A COMEDY SPECIAL FROM NETFLIX
Okay, thanks.
Thank you very much. How are you?
Thank you very much.
It's a good thing to be here.
Good to be here. Thanks.
I appreciate it. Let's wait and see if I'm funny.
It's good to be here in Nashville.
Look at me. I bought a cowboy shirt. Does not?
So I fit in with you, has entered the farms.
You are living out there in the beds. Is that what you do?
I say: "I'm working on an app, okay?"
"To a website."
Pis. It's a sick time.
It's strange to make a special just before a presidential election,
especially this.
That's exactly what will happen.
How the hell did we end up with the two? My Goodness.
It's like the first week in American Idol.
"Really? Is that what I get?"
"Take his coat!"
What the hell is she doing? Does not?
It's incredible. We either get a racist fool or devil.
That's the choice.
"I only pardon her! I am committing her!"
Okay.
Is that what you do?
Skid crazy. "I'm building a wall." I'm building a wall. "
People think he will do it. Really? Will you do it?
Building a wall from California California to Texas? Will you do it?
Have you driven this trip?
I have that. I took Highway 10 from Los Angeles.
It takes two days, with 128 km / h.
Mur, wall, wall.
You are sitting there like John Goodman in Arizona Junior.
Runs off.
How many trips to Home Depot require it to build it?
Do you really think that will happen?
Look at the Freedom Tower, that we actually wanted.
It took almost 15 years to build it.
Half of the population do not want the dirty thing.
When it's done, the US is so fucked up, we'll climb it over.
"Makes a lot of sugar!"
"They have real sugar in their coke!"
"I've heard that over there is a taste of Orange Crush like in 1978."
Do you remember the two-year period, where it tasted good?
Yes. So there is him and there is Hillary.
Hillary is successful. She's just hugely successful.
Everyone thinks... She's dressing as a real estate agent.
Not? There is nothing to worry about.
She is successful. She will give them the war,
She wants to microchip the babies, phase out cash.
She will not do it, but steer it in that direction.
Privatize water. Water is not a human right.
She wants...
Review the whole bath in a psychopathic way as you do
You put it all in in a small box, all of a kind of evil,
while sitting there and smiling, and totally agree what happens.
Talking to Joe Sixpack. He takes a pants at a time.
It's so crazy...
It's unreal. I do not know.
These are the two worst choices ever.
If Trump was not so skideracistic...
If he was not so racist. I can handle his kisses.
It's not in my world.
I am selfish, like all other voters.
If he was not so racist, he would scare me less because he is obviously a fool.
He is so stupid, he can not get away with anything.
Do you know what he reminds me of? When you see In the name of the law,
and they hold one within the first quarter,
and they try to make you think: "We got him!"
You look at the clock. "It is impossible that he did."
"There are 45 minutes left."
"It can not be him. Who is the guilty person?"
It's there, Ski Hillary is coming.
She goes to Bilderberg meetings,
where they dress like pheasants and knock each other.
Covers a Employee from Best Buy.
Reverting his name badge to a trophy.
Who to vote for? I have no idea.
So I've pulled myself.
I can not handle this piss. I just want to pause.
I do not want this choice, so I have drawn
And see the stupid shit, I've been able to.
They all have these empty stories.
"You love him. He is your best friend.
But have you considered what your dog is doing when you're not home?"
"The next video may surprise you."
I'm just... "Fill it up! Fill my brain with that stupid shit! I do not care, what's going on."
"Nationwide Heroinepidemia? Fuck It!"
"It's national tacodag. We have Tony's visit from Tony's Taco.
Tony, what's that ich characterizes a good taco?"
"It's about to begin with the tortilla."
You see them make pancakes and such a piss.
They talk to women about body problems. They always do that.
The stupidest thing is, when they talk about Hollywood.
"Hollywood, they create these impossible body images. Bla-bla-bla."
The whole thing. Plus-size actress.
They are cool. Does not? It's a big thing.
They are tired of being treated as obese. I do not know what it is.
They are on the front of the leaves and show, how fat they are.
With a little bit of clothing, and everyone encourages them.
"Oh, God. It's so brave!
It's so brave! "
I do not say it does not require nosses, but it's a little exaggerated
to use the word" brave, "not?
What should I do if I see a fireman ran out of a building
with a baby and an old woman?
I would say: "Oh, God!
You are reminded of a fat actress,
It takes off the fire because she has to be in a magazine
to promote his new movie. "
I know you should not laugh with fete. I understand it well.
But I do not understand why.
Why? They are not a race or a religion.
It's easy to cure.
Eat an apple and go for a walk.
Why are you screaming by everyone else?
Why are you scolding me? You got the cakes in your stomach!
It was not me!
Why is that my problem?
You entered your way, you can get your way out.
Okay? And slowly start to lose a few pounds.
Bring some slick salad in there instead for a whole packet of chocolate bowl.
Then the kilo smokes and you will be on my side of the fence.
Come join it with me.
Shame! Shame!
Not?
One should not shame. One should not fat-shame or luder-shame.
The shamer shame.
You must not feel any shame.
It's a legitimate human feeling, that one should not feel.
You just have to go around as another dictator.
Have you never felt ashamed?
So bad one evening that the next morning when you woke up
Could not you see yourself in the mirror? You looked up while brushing your teeth.
"Your shit shit. Wow! Wow!
Even for you, it's bad.
The light turned off, the curtains pulled for till at. 14 before I can look at you
You're gonna lose a pussy!
You must not feel ashamed.
It's the new world.
You walk around and lick dick, eat cakes,
and nobody has to say anything? None must have an opinion?
It will soon run off the track.
It's probably bad to do it, but you can only feel so much sympathy.
There are limits to how much you can feel something for.
Amazing people, but some of the things I saw, I will never forget.
I appeared in India and saw a little child ski between two parked cars,
Go away without pants or parents, and disappear in the crowd,
like Hannibal Lecter at the end of the Eyes of Eyes.
It's one of the most sad things I've ever seen.
Then I will return to my country.
"The study says I'll lose seven kilograms to get a role in a movie."
Start running your fat pig!
Is this your life's biggest problem?
Do you know what the problem is with these thick bags? Do you know what the problem is?
They have no respect for, what to sacrifice
and how much effort it takes to get in ublattform, like...
Have you tried to get a sixpack?
Have you tried?
It's impossible to power them!
If you're over 19, it's impossible without lots of help.
You have to buy training bands, read about nutrition,
Get a personal trainer that makes you run around.
You need your own chef.
"Okay, do not eat it yet. Okay, eat it now. Start eating it.
Okay, stop. Slow down. Stop. Spice it out! Spray it!"
"I asked you to quit!
Up on the crosstrainer with you! Tasted the sprouts well?
Did you like it? Now you pay for it!"
It's a depressing experience.
You walk around, while your body is eating itself.
"Do you want some cake?" "No, I'm taking some salad."
"Balsamic decoration next to. No croutons."
"Oh, god! When is the photo shoot? I just want to die!"
It's terrible.
Have you tried to get fat?
No.
You do not need it. It does not require an effort.
You can just lie on your back and see his favorite program
while shaking a shit in the head.
"What are you doing?" "I'm getting mad."
"Do you have a coach?" "Not necessary. Naturally."
"I only eat things that get my blood sugar to say:" Yes! "
" Yes! "
" It comes by itself, a nice dell. "
But do not tell me, that's my problem,
and that I have to do myself.
No. You are overweight, okay?
There are many things that can help you.
Everyone has some problem. I have a crazy temper.
I'm going to relate to that. I shall.
You can not stop to eat chops.
You must relate to. I do not need to change myself.
There are only six more,
who are sure that they are not being treated as a tier.
You have to realize what you are. You are a sexist. I'm sorry, okay?
No one shreds it to a sex. That's just how it is.
Unless you are coworkers.
If you are coworkers, she has that dress,
just doing something for you.
The office is cramped so you know how her shampoo smells.
There is an intimacy there. Not true?
I do not know what women masturbate to, but it's not me.
Okay? It's a fantasy.
And therefore I do not badly offend them.
It comes from... I'm a strong femmer.
I still go after women higher up on the scale.
I'm a bald redhead man.
Do not you think there is a glass ceiling in relation to the roles I can get in Hollywood?
Really? Do you really think I get the lead in a romantic comedy?
It will not happen, even if I chose the actors.
I will make money on it.
It is show business.
The movie costs a million. We would rather serve something on it.
Do you want to meet with curves on your cheeks?
Be in shape and look as tricky as possible and know your replies.
Ready to work. It's a pro, not?
Ben Stiller had a sixpack in Meet The Parents!
There was no reason for that.
He just knew: "I'm gonna take my skirt t-shirt.
No one's gonna make fun of me."
He was muscular.
Become a skinny postman.
I do not know what to say.
They are just incoherent thoughts
from one, that plays the last nine holes of life.
I do not understand half of the piss that takes place.
One of the things that made me feel old
Was when McDonald's started to sell salads.
It broke my heart out. "What do they do?"
Now they have wraps and everything possible.
Do you know what it was? People who were out of shape complained.
"You do not have any healthy choices." It's McDonald's!
It's married! Who the hell comes here to get in shape?
When I go to McDonald's, I have a plan.
At my age, 48 years old, I know what I want to order.
I'm going in there. It will taste amazing.
Twenty minutes later I will kill myself.
Then I say: "I'm going to the fitness center tomorrow."
No matter how much I say, I have woken my inner demon.
I woke up the demon, and all the fat swims through my veins.
No matter how much I want to go to the fitness center, say a voice:
"Go there and eat an Egg McMuffin."
I set up as the manchurian candidate.
"Okay, we're going to McDonald's." My in-shape vote omme says:
"No! What are we doing ?! Go to the fitness center!"
I just want to...
I want to go straight there.
I know what it is.
But people out of shape, now think it's their fault.
They should have healthy things, because it is their fault, we are fat.
Why should they do it?
Why should Ben & Jerry's not come in the icecream? Why?
"Because they are a couple of hippies, man. They make ice cream."
They are after big, bad McDonald's.
Who the hell goes on McDonald's to get in shape?
Do not worry, that it is expensive to eat healthy.
It is not. Go to the supermarket. They throw vegetables in your neck.
"Here's some celery. Get it out of here!
70 cents! 25 cents for a banana!
You just get! Get it from here... until it gets bad!"
It's sick. They have convinced them about...
"McDonald's is the reason I'm not in shape."
"I would have taken a salad,
but I could not get that
so I thought: " Okay, I'll take 52 Big Macs. "
" Thank you, McDonald's! "
You are an adult. It's not their job to babysit you. They are a business.
If you order 50 burgers, they give you them.
It's your job not to do it, your big fool. Does not?
I know well. Pardon.
I know well.
Yes.
McDonald's... McDonald's exists for two reasons.
For the sake of full and children.
That's how it is.
You are in the car, the children will not shut up,
so you drive past McDriven.
I buy a pair of poison burgers and force them into the throat of them.
Their little bodies can not handle it. They begin...
They die over.
You are bigger. You can do more poison.
You put Def Leppard on and enjoy the moment.
Yes.
That's what McDonald's is for. Your children and fulder.
How many times have you driven to a bar and said, "I only take one."
Suddenly have you been drinking 11, not? You are stiff and think...
But you are responsible. You are full, but responsible.
"I drove my car here tonight."
"I'm driving that fandeme home too." Okay?
I do not want to charge this company by jamming a p-place
on this completely empty parking space in the next six hours.
I do not recommend driving a drive, but there's nothing better...
When all your friends and family know you're stabbing
There is nothing better than the walk to the car. It's incredible.
People scream and flee in your clothes. It's as if you're in the Beatles.
"Oh, God! No! Stop him!"
You say: "No autographs. Sorry. I'll go.
Then you get into the car and everyone screams.
"Get into the skid car!
Do not worry! I've had the car for eight years.
I can almost see my house. Just get into the skid car."
"You get the police to come!" "Get into the skid car.
I swear by God, Just step into the skid car."
"Take off the seat belt, your skidding string.
I'm just going down the street."
What happens then?
You drive away and realize that is even more rigid than you thought.
Who has always been there for you? McDrive. That's open 24 hours a day.
You can just drive in and hide from the eyes of everyone.
The little pathetic traffic lake of signs and people going to Comic-Con.
You will be driving...
and stops. So you can take a little nap.
It's like... "Thanks! Thank you!"
You are driving to the window. That's what it's about.
But now it's suddenly their fault, that the United States is out of shape.
People have eaten McDonald's all my life. But they were not as fat as now.
It's not their fault. McDonald's fucked up.
They fucked up because they gave after people who are not in shape.
They said: "Fine! Our fault." We begin to sell salads. "
They started giving up.
Everyone felt it.
View them now.
It has been four to five years, and now they have to serve breakfast all day.
Not true?
Do you know what happened? All the rocks said:
"Hey, man, if he can get a salad...
What if I want a breakfast,
and it's not breakfast?
He gets what he wants, but not me? It is...
It's mad racism, man. I do not understand. "
" Nice! We start making breakfast. "
It's completely driven by them.
If I was at the head of the company I know what I would do.
I would bring the clown back.
Okay?
I would bring the clown back
and make it look straight into the camera, with a bit of dry ice in the background.
One zooms completely on his face.
= Han looks into the camera and says:
"Listen...
If you can not get your fat ass here...
before kl. 10:30...
So be prepared with a burger.
Okay? "
No. No.
Clown is not done!
" I do not make pancakes at three in the afternoon,
Because you sniffed coke all night,
and just getting normal again.
Remember, this is a burgerjoint. It has always been.
We introduced the breakfast stew as a service. To shake the IHOP.
Oh, we do it too! We'll do it too!
Your own mother would not make pancakes for you at. 15.
Get your fat ass, or your crooked ass, here before 10:30.
We decide. It is our place. We decide what the hell we're doing. "
Such.
With him, then he pushes a child on a swing.
Something sweet.
Then...
When this special will be sent, will presidential election have taken place.
It's just...
Know who we chose. They will not talk about anything.
The seas die. They say that Great Barrier Reef is dead.
There are genetically modified foods.
There are too many people that shit out.
Not?
Bruce must put a shit. Where should he go?
Which toilet should he use? I'm sad.
He's rich enough to have a rickshaw toilet running behind him.
How should we eliminate...
a few billion people?
Do you ever think about that piss?
They never talk to us about it. But they talk about it behind closed doors.
Some clumsy guys, are sitting around a huge table.
They are probably talking about it.
They sit down.
"I assume everyone has enjoyed themselves."
"Let's get on the assignment."
"There are more than 7.5 billion in the world. We run out of fresh water.
There is no chicken enough... to feed the rest."
"Does anyone have suggestions for...
how to eliminate the pressure the unwanted make up?
Yes, you.
Number four.
Look forward."
"You know what...
What if we shake them slowly at the airport? Not?
I just mention.
What if something looked like a swing door,
and got them to take off the shoes, and they came in and stood like that?
Then irradiate them from top to toe...
once on the way out and once on the way back. "
" oh yes! I like that idea. How would it work?
Should there be low radiation, so they become fried like a tuna steak?
They do not understand. We let the children drop. We can use those who slave later.
No old. They die soon. Only people of their best age.
Gradually screwing up, until they get sore around the mouth.
They can not recognize their children. The property comes back to us!
Oh.
I assume that everyone here is flying with private aircraft? "
My wife thinks I'm crazy, because I think so.
But I think I'm right.
I know they think about it.
I know they do because I do.
Every time I arrive to a city at 14,
and I drive down the street, and there is traffic jam,
then my inner Mussolini comes forward.
"What are all these people doing on my way ?!"
"They must be eliminated!"
How can not you consider it?
Because everyone would flip out,
If you began to take certain precautions...
to thin in the flock. Are you feeling?
Just right.
What do you think? Do you think...
That you are in the top row, in the luxury lodges? Yes?
You spend a lot of time alone.
You nod a lot.
"I like what I think. I really like it.
That's how it should be."
I understand how it is.
I live this isolated life. I'm going to tour you,
and I'm just... I'm always alone. You get crazy.
I had a gig in Ireland. I was in the actor.
I should turn on the light. It was a pull-out.
It was spinning around and looked like a little gallows.
I immediately thought: "What if I put my head in it...
and turn off the light?" Literally and figuratively.
I did not think about commit suicide.
Just when I thought: "What if I did?"
I saw myself in the mirror, caught my eyes and we both laughed.
I had this little amazing moment with myself.
There was no need to say anything.
I think of the population all the time, as you can hear.
I always talk about it in my specials. I have a plan because I know...
Wait until you hear my plan first, because there are many who will die.
Before you start to cry.
Everyone thinks they will survive.
This is how I would do it.
You start to become a dictator.
It's too late to say: "Hey, maybe we should be fine with a couple..."
It's too late.
Someone must have balls to to get sailed...
and cut off some heads. So here's my idea.
I become a dictator. But first you must murder all the powers.
From the top and all the way down to their goldfish.
To kill everyone in the family, they will not come back to get revenge,
as in Godfather II or all the karate movies you have seen.
You do the same like the Russians,
Where you can not find the skulls for 100 years.
How to do that. Then you get control of the media.
I do not tell the press anything.
I do not know what happens, unless I want you to know.
Great pictures of me. I have to sing songs about me.
Do not you feel, there will be a black van,
and you'll never hear from you again.
After 3-6 months with it is no longer in doubt,
And then I start thinning in people.
How to do this here. I begin to lower cruise ships.
Listen to me. That is the way forward. That is the way forward.
You can hit 2500-3000 at a time.
It's a good mix of people to get rid of. Not true?
Think of those kind of people who go on a cruise.
They are not foresighted.
They are not groundbreaking.
They are not essential for our survival.
Have you spoken with one, has been on a cruise?
It's one of the worst stories you want to hear. They do not make a ski.
They do not travel to another culture or experience a new culture,
Trying to get out of train or money.
They just want to sit on a ski boat.
And drink. That's all they want.
The worst story you want to hear.
"How was that?"
"Fantastic.
I was just there.
There was a DJ over there on the wooka-wooka thing.
Not too?
And they had this chocolate fountain.
Like a fountain, but with chocolate! "
"You put a toothpick in the food,
and then you put it in the chocolate,
and then you put it in your mouth."
"I want a drink!"
They bring a drink,
it drips down
and collects in the navel.
You beat yourself. "
"You get it in your mouth."
"Every day at lunchtime we queue for lunch.
What's for lunch? Who knows? We do not make the decisions.
What they give us.
I prefer all-inclusive - one should only think once.
Should I write that number on that piece of paper?
Okay, tell me where to go. "
If you can ignore the inhuman in what I suggest...
If you can ignore it
and maybe lose a couple of friends here and there...
I would not miss them.
Do you know when you would miss them?
When you're in baseball fight,
and there are not 100 at the top of the stand, trying to get into the wave.
Not true?
People would not be sure when someone sits down during a song.
"It strikes me, even if I do not know what the problem is!"
Not true?
Nashville, take a step back there.
One step back.
It is about police violence.
It has nothing with your and my beautiful white world.
Drop it. I'll tell you if you've seen each section of McHale's Navy.
It is still not about you. It's not a military thing.
You would not miss them. Here it is.
I do not want to order the reduction of these cruise ships
and drag me back to my chamber with my mistresses and whores.
And loosen in full uniform.
Whole dictator uniforms.
Everything except the pants?
Supported stockings with straps, just get loose.
My honorary medals cling to the chest.
The question is how long I could keep my hat on.
"Yes! Yes!"
No, you can not. It creates anger among the men.
One should lead them in battle, and I would.
I wanted my own submarine. I wanted my own submarine
and then I would hunt cruise ships on a summer evening in the moon's wings.
Yes, on a summer evening in the moon's cut where everything is easy to hear.
One of the summer evenings, where your neighbor is talking about you.
He does not think you can hear it. You are sitting on the porch. "Oh like that?"
"So that's how it is."
One of the evenings.
I would be fair and get up to the surface before I did.
I'm armed, they are not. It's only fair.
They see me, I give them a favor.
I would have class like the Red Baron. "Hurry with you."
If you did not see me, would be fair enough.
Every summer evening in the moon's cut I would go out to harvest.
I would come up to the surface.
"Listen to the music."
"Lighthouse."
"See my arms in this top."
Then sail over and protect all survivors.
"Come here!"
This would happen.
2500-3000 fewer people. And do you know what the best is?
It is under the water.
All the evidence disappears.
All mass murderers in history have quarreled.
They did it on land.
You get caught.
Where do you want to do that?
Do it on the ocean.
Everything is sinking, right?
No... "I do not know what happened.
I have no idea."
No evidence.
Maybe a flip flop, right?
And Ed Hardy T-shirt...
flowing past.
I control the press, so nobody knows anything.
As I lower the ships, I build accurate copies.
I eliminate people while creating jobs.
I have no idea what's going on.
I only realize: "Wow. There is less traffic.
I'm up in third gear at 17 o'clock. It's totally crazy!"
"I do not know what's happening, but him Bill guy is okay.
One of my friends got a job at an shipyard. Is not it just incredible?
It's great for it Industry.
It's totally wild.
I want a job there. The salary is fantastic.
Earn a little pocket money. Maybe we can cruise.
We would have fun out there. "
This would work.
Here, my ethnic cleansing would work.
It would not be based on race or religion.
It would be based on that people are stupid enough to believe that a cruise is actually a journey.
Technically you travel but what do you see?
Only a lot... "See the water!
Oh god!
You know it's the Atlantic.
It's not like the Pacific."
Then...
I admit, that I am psychopathic.
And...
Oh, yes, I have dreams...
I had a dream two years ago, who still haunt me.
Have you had a dream where you thought you woke up, but did not?
You just get up.
I had such a dream.
So I got up in bed and looked up. There was a little girl in the corner.
I did not know who she was. She was 3-4 years old.
She spoke to me, but I did not understand what she said.
She stood in the corner and said...
I said, "what?"
"What did you say?
I can not hear you, honey. Come a little closer."
She went halfway to bed. She nodded.
Store The Grudge - Eyes. I'm just...
"You must come a little closer." She goes to bed.
"I could not hear you. What did you say?"
She nods and says:
"You will commit suicide."
I got up and...
"No, I do not want!"
My wife wakes up. "What's wrong?" "I had the worst nightmare of my life!
It was terrible!" "Did I join?"
"No, your self-centered fool!
You dearest!
Not all is about you, honey.
I love you, but not everything is about you.
Hold your jaw. "
I tried to fall asleep in the same position,
so I would bump into the little girl again.
" Listen, your little shit, you say I do not kill myself.
I do not know what the dream meant, because you dream of metaphors.
I do not know.
I'm completely spinning oblique.
It makes my wife uneasy.
But there is a good thing by being psychopathic.
The good thing about being a psychopath is to recognize other psychopaths on long distance. It's a really good thing.
I can recognize them. You can see it on your eyes.
Never look at the clothes.
Nice people watching the clothes.
They see someone in jeans, who rock their children,
nerd-sweater thing.
"Dav! How are you doing?
Is it not unbelievable that the summer is already over? Skinny, not?
The little one makes me to crash around.
She controls the house! She controls the house. "
People say: "Oh god. He's so good.
A good family mate."
I just think the guy is psychopedic!
He is a psychopath!
See his eyes. Cant you see it?
The guy is losing sight!
He struggles through all that he thinks he should do.
Everything that the skinny guy needs, is a little push.
Just a little push.
I do not know what the guy is capable of.
I did not want to see the man's computer hard disk.
I'm doing it all the time.
I'm good at identifying psychopaths. Drives my wife to madness.
She was one of the first, became familiar with Kanye West.
The Great Kanye West. Everyone loves him, right?
Keep jerky. Why did I come to Nashville?
Buh! A black artist!
You are talking about it at Ryman Theater.
What the hell?
It's Grand Ole Opry, man! "
" It's not MTV Raps! "
I put you in a booth, because you're from the South,
like all the racists who live here.
It does not fit. They are everywhere.
There are only different degrees.
Not?
I'm racist when the day is over.
I'm a crazy guy,
Who does not care who you are in the morning.
You are eating your morning knife. "Hey how's it going?"
But when the sun begins to go down and fear begins to rise,
Then one begins to think the worst about people.
Nobody wants to be honest.
I do not care who you are.
At 24, midnight, alone in a parking lot,
Waking up on you, not happy thoughts.
You do not think: "Oh, that guy, he's probably building a website..."
You do not think so.
That guy wants to mate me and eat me.
What he does not eat, he hugs. That's what you do not think?
If you do it in the evening, is normal because it's fear.
There are people at breakfast, who says:
"Shoot Jews!"
That's where you have a problem.
Then...
So... I have to do it.
When talking about race and being a white guy, you have to go carefully.
It's easy for to feel like a meeting.
I hear: "Yes! Okay!"
Then I say: "I have to get up. People do not see what I'm saying.
I have a farm shirt.
Things are running off the track." Do I have to return to Kanye West?
Half of you have probably downloaded his piss. Okay, listen here...
My wife flipped because... At first she loved him.
I thought he was cool.
One day I saw him give an interview about how amazing he is
and he had this expression in the eyes, which made me nervous.
I thought: "This guy is...
There is something about this guy that makes me nervous. "
" He's on the verge of to lose control, right? "
She says:" You are crazy. " I thought: "I think the guy is sick in the head."
I became convinced one day I came in.
She listened to an interview.
I did not know that it was him . He talked how good he was.
I came in, and I just heard this piss.
I got chills
and started thinking: "No! No! No! "
I turned around and saw.
Before it came to me that it was Kanye,
I thought: "Thank goodness. It's just a black guy."
"Thank goodness!"
"It's just a black guy."
Yes, it's nice that you pull you.
It's awkward, because it can evolve to everything.
There may be a clan direction.
Let me just clarify.
Listen to me. I think: "Thank you, it's a black guy."
"Thank goodness is his ego..."
When it floated down from the sky, or from the cosmos,
or what Joel Osteen piss, you believe in... Okay?
When it floated down, it could be landed on anyone.
Thank goodness, it landed on a black guy.
Thank goodness, it was wrapped in it, caught in it.
There is probably there.
There is no need to worry, when it is there.
If the ego had fallen down and landed on a white guy with blue eyes,
then it is impossible to say what damage it might have caused.
Whole civilizations could have been eradicated...
worldwide hunger, the moon collides with the earth
But thank goodness, it landed the ego in a black guy.
Because he's as crazy as some of the craziest white guys ever,
He just does not have the opportunity to bring his madness to execution.
Not true? The evil has an invisible ceiling.
Have you never noticed?
Go home and turn on History Channel.
You out of the ten ravening crazy guys who have lived,
is white. Why? Are white guys lower than everyone else?
This is an option.
We have the numbers to back it up.
But I think that's different. Nobody is watching white guys.
When many white guys meet, there is no one who says:
"Okay, move on! Continue! Wake up with you!"
To be stopped for no reason, it just does not happen.
You are a white guy. Free choice on all shelves.
Think what you want: "I will do that."
There is no one who stops you. You just start running.
Soon you split buttons you have your own uniform.
Then you start a skid war, right?
All that Kanye West is allowed to is to spoil a prize
Make a public message a bit embarrassing to Mike Myers.
Longer he does not come.
I know you do not believe me.
Okay next time Kanye's mouthpiece runs runaway,
You just have to close your eyes, forget it's him,
and listen to the words that come out of his mouth.
He says piss like: "I'm a genius." "I'm a God. I'm Shakespeare."
"What I'm most sorry is that I will never see myself performing live."
It's a quote.
"What I'm most sorry is that I will never see myself performing live."
Give a white guy the ego, then it's...
"Und ze blitzkrieg und ze supermann!"
Vienna returns to Deutschland first!
I say that to you. But we're okay. It's in a black guy.
There will not be anything. Have you not noticed that piss?
Crazy black guys can at most scare people in the subway.
They can stand on the street corner with their books and friends
and scream about white people.
"These people have tails! Motherfuckers have tails! Evil!"
You just cross the street. That is all.
In a perfect world, Hitler never got past the metro level.
Longer he had not arrived.
One wanted to sit on the train. "What are you doing tonight?"
"Play a little fantasy football."
The door opens, and he comes walking.
"And they must have blue eyes, bright hair and pubic hair like the sun!"
You are just sitting there. "Ignore him. Let him pass. Let him pass."
He would continue to the next carriage.
A World War I passed through.
But he was a white guy.
No one noticed him, his hair flew around,
and everyone did not care.
That's the weird thing...
I have realized with Kanye West.
Not true?
Occasionally, racism works.
99.9% of the time is the cruelest thing we can do
but once upon a time is lucky with us,
and then the marble ball rolls down into the right hole,
and we'll get away with it.
We slept cheaply with that guy.
I have to praise you. I took the Hitler reference nicely.
I did fine.
Nothing makes a room as quiet, as when throwing the hydrogen bomb.
If you mention Adolf Hitler, will still be quiet.
The lighthouse died 75 years ago, allegedly.
Some think he lived in South America...
"Why are they so brown?"
for the rest of your life.
Even if he survived, is he so dead now, right?
Do we agree?
But even today, despite that he died 75 years ago,
He is our point of reference for evil. Have you noticed?
To say somebody is evil, says, "He is the next Hitler."
"Donald Trump is the next Hitler." Saddam Hussein is the next Hitler. "
It's always: "He's the next Hitler."
I do not know what the hell they said before Hitler?
"The next Genghis Khan." "He is the next Napoleon."
Ivan the Terrible. I do not know what they said.
Whatever they said, wiped him out.
He was so sick in the head that what they did did not exist anymore.
It's like when Michael Jordan started in the NBA.
He was so good...
that he wiped out all.
No one says, "He is the next Dr. J." "The next wish." Nobody says it.
It's always: "He's the next Mike." Not true?
Adolf Hitler is the evil Michael Jordan.
It is he.
Nike should have made a rubber boot to him... a giant boots.
It was quite stiff about the knee, so that you could go that way.
If there was a hall of fame for evil,
Did you have to record Hitler in it.
He is the first choice for evil Hall of Fame.
Okay? Undeniable statistics.
He has his career figures.
6-9 million home runs, then you come in. You come in.
It is a sports analogue. I'm not advocating what he did.
Can we be grown up here? Okay?
Do I get on a splitscreen tomorrow morning with a blogger?
I Good Morning, Nashville.
"Comedy: Can you go too far?
Tonight at the Ryman Theater...
It was okay to make fun with snow, that lowered cruise ships.
But suddenly it took a horrible, horrible turn.
Fortunately, the local blogger, Maggie Maggenhall was present.
Maggie, can you describe what you were exposed to...
During the horrible tirade last night? "
" Everyone who knows me knows I has a great sense of humor.
I think it's fun.
I think it's funny, but last night was not fun. "
This is always.
They should always mention,
that they have a wonderful humorous sense.
It's a sports analogy.
Okay?
6-9 million. He hit it! All parties supported him.
He wanted his own wing.
Okay? But I can not withstand Hitler.
He killed 6-9 million.
Stalin murdered 20-25 million during the same period.
But he can not be arrested
As the most crazy guy, has ever lived.
It's always: "He's the next Hitler." How many people are killed? to be noticed, before people get on the hat?
"What about him?" "He is the next Hitler."
What about: "He's a little Stalin-like"?
"I see a little Jo-Jo in him."
He almost tripled his speech.
But is being mentioned as if he were a kind of reserve! Does not his murder count?
Can anyone... why does his murder not count? I do not understand it.
Is it because he looks like a normal guy, his neighbor? Tractor is running.
"I killed a million Ukrainians." He walks around in the garden.
Is that the reason?
Hitler was just... he looked right.
He looks like a stereotype character.
One does not find anyone who looks more evil. Go home tonight
and search for images of Hitler. Come on the same surveillance list as me.
There is no sweet picture of him from all his life.
He is 100% evil. There is no boy band-year, like...
Search for a picture of Adolf as baby.
You see it and think: "Print the dirty thing! Print it!
Down to the river and under a rock.
If you do not, I do. I swear that it looks on me.
I kick it right in the baby chest without feeling any fault.
Hitler is so bad that he makes me want to learn to speak German. Not true?
= I want to know What he said to people. In all the speakers.
He was obviously bindegal. That must be what he said.
What the hell did he say?
He certainly did not say what he was going to do.
An unknown candidate, right from the start...
"Okay, our next speaker here on stage...
would like to rule Deutschland in the foreseeable future."
"His name is... Oh, no. I forgot my glasses.
Is it Ally? Ally?" "Oh, Adolf. Adolf, okay.
Oh, okay." "He is wearing braces and braces.
Welcome to Adolf Hitler. You have three minutes, mate."
"I want to kill millions!
I know how to look: One centimeter between the eyeballs!
I have uniforms for the rest!"
You can not put out with to speak such to an audience.
They flip out. You can not put out so hard.
You can do it in the woods with a few friends.
People are flipping out. "Relax. There are girls here. Seriously."
"I have a chance to get a bang. Can not you just be my wingman?
For once, you can not just...
Be a little less energetic. People will shoot your theories, okay. "
" Relax. You have shit around your mouth.
Get a mustache or leave. You look ridiculous.
I'm sorry, ladies. He will get a little oversized. "
I just think he would satisfy the audience.
He told the Germans what they would hear.
" We have the best cars and the best women. Oktoberfest is wildly fed! "
He shoots free T-shirts.
Skid armband.
It has always been on me. Not always but recently.
If the guy killed 6-9 million, we do not want one like him.
What about the guy? 20-25 million?
Not?
There are probably a few dumped story students who say:
"Bill, if we look at the rest of the world, what about him Mao in China?"
"He killed 50-60 million.
What about him? Why do not you mention him?"
Simple enough. I do not count the murder.
I do not count them.
There are a billion people in China.
If you drive wrong on a scooter, you kill 80 without trying.
50-60 million, it's like speech from the steroid era.
Seriously. What are you wearing? Do I really believe that speech?
It's like when the other baseman makes 50 homeruns.
You made 20 in high school. Seriously, 50 homeruns!
I do not understand why...
When I come to this part, I always feel
You do not like the sports analogy. Not true?
Let's talk about music. We are in Nashville.
We look at it musically. Okay?
Hitler is making an album.
He has a couple of summer hits, maybe a song for the closing party.
He catches the spirit of time.
He has his own dance, as "Gangnam Style,"
where he uses his hands a little more. A song where you use the upper body.
Later that summer Stalin releases his new album.
He sells 20-25 million albums.
20-25 million albums is Michael Jackson's Thriller.
One of the greatest artists and best albums ever.
6-9 million albums,
It's like Hootie & The Blowfishs Cracked Rear View.
If you are at home in your apartment or leave,
What the hell you are doing here...
and sitting there with your lantern...
and you sleep deeply...
next to your favorite harvest.
I sleep deeply...
When someone says, at. three in the morning:
"Walk to the bar! It's the next Michael Jackson!"
You would consider it. "Michael Jackson, I must see."
But if someone wakes you and says:
"You must see him! He is the next Hootie & The Blowfish",
Then you would knock him one with your lantern, or whatever you have.
Why does his skinny murder not count? Stalin killed his own friends.
Not even Hitler did it.
You are hunting with Stalin. Believe, you are friends.
He takes photos with you and piss. Everything is good, is not it?
A week later you have put your hair different,
And it made him paranoid, so he kills you. Just like that.
Not enough, He also deletes you from the photo.
Now Stalin gives a tree a hug or something like a piss.
He shot people out of photos...
60 years before the technology existed.
He changed the game!
I watch many YouTube videos.
The other evening was my wife fallen asleep.
Not me because I'm so bims, so I'm starting to see YouTube clips.
I see a clip with a woman in the zoo. This woman in zoo,
That certainly does not earn as much as the guy working in the zoo,
and it should stop.
Ladies, have you considered to open your own zoo?
Is there a reason that you wait until it has been built
and first show up when the hard work is done?
All the animals have been caught. "Hey, where's my office ?!"
Open your own ski zoo!
Catch your own cobra and see, how it goes.
It's not the point of history.
I'm just a fool sometimes. So, the lady in the zoo.
She has learned a gorilla sign language. Not only "hello" and "goodbye."
She has learned the sentences. It can talk about its feelings.
They conducted a conversation.
The Gorilla talks with her. "You're sorry."
"I'm a little sorry." They talked together.
My brain flipped completely. "Oh god. She talks with a gorilla."
"I love them. Who does not want to talk to one?"
I forgot that my wife was sleeping, and then it smelled of me:
"Ask how much it can lift."
"Ask how much it can lift!"
My wife wakes up. "What are you doing?" "Look! She talks with a gorilla!"
We were completely absorbed by the story.
Then she talks with the gorilla and one day she decides, she must have a kitten.
A little cat kitten.
I think: "Not a cat! It's a gorilla." It flags the head of it,
throws the body over and plays with the head. Sniffer to it.
Then it goes to it, puts his head next to the body
and wondering that it does not travel up. Because it's a dirty gorilla.
A wild animal. Wild animals do not have pets, well?
They are killing or being killed. That's the way it is.
They do not have parakeets on their shoulder and piss.
The opposite happened.
She gives it a kitten and it immediately understands, it's a baby,
and the parent instinct takes over. It was so gentle and filled with joy.
It was beautiful. They understood that the beloved kitten
and used it as a teaching tool.
Every evening they take the cat from until the next day.
Has the gorilla learned his sentences, may it play with the kitten.
As a motivational factor. The Gorilla vocabulary explodes.
But one evening, when the cat is going home, release it.
It is hit by a car and dies.
Yes, the cat you have never met died.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I knew it for 20 seconds.
I do not know if it died instantly, the car ran over its head.
Or maybe the car hit the hind legs and it tried to crawl away
but stuck to the road and miave...
and it could see its own breath.
Just before it lost consciousness, the rats came
and it screamed and had...
With little paws like socks, that tried to get up.
I do not know what happened. I seem more concerned about the killing... I thought I would come up with a few theories.
Killing worries you more than about Hitler. You reacted more to it.
That's not the point. The point is...
that the lady should go back to the zoo
and tell the gorilla, that the kitten is dead, not.
When she comes, the gorilla is completely up and running.
It's its favorite time of the day.
Its brain is engaged, when it sees its little friend.
It has a completely wild vocabulary.
The lady is coming. The gorilla is excited.
It looks at her: "Oh, piss! What then? Yes!"
I can not sign language, so you have to carry over with me.
I will do as good as I can. So it says, "What so? Yes!"
The animal passport just sits and is sorry,
and thinking how she should tell it
and the gorilla senses, that something is wrong. She is...
"Hi."
The Gorilla becomes discouraged. It looks at the lady.
"What..."
"What's wrong with you?"
"Is there something I need to know?"
The lady is sitting there, like...
"Well..."
"Then...
the killing...
hit a car...
and the dead power."
The Gorilla understood it right away.
It understood. Its lower lip diverged,
It got tears in the eyes, it made the sign for "crying".
Later that evening, one could hear the cry in the house.
They built a house for it. I do not know why. They live in trees.
Certainly because of blame over keeping it locked.
A three-story. It sounded like it was in the kitchen.
You could hear it...
in the house in the evening that said...
And there ended the video.
That ended the video.
Like you, I sat there too:
"What the hell?"
"Does it end with it?"
At that moment I felt my wife's head on his shoulder,
and she said: "It was so sad."
"It was beautiful, but it was sad."
I said, "Wake up with you." "Go away."
I closed the laptop, put it on the nightstand,
got me up and started going back and forth.
I felt this anger in me.
My wife flipped out.
"What's wrong? What's wrong with you?"
"What do you mean? The video is far out!"
What is the purpose of it? You learn a gorilla to talk and mess with it.
It gets a kitten, and then the killing dies.
The Gorilla cries, it's sad and that's all?
Are you leaving me? Should I go around with it in my head?
How can the video end like this? Tell me for the hell.
The Gorilla understood death.
If it does, it understands its own captivity.
But it never happened to the lady, when she messed with it,
Asking it about one thing: "Hey. Do you want to go from here?"
"Do you hate this?
Do you want to kill us?
to keep you caught here far away from your friends in the jungle?"
And it would say, "Yes! Get me out. I'm asking you!
It's too bad to be here!"
I could have brainstormed.
"Okay, I'll get you out of here."
The only bad thing would be the gorilla's crazy ideas.
When you brainstormed a getaway.
The Gorilla says: "We take some bananas.
We throw them and distract them, and then we climb out by using our arms."
You are sitting there saying: "Okay."
"I do not want to be a fool, but...
I have a better idea."
"No, no. Not to offend you, okay?"
"But I'm in Big & Tall."
"I buy a jacket, a hat and some too far-out shoes."
"Okay? What you need to do..."
"What you have to do... You must drop this piss. Okay, no more of this."
"It's not to offend you, okay?"
"You have to get together. Get up."
"Down with your arm. Get up. Here comes the hard part.
Left hand, right foot, right hand, left foot.
Are you with? Bam. Bam. "
" Okay?
If you can do that, are you out of here in ten days. "
" Cool? "
" It resolves. Appointment. Pis! Okay. "
" See you in ten days. "
The first day is the gorilla there and thinks:" Okay. "
" No. No, no, no. "
" Okay. "
" Yes! "
" Pis! "
It's the first day.
The first day, but the gorilla is working on the matter .
Day two, it will be...
Day three, day five, day seven, day nine, day ten.
"I do it! I'm doing it bad!"
She could have got gorilla out of jail.
One evening. "You're doing it bad." Put on the jacket and the hat. "Come on!"
Takes it out into the car, it's the only way.
Man drives him by car down to the harbor.
It's the only way back to the jungle. You can not go to the airport.
You can not go through security check at the airport.
When he takes off the shoes, and the thumbs stick out,
Then it's bad! It's over.
You are under the tire.
You stay under deck, until you are in international waters.
Then everything is good. It is the captain's law.
"Come on board!" Make it sit down.
Other ships sail by: "Is it a gorilla?"
"Yes. What are you, blood diamonds? Fuck you!"
"Shoot sex slaves, skate with you!"
"I make him come on board and flip the mask off!"
You hang out with the gorilla. You see it experiences freedom for the first time.
It finally sees the jungle on the horizon.
It gets excited, jumps off the boat and rolls around the sand.
"Mommy, we did it! Do not destroy the jacket. I'll deliver it back!
I love you. I'll miss you. Dirt before they see you."
It runs to the outskirts of the jungle and disappears.
"It did."
"I want to see his friends. He would be free. It will be good.
He will meet his friends, talk to them,
that he should do, not?"
"Then..."
"He wants to talk to his friends."
"He will... certainly teach them to speak."
"And then...
they will probably get some horses."
"Did I Start Aberne's Planet?
He wants to teach his friends to talk and get horses? I have to kill it!"
"Kill it. I've kissed me. I have to kill it.
Where the hell is my Glock ?! Where is it?
It was here! It was right here! Pis!"
A six-thrower. "Fuck it, I'll take it."
You run into the jungle, but the gorilla has disappeared.
You can not give up. Society will blame you. You must kill it.
So you wander around the jungle for months. After a 6-7 months
Have you got malaria and are just giving up.
Suddenly your friend is running down, just like that...
"Pis! What the hell are you doing here?"
Then drag your six-thrower forward.
"I'm sorry. But I have to do it."
The Gorilla says: "But...
I thought we were friends.
Why?"
"You know...
because Jesus wanted it."
There is a whole book that he created in his image, which is...
We are better than you.
You can not talk to other monkeys and overturn the Statue of Liberty.
Everyone will think I'm a asshole.
Listen, I'll do it quickly. "
Just when you're gonna shoot, will gorilla your glock.
" I want to...
I just want to know one thing.
How did you know?
You knew it before me. "
I do not have an end.
I do not have.
In a strange way do you know how I had it?
when I so the video.
Do you know what it was?
I've been saying that joke all over the United States, and the gorilla always dies,
Because Jesus would like it...
and that's it.
But the jok was a failure in all cities in the United States,
except Dallas in Texas. It was the only place they understood it.
I do not criticize Texas.
It was a failure in Houston, Austin, El Paso, San Antonio.
But a hit in Dallas. They were the only ones who understood it.
They said: "You did what you should."
"I also loved the gorilla, but two species can not coexist."
"If you have a pair of gorillas on a horse without a saddle,
And give it a gun, it's out with society as we know it. "
" You deserve a hypothetical medal to kill the gorilla, hypothetically. "
So... Okay. I ending with a quick little story.
They are talking about how to satisfy women,
but not enough how to make a man happy.
The good thing about men is that that we ı Do you want to make a man happy?
If you have a sweet guy, you just have to do it here.
Four times a year, one time per season...
You go out into the kitchen.
Without saying a ski you make a sandwich, open a beer,
Give him it, and without to say a word, you will go again.
That's all you have to do.
Every three months. It will make him happy. That is all.
I know it sounds chauvinistic.
Because I say: "Go to the kitchen. Make a sandwich for your husband."
I do not say that the woman's room is in the kitchen
barefoot and pregnant, while she rubs my bullets
I'm not saying that.
Okay?
I just say: "Women go out into the kitchen."
Go to the kitchen four times a year and make a sandwich.
A small child can do it. Just make it.
Take two pieces of sliced bread and two pieces of pre-murdered meat.
Bring some mustard on it.
Take a beer, give it to him, and do not slip and slip.
And I mean skating. Not that you should enter another room for ten minutes
and then head in.
"Did you like it? Was it good?
Good, for downstairs we shall...
Do not bother me! I've just made a sandwich for you! '
I mean skipping. Sit in the car and drive to hell.
Take the kids and go.
See The Lord of the Rings a couple of times
and leave your husband in shocked silence because of what you just did.
If you want to see your husband become emotional,
then make a sandwich for him, as he has not asked.
He will wipe the tears away with the bread.
He will be so shocked...
"Have you made it to me? I did not even ask for it. "
" Oh God! "
"I think she still loves me!"
Yes.
Quick History. Me and my wife bought a house in 2011.
With "me and my wife" I think I paid for it.
She hates that joke, but I'm terrified.
That's true. She's always on my neck.
"Do not put your shoes over there. They must be over there."
"I bought both over and over here,
so I put my skid shoes where it suits me."
"I'll take my shirt off! Where should it be?"
Not true?
We are in the house. She is reviewing it because she is swift.
She finds the room that gets sun, checks the cabinets.
Like another idiot I will check the garage.
I'm looking for it. I open the door. The last owners have not emptied it.
There was a broken refrigerator, an old filing cabinet,
A spinal cord machine, something from a luau.
There were seven company courses in the ski garage,
that I should empty in 30 degree heat,
like a redhead guy hating his life.
After three hours I cut my forearms,
sweats and is covered by spider spindle.
I want to burn the ski house down.
I'm ready to go. But out of the blue my wife pops up
With a big smile on her lip, and she has made a sandwich.
Cut it half past diagonally, and it's true love, right?
If they do not cut it out, they might as well throw it.
"Here, your pig. Pour yourself clean!
You should live out here!
You should live out here!"
Cut out, diagonally, with Fritos in the middle and an ice cold beer.
It's been five years since she did.
But occasionally I still think on that sandwich.
It's incredible.
It appears in my brain as a good memory.
I'm talking to myself in the car.
"Do you remember when she made a sandwich for me? Incredible!"
"She cut it over, Fritos, an ice cold beer." I felt like a king! "
That's all it takes. Do you know how it feels?
Can you remember the movie A world outside?
The scene where the prisoners drink beer on the roof with the sun in the face?
How it felt.
The only thing missing was
was Morgan Freeman's voice, as saying:
"In 20 minutes Bill Burr felt like a free man."
There is no more time. I have been wonderful.
Thank you very much for coming.
Thanks, thank you.
It has been fun. Thank you.
Texts by: Jacob Jensen