 01:04:55,016
Because I know...
1208
01:04:55,099 --> 01:04:56,392
Sorry.
1209
01:04:57,184 --> 01:04:59,687
I should have put a sign on the door
or something.
1210
01:04:59,770 --> 01:05:02,481
This is really...
This is very unprofessional.
1211
01:05:03,482 --> 01:05:05,109
Hello?
Oh, hi.
1212
01:05:06,986 --> 01:05:08,529
Cool.
Thank you.
1213
01:05:10,364 --> 01:05:11,949
Package.
1214
01:05:26,714 --> 01:05:30,509
"Dear Joe, When I watched The American
Humor Award on TV that night,
1215
01:05:30,593 --> 01:05:34,263
I was surprised and sad to see that
you didn't end up being the chosen winner.
1216
01:05:34,347 --> 01:05:37,683
In my opinion, you are robbed!
You do everything right:
1217
01:05:37,767 --> 01:05:39,518
prefix,
1218
01:05:39,602 --> 01:05:41,103
clothes,
1219
01:05:41,187 --> 01:05:42,438
break applause
1220
01:05:42,521 --> 01:05:43,731
Your specialness is perfect!
1221
01:05:43,814 --> 01:05:46,233
Destroying my heart
You don't go home with a trophy.
1222
01:05:46,317 --> 01:05:47,860
So if there is consolation...
1223
01:05:48,569 --> 01:05:53,491
I have decided to send you
my American Humor Award from 1983.
1224
01:05:53,991 --> 01:05:55,284
All the best.
1225
01:05:55,785 --> 01:05:59,580
Your friend, Dr. Bill Cosby. "
1226
01:06:02,416 --> 01:06:04,085
♪ I'm better than everyone ♪
1227
01:06:04,168 --> 01:06:07,254
♪ I'm better than everyone ♪
♪ I'm better than everyone ♪
1228
01:06:07,338 --> 01:06:09,757
♪ Shut up
I'm better than everyone ♪
1229
01:06:09,840 --> 01:06:11,342
♪ I'm better than everyone ♪
1230
01:06:11,425 --> 01:06:14,804
♪ I'm better than everyone ♪
♪ I'm more good of all ♪
1231
01:06:15,763 --> 01:06:18,557
♪ Gills on my neck, bitch
Call me Kevin Costner ♪
1232
01:06:18,641 --> 01:06:21,769
♪ Crazy because I'm dead, ho
Call me Laura Palmer ♪
1233
01:06:21,852 --> 01:06:25,147
♪ Young bastards
And I skeet everyone ♪
1234
01:06:25,231 --> 01:06:27,024
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