1 00:00:06,131 --> 00:00:07,465 Visit www.Markasjudi.com Trusted Secure Online Gambling Agents 2 00:00:07,549 --> 00:00:08,591 [Johnny Carson] My uh... 3 00:00:09,968 --> 00:00:13,054 ... the next guest is a young comedian < br /> made his debut on The Tonight Show. 4 00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:14,472 He came from New York City. 5 00:00:14,556 --> 00:00:17,183 He worked many small clubs, both in New York and Los Angeles. 6 00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:18,810 Welcome to it; Jerry Seinfeld. 7 00:00:20,311 --> 00:00:21,896 [Jerry Seinfeld] In the mid 70's in New York, 8 00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:24,983 There were only two places < br /> You can even see new comedians. 9 00:00:25,066 --> 00:00:27,569 A stand-up comedian is just a new action. 10 00:00:27,652 --> 00:00:30,196 They will have it in front of a singer or band rock, 11 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,283 and just to be like that is the noblest dream of my life. 12 00:00:33,366 --> 00:00:34,826 That's all I want. 13 00:00:34,909 --> 00:00:37,203 And that's funny , but I really sat on the ledge 14 00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:39,122 when I decide to make that jump, 15 00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:40,040 here. 16 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:42,500 And this is the right place. 17 00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:44,335 ["Inky Dinky Wang Dang Doo" plays ] 18 00:00:53,553 --> 00:00:55,972 ♪ Inky drone wang dang doo ♪ 19 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,140 ♪ Whoo-hoo! ♪ 20 00:00:57,223 --> 00:01:00,268 ♪ Baby, honey I love you ♪ 21 00:01:01,269 --> 00:01:03,772 ♪ Inky zigzag dinky zoo ♪ 22 00:01:04,397 --> 00:01:08,777 ♪ Oh, girl, I focus on you ♪ 23 00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:11,571 ♪ Inky zoo zing zang oo ♪ ♪ 24 00:01:12,447 --> 00:01:15,950 ♪ I want a kiss from your lips ♪ 25 00:01:16,534 --> 00:01:17,786 ♪ Inky dinky dang dang doo... ♪ 26 00:01:17,869 --> 00:01:19,996 You are a good group. Are you ready for the show? 27 00:01:20,622 --> 00:01:23,166 Yes? OK, good for you Great. 28 00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:26,795 He started here uh... as one of the regular visitors to The Comic Strip 29 00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,755 returned in the summer of 1976 30 00:01:29,547 --> 00:01:31,174 Let's welcome him back home. 31 00:01:31,966 --> 00:01:33,676 Jerry Seinfeld! 32 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,011 [cheering and clapping] 33 00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,389 ♪ Zingy zangy zing zang zow ♪ 34 00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:42,393 ♪ Sweet darling, and I must have it What you love now... ♪ 35 00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:43,478 [cheering] 36 00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:45,855 Are you kidding me? 37 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:50,401 Thank you. 38 00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:52,529 Thank you very much. 39 00:01:53,863 --> 00:01:55,949 Thank you. It's nice to be here. 40 00:01:56,032 --> 00:01:57,867 I can't believe I came back here. 41 00:01:58,868 --> 00:02:00,787 This is true- really great. Thank you. 42 00:02:02,831 --> 00:02:03,832 Thank you. 43 00:02:05,416 --> 00:02:07,585 Thank you very much. How do you like jackets? 44 00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:08,503 [cheering] 45 00:02:08,586 --> 00:02:09,963 Yes, this is my favorite jacket. 46 00:02:10,046 --> 00:02:13,091 This is a special night and I want to wear my special jacket, 47 00:02:13,174 --> 00:02:15,760 because I returned to Comic Strip, 48 00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:18,847 which I started my entire career - 49 00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:21,057 here, at this stage 50 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,142 [cheering] 51 00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:30,483 And I will tell you the whole story. 52 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:32,527 I will tell you how everything happened. 53 00:02:32,610 --> 00:02:34,445 I live in Massapequa. 54 00:02:34,529 --> 00:02:36,197 I was born in Brooklyn. 55 00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,616 That's my house. 56 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:42,036 And then my parents moved to Massapequa, which is an Indian name. 57 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,663 That means "by mall." 58 00:02:43,746 --> 00:02:45,165 [laughter] 59 00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:48,001 Even native Americans can feel , 60 00:02:48,084 --> 00:02:51,170 once Jews and Italians come out here... 61 00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:54,257 Brick and mortar retailers will be destroyed. 62 00:02:55,049 --> 00:02:57,802 Let's lose teepees. These people need a parking space. 63 00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,304 [laughter and applause] 64 00:03:02,932 --> 00:03:06,060 So we moved from the city to Long Island 65 00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:09,147 You didn't live on Long Island, you live in Long Island. 66 00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:12,066 If you live in the city, People ask you, "Where do you live?" 67 00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:13,359 You go, "We live in the city. " 68 00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:15,153 You don't live in the city 69 00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:16,237 [laughter] 70 00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:17,989 But if you move out of town... 71 00:03:18,072 --> 00:03:21,868 You are in it now. Now if you go out, you will be on this island. 72 00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:22,952 [laughter] 73 00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:25,038 Long Island & apos; s is not wrong one place you... 74 00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:27,332 You can't enter it. Nothing... 75 00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:30,418 No one can enter You only stay on it. 76 00:03:30,501 --> 00:03:31,502 [laughter] 77 00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:35,465 My parents will say, "Jerry, we will go to the city today, so be prepared." 78 00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:36,549 We will enter. " 79 00:03:37,133 --> 00:03:38,718 " We will take the train. " 80 00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:40,178 We don't take the train. 81 00:03:40,970 --> 00:03:42,222 You take the train, 82 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:44,891 Even though you see the train, there isn't anyone in it 83 00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:47,810 You never see anyone on a train. 84 00:03:48,394 --> 00:03:52,106 But that's how you talk. If You want To stay here, this is how you talk. 85 00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:55,318 "We will take the train." Why did you ride the train? 86 00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:57,570 Why? 87 00:03:57,654 --> 00:04:00,198 So you can get down from it! 88 00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:02,283 "Get off the train! 89 00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,202 Here we stop! " 90 00:04:04,285 --> 00:04:05,370 [laughter] 91 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,623 " We have to take a taxi. " 92 00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:10,583 You don't take a taxi. 93 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:13,586 You are on the train, but you don't take a taxi 94 00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:15,922 You get into a taxi. 95 00:04:16,422 --> 00:04:18,132 Why are you in a taxi? 96 00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:21,010 So you can get out! 97 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,553 "You have to get out of... 98 00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:25,515 Here. Get out of the taxi. Here. " 99 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,394 " Why are you still in a taxi? Get out of the taxi. " 100 00:04:29,477 --> 00:04:30,603 [laughter] 101 00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:33,022 "Okay, Jerry, what about Uber? What did you do with Uber?" 102 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:34,190 That's new. 103 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,275 Do you understand? No. 104 00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:36,609 Above it? No. 105 00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:37,735 No? No. 106 00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:39,487 What did you do with Uber? 107 00:04:39,570 --> 00:04:41,197 - [man] you took it - [man] you got it 108 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,532 No no. 109 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:43,866 You just take it 110 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:46,703 You take it! You bring Uber! 111 00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:47,829 [laughter] 112 00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:50,123 Because there is no money! 113 00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:52,959 This, like, is free. I don't even know how it works. 114 00:04:53,042 --> 00:04:54,168 Do we even pay for it? 115 00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:55,461 [laughter] 116 00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:58,006 I think it's just a free thing, come with a phone 117 00:04:58,089 --> 00:04:59,382 Whenever you like... 118 00:04:59,465 --> 00:05:01,718 A small cartoon car, they go wherever you are want 119 00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,511 "How did you get here?" "We took Uber. 120 00:05:03,594 --> 00:05:04,721 I don't know, we just..." 121 00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,889 This like M & Ms in a bowl, you just take them. 122 00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:08,766 Take whatever you want 123 00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:09,851 [laughter] 124 00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:13,438 And uh so I come here 125 00:05:13,521 --> 00:05:16,149 and I auditioned at this stage, 126 00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:18,526 and the small sign-up sheet is outside, 127 00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:21,154 I wrote with a little of mine " Jerry Seinfeld. " 128 00:05:21,237 --> 00:05:24,157 You know, it's just the address of my parents, 129 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,909 and "action type: comedian." 130 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,747 "Special requirements? No." 131 00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:31,831 [laughter] 132 00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:36,335 And I only have one successful joke... 133 00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:37,420 [laughter] 134 00:05:37,503 --> 00:05:39,589 ... what I will do for you right now. 135 00:05:40,381 --> 00:05:41,382 And... 136 00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:42,717 [cheering and applause] 137 00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:47,930 If you ever thought for yourself 138 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:51,059 that you might want to comedy someday, 139 00:05:51,142 --> 00:05:52,894 This is not your way do it. 140 00:05:53,394 --> 00:05:57,106 Don't ever say, "I'll tell you your joke now." 141 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,399 [laughter] 142 00:05:58,483 --> 00:05:59,650 So, I'm left-handed. 143 00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,986 > 144 00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:05,615 Left-handed people don't like 145 00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,825 that the word "left" is so often related to negative things. 146 00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:10,203 Two left legs, left-handed praise. 147 00:06:10,286 --> 00:06:11,662 "What do we eat dinner?" "Time." 148 00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:14,791 You go to a party, there is no one there. "Where did everyone go?" "They left." 149 00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:15,875 [laughter] 150 00:06:15,958 --> 00:06:16,959 [applause] 151 00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:19,670 That's all. 152 00:06:19,754 --> 00:06:21,047 That was my first joke. 153 00:06:21,130 --> 00:06:22,131 [cheered] 154 00:06:22,715 --> 00:06:23,716 [laughs] 155 00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,096 156 00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:30,681 [laughs] 157 00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:33,476 p> 158 00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:36,521 And that was a pretty good joke, 159 00:06:36,604 --> 00:06:40,274 and uh they passed me at the audition, 160 00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:42,360 and I started here every night. 161 00:06:42,443 --> 00:06:44,904 So, I grew up in the 60s, 162 00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:46,239 and I see a lot of beautiful ones young people here tonight, 163 00:06:46,322 --> 00:06:49,992 enjoy your life uh... 164 00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:51,661 unlimited potential and opportunities. 165 00:06:51,744 --> 00:06:53,412 [laughter] 166 00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:54,747 Because you are young and your life is still in front of you, 167 00:06:56,165 --> 00:06:57,750 You don't even have a childhood. 168 00:06:57,834 --> 00:06:59,043 You don't have anything 169 00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:00,128 [laughter] 170 00:07:00,628 --> 00:07:03,881 You have trash compared to what we have in the 60s. 171 00:07:03,965 --> 00:07:08,553 And you know why? Your parents noticed you, okay? 172 00:07:08,636 --> 00:07:11,180 They were interested in you. 173 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:14,851 My parents , our parents, they don't even know our names, okay? 174 00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:18,187 They don't know anything, they are negligent, they check-out 175 00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:21,315 We grow like wild dogs in the 60s! 176 00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:22,650 [laughter] 177 00:07:22,733 --> 00:07:24,861 There is no nutrition. 178 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:29,824 There is no... knowledge of nutrition, 179 00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:32,285 education, security. 180 00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:36,414 Can you imagine the world I am describing? 181 00:07:36,497 --> 00:07:37,623 [laughter] 182 00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:40,042 There are no helmets, no seat belts, 183 00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:41,252 there are no restrictions 184 00:07:41,335 --> 00:07:42,753 Anything stops, 185 00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:44,464 we just fly in the air. 186 00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:45,798 [laughter and applause] 187 00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:50,761 I eat 100% sugar, 188 00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:52,221 or air. 189 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,306 [laughter] 190 00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,099 It was my childhood. 191 00:07:56,350 --> 00:07:59,729 My parents, they don't know where is my school, 192 00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:01,814 they know what the value is me, 193 00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:03,357 they don't know where I am. 194 00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:06,486 I am like a raccoon to my parents. 195 00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:08,696 You know there is one around, 196 00:08:08,779 --> 00:08:11,741 but no one has tracked true existence 197 00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:13,075 [laughter] 198 00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:14,785 I will get up from bed 199 00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:16,412 and I will do a swan dive 200 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,664 to Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, 201 00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:22,335 Lucky Charms, Fruit Loops, Sugar Pops. 202 00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:23,586 [laughter] 203 00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:27,507 I get a little right head light Now, actually, just think about it. 204 00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:29,800 That's amazing, and that's good - 205 00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:31,469 we escaped with murder! 206 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,347 Cereal is alive - it's ballsy, huh? 207 00:08:34,430 --> 00:08:37,099 That is ballsy's name, I always think. 208 00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,392 "Life"! 209 00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:41,687 "What will we call this? What about Oaties? Squari?" 210 00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:43,898 "Oh no, this is much bigger than that." 211 00:08:43,981 --> 00:08:45,316 [laughter] 212 00:08:45,399 --> 00:08:47,401 "This is Life, I say!" 213 00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:49,862 "This is life ! " 214 00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:58,162 What is another name How about Almighty God? Why don't we call it that? 215 00:08:58,871 --> 00:09:00,248 Who doesn't want to wake up 216 00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:02,625 to a big bowl of God Almighty? 217 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,920 Or the Almighty God with raisins. 219 00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:09,757 And if you don't like it, you can go to hell 220 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:10,841 [laughter] 221 00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:19,183 So the beauty of time, okay? 222 00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:22,520 Parents, for some reason, do not know or are not interested 224 00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:28,651 And that's good until the Crisp Cookie people come 225 00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:30,820 and blow the lid off overall racket. 226 00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:31,737 [laughter] 227 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:36,284 There's always someone pushing Good things are a little too far away. 228 00:09:36,867 --> 00:09:38,703 Cookies Crisp. 229 00:09:38,786 --> 00:09:40,162 [laughter] 230 00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,331 If you don't know what this is, this is cereal... 231 00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,834 This is not like cookies, 232 00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:46,669 cake 233 00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:48,129 [laughter] 235 00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:55,845 A bowl of chocolate chip cookies! 236 00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:56,929 [laughter] 237 00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:00,516 This cereal should be called Hell With Everything! 238 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,601 [laughter] 239 00:10:02,476 --> 00:10:05,980 Ice cream for lunch, cake for dinner, bacon and cigarettes among them. That's... 240 00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:08,941 That's the Cookie Crisp health plan. 241 00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:10,026 [laughter] 242 00:10:11,193 --> 00:10:13,446 I like a Good Humor guy. I will wait for it. 243 00:10:13,529 --> 00:10:16,907 That is another great thing in life, people who are... 244 00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:19,577 You hear the little bell, and the white truck, 245 00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:22,955 and the little white coat, and we'll do it Stand behind the truck, 246 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:26,250 and all the ice different cream that you can be behind the truck, 247 00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:28,210 placed just above the exhaust pipe. 248 00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:29,295 [laughter] 249 00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:31,964 If you have a Dixie Cup , it's equivalent 250 00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:33,591 Smoking a pack of camels. 251 00:10:33,674 --> 00:10:34,884 [laughter] 252 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:36,844 No one cares! 253 00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:39,305 This is the right time! 254 00:10:39,388 --> 00:10:40,681 [laughs] 255 00:10:41,849 --> 00:10:43,309 [movie projector is spinning] 256 00:10:47,271 --> 00:10:49,065 [Jerry] There is no drama in my life, 257 00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:51,484 or in my family, or in my world. 258 00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:54,195 Will I be funny if I grew up in Peoria 259 00:10:54,278 --> 00:10:56,197 at a brothel, raised by a prostitute? 260 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:57,865 Right. 261 00:10:58,366 --> 00:10:59,950 But here's I have to handle. 262 00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:03,496 My parents are very good, Betty and Kal. 263 00:11:03,579 --> 00:11:06,791 I have a great sister, Carolyn. That is a family well. 264 00:11:07,625 --> 00:11:10,169 But I always feel, like, "Can you leave me alone?" 265 00:11:10,252 --> 00:11:12,963 The first thing I've ever said - My first words is, "Leave me alone." 266 00:11:14,256 --> 00:11:18,135 I used to knock on a lamp or something, and they used to say, "Just leave it." 267 00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:19,804 And then, one day, I shout back, 268 00:11:19,887 --> 00:11:20,930 "Leave me alone." 269 00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:25,059 I just don't want anything normal. 270 00:11:25,142 --> 00:11:27,395 I just don't want something normal. 271 00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:31,857 I just thought, "That world that these people live in is very boring", 272 00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:34,151 and I want to be in a more pleasant place. " 273 00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:35,569 [laughter] 274 00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:37,905 I have ten o'clock glasses, braces at age 12. 275 00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:39,949 I said to my parents," Don't stop right now. " 276 00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:41,867 What about hearing aids, orthopedic shoes?" 277 00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:42,785 [laughter] 278 00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:46,747 "I'm thinking of talking to a girl for the first time in my life. " 279 00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:51,210 I want a lot of corrective equipment in my head like I might be able to. 280 00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:52,878 " I think that's what women like. " / p> 281 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:54,255 [laughter] 282 00:11:54,338 --> 00:11:55,965 I have yo-yo. I-I like that. 283 00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:57,383 Yo-yo that's pretty good 284 00:11:57,466 --> 00:11:58,801 That is one of my good toys. 285 00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:01,095 I can do yo-yo pretty well. 286 00:12:01,178 --> 00:12:02,513 And I read about yo-yo 287 00:12:02,596 --> 00:12:06,600 and found yo-yo originally created as weapons in the Philippines. 288 00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:09,103 What's interesting and unclear information. 289 00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:14,650 It's hard to imagine Filipinos fighting with yo-yo. 290 00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:17,862 The plane fly low above the enemy village, 291 00:12:17,945 --> 00:12:19,155 they lean out the door... 292 00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:20,239 [click tongue] 293 00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:21,323 [laughter] 294 00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:24,243 " I think I got the police chief. " 295 00:12:24,326 --> 00:12:25,327 [laughter] 296 00:12:27,204 --> 00:12:28,414 But I don't have... 297 00:12:28,497 --> 00:12:32,293 You know, there is no Chuck E. Cheese /> and Toys "R" Us. 298 00:12:32,376 --> 00:12:33,711 Nothing. 299 00:12:33,794 --> 00:12:36,672 So, you know, you just did it whatever your parents did 300 00:12:36,755 --> 00:12:39,550 Wherever they have to go, you know, I will go. 301 00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:42,303 So, my mom wants to go to the wallpaper store, 302 00:12:42,386 --> 00:12:44,013 that is my day, you know 303 00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:46,265 And that is my mother's favorite store. 304 00:12:46,348 --> 00:12:48,642 She love the giant wallpaper book. 305 00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:50,603 He will read it, turn the page. 306 00:12:50,686 --> 00:12:52,062 It's like the Koran. 307 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:53,189 [exhale] 308 00:12:53,772 --> 00:12:55,608 Large He sees the patterns. 309 00:12:55,691 --> 00:12:57,860 "Yes, I understand what they say." 310 00:12:57,943 --> 00:12:58,777 [laughter] 311 00:12:58,861 --> 00:13:00,863 [exhale] 312 00:13:01,655 --> 00:13:04,533 And when you were little in this place, you can't really accept it. 313 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,410 You know, boredom is so strong, 314 00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:07,786 very strong 315 00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:08,704 [laughter] 316 00:13:08,787 --> 00:13:12,458 When you are five years old and you are bored, you cannot support your weight. 317 00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:14,919 You are right- right only... I will only... 318 00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:18,047 I'll just go down. I have to go down. 319 00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:19,131 [laughter] 320 00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:21,926 I remember going to the bank with my parents, 321 00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:23,552 and you don't even know what a bank is. 322 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:27,181 You just say, "Oh, I can't handle this. I don't even know what this is." 323 00:13:27,264 --> 00:13:29,225 And I will lie down, flat. 324 00:13:29,308 --> 00:13:30,518 Flat.
Only... 325 00:13:31,101 --> 00:13:35,105 "Sorry, Ma'am. There is nothing I can do. This place is very dull, I can't wake up." 326 00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:36,190 [laughter] 327 00:13:36,732 --> 00:13:38,442 p> 328 00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:40,819 This is what I think is an adult. 329 00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:42,446 Adulthood is the ability of to be completely bored 330 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:43,531 and stay standing 331 00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:46,909 [laughter ] 332 00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:50,955 You are in a long line somewhere, it doesn't matter. 333 00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:53,040 I don't go to Disneyland, okay? 334 00:13:53,123 --> 00:13:55,209 It's not... That won't happen. 335 00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:57,503 My parents didn't take me... 336 00:13:58,420 --> 00:14:00,297 thousands of miles to other states 337 00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:01,882 so I could sit in a cup of tea. 338 00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:02,967 [laughter] 339 00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:05,678 My parents are orphans, 340 00:14:05,761 --> 00:14:08,931 so the fact that I have a room with a bed, they are like, 341 00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:11,058 "That's your trip, you can continue. " 342 00:14:11,141 --> 00:14:12,142 [laughter] 343 00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:13,310 " You're fine. " 344 00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:14,979 And I'm fine. 345 00:14:15,062 --> 00:14:16,730 Sometimes, outside this shop, 346 00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:19,692 they will have, like, two red, metal horses on the sidewalk, 347 00:14:19,775 --> 00:14:21,360 and that's pretty good. 348 00:14:21,443 --> 00:14:24,071 If you can get ten cents and... It's not a ride. 349 00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:26,115 You know, it's kind of a piece, 350 00:14:26,198 --> 00:14:28,284 is just a fragment that escapes from a ride 351 00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:30,035 p> 352 00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:32,663 And it doesn't do anything It will make you go, "Whee!" 353 00:14:32,746 --> 00:14:35,291 It will only grind forward and backward 354 00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:37,376 [ imitate mechanical milling] 355 00:14:37,459 --> 00:14:38,878 [laughter] 356 00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:40,713 It feels like a grain elevator motor 357 00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:43,215 with only two horses welded above. 358 00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:45,301 [ imitate mechanical milling] 359 00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:48,888 "Do we process soba or am at an amusement park here?" 360 00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:50,598 [imitate mechanical milling] 361 00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:52,099 [ laughter] 362 00:14:52,182 --> 00:14:55,895 But instead of lying on the floor Bank, this is Space Mountain for me. 363 00:14:55,978 --> 00:14:59,023 You know, I think that's good. I will go down. < br /> "Mom, it's fantastic!" 364 00:14:59,106 --> 00:15:01,609 I feel 1,000% better. 365 00:15:01,692 --> 00:15:02,943 I'm fresh, I'm calm. 367 00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:06,530 [laughter] 368 00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:09,575 > 369 00:15:09,658 --> 00:15:10,659 [laughter] 371 00:15:13,537 --> 00:15:16,081 about uh... what he will do with the living room 373 00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:20,044 He will fix the living room, replace the living room 374 00:15:20,127 --> 00:15:25,049 My mother will say, "You know, if you make one mirror room wall", 375 00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:27,968 people think you have all the other rooms. " 376 00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:29,053 [laughter] 377 00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:31,263 They believe this. 378 00:15:02,027 --> 00:15:35,142 What kind of idiot? walk to the mirror... 379 00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:36,685 [laughter] 382 00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:42,942 There is a man there it looks like me 383 00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:44,026 [laughter] 384 00:15:45,694 --> 00:15:48,447 And my parakeet will fall for this. < br /> I will let him out of his cage. 385 00:15:48,530 --> 00:15:51,700 I always feel bad about being in a cage, so I will let him out, 386 00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,702 and he will fly around, and he will go "bang," 387 00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:56,372 go directly to the mirror with its small head, 389 00:15:52,040 --> 00:16:00,960 and it will hit the ground, then fly the other way, 390 00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:02,211 is slightly tilted 391 00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:03,420 [laughter] 392 00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:06,048 But even if he thinks the mirror is another room, 393 00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:09,426 why doesn't he just try and avoid hitting another parakeet? 394 00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:10,719 [laughter] 395 00:16:11,553 --> 00:16:12,554 Look! 396 00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:14,473 What happened to bird's eyes? 397 00:16:14,556 --> 00:16:17,309 There... There are other parakeets come right at you! 398 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:18,686 [laughter] 399 00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:22,648 But I can't take childhood at some point You are bored with that 400 00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:26,110 You really get... I can't build it one more balsa-wood glider. 401 00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:27,194 [laughter] 402 00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:29,029 Do you know what I want to do? 403 00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:32,366 I want to do a little adults the behavior I will do with adults. 404 00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:35,661 Like uh... I like the way adults check their pockets when I was little . 405 00:16:35,744 --> 00:16:39,039 This is actually something I think as a child I like the way adults do this. 406 00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,249 "Do you have it...?" 407 00:16:40,874 --> 00:16:42,459 "I can't find the key. 408 00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:45,546 Bill, do you have my key? I can't find the key." 409 00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:48,549 When you are still small, if someone asks If you have something, you say, "No." 410 00:16:48,632 --> 00:16:49,633 [laughter] 411 00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:52,469 Whatever you have is in your hands. 412 00:16:53,470 --> 00:16:55,347 "Are you sure?" You spread your fingers wider. 413 00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:57,016 "No, I don't, I don't have it." 414 00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:58,100 [laughter] 415 00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:01,937 I want to destroy my appetite. 416 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:04,523 I'm tired of hearing it, "You will spoil your appetite." 417 00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:05,733 "Destroy your appetite." 418 00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:08,360 As adults, we understand even if you spoil your appetite, 419 00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:10,612 there is another appetite comes right behind him 420 00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:13,866 There is no danger < br /> run out of appetite 421 00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:16,618 I can destroy 100, I still have thousands more. 422 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:17,911 [laughter] 423 00:17:17,995 --> 00:17:21,415 Why am I so careful heart with each one? I have millions of appetites! 424 00:17:21,498 --> 00:17:22,499 [laughter] 425 00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:27,087 I want to mess up the thermostat - 426 00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:29,548 That is another thing < br /> they won't let me get closer. 427 00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:30,883 I don't know what the story is... 428 00:17:30,966 --> 00:17:33,761 When I was a kid, "What's with what is that?
Why can't I approach it? " 429 00:17:33,844 --> 00:17:34,845 [laughter] 430 00:17:35,345 --> 00:17:38,766 I even remember when my parents sat me down down to tell me birds, bees, 431 00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:40,309 sexual relations, procreation 432 00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:43,228 I like, "Yes, when < br> the thermostat goes in here? " 433 00:17:43,812 --> 00:17:46,273 " That's the secret I'm waiting to find out. " 434 00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:47,357 [laughter] 435 00:17:48,358 --> 00:17:50,819 I don't touch thermostat until I'm 28 years old 436 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:51,987 [laughter] 437 00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,406 I was in a hotel room in Pittsburgh 438 00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:57,326 When I finally got the guts to make it a little warmer. 439 00:17:57,409 --> 00:17:58,410 [laughter] 440 00:18:00,370 --> 00:18:01,663 I didn't sleep all night. 441 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,166 I'm afraid my father will explode at the door. 442 00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:06,043 > 443 00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:07,127 "Who touched the thermostat here?" 444 00:18:11,465 --> 00:18:13,300 [laughter] 445 00:18:13,383 --> 00:18:14,551 "You know, I set it there for a reason." 446 00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:15,636 [laughter] 447 00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:17,721 [man] I recognize bookends. 448 00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:21,767 - Are they always here, or is that... - No, I put them here That's mine 449 00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:24,561 That is Superman. You know, I love Superman. 450 00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:26,021 So this is... 451 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,315 This is Kal-El in Krypton. 452 00:18:28,398 --> 00:18:30,818

453 00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:34,321 You know he's there. He is in a rocket. 454 00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:36,615 And there is his father, Jor-El, and his mother, Lara. 455 00:18:36,698 --> 00:18:38,117 And then he entered the rocket, 456 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,576 and he landed... 457 00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:40,744 Where did he land? Kansas? 458 00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:44,456 - [man] Kansas - Kansas. 459 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:45,707 And he's there, and they've got it little Superman baby... there. 460 00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:48,585 Yes, that's mine 461 00:18:48,669 --> 00:18:51,004 - What's more? What is that? - Whose book is that? 462 00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,715 They're just props. This is a show business. 463 00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:55,884 I don't really live here. This isn't... 464 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,094 [ laughter] 465 00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:59,304 You need to get out more. 466 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:06,645 I have every comedy album and every comedy you can get. 467 00:19:06,728 --> 00:19:09,273 I do shows with this puppet When I was in third grade. 468 00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:12,609 When I was a kid and a comedian came on TV, 470 00:19:15,362 --> 00:19:17,781 Become obsessed with comedy feel very free, 471 00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:20,159 because it doesn't have to be done with the real world 472 00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:22,703 You know, Mad Magazine, 473 00:19:22,786 --> 00:19:24,621 You will start reading it
and you go, 474 00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:26,790 "Well, these people don't respect anything 475 00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,710 And that just explodes my head. 476 00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:32,462 That's just, like , You don't need to buy it. 477 00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:34,965 You could say, "It's stupid." 478 00:19:35,382 --> 00:19:36,592 "It's stupid." 479 00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:43,140 Then, one day, my friend's older brother told us there was this place in New York 480 00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:46,393 where young people climb onto the stage and do stand-up comedy. 481 00:19:46,977 --> 00:19:49,897 Unlike people on Ed Sullivan with tuxedos and cigars , 482 00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:51,690 only young, crazy people 483 00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:55,027 As soon as I see this happening, that there is a world, 484 00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:58,947 I go, "Oh, I want to be in that world. I don't want to be in the real world. " 485 00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:02,618 So, I came to the city in 1976. 486 00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:03,827 I told you that. 487 00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:07,247 Uh... At that time, New York, a few difficult cities. 488 00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:10,042 Uh... but definitely the best place, 489 00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:12,753 In my opinion, for become a comedian, 490 00:20:12,836 --> 00:20:15,505 because, first of all, everyone in New York is kind of funny. 491 00:20:16,506 --> 00:20:18,634 I'm sure you all think you're funny. 492 00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:19,801 [laughter] 493 00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,763 That's why you like comedy - You feel you are quite funny yourself. 494 00:20:22,846 --> 00:20:25,307 You might even think you can do what I do. 495 00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:27,809 You think... "I'm interested in something else," 496 00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:30,354 But if I want, I can easily... 497 00:20:30,437 --> 00:20:31,521 I can do it. 498 00:20:31,605 --> 00:20:33,482 "I choose not to do it." 499 00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:34,858 [laughter and applause] 500 00:20:36,693 --> 00:20:39,696 And that is a good place to learn comedy, 501 00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:42,991 because in New York You have to really have something 502 00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:44,993 to make the audience laugh. 503 00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:47,162 And at that moment, 504 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,289 New York did not go well like a city. 505 00:20:49,373 --> 00:20:50,749 The city went bankrupt. 506 00:20:50,832 --> 00:20:55,212 That was the same year they built Roosevelt Island Tramway. 507 00:20:55,295 --> 00:20:57,339 I used to say, "Great, this city went bankrupt. 508 00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:59,007 They put up a vehicle for us. " 509 00:20:59,091 --> 00:20:59,967 [laughter] 510 00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:03,136 " Maybe we will finally get it a rollercoaster in the South Bronx... " 511 00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:05,305 will be the first rollercoaster 512 00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:08,558 "where people scream in the flat part of the trip." 513 00:21:08,642 --> 00:21:10,102 [laughter] 514 00:21:10,185 --> 00:21:14,273 And that is my second joke
00:21:15,607 [cheering and clapping] 516 00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:25,158 So I have a little left, I have a tram. 517 00:21:25,242 --> 00:21:26,410 I roll over. 518 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,788 > 519 00:21:29,871 --> 00:21:31,081 And I live in a small apartment on the west side, 520 00:21:31,164 --> 00:21:33,333 and it's very small. 521 00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:34,418 It's only 15 square feet. 522 00:21:34,501 --> 00:21:37,713 It's not a joke. You know a New York apartment like that. 523 00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:41,133 And I brought my little bed from my room 524 00:21:41,216 --> 00:21:42,718 to sleep well 525 00:21:42,801 --> 00:21:44,636 That's all I have. I don't care 526 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:48,890 I-I didn't plan it seriously get anywhere doing this, by the way. 527 00:21:48,974 --> 00:21:51,101 I just like it and I want to do it. 528 00:21:51,601 --> 00:21:53,353 So I live in that apartment. 529 00:21:53,437 --> 00:21:57,065 Because I can't fix it or whatever, I will paint it a lot. 530 00:21:57,149 --> 00:21:58,567 Every time I paint it, I think, 531 00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:01,403 "Geez, it's a little smaller now." 532 00:22:02,070 --> 00:22:06,116 And I realize it's only the thickness is from paint, but it goes in 533 00:22:06,199 --> 00:22:07,200 It goes in 534 00:22:07,284 --> 00:22:08,327 [laughter] 535 00:22:08,410 --> 00:22:11,121 Finally, someone goes to come visit me, open the door, 536 00:22:11,204 --> 00:22:13,332 there will only be a white block with an eye. 537 00:22:13,415 --> 00:22:14,499 [laughter] 538 00:22:14,583 --> 00:22:17,544 They will go, "Wow! That person painted that place a little too much. " 539 00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:20,464 And uh... 540 00:22:20,547 --> 00:22:23,175 So, there is no money. We appear here for free, by the way. 542 00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:25,886 And the audience is packing. 543 00:22:25,969 --> 00:22:27,929 Just like tonight, they pack to see us 544 00:22:28,013 --> 00:22:30,640 In the 70s, we were hot new things - 545 00:22:30,724 --> 00:22:33,518 stand-up comics, young people do this 546 00:22:33,602 --> 00:22:36,438 So I'll come here in the middle of days and make hamburgers 547 00:22:36,521 --> 00:22:37,564 They let us eat . 549 00:22:41,109 --> 00:22:42,819 So I'm wearing a Strip Comic T-shirt. 550 00:22:43,403 --> 00:22:45,655 I'll come here in the afternoon, make a hamburger, 551 00:22:45,739 --> 00:22:49,326 and then I'll have one more, another hamburger at night 552 00:22:49,409 --> 00:22:52,287 And I'm consuming about 30 pounds of minced meat a month 553 00:22:52,370 --> 00:22:53,205 [the audience complains 554 00:22:53,288 --> 00:22:55,415 I'm like a trained seal coming in here. 555 00:22:55,499 --> 00:22:56,500 I just... 556 00:22:56,583 --> 00:22:58,502 Just feed me, and I will come, 557 00:22:58,585 --> 00:23:00,712 and only, "Street tram, a little left, good night," 558 00:23:00,796 --> 00:23:02,255 and that, you know, that's it. 559 00:23:02,339 --> 00:23:03,757 [laughter] 560 00:23:04,382 --> 00:23:07,803 Someone gave me a shower radio as a gift for my apartment 561 00:23:07,886 --> 00:23:09,179 I could just use the sofa. 562 00:23:09,805 --> 00:23:11,389 Oh, radio shower, that's a nice gift. 563 00:23:11,473 --> 00:23:15,519 There is no better place to dance than naked on the slippery surface next to the glass door 564 00:23:15,602 --> 00:23:16,728 [laughter] 565 00:23:17,979 --> 00:23:21,441 But I still feel that comedy culture, 566 00:23:21,525 --> 00:23:23,527 I will call it, from New York City. 567 00:23:23,610 --> 00:23:25,278 I feel it's still here. 568 00:23:25,362 --> 00:23:29,116 So, I'm bright, and there's a guy crossing in front of my car, 569 00:23:29,199 --> 00:23:30,450 and then the light changes. 570 00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:32,911 Actually it's my turn to go. They are in front of the car. 571 00:23:32,994 --> 00:23:37,374 New Yorkers, you know how they raise their elbows to pretend? 573 00:23:40,752 --> 00:23:42,796 This is the impression someone is in a hurry , 574 00:23:42,879 --> 00:23:44,881 but they don't go faster. 575 00:23:44,965 --> 00:23:46,383 Exactly the same speed. 576 00:23:46,967 --> 00:23:50,428 This is what it looks like If I'm in a hurry, but I don't. 577 00:23:50,512 --> 00:23:52,472 I'll just raise my elbow... 578 00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:56,226 and do fake jogging. 579 00:23:56,309 --> 00:23:57,310 [laughter] 580 00:24:00,188 --> 00:24:01,773 Someone gives me a finger. .. 581 00:24:02,899 --> 00:24:04,776 on the way, which I don't care about. 582 00:24:04,860 --> 00:24:07,737 I don't understand Even why it's the finger. 583 00:24:08,613 --> 00:24:11,366 Someone chose one of their fingers , 584 00:24:11,449 --> 00:24:12,450 they showed it to me, 585 00:24:12,534 --> 00:24:13,869 I should feel bad. 586 00:24:13,952 --> 00:24:14,953 [laughter] 587 00:24:17,789 --> 00:24:19,833 Bad finger This is a good finger, isn't it? 588 00:24:19,916 --> 00:24:20,917 [laughter] 589 00:24:21,668 --> 00:24:23,712 I always try and remember, if I get this finger, 590 00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:26,673 I'm one finger away from praise, so... 591 00:24:26,756 --> 00:24:28,049 [laughter and applause] 592 00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:29,467 ... isn't that bad. 593 00:24:35,473 --> 00:24:38,894 These road cleaning trucks
in New York, as a point... 594 00:24:38,977 --> 00:24:41,646 What kind of street theater is this absurdity? 595 00:24:41,730 --> 00:24:45,066 Does anyone think this truck is cleaning... < /p> 596 00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:46,193 [tawa] 597 00:24:46,276 --> 00:24:47,903 ... run ?! 598 00:24:47,986 --> 00:24:51,615 Do they think they are cleaning the way? 599 00:24:51,698 --> 00:24:54,242 Do they just laugh their butt in front... 600 00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:57,746 "Hey, take all parked cars get away, everyone!" 601 00:24:57,829 --> 00:24:58,830 [laughter] 602 00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:01,875 "We have to make big, hard, annoying hissing sounds," 603 00:25:01,958 --> 00:25:04,794 Then leave a little trace of pee water comes out from behind... 604 00:25:05,378 --> 00:25:08,548 "to complete our process of doing it completely." 605 00:25:08,632 --> 00:25:09,466 [laughter] 606 00:25:10,050 --> 00:25:12,219 "Wait until you see the Ninth Avenue after we're done. " 607 00:25:12,302 --> 00:25:14,846 You will think you are rendering the architect... 608 00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:19,643 "... walk past it a future natural wonders. " 609 00:25:20,268 --> 00:25:23,605 If you walk on the street in New York and you step in gum, 610 00:25:23,688 --> 00:25:26,441 and the gum is on your shoes for a few blocks, 611 00:25:26,524 --> 00:25:27,817 whatever the gum takes, 612 00:25:27,901 --> 00:25:31,738 That is the only cleansing of anything going on in New York City. 613 00:25:32,989 --> 00:25:34,324 We live in filth! 614 00:25:34,407 --> 00:25:35,408 [laughter] 615 00:25:36,117 --> 00:25:38,036 We don't even care! 616 00:25:39,955 --> 00:25:42,332 Sentences have never been heard in the history of New York City: 617 00:25:42,415 --> 00:25:44,251 "Hey, why don't we get a new tent?" 618 00:25:44,334 --> 00:25:45,335 [laughter] 619 00:25:46,586 --> 00:25:47,921 [applause] 620 00:25:49,506 --> 00:25:52,634 "We have six pounds from this one bird bullshit, 621 00:25:52,717 --> 00:25:56,721 12 rips, 11 places where the metal frame appears. " 622 00:25:57,555 --> 00:25:59,015 " It costs 200 dollars. 623 00:25:59,099 --> 00:26:02,018 That's just the overall appearance of our entire business. " 624 00:26:04,312 --> 00:26:05,605 "I don't think it's a good idea." 625 00:26:05,689 --> 00:26:06,773 I think it's better 626 00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:10,485 as a way for us to secretly reveal how much we hate ourselves 627 00:26:10,568 --> 00:26:13,196 "and the stupidity of people It even goes here." 628 00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:14,864 "Yeah, you're right, let's leave." 629 00:26:14,948 --> 00:26:15,949 [laughter] 630 00:26:16,992 --> 00:26:19,244 Just landed in LaGuardia last week. 631 00:26:19,327 --> 00:26:20,829 Always uh... it's good there. 632 00:26:20,912 --> 00:26:22,622 I like uh... I like high ceilings. 633 00:26:22,706 --> 00:26:23,748 This is very good uh... 634 00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:24,833 [laughter] 635 00:26:24,916 --> 00:26:27,252 Can be lower, but I think that's good. It's good. 636 00:26:27,335 --> 00:26:31,756 Named after the former mayor of New York, of course just, Fiorello H. La Guardia. 637 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:35,302 And I imagine that day was exciting enough In his life when he got the news, 638 00:26:35,385 --> 00:26:37,262 when they came to his office and said, 639 00:26:37,345 --> 00:26:40,598 "Mayor, we have decided we will go to name the new airport after you." 640 00:26:40,682 --> 00:26:44,102 He left, "Really? Which one?" They go, "LaGuardia, in Grand Central." 641 00:26:44,185 --> 00:26:46,730 "Oh, right, right. Yes, I've been there a million times." 642 00:26:46,813 --> 00:26:47,814 [laughter] 643 00:26:48,857 --> 00:26:51,860 I went through customs. The man asked me, "I have to go through the bag. 644 00:26:51,943 --> 00:26:55,280 Do you drink alcohol, what plants?" > He really said, "What medicine?" 645 00:26:55,363 --> 00:26:57,657 Is this an effective interrogation? 646 00:26:57,741 --> 00:26:59,743 Does anyone go, "Bingo! You arrested me." 647 00:26:59,826 --> 00:27:03,038 Oh my God. I didn't see the question coming. " 648 00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:04,205 [laughter] 649 00:27:04,289 --> 00:27:05,582 " Twenty kilos there. 650 00:27:05,665 --> 00:27:08,335 You really I really made me feel off guard. " 651 00:27:10,128 --> 00:27:12,505 New York in the 70s was a crime city, it was a police city, 652 00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:14,049 it was a newspaper city. 653 00:27:14,132 --> 00:27:16,426 I always liked < br> that whatever happens in this world, 654 00:27:16,509 --> 00:27:19,012 somehow exactly matches the number of pages 655 00:27:19,095 --> 00:27:21,056 they use in the newspaper that day. 656 00:27:21,139 --> 00:27:23,016 Mereka tidak pernah kehabisan ruang. 657 00:27:23,099 --> 00:27:25,810 They never have big blank spots where nothing happens 658 00:27:25,894 --> 00:27:28,813 They are certain, in the end, "Get the paper before something happens." 659 00:27:28,897 --> 00:27:30,607 That is another one that fits today. 660 00:27:30,690 --> 00:27:31,900 "That's fantastic." 661 00:27:31,983 --> 00:27:33,360 [laughter] 662 00:27:33,943 --> 00:27:37,322 I like it when the police catch someone and they hit them with magic wands, 663 00:27:37,405 --> 00:27:39,824 and they put them in handcuffs, 664 00:27:39,908 --> 00:27:41,534 and they use chokehold on them. 665 00:27:41,618 --> 00:27:43,912 But when they put it < br /> In the back seat of a police car, 666 00:27:43,995 --> 00:27:45,789 they always put their hands on their heads. 667 00:27:45,872 --> 00:27:48,750 "You don't want to hit your head on the edge of the door." 668 00:27:49,334 --> 00:27:52,379 "That's really fierce. That's smart, you know? 669 00:27:52,462 --> 00:27:53,588 Be careful." 670 00:27:53,671 --> 00:27:54,964 [laughter] 671 00:27:55,548 --> 00:27:57,926 Why are criminals and this mass murderer, 672 00:27:58,009 --> 00:28:01,805 hijackers, psychopaths cover their faces 673 00:28:01,888 --> 00:28:03,390 when are they transported? 674 00:28:03,473 --> 00:28:07,727 What is this man's reputation that he has to worry about someone seeing him? 675 00:28:07,811 --> 00:28:08,895 Is he dating fast? 676 00:28:08,978 --> 00:28:11,898 Is he looking for a promotion in the corner of the office? 677 00:28:11,981 --> 00:28:14,734 "Oh, if the person in my sales team sees me. .. " 678 00:28:14,818 --> 00:28:15,693 [laughter] 679 00:28:15,777 --> 00:28:18,196 ... hijack Egypt Air 747 680 00:28:18,279 --> 00:28:20,949 and throw corpses onto the runway one by one, 681 00:28:21,032 --> 00:28:23,076 "I will never hear the end of it, I tell you." 682 00:28:23,701 --> 00:28:26,663 "They will stab me in that break room. You don't know." 683 00:28:28,665 --> 00:28:31,376 When they find the stun gun, I'm not sure what it is. 684 00:28:31,459 --> 00:28:33,503 It feels like a gun that they love you with that, 685 00:28:33,586 --> 00:28:36,131 and You just go, "Oh, God, I'm..." 686 00:28:36,214 --> 00:28:37,215 [laughter] 687 00:28:37,298 --> 00:28:38,466 "Are you okay?" "No, I'm fine. 688 00:28:38,550 --> 00:28:41,219 Actually, I'm just stunned > that you will even use it on me. " 689 00:28:41,302 --> 00:28:42,595 [laughter] 690 00:28:43,179 --> 00:28:45,598 I want to know if you can customize it just" stunned "? 691 00:28:45,682 --> 00:28:48,560 If you can reject it and just zap someone, and they go... 692 00:28:49,394 --> 00:28:50,395 "Wow." 693 00:28:50,478 --> 00:28:51,479 [laughter] 694 00:28:54,816 --> 00:28:56,609 "You're good okay? " " No, I'm fine. Just... " 695 00:28:57,652 --> 00:28:58,695 [laughter] 696 00:28:58,778 --> 00:28:59,779 [applause] 697 00:29:01,072 --> 00:29:02,699 "I was a little surprised." 698 00:29:06,411 --> 00:29:10,623 When I was 21 years old, the idea of Being a comedian seemed impossible. 699 00:29:10,707 --> 00:29:11,791 I lived at home. 700 00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:14,043 I have a job a few blocks like that. 701 00:29:14,127 --> 00:29:17,422 I'm firing a wall for $ 25 a day, 702 00:29:17,505 --> 00:29:21,342 and I'll sit here and have lunch every day 703 00:29:22,552 --> 00:29:24,888 And I remember thinking, "Even if I'm not good at it," 704 00:29:24,971 --> 00:29:28,683 if I can make enough for bread Bread a week, I can survive, 705 00:29:28,767 --> 00:29:31,644 "and indeed the greatest life I can have." 706 00:29:32,729 --> 00:29:35,690 Have you ever seen any insults on each roll of toilet paper? 707 00:29:35,774 --> 00:29:37,984 Down at the bottom: "face quality." 708 00:29:38,067 --> 00:29:39,068 [audience laughs] 709 00:29:40,528 --> 00:29:41,821 I don't like that allusion. 710 00:29:42,697 --> 00:29:44,157 What should I do with this? 711 00:29:45,742 --> 00:29:47,535 And, yes, there is heckling and bombing, 712 00:29:47,619 --> 00:29:51,080 and someone once throws a glass at me I was destroyed on stage. 713 00:29:51,164 --> 00:29:54,167 I remember some people who were interested in physical combat. 714 00:29:54,250 --> 00:29:55,710 Nothing bothered me. 715 00:29:55,794 --> 00:29:57,003 I'm in comedy, 716 00:29:57,086 --> 00:29:58,630 and it just feels like heaven. 717 00:29:59,547 --> 00:30:01,674 You know, one of the big nights I have here 718 00:30:01,758 --> 00:30:05,720 is my parents come to see me doing my show, 719 00:30:05,804 --> 00:30:07,305 because I never... 720 00:30:07,388 --> 00:30:11,142 For whatever reason, I am very ashamed of my parents 721 00:30:11,226 --> 00:30:14,813 to show them this part of my personality. 722 00:30:14,896 --> 00:30:19,859 So when I started doing this, you know, a little strange to them, 723 00:30:19,943 --> 00:30:23,488 You know, when I told them , "I think I want to be a comedian," and they go... 724 00:30:23,571 --> 00:30:24,572 "GOOD." 725 00:30:25,406 --> 00:30:27,784 "You know, you never do something funny. " 726 00:30:27,867 --> 00:30:28,868 [laughter] 727 00:30:31,371 --> 00:30:34,415 So, finally, I bring them here, 728 00:30:34,499 --> 00:30:36,084 and they sit there. 729 00:30:36,167 --> 00:30:38,253 And I'm so nervous that night, 730 00:30:38,336 --> 00:30:41,798 because I showed them The whole side of me. 731 00:30:41,881 --> 00:30:45,510 It feels like when my little gay-closet, you know, where should I say, 732 00:30:45,593 --> 00:30:47,679 "Mom, Dad, me... 733 00:30:47,762 --> 00:30:50,473 I don't know how to tell you this, But I'm a funny person." 734 00:30:51,140 --> 00:30:52,433 "And me. .. " 735 00:30:52,517 --> 00:30:55,645 I don't want to feel shy that again, and... 736 00:30:55,728 --> 00:30:57,897 " I want to live a funny lifestyle now. " 737 00:30:57,981 --> 00:30:59,107 [laughter] 738 00:30:59,190 --> 00:31:00,900 "I want to be with other funny people, 739 00:31:00,984 --> 00:31:03,403 I want breakfast two o'clock in the afternoon." 740 00:31:03,486 --> 00:31:04,487 [laughter] 741 00:31:05,363 --> 00:31:06,614 And I came out. 742 00:31:07,198 --> 00:31:08,283 [laughs] 743 00:31:08,366 --> 00:31:12,745 And the others uh... met the girl in the bar out there 744 00:31:12,829 --> 00:31:14,455 That's also new, 745 00:31:14,539 --> 00:31:19,210 Because comedians sometimes have a little Difficulties in normal social situations. 746 00:31:19,294 --> 00:31:21,129 I can do this, for some reason, 747 00:31:21,212 --> 00:31:25,174 and I always... always feel comfortable doing what I do now 748 00:31:25,258 --> 00:31:26,968 I can talk to you all, 749 00:31:27,051 --> 00:31:28,845 but I can't talk to all of you. 750 00:31:28,928 --> 00:31:29,929 [laughter] 751 00:31:32,056 --> 00:31:33,391 I don't really understand that, 752 00:31:33,474 --> 00:31:36,811 but I have talked a lot with others comedians who have the same thing. 753 00:31:36,895 --> 00:31:38,062 So when you... 754 00:31:38,146 --> 00:31:40,607 Come here and do a show, 755 00:31:40,690 --> 00:31:43,151 and then you sit at the bar and the girl will talk to you 756 00:31:43,818 --> 00:31:45,236 And that, like, extraordinary. 757 00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:47,947 So that's why We never go to a place another. 758 00:31:48,031 --> 00:31:49,198 [laughter] 759 00:31:49,282 --> 00:31:52,785 Why don't you go? where someone might be able to see you 760 00:31:52,869 --> 00:31:56,164 satu hal yang bisa kamu lakukan Itu agak keren? 761 00:31:56,664 --> 00:32:00,668 So I started to have a relationship with women, watching them closely. 762 00:32:01,586 --> 00:32:05,715 Uh... Especially their bathrooms - amazing little wonderlands. 763 00:32:06,215 --> 00:32:08,676 I noticed that women need big 764 00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:11,304 and a constant supply of cotton balls, 765 00:32:11,387 --> 00:32:13,014 and men don't need anything. 766 00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:16,684 I have never had a cotton ball all my life 767 00:32:16,768 --> 00:32:18,519 I have never bought it, 768 00:32:18,603 --> 00:32:20,188 is owned by one, it takes one. 769 00:32:20,688 --> 00:32:23,232 I have never been in a situation where I have thought for myself, 770 00:32:23,316 --> 00:32:25,193 "I can use a cotton ball right now." 771 00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:26,277 [laughter] 772 00:32:26,361 --> 00:32:28,446 "I can definitely get out of this mess." 773 00:32:29,989 --> 00:32:30,990 Women need them. 774 00:32:31,824 --> 00:32:34,827 Dan mereka tidak membutuhkan satu atau dua, mereka membutuhkan ribuan setiap hari. 775 00:32:34,911 --> 00:32:37,538 They buy beanbag chairs filled with cotton balls - 776 00:32:37,622 --> 00:32:40,041 Two days later, everything is up, they need more 777 00:32:40,124 --> 00:32:41,709 They are on their way back to store. 778 00:32:41,793 --> 00:32:44,712 The only time you've seen it is at the bottom of a small trash basket, 779 00:32:44,796 --> 00:32:46,965 looks like they have a terrible experience 780 00:32:47,048 --> 00:32:48,216 [laughter] 781 00:32:48,299 --> 00:32:50,885 Tortured, interrogated - I don't know what you did to them. 782 00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:53,179 Once, a woman left three cotton balls in my house 783 00:32:53,262 --> 00:32:54,681 It took a year to use it. 784 00:32:55,223 --> 00:32:58,601 Put one on the kitchen floor cockroaches to think it's tumbleweed, 785 00:32:58,685 --> 00:33:00,395 Go, "This is the city is dead. Let's continue. " 786 00:33:00,478 --> 00:33:01,729 [laughter and applause] 787 00:33:04,065 --> 00:33:05,066 Or I go to the doctor. 788 00:33:05,149 --> 00:33:08,194 Before he gives you an injection, give alcohol on your arm with a cotton ball, 789 00:33:08,277 --> 00:33:09,487 I bring one of mine. 790 00:33:10,488 --> 00:33:12,949 He goes for him, I go, /> "Maybe you can use this one." 791 00:33:13,032 --> 00:33:14,158 [laughter] 792 00:33:15,702 --> 00:33:18,162 Sometimes he will use it, take a penny from my bill 793 00:33:19,163 --> 00:33:21,791 Give me the recipe, I bring it home, open the bottle, 794 00:33:21,874 --> 00:33:23,501 There's another cotton ball there. 795 00:33:24,002 --> 00:33:27,046 Cotton ball syndicate is always a step ahead. 796 00:33:27,130 --> 00:33:28,131 [laughter] 797 00:33:29,382 --> 00:33:31,843 But relationships contain tension. 798 00:33:31,926 --> 00:33:33,761 That can't be avoided. 799 00:33:34,262 --> 00:33:36,014 This is important, this is eternal. 800 00:33:36,597 --> 00:33:39,809 All relationships, There is always a little agenda 801 00:33:39,892 --> 00:33:41,978 is not enough to queue... 802 00:33:42,061 --> 00:33:43,730 between those two right? relations you are in life, 803 00:33:43,813 --> 00:33:45,940 Begitu juga setiap hubungan Anda berada dalam kehidupan, 804 00:33:46,024 --> 00:33:47,316 There will be tension. 805 00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:48,484 Just accept it 806 00:33:48,568 --> 00:33:51,070 You ask any friend how their relationship works, 807 00:33:51,154 --> 00:33:53,406 touch their faces is the first thing they do. 808 00:33:53,489 --> 00:33:55,366 "What about Judy?" "Not bad." 809 00:33:55,450 --> 00:33:56,451 [laughter] 810 00:33:57,660 --> 00:33:58,661 "Yeah , we're fine. " 811 00:33:58,745 --> 00:34:01,122 And the higher their faces go, 812 00:34:01,205 --> 00:34:03,166 the worse the relationship is. 813 00:34:03,249 --> 00:34:06,961 " I heard you had some problems. " "We have to do a few things." 814 00:34:07,045 --> 00:34:10,798 "I heard you might break up." "Yeah, I can't go higher in my head!" 815 00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:11,883 [ applause] 816 00:34:13,843 --> 00:34:16,095 This is one of the things it takes time to learn. 817 00:34:16,179 --> 00:34:20,683 Especially when you young people who have get everything happening in every other area 818 00:34:20,767 --> 00:34:22,518 But you have to learn interest. 819 00:34:22,602 --> 00:34:27,190 Strength of interest It takes a long time for men to understand. 820 00:34:27,273 --> 00:34:30,943 For us, it seems, you know, like reckless things, 821 00:34:31,027 --> 00:34:32,653 like things which is not important. 822 00:34:32,737 --> 00:34:34,447 This is... This is the key! 823 00:34:34,530 --> 00:34:35,656 [laughter] 824 00:34:36,240 --> 00:34:37,992 If there is no interest, 825 00:34:38,076 --> 00:34:40,787 Earth will be filled by men and lesbians. 826 00:34:40,870 --> 00:34:41,871 That will happen. 827 00:34:41,954 --> 00:34:42,955 [laughter] 828 00:34:44,916 --> 00:34:46,918 Women with men to get interest. 829 00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:48,252 That's what they want. 830 00:34:48,336 --> 00:34:50,546 Men don't want flowers. Don't give male flowers. 831 00:34:50,630 --> 00:34:52,507 "Oh, I have to take care of this now?" 832 00:34:52,590 --> 00:34:53,591 [laughter] 833 00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:57,428 "And what if they die? it's my fault I'm a bad person Good." 834 00:34:58,304 --> 00:35:00,932 But a man walk on the road holding a bouquet of flowers, 835 00:35:01,015 --> 00:35:02,183 He stars on the street. 836 00:35:02,266 --> 00:35:05,937 There are no other men who want to be with a girl on the same path as that person. 837 00:35:06,813 --> 00:35:08,439 Because you got that, "Look?" 838 00:35:08,523 --> 00:35:09,524 [laughter] 839 00:35:10,775 --> 00:35:12,568 "That's what I'm talking about." 840 00:35:12,652 --> 00:35:13,653 [laughter] 841 00:35:14,237 --> 00:35:15,905 Because he has flowers! 842 00:35:16,697 --> 00:35:19,909 He could have his head cut off /> On the other hand, he doesn't realize it. 843 00:35:19,992 --> 00:35:20,993 [laughter] 844 00:35:22,578 --> 00:35:24,747 He might just defend himself. 845 00:35:24,831 --> 00:35:25,832 [laughter] 846 00:35:26,999 --> 00:35:30,128 That's why the florist doesn't really prepare what the man needs. 847 00:35:30,211 --> 00:35:32,922 You just have to enter, You tell them what you did wrong, 848 00:35:33,005 --> 00:35:36,217 they give you flowers for it, and you just move out of the back. 849 00:35:38,386 --> 00:35:39,720 They need to make, 850 00:35:39,804 --> 00:35:42,807 "All right, your youngest is not idiot "bouquet. 851 00:35:43,641 --> 00:35:46,727 The, "Your career is also important" basket. 852 00:35:47,645 --> 00:35:49,522 That will really help men. 853 00:35:49,605 --> 00:35:50,731 [laughter] 854 00:35:52,108 --> 00:35:54,652 I am engaged when 29 years old. Don't go through with it. 855 00:35:54,735 --> 00:35:56,279 The date isn't good for me. 856 00:35:56,362 --> 00:35:57,655 [laughter] 857 00:35:57,738 --> 00:35:58,781 Must cancel. 858 00:35:59,282 --> 00:36:02,285 No, that is one of those things. You know, many people go through it. 859 00:36:02,368 --> 00:36:04,328 The word "engaged" is a very scary word. 860 00:36:04,412 --> 00:36:07,123 I - I will change it if I am responsible for that 861 00:36:07,206 --> 00:36:11,210 I don't know, woman, or anyone Come with that word, "get engaged." 862 00:36:11,294 --> 00:36:14,005 I only saw giant teeth, 863 00:36:14,088 --> 00:36:15,089 "Broken!" 864 00:36:15,965 --> 00:36:20,052 "Involved," for me, I felt like I was the first rollercoaster hill, leave, 865 00:36:20,136 --> 00:36:23,097 "Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click." 866 00:36:23,181 --> 00:36:24,348 "Wow, this is running high." 867 00:36:24,432 --> 00:36:27,602 "Click , click, click. " Above, they give you a ring and a piece of cake. 868 00:36:27,685 --> 00:36:29,061 [scream] 869 00:36:29,145 --> 00:36:30,146 " We are married! " 870 00:36:30,229 --> 00:36:31,898 p> 871 00:36:31,981 --> 00:36:33,274 [scream] 872 00:36:33,357 --> 00:36:34,358 [laughter] 873 00:36:35,109 --> 00:36:39,697 [chuckles] 874 00:36:39,780 --> 00:36:43,201 The biggest step, I think, in a relationship did you decide to have children 875 00:36:43,284 --> 00:36:46,746 I think you got to the point where everyone you know has been pretty much caught up to you. 876 00:36:46,829 --> 00:36:47,914 You need to make someone new That don't know anything about you. 877 00:36:47,997 --> 00:36:49,457 [laughter] 878 00:36:49,540 --> 00:36:52,460 You need a relationship 879 00:36:52,543 --> 00:36:53,544 where someone is impressed You know where the spoon is. 880 00:36:54,337 --> 00:36:55,671 [laughter] 881 00:36:56,297 --> 00:36:59,592 But, of course, they are adults, be smart and leave home. 882 00:36:59,675 --> 00:37:01,010 That's why people get pets, 883 00:37:01,093 --> 00:37:03,304 because dogs remain stupid. 884 00:37:03,387 --> 00:37:04,388 > 885 00:37:04,472 --> 00:37:05,806 [laughter] 886 00:37:05,890 --> 00:37:08,434 They grow, they get older, 887 00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:09,727 But they never catch anything. 888 00:37:09,810 --> 00:37:11,479 Every time you go home, 889 00:37:12,396 --> 00:37:13,564 > 890 00:37:13,648 --> 00:37:15,358 he thought it was amazing 891 00:37:15,441 --> 00:37:18,694 They went through a routine. 892 00:37:18,778 --> 00:37:20,321 ♪ He came back again! ♪ 893 00:37:20,404 --> 00:37:22,240 ♪ That person with his food < br /> And the ball ♪ 894 00:37:22,323 --> 00:37:24,283 ♪ This is the person ♪ 895 00:37:24,367 --> 00:37:25,576 "How do you know my house?" 896 00:37:26,827 --> 00:37:29,288 [laughter and applause] 897 00:37:29,372 --> 00:37:32,458 [chuckles] 898 00:37:32,541 --> 00:37:35,336 I have a neighbor next door One day I actually have a pet monkey. 899 00:37:35,419 --> 00:37:36,420 [laughter] 900 00:37:36,504 --> 00:37:40,967 Chimpanzee And I think, > "Come on, man, you're very close." 901 00:37:41,050 --> 00:37:42,260 [laughter] 902 00:37:42,343 --> 00:37:46,180 I mean, if you need pets who can roller-skate and smoke cigars... 903 00:37:46,681 --> 00:37:48,349 It's time to think about family. 904 00:37:48,432 --> 00:37:49,684 [laughter] 905 00:37:51,102 --> 00:37:52,645 What about men Men like something. 906 00:37:52,728 --> 00:37:54,939 Build, fix, do things, 907 00:37:55,022 --> 00:37:57,275 or be around other men who are building, 908 00:37:57,358 --> 00:37:59,902 fix, or do something. 909 00:37:59,986 --> 00:38:03,072 If a man being in his driveway doing something with tools, 910 00:38:03,155 --> 00:38:07,076 every other person in the neighborhood is magnetically interested in this activity 911 00:38:07,159 --> 00:38:08,786 by, like, some invisible power. 912 00:38:08,869 --> 00:38:11,205 They just walked like zombies. 913 00:38:11,289 --> 00:38:13,708 They went up to the window, They pulled the curtain back. 914 00:38:13,791 --> 00:38:16,168 "I think Jim works on something there." 915 00:38:16,794 --> 00:38:18,129 "I'd better go there." 916 00:38:18,212 --> 00:38:19,213 [laughter] 917 00:38:20,881 --> 00:38:23,718 They don't help that person. They just want to be in the area. 918 00:38:24,468 --> 00:38:28,556 We want to be in that area where work is being done 919 00:38:28,639 --> 00:38:30,349 We want to ask stupid questions to him . 920 00:38:30,433 --> 00:38:32,351 "What are you using, Phillips's head is there?" 921 00:38:33,144 --> 00:38:35,688 "Yes, it's a good screwdriver, Phillips." 922 00:38:35,771 --> 00:38:36,772 [laughter] 923 00:38:37,356 --> 00:38:40,109 You always want to block your pants when you talk about tools. 924 00:38:40,192 --> 00:38:41,444 [laughter] 925 00:38:41,527 --> 00:38:43,654 But this is why , when they have a construction location, 926 00:38:43,738 --> 00:38:46,032 they have this wood panel fence surrounds it, 927 00:38:46,115 --> 00:38:48,909 just to keep people out, so they can get work everyday. 928 00:38:49,910 --> 00:38:51,287 They cut a small hole for us 929 00:38:51,370 --> 00:38:54,165 so we can put our heads in. and see what is happening. 930 00:38:55,207 --> 00:38:57,960 "Did he use Phillips?" "Yeah , it looks like there's Phillips down there. 931 00:38:58,044 --> 00:38:59,420 That's a good screwdriver. " 932 00:38:59,503 --> 00:39:00,504 [laughter] 933 00:39:04,592 --> 00:39:07,970 This is where it is uh... right really give us home, 934 00:39:08,054 --> 00:39:09,347 and we just... 935 00:39:10,056 --> 00:39:11,349 locked on it, you know 936 00:39:11,432 --> 00:39:15,394 For me, it really feel very Long Island, by the way. 937 00:39:15,478 --> 00:39:18,272 - [Jimmy] Oh? - Because it's not cool, Manhattan. 938 00:39:18,356 --> 00:39:19,648 So we fit in 939 00:39:20,274 --> 00:39:21,650 Tujuh malam dalam seminggu, kami di sini. 940 00:39:21,734 --> 00:39:25,154 Seven nights a week, for months and months and months at once. 941 00:39:25,237 --> 00:39:29,450 You will spend all day getting ready for the sun to come down. 942 00:39:29,950 --> 00:39:31,327 - Right, yes - right 943 00:39:31,410 --> 00:39:33,371 Until the sun goes down, we don't exist. 944 00:39:33,454 --> 00:39:34,872 Yes, it's so dark... 945 00:39:34,955 --> 00:39:37,124 - [ Mark] That's right - "My life starts now." 946 00:39:37,792 --> 00:39:40,753 And what if you walk in this door 947 00:39:40,836 --> 00:39:42,671 and all your friends are here? 948 00:39:42,755 --> 00:39:45,216 - [Jimmy] yeah - [Jerry] And there is an audience there. 949 00:39:45,299 --> 00:39:46,384 That's amazing. 950 00:39:47,218 --> 00:39:49,720 For me, it feels like high school without a school section 951 00:39:49,804 --> 00:39:50,888 - [Jerry] yes! - You know? 952 00:39:50,971 --> 00:39:54,016 And we are... the stars of the football team. 953 00:39:54,100 --> 00:39:55,142 - That's right. - Right 954 00:39:55,226 --> 00:40:00,147 None of us ever experienced something like that, 955 00:40:00,231 --> 00:40:02,775 Socially, in our lives, before that time 956 00:40:03,359 --> 00:40:08,531 You know, you have to be dysfunctional a social person to deal with this. 957 00:40:08,614 --> 00:40:10,616 - You must desperate - Desperate. 958 00:40:10,699 --> 00:40:11,575 Yes. 959 00:40:11,659 --> 00:40:12,660 [laughter] 960 00:40:12,743 --> 00:40:14,120 What else do you want to know? 961 00:40:14,203 --> 00:40:16,956 - We have discussed a lot of things. - [man] What's wrong with Mets? 962 00:40:17,706 --> 00:40:19,417 Now, no, 963 00:40:19,500 --> 00:40:20,751 and no one cares 964 00:40:20,835 --> 00:40:22,253 [laughter and applause] 965 00:40:22,336 --> 00:40:23,337 [cheering] 966 00:40:25,464 --> 00:40:28,175 Here's the problem about sports You have to understand, sir. 967 00:40:28,259 --> 00:40:31,637 The whole concept of this team - Your team, my team... 968 00:40:31,720 --> 00:40:33,848 "Hey, that's our team. The Mets, that's our team." 969 00:40:33,931 --> 00:40:36,559 Sangat? Apakah tim kita? Siapakah orang-orang ini? Dari mana asal mereka? 970 00:40:37,309 --> 00:40:40,229 They are not from around here. They are only paid to wear those clothes. 971 00:40:40,312 --> 00:40:43,649 Uniform is the only one that is constant in sports. 972 00:40:43,732 --> 00:40:45,609 People people move around, different teams, 973 00:40:45,693 --> 00:40:47,570 teams move from different cities. 974 00:40:47,653 --> 00:40:49,738 We are really just rooting for our clothes 975 00:40:49,822 --> 00:40:53,075 to beat clothes from other city teams. 976 00:40:53,159 --> 00:40:53,993 [applause] 977 00:40:54,076 --> 00:40:55,786 That's the sport. 978 00:40:55,870 --> 00:40:58,539 We are looking for laundry and no more. 979 00:40:59,331 --> 00:41:01,292 I always feel strange how upset we get 980 00:41:01,375 --> 00:41:04,003 when a man leaves your team and then he plays against your team. 981 00:41:04,086 --> 00:41:07,882 "Different shirt! I hate this person!" 982 00:41:08,424 --> 00:41:11,677 "I can't believe he's wearing that shirt!" 983 00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:12,595 [laughter] 984 00:41:14,930 --> 00:41:17,266 Every person you see every day wears a different shirt. 985 00:41:17,349 --> 00:41:19,768 You're not angry with them for some reason. I don't know 986 00:41:20,769 --> 00:41:23,355 But I'm happy with the clothes that you use tonight 987 00:41:23,439 --> 00:41:25,816 Your clothes come out It's a big night for them too. 988 00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:27,693 Clothes wait all the time. 989 00:41:27,776 --> 00:41:31,030 They are waiting in the shop, cabinets, drawers, drawers. 990 00:41:31,655 --> 00:41:34,825 Everything you don't wear now is home, hoping to be picked tomorrow 991 00:41:34,909 --> 00:41:35,993 [laughter] 992 00:41:36,076 --> 00:41:37,620 Laundry days are a fun day. 993 00:41:37,703 --> 00:41:39,747 Washing machines are nightclubs for clothing. 994 00:41:39,830 --> 00:41:42,458 Dark, bubbles is happening, they all dance. 995 00:41:42,541 --> 00:41:44,460 Looks like they like to dance there, no? 996 00:41:44,543 --> 00:41:46,921 The shirt grabs the underpants, "Come on , baby, let's go. " 997 00:41:47,588 --> 00:41:49,632 You come, You open the lid, everything freezes. 998 00:41:49,715 --> 00:41:50,966 [laughter] 999 00:41:51,050 --> 00:41:53,719 "Can you close the door, please? This is a kind of private club . " 1000 00:41:54,386 --> 00:41:56,805 " There is a dress code, No one is allowed to do anything. " 1001 00:41:56,889 --> 00:41:57,890 [laughter] 1002 00:41:59,308 --> 00:42:02,394 Now, a lot of things develop 1003 00:42:02,478 --> 00:42:04,480 in Jerry's little comedy adventure. 1004 00:42:05,397 --> 00:42:07,608 I arrived at a point where I could buy a maid. 1005 00:42:07,691 --> 00:42:09,902 First time... You remember this first experience. 1006 00:42:09,985 --> 00:42:13,572 I remember the first time I was able A waiter, I felt very guilty all the time. 1007 00:42:13,656 --> 00:42:15,407 I followed him around the apartment. 1008 00:42:15,491 --> 00:42:17,826 "I don't know why I left it there. I'm sorry. I..." 1009 00:42:18,327 --> 00:42:20,955 "Obviously I can pick it up. It should be like that." 1010 00:42:21,038 --> 00:42:22,665 I'm just not, and I don't know why. 1011 00:42:22,748 --> 00:42:25,501 "I have no reason, I'm sorry for that." 1012 00:42:25,584 --> 00:42:26,585 [laughter] 1013 00:42:26,669 --> 00:42:29,797 This is why I can never be a maid, because that's the attitude... 1014 00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:32,841 I'll walk at home. "Oh, I don't think you can do this?" / p> 1015 00:42:32,925 --> 00:42:34,093 [laughter] 1016 00:42:34,176 --> 00:42:37,596 "No, no, no, let me clean your shit... 1017 00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:40,808 While you just sit there like a train rat underground with trust funds. " 1018 00:42:40,891 --> 00:42:41,976 [laughter] 1019 00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:43,978 " You make me sick! " 1020 00:42:47,231 --> 00:42:48,774 Socks hate their lives, we know that. 1021 00:42:48,857 --> 00:42:50,818 p> 1022 00:42:50,901 --> 00:42:52,736 They are on smelly feet, boring drawers. 1023 00:42:52,820 --> 00:42:55,322 They are waiting for laundry. 1024 00:42:55,406 --> 00:42:56,448 [laughter] 1025 00:42:56,532 --> 00:42:58,742 How many times have you washed, 1026 00:42:58,826 --> 00:43:00,703 gone to the dryer, counted your socks, 1027 00:43:00,786 --> 00:43:01,787 one of them came out? 1028 00:43:01,870 --> 00:43:02,871 [laughter] 1029 00:43:02,955 --> 00:43:05,124 Escaped, took off. Never take a partner! 1030 00:43:06,083 --> 00:43:08,877 "Fuck you! Tired of everyone thinking we are the same ! " 1031 00:43:08,961 --> 00:43:09,962 [laughter] 1032 00:43:10,546 --> 00:43:14,008 The drying door is open, socks always wait on the sidewall. 1033 00:43:14,633 --> 00:43:15,634 [laughter] 1034 00:43:18,262 --> 00:43:21,432 You feel around. "I know He is there, that little bastard." 1035 00:43:21,515 --> 00:43:23,309 I know he is trying to leave! " 1036 00:43:24,018 --> 00:43:26,687 Sometimes they reach for sweaters, give them a head start. 1037 00:43:27,438 --> 00:43:28,439 [laughter] 1038 00:43:29,815 --> 00:43:31,275 And they go to the street. 1039 00:43:31,358 --> 00:43:33,027 [hums tune] 1040 00:43:33,110 --> 00:43:33,986 [laughter] 1041 00:43:34,069 --> 00:43:36,196 What can he do? How can he survive out there? 1042 00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:39,325 At a golf club, a puppet show, amputated. What are the options? 1043 00:43:39,408 --> 00:43:40,534 [laughter] 1044 00:43:40,618 --> 00:43:43,495 Sometimes you see dirty socks on the road, only one. 1045 00:43:43,579 --> 00:43:45,748 Just dirty, crooked, exhausted. 1046 00:43:46,665 --> 00:43:49,126 He only works a few blocks. 1047 00:43:49,209 --> 00:43:50,210 [laughter] 1048 00:43:51,295 --> 00:43:53,505 What about the pair left behind? 1049 00:43:53,589 --> 00:43:54,715 What are the options? 1050 00:43:54,798 --> 00:43:57,926 "Oh, now I'll be kicked out because of him? How is that fair? " 1051 00:43:58,010 --> 00:43:59,428 [laughter] 1052 00:43:59,511 --> 00:44:02,723 " The whole drawer knows he will go to pull the action like this one day. " 1053 00:44:02,806 --> 00:44:04,975 That's why he always goes inside and rolls down. 1054 00:44:05,059 --> 00:44:06,727 " He's not one of us who started. " 1055 00:44:06,810 --> 00:44:07,811 [laughter] 1056 00:44:10,898 --> 00:44:13,275 So I said My parents came to see me here. 1057 00:44:13,359 --> 00:44:16,654 They had moved to Florida at that very moment. 1058 00:44:17,154 --> 00:44:20,908 Um... They don't want to move to Florida. They're old and that's the law, so... 1059 00:44:20,991 --> 00:44:21,992 [laughter] 1061 00:44:24,870 --> 00:44:26,705 "Let's go, pop. White pants, belts and shoes. " 1062 00:44:26,789 --> 00:44:28,540 Get into the car. I'm ready for you. 1063 00:44:28,624 --> 00:44:30,459 " You are out of here this section is finished. " 1064 00:44:30,542 --> 00:44:31,794 [laughter and applause] 1065 00:44:33,337 --> 00:44:35,756 Visiting my parents in Florida at this... 1066 00:44:35,839 --> 00:44:41,470 I don't get that minimum security the prison place they like down there. 1067 00:44:41,553 --> 00:44:45,432 The little guard booth in front, That thing comes down in front of your car, 1068 00:44:45,516 --> 00:44:48,560 The 19-year-old boy wearing a fake police uniform comes running out . 1069 00:44:48,644 --> 00:44:51,980 "Where do you think you will go? Your name is not on the list!" 1070 00:44:52,064 --> 00:44:53,482 [laughter] 1071 00:44:53,565 --> 00:44:55,484 "Dude, who stole parents?" 1072 00:44:55,567 --> 00:44:56,985 What is... 1073 00:44:57,069 --> 00:44:58,862 "What is the key here?" 1074 00:44:59,446 --> 00:45:00,697 "I have a grandmother! Let's go." 1075 00:45:00,781 --> 00:45:01,782 [ laughter] 1076 00:45:04,576 --> 00:45:06,078 Go there to visit your parents, 1077 00:45:06,161 --> 00:45:09,415 end up in a hot tub with your father and three or four people are really old. 1078 00:45:09,498 --> 00:45:10,374 [laughter] 1079 00:45:10,457 --> 00:45:12,918 That's the perfect way to meet parents, right? 1080 00:45:13,001 --> 00:45:15,546 Half naked, sitting in a bubbling hot tub? 1081 00:45:16,171 --> 00:45:18,382 They come out, they look like an advertisement for gravity. 1082 00:45:18,465 --> 00:45:19,466 [laughter] 1083 00:45:21,301 --> 00:45:23,137 Why do these parents like heat? 1084 00:45:23,220 --> 00:45:25,931 Steam room, hot tub, sauna, Jacuzzi. 1085 00:45:26,014 --> 00:45:28,100 If they ever decide to land a man in the sun, 1086 00:45:28,183 --> 00:45:30,727 this retired parent will be able to handle it. 1087 00:45:30,811 --> 00:45:33,730 There is no space setting , just a towel, a pair of flip-flops. 1088 00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:37,443 They will sit on a wooden bench, with a rag on their heads, go, 1089 00:45:37,526 --> 00:45:38,694 "Close the door! " 1090 00:45:39,570 --> 00:45:42,573 " Come on, enter or exit. You leave all the heat from the sun. " 1091 00:45:42,656 --> 00:45:43,657 [laughter] 1092 00:45:44,950 --> 00:45:46,869 My mother uh... still drive. 1093 00:45:46,952 --> 00:45:48,579 Cannot see bad things. 1094 00:45:48,662 --> 00:45:49,663 [laughter] 1095 00:45:50,247 --> 00:45:51,832 Don't you have to drive a car? 1096 00:45:51,915 --> 00:45:53,709 Isn't that part of driving ? 1097 00:45:53,792 --> 00:45:57,463 I brought the car the windshield of a cataract lens. 1098 00:45:57,546 --> 00:45:58,881 [laughter] 1099 00:45:58,964 --> 00:46:01,550 This is one leg thick, curved glass... 1100 00:46:02,134 --> 00:46:03,886 windshield recipes 1101 00:46:05,012 --> 00:46:08,390 All heads are in the car looks great now 1102 00:46:08,474 --> 00:46:09,475 [laughter] 1103 00:46:11,727 --> 00:46:14,980 People think it's a full car a sports mascot descends from the street. 1104 00:46:15,063 --> 00:46:16,148 p> 1105 00:46:18,442 --> 00:46:21,945 They don't know what that is. 1106 00:46:22,029 --> 00:46:24,031 My father will wait for me to go home so I can help him move furniture. 1107 00:46:24,114 --> 00:46:26,992 This is his favorite bonding activity. 1108 00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:30,370 This is his favorite bonding activity. 1109 00:46:30,454 --> 00:46:31,497 I haven't seen him for three months. "Give me a hand with this, right?" 1110 00:46:31,580 --> 00:46:36,168 "I've never met you in three months." " Get the other end, let's go. " 1111 00:46:36,251 --> 00:46:37,544 [laughter] 1112 00:46:37,628 --> 00:46:40,214 My father's removal technique was to take something very heavy, 1113 00:46:40,297 --> 00:46:41,298 get in the air, 1114 00:46:41,381 --> 00:46:44,635 He always smokes in his mouth, burned to a quarter of an inch, 1115 00:46:44,718 --> 00:46:46,053 smoke goes right in his eyes. 1116 00:46:46,136 --> 00:46:47,304 [laughter] 1117 00:46:47,387 --> 00:46:49,640 Because of you want your eyes to blink and tear 1118 00:46:49,723 --> 00:46:52,601 when you are going backwards down the stairs, holding the wall unit. 1119 00:46:52,684 --> 00:46:53,977 That's an easy way to do it. 1120 00:46:54,603 --> 00:46:57,439 "Easy," that's his favorite word. Raise it. "Okay, it's easy now. 1121 00:46:57,523 --> 00:46:59,191 Easy, easy, easy." 1122 00:46:59,274 --> 00:47:01,109 This isn't easy, very difficult. 1123 00:47:01,193 --> 00:47:02,069 [laughter] 1124 00:47:02,444 --> 00:47:05,155 Why don't you say that? "Difficult, difficult, difficult. 1125 00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:08,158 Impossible, impossible , it's impossible. Lower, it's impossible. " 1126 00:47:08,242 --> 00:47:09,243 [laughter] 1127 00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:10,744 [movie projector rotates] 1128 00:47:10,827 --> 00:47:13,497 [Jerry] I try to put cigarettes into my comedy as much as I can 1129 00:47:13,580 --> 00:47:14,873 I want to do that movement. 1130 00:47:14,957 --> 00:47:15,958 [laughter] 1131 00:47:17,209 --> 00:47:20,087 When I argue with a smoker, if they have cigarettes and I don't, 1132 00:47:20,170 --> 00:47:21,171 they caught me 1133 00:47:21,255 --> 00:47:22,339 [laughter] 1134 00:47:22,422 --> 00:47:23,632 "You see what I say? 1135 00:47:23,715 --> 00:47:26,718 Because I have a cigarette and you have nothing Who's Here's what I said. " 1136 00:47:26,802 --> 00:47:27,803 [laughter] 1137 00:47:28,887 --> 00:47:31,098 " Your hands are empty. My hands are busy all the time. " 1138 00:47:31,181 --> 00:47:32,182 [laughter] 1139 00:47:33,016 --> 00:47:37,396 "And it's burning, does that bother you? That doesn't bother me. I'm used to it." 1140 00:47:38,272 --> 00:47:40,065 They put it and the argument is over. 1141 00:47:40,148 --> 00:47:42,734 When they take out the cigarette, nothing more can be added 1142 00:47:42,818 --> 00:47:43,777 [laughter] 1143 00:47:43,860 --> 00:47:46,822 I stood there, "I think this. I feel this. My point of view is this." 1144 00:47:46,905 --> 00:47:48,574 They went, "That's your opinion?" 1145 00:47:49,491 --> 00:47:50,492 [exhale] 1146 00:47:50,576 --> 00:47:51,868 [laughter and applause] 1147 00:47:55,706 --> 00:47:56,873 "It's gone, you're wrong." 1148 00:47:56,957 --> 00:47:57,958 [laughter] 1149 00:48:00,544 --> 00:48:02,170 It's all about material, 1150 00:48:02,254 --> 00:48:03,964 bits, stuff 1151 00:48:04,631 --> 00:48:06,008 Rodney Dangerfield said to me, 1152 00:48:06,091 --> 00:48:09,177 "Killers, they are wanted in 50 states . " 1153 00:48:10,137 --> 00:48:13,056 Minutes - comedy thinks in minutes. 1154 00:48:13,140 --> 00:48:16,018 How many minutes do they want? How many minutes do you have? 1155 00:48:16,101 --> 00:48:17,561 How many minutes do you have do you? 1156 00:48:17,644 --> 00:48:21,982 Whenever I write something that works, I save it in this accordion folder. 1157 00:48:22,065 --> 00:48:24,192 Every thing 1158 00:48:24,735 --> 00:48:26,194 And here it is, 1159 00:48:26,278 --> 00:48:29,156 from 1975 until this morning. 1160 00:48:30,866 --> 00:48:34,036 Much work I don't want because I don't like the attitude of the people. 1161 00:48:34,119 --> 00:48:39,041 The notary community seems very happy with its strength and position. 1162 00:48:39,124 --> 00:48:41,001 You go to the bank, "I need this notary." 1163 00:48:41,084 --> 00:48:43,295 "Oh, the notary is not here. You have to wait." 1164 00:48:43,378 --> 00:48:47,049 Only the notary can the notary - 1165 00:48:47,132 --> 00:48:50,385 have the skills, techniques, background 1166 00:48:50,469 --> 00:48:53,764 to take the stamper and go, "Boom, boom." 1167 00:48:53,847 --> 00:48:55,223 [laughter] 1168 00:48:55,307 --> 00:48:58,143 Sometimes I just want to take the Stamper, rip it from his hand. 1169 00:48:58,226 --> 00:49:00,479 "There, I have the power now!" 1170 00:49:01,021 --> 00:49:03,398 "Look, he's just a man! " 1171 00:49:03,482 --> 00:49:04,775 [laughter] 1172 00:49:06,276 --> 00:49:07,694 How do they teach people to do that? 1173 00:49:07,778 --> 00:49:10,113 Notary class where the teacher stands in front ? 1174 00:49:10,197 --> 00:49:12,115 "Okay, everyone, now, ready and..." 1175 00:49:12,199 --> 00:49:14,785 ♪ Press and stamp and hold and go up and back to the pad ♪ 1176 00:49:14,868 --> 00:49:17,746 ♪ And press , up, up, and stamp ♪ 1177 00:49:17,829 --> 00:49:19,748 ♪ Press down, up and back to the pads ♪ 1178 00:49:19,831 --> 00:49:22,876 ♪ Pressing, stamping, holding and going up and back to the pad ♪ 1179 00:49:23,377 --> 00:49:25,629 ♪ Press and stamp and hold and up ♪ 1180 00:49:25,712 --> 00:49:26,838 ♪ And go back to the pad ♪ 1181 00:49:26,922 --> 00:49:28,006 [laughter] 1182 00:49:28,090 --> 00:49:31,551 If that is public school musical notary, 1183 00:49:31,635 --> 00:49:33,178 I imagine it like that. 1184 00:49:33,261 --> 00:49:34,346 Thank you. 1185 00:49:35,972 --> 00:49:37,099 I don't like magicians. 1186 00:49:37,182 --> 00:49:40,977 I have worked with many magicians in Indonesia I spent many years in the nightclub business. 1187 00:49:41,061 --> 00:49:42,229 I don't like their attitude. 1188 00:49:42,312 --> 00:49:44,356 A little full of themselves, a little arrogant 1189 00:49:44,856 --> 00:49:47,984 "I came, I deceived you, you feel stupid, the program is over." 1190 00:49:48,068 --> 00:49:49,069 [laughter] 1191 00:49:49,611 --> 00:49:52,072 Never explain, you never understand. That's how they do it. 1192 00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:54,324 "This is a quarter. Now it's gone. 1193 00:49:54,408 --> 00:49:55,409 You jerk. " 1194 00:49:55,492 --> 00:49:56,410 [laughter] 1195 00:50:01,540 --> 00:50:05,544 The craziest act I have ever seen is this person who can catch a bullet in his teeth. 1196 00:50:05,627 --> 00:50:08,422 That's kind of circus action, really, but it's real 1197 00:50:08,505 --> 00:50:10,424 I think it's real. I don't even know. 1198 00:50:10,507 --> 00:50:11,800 But this person will come out, 1199 00:50:11,883 --> 00:50:14,010 they will fire a gun at him, he will go... 1200 00:50:14,094 --> 00:50:15,554 [laughter] 1201 00:50:16,805 --> 00:50:18,807 How do you know that you are good at this... 1202 00:50:18,890 --> 00:50:20,100 [laughter] 1203 00:50:20,183 --> 00:50:21,476 ... before you do it 1204 00:50:22,436 --> 00:50:25,897 They throw it - throw it at you The first few times, it's very hard. 1205 00:50:26,857 --> 00:50:28,150 [laughter] 1206 00:50:28,233 --> 00:50:32,237 Put it in the gun. "All right, Jim, this one will come a little faster now." 1207 00:50:32,320 --> 00:50:33,321 [laughter] 1208 00:50:33,822 --> 00:50:36,908 "We will take steps < br /> enough here. " 1209 00:50:36,992 --> 00:50:37,993 [laughter] 1210 00:50:38,535 --> 00:50:41,413 This is definitely a house that you don't want to enter if you are a criminal. 1211 00:50:41,496 --> 00:50:43,707 You shot him in the bedroom, he came walking out 1212 00:50:43,790 --> 00:50:46,084 [spits] "I thought you had the wrong house, friend." 1213 00:50:46,168 --> 00:50:47,169 [ laughter] 1214 00:50:48,879 --> 00:50:50,422 "I do this all day, okay?" 1215 00:50:51,256 --> 00:50:52,924 "So turn on the fire." 1216 00:50:55,469 --> 00:50:59,765 For me, the worst part of all Do I see this person, I'm amazed, 1217 00:50:59,848 --> 00:51:00,849 and I don't know... 1218 00:51:00,932 --> 00:51:03,435 I don't know his name. What is the name of the guy? I don't know 1219 00:51:03,977 --> 00:51:07,814 If he knows that, won't he will feel, like, "What should I do... 1220 00:51:09,191 --> 00:51:11,193 to really impress people?" 1221 00:51:11,276 --> 00:51:12,277 [laughter] 1222 00:51:17,449 --> 00:51:18,784 The president is a strange job. 1223 00:51:18,867 --> 00:51:19,868 [laughter] 1224 00:51:20,619 --> 00:51:23,538 What do you think... People say, "I think the President might be crazy." 1225 00:51:23,622 --> 00:51:26,041 "Oh yes? So, what do you expect?" 1226 00:51:26,124 --> 00:51:29,461 Anyone who thinks they have to become president, 1227 00:51:29,544 --> 00:51:31,004 there is your exam there 1228 00:51:31,087 --> 00:51:35,467 If you really think for real, in your head, that you must... 1229 00:51:35,550 --> 00:51:37,427 You are out of your mind! You are crazy! 1230 00:51:37,511 --> 00:51:38,887 [laughter] 1231 00:51:38,970 --> 00:51:41,264 "I have to be president," For me, like, 1232 00:51:41,348 --> 00:51:42,516 "I should be Thor." 1233 00:51:42,599 --> 00:51:43,600 [laughter] 1234 00:51:44,768 --> 00:51:49,064 Visit www.Markasjudi.com The Trusted Secure Online Gambling Agent 1235 00:51:49,147 --> 00:51:50,190 That's what I want. " 1236 00:51:50,690 --> 00:51:52,651 You're crazy, okay?! 1237 00:51:52,734 --> 00:51:54,569 This is a crazy idea! 1238 00:51:55,445 --> 00:51:59,074 " Who should the most powerful people in America , 1239 00:51:59,157 --> 00:52:02,118 Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces and free world leader? " 1240 00:52:02,744 --> 00:52:04,287 " You know, that sounds like me. " 1241 00:52:04,371 --> 00:52:05,580 [laughter] 1242 00:52:06,373 --> 00:52:09,084 " There seems to be something I'll be smart. " 1243 00:52:09,167 --> 00:52:10,001 [laughter] 1244 00:52:10,085 --> 00:52:12,754 " I can't think of anyone who is better than me... 1245 00:52:13,547 --> 00:52:16,758 to be responsible for everything! " 1246 00:52:16,842 --> 00:52:17,843 [laughter] 1247 00:52:18,468 --> 00:52:22,389 " Because I'm crazy, "is the rest of that sentence. " Because I'm crazy. " 1248 00:52:23,056 --> 00:52:24,474 Jadi saya mengerti orang-orang itu. 1249 00:52:24,558 --> 00:52:28,353 I am not angry, or I try not to be angry 1250 00:52:28,436 --> 00:52:30,939 about political people, 1251 00:52:31,022 --> 00:52:32,691 because you have to know, 1252 00:52:32,774 --> 00:52:35,360 or You know, who they are, okay? 1253 00:52:35,443 --> 00:52:36,987 I understand it. 1254 00:52:37,070 --> 00:52:42,701 What I don't understand is how we end up with elephants and donkeys 1255 00:52:42,784 --> 00:52:45,745 as two animal mascots 1256 00:52:45,829 --> 00:52:48,373 only for two large political parties. 1257 00:52:48,456 --> 00:52:51,042 You have the whole animal kingdom here. 1258 00:52:51,126 --> 00:52:54,462 You can choose from a magnificent horse, 1259 00:52:54,546 --> 00:52:55,964 > 1260 00:52:57,424 --> 00:52:59,342 Bengali Tiger. 1261 00:52:59,426 --> 00:53:02,178 Democrats: "What about jackass?" 1262 00:53:03,221 --> 00:53:04,556 How about... Why don't we become jackasses? " 1263 00:53:04,639 --> 00:53:08,685 " I like the idea of jackass. 1264 00:53:08,768 --> 00:53:09,769 Does everyone hear that? Jackass is a very impressive animal. " 1265 00:53:09,853 --> 00:53:13,732 "You don't think people will think so we are jackasses if we choose jackass?" 1266 00:53:13,815 --> 00:53:15,817 "No, these are two things that are completely separate." 1267 00:53:15,901 --> 00:53:16,943 [laughter] 1268 00:53:17,027 --> 00:53:19,279 Republicans go, "If they go to jackasses, 1269 00:53:19,362 --> 00:53:22,365 what about the smell, circus circling animals? How about... " 1270 00:53:23,199 --> 00:53:24,951 An elephant must be impressive 1271 00:53:25,035 --> 00:53:28,955 When you weigh five tons, use the smallest hat you can get. 1272 00:53:29,039 --> 00:53:30,040 [laughter] 1273 00:53:30,707 --> 00:53:33,585 And you know, this is a true fact about elephants in the circus. 1274 00:53:33,668 --> 00:53:36,421 Before they go out to do their shows, they take the handle of a broom, 1275 00:53:36,504 --> 00:53:38,465 they stick it to the elephant's butt 1276 00:53:38,548 --> 00:53:40,800 So the elephant empties, 1277 00:53:40,884 --> 00:53:43,678 because they don't want him to do it during the show 1278 00:53:43,762 --> 00:53:47,140 "And I think it's also a good picture for our party 1279 00:53:47,223 --> 00:53:50,435 That said, & apos; We are willing to do it whatever we have to do. & apos;" 1280 00:53:50,518 --> 00:53:51,519 [laughter] 1281 00:54:05,116 --> 00:54:06,201 "Pony." 1282 00:54:06,284 --> 00:54:09,037 Oh, this is a thing about riding a horse, 1283 00:54:09,120 --> 00:54:12,082 that parents carry children on pony , 1284 00:54:12,165 --> 00:54:14,918 and nothing else that they can use a pony to 1285 00:54:15,001 --> 00:54:17,212 except a vehicle for young children. 1286 00:54:17,295 --> 00:54:19,673 The police don't use it for mass control . 1287 00:54:19,756 --> 00:54:21,341 This bit works pretty well. 1288 00:54:21,424 --> 00:54:24,594 And uh... so I'll have the police go, 1289 00:54:24,678 --> 00:54:26,513 "You want to go back behind barricades. " 1290 00:54:26,596 --> 00:54:29,808 Yes, this is very funny. It must be the end of the 70s. 1291 00:54:31,267 --> 00:54:35,438 Feeling your sense of humor is actually being validated, 1292 00:54:35,522 --> 00:54:40,068 That's the only validation I think I have ever really cared about as a human. 1293 00:54:40,151 --> 00:54:42,404 But I don't really care whether they like me or not 1294 00:54:42,988 --> 00:54:45,490 For me, like, do they like the ingredients? 1295 00:54:45,573 --> 00:54:48,410 Do they like jokes? Do they like what I think? 1296 00:54:48,493 --> 00:54:51,746 It's like, I'm not here, "I need you for... I hope you want me. 1297 00:54:51,830 --> 00:54:54,332 You know, if you like it, alright; Otherwise, no nothing too. 1298 00:54:55,250 --> 00:54:57,252 I've run out of time here. 1299 00:54:57,335 --> 00:54:58,628 That time uh... 1300 00:54:59,295 --> 00:55:01,756 I think one of the things people lie about the most. 1301 00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:03,758 Whatever "20 minutes" is a lie. 1302 00:55:03,842 --> 00:55:04,843 [laughter] 1303 00:55:04,926 --> 00:55:08,680 Whenever someone says, "I will be there in 20 minutes. It takes 20 minutes..." 1304 00:55:09,681 --> 00:55:11,099 "You said 20 minutes."
"First!" 1305 00:55:11,182 --> 00:55:13,059 No one knows what 20 minutes are. 1306 00:55:13,643 --> 00:55:16,855 If you want to lie, just say, "I will be so 20 minutes.
I'll be there in 20 minutes. " 1307 00:55:17,605 --> 00:55:22,193 I saw an ad for a mattress store a few months ago. 1308 00:55:22,277 --> 00:55:24,112 " There were no payments until June, " 1309 00:55:24,195 --> 00:55:28,908 because they know our idiot brain will go, "Oh, June?" 1310 00:55:29,492 --> 00:55:31,828 "Well, that's not my problem, then, isn't it?" 1311 00:55:31,911 --> 00:55:32,954 [laughter] 1312 00:55:33,621 --> 00:55:35,665 "Maybe it won't be June." 1313 00:55:36,958 --> 00:55:38,293 "That's a man's problem in June." 1314 00:55:38,376 --> 00:55:39,210 [laughter] 1315 00:55:39,794 --> 00:55:42,964 [laughter] 1316 00:55:43,048 --> 00:55:44,883 p> 1317 00:55:44,966 --> 00:55:48,845 and you binge-watching all your little Netflix shows, 1318 00:55:48,928 --> 00:55:51,514 and you think I don't know you do it right now. 1319 00:55:51,598 --> 00:55:53,266 Once you're done with me, 1320 00:55:53,349 --> 00:55:56,936 You will return to your little place Show me, maybe find out who the killer is. 1321 00:55:57,771 --> 00:55:59,898 What about tomorrow's work? You have to wake up . 1322 00:55:59,981 --> 00:56:02,692 "Oh, it's a matter of morning people." 1323 00:56:02,776 --> 00:56:04,652 I am at night 1324 00:56:04,736 --> 00:56:06,738 Stone party for night people. 1325 00:56:06,821 --> 00:56:08,448 Run another episode , 1326 00:56:08,531 --> 00:56:10,867 open another Oreo's arm. 1327 00:56:10,950 --> 00:56:13,661 "There are no rules for the night man!" 1328 00:56:13,745 --> 00:56:16,206 Then, the next morning, the alarm goes off, 1329 00:56:16,289 --> 00:56:18,666 You are dumped, crumbs in the bed. 1331 00:56:20,043 --> 00:56:22,295 I hate you, man night! " 1332 00:56:22,378 --> 00:56:23,797 [laughter and applause] 1333 00:56:23,880 --> 00:56:27,467 Because the night guy... Wait more Because night guy... 1334 00:56:27,550 --> 00:56:30,261 The night person always screws the man in the morning. 1335 00:56:30,929 --> 00:56:32,222 No morning person can do it. 1336 00:56:32,305 --> 00:56:34,140 He turns into a coffee-all-day man... 1337 00:56:34,933 --> 00:56:36,935 who then can't sleep at night... 1338 00:56:37,435 --> 00:56:41,397 really-man's trash-not-doing-work, and out-of-a-job guy. 1339 00:56:42,107 --> 00:56:43,441 Does the night person care? No. 1340 00:56:43,525 --> 00:56:47,654 He sleeps on a new mattress, not from payment people until June. 1341 00:56:47,737 --> 00:56:48,988 [laughing and cheering] 1342 00:56:56,496 --> 00:56:59,082 So when you're doing stand-up comedy, 1343 00:56:59,165 --> 00:57:03,378 you really need to be connected with the audience 1344 00:57:03,461 --> 00:57:06,339 No all other forms of art like that. 1345 00:57:06,422 --> 00:57:07,757 Many films that I see, 1346 00:57:07,841 --> 00:57:10,510 It doesn't seem to matter if we can even follow the storyline. 1347 00:57:11,469 --> 00:57:13,263 I type of guy... I have a lot of problems 1348 00:57:13,346 --> 00:57:15,640 with these films like uh... 1349 00:57:15,723 --> 00:57:17,851 Jason Bourne, Mission Impossible. 1350 00:57:17,934 --> 00:57:20,687 I am the man you always see in the parking lot after the movie, 1351 00:57:20,770 --> 00:57:22,397 talk to his friends, leave, 1352 00:57:22,480 --> 00:57:25,775 > 1353 00:57:25,859 --> 00:57:26,985 "Oh, you mean, Is that the same person from the beginning?" 1354 00:57:27,068 --> 00:57:29,028 [laughter] 1355 00:57:29,112 --> 00:57:31,823 "Oh!" 1356 00:57:31,906 --> 00:57:32,991 That's why after he stole his money he has a fake nose, 1357 00:57:33,074 --> 00:57:35,827 beard, and then he doesn't! 1358 00:57:35,910 --> 00:57:37,036 "Oh!" 1359 00:57:37,120 --> 00:57:39,038 "Are you enjoy this film? " 1360 00:57:39,122 --> 00:57:41,416 " Yes, I enjoyed it here in the parking lot, 1361 00:57:41,499 --> 00:57:42,792 but there, I don't know what's going on. " 1362 00:57:42,876 --> 00:57:47,088 [laughter] 1363 00:57:47,172 --> 00:57:49,174 Nobody will explain anything to you in the cinema once you get confused. 1364 00:57:49,883 --> 00:57:51,843 [whispering] "What happened now? " 1365 00:57:52,844 --> 00:57:54,179 " Shhh! " 1366 00:57:54,262 --> 00:57:55,555 [laughter] 1367 00:57:56,139 --> 00:57:57,765 "Why did they kill that person?" 1368 00:57:59,058 --> 00:58:00,518 "I thought he was with them." 1369 00:58:02,061 --> 00:58:03,271 "They have to." p> 1370 00:58:03,354 --> 00:58:04,355 [laughter] 1371 00:58:05,815 --> 00:58:07,609 "I like that person, that's..." 1372 00:58:08,651 --> 00:58:10,945 "That's the only guy I like." 1373 00:58:12,197 --> 00:58:13,781 "Will you watch this film?" 1374 00:58:14,782 --> 00:58:16,576 "I watch the movie." 1375 00:58:17,911 --> 00:58:19,871 "I don't understand anything." 1376 00:58:21,372 --> 00:58:23,625 "You know the same as me! " 1377 00:58:23,708 --> 00:58:25,043 [laughter] 1378 00:58:25,627 --> 00:58:26,920 " I don't know anything! " 1379 00:58:28,171 --> 00:58:30,548 " Is this a space movie? Is this a Western? " 1380 00:58:31,633 --> 00:58:33,426 p> 1381 00:58:35,220 --> 00:58:36,554 "I got lost in this movie." 1382 00:58:36,638 --> 00:58:37,639 "I hate this movie." 1383 00:58:38,640 --> 00:58:39,849 [laughter] 1384 00:58:39,933 --> 00:58:40,934 "And I hate you too. " 1385 00:58:41,476 --> 00:58:44,062 [laughter] 1386 00:58:44,145 --> 00:58:47,065 Why don't they have subtitles? for plots 1387 00:58:48,233 --> 00:58:49,901 Here's the movie I'm going to go to. 1388 00:58:50,401 --> 00:58:51,569 A little thing appears. 1389 00:58:51,653 --> 00:58:54,405 "Don't worry about this person, He is only in this one scene." 1390 00:58:54,489 --> 00:58:55,490 [laughter] 1391 00:58:56,824 --> 00:58:58,785 "This is the name of the movie you don't remember 1392 00:58:58,868 --> 00:59:00,578 that you have seen this person before." 1393 00:59:00,662 --> 00:59:02,664 [laughter and applause] 1394 00:59:09,504 --> 00:59:10,380 However, 1395 00:59:10,463 --> 00:59:13,049 the story I want to convey 1396 00:59:13,132 --> 00:59:17,136 If you want to know how do I do whatever I have do, 1397 00:59:17,220 --> 00:59:19,514 everything starts here on the Comic Strip. 1398 00:59:19,597 --> 00:59:25,228 This is where I created everything the material I did for you tonight. 1399 00:59:25,311 --> 00:59:26,813 [cheering and applause] 1400 00:59:30,817 --> 00:59:33,611 And that is what makes me from, you know, 1401 00:59:33,695 --> 00:59:35,863 open the mic Monday night - evening audition, 1402 00:59:35,947 --> 00:59:38,408 stay at home with my parents, in my bathroom, 1403 00:59:38,491 --> 00:59:40,118 for, five years later, 1404 00:59:40,201 --> 00:59:43,246 is on The Tonight Show on NBC,
sit next to Johnny Carson. 1405 00:59:43,329 --> 00:59:45,081 This is the item that drove me there. 1406 00:59:45,164 --> 00:59:46,207 [cheers and applause] 1407 00:59:47,000 --> 00:59:48,042 Thank you very much. 1408 00:59:48,126 --> 00:59:50,461 You have become a fantastic audience. 1409 00:59:50,545 --> 00:59:51,629 I love you. 1410 00:59:52,880 --> 00:59:56,134 Thank you for telling me to tell my story tonight. Hope you enjoy it 1411 00:59:57,260 --> 00:59:58,261 Good night. 1412 01:00:02,890 --> 01:00:04,100 [cheering] 1413 01:00:05,727 --> 01:00:06,978 [continued applause] 1414 01:00:10,815 --> 01:00:13,192 Submitted by: www.subtitlecinema. com