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How are you?
Davis, how are you?
I go home.
I returned here.
Netflix says, "Where do you want for a special event?"
"LA, Chicago, New York?"
I said, "No. Davis, California."
This...
This is a beautiful year for me. I just got married.
Thank you.
I need applause.
This is a very heavy ring. Very heavy.
This is like an reversal from the "Lord of the Rings" situation.
Where I have a ring then then lose my power,
And that's "Lord of the Rings" very different.
Like, "Listen? Compromise? Take the ring, Sam."
The film is finished in 8 minutes. It's not a 90 hour saga.
We just celebrated one anniversary,
A year has passed, is still forever again.
And it's scary to say.
Do you know what's amazing? That kind of let go.
Because I don't care about with my single friends.
I don't care about you all and it's satisfying.
Because you are at home just looking for love,
And complain.
"How did you find the person?"
"Dimples? Scavenge his head!" As if you are a king.
"Brown hair? Not my type."
Kubilnag, "Dude, you work at Subway. You don't deserve a lot of choice."
We are getting softer.
Do you realize that my parents never met physically?
30 years ago, in a small town called Aligarh, a population of 990,000.
It's a small city in India.
My father heard on the street about a woman named Seema, my mother.
And Seema is a dream woman.
Year & 82; Seema is like...
Look at the red Langa. He is charming!
He is like an iPhone 8 in Aligarh.
"Have you heard of Seema? He's slim. His family has a camera."
My father is like, "Camera? I can't believe that!"
He ran to my grandfather's house and said to him.
"Mother, sir, I'm going to America. I want to marry Seema. YOLO."
In 10 minutes, he married a woman whom he had never met.
It's like a Tinder account that doesn't have photos.
"Yes, I want it for the rest of my life."
"I hope he has a good personality."
"Let's move to the United States, where we can get to know each other."
I am very grateful for that decision.
Najmi married the Question Mark, went to America, I was born.
Born by your mother like real estate.
Everything about location, location and location...
I was born here. All the brown skin that was born here, we succeeded.
We are successful rap singers.
Strangely, I never knew the whole story of "X-Men Origins."
It's crazy, because you don't know anything about our parents...
... and our parents don't know anything about us.
For example, "Daddy, what is your favorite color? Stanford!"
"What? No."
"No, I want to know you better."
"Why do you want to know me? Enter Stanford."
And I think it's part of the secret love of immigrants.
Right? They like it.
They like to harbor feeling deeply,
And issuing 30 years then at that time is irrelevant.
So you sit there and say, "What, mother ninja, communist father?"
"Why are you saying this to me now?"
I feel every conversation with my father like the movie M. Night Shyamalan.
It only airs for 90 minutes which has no effect.
"That's the end?"
My father married my mother, they went to America, they have me,
In Davis, California,
But my mother had to go back to India to finish her medical school.
So the first 8 years, it's just me and my father.
Only the two of us try survive in America.
Minus all love unconditional.
Love brown people very unconditional.
You can see all of the photos, "You should get an A."
That's right. Just be honest.
I'm big here. Grow... I'm big here.
Yes.
But Davis is full of white people. Same as tonight.
Nickname is a problem. That is important for us.
What is your name? / Jasura.
Well, what's your nickname?
Jasuriah./ Jasuriah?
Yes. I was called "Hanson Minaja..."
"Sahan Minha."
"Saddam Hussein."
That's from my English teacher. I like, "Dude, my name isn't Saddam."
What is your name? / Biju.
Biju? What is your nickname? / Empty gaze.
Blank Gaze?
That's weird, because I'm the only brown skin in school,
And my father is the only in his office.
That's the strangest way that unites us together,
And we do everything together. And bad...
Because if you are together the father of an immigrant,
You have to try understand them.
While I still can't understand some of you to this day.
Like the uncles here tonight, but none of you smile.
I don't understand. You can die. Laugh at
"You don't laugh. Why are you laughing?"
You're always depressed and always tired.
You can wake up immigrant father from 12 hours of sleep,
They will remain...
"Why do I have to pay tax?"
You're like, "Gosh..."
We go to a shared supermarket,
I remember we were at a supermarket.
We walk in the hallway, and my father takes yogurt.
I tried to understand it, and said, "Yogur."
or milk. Like...
Then I see it and think, "Gosh. Dad doesn't like yogurt."
"He hates milk."
But I understand that gaze now.
Life is difficult and sometimes you don't know what you're doing.
He has small children and I don't make his life easier.
I take soda and I'm like,
"Don't do that." I said, "I'm still small. I live forever!"
Then I tripped Velcro-kus shoes
Then I dropped the sodanya and it exploded.
Then my father will do...
... what most parents do brown skin.
He will check if the lane has no one...
... then he will slap me. And...
I like that. Thank you.
We understand that.
And for liberals white skin who feel guilty,
Look, immigrants don't hit their children like you do.
Americans hit off guard and make body bruises.
Immigrants slap your face and make your soul bruised.
That's Guantanamo mind.
Some of you might say, "Hey, this is Davis, okay?"
"I listen to NPR. Ira Glass says children are our future."
You've seen an event titled "The Slap?" It shows on NBC.
This is a real event on NBC about a white child who is slapped on his birthday.
Are you kidding me?
13 episodes for this child? Are you kidding?
Do you know when a brown child is slapped? Every birthday.
And usually for children who have birthdays,
We will stand there, point and laugh.
We will say, "Biju was slapped on his birthday!"
But that makes us tough and resilient.
That's why we became cardiologists and won spelling contests.
The overlay is important. That improves your game.
Ever seen Indian children who win spelling contests?
Incredible!
Ice water flows in the pulse. It's dingind
The child won't look at the camera. He will slap the camera.
Of course he can spell "Knaidel."
Knaidel. Look at that face. expressionless...
He's 12 years old, without expression!
He just won $ 30,000 in cash. Without expression.
People ask, "Where did it come from?" Look at this child's parents.
Your child has just won Scripps National Chase Contest.
Look at his brother. His brother is like, "I'm fucked"
"The limit is too high. I should kill myself."
People say, "Where did Bobby Jindal come from?"
That's where he came from. That's an Indian sociopath.
I know what happened when I talk about this.
People say, "Your parents don't love you."
I think our parents love us. We have great fathers.
It's just that I think our dad doesn't invite software "good daddy."
There must be some missing applications.
Birthdays are not their favorite.
Every immigrant father feels if they bring you to America...
Happy birthday.
Starbucks, Wi-Fi, highways, happy birthday.
No more birthday. Be president. It's like that policy.
During an interview, this woman said, "Explain the memory of your birthday."
I'm like, "Do I have to?"
So, when I was 6 years old,
My father woke me up very early in the morning.
"Hasan, Wake up! Enter the Camry."
The car of immigrants' choice.
We boarded the Camry, we went from Davis to Sacramento.
There is only one mall there. Arden.
We arrive at the intersection, then I turn to the left,
There are places that every child dreams of.
Toys & apos; R & apos; Us.
I'm like, "Gosh!"
Daddy saw the catalog Toys & apos; R & apos; Us in my wall.
He saw my vision board.
He saw the blue BMX I wanted. He will give me a surprise.
Turn left, turn left.
Turn left!
Then he turns right, and I, "Home Depot? No!"
I said, "Why are we here? What day do you know?"
"Yes, Saturday. No, it's my birthday."
Daddy forgot this is my birthday? / He said, "Hasan..."
"How can you forget this is your birthday?"
"That's why daddy invites you here."
"So you can choose the handle the door for the bathroom."
And I said, "Why don't you ask me to choose the toilet?"
"Because daddy has littered my dreams."
I didn't say that. I can be slapped if I say that.
But I realize if there is generational distance between us and our parents.
Like when you will fight with your parents,
But there are a lot of things you can't do in your life.
You know about that, & apos; right?
Don't want to be a doctor? This is hand.
Want to marry a white girl? Plaque! Big hands.
That day, I said, "I don't care!"
"Dad, let's fight right now! I want that bike!"
But I thought, "Save your card. You will need that later."
As if I have an vision when I was 6 years old.
And my mother will occasionally visit, and act like Mother.
Once he came to my elementary school and bring me a proton bag "Ghostbusters."
Cars, backpacks, weapons to catch ghosts...
Really hope all children.
My friends start more. "What? Saddam Hussein is a Ghostbuster?"
"Yes, I'm a chocolate skin Ghostbuster. Thank that!"
One of the happiest days in my life.
but then he will return to India.
That's when I realized I didn't want toys.
I only want my mother. I want a whole family.
I'm very emotional. I'm like Drake. I miss that woman.
"When did he come back? I need him in my life."
"I need him. I need that woman."
"I need that woman in my life."
"I need him, Dad. He used to call me on my phone."
My father said, "when a visa passes, is important to us."
"When a visa passes!" That is the most important thing.
I don't care what people say about questions about immigrant policies...
... to enter this country.
It's not like condoms break, where are you like, "I'm in!"
8 years.
August 11, 1993. I am very happy.
I use my Ghostbusters proton bag. I stand there.
Father said, "Hasan, wear Indian clothes."
I thought, "Okay. I can be Indian Ghostbuster."
I wear Salwar Kameez. I stand there.
The door opens.
Daddy approached.
Mother approached.
Then suddenly behind my mother...
... there is a small brown skin girl with mushroom model hair.
He ran towards me and hugged me.
"Hasan Bhai!"
And I just stopped there,
Because I don't know who this person is.
The point that happens is, my father...
... always go back and forth to India to visit my mother,
And on one of his trips he made my mother get pregnant again.
And I have a younger sister.
But there's no one to tell me about that.
Remember when I said if the Immigrants like secrets?
This is a secret that never told me!
My father said, "why don't you hug him?"
"Because you brought him like Maury to Immigrants."
"Hasan, you are his brother." I'm like, "No!"
He will only dance, like, "Where are my Bhai?
And I like," Who are you? "
"You don't know me? I don't know who you are."
I really hate girls brown skin.
I really understand. So I built that wall "
I'm like a small Republican. I said," I understand. "
I remember talking to my parents at dinner.
" Listen, dad, mother, honestly "
Yes, Lord, this brown person... Gosh.
Come to our house...
Eat our Fruit Roll-Ups...
And don't speak English. ..
"I said we should return her place of origin." I said.
He said, "Hasan, don't say that! We are family! We have each other. "
I'm like," No, that's wrong father and mother. "
You decide to be Angelina Jolie,
and bring this problem here.
"That's your fault, not me."
Somehow you did this,
Mothers are brown skin, why are you doing this to your daughter?
Every mother's brown skin makes her daughter quinceañera dresses and bangs.
Why? Princess down here, frog above here.
And he always follows me to the playground. "Hasan Bhai!"
I said, "Go home!"
I play tetherball. "Brother Hasan!" "Go!"
Until I go to the men's toilet, he will come in with me.
"Hasan Bhai!"
All children who are moderate are urinating, like...
What is "See you Hasan?"
My schoolmate is like Ryan Lochtes. Everything is weird.
"I don't understand other cultures."
"What is that? What does that mean?"
That's the term dear in my culture which means Brother. "
" Shut up, Cody! "
I keep anger and channel it to him.
I say, " Hey! You're not my brother. "
But he doesn't understand English.
But he knows what I say.
He starts crying and runs.
I think," No! "
= "He will tell Daddy."
"Focus on the most important thing here."
But he didn't do it. And my father...
That was his first birthday in America. He was 5 years old.
So for the first birthday, my father wants that special.
I can imagine being a father...
... who skips the first step his daughter, first calls "Daddy."
That's a difficult thing.
So for his birthday, he told all to gather in the living room.
He brings a big box that says, "Aisha, not the box."
He opens his city and folds the lid of the box,
Then I saw "Toys & Apos; R & apos; Us" appeared on one of the covers.
Then my father took out the contents,
And he took out beautiful blue BMX bikes.
"This is for you, Aisha." He looked at me. "Happy Birthday."
Cruel, isn't it?
I'm angry. I thought, "since when did Home Depot become Danny Tanner?"
"This is nonsense. Seriously?" IAM very angry.
Aisha can feel it. He said, "Hasan Bhai,"
"Why don't you wear it first? Go. Use your bike."
Honest, as the oldest brother, I feel entitled to the bike.
"Thank you, it's my bicycle. Thank you."
I know if a sister is more valuable. You always talk about that.
I see it when I'm angry. "No! I have a personality."
Where did you get it , how come? We.
Clothing, culture, money.
"I have an opinion." No, that's not true.
Then you have the courage to say,
"Hey, why do you like playing?"
Because I fight for you. Father and mother are my Vietnamese.
And you're like, "Everyone love me. See you later."
That's nonsense, isn't it?
The oldest Saudra, for the rest of our lives will go through life like,
"Do people love me?"
And you're like, "Everyone loves me."
"Mother and father screwed you up, not with me. See you later."
He opens the door and says, "take it around the block."
I hold the bicycle handlebar. I said, "Don't be noisy."
Then I bring it. He said, "Hasan Bhai, come back!"
I say, "eat bruises, immigrants." I fly.
I see the sidewalk. I want attractions on the sidewalk.
But the bike is left and I'm right.
And the blue BMX bike that beautiful one...
... fell to hit cement.
All parts of the right hand side paint are peeling off.
I raised it and it was completely destroyed.
I hear the whining sound.
He cried, "Hasan Bhai, why are you doing this?"
Plain cartoon tears.
"Why? I asked you for the first time to ride it."
I looked at him and thought, "Gosh, I'm a bitch."
During this time I was looking for recognition from Cody, Corey and Cole...
While I have it here all the time.
I should be his brother,
I should guide her American dreams and protect them.
And I actually stole the bike? This is bad.
And Aisha hates the story.
He always says, "Gosh, you're very melodramatic."
"You make me sound like a refugee child..."
"... to entertain white people." It is true.
I'm doing it now.
That is unfair, because he is not a refugee.
And he learned English.
He goes to school Ivy League law now.
He takes care of mergers and acquisitions now.
He is 1%. While I...
I don't continue post-graduate.
I became a comedian. This is my job.
Then then, it's time where I will get married,
I married a woman from a Hindu family.
I heard "Oh!" Alright...
Gosh. I hear you like "Uh!" I didn't hit you.
Gosh!
Well, maybe some of you don't know.
Become Hindu and Muslim like Montagues and Capulets in India.
We have been fighting for centuries.
You will say, "What's the difference? You look the same."
How do I explain this? Hindus and Muslims.
Hindus...
Hindus don't eat beef. "There is no beef!" Understand?
And Muslim, we don't eat pork. "Is that pepperoni pizza? No."
"Not pepperoni!"
Then, Hindus like sculptures.
They are like, "This is an elephant statue."
"I'll put this in my car."
And Muslim, "There is no statue! Calligraphy! We are about the alphabet."
"We put it on our car. We are different, man!"
Then Hindus like pictures.
They are like, "this is a picture of Ganesha."
"I'll put this on the wall."
And Muslim...
We don't really like pictures.
We have to look for more good things about image policies.
Because of these things we fight each other for centuries.
And I know the older generation won't like this joke.
"It's not funny! Pakistan was built for this reason!"
I know, but...
I convinced my father. "Dad, I love him, he loves me."
Is there nothing bigger to unite us all...
... apart from race, skin color, beliefs and class?
This is America. We can choose what we want to follow from this country.
Isn't life like Biryani,
Where do you move the delicious ones towards you, get rid of the unpleasant ones?
Why do we have to follow strange things from the past?
He agrees. He said, "That is true."
"Good. You can get married."
That was the decision of the Hall of Fame father of brown skin.
There must be a brown skin dad here who thinks, "If my child does that,"
"I will shoot myself, then shoot him."
He said yes.
We all gather. I, Mother, Father and Aisha,
We enter the Camry, go to my fiance's house.
And when we pull over and will approach the door,
And my father will ring the bell,
Then he says the word destroys the dream of a brown child.
He said, "Hasan, my father feels we should not do this."
Log kya kahenge?
"What will people think?"
I don't know if you know, but every time I am a brown skin father...
... say Log kya kahenge,
Stars really fall from the sky.
"Dad, mother, I don't want to be a doctor!" "Log kya kahenge!"
No!
"I don't want to marry him!" "Log kya kahenge!"
Why?
I'm sure when Mahatma Gandhi tell his parents...
... he will free India,
His parents must say, "Log kya kahenge!"
"Stop marching. Eat. People England will talk bad about us."
"Why are you thin and bald? We can see your ribs!"
"You're acting weird. You can never get married."
And I stand at the door.
Wait, I stand in front of that door,
Thinking, "Wait, you changed my life because of Log Kya Kahenge?"
Come on, daddy.
How many times have we complained about racism in our community?
All the time.
Now the ball is in our field and are we being as loyal as other communities?
Come on, daddy. I promise you. God doesn't like bigotry.
God won't like, "You're racist, work good. That's what I always want."
No! Number two, you want I changed my life...
... to appease my aunt and uncle who will never meet again?
Do you want me to change my life for Aunt Naila's sake?
Fuck Aunt Naila. I don't want to do that.
Are you kidding me? "My life?"
But I didn't say that.
Because I've played all my cards. So I can't say anything.
I began to lose hope. I thought, "Maybe this is bigger than me."
Why don't I pretend I don't know and do what I should?
"This is real life. This is not Jodhaa Akbar."
Have you ever been stuck in the time in your life?
That's bigger than me. It's bigger for centuries.
So I walked back to Camry,
Then I hear voices behind me.
"Yes, God. You are always like this!"
That's Aisha, and she's angry.
He said, "Daddy, I didn't fly all the way from Philladhlephia to this!"
"Beena is very strict." He has a PhD.
"Brother Hasan is only a comedy."
"Nobody wants to marry him."
"Make her get married before the woman changes her mind."
He goes forward and acts. He used the card for me.
He is Phil Jackson's situation.
He makes all people work the same for one purpose.
Because of him, I can marry love in my life.
Because of my sister. I can't believe that.
4 years I hate skin girls that chocolate. I hate it.
But that day, on that special day,
I can't be more proud with him as brother Hasan.
They say every generation is determined by the tragedy of a major struggle.
And that's strange because kids we never know...
... if there is a time in this country...
... where you have to make difficult decisions...
... between being on the internet and on the phone.
They don't understand that. You will never understand.
You won't understand. Our World War I.
Especially during junior high school, and a woman calls home,
You have to pick up the phone before your parents.
We use landlines. That is a wired telephone.
One time my middle school girl friend called home.
My father raised it before me.
"Hello, who is this?"
"Hi, this is Alice. Is Hasan there?" "What do you need, Alice?"
I'm like, "Good, I will die a virgin."
"I'm a classmate of Geometry with Hasan. I have a question for him."
"May I ask him?"
My father said, "All right, Alice."
"Why don't you say me to the question,"
"Then I will ask Hasan?"
Basically that is our parents.
Age 0 to 30, "No women!" Age 35, "Why not talk to women?"
Basically so. "You killed me!"
It's like our parents, isn't it?
Our parents are like walls barrier from the outside world.
They spread information to us. Like living in North Korea. And...
My father is the head of the household.
So when 9-11 happened, I was still in high school.
My father asked all to gather at the dinner table.
He said, "Okay, Hasan, Whatever you do,"
"Don't tell people you're a Muslim or a monastery about politics."
"All right, Dad. I'll hide. This can be removed"
We sit there. The phone rings.
I ran, but my father preceded me.
"Hello?" I picked up the second telephone.
I heard his voice. "Hey, nigger sand! Where is Osama?"
My dad looks at me.
"You can hear me, & apos; right? Stupid. Where is Osama?"
"Hey, you can hear me, & apos, right?"
"2631 Regatta Lane, you live there, & apos; right"
"I will kill you." Click.
Then my father looked at me.
Have you ever seen your parents, and have you seen destruction in it?
I looked at my father and I saw him become seven.
That's when I realized, I'm darapok. I'm a coward.
We can speak two languages. We can talk at home and outside.
I should say something. But not.
We sit down. I heard the blow from outside.
My father and I ran out, and the glass of the Camry car was destroyed.
They look back and open my bag. "Damn, they stole my stuff."
I grabbed it and pulled my bag.
Glass fragments hit my arm.
Blood flows from my hand,
I'm upset and I'm angry.
Fuck this!
They know where we live, they contact us.
They count this, so they watch over us.
I ran. I hide above the tree, in the bush...
I saw in the middle of the road, my father was in the middle there...
... sweep the glass from the street as if he works at a hair shaving place.
"We're having customers. Log kya kahenge?"
"We have to fix this."
Zen!
Mr. Miyagi, brown, said nothing.
I said, "Why don't you say something?"
"I ask you, say something!"
He looks at me and says, "Hasan..."
"This usually happens,"
"And things like this will continue to happen."
"That's the price we have to pay because it's here."
When I was thinking, "we are really of two different generations"
Besides BMX bikes.
My father from a generation where he feels like if you come to this country,
You pay taxes on American dreams.
you stand up against racism, and if it doesn't hurt your life, pay.
Look at this, Uncle Sam.
But for me, I was born here.
So I really have courage for equality.
I said, "I'm an American. I have it here."
"Life, freedom, the pursuit of happiness. Everyone is created equal."
"It's said here, I'm equal."
"I'm equivalent, I don't deserve this."
But as soon as I say that...
He sees me as if I believe in Santa. "Hasan, you will never understand."
"I will never understand?"
"Father, you will argue with the cashier at Costco..."
"... when he doesn't allow you to return the underwear that has been used."
And now you want to be a bigger man?
"Let's be fair with fanatics." What?
Then he walked back home with the glass on his feet.
And honestly I don't know who is more right.
Maybe he is right. Don't be flashy.
Be a doctor, buy home in the suburbs,
Let them call it whatever you want.
But isn't it our job to push the needle forward little by little?
Isn't that how all this happened?
I don't know. It's like a swing - a pendulum back and forth for me.
I know 9/11 is a very sensitive topic. I understand.
Because when that happens,
Everyone in America feels like their country is attacked.
But on that night, September 12,
That was the first night of so many nights...
... where the loyalty of my family against this country was attacked.
And that always sucks.
As immigrants we always have to see press releases...
To prove our patriotism.
We are auditioning. "We love this country, trust me."
No one loves this country exceeds us.
I fell in love here. Janice Malo, 6 years old.
I saw it in a sandbox. I ran to him.
First class. I said, "Janice, I love you!"
"You are the color of dirt." That is what I remember most.
For the first time you experience racism? You know what it feels like...
I'm like, "What? No! This can't be removed!"
I'm very scared.
It's like racist acceptance. There are so many levels.
I just want to wake up and say,
"It's just a dream, I'm JGL. It's all just a dream."
But it's not a dream, it's natural the universe tells you,
"This is a fair and beautiful world. You have to be guided properly."
There is an assignment when I'm in third grade, and, Mrs. Anderson says,
"Write what you want when you are an adult."
Some children say, "astronauts," or "firefighters."
I said, "I want to be white person."
He said, "Honey, what do you mean?"
"I want my entire skin to be my skin."
And it doesn't feel like, "I hate melanin."
I like melanin.
I have never been exposed to sunburn. I am blessed.
But when you are white and you are playing a video game of life,
And your avatar is white,
You just won't be too get a lot of questions.
As if you came out, then... "I want to be Batman."
"Of course. Batman is white."
"I want to become president."
"44 and half of half presidents are white."
"We have a great track record."
And I know the privilege debate is very heavy for white people.
I know you have a problem.
I've watched "Girls" in HBO. I understand. But...
My father doesn't care about his identity at all.
He is like other fathers. He gave me a simple rule.
"Don't party, don't be friends, don't date."
"Have fun in medical school."
That's a big lie. It never happened in medical school.
I've never been to a club and seen 9 people, "Hey, how are you?"
"What's wrong? Resident, man!" Never happen.
"I got a career that I hated from my parents."
It's a lie. We believe it. Somehow.
So in my first year of high school,
I have not gone to a school dance, I was expelled from the basketball team,
And I just finished taking a medicine called Accutane.
So my skin and face are peeled off. I'm still charming.
My life is extraordinary...
Appear charming. Nobody did that.
Don't clap. Don't applaud the photo.
No one has ever done that in my school. It's too late.
You can't fix it.
But there is a bright spot in my senior high school year,
A girl named Bethany Reed.
And his family just recently moved from Nebraska to Davis,
And we are in the AP Calc together, but...
We have an interest.
He sits behind me, the first day, he says,
"Hey, what's your AIM screen name?"
I thought, "This will happen. You want it?
I can give it to you."
Whatever my shortcomings in real games, my digital games... Banana.
Latest status, remote messages, sub profiles,
Boyz II Men. Don't say you don't like "Water Runs Dry".
I am a lover.
At midnight on AIM, it's always...
You don't know this. First...
You only go to campus, and Snapchatting with dog filters.
Previously, we had to turn on the internet like cavemen.
Understand what I mean?
If someone picks up the phone, "Hey, hang up!"
"I tried talking with someone!"
That's how we communicate.
Midnight, back and forth...
One night he left, "Hey, come here."
I went to his place and entered his house.
White fence, luxury house, Ford Expedition,
Eddie Bauer Edition
"They succeeded!"
Ny. Reed opened the door. His father was a successful retired judge.
Ny. Reed said, "do you want brownies? Yes, sure. Good!"
"We sit down to start learning. Will you go to dinner?"
I thought, "we just ate brownies, but, no problem."
We sit at the dining table.
Then Ny. Reed said, "Honey, we know a lot about Bethany," But we don't know anything about you
"What do you like? What do you like?"
I'm like, "What?"
"What do I like?"
"Nobody has ever ask me that before."
"I think I like acoustic guitars."
"you have to do that. You have to follow your dream."
"Maybe I'll do it."
"Maybe I'll follow my dream."
Then Bethany said, "Hey, we always learn in my house,"
"Why don't we learn in your home?"
Then I say, "I have to go."
Invite you to my house? Of course, please enter.
When walking in, "What language do you use?"
"What is it like in films? What smell is"
I will not open myself against things like that.
So I said, "No, he's different. Come to my house."
He was there until late at night. I went down to take it...
"Mom, Dad, my schoolmate came. Everyone please be normal."
My father said, "We are normal."
I can only say, "Kill me." Do you understand?
"Hasan, we're normal. You should be proud."
Who is proud Nothing. you go around like a rooster.
If I'm not proud, then no one is proud of being proud.
We get there.
We sit at the living room table.
My father and mother were arguing in Hindi.
My mother fry pakora. That really makes phobias.
Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham Is playing on Zee TV. Classic.
But that's too much.
Everything is focused on this girl. That's too much.
You have to make it easier your entrance.
He is from Nebraska.
Life cycle, yoga, then Zee TV.
You can't just enter.
So I saw him, and said, "Don't say anything."
"Please don't say anything."
He saw the book, and said, "do you know?"
"This is very good."
"We have to do this more often. It's very good."
Then I look at him, and think, "Yes, God."
"I love you, my white daughter."
"You see me as I am. I don't need to change myself."
"I can be myself!"
So I will go back and forth. His house, my house.
One night, we are on the living room table.
We learn integrals.
He closes the book. He's like, "Hey, it's night."
Then I say, "it's night."
And he's like... "I have to go home."
I say, "Yes, you better go home." No, why did I say that?
That's your chance! Do not do it!
I said, "Wait, let I take you out."
So I drove him out. He entered the car.
I will close the door.
He squeezed his arm against the door, leaned back and kissed me.
"I love you." Closing the door,
Driving in the dark of night without saying anything.
Amazing girl!
Because he knows the rules.
He knows the rules.
Don't party, don't be friends, don't date.
All we have is when I steal it on my home page.
You like, "I got handjob when I was nine years old." You might think, "what's the problem, man?"
You like, "I got handjob when I was nine years old."
"I was given masturbation when I was 9 years old."
Not me. Not this person.
Not you, you, you, you... Not us.
I'm like, "What? What do you mean?
" Are we getting married? I have to change my pants. "
We will definitely get married. When is it?
My AP Class Calc is a group of people who have high targets.
And my Calc teacher, Mr. Pendleton,
Want us to live life outside of school.
One day during the spring semester, he stands in front of the class.
And said, "Okay, all of you are very good in academic terms."
But I want you to know, is still a lot in life... "
"... besides just entering UC Berkeley. "
A child says, " I know, go to Stanford. "
He said, "No, you have to go through life that is worth talking about," "That's why I make this mandatory for everyone in this class..."
"... to go to parties dance. "
" Are we 30? Everyone will go to the dance? "
AP Calc? We? I?
Witnesses of Jehovah's Witnesses, Korean exchange students, go to the ball?
"30 people? All of us?"
"I laughed out loud to cry.
He said," Hanson, this isn't funny! And this isn't a joke! "
He walks to the board, he pulls it down.
There is a table with the names of all people who will represent to the dance. the nerds.
I said, "Whatever, it won't happen."
"This is impossible. He can't do this. "
Weeks pass. Others start looking friends for dance.
Three days before the prom he walks to the board.
He determines the person. , Bethany Reed.
The class becomes rowdy. They are like...
"They will make love!"
"No, that's not true! Isn't that right? That's not true."
I looked at him, "Please don't say anything."
He doesn't say anything, extraordinary girl.
The bell rings. I walked to my locker.
I hear footsteps. Then he said, "Hey, wait."
I say, "What's wrong?"
"The moment was really crazy. How big is the chance?"
He said, "Listen, you know",
"Since my family moved from Nebraska,"
"You have become my best friend."
"And you're really special to me."
"This year won't be the same without you."
"So I want to know, do you want to go to the dance with me?"
I said, "Sure, my White Princess."
As soon as I say it, I'm like, "No!"
I have bit more than that I can chew. Then,
"No, wait, you have an card to play. You're fine."
"You're a good kid."
But, remember, parents respect honesty.
You've seen it on TV.
Go home and be honest,
Your parents will say, "Hey!"
"Even though I disagree with you, I appreciate your openness."
"Therefore I will grant your request."
I say, "Yes, do it!" Then run home and say,
"Dad, I want to go to the dance." He says...
Meaning, "I will hit your face." I said, "I understand, Dad."
"Bethany, there's a problem at home. I don't want us to go to the dance."
"This is what will happen, I will go sneak out of the room,"
"My room is on the second floor."
"I'll jump off the roof, and somehow land on my bike."
"I will bike to your place, we dance,"
"And if I die, it will be great."
Do you understand? you will die, so enter it on the tombstone.
"Hasan Minhaj, GPA 4.3, kiss a white girl."
That is a great way.
The night of the dance party finally arrived.
I wear JC Penney's suit.
Use Michael Jordan's colony.
Six sprays, each for each championship.
You don't overdo it with MJ perfume.
Don't be tacky.
I started up the side of the roof of the house. My knee is scratched.
I jump from the roof. The height is about 6 meters.
I jumped, somehow I landed, I rode a bicycle.
That's very beautiful. Sunset, this is a beautiful night.
Then I pedaled the bike with knees like this.
For my pants not to be related to the chain.
I drove at medium speed so my armpit wasn't wet.
I balance the corsage. I'm like...
"All right, come on!"
"Everything is safe. Soon to arrive."
Until I get to his house. I parked my bicycle.
I walk to the door,
And I will ring the doorbell, then think, "Wait a minute..."
Break 30 seconds. Do you understand what will happen?
"You will go to the dance with Bethany Reed."
"This is an American dream."
"This is what my father fought for."
Ding dong. Mrs. Reed opened the door.
He looks worried.
And I looked over his shoulder,
I saw Jeff Burke installing the corsage on Bethany's wrist.
He said, "Gosh, baby, Bethany didn't tell you?"
"Honey, we love you. We think you're a good kid."
"We are glad you always come and study together."
"But this is the night where..."
"... we have lots of family in Nebraska..."
"And we will take many photos there."
"So we don't think you will fit."
"Do you need ride home?"
"Mr. Reed can take you home."
I said, "No, I brought a bicycle."
I go home and play Mario Kart all night.
That's the nicest outfit I've ever used to play Mario Kart.
If I could tell you, when I was at home,
Then I will say, "Fuck! I will go to the dance!"
That doesn't happen.
The sad part is, I feel uncomfortable being there.
I am who to ruin trust their perfect shooting?
You must have seen it in a movie.
How often do you see the scene?
It's different from people who shout, "Negro sand!" From behind.
I can't just ignore it.
I will eat with their plates and kiss their daughter.
I don't know if people can be that fanatical.
Even when they smile at you.
It's hard to see people say that they love you,
But they are also afraid at the same time.
And I don't know what that means.
Then the next Monday, at the break first he met me.
He met me at my locker and said,
"Listen, everyone asks why don't we go."
Please don't say anything. My parents are good people.
"It's a generational problem. Please don't say anything."
Then I look at him. The second break runs so fast.
Mr. Pendleton said, "Hey, two lovebirds!"
"What happened? Everyone wondered why you didn't come."
I sat on the bench, and said, "Yes, what happened?"
While looking at him...
He only saw the book.
Now everyone looks at me so I have to improvise.
I said, "You know, I decided not to go."
"The dance is too much. It's not my skill."
"So that's too cliché, and I decided not to go."
Everyone in the class looks at me. and say "Wow, you bastard."
"You ignored the new child? You bastard."
"Thank God Jeff invited him to the dance. You bastard."
That was the last time we talked.
And you know,
I am an adult and time has passed.
And I'm not too thinking about that day.
I mean, I did write shows about it, but...
Like most people...
Same as the others, right?
You continue your life to a new chapter in your life.
You have selective memory, right? You're in college.
Settings, then delete history, as if that doesn't matter.
Outside campus. Settings, delete history. And don't ever do that.
You are married. After, delete history. Never happen.
Second marriage. After, delete history. Never happen.
But for the most part,
I thought about it like I did my father.
"You can't go to prom with a white girl?"
Who cares?
At least your spine is not destroyed in a police car,
Although it happens to African Americans until today.
So this is the tax you have to pay? I will pay for it
"Thank you, I can't date your daughter."
I don't care, Uncle Sam. Take it.
But then I realize, wait!
Why is every time a guarantee the damage must be death,
For us to discuss this?
Like a child who was shot 16 times,
"Maybe we have problems with race in this country."
Maybe we are afraid of each other.
For each Trayvon Martin or Ahmed "The Jam,"
There is bigotry that happens every day.
Because we are too scared of others. Someone who is not in our tribe.
If I could tell I was 18 years old,
"Hey, man, don't let this experience determine you."
That's more complicated. This is good people and bad people.
Regardless of beliefs, classes, colors, look for those people.
"Because love is greater than fear."
I hope I can say that.
I really believe that.
I strongly believe that love is greater than fear.
Fox News has taught me the .
Fox News is amazing.
I have never seen anyone who often darken his skin...
... hates people of color. That is amazing.
And Fox News is in New York. They are in New York.
Daily Show, Fox News, only is five blocks away.
That's all. Professor X, Magneto, that close!
Every day I walk past their building at lunch.
I will see all employees, Hannity, Coulter, O & apos; Reilly,
Leaving their building, crossing the road, walking past me,
Then queue for chicken and halal rice. I'm like...
"The racist Randy wants the red sauce."
I like how you can be so racist, but your body betrays you.
I really like that!
Every morning, "This Mexican, all living things, Arabs..."
"12:01! Shwarma's time!" I really like that.
And I hope I can say that to myself, I am 18 years old, but I can't.
I don't have a time machine. I can't tell him.
Do you know what parts are bad?
The bad part is, you know when you fall in love with someone...
The first time you say Heisenberg blue.
It was never the same after that.
I know the person here with his girlfriend said, "Honey, you're different."
You're lying and that doesn't matter.
But we have the first secret.
And I remember my secret is, I want to be a comedian.
He said, "I want to be journalist." And we promise...
... we will pursue our dreams,
No matter what people will think
So I started doing comedy. I'm not so good.
Two years, three years, four years, six years, seven years...
Finally I got a chance to become a headline of a comedy club.
This is very important to me. Gotham Comedy Club, New York City.
I do what is usually done the first comedian.
I entered Facebook and became very arrogant.
I wrote, "Hey, Facebook!"
Your hero appears to be the main bitang in Gotham Comedy Club.
Tell me if you want a little tix.
All with uppercase letters. Calm down. I sent it.
I'm like, "I'm the main star Come on to the airport."
LA, Chicago, Nashville, New York... I flew southwest.
I like, "I succeeded!"
Hello. La Quinta Inn! No matter what I do.
Free Wi-Fi? Why not?
Let's see what the internet says about me.
I opened my laptop, opened Facebook, then I saw this.
"Hey, long time no see."
"You're doing comedy now. It's really cool."
Listen, me and my girlfriend live in Manhattan
"And we want to know if we can get tix..."
Question mark. OK.
I don't know if you understand that means.
But, you know, if life gives you lemon,
Sometimes you have to make "lemonade revenge."
Sprinkle a little irony.
Reply, boy. Reply.
"Bethany, comma, enter."
I really remember you!
"Long time no see."
"Seven years, really long."
"Listen, I want to give you a tix,"
But we will take many photos tonight...
"And I don't think you will fit."
Send that crap! Send now!
Send that nonsense now!
I jump on stage!
I ran to the club, jumped on stage...
I don't even know what I said.
I'm like, "Fuck. Good night!"
Out! I go to the airport.
We go from New York, Chicago, Nashville, LA.
I took the Toyota Camry LE.
Never forget about that. Interior fabrics forever.
Drive on LA road.
"Hello, how are you, the main star? What do you need?"
"Hasan, bhai, go home. Dad has a heart attack."
"Hey, stupid, pick up your phone!"
"I need you, Dad has a heart attack!"
My father has just experienced the fifth heart bypass.
So they rushed took him to the hospital.
Aisha says, "Go home now."
I said, "I have an schedule on the Comedy Store."
"I'll come there, then I'll go home."
Then I come and appear on Comedy Store.
After that I go home.
And for some reason...
I went to Kaiser and went upstairs. My mother and sister cry.
My sister looked at me, she responded. He said,
"They don't know what you are doing. But I know."
The doctor sees me, "Are you his son? Yes."
"Your age is over 18? Sign this."
I sign a letter release statement.
Which frees up home responsibilities is sick if something happens to my father.
The operation is risky.
I signed a sheet of this paper and looked at it And I feel like is signing a death certificate.
His body temperature is very low until he looks so blue.
They took him to the operating room then I handed the document to the doctor.
For a moment I looked at my father,
And thinking, "If this is the last time I meet my father..."
"... I will say goodbye to people I barely know."
And I wait, hoping he gets out of the operation safely.
And he passed it.
We are in the hospital. I have to tell him.
So I told him about my life, He told me about his life.
So I tell him the story of the dance.
He said, "Hasan, I'm mad at you."
"I know, I kiss a girl. I won't do it again."
He said, "No. Why did you not forgive Bethany?"
He wants to be a bigger person.
I said, "Why?"
"Come on, Hasan, you're when daddy emigrated to this country in 1982,"
Everything I see on TV, I think if I let you go...
... to school dance, you will join the gang,
Makes a girl pregnant and becomes a city drugs with just one night.
So I just want to protect you.
His family also saw news about us.
They want to protect their daughter.
We are afraid of them, they are afraid of us. Everyone is scared of each other...
Submitted by: www.subtitlecinema.com
"Hasan, you have to be brave."
Your courage to do the right thing must be bigger than your fear.
"So, Hasan, dare. Hasan, dare."
This is a very beautiful poem. I always think about it.
Look, there are a few days where I can forgive that person.
The past is the past.
"Settings, delete history," is over.
Another day, "No, fuck it."
"This is House of Cards. Destroy our enemies."
continuously. I don't know what it's like, until now.
Pizza Hut, the biggest slice of pizza has come.
Get nine boxes only 10 dollars.
Ten dollars
Match in three ways.
Three? Cheese!
Big chunk section only at your Pizza Hut.
And that's how you do it make it great.
OK, so...
It is displayed during March Madness.
Everyone sees it. On this night it aired,
Friends send me a message. "Hey, friend,"
"Do you know how many pieces of pizza you get in the box..."
"... with only 10 dollars?"
"Nine!"
"Can you really mix and adjust in three ways?"
"Yes, three. Yes!"
A friend of mine sent me this screen photo.
"I just saw a party date my high school dance at a Pizza Hut ad."
Tagar, past. Tagar, This is a small world.
Tagar, brilliant.
And I reply...
"We haven't ended yet."
"How are you doing?"
Tagar, MrP. Tagar, Calk.
Then he replied,
"I know! Make a tweet that is better."
"Tell me when you're in New York."
What I reply,
"Of course."
Now, contrary to the suggestion my therapist, I open Facebook,
Because he has a public profile. And it's wrong
So I started searching. "Bethany Reed." OK.
"Living in Manhattan." We know that!
"In a relationship with..." I clicked it.
"Rajesh Rengatramanajanana..."
He dated Indians,
And this person is really the real Indian.
Gosh! Look at the name!
Look at how long it is .
It is very long, until almost does not fit in its Facebook profile.
So long. Ten syllables.
Ra-jesh Ren-gat-ra-ma-na-nam-na-nam.
Are you kidding me? How many letters in the alphabet?
26 letters in the alphabet, right?
How many letters in Rajesh Rengatramanajananam? 25.
Only less than one letter for becomes a unified alphabet.
Come on! How easy is my name? Hasan Minhaj. So easy.
He is like, "Fuck that. Give me Rengatramanajananam!"
Give me Rajesh Rengatramana...
"Fuck it."
"No!" God laughs at me. God laughs at me.
Now, contrary to with the advice of my therapist...
I make contact.
He said, "Don't contact!" I said, "Hey!"
"I paid you to hear my words."
He said, "You need closure. Do it.
Thank you, Jannet. We meet next week."
Therapy is nonsense.
"Bethany, I have an performance in New York next week."
I do it! "I really want to meet."
He is like, "Yeah, let's meet."
Then I go from LA to New York, direct flights.
With money from Pizza Hut. I walk through New York.
I'm angry. I am annoyed.
How is this possible?
Rajesh Rengatramana...
How did she make love to this person?
"Yes, Lord, Rajesh Rengatramanajananam,"
"Give it to me now."
"Rajesh Rengatramanajananam, I really want you."
"Put Rajesh in my Rengatramanajananam."
OK, "Stop that."
Stop imagining him...
... make love to Rajesh Rengatramanajananam.
You have a profit.
Come there there, keep calm. Come there, be confident.
Be like this, man. Come there and conquer.
Like this...
"How are you?"
Do that with this, then lick your lips, "how are you?"
Yes, I have trained it.
I arrived at the door then opened the door,
Then I heard, "Hey, Hasan!"
He sits outside.
He sees me doing this nonsense on the road.
I'm like, "Hey, how are you?"
Is there someone sitting there? OK.
I came there and said, "Okay, yes."
"I'll sit here, no problem."
I sit there.
You know when you meet someone from your past,
Then suddenly, you come back feel like that again.
So all Kanye's movements just disappear from my body.
I sit there and can't say anything.
It's like an adult at Charlie Brown.
I can't say anything. 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 40 minutes.
"Dude, will you be to be darapok again?"
"Say something."
He starts talking about controls rent and I cut it.
I said, "Bethany, you know why am I here?"
"I'm here to talk about dance parties."
And his face turns white.
You know he's white, & isn't he? But this is even whiter.
I said, "you know my situation. you know that!"
I go forward and sacrifice for you. At that age, it's very big.
You are not the same for me, no problem. Whatever.
But that makes the state worse,
You've crucified me socially before everyone.
You know how that is difficult for me,
Then I feel very unsafe at that age,
Until I can't date with other white people,
Because I'm with them, but can't then be with them.
Because something I can't control is the color of my skin.
Do you know what it feels like?
And now, I try chasing my dream,
I'm trying...
But now you write about me, you act like there's no problem,
Meanwhile it's not true.
"Why did you do that?"
And he's like, "I'm really sorry."
"But you know we were 18 years old, right?"
"I really want to go with you."
"But my mother, she is very controlling."
"You know how it feels have parents..."
"... who controls every aspect of your life?"
"No, I don't, like what? I want to hear that story."
"Tell me more."
What?
He is like, "I hope can go with you."
"But I can't change the past."
"I don't think you want talk to me again."
"But the reason why I wrote about you,"
"It's because I saw you keep your promise."
"So if you don't want to talk to me again,"
"I will always support you."
You know how you save hatred of your heart like this...
To people from your past?
"They did this to me, Fuck them."
"Gosh."
At that time, I let go.
I destroy it like Voldemort Horcrux.
But I have to ask him, the question we all think about.
"What about Mr. Rengatramanajananam?"
"How is that possible?"
He said, "When going to New York and meeting him,"
"We started dating and decided to stay together."
"But I need money to deposit, so I call my mother."
"What did your mother say?"
He said, "No. I won't help you."
"You know how our family is."
"So round your mind."
And I'm like, "What are you saying?"
It's said, "I told my mother, No more!"
"This isn't high school anymore. Raj is a good person, so am I."
"So I will be with him, because this is the right thing."
"I hope you too round your mind."
Then I look at it,
And I'm very embarrassed.
I'm like, "Dude, what are you doing?"
Why are you chasing people from time Your past is like a psychopath?
"You're not Liam Neeson. What is happening?"
Then I realized, "you don't care about this person."
I care about what he represents.
Growing up, we just want to sign it.
To say that you are good enough. Sign it.
"Sit here, you're pretty good." But that is not an American dream.
This is not asking for a sign companion hand.
It's the same as every generation before you.
You declare it yourself. That is your own thing.
"Pizza Hut pieces of pizza. 9 boxes, only for 10 dollars."
That's you. You did it yourself.
You're not Hasan Minhaj. You are "Hussan Minhajj".
This is just American chocolate. The dream you have to take.
Then take it. Stop blaming others.
Now I stand outside the restaurant and I can't even concentrate,
Because I know he is more developing than me.
He said, "Next time you be in New York,"
Let's gather with Raj. "Yes, don't do that."
Then I walk to the station subway.
But I saw for the last time to the restaurant.
Only to see him the last time.
To know that generation changes are possible with one choice.
I turn and look,
But he's gone
And I never saw it again.
I did keep my promise. you know, I keep on doing comedy.
I never knew...
I never knew if I would do anything more than Pizza Hut.
You know how you reached a point in your career...
... when your parents gave up on you and gave it to the next child?
"Okay, let's try give it to Aisha."
Then one day I got an email from my manager.
"Hey, want to audition for The Daily Show" Question mark.
That is not an email question mark. But email statement.
Like, "Hey, Pizza Hut, audition for" The Daily Show " So I sent a recording. I got a phone call.
Said," hey, Jon Stewart heard your record. Come to New York. "
" They want you to audition. But... "
You have to write other original works.
" Can you write an original story again? " I said," No, I can't. What?
I can't make popular works 2 times in a row. I'm not Larry David.
"I can't do Seinfeld and Curb."
"I'm just an ordinary human."
I walk back and forth in my apartment,
I looked at the mattress and thought, "I will die here."
And it's amazing how racism will always happen to you...
... when you really need it.
Like changing your car's oil. "15,000 miles, Racism."
So I watched the program called "Real Time With Bill Maher."
Have you seen it before? "Real Time With Bill Maher"?
you know Bill's attitude, & apos; right? He's like,
"Hey, do you believe in God? Damn fool!"
And everyone is like, "The prophet atheist speaks!"
Remember the video that became viral, he and Ben Affleck.
Bill Maher said, "I don't know, man, These Muslims..."
"85% of them hate our freedom."
"We must collect them, we must accommodate them."
"We have to find ways to hold them back."
And Ben Affleck said, "Are you crazy? Gather, hold them back?"
Dude, we do that to Japanese.
"You can't do that to others. Am I crazy?"
Then I say, "No, you're not crazy."
"You are my White Prince."
Don't you realize what happened at that time?
We get class A celebrities...
... to support Muslim community.
We have Batman, honey!
"He may not be the hero we want,"
"But he is a hero that the Muslim world needs."
Then I think, that's the theme! "Batman against Bill Maher."
I wrote the material, went to New York.
Directly come to his office. You understand. & apos; right?
The producer who opened the door and said, "Come in, start auditioning with me."
If you are ready, Jon will go down. Understand?
"So come with me."
"We walked down the hall The Daily Show."
And I saw all the old photos of the correspondents in front of me.
Steve Carell, John Oliver,
Sam Bee, Jason Jones,
Ed Helms, Steven Colbert...
And me?
Keema bread, me?
Come on, you know we can't do it so far. you know how.
Middle management until we die.
We will never be able to be on that stage forever.
I went into the studio, and I saw the blue globe of the Daily Show.
I am even confused to explain how blue it is.
And now my coat starts to sweat.
The producer said, "Sit with me and we will practice several times."
Then I sit down and I arrive at the desk.
The sitting president sits at the table.
I sat down and we tried for the first time, and I was nervous.
He said, "Hey, man, just slowly, understand?"
We try the second one. Now I stutter.
And he said, "Hey, man. Calm down. You're funny."
It's almost the same as someone said, "Hey, man, you're not funny."
"You shouldn't be feeling calm."
Then I can feel it. I choke. We've all experienced it.
Everyone says, "Hey, man, how?" Or like, "Think positive."
No, that doesn't happen. That is not true. You choke
MCAT, DAT, you will go to the Caribbean, pack it!
You choke. Too real? This is real. We have experienced that before.
And I thought, "Gosh."
It feels like a tortoise comes out of my butt.
I'm really nervous. I urinate in my pants. I thought, "No!"
Then we will try for the third. Then I hear...
I know that voice. That is the Jewish Yoda. That's Jon.
He walked through the tunnel where the guests came,
And the lamp has just been turned on.
So I just saw a shadow of a giant walking towards me,
And I can hear the achievements at every step.
Like, "Out! I'm Jon Stewart."
"Out! Two Emmy winners, Jon Stewart."
"Boom! I redefine satirical and comedy politics."
"What have you done?"
I'm like, "I don't know. Have you ever heard about Pizza Hut?"
Then he stepped into the light,
And he's shorter than I thought.
And he has a lot of acne spots on his face.
And I look at it, and I like...
"Dad?"
As if he has a Najmi vibe. He shook my hand.
I can feel it because he once slapped me in his previous life.
I'm like, "I know this hand!"
We sit there, He starts riffing, I start riffing.
The prompter manager says, "" What are you doing? "
I said," I can do this telepromter officer. "
I remember everything in my head. One time take, 8 miles.
And I hold my landing like a Russian gymnastics athlete.
"Thank you for the opportunity."
I tucked the tortoise's head into my ass. "We will go home."
I walk out the door, but then I hear a voice.
"Hey, man, where are you going?"
And that's Jon.
I'm like, "I live in LA."
"I have to go back to LA."
"We meet on Monday, & apos; right?"
I'm like, "Why?"
"You work here."
"So we will meet Monday, & apos; right?"
I can't believe it. I'm like, "It's time for an Oscar!"
Say what you have to say!
What I want to say is,
"Jon, this is the only thing I have..."
... from my entire career...
"... the truth is is known to my father."
"So, thanks."
But what I say at that time,
"Jon!"
My father...
"Get to know you!"
He said, "Yes, I'm sure of that." Okay, see you Monday.
He walked away... Then I pinched myself.
You are Hasan Minhaj! You will appear on the "Daily Show."
I ran out like crazy New Yorkers.
I contacted my lover, she cried.
I contacted my mother, she cried.
I contact my father, he said, "good work."
"What? Good work? Tell me again. I can't hear you, Dad!"
"Say!" I was almost hit by a car!
I'm like, "No, I can't die!"
"I have to send the latest status which is very large" I ran up, opened my laptop and opened Facebook,
Then then I see this.
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You see this, & apos; right?
Do you know what this means?
Do you understand?
I am a bidder for racism.
I cure it.
Well, maybe I don't heal it,
But everyone has a big goal in life.
Like those who try to find a cure for cancer,
Or find a vaccine for Ebola.
My life is certain proof, even though your skin is brown,
You have to lock your target!
Thank you.
Good night. Take care of yourself. God bless.
I love you. Good night.
I love you!
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