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How are you all?
My name is Joe Mande.
I am a comedian, and in two weeks,
I shot my first special one hour comedy.
Sounds stupid to some people, but I consider comedy very serious .
We forgot the pizza sent by Domino.
That's funny.
This is my life. I eat, breathe, poop comedy and make love.
That's why this is special is a big problem for me.
I have to do it right, and I think if I can fulfill my potential....
I can win the American Humor Award.
This is the most prestigious award in comedy.
All of these industry legends have won:
Whoopi Goldberg, Seinfeld, Todd Barry.
This list continues.
And as you can see, I made some spaces here on my bookshelf
for the American Humor Award trophy.
It's kind of lonely there now, but that looks good.
Well, thank you for meeting me, friend.
I think, because we are friends and you both of them have won the American Humor Award,
I think I can a little quick advice from you.
You think you can win Americans. Humor Award in your first special?
- Um, yeah. - He has a personality, first of all.
When he walks out, everyone will like it.
Judges will like it. Are you aware of a judge?
But the judges... This is not just about him and his material.
This is a design that is set, it's the wardrobe.
Intro is very big for the judges . Do you know the judge will be there?
I just need to know what to do to win. What is the process?
This is what judges want from the intro. Real. </ P>
Smart, smart. Yes. </ P>
- You shot in New York? < br /> - Right.
Black-white, slow-mo, city shots.
You and the city and people and traffic and...
- Yes - All that crap, like a hot dog cart.
- Yeah Taxi. - Horse.
So really just emphasizing that I'm in New York.
- You're a Jew, right? - I'm Jewish, huh. </ p >
- Damn. - All right.
- You need ten resting applause. - At least ten.
- And you can't give them too close a distance. - Ten applauses... </ p >
- Right. - Dear God.
- And most importantly. - Director.
Good . - Make sure you get...
the best you can get.
Who do you know? Who do you use? </ p >
I was thinking about getting my friend Dan.
- Who is that and? - Your friend and?
He did a pilot last year. I heard that's good. </ P>
- I don't think so. - This will sound evil. </ P>
You're nobody, you're nothing, you kind of shit.
- That seems evil. Yes. - That's evil.
You have to get it a director who has a name.
Okay, I need a famous director.
- Yes -1964. I won. </ P>
It was the first time I won. I have a very famous director. </ P>
Joel Schumacher. You may have heard of him.
Because I have done Batman Forever with him.
-1984, Kevin Costner directed him. - Damn.
And 2004... McG?
- Of course. - McG, yes.
- McG directs you specifically? - Legendary. Yes.
Look, working with McG, man,
he lets you do what you want to do, have fun, and he loves to laugh.
- Can I get McG, do you think? - You get everything you need. You don't need us.
You will be fine, and if not, who cares?
Are you okay? I've never seen you miss like that before.
I was really disturbed. < br /> I'm sorry
I'm filming my special next week,
and I still haven't found a famous director.
- Oh Man, that's annoying. - Yes
I've asked everyone. I've asked Ang Lee, Michael Bay.
Even Wachowskis did it, like, some crazy, like, trans futuristic things.
They don't like it.
How do you even, like, relate to those people?
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It doesn't look like a very good system.
Very? What is e- mail you again?
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I don't know what's wrong with these people.
It doesn't seem too difficult to direct special stand-up.
How will I do it, only two cameras, one close, one head-to-finger feet.
Put one on the jib, just let it rock and roll.
- Sure. - You know?
You don't need famous people to direct you specifically.
Dude, you're right. I don't really need it famous people are there.
Yah, bukan itu yang saya katakan.
No, exactly as you said, and that's great.
I will say Roman Polanski directs my specialty.
I don't think it's an idea good, friend.
That's your idea, and I appreciate it.
It's a lie.
- He can sue you. - Oh, my God, I hope he will sue me.
Are you kidding me? He must go back to America.
He will be arrested. I am a national hero.
Please promise me, for my sake, please, don't do this.
Blake, look, man. You are my friend.
- You know that. - That's right. </ P>
- I won't do it. - Thank you. </ P>
- Maybe it will only upset people. < br /> - Exac... Thank you.
Hey, I've been wanting to ask you a long time, um...
Do you think maybe I can shoot in a few days?
- What do you think we are doing here? - You're right. That's stupid.
p>
- Yes - Good.
Here you go.
Wow. Still understand, friend.
I know you have it. </ P>
Can't wait to see something special. </ P>
Oh, I saw it, I saw it. </ P>
Hi, Joe. Uh, your show starts in two minutes. </ P>
Cursing. I think you can say this is my time. </ P>
♪ I'm better than everything I'm better than everyone ♪
♪ I'm better than everyone Be quiet ♪
♪ I'm better than everyone I'm better than everyone ♪
♪ Gills on my neck, bitch Call me Kevin Costner ♪
♪ Crazy because I'm dead, ho Call me Laura Palmer ♪
Thank you . Thank you.
Damn it. Man, come on.
New York, thank you. Cool.
Not predictable. People stand dissatisfied.
Mark it. Thank you for coming. Damn it.
New York , how are everyone? Good?
It's great to be here.
Um... So I, uh, look, I'm ethnically ambiguous.
Whoo
No one knows exactly who I am. This is interesting.
And I grew up... I've lived in the city big city most of my life,
and what I've learned is that, wherever I am,
people just sort of assume I'm one of them.
Does that make sense?
I used to live in Brooklyn very, like, the Puerto Rican neighborhood ,
and all the time I lived there, everyone thought I was Puerto Rican.
I have a pit bull, so that helps, you know .
But if anyone tries to get my attention on the road,
they will be like, "Hey, bro! Papi!"
And I will turn all confused like, "What? </ P>
I? Do you think I'm complacent? No no no. </ P>
You're wrong understand. I'm the furthest thing from papi. "
Listen to how I say bro.
Uh, about four years ago, I moved to Los Angeles .
I moved to the neighborhood called Little Armenia.
So everyone thinks I'm a little Armenian, which...
I don't know, that alright.
One of my best friends in Los Angeles is a black woman.
Not to brag.
We have become partners work for years, and he just told me recently
that for the first six months we worked together,
he thought I was black
Do you understand?
A black woman like,
"Yes, I think you a black man with light skin."
And I look at it, I'm like, "Aisha, actually...
that's the best thing ever told me." </ p >
I am a 33-year-old Jewish man.
That's all I've ever wanted in my life
is a bright moment with black people where they are confused like,
"What? You don't... I thought you were black. "
Like, the confetti cannon exploded behind me.
Lo's" Luchini "camp started playing.
It was a black song .
I married about a year and a half ago to a human woman.
Thank you. Doing it. Doing it. </ p >
Um...
The problem is, before we get married, my wife and I, we date...
"date" for more than ten years .
Dear God. Yes I know.
It's too long. I was told it was too long.
I don't know what my agreement. I dragged my foot.
I have no reason other than I tend to overestimate something,
and whenever she is married in a conversation,
I will be like, "Well, why is the government
Does anyone say if we love each other?"
I, like, that bastard.
But then I wake up one morning a few years ago,
I looked at it, I was like, "I like this person.
I want to spend the rest of my life with him,
and I don't want to risk losing him and again using a condom. "</ P>
No, not at all. </ P>
So that's my application. </ P>
He said yes. </ P>
One of our favorite things to done when we first started dating years ago
is that we will go home and watch dating shows.
That, like, our things, and, uh,
I think of my favorite TV shows of all time , I don't know if anyone remembers it,
is a MTV dating program called Next.
Yes.
Some Next - heads up people.
Not only, for me, that's all the best TV shows of all time,
I think, actually, that was the peak of humanity.
Like, you can't tell me that things are getting better because Next is canceled.
Everything is gone, like, straight to the toilet.
Next the best. If you are not a family...
Next is a dating event on Music Television...
and how it works
MTV will find, like, a young girl 19 years old.
She will be like, "Hi, my name is Crystal.
I am 19 years old, and I'm looking for a husband. ”
And MTV will be like, " Crystal, good news.
We found three people. They are perfect husband's ingredients.
They are all publishers from San Diego. "</ P>
" And they have all been pounding the vodka feeling
behind this party bus all afternoon. "</ P>
And the party bus will stop,
and the first announcer will go down the stairs and be like,
"What's wrong? I wear flip-flops. "</ P>
And then Crystal and Deejay Flip-Flops,
eh, mereka akan berkencan, kan?
And the date next, it will be, like, 3 pm,
Van Nuys, California.
These two idiots will walk to the candy shop.
Right? And make, like, anal beads from Skittles.
You know, like a date.
What what usually happens is that Crystal is and Deejay Flip-Flops,
there is no connection, he doesn't like it,
he uses too many yellow Skittles.
And at any time, he can stand up, directly to his face and go, "Next!"
It's embarrassing, right?
This poor man have to get up,
like, calmly walk back on the party bus and be like, "I have & apos; next." "
Then the second announcer will jump, go down the stairs and be like,
"What's wrong? I'm wearing cargo shorts."
And then Crystal and Deejay Cargo Shorts will go on a completely different date.
This will be, like, 4:30 a.m. ,> Van Nuys, California.
They will cross the street for, like, a day spa
and, like, wax each pubic hair.
Dating.
What makes the event extraordinary
sometimes Crystal will capture feelings for the announcer,
and instead of shouting "Next" to his face,
he will go like this, he will like, "Um, Deejay Cargo Shorts,
p>
I just feel like we have a very strong connection.
So I will stop this date, and you have to make a decision.
with one dollar for every minute we are together...
So you can go with, literally, $ 37. "
" Or you can go home with me and go on a second date. "
That's when dirt gets good,
Because suddenly the perspective of the whole show
turning to Deejay Cargo Shorts perspective and puzzle,
like, "Damn, did I take $ 37...
or try to make my cock wet?"
The best performances of all time. There are no questions.
Like I said, I dated my wife... now my wife...
p>
I dated him for more than ten years.
I pretend to be in my head, we are in just an endless episode of Next, right?
And anytime, we will date,
It's like a fancy place like Chipotle, right?
And I'll be like, "Kylie, look. I like the way you eat...
the burrito bowl, So I will stop this date now.
You have to make a decision.
You can go now too
with one dollar for every minute < br /> we are together...
which at this point, literally, five and a half million dollars. "
" Or you can go home with me, /> watch me experience a panic attack every night. "</ P>
A difficult choice. </ P>
My wife is cool. She, uh...
We live in LA, but he came here to New York a lot for work,
and, uh, a few years ago,
he was here in New York work, and I am in Los Angeles wake up.
I am alone at home, I get up from bed, I look down,
and I have the strongest morning wood I've ever had in my life.
That's crazy. You should see it. Hardly... I looked down. ..
I like, loudly, "What?
Like, it's good because it gets.
That is my Helen Hunt."
>
So... I never did this,
but I ran, I took my cellphone, I took the photo.
Never do that. Never send a pic of a dick.
Never... You know, I don't know the etiquette.
And it's crazy in retrospect.
What I did was I closed my camera and then phoned my wife at work.
It was like, 1:00 p.m. /> New York time. </ P>
He's in his office, the phone rings, he takes it, he's like, "Hello?" </ P>
And I'm in LA like, "There what?
Uh, hey, so, big news. Uh...
Look, I'll send you picture of my cock... my cock is hard . </ P>
And there is this long pause, and he's like...
"Don't." </ P>
And I'm like, "Right.
Right. "
So... That's just a little peek into our relationship.
Married life.
I was at a party recently in Los Angeles,
and, uh, this guy entered the party
who is my classmate from high school.
I didn't see it in, like, ten years, so I got up.
We started talking about middle school , reconnect,
talk about, like, teacher and women and things.
And then out of nowhere, he replace "chat" with the dog.
He started talking about this dog he saved,
and I was on my way, right?
Because I like dogs.
I'm a little excited, Because I'm like,
"Dude, do I like dogs. I have dogs.
I have a big white dog. A big, beautiful white dog. "</ P>
He was like," That's marijuana. Can I see a photo? "</ P>
And I'm like," Uh, yes. "No, right? </ P>
So I pulled my cellphone out of my pocket.
Yes. And...
I slide it open.
And, like most of you have guessed,
the last photo I took was my hard cock.
That was the same day. Helen Hunt, right?
This really happened. It was a living nightmare.
It was also word for word. He was like, "Can I see a big white dog You? "</ P>
I was like," Uh, yes, bruh. "</ P>
And then I showed him my dick. </ P>
Lalu aku benar-benar panik
and start tapping the screen to make it go away...
forgetting that just makes things bigger, like more details.
So I cellphone jam in my pocket, I see it,
and my current encouragement, I want to scream, at a party,
I want to shout, " No! That's my cock! "</ P>
Right? Because I care at that moment
is that I don't want him to think I have some hard dick of another man on my cellphone.
Like when I open it, it's my wallpaper.
But it doesn't seem necessary.
So I just stand there stumbling
And then I can see from his eyes that he can tell I'm spinning, right?
And that just shows you how cool a guy is this.
He fully took control the situation,
calmly put his hand on my shoulder, and he was like...
"Great, bro."
I like, "Well, thank you." You know? </ P>
That's all I'm looking for, really, are some validations for my cool dick. </ P>
Do you watch Shark Tank? </ P>
- Whoo! - That's my crowd. </ P>
Shark Tank is the best show since Next. </ P>
I'm obsessed with Shark... I watch so much Shark Tank
that I don't really think of myself as a comedian,
Because in my heart I know I am an undiscovered businessman.
Do you know?
This is real. I came home from the party where I showed that person my cock.
It's not a joke. I came up with a business idea.
I was like, "That's very annoying, but I can't be the only person.
It must be universal. How do I monetize this? "
My dream is to go to Shark Tank. This is a real business idea.
I am looking for investors.
I want to get out, "Hello, Sharks, my name is Joe Mande.
I have a very interesting idea for websites and applications mobile.
That will change the world.
Basically, the way it works is, uh,
every adult in the United States, anyone who are over 18 years old,
must be legally...
forced to put up a photo of of their dick or breasts
uh, to my website. "
I mean, that's the basis. It's an elevator pitch.
I don't have all night to, like, tell you the details, but... </ p >
I also did not get a response I was looking, so I will keep going.
I will assure you this is a good idea, um... </ p >
In essence, I mean, we have to do it to get the government involved
in some ways.
I imagine it would be like going to DMV.
You entered, lift your shirt.
This is a full frontal nude photo of your body,
and it was entered on my website, right?
What's important to know no one can see this photo.
It's password protected, it's encrypted, can't be hacked.
Nobody can see the photo from your naked body,
um, unless they pay 99 cents.
Right? Someone pays 99 cents , type in your name.
They can see your naked body for, for example, 20 minutes.
Alright, I'm still... Like I feel tension. I...
This is the problem. </ P>
It's not pornography. Good? I understand... .
Every time I try to describe or explain this idea to my friend,
they are like, "You describe pornography."
And I went, "No, I'm not. It's not pornography if everyone is in it.
This is a paradigm shift. I'm a visionary." </ p >
Good?
It's not pornography. This is a new world.
You only need an example. Good. I will win you, I swear to God.
- Like, sir, what's your name? - Alexis.
Alexis. What is your last name?
- Strong. - Strong?
That's cool. Good.
A good name for this product. Okay, so Alexis Strong.
So let's say this website already exists, right?
Everyone can go home after the show, type "Alexis Strong,"
pay 99 cents...
see your pen for 20 minutes...
I mean, I haven't even got it to the interesting part,
but, like, damn it, it's cool.
All right.
But, Alexis, let's say someone does that. </ P>
Someone pays 99 cents to see your pen. </ P>
Dapatkan ini.
You get the money!
- Whoo! - Yes it's true.
Don't even patronize me. Damn think about that for a while.
p>
Think about the world where it exists.
That will change everything. That will revitalize the economy.
That will end obesity as we know it.
And I'm not kidding when I say this:
It's good for women. Suitable for women.
That's a feminist idea .
- Whoo! - Every woman in the United States
will make at least $ 20 a day.
And that's a basement. It pops up from there. </ P>
But every woman in the United States
has at least 20 creeps in her life it's like...
" Only 99 cents. "</ P>
This is good for women.
This will equate dating for women too. I think it's important.
Because I can't imagine being a woman...
I can't imagine, like, you meet a good man,
you go on a date with him, he looks cool,
and finally you feel comfortable, become intimate.
Meanwhile, you don't know what the penis is like ?
What? How is that fair? For that application. </ P>
You meet a man. You like, "What's your name? What's your last name? </ P>
How do you say it? "
You go to the bathroom, type in his name, pay 99 cents.
You like," Yes. I can suck the dick. "Or whatever.
As you know if he has a cool penis or not.
I think it's amazing.
This is good for women, good for gay men.
Uh, great for men with big dicks.
Everything is good for us.
For us. Uh...
Yes, that is convincing. "For us."
This is good for men with small penis.
I will explain.
Uh, imagine you're working, right? </ P>
Someone came to your office, and they were like,
"Did you hear about Gary in Accounting?" </ P>
You like, "No, what happened to Gary?"
Coworkers like, "Uh, Gary has a micro-penis."
Anda akan seperti, "Tutup mulutmu! Dapatkan di sini! 'Kan?
He enters. Twelve other co-workers come in.
You close the door to your office, you lock it.
Everyone crowds around your computer. You type the name Gary.
You pay 99 cents.
Gary's micro penis appears on the screen.
Everyone cracks
Gary gets the money.
Look? Yes, fuck.
Think about Gary for a while, how much better his life.
So it's called "Dickstarter." That's...
Dickstarter.biz. </ P>
This is my dream to go on Shark Tank, prime-time TV, that pitch. </ P>
All The sharks are horrified. </ P>
They are like, "I'm out, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out." </ P>
That's stupid. I have a business idea the real one.
This is real. I am looking for investors.
So I'm out, like, "Hello, Sharks, my name is Joe Mande.
I have a product that I know will change the world.
Before I even get into it, uh, let me ask you, Sharks,
what's the best feeling in this world? </ P>
Arrival. Right, it came.
And, uh, yes.
What is the best form to come?
It must be autoerotic asphyxia, right?
It must be. Scientifically, it must be.
Why else do you put your life at risk to feel that busy
is it not the type hurry the best?
I don't know for sure. I've never done it before.
I'm too big from the vagina forever autoerotic asphyxiate itself.
Until today. "
And I take off my belt and leave, "Sharks, I show the Air Belt.
This is amazing... It will change lives... Everyone will feel the bustle.
How it works, it's like other belts, keep on raising your pants.
But when you feel the urge, man or woman,
to push the highest extreme, right?
You put a belt around your neck, make it as tight as possible
so now there is no oxygen flow that can affect your brain.
And then you just jack up as fast as you can.
This is a fairly simple two-step process. "
I'm one only on stage, so I have to do it.
I put a belt around my neck, I, like, jack up.
Look right at Mark Cuban, like, "Uh!"
"Lori, lick your lips."
What makes this belt special > here in the belt
there is a heart monitor.
Right?
When the belt feels your heartbeat goes down to a very low level ,
automatically loosens
so you don't die with the belt around your neck turning off.
The worst way to die.
And I'm like sharing a belt to a shark.
They're all like, "Oh, yeah, it works."
And I'm like , "So which of you, Sharks want to join the Air Belt movement
and come alive?" </ P>
Banners fall. "Become alive."
That's great.
My parents saw me doing a stand-up recently.
They don't like it. Not their cup of tea.
My father's work when I grew up adult, he is a teenager prosecutor.
I don't know if you know what that means. He put children in prison.
That's what my father did when I was little.
Needless to say, it wasn't, like, the coldest vibration
in Mande's household...
grew up.
My father retired recently. It was very strange.
He became a very different person. He, like, really softened.
He became very sentimental. He, like, poked and...
I don't know how to handle it that energy at all .
I was home for Thanksgiving a few years ago,
and we watched football on TV.
Only me and him in the living room.
p>
When the match ends, he turns off the TV and he looks at me, he goes,
"Uh, Joseph, have I ever told you about my happiest memories? "
I like," Uh, no.
No. "
He said," I want to share this with you. I don't know if you remember this.
When you were nine years old, Joseph,
your mother and I, we bought you Sega for Hanukkah.
Do you remember that? </ P>
And you really want Sega, you keep asking for months. </ P>
Hanukkah's first night, You opened the prize,
and I have never seen anything like this.
You started jumping up and down and yell.
You kiss my cheek.
And to find out that I can bring such other people to joy "...
He is getting emotional .
"If I can freeze my life at any time,
it will be there when you open Sega."
And I sit there like, "Damn, Daddy, thank you.
Thank you very much for sharing it. It's beautiful. "</ P>
But in my head, I'm like, " Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it! "</ P>
So, a little backstory. Uh... </ p p>
Here's what you need to know.
When I was nine years old, I was a small piece of shit,
and I know where my parents are hiding gifts, right?
And someday, my parents go to the grocery store. </ P>
I see them coming out of the driveway. </ P>
And I lock the door, I ran into my father's closet...
looked down at this large sweater pile.
There was a giant, wrapped in a rectangular shape.
And like a little spy, I went down and carefully opened the Scotch ribbon
and revealed the words "Sega Genesis."
And, obviously, with my hard like, "Damn finally!"
"Fuck."
So I went back down and I started to close this backup again,
and as I did, I tore the ends of the wrapping paper.
It's not bad, but, you know,
maybe if you imagine that your father cooperates closely,
I don't know, like, forensic scientists,
, like, super real, and for the next six weeks,
I can't even tell you the terror that I experienced under
that at any time, My father will be cold,
wear his sweater , see this broken gift...
and then send me to jail.
Like, the stakes are very high.
It's like a miracle The true Hanukkah. </ P>
The first night, my parents were expelled all gifts for my sister and me. </ P>
Tidak ada yang memperhatikan air mata.
We went to the table, we started lit candles, all that crap.
And then, before anyone had a chance to see the prize,
I run, I open it,
and fair, like, too excluded.
You know? Like a bad actor.
I like, "What? Sega!"
And I started, like, jumping up and down and screaming.
I kissed my dad's cheek.
At one point, I did a cartwheel. </ P>
Like that crazy...
In my head, I, like... I know it's effeminate,
but I like, "I have to sell this! I have to sell this! I have to sell this!"
Saya kira saya menjualnya. Ini memori bahagia ayahku.
Are there Jews here, by the way? Are there Jews?
Good.
Round them up!
JK.
It's funny now. That will happen real things in, like, a year.
There is a strange thing about Jews in America. </ P>
We all go to summer camp. We all. </ P>
I don't know what that is. </ P>
It's like when you change 11 or 12, your parents have a meeting,
only the two of them in the living room, they are like, "Our child is 11 years old now. </ P>
So maybe it's time he gets a hand job in the woods? Right? "
My mother likes," Yes, yes, yes. "
Without lotion.
I don't want to go. I'm not on board for this Jewish summer camp.
Drive to Wisconsin... All trips to Wisconsin,
I was in the back seat from the minivan we shouted,
"I don't want leave! I don't want to do this! I'm afraid!
I'm never far from home before! "
My mother turned and calmed me down. > He is like, "Joseph. </ P>
This will be fine. You will find God, and you don't need to worry. </ P>
I write the name You in all your socks and underwear. "</ P>
Right? As if that's what I was worried about. </ P>
Like," Oh, I don't know This underwear.
Fucking hit him. Let's go. "
The first day of the camp was weird.
You got out of the minivan ,
and everything you have with with these people
are you Jewish, right?
You meet children. You are like, "Hey, I'm Joe. I'm Jewish."
And that like, "Hey, I'm Seth. I'm Jewish."
"All right. Guess we're good friends."
And then this, uh, Special campground nights,
uh, that's also Shabbat.
I don't know if you know Shabbat.
Shabbat is like night baler > in Judaism.
You, like, eat bread.
So we do that. We light candles, we eat bread.
I eat lots of chicken. Like, too much chicken.
And then right after the Shabbat dinner, there is an Israeli dance.
Jadi saya pergi, menari pantat Israel saya selama beberapa jam.
Let everything really shuffle, do you know?
And... then at 10 pm, our counselors are like,
"Okay , kids, sleep. "
I am very comfortable in my bed.
And I remember thinking, " Um, I thought I'd like it here. "
Go to bed.
A few hours later, I woke up. I don't know if this is universal.
Is there anything waking up in the middle of the night and known you have
ten seconds...
before you just dirty yourself?
You? Yes. </ P>
A terrible feeling. </ P>
I jerked up and felt this countdown in my head. </ P>
Like, "Ten, nine , eight. "
And I'm in the upper bed, so I go down the stairs.
"Seven, six, five."
I wear my flip-flops. "Four." </ P>
Open the door to my cabin. </ P>
"Three." </ P>
And at three, I just exploded. </ P>
Like, full-on explodes.
I know this is disgusting. I just want accuracy.
It's ten feet in front of me.
All of you must have been closed, like the Gallagher show. </ P>
That, like, ten feet in front of me, ten feet behind me. </ P>
I got dirt all over the grass, my entire cabin staircase.
I was never far from home before.
I stood there like, "Okay. What are you doing now?
Are you just waiting for someone to find you?
That seems stupid. "</ P>
So what I did was run just into the forest, like, in the dark. </ P>
I ran and got hit on the face with tree branches and dirt .
I ran fast, like, three minutes
until I reached this big structure in my camp
which held all the toilets and bathrooms .
This is called Noah's Ark.
Run on Noah's Ark. First thing, I got rid of all my dirty clothes. </ P>
Grab all this hand soap
then just take the most embarrassing shower of my life. </ P>
Just, like, crying.
But I still, like, get sick.
So I will run from the bathroom to the toilet, like, damn brain I'm out,
then take another bath,
and just do it again and again for hours, you know, like a living nightmare.
And... it takes so long, like, the sun starts go up.
After, like, my 12th shower, I finally, like, empty and clean, right?
But then that just means I'm just naked and wet
and have to go back to my cabin somehow. </ P>
And, I mean... I hope I have seen...
I must look like the smallest, Small shy bigfoot.
Like, running at dawn back to the forest.
Like, hiding behind trees and, like, taking a leaf to cover my body.
Tapi tidak ada yang melihat saya. Saya kembali ke kabin saya. Saya melompati ledakan kotoran saya sendiri.
Crawl back to bed, crying to sleep.
Like, an hour later, Seth my bunkmate woke me up.
He was like, "Joe, wake up. Did you hear? Did you hear about the bear? </ P>
"What is that?" </ P>
I went out. Everyone in my office get up and stand in a semicircle
around my crime scene.
And Seth caught me, and to this day, I've never seen anyone who is more excited </ p >
about anything in my life.
He grabbed me and he was like, "Dude, bear poop in our cabin last night! "
And I look back at my cabin friends, all these little liars.
They are like," I saw it. I saw it. </ P>
Saya melihat beruang itu. ”
I stood there for a minute and I realized, I was like, "Damn.
My mother is right. God is real. God is real. God is good. "
Yes, like...
But for, like...
How else do you explain the night I just experienced?
And here I am, just a few hours later in the daytime, redeemed.
All these idiots think bear dirt in our cabin.
I remember my counselor standing up to the side trying to find out.
He was like, "That must be a small bear." / p>
But look, we all find confidence in a different way, right?
And that's my story, and that feeling of faith
pushing me in Jewish life I for, like, the others...
30 minutes, 35 minutes.
So we left, we ate breakfast.
And then, um, we were told to go brush our teeth. </ p >
So we all go to Noah's Ark. Start brushing our teeth.
And this kid Mike looks into the trash can,
finds a pair of boxer shorts that dirty with my name written inside.
Yes.
That happened.
So since then I've been like, " Well, damn God, God can suck my cock. </ P>
God is a chicken. "</ P>
And, you know, now we are here. </ P>
Cool. p>
Look, it's all nonsense, okay?
This... We've arrived at the section of the show that I...
I just want to talk about this next thing. How interesting is that?
Can you imagine that it's all nonsense?
Listen, no.
What I want to talk about with... I'm very glad I have a job
where I have a microphone and can force people to listen to me.
Because everything I want to talk about is this one documentary
I've been obsessed.
This is an HBO document called
Mind Crime: The Real Story of the Cannibal Police.
Alright . Good. Four people know what I'm talking about.
This is a real question if I even stand up again.
To be honest, I feel like just got on stage and recommended a documentary.
But this is good.
This is a very smart and nuanced look in the life of Cannibal Cop.
Cannibal Cop, this man... I don't know if you remember it.
He was a big figure in New York like ten years ago.
Uh, a truly tragic figure.
Uh, here it is you need to know about him.
He is a police officer. He is an NYPD officer.
And two, uh, he is not a cannibal.
Play, right?
Cannibal Cop never eats human flesh once in his lifetime.
And I don't know if this is taking heat in terms of cannibalism,
but for me, until you really put a knife and fork to humans
and, like, eating their meat, you are just a man.
You are just a man.
So, Cannibal Cop, his name is Gilberto.
Right? And Gilberto, uh... Listen, before I can tell you about Gilberto,
let's all admit it now we all have our things.
Sexually, right? We all have our peculiarities.
None of us are saints. We all end some strange things. We are all weird people.
So, Gilberto's thing that he was sexually interested
for the idea of cannibalism.
p>
Whatever. Who cares? Really, who cares?
Be Gilberto...
I don't say Gilberto is smart. < br /> I mean, he is a NYPD officer, okay?
and he gets into the cannibal talisman posts a message board, right?
Like a website where he and like-minded people
can exchange fantasy stories
about, you know, eat human flesh and then jack up.
So Gilberto, he enters his police computer
and started writing, like, all this time, an eloquent story
about how he wanted to kidnap his wife,
drove him to the cabin, threw it to oven
and, like, eat the titties or whatever.
I didn't say he was cool, by the way. I don't think it's cool. </ p >
I just thought it didn't make you cannibal.
Just because you're horny and intellectually curious.
That doesn't make you cannibals.
So what's happening next to Gilberto is really crazy.
This is a parody of justice, right? He was fired from the police.
He under house arrest. He has to live with his mother.
How annoying. It's a shame. His wife left him, obviously.
It's like news front page that he looked at him like Slim Jim or whatever.
And this is when dirt gets crazy. He is then tried for attempted murder. </ p >
And the evidence used against it is posting the damn message board.
The literature.
Some Minority Reports, you know.
You all should be just as upset with me now! I'm being heated! </ P>
I have seen this documentary seven times. </ P>
Aku sangat kesal.
Whenever it's finished, I'm just pacing around my house, shouting at my dogs.
Just like, "Did you hear this? Gilberto, Copa Cannibals "...
First of all, to call him Cannibal Cop is an insult to cannibals...
who does his job. </ P>
People this has never been eaten...
He is just an artist. He is a poet. He is a person... He is a hero.
He is a hero First Amendment. </ P>
I shouted at my dog, "Gilberto is my hero! </ P>
The Cannibal Cop is my hero. "</ P>
The last time I watched this documentary, I was so angry and shocked
that I was sitting on my desk on my computer
and I started doing, like, pro bono legal advocacy work for cannibal Cop.
I was like, "I will save you, Gilberto."
I started researching.
I didn't go to law school. I didn't know what I was doing.
Four hours passed, and I realized I just woke up all night
read cannibal talismans message board posts. </ P>
No.
You don't want to be that man. </ P> >
Because you watch documentaries, like, if we only base on web history,
I am like a cannibal as a Cannibal Cop.
And I don't. </ P>
I'm not a cannibal. </ P>
Even though I admit, right,
if you read enough posting a fetish message board,
like that likes to enter... I can't stop thinking about cannibalism.
I think about it all day long. It doesn't make me horny.
I don't get that part.
But like...
Here's the thing I can't stop thinking about is, like,
being the cannibal like a leap for a human.
When you like, "Fuck me. I'm cannibal."
What was the first day like that? just I thought about. "What for breakfast?"
I always ask my friends,
"What is the first thing you eat < br>> on the human body? "
They are always like," Well, I don't know why we hang out with you.
This isn't fun for us. "
But I've got a lot of answers. Some people say "feet."
Others say "butt". Lol. </ P>
And that makes me very angry, Because it's so illogical. </ P>
I'm like, "You have never eaten human meat and you will seizure with your legs? ”
Give me a break. Use your head.
You will start small and then work your way up to your feet.
Like that...
I might think too much about this.
I think the right answer is... But.
Don't complain. There are no right answers, okay?
But listen to me.
Many things happen.
Sounds like like food. Right? You're halfway there.
Small. It's a bite size. It's like a game or something.
You can take it back. You don't even need to chew it. </ p >
And three, I think if you prepare it properly, which I will...
slow roast, cinnamon, nutmeg, small caramel sauce...
like you can convince yourself that... an apple.
Like small...
All right.
I'm cute now. We all know it's not the right answer.
That's the vagina. That's the vagina. That, like... </ p >
I've eaten pussy all my life.
Not all of me... I'm not, like, four.
I'm... the right age.
Like... ten? Uh, no.
I like to eat vagina. Likes. This is one of my favorite entertainment.
My only complaint...
This is wrong . You don't eat pussy.
If anything, is like the Eternal Goblokper.
You just like to lick and lick it and lick and lick it
You don't, like, get anything.
Damn you. This is smart, what I'm talking about now.
It's smart. </ P>
This is a thought experiment. </ P>
I just ask, like, hypothetically. </ P>
Think about it like this, okay? /> Imagine this. </ P>
Imagine living your whole life only smells of coffee. </ P>
It's frustrating, right? It's frustrating. </ P>
Now imagine the action of smelling coffee
for some reason is called "drink coffee."
Right? At some point, you will like,
"Fuck this. I drink coffee. "
Anyway, this is a great documentary. You should...
You should check it out.
Thank you.
It's so cool you clapped for that.
I don't even know if I have to do this next part. Uh... </ p >
Do it!
I will. I mean, that... This is a facade. Obviously I will.
No, but Okay, here it is. I will tell you the truth...
I can tell Gilberto. Fuck that guy.
I don't care about the man.
I will tell you the real reason why
Mind Crime: The Kanibal Police Real Story
fucks me so hard every time I watch it.
Even before I get into the following,
I need everyone here to promise me now
You will be very cool.
Can we do that? Can we become adults ? All right?
Because I tried to do the next thing in Seattle a few nights ago,
and they were whores about that, okay?
And I expect more from New York. So, let's be really cool.
Can we do that, please, for me? OK
Thank you. I will trust you.
All right.
So I have seen every ISIS video.
Mereka semua.
Seen every ISIS propaganda video,
recruitment of videos, hostage videos.
I'm looking for them.
I won't say I'm a fan. Right? I won't get that far. </ P>
But what I will say, I work in the television industry. </ P>
I work in Hollywood .
And there is an undeniable fact about this ISIS video.
They are very well made.
Production value on This ISIS video...
Okay, I feel super alone here,
uh, to be honest.
It's like, I'm the only one Who is watching a lot of ISIS videos?
It's okay. I understand. No one saw these videos caused scary ISIS.
You can quote me about that.
Hot take: ISIS is scary.
No one is watching this video. I think there is a misunderstanding in the United States
that video ISIS is like the Al-Qaeda video. </ P>
No, how dare you. Like, real. </ P>
Al-Qaeda video? Do you remember that crap?
That's like 15 years ago.
It's like, Osama bin Laden in a cave
with, like, Dell laptops, external webcam.
There are, like, no narratives. No, bad luck has changed.
This ISIS dudes, they have...
They have , like, Final Cut Pro, After effect,
multi-language narration, the score is tight.
I am watching this ISIS video that night...
and they have unmanned aircraft.
Right? Like a buzz with a camera on it.
And this drone has just flown some slums in Syria somewhere.
Recording Crunchy HD, right? </ P>
And at one point, the camera is slightly tilted. </ P>
There is a lens flare, and I loudly like...
"Who is the DP on this ISIS video?"
That shit is amazing.
And I know ISIS... I am not trying to be eloquent about ISIS. </ P>
I know ISIS is scary. </ P>
You know what makes me afraid of ISIS? This is the most frightening thing. </ P>
ISIS can only say you are on ISIS. </ P>
Maksud saya, omong kosong itu adalah tulang yang menusuk tulang. Apakah Anda tahu apa yang saya katakan?
Because, like, I'm sure there are only, like, the nine actual members of ISIS,
and they're all damn, like, video editor, you know? </ p >
Because what always happens? What always happens?
It's young, ambitious, unaffiliated terrorists come out,
Wolves, kill many people, suicide.
And then the next day, ISIS released a statement.
They were like, "Um, yes. That person is on ISIS. " Send. </ P>
The news is like, "He is on ISIS. Can you believe that?" He is not on ISIS. </ P>
But now he is on ISIS.
That, like, my deepest concern in life,
is that, at some point, I will be arrested,
it's possible to do this joke, right?
The police will attack my house, take my computer,
see search history.
This is like, ISIS, ISIS, ISIS, ISIS, Cannibal Cop, pussy, ISIS, ISIS, you know. </ P>
Nightmares. </ P>
The police threw me in jail. </ P>
ISIS knew about that. They released a statement the following day. </ P>
They were like, "Um, Joe Mande is ISIS's official comic. </ P>
We love that man. Total ISIS. Signed, ISIS. "
What should I do? I can't be jailed, " Fuck you, ISIS! I'm not in ISIS! "
They will only be like, "Actually, that is ISIS humor textbook. You are on ISIS."
Send.
I said I didn't want to get cannibal-copped by ISIS.
That's my fear in life.
Because I'm not on ISIS.
Even though, let's say I join ISIS, right?
I'm thinking about things this was a few days ago. Say I joined ISIS.
I said with confidence,
I thought I would be the best ever happened to ISIS. </ P>
They destroyed it, but are their biggest problems now? </ P>
There is no star power, right? None. </ P>
Like, can anyone here name the leader of ISIS? </ P>
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. </ P>
May the Prophet protect him. </ P>
How crazy is that ?
He should be the leader the most frightening terrorist group in the world,
and no one here knows his name.
How you will run the Caliphate when no one knows your name,
You are a notorious bitch?
That's what I said, when I... < br /> If and when I joined ISIS, right...
the first day I was bigger than Baghdadi.
I was far more famous than that man. They don't have people like me.
I'm a successful American Jew. I've been in Modern Family.
That will be good for them.
I can, like, run their Twitter for a day or whatever. </ P>
It will be, like, refreshing. Honestly. </ P>
Because they are imperfect
I don't stand on stage say ISIS is perfect.
No, I have some constructive criticism.
There are some notes.
First of all, the flag. What flag is that?
You see the ISIS flag? What is that?
It's like Arabic Comic Sans .
It's like...
You have the best video editor in games, and see your graphic design.
That offends me. < br /> That is offensive.
And I don't propose, like, a new font.
My question is, like, why do you all have words on your flag ?
Your entire MO is recruiting illiterate people.
Am I wrong?
Get rid of the words.
In fact, just take the pirate flag. That is the public domain.
I've been in the organization five minutes, the new flag marijuana.
Then we have to talk about the video This video, like, you know.
Let's be honest. They are too long. They are repetitive.
They are sad like making love.
That's where I think I will be very helpful .
Like, if you've seen one behead, you've seen a million, right?
So before the second, I appeared,
then like, ISIS bloopers with Joe Mande.
Like, show that they have a sense of humor, bring levity to the organization.
I can become a Tosh them.
"Ta & apos; esh" .0, whatever.
I'm not... Fuck with ISIS.
Fuck ISIS, fuck Russia, fuck Trump .
Like, when...
Thank you.
I just... I'm glad we got this on film.
Because I want it... I want it in the record when World War III begins,
I am Team China, my team is China.
That's my squad. < br /> I wrestle with China.
China, I love you.
Uh, I just want to say for my Chinese fans...
This is only for my Chinese fans. </ P>
Don't worry It's not for you. </ P>
Think I won you back. </ P>
That was a real trip.
How do you get out of the ISIS hole? You know, it's real...
This is a good question.
You all smoke marijuana? You smoke a little grass?
Gotcha. Have them back. I got them back. Yes!
Is it weed is legal in New York yet? How does it work for everyone?
No?
Uh... Okay, so I understand how many people feel tonight,
uh, applaud if you support legalize marijuana.
So that I can... All right.
That's most of the room. Good. Thank you.
I thought I was against it.
Right?
I smoke marijuana for more than half of my life.
And I live in California. It's legal there now.
And, um, what I've learned is that the more marijuana becomes legal,
the stronger it is.
To the point that in Los Angeles, weeds are basically hard drugs at this point. </ P>
Like, I can't smoke marijuana anymore. It's heartbreaking to me. </ P>
Like, now when I go to a party in LA and I share with a friend,
like, 30 seconds passed and I lost my senses.
Such was not even fun. Like I lost my mind.
I will see my friend and be like, "Uh, yo. Yo, can I ask you something?
Uh, does the air get into your nose and come out of your mouth,
or in your mouth and out of your nose?
I don't remember how to do it. "
" Don't worry. Don't worry. I won't do it either. "</ P>
Sometimes I get really tall that if I'm too many people,
I'll lock myself in the bathroom and interrogate myself in the mirror </ p >
like a detective murder on a TV show.
Right? I, like, slammed the door, locked it.
Be like, "Joe, what the hell, trash bird? Why are you feeling so crazy?
You came to a normal party, now you're crazy. </ p >
Why are you feeling so crazy, you bastard? "
And I will be like," Oh, I don't know, man.
Like, I came to a party, and then I'm normal,
then we come out, then...
Oh, I remember. Oh Then we smoke cancer drugs. "</ P>
Like that. This is medical marijuana. That's the goal. </ P>
Have you ever been so tall that you, " You know what will become an anesthetic?
If I'm in a hospital bed now... with cancer...
instead of trying not to cry at concert R Kelly. "</ P>
Kisah nyata.
But I don't want you to think I hate wild grass.
I like wild grass. I'll go in, like, five minutes.
This is the problem. < br /> I'm not, like, smart. I haven't done much with my life yet.
But one thing I know for sure, if I have wisdom, this is this.
One of the greatest pleasures in life is to be to be very tall and go to TV recordings.
That's the best. I have done it many times.
I used to internship on the Maury Povich Show.
I will only light up every day and go to recordings like, "Yes. Father's test."
No, I already know the answer.
Best.
Begini masalahnya. Selalu menyenangkan. Kamu tinggal di New York. Lakukan sekali saja. Itu bagus.
Always fun. Except if not.
Because when it's not fun, is really not fun.
I have experience about five years ago When I lived here in New York.
My best friend is Noah and me, we eat pan brownies,
and then we go to the recording from Fox News, Huckabee talk shows.
Yes. Organized by the former governor of Arkansas,
and maybe, like, future ambassadors for Chick-fil-A, Mike Huckabee.
So I got the ticket through my spam folder, right?
And I pressed "print."
Noah came to my apartment in Brooklyn.
We both ate these pan brownies, uh, what I made.
We waited an hour for they are to kick.
And when we left my apartment, Noah stopped me and he was like,
"No, we can't go. They will think we plan something."
And I know what he means. I like, "Damn, you're right. What are we doing? "</ P>
He thought for a while and he left...
" It's okay. We just have to dress like Republicans. "</ P>
Right? </ P>
So we returned to my apartment, into my closet,
we both wore suits and ties. </ P> >
That's it.
We took the train to Midtown Manhattan
to Fox News headquarters...
and we tried to blend in.
>
"Excuse me sir. Drill. Drill, baby, drill."
Just, like, so excited and weird.
We go in for Huckabee recordings,
and it becomes very clear that we... are really overdressed, right?
Like no one thinks too much into it like we did.
Everyone there to see the Huckabee Show like a slob in sweatpants.
And then this one Asian family who saw line and enter it.
But I say, by comparison, we look amazing.
And when we walked into the studio, this production assistant see us,
"You are costumed, please, here. Sit in the front row.
Here in the front row. There . "
Noah and I sat down, and we looked for on all of these cameras facing the audience.
And we messed up. Like, not okay.
Like , we use edible material.
No one has ever edibles, then after that like,
"Do you know what? That's a good idea.
That's fun all the time,
and I feel myself in control and my environment.
That's cool. It's cool all the time . "
Like, no. Like, it should not be already in public. We messed up.
We ran teeth and sweat . We look crazy.
And, uh, finally Mike Huckabee the house band started playing.
He has a home band called The Little Rockers. </ P>
Kanan?
So Little Rockers start playing, like, "Mustang Sally" or damn nonsense.
Curtains open, Mike Huckabee comes out.
He rocking in front of us.
And when he passed, Noah and I lost our shit.
We just lost it. We experienced hyperventilation < br /> we laugh so hard.
We, like, can't breathe. Like, snot wet our faces.
Because we realize where we are, right ?
And this is a talk show.
So Mike Huckabee, he stands up as close as I am to you, right?
And he starts do a joke monologue. Right? About, like, current events.
And from his point of view, he destroys, right?
Because these two devil-eyed Republicans in the front row
just laugh at everything he says, like, exchanges.
So, Mike Huckabee sit on his desk, and he's like,
"Uh, gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, this is a very special episode of Huckabee.
I have a cohost celebrity.
You might know him as Miss Las Vegas himself.
Give it to Rita Rudner! "
The curtain opens again.
>
Rita Rudner comes, like, clip-clopping in these high heels.
He walks in front of us.
Um, I don't know why this happened, but I cried.
I'm just... I'm really overwhelmed.
I look to my left. Noah is dry, huh?
Because of him... he was drunk too. Forgot to mention that.
He drunk and also high.
We fall apart.
We sit there. The recording is four hours, right?
We are there all day .
I've never been more bored and afraid in my life.
And about three hours into the recording, I sit there, and I see
and I make eye contact with this cameraman.
And this cameraman just looks at me.
And I have to keep looking at him. I don't know what the problem is.
Finally, he walked away from his original camera.
He, uh, patted my shoulder.
And he whispered in my ears. He leaves, "Uh, you know I'm calling the police, right?"
Yes, and guess what. It doesn't handle well.
I don't handle that well at all.
I like, "No, sir. Please don't call the police. We are not here. </ P>
We know we are not here. We will go on our own. </ P>
Please. We will go on our own accord. " I keep saying" will. "</ P>
And the cameraman, like, is scared. He doesn't know what I'm talking.
So he bent back and he slowly repeated himself.
He went, "Uh, no. I said my camera came through here.
Only... I have to move my camera. "
Right? I have complete auditory hallucinations.
I am trying to cover up. I like, "Yes. Whatever. Don't call the police, man.
Just do your work. Deliberate , You know. "</ P>
But somehow we got out of there without injury. </ P>
Then Noah and I spent the next time, like, just three or four hours, like ,
wandering around Manhattan trying to be aware.
We returned to Brooklyn, we sat on my couch,
eh , we become tall again.
And I turn on my TV to Huckabee. I record Huckabee.
We want to watch the show we just watch.
So Noah and I, we became tall
and we watched a full hour the edited version of Huckabee,
dan sampai hari ini, Saya tidak pernah melihat sesuatu yang lebih kacau.
Like I said, we are in the front row, all of these cameras face us.
But every time one of us wants to enter a frame,
it will, like, quickly switch to a different camera angle.
Like, for a full hour. Need an editor, like, lots of work to unites us.
And when it's over, I see Noah and I like,
"Dude, you know what that means, right?
Either we are very chaotic today
that Fox News doesn't feel comfortable putting us on television...
or we get very high this morning...
p>
we never even went Mike Huckabee's record. "
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Straight from Hollywood,
189th American Humor Award,
with your host Andy Richter. </ P>
Thank you. Thank you. </ P>
Hello everyone. I'm Andy Richter. </ P>
I'm very happy to be here hosting American Humor Award. </ P>
Alright, let's get there right away. </ P>
Categories Our last and only one was that night...
The American Humor Award.
The nominees were
Nick Kroll: Krolling with Punches.
Kristen Schaal: Schaal Ready for This?
Chelsea Peretti: Peretti or Not.
Ron Funches: Ron Tells That.
Dan Joe Mande: Joe Mande Komedi Khusus Pemenang Penghargaan.
And the American Humor Award falls on...
Wait. What is that... Is this true?
This is a series!
A four-way tie between Nick Kroll, Chelsea Peretti, Ron Funches and Kristen Schaal! </ P>
This is the first win and the first nomination
for Nick Kroll , Chelsea Peretti, Ron Funches...
Almost all of you win! </ P>
- That's amazing! - My father! Yeah Here!
- Congratulations! - Yes!
- Oh. - Oh.
Um, thank you.
Uh, but seriously, we just want to thank all the managers and agents and lawyers
who made this possible.
And the fans. We are very grateful laughter and support. Your love.
- Thank you very much. - We are the last four!
They always say it's fun just to be nominated, but not!
- Yes! - Here is the place!
You know, no someone likes to lose.
Uh...
I think that... I think it's good for me. Honestly. </ p >
I have learned a lot over the past few weeks since... since the show.
And, um, I've learned that it's true is a journey, not a destination.
I don't need a trophy to tell me whether I'm a good comedian or not.
Because I know...
Sorry.
I should have put a sign on the door or something.
This is really... This is very unprofessional.
Hello? Oh, hi.
Cool. Thank you.
Package.
"Dear Joe, When I watched The American Humor Award on TV that night,
I was surprised and sad to see that you didn't end up being the chosen winner.
In my opinion, you are robbed! You do everything right:
prefix,
clothes,
break applause
Your specialness is perfect!
Destroying my heart You don't go home with a trophy.
So if there is consolation...
I have decided to send you my American Humor Award from 1983.
All the best.
Your friend, Dr. Bill Cosby. "
♪ I'm better than everyone ♪
♪ Shut up I'm better than everyone ♪
♪ I'm better than everyone ♪
♪ I'm more good of all ♪
♪ Gills on my neck, bitch Call me Kevin Costner ♪
♪ Crazy because I'm dead, ho Call me Laura Palmer ♪
♪ Young bastards And I skeet everyone ♪
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