Anyway, to cut a long story short, I decided to kill myself.
That's the trouble with suicides, I've learned, you can't cut the long story short.
Because it's the long story that people are interested in.
Especially if you're me,
which, regrettably, I was, and still am to this day.
So, forgive me if you already knew this but
I'm Martin Sharp, the man who had everything.
One wife, two children, three dogs,
at least four People's Choice Awards, and five mornings a week
of the most successful breakfast show in Britain.
They were even for offering me Mondays off.
So far, so good.
I had reached middle age unscathed with money in the bank.
Until I met Susie Jenkins at a launch for a new men's moisturizer.
All I can say in my defense, Your Honor, is that she looked 25 to me... but she wasn't.
Queue, in chronological order: tabloid frenzy, a short prison sentence, divorce, disgrace, demolition.
Door closing.
New Year's Eve is supposed to be a pause for breath, a punctuation mark.
Well, I had come to a full stop... really.
Why wouldn't I want to throw myself off the top of a tall building?
Excuse me.
Hi...
I'm not entirely sure how to phrase this, but, are you going to be long?
What?
I wasn't sure whether to wait my turn, or...
I haven't considered the wire. I'd really like to borrow your ladder?
Maybe I should just wait. I'll wait.
- You just going to stand there and watch? - No, no, of course.
- You'll be wanting to do it on your own, I imagine. - You imagine right.
- I can go there. - Right.
I'll give you a shout on the way down.
All right.
Ah, be geez!
I can't... Maybe you should go first?
I want to be on my own... completely.
Understood... twenty minutes... then I want my spot back.
- Right. - Okay.
- What... - Oh!
Maureen.
Martin.
Are you from... oh... I... I recognize your face.
- Oh, do you? - Were you married to somebody in a pop group?
No.
- Were you on TV? - Maureen...
perhaps this is not the best time to talk about this.
- Out of my way, Fuckers! - No, stop, stop, stay calm!
- Maureen, get help! - Who the fuck are you?
- What do you want me to do? - Sit on her!
You were getting a thrill out of it, weren't you, you pervert!?
- Oh, my God! - What?
- You're Martin Sharp! - You are a pervert, officially.
That's it! Rise and Shine with Martin and Penny!
Let me...
What?
Hi.
You guys order a pizza?
Well, should we do introductions?
I'm Jess.
Everyone calls me Jess.
I... I... I'm Maur... Maureen.
- I'm J.J. - I'm...
- Martin Sharp. - Yes.
It's very exciting to have a celebrity in our suicidal midst.
This is wrong.
All right, well, we could just do a one, two, three, jump!
I wouldn't've minded if it had been the proverbial cry for help,
but, believe me, you don't cart a ladder up 15 flights of stairs
on a freezing cold New Year's Eve unless you're serious.
Nice to meet you.
It was just another debacle, another cock-up.
I'd've believed if you'd told me half an hour before that I'd end up on my car... but not in it!
And I absolutely knew, with every fiber of my being,
that I wouldn't be seeing any of those freaks and misfits again.
I didn't know what they were doing up there and I didn't want to find out, thank you very much.
I've no interest, whatsoever.
Oh, fuck.
Do I regret stopping to pick her up?
Well, that really is a long story.
Want a lift?
No, no, the bus'll be along in... in 15 minutes.
Get in the car, Maureen.
I did like your television show.
What are you doing?
Ah, it's a bit 'early for a reunion, isn't it?
Get in the car, we're taking you home.
So, this is...
jolly.
Okay... one word answers.
Everyone has one word to explain why they were up on the roof in the first place.
For example, Martin might say... "Notoriety".
- Maureen might say "Loneliness". - I'm not lonely.
- Tell that to your cats. - I don't have cats.
I was up there because I felt... helpless.
"Helpless", that's a very good adjective.
Are we not fitting into your preordained boxes, Jess?
Actually, you fill your one marvelously, Martin. Was prison fun?
You really believe you have an answer for everything, don't you?
I really believe that you are a miserable bastard, yes.
These are by δΘΣτΘP⌠ß⌠Θ which is Greek to me.
Actually, right now, a "Miserable bastard" is exactly what I am, have I not been hiding it well?
- Pizza Boy? - J.J.
Why might Pizza Boy want to die?
What would be your reason, Jess?
My reason would be: "Love".
Chaz, Chaz the Dickhead, he spurned me.
I'm a spurned woman.
Cancer.
I was up there because I have cancer.
- I have an inoperable cancer. - We have a winner!
It's fucking brilliant. Very impressed. Is it... is it embarrassing cancer?
Brain... C.C.R.
- I'm sorry, J.J. - Yeah.
A colon would've been better.
Oh! We're here.
- Here? You live here? - No.
But Chaz is likely to be here and I've got a couple of things I want to say to him.
Good luck with your next attempt, see you in the afterlife.
Get out, good night.
- Unhappy little thing, isn't she? - I should have known.
The most popular place in London for suicides are the most popular night for suicides.
- I should have known I wouldn't be alone. - I dunno why she thought I had cats?
She certainly swears too much, but...
- Go on, Maureen, just say it. - I just...
Should you be alone?
All right.
- You... you go that way, I'll go... - No, no, no, I can't do this, I can't do this.
Hey, what else are we gonna do? And Maureen, you take... you take the bathrooms.
The bathrooms, bathrooms! Okay go!
I'm looking for a girl called Jess... Jess?
I'm looking... I'm looking for a girl called Jess... Jess.
Hi, I'm looking for a...
Hi.
- I'm looking for... - Hi.
I am looking for a girl... Jess.
Good... great... perfect.
9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!!!
Happy New Year!!!
Hi.
- You're hiding, too, are you? - Yeah, I've... I've taken some pills, we're all good.
- What are you hiding from? - Well, you know... humans,
- humanity, life. You? - There's a nutter who's trying to kill me.
Your reason's better than mine then. And where is this... nutter.
- She's everywhere. - Oh, godlike is she?
I was just hoping it was in the bad pill, and...
Well, she... she's not supposed to be here, I'm pretty sure I've just seen her.
I'm... I'm... I'm pretty sure I've seen you on Breakfast TV, so...
maybe I'm actually having a good pill, and...
- You're Chaz, aren't you? - How did you know that?
I'm here with the... nutter.
Chaz. Chaz, Chaz, Chaz, just wait, listen, listen to me, listen.
Let's just go find her together, all right? I mean, what's the worst that can happen?
She tried to kill me twice, got me... got me arrested once,
- I'm banned from three pubs, two clubs and a cinema. - Okay.
Just... just let me leave quietly. I've done nothing wrong.
Nothing wrong! Taking her to bed! Nothing wrong?
Where is she, where's Jess? We need to find her. You need to talk to her.
She won't talk, she was just chasing me with a bread knife.
Oh! Tonight she prepared to end her life because of what you did to her.
- Maureen, don't. - She was?
Yeah, that's where we met her, at the top of a tower block, preparing to...
- What? - Hey, hey, it's Jess, come on.
- How's she doing? - Great.
Do you know what she took?
- I dunno, drugs, alcohol, you know, the usual. - Are you her father?
No, I'm not.
- Next of kin? Are you next of kin? - No, no, no, no, I’m not.
- I need to know her name. - I only... she's called Jess.
- Sir, I need her full name. - None of us knew her before tonight.
- You need to wait here. - She's got no identification on her, no nothing.
Yeah, well, she probably didn't want to make her identification easy... she likes things, you know, difficult.
Hoss-pitals... not a fan, good drugs, though.
- You late for something? - I have to make sure I'm home to make Matty some breakfast.
- Matty? - My son.
- You have a son? - Yes.
His breakfast is quite complicated.
I don't... ya know, if I'm not going to die tonight, it's important...
that he doesn't know anything that happened.
Here she comes.
Oh, boy.
Okay... just got a few things to clarify...
Number one: My gown's open-back, 'cause they've stolen my clothes.
So, I'm just gonna go twirl for you right now, and you can have a look at my ass.
Just once, it's not my best feature, but that's something you'll probably find out
the more we get to know one another.
Number two: It... it really... it wasn't an overdose.
- It was just an accident. - Jess.
Honestly, I just... I took all these pills.
And then... and then I took some more, but it was... it was just for fun.
I'd never kill myself by taking pills.
I'd probably do something really cool like jumping off the top of a tower block.
- Jess, we were worried. - Was I... was I on number three? I think I was on number four.
I just wanted to say, thank you so much for caring,
because I really... I'd really appreciate that.
He was worried, I was trying to work out what we were still doing here.
Now, number five... I think I was on number... six...
Is... is it just me, because it's... it's really fucking cold out here, Guys?
- It's really cold. - Come here... there ya go.
- Come on in, come on. - Yeah.
These are by δΘΣτΘP⌠ß⌠Θ which is Greek to me.
Thanks.
When is the next day after New Year's Eve, when everybody kills themselves?
- Why? - Valentine's Day.
That's six weeks away?
Okay, here's the deal: Nobody kill themselves until then.
Why?
I mean, why would we want to do that, why would we not want to kill ourselves if and when and how we want, huh?
C'mon, what's the alternative? It's some sort of Race to the Finish.
It's me checking the obituaries every week to if Martin Sharp is dead.
No offense, Guys, but I don't think your deaths would really make the papers.
- Come on, it's six weeks. - It's not such a ridiculous idea.
Yes, Maureen! Has anybody got a pen?
Can I have some paper, as well?
Paper.
Great, thanks.
"The undersigned do hereby promise
not to kill themselves before Valentine's Day. "
Maureen, sign, just wherever you like.
Pizza Boy.
- Very... - You're dying anyway.
Martin Sharp... lifesaver...
Superman.
Six weeks, Martin. We'll all push you off the top ourselves, if it makes any difference.
- It'll be a little Valentine's Day treat. - I'm pretty sure we're all going to live to regret this.
Guys... look.
So this is a new year then.
Yeah.
Hang on, Maureen, just a fucking question here...
have we just written our pact on the back of your suicide note?
Yes, it is that.
My mom always likes to repeat this story of me as a kid being asked what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I always used to say: Invisible.
I don't know quite what prompted it, but the thought of it stuck with me.
It was only later that I found out that invisibility is in fact a technical possibility.
It was in this book that my sister stole from the Library, and I stole from my sister.
I followed her into crime.
But she was better at it than me. She always sort of glowed innocence, whereas
I, to this day, just sort of... radiate guilt.
Anyway, to be invisible is easy, you just have to find a way to diffract light.
Whoa! You trying to get yourself killed?
I haven't managed it yet, but I'm working on it.
I didn't just follow him, I followed all of them.
And it wasn't stalking, you stalk a deer in order to kill it,
mount it, stick it on your wall, and tell the story of how fucking brilliant you are with a shotgun.
I didn't want to kill any of them... I certainly didn't have any interest in mounting them.
And I don't own a shotgun... though I'd like one.
I just wanted to check-in... invisibly, to check they're sticking to the pact.
That's not stalking, it's barely an espionage.
Okay, now I know why you're ringing.
Pink flamingos fly north on Tuesday.
- Hello, Jess. - This is a top spy location now and it's hugely inconspicuous.
Look... we had... this is a situation... I... I've... I've invited...
- A "Situation" is what you're referring to it as? - How else would you refer to it?
I don't know that.
- Well... you... you did what you did. - Yeah, tried to kill myself.
Jess, please don't put words in my mouth. this is hard enough.
- Is it, Dad? - Yes.
Why are we doing this here, what can't we just do this at home?
Because the press will be there and I'm trying to protect you.
Oh, yeah, well, you've always been really great at that, haven't you?
Jess?
- What the hell are you doing here? - I was invited.
You were invited?
- A politician's daughter, I was surprised. - I called his agent, I thought we should all talk.
- You called his agent? - Yes
He was delighted, first call he's had in awhile.
- Was it you... who went to the press? - No!
- I've been trying to figure it out myself. - J.J.?
He's too shy. Maureen?
No, no.
Hey! It was fucking Chaz, Chaz sold us.
My ex-wife rang this morning, wanted to know what I'd done, asking me what she should tell the children.
Oh, I'm going to fucking kill him.
She told me I seemed to be the only person in the whole world that the press gets to bang on,
they say I've slept with 15-year-old, and I generally have.
They say I've contemplated suicide, I generally have.
Yes, I read about you with a... a girl.
- You haven't... you two haven't? - Oh! You're asking whether we slept together?
- I'm rotten, at least I'm legal. - Yeah, I value our friendship too much to complicate it.
Do you plan to maintain your relationship with Jess?
- Yeah, of course he will... we're in a gang. - We're not in a gang.
- Yeah, you signed a pact. - Oh, yes, of course, The Pact, how could I forget?
Yeah, Jess and I are friends for life now.
Now, look, Martin, I'm sure I don't have to tell someone with your media training
that what we... what we have here is... is a media fire storm.
Yes, gentleman, this is a media fire storm. I'll leave you to it.
Jess! Jess!
Why don't you invite him to our family therapy, you could do that.
Why don't you pay him to be you, Dad?
Martin doesn't want my money!
- You don't, do you? - Has anyone ever told you you're a bit of an idiot?
I'm a politician, that's all they ever tell me.
- All right. - Yep.
- Yep, good luck. - Yep.
This is the second tragedy for the Crichton family,
after the disappearance of older sister Jennifer two years ago.
Jennifer was never found. And you have to wonder
how Shadow Education Secretary Chris Crichton will cope with this new strain upon them.
That's all now, boys.
♫ Tragedy: When the feeling's gone and you can't go on, it's tragedy. ♫
♫ When the morning cries and you don't know why, it's hard to bear. ♫
♫ With no one to love you, you're goin' nowhere. ♫
♫ Tragedy. ♫
Jess?
Can I come in?
Can I come in, Jess?
Where have you gone now?
Jess?
How are you?
- Wow! - Jess, this is Matty... my son.
No, I mean... I mean... wow... you just... you completely wowed me.
- Jess... - What's that mean? Wow?
- Like wow! This is what you've been hiding in here. - Jess! Enough!
Sorry.
- I wasn't leaving him... that night... it was... - Maureen, no one's accusing you of anything.
Official Services would be forced to pay for proper care.
I mean, the standard of care they can provide, it's... it's better.
And I don't taunt him, I've never hidden him, never.
Can't we get back to the matter in hand, hm?
Yeah, we're all here to figure out how to get them to leave us all alone.
Yeah, I had three of them call my cell today. How did they even get my number?
- Yeah, how did Chaz even remember you? - You... it's Chaz behind this?
Yeah, I mean, you're quite cute, but you're infinitely forgettable.
They won't... leave us alone.
- They'll find out where you live, where Maureen lives. - What? They'll be here?
So, I've been... I've been thinking, what if we shift the goal posts?
- Goal posts? - Yeah, make it our story not theirs.
I mean, there's even a possibility that we might be able to make some... money out of it.
- Money? - Yeah, money, that would be good for Matty, wouldn't it?
I'm sure J.J. would like a break from pizzas, and
as a unemployed, disgraced talk show host, I could certainly do with it.
- But I don't want Matty in the papers. - We can't stop that.
But, at least this way we won't lose out entirely.
- By telling our story... - What story?
- Hey, we went up and we came back down again? - They've sold newspapers off our backs.
- Isn't it time we got something out of it? - I...
- Yes, okay. - Good, great.
Yeah, I mean, if you think it's... if you think it's right, Martin, yeah, then...
I'm fine actually, 'cause, ya know, I got my dad to nick from.
What if we were to make the story a funny one?
Let me tell you a story.
We were up there, and we were ready to go, and we felt this "Presence".
I would describe it... as light.
E... ethereal, glowing.
It was an angel.
We were visited by an angel, and it looked like... like Matt Damon.
Matt Damon.
Fuck it, yeah, I'm... I'm with her. He looked like Matt Damon.
Who's Matt Damon?
No, no, it wasn't really a physical angel, it was more of a... is that what Jess told you? What else did she say?
And he was naked and he said, he literally decreed: "Thou shalt not die tonight"
I mean, this is Matt Damon, the Naked Angel.
Maybe we shouldn't write all of this down. Can I talk to your editor? Used to be a good mate of mine.
An actor? What film's has he been in?
You're not actually gonna print this, are you?
Yeah, yeah, no, that's how it went.
- I had an interesting thing happen today. - Did you?
Let me guess, your second daughter humiliated you in the pages of the national press.
Actually, no, I was in the Member's Bar...
And somebody came up to you and they said, "Chris, was that your daughter on the pages of the national press?"
People have laughed at me for a long time, but I did prefer it...
when they didn't laugh at you.
- An angel... you told them you saw an angel. - Chris.
And did it look like Jennifer? Is that what you were going to say?
No.
No, Dad, I didn't tell them it looked like Jennifer.
I told them that it looked like Matt Damon.
Zoom in Camera 2. Penny, you start at three, two, one.
Many of us has been transfixed by the story of the Topper House Four and the angel that visited them.
And we are so lucky here on Rise and Shine with Penny, to have them with us in the studio today.
One of them certainly needs no introduction: Martin, Martin Sharp, my old co-host.
Penny, it's an honor to be back on this old sofa again with you.
And I'd really like to take this opportunity to correct a few misconceptions about this so-called angel...
And we will absolutely have time for that, Martin, but it would be remiss of me not to begin the interview
with a bit of background on what's been happening to you in the last twelve months.
Yes, well, yes, well, Penny, currently I'm juggling various job opportunities, concentrating on being a father.
And before that I was in prison.
But what we'd actually like to talk to you about is what we allegedly saw on the roof.
And of course the reason that you were in prison was for an inappropriate relationship with an underage girl.
- That's right, Penny. - And this incident, this sex offense,
led you to lose our job, your home, your family and finally drove you to suicidal feelings.
- That's right, Penny. - Which is, of course, where... where he met you lovely people.
Yeah, yeah, we... we all met up there.
And where you saw your angel that looked like Matt Damon... tell me more.
Wait, sorry, it wasn't an angel, that was... it was more of a light... we never agreed on an angel.
- Now, Jess... - I really... talk to the other people before you...
We know you mostly for your father's Shadow Education Secretary, Chris Crichton.
You should probably talk to J.J. because he's... he is really interesting.
I'm sure he is, I'm sure you're all fascinating, but, Jess, our sympathies lie particularly with you
because of the devastating disappearance of your sister, Jennifer.
You should talk to Maureen, her son lives in a cage.
But, Jess, now we focus on you, it's okay.
- Were you close? - Penny...
- why don't you ask someone else a question? - My old co-host still trying to co-host me there.
Jess, tell me, was that what drove you up there?
Jennifer disappearance, it must have been so painful?
I can see you're getting upset, you must have felt so alone.
- I said, talk to Maureen, bitch! - Many apologies, as you can see...
Why didn't you fucking listen to me? I told you fucking listen to me!
Jess! Jess! Come back.
- It's you. - Hey, I was just checking to see if you're... you're okay.
Yeah, never better, Champ.
Is that... is that right?
- You gonna keep following me? - Do you know where you're going?
- Yeah, I know where I'm going, I'm going where I always go. - Yeah?
Can you walk beside me and not behind me, because my ass isn't my best feature.
Yeah, you... you mentioned that.
- This is where she parked it. - Parked what?
Mom's car, my car, it was going to be my car when Jen went to university.
Found the car, didn't find her.
Ya know, she's gone.
Perhaps she learned how to be invisible.
Must be tough.
My dad organized this nationwide search, he really, really got into it, ya know.
Mom, from the beginning, just gave up hope.
Anyway... at least I don't have cancer.
Yeah... yeah.
- You don't have cancer, do you? - What?
I can see it, I can tell.
If I look healthy, it's because of the drug regimen I'm on right now...
- I've never seen you take a single pill. - Well, the drug regimen is pretty minimal.
J.J., I'm a professional liar, you're not even a competent one.
It just... it just came out, you know, and once it came out I couldn't take it back, so...
You were going to jump, weren't you? You weren't just delivering pizzas and then you got too polite to...
- No, I was... I was gonna jump, yeah. - Why?
It's a simple enough question, J.J.
You are a pedophile, like Martin.
What are the chances of that... four suicide lists, one roof,
two of them pedophiles. That's practically a convention.
Look, I know I shouldn't have lied, it's just.. cancer seemed easier.
- You're a strange guy, J.J. - I know.
Fuck it, I'm stranger, I like coming to hang out at the place my sister disappeared.
Look, what... swifts.
Ya know, my favorite thing about swifts... they nest on the wing.
They were born and then they're fed and the moment they leave the birthplace
they don't come down for two years until they're ready to create other baby swifts.
Oh, my gosh.
You're a bird watcher, that's why you wanted to kill yourself.
I understand now.
- Yeah, yeah. - Good, good.
An elephant, two elephants.
Three elephants, four elephants.
One elephant, two elephants, three elef ...
My first band was called Gepetto.
We were a grunge band, after grunge had long been forgotten.
Timing has never been my strong suit.
We came third in the Idaho State "Battle of the Bands", we got our pictures in the paper,
and I was recognized in the mall.
For me that was fame.
But fame like this, as the Topper House Four...
- Suicide again, then, is it? - Hi, Gladys.
- Those press still about? - Yeah.
In a mere three weeks, we not only not died, but we'd been on the front pages of all the tabloids
and led many people to believe again in the existence of angels... or, at least, Jess had.
We even had questions asked about us in Parliament... though that might have been just to embarrass Jess' dad.
It was Martin who suggested getting away. He said we'd be like Butch and Sundance.
Jess reminded him that it didn't work out so well for them.
But it seemed like a good idea to get away and hope that by the time we got back
we'd be forgotten and the world would be a kinder place... to us and for us.
I wish I had thought life a better option than death.
But it didn't, and wishing wasn't going to fix it.
To quote one of Gepetto's songs, "I don't mind the pain, it's the hope that kills me".
Yeah, we were pretty deep.
Okay, fiver says one of us punches one of the others before the end of the holiday.
- Punches. - Or kicks or slaps or tickles.
One of us will use physical violence against one of the others before the week's out.
- Okay. - This holiday's going to be disaster.
Oh, I hope so.
So, who's looking after Matty, Marie?
No one, she just left some food in the fridge, and some Wet Wipes by the bed.
- I'm sure the break would do you both a world of good. - Yeah, that's what Dr. Stephens said.
- It's taken him four weeks of observations. - Your boarding pass, Ma'am.
Your boarding pass with your flight details on it. You handed it to check-in?
- This? - And your passport.
Here you go.
- Thank you very much. - Maureen. Maureen.
- No, sorry, you can't go back. - Maureen, stop. Please, stop, Maureen.
Please, please stop, it's just a trip, that's all, just a trip 'til all this press nonsense blows over... it's for the best.
No! It's all... too much, I mean, I don't know you, and I don't travel well, and...
and I... I've... I've never been on a plane before. - You've never been on a plane before?
Shut up, Jess.
- Maureen, if you're afraid of flying, I've got these tablets. - I'm not afraid of flying, it' just I'm...
I didn't want to be in the papers, and I didn't want to be on TV, and I don't want to be here now, I just...
I just want to go back to my old life, okay?
Your old life wasn't very good, Maureen. Look, we made a pact.
This is the final call, that will be the final call for flight CA432 to Tenerife.
Will all remaining passengers please make their way to Gate C38 immediately.
- It'll be fine. - Come on.
Here's to a great holiday.
Good afternoon, my name is Angelo and I will be your waiter.
Well, sometimes I will, other times I will be theirs.
- It's just a joke, but real, but a joke. - Hello, Angelo.
- So you're from England, how nice. - Yeah, you knew, Angelo, you just talked English to us.
I did, I did. He always this clever, your husband?
- He is not my husband. - Let me guess, you're all lovers, right?
What? Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. No. We are. We are.
I bring Vaseline and Maureen always brings the dildo.
You know, someone told me you drank that Vaseline once.
Let me think... I can't entirely remember it.
Well, Maureen, you must keep drinking, 'til you remember.
- We're happy. - You, too. - Good.
The sun is so fierce, and the sea is so sparkly and blue.
- Oh, Maureen, tell me that you've seen the sea before? - Yes, I've seen the sea before.
- We're going in? - No.
- Of course you are! - I don't have a swimming costume.
Underwear'll be fine.
- Hey. - Hey. - Hey.
Maureen just called me up on the hotel phone, surprised to have her own bathroom.
- She thinks that this place is the height of luxury. - Yeah, it is kinda cool, huh?
Cheapest place I've stayed in for 20 years.
Yeah?
Doesn't feel strange, does it, us, being away together?
No, no, it feels good.
I thought I knew what I was doing with the press.
- And then... - And then what, Jess' melt down and...
No, no, no, then I realized I got it all wrong, I thought people would like it.
I thought we'd make money and people would find it eccentric and...
- heartwarming. - Heartwarming?
Four peoples, five suicides, find hope, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, ya know.
I mean, it's the kind of good-news story the press love.
I underestimated how much they hate me.
It's not just about you, Martin.
You know... I envy you.
You, your cancer, I mean, it's so cut and dry.
No, really, really, J.J., I am so impressed with you, I mean, you hardly let it faze you.
And that is something to drink to. Here ya go.
Put hairs on your chest.
To your health.
You know what I feel, when I wake up in the mornings?
Humiliated.
You know what I feel at lunchtime? Humiliated.
My life is a constant stream of humiliation.
I don't feel sad and I don't feel angry, I just feel... humiliated.
To humiliation.
Okay, God gives you three wishes.
Ah! God's not a Tombola machine, Martin, he just doesn't give wishes.
- Three wishes, anything you want. - That's easy.
Billions of pounds and my own personal hit man.
And a Court waiver over anything I want to do.
- Really? - Um-hm.
I'd... I'd want... to get more help...
- a bit more of a... a life. - What's: "A bit more of a life"?
- Just what other people have. - What do other people have?
And I'd wish my son all better, which is why I don't do wishes.
I'd want to be famous again, the right kind of famous.
I mean, being famous is great, everyone thinks it's difficult, but it's not.
I mean, ya get to have the best seats in restaurants, people smile at you on planes.
It's great, and whatever you do you feel vindicated by your own fame.
And you never, ever feel humiliated.
It's certainly better than real life, anyway.
Wow!
- You're so deep. - No, I'm just honest.
- Martin, it... - What?! You're nothing if you're not noticed.
Okay, fame or your kids.
- Martin, you don't mean that. - Don't I?
Okay, this is a bad game.
Okay, I wonder what J.J. would choose as his three wishes?
'Cause obviously you'd... you'd want to kill your cancer, to start.
I'm gonna go use the restroom.
Then you'd probably want loads of money so that you can donate it to cancer research.
Ya know, other people are allowed to be in pain, you know that, Jess?
Hey! My English friends! How are we doing tonight?
- It's just... - Peachy, Angelo peachy.
Great! Keep drinkin'.
- You're sitting in my seat. - What?
I'd find another seat but you're also sitting on my shawl.
Oh, shit! Sorry... there.
You know, I think I recognize you from somewhere.
Yeah, there's this thing that... we have been in the papers a bit recently, so...
No, that's not it.
- Are you in a band? - What?
Yeah, you supported Alt-J? Manchester Towers?
Two years ago, it was the first time we came to Britain.
You're the front man, right? I remember loving your lyrics.
Really, yeah, wow, ya know, I... I... I wrote those.
Adolescent shit, mostly.
Are you still serious about it?
- I was, now I'm not so... - What's your name?
- J.J. - Which stands for...?
John Julius.
- Hi, John Julius, I'm Kathy. - Hello, Kathy.
Wow!
♫ At first I was afraid, I was petrified ♫
♫ I kept thinking I could never live without you by my side ♫
This is brilliant! Yeah!
I love it! This is beautiful! Beautiful!
- Who's that? - That is... my uncle.
- I think I recognize him. - Yeah, he's... he's vaguely famous.
Ah, a failed musician with a vaguely famous uncle, I am a lucky girl.
See you later, babe.
♫ ...changed my fucking lock, I would have made you leave your key ♫
♫ if I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me. ♫
♫ Oh, now go walk out the door just turn around ♫
♫ 'cause you're not welcome anymore ♫
♫ weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire, did you think I'd crumble ♫
♫ Did you think I'd lay down and die Oh no, not I ♫
♫ I will survive, yeah, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll be alive ♫
♫ I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give ♫
♫ I will survive, I will survive ♫
- So, you're out here on your own. - Um-hm.
Other people just crowd it and make it about themselves.
So, you're... you're here with family? Your uncle and...?
Yeah, a bit of family... friends... sort of.
But you don't like them? I mean, you ran away from them at the bar.
No, I was thinking it'd be a little... a little intense, ya know?
- And you don't like intense? - No...
Yeah, I can't really talk, because... I'm intense.
Good, because if you're looking for a neurosis free girl, you're bang out of luck.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah, I once set fire to my hair.
Just to see what would happen. I was 10, and it didn't improve my look.
Oh, well, that's... that's nothing, when I was a kid I jumped off our roof just to see if I could hurt myself, and,
yeah, I broke my leg, and I.. I kinda liked it.
Okay, well, how's this for psycho... I... I carved my ex-boyfriend's initials into my left inner thigh,
as a way of telling him that no one else would ever see the... see there.
Easy, I... I recently told some people that I had cancer
to avoid telling them the real reason I had for attempting suicide.
That is intense. What... what was the real reason?
I... ya know, I don't know. I do know that I'm now part of the pact.
- That I had to lie to become a mem... - What pact?
Just a... just a bunch of desperate people being desperate... together
as a way of feeling a little less desperate.
- Okay, you win the psycho game. - Good, good.
I always wanted to win that game.
I haven't done this for awhile, so...
- Okay, now I'm going to say something. - Oh, fuck!
Because if I wait and said nothing and then you spot me after you've kissed, I think I would probably be worse.
- Wait... how did... how did you...? - Just took a credit card and a bit of spit, and...
- hotel security is not what it should be. - How long have you been there?
I just really wanted to apologize for earlier because I don't know... I don't know why I said that.
And then I was probably going to try and shag you.
- She's really pretty, though, so well done! - Hey.
You don't have to say anything, ya can take that one as a compliment.
And I'll just leave... quietly.
- Hey, Jess... - You know, I'd really would prefer it if you don't say anything.
- You do know she's a journalist though, right? - What?
Look in her bag, 'cause I saw her check her recorder in the bar.
- Oh my God. - So, she fucked you though, right?
So, at least she's thorough.
Hey! Hey!
What pact?
Just a... just a bunch of desperate people being desperate... together
as a way of feeling a little less desperate.
♫ Shadows settle on the place, that you left. ♫
♫ Our minds are troubled by the emptiness. ♫
♫ Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time. ♫
♫ From the perfect start to the finish line. ♫
♫ And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones. ♫
♫ 'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs. ♫
♫ Setting fire to our insides for fun ♫
♫ Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong ♫
♫ The lovers that went wrong. ♫
♫ We are the reckless, we are the wild youth ♫
♫ Chasing visions of our futures ♫
- I think it's sweet. - I think it's unsanitary.
No, only part of you thinks that, the other part thinks it's sweet.
Why are you waiting here?
I'm waiting for them to finish this tray of scrambled eggs and bring in a new tray.
But the scrambled eggs are never fresh, Martin.
I might not have been on a lot of holidays, but I've been in a lot of hospitals and I understand institutional catering.
Who are all those people and why do they eat so much?
They're having a good time, that's all.
Martin, thank you for arranging this holiday.
- I think it's been good for me. - You really don't understand what a disaster we all are, do you?
- Come on, let's get you some breakfast. - Yeah, good idea, good idea.
- The prunes are very good. - Don't like prunes.
- Hi. - G'morning, J.J.
I might've said some stupid things last night, drink has never been my friend, I try not to...
So, I got a few things to say, and... I don't think you're gonna like.
- You moving back to America? - Yeah, I'm gonna start with the biggest.
I don't have cancer of the brain, I don't have C.C.R.
- They've cured you! - No, Maureen, I... I never had it.
I... I made it all up, there's actually no such thing as a C.C.R.
It's just Creedence Clearwater Revival, are one of my favorite bands, but...
I wasn't going to say anything.
- Did you know about this? - Ya know, I thought there was something strange.
So, why... why, J.J., were you up there?
- He can't answer that, that's personal. - I'm sure he had good reasons.
- Oh! Did he? J.J., did you? - Yeah.
Guys, actually, I need to postpone this conversation...
We... we had a pact. I... I trusted you, I liked you!
- Martin, please, just sit down, we'll talk about this another time. - Another time? I mean, what time would you like...
- Hey, where were you? - Oh! Right! Great! We all stop for your girlfriend, do we?
She's not my girlfriend, okay, she's... she's a journalist.
- What? - Look, I didn't know...
You don't know much, do you?
If... if... if... if he didn't know, he didn't know, I mean, we've had bad things written about us before.
Look, I understand that you are angry, but, please, Martin, I'm feeling pretty humiliated...
Fuck! You don't understand anything, you certainly don't understand humiliation.
- Martin, you're being dramatic! - You're a leach! You're a fake! You're a fraud!
- John, this isn't... - Who the fuck is John?!
- I'm... look! I'm John, and, you know what, I'm not a fraud. - Stop it! Remember the Pact.
Fuck the Pact!
I'm not a crook!
Good morning, Sunshine. Hello, Sweetheart.
Lovely Sleepyhead... how are you?
Good morning. All right, here we go.
Not having Matty with me on the Holiday, it... it felt like I was missing a leg.
Strange... light.
That's probably not like missing a leg at all.
I don't imagine most people's first impressions of leg loss is weightlessness.
How's that? There we are.
I missed him most when the plane was landing, it shook a little on descent.
I thought I was going to die, and I hadn't said goodbye.
J.J.'s girlfriend's piece meant the story... our story, didn't die.
But Martin said to concentrate on being boring and they'd eventually leave us alone.
So, that's what I did. Not difficult.
And as for the others...
as soon as we landed, we scattered in different directions like we were allergic to each other.
The Pact was broken beyond repair, and without the Pact, our friendship was broken, too.
I still saw them, actually, every now and again.
I saw Jess in places she shouldn't be.
And I did make a little effort to find J.J.
Just to check he was okay.
I never saw Martin.
Though, mostly I got on with my life and hoped they got on with theirs.
Matty did really well. We did some interesting reflex work.
Nice to have him properly looked after for once.
He reacted well to company.
I’m sure he loved a change from my blathering.
- We couldn't get him out of this pool. - Well, he's always loved water.
Ya know, there might be a slot for him to come to one of my weekly sessions, if you'd like it.
- Oh, I'm sure he'd love it. - I'll add him to the list.
- You know, you look like you caught a bit of color. - Ya know, I...
From the pictures in the papers, it looked like you picked a very nice spot.
Yes... well...
Matty? Matty?
Matty!
No! No!
Matty!
Hey, Maureen.
- You came, too? - Yeah, nothin' on TV.
This is my dad, he drove me. He'll probably say something really moving.
- I'm very sorry to hear about your son, Maureen. - Wasn't one of his best attempts, was it?
- I'm... I'm really grateful you're all... you're all here. - Of course we're here.
- This isn't tea. - Oh, I know, it's hot chocolate.
- I asked for tea. - Well, I was buying, I don't like the smell of tea.
- So, when do you buy rounds in pubs... - Pink Gins, then you never have to buy a round ever again.
It's clever, right? Is J.J. still not here, then?
I couldn't get through to him, he's probably not picked up his messages.
Yeah, it's either that or he really doesn't care, it's one way or the other.
I genuinely don't know how you've survived her?
- Earplugs. - I am going to make you go and sit in the car in a minute.
- Earplugs and pink gin. - He wasn't the reason I was up there.
Matty.
- He wasn't... - No?
Ya know, there were lots of reasons I was up on that roof.
You once asked me why, Jess.
And I... I said... I said I... I felt helpless.
But the truth is, I... I've not... I've not done a list for living and a list for...
Ya know, it was a feeling, not a thought.
But not one of all those reasons was...
was that I didn't love my son... not one of them... not one.
Maureen, we know that.
Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No, no, he's fine. Maureen, Maureen... he's fine.
- What? - We're going to keep monitoring him.
But he's no longer critical... he'll be fine.
- He'll be fine? - Yeah, he'll be fine.
Okay.
Now, the tubes look worse than they are and we'll remove some tonight, and the rest, hopefully will be out tomorrow.
I should have seen it coming, if he'd had... if he'd had proper care, then...
Maureen, you saved him.
It was a myocardial infarction.
He... he had a heart attack of sorts, his symptoms were almost invisible.
I did not see it. I was monitoring it and I didn't...
But you caught it, you saved his life.
Matty's a very lucky boy to have you.
I only had one thought... when he...
If he dies, I die.
Well, he lived.
And... and... and maybe he feels the same way about you as you do about him.
Have you ever considered that?
- It is Valentine's Day. - Um-hm.
- Martin. - Yeah.
- Today is Valentine's Day. - Good.
- Martin! - Yeah.
Breakfast TV's completely messed-up your brain, hasn't it?
Come on.
- Oh! J.J. The Pact. - Get Maureen, I'm gonna find J.J. now!
Yeah... oh, shit.
- Have you... have you seen J.J.? - J.J. is gone.
Gone?
Yeah, he's a prick, he left over a week ago, didn't even serve notice.
That prick, you're talking about, Paolo, happens to be my daughter's friend.
And you'd do well to remember that.
Your are called Paolo, aren't you?
It just that it says Paolo's Place outside, and you... certainly sound Italian, you...
look like Italian, and...
- Love your tats. - Come on, Dad.
- Hello? - Oh, yes, hi, hi, hello.
- What? - I'm looking for J.J.
- Who? - John, John Julius.
Oh, J.J.
Oh, I hoped you wouldn't be up here.
Do you know that three people have killed themselves from this building between New Year's and today?
Sue Chomlin, housewife and manic depressive.
David Frommet, banker who lost everything, and...
Ben Peterson... he was only fifteen.
So, you're going to... join 'em?
I kept to the Pact, Martin, okay, just leave, it's none of your business now.
True. Why, though, J.J.?
- Why are you up here? - That's the thing...
Martin, I... I didn't lie you, I don't know.
You... don't know?
That makes my reason better than any of yours.
I wasn't aware that this was a competition.
You see, what Jess needs is to feel important.
Maureen needs to feel... loved.
And you, you just... you just need to grow a brain.
- Fair enough. - That you can solve your problems.
But me, I can't. Martin, Martin, stop!
Martin! Just stop walking. Three steps and I'm gone, just...
Oh, God... look... I'm just... I'm just tired...
of being scared all the time and not knowing why.
I'm tired of being... trying... trying to change and not knowin' how.
Ya know, leavin' my latest shit band... movin' countries...
Because however much I do... change... I'm left with me.
Sounds like you got it all worked-out, J.J. It's logical.
The reason why you wanna die is because you don't wanna live. It's as simple as that, right?
- I used to think like that, too. - J.J.!
- And then there were four. - Don't you get it? I mean, we made it.
All right, we all made it to Valentine's Day and nothing, okay, nothing, absolutely nothing has changed!
- But, everything has changed. - What!?
We are standing in entirely different positions, for one thing.
I didn't ever want to be up here again, J.J, I'm pretty sure none of us did.
He's right, ya know, it's shit up here.
I hope...
I think we still matter to you, J.J.
I mean, why else would you pick Valentine's Day?
You may think you want to die, but you knew we'd look for you.
We're not up here because we want to die, we're here for you.
The Topper House Four! We belong together, we're a team.
I mean we're the worst team the world has ever known, and if I was picking,
I mean, none of you would have made to on the sub's bench, but still, we're a team.
I know. It's not much, son...
But... maybe... we're a start.
You can't even see the bottom.
320 Days later.
Hello?
Hello? Can anybody hear me?
- We can hear you and see you, Martin. - Bonsoir, Martin.
Where's the button for this?
- Oh! How are you?. - Maureen, is that glitter on your face?
No, no... yes.
Matty... Matty seems to like glitter, and we're having a kind of... well... New Year's Eve party.
- Maureen, you Rager. - Jess, please! Trying to keep the noise down out here, okay? Sh!
It was Dr. Stephens' ... Robert's idea, actually. Yeah, he's been hugely helpful.
In return for me joining his quiz team which has caused much
controversy, because I was supposed to join another quiz team and it's... it's kinda complicated.
Sounds complicated.
- I saw your dad got promoted, Jess. - Okay, we must have better news than that, c'mon, somebody say something.
Martin? Why don't you stoke-up this party, why don't you tell us about some of your most recent bedtime conquests.
Well, I'm often asleep by 10, on my own, exhausted.
Are children famous for getting you up early in the morning? I had no idea.
God! When did we all turn into Little House on the Fucking Prairie?
How I've missed you... all.
Ya know, I... I got somethin' to say... my... my therapist...
Therapist!? There! We get out some news. Did you all know, J.J. is now officially mad.
- Ah, Jess, you see a therapist, too. - Yeah, of course, but all the best people are mad, in my opinion.
My therapist told me a story, a true story, about this guy who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.
It's an anecdote, it's not certain news.
The moment he jumped he realized that the only thing in his life he couldn't fix was the thing he'd just done.
I mean, can you imagine those... those five seconds as he fell? The agony of that?
Well, to me, it feels like I fell... with... without falling.
Because of you guys, I had my five seconds up on that roof and... not in the air.
Five seconds...
Well, it means we gave each other five seconds. I like that, J.J.
And then five seconds turned into a year.
Into a life... sentence.
You people make me want to kill myself.
- Maureen, you coming? - No, no, I'm just talking to my friends.
It's almost midnight and we're doing the Lambada. Come on...
Maureen, where are you...
- Maureen! - Happy New Year!
Okay... okay, what just happened? Did Maureen just make us look like we're the square ones?
Remember, you're the one who accused her of having too many cats.
- Time to sign-off. - Happy New Year, Jess.
Happy New Year, Martin.
- Happy New Year, Jess. - Happy New Year, John Julius.
We could go to a party, ya know, in case you were worried about being upstaged by Maureen.
Well, that's just the problem then, isn't it? I don't really want to go to a party.
I think you've broken me.
- Don't... smile. - No?
- I will kill you... - I know.
if you smile.
Come on, up to bed, Sleepyhead.
There ya go. Good girl.
Oh, yes, there ya go.
- Is it midnight yet? - Yes.
It is, you made it.
Another new year. Here we go.