Visit www.Markasjudi.com Trusted Secure Online Gambling Agent
So, we drive to the show?
Yes.
With wife
And children.
[groans]
Hi, Jack.
Hi, James.
Remind me again why we do this? </ P>
This Irish trip is about family together and discovering our roots. </ P>
Thank you dear. </ P>
Well, I just found out I didn't want to go. </ P>
[cooing]
Walter, you're part of this family Do you like it or not. </ P>
Hey, look what I found seeping under the chair. </ P>
This unopened old letter is for you, Walter,
- come 196-- -Give it to me. </ P>
Oh. Hei, Audrey, apa lagi kursi bayi tambahan ini?
When will Bubba J come out?
[Walter] what is
[chuckles] You will see
[You will see]
-What does that mean? - [Walter] what is this
[Peanut] Another baby?
Talking about Bubba J, Has anyone seen him lately? </ P>
- [Walter's groan] -Oh, he wants to ride on the roof. </ P>
[chuckles]
[playing rock music]
[laughs]
[Bubba J imitates a car engine]
[Bubba J] I make a left turn! What
Now, we're here. </ P>
Now, we have to be in Ireland. This bug feels like beer. </ P>
[chuckles]
[audience cheers]
[Achmed] Greetings, Irish infidels.
Welcome to the stage, the biggest infidel ever,
Mr. Jeff Dunham!
Original in English Thank you for coming here tonight.
I want to start by saying -
People say, "Why in this world? do you go to Dublin, Ireland, </ p >
to do your Netflix special? " I will tell you why
I have a ventriloquist doll in the third part class, start practicing, performing shows,
through elementary, middle school, high school, graduating college.
Is it almost 20 years of comedy clubs throughout the US and Canada,
then turned into a small cinema, then a big cinema, then the giant arena,
and around the world, and here it is. These are all because people like you.
Thank you for making it happen. Here it is.
[audience cheers]
Are you ready for your reason here?
Is it You're ready for the little guy in the box? </ P>
[audience cheers]
All right. </ P>
Thank you. </ P>
The first person I want to introduce I think the audience enjoys,
because everyone knows someone like this, in your own family or where you work. </ P>
Please help me welcome my old friend Walter
[audience cheers]
Oh shut up. </ P>
[moans] </ p >
-How are you tonight, Walter? - Who cares?
Lightening up a little, we're in Dublin.
Oh, yay, Dublin, yay.
[audience laughs]
You know, I've heard Irish pay pay more attention to our American politics
than most Americans.
Yes, it seems like that.
Yes. But you watch only for comedy. </ P>
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers]
So, in the US presidential election, You know everything
Do you know who the real loser is?
-Who is it? -Bill.
[chuckles]
Why is that?
Because now, Hillary is home every night.
[audience laughs]
[laughs ]
And with Trump in the office in the US, Jeff, now, get ready.
-For what? -Soon JosÃ © JalapeÃ ± o,
Your Mexicans will leave the show.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers]
José is poor. You must be satisfied for American pickles on a pole.
[audience laughs]
Wrapped in bacon and fried.
Hey, have you noticed in the trunk there, I'm building a small wall?
Do you see that?
[audience laughs]
Yes, keep that little bastard by his side
And I'll get Jeff < br /> to pay for the wall
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers]
You know, Walter, JosÃ © legal in the US < /p>
Oh.
Then I think I'll build a small gate.
Yeah, your little one might dig under it
Use the stick
Tunggu. Dia bisa pogo kanan atas hal.
Do, Do, Do, Ole!
And you know what else? Racial matters are worse than before.
I don't know if it's here , but it's there
-But. -Yes.
Can you use your African-American? character, Sweet Daddy Dee, again? </ P>
Wait, I'm sorry We are in Ireland, huh. This is definitely not African-Americans here. </ P>
They don't say people Africa-Ireland, right? </ P>
[audience laughs]
They only say black. </ P>
Oh. Oh, that is much easier.
I don't want to offend anyone anywhere, but can I say black?
-Both-- -I am not European-North American. </ p >
I don't care I'm weird.
Or off-white, or pink, I don't know.
What I know is black, brown, red, yellow, white
I don't care Just cut my grass.
What?
[audience laughs, then cheers]
[Jeff] Walter
[Walter] what?!
I said "white" last .
Get the white man to cut my grass, I don't care
White trash cleaner from the trailer park
[ audience laughing]
And don't call me racist.
-That's right, why not? -Because calling someone racist is racist.
I actually is me-don't-give-a-craprican.
A little less angry than I-don't-give-a-shitricans.
Now, whatever you do, stay away from me-don't-give-a-fuckricans.
[audience laughs]
They have a meeting.
Return to what I asked before, Can't you use Sweet Daddy Dee again?
Yes. I've used him in some of our videos
Okay, but not on the tour bus right now.
- Not now. -Good. </ P>
Now, when you bring it back,
make sure you don't enter it behind the bus
[ audience laugh]
Yes.
Black puppets are important.
[audience laughs]
On different subjects, you say one of your daughters will get married?
-Bree, my oldest Married a little longer. -Oh good. That's great.
[audience laughs]
You were adopted right?
-In fact, I was adopted. -Good. yes.
Are you sure
Yes I'm sure.
Or that's all your parents say make themselves feel better? </ P>
[audience laughs]
-No, I was adopted. -All right.
Are your biological parents going to walk your daughter down the hall?
Why are they
Alright, they are good at giving children. </ p >
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
That's a good joke.
No, Walter, I'll release it.
Yes see? This is genetic.
[cackles]
The tradition is for the bride's father to release it
Yes , you will go, "Here it is, buddy, good luck."
Not even close.
But come on, seriously.
When the bride of the parents divorces like you,
It must be hard for dad to keep a straight face </ p >
-when talking to his future son-in-law. -What about that?
You will say, "You know, kid,
he is dealing with a whore it's in the corner. "
[audience laughs]
No, no, it's okay.
If you say it, this is a claim law. If I say it, it's comedy.
[audience laughs]
-What are you thinking about? -I really can't comment
Oh, you're still paying, aren't you?
[audience laughs]
Keep telling jokes, puppet boys.
So , will your daughter and her new husband soon have children?
I have no idea.
-Oh, please encourage them to do that -Why?
So, I can make fun of you to have your own children and grandchildren
that is the same age.
[audience laughs]
How chaotic is that?
"This him, kid. Go change your uncle's diaper. "
-But seriously, more children your age? -Why not?
Because when your men It's old enough to play the ball,
the real one will be hung to your ankle
[audience laughs]
"Dad , want to play bowling? "
[imitate the impact, then groan]
" I already did it. "
-So, you really adopted? < br /> - Yes, right.
Have you ever tried to find another?
- My biological parents? -What are they calling?
-First parents? -Khas.
Yes, those who have you, take one look, and then throw your ass.
-I don't think that's the way it is. -So, that's how it is.
They hand you over to the nurse and go, "Run!"
[audience laughs]
I don't think so.
Or maybe they are scared > when you cry
and it sounds like it's from that child lie next to you
[audience laughs]
I don't think we will ever know.
So, you never met your biological parents?
-No. -Right.
April.
1961?
- & apos; 62. -What?
April 1962.
-In Dallas? -Right?
No, I mean being in Dallas.
[audience laughs]
-Good. -For several days.
-Uh huh. -In & apos; 61.
You and your wife
No.
[audience laughs]
Only me.
Um...
But you and your wife dated at that time.
No.
[audience laughs]
I have never met him.
Eh, are you dating anyone in July & apos; 61?
-No. -Oh is good. [chuckles]
Yes, yes.
I'm not sure You call it "dating." </ P>
[audience laughs]
-What? -Just watch a video. </ P>
[playing funk music]
p>
And love is free.
Unless you pay for it.
I am very popular with women.
Hello dear.
Want to go down and feel funk?
[cough]
- [Jeff] Walter - [Walter] Calm down.
That's not what you think about it.
-We are jumping rope. -What?
Well, that's enough to jump around for tonight. Whatever -Your name.
This stone has to roll.
I will never forget you
[audience claps]
Father ?
Bastards?
[audience laughs]
-And who is that woman? -I forget.
- You forgot? -Yes. </ P>
Then what made you realize this now? </ P>
Surat tua itu yang ditemukan Kacang di bagian belakang mobil,
is there a photo with it
-Who is it? -Well, looks like you
-What? -You want to see it?
Alright.
[audience laughs]
So, you say that you think you can be me -
-Well , that's terrible -What do you think I feel?
I can have an adult child who is still playing with a fucking doll.
[audience laughs]
>
-You are younger than you, aren't you? -Audrey is younger.
-How much younger? That -No problem.
How young?
Eighteen years.
[whooping audience]
I actually like you more now, Jeff.
[audience laughs, then claps]
I want to tell him, "Anywhere in my life?"
Yes, and he will say:
"Now, for the first round, I haven't even been born yet. "</ P>
[audience laughs]
Eighteen years. When he was 21 years old, he was 3 years old. </ P>
You have to be a registered sex offender. </ P>
What is your pickup line when you meet? "Hey, boy, want candy?" </ P>
[audience laughs]
Seriously, what are you doing on your first date?
What, you invited her to shop for school supplies?
You helped her work PR? </ P>
-We have chemistry. -Class together. </ P>
[audience laughs]
Poor Audrey. </ P>
Mengapa "Audrey yang malang"?
You know, whenever people see a young woman with an older man,
they automatically think he married her for his money.
- That's not what happened to us. -No? </ P>
No. Actually, when Audrey and I met, he had never heard of me
He didn't know who I was. </ P>
Of course not. His parents didn't want Let him watch the comedy channel.
[audience laughs]
He knows Sesame Street more.
What, you sweep him from his feet /> by doing Cookie Monster impressions?
[as Monster Cookie] "Oh, I love Audrey.
[the audience laughs, then claps]
Apakah Anda ingin ciuman atau kue? "
[as Count] "You are one, two, three times older than your wife."
[in normal voice] "Rubber duck, you that one."
[as Audrey] "Oh, Jeff, talk."
[audience laughs]
[in normal voice] I really want to be there
The first time his father met you.
He must sound like Scooby-Doo.
[as Scooby-Doo] Huh?
[in normal voice] His mother must sound like Shaggy.
[as Shaggy] Zoinks.
[in normal voice] Then you get married and have kids soon?
-We waited a few years. -Oh yes.
Sometimes, you have to let it build, no? </ p >
[audience laughs]
[sighs]
I like being an older father.
Why? Because all of you can wear diapers together?
[audience laughs] </ p >
"All right, who is spending their diapers?
Daddy."
I've heard parents try to be bound by their children, but you too far to take it.
There are many things about being older parents
Oh yeah. At the cinema, you get children and discounts senior citizens.
Uh, type hit and miss.
Sure. Sometimes good, sometimes bad.
No, hit and miss. < br /> Sometimes I get shot, and sometimes they don't get answered.
[audience laughs]
-This is different at that time. -Yakin.
p>
-What about your father? -Oh, he hit it too.
[audience laughs]
By the way, did I hear you? call yourself middle-aged?
-Better. -And you are 55.
-But. -Yes, be optimistic there,
no, chachi?
Middle, middle, middle, half way.
You won't make it to 110.
[audience laughs]
p>
And if you do, your children will be like, "Daddy, it's time to die.
We are in our 70s now, we have own problem.
Just damn it. "
Honey, you can drive my car,
and the wheels on the bus spin around
So, have you ever slept with children?
I did it, and it's very sweet.
Yes. It's not what you imagine when you fantasized
about sleeping with the twins, not ?
[audience laughs]
"Who is your father?"
-So good night, Walter. -Thank you, Dublin.
p>
That's Walter.
[audience cheers]
[laughs]
Thank you.
So, there's a reason else that we are here in Dublin doing this show.
I was adopted, as Walter talked about.
where you came from, and I know that I am a very large percentage
of Irish descent
[audience cheers]
And my actions always reflect what happened in my real life
I have three older daughters, and now both my toddlers,
and we have a mixed family, and there are lots of things to joke about.
Many people can relate to it.
That's what this special is, It's all about family
But we came to Ireland, because you are great audiences,
but also because I followed the roots.
Also, Audrey and I have done it due diligence about this
We are happy with that,
But we know there are many babies here in Ireland who need a home.
So when we're here, we will adopt an Irish baby
[audience cheers]
[audience laughs]
And the name is Seamus.
Hi, Seamus.
Seamus little baby , very cute.
Goo, goo, goo, goo.
Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie-coo.
Touch me like that again and I'll bite your damn arm.
[the audience laughs, then cheers]
-I'm sorry. I thought you were a baby. -I.
p>
-You sound a little older than that. -That a few liters a day
will do for you
-Pint, you mean beer? -In fact. </ P>
[audience laughs]
I also drink whiskey.
-No, baby bottle. -I don't care what it is.
If it's 90 proof or better, I'll take it from a tin can. </ P>
[audience laughs]
-Don't you be breastfed? -not all of us?
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers]
But, Seamus, why did you start? drink alcohol so fast
Alright...
Uh, I saw the size of my John Thomas.
[audience laughs]
-What are you? -Living me
-Oh, well, that will change. -I hope so.
What if a woman sees you When your pants come down and say,
"Well, that's funny."
[audience laughs]
You will be hammered all the time too.
-You will be fine. -If not, later on,
I have to drive A very good sports car.
[audience laughs]
Wait a minute. I have a good sports car.
Oh, I'm sorry.
[audience laughs] </ p >
Well, at least you have a big head. [laughs]
Do you know who is the first person to comment on that?
-Who? -My ma.
-What did he say? -Oh, something along the line:
[shouts]
I think C-section might be a little easier. </ P>
-Very? - Well, that's the difference
between you opening the top convertible and get out of a car like that
versus have your ass push the keyhole
[audience laugh]
Alright, I hope you are happy with Audrey and I adopt you.
Sure. And if it doesn't work,
I'll only live with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. </ P>
[audience laughs]
They need children from Ireland to complete the collection
I think you don't know, Seamus, but they are divorced
Oh, okay, too bad.
Maybe I'm too white for them.
[audience laugh and moan]
Oh, fuck you, that's a good joke.
[audience laughs, then cheers]
What do you want to play? Is that the baby toy I heard? </ P>
Actually, I think it belongs to Walter artificial hips
[audience laughs]
Look, Seamus, have you enjoyed everything with us so far?
Oh, I like all your friends in the suitcase.
-I have asked people to leave you alone. -Why?
I don't think they will Very good influence on babies.
Everything is good. If not , I'll kill you
[laughs]
-That's what I mean. -If you think it's dark,
You have to see what it is Bubba J & apos; s It's done with a breast pump. </ P>
[audience laughs]
I never drink from it again. </ P>
-With way, who taught you to curse? -Next.
Babies should not curse.
I know. That person is a jerk.
[audience laughs]
-Say, is Achmed around? -He is. Why?
I want to show him how I can leave a bomb in my diaper </ p >
I can clean this room right now.
Are you looking forward to live in the United States?
I don't think I will care
> for your pub
Our pub Why is that?
They close.
[audience laughs]
Who does that?
Look, is there something you want to do,
or see immediately when did you get to the US?
I want to see Mount Rushmore
You know about that That is the giant mountain carving
with our four most famous presidents.
[audience laughs]
Is this Bill Clinton's question?
[audience laughs]
[audience claps]
So, at this age, you already know about politics? </ P>
-Sure. -What do you know about Donald Trump? </ P>
I think he can just my mother's doctor
-Why is that so? -What do you think I was born?
He gripped it with pu -
[shouts]
But from what I can see, I like it better than its opponent.
Hillary Clinton? -That's that guy.
[audience laughs]
-No, she's a woman. -Very?
-Mm-hm. -Maybe I got a little drunk too much.
And I like all your news channels.
What's wrong with changing on it?
-Fox News. -Yes.
The one with all young women and their big -
Ah ah.
- personality.
[audience laughs]
Hangout comes out. [laughs]
I watch ten minutes, and I'm starving
[audience laughs]
-It reminds me. I have a joke for you -All right.
Do you know why chicken breast don't have nipples?
-Why? -Because if you freeze it,
they will poke holes in the package.
[audience laughs]
[Seamus laughs]
Say, you never told me what happened to my real mother
Oh, I think you know. He gave you adoption. </ P>
Oh, dia melakukannya sekarang? Dan mengapa begitu?
I was told that the main reason was because he was an alcoholic.
That was the best part.
-What? -The milk tastes like Baileys Irish Cream. </ P>
[audience laughs]
- And you know why they brought me from him? -Not exactly. </ P>
He tried to makes me the designated driver
[audience laughs]
And by the way, why do you keep pulling your diaper from last night at the hotel? </ p >
Uh... Sometimes, Boys need a little air.
[audience laughs]
We are in the lobby.
Boys go out at night.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers]
-Say, I have one more for you -What? </ P>
Apakah Anda tahu apa yang bayi panggilan seorang wanita topless?
-What? -Free bar.
[laughs]
-Walter told me that -Oh, him?
[Walter laughs]
[audience laughs]
Uh, you know we have twin boys at home
-which will become your new brother. -Oh, sounds beautiful.
I hate drinking alone.
They don't drink alcohol.
Baby steps </ p >
Are you sure they are twins?
-Of course. -Maybe you only see twice as much.
That happened to me a lot. Another day, I thought I'd hit my mother's bed. </ P>
-How's that? -Three nipples. </ P>
[audience laughs]
>
-And you say your son is twin? -They are.
[laughs]
What is their name
-Pump up. -Oh, like Jack Daniels?
Sure. Dan James. </ P>
Like Jameson Whiskey? </ P>
I love this damn family. </ P>
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers]
So, Seamus, can you walk first?
No, not yet, but I can do the pub crawling.
-I don't think you should be in the pub . -Why not?
I could barely hold my head, I kept falling, and I couldn't walk.
I entered right </ p >
How can someone your age be in a pub?
Oh, all the drunks just think I'm a leprechaun
[audience laughs]
Aku dilempar keluar dari pub semalam.
-What are you doing? -I tried to show off my lucky charm.
To make it worse, I shouted that they were very delicious.
And it's Seamus, our new Irish baby. </ P>
[audience cheering]
They like it? </ P>
So, the next guy is from somewhere south in the US
Please, help me welcome Bubba J.
[audience cheers]
[laughs]
-How are you , Bubba J? -I'm fine. </ P>
[audience cheers]
-What are you thinking so far? -Well, I've listen,
and I think this is one of the best audience
we have ever had
[audience cheering]
-Yah, bagus sekali katakan, Bubba J. -Yah, ya, aku mabuk.
-So, I really don't know. -Good.
-You are drunk? -Yes.
[laughs]
He speaks funny, But he can drink it under the table.
[laughs]
[shouting]
Hell is
p>
Oh, here I am.
This is a picture of your baby.
I think those photos should be funny
I look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
[audience laughs]
Hey, that reminds me I on the tour bus a little earlier today.
-Yes. -I was talking to someone else.
They were talking about someone around here they saw who was in their 50s. </ p >
-Yes? -He and his wife just gave birth to twins. Ha ha.
Hey, I want to know who drooled again, he or the children
[lament]
Yes, you can give him a baby shower, < br /> But at his age, it will be a sponge bath.
[laughs]
And when he invites his children to college, people will like: </ p >
"Hey, this is the weekend of the parents. Why did you bring your grandfather?"
[Bubba J and the audience laughed]
-What? -Bubba J, you're talking about me. </ P>
You brought your grandfather to the parents weekend? </ P>
No, I'm a 55-year-old man who has twins.
[Bubba J squeals]
Does your wife know?
[audience laughs]
She has twins. I is father
-Oh, good for you -Thank you.
Yes, I forgot I went and visited your son the other day.
-How did that happen? -Well, like I said,
I forgot. I'm drunk Surprising.
But I remember they were handsome boys.
-Thank you . - And your wife is also beautiful.
Alright thank you. And I'm sure your wife is beautiful too
[chuckles] no </ p >
[audience laughs]
-No? -Bah, maybe after six packs.
[laughs]
How about after five beer?
Too fast, too fast.
But your wife really has twins?
-He did it. -One of them yours?
-They are both. -Oh, you're a dog
You know, come to think of it, I have twins by myself.
You also have twins?
-Oh huh. -I don't know that
-Yes. -How much, are you easy to tell the difference? </ P>
Not really, but I'm getting better at it. </ P >
I know Tommy is 9, and Mary 3.
[audience laughs]
And he is black.
Your daughter is black
Yes, it's hard to explain to my wife
[audience laughs]
[audience claps]
Wait what?
p>
Well, I have to swear up and down that I don't sleep with black women.
Bubba J, your wife gave birth to children
I know, and he will be upset when he comes out
[audience laughs]
Hey, are your twins stuck?
[laughs]
No, they don't come together.
[laughs]
What?
They don't come together. -Join?
I like that. "Here it is the child Dunham men. Combined, one, one. "
-But they don't? -No.
That's too bad, because you can get it All of them are two-for-one special.
When you go out in public, you don't have to say, "Stay together."
Because they have joined, fused, fused.
No, they are not the Siamese twins.
No, they are American twins.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers]
So, for twins, are you, "chica, womp, womp," on twin beds?
No, Bubba J. That's not how it works.
The type of bed you have doesn't affect children.
I don't know My brother is queen.
[audience laughs]
>
- And my sister is about the size of a king. -Oh.
[as Fat Albert] Hey, hey, hey.
- [in a normal voice] Why Do you have two? -Good -
If you drop it?
-No. -My mama swears
I'm not the twins dropped.
Oh, so, you are also twins?
[chuckles] no
You said you were not the twins he dropped.
Right, because I'm not a twin.
-So, he really dropped you? -Well, that's how it is.
You're not really smart, right, Jeff?
-Is the identical twin? < br /> - No, they are brotherhood.
Oh, they are being loved.
[audience laughs]
I want to have more children than myself, But my doctor said
I am corigglers too drunk to swim.
Yes, they are like drunk drivers who turn from the road and hit bushes.
p>
[audience laughs]
So, Bubba J, are you dating a lot of women before you get married?
Only my wife
Oh, good for you You marry your childhood lover. </ P>
Oh no, I don't marry my dog. </ P>
I mean the first girl you fell in love with.
Oh, you know, her stomach is pinched.
Oh, she's a big girl?
No, he is centerfold in the magazine. </ P>
[audience laughs]
Say, does your wife boob-feed your children? </ P>
[laughs ] Breastfeeding
[giggling]
You said breasts
-Yes, he did it -In public? </ P>
-Not much. -Mine do. </ P>
-Yes. -I tried not to see. </ P>
-Right. -You don't should see.
-Right. -You are misguided if you see.
-Right. -that's where I wander
very useful
[audience laughs]
I look here, But I also look here.
What Look at that! [laughs]
So, you have two toddlers at home and also two children in college.
-But. -Think about this.
Which one is vomiting?
[Bubba J and the audience laugh]
[Jeff] Hmm. </ P>
So, these are five children from two marriages. -But. I have a mixed family. </ P>
It's not mixed. </ P>
I have a cousin who has a child That's half a human and half a donkey.
[laughs]
It's mixed there.
A Christmas Card they look like something completely wrong in the manger.
-Palungan? -Well, I think it's a manger,
Because every time someone looks In the picture, they go, "Jesus Christ!" </ P>
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
Anything else happens?
Well, I'm no longer looking for work.
-Oh good. So, you found a job? -No, I'm no longer looking for work. </ P>
Are there jobs that interest you? </ P>
-Baik-- -What do you like to do?
-I like doing this -You like talking to other people?
-Uhuh huh. -How, do you face social problem?
Well, one day, I was caught something from a girl,
and it was itchy, so I had to get an injection.
What? </ P>
Not a social disease, a social issue. </ P>
Oh, I think that is the same thing. </ P>
[audience laughs]
It's itchy, and it's a problem.
[audience laughs]
Especially socially.
No, problems in society.
Oh, yes, he has already spread it around the damn community.
Actually, I feel like scratching now. </ P>
But my arm isn't long enough. </ P>
[audience laughs]
Listen, Bubba J, have you ever got a job?
You mean, from the girl?
[laughs]
[audience cheers]
No, paid work.
Well, I offered him ten dollars.
Listen, Bubba J, you like talking to other people, and you care about them.
-Yes. - You pay attention to the community. </ P>
-Sure. - Well, you can be in politics. </ P>
-I can? -True. </ P >
-I really want to get things done. -Very?
No, I'm just making love to you I don't care
Listen, aren't you worried about Big Brother?
Well, yes, that guy also my uncle.
-Wait, your sister doesn't -Don & apos; t even try.
It's like arithmetic, it will wake you up.
Look, Bubba J, in politics, you have to give a speech. </ P>
-Could you do that? -Oh yeah. I memorized one. </ P >
Ahem. I didn't have sex with that woman.
[audience laughed, then cheered]
Bubba J, that reference was almost 20 years
-Very? -Yes. </ P>
Oh well. </ P>
I didn't have sex with that little girl. </ P>
Oh damn it. Too far?
-Too far. -Good.
Do you have experience with debate?
Oh, of course. I use de-bait to catch fish.
[laughs]
And then I can draw some link-chain between the US and Mexico
and hired a defense secretary.
[laughs]
I killed Here are some nonsense, here.
Listen, Bubba J, if you are in the office, will you reduce the unemployment rate?
Alright, after another.
- Because I got the job - I know. </ P>
-What about other people? -I will make another speech. </ P>
Ahem. Get a job, you lazy bastard !
Listen, Bubba J, with your charm, I think you can reach young people.
Well, my uncle tried it. He entered the list.
[audience laughs]
I say, You have to go out and press the meat.
-No, that's what he did. -No no...
You don't know what is the meaning of "pressing meat"?
Well, one day, I sit on my own bean. That's it?
I don't know how I did it.
It must be hot.
It's never the same, you know.
That's when my eyes were bent.
[audience laughs]
I'm drunk when that happens.
I'm pretty sure that's where the expression "peanut beer" comes from.
-So good night, Bubba J. -Thank you, Dublin!
[audience cheers]
-Good work. - Thank you. </ P>
Okay thank you. </ P>
Women and men, I have said it before,
and I will say it again with pride.
Please help me welcome the world's favorite terrorist,
Achmed the Dead Terrorist.
[audience cheers]
Greetings, Irish infidels!
Nice to meet you, Achmed.
Oh, nice to meet you too, Gentiles number one
Thank you. You're in a good mood. Why?
-I can't believe I'm here -Why ?
Because I'm being held at your airport for days
[audience laughs]
Why are you arrested?
-Sue? -Good -
I was arrested, because everyone here I thought I looked like a terrorist. </ P>
-But you are a terrorist . -That is a racial profile.
-But in this case, everyone is right. -You violate my rights
-What is the right? You're a terrorist -This is in your constitution .
-We are not in the United States. - Damn the same
-What--? -Both press the button.
-Where is there. -Freedom to collect dirt and blow it up. </ P>
[audience laughs]
-Salah-- -Stopped laughing! </ P>
What happened at the airport?
I queued, and the Immigration officer left, "We are checking you out."
I have never heard that word, "squeeze "
I thought he would kick dirt on my dog
-Wait, you have a dog? -Yes.
-What type? -Pick-in-the-ass type. </ P>
-Siapa namanya? -Little Bastard.
-Why are you naming it? -I think it's funny to say:
"Come here, Little Bastard."
-Is he a good dog? -No .
-Why? -He always tries to play to pick me up. </ P>
-That's good. -No, not with me With me. </ P>
It's not funny. </ P>
[audience laughs]
If I shout, "Take it, kid," He grabs my leg and run like hell.
Stop laughing!
You think the sand is on me Is it from the desert?
No, Little Bastard buries my ass on the damn beach
[audience laughs]
It's not funny.
[audience claps]
-So , what happened at the airport? The Immigration person shouted at me.
He said, "Why are you in this country?"
-What are you saying? -That's afraid of nonsense from me
I panicked and only realized it.
"I'm here to blow up the dirt."
-That's when he arrested you? -And he did a search for cavities.
That's not funny . Look at me.
Find a place in me where there is a cavity that I can hide stuff. There's no place
I don't even have cavity in my teeth.
-Very? -No, I clean every meal. Yes.
-How, how about that? -Not touching my turban. </ P>
-What is down there? -Where? </ P>
[audience laughs]
What is they laugh?
-Well, I said, "down there." -Well?
And you say, "underwear."
[audience laughs]
What do they laugh at?
You say you have underwear in your head You. </ P>
That's not even a sentence. </ P>
-Clothing in. -Where? </ P>
No, underpants
What ? I don't wear underwear.
Don't look
[laughs]
I'm free without a ball.
[ Walter laughs]
[audience laughs]
So how are you from Immigration? </ P>
Easy. I put my foot in my mouth Little Bastard
and shouted, "Take it!" </ P>
He dragged me all the way here. This is me, yay. </ P>
But now I headache.
-Do you get sick? - headache
-You can get sick. -That's just a headache.
-That's really possible-- -Read my lips.
I mean...
Dirt. Read my teeth. Read my bad teeth. </ P>
-That's just a headache. -Do you have enough water? </ P>
What? </ P>
Some people aren't aware < br /> how important water is.
This is very important. And sometimes If you don't drink it, you are dehydrated,
You don't know it, you are sick head. This is great for your skin.
[audience laughs]
Shut up!
I kill you!
[audience cheers]
Oh thank you.
Thank you.
Shut up, I killed you Shut up, I killed you
Shut up, I killed you
Tercengang, kenapa kamu selalu bilang begitu?
-What, "shut up, I killed you"? -Yes.
Because "hush, hush, or I give you noogie" won't cut it. </ p >
[audience laughs]
How are you doing?
Well, I'm angry, because Facebook won't let me on Facebook.
-Because you're a terrorist. -No. Because I don't have a face. </ P>
[audience laughs]
-Maybe I need more water. < br /> - Maybe.
-What else bother you? -I don't know.
72 of my virgins drive me crazy.
- Why? -Why? </ P>
Do you know what happens when 72 women all live in the same place together? </ P>
We are suicide bombers actually kill ourselves
just to get away from angry virgins.
So, it's been a long time that you already have it.
Are you still a virgin?
[groans]
I'm working on it.
I'm tired.
I just want to play golf.
-Oh, you play golf? -I hope. I don't have equipment.
[audience laughs]
-No club? -No putter
No ball
There isn't even a bag. </ P>
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers]
-What are they laughing at? -Forget. </ P> p>
And all those women, I don't get younger.
I'm like a tired diaper.
-What? - "Come on , take it while it's hot. "
Do you at least enjoy with 72 virgins?
Yes, but I never remember all their names
Otherwise, how do you exclaim for one of them individually?
Hey, you, in the burka.
[audience laughs]
Then they all turn around at the same time.
It's like a prairie dog with a hat.
If I have a hammer, I can play a game the biggest whack-a-mole in the world.
[audience laughs]
Whack-a-virgin.
Hey, isn't that Madonna's song?
>
I understand your first wife with you at first.
And in the end. [imitating an explosion]
-So, what first made you interested in him? -Then his beard.
He has lots of facial hair?
-I see. -No, no, you don't want to see
-What about that? - My first wife is not a beautiful woman.
-No? -No. In the mall,
Santa Claus looks at him and goes, "Ho-ho-holy shit." </ P>
[audience laughs]
-But your first wife-- -I don't care about her appearance,
because on our first date, I was far enough with him.
-You mean you, like, kiss him? -Oh, more than that.
-Very? -Yes. I have to look at his ankles. </ P>
[audience laughs]
His ankle? -Oh yeah. Just thinking about it...
p>
[groaning]
... gives me nothing.
-Maybe I need more water. -Perhaps.
You know, I think comedy and suicide bombings have a lot in common.
-What about that? -Timing. </ P>
[audience laughs]
Think about it. I killed you. [imitating an explosion] Perfect. </ P>
I'm ki - [imitating an explosion] He is messed up. </ P>
So, is your wife one of 72 virgins? </ P>
No no No. > He was long before them. Then he divorced me. </ P>
-I'm sorry. -No problem. I got a goat
-How things that happened lately? -Oh, it's not [bleating] bad.
[audience laughs]
Oh, that got laughter.
>
-Very? -Oh yeah. He's also a suicide bomber.
-You have a lot in common. -Yeah, he's dead.
And when I say I want to jump the bone, that's all he gets.
Yes, we have sex sounds like horses on rocks
[the audience clapped]
When I gave him a back rub, Sounds like a xylophone.
[imitating the xylophone]
So , if you get 72 virgins, What can a female suicide bomber do?
Pot pan.
-Non-stick -It's great.
But she's a very attractive woman.
She claims that she has edible underwear.
Oh, you've heard of this.
Yes, but what is the taste of underwear that can be eaten will a female terrorist?
Cherry bomb
[audience laughs]
-You understand? It's like two jokes. -Yes. </ P>
Hey, talk about that, how are the twins? </ P>
[audience laughs]
p>
-Oh, damn it. They light me up. -Yeah, they do it.
Boys are fine, thank you.
But your wife is pregnant, It must be surprising.
-Surprising? -Yes.
You know, like looking for a land mine > still works even though it's very old.
Chica, chica, womp, womp. [imitates explosions]
Two new little Dunham terrorists.
-They aren't terrorists. -Wait. </ P>
Hey, when you hold one of your little ones,
you never know, anytime he might leave Explosion. Bomb rotten
-What are their names? -Jack and James.
[laughs]
You're so damn white Oh my God.
[audience laughs]
Jack and James?
[audience claps]
Sounds like nursery rhymes
> for two gay children
[singing] Jack and James come out the door To pick up a bucket of lattes
What is the name of your children?
Achmed Junior, Dear Junior Junior,
Achmed Junior, JR and Steve. </ P>
-Steve? -One of the white virgins. </ P>
One of my boys is getting ready to get past puberty
They never listen.
-You have to repeat things over and over again. -What kind of thing?
The same thing my father usually tell me all the time.
-What is that? - "Stop pulling your dynamite
This will explode.
And then you will be blind . "
[audience laughs]
[audience claps]
Stunned, when my daughter was young,
one their favorite game "doused your nose."
You've played...
[audience laughs]
I'm serious about killing you after this performance
So, Achmed, what are your parents like?
Well, after my father went to work, I didn't see much of him. </ p >
[audience laughs]
Where did he go?
There, there, up there, up there, There, there.
That...
[audience claps]
That's bad.
Yes. So now, whenever there is a sandstorm,
I'm like, "Daddy."
[audience laughs]
Stunned, there's been a sense of curiosity about you in the last ten years. </ p >
I often ask questions about you. Will you tell the story of your life?
-Like in the book? -Yes.
Oh, it will be great. Once upon a time...
[imitate the explosion] End.
If you can go back to the past,
Will you do anything differently or change?
I will cut the other wire.
[audience laughs]
That's not funny!
Well, is there a good death for you?
Well, it's near the hospital, So technically, I'm an organ donor.
[audience laughs]
Yes, for hospital staff, It's like hunting dirty Easter eggs.
But now without skin, /> I can't get the tattoo that I always want. </ P>
-What is the tattoo? -The skull and crossbones. </ P>
[audience laughs]
Not funny!
Or maybe a face!
-Covered with water! -Maybe.
Damn. Remind me not to blow myself again.
Well, things can get worse.
How can they get worse?
Well, I can find my mother is a prostitute
and my real father is Walter.
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
Sucks for you
Achmed, one of the biggest topics now that everyone is worried
p>
is that scary group who wants to take over the world
Yes, the Kardashian.
[audience laughs]
No.
-No, ISIS. -Oh, those people.
-Do you ever been in ISIS? -No, I'm in the fringe group smaller ones.
We just blow things up. We call ourselves Tali-bam!
But I love Kardashians.
-You do ? -Oh, of course.
It's a scary family.
I can't stop watching their shows.
Very? /> Who is your favorite Kardashian? </ P>
No, it's Kanye. He's Western.
I'm pretty sure he's in the south.
-No direction. -No direction?
-No direction. -Which direction?
None
No? -Well, one direction.
He is in the boy band?
[audience laughs]
No, I said he was Western.
Okay, I guess. He certainly doesn't go north. </ P>
-No, it's his daughter. -No. </ P>
[audience cheers]
His daughter is in the north ?
No, her daughter is a North person.
That's what I said.
Her daughter is North West.
She is fast.
-No. -Is he still on the west side?
-No. -No, right?
No, he's a person West. </ P>
What are you, Italian
[in an Italian accent] "I don't care if he is north or south."
No, he is Western, but he is not west.
His daughter is North, But he is also a Westerner. </ P>
So, he is in the North West, and the whole family is Western. </ P>
[in a normal voice ] You finally start Experimenting with crack, right? </ P>
[audience laughs]
-But Kim is Kanye's wife. -Yes. </ P >
-Where is he? -I don't know.
But you know someone else is in the west.
-He also. -A -ha!
Wait.
[laughs]
-Do you know who Kim's stepfather is? -No.
She's a beautiful woman.
[audience laughs]
Stop making love to me!
I killed you from here!
Not funny!
And you make it worse, because I'm bad
-You mean hungry? -No, hangry I'm hungry and angry. </ P>
You look a little thin. </ P>
Shut up! </ P>
-Do you eat today? Oh. Just have breakfast. </ P>
-Cereal. -What is your favorite breakfast? </ P>
Life. </ P>
[audience laughs]
And then I usually add some grapes. just so I can say I have some. </ P>
[audience laughs]
Not funny! </ P>
- Do you like ethnic food? -Mexico. </ P>
-I, I also like Mexican food. -Yes. </ P>
So, if you like Mexican, < br /> do you like tacos that are soft or crispy?
[audience laughs]
Uh, in this case, do you use tacos as a metaphor?
[audience laughs]
Because your answer will determine my answer
-No. -Caring.
Good.
-Yes. -Soft.
I'm sure there are some school dropouts here it's very confused
"I think a metaphor is the new type of Mercedes." </ P>
[groans]
"Mercedes Metaphor Class. It's like something else."
[laughs]
You know, in all honesty, sometimes < br /> In this place, I don't feel safe.
- A little outnumbered? -Yes.
I have to have some sort of signal if I need help
Well, I've watched in movies Where do they tell a man to blink very fast
if he feels in danger
Oh okay. [panting]
[audience laughs]
Bastard!
p>
Bubba J's arm is too short and I don't have eyelids!
Maybe I need more water!
Maybe. Say goodbye night, Achmed.
Thank you, Dublin!
[audience cheering]
I killed you!
And now for the last man us tonight.
She's purple, she's weird.
Please help me welcome my friend, peanut
[audience cheers]
-How are you, peanuts? -Good. How are you doing? </ P>
-I'm fine. -That's good. That's good
[laughs]
Two babies of your age, what happened?
Nobody has ever told you about birds and bees?
Yup, but nobody mentioned birds and dinosaurs.
[laughs]
I wonder what their first words will become
-Mama? Chest? -More like, "Grandpa."
[laughs]
Don't worry, you might be deaf at that moment too.
Grandpa.
Hey , all of you can share the same baby food.
-we eat your nonsense -Continue.
-Is it difficult to distinguish the twins? - Not everything. </ P>
But soon, it will be difficult for you to distinguish everything
"No, Dad, it's a toilet plunger. It's not a plate dog on a stick. "
At your age, play catch
Means trying to stop Dad from falling down the stairs.
-You don't have balance -Continue.
I have to see them take their first step
Yes, they can watch over you take the last one
[audience laughs]
Great thing for them is when they behave badly,
you won't remember what they did wrong.
"If I say first, I told you a thousand times nonsense." / p>
- [laughs] You're senile. -Continue.
I can't wait to take it to their first game
What, bingo [laughs]
-So you're home. -Continue.
Will they ride above behind your motorcycle No.
The back of your electric scooter. Yay!
"Come on, Dad, let's run away the extension cable again." Yay!
Thick, thud, yay!
You don't need to take them to Disneyland. You can put it in your chair.
[buzzing]
-You can't use stairs. -Continue.
[laughs]
Stop.
Play hide and seek?
No , because you will forget what you are looking for
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers]
[laughs]
You will be so old when your children are ready to hear sex talk,
You will tell them:
"When men and women love each other very much,
The man took the blue pill.
Waiting to kick,
then lower the fence in her bed.
Throw her legs to this side and break her hips. "
Wow, smash your hips right after drinking Viagra
" Well, before we give the cast, Sir, we have to wait four hours. "
-You got worse. -Continue.
Don't ever give them the conversation.
Nobody wants to hear sex talk < br /> from their grandfather
I'm not their grandfather.
Hey, if it's like a duck and walks like a duck...
- You damn duck. -Continue. </ P>
- Damn quake. -Continue. </ P>
[laughs]
Stop it!
I feel sorry for your son,
Because when they are old enough To go to school,
Another boy will say, "My father can beat your father."
They will say, "We can beat our own father. </ P>
Just have to knock him get out of his wheelchair first." </ P>
Then you will lie down on the ground shouting:
"Help me my 5-year-old children kick my ass and I can't wake up!"
- Because you're weak < br /> - Stop.
-You will bring them dogs? -Finally.
No, get them dogs now.
Get they are Shar-Pei, one of the dogs is defensive.
Why are dogs like that?
Well, when they are teenagers,
everyone will accustomed to having some tangled things
wandering around the house crashing into a wall.
-Kamu. -Continue.
-But they are healthy? .
-Nice, 20 fingers and 20 toes? -Yes.
-Two bats and four balls? - [chuckles] huh? / p>
-You will take them to the tour bus? -Perhaps.
Be like us and make them sleep in the suitcase?
- Because you bastards -Continue. </ P>
Make sure you teach them how to tell time
I will. But why?
So, they will know when to give you your medicine
[audience laughs]
-Do they speak? -No.
But we start to see everything we say,
Because finally, they repeat everything they hear
What will they face to say?
Juice prune.
Osteoporosis.
-Funeral settings. - Stop it. </ P>
Have you proven that house? </ P>
-Everything except a few antiques. -What, you and your mother? </ P>
[laughs ]
-Because you're both farting old. -Continue.
Think about how old you are later When you teach them to drive.
-Will be fine. -No, it won't. </ P>
They will learn to drive if their indicator is always active
When they graduate from high school, < br /> You will give them wheels?
-Maybe. -What, which of your walking aids? [laughs]
- and two balls damn tennis. -Continue.
So, with the kids in that house chica, womp, womp, kind of affected?
-Little. -Yeah, right now: chica, womp, womp, womp.
You used to like music like Sade and Luther Vandross.
Now you do it for sound from a baby monitor
Chica, chica, womp, womp, [crunching]
You light a candle, but now that's right to eliminate the smell of diapers.
-Yes. -Not only boys & apos;.
What is the wife's signal? when is she ready to love?
Does he coyly remove spit from his shoulder?
"Hello dad.
I can change your diaper.
Want to drink? "
Oh, like you never thought about that.
Will you be one of them Daddy is really careful
-What does that mean? -Kids wearing knee pads and helmets.
-Maybe. I mean, it should be.
You don't have it when you were a child.
-No. -May affect you.
No.
[audience laughs]
Jeff.
You talk to me
[laughing audience ]
This is not real.
I know. It's hard for you to accept, no?
You should have worn a helmet damn it.
[audience laughs]
[audience claps]
Are you--? What are you doing?
p>
It's annoying
It's awkward.
I know.
I don't like this.
Exactly.
>
If I'm closer...
-Repeat. -I can kick your ass
What's wrong with you?
[laughs]
Stop it.
[audience laughs]
What is that?!
Is that my hair?!
Put it again!
-Give me back! -You know how this works, right? </ P>
-What? -You have a hole in your head. </ P>
I hope so .
[Peanut] Wait,
-I just asked if this would hurt. -Yes.
I don't bet anyone < br /> ever asked that before
[audience laughs]
Okay, here it is Here's what you hear a lot.
Have you been ?
[audience laughs]
Say good night, Peanuts.
Thank you, Dublin!
[audience cheers]
[Black Star Rider; "Soldierstown" plays]
â € ª They know he is bound to Soldierstown This written on month â ™ ª
â ™ ª They pull all window coverings down Listen to the fear of the song â ™ ª
â ™ ª He will sing the song with enampence < br /> Break the fist above the door â ™ ª
â ™ ª They know the score in Soldierstown He has gone here before â ™ ª
â ™ ª No no choice, no compromise Submit one of your relatives â ™ ™
â ™ ª To save other children To save bones and skin â ™ ª
â ™ ª Tonight night, you have to decide Which child will stay or go â ™ ª
â ™ ª Devil goes up in Soldierstown His boots pierce the snow â € ™ ª
â ™ ª Shadow falls in the window Pray that he can pass â ™ ª
â ™ engarkan Listen to the death knell His breath on the glass â € ™ ª
â ™ ª You all must lose your finger city residents understand â ™ ™
â ™ ª Now every son and daughter has been taken at night â ™ ª
â ™ ª Sekarang setiap putra dan putri Telah diambil di malam hari â ™ ª
â ™ uk Cursed, they say, to be slaughtered If they dare to fight â ™ ª
â ™ ª It's midnight in Soldierstown There is a knock on the door â ª
ª The youngest child pushed out in the snow To save the other four â ™ ª
â ™ ª You can hear shouts in the city of Belfast Or so the story is â ™ ª
â ™ ª You can track the set of footprints In winter the deepest snow is â ™ ª
â ™ ª Nothing here in Soldierstown Save misery and pain â ™ ª
â ™ ª Plants all fail in Soldierstown They never grow again â ™ ª
â ™ asing Foreigners, although misunderstood Must come to save their young people â ™ â
â ™ ª To steal them from their poverty Turn their faces to the sun â ™ ª
â ™ ª To the place of law And love is taught â ™ ª
â ™ ª And peace, it overflows â ™ ª
â ™ ª A father's night without a soul Meet strangers on the road â ™ ª
â ™ ung I will fight until one of us dies He shouts into his face â ™ ª
â ™ ª "I admire your noble ideas" Said the stranger, touched by the grace of â ™ ª
â ™ ª But please let me show you Where is the young you gave me to play â ™ ª
â ™ ª In the meadow filled with laughter Grow wiser on the day â ™ ª
â ™ ª One day your child can save all of you From hell Soldierstown â ™ ª
â ™ ª "But bring him back," shouted a stranger that His patience is using down â ™ ª
â € œ strangers come to Soldierstown If 20 years have passed â ™ ª
â ™ ª Search for his father Slow breathing on glass â ™ ª
â ™ ª No choice, no compromise Submit one of your relatives â ™ ª
â ™ ª To save other children To save bones and skin â ™ ª
â ™ ª Last night, you had to decide Which child would stay or go â ™ ª
â ™ ª Devil ride on Soldierstown His boots penetrate snow â ™ ª
â ™ ª You can hear shouts in the city of Belfast /> Or that's the story â ™ ª
â ™ ª You can track the set of footprints In winter the deepest snow is â ™ ª
â ™ ª Nothing nothing here in Soldierstown Save misery and pain â ™ ª
â ™ ª Devil riding in Soldierstown He smiles once more â ™ ª
Submitted by: www.subtitlecinema.com