1 00:02:13,716 --> 00:02:16,052 Fuck Wolverine. 2 00:02:17,178 --> 00:02:19,764 First, he rides my coattails with the R rating. 3 00:02:19,889 --> 00:02:23,934 Then the hairy motherfucker ups the ante by dying. 4 00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:26,062 What a dick. 5 00:02:26,562 --> 00:02:28,356 Well, guess what, Wolvie? 6 00:02:28,814 --> 00:02:30,733 I'm dying in this one, too. 7 00:02:34,403 --> 00:02:36,739 To understand why I took a cat-nap 8 00:02:36,822 --> 00:02:38,908 on 1,200 gallons of high-test fuel... 9 00:02:38,991 --> 00:02:40,284 I need to take you back 10 00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:42,703 to the dewy slopes of 6 weeks ago. 11 00:02:42,828 --> 00:02:44,080 I'd gone international, 12 00:02:44,163 --> 00:02:46,123 taking out mass murderers, gangsters, 13 00:02:46,207 --> 00:02:47,583 unspeakable monsters. 14 00:02:47,958 --> 00:02:50,670 People nobody would touch. Except me. 15 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,838 I'm gonna touch them all over. 16 00:02:56,550 --> 00:02:58,427 Hey, it's Gail calling. 17 00:02:58,511 --> 00:02:59,595 Love the shiny suit. 18 00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:00,680 Really brings out 19 00:03:00,763 --> 00:03:02,306 the sex trafficker in your eyes. 20 00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:04,558 Whatever they're paying, I'll double it. 21 00:03:04,725 --> 00:03:07,770 I don't speak Cantonese, Mister... 22 00:03:08,729 --> 00:03:10,815 Well, I'm not even gonna attempt that. 23 00:03:10,898 --> 00:03:13,526 But I did take 8th grade Spanish, so... 24 00:03:13,651 --> 00:03:15,695 Where is the library? 25 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:17,822 Which literally translates to... 26 00:03:18,614 --> 00:03:21,242 I don't bargain, pumpkin fucker. 27 00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:34,130 Oh. Oh, this isn't Gilbert's. 28 00:03:34,213 --> 00:03:35,423 I am so sorry. 29 00:03:35,506 --> 00:03:37,091 I thought this was an anal-bleaching party. 30 00:03:59,697 --> 00:04:01,157 Don't worry. You're not going to die. 31 00:04:01,615 --> 00:04:03,659 Although these will kill you. 32 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:04,744 Hit it, Dolly. 33 00:04:25,264 --> 00:04:26,640 I'm merely a vessel for the Lord. 34 00:04:37,902 --> 00:04:40,488 Taking the hands out of the guns of the criminals! 35 00:04:47,995 --> 00:04:50,539 Whoo! Do not go in there! 36 00:04:57,254 --> 00:04:59,340 Let's see Captain America do that. 37 00:05:08,307 --> 00:05:09,809 Too exotic? 38 00:05:32,164 --> 00:05:33,499 I don't bargain. 39 00:06:31,974 --> 00:06:34,894 Oh, God! Oh, God, time out! Time out! 40 00:06:34,977 --> 00:06:38,480 Cut. I've got bad guy blood, right in my open eye. 41 00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:40,316 Oh, that's so gross. 42 00:06:41,692 --> 00:06:42,735 Fuck. 43 00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:45,738 Looks like you left a little landing strip there. 44 00:06:45,821 --> 00:06:46,864 I like it. 45 00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:53,621 Oh, man! 46 00:06:57,958 --> 00:06:59,877 My world tour brought me home 47 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,296 to this guy, Sergei Valishnikov. 48 00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:03,923 But we'll get to him in a moment. 49 00:07:04,006 --> 00:07:05,341 'Cause I know what you're thinking. 50 00:07:05,424 --> 00:07:08,218 "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home." 51 00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:09,553 But that's where you'd be wrong. 52 00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:12,681 That babysitter of yours is high as fuck right now... 53 00:07:12,806 --> 00:07:17,061 and, believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film. 54 00:07:17,144 --> 00:07:18,187 True story. 55 00:07:18,270 --> 00:07:22,149 And every good family film starts with a vicious murder. 56 00:07:22,232 --> 00:07:25,277 Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7. 57 00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:28,614 Holy shit pickles! That guy's on fire. 58 00:07:28,697 --> 00:07:31,575 That's not CGI, folks. He's actually on fire. 59 00:07:31,659 --> 00:07:34,995 Yeah. You know I get paid to take out bad guys, right? 60 00:07:35,079 --> 00:07:36,163 But this guy? 61 00:07:36,246 --> 00:07:38,332 He was one of the worst of 'em. 62 00:07:41,001 --> 00:07:42,503 Hurry up and open this fucking door, 63 00:07:42,586 --> 00:07:43,671 and let's kill this motherfucker! 64 00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,429 Ugh. So gross. 65 00:07:52,888 --> 00:07:55,265 A panic room? Really? 66 00:07:55,766 --> 00:07:57,935 Can you come out? 67 00:07:58,018 --> 00:08:01,105 I really have to go. It's my anniversary. 68 00:08:07,027 --> 00:08:08,320 Over and over, I hear people say, 69 00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:09,863 "l just don't have enough confidence." 70 00:08:09,947 --> 00:08:12,116 Listen, confidence is not something you have. 71 00:08:12,199 --> 00:08:13,450 It's something you create. 72 00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:15,536 And you can create it at any moment in time. 73 00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:17,329 A sense of confidence is nothing 74 00:08:17,413 --> 00:08:18,706 but a sense of power within yourself... 75 00:08:18,789 --> 00:08:20,666 a sense of certainty that you can pull something off. 76 00:08:20,749 --> 00:08:22,793 Start the fucking car! 77 00:08:22,876 --> 00:08:23,961 Dopinder! 78 00:08:24,044 --> 00:08:25,587 Start the fucking car! 79 00:08:30,259 --> 00:08:32,594 Shoot that motherfucker! Shoot him! 80 00:08:32,803 --> 00:08:34,304 Whoo! Oh, I shit my pants. 81 00:08:34,388 --> 00:08:36,724 Actually, that may have been me. 82 00:08:36,807 --> 00:08:38,017 Oh, mission accomplished? 83 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:40,185 Oh, in a George W. sort of way. 84 00:08:40,269 --> 00:08:41,937 Fucker can't stay in a panic room forever. 85 00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:43,439 Oh, you're living the dreams, DP. 86 00:08:43,522 --> 00:08:45,649 It has been quite the run, Dopinder, 87 00:08:45,733 --> 00:08:46,942 and who'da thought? 88 00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:49,069 Now I'm talked about in the same sentence as Jesus. 89 00:08:49,570 --> 00:08:51,405 Passion of the Christ, then me. 90 00:08:51,488 --> 00:08:52,698 At least domestically. 91 00:08:52,781 --> 00:08:53,949 We beat them overseas, 92 00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:55,993 where there's no such thing as religion. 93 00:08:56,076 --> 00:08:58,245 I do want to live the dreams, Pool Boy. 94 00:08:58,328 --> 00:09:00,622 Taxiing is not as sexy as it looks. 95 00:09:00,748 --> 00:09:02,499 I want to fill my... Pockets? 96 00:09:02,583 --> 00:09:05,753 What's your poison? A little, uh, cokey cokey? 97 00:09:05,836 --> 00:09:07,129 Can't maintain an erection 98 00:09:07,212 --> 00:09:08,630 without buying shoes online? 99 00:09:08,797 --> 00:09:10,716 I've never experienced that last one. 100 00:09:10,799 --> 00:09:12,009 Talk to me, Goose. 101 00:09:12,092 --> 00:09:14,887 I was going to say "soul". l want to fill my soul. 102 00:09:14,970 --> 00:09:17,931 I want to belong to something, like you, Pool, sir. 103 00:09:18,098 --> 00:09:19,600 Dopinder Hmm? 104 00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,935 You never cease to surprise me. 105 00:09:23,270 --> 00:09:26,065 You know, the depth of your heart is extraordinary. 106 00:09:26,148 --> 00:09:27,775 We all need a sense of belonging. 107 00:09:27,858 --> 00:09:29,610 We all need a genuine sense of home. 108 00:09:29,693 --> 00:09:30,778 A place in this world. 109 00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:32,154 I want to become a contract killer. 110 00:09:32,237 --> 00:09:33,739 I'm sorry. What did you say? 111 00:09:34,114 --> 00:09:36,033 Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu 112 00:09:36,116 --> 00:09:37,409 and threatened him with great violence? 113 00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:38,827 You kind of killed him. 114 00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:40,662 And then remember the movie Interview with the Vampire? 115 00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:41,872 Don't want to. 116 00:09:41,955 --> 00:09:42,998 When Tom Cruise fed 117 00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:44,875 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood 118 00:09:44,958 --> 00:09:46,126 for the first time... 119 00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:48,587 and she looked up at his smooth, 120 00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:50,881 handsome face and said... 121 00:09:51,673 --> 00:09:53,425 "l want some more." 122 00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:57,137 Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst. 123 00:09:58,180 --> 00:10:00,182 I'll never not picture that. 124 00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:02,684 But I can't wait to never speak of this, 125 00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:04,144 as soon as possible. 126 00:10:04,853 --> 00:10:07,356 We're here. 127 00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:16,073 Dopinder, it's me again. 128 00:10:16,156 --> 00:10:17,825 Look, a saner man might discourage you 129 00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:19,743 from joining the deadly merc business... 130 00:10:19,827 --> 00:10:21,245 what, with your concave chest 131 00:10:21,328 --> 00:10:22,955 and your paper towel tube arms. 132 00:10:23,038 --> 00:10:24,706 But you're an eagle... 133 00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:26,750 and goddamn it, an eagle's gotta soar. 134 00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:28,168 You gotta grab those dreams, 135 00:10:28,252 --> 00:10:29,837 grab those dreams by the dick tip... 136 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:31,421 and make it rain! 137 00:10:31,505 --> 00:10:33,382 I don't know what that means. 138 00:10:33,465 --> 00:10:35,425 Me neither. 139 00:10:36,009 --> 00:10:37,469 I'm gonna see you... 140 00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:40,139 at the office. 141 00:10:40,722 --> 00:10:41,807 In the sky. 142 00:10:41,890 --> 00:10:42,933 You're my Tom Cruise! 143 00:10:43,016 --> 00:10:44,643 And you're my Kristen Dunst! 144 00:10:44,726 --> 00:10:45,978 Kristen? Kirsten? 145 00:10:51,233 --> 00:10:52,818 Sorry I'm late. 146 00:10:52,901 --> 00:10:54,444 There was a bunch of 147 00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:56,572 handicapable children stuck in a tree... 148 00:10:56,655 --> 00:10:57,906 and I had to, uh... Uh-uh. 149 00:10:58,198 --> 00:11:00,909 You're right. I was fighting a caped badass. 150 00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:03,245 But then we discovered his mom is named Martha, too. 151 00:11:03,370 --> 00:11:05,330 No. You got me. 152 00:11:05,747 --> 00:11:07,499 I was rounding up all the gluten in the world 153 00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:08,750 and launching it into space... 154 00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:10,836 where it can't not hurt us ever again. 155 00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:12,171 Try again. 156 00:11:12,754 --> 00:11:14,173 Diarrhea? 157 00:11:14,339 --> 00:11:15,966 We can't be sure until I get this suit off... 158 00:11:17,050 --> 00:11:19,011 but, uh, all signs point to yes. 159 00:11:20,929 --> 00:11:21,930 Traffic? 160 00:11:22,556 --> 00:11:23,599 Hmm? 161 00:11:24,808 --> 00:11:26,393 Kiss me like you miss me, Red. 162 00:11:26,476 --> 00:11:27,477 Well, come here. 163 00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:40,949 I'm gonna shower and get out of this suit. 164 00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:42,826 Don't you want your surprise? 165 00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:44,745 Do I look like a patient burn victim? 166 00:11:45,537 --> 00:11:46,788 I got one for you, too. 167 00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:49,291 Happy anniversary, baby. 168 00:11:49,458 --> 00:11:51,043 Open, open, open 169 00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:54,379 Skee-Ball token. 170 00:11:54,838 --> 00:11:56,173 Our first date. 171 00:11:56,256 --> 00:11:57,507 Yup. 172 00:11:57,883 --> 00:12:00,552 That's genuine, high-grade lead. 173 00:12:03,430 --> 00:12:05,349 I'll keep it forever. 174 00:12:05,807 --> 00:12:07,226 Thank you, baby. 175 00:12:08,852 --> 00:12:10,562 Open yours. All right, all right. 176 00:12:11,438 --> 00:12:12,773 Oh... 177 00:12:14,149 --> 00:12:15,984 That's just the most beautiful thing that I've... 178 00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:17,402 I don't know what this is. 179 00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:18,987 My mo. 180 00:12:19,363 --> 00:12:20,364 A bomb? 181 00:12:20,447 --> 00:12:23,242 No, dick for brains. My birth control device. 182 00:12:23,742 --> 00:12:24,785 What, you mean that your... 183 00:12:24,868 --> 00:12:26,578 Baby factory's open for business. 184 00:12:26,662 --> 00:12:27,746 Oh, my God! 185 00:12:27,996 --> 00:12:31,208 Oh, my God! l want a boy! 186 00:12:31,291 --> 00:12:34,127 Or a little girl! Definitely one or the other! 187 00:12:34,419 --> 00:12:37,214 Oh! And I want our kid to have only one name. 188 00:12:37,798 --> 00:12:40,342 Like Cher or Todd. 189 00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:42,844 You gotta pump a baby in me first, cowboy. 190 00:12:42,928 --> 00:12:43,929 Yes, I do. 191 00:12:44,012 --> 00:12:45,764 Let's watch some porn and show that bed who's boss. 192 00:12:45,847 --> 00:12:46,848 Let's do that. 193 00:12:48,058 --> 00:12:49,518 Papa... 194 00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:52,396 Can you hear me? 195 00:12:53,855 --> 00:12:56,191 Papa, can you see me? 196 00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:58,777 Does this song sound familiar to you? 197 00:13:01,071 --> 00:13:02,531 May. 198 00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:06,994 Connor, if it's a boy. May, if it's a girl. 199 00:13:09,663 --> 00:13:12,040 So weird. 200 00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:14,543 Family was always an F-word to me. 201 00:13:16,044 --> 00:13:19,256 My pile of shit father took off and bailed. 202 00:13:20,424 --> 00:13:22,634 I mean, it's not like I have a lot of strong role models 203 00:13:22,718 --> 00:13:24,428 to draw off of for Todd. 204 00:13:25,595 --> 00:13:28,223 Hey. Look at me. 205 00:13:29,391 --> 00:13:31,560 You are not your father. 206 00:13:33,270 --> 00:13:34,688 Besides... 207 00:13:34,771 --> 00:13:39,484 l will never, ever let our child be named Todd. 208 00:13:40,485 --> 00:13:41,486 But here's the thing, 209 00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:43,113 isn't that how it always works? 210 00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:44,948 Like in Star Wars, 211 00:13:45,032 --> 00:13:47,075 men are destined to become their father... 212 00:13:47,784 --> 00:13:50,829 and then have consensual sex with their sister? 213 00:13:50,912 --> 00:13:53,332 I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie. 214 00:13:54,249 --> 00:13:56,460 No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her. 215 00:13:56,543 --> 00:13:58,170 Baby, that's Empire. 216 00:13:58,670 --> 00:14:01,256 The point is, kids... 217 00:14:02,758 --> 00:14:05,385 they give us a chance to be better than we are. 218 00:14:06,219 --> 00:14:08,347 Better than we used to be. 219 00:14:08,930 --> 00:14:11,433 You're a lot smarter than I look. 220 00:14:12,476 --> 00:14:13,852 I'm gonna go make dessert. 221 00:14:14,186 --> 00:14:17,314 You get the strap-on. Let's make a super baby. 222 00:14:18,690 --> 00:14:20,942 Pretty sure it doesn't work that way, but we can try. 223 00:14:22,110 --> 00:14:25,572 What about Krystal? But with a "K"? 224 00:14:25,655 --> 00:14:27,574 It's too stripper-y. 225 00:14:27,657 --> 00:14:29,159 Kevin with a "K"! 226 00:14:29,242 --> 00:14:31,328 No, too stripper-y, too. 227 00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:33,497 Uh, Earl! 228 00:14:33,872 --> 00:14:36,166 He's gonna go straight to jail 229 00:14:36,249 --> 00:14:38,043 if we name him Earl. 230 00:14:38,502 --> 00:14:40,379 What about Bruce? 231 00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:42,547 No. 232 00:14:42,881 --> 00:14:43,882 Get down. 233 00:14:43,965 --> 00:14:45,342 What? 234 00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:15,997 Baby? Baby? 235 00:15:19,584 --> 00:15:20,669 I'm okay. 236 00:15:21,336 --> 00:15:23,839 Thank God I didn't have to use the cream cheese spreader. 237 00:15:58,582 --> 00:15:59,875 Please. 238 00:16:04,963 --> 00:16:06,756 Please. Please. 239 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,885 Baby, I'm so sorry. 240 00:16:10,051 --> 00:16:13,847 No! 241 00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:21,076 Papa, can you hear me? 242 00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:23,536 ls it just me, or does 243 00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:25,372 Do you want to build a snowman? from Frozen... 244 00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:26,706 sound suspiciously like 245 00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:28,708 Papa, Can you hear me? from Yenti? 246 00:19:30,126 --> 00:19:32,253 Papa, can you hear me? 247 00:19:34,047 --> 00:19:36,591 And nobody fucking realizes it. 248 00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:38,218 Wade, you gotta go home. 249 00:19:38,301 --> 00:19:40,887 You've been sitting here for 3 days, okay? 250 00:19:41,096 --> 00:19:44,641 You smell like sauerkraut left in the warm rain. 251 00:19:44,808 --> 00:19:47,102 Like wet garbage in hot urine. 252 00:19:47,185 --> 00:19:49,312 You smell like a dog ate kitty litter... 253 00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:51,398 and then farted his way out of the living room. 254 00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:53,274 I mean, like Rush Limbaugh's 255 00:19:53,358 --> 00:19:54,901 couch cushions after Shark Week. 256 00:19:55,235 --> 00:19:56,611 I love Frozen. 257 00:19:56,986 --> 00:20:00,198 I loved her. I loved her like an ocean loves water. 258 00:20:00,615 --> 00:20:01,700 An ocean is water. 259 00:20:01,783 --> 00:20:06,454 More importantly, I liked her. I really liked her, you know? 260 00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:08,081 George Michael was right. 261 00:20:08,164 --> 00:20:09,999 I'm never gonna dance again. Fuck! 262 00:20:10,583 --> 00:20:11,584 He's dead, too. 263 00:20:12,752 --> 00:20:14,087 At least we still have Bowie. 264 00:20:14,170 --> 00:20:15,839 Oh, Mr. Pool. David Bowie is... 265 00:20:15,922 --> 00:20:16,923 Uh, uh, uh... 266 00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:18,383 still with us. 267 00:20:18,466 --> 00:20:21,344 We do. We'll always have Bowie. 268 00:20:21,928 --> 00:20:22,929 I'm sorry. 269 00:20:23,054 --> 00:20:24,305 Shot after shot, 270 00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:26,307 it's not gonna change the fact that I think you're... 271 00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:27,976 Are you pissing? Are you urinating right now? 272 00:20:28,059 --> 00:20:30,812 You're making the face that you make when you urinate. 273 00:20:30,979 --> 00:20:32,439 Is he pissing? I'm on it! 274 00:20:32,605 --> 00:20:34,065 There you go, Dopinder. 275 00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:36,151 If you want to be a contract killer... 276 00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:38,737 you gotta handle a mop before you handle a gun. 277 00:20:38,820 --> 00:20:39,821 Although I don't quite understand 278 00:20:39,904 --> 00:20:41,114 how they are at all similar. 279 00:20:41,197 --> 00:20:43,575 'Cause I could shove either one up your ass and kill you. 280 00:20:43,658 --> 00:20:44,743 Now, leave me. 281 00:20:44,826 --> 00:20:45,827 I get it. 282 00:20:46,369 --> 00:20:47,912 Go home, Wade. 283 00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:50,373 I don't have a home, Weas, you know. I got a... 284 00:20:51,791 --> 00:20:53,168 Okay, I'm fine. 285 00:20:53,251 --> 00:20:54,252 I'm fine. 286 00:20:54,335 --> 00:20:56,212 You know what "fine" stands for, Wade? 287 00:20:56,296 --> 00:20:59,632 Fucked up, insecure, needy, and emotional. 288 00:21:00,049 --> 00:21:01,301 According to the... 289 00:21:02,635 --> 00:21:03,803 Kubler-Ross. Yeah. 290 00:21:04,137 --> 00:21:05,930 According to the Kubler-Ross model... 291 00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:08,767 denial is just one of the 5 stages of grief. 292 00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:10,810 Jesus Christ, Buck! 293 00:21:11,269 --> 00:21:13,188 No more speaking lines for you. 294 00:21:21,821 --> 00:21:24,157 Hey, bud. Bud. 295 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,034 Huh? Got a match? 296 00:21:26,367 --> 00:21:27,368 Match? 297 00:21:27,911 --> 00:21:29,245 Yes, I have one right here. 298 00:21:29,329 --> 00:21:30,705 Don't make a move. This is a stick-up. 299 00:21:30,830 --> 00:21:32,540 What? You heard me. 300 00:21:32,624 --> 00:21:34,626 Mister, Mister, put down that gun. 301 00:21:34,709 --> 00:21:37,295 Shut up. Now, come on. Your money or your life? 302 00:21:45,512 --> 00:21:49,140 Look, bud. I said, "Your money or your life." 303 00:21:49,307 --> 00:21:50,308 "l'm thinking it over!" 304 00:21:50,642 --> 00:21:51,976 Motherfuck! 305 00:21:52,060 --> 00:21:53,144 Fuck! 306 00:21:56,105 --> 00:21:57,565 The hell you doin' here? 307 00:21:57,649 --> 00:21:59,067 Don't you know how to knock? 308 00:21:59,776 --> 00:22:01,653 I thought you saw me... 309 00:22:01,736 --> 00:22:03,071 with your ears. 310 00:22:03,321 --> 00:22:04,322 You're lucky I didn't shoot you in the... 311 00:22:04,405 --> 00:22:05,406 The wall? 312 00:22:05,490 --> 00:22:08,868 The refrigerator? I'm in so much pain. 313 00:22:11,663 --> 00:22:13,248 I heard the news, sweetie. 314 00:22:13,331 --> 00:22:15,083 I'm very sorry. lam. 315 00:22:15,458 --> 00:22:16,918 What am I gonna do, Al? 316 00:22:17,418 --> 00:22:19,128 Probably something terrible. 317 00:22:20,296 --> 00:22:21,548 Knowing you. 318 00:22:21,714 --> 00:22:23,258 It was my fault. 319 00:22:24,467 --> 00:22:26,344 I fucking did this. 320 00:22:27,220 --> 00:22:29,013 And all I wanna do is grab her and see her 321 00:22:29,097 --> 00:22:31,099 and tell her that I'm sorry, and I can't. 322 00:22:33,059 --> 00:22:34,686 She's gone. 323 00:22:34,769 --> 00:22:38,189 Sweetheart, can you speak up? 324 00:22:38,606 --> 00:22:39,816 It's a little hard to hear you 325 00:22:39,899 --> 00:22:41,568 with that pity dick in your mouth. 326 00:22:41,651 --> 00:22:44,654 Now, look, sugar. You need to just keep living. 327 00:22:44,737 --> 00:22:45,738 Thank you... 328 00:22:45,822 --> 00:22:49,033 Matthew McConaughey, your words are a treasure. 329 00:22:49,117 --> 00:22:51,160 Listen to the pain. 330 00:22:51,244 --> 00:22:53,955 It's both history teacher and fortune teller. 331 00:22:54,038 --> 00:22:56,916 Pain teaches us who we are, Wade. 332 00:22:57,709 --> 00:23:00,962 Sometimes, it's so bad, we feel like we're dying. 333 00:23:01,629 --> 00:23:04,340 But we can't really live till we've died a little, can we? 334 00:23:06,843 --> 00:23:08,052 Wade? 335 00:23:10,513 --> 00:23:12,432 Wade? I'm right here, Althea. 336 00:23:12,724 --> 00:23:15,310 And that is the most beautiful thing 337 00:23:15,393 --> 00:23:16,603 I've ever heard. 338 00:23:17,353 --> 00:23:18,897 And you're absolutely right. 339 00:23:22,734 --> 00:23:25,111 I'm about to do something terrible. 340 00:23:31,159 --> 00:23:32,452 Precious, aren't they? 341 00:23:33,286 --> 00:23:34,662 Whoa! 342 00:23:34,746 --> 00:23:36,164 Are you a superhero? 343 00:23:36,247 --> 00:23:37,874 Fucking A, sweetie. 344 00:23:37,957 --> 00:23:39,500 What's your name? 345 00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:41,336 Captain Delicious Pants. 346 00:23:41,419 --> 00:23:43,588 Who's Captain Delicious Pants? 347 00:24:08,947 --> 00:24:10,907 I can't believe he's still alive. 348 00:24:10,990 --> 00:24:13,493 I can't believe you left the house in that shirt. 349 00:24:14,953 --> 00:24:16,871 There's gotta be some way to die. 350 00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:18,957 I just need to die harder. 351 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:20,166 Trademark Fox. 352 00:24:20,333 --> 00:24:21,334 Y'all caught up now? 353 00:24:34,597 --> 00:24:36,182 Open for business. 354 00:24:40,103 --> 00:24:41,854 Your crazy matches my crazy. 355 00:24:42,271 --> 00:24:44,315 I will never, ever let our child be named Todd. 356 00:24:44,482 --> 00:24:45,566 Skee-Ball token. 357 00:24:45,650 --> 00:24:46,734 You're a lot smarter than I look. 358 00:24:52,949 --> 00:24:53,992 About why we're so good together. 359 00:24:54,075 --> 00:24:55,410 l love you, Wade Wilson. 360 00:24:58,079 --> 00:24:59,497 Ness? 361 00:25:00,957 --> 00:25:02,083 Ness? 362 00:25:02,917 --> 00:25:03,918 Ness. 363 00:25:04,544 --> 00:25:07,213 Ness, there's something here. I can't get to you. 364 00:25:08,923 --> 00:25:11,009 Your heart's not in the right place. 365 00:25:11,509 --> 00:25:13,344 Wait, hold on. What? 366 00:25:14,178 --> 00:25:16,264 Your heart's not in the right place. 367 00:25:16,347 --> 00:25:17,390 Wait. What do you mean 368 00:25:17,473 --> 00:25:18,725 my heart's not in the right place? What does it... 369 00:25:38,953 --> 00:25:41,497 I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Wade. 370 00:25:41,956 --> 00:25:43,041 You're broken. 371 00:25:43,124 --> 00:25:46,085 Oh, God. I know that voice. 372 00:26:07,148 --> 00:26:08,566 Well, Russell. 373 00:26:08,649 --> 00:26:11,319 I hear you're handy at picking locks. 374 00:26:12,695 --> 00:26:14,864 There will be no need for that here. 375 00:26:14,947 --> 00:26:18,242 There's no locks on our doors, no bars on our windows. 376 00:26:19,619 --> 00:26:21,621 I know what you're thinking. 377 00:26:21,704 --> 00:26:23,790 Why don't the kids just run? 378 00:26:24,415 --> 00:26:26,959 Who would choose to stay in such a place? 379 00:26:27,376 --> 00:26:29,420 You stay because... 380 00:26:29,921 --> 00:26:34,634 deep down inside, you know you're unfit to leave. 381 00:26:38,471 --> 00:26:40,056 Don't worry. 382 00:26:41,224 --> 00:26:42,892 We can fix that. 383 00:26:47,730 --> 00:26:51,484 Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand. 384 00:27:13,464 --> 00:27:15,091 "Heart's in the right place." 385 00:27:15,174 --> 00:27:16,592 "Heart's in the right..." What does that mean? 386 00:27:16,676 --> 00:27:18,553 Take your mask off, Wade. 387 00:27:18,636 --> 00:27:20,221 I wish you'd said "pants". 388 00:27:20,346 --> 00:27:21,556 Let's play a game. 389 00:27:21,639 --> 00:27:24,100 It's called "Adrien Brody or Adam Brody?". 390 00:27:24,183 --> 00:27:26,519 Now, close your eyes and open your mouth. 391 00:27:26,602 --> 00:27:28,437 You don't need to be funny here. 392 00:27:29,021 --> 00:27:30,189 We must talk. 393 00:27:30,314 --> 00:27:32,775 You need fresh start. 394 00:27:32,859 --> 00:27:34,360 Such a glare. 395 00:27:34,443 --> 00:27:36,612 It's like I'm on stage at the Gaiety. 396 00:27:36,779 --> 00:27:39,240 With training, you can be X-Man. 397 00:27:39,407 --> 00:27:41,492 You're wasting your time, Shiny Jesus. 398 00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:42,827 I'm not X-Man material. 399 00:27:42,910 --> 00:27:44,495 Understatement of the year. 400 00:27:44,954 --> 00:27:45,955 Wade, Yukio. 401 00:27:46,414 --> 00:27:47,582 Yukio, Wade. 402 00:27:48,374 --> 00:27:50,459 What in the fuck knuckles is this? 403 00:27:50,543 --> 00:27:52,420 She's my girlfriend, you intolerant shit. 404 00:27:53,212 --> 00:27:55,006 Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox & Friends. 405 00:27:55,089 --> 00:27:56,924 I'm just surprised anyone would date you. 406 00:27:57,008 --> 00:27:59,302 Especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony. 407 00:27:59,677 --> 00:28:01,012 I like this guy. 408 00:28:01,554 --> 00:28:02,847 Give him a chance. 409 00:28:03,681 --> 00:28:04,682 It's great seeing you like this. 410 00:28:04,807 --> 00:28:06,976 Yeah. 411 00:28:07,435 --> 00:28:08,436 Bye, Wade! 412 00:28:08,811 --> 00:28:11,230 Now, some ground rules while under our roof. 413 00:28:11,314 --> 00:28:14,066 "Rule number one. No killing... 414 00:28:14,150 --> 00:28:17,570 "anyone ever, no matter how bad. 415 00:28:17,653 --> 00:28:20,239 "Rule two. Label everything in refrigerator." 416 00:28:20,323 --> 00:28:21,324 Wade? 417 00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:23,284 Wade? 418 00:28:23,492 --> 00:28:25,244 Don't try to chase me. Wade! 419 00:28:25,369 --> 00:28:27,413 I'm not ready to be touched again. 420 00:28:27,496 --> 00:28:29,707 All these old guys on the wall. 421 00:28:29,790 --> 00:28:31,876 Who lives here, Calista Flockhart? 422 00:28:34,086 --> 00:28:36,464 Those were already damaged after they fell there! 423 00:28:37,131 --> 00:28:38,966 What am I supposed to do around here, anyway? 424 00:28:39,050 --> 00:28:41,260 Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings? 425 00:28:41,344 --> 00:28:43,930 And how would I do that exactly? 426 00:28:44,263 --> 00:28:46,682 'Cause where the fuck is everyone? 427 00:28:46,766 --> 00:28:47,850 It's always just you 428 00:28:47,934 --> 00:28:49,268 and Negasonic Teenage Longest Name Ever... 429 00:28:49,352 --> 00:28:50,353 Enough! 430 00:28:50,645 --> 00:28:52,480 I said no touching! 431 00:28:54,232 --> 00:28:56,776 What the fuck? 432 00:28:57,568 --> 00:28:59,695 You'd think the studio would throw us a bone. 433 00:28:59,779 --> 00:29:01,822 One that doesn't end up in my mouth. 434 00:29:02,657 --> 00:29:03,783 The first movie made more money 435 00:29:03,866 --> 00:29:06,160 than the guy who invented pants. 436 00:29:06,244 --> 00:29:08,371 They can't just dust off one of the famous X-Men? 437 00:29:08,454 --> 00:29:10,539 How 'bout that putz with the giant pigeon wings? 438 00:29:10,623 --> 00:29:11,874 What do those do anyway, huh? 439 00:29:11,958 --> 00:29:13,376 Carry him 3 feet off the ground 440 00:29:13,459 --> 00:29:15,378 to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb? 441 00:29:15,586 --> 00:29:17,713 No, no, no! 442 00:29:17,797 --> 00:29:20,466 I am not X-Man material at all. 443 00:29:20,549 --> 00:29:23,177 First off... 444 00:29:23,261 --> 00:29:25,304 I'm not even a virgin. Second and more... 445 00:29:27,515 --> 00:29:28,557 I should have left you 446 00:29:28,641 --> 00:29:30,309 in the self-pitying mess I found you in. 447 00:29:30,393 --> 00:29:33,437 But this is what friends do. They show up! 448 00:29:33,521 --> 00:29:35,189 Not when convenient or easy. 449 00:29:35,564 --> 00:29:38,943 When hard, and you always make it hard. 450 00:29:39,944 --> 00:29:42,363 You are unwell. 451 00:29:42,446 --> 00:29:44,532 I'm sticking my neck out bringing you here. 452 00:29:44,615 --> 00:29:46,450 Wait. One of the assholes 453 00:29:46,534 --> 00:29:48,035 who killed Vanessa got away. 454 00:29:50,621 --> 00:29:52,623 Oh, Jesus Christ! 455 00:29:52,832 --> 00:29:54,667 I thought you were gonna kiss me for a second there. 456 00:29:54,750 --> 00:29:56,627 Please know I wouldn't be able to stop you if you did. 457 00:29:56,711 --> 00:29:58,713 Wade, whoever they are... 458 00:29:58,796 --> 00:30:01,132 we track them down and bring them to justice. 459 00:30:01,716 --> 00:30:03,134 It was me. 460 00:30:05,970 --> 00:30:07,555 I'm the asshole who got away. 461 00:30:08,681 --> 00:30:11,309 I killed every last one of them, except me. 462 00:30:11,851 --> 00:30:13,561 Couldn't kill me. 463 00:30:16,689 --> 00:30:18,691 We were gonna start a family. 464 00:30:20,484 --> 00:30:22,403 We were, uh... 465 00:30:23,696 --> 00:30:25,406 We were gonna be a family. 466 00:30:26,198 --> 00:30:27,199 Wade... 467 00:30:27,366 --> 00:30:30,161 Vanessa is gone. She's not coming back. 468 00:30:31,746 --> 00:30:34,040 This may not be family you want... 469 00:30:34,123 --> 00:30:36,125 but it's family you need. 470 00:30:36,584 --> 00:30:37,835 You have a good heart. 471 00:30:37,918 --> 00:30:39,462 It belongs here where it can grow. 472 00:30:41,255 --> 00:30:42,256 What did you say? 473 00:30:44,300 --> 00:30:45,634 About my heart? 474 00:30:51,057 --> 00:30:53,059 l think I'm in the right place. 475 00:32:00,876 --> 00:32:03,629 l'mma tell you what the big lie is. 476 00:32:03,712 --> 00:32:05,297 Toilet paper. 477 00:32:05,381 --> 00:32:06,757 What's so bad about toilet paper? 478 00:32:06,841 --> 00:32:08,008 Gets the job done. 479 00:32:08,092 --> 00:32:10,928 Does it really get the job done? 480 00:32:11,011 --> 00:32:13,180 All right. Say you wake up tomorrow morning... 481 00:32:13,264 --> 00:32:17,935 and, hypothetically, find some fresh shit on your face. 482 00:32:18,018 --> 00:32:19,687 Your cheek, maybe a little bit in the beard. 483 00:32:19,770 --> 00:32:21,397 What the hell? I'm about to be fucking sick! 484 00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:22,523 What do you do? 485 00:32:22,606 --> 00:32:23,899 Do you go to a bathroom 486 00:32:23,983 --> 00:32:25,609 and tear off a piece of dry tissue... 487 00:32:25,693 --> 00:32:27,528 and rub it around on your beard a little bit 488 00:32:27,611 --> 00:32:29,155 and then go on, get on with your day? 489 00:32:29,238 --> 00:32:30,823 Go to church, maybe dinner and a movie, 490 00:32:30,906 --> 00:32:31,991 like nothing happened? 491 00:32:32,074 --> 00:32:33,409 Where is this coming from, man? 492 00:32:33,492 --> 00:32:34,702 But something did happen. 493 00:32:34,785 --> 00:32:36,203 Your face smells like shit. Right? 494 00:32:36,287 --> 00:32:37,830 So what you would do, 495 00:32:37,913 --> 00:32:40,124 is you would get some soap, you'd get some hot water... 496 00:32:40,207 --> 00:32:42,501 and you would scrub the fucking shit 497 00:32:42,585 --> 00:32:44,545 out of your beard for 10 straight minutes. 498 00:32:44,628 --> 00:32:46,297 You could not scrub it enough. 499 00:32:46,380 --> 00:32:48,007 Are you trying to make me feel disgusting? 500 00:32:48,090 --> 00:32:49,258 I'm starting to feel... 501 00:32:49,341 --> 00:32:52,011 Toilet paper is a plenty fine appetizer. 502 00:32:52,094 --> 00:32:54,180 But, then... 503 00:32:54,430 --> 00:32:56,724 Huggies Natural Care wet wipes. 504 00:32:56,807 --> 00:32:58,142 That's your main course. 505 00:32:58,225 --> 00:33:01,353 They're soft, they're moist. They're for babies. 506 00:33:02,188 --> 00:33:04,940 Finally, one more pass with toilet paper, 507 00:33:05,024 --> 00:33:06,901 maybe clear out that excess moisture. 508 00:33:06,984 --> 00:33:08,569 Maybe treat yourself to a blow and go, 509 00:33:08,652 --> 00:33:09,945 if you can get you a hair dryer. 510 00:33:10,029 --> 00:33:12,364 Just about 30 seconds would do you good. 511 00:33:16,076 --> 00:33:17,077 The fuck? 512 00:33:18,329 --> 00:33:19,371 Year. 513 00:33:20,372 --> 00:33:21,373 What? 514 00:33:22,583 --> 00:33:24,210 What year is it? 515 00:33:24,293 --> 00:33:26,754 What kind of dumbass question is that to ask? 516 00:33:57,493 --> 00:34:00,246 We have 8 weeks of boot camp ahead of us, men. 517 00:34:00,329 --> 00:34:01,622 That'll get us toned and prepared 518 00:34:01,705 --> 00:34:03,290 for all manner of combat. 519 00:34:05,376 --> 00:34:09,380 Not working out at all. 520 00:34:09,630 --> 00:34:11,257 Masking tape. 521 00:34:11,340 --> 00:34:13,676 It is no friend to chilled aluminum. 522 00:34:14,760 --> 00:34:16,720 Velcro. Color-coded, efficient, 523 00:34:16,804 --> 00:34:17,888 environmentally friendly. 524 00:34:18,639 --> 00:34:20,182 Who is he talking to? 525 00:34:20,266 --> 00:34:21,892 And why is he dressed like a registered sex offender? 526 00:34:21,976 --> 00:34:23,936 Can we focus for a moment, ladies? 527 00:34:24,019 --> 00:34:26,272 Please, we need to talk about next month's meal plan. 528 00:34:26,355 --> 00:34:28,107 Obviously, everyone hated the ceviche. 529 00:34:28,190 --> 00:34:29,483 I read the suggestion box. 530 00:34:29,567 --> 00:34:31,151 I'm gonna stop you right there. 531 00:34:31,235 --> 00:34:33,028 I see through this weak act. 532 00:34:33,279 --> 00:34:37,491 You may have fooled Colossus with this nice guy shit... 533 00:34:37,658 --> 00:34:38,826 but not me. 534 00:34:38,909 --> 00:34:39,952 Don't be mean. 535 00:34:40,035 --> 00:34:41,328 Back Off, NTW. 536 00:34:41,412 --> 00:34:43,581 No, no, no. Let her go. 537 00:34:43,664 --> 00:34:44,790 Let her go, it's okay. 538 00:34:44,873 --> 00:34:46,417 She has a right to be skeptical. 539 00:34:46,500 --> 00:34:49,128 Look at me. I'm an easy target. 540 00:34:50,296 --> 00:34:51,630 You know, historically, 541 00:34:51,714 --> 00:34:53,591 mischief has been my mistress... 542 00:34:53,674 --> 00:34:56,343 so I understand, you know. But I like to think... 543 00:34:57,970 --> 00:34:59,930 that you guys have really rubbed off on me. 544 00:35:01,307 --> 00:35:03,309 I like to think that I've rubbed off around you, too. 545 00:35:05,352 --> 00:35:06,353 A lot. 546 00:35:07,354 --> 00:35:09,982 And for the first time in a long while... 547 00:35:10,065 --> 00:35:11,233 I like me. 548 00:35:13,444 --> 00:35:15,946 I accept your apology. I never apologized. 549 00:35:16,030 --> 00:35:17,531 I was talking to your heart. 550 00:35:17,615 --> 00:35:19,992 See? You're not lost cause you thought. 551 00:35:20,075 --> 00:35:23,245 I'm proud. You're everything I knew you can be. 552 00:35:23,329 --> 00:35:24,622 Thank you, Colossus. 553 00:35:25,372 --> 00:35:26,957 Just trying to be the world's best X-Man. 554 00:35:27,041 --> 00:35:28,459 Sorry, X-Person. 555 00:35:30,044 --> 00:35:32,671 Hmm. Something wrong with the soap. 556 00:35:32,755 --> 00:35:34,340 It's fine. 557 00:35:34,423 --> 00:35:36,634 I just filled it. Give it a few more pumps there. 558 00:35:37,843 --> 00:35:40,304 Now, if you'll excuse me... 559 00:35:40,387 --> 00:35:42,139 it's dust bunny season... 560 00:35:42,222 --> 00:35:43,223 and I'm hunting wabbits. 561 00:35:43,932 --> 00:35:45,059 Bye, Wade! 562 00:35:47,227 --> 00:35:49,772 Fuck. Fuck you. 563 00:36:01,450 --> 00:36:03,994 No one is born perfect. 564 00:36:04,078 --> 00:36:06,038 But you can be. 565 00:36:06,121 --> 00:36:08,457 I know you're doing what comes naturally. 566 00:36:12,753 --> 00:36:14,588 You can't help yourself. 567 00:36:18,467 --> 00:36:19,927 But you can. 568 00:36:20,594 --> 00:36:23,263 It takes work, discipline... 569 00:36:23,722 --> 00:36:24,932 and treatment. 570 00:36:25,015 --> 00:36:26,684 Your abilities... 571 00:36:28,644 --> 00:36:30,646 I know how seductive they are. 572 00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:33,649 How powerful they make you feel. 573 00:36:34,650 --> 00:36:37,152 But you must learn never to use them... 574 00:36:37,236 --> 00:36:39,822 so they will never use you. 575 00:36:46,078 --> 00:36:47,663 Please don't cry. 576 00:36:48,497 --> 00:36:50,082 I'm going to help. 577 00:36:50,165 --> 00:36:53,001 I'm gonna make you feel what you should feel. 578 00:36:53,377 --> 00:36:54,795 How you need to feel... 579 00:36:55,921 --> 00:36:58,465 every time you're tempted to act upon your urges. 580 00:36:59,341 --> 00:37:03,262 Suck my mutant dick, you 4-eyed fuck. 581 00:37:17,735 --> 00:37:18,944 Wade. 582 00:37:19,862 --> 00:37:20,863 Wade! 583 00:37:21,488 --> 00:37:23,532 Come in! Hey, I was just doing 584 00:37:23,615 --> 00:37:25,159 a little bit of light reading here... 585 00:37:25,576 --> 00:37:26,910 We have mission. 586 00:37:27,035 --> 00:37:28,537 Well, you guys be safe out there. 587 00:37:28,620 --> 00:37:29,830 I'll be praying for you. 588 00:37:29,913 --> 00:37:32,332 No, l want you to join. 589 00:37:33,542 --> 00:37:34,668 I'm sorry, what? 590 00:37:34,752 --> 00:37:36,336 You heard me. 591 00:37:36,420 --> 00:37:38,672 Trust me, that's a terrible idea. 592 00:37:38,839 --> 00:37:39,882 I'm really not ready. 593 00:37:39,965 --> 00:37:41,467 You are ready. I'm not. 594 00:37:41,717 --> 00:37:43,469 Be at the X-Jet in 5. 595 00:37:43,635 --> 00:37:44,762 I can do 30. 596 00:37:44,845 --> 00:37:46,764 Now. I can do now. 597 00:37:46,847 --> 00:37:47,890 Final offer. 598 00:37:48,140 --> 00:37:50,642 Irene Merryweather, WHIT News. 599 00:37:50,726 --> 00:37:52,686 Live here at a breaking news situation 600 00:37:52,770 --> 00:37:55,397 at the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation. 601 00:37:55,481 --> 00:37:57,399 A mutant boy is appearing to have 602 00:37:57,483 --> 00:37:58,692 some sort of an incident... 603 00:37:58,776 --> 00:38:00,444 with police here behind me. Get away from me! 604 00:38:00,527 --> 00:38:02,905 There are two police vehicles that are overturned. 605 00:38:02,988 --> 00:38:04,406 There are open fires. Fuck off! Stay back! 606 00:38:04,490 --> 00:38:05,491 A scene of absolute chaos here. 607 00:38:05,574 --> 00:38:06,575 Calm down. 608 00:38:06,658 --> 00:38:09,369 I'll burn you! You stay back! 609 00:38:10,078 --> 00:38:11,830 Get away from me! 610 00:38:11,914 --> 00:38:14,416 You wanna fucking die? 611 00:38:29,431 --> 00:38:32,601 And it appears as if the X-Men are arriving... 612 00:38:32,684 --> 00:38:33,685 Scatter! 613 00:38:34,269 --> 00:38:36,230 ...with what appears to be a trainee. 614 00:38:36,313 --> 00:38:39,274 Everyone, calm down! The pros are here. I... 615 00:38:39,358 --> 00:38:40,442 We're the X-Men! 616 00:38:40,526 --> 00:38:42,736 A dated metaphor for racism in the '60s. 617 00:38:43,153 --> 00:38:45,322 So, respect. 618 00:38:45,697 --> 00:38:46,949 At ease, Officer. 619 00:38:48,534 --> 00:38:50,077 What are you doing? 620 00:38:50,536 --> 00:38:51,787 My job! 621 00:38:51,870 --> 00:38:53,247 You're the one who said I was ready, 622 00:38:53,330 --> 00:38:54,790 and I frankly disagreed with you. 623 00:38:54,873 --> 00:38:57,251 But here we are, trying to overcome our differences. 624 00:38:57,334 --> 00:38:59,753 Like Beyonce says, "Please... 625 00:39:00,587 --> 00:39:01,922 "Please, stop cheating on me." 626 00:39:02,005 --> 00:39:03,090 Hey! 627 00:39:03,173 --> 00:39:04,508 This is the 5th incident. 628 00:39:04,591 --> 00:39:06,760 This kid needs to be in the Ice Box, not here. 629 00:39:06,844 --> 00:39:08,470 Russell belongs in our care. 630 00:39:08,554 --> 00:39:10,305 Not in prison. I assure you... 631 00:39:10,389 --> 00:39:11,473 we have everything under control. 632 00:39:11,557 --> 00:39:12,599 Stay back! I'll burn you! 633 00:39:12,683 --> 00:39:13,851 Not getting a real 634 00:39:13,934 --> 00:39:15,602 "under control" vibe here, Marty. 635 00:39:16,061 --> 00:39:18,063 It is Glen, isn't it? Daniel. 636 00:39:18,146 --> 00:39:19,356 I'll ask the questions, Miguel. 637 00:39:19,439 --> 00:39:20,732 Let me talk to the kid. 638 00:39:20,816 --> 00:39:25,654 You stay here with your weird, secret sex lips. 639 00:39:27,406 --> 00:39:28,407 You wanna die? 640 00:39:28,490 --> 00:39:29,491 This kid's adorable. 641 00:39:29,575 --> 00:39:30,659 I don't know why I packed the hollow points. 642 00:39:30,742 --> 00:39:31,869 I'll burn your balls off! 643 00:39:31,952 --> 00:39:34,580 First day. I'm so nervous! 644 00:39:35,372 --> 00:39:36,874 Did you just say "hollow points"? 645 00:39:36,957 --> 00:39:38,292 Yeah, probably should've 646 00:39:38,375 --> 00:39:40,419 brought a Super Soaker. 647 00:39:40,961 --> 00:39:41,962 Hi, there! 648 00:39:43,255 --> 00:39:45,716 Stay back or Justin Bieber dies! 649 00:39:45,799 --> 00:39:49,303 Justin Bieber. He called you Justin Bieber. 650 00:39:50,679 --> 00:39:52,306 Hold on! Wait, wait, wait! 651 00:39:52,389 --> 00:39:55,475 Okay, let's not do whatever that is. 652 00:39:55,559 --> 00:39:57,019 Okay? Let's just talk! 653 00:39:57,102 --> 00:39:58,353 It's Russell, right? 654 00:39:58,770 --> 00:40:00,606 Firefist. Firefist. 655 00:40:01,064 --> 00:40:03,275 Ooh, that's a great name. Where does it burn? 656 00:40:03,358 --> 00:40:04,776 Just the fist, or all the way up to the elbow? 657 00:40:09,823 --> 00:40:12,451 Definitely all the way up to the elbow. 658 00:40:12,534 --> 00:40:14,536 Come quietly, or there will be trouble. 659 00:40:15,412 --> 00:40:17,748 You stole that from Robocop! That's from Robocop! 660 00:40:18,248 --> 00:40:19,833 Just stand down! 661 00:40:19,917 --> 00:40:21,960 You're embarrassing me. Look, Firefi... 662 00:40:23,378 --> 00:40:25,672 Oh, my God! I can't say it! I'm so sorry! 663 00:40:30,427 --> 00:40:33,972 Oh, shit! That fucking does it! 664 00:40:34,473 --> 00:40:35,807 Put your hands behind your knees 665 00:40:35,891 --> 00:40:37,351 and get down on your head! Now! 666 00:40:37,434 --> 00:40:39,645 Wade! What was first rule? 667 00:40:39,728 --> 00:40:41,647 Label everything in the refrigerator! 668 00:40:41,730 --> 00:40:44,316 Do not escalate! Rules are meant to be broken! 669 00:40:44,399 --> 00:40:45,776 That's the exact opposite 670 00:40:45,859 --> 00:40:47,235 of what they're meant for! 671 00:40:48,236 --> 00:40:49,696 Fuck! Fine! 672 00:40:50,238 --> 00:40:51,281 I'll start from the beginning. 673 00:40:51,907 --> 00:40:54,242 My name is Deadpool, and I'm an X-Man. 674 00:40:54,326 --> 00:40:56,286 Trainee! Shut it! 675 00:40:57,204 --> 00:40:59,498 Look, I get it. 676 00:41:00,666 --> 00:41:02,292 All right, you're scared. 677 00:41:02,834 --> 00:41:03,877 Alone. 678 00:41:03,961 --> 00:41:05,003 You got no family. 679 00:41:05,087 --> 00:41:06,088 I didn't have a family, either. 680 00:41:06,171 --> 00:41:07,881 You live in this dump. Guess what? 681 00:41:07,965 --> 00:41:09,675 I used to live in a shithole just like it. 682 00:41:10,592 --> 00:41:11,885 But you know something? 683 00:41:11,969 --> 00:41:13,679 A wise woman once said to me... 684 00:41:13,762 --> 00:41:15,138 "Speak up. 685 00:41:15,222 --> 00:41:17,432 "I can't hear you with that pity dick in your mouth." 686 00:41:18,141 --> 00:41:19,726 Too much? I went too far. 687 00:41:27,734 --> 00:41:29,236 That was effervescent. 688 00:41:29,319 --> 00:41:31,238 Stay in school, kid. 689 00:41:31,613 --> 00:41:33,115 Or don't. I didn't. 690 00:41:33,490 --> 00:41:35,033 And I'm an X-Man. 691 00:41:35,117 --> 00:41:36,201 Trainee. 692 00:41:36,284 --> 00:41:37,619 Fuck it! 693 00:41:37,703 --> 00:41:39,454 Superhero landing coming up! 694 00:41:43,041 --> 00:41:44,668 Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck! 695 00:41:44,751 --> 00:41:46,586 That is so not practical. 696 00:42:07,357 --> 00:42:09,359 I could get used to this X-Man shit. 697 00:42:09,443 --> 00:42:10,444 Trainee! 698 00:42:10,527 --> 00:42:11,570 Trainee! 699 00:42:12,195 --> 00:42:13,697 Get a power restraint on him. Now! 700 00:42:13,780 --> 00:42:16,992 Calm down, squirt. It's over. We got ya. 701 00:42:18,869 --> 00:42:20,370 What's that do? 702 00:42:20,454 --> 00:42:21,913 Power-dampening collar. 703 00:42:21,997 --> 00:42:23,248 Shuts down all mutant abilities. 704 00:42:23,373 --> 00:42:26,126 You can't get it off. Unless you've got a grenade. 705 00:42:26,209 --> 00:42:29,171 Huh. Could've used one of those in the first act. 706 00:42:29,254 --> 00:42:30,505 Thank you! 707 00:42:32,340 --> 00:42:34,551 That was absolutely thrilling. 708 00:42:34,634 --> 00:42:36,636 True heroism in action. 709 00:42:36,887 --> 00:42:38,555 We are in your debt. 710 00:42:39,347 --> 00:42:40,974 We can take it from here. 711 00:42:41,058 --> 00:42:43,226 Take me to the Ice Box, please! 712 00:42:43,310 --> 00:42:44,478 Anywhere's better than here. 713 00:42:44,561 --> 00:42:45,771 Believe me, son, 714 00:42:45,854 --> 00:42:47,564 you do not wanna go to the Ice Box. 715 00:42:47,647 --> 00:42:50,150 That place makes Hitler's anus look like Waikiki. 716 00:42:50,275 --> 00:42:52,110 Let's get you inside, young man. 717 00:42:52,194 --> 00:42:54,154 No, wait, wait. Wait. 718 00:42:54,237 --> 00:42:55,739 You guys stay there. 719 00:43:05,832 --> 00:43:07,459 Those guys hurt you? 720 00:43:08,877 --> 00:43:09,920 Who? 721 00:43:11,963 --> 00:43:14,674 Baldilocks? Jared Kushner? 722 00:43:16,134 --> 00:43:17,636 Both of 'em? 723 00:43:21,348 --> 00:43:23,016 Oh, fuck it. 724 00:43:23,100 --> 00:43:24,643 4 or 5 moments! 725 00:43:24,726 --> 00:43:25,727 I'm sorry? 726 00:43:25,811 --> 00:43:28,980 4 or 5 moments! 727 00:43:30,232 --> 00:43:32,984 That's all it takes to be a hero. 728 00:43:34,027 --> 00:43:36,029 People think you wake up a hero... 729 00:43:36,363 --> 00:43:37,989 brush your teeth a hero... 730 00:43:38,573 --> 00:43:41,076 ejaculate into a soap dispenser a hero. 731 00:43:42,869 --> 00:43:46,623 But, no, being a hero takes only a few moments! 732 00:43:47,958 --> 00:43:49,584 A few moments... 733 00:43:49,668 --> 00:43:52,295 doing the ugly stuff no one else will do. 734 00:43:55,841 --> 00:43:56,967 No! 735 00:43:59,636 --> 00:44:00,846 Stand down! Hold your fire! 736 00:44:00,929 --> 00:44:03,223 Wade, what did you do? Colossus, no! 737 00:44:03,306 --> 00:44:06,560 You were right, Wade. You are not X-Men material. 738 00:44:06,643 --> 00:44:08,895 No shit, Shiny Gandhi! 739 00:44:08,979 --> 00:44:10,438 What was your first clue? 740 00:44:10,522 --> 00:44:13,316 The hollow point through that fuckhead's face? 741 00:44:13,692 --> 00:44:14,943 That kid was abused! 742 00:44:15,026 --> 00:44:16,820 You can always tell! We have rules! 743 00:44:17,112 --> 00:44:19,823 You are not judge, jury or executioner! 744 00:44:19,906 --> 00:44:22,826 Fuck your rules! I fight for what's right! 745 00:44:22,909 --> 00:44:24,494 And sometimes you gotta fight dirty! 746 00:44:24,786 --> 00:44:27,831 You let me down for the last time, Wade. 747 00:44:30,959 --> 00:44:33,211 Okay, get these guys in the pod. 748 00:44:33,295 --> 00:44:35,463 Take them to the Ice Box. 749 00:44:56,109 --> 00:44:57,110 Hey, baby! 750 00:44:58,195 --> 00:45:00,405 I wonder what gang I'll be in. 751 00:45:00,488 --> 00:45:01,865 Yeah! 752 00:45:02,032 --> 00:45:04,284 Is there, like, a Sorting Hat? Hi. 753 00:45:06,161 --> 00:45:07,537 I've always seen myself as 754 00:45:07,621 --> 00:45:08,997 more of an East Coast Hufflepuff. 755 00:45:10,498 --> 00:45:13,460 I've made a critical error on my Airbnb reservation. 756 00:45:13,543 --> 00:45:17,380 This is not what the website looked like at all. 757 00:45:18,965 --> 00:45:20,675 I love the decor though. 758 00:45:20,759 --> 00:45:22,677 I had no idea hopeless was a color. 759 00:45:22,761 --> 00:45:24,012 Hard left, douchebag. 760 00:45:28,516 --> 00:45:29,684 Please, after you. 761 00:45:31,895 --> 00:45:34,564 Another disgusting minority off the streets. 762 00:45:34,648 --> 00:45:35,732 We'll sleep well tonight. 763 00:45:35,815 --> 00:45:36,816 Let's get a bagel. 764 00:45:40,111 --> 00:45:42,948 Nighty-night, You warring prick! 765 00:46:18,733 --> 00:46:20,568 You're a long way from your superpowers. 766 00:46:20,652 --> 00:46:23,029 Yeah. Just a touch of cancer. 767 00:46:23,113 --> 00:46:25,573 Not to worry, we're old friends. 768 00:46:25,657 --> 00:46:26,825 Fuck! 769 00:46:26,908 --> 00:46:28,576 I wanted to be a superhero. 770 00:46:29,119 --> 00:46:31,037 Always wanted a real super suit. 771 00:46:31,121 --> 00:46:32,664 What happened? 772 00:46:32,747 --> 00:46:34,791 When was the last time you saw a plus-sized superhero? 773 00:46:35,500 --> 00:46:36,668 Neven 774 00:46:37,043 --> 00:46:38,837 The industry discriminates. 775 00:46:39,921 --> 00:46:41,464 Fuck superheroes. 776 00:46:42,048 --> 00:46:44,259 The thing that pisses me off the most... 777 00:46:44,342 --> 00:46:46,177 I never stood up for myself in there. 778 00:46:47,804 --> 00:46:49,597 My whole life. 779 00:46:50,765 --> 00:46:54,227 I've been waiting for someone to come and save me. 780 00:46:56,646 --> 00:46:59,607 Nobody's gonna sacrifice anything for me. 781 00:47:03,737 --> 00:47:05,989 I gotta start taking care of myself. 782 00:47:07,324 --> 00:47:09,159 I have a mission now. 783 00:47:10,118 --> 00:47:12,746 The first thing I wanna do when I get out of here... 784 00:47:12,829 --> 00:47:15,123 burn the headmaster alive... 785 00:47:15,206 --> 00:47:17,792 and then take a selfie with his smoldering corpse. 786 00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:21,379 Aw. That's, like, my favorite part of the Bible. 787 00:47:23,131 --> 00:47:25,050 I don't have a sock puppet on me... 788 00:47:25,675 --> 00:47:27,135 but what did he do to you? 789 00:47:27,761 --> 00:47:29,304 Did he taste the rainbow? 790 00:47:29,387 --> 00:47:31,431 I'd whisper it, but Skittles would sue us. 791 00:47:32,599 --> 00:47:34,225 Fucker hates mutants. 792 00:47:34,684 --> 00:47:36,561 He tried to beat the genes out of us. 793 00:47:36,644 --> 00:47:39,189 Nothing worse than a "pray the gay away" type guy. 794 00:47:39,981 --> 00:47:41,358 Sick piece of shit. 795 00:47:42,776 --> 00:47:46,446 Tomorrow, we'll find the biggest guy in here... 796 00:47:47,405 --> 00:47:49,074 and we'll make him our bitch! 797 00:47:53,036 --> 00:47:54,329 What was that? 798 00:47:54,412 --> 00:47:56,373 That is the biggest guy in here. 799 00:47:57,040 --> 00:47:59,084 Fun fact about the Ice Box... 800 00:47:59,167 --> 00:48:00,960 though no one's ever seen it, 801 00:48:01,044 --> 00:48:03,213 they keep a monster in the basement. 802 00:48:03,296 --> 00:48:05,006 Right next to a huge, 803 00:48:05,090 --> 00:48:06,633 steaming bowl of foreshadowing. 804 00:48:07,258 --> 00:48:08,259 Look. 805 00:48:09,260 --> 00:48:11,179 I can't protect you. 806 00:48:11,554 --> 00:48:12,680 With this collar on, 807 00:48:12,764 --> 00:48:15,850 my superpower is just unbridled cancer. 808 00:48:15,934 --> 00:48:18,812 Give me a bow and arrow, I'm basically Hawkeye. 809 00:48:19,437 --> 00:48:21,481 Now, if you'll excuse me... 810 00:48:21,564 --> 00:48:24,734 I've got tumors to grow. Vanessa awaits. 811 00:48:24,818 --> 00:48:27,070 I'll start by making us a shank. 812 00:48:27,320 --> 00:48:29,197 Good listening. I stole that guard's pen... 813 00:48:29,280 --> 00:48:31,199 and stashed it in the old prison wallet, 814 00:48:31,282 --> 00:48:32,659 if you know what I'm saying. 815 00:48:32,742 --> 00:48:35,203 I really hope I don't know what you're saying. 816 00:48:37,288 --> 00:48:39,582 I know it's in there, l just need to get it out. 817 00:48:39,666 --> 00:48:41,584 Oh, Jesus Christ. 818 00:48:41,835 --> 00:48:44,087 I can hear you rummaging around in there. 819 00:48:44,504 --> 00:48:46,631 Do they make Purell for your ears? 820 00:48:51,428 --> 00:48:52,762 And to update you 821 00:48:52,846 --> 00:48:54,180 on the story reported earlier, 822 00:48:54,264 --> 00:48:55,807 after a lengthy standoff 823 00:48:55,890 --> 00:48:58,560 outside the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation... 824 00:48:58,643 --> 00:48:59,936 two mutants were arrested 825 00:49:00,019 --> 00:49:01,646 and transported to the Ice Box... 826 00:49:01,813 --> 00:49:03,189 Entering repair mode. 827 00:49:07,610 --> 00:49:08,987 ...several police cars were destroyed 828 00:49:09,070 --> 00:49:11,072 and the X-Men were called in to restore order. 829 00:49:32,302 --> 00:49:34,262 Cells 7 and 9 830 00:49:34,345 --> 00:49:37,682 now off-limits for medical personnel. 831 00:49:37,765 --> 00:49:39,225 Cells 7 and 9 832 00:49:39,309 --> 00:49:42,061 now off-limits for medical personnel. 833 00:49:43,813 --> 00:49:45,190 Psst! 834 00:49:47,484 --> 00:49:49,319 Don't do that. 835 00:49:49,903 --> 00:49:52,739 What? Why are you winking at me? 836 00:49:56,367 --> 00:49:57,744 I got your back. 837 00:49:57,827 --> 00:49:58,995 Oh, my God. 838 00:49:59,078 --> 00:50:00,538 You're sick, I gotta protect you. 839 00:50:00,622 --> 00:50:02,540 Just leave me alone, kid. 840 00:50:03,666 --> 00:50:04,751 Oh, great. 841 00:50:06,586 --> 00:50:09,088 Well, hello there, new fish. 842 00:50:09,172 --> 00:50:12,091 It's nice to see some fresh faces around here. 843 00:50:12,258 --> 00:50:14,469 I've done some light catalog work... 844 00:50:14,552 --> 00:50:17,013 but, really, modeling is just a stepping stone to acting. 845 00:50:17,096 --> 00:50:19,015 I was talking to him. Oh. 846 00:50:19,933 --> 00:50:22,936 Have we met? I can't place your mustache. 847 00:50:23,353 --> 00:50:25,980 Black Tom Cassidy. White Wade Wilson. 848 00:50:26,064 --> 00:50:29,192 What's your superpower? Cultural appropriation? 849 00:50:29,526 --> 00:50:32,070 You're supposed to be the toughest cunt in here. 850 00:50:32,153 --> 00:50:33,821 You don't look like much to me. 851 00:50:34,739 --> 00:50:37,158 First rule of the yard, fuckface... 852 00:50:37,242 --> 00:50:38,826 find the biggest guy and make him your... 853 00:50:43,122 --> 00:50:45,291 Second biggest guy. 854 00:50:45,375 --> 00:50:47,627 The last thing I need is more hepatitis. 855 00:50:47,877 --> 00:50:51,381 Oh, it's slippery, too. This table needs a wipe down! 856 00:50:51,464 --> 00:50:52,799 Can we get a wipe down on the table? 857 00:50:54,592 --> 00:50:56,219 Kid, I think you picked the wrong side. 858 00:50:56,886 --> 00:50:59,180 No, I didn't! He's my friend! 859 00:50:59,264 --> 00:51:01,516 Zip it. We're not friends. 860 00:51:03,226 --> 00:51:04,310 You're about to get dick-slapped. 861 00:51:16,864 --> 00:51:18,575 I had so much fun! You were like... 862 00:51:18,658 --> 00:51:20,702 And l was like, "Take a seat, shit dick." 863 00:51:20,785 --> 00:51:21,911 Just let me die in peace. 864 00:51:22,579 --> 00:51:24,330 We make a great team! 865 00:51:24,747 --> 00:51:27,292 Oh, God! We're not a team. 866 00:51:27,375 --> 00:51:31,671 Why'd you say that back there? We're friends, partners. 867 00:51:31,754 --> 00:51:34,173 We're not partners or friends. 868 00:51:35,592 --> 00:51:37,635 This doesn't end with us riding into the sunset. 869 00:51:37,719 --> 00:51:39,887 It ends with me dying of cancer... 870 00:51:39,971 --> 00:51:43,516 and you winning the Ice Box award for softest mouth. 871 00:51:45,268 --> 00:51:46,811 There's only one person in this world 872 00:51:46,894 --> 00:51:48,688 that I care about, and she's gone. 873 00:51:50,481 --> 00:51:52,483 You wanna survive? 874 00:51:53,693 --> 00:51:56,988 Stop trying to shank the biggest guys in here... 875 00:51:57,071 --> 00:51:58,948 and make friends with them. 876 00:52:00,241 --> 00:52:01,826 Make friends with someone. 877 00:52:03,077 --> 00:52:04,662 Anyone but me. 878 00:52:05,830 --> 00:52:08,166 Maybe even Black Tim. 879 00:52:09,083 --> 00:52:10,627 Black Evan, I don't know. 880 00:52:10,710 --> 00:52:13,212 All I remember is he was African-American. 881 00:52:58,675 --> 00:53:00,718 System malfunctioning. 882 00:53:00,802 --> 00:53:04,138 Cells 7, 12, 14, 27. 883 00:53:04,222 --> 00:53:06,432 Back in your cells, you filthy mutants! Get in there! 884 00:53:06,516 --> 00:53:09,811 Cells 1, 3, 7, 8. 885 00:53:11,020 --> 00:53:12,397 Searching. 886 00:53:13,940 --> 00:53:16,317 Cell 04 located. 887 00:53:17,694 --> 00:53:19,320 Door won't open! 888 00:53:19,862 --> 00:53:21,489 On your fucking knees! 889 00:53:58,443 --> 00:54:00,153 That was our cell. 890 00:54:02,280 --> 00:54:04,532 What did I do to piss off a grumpy old fucker 891 00:54:04,615 --> 00:54:05,783 with a Winter Soldier arm? 892 00:54:15,042 --> 00:54:16,961 Get away from me, kid! 893 00:54:24,594 --> 00:54:25,803 Listen to me! Go! 894 00:54:31,309 --> 00:54:32,602 Hello, Russell. 895 00:55:56,018 --> 00:55:58,062 I don't bargain. 896 00:56:16,205 --> 00:56:17,206 Who are you? 897 00:56:18,082 --> 00:56:19,333 I'm Batman. 898 00:56:30,761 --> 00:56:31,804 Ooh! 899 00:56:36,559 --> 00:56:39,437 Oh. That's got some zip. 900 00:56:47,945 --> 00:56:50,740 Don't feel bad. Even I can't kill me. 901 00:56:51,449 --> 00:56:52,491 Talk! 902 00:56:53,034 --> 00:56:54,785 What kind of spineless shit stick 903 00:56:54,869 --> 00:56:56,245 tries to kill a 14-year-old boy? 904 00:56:57,538 --> 00:56:58,706 You might wanna start talking! 905 00:56:58,789 --> 00:57:01,208 'Cause I got a long history of firing at times like this! 906 00:57:02,710 --> 00:57:04,211 The name's Cable. 907 00:57:04,754 --> 00:57:07,423 I'm from the future. Just walk away. 908 00:57:08,090 --> 00:57:09,383 Oh! 909 00:57:09,467 --> 00:57:10,927 So, you're from the future. 910 00:57:11,469 --> 00:57:13,304 I have 3 questions then. 911 00:57:13,471 --> 00:57:16,641 One, is dubstep still a thing? 912 00:57:17,099 --> 00:57:19,560 Two, do people still homebrew? 913 00:57:19,644 --> 00:57:22,229 And three, does Dopinder ever find love? 914 00:58:06,399 --> 00:58:08,109 Dubstep's for pussies. 915 00:58:08,192 --> 00:58:09,360 You're so dark! 916 00:58:09,443 --> 00:58:11,654 Are you sure you're not from the DC universe? 917 00:58:12,405 --> 00:58:13,906 I love dubstep! 918 00:58:40,224 --> 00:58:41,642 ls that a fanny pack? 919 00:58:41,726 --> 00:58:44,311 I used to have one of those in 1990-never. 920 00:58:45,271 --> 00:58:47,356 Something to remember you by. 921 00:58:47,440 --> 00:58:51,152 Give me that back! That goes with me everywhere. 922 00:58:51,235 --> 00:58:53,612 Like the memory of your fucking fanny pack! 923 00:59:03,330 --> 00:59:05,416 Why are you protecting the kid? 924 00:59:06,751 --> 00:59:08,669 I don't give a fuck about him... 925 00:59:09,086 --> 00:59:11,505 and his Are You My Mother? complex! 926 00:59:13,841 --> 00:59:15,092 What's this one do? 927 00:59:29,273 --> 00:59:30,858 In every film, there's a moment 928 00:59:30,941 --> 00:59:33,277 when the hero hits rock bottom. 929 00:59:33,360 --> 00:59:35,279 In Cool Runnings, it was when John Candy's 930 00:59:35,362 --> 00:59:36,655 prized bobsled broke. 931 00:59:37,364 --> 00:59:40,076 In Human Centipede, it was when those people... 932 00:59:40,159 --> 00:59:41,702 signed on to be in that movie. 933 00:59:41,786 --> 00:59:43,245 But in this film, well... 934 00:59:43,954 --> 00:59:45,122 you're looking at it. 935 00:59:45,206 --> 00:59:46,957 On your fucking knees, mutant. 936 00:59:49,877 --> 00:59:50,878 Rock... 937 00:59:54,924 --> 00:59:56,425 meet bottom. 938 01:00:07,103 --> 01:00:08,187 I love you, Wade Wilson. 939 01:00:08,270 --> 01:00:09,480 Ness? 940 01:00:10,523 --> 01:00:11,982 Hey, Ness! 941 01:00:12,858 --> 01:00:14,652 Ness, can you let me in? 942 01:00:14,735 --> 01:00:16,821 Please! Please. 943 01:00:18,989 --> 01:00:20,074 Jesus. 944 01:00:23,035 --> 01:00:24,745 You're not giving me a lot of direction here. 945 01:00:24,829 --> 01:00:26,622 I'm at the end of my rope. 946 01:00:29,125 --> 01:00:31,377 Then l joined the X-Men. 947 01:00:31,544 --> 01:00:33,379 I went to prison. I, uh... 948 01:00:37,466 --> 01:00:38,968 ls it the kid? 949 01:00:41,011 --> 01:00:43,931 Kids give us a chance to be better than we used to be. 950 01:00:45,349 --> 01:00:46,350 The kid! 951 01:01:00,406 --> 01:01:01,699 That's exactly what she meant. 952 01:01:01,782 --> 01:01:02,950 Your heart needs to be in the right place. 953 01:01:03,075 --> 01:01:04,910 I'm not gonna abandon this kid. 954 01:01:04,994 --> 01:01:07,580 He's never had anyone, ever. 955 01:01:07,663 --> 01:01:08,956 I need to be selfless. 956 01:01:09,039 --> 01:01:10,958 Yeah, but what does that mean? 957 01:01:11,041 --> 01:01:14,170 It means I'm gonna save Russell. 958 01:01:14,336 --> 01:01:15,838 Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa... 959 01:01:15,921 --> 01:01:18,883 but maybe I can save a robust teenager from New Zealand. 960 01:01:18,966 --> 01:01:20,968 Yeah, but what I mean is, like, the world "selfless." 961 01:01:21,051 --> 01:01:22,469 I literally don't know what that means. 962 01:01:22,636 --> 01:01:23,762 Jesus Christ. 963 01:01:23,846 --> 01:01:26,557 Okay, look. According to my guy, okay... 964 01:01:26,640 --> 01:01:28,392 those muties are being transferred 965 01:01:28,475 --> 01:01:30,269 to a supermax, 80 miles away. 966 01:01:30,352 --> 01:01:32,146 Great, I'll pick 'em off along the way. 967 01:01:32,229 --> 01:01:34,356 Hold your testicles there, buddy, Okay? 968 01:01:34,440 --> 01:01:36,400 We're talking about an armored convoy... 969 01:01:36,483 --> 01:01:39,069 and a vicious super soldier from the future... 970 01:01:39,153 --> 01:01:41,488 that is looking to turn your skull into a fuckable ashtray. 971 01:01:41,572 --> 01:01:42,990 You know what we need to do? 972 01:01:43,073 --> 01:01:44,825 We need to build a fucking team. 973 01:01:44,992 --> 01:01:47,036 We need 'em tough, morally flexible... 974 01:01:47,119 --> 01:01:48,495 and young enough so they can carry 975 01:01:48,579 --> 01:01:49,705 this franchise 10 to 12 years. 976 01:01:49,788 --> 01:01:51,624 A team of highly-skilled motherfuckers. 977 01:01:51,707 --> 01:01:54,710 I'm talking about some Ocean's 14 shit. Rogue Two. 978 01:01:54,793 --> 01:01:57,171 John Wick 3, but with the original director. 979 01:01:57,254 --> 01:01:59,131 My body is an instrument of death. 980 01:01:59,215 --> 01:02:00,549 Not now, Dopinder. 981 01:02:00,633 --> 01:02:02,051 I could be of great use. 982 01:02:02,134 --> 01:02:03,719 What's your superpower? 983 01:02:05,512 --> 01:02:07,139 Courage. That's adorable. 984 01:02:07,223 --> 01:02:08,849 Do you have the courage to check and see... 985 01:02:08,933 --> 01:02:11,268 if there are enough sanitary napkins in the dispenser? 986 01:02:11,352 --> 01:02:12,353 Yes, sir. 987 01:02:12,436 --> 01:02:13,687 I'm sorry you had to see that, 988 01:02:13,771 --> 01:02:15,272 although I'm glad you heard it. 989 01:02:16,148 --> 01:02:18,025 All right, I'll put out a call for resumes. 990 01:02:18,108 --> 01:02:20,319 But we're not paying medical or dental. 991 01:02:20,402 --> 01:02:22,446 It's time to get back on Linkedln. 992 01:02:59,316 --> 01:03:00,859 Attention, all inmates! 993 01:03:01,026 --> 01:03:03,404 Transport to Cross Force Maximum Security 994 01:03:03,487 --> 01:03:04,863 Mutant Containment Facility... 995 01:03:05,030 --> 01:03:06,865 will begin at 0800 hours. 996 01:03:07,032 --> 01:03:08,993 Inspection of your cells and out processing 997 01:03:09,076 --> 01:03:11,120 will begin at 0600. 998 01:03:19,420 --> 01:03:20,421 Oi. 999 01:03:20,546 --> 01:03:21,880 What the fuck do you want? 1000 01:03:21,964 --> 01:03:23,757 That's my fucking pudding. 1001 01:03:23,841 --> 01:03:25,134 Fuck your pudding! You like pudding? 1002 01:03:46,864 --> 01:03:47,865 Hello? 1003 01:03:50,159 --> 01:03:52,494 I know you're in there. 1004 01:04:08,177 --> 01:04:10,471 Must be hard being the biggest guy in here. 1005 01:04:11,764 --> 01:04:14,016 Lonely at the top, eh? 1006 01:04:14,099 --> 01:04:16,060 They're moving us tomorrow. 1007 01:04:18,520 --> 01:04:20,314 Maybe I can get you out of here. 1008 01:04:21,523 --> 01:04:24,693 And we can make the whole world our bitch. 1009 01:04:26,528 --> 01:04:28,280 We need a secret code. 1010 01:04:31,325 --> 01:04:33,952 No, that's stupid, Russell. Idiot. 1011 01:04:41,210 --> 01:04:42,711 We're a team. 1012 01:04:42,795 --> 01:04:44,713 We're like thugs, we're like gangsters. 1013 01:04:44,797 --> 01:04:46,757 I'm like Tupac, and you're like Ice Cube. 1014 01:04:48,467 --> 01:04:49,510 Supposedly, she can rap, too. 1015 01:04:49,593 --> 01:04:50,677 Yeah. 1016 01:04:50,761 --> 01:04:51,762 I like that. 1017 01:04:51,845 --> 01:04:53,263 Terrific, these are all terrific. 1018 01:04:53,514 --> 01:04:55,224 Meet Bedlam. 1019 01:04:55,307 --> 01:04:57,476 Cool name! Superpowers? 1020 01:04:57,601 --> 01:04:59,103 I can distort electrical fields. 1021 01:05:00,354 --> 01:05:02,523 Including the one inside your brain... 1022 01:05:02,606 --> 01:05:05,275 causing anxiety, confusion... 1023 01:05:05,359 --> 01:05:06,443 Dam 1024 01:05:07,403 --> 01:05:09,446 So, basically, you're Dave Matthews. 1025 01:05:09,530 --> 01:05:10,697 We can use him. 1026 01:05:12,449 --> 01:05:13,992 I'm Zeitgeist. 1027 01:05:14,159 --> 01:05:15,411 I like it. 1028 01:05:15,494 --> 01:05:16,745 So you have the power 1029 01:05:16,829 --> 01:05:19,164 to put your finger on the pulse of society? 1030 01:05:20,207 --> 01:05:21,333 No. 1031 01:05:21,417 --> 01:05:22,960 No, I spit acidic vomit. 1032 01:05:23,043 --> 01:05:24,128 Oh. Do you want me 1033 01:05:24,211 --> 01:05:25,546 to demonstrate? No! 1034 01:05:25,629 --> 01:05:26,964 We'll take your word for it. 1035 01:05:27,047 --> 01:05:28,507 Thank you. Yeah. Listen, we've all eaten at Arby's, okay? 1036 01:05:29,341 --> 01:05:31,969 And this is the Vanisher. 1037 01:05:35,305 --> 01:05:36,306 But... 1038 01:05:37,474 --> 01:05:38,934 Vanisher! 1039 01:05:41,478 --> 01:05:43,147 Nice! Right? 1040 01:05:44,440 --> 01:05:45,524 He's not here, is he? 1041 01:05:45,607 --> 01:05:47,151 He may be running late. 1042 01:05:48,735 --> 01:05:51,196 My name's Rusty, but I go by Shatterstar. 1043 01:05:51,613 --> 01:05:52,823 That's good, yeah. 1044 01:05:52,906 --> 01:05:54,992 "Rusty" is terrible. Toughie. 1045 01:05:55,075 --> 01:05:57,786 So, uh, where are you from? The planet Mojo World. 1046 01:05:57,953 --> 01:05:59,955 So you're an alien, I guess. Bad name. 1047 01:06:00,038 --> 01:06:01,665 How does that, uh, help us? 1048 01:06:01,748 --> 01:06:04,543 I'm basically better than you at everything. 1049 01:06:04,710 --> 01:06:06,378 Just once, I'm gonna find a planet of people 1050 01:06:06,462 --> 01:06:08,005 that are worse than me at everything. 1051 01:06:08,088 --> 01:06:10,257 A whole bunch of functional idiots. 1052 01:06:10,340 --> 01:06:12,217 I'm gonna go there, and I'm gonna be their Superman. 1053 01:06:12,301 --> 01:06:13,385 Isn't that Canada? 1054 01:06:13,469 --> 01:06:15,888 You shut your goddamn trash mouth! 1055 01:06:17,055 --> 01:06:18,515 Meet... Domino. 1056 01:06:18,599 --> 01:06:20,309 What's your shtick? I'm lucky. 1057 01:06:20,684 --> 01:06:21,685 That's not a superpower. 1058 01:06:22,144 --> 01:06:23,145 Yeah, it is. No, it isn't. 1059 01:06:23,312 --> 01:06:24,521 Yes, it is. No, it isn't. 1060 01:06:24,605 --> 01:06:25,606 Yeah, it is. No, it isn't. 1061 01:06:25,689 --> 01:06:26,690 Yes, it is. No, it isn't. 1062 01:06:26,773 --> 01:06:27,774 Yeah, it is. Really isn't. 1063 01:06:27,858 --> 01:06:28,942 No, it isn't. Yes, it is. 1064 01:06:29,109 --> 01:06:30,110 Told you. 1065 01:06:30,319 --> 01:06:31,528 Get out of my head! 1066 01:06:31,695 --> 01:06:33,280 I'm not in your head. 1067 01:06:33,363 --> 01:06:34,573 I'm in an 11-year-old's bedroom. 1068 01:06:34,740 --> 01:06:35,866 Well, if you're so lucky, 1069 01:06:35,949 --> 01:06:37,493 then what are you doing here with us? 1070 01:06:37,576 --> 01:06:38,660 I don't know yet. 1071 01:06:38,744 --> 01:06:39,745 What's that supposed to mean? 1072 01:06:39,828 --> 01:06:41,538 There's a reason why I'm here, and I'll know when I know. 1073 01:06:41,622 --> 01:06:43,373 Everything usually just kind of works out for me. 1074 01:06:43,457 --> 01:06:45,292 Like 2008 Ryan Reynolds. 1075 01:06:46,585 --> 01:06:47,669 I don't know who that is. 1076 01:06:47,753 --> 01:06:48,921 You're hired. 1077 01:06:49,296 --> 01:06:50,297 Lucky me. 1078 01:06:50,380 --> 01:06:51,590 I like her! 1079 01:06:52,716 --> 01:06:54,009 And last, but not least... 1080 01:06:54,092 --> 01:06:55,219 Peter. 1081 01:06:56,595 --> 01:06:58,555 Am I getting catfished here or...? 1082 01:06:59,181 --> 01:07:01,058 Any powers you wanna tell us about? 1083 01:07:01,141 --> 01:07:02,226 No. 1084 01:07:02,768 --> 01:07:04,436 I don't have one. 1085 01:07:04,520 --> 01:07:05,812 Um, l just saw the ad. 1086 01:07:05,896 --> 01:07:07,606 No superpowers at all? 1087 01:07:07,689 --> 01:07:10,817 Uh, I have both Type 1 and 2 Diabetes. 1088 01:07:11,318 --> 01:07:12,611 Ow! Oh! 1089 01:07:12,694 --> 01:07:13,820 That's all the diabetes. 1090 01:07:13,904 --> 01:07:15,155 Right? Yeah, you got 'em all. 1091 01:07:15,239 --> 01:07:17,157 If you find a Type 3, let us know. 1092 01:07:17,658 --> 01:07:18,659 Yeah. 1093 01:07:18,742 --> 01:07:19,826 You're in. 1094 01:07:19,910 --> 01:07:21,411 Yeah. Fuck! 1095 01:07:23,789 --> 01:07:25,207 It's fulfilling work. 1096 01:07:30,295 --> 01:07:31,588 Let's go! 1097 01:07:45,227 --> 01:07:47,771 This is Convoy 17 departing the Ice Box. 1098 01:07:47,854 --> 01:07:49,231 We are en route. 1099 01:07:56,822 --> 01:07:59,199 Peacetime makes people soft. 1100 01:08:00,784 --> 01:08:02,578 I was born into war. 1101 01:08:04,121 --> 01:08:05,289 Bred into it. 1102 01:08:06,415 --> 01:08:07,416 Okay. 1103 01:08:08,250 --> 01:08:10,586 What's the most pain you've ever felt? 1104 01:08:12,546 --> 01:08:13,755 These restraints are pretty... 1105 01:08:13,839 --> 01:08:15,257 People think they understand pain. 1106 01:08:15,757 --> 01:08:17,175 They have no concept of it 1107 01:08:17,259 --> 01:08:19,219 beyond their own worst experience. 1108 01:08:20,804 --> 01:08:23,974 5 years old. That's what? 1109 01:08:24,057 --> 01:08:25,559 A bee sting. 1110 01:08:25,642 --> 01:08:26,727 Oh, yeah. 1111 01:08:26,810 --> 01:08:29,313 20 years old, shrapnel. 1112 01:08:29,396 --> 01:08:31,690 40 years old, disease. 1113 01:08:32,149 --> 01:08:36,653 Maybe the kind that leaves you more machine than man. 1114 01:08:36,737 --> 01:08:38,113 Yeah, getting old's not for sissies. 1115 01:08:38,196 --> 01:08:39,781 That's what my Grandma Ginny used to... 1116 01:08:39,865 --> 01:08:41,074 I've got a list. 1117 01:08:41,825 --> 01:08:43,785 We're gonna work down it. 1118 01:08:44,494 --> 01:08:45,495 Together. 1119 01:08:46,663 --> 01:08:48,790 Number one, I'm gonna bend something. 1120 01:08:49,750 --> 01:08:52,044 Something that was not meant to bend. 1121 01:08:52,127 --> 01:08:53,170 I'm gonna stop you right there 1122 01:08:53,253 --> 01:08:54,546 because I'm not gonna make it to two. 1123 01:08:54,630 --> 01:08:55,922 I won't even make it to one. 1124 01:08:56,006 --> 01:08:57,674 I don't do well with pain, you know. 1125 01:08:57,758 --> 01:08:59,885 If I stub my toe, I'm done for the day. 1126 01:09:00,177 --> 01:09:02,179 I cried when they canceled Felicity. 1127 01:09:02,596 --> 01:09:04,389 When I get really scared, I get nervous erections. 1128 01:09:04,473 --> 01:09:05,807 I have one right now. 1129 01:09:05,891 --> 01:09:07,434 Don't look. It'll only make it worse. 1130 01:09:07,517 --> 01:09:08,560 I don't want you to hurt me, 1131 01:09:08,644 --> 01:09:10,896 and I'll tell you anything you wanna know. 1132 01:09:11,855 --> 01:09:13,482 Except for where they are. 1133 01:09:14,066 --> 01:09:15,275 Russell's in a convoy heading southbound 1134 01:09:15,359 --> 01:09:16,568 on Gerry Duggan Parkway. 1135 01:09:16,652 --> 01:09:18,070 The monster's with them. l wouldn't fuck with him. 1136 01:09:18,153 --> 01:09:19,571 You all know the plan. 1137 01:09:19,655 --> 01:09:21,365 Intercept the convoy, 1138 01:09:21,448 --> 01:09:23,408 grab the boy. But not inappropriately! 1139 01:09:23,492 --> 01:09:24,493 You know what, 1140 01:09:24,576 --> 01:09:25,661 I wouldn't fuck with Deadpool either. 1141 01:09:25,744 --> 01:09:28,538 Because he's built a team. He's unstoppable. 1142 01:09:28,622 --> 01:09:31,291 He has an ass pen. He'll stab you with it. 1143 01:09:31,375 --> 01:09:33,960 Watch out for this guy, Cable! 1144 01:09:34,044 --> 01:09:37,172 He's very short, 5'11". Not like in the comics. 1145 01:09:37,339 --> 01:09:40,008 And if we succeed, we all go home early. 1146 01:09:40,467 --> 01:09:42,260 So if you go after them, Cable, l warn you... 1147 01:09:43,261 --> 01:09:44,846 there's a wind advisory in effect. 1148 01:09:56,191 --> 01:09:57,776 A little turbulent up here. 1149 01:10:05,200 --> 01:10:06,952 I don't know much about this Cable fella... 1150 01:10:07,035 --> 01:10:08,370 but I guarantee he hasn't killed 1151 01:10:08,453 --> 01:10:10,205 as many people as melanoma has. 1152 01:10:11,581 --> 01:10:12,666 We're getting close! 1153 01:10:13,041 --> 01:10:14,668 As a former X-Man... 1154 01:10:14,751 --> 01:10:16,628 Trainee. Thank you, Bedlam. 1155 01:10:16,712 --> 01:10:19,047 I was always appalled by the blatant sexism 1156 01:10:19,131 --> 01:10:20,674 in the group's name. 1157 01:10:20,757 --> 01:10:22,759 X-Men! Men! 1158 01:10:22,843 --> 01:10:25,804 The point is, our group will be forward thinking. 1159 01:10:25,887 --> 01:10:27,180 Gender neutral. 1160 01:10:27,264 --> 01:10:29,558 From now on, we'll be known as... 1161 01:10:31,810 --> 01:10:33,145 X-Force. 1162 01:10:33,228 --> 01:10:34,938 Isn't that a little derivative? 1163 01:10:35,021 --> 01:10:37,441 I don't recall asking your opinion, Peter! 1164 01:10:38,692 --> 01:10:40,152 That wasn't me. 1165 01:10:47,200 --> 01:10:49,494 Hang the laundry out at 1,300 feet... 1166 01:10:49,578 --> 01:10:51,371 intercept the convoy, and grab the boy. 1167 01:10:51,455 --> 01:10:52,497 Let's bring on the carnage, baby! 1168 01:10:52,581 --> 01:10:54,416 Get me on the ground, watch me go! 1169 01:10:54,499 --> 01:10:55,500 Yeah! 1170 01:10:55,584 --> 01:10:57,335 I can't wait to kill! 1171 01:10:57,419 --> 01:10:59,087 Hey! Hey! Hey! 1172 01:11:00,213 --> 01:11:02,007 I just wanna say how proud I am of this team. 1173 01:11:02,924 --> 01:11:05,761 You know, you guys look amazing! 1174 01:11:05,844 --> 01:11:08,680 Vanisher, I have no doubt you look amazing too. 1175 01:11:08,764 --> 01:11:09,806 This is the family 1176 01:11:09,890 --> 01:11:11,349 that I've always dreamed of having and I... 1177 01:11:12,392 --> 01:11:13,435 Ah, Shit. 1178 01:11:15,061 --> 01:11:16,730 l just get a little choked up sometimes. 1179 01:11:16,813 --> 01:11:18,607 I hate to interrupt, but is anybody nervous 1180 01:11:18,690 --> 01:11:20,025 about the high winds? 1181 01:11:20,108 --> 01:11:21,401 Gary. My name's Peter. 1182 01:11:21,485 --> 01:11:23,361 I realize that you're new to this, but relax. 1183 01:11:23,445 --> 01:11:24,863 You've been chosen by a higher power. 1184 01:11:25,155 --> 01:11:27,407 Did he just call himself God? l think he did. 1185 01:11:27,491 --> 01:11:29,034 I'd like to go home. And I'd like... 1186 01:11:29,117 --> 01:11:31,578 the McRib to be available year round, 1187 01:11:31,661 --> 01:11:33,455 but sometimes dreams don't come true. 1188 01:11:33,538 --> 01:11:35,665 I spent 10 years in Special Forces. 1189 01:11:35,749 --> 01:11:36,833 You think we didn't jump out of the plane 1190 01:11:36,917 --> 01:11:38,293 because of a light breeze? 1191 01:11:38,919 --> 01:11:41,171 You're in this shit now, Mustache! 1192 01:11:41,254 --> 01:11:43,173 I'm only yelling to impress the other guys. 1193 01:11:43,256 --> 01:11:45,175 I'd never let anything happen to you, Sugarbear. 1194 01:11:45,634 --> 01:11:47,761 Leonard, hit it! 1195 01:11:56,520 --> 01:11:58,563 Go! Go! Go! 1196 01:12:34,266 --> 01:12:35,642 Let's get some! 1197 01:12:35,725 --> 01:12:36,852 Whoo! 1198 01:12:36,935 --> 01:12:38,061 Oh, yeah! 1199 01:12:38,144 --> 01:12:40,981 Convoy, 12 o'clock! On my command! 1200 01:12:42,023 --> 01:12:43,483 Deploy! Oh, hey now! 1201 01:12:43,567 --> 01:12:44,818 Whoa! 1202 01:12:50,073 --> 01:12:51,992 Little off course here. 1203 01:12:54,160 --> 01:12:56,997 Holy mommy fucking shit! 1204 01:12:57,747 --> 01:12:59,165 Ah, there they are. 1205 01:12:59,249 --> 01:13:02,335 Look at these gorgeous sons of bitches. 1206 01:13:02,878 --> 01:13:04,796 Oh, yeah! That's right, Bedlam! 1207 01:13:09,885 --> 01:13:13,805 No! Tripping motherfucking billies! 1208 01:13:14,222 --> 01:13:17,309 Shatterstar. Okay, you got this. 1209 01:13:18,059 --> 01:13:19,060 Left! 1210 01:13:19,144 --> 01:13:20,478 Left! 1211 01:13:20,562 --> 01:13:22,772 You'd have to be insane to take off in this. 1212 01:13:22,856 --> 01:13:25,066 No, stage left, you idiot! 1213 01:13:28,987 --> 01:13:30,488 Weh, l guess we found something 1214 01:13:30,572 --> 01:13:31,656 you're not better at. 1215 01:13:33,867 --> 01:13:35,160 Vanisher. 1216 01:13:35,243 --> 01:13:36,995 Maybe the wind can't blow what it can't see. 1217 01:13:40,123 --> 01:13:41,541 Oh! Really? 1218 01:13:41,625 --> 01:13:43,418 All right, we could do this with 4. 1219 01:13:44,002 --> 01:13:46,963 Sugarbear. You got this, buddy! 1220 01:13:47,047 --> 01:13:49,174 That's the stuff! That's the X-Force spirit! 1221 01:13:50,383 --> 01:13:52,427 Never underestimate a man with a mustache! 1222 01:13:52,510 --> 01:13:54,012 Just ask anyone in Brooklyn. 1223 01:13:54,095 --> 01:13:55,263 We did it! 1224 01:13:55,347 --> 01:13:56,848 You're a goddamn superhero, you! 1225 01:13:56,932 --> 01:13:58,016 X-Force! 1226 01:13:58,642 --> 01:13:59,726 X-Force. 1227 01:14:04,105 --> 01:14:05,982 Oh! 1228 01:14:09,694 --> 01:14:10,695 Peter. 1229 01:14:10,779 --> 01:14:11,780 I got you, buddy! 1230 01:14:11,863 --> 01:14:12,906 You're gonna be fine! This is not good, man! 1231 01:14:12,989 --> 01:14:15,617 You got this, big guy! Here we go, Peter! 1232 01:14:15,700 --> 01:14:17,118 Look at me. We're X-Force, right? 1233 01:14:17,202 --> 01:14:19,329 Yeah, we're X-Force. We're X-Force. 1234 01:14:23,375 --> 01:14:25,377 Oh, my God! What the fuck? 1235 01:14:25,460 --> 01:14:27,420 Fucking acidic vomit! (SCREAMS) 1236 01:14:29,005 --> 01:14:31,758 Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up in my mask. 1237 01:14:34,886 --> 01:14:37,263 Okay, I'm over the convoy. 1238 01:14:37,347 --> 01:14:39,182 Where did the rest of the team land? 1239 01:14:39,808 --> 01:14:41,434 Good news and bad news. 1240 01:14:41,518 --> 01:14:44,604 Bad news is the whole team is dead. 1241 01:14:44,688 --> 01:14:45,772 The good news is, 1242 01:14:45,855 --> 01:14:47,816 I don't think anyone's gonna miss Shatterstar. 1243 01:14:47,899 --> 01:14:51,194 He was a bit of a prick. Oh, but Paul! 1244 01:14:51,277 --> 01:14:52,278 Peter! 1245 01:14:52,362 --> 01:14:53,780 Peter, I'm gonna miss him most. 1246 01:14:53,863 --> 01:14:54,948 But there is a slight chance 1247 01:14:55,031 --> 01:14:56,366 Vanisher could make it. 1248 01:14:56,449 --> 01:14:58,994 Nope, no chance. He's dead. 1249 01:14:59,077 --> 01:15:00,245 The whole team? 1250 01:15:00,328 --> 01:15:02,122 Only the main ones. We're still good. 1251 01:15:02,205 --> 01:15:03,456 Fuck, you are dumb. 1252 01:15:03,540 --> 01:15:05,125 Whoever planned this stunt's 1253 01:15:05,208 --> 01:15:07,377 been smoking a lot jazz cabbage. 1254 01:15:07,460 --> 01:15:08,545 I'll tell you that much. 1255 01:15:08,628 --> 01:15:10,255 That's pretty obvious! 1256 01:15:10,338 --> 01:15:12,048 Looking good, Vanisher. 1257 01:15:21,891 --> 01:15:23,768 They're headed into the tunnel. 1258 01:15:24,769 --> 01:15:26,187 I'm that kid's only hope, 1259 01:15:26,271 --> 01:15:28,148 so sit tight and wait for my word. 1260 01:15:28,898 --> 01:15:29,899 Whatever. 1261 01:15:29,983 --> 01:15:31,151 We're gonna lose 'em. I'm dropping in. 1262 01:15:31,234 --> 01:15:34,154 Uh, that's a negative, sole survivor. 1263 01:15:34,237 --> 01:15:36,740 Luck is not a superpower! We are so fucked! 1264 01:15:36,823 --> 01:15:39,868 No, we most certainly are not fucked. 1265 01:15:42,996 --> 01:15:45,623 Seriously, I don't get it! 1266 01:15:45,707 --> 01:15:48,168 What, you shoot luck lasers out of your eyes? 1267 01:15:50,336 --> 01:15:52,130 It's just it's hard to picture. 1268 01:15:52,213 --> 01:15:54,340 And certainly not very cinematic. 1269 01:15:57,010 --> 01:15:58,595 I mean, luck? 1270 01:15:58,678 --> 01:16:01,181 What coked out, glass pipe-sucking 1271 01:16:01,264 --> 01:16:02,599 freakshow comic book artist... 1272 01:16:02,682 --> 01:16:04,267 came up with that little chestnut? 1273 01:16:04,350 --> 01:16:06,644 Probably a guy who can't draw feet! 1274 01:16:17,739 --> 01:16:20,992 Once again, it all falls on my shoulders. 1275 01:16:21,076 --> 01:16:22,243 It's why I'm cursed to be solo act. 1276 01:16:22,327 --> 01:16:23,328 Wander the Earth... I'm in. 1277 01:16:23,411 --> 01:16:24,871 I'm sorry, what did you say? 1278 01:16:24,954 --> 01:16:26,039 I'm in. 1279 01:16:26,122 --> 01:16:27,999 How in the fuck are you in already? 1280 01:16:28,458 --> 01:16:29,709 Oh, shit. 1281 01:16:30,293 --> 01:16:31,503 It's Cable. 12 o'clock. 1282 01:16:31,586 --> 01:16:32,629 Okay. 1283 01:16:32,712 --> 01:16:35,131 New plan. Use all of your imaginary powers 1284 01:16:35,215 --> 01:16:37,926 to stop Cable from killing that kid. 1285 01:16:38,009 --> 01:16:39,636 I'm coming up on your six. 1286 01:16:47,894 --> 01:16:49,896 That gun is amazing! 1287 01:16:59,072 --> 01:17:00,990 Hey! Asshole! 1288 01:17:01,157 --> 01:17:02,742 Where is he? I can't see him. 1289 01:17:02,826 --> 01:17:04,327 He's on top of you. 1290 01:17:04,619 --> 01:17:06,079 He's tearing you open! 1291 01:17:06,538 --> 01:17:07,956 He's going in through the back! 1292 01:17:08,498 --> 01:17:09,582 Oh, God, he's inside! 1293 01:17:09,666 --> 01:17:10,917 You hear yourself, right? 1294 01:17:11,000 --> 01:17:12,418 Accidental double entendres! 1295 01:17:12,502 --> 01:17:14,963 Russell! Russell Collins! 1296 01:17:15,046 --> 01:17:16,965 Hands off that kid, John Connor! 1297 01:17:21,970 --> 01:17:22,971 No, no, no! 1298 01:17:27,308 --> 01:17:28,434 Shit! 1299 01:17:50,373 --> 01:17:52,292 Two can play that game! 1300 01:17:54,419 --> 01:17:56,254 Got it! No, l don't. 1301 01:17:57,255 --> 01:17:58,256 Showtime, mama! 1302 01:17:58,339 --> 01:17:59,966 Lady Luck, take the wheel. 1303 01:18:37,712 --> 01:18:39,464 I'd ask who you are, but you'll be dead in a second. 1304 01:18:39,631 --> 01:18:41,674 I'm Domino, and doubtful. 1305 01:18:58,274 --> 01:18:59,275 Hang in there, Doms! 1306 01:19:00,610 --> 01:19:02,237 Oh, this is really hard. 1307 01:19:14,499 --> 01:19:15,917 And give me back my Skee-Ball token. 1308 01:19:19,462 --> 01:19:21,005 You're doing great. X-Force. 1309 01:19:22,966 --> 01:19:24,968 I guess dubstep never dies. 1310 01:19:29,264 --> 01:19:30,306 Whoo! 1311 01:19:37,188 --> 01:19:39,983 You killed Black Tom, you racist son of a bitch! 1312 01:19:42,777 --> 01:19:43,903 That's unfortunate. 1313 01:19:47,031 --> 01:19:48,283 We got no brakes! 1314 01:19:48,449 --> 01:19:49,701 Figure it out! 1315 01:19:54,080 --> 01:19:55,623 There's nothing I can't kill. 1316 01:19:58,418 --> 01:20:00,920 Well, as Scoutmaster Kevin used to say... 1317 01:20:01,004 --> 01:20:03,339 "There's a first time for everything, son." 1318 01:20:05,049 --> 01:20:06,634 Give me your best shot, One-Eyed Willy. 1319 01:20:21,482 --> 01:20:23,401 Those bullets were, like, super fast. 1320 01:20:23,985 --> 01:20:24,986 Here we go. 1321 01:20:26,070 --> 01:20:28,281 Domino, mind slowing us down? 1322 01:20:28,364 --> 01:20:30,450 Here goes nothing. 1323 01:21:01,647 --> 01:21:03,399 Knock, knock. 1324 01:21:09,947 --> 01:21:10,948 That's my boy. 1325 01:21:17,372 --> 01:21:18,539 Holy... 1326 01:21:28,841 --> 01:21:30,426 I'll be first to admit... 1327 01:21:30,510 --> 01:21:32,887 this did not go according to plan. 1328 01:21:34,222 --> 01:21:35,765 I'll also be the first to admit that 1329 01:21:35,848 --> 01:21:37,683 that plan was written in crayon. 1330 01:21:37,767 --> 01:21:40,978 Looks like Russell found new friend. Jelly. 1331 01:21:41,062 --> 01:21:42,605 Turns out Domino's bit ofa badass, 1332 01:21:42,688 --> 01:21:45,566 and maybe, possibly mildly lucky. 1333 01:21:45,650 --> 01:21:48,903 But Cable? Ugh. That guy's in a mood. 1334 01:21:48,986 --> 01:21:50,054 A mood that is 1335 01:21:50,238 --> 01:21:52,031 about to get significantly worse. 1336 01:22:15,805 --> 01:22:18,224 Something is so terribly, terribly wrong. 1337 01:22:21,185 --> 01:22:22,645 Oh. 1338 01:22:24,439 --> 01:22:26,065 Oh, God, that hurt. 1339 01:22:26,149 --> 01:22:27,775 Suck it, Mel Gibson. 1340 01:22:31,320 --> 01:22:32,405 Russell. 1341 01:22:35,116 --> 01:22:36,200 Russell! 1342 01:22:36,826 --> 01:22:38,911 Russ, where are ya? 1343 01:22:42,540 --> 01:22:44,625 Russell. Russell, you're okay! 1344 01:22:44,792 --> 01:22:47,962 Oh, thank God. Oh, my God! 1345 01:22:48,254 --> 01:22:49,464 Juggernaut! 1346 01:22:50,798 --> 01:22:52,800 I thought that was you! 1347 01:22:52,884 --> 01:22:54,969 I should've worn my white pants. 1348 01:22:55,720 --> 01:22:58,723 You probably get this a lot, but I am a huge fan. 1349 01:22:59,599 --> 01:23:02,894 Uncanny X-Men 183. Thor 411. 1350 01:23:02,977 --> 01:23:04,270 X-Men Unlimited 12. 1351 01:23:04,353 --> 01:23:06,439 You know, it has always been a dream of mine... 1352 01:23:06,522 --> 01:23:08,274 to see my face reflected in your helmet... 1353 01:23:08,357 --> 01:23:10,526 as you charge at me with murderous intent. 1354 01:23:10,610 --> 01:23:12,111 I don't mean right now. 1355 01:23:12,445 --> 01:23:14,322 I'm gonna rip you in half now. 1356 01:23:14,405 --> 01:23:16,741 That is such a Juggernaut thing to say. 1357 01:23:20,828 --> 01:23:24,832 Oh, my God! I can't feel my legs. 1358 01:23:24,916 --> 01:23:26,000 I can't feel... 1359 01:23:26,959 --> 01:23:28,461 Oh, no, they're right here. 1360 01:23:29,295 --> 01:23:31,047 Got 'em. God, Russell. 1361 01:23:31,130 --> 01:23:32,965 I have a mission. 1362 01:23:33,508 --> 01:23:34,634 To get my revenge. 1363 01:23:35,134 --> 01:23:37,386 I'm going to burn that headmaster alive. 1364 01:23:37,470 --> 01:23:39,639 You're not the revenge type. 1365 01:23:39,722 --> 01:23:40,890 Take it from a friend. 1366 01:23:41,307 --> 01:23:45,019 Friend? You were sick, and I protected you. 1367 01:23:45,186 --> 01:23:47,313 You said it yourself. 1368 01:23:47,396 --> 01:23:50,066 "I'm not your friend. Find someone stronger." 1369 01:23:50,149 --> 01:23:51,359 So I did. 1370 01:23:53,110 --> 01:23:55,154 Russell, I couldn't protect you back then. 1371 01:23:55,321 --> 01:23:58,783 But I can now. What do you want me to say, huh? 1372 01:23:59,367 --> 01:24:01,202 "I care about you"? 'Cause goddamn it, 1373 01:24:01,285 --> 01:24:03,120 I care about you, Russell. 1374 01:24:03,746 --> 01:24:05,831 What's Juggernaut got that I don't have? 1375 01:24:05,915 --> 01:24:09,085 Don't you say legs! I know you're gonna say legs! 1376 01:24:09,627 --> 01:24:12,421 Legs! Still hurts to hear out loud! 1377 01:24:14,590 --> 01:24:17,510 What is that? That's not a real rope! 1378 01:24:17,593 --> 01:24:19,929 You get back here, young man! 1379 01:24:20,888 --> 01:24:22,014 Doms! 1380 01:24:22,390 --> 01:24:24,559 Doms, get me out of here, please. 1381 01:24:24,642 --> 01:24:27,061 Use my arms as backpack straps. 1382 01:24:29,772 --> 01:24:30,856 I think we may have found 1383 01:24:30,940 --> 01:24:32,733 your cosmic reason for being here. 1384 01:24:33,150 --> 01:24:34,902 I'm pretty sure this isn't it. 1385 01:24:34,986 --> 01:24:36,237 X-Force. 1386 01:24:49,750 --> 01:24:51,544 No child is hopeless. 1387 01:24:51,627 --> 01:24:54,422 Don't give up on the boy. How could he just walk away? 1388 01:24:55,172 --> 01:24:57,425 It was the coldness in his eyes. 1389 01:24:57,883 --> 01:24:59,468 You should've heard it. 1390 01:25:01,387 --> 01:25:03,681 I guess family really is an F-word. 1391 01:25:04,599 --> 01:25:06,767 Rub my legs, Mama. 1392 01:25:06,851 --> 01:25:08,227 Why would I rub your legs? 1393 01:25:08,311 --> 01:25:10,896 Please, they hurt. I have growing pains. 1394 01:25:14,358 --> 01:25:15,568 What in the... 1395 01:25:16,068 --> 01:25:18,321 Why is your hand so tiny again? 1396 01:25:18,821 --> 01:25:20,197 That's not my hand. 1397 01:25:20,698 --> 01:25:22,533 Oh! Mary, mother of Joseph! 1398 01:25:23,117 --> 01:25:24,994 That was nice for me. 1399 01:25:25,077 --> 01:25:27,830 Wade! I heard what happened with the convoy and... 1400 01:25:32,335 --> 01:25:34,170 Why wouldn't you cover that up? 1401 01:25:34,670 --> 01:25:36,839 A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of. 1402 01:25:36,922 --> 01:25:38,841 Yeah, but you do. Look at you. 1403 01:25:38,924 --> 01:25:40,926 You're just straight shirt-cocking it, 1404 01:25:41,010 --> 01:25:42,428 toddler-style. 1405 01:25:42,511 --> 01:25:44,430 Oh, yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh. 1406 01:25:44,513 --> 01:25:46,474 The hell's happening? Describe it. 1407 01:25:46,557 --> 01:25:47,767 I wouldn't ask him to do that, if I were you. 1408 01:25:47,850 --> 01:25:49,435 It's like, um... Here we go. 1409 01:25:49,518 --> 01:25:50,728 It's like he was giving birth anally, 1410 01:25:50,811 --> 01:25:52,313 but they quit halfway through. 1411 01:25:52,396 --> 01:25:53,481 They got the legs out, and they said, 1412 01:25:53,564 --> 01:25:54,899 "You know what, I'm done." 1413 01:25:54,982 --> 01:25:55,983 Happy? 1414 01:25:56,067 --> 01:25:57,109 It's like he's a Muppet from the waist down. 1415 01:25:57,193 --> 01:25:58,527 But this time, you can see 1416 01:25:58,611 --> 01:26:00,029 the Muppet's dick. 1417 01:26:00,112 --> 01:26:01,238 Grover's got a cock the size of a twig. 1418 01:26:01,322 --> 01:26:02,615 Mr. Weasel, I can no longer be double-parked. 1419 01:26:02,698 --> 01:26:04,367 I've had three tickets already. 1420 01:26:05,993 --> 01:26:08,454 No, no, no, DP, not again! 1421 01:26:08,788 --> 01:26:10,331 This has happened before? 1422 01:26:11,457 --> 01:26:12,875 Jesus! Either vomit or don't. 1423 01:26:12,958 --> 01:26:14,251 The indecision is killing me. 1424 01:26:14,335 --> 01:26:16,212 Why couldn't God take my hearing? 1425 01:26:17,797 --> 01:26:19,965 Oh. WOW! 1426 01:26:20,049 --> 01:26:21,676 Cool your pits. They're growing back. 1427 01:26:21,759 --> 01:26:23,344 I'm talking about your face. 1428 01:26:23,761 --> 01:26:25,638 I've never seen you without your mask before. 1429 01:26:25,721 --> 01:26:27,890 Jesus Christ! Looks like an avocado. 1430 01:26:27,973 --> 01:26:29,600 Your legs, though, they're cute. 1431 01:26:29,934 --> 01:26:31,727 You wanna borrow a pair of pants? 1432 01:26:33,312 --> 01:26:34,855 I'm glad everybody dropped by. 1433 01:26:34,939 --> 01:26:37,233 You must be wondering why I didn't call you here. 1434 01:26:37,692 --> 01:26:39,276 I'll tell you why I'm here. 1435 01:26:39,360 --> 01:26:41,654 "The Time Traveler's Wife's" husband. 1436 01:26:41,737 --> 01:26:42,905 Beat me within an inch of my life. 1437 01:26:42,988 --> 01:26:44,240 He was torturing me! 1438 01:26:44,323 --> 01:26:47,243 But all I told him was everything he wanted to know. 1439 01:26:47,326 --> 01:26:49,495 So, I'm here to help us gear up. 1440 01:26:49,995 --> 01:26:51,122 S0 we can go after him without me. 1441 01:26:51,205 --> 01:26:52,206 No! 1442 01:26:52,623 --> 01:26:53,958 I'm doing this alone. 1443 01:26:54,041 --> 01:26:55,126 The Juggernaut 1444 01:26:55,209 --> 01:26:56,377 will kill you all. Fair enough. 1445 01:26:56,460 --> 01:26:58,504 l just need a couple of hours to get some legs 1446 01:26:58,587 --> 01:26:59,672 under me. What will you do? 1447 01:26:59,755 --> 01:27:01,048 I don't care what the kid did to me. 1448 01:27:01,132 --> 01:27:02,425 I ain't letting Cable get to him, 1449 01:27:02,508 --> 01:27:03,801 even ifl have to teabag him to death. 1450 01:27:03,884 --> 01:27:05,886 It's reallyjust a sip of tea at this point. 1451 01:27:05,970 --> 01:27:07,722 Zip it, black Black Widow! I'm flowing. 1452 01:27:07,805 --> 01:27:08,806 The first order of business is 1453 01:27:08,889 --> 01:27:09,974 to get me in front of Cable... 1454 01:27:10,057 --> 01:27:11,684 so I can pull all the fucking blood out of his body... 1455 01:27:11,767 --> 01:27:14,103 and fashion his bones into holiday jewelry. 1456 01:27:14,186 --> 01:27:15,938 Then, I'm gonna take his skin... 1457 01:27:16,021 --> 01:27:19,108 and stretch it out over a homemade mating drum. 1458 01:27:20,693 --> 01:27:22,278 He's standing right behind you, isn't he? 1459 01:27:30,953 --> 01:27:32,705 What in the ass? 1460 01:27:32,997 --> 01:27:36,083 Is this apartment listed on Tinder? Grindr? 1461 01:27:36,375 --> 01:27:38,919 You picked the wrong shithole to fuck, future boy. 1462 01:27:39,462 --> 01:27:42,006 Ugh. ls that really necessary? 1463 01:27:44,258 --> 01:27:46,927 No. It's his "Basic lnstinct." 1464 01:27:47,094 --> 01:27:48,137 What can we help you with? 1465 01:27:48,846 --> 01:27:50,514 I'm here to proposition you. 1466 01:27:52,016 --> 01:27:53,100 Oh, boy! 1467 01:27:53,184 --> 01:27:54,185 He's really teeing it up, isn't he? 1468 01:27:54,268 --> 01:27:56,353 Who gets to make the first joke? 1469 01:27:56,437 --> 01:27:57,730 I think we should all do it at the same time. 1470 01:27:57,813 --> 01:27:58,814 Good call. 1471 01:27:58,898 --> 01:28:00,441 For $45, you get sucky-suck. 1472 01:28:00,524 --> 01:28:01,692 I only do over the pants, mouth stuff. 1473 01:28:01,776 --> 01:28:02,860 Fuck! 1474 01:28:02,943 --> 01:28:03,986 The Proposition has a wonderful 1475 01:28:04,069 --> 01:28:05,070 Guy Pearce performance. 1476 01:28:05,154 --> 01:28:06,906 Wait, wait, wait! I wanna do mine over. 1477 01:28:07,239 --> 01:28:09,325 Give us the line again. I need your help! 1478 01:28:09,867 --> 01:28:12,161 Trust me, I'm even less happy about this than you are... 1479 01:28:12,244 --> 01:28:14,872 but you unleashed the Juggernaut, you dumb cunt! 1480 01:28:15,414 --> 01:28:17,666 I can't bring him down alone. 1481 01:28:17,833 --> 01:28:19,376 So here we are. 1482 01:28:20,711 --> 01:28:22,463 We're no longer accepting applications 1483 01:28:22,546 --> 01:28:23,923 for X-Force, unfortunately. 1484 01:28:24,006 --> 01:28:25,424 Even if we were... 1485 01:28:25,508 --> 01:28:27,134 there's a wind advisory in effect until at least... 1486 01:28:27,218 --> 01:28:28,385 We don't have a lot of time. 1487 01:28:28,469 --> 01:28:30,221 Your friend's about to make his first kill. 1488 01:28:30,304 --> 01:28:31,764 No offense, but if you know so much... 1489 01:28:31,847 --> 01:28:34,183 why not travel back to when he was a baby, kill him then? 1490 01:28:34,767 --> 01:28:35,768 Or better yet, head back a little further, 1491 01:28:35,851 --> 01:28:36,852 kill baby Hitler. 1492 01:28:36,936 --> 01:28:38,896 I use a device to slide through time. 1493 01:28:38,979 --> 01:28:41,607 The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. 1494 01:28:41,690 --> 01:28:44,276 I got two charges: one to get me here, 1495 01:28:44,360 --> 01:28:45,486 one to get me home. 1496 01:28:45,569 --> 01:28:46,695 Well. 1497 01:28:46,779 --> 01:28:48,656 That's just lazy writing. 1498 01:28:48,739 --> 01:28:49,949 Your boy's gonna kill the headmaster 1499 01:28:50,032 --> 01:28:51,575 of the orphanage tonight. 1500 01:28:51,659 --> 01:28:53,744 After that, he gets a real taste for it. 1501 01:28:53,828 --> 01:28:56,539 Like 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker! 1502 01:28:56,622 --> 01:28:58,582 So he keeps killing... 1503 01:28:58,666 --> 01:29:00,125 and killing, and killing, 1504 01:29:00,209 --> 01:29:01,418 and killing. 1505 01:29:01,752 --> 01:29:04,964 Until one day, he kills the wrong fucking people. 1506 01:29:07,550 --> 01:29:08,926 My People. 1507 01:29:12,847 --> 01:29:13,973 Relax. 1508 01:29:14,056 --> 01:29:16,517 I'm retrieving something from my utility bag. 1509 01:29:16,600 --> 01:29:19,144 It's a goddamn fanny pack... 1510 01:29:19,228 --> 01:29:21,772 and you know it, you sick son of a bitch! 1511 01:29:21,856 --> 01:29:23,524 The difference is night and day. 1512 01:29:25,359 --> 01:29:27,486 You remind me of my wife. 1513 01:29:27,653 --> 01:29:28,779 I'm sorry. 1514 01:29:29,196 --> 01:29:30,239 I said, "You remind me of my wife." 1515 01:29:30,322 --> 01:29:31,615 No, I'm sorry that you said that... 1516 01:29:31,699 --> 01:29:34,451 while making heavy eye contact and applying lip balm. 1517 01:29:34,535 --> 01:29:35,703 She always struggled. 1518 01:29:36,829 --> 01:29:38,247 But she was funny... 1519 01:29:38,330 --> 01:29:40,833 and filtered her pain through the prism of humor. 1520 01:29:41,709 --> 01:29:43,919 Something I could never master. 1521 01:29:44,837 --> 01:29:47,047 It was my fault she died. 1522 01:29:48,674 --> 01:29:51,343 It was my job to stop people like him. 1523 01:29:52,386 --> 01:29:54,346 I came close a few times. 1524 01:29:58,559 --> 01:30:00,227 He wasn't too happy about that. 1525 01:30:01,937 --> 01:30:03,063 He was trying to hurt me... 1526 01:30:03,147 --> 01:30:05,107 and he knew exactly how to do it. 1527 01:30:09,153 --> 01:30:10,821 Blessed are the wicked 1528 01:30:10,905 --> 01:30:12,489 who are healed by my hand. 1529 01:30:15,618 --> 01:30:17,036 He came into my home... 1530 01:30:17,995 --> 01:30:20,873 and took the only thing that made it a home. 1531 01:30:25,085 --> 01:30:26,462 Sound familiar? 1532 01:30:27,504 --> 01:30:29,089 I'm sorry. Uh-huh. 1533 01:30:29,173 --> 01:30:30,841 No, I'm really sorry. 1534 01:30:33,052 --> 01:30:35,179 But that isn't Russell. 1535 01:30:35,262 --> 01:30:37,097 It doesn't have to be him. If you knew what I knew... 1536 01:30:37,181 --> 01:30:39,183 Yeah, he's got anger issues... 1537 01:30:39,266 --> 01:30:40,768 maybe a small learning disability... 1538 01:30:40,851 --> 01:30:42,227 splash of diabetes... 1539 01:30:42,311 --> 01:30:43,604 but nothing that can't be fixed. 1540 01:30:43,687 --> 01:30:45,314 If you could go back... 1541 01:30:45,397 --> 01:30:48,067 and stop the people that took your girl, would you? 1542 01:30:48,359 --> 01:30:49,568 No. 1543 01:30:49,652 --> 01:30:51,362 I'd buy them all a bouquet of hand jobs. 1544 01:30:51,445 --> 01:30:53,197 Of course I fucking would! 1545 01:30:53,948 --> 01:30:55,032 But I wouldn't kill a kid. 1546 01:30:55,115 --> 01:30:57,117 I'm not asking you to kill a kid! 1547 01:30:57,201 --> 01:30:58,744 I'll kill the kid. 1548 01:30:58,827 --> 01:31:02,289 I'm asking you to save hundreds of other kids. 1549 01:31:02,373 --> 01:31:04,667 Russell's gonna burn down that orphanage. 1550 01:31:04,750 --> 01:31:06,752 And I can imagine your dead girlfriend... 1551 01:31:06,835 --> 01:31:09,088 would want you to do the right thing, wouldn't she? 1552 01:31:10,089 --> 01:31:12,675 So, what's it gonna be, handsome? 1553 01:31:13,342 --> 01:31:15,010 Give me a chance to save him. 1554 01:31:15,094 --> 01:31:16,512 What? You said... 1555 01:31:16,595 --> 01:31:18,180 once he kills someone, he gets a taste for it. 1556 01:31:18,263 --> 01:31:20,599 Ifwe can get to him before that happens... 1557 01:31:20,683 --> 01:31:22,309 promise you'll give me a chance 1558 01:31:22,393 --> 01:31:24,186 to put him on a different path. 1559 01:31:24,269 --> 01:31:25,437 Define "chance." 1560 01:31:25,521 --> 01:31:26,689 I don't know. How long does it take 1561 01:31:26,772 --> 01:31:28,065 to save someone's soul? That's not... 1562 01:31:28,148 --> 01:31:29,400 I'll give you 30 seconds. 1563 01:31:29,483 --> 01:31:31,485 What? No! Best I can do. 1564 01:31:31,568 --> 01:31:32,861 Take it or leave it. 1565 01:31:43,330 --> 01:31:44,748 He's doing it! 1566 01:31:44,832 --> 01:31:46,375 Look at the little fella. He's doing it. 1567 01:31:46,500 --> 01:31:48,335 There he goes. 1568 01:31:48,502 --> 01:31:49,920 Jesus Christ! 1569 01:31:50,004 --> 01:31:51,463 Just shirt-cocking it. 1570 01:31:51,547 --> 01:31:52,548 Ugh. 1571 01:31:53,507 --> 01:31:54,842 There you go, little fella. 1572 01:31:55,592 --> 01:31:56,927 Go on, you're doing it! 1573 01:31:57,344 --> 01:32:00,180 My beautiful, hairless, Twizzler-legged baby boy. 1574 01:32:02,391 --> 01:32:03,475 Christ! 1575 01:32:03,559 --> 01:32:05,185 That's disturbing. 1576 01:32:05,269 --> 01:32:06,687 30 seconds. 1577 01:32:12,067 --> 01:32:13,569 Deal. Deal. 1578 01:32:19,992 --> 01:32:23,037 Man, that sucks they didn't have anything in your size. 1579 01:32:23,120 --> 01:32:25,080 I really wanted to match, you know? 1580 01:32:25,164 --> 01:32:27,166 Being a menacing team. 1581 01:32:27,249 --> 01:32:28,375 Oh, man, it sucks. 1582 01:32:28,459 --> 01:32:30,044 That was some cold-ass shit, kid. 1583 01:32:31,754 --> 01:32:34,256 And that is just the first five steps 1584 01:32:34,339 --> 01:32:36,050 to a prostate-assisted orgasm. 1585 01:32:36,967 --> 01:32:38,385 Where the hell are we going? 1586 01:32:38,469 --> 01:32:39,720 You said it yourself. 1587 01:32:39,803 --> 01:32:42,723 Nothing can stop the Juggernaut. We need backup. 1588 01:32:42,806 --> 01:32:45,559 I will bathe in the blood of your enemies. 1589 01:32:49,897 --> 01:32:51,523 Can you turn off the music? 1590 01:32:52,524 --> 01:32:54,526 You'll do no such thing. 1591 01:32:54,693 --> 01:32:56,528 Why don't you just say it in an Indian accent? 1592 01:32:56,612 --> 01:32:58,322 I'm sorry? Apology accepted. 1593 01:32:58,405 --> 01:33:00,449 This is a side of you I do not like. 1594 01:33:00,532 --> 01:33:01,533 Let me guess, 1595 01:33:01,617 --> 01:33:03,160 some of your best friends in the future are Indian. 1596 01:33:03,452 --> 01:33:04,578 What the hell are you...? 1597 01:33:04,661 --> 01:33:06,580 Once again, intolerance rears its ugly head. 1598 01:33:06,663 --> 01:33:07,915 I am so sorry. lt gets better. 1599 01:33:07,998 --> 01:33:09,541 I'm not a fucking racist, moron! 1600 01:33:09,625 --> 01:33:11,502 That's precisely what a racist would say. 1601 01:33:11,710 --> 01:33:13,337 I'm with the old white guy on this one. 1602 01:33:13,420 --> 01:33:14,630 And that's a twist. 1603 01:33:14,713 --> 01:33:15,839 When this is over... 1604 01:33:15,923 --> 01:33:18,092 I'm going to fuck you to death with your own broken feet. 1605 01:33:18,175 --> 01:33:20,302 And a sexual predator, too. That's rich. 1606 01:33:20,385 --> 01:33:21,762 I should have finished college. 1607 01:33:21,845 --> 01:33:22,930 So what exactly do you 1608 01:33:23,013 --> 01:33:24,014 do in the future, anyway, huh? 1609 01:33:24,098 --> 01:33:25,307 Some kind of soldier? 1610 01:33:25,390 --> 01:33:27,184 Yeah, something like that. 1611 01:33:27,267 --> 01:33:29,436 I was a soldier. Special Forces. 1612 01:33:29,520 --> 01:33:32,147 I bet 50 years from now, we're bestest buddies. 1613 01:33:32,231 --> 01:33:34,191 50 years from now, you're very dead. 1614 01:33:34,274 --> 01:33:36,652 Your entire generation fucked this planet into a coma. 1615 01:33:36,735 --> 01:33:38,278 Boom! 1616 01:33:38,362 --> 01:33:39,613 Spoiler alert. 1617 01:33:40,864 --> 01:33:42,074 Planets. 1618 01:33:42,241 --> 01:33:43,784 Next time, Uber. 1619 01:33:43,867 --> 01:33:45,160 Here's a spoiler alert. 1620 01:33:46,328 --> 01:33:48,122 You're not a fucking hero. 1621 01:33:48,330 --> 01:33:52,042 You're just an annoying clown dressed up as a sex toy. 1622 01:33:52,417 --> 01:33:53,585 Well, I got news for you. 1623 01:33:53,669 --> 01:33:54,962 My heart is in the right place. 1624 01:33:55,045 --> 01:33:56,547 Russell's not gonna kill anyone. 1625 01:33:56,630 --> 01:33:58,549 Because of me, he's gonna know what real love looks like. 1626 01:33:58,632 --> 01:33:59,675 We're all going to die. 1627 01:33:59,758 --> 01:34:00,968 Because of you, I'll always know 1628 01:34:01,051 --> 01:34:02,928 what a grown man with baby balls looks like. 1629 01:34:03,053 --> 01:34:05,347 I'm a grower, not a shower. 1630 01:34:05,514 --> 01:34:06,640 God, I wish this were a bus 1631 01:34:06,723 --> 01:34:07,850 where I could pull the string and get out. 1632 01:34:07,933 --> 01:34:09,560 It's a good thing Cable's not driving, 1633 01:34:09,643 --> 01:34:10,644 or you'd be in the back. 1634 01:34:10,853 --> 01:34:12,646 I am in the back. Right here! 1635 01:34:31,373 --> 01:34:33,041 I made mistakes! 1636 01:34:33,500 --> 01:34:35,043 I wanna take them back! 1637 01:34:35,210 --> 01:34:38,088 You trusted me. I took that trust... 1638 01:34:38,213 --> 01:34:39,631 and turned it into a glory hole 1639 01:34:39,715 --> 01:34:41,216 in an airport bathroom. 1640 01:34:41,300 --> 01:34:44,052 The one in Minneapolis. You know the one. 1641 01:34:44,636 --> 01:34:47,181 But even you know I'm not a complete piece of shit. 1642 01:34:47,264 --> 01:34:48,765 I was once an X-Man. 1643 01:34:48,849 --> 01:34:49,892 Trainee! 1644 01:34:54,563 --> 01:34:57,065 You're still using my Velcro labels. Aw. 1645 01:34:57,149 --> 01:34:58,734 They do stick better than tape. 1646 01:34:58,817 --> 01:34:59,818 Hi, Wade! 1647 01:34:59,902 --> 01:35:00,903 Please don't. 1648 01:35:00,986 --> 01:35:03,739 Say whatever it is you're here to say. Make it quick. 1649 01:35:03,822 --> 01:35:04,823 Right. Quick. 1650 01:35:04,907 --> 01:35:06,783 It's the kid. Just like you, I let him down. 1651 01:35:06,867 --> 01:35:07,868 And just like me, 1652 01:35:07,951 --> 01:35:09,161 he's never had anyone sacrifice anything for him... 1653 01:35:09,244 --> 01:35:10,495 because the whole world wrote him off 1654 01:35:10,579 --> 01:35:11,955 as a piece of shit a long time ago. 1655 01:35:12,039 --> 01:35:13,707 Look, he's teamed up with the Juggernaut! 1656 01:35:13,790 --> 01:35:14,958 The Juggernaut! 1657 01:35:15,334 --> 01:35:17,044 Who's, like, my favorite Marvel character ever... 1658 01:35:17,127 --> 01:35:19,296 And hi, Yukio! That was really nice of you to say hi... 1659 01:35:19,379 --> 01:35:20,714 so I'm saying hi back. 1660 01:35:20,797 --> 01:35:22,132 You guys make a super cute couple. 1661 01:35:22,216 --> 01:35:23,884 Yeah. Where was I? 1662 01:35:23,967 --> 01:35:25,802 Oh, yeah. You should never meet your heroes... 1663 01:35:25,886 --> 01:35:27,554 because, honestly, he's a bit of a dick! 1664 01:35:27,638 --> 01:35:29,389 And like a lot of dicks, he's hard as a rock... 1665 01:35:29,473 --> 01:35:30,682 and causes nothing but problems! 1666 01:35:30,766 --> 01:35:33,769 Look, you can stop the Juggernaut. I know you can. 1667 01:35:33,852 --> 01:35:37,022 Do you know what would happen to me if I helped you? 1668 01:35:37,105 --> 01:35:39,149 I would be disgraced. 1669 01:35:39,233 --> 01:35:41,235 You are a criminal, a fugitive. 1670 01:35:41,318 --> 01:35:42,819 But worst of all... 1671 01:35:42,903 --> 01:35:44,655 you broke my heart, Wade. 1672 01:35:46,323 --> 01:35:47,366 Then you know what? 1673 01:35:47,449 --> 01:35:48,951 Your heart's in the wrong place, big guy. 1674 01:35:50,244 --> 01:35:52,913 Doing the right thing is sometimes messy... 1675 01:35:52,996 --> 01:35:56,333 and fucked up, and not particularly convenient! 1676 01:35:56,416 --> 01:35:59,503 So stay here in Cheteau de Virgin... 1677 01:35:59,586 --> 01:36:01,713 while we go get our fuck on! 1678 01:36:04,883 --> 01:36:06,260 You're doing great. 1679 01:36:11,932 --> 01:36:13,392 So you wear that helmet because 1680 01:36:13,475 --> 01:36:15,185 your brother tries to read your mind? 1681 01:36:15,269 --> 01:36:18,480 Yeah, but he's in a wheelchair, so even-steven. 1682 01:36:18,563 --> 01:36:21,024 Someone's coming. It's Russell, sir. 1683 01:36:21,108 --> 01:36:23,026 And he's not alone. 1684 01:36:23,110 --> 01:36:24,778 Secure the children. 1685 01:36:27,197 --> 01:36:29,574 They will not replace us. 1686 01:36:29,992 --> 01:36:32,286 What do you say we go fuck some shit up? 1687 01:36:32,828 --> 01:36:36,665 "Let's fuck some shit up" is my legal middle name. 1688 01:36:40,002 --> 01:36:42,462 Watch my back. I've got the old man. 1689 01:36:42,671 --> 01:36:44,214 Amen, brother. 1690 01:36:50,762 --> 01:36:52,264 Time to make the chimichangas. 1691 01:36:52,431 --> 01:36:54,057 30 seconds. 1692 01:36:54,683 --> 01:36:56,810 I finally know why I'm here. 1693 01:36:57,227 --> 01:36:59,146 I was raised in this place. 1694 01:36:59,229 --> 01:37:01,440 Well, not raised. I was tortured. 1695 01:37:01,523 --> 01:37:04,359 Wow! It's your cosmic reason for being here. 1696 01:37:04,443 --> 01:37:05,736 Shall we? This is gonna be fun. 1697 01:37:05,819 --> 01:37:06,862 Yeah! 1698 01:37:06,945 --> 01:37:08,280 Hey! Been meaning to ask you... 1699 01:37:08,363 --> 01:37:11,616 what's with the dirty, disgusting hobo bear? 1700 01:37:11,700 --> 01:37:14,369 It's not dirt. It's the blood of my dead daughter. 1701 01:37:14,911 --> 01:37:17,289 Are You Bear, God? It's Me, Margaret. 1702 01:37:17,664 --> 01:37:19,041 Give me some. 1703 01:37:19,124 --> 01:37:20,625 They say laughter heals anything... 1704 01:37:20,751 --> 01:37:21,835 except, of course, that. 1705 01:37:21,918 --> 01:37:23,128 We should just cue the music. 1706 01:37:48,278 --> 01:37:50,989 Welcome home, Russell. We missed you. 1707 01:37:52,199 --> 01:37:53,200 Russell! 1708 01:37:53,283 --> 01:37:55,702 You don't need to do this! Let's talk! 1709 01:37:56,745 --> 01:37:57,996 Why are you dressed like the Unabomber? 1710 01:38:02,376 --> 01:38:03,377 That's why! 1711 01:38:03,460 --> 01:38:04,503 Told you this little fucker's too far gone. 1712 01:38:04,586 --> 01:38:06,713 Zip it, Thanos! We have a deal and you fuck... 1713 01:38:06,797 --> 01:38:08,757 Hey! 1714 01:38:09,299 --> 01:38:12,427 I'm gonna shove that cab driver right up your ass. 1715 01:38:13,553 --> 01:38:15,722 My body and my hands are so soft. 1716 01:38:15,806 --> 01:38:16,973 You should probably head back to the car. 1717 01:38:17,099 --> 01:38:18,642 I think I'll head back to the car. 1718 01:38:19,935 --> 01:38:22,604 It works best when you pull the trigger. 1719 01:38:25,524 --> 01:38:26,817 That gun is amazing! 1720 01:38:28,151 --> 01:38:29,361 Say it! 1721 01:38:31,530 --> 01:38:34,533 You are an abomination! 1722 01:38:41,873 --> 01:38:45,127 Now, I'm gonna shove the red guy up the old guy. 1723 01:38:45,210 --> 01:38:47,629 I believe him! Every man for themselves! 1724 01:38:52,008 --> 01:38:53,093 Gotcha! 1725 01:38:53,885 --> 01:38:55,053 Beat it, midget! 1726 01:38:58,056 --> 01:39:00,767 Hey, big guy, the sun's getting real low! 1727 01:39:01,184 --> 01:39:02,269 Oh, shit fuck! 1728 01:39:16,158 --> 01:39:17,742 Come here, beautiful. 1729 01:39:25,500 --> 01:39:26,626 Whoo! 1730 01:39:35,844 --> 01:39:36,928 Say it! 1731 01:41:00,387 --> 01:41:01,471 You came for me. 1732 01:41:01,555 --> 01:41:02,973 I'm not giving up on you, 1733 01:41:03,056 --> 01:41:05,141 and you are not giving up on that boy. 1734 01:41:05,225 --> 01:41:07,227 Who says that rules aren't meant to be broken? 1735 01:41:07,310 --> 01:41:09,563 It's time to fight dirty. 1736 01:41:09,729 --> 01:41:11,064 Time to sweep the leg, Johnny. 1737 01:41:11,147 --> 01:41:13,900 Hey! Pick on someone your own size! 1738 01:41:13,984 --> 01:41:16,027 That's such a you thing to say! 1739 01:41:16,111 --> 01:41:17,696 Go get him, tiger! 1740 01:41:18,113 --> 01:41:19,990 Big CGI fight coming up! 1741 01:41:43,054 --> 01:41:44,389 He's doing great. 1742 01:41:44,472 --> 01:41:45,682 Say it! 1743 01:41:49,853 --> 01:41:51,271 Russell. Bingo! 1744 01:41:56,651 --> 01:41:58,612 You see that bus? 1745 01:41:58,695 --> 01:41:59,779 I'm gonna shove it up your ass. 1746 01:42:03,283 --> 01:42:05,243 That's right! I'm fighting dirty! 1747 01:42:06,620 --> 01:42:07,579 Oh, great! 1748 01:42:07,662 --> 01:42:08,663 There they are! Those freaks! 1749 01:42:08,747 --> 01:42:10,332 A bunch of armed pedophiles in nursing shoes. 1750 01:42:10,790 --> 01:42:12,459 Can I have one of those guns? 1751 01:42:13,001 --> 01:42:14,669 No. That's fine. 1752 01:42:14,836 --> 01:42:16,671 Get off this property, mutant scum! 1753 01:42:16,838 --> 01:42:17,839 I'm just gonna use this brick. 1754 01:42:18,590 --> 01:42:19,591 Maximum effort. 1755 01:42:25,722 --> 01:42:27,474 Who says you can't go home again? 1756 01:42:36,566 --> 01:42:37,984 Ooh 1757 01:42:44,616 --> 01:42:45,617 Yeah! 1758 01:42:47,827 --> 01:42:49,162 Say it. 1759 01:42:49,537 --> 01:42:52,582 Say what you said every time you tortured me! 1760 01:42:53,124 --> 01:42:54,125 Say it! 1761 01:42:54,209 --> 01:42:57,212 Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand! 1762 01:42:58,421 --> 01:43:00,048 Blessed are the wicked... 1763 01:43:00,590 --> 01:43:01,800 who are healed... 1764 01:43:02,300 --> 01:43:03,802 by my hand. 1765 01:43:21,861 --> 01:43:23,571 You commie motherfucker! 1766 01:43:50,640 --> 01:43:52,350 Oh, my God. Did you feel that, too? 1767 01:43:53,226 --> 01:43:55,437 Only best buddies execute pedophiles together. 1768 01:43:58,314 --> 01:44:00,525 You got 30 seconds, you jabbering butt plug! 1769 01:44:00,692 --> 01:44:01,901 Now we're getting it. 1770 01:44:06,614 --> 01:44:08,825 I need a bus to get you all out of here. 1771 01:44:14,164 --> 01:44:15,206 Orphans. 1772 01:44:16,374 --> 01:44:17,584 Oh, geez. 1773 01:44:19,002 --> 01:44:21,588 It's time to burn for what you've done! 1774 01:44:21,755 --> 01:44:24,257 A child should not be burdened with such power! 1775 01:44:33,057 --> 01:44:34,142 Russell! Wait! 1776 01:44:40,148 --> 01:44:41,441 Oh! 1777 01:44:48,656 --> 01:44:50,658 Wait! He hasn't killed anyone yet! 1778 01:44:50,825 --> 01:44:52,702 What more do you need to see? Don't you fucking dare! 1779 01:44:52,869 --> 01:44:53,953 He's just a kid! 1780 01:44:54,120 --> 01:44:55,997 Tick, took. Meter's running! 1781 01:45:08,718 --> 01:45:11,763 I'm gonna melt you down and make a cock ring. 1782 01:45:32,158 --> 01:45:34,786 I told you! Leave me alone! Come on! 1783 01:45:35,328 --> 01:45:36,454 Listen to me! 1784 01:45:59,686 --> 01:46:01,312 That's how we do it 1785 01:46:01,396 --> 01:46:02,856 in Mother Russia. 1786 01:46:05,191 --> 01:46:07,610 They say millennials are the hardest to reach. 1787 01:46:08,987 --> 01:46:12,198 Oh, no. You're doing amazing. 1788 01:46:13,533 --> 01:46:16,035 Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta! 1789 01:46:16,452 --> 01:46:18,162 Go home, Wade! 1790 01:46:18,329 --> 01:46:20,164 You're ruining everything! 1791 01:46:25,503 --> 01:46:26,713 I'm getting good at this shit. 1792 01:46:26,880 --> 01:46:27,922 Go, go, go! 1793 01:46:31,426 --> 01:46:33,261 He dies tonight, Wade. 1794 01:46:33,428 --> 01:46:34,971 You can't stop me! 1795 01:46:35,930 --> 01:46:37,682 He even runs like a fucking pervert. 1796 01:46:37,849 --> 01:46:40,602 Like an online predator who lost his laptop. 1797 01:46:42,020 --> 01:46:43,396 There's one bullet left in that gun. 1798 01:46:43,563 --> 01:46:45,440 Wait, wait, wait! Please, just give me a second! 1799 01:46:45,607 --> 01:46:46,941 I got this. 1800 01:46:47,108 --> 01:46:49,235 Russell! Stay back! Go home, Wade! 1801 01:46:49,402 --> 01:46:51,529 Let's talk. It doesn't have to go this way! 1802 01:46:52,113 --> 01:46:53,406 That piece of shit... 1803 01:46:53,823 --> 01:46:55,450 he deserves to die for what he did to you. 1804 01:46:55,617 --> 01:46:58,995 He hurt you badly. Makes you wanna hurt others. 1805 01:46:59,871 --> 01:47:01,539 But if you kill him, he wins. 1806 01:47:01,706 --> 01:47:05,209 You become everything he says you are, but worse. 1807 01:47:05,627 --> 01:47:07,086 You're just a kid. 1808 01:47:07,670 --> 01:47:09,297 You don't wanna hurt anyone. 1809 01:47:09,464 --> 01:47:10,590 How do you know what I want? 1810 01:47:10,757 --> 01:47:12,383 Because I've been inside you. 1811 01:47:13,051 --> 01:47:14,344 That came out wrong. 1812 01:47:14,969 --> 01:47:16,554 I've been inside your shoes. 1813 01:47:16,721 --> 01:47:18,473 Which is also off-putting. 1814 01:47:18,640 --> 01:47:20,058 It's not a great analogy. 1815 01:47:20,141 --> 01:47:21,559 The point is... 1816 01:47:22,018 --> 01:47:23,686 there are people... 1817 01:47:23,770 --> 01:47:26,689 There are people in this fucking world... 1818 01:47:26,856 --> 01:47:29,442 besides him, who will treat you right. 1819 01:47:29,609 --> 01:47:32,236 It isn't too late. Don't do it. 1820 01:47:37,784 --> 01:47:40,161 I never should've left you there. 1821 01:47:41,913 --> 01:47:43,790 I never should've left you in that prison. 1822 01:47:50,880 --> 01:47:52,173 I can't trust you. 1823 01:47:53,883 --> 01:47:56,260 I can't trust anybody! 1824 01:48:05,269 --> 01:48:06,479 Wonderful kid. 1825 01:48:06,980 --> 01:48:08,523 You can't stop me, Wade! 1826 01:48:10,775 --> 01:48:12,902 I got one more idea. 1827 01:48:13,069 --> 01:48:15,947 It's just a really bad one, even for me. 1828 01:48:16,030 --> 01:48:17,198 Wade, what are you doing? 1829 01:48:17,281 --> 01:48:18,908 All right. This is for all the marbles, kid! 1830 01:48:19,701 --> 01:48:21,411 You're gonna kill someone today... 1831 01:48:21,828 --> 01:48:23,121 Blessed are the wicked... 1832 01:48:23,287 --> 01:48:25,206 ...then it's gotta be me. 1833 01:48:26,290 --> 01:48:28,209 ...who are healed by my hand! 1834 01:48:31,337 --> 01:48:33,756 Fuck this! 1835 01:49:34,484 --> 01:49:37,445 Tell me they got that in slow motion. 1836 01:49:42,450 --> 01:49:43,951 Oh, that's not good. 1837 01:49:45,536 --> 01:49:46,954 No, sir. 1838 01:49:54,587 --> 01:49:57,507 You sacrificed yourself for me. 1839 01:49:57,924 --> 01:49:59,050 Yeah. 1840 01:49:59,133 --> 01:50:01,344 And it was the best thing I ever did. 1841 01:50:03,304 --> 01:50:05,389 I told you I care about you. 1842 01:50:05,473 --> 01:50:07,225 You're a good kid, Russell. 1843 01:50:08,935 --> 01:50:10,019 Hey. 1844 01:50:11,312 --> 01:50:12,522 The bear. 1845 01:50:12,605 --> 01:50:13,981 It worked. 1846 01:50:20,947 --> 01:50:22,448 Because of you. 1847 01:50:22,615 --> 01:50:24,909 No, Wade, because of you. 1848 01:50:25,785 --> 01:50:27,829 Stop, stop, stop! 1849 01:50:27,912 --> 01:50:29,080 Stop! 1850 01:50:30,248 --> 01:50:32,792 Just let it happen, okay? 1851 01:50:33,251 --> 01:50:36,170 I guess my heart was finally in the right place. 1852 01:50:37,004 --> 01:50:39,423 That riddle is so fucked up. 1853 01:50:44,220 --> 01:50:46,514 I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 1854 01:50:46,681 --> 01:50:47,807 Don't be. Don't be. 1855 01:50:47,890 --> 01:50:49,642 I've been trying to make this happen for a while. 1856 01:50:50,309 --> 01:50:51,853 Please, just don't leave me. 1857 01:50:52,019 --> 01:50:53,521 I don't wanna die without an audience. 1858 01:50:53,688 --> 01:50:55,189 We are not going anywhere. 1859 01:50:55,356 --> 01:50:57,441 Oh, God, I hope the Academy is watching. 1860 01:50:57,525 --> 01:50:58,651 Just rest, okay? 1861 01:51:00,486 --> 01:51:01,571 Papa. 1862 01:51:03,781 --> 01:51:05,741 Papa, can you hear me? 1863 01:51:07,994 --> 01:51:14,000 Papa, can you find me in the night? 1864 01:51:35,271 --> 01:51:36,522 Before I go... 1865 01:51:37,064 --> 01:51:38,774 Sorry, I got a bit more in me. 1866 01:51:39,358 --> 01:51:40,484 Domino. 1867 01:51:40,651 --> 01:51:45,156 I want you to have my Adventure Time watch. 1868 01:51:47,742 --> 01:51:50,620 Turns out that I'm the lucky one. 1869 01:51:51,370 --> 01:51:52,496 Thank you. 1870 01:51:53,831 --> 01:51:56,751 Hey, Sabina, the Teenage Witch. 1871 01:51:57,126 --> 01:51:59,295 I liked you better with your hair short. 1872 01:51:59,462 --> 01:52:00,630 Think everyone did. 1873 01:52:01,422 --> 01:52:04,133 Hi, Yukio. Hi, Wade! 1874 01:52:06,177 --> 01:52:07,261 And you... 1875 01:52:07,803 --> 01:52:08,930 Chrome Bone. 1876 01:52:09,847 --> 01:52:12,225 I haven't always been the best friend to you. 1877 01:52:12,808 --> 01:52:15,061 But you've always been that to me. 1878 01:52:15,144 --> 01:52:16,520 So thank you. 1879 01:52:18,689 --> 01:52:20,274 Say "fuck" for me. 1880 01:52:21,108 --> 01:52:22,360 Just once. Come on, 1881 01:52:22,443 --> 01:52:24,028 we'll do it together. It's no big deal. 1882 01:52:24,111 --> 01:52:27,114 Here we go. 1, 2, 3. F... F... F... 1883 01:52:27,198 --> 01:52:28,199 Fuck. 1884 01:52:28,366 --> 01:52:31,702 Wow! Enjoy hell, swamp mouth. 1885 01:52:33,037 --> 01:52:35,289 And you, Cable. 1886 01:52:36,165 --> 01:52:39,835 You get back to your family. You tell 'em Wade says hi. 1887 01:52:40,711 --> 01:52:43,923 And promise me. Promise me one thing. 1888 01:52:44,382 --> 01:52:45,758 That you'll start judging people... 1889 01:52:45,841 --> 01:52:47,176 not by the color of their skin, 1890 01:52:47,260 --> 01:52:49,136 but by the content of their character. 1891 01:52:49,887 --> 01:52:51,472 Jesus. R-Dog? 1892 01:52:52,682 --> 01:52:54,600 There you are. Hey! 1893 01:52:55,184 --> 01:52:56,936 You're a superhero now, bubba. 1894 01:52:57,436 --> 01:53:00,398 That's why it's high time that you had a super suit. 1895 01:53:00,481 --> 01:53:01,857 This one is yours. 1896 01:53:01,941 --> 01:53:03,651 You might wanna get it steam cleaned. 1897 01:53:03,734 --> 01:53:05,111 Especially around the pants. 1898 01:53:05,194 --> 01:53:06,904 And let it out a little in the waist. 1899 01:53:07,863 --> 01:53:08,864 But, hey. 1900 01:53:09,907 --> 01:53:10,992 Look. 1901 01:53:11,284 --> 01:53:13,911 Family is not an F-word. 1902 01:53:14,662 --> 01:53:15,955 All right? 1903 01:53:16,038 --> 01:53:17,915 There's one out there for you. 1904 01:53:18,499 --> 01:53:20,209 Just keep looking, okay? 1905 01:53:23,713 --> 01:53:26,465 Guys, for a second there... 1906 01:53:27,300 --> 01:53:29,427 we made a pretty good team. 1907 01:53:44,483 --> 01:53:46,485 Oh, it's so hard to go. 1908 01:53:47,987 --> 01:53:50,364 l just love being around you guys so much. 1909 01:53:51,449 --> 01:53:52,700 So, so much. 1910 01:53:53,409 --> 01:53:54,744 Mmm. 1911 01:53:54,827 --> 01:53:56,996 No, I can feel it now. Here it comes, yeah. 1912 01:53:57,705 --> 01:54:01,459 I feel the soul exiting the husk. 1913 01:54:01,542 --> 01:54:02,543 Yeah. 1914 01:54:04,420 --> 01:54:06,255 Can you see it? 1915 01:54:06,964 --> 01:54:09,133 Do you see that beautiful bright light? 1916 01:54:10,593 --> 01:54:11,761 There it is. 1917 01:54:18,017 --> 01:54:19,226 Oh, that's the sun. 1918 01:54:19,310 --> 01:54:21,145 Don't stare directly into that. 1919 01:54:21,228 --> 01:54:22,646 I just have a few final words. 1920 01:54:24,899 --> 01:54:26,275 Woodpecker 1921 01:54:27,068 --> 01:54:28,402 Gingivitis. 1922 01:54:30,446 --> 01:54:31,822 Codswallop. 1923 01:54:36,160 --> 01:54:38,120 Do You Want to Build a Snowman? 1924 01:55:53,112 --> 01:55:54,280 Sorry I'm late. 1925 01:55:54,363 --> 01:55:56,031 There was a bunch 1926 01:55:56,115 --> 01:55:57,408 of handicapable children who were stuck in a tree. 1927 01:55:57,491 --> 01:55:58,701 No. No. 1928 01:55:59,785 --> 01:56:02,455 But I did have to help a kid. Yeah. 1929 01:56:02,913 --> 01:56:04,790 He's got a terrible name. It's just awful. 1930 01:56:04,874 --> 01:56:05,875 Ugh. l tried to tell him. 1931 01:56:08,210 --> 01:56:09,628 Is this heaven? 1932 01:56:10,504 --> 01:56:11,714 It is now. 1933 01:56:15,176 --> 01:56:17,052 I am so sorry. 1934 01:56:17,887 --> 01:56:19,221 It's okay. 1935 01:56:39,074 --> 01:56:40,951 I missed you so much. 1936 01:56:46,540 --> 01:56:48,209 What is it? What's wrong? 1937 01:56:50,127 --> 01:56:51,629 It's not time. 1938 01:56:52,254 --> 01:56:54,131 What do you mean it's not time? 1939 01:56:54,298 --> 01:56:55,799 I'm here, I made it. 1940 01:56:55,966 --> 01:56:57,635 You can't stay. No, no, no. 1941 01:56:57,718 --> 01:57:00,346 I'm staying. I'm not going anywhere without you. 1942 01:57:00,429 --> 01:57:01,430 It's okay. 1943 01:57:01,931 --> 01:57:04,767 There's a time for us. It's just not now. 1944 01:57:05,768 --> 01:57:08,229 They need you. Who? 1945 01:57:10,272 --> 01:57:11,565 Your F-word. 1946 01:57:12,816 --> 01:57:13,817 Why? 1947 01:57:13,901 --> 01:57:14,902 You'll find out. 1948 01:57:16,153 --> 01:57:17,696 It's all right. I'll be here. 1949 01:57:19,073 --> 01:57:21,200 It's pretty fucking awesome up here. 1950 01:57:21,909 --> 01:57:23,744 I can have anything I want. 1951 01:57:23,827 --> 01:57:25,955 Can every day be International Women's Day? 1952 01:57:26,038 --> 01:57:27,414 It is heaven. 1953 01:57:27,623 --> 01:57:28,874 I love you. 1954 01:57:31,377 --> 01:57:34,129 I know. I love you, too. 1955 01:57:34,713 --> 01:57:36,131 Now, go. 1956 01:57:37,007 --> 01:57:39,009 Go on. Go, get out of here. 1957 01:57:40,052 --> 01:57:41,053 Go. 1958 01:57:43,847 --> 01:57:44,848 Hey! 1959 01:57:47,851 --> 01:57:50,020 Kiss me like you miss me, Red. 1960 01:57:50,646 --> 01:57:51,772 Well, come here. 1961 01:58:11,125 --> 01:58:12,751 Don't fuck Elvis. 1962 01:58:12,876 --> 01:58:14,628 Ooh, too late. I'm sorry? 1963 01:58:24,138 --> 01:58:25,347 Time to make the chimichangas. 1964 01:58:25,431 --> 01:58:26,515 30 seconds. 1965 01:58:26,599 --> 01:58:27,808 Hey. Been meaning to ask you... 1966 01:58:27,891 --> 01:58:30,352 what's with the creepy, dirty hobo bear? 1967 01:58:30,436 --> 01:58:32,187 It's my daughter's teddy bear. 1968 01:58:32,646 --> 01:58:33,939 Her name's Hope. 1969 01:58:34,231 --> 01:58:35,357 Well... 1970 01:58:36,191 --> 01:58:38,068 What are you doing? 1971 01:58:38,152 --> 01:58:39,737 Somebody swiped right. 1972 01:58:52,541 --> 01:58:54,918 Tell me they got that in slow motion. 1973 01:58:58,255 --> 01:59:00,007 You sacrificed yourself for me. 1974 01:59:00,090 --> 01:59:01,592 lt would seem I... 1975 01:59:03,761 --> 01:59:05,054 Huh? 1976 01:59:06,180 --> 01:59:08,515 Genuine, high-grade lead. 1977 01:59:10,434 --> 01:59:13,437 You time-sliding son of a bitch! 1978 01:59:13,520 --> 01:59:15,105 You did this for me? 1979 01:59:16,982 --> 01:59:19,485 Wait. You can't go back. 1980 01:59:20,110 --> 01:59:21,362 You used the last of your fuel. 1981 01:59:21,445 --> 01:59:23,155 What about your girl, your wife? 1982 01:59:23,238 --> 01:59:26,492 Now, my family's safe. And I didn't do it for you. 1983 01:59:27,951 --> 01:59:30,371 No, I'm gonna stick around forawhile... 1984 01:59:30,454 --> 01:59:31,664 and make sure the world 1985 01:59:31,747 --> 01:59:33,457 doesn't shit itself into oblivion. 1986 01:59:34,166 --> 01:59:37,044 No. You did it for me. 1987 01:59:37,795 --> 01:59:39,129 No, I didn't. 1988 01:59:39,296 --> 01:59:40,673 You did. I really didn't. 1989 01:59:40,756 --> 01:59:42,549 Pretty sure you did. No, I'm positive I didn't. 1990 01:59:42,633 --> 01:59:44,385 Fine. All right, let's flip a coin. Okay? 1991 01:59:44,468 --> 01:59:47,179 Heads, you did it for me. Tails, you did it for me. 1992 01:59:47,262 --> 01:59:49,682 I'm not even gonna look, because you did it for me. 1993 01:59:50,099 --> 01:59:51,100 Say it again. 1994 01:59:51,266 --> 01:59:52,810 He did it for me. Jesus. 1995 01:59:52,893 --> 01:59:54,645 We must get the collar off. Forget it. It's no use. 1996 01:59:54,728 --> 01:59:56,605 These collars don't just come off. 1997 01:59:56,689 --> 01:59:57,690 Wade. 1998 01:59:58,232 --> 01:59:59,858 I have an idea. 1999 02:00:00,192 --> 02:00:02,277 No, no, no! Let's not do that. Please! 2000 02:00:02,361 --> 02:00:04,738 I'd rather die of cancer. Let's just... 2001 02:00:04,822 --> 02:00:07,950 Oh, God! They do say the pen is grosser than the sword. 2002 02:00:08,033 --> 02:00:10,285 We need the code. 2003 02:00:10,369 --> 02:00:12,246 Try, uh, seven? 2004 02:00:12,329 --> 02:00:13,872 Settle down, Captain Lucky. 2005 02:00:13,956 --> 02:00:15,374 It's not gonna be one number. 2006 02:00:15,457 --> 02:00:16,542 Oh, God, that's lazy writing. 2007 02:00:17,543 --> 02:00:18,877 I still got it. 2008 02:00:21,922 --> 02:00:23,882 Put that back in your prison wallet. 2009 02:00:25,592 --> 02:00:27,469 I don't know how to thank you. 2010 02:00:27,553 --> 02:00:29,054 But I do know how to hug you. 2011 02:00:29,513 --> 02:00:30,764 No. Yes. 2012 02:00:30,848 --> 02:00:32,307 Here we go. Bring it in. 2013 02:00:32,391 --> 02:00:33,392 Come on. 2014 02:00:33,517 --> 02:00:34,810 Pelvis to pelvis. 2015 02:00:34,977 --> 02:00:36,228 Let's go tip to tip. 2016 02:00:36,395 --> 02:00:38,897 There we go. The kids call this docking. 2017 02:00:40,649 --> 02:00:41,775 ls there a knife in my dick? 2018 02:00:41,859 --> 02:00:44,027 There's a knife in your dick. I'm just gonna back up now. 2019 02:00:44,111 --> 02:00:45,946 Yeah, yeah. No need to go full Yenti. 2020 02:00:46,029 --> 02:00:48,699 Gonna pretend like that never happened. 2021 02:00:48,866 --> 02:00:50,784 Let's go home, Russell. 2022 02:00:54,455 --> 02:00:56,206 All you dirty mutants 2023 02:00:56,290 --> 02:00:58,709 are gonna rot in hell with the boy! 2024 02:00:58,876 --> 02:01:01,837 Your souls are beyond redemption! 2025 02:01:02,004 --> 02:01:03,255 Let's see your soul, perv! 2026 02:01:03,338 --> 02:01:06,133 No, no! No! No more! We're better than that! 2027 02:01:06,216 --> 02:01:07,384 We're better than him! 2028 02:01:07,468 --> 02:01:10,137 No more senseless violence! No more bloodshed! 2029 02:01:10,220 --> 02:01:11,764 We'll let karma take care of him. 2030 02:01:11,847 --> 02:01:14,850 The day of reckoning is here! 2031 02:01:24,193 --> 02:01:26,195 I'm gonna miss him. He seemed great. 2032 02:01:26,320 --> 02:01:27,488 Whoo! 2033 02:01:27,571 --> 02:01:29,072 Courage, motherfuckers! 2034 02:01:29,239 --> 02:01:30,491 And karma, motherfucker. 2035 02:01:30,574 --> 02:01:32,117 I could hear you coming the last 30 seconds. 2036 02:01:32,201 --> 02:01:34,161 I could barely keep a straight face. 2037 02:01:34,244 --> 02:01:36,038 I want some more. 2038 02:01:36,205 --> 02:01:37,873 I bet you do, Brown Panther. 2039 02:01:37,956 --> 02:01:40,959 We should leave before Fuckernaut wakes up. 2040 02:01:41,543 --> 02:01:43,670 Good call. You guys coming with us? 2041 02:01:43,837 --> 02:01:45,756 No, we'll get the kids back to the mansion. 2042 02:01:45,839 --> 02:01:47,132 Besides, we're X-Men. 2043 02:01:47,424 --> 02:01:49,968 No, you're X-People. 2044 02:01:50,135 --> 02:01:51,428 You're exhausting. 2045 02:01:51,512 --> 02:01:53,180 I see what you did there. Puns. 2046 02:01:53,347 --> 02:01:54,723 Our door's always open. 2047 02:01:54,807 --> 02:01:56,558 That's kind, but I'm not ready to date again. 2048 02:01:56,642 --> 02:01:57,643 Let alone two women. 2049 02:01:58,769 --> 02:02:00,395 God, you're a douche. 2050 02:02:00,521 --> 02:02:02,606 Bye, Wade! Bye, Yukio! 2051 02:02:05,359 --> 02:02:06,401 What do you get 2052 02:02:06,485 --> 02:02:07,569 when you take 8 feet of chrome... 2053 02:02:07,653 --> 02:02:08,779 one pinch of courage... 2054 02:02:08,862 --> 02:02:10,072 a cup of good luck... 2055 02:02:10,155 --> 02:02:11,657 a dab of racism... 2056 02:02:11,740 --> 02:02:12,908 a splash of diabetes... 2057 02:02:12,991 --> 02:02:15,327 and a wheelbarrow full of stage four cancer? 2058 02:02:15,744 --> 02:02:17,913 Answer: a family. 2059 02:02:18,497 --> 02:02:21,583 See? I didn't lie what kind of film this was. 2060 02:02:21,667 --> 02:02:22,960 If there's anything you take away today... 2061 02:02:23,043 --> 02:02:26,171 other than the need to Google, "What the fuck is dubstep?"... 2062 02:02:26,255 --> 02:02:29,049 it's that we all need to belong to someone. 2063 02:04:26,124 --> 02:04:27,834 How something so small generates 2064 02:04:27,918 --> 02:04:29,461 enough energy to reverse time is... 2065 02:04:29,544 --> 02:04:31,880 Oh, just fix it, Eleven, 2066 02:04:31,964 --> 02:04:34,216 or I'll take it to the Genius Bar. 2067 02:04:34,299 --> 02:04:35,467 Cable's gonna kill you when he finds out. 2068 02:04:35,550 --> 02:04:36,551 Never heard of him. 2069 02:04:36,635 --> 02:04:38,095 Why do you think I'm helping him? 2070 02:04:39,388 --> 02:04:41,598 The Lord works in mysterious ways, 2071 02:04:41,682 --> 02:04:43,934 don't I? A good day. 2072 02:04:44,685 --> 02:04:45,686 Bye, Wade! 2073 02:04:46,186 --> 02:04:47,187 Bye, Yukio! 2074 02:04:48,522 --> 02:04:50,732 That was probably a bad idea. 2075 02:04:51,066 --> 02:04:52,192 What have we done? 2076 02:05:10,627 --> 02:05:12,629 I hope we sharpened the cream cheese spreader. 2077 02:05:22,806 --> 02:05:24,266 I'll be right back! 2078 02:05:26,226 --> 02:05:28,770 We're definitely naming our kid Cher! 2079 02:05:29,146 --> 02:05:30,147 Whoo! 2080 02:05:31,982 --> 02:05:33,233 Peter! 2081 02:05:33,316 --> 02:05:34,860 Whoo! X-Force! 2082 02:05:34,943 --> 02:05:37,154 Walk away! Just walk away! 2083 02:05:38,030 --> 02:05:39,865 But we're X-Force! Nope! We're not. 2084 02:05:40,073 --> 02:05:41,408 X-Force is just a marketing tool 2085 02:05:41,491 --> 02:05:42,743 designed by Fox executives... 2086 02:05:42,826 --> 02:05:44,494 to keep Josh Brolin employed. 2087 02:05:44,578 --> 02:05:45,871 It doesn't exist. 2088 02:05:46,121 --> 02:05:49,332 All right, well, this has been pretty scary! 2089 02:05:49,499 --> 02:05:51,043 And I need to feed my cat! 2090 02:05:51,209 --> 02:05:53,587 Go home, Sugarbear. Go home. 2091 02:05:53,754 --> 02:05:57,007 Okay. Will you give Domino my email? 2092 02:06:06,183 --> 02:06:08,060 Wade, is that you? 2093 02:06:10,312 --> 02:06:11,646 I guess Stryker finally 2094 02:06:11,730 --> 02:06:13,106 figured out how to shut you up. 2095 02:06:19,696 --> 02:06:22,949 Hey! It's me! Don't scratch! 2096 02:06:23,116 --> 02:06:25,118 Just cleaning up the timelines! 2097 02:06:25,202 --> 02:06:28,997 Look, eventually you're going to hang up the claws... 2098 02:06:29,081 --> 02:06:31,333 and it's gonna make a lot of people very sad. 2099 02:06:31,708 --> 02:06:32,709 Huh? 2100 02:06:32,793 --> 02:06:34,419 But one day, your old pal Wade's gonna ask you... 2101 02:06:34,503 --> 02:06:36,463 to get back in the saddle again. 2102 02:06:37,339 --> 02:06:39,883 And when he does, say yes. 2103 02:06:41,134 --> 02:06:43,095 Oh, right. 2104 02:06:44,012 --> 02:06:45,305 Love you! 2105 02:06:47,682 --> 02:06:49,309 Goddamn, that's beautiful. 2106 02:06:56,691 --> 02:06:58,527 You're welcome, Canada. 2107 02:07:11,039 --> 02:07:12,207 Boy howdy. 2108 02:07:14,084 --> 02:07:16,962 Hi. This is a toughie. 2109 02:07:17,045 --> 02:07:18,046 Yeesh. 2110 02:07:18,338 --> 02:07:20,757 Oh, yes. You're already practicing your salute, huh? 2111 02:07:21,967 --> 02:07:24,761 Yes, you are. Well, we'll take care of that, won't we? 2112 02:07:24,845 --> 02:07:27,639 Jesus Christ! This is so much harder than I thought. 2113 02:07:28,473 --> 02:07:30,058 Oh, I'm going to hell. 2114 02:07:30,142 --> 02:07:31,726 That makes two of us. 2115 02:07:31,893 --> 02:07:32,978 You can do this. 2116 02:07:33,145 --> 02:07:36,148 This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. 2117 02:07:36,231 --> 02:07:37,399 All right. 2118 02:07:44,739 --> 02:07:46,658 Maximum effort. 2119 02:13:24,829 --> 02:13:27,081 That's okay. Let me see here. 2120 02:13:27,165 --> 02:13:28,625 Oh, God. 2121 02:13:28,708 --> 02:13:30,627 That's why you're such a little bastard. 2122 02:13:30,710 --> 02:13:32,629 No one's ever changed you. 2123 02:13:33,129 --> 02:13:35,840 Yeah, you got a big, old stinky in there, don't you? 2124 02:13:35,924 --> 02:13:38,384 God, it smells like Hitler's anus... 2125 02:13:38,760 --> 02:13:41,304 which would makes sense, wouldn't it? Yeah. 2126 02:13:41,387 --> 02:13:42,514 I think we both know 2127 02:13:42,597 --> 02:13:43,723 I don't have what it takes to do this... 2128 02:13:43,806 --> 02:13:46,184 so I'm just gonna change your diaper real quick... 2129 02:13:46,267 --> 02:13:48,144 and then I'm gonna come back with my friend, Cable. 2130 02:13:48,228 --> 02:13:49,562 He loves killing kids.