Cameron!
Hi.
My boss is going to kill me for leaving early.
What is your emergency?
I Can't believe you brought me out in the rain.
Oh stop, I love a little summer rain.
I think it's romantic.
And what in the world are you talking about?
I thought you quit the travel agency to
supervise your remodel?
Yeah, I did.
But Owen's out of control and now I'm working
like a dog to pay for it.
And Cameron, I Can't tell Ben.
What's your rush?
You know the market'll tu rn around.
There's only one Hamptons.
Why-why am I here?
What is your emergency?
Ok. Um...
Well, speaking of your Hamptons getaway...
I need to borrow it.
Why?
I'm having a little open house myself.
But only one guy is coming.
Read.
His name is Hugh.
I mean, she's my future baby mama. Ok?
I love me my Kate.
It's not about love. How's your sex life?
It's uh, it's...
It's fine.
My point precisely.
You've got-fa spice it up!
By banging other girls?
No, slow down buddy. You're not there yet.
Slow down.
Start by asking Kate for a threesome.
Are you out of your mind?
Why not'? You ever have one?
- No. - Ahh, see.
Listen, you know I know women.
You know this.
You just gotta grow a pair and ask her.
You know what?
I'm not even supposed to say this... but Kate
has asked Cameron about it.
No, that-don't work me.
That is bull, ok?
There are clearcut signs for when a woman
wants to sleep around. Ok?
I know this.
Perfect hair.
Good panties.
Night time makeup in the morning.
Like you Would know good panties.
I'm just saying if the sex is already boring,
You're not even married yet...
Why not throw it out there for the threesome?
I couldn't handle a threesome.
I couldn't do it. Honestly.
I'm just not well versed enough on three-way etiquette.
I mean where to start.
What to put where.
Who to do who first.
I mean, you know? Am I paying too much attention,
not enough attention. Who to than k.
Oh the pressure.
You thank everybody.
I Can't believe You're having an affair.
Not an affair.
A fling.
A lark.
A romp.
A bootycall.
A little bump and grind.
Uh, what about your husband?
Um, it was Vince's idea.
You are having an open marriage?
How come you never told me this?
Over 50% of marriages fail because of infidelity.
Right
so, right before we got married, Vince came up with 10 rules
to a healthy, open relationship.
How many men have you been with?
That way we never end up divorced because of cheating.
How many?
Men biologically have the need to spread their seed.
How many men?!
It doesn't matter.
Do you think he will like this?
It has no zippers or buttons.
He'll love it.
Ok, so he made up 10 rules.
Yeah.
1. Never go out with an ex.
Right.
2. No more than 3 dates with the same person.
3. No pictures, video, or media yet to be invented
in perpetuity throughout the universe-
4. Always an away game. Never on home turf.
That includes friends and neighbor's beds.
- Can be a problem. - Yeah.
- Mmhmm.
Number 5. Aka the no Marv Albert play by play.
No announcements. No intros. No details.
If you see each other in public, you keep walking.
Hold it, Cami. This is just way too maxim.
And I don't even read maxim.
I mean what happened?
You just woke up one morning and you were like...
Mm, time for some fresh dick.
Sorry.
Number 6. The neighborhood blackout rule.
Stay away from favorite restaurants, clubs, hangouts.
7. The group match.
No more than 5 at a time. 5 only.
Woah, woah, woah. Time out.
Flag on the play. Flag on the play.
What does it matter how many people if You're open about it?
Well more than 5 people, it becomes an orgy.
I have standards.
Yeah, about as high as a limbo stick.
8. No gifts. Giving or receiving.
9. No sleeping with friends and family plan.
That includes second and third cousins-
oh my God. That is so gross.
Only you, Vince, Would need a rule like that.
The number one...
On the letterman top 10. This is important.
Never, ever, ever, ever. Say I love you.
Maybe you should consider separation?
Hell no.
How can I blame him for something I stupidly agreed to?
Well, you don't have to.
That's what divorce lawyers are for.
You don't get it. Girl.
I love him.
Right, but this makes stupid...
You know, like, stupid.
Ahh taxi! Taxi!
Stay, stay, stay!
Please!
Owen says There's no rain in the Hamptons,
so you'll be good.
Oh, great.
Hey, will you keep this for me 'til tomorrow?
I wouldn't want Vince to see it.
Sure.
Mauh, I love you.
You and your summer rain.
You two should only be as lucky us, and you know why?
Enlighten us.
It's because We're always completely honest
and open with each other.
And because we keep surprising each other.
This year for your birthday, I'm taking you antiquing
in Rhode Island.
No!
What?! No!
Yes, yes.
You are so sweet.
Quaint little b & b.
No television.
No phones.
Just you and me, my dear.
- Aww. - That's it.
- I love you. - I love you.
I have been asking you to do this for forever.
No TV?
It's after the playoffs, don't worry about it.
Hey, guys, so what brings us to this 2 credit card dinner?
Who is the hottest children's author since Harry Potter'?
Emma Cooney.
Boom, there we go.
What?
Vince is going to be meeting with her on Friday to discuss
the publishing of her new book.
Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?
Because you Would've bought a new dress.
This one can shop more than a speed freak on ebay.
He's got that right.
Wait until Hugh sees her in that new dress.
You know you can really go from sweet to shitty in one second.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
I will be right back.
No more working at tito travels for you.
You know, I am just going to leave you two
alone for a minute.
Ask her.
What's going on?
I have to ask you something.
Sure.
You know it's only taking this long for me to propose to you,
because I don't want us to end up miserable like my
folks because they're constantly broke.
I can still hear my mom say, "no mo-"
no money comes in the door, love flies out the window."
I love you.
I keep telling you it doesn't matter to me.
We'll do a house up and we'll sell it and it' ll
be our little nest egg. You and I.
Thank God we pulled the plug on the frou-frou decorator
guy, otherwise our nest egg Would be a thee house.
But that's besides the point
that's your money.
Ok? I don't want it.
I'm sorry that our sex life hasn't exactly been-
oh Ben, Ben, don't worry.
We've both been really busy, and You're focused on the business.
It's fine.
Right.
No, wrong.
Wrong?
Way wrong.
Ok, I've been thinking about something.
I don't even know how to say it.
I'm nervous.
It's ok.
I think that the way to take our relationship to the next level-
mmhmm.
Yeah, um...
Is, uh...
It's ok. I'm gonna say yes.
Well, um...
Will you have a threesome with me?
Well, Hugh, I Can't wait to get you buck naked,
because I have a surprise.
It's probably Clamydia.
Hurry up.
Really?
Really? You'll have a threesome with me.
Definitely. Mmhmm.
I've always wanted to know what it Would be like with uh...
Two guys.
The only question is...
Tomorrow morning do I text you or do I nudge you?
Woah , woah.
What's up, cool breeze?
How'd it go?
Awful.
Ok? The worst possible way it could've gone.
Well, then you didn't sell it right.
I definitely sold it, ok?
She said yes.
Then what's the problem?
Kitty Kate, is that'?
Oh my God.
Hi!
Matt.
How are you?
So good to see you.
You too.
You still look amazing.
I see some things don't change.
Well you still look like You're in shape.
You always did like breaking a sweat.
Yeah, I remember our little workouts.
Lets do brunch tomorrow.
Look, I'm only in town for 2 days on business.
We've got a lot of catching up to do.
Not aim, blue goes?
Ok.
See you tomorrow.
Bye.
Uh hello.
Who was that?
Matt.
Ex boyfriend, Matt-high school pole vaulter Matt.
Damn.
He could stick it to me anytime.
Ladies.
Oh, ah.
There we go, perfect timing.
Looks delicious.
A three-way?
Ben Can't even get a boner with the cat in the room.
Matt Would never share me with anyone.
Well at least Benny's getting laid.
I wonder how the yanks are doing tonight.
It's not slutty.
We're evolved.
It's so European.
Great.
I'm gonna have some guys balls in my face.
I'm gonna kill Vince.
We're here at the palatial estate of media.
TSAR Jeffrey fields.
His legendary summer star studded LA Dolce vita ball
is the party of the season.
The place to be.
Now, security is tight, but I had a chance to sit down with
the always controversial fields and talk to him about his
legendary career as well as his notoriously open lifestyle.
Which is being followed by his new reality series,
"fields of dreams."
Mr. fields, the stories are legendary.
How you started in the mail room.
Worked your way all the way up to owning your own multi
million dollar media empire.
Bullshit.
I fucked my way to the top.
I fucked whoever and whatever I had to.
Men, women.
I fucked a camel once.
I don't give shit.
Put it right here in front of my cock and I'll fuck it if
it means I'm gonna get my way.
I'll fuck you and your camera man right now if it'll make
more people watch this shit.
Well...
Why don't we talk about your fabulous ball?
Your guest list is the creme de LA creme of wall street,
Hollywood celebrities, socialites, industrial titans-
and my ever present entourage.
My boys and girls, the beautiful people.
Yes.
What's your secret?
Oh, I have no secrets.
I'm the media whore, remember?
But I don't give anything away.
So go to my newest global venture, fields e-publishing. Com
and for $9.95 you can download all the juicy tidbits
in my bestselling autobiography, "I fucked everyone."
And as in all jeffry fields galas, it don't end
until the sun shines.
I'm Michael CORVIT.
Mr. Owen, I was told you want to move this cigar bar by 4 feet.
Yes, 4 feet, please. Thank you.
But it's a massive undertaking.
Massive undertaking'? You feel that breeze?
Yeah.
You feel the way the smoke from the cigar is going this way?
If You're smoking a cigar, and I'm standing here talking
to GWENYTH PALTROW, and Miley Cyrus, the cigar smoke
comes to them.
Now they smell like Fidel Castro.
You want that?
No. Me neither.
So 4 feet. Thank you.
Ok.
Excuse me!
Why is this purple?
I wanted Violet.
Perfection is our standard.
If it's not our standard, I can git someone else on.
Thank you.
You can take it away now. Go.
Cherie.
Somebody really knows how to crack the whip.
Cherie. You should see me in the bedroom.
That can be arranged.
If I had mit before that summer in band camp, who knows.
My life might have taken a different turn.
Uh uh uh.
I've got first dibs on Owen.
Besides I don't think You're his type.
Behave, listen, I'm not a piece of meat.
So what's my Nosey neighbor Barbara doing here today?
Being Nosey.
I think You're trying to steal my stylist.
Don't worry, BABS. I don't think There's a thing he can do
to you that your plastic surgeon hasn't done already.
There, I said it.
Stop flirting.
If your boyfriend, hans, sees you touch me he'll have
our nuts in a sling.
Well, if this party isn't Uber fabulous, I'll have your nuts,
and they won't be in a sling.
No, no, no.
That sucked.
Here, let's shoot that again.
Um, give me the line again.
Uh...
Our nuts-
he'll have our nuts-
screw it. We'll fix it in post.
Meow!
I heard that.
I brought you muffins.
What does iwzsutytc.
I want to screw you until your toes curl.
Oh God!
Cameron, that's disgusting.
I need a wet nap.
Babe, I need the keys to your house.
- So get this. - Uh huh.
Last night I thought Ben was gonna propose...
Instead the jerk asked me for a three-way.
No.
So I burned him and made up some bs about wanting two guys.
Cameron.
Cameron! This is important to me.
Honey, I'm listening.
Ok, ok.
All guys want it.
The only difference is some have the guts to ask.
Vince asked?
No guts.
I am his Madonna. The virgin married.
Who's on her way to hook up with some guy for the weekend.
Why aren't you hooking up in some hotel in the city?
Because I told you Hugh is taking me to Henry fields'
LA Dolce vita ball.
The house is under construction.
I haven't been down there for weeks.
Owen is temperamental.
It's totally a mess.
Every room from South Hampton to MONTAUK is sold out.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you.
I'm sorry. I have to run.
I owe you big time. Big kiss.
I'm not happy about this.
Oh shit. Cameron.
Cameron, your dress!
Next stop, Hamptons.
Cameron, your dress!
Uh, Ms. Cooney can I get your autograph, please?
Of course, dear.
When is your next book coming out?
It's called "the magical princess"
and it's coming out shortly.
Hi.
- R-u. - Hey.
Hey there.
Oh, weird.
Princess-like.
We are auditioning for the Cooney magical princess
book cover. Please, thank you.
Getting a little ahead of ourselves?
Hold on.
- Oh shit. - Oh shit.
Oh shit!
What'd you say oh shit for'?
I know what oh shit means. What's it mean?
Need to reschedule Friday lunch to Monday drinks.
Off to fields' summer ball.
Emma Cooney, ta.
Oh shit!
I was at his party last year and it was ab fab.
Oh my God.
You need to get out of here right now.
Sorry, c'mon.
Really.
When will I hear about the cover?
Vince, says not only do I look like a princess,
but I have that magical quality too.
Wow, we don't have that much time for magic, but disappear.
Get out of here.
Now. Seriously.
Hey ladies, audition's over. Go home.
Dude, this is like speilberg's boy, ok?
He probably invited Cooney so he can scoop the deal.
Ya think?
Yeah, I think so. What are we gonna do?
Give me the keys to the Hamptons house.
Huh, why?
I'm gonna get down there and close Cooney before fields can.
How are you gonna stroll in uninvited to the
party of the summer?
I'm gonna have to crash it.
Oh my God.
Want me to tell Cameron You're going so she knows it's legit?
No, no don't. She thinks I'm golfing all weekend.
I don't want to confuse things. Very important.
Which is it?
Excuse me. Hey. Guys.
Got it.
Vince, Vince!
Yes.
Stay focused.
- Yeah. - You hear me?
None of your philandering bull.
Vince, we need this man.
I know! Cooney not the poony.
I got it.
Really?
Oh no. Gabi.
Gabi, pick up.
Hi, it's Gabriella. Missing you.
Gabi, call me as soon as you get this, ok?
My partner, Vince, is on his way to the house right now.
So you've got to get to a hotel and get there quick.
Ok? I'll pay for it.
Vamanos chica. Vamanos de casa.
Mucho rapido, ok?
If I had popped the question, we'd probably be on our
second kid by now.
Oh really?
I'm invited to the Dolce vita ball.
You made the guest list?
Yeah.
One sec.
Sorry, my best friend Cameron's going to that.
I hear it's the party of the yeah.
Come with me.
He could stick it to me anytime.
I Would love to, but I-I Can't.
Baby, I'm home.
Hey, honey.
Babe'?
What the hell?
- Hey. - Hey.
Where were ya'?
I was running errands. Why'?
I've been calling you.
Why are you so dressed up'?
I'm not.
Better question, what is with this $17,000 dress?
We didn't close the deal yet.
Relax.
It's not even mine. I'm just returning it for a friend, Ben.
So, what did you wanna ask me about?
The Hampton house...
I thought maybe I should take a loan out on it.
A loan'?
To offer Emma Cooney a huge advance on her book.
Why?
Jeffrey fields is gonna try to steal our deal.
Well, unfortunately I maxed out the equity to
pay for the remodel-
Jesus Christ!
What did that rip off decorator charge you?
Never mind.
You know what, let's just hope that Vince talks
her into it, right?
He's on his way up there.
What?
Ben, you should've- you should've asked me.
Look, I'll find the money-
no, about Vince. You shouldn't just let him stay
at the house without asking me.
Why's that?
'Cuz it's a mess.
Vince Would live in a leper colony to close a deal.
Is there something else going on?
Ben, don't be silly.
It's just, I Would appreciate it if you consulted me
on things that were mine.
See, last night I thought it was our nest egg.
You went ahead and spent it without talking to me.
Hey Vince.
Via text, what is iwzsutytc mean?
I want to screw you until your toes curl.
Oh my God.
Lucky you.
Who's sexting you?
Oh Vince, I think she's cheatin' man.
Calm down.
Oh shit.
Oh Cameron, you idiot.
Oh no you didn't.
She's wearing night time make up and it's morning.
Taxi, taxi!
C'mon. Why don't you stop for me?
Off to the Hamptons?
Can you take me to the Hamptons?
Ham pto n s?
Hamptons. How much to the Hamptons?
No way.
Not the threesome I had in mind.
Baby, I've gotta go.
I'm pulling up to fields' mansion now.
Alright I'll meet you at my cottage.
Better hurry.
She is the frickin' hottest thing that you have ever seen.
Duncan, I'm telling you.
I'm bagging a real cougar tonight.
She's like 28 or 29 years old.
She's a real cougar.
No way. No way.
You'll see her at the party.
Booyah!
Hey, baby.
Mmm ahh.
Upstairs.
No, no, no.
We're gonna go right here.
I'm taking you on the couch.
Oh!
Wow.
Not gonna need these anymore.
Oh my God, you have the prettiest feet I have ever seen.
And I have seen a lot of feet.
It's like two basketballs hiding under your skirt.
You always this aggressive?
Shh, don't interrupt the maestro.
It's time for some butt bongo, baby.
I wanna worship your ass.
Oh!
Ow!
Oh, have you seen Owen?
Yes, he left on an errand.
Saying something about the foie gras having
a little too much pistachio.
Mm.
Ahh.
Your guest.
Duade, get the door for Ms. Cooney.
Emma, my darling.
Montrachet is chilled.
The berries are freshly picked.
You settle in and you get ready for a fabulous fete.
After a wet winter freezing my bum off in Sussex,
I'm more than ready.
Take Ms. Cooney'S things to the lake house.
I have to go get ready for the soiree.
My son is coming home from ANDOVER.
Ahh.
I planned a little surprise for him.
Now, you just make yourself at home.
I am so thrilled you are here.
I'm thrilled to be here.
Thank you so much.
Crashing this joint is a piece of cake.
Emma Cooney, here I come.
Hi it's Gabriella, missing you.
Gabi, if you get this, get out of the house!
Owen, stay with me.
Let your staff do the work.
Are you kidding?
This is the most important event of my career.
Please.
I'll do the thing with my big toe.
Ohh.
You remind me of my aunt.
Only how-fer.
Oof.
Your body is banging.
Oh my God.
You are too cool for words, and way too hot for clothes.
I told you that I have a surprise for you.
Oh my God!
Oh!
Nice surprise.
Kate, what are you doing here?
One second. Pit stop.
But don't worry ladies, my engine is rewed up
and I am ready to go.
Booyah!
How old is he?
Old enough.
Well, he's gotta go. Vince is here to meet Cooney.
The deal's in trouble. He will be here any minute.
What'?!
Why didn't you call me'?
Do you hear me now?
Shit!
Oh!
Oh my God! Put it out.
Oh my God, your hands.
I'm trying.
What are you doing?
I'm putting the fire out.
I'm naked.
I'm hitting it, and then her girlfriend walks in.
No way!
Not one, but two hot and horny cougars.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Can you come over here please?
Yeah, hi, hi.
Who are you with?
With? I'm with the- with the guys.
The guys?
Yeah. Just doing the thing.
The thing'?
Oh, well that's a good. Because I thought you might
just be a sneaky sneak sneaking in.
No.
Why Would I need to sneak in? I'm already here.
Doing what?
Landscaping?
Well, yeah, yeah.
Skimming the pool.
Yeah I was-
yeah, yeah, ok. Mulching.
Decorating.
Breaking and entering.
Ok, ok, you don't understand.
Is that because you think that I make $12/hour with
no benefits and I'm an idiot?
Or maybe it's because you think I'm black.
No!
Guess what. I'm Dominican.
Really?
Let's go.
Wait, I'm here to see Emma Cooney.
Who?
Emma Cooney.
You're here to see me?
Yes.
Hi, glad to see ya.
Vin-Ben, Ben Roberts.
Family quality publishing.
You're going to meet my partner Vince on Monday, yes.
Yes, of course.
Of course.
I got a little place down on the beach.
310 Hampton road.
Come by for a sunset cocktail.
I'd love to, but I've only just arrived.
I look forward to meeting Vince on Monday, and
if You're here tonight, do say hello.
- Ta. - Ta.
Tada. See.
She said if vite not invite. Go.
You better get the guys to this party.
They are in for the shock of their lives.
Done. I am there.
Hey Hugh, right now, banging cougars.
You hear that'? He's banging cougars right now.
Booyah!
What are we gonna tell Hugh?
What's that noise?
What noi... did you hear that?
When are you going to stop this gay masquerade?
A straight fortune
now, can you let me make the bed?
You know, it's a shame nobody sees you for
the man you really are.
Everyone wants to believe she's got the magic
to turn a gay man straight.
Owen, is that you?
Merde, it's shit.
I want down.
It's disgusting.
It's like not even down. It's like chicken feathers.
Owen!
Kate?
What are you doing here?
I told you I Would call you Monday.
The house is not ready for you to see yet?
- Who's this? - Who are you?
Who are they? What's going on?
Who's asking'? No more questions.
I am Owen manners.
I am Kate's personal life stylist.
Kate, shoo shoo, your hair is a disaster.
Look at these flyaways. My God, you need some bed head serum.
Nice to meet you. How are you?
This is Gabriella.
She is... Benny's house guest.
Benny?
Mmhmm.
So this is what Benny had in mind?
A threesome with this chiquita.
Heh.
Ooh. The global warming in this room is affecting my chi.
Ciao.
I'm gonna call Benny right now and were gonna sort this out.
Fine, it's his house.
It's my house.
Ooh.
He told me I could stay here to write my book.
You're a writer?
Yes, like John Grisham
right. I'm sure she thinks that the TSAR is a dinosaur.
- Hello. - Hi Ben.
Kate, hey baby. Hi.
Do you have a woman staying in my house?
And before you lie, I'd like to remind you
that I'm here right now.
And she's right in front of me.
I know you'll never actually believe this by looking
at her, but she's Avery talented writer.
She has a great idea for a book.
And because the business is running on fumes, in Lou
of an advance, I thought she could stay at the
house for free while she writes.
And at the same time, house sit, as to protect your investment.
As far as the part not telling you, quite honestly, I forgot.
You know, keys and glasses, you forget.
A Brazilian bombshell staying in the master bedroom
of your girlfriend's house, you don't forget!
Don't you think that if I knew that you were going there,
that I Would call her and tell her to leave?
This is not over.
I love me my Kate. I love Kate.
Hey, is Vince th ere yet?
We are definitely gonna talk about this.
There's nothing going on.
I actually think it's her that's cheating on me and
she puts me on the defense'?
Weird.
First I get that crazy sex text.
And There's that brand new dress that shes never worn.
And then my sex maniac partner goes to the Hamptons to
figure out our business at the same time she's there,
and I Can't get a hold of him.
Did you say something, young man?
He is a three time loser.
His business is going under, his girl is "two timing him",
and on top of it all, his partner is shtooping her.
That's certainly one interpretation.
Oh God.
So here's where you've been hiding.
What smells like burnt cat hair?
You gotta go.
My husband will murder you.
Your husband?
You're married?
I knew it.
Writer my ass.
That lier!
Where are my pants?
They were right here.
Cameron!
We've gotta find Hugh some clothes.
See this.
Where are my clothes?
All burned up.
How?
There's no time for explanations.
That bastard is cheating on me.
I need pants, ladies.
My husband is on his way.
No, no.
Your husband Can't come.
I'm naked.
Oh my God!
Oh shit. He looks mean.
Fuck.
Your husband is here.
What?
Vince is at the door.
Oh good, lit him in.
I'll ask him how long Ben has been banging the bimbo.
Come on.
Ow!
No, this way.
This way!
This is great.
Where did baby hughy go?
Ok, Would you stop it?
He just looks young.
Ooh, oh.
You're here.
Hi.
Didn't hear you come in.
You are beautiful.
God damn.
You find the place ok'?
Who the hell are you?
I'm VINNY.
Are you not Jamie, my naughty Craigslist hottie?
I'm calling the police.
Woah, woah, relax.
If anybody's calling the police it's me, ok?
Ben didn't tell me anybody was staying here.
He didn't me the circus was coming to town either.
Sounds hinky.
I'm Ben's partner.
And that sounds hinky to me.
If you were Ben's partner, you should know I'm here.
The bastard's cheating on me.
That bastards cheating on you.
I'm going to recircumsize him.
This is exactly why Vince and I have an open relationship.
Then why are we hiding in the boat house?
Maybe he's having an affair too.
No, Vince Would never- rule number 4, remember,
always an away game.
But, You're here.
Oh, I didn't think of that.
Never mind about you. I am getting even tonight.
To think, you know, I could've hooked up with Matt
at the party, but I said no.
You Would not even cheat on a math test.
I can just see you dining on wiener and balls.
No. No, I'm doing it.
Even if it's Owen.
Owen's gay.
Not tonight he's not.
Oh!
Kate?
Gabi?
Vince?
- Hi Ben. - Oh!
- Don't do that? - Do what?
Is she here?
Oh yeah.
No, no she's not. But why you holding out on me, man?
Is Kate here?
No.
You can stop acting all freaked out now, ok?
She's gone.
Did you talk to Emma Cooney yet?
Of course. Relax, she couldn't have been more pleasant.
That's great. When are we meeting?
Tonight at the party.
She invited you?
Not exactly.
But she gave you an invitation?
Not exactly.
But You're on the list?
Not exactly.
Stop it. How are we getting in to the party?
I don't know about you. I'm crashin'.
VINCY WINCY!
Ooh!
I'm Vince.
Oh my God, yes!
And you brought a friend.
This is my best friend MEGGIE.
Hello.
Since we'd never seen each other, I didn't know if
you were gonna be like a creep or one of those
catch a predator freaks or whatever.
I'm no creep.
Yeah, he doesn't look like a creep.
Come on, this is Ben.
Oh, Vince told me.
You're the poor guy with the women problems.
Po rr little fella.
Your casa is tight.
We are gonna have mad fun.
Excuse me, what are you doing inviting
the Jersey shore in here?
Kate already thinks that I'm cheating with Gabi.
Aren't you'?
No, of course not.
Why not?
The fact that You're hiding Gabi from Kate means that
subconsciously you want something to happen.
Hold on, just because you have a screwed up
relationship, doesn't mean-
let me stop you right there.
L- love my wife.
I Would die for her.
Do not judge what you don't understand.
Yo VINNY, when we going to the beach?
Very soon.
I just don't get how You're fine with your wife
banging every swinger in the tri state area?
You think cam has fooled around?
Cam is a shopper.
The way to get her off is to yell "sale."
Honestly Vince, is the Emma Cooney thing bull so you
can just have your little...
"Vince gone wild" weekend?
Vin, where can we put our stuff?
Upstairs, but first...
Who wants Martinis?
Only they won't be teeny.
He's so witty.
Get them the hell out of here right now.
I Can't.
Why not?
They are our ticket into the party.
Martinis are nice, but MOJITOS are nicer.
No, no, shoo.
Bad, bad, bad.
Did baby HUGHEY go home to mommy?
Ugh, stop it with the baby jokes.
He told me he was 24.
That's gross.
When did you get a dog?
He's the neighbors.
Why me'?!
You see that, huh?
Would you look at that? Is that beautiful? Huh?
What?
Nothing.
The beach.
Nude sun bathing.
Oh my gosh, you are bad.
No, You're bad.
You're bad. You're bad.
Ladies, you're both bad.
He is so tomorrows obituary.
Hey Eric.
God damn it.
You girls have lovely tans.
You know we got 'em diving in, um, turks and Caicos.
Oh.
I love to dive for conch.
Me too.
I don't get it.
What about your open relationship?
It just slammed shut.
Cameron, I don't understand.
I thought that you agreed to this.
I did. But...
Jeez, only because I didn't want to lose him.
Shoo, shoo.
Go.
Benjamin, thank you, thank you.
This is three. You need one.
Make a fourth. Please.
Before Vince and I got married, I knew he was
wild and unpredictable.
Part of why I love him, right?
I guess I kinda thought if I let him be with other women,
afterwards, he'd realize that I'm the only one he wants.
Ooh!
Reba.
You've never done it.
You Can't do it.
You're a monogamist.
How 'bout some music, Benny? We need music.
Music, can you put the music on, Ben?
There you go. Music.
I really need to dance.
Sometimes I feel like I just need to dance.
Come on.
Oh, I've got some moves to show you.
I've got moves to show both of you.
Come on, ladies, let's get you upstairs.
Come on.
Let's go.
Hell no.
Your room, ladie-oh!
There's only one bed.
Oh, that's ok.
We can sleep together.
Why didn't I think of that?
Go away, gay dog.
Stop. My body, my choice.
Keys, keys, where'd she put the keys?
Can't even get a boner if the cat's in the room...
Look, I don't mean to get all uptight and judgy-
no, no it's all good.
It's just... I'm not you man.
I Can't sign up for the Vince's idiot guide to a marriage.
I didn't mean that.
That came out wrong.
I'm just saying if Kate cheated on me,
I'd consider killing myself.
No!
Any pricks doing your old lady, they'd be dead meat, alright?
You're my boy, Ben.
I Would go goodfellas on 'em.
Medieval torture stuff?
No, no that's Pulp Fiction. Get your movies straight.
I'm trying to be sincere. You're fucking it up.
Not only do I got your back.
I'd take the boat out, I'd cut the weasel up.
I'm so fucked.
Sopranos style.
Woo!
Well ladies, we wanna be early.
I'm gonna stay here.
Wait for Kate.
You do that. Good luck.
Bye bye, Benny.
We'll see you later, right?
Hey don't worry.
I'm gonna have Cooney signed by the time I get back.
Who doesn't have a door knob'?
How are you supposed to get out of the closet when.
You're trapped in the closet?
Your chariot awaits.
Oh my God. This is gonna be so great.
Aww, how sweet.
He likes you.
Ooh, somebody needs a doggie mint.
Yes, you do.
I'm gonna die over cougars.
You must think I'm pretty stupid, huh?
No. No.
I think You're a woman in love.
Let's just go home.
No, We're going to the Dolce vita ball, ok?
Come on.
Let's go.
You'll have fun.
Come on.
Oh crap.
Cameron?
Hugh was our ticket into the party.
How are we gonna get in'?
The old fashioned way, baby.
Damn.
This is the new you.
Let's fricking do it.
We've got three hours 'til this party starts.
So let's whore up, baby.
Chicka wow wow.
Boom chicka wow wow.
I died a virgin.
Those Jersey girls, I mean who likes fake tits?
Ahgk, nobody.
I have nothing to wear.
I'm not even wearing my good panties.
Why wear any?
Oh, let's steal some of the Brazilian bimbo's clothes.
No, no, no. I Would never.
Alright look, I'll wear something of hers,
and you can wear my new dress.
No, no.
How do you not work and afford such expensive clothes?
I Can't.
You know Vince may have his 10 rules. But I've got one.
The wife shopping code of conduct.
Bang him into debt.
Credit cards, mortgage, hell maternity...
Whatever it takes.
True confessions of a shopaholic.
'Til death do you part.
Holla!
You know what, let's get this party started.
I'm going to get us some jaeger shots.
Ok, I'm gonna take a bath.
I didn't even get to see them makeout.
Bad idea.
Ahh!
Here's the shortcut- I feel like I'm on survivor.
This is so thrilling.
It's an honest to God adventure.
A little further. It should be right here.
We still have so much to do, and your dragging me out.
The party starts in two hours.
Well There's no way I'm taking a shower with that
perv in there. I'll be quick.
Duade?
Yes sir.
I have help Ms. Chobain pick out an outfit.
She needs a man's touch.
Mm.
Don't we all?
Be careful with that, please, and move that fucking tree.
Aren't you a little old to be playing hide and seek?
Haha.
Very funny.
What did you do'? Bite the head off something?
I'm ok. I'm ok.
Oh shit.
Sto p it.
Hugh, you are not wearing this dress. It's for Kate.
I'm tired of being naked.
Please, I'm begging you.
I told you this was a good short cut.
Ladies, you go work your magic.
Tell them that VINCY WINCY is on his way.
Hurry up. Let's go, let's go.
Chop chop. Let's git it.
Thank you, thank you. Thanks so much-
woah, where are you going?
Hi. Just uh with the ladies.
They put me on the list.
I don't think so.
Yeah, just now.
They did tell me they expect a VINCY WINCY though.
But not a little snakey snake named Vin.
If I see you again, I'm calling the cops.
You got that?
Oh, ok.
White people get locked up too.
Oh.
Please hurry.
If fields finds out I left, he's gonna kill me.
For once, can you think of someone other
than you paycheck?
- Hey. - Hey.
Look who I found.
Feathers, nice.
I think pants Would be better.
How the hell did I become naked man trying to escape?
Oh, I've begun questioning many things myself.
Cheers.
Thanks.
Crazy bitches.
Here.
Don't you dare leave with out me.
Just hurry up. Please.
I will.
Ladies.
I'm outta here.
No, no, no, no, no.
You promised to take us to that party and that's
exactly what You're gonna do.
And you know what? I think Vince has some clothes.
Why don't you go in there and find some of his?
I'll help you.
Oh I need my drink.
Hey, you know what, I'm gonna grab a shower, ok?
Ok.
Oh shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
Hey Matty, it's me kitty Kate.
Gabi, I'm dying!
Who the hell are you, and why are you drinking my beer?
Hi, you must be the perv.
Cameron?
I'm in the shower.
Mind if I come in?
So, change of plans.
I'm in the Hamptons.
And I Would love to see you.
Please hurry, if I don't get to the party,
fields is going to castrate me.
You going to the party?
Honey, iam the party.
Oh man, buddy, buddy.
You got-fa get me in. I Would do anything.
Hmm.
Almost anything.
No.
Gabi, baby s'll vous plait.
I'm dying!
Owen'?
Ben?
What are you doing up there?
Looking for cell phone service.
Help me dude!
Gabi!
It's time to go.
Gabi, I'm getting old waiting for you.
Make love to me.
What?
Mm, mm.
Owen'?
Oh come on, baby.
Those are couture.
Talk to me naughty.
Mm, mm.
Owen'?
Was that you?
Oh look at this fancy socks.
Oh yeah, baby.
Oh come to mommy.
Call me mommy, call me mommy.
Oh yeah,
Mommy.
Ow, ow.
You're hurting me.
Ow, ow.
You like it?
You like it rough? You like it rough?
I don't like it rough.
Ow, ow.
Come here baby.
Hey, here you go.
Where are you going?
Kate?
Where are you going?
Owen, where are you'?
I Can't do this.
What's the matter'?
- Ahh! - Oh shit.
Owen'?
Excuse me.
No!
You're like a man possessed.
- Benny? - Gabi?
What are you doing here?
What do you mean?
I'm so sorry for you.
Owen'?
Ah no!
Ben, it's not what it looks like.
Owen, I'm ready.
Wait!
Before you lie, I'd like to remind you that I'm here
and Mr. naked fruity pants is right in front of me.
Ben, Ben. Ben, wait!
Ben, wait. Talk to me.
About what, Kate?
Your slutty BlackBerry messages, or your poochie goochie
smoochie dress that's not yours?
You re homosexual-
no I'm sorry, bisexual fling? Which one?
I'm disappointed in you.
Ben, hey buddy.
Wait up.
Slow down.
Get out, get out of my house! Git out! What are you doing?
I'm trying.
Where are you going?
To fields, alright'? I'll close Cooney myself.
How are you gonna get in?
A little novelty called the truth, ok?
Will you please put a shirt on?
I fucking hate you. Git out!
Have you seen Owen'?
You phony French phony.
Your life stylist is upstairs having an identity crisis
with my best friend's fiance.
Ok, ok.
Nah, I don't believe this.
This doesn't make sense.
I swear to God I'm going to kick his poufy ass.
You better be sure.
Ahh!
Ahh! Ahh!
Get your boy jewels off me.
Ugh, they touched me.
Who the hell is that?
You travel with your own boy toy?
We weren't boinking.
We were hiding.
Between his cheeks?
I'm not into boys.
Not that young anyways.
Gabi, I wasn't with him. You know that.
Yeah, right.
Because you were in there with that skinny bitch.
Yeah, so?
So what are you doing with her when you are with me?
Ahh!
It's just business.
It's business.
Ow ow ow!
Why is everyone hitting me?
You're really hurting me.
Ow! Ow!
That really hurts.
That was a bitch slapping.
Get out of my house.
What?
You heard me, out.
What's your problem?
If it wasn't for you and your moronic open relationship',
then I wouldn't have come down here to save your
sorry ass and stumbled upon that slut and those condoms.
Which forced me to have an affair with a gay man.
Yeah. So now I'm the one who's being blamed for having
an affair when it's really Ben who's been cheating.
So Ben breaks up with me as if it's my fault.
But it's all your fault.
Woah, it is not my fault your boyfriend is banging
some Rio biombo.
Get out of my house.
I never want to see you again.
Where are you going? I need-
I'm out of here. I'm leaving. That's where I'm going.
Please, you have to tell Ben that nothing happened.
Please, please.
Are you crazy. I quit.
Expect my bill in the mail.
Fine, quit, but please talk to Ben and tell
him that nothing happened. Please.
Where the hell is my car'?
Gabi! Damn it!
My whole life is falling apart and all anyone cares
about is that stupid girl.
Ok, ok, I'm sorry.
Pardon me.
I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Oh, you're-
Emma Cooney.
Oh my God. I'm sorry.
It's such a pleasure to meet you.
Ben will be so pleased that You're here.
There he is. Ben!
Emma?
Hi.
Ben?
Come in. Come in.
Welcome.
So glad you could come.
Isn't it nice, yes?
I assume that you've already mit my lovely wife, right here.
Your wife'?
Now... but you two and-'?
Oh, don't be silly.
No, he's teasing.
No, I'm Cameron.
I'm Vince's wife.
You're Vince?
You look nothing like how I imagined you from your emails.
Oh but who looks like their emails?
It's true.
True.
Nobody, so...
Nobody.
Well, I hate to be a bother. I just thought I'd uh...
Take Ben up on his kind offer of a pre-gala libation.
Yes.
Do you like MOJITOS'?
I don't know.
Well, let's discover now.
Please, please.
I don't want to be Vince.
Tough, you owe Ben this much.
I don't owe him anything.
Well you know what, I owe you so if you ever want to collect.
You've got 15 seconds.
Alright, I know you've probably already heard a ton of crazy
stories today, but I'm gonna go a little different direction.
A little honesty.
Look, I'm not on the guest list, ok?
I don't even like parties.
I don't want to be here.
I just need to talk to Emma Cooney.
You know Emma Cooney'?
Yeah.
Ben Roberts.
I know Ben Roberts.
What?
You're not him.
You're just another sneaky sneak trying to get into this party.
I'm not a sneaky sneak.
Da-da-yes you are.
But guess what, I got something for ya.
Fellas.
Get 'em!
I love FROGGIE the detective.
It was so moving.
So, is your wife here, Ben?
I'd love to meet her.
Wife'? No.
We're not, uh, married.
They're not even engaged.
Kate's upstairs.
Oh, oh, look. There's Kate right now.
You are here.
Kate, meet Emma Cooney, the author.
Nice to meet you, Kate.
Lovely home you have here.
Please.
Thank you.
I don't know, I thought it felt a bit goshe...
Ostentatious, nouveau rich e.
Oh no, I think it'll be lovely when it's finished.
Oh, do you think so'? I don't know.
Katie.
Vince.
Drink up, Kate.
You've gotta be kidding me.
So, Emma-
Ben?
Ben.
Look who it is.
It's...
Owen.
Yes, Owen.
Our interior designer.
Uh, he prefers life stylist.
Whatever.
It doesn't matter.
Owen manners.
What are you doing here?
Aren't you the wunderkind in charge of tonight's bash?
Not for long.
What the hell is going on?
What are you guys doing?
Who the fuck-oh!
Oh my God.
No way.
Excuse us.
Owen keeps insisting we go to the party.
That's awesome.
Kate, what is she doing here?
Pay attention.
Owen is Vince. Vince is you.
I'm Cameron. Cameron's me.
Go with it.
What'? Why?
Because it's the only truth that will make this lie work.
But wait, if Owen is Vince, and Vince is me,
does that mean that I'm...?
Yep.
Look, do you want this magical princess book, or not?
Go.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, Emma Cooney, I'm such a big fan of yours.
It's so nice to meet you.
Give me your hand.
I'm Owen.
Ah!
I'm so sorry.
It went down the wrong hole.
Let me get that for you. Wait.
There you go. You look beautiful.
We're really big fans. Really big fans.
Right Kate?
Ahh!
Yes.
Big, big fans.
I'll get it.
I should answer that. It's probably for me.
Hello?
Who?
Hugh?
What?
How Would I know if Hugh is banging cougars or not?
That doesn't make any sense.
Wrong number.
Perhaps I should be going.
Absolutely not.
You should not be going.
You know what, I think I will join you.
I'm just gonna go upstairs and freshen up.
Please sit.
Come on.
No, just chips?
So Emma, how's your new e-book, any pop ups in it?
Ah, idiot.
I'm so sorry.
Ben you publish electronic kid books, not porn.
But we have spam blockers for the pop ups.
The children will be safe.
Hey, where are you going?
To make up for lost time.
Hey, hey, why'd you come down here and spy on me anyway?
You know the rules.
Baby, I came down here to have a little fun myself.
Do you ever even think about that?
Is that what the phone call was?
And the naked kid in the bedroom?
Oh, I'm gonna make shark bait out of your jail bait.
Owen was telling the truth.
You came down here to rob the cradle, Mrs. Robinson.
CAMI, come on.
Go away!
You have a dog?
Neighbors.
I'm sorry.
Stop.
Fucking dog.
Shut up.
I have a Labradoodle.
Ohh.
I named her SHNOODLE.
Shhh.
Quiet.
Ow!
Motherfahh!
Christ sakes!
I beg your pardon?
The neighbor's dog's... Name is chrisakes.
Mmhmm.
Very religious.
All we hear all day long is "here chrisakes, good chrisakes,
come here chrisakes!"
Nice name... chrisakes.
No, no.
No, nooo.
No, stop!
Woah!
Oh my God! For Christ sakes!
Where?
Mmm.
I just love my wife.
Karen.
Oh, that's lovely.
No.
Ah!
No means no.
Ahh!
Darling. Little tiny darling.
Can we talk outside for a second?
If you insist.
I love you.
Muah.
Oww.
She's a pistol.
Woo, she's a pistol.
Oh yep, that's-she doesn't like children.
I do.
Just because you've been servicing the queen,
doesn't mean you have you advertise it.
I am not having an affair with Owen.
Oh my God, even your lies have lies.
Yeah, well at least my lies are honest.
So why are you pretending to be me.
There was a prick security guard. He wouldn't-
I didn't want Cooney to think that I-that we were staulk-
I was winging it.
What an idiot.
Well look who's preaching from the pulpit, little
miss shopping code of conduct.
There's a code? What code?
Shut up, Mr. three-way.
No, have you no shame?
For Christ sakes.
He's not in here, dear.
Stop it. You morons.
After tonight we can all just flip each other off
and go our merry ways.
But, sitting out there is the only way to save your
hanging-by-a-thread business, so I suggest we all just
suck it up, put on your best phony faces,
and lay the bullshit on thick.
Fine.
Emma, whats the book about'?
I'll git it. I got it.
Hey! It's the cutey babooty.
What are you doing here?
I just love your dog.
What is his name?
Chrisakes.
Sorry.
Just asking.
Why ain't you guys at the party? It's already started.
- Oh my gosh. - Come on.
Yeah, You're missing a lot of good stuff.
You should probably just head back.
Good idea.
Yeah, I forgot my weed.
Did she just say weed?
Hmm?
No.
Wii, like the video game thing.
They love games.
Ladies, do you think you can come back later?
Because then you can party or do whatever it is you do-
oh my God!
No, no.
Please, ladies.
I'm begging you, not now.
Ok'?
Ladies, not now.
Oh.
Ah.
What the fuck?
Dun dun dun, the naked man.
That's room service.
Ahh!
Who the fuck are you?
Someones angry?
You crazy naked man, get out of here.
Get out of here now.
He's gonna kill me.
I swear.
I didn't know that she was married.
It sounds like an active game.
Haha, yeah.
I'm gonna go check on the game real quick.
VINCY!
What is this, burning man'?
He must've escaped from a hospital.
Help me throw this guy off the balcony right now.
Grab him.
It's you.
Ahh!
Just see for myself.
Oh my God!
Help!
They're doing things to me.
- Oh my God. - Oh my God.
Damn it.
Oh my!
Oh.
Ms. Cooney.
Here, take this pill.
I am appalled, and you should all be ashamed of yourselves.
Coming ladies?
Yes.
Get in, get in, get in.
Oh no.
You're not getting in.
Let me just squeeze in.
Shit!
Damnit.
New plan.
Stick a fork in it.
It's done.
2004.
Greatest come back in sports history.
Red Sox down three nothing, three outs from world series
elimination, facing Mariano Rivera,
baseballs greatest closer.
Did they quit?
Hell no.
As if things aren't bad enough,
now You're plugging the Red Sox?
That's not the point.
It's done.
I just lost everything, Vince.
Fine, you stay here quitter.
I'm gonna go do what I do.
Oh do what you do? Let me tell you what you do.
You sell bullshit.
You are a bullshit salesman.
You swore to me that e-publishing was the future.
Paperless books.
There's green in going green.
Where's the green, Vince?
At least I'm not afraid to try.
You put your whole life on hold.
You're just waiting for something to happen and it is
passing you by, my friend.
That's no bullshit.
We're ready.
VINNY. Let's go, go, go.
Ready to go to this party. Ladies?
Where's Owen'?
He left to select the Brazilian girl's ensemble.
Said she needed a man's touch.
Who doesn't?
Where's Cooney?
She left.
Mother fucker.
Isn't anyone gonna be at my fucking party?
This is your fault.
Once they're in, they don't get out.
Understood?
Yes sir.
Unless I throw them out.
Hey, hey, woah woah!
Stop.
Hey guys.
You want to ride with us?
Yes.
Uh, uh, uh. We negotiate.
I Can't get you in Duade knows what you look like.
I've got that covered.
I just need you and a little help from my friends here.
Come with us.
Whatever, fine.
Here's to being single, seeing double, and sleeping triple.
I'm Duncan.
And you are?
Ha.
How old are you?
I'm old enough.
Man the things that people do to get in the party. Go.
Don't let him play hard to get.
Hey, Matt. It's me Kate.
I'm here at the party, surprise.
Where are you?
Call me.
I'm here. Bye.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Vince is not the only one who can crash a party.
Woo!
Welcome to the Dolce vita ball!
The night belongs to you.
Please enjoy it irresponsibly.
Hey, fucking idiot.
You're gonna get killed out here.
Sorry, my bad.
Ahh!
Wow, Vince.
If this is the new you, I do not want to see you
going through my closet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh and um we need to talk about those 10 rules.
What about 'em?
There are too many.
Attention.
Come on you free loaders.
I will close this open bar.
That got your attention.
I am a man of few words.
Most of those have four letters.
Actually I've moved up to seven.
Fuck you.
Oh you know, it's not every day that a fella gets
to see his boy become a man.
Don't worry, it's not a surprise bar Mitzvah.
But tonight is my pride and joy's 18th birthday.
So belly up to the bar and join me in a toast.
To-
Move your asses, people!
Ahh!
Ah!
What the hell'? You alright?
Get off me, git off me.
This is one hell of a coming out party.
Look at you.
He's got a fucking dress on.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
That's my boy.
Let the fireworks begin.
Mambo!
You know you've made me very proud, son.
If you needed someone to talk to, you should've come to me.
That lipstick shade is all wrong on you.
Chrisakes!
Oh my God.
It's Benny wenny.
Skinny dipping!
Mambo!
Muah! Woo!
To make perfect, you need-
I need your help.
I'll talk to you in a second.
Get away from me.
Listen, you've gotta distract fields so I can talk to Emma.
Has your thong cut the circulation to your brain?
We negotiated, I got you in.
I'm done. Get away.
I don't know why you have taken such an immediate dislike to me.
Save time.
If you don't distract fields, even if it means taking
one for the team, I'm gonna out you for the
phony faux homo that you are.
Oh no.
Bartender, we need something special for this beautiful lady.
What do you like?
Cosmo?
Kir Royale'?
Mercedes?
A yacht?
How about my watch?
Eduardo, roll me another ROBUSTO.
Claro que si, senor Jeff.
Owen, oh ho ho.
Magnificent job.
I'm so glad You're thrilled.
Thrilled? I pooped myself.
He's so silly.
If you like what I've done here,
just think what I'd do with your St Barts new years Eve bash
if the position is still open?
Oh, the position is open.
One of many positions I have in mind for you.
Oh Mr. fields, thank you so much!
You won't be disappointed.
I promise.
Oh.
Mm.
Oh that's a strong grip.
Strong.
Owen'?
It's true. You are in love with jeffry fields.
Are you'?
He told me but I didn't believe him.
To think I was a week away from the operation, bitch.
I can explain.
No, You're letting your true feelings bubble to the surface.
No-
no, no.
Demure doesn't become you.
Let's take a walk.
Nosh break fellas.
'Scuse us.
Date with destiny.
Would you like a six inch stoagie?
Or can you handle my ten inch tortilla?
Cigar, senorita'?
Don't tempt me.
I haven't been honest with you. I shouldn't-
you will thank me for this in seven minutes.
Mmm.
So, you pretended to be your partner-
yeah.
Who pretended to be Owen, who pretends to be gay.
Yeah.
You lost your wife.
Ben lost his fiance.
All because you wanted to publish my book?
Yeah. We are really big fans.
I'm sorry, Vince, but I signed with fields.
Just before I arrived.
I only dropped by to tell you in person because
I thought it was the courteous thing to do.
Yeah!
Woo!
Fields, he has multi million dollar deals in place for me.
I mean We're talking happy meals-
you left your old publisher because you were
against all that commercialism.
Stop being so bloody naive.
I don't mind being exploited if I'm making money.
And why should I be freezing my ass off in Sussex when
I could tan it in MARBELLA?
Keep doing it for the love.
Are you gay?
No.
Pretending to be gay'?
No.
Bisexual?
Never had to bi it yet.
Vince! Vince did you close Cooney yet?
Please say yes, say yes.
Bitch sold out faster than the iPad.
She wants theme park rides and soft drinks.
Probably hacking an infomercial right now.
No, no Vince, that's not ok.
I know.
Oh no, oh shit.
We have a breach.
I gotta go.
What?
Holy.
Ah!
Oh my God.
Oh that's not good.
I didn't do that.
Ok, cool.
No, no.
Ooh, look at you.
Thank you.
Now if I could just-ohh.
Oh God.
You smell like apricots.
Just relax into it.
And vice versa.
My God.
Oh.
That's my security ring.
Hello?
Are you busy?
Kinda busy.
We have a security breach.
Kate.
Shh. Security is looking for me, Kate.
Get out of the bush.
Be quiet.
Why are you in the Hamptons?
I'm serious, tell me the truth right now.
Because, like, an idiot I thought I could save
Cameron from herself.
What?
Ben, look at me.
I'm not cheating on you, but...
But what Kate'?
Who's xl condoms are in the bedroom?
You of all people know that I don't wear xl condoms.
Right.
So what the hell is going on'?
We are way too sober to figure this out.
Can we go git a drink?
You take care of it'?
No sir, Mr. fields.
If I am copulating, I do not wish to be disturbed.
I apologize sir.
Ok.
Fuck.
Two MOJITOS, please.
Cool party, huh?
Yeah, it's getting better.
It's about to get much better.
Kitty Kate, how great.
Kitty Kate?
Wait, I'm sorry, you two guys know each other?
She was my high school prom date.
We were just laughing about it this morning.
You had breakfast with her'?
You've already hooked up with the Brazilian bimbo?
I'm not a bimbo, chiquita, I'm a professional.
Oh There's no doubt You're a pro-
bitch!
Get off me! What the hell?
Woah, woah, woah.
Stop!
Let go of my hair!
Woah woah.
C'mon!
I knew you were fucked up beyond belief.
Gabi?
Who the hell is this guy?
I'm Matt.
Who are y-are you Ben?
The pole vaulter?
I can explain everything.
Do you still have feelings for him, Kate?
No, Ben, you asked me for a three-way.
And you want one with him?
No, but I Would like someone to listen.
Well why didn't you just talk to me, Kate?
I'm gonna give you guys a minute.
Great idea.
I do know one thing.
If a girl buys an expensive dress and doesn't
wear it for her man...
That is the most expensive mistake of her life.
Hugh, before you chose which life's path you want to follow,
tonight I'm going to give you something to remember.
And based on life's experience, trust me, it'll have a
profound life altering effect.
Wait, You're not married are you?
Before we were so-
you know, my lady, iam not who you think I am.
I think You're masquerading as "twinkle toes life stylist"
Owen manners when in reality You're the Hamptons'
LETHARIO seducing all the desperate housewives
while their husbands don't have a clue.
I am who you think I am.
Mm.
Am I who you think I am?
Wow.
- Hey. - Hey.
I know you.
Yeah, You're that pole vaulter.
You're Kate's friend, aren't you?
Yes, iam.
Yeah, well, want a shot.
Yeah.
Ah.
It's good.
Where is yours?
Hey.
Oh, thank you very much. Bottom's up, mister.
Ahh.
There you are. VINCY WINCY, where have you been?
Hi, ladies.
We've missed you.
Wanna see a surprise?
Follow us. Let's go this way.
That's ok.
It happens to you old guys like all the time.
But we won't tell anyone. Don't worry.
No, we can take care of each other.
You can watch.
It'll be like pay perview, only free.
Oh right there.
I have been so stupid.
No, I've been stupid.
I've not been making very good decisions lately.
God, can you believe that I came out here to hook up with Hugh?
Didn't know whether I should hump him or burp him.
And worst of all...
I have hurt the person that I care most about.
Vince'll understand.
I'm talking about you.
Well, I nearly made the same mistake with Matt.
I mean at least you had fun with him. Right?
Oh my God.
Kate, I did not sleep with Matt.
He's your ex.
There is a girl code.
You know, it is small, but it does exist.
We just stayed up talking all night.
You're right, he's a very good listener.
He's good.
Yeah.
Vince ran off with the doink sisters.
Ben left with Gabi.
Uh, I've been rethinking our arrangement.
Yeah, you um...
You want a divorce?
No.
I mean our rules.
You mean your rules.
The thought of you with another man makes me crazy.
Yeah, I didn't really like it myself.
I love you.
I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose you.
Look, I've been carrying this for awhile.
I should've done this a long time ago.
Guys, I'm just gonna go get my things and go to Manhattan.
Cameron, I don't want to see Ben.
Will you come with me?
Oh of course.
Ok.
Yes, yes, Gabi.
God, You're so good.
Oh yes'?
I am so happy.
This is brilliant?
Absolutely brilliant. I'm serious.
What's it about?
Sex in the Hamptons.
Sleeping around.
Yeah, it's all everybody thinks about all day long.
It's my life story.
Was.
Who needs Emma Cooney?
We've got our very own bestseller right here.
Aw yea, everybody's gonna read this.
Read what?
Gabi's book.
She is a writer.
Yes.
Like John Grisham.
Yeah.
Ahh that's nice.
Owen'?
Oh for Christ sake.
Ahh.
Oooh.
I hope you've had your shots.
Mmm.
I'm thinking a chateau overlooking the
mediterranean at San Tropez.
Mmm.
I hereby declare my Dolce vita ball officially FINITO.