(glass shatters)
(breathes rapidly)
(panting)
-(growling) -(yells)
(growling)
(exclaims)
Zack, Zack, Zack.
Have you no manners?
Look, I don't care what you guys are doing in there,
just deal me out, all right?
You are my guest, Zack.
And you left without saying goodbye.
I don't just let anyone in my club, you know.
Just back off, please!
What's wrong, Zack?
I don't believe in freaks. Leave me alone!
(yells)
(hyperventilates)
(chuckles gruffly)
Mmm. Very tasty.
Who the hell are you?
(woman chuckles)
(hisses)
(screams)
Man: We are a select order
whose job is containment.
Near every vampire cell or pocket of vampires,
you'll find a Sentinel waiting to respond to trouble.
Male voice: Vida.
(clock ticks softly)
(soft mechanical whirring)
(sighs)
Man, I gotta get a dog.
Male voice: Vida.
-(snarls) -(screams)
-(growling) -(screaming)
(panting)
Girl, what happened?
I had a nightmare.
Oh, again?
Again. I'm sorry.
Oh, my goodness.
Well, I'm gonna go back to sleep.
-Try to figure that out. -I'm sorry.
(sighs)
-(indistinct chattering) -♪ (dance music plays)
Vida: I look like a freak.
Man: Look. I know.
But that's what gets us into this club, okay?
I look like an idiot.
-I think you look hot. -Oh, yeah?
-Yes. -Take me home to your mom
looking like this?
Absolutely. She'd have a heart attack,
and I'd regret it for the rest of your life.
Oh, look, here comes my guy.
Hey, Doze!
Hey, buddy, give us a break tonight, okay?
I've been here every night for a month.
Let us in.
Yeah, dude, we're freezing, please.
-Come on. -Then go home.
(clears throat) Doze?
You're making me look bad in front of the lady.
You don't need no help with that.
(chuckles nervously) I like that, you're quick.
"I don't need any help with that," that's good.
Here's the thing.
How about I give you this Abraham Lincoln, right?
How about getting your hand out my motherfucking face?
God. No need to get aggressive.
I forgot. You know, 21st century.
How about this, plastic right here?
Madam decides on who gets in.
-Couldn't you? -Madam decides on who gets in.
(laughs) Okay.
That's just a little game he plays.
He does it all the time, he's just playing.
Doze, you crazy.
(creaking)
-There she is. -Come.
There she is. Here we go, here we go.
Madam. She's the one who decides who gets in.
-(crowd exclaims) -What?
Oh, this is just plain wrong.
Doze, Doze! Hey, look.
If I could just talk to her for one quick second.
Madam has chosen.
But-- (sighs)
-(stammering) -Please.
-We should-- -"Madam's chosen."
All right. Come on, let's go. Come on.
Hey! So did y'all make it to Club Dead last night?
Man, no.
I even took Veeds with me.
Made her look Morticia Addams, for Christ's sakes.
(scoffs) I thought that Goth look would be a shoo-in.
Did Madam even look your way?
Hell, no.
Well, did it at least shake out
to be a little date or something?
No, she thinks I'm a bug.
Dude, she doesn't think you're a bug.
Oh yes, she does, the kind that,
you know, gets in your ear.
An earwig?
Yeah, that kind, the kind that bores a hole in your brain.
Oh, shi-- (giggles)
That's crazy. What did you do to her, man?
-He copped a feel. -No, no, no, no, no.
She was sending signals.
I said, "Good night, I'm tired."
(scoffs) Okay, see, see.
She says, "Good night, I'm tired."
But that's code. That's code for "Hey, Scott,
would you like to sleep with me?"
No, that's code for "I wanna go to sleep",
not, "Hey, come grab on my tits".
Wait, who grabbed your tits?
-Scott. -She was sending signals.
Is that sexual harassment or something?
At work it is. At home, it's just being an asshole.
Scott, you're so pathetic.
I told you, you should never have broken up with Camille.
Now, will you grab my plates, please?
Yeah.
Dude, Camille, I needed to spread my wings.
She loved you.
Here you go.
Dude, she was trying to tie me down.
All right, here's your food.
Let me know if you need anything else.
Now, let me know.
Did you sleep with any after you broke up with her?
(chuckles) Hey, you know.
Your right hand doesn't count, man.
Look. I had some options, but I've got some standards.
And what is that, buck naked in a heartbeat?
Dude, why you always knocking me?
Because you were set.
Camille was fine, you won the lottery with her.
Okay. Who's a supermodel?
Uh, Kate Upton. Hot, right?
Yeah.
I guarantee there's some guy somewhere,
bored as hell with her right now.
Camille was the one.
(sighs)
(Scott squeals)
-Man: Hey, Tony. -Oh!
Hey. What you doing, man?
Yo, I'm going Club Dead, baby.
-What? -Yeah.
How the hell did you get that sorted?
I've been banging the manager for a month, man.
I've been giving her the old braggiole.
(laughs) You're giving her meatballs, too?
-You know it, man, yeah. -(both laugh)
-Ah, you fuck. -Ah. This guy.
Okay, wait.
Are you serious? That's all you made?
You make, like, the most tips out of all of us.
Must be in a real funk today.
No, I know. I just can't sleep at all lately.
I'm just wiped out.
Why, have you been moonlighting somewhere else?
No.
I can barely handle my own hours as it is.
Then what is it?
You can tell me.
I've been having nightmares.
Nightmares?
What kind of nightmares?
I don't know, they're not like normal nightmares.
Like, they're real.
It's like a vision, like I'm there,
like it's really happening.
I know, it's crazy, it sounds crazy.
But it's happening night after night
and it's just, it's getting worse.
Well, have you been watching a lot of horror movies?
No. I hate horror movies.
They're about vampires.
Okay.
Maybe you should stop reading the Twilight {end-italic}series.
(laughs) Eli, please.
I hate that shit, too.
No, but honestly, it's like they--
They start the same every time.
It's like somebody's calling my name...
"Vida,"
and I wake up to see who or what is calling me,
and I just get attacked by a vampire.
(laughs) No, sorry. It's not funny.
Go on.
Like,
it's, like, it bites my neck,
and the pain is totally real.
It's like I can feel the blood, like,
draining from my body, like, I'm gonna faint.
And I-- I'm too weak to fight back and I just freeze,
and I scream and nothing comes out.
And then I just wake up.
Wow.
-That's crazy. -I know, right?
I mean, I...
I don't know what to tell you.
Except, you know,
maybe if you think you need a man's protection tonight,
you can always stay with me at my place
and bunk in my bed, you know.
I'm just saying I'm pretty strong.
(chuckles) Okay.
(both chuckle)
Can you please not tell anybody?
I won't.
Your secret's safe with me.
Oh.
(train horn blows)
And, well, I was thinking, you know--
Oh, hey. This is my train.
Thanks for being such a good friend.
See ya.
(sighs)
That's me.
The good friend.
(indistinct chattering)
-Scott, there's a line. -Look, look.
Hey, Tony.
Guys, Tony saved us a place in line.
Hey, Tony.
-Hey, Tony-- -Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Do I know you?
Tony, it's me, Scott.
Scott I know doesn't split his tip
with the dishwashers, huh?
You're that same piece of shit, huh, huh?
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You didn't get the money?
(laughs) No.
Dude, I've been giving your split to Luis.
No, pal, you didn't. Nice try.
No, no, no, this whole time, been giving to Luis.
He's holding out on you.
You might wanna ask him about that.
-You gave it to Luis? -Sure did.
-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, Luis. -Right.
Yeah, short guy, huh?
-Muscular, mustache? -Right.
Luis, six feet tall, with the big gut?
Oh, that Luis.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what?
-Yeah? -Get the fuck out of here,
you fucking lying piece of shit.
Okay. You know, I deserved that.
You called me some names, but, hey, hey...
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Dude, dude!
Where should I break ya in two?
-Easy, easy, easy, easy. -What's with the violence?
Rocky, Apollo, break it up.
-Jeez, huh? -Scott, come on, man.
(Scott stutters)
-Come on. -Douchebag.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, April, April!
Whoa!
Why don't you come with me?
Come on. Come on, I'll get you in.
No thanks, Tony.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't like Italian guys?
No, I just don't date guys who don't bathe regularly.
Ah, you putana, right there, yeah.
(tutting)
Man, why do you always get into fights, man?
-What's up with that? -Man, I don't know. God.
Well, all right.
You wanna hear something funny as hell?
-Yes. -Because, um...
You know Tony's banging Marine, right?
No way.
-What? -Yeah, he's giving it to her.
Eli: I don't get that.
I get it. Dude's hung like a horse.
-I mean, he's huge. -Ew, Scott.
Scott: He's got, like, a third leg.
Wow. Wow.
How does he know?
Dude, he parades it around the locker room.
He drags it around.
-But, Eli... -Don't look at me.
-Will, you...? -No, no, no, no, no, see.
When I'm in locker room, I focus on what I gotta focus on.
I don't look, I don't peek,
and I definitely don't stare, all right?
It's just me and Will, Junior, okay?
-Yeah, all right. -God.
♪ (dance music plays)
(chuckles)
-Oh, my gosh. -Nigga, what?
Oh, yeah. Motherfuckers, yeah!
You believe this shit?
Hold up. Tony "Spaghetti" Inez got in, and we didn't?
-(scoffing) -No way.
I don't know about you guys,
but I'm gonna go ahead and grab a pint,
have my own party, all right?
You guys coming with me?
Eli: Yeah, I'll come with.
Right. God.
Wait a minute.
You mean to tell me I'm the only person
who's seen Tony's penis? Really?
-Eli and Will: Yeah, Scott. -I'm out. I'm done.
That's weird. That's so weird.
(indistinct conversation)
Hey, Pops!
Hey, Pops.
-Hey, Pops! -What?
So you're an expert in a lot of alcohol, right?
Well, I need to get drunk as hell,
and fast, but for a good price.
-So what you got for me? -Malt liquor.
One of those will put you under the table for three bucks.
All right, that's what I'm talking about.
Let's-- Let's do that.
-Do you have any Chinese beer? -In the corner.
I'll take a Big Shot Whiskey, please.
Thanks, Pop.
Extra malt, eh?
So, um...
...what are you boys up to tonight?
Eli: We were just trying to get into a club.
Which club?
Uh, Club Dead.
Listen to me, you don't wanna go in there.
Eli: Dude, get off!
It's a place of evil and depravity.
Yeah, that's why we wanna get in.
No, listen to me.
If you value your souls, you'll not set one foot
near that hellhole.
It's a vortex of evil, home to Satan's sluts.
(scoffs) Yeah, that's nice.
Listen, Moses. How about we just pay up
and be out of your way? Guys, pay him. Let's go.
For God's sakes, listen to me.
You'll face 1,000 years of darkness if you don't.
I know, because I'm a Sentinel!
We're due back on the third planet from the sun,
so have a nice night.
Listen to me, I'm a Sentinel.
I'm a Sentinel, listen to me!
Scott: What's wrong with him?
He's crazy.
I mean, the dude needs a girlfriend.
What is up with him? I mean, what was that about?
I think, uh...
I think his crazy ass thinks we need Jesus or something.
Keep drinking like that and you're gonna need Jesus.
Yeah.
Whatever, man. Let's just go.
♪ (electronic dance music plays) ♪
Man, what the fuck are you doing?
(Tony chuckles)
Go, let's go. I gotta fucking piss.
(bangs loudly)
Come on, let's go!
What the fuck? Open up.
Come on.
Oh, shit.
(hisses)
Oh, shit!
(Tony gasps)
-(slurping) -(Tony groans)
(Tony gasps and coughs)
Vida, have you seen Tony?
-Nope. -He's on the schedule today.
Just saw him last night.
-Where? -At the club.
Really? Who was he with?
No one.
Oh, good.
Why? Are you interested?
No reason.
Oh, come on. Give it up.
-You know? -Yeah.
What's that all about?
Well, I've been divorced for three years
and I've got my needs.
Well, judging from what I've been hearing around here,
I heard that he can fill them all.
Okay, look. Let's just drop the subject.
Listen, Vida, there's a new girl starting today.
Tell everyone to help her out.
-New girl? -Yeah.
She's back in the ladies' room, changing.
Why do I always have to show everybody the ropes?
Because you're my best waitress.
Oh!
Now that you've properly sucked up, what's her name?
Judy Jackson.
(giggles)
Judy?
Yes?
Come here. I want you to meet somebody.
Judy, this is Vida.
She'll show you the ropes and get you up to speed.
-Vida: So it's Judy, right? -Yeah.
Got any experience?
I worked at a book store.
Oh, okay, so that's a no.
-(both chuckle) -Don't worry, I learn fast.
So you new in town?
Yeah, straight off the boat.
Where you from?
-Ohio. -Ohio.
You come out here to be a star?
No, nothing like that.
You a bank robber on the run?
(scoffs) No?
Messing with you.
Come here. Listen, it is super simple here.
You're gonna train with me tonight
and you will have it down in no time.
Okay, great.
Let's get his thing out of the way.
So when did you get into town?
Yesterday, actually.
Oh, where you staying?
Some place called the Starlight Hotel.
You ever heard of it?
God, Judy, that place is a rat hole.
Half the customers that leave there
-check out with a toe tag. -I know.
That's, like, hooker central, okay?
Yeah, but it's cheap.
Yeah, so are the hookers.
Yeah, I'm not exactly flush with cash right now.
I came out here on an impulse, so,
you know how that goes.
I'm gonna help you out.
Oh, okay.
Help me out?
You are gonna crash with me and April tonight.
Oh, no, I couldn't.
Yes.
No, because I'm not gonna be able to sleep
knowing that you're sleeping in a rat hole.
And I'm not taking n o for an answer.
Okay. Thank you.
Okay, let's get to work.
Okay, so who's April?
Oh, April's my roommate.
She works here, you'll meet her.
Cool.
All right. Why don't you help me with the salsa?
-Okay. -Okay.
That's right.
-(music from television) -(knocking on door)
-Really? -(conversation on TV)
Girl, I gave you a key last night.
You're interrupting Real Housewives of Tulsa.
Hi.
That's right, I forgot.
Yeah, no worries.
Vida: All right, Judy, come on in.
This is it, home sweet home.
Oh, my gosh, you guys. I really appreciate this.
-April: Don't worry, girl. -Give me this stuff.
-It's what we do. -Give me this bag.
Our roommate punked out on us last month,
so you can totally stay here. It's totally cool.
Oh, thank you.
You guys are seriously life savers.
-Eh, you know, we try. -(Judy chuckles)
So what are you doing anyway, searching for stardom?
Oh, no, and, I mean,
I'm just, ain't looking stardom.
-I came here for stardom. -Oh, you did?
Have you been in anything?
Well, I was up for a part inGrey's Anatomy {end-italic}once.
Oh, yeah, she didn't get that one, though.
Okay, see, now, you could just go
and head back in the kitchen.
-Rude. -I'm sorry.
I was really close.
-There was a moment-- -Very close.
Very close.
I was there, I felt like the charac--
Oh, my gosh, you guys, that place is a madhouse.
I don't know how you do it. My feet are killing me.
Girl, you lucked out. We make bank in that place.
Mm, just wear tight jeans, girl.
Tight jeans?
Yeah, your tips increase, like 20 percent. True story.
Sort of like booty bucks.
You gotta be kidding me?
No, seriously, when I first started working there,
I thought I had to be comfortable, right?
-Vida and April: Wrong! -Wrong!
Wrong. You gotta show 'em off what you got, you know?
It's kind of like being a stripper,
minus the tits and the pole.
Tight jeans?
You can always count on a man to be a pervert.
I mean, she got regulars because of hers, honey.
Well, looks like I'm gonna have to go ahead
and take the pay cut.
Suit yourself. More for me.
Okay. Well, you know what?
I think I'm gonna hit the sack, you guys.
-I'm losing light. -Losing light?
-Dah, dah, dah. -No. Jackson,
we gotta get the lowdown on you.
-Lowdown? -Vida: Yes, lowdown.
Who moves from Ohio to Hollywood
without the acting jones?
It's personal, you guys.
Vida: I can always drive you back to hooker central.
(scoffs) All right, okay.
All right. I came out for a guy.
A guy that I went with back in Cleveland.
And he hooked up with someone else, so...
Hmm, and let me guess.
He didn't tell you 'til you got here.
That shit ain't cool.
Yeah, but it's okay. I'm over it.
-Oh. -That dog needs to be fixed.
Exactly. We can puncture his tires tonight, honey.
No, seriously, it's okay. It's okay, seriously.
-I'm gonna go to sleep. -What?
April: That's what we do.
-(Vida chuckles) -That's what we do.
We puncture tires, that's right.
I don't actually do it,
but I have nothing to do in the morning.
Well then, you stay up.
-I'm going to bed. -Coming, coming.
I'm just saying that, you know.
(panting)
Hey, buddy, what are you doing?
(hisses)
Give me a break, pal, this isn't Halloween.
I've seen how those dentists
give you freaking vampire implants.
Dude, you need to get a life.
What are you gonna do about it?
I don't know, maybe I'll fuck up.
(raspy breathing)
Dude, what's wrong with your eyes, man?
(hisses)
-(gasping) -(hissing)
It's cool, dude, it's cool.
-(screaming) -(gurgling)
What the hell was that?
Just another night in Hollywood.
Yeah, girl, don't trip.
Happens every night.
Okay, great.
Yeah, I really appreciate it.
Yes, please let me know if you hear from Tony.
Okay. Bye.
You know what, man?
What's up?
I'm feeling lucky tonight.
Club Dead?
I mean, what the hell?
The numbers have gone against me for so long.
I'm long overdue.
-Yeah. -Why not?
Where are you guys going?
Oh, we're Deading it.
It's Club Dead, it's a nightclub.
It's the most exclusive club in Los Angeles.
Really? Can I come?
Suit yourself.
The only reason why I go is because it's on my way home.
-Eli... -Oh, my gosh.
New girl.
(chuckles)
Yes, I have arrived.
Oh my God, that dress.
Wait until you see the jacket, girl.
I'm doing the 80s lady, you know,
Mary Jane girls meets Sheila E.,
Call me Sparkle, honey.
-Sparkle. -(giggling)
No, no, no, no, no. Let me see.
Yes. Okay, you look hot, red hot,
like Joan Jett on fire.
We're definitely finding you a rocker tonight.
Oh, my God, do I look fat?
Did you really just ask me that right now?
All right, one more thing. Hold on.
(humming)
Mm. Mm-hmm. Okay.
Oh, oh, okay, that's awful.
-(giggling) -We'll work on that.
Judy: April, Vida!
Oh, my God, why are you not ready yet?
Yeah, girl, as soon as I let down this mane,
we are ready to go.
Judy: I don't know about this, you guys.
I feel really uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable? You're not supposed to feel comfortable.
Yeah, yeah. Way more important to look good, honey.
To look good is to feel good, am I right?
-I'm right, right? -Yeah.
I'm definitely not sitting tonight,
and I'm definitely not peeing tonight.
I know my heels already hurt, I probably won't be able
to stand tomorrow, but I look damn good, right?
So get out here.
Oh, my God.
April, you are officially the master stylist.
You got dolled up. Mm-hmm!
Are you guys sure it's not too much?
No.
Both: Welcome to Hollywood!
(cheering)
April: We're definitely finding you a beau.
-Vida: And maybe me? -April: Yes.
April: Can we get this down so I can find me somebody?
Vida: Yes.
(men chatter)
Oh, wait guys, I need cigs.
Oh, I wanna get some mints.
-Let's go, girl. -Okay.
Whatever.
(sighs)
Hey, well, watch out for Gus.
Prepare to be saved. (chuckles)
April: Hey! Hey, hello.
Hey. Let me get a pack of Cool Time Ultra.
Hey, how much are these?
Fifty cents.
Something wrong?
Where you going?
-None of your business. -I wasn't talking to you!
I said, where you going, girl?
Um, someplace called, um, Club Dead.
In the name of all that's holy, you can't go in there.
It's a gateway to hell.
Dude, chill out.
If you let her go in there, he will come.
(laughs) Okay, yeah.
Okay, Crazy McWeirdo.
I'm out this, bitch. Y'all coming?
Resist him!
Resist him, you must resist him!
-Hey, you need to relax, man, -Resist him!
-You're scaring that girl! -Resist him!
Relax!
Let go of my arm!
Take this. It'll be your only defense.
If you don't let go of it, I'm gonna use it on you.
Won't work.
So have you guys ever been inside?
Not even close.
Really? How many times have you been here?
-(Scott laughs) -Let me see, um,
every Friday and Saturday,
52 weeks in a year,
that's 110 times, give or take.
What about Scott? (chuckles)
Ask about how many time's he's been here.
Hundred and thirty?
-Maybe 400 times. -No way.
(all chuckle softly)
Man: Shit, shit.
Who's that?
It's Madam. Hush.
You.
You are in.
Wait, I'm what?
You're in.
Welcome to Club Dead.
Cool. So what about my friends?
Yeah, we're friends.
Madam: Just you.
Oh, well, no thanks.
What are you doing?
Well, I came with them, so it wouldn't be right.
You're my guest.
I insist.
Oh, no, I just don't wanna go in alone, so...
Come on you guys, let's go.
Very well.
Your friends may join you.
-What? -We just got in.
This is for real. This is for reals.
-This is our night. -Judy's got the touch.
-(excited chatter) -Will: Excuse me.
-Hi! -April: Okay, it's official.
Jude, you are my new best friend.
Gather witnesses, I'm getting laid tonight.
-Word! -Oh, my God, here we go.
Meow!
♪ (electronic dance music plays) ♪
-Can you believe this shit? -Scott: What?
♪ (dance music intensifies)
This is what I'm talking about, baby.
Enjoy yourselves.
-Welcome to the Club Dead. -(nervous chuckling)
There's an open bar.
Did you, did you say open bar?
-Yes. -As in free?
Yes.
-(chuckles) I love you. -Me, too.
This place is gonna be the death of me.
Thanks.
Oh, my gosh, this place is incredible.
Thank you.
So, I don't get it.
Get what?
My friends have been coming here for a year.
And first try, I get in. Why is that?
You're special, and they are not.
Well, wait. Special?
How am I special?
Let's say, I have a gift.
I can see through people,
who they really are.
Oh, so you're like a clairvoyant or something?
You might call it that.
Let's go sit at my table.
-Really? -Uh-huh.
Okay. (giggling)
Scott: Bartender!
Gin and tonic... In fact, who we kidding?
-Make that three. -All right.
Will: Um, for me, let me get that, um...
Yo, what's that right there?
Let me get that. Come on, come on.
Come on, come on, yeah.
What is that? Black...
Black Momma?
Yep, let me get that, on ice.
Make it quick, man.
(excited giggling)
(shushes) Be cool.
I am, I am.
Bartender, bring more. Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna enjoy myself here. I know I am.
(moans)
(gasps)
Oh!
-Hell. -What?
Check her out.
(scoffs) Seriously, her?
Man, look at her.
She'll break your little ass in half, Scott.
Bartender, let me get another one of those Black Mommas.
No, no, no. She's staring at me. She's staring at me!
Hey, who's staring at who?
-All right. -(Scott giggles)
Yo, yo, check this out.
So that sexy little thing over there,
Scott thinks she's staring at him.
So we need an evaluation, man, come on.
Whoa. Long legs, killer face,
and blind, because she's actually staring at you, Scott.
Damn, that looks tight.
Mm.
Is this-- Is he serious?
(exhales) I'm going in.
All right. This ought to be good.
Mm-hmm.
-Hi. -There you are.
-Here I am. -My name's Scott Shoen.
Calista.
Calista? Couldn't help but notice
that you were noticing me.
Why wouldn't I?
(chuckles) Wanna dance?
No. I'd like a drink first.
Could you get me a drink, Scott?
Oh, yeah.
Aren't you gonna ask me something?
-What? -What I want?
Shit.
What do you want?
A Bloody Mary, of course.
Of course, coming right up.
You should stay right, right there.
♪ (electronic dance music plays) ♪
This club sucks.
How's that?
No one wants to dance with me.
Well, I can be persuaded.
To dance?
Yeah.
Come on.
Madam: Don't worry, they're nice.
Nice, nice,
nice.
Nice.
No, she doesn't drink.
How did you know that?
I told you I can read through people.
Yeah, but how do you make money
off of an open bar?
I mean, you must be running through a fortune
every single night.
This isn't a business.
It's a party.
A party?
Damn, you are doing well for yourself
if there is something like this every night.
I bought IBM with a dollar,
Microsoft at 50 cents.
What?
Oh, my gosh, so you're definitely set.
For at least four lifetimes.
(glass shatters)
You idiot!
Sorry! I'm sorry.
No, it's-- It's okay.
I guess my night's over.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Come to my office.
I have something that will fit you perfectly.
Okay.
Let's go.
-(laughing) -What?
Oh, I have to drain my weasel.
Oh, I don't think you have a weasel.
Unless there's something you're not telling me?
Hey, don't be a smartass.
But I am a smartass.
Hey, bathroom around here?
Oh, damn.
(door rattles)
(door thuds)
(door creaks)
Oh, thank God!
Really?
(flushing)
(growling)
Hey, hey, I...
You're never gonna believe what I just saw.
-Okay, what? -I was--
(stammers) I was going to the bathroom and I came out
and I saw a coffin.
Okay.
I mean, there were coffins. What are you saying?
I'm saying that's weird, isn't it?
That's creepy. There's a freaky...
Vida, it's called Club Dead.
What do you expect?
Oh, my God.
Never mind.
(stutters)
Hello.
Hi.
I'm Viggo.
I'm April.
You are exquisite. Where are you from?
Glendale.
-A local girl? -Born and raised.
Would you honor me with a dance?
Yes.
♪ (electronic dance music plays) ♪
Tony?
I told you we'd be together.
-(hissing) -(screaming)
Will: Vida!
-Will. -Vida.
(chuckles) You wouldn't believe how many connections
I'm making here, girl.
Whoo! I never met so many agents in my damn life.
I think it's the abs.
I don't care about the connections,
I don't care about the agents.
There's something...
Something here is off about this place, I'm telling you.
I don't know-- Something's wrong?
Yeah.
What the hell you talking about? Something's off?
-It's-- -No, everything is on.
Look around you. This is perfect.
There's nothing wrong with this place.
It's never been better.
Like, seriously, you know how long we've been waiting
to get into this damn place?
-God, come on. -I'm telling you.
Lighten up, girl.
Stop! I'm just, I'm telling you, it's just...
-All right. (stuttering) -Something is...
-Will! (sighing) -Okay, okay, okay.
Aside from that, forgot to tell you.
I met this sexy,
mm, sexy ass Asian chick, right...
-(laughing) -...that's, like, all over me.
No, no, no. Stop laughing.
Look, she works for Tom Hanks.
-Oh. -How about that, right?
-(laughing) -Great. Where is she?
I don't know. Probably in the powder room or something.
I'm telling you, something's wrong.
-Something's not ri-- -(shushing)
Here she comes, here she comes.
(laughs) There you are.
I thought I lost you.
(mumbling)
Oh, Vida, Sunny. Sunny, Vida.
-Hi, Vida. -Hi.
So, uh, wanna make it a threesome?
Vida: My God, no.
Knock yourselves out.
Well, your loss.
(Will laughs weakly)
Will: All right.
Madam: How are we doing, my dear?
Well, it's a perfect fit.
I mean, it's not exactly something I would wear,
but hey, at least it's dry.
(chuckles) You forgot something.
Beautiful.
-Beautiful. -Okay. Let's check it out.
(soft whir)
So?
(chuckles nervously) Well...
it's a little wild, but hey, it looks good.
You'll fit in better downstairs.
Have you seen... Have you seen my cross?
Your what?
My bracelet. It has a cross on it.
Have you seen it?
No, I didn't see it.
Hmm. Okay.
(sizzles)
(sniffs delicately)
Do you smell something burning?
(chuckles) This place is so old.
It was built in the 40s.
It's probably the electric again.
♪ (electronic dance music plays) ♪
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, is that blood?
What the...?
Oh, shit, I'm through. I'm through, that's it.
Oh.
(chuckling)
Oh.
(both moan)
Will: Oh, shit.
What the hell is that?
(Sunny moans)
(Sunny gasps)
-(moaning) -(chuckling)
Wow! (laughs wildly)
(both moan)
(Sunny growls playfully)
Say, you know what I like about you, Sunny?
You dispensed with all this,
"I need to get to know you better" bullshit. (laughs)
(Sunny pants)
See now, now most guys wouldn't respect you,
but I'm, "Ah, hell."
The freakier you are, the better sex you get.
(laughs) I love the suspense. Okay.
Oh.
(screams) Oh, shit!
(vampire hisses)
You picked a tasty one.
Thank you, Master.
What the hell are you?
You know who I am.
Vyrolakas, Prince of the Undead.
I am a vampire.
(laughs evilly)
Look, freak job, I don't know what the hell Sunny told you,
but I don't get down like that, all right?
I'm straight as an arrow, okay?
If you want, West Hollywood's that way, man.
(shushes) Relax.
You're so fresh.
Fresh, dark, so tasty.
(Will sobs softly)
I'm going to give you a gift of eternal life.
All you need to do is give up your body,
and your soul, and you will join the ranks
of the undead.
I work as a waiter.
You're a little too late for that one, man.
Oh, relax.
-Just breathe. -(hyperventilating)
I'll do all the work. (chuckles)
(Will screams)
(Vyrolakas growls)
(screams)
(Vyrolakas growls)
Vyrolakas: You're being a very difficult meal.
Oh! How am I ever going to get in there?
(Sunny exclaims)
-(banging) -(Sunny squeals)
(Vyrolakas growls)
(Vyrolakas screams)
Vyrolakas: Burn!
Sunny: Master! (sobs hysterically)
Dammit, Sunny, what's wrong with you?
-(Sunny sobs) -Oh, God! Freak!
(low thud)
Something wrong?
I will see you later in the club.
I have something to tend to.
Oh, okay.
♪ (faint electronic dance music plays) ♪
You've been pretty busy, haven't you?
Look, I don't know what the hell you're talking about, lady.
You killed Count Vyrolakas.
Oh, you mean the freak downstairs?
Look, I didn't sign up for some
goddamn vampire nightclub or whatever.
Well, this isn't a nightclub.
What the hell is it?
It's a restaurant.
A restaurant?
Look, just get the hell out of my way, okay?
-Hold on. -(bone crunches)
(screaming)
You broke my arm. Bitch!
The count and I went way back,
about 200 years back.
What do you want with me, huh?
What?
You want to turn me into a vampire?
Okay, I'm game, all right?
I'm yours, I'm in.
Just whatever.
I don't think you're gonna cut it.
The bottom line, Will, is that you're a schmuck.
And you're gonna die like a schmuck.
You see, I got a choice.
Take a little, take a lot.
I take a little, you live eternally.
I take a lot,
you be just plain dead.
Oh, come on, come on.
And, you know, when I run this club,
I get so busy,
I skip meals.
I'm chowing down!
(growls)
(Madam chuckles evilly)
Judy! Hey.
Judy: Hey.
What's up with this getup?
Oh, I had a little accident.
Hey, excuse me.
All right, you guys, we gotta go.
What's wrong? Aren't you having a good time?
I just found a coffin downstairs.
I think I just drank someone's blood,
and there's no exit in this place.
I can't find an exit anywhere. We gotta go.
Vida, the exit's right over there.
No, it's not.
I'm telling you, there's no exit.
-We gotta go. -Okay. I'll show you.
Okay.
Did you just say coffin?
(sighing)
-Thank you. -Wait. Where the hell is it?
What?
I'm telling you, it was right here.
I'm telling you, it's not.
-(Eli sighs) -Let's go. Told you.
So, what'd you say your name was again?
Calista.
Oh, Calista. That's a beautiful name.
Thank you.
(chuckles) So what do you do during the day?
-Sleep. -Sleep.
Oh, party girl, I got it. (laughs)
No, really. I trade on the Japanese market.
Oh, yeah, that's a time difference.
But you must be making beaucoup {end-italic}bucks.
I'm all right.
What do you do?
(chuckles nervously)
Oh, well, I'm an agent.
Yeah, I'm a talent agent.
Yeah, I work with big movie stars.
-Really? -Russell Crowe,
Beyoncé, the list goes on.
That must be interesting work.
(laughs) Ah, you know, it's dog eat dog,
but... (laughs) I love it.
Sure is, um, loud in here.
Oh, yeah, you wanna get out of here?
No.
I do know the owner quite well.
Let's go upstairs.
(Scott sighs)
Thank you, God.
-Let's have a good time. -(both chuckle)
What are you waiting for?
Oh, my God, I gotta have you.
(laughs) You can have me.
Forever.
Forever?
-Yeah. -What does that mean?
(scoffs) For eternity.
Wouldn't you like that?
(laughs weakly) I was thinking
maybe more just, you know, the weekend?
-(both laugh weakly) -Possibly?
Um, no. When I'm with a man, it's forever.
(both laugh softly)
Okay, okay, hold up.
We've known each other maybe, like, 20 minutes.
Aren't we moving a little fast here?
Oh, so you fancy yourself a playboy?
I don't fancy, I am. I can't be tied down.
Oh, okay. So the fast-paced life of a waiter
is just too much to fit me in?
Waiter? What are you talking about?
You're a waiter.
No, I'm agent.
Where you getting this waiter thing from?
(laughs softly) I know a lot about you.
Really? What--
What is it you think you know about me?
Oh, I know about the girl you dumped.
(as Camille) Camille.
Whoa, whoa.
How did you do that?
How'd I do what?
You sounded just like her.
Did you know her?
How would I know Camille?
Holy shit!
I loved you, Scott.
-How are you doing this? -Why did you dump me?
(door rattles)
-(low whir) -(yelps)
-What is this? -Camille loved you.
-I know. -You know, she killed herself.
I know.
But you never told your friends. Why is that?
What are you?
You're not answering my questions, Scotty.
Why didn't you tell them?
They liked her, okay?
I didn't want them to hate me.
You're a bad boy, Scott.
You might as well have killed her yourself.
I didn't know she'd do something like that.
How was I supposed to know?
You might as well have put the gun to her head.
Oh, she never got to kiss you goodbye.
I think she'd like to.
Why are you doing this? (grunts)
Showing you what you could have had.
-Let me out of here. -I don't think so.
-Jesus. -(hissing)
This isn't happening.
Relax.
(screaming)
-April! -(retches)
Oh, my gosh, are you okay?
-I feel like I'm sick. -We'll get you out.
(all exclaim)
Oh, it was not good. (coughs)
(April retches)
Okay. That's gross.
-(April retches) -That's nice.
That's really nice.
Just gonna stand there?
Yeah, this is actually a really good distance
between vomit and me. I'm good.
Get your ass in here. Help me with this.
-(sighs) -April? Okay.
I'm just gonna take you to the sink and get some water.
Okay? Come on.
-Eli: Here. -Okay.
-Come on. -Okay.
Get her, get her, get--
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right. To the sink, to the sink.
(April retches)
What the hell is that?
Eli: What?
Oh, my God, look at her neck.
What is it? What?
-What is it? (moans) -Eli: I don't know.
-Shit.
Oh, my God, those are vampire bites.
Vampire bits? What?
No. Vampires don't exist.
Come on! Vampires don't--
How the hell do you explain that?
Just chill, all right?
I must look like crap, you guys.
Don't even worry about that right now.
-Let's go! -Eli: Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
April: Oh my God. (wails)
Oh, my God. He did something to me.
I don't know what the hell is going on,
but that has to be a trick mirror or something.
-Judy, come on. -What did he do to me?
What did he do to me?
It's okay. Come on, you're gonna be fine.
Yeah, come on. It's too late.
No, no. (shouts unintelligibly)
-Eli: Let's go. -(April shouts)
(coughs) I'm not dead.
Judy!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! What are we gonna do?
We have to get out of here.
We can't, because there's no exits.
We have to pull a fire alarm or something.
We need to get help.
-Call 911. -Yeah.
Shit, no bars.
Me, neither. This place must be made of iron or something.
You guys, this cannot be real.
Oh, it's real, it's too fricking real.
Well, why is it happening to us?
Us?
This isn't about us, this is about you!
-Me? -Yeah.
Man, we've been coming here for months,
and then on your first night, you come and you just get in?
Yeah, but that's not my fault. I didn't do anything!
Yeah, but she picked you. Why?
I-- I don't know.
All she said was that I was special.
-Special? -Yes, special.
What does that even mean, special? Why?
Judy: I don't know. I don't know.
How am I supposed to know what that means?
Guys, remember when April went to get cigarettes,
and he said to us if we come in here,
that "he" will come?
If you let her go in there, he will come.
I have no idea what that means,
but all that I know is, it has to do with you!
With me? Wait, you guys.
Don't leave me! Wait!
Guys, don't leave me!
Vida!
Eli!
(Judy sobs)
(Judy sobs softly)
Are you all right?
I'm Mario.
Are you hurt?
No. No, I just can't find my friends.
What's your name?
Judy.
Well, Judy, you are the loveliest thing
I've seen in a long time.
Thank you.
Madam picks only the best.
How do you know her?
She's my mother.
Oh, interesting.
Well, I should probably get going.
You don't wanna go.
You wanna talk to me, don't you?
Judy, don't go.
I don't wanna go.
You wanna find out all about me.
Right?
I wanna know everything about you.
I see you two have met.
Good.
Don't let me interrupt you.
Vida!
Vida?
(hisses)
Shit!
It's a beautiful night.
Are you all right?
Yes.
I can see the pain inside of you.
He hurt you.
Yes.
You weren't ready.
No, I wasn't.
But he didn't understand.
I wanted to know that I was going to be married.
He just wanted to use you.
Yes.
You saved yourself.
Yes.
You had to.
You had to wait for the right one.
I know.
Does it bother you that I'm--
A virgin?
Of course not.
It's a plus.
I don't know how this is possible.
How what is possible?
I feel closer to you than any other human being.
I feel the same way.
Something is happening to me.
It's because I love you.
I love you.
I can't believe it.
How could I love you?
Doesn't matter how.
But you do.
-Vida, Vida! -There you are.
Where the hell have you been?
Me? Where have you been?
I've been looking everywhere for you.
How we gonna get out of here?
I don't know. I'm working on it.
I'm scared. I don't wanna go out like this.
It's all right.
I'll think of something.
(Madam growls)
(Eli gasps)
Eli!
No!
(exhales)
Welcome to Club...
-Eli: No! -Dead, baby.
No, not me.
Why are you doing this to us?
You're getting in my way.
How?
You're putting bad ideas in your friend's head.
-Who, Judy? -Madam: Yes. Judy.
She's special.
She has a destiny.
Oh, what? You wanna turn her into a freak like you?
(Madam growls)
You spend your lives doing menial jobs just to survive,
get married and have kids you can't afford.
You'll end up in a second rate retirement home.
Your kids won't even visit you.
Who's the freak?
Where are Will and Scott?
Oh, Scott, Scott's come on board.
He shows a lot of promise.
Will, however, didn't seem like a team player.
Let me guess.
I'm next.
All in good time.
I have a wedding to prepare for now.
-Wedding? -Uh-huh.
Oh, I guess your invitation got lost in the mail.
(panting)
-(gasps softly) Oh, Vida. -What?
Vida, I'm in bad shape.
What do you-- What do you mean?
You just gotta let me off the hook. You gotta.
I don't want. I don't want this shit.
No, I can't, I can't make it stop.
Yes, you can.
I can't.
-This is crazy. -I won't be one of the damned.
-This is nuts. -Please, you have to kill me.
-There's not much time left. -No.
Please. You have to.
I'm too weak to do it.
-I can't. -Vida!
I've already died, okay?
It's not like you're murdering me.
-I'm already a dead man. -No.
God damn it, Vida! Kill me.
No.
If you won't, I'll spend eternity in hell.
(inhales deeply)
Just right in the heart, okay?
Okay. (gasps) Hurry.
(hyperventilating)
No, I can't, I can't.
(breathes hard) Oh, God.
Vida, are you my friend?
-Yes. -You love me.
-Yes. -Then do it.
Do it!
Oh, come on. Vida, please.
You know what I'm in for if you don't.
This is my only chance to be saved.
You have to kill me, please, just do it right now.
(breathes hard)
Oh, God, forgive me.
(whimpers)
(screaming)
(sobs)
Oh, shit.
(gasps)
(cries) Oh, Eli.
Oh, my God.
(growling)
-(slurping) -Oh, my God!
(hisses)
Oh my God, Eli. Oh, my God.
(growls)
I waited for you for such a long time.
Finding a virgin in Hollywood, is like...
...finding a needle in a haystack.
Is it time yet?
Soon, baby.
Soon.
I'm so happy.
I'm finally gonna hear the pitter-patter
of little vampire feet.
(muffled yelps)
(cries)
You're clean.
Oh, God, Gus!
You don't listen too good, do you?
How the hell did you get in here?
Subway runs under here. I've got my ways.
Get me the hell out of here.
What about your friends?
They're gone. (sobs)
What about the girl?
-What girl? -The chosen one.
Judy?
She's with the Madam.
She been bitten?
I don't know, she said something about a wedding.
I'm not too late.
For what?
Madam's been waiting for the chosen one,
a woman of purity,
so that her son may spawn.
A woman of purity?
Yeah. She's chaste.
That's why Madam chose her.
Only a woman of pure vessel may bear
the child of the vampire.
Oh, so she wants to get her knocked up?
Yeah. Your friend's about to become
the mother of a dark prince.
You see, these vampires have a,
a pecking order, if you will.
A royal lineage.
Madam's in line for her grandson to become king of the vampires,
lording over a kingdom of three million strong.
How do you know all this stuff?
Because I'm a Sentinel.
I know. You said that before.
What does that mean?
We're a select order whose job is containment.
Near every vampire cell or pocket of vampires,
you'll find a Sentinel, waiting to respond to trouble.
I am that Sentinel here.
So what are you, some kind of vampire hunter or something?
More or less, yeah.
You know, if you didn't spout all that crap,
maybe people would actually listen to you.
It's not crap.
This is a place of pure evil,
evil that's been written about for millennia in Scriptures.
Yeah, but Judy's a good person.
She doesn't deserve any of this.
Yeah, maybe she should've been a little more selective
about for who she was saving herself for.
(hisses)
You need some protection.
What are you doing?
What is that?
Just hold still.
(yelps)
One part garlic, one part holy water.
Oh, shit. Dammit.
I just wanna get out of here.
My work isn't done here yet.
Your work can go to shit.
Just tell me how get out of here.
There's a subway system, but you'd never make it.
You'd be electrocuted, you don't know what they're doing.
Hurry up.
What is that? Is that a bomb?
-(beeping) -Plastique, C4.
Whatever you do, stay on that side of the room.
Okay. I like it.
Let's light it and let's get the hell out of here.
I told you, my work here is not finished yet.
Quiet, everyone.
Quiet.
Today is a glorious day for me.
A dream has finally come true.
Today, we shall be the witnesses
of the union and consummation of my son's wedding.
(speech in the background)
Take this.
What is this?
It's a detonator. It's armed, it's ready to go.
Pull the trigger and you're good.
(gasps) How do-- How do I know what to do with it?
Gus: I'll give you a signal.
Madam: Let's get this going.
We are fighting the sun.
Let the wedding march begin.
♪ (distorted electronic version of The Wedding March {end-italic}plays) ♪
On behalf of the bride and the groom,
I would like to thank all of you for being here tonight.
In addition to witnessing the wedding vows,
this is also a time to reflect at the big guy downstairs.
Tonight, my son Mario and Judy
are going to be united in a grand unholy union.
This is not entered into lightly.
It is entered into with reverence and perpetuity.
No longer you shall be individuals.
You will be one,
joined by love
and evil.
And now for my favorite part,
the rings!
These rings were worn by my parents.
Now, I offer them to you, Mario.
Repeat after me.
This ring symbolizes our union for eternity.
Madam: For today, tomorrow, and all the centuries to come,
you are my life partner, my beloved, my friend.
With this ring, I thee wed.
For today, tomorrow, and all the centuries to come,
you are my life partner,
my beloved, my friend.
With this ring, I thee wed.
Madam: Judy, repeat after me.
This ring symbolizes our union for eternity.
Madam: For today, tomorrow, and all the centuries to come,
you are my life partner, my beloved, my friend.
With this ring, I thee wed.
For today, tomorrow, and all the centuries to come,
you are my life partner,
my beloved, my friend.
With this ring, I thee wed.
(C4 beeping)
Madam: Mario and Judy,
having witnessed your vows of love
and faith to each other,
it is my joy and personal privilege...
-(arrow swooshes) -...to pronounce you man and...
-(groaning) -(inhaling sharply)
(gasping)
Madam: No, Mario!
Now!
(thunderous explosion)
Gus, it's Judy.
(screaming)
Go!
(wailing)
Come with me.
(gasps) Get them!
(hisses)
Judy, Gus, hurry up.
-That way. -Go, go, go, go.
(hissing)
No. Let's go.
(hisses)
(screaming)
(crossbow clicks repeatedly)
Die, son of a bitch!
(groaning)
(whimpering)
That's mine, bitch!
(hisses)
This way!
Judy: Hold on!
Gus: Come on, come on.
Judy: Wait.
Come on!
Wait, what about Vida?
-Gus: Come on! -Where are we going?
-To the roof. -What are we doing?
Saving your soul.
What are we doing up here?
(screams)
Get back.
Oh, I'm so scared.
Gus,
we got some issues.
No shit.
-You killed my Mario. -Just in time.
Just in time!
(laugh) You think that wedding meant anything?
That was just for me.
You know how sentimental I am.
The marriage was never completed.
But it was consummated.
She has the seed.
My Mario was always a hound.
No. No, he never bit me.
My son was never conventional, dear.
(gasps) Oh, man.
Hand her over, Gus.
Never!
I've won.
You lost.
Don't be a poor loser.
Get back, bitch.
I don't have time for this.
Hand her over.
Over my dead body.
Okay!
(Madam roars)
Drop him!
Isn't that cute?
The junior vampire hunter.
Let him go!
Pretty scary situation,
isn't it?
One shot.
You miss, and there'll be hell to pay.
Gus: Don't look in her eyes.
Bet you've never used one of those before, have you?
Nope.
But I did put myself through college
on a skeet shooting scholarship.
(crossbow fires)
(gasps)
(cackles)
Madam: No! No!
(sizzling) No!
(screaming)
(frantic screaming)
(Judy panting)
Want me to save your soul?
Yeah.
How about some rum?
Cool, I'm game.
Can I get a bottle of that Tropical Beach?
(paper bag rustles)
That's $12.
Where you guys going tonight?
Hitting the clubs, need a little pick-me-up.
What club?
Club Dead.
Don't go in there.
It's a portal to hell.
You steer clear or your souls will be lost.
You listen to me, I'm the Sentinel.
Listen to me, I'm the Sentinel.
I am the Sentinel!
(creaking)
(exhales slowly)