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- So, these are getting
Blown up a little bit tighter
Than my comfort level is really into.
- Now that all the big balloons are inflated,
We're moving into the small party balloons now
To make chains.
- and everyone's gonna focus on that.
So this team's working now.
- We fixed it.
We fixed the problem.
We're gonna get liftoff.
- Okay, you're good.
Yeah, we're gonna go out with three at a time.
it's like the biggest game of operation and...
- I have no idea how to start this film.
But I actually do have
The end all figured out.
I'm going to attach 6,000 yellow balloons to myself.
And then I'm gonna take off against the blue sky.
The yellow contrasting brightly,
And that's just gonna be it.
Jubilation music, probably
Something sigur ros like.
That's actually my girlfriend veza up there.
I, myself, turned out to be
Too fat for takeoff,
Or, like I prefer to believe,
The balloon gas contracted
In the freezing cold
And threw all of our
Math into disarray.
- Get everybody else back.
- okay, I need everybody out...
Are you okay, veza?
- I love it.
- okay, one more time.
- well, this is actually what really happened.
Me not flying in the blue sky
Makes a little bit more sense after all.
- it would be great if you could
Go more for height.
You're not jumping particularly high.
You're just kind of moving horizontally.
- we need to take this position again.
- It's like, how can we not get this shot
With someone in the air?
- stefan's gonna come out of the rig.
- no.
- okay, I'm the director here,
I'm gonna make a decision.
- one thing is that harness
Isn't built professionally.
It is not meant for that.
- well then I go in this one.
And it's going to be dark by the time we get him off.
Hang on, hang on, hang on,
Exactly what you shouldn't be doing
Under the pressure, under the time constraints,
And the sunset.
You should definitely not be trying to rig
Someone else into the harness.
- this is a film about me
Trying to make myself happier.
- this is exactly the shit that I'm talking about.
a number of years earlier,
I was on sabbatical in bali.
My best friend visited from new york,
And was checking how I was spending my time.
I was pretty much making furniture,
And he looked at all of it and said, that's good enough
But somehow, if you come back after a year
With these couple of chairs and these ideas,
I'm not quite sure if that's all that worthwhile.
Well, this is really when the whole idea
For the happy film came up.
I had given a talk on design and happiness many times,
And I'd always received really good feedback and
It just seemed like a juicy
Design problem itself, to make a proper
Project out of it.
And it would force me to
Research the subject properly.
After talking to many psychologists, I wrote a script.
And I made a list and a plan.
I love making a plan.
It got big.
Anything, fitted in there.
It turned out that making a film about happiness
Was somehow like making a film about life.
Too big, just impossible.
I narrowed it down to
My own happiness instead.
After all, on my own happiness,
I really am the world's number one expert.
The big question really is
Can I train my mind in the same way
That I can train my body?
And by far, the best book I read
Was this one by jonathan haidt.
So I called him up
And he agreed to be the scientific
Adviser for this film.
- So, there are three really
Well validated techniques
For changing your habitual thinking.
The first technique is meditation.
You concentrate and you learn to let go
Of thoughts that make you less happy.
Buddha said something like,
A man must train his mind
Like an elephant tamer
Tames an elephant.
The second technique is cognitive therapy.
It's a lot easier than meditation.
People have much higher success rates.
You catch your distorted thinking
And you learn to correct it.
The third technique is drugs.
Like lexapro and prozac.
They really do change the way you think.
And they change your habitual thought patterns.
- I'm going to try them all out
For three months each.
So I should be done in 12 months.
I'm going to measure my happiness daily
On a scale from one to 10.
I'll double-check that here and there with an mri scan.
I'll do an eeg.
I'll keep track of my behavior every week.
And I'll tape a video diary.
And I know little about how to make a film.
So I'll ask my friend hillman for help.
And like a proper graphic designer,
Before I did any of that,
Before shooting anything,
I started with the title sequence.
It is now may 2009.
And I would say that my overall level of well-being is,
Right now, maybe like a six.
But I've already come up from
Maybe, like three.
I would say
Two or three weeks ago.
I clearly did lose a lot of weight.
Most of my trousers
Don't really fit anymore.
I mean, you see,
Even this one is...
Fairly loose
To say the least.
Or I can, well, it's also an advantage, I guess.
I can dress and redress so
Much quicker in the morning.
Altogether, I just broke off a
Long, long relationship
With my now-ex girlfriend.
We went out for 11 years.
And I'm clearly a little bit swimming right now.
For sure, the last two months,
Even though I try to be very active.
My normal mode of
Getting rid of problems is just to work more.
So I did quite a bit of work.
Kept... Tried to keep myself
Very, very busy.
- Yeah, huge fan of your guys's work,
I follow you all the time.
- we used to design a lot of cd covers.
I wanted to combine my two loves,
Design and music.
Then it turned out that designing the 28th cover
Wasn't as much fun as designing the 1st.
- Look at this cd, look at how cool that thing is.
How slick is that?
Very, very cool.
- and then I was just trying to see
If I could apply this language
That I know how to speak,
Graphic design,
To something that was
Actually much more personal.
And I found this little list in my diary
Of things I've learned
In my life so far.
So I chose some of them.
Designed them as well as I absolutely could.
So, there is trying to look good
Limits my life.
Everything I do
Always comes back
To me.
Keeping a diary
Supports
Personal
Development.
Even though my initial feeling was
That it's fairly self-indulgent,
The reaction of the audience was fantastic.
It became this thing that's still very graphic design,
But a much more personal expression.
Look, somebody is in a good mood.
- I'm so excited. - Excellent.
The reason I wanted to work with jonathan
Is because he deals with the whole life,
Not just some small, specialist stuff.
And at the same time, he's a true scientist.
Everything he says is backed up by proper
Authoritative research.
- The view that I came to in writing the
Happiness hypothesis I didn't have this view
When I started writing, but by the end of the book,
I came to the conclusion that happiness doesn't come
From getting what you want.
Well that, everybody knows.
It doesn't come from within.
I mean, that's what the buddhists
And the stoics have always told us.
From within, so, you know, change yourself,
Find happiness within.
There's some truth to that,
But I think the more correct way
To think about human happiness
Is that happiness comes from getting the right
Kind of relationships.
Between yourself and others,
And yourself and something larger than yourself.
Try to almost see yourself
As though you were,
You know, a child or an animal
That you were trying to change or shape.
And what experiences
Can you give it that would end up just
Making it automatically and habitually act
In a different way.
- To make your mind become strong,
You need exercise.
The exercise of the mind, this
Is what we call meditation.
- the schedule says wake up at 4:30
And then a full program
All the way 'til 9:15 pm.
Meditation, break, meditation, break.
Break, meditation, meditation
With strong determination,
Meaning you're not allowed to move,
Break, lecture, break, meditation.
At 6:00 in the morning, already
My back hurts like hell.
And at 8:00, oh, my god,
The pain is totally nuts.
- This is the way to get happier.
May all beings be happy.
Meditation, stop.
One, two, three, four.
- but the only pleasure
That I experience now
Comes from the time
When the pain goes away.
- one by one,
When you're calm.
may all beings
Be happy.
Fuck.
five, six, seven, eight.
- I'm surrounded by a surprisingly mixed group.
A bunch of jakarta housewives,
A fancy hippie.
An aging surfer dude.
An architect, designer type.
And various women between the age of 25 and 45
At various degrees of being lost.
Everybody looks zombie-like and dour.
If I'm supposed to get happy here,
Current company does not
Suggest a successful outcome.
good morning, everybody.
We're going to continue our practice
To make our harmonious mind appear.
- crazy pain,
All night long.
I'm totally ready to give up.
seven, eight, nine, ten.
One, two, three, four, five.
just ran into an old student of mine and
She's joining me and her friend for dinner later on.
So... Lovely.
Well after failing for awhile,
I am now opening
Up to new things.
It does feel like lots
Of stuff is possible.
And I think even tanya is impressed.
I'm bored.
Sunday and I'm bored.
I was reading all afternoon
And I will do a little bit of work now,
Because I don't know, really,
What else I should do.
My mom, whom I loved dearly,
Died this year.
She used to work in a store all her life,
And going up to people,
Making that first step really became easy
As she got totally used to it.
I, myself, could still get much, much better at that.
This, this line and this line, same distance?
"t" here.
I'm extremely anxious about this dance piece.
Choreographing dancers
Is fairly far away
From straightforward graphic design.
The "e" moves back.
It's always the same.
If I've done it before, I get bored.
If I haven't done it before, I get anxious.
A couple of years ago, hillman had made a
Short portrait of me.
And I immediately thought,
I could be friends with this guy.
- So, I would choose the letters where it made sense.
Do you know what I mean?
- yeah.
Unlike me, he's calm and gentle.
We make a good team.
M, yes!
A, yes!
K, yes!
E, no!
What a crazy weekend.
I spent it with tanya in
A hotel down south in alila uluwatu.
And I mean, of course, yeah,
It can't be much better.
What a lovely, lovely, lovely,
Lovely, lovely girl she is.
Sadly, she doesn't want to be filmed.
She thinks I share too much
Private stuff with everybody.
I think I'm falling for her.
Yeah, I think I'm falling in love.
Just coming back from an incredible weekend with tanya.
I'm really in love, and I told her so.
I'd say that if she would leave me now,
Then I'd definitely have that broken heart
That jonathan haidt thought
Would be good for the film.
There was a meditation on love and kindness.
And I meditated on
The fact that I'm gonna die.
And I think I really
Don't wanna just dedicate the next
20 years of my life also to design,
As I've basically been doing.
Yeah, I definitely had an insight.
The insight is that I really want kids.
It's a big deal.
That would be for me, my god...
It's a big deal.
And I'll see how tanya feels about this.
Crazy.
I'm in hong kong.
And things are amazing.
Of course, now that I'm not looking
For a girl,
They are all over me.
Maybe like the most ever.
There was this pretty blonde girl
Who in a second, sat on my lap.
And just to make sure
That I actually heard her correctly,
I said, did you just offer me a trial run
To sleep with you?
And she said,
Well, I might have,
You have to seduce me a little bit before.
And it took, as it was,
Quite some self-discipline not to.
Crazy.
I do think I could be a good dad.
And on the other hand,
If I would have a
Family just for the thrill.
Oh, my god, that would be awful.
I'm not sure if she's pissed at me.
Who knows?
It for sure would be understandable considering
That the child issue surely is a deal-breaker for her.
I think that's more my problem
Than it is a reflection of
The true situation with tanya.
But it's constantly like,
Oh, we are so different. Oh, she is so irrational.
Oh, we have a difference of common sense.
In a very, very difficult situation with her,
Because I couldn't count on her acting rationally.
And it's difficult to get
These thoughts out of my brain.
I mean, we are a month into it basically.
And there is already
Serious strife.
Serious.
I'm basically
Out of my depth.
She cried.
I'm just really sad.
- it is intimacy with the ordinary conditions
Of life that allow meditation
To arise naturally,
And then you find yourself in meditation.
and not while I'm sitting
In my meditation hut
Trying, sitting still.
- yeah, well, there's the word trying.
The trying is the problem.
'cause you're trying to get somewhere
As if you're not somewhere.
- I actually found a repeatable way
To manufacture a happy moment.
♪ I think I know how I feel
♪ cause I- I only play for real ♪
♪ you should be picking me up
♪ instead you're dragging me down ♪
♪ you're flying over my head
♪ you're landing all over town
♪ you should be picking me up
♪ instead you're dragging me down ♪
- what is it that leads to a change
In the way that you engage with people?
From last time we spoke,
It was clear to me that your issue
Isn't happiness per say.
And that issues were
Really much more about connection
With other people, and some of the
Warm, loving skills.
There's actually one other element here
That we should bring
In, is the fact that you were living
In a foreign country.
It sounds like we have
Not just the meditation,
But we have being in a new place.
- In a place in which you don't know people,
So you're forced to be more open.
In a place that the pace of life of which
Is much, much slower than in new york.
And in a place which is physically very beautiful,
And in a very green, natural way.
So all of these things are adding up
To sort of suppress the sort of,
The time pressure,
You know, task-focused stefan sagmeister.
And bring out to the greatest
Extent that you're capable
Of the more warm, loving and open stefan sagmeister.
So it's going to be very difficult for us to figure out
Whether the meditation played any role whatsoever.
What we're seeing here is that you're really high
In a trait called systemizing.
And systemizing is the ability
And skill of seeing things as systems
Which can be graphed and manipulated.
And systemizing is at least slightly correlated
Negatively with empathizing.
And so this is a systemizer's attempt
To make himself more empathizing.
- so, jonathan talks in his book
About this metaphor for
Unconscious and the conscious minds.
The conscious mind being the tiny little rider
On the giant elephant, the unconscious.
And the rider thinks that he can tell the elephant
What to do and where to go.
But the elephant, of course,
Has his own sort of ideas.
And it's quite strange
That even though we think
That we make our decisions rationally,
If you look at a guy called george.
He doesn't quite know where to move to,
Somehow georgia sounds best for george.
And if you have a guy called dennis,
He doesn't know if he wants to
Become a doctor or a teacher,
Somehow dentist sounds best to dennis.
And paula, unsure to marry jack or paul.
Paul it is for paula.
And that's the strange thing.
We think we make these decisions,
But you have data in the us
That there are more georges
Who live in georgia,
There are more dennises
Who become dentists,
And there are more paulas
That are married to pauls
Than would be statistically viable.
Now, when I first saw that data I thought, you know,
These stupid americans.
Ah, they really don't know what they're doing.
Somehow they are, you know,
Led around by their elephant.
Then I looked at my own family.
That's my mom karolina marrying my dad karl.
My grandmother josephine marrying my granddad josef.
So, I'm still looking for that stefanie.
So, yeah, what I normally do on Monday mornings
Is this weekly rating thing.
I've been doing it for years and years.
It's basically 12 things that
I'm gonna change about myself.
So, one, I've been really, really good.
Five, I've been really, really bad.
First one, don't drink alcohol, was one.
That I'm gutsy once a week.
Last week, I don't think I was very gutsy,
But I'll have to go back and check.
Okay, there was this guggenheim gala
Where I did go up to some people.
Not all that successful,
But at least I did.
Helping somebody, I was actually good last week.
Do something with my friends, also a two.
Flexible, I don't think I was all that flexible.
So that gets, so that will be a
One, a two, five.
26 divided by 12.
2.1, okay, so that's not too bad.
Yeah, I think that's pretty good.
Oh, and then one that I left out here
Because I was too embarrassed about it
Was that I wouldn't date any girls
That are more than 20 years younger than I am.
In weeks when I was good at these things,
When I got good marks, it's
Always been a happy week.
And then I got bad marks,
It's been an unhappy week.
Jonathan introduced me
To some very high end cognitive therapists.
I met up with them,
And hated them all.
Then a friend introduced me to sheenah.
I liked her.
- How are you? - - I'm good.
- I, myself, have never been in therapy before. - Right.
- I'm not sure if I'm a
Particularly fantastic candidate
For therapy, considering that
For a big part of my life
I've been fairly happy.
When I first met sheenah I asked her,
Is it reasonable to expect
Some change after three months?
And she said, well, if you just talk and do nothing,
Probably not.
If you do the homework and train yourself in that,
It probably will work.
My memories of my childhood are incredibly happy.
My parents had an unbelievable marriage.
I don't remember a single fight
Or even bad feelings in the air.
- oh, look at that.
That's a beautiful picture of you and her.
Now, you come from a very close, loving family.
- Mm-hm. - There's not much history of conflict.
There wasn't much model for it growing up.
- here's something that I was thinking about,
Is that you're 49 and you've never married.
- And I've found that all single people who say to me,
I can't understand why I really don't have a family,
Why is this?
All of them tend to be passive pleasers.
Because you tend to avoid conflict.
- yes, I think that accurate. - Right.
- So what would you say would be a remedy for that?
- I believe in dealing with conflict well and elegantly.
And respectfully.
It would be good practice for you to do that.
- even before I saw sheenah,
I've been trying to get
Better with everyday things.
Things I'm almost embarrassed
That I need to talk about them.
Things like if I want a coffee on the street
And I see somebody with a coffee,
Just ask that person,
Where did you get it,
Rather than finding it myself.
Or telling a taxi driver to turn the radio down
If it bothers me.
You know, I've been known to sit in a taxi
And just endure it.
That's perfect, thanks.
Do you have any idea of other homework
That I could do?
- I think we should pick things that you would avoid doing.
What kind of things do you avoid doing?
Cause I do believe in seeking discomfort
As a great way to grow confidence.
- Hi, sorry for interrupting,
But you just look fantastic.
I love your outfit,
You just look great.
That's some serious amount of
Apples that you have there.
- So I'm gonna do things
That I normally never do.
And some, probably the most difficult one
Is going to be to get a phone number of a girl.
Which is just gonna be terrifying,
Because I never do that on the street.
I just never do.
So just thinking about it
Now and talking about it,
Yeah, makes me queasy
To say the least.
Wow, I love that bag.
Excuse me, I love that bag.
I'm not getting very far with my compliments.
- People are so used to being approached here.
- Do you ever approach people on the street?
- No. - Me neither.
- I never do. - Yeah, no, no, me neither.
- This blonde? You want to try?
- Not really.
She looks mean. - Yeah.
- Can I give you a flower?
- oh, it's-- - no, but look, look,
It matches perfectly.
- Thanks a lot, thanks a lot. - Yeah? Thank you.
I'm sorry, I see you're texting
But I just have to comment on your jacket.
That is just the nicest jacket.
You absolutely look fantastic.
Yeah, yeah. - Oh, well, thank you.
I would love to get together for a cup of coffee
At one time.
- Look, and I have a flower for you.
- Oh, thank you.
- Excellent. - They're beautiful.
- That was the first one that halfway decently worked out.
I didn't quite have the guts to further,
To really ask her for her phone number
After she accepted, graciously, my card.
But I wouldn't, the way she reacted,
If I would actually get an email from christie.
I would say, at least from
A judgement of american society,
I clearly must have some
Sort of commitment issues.
At least, if I talk to girls--
- They're going to tell you that within five minutes.
- I think that I have commitment issues.
I did have, of course, a very long relationship.
- You did?
I went out with anni for 11 years.
- You did? - Yeah.
We were friends for many, many years
Before we started dating.
And we had a quite wonderful relationship,
But towards the end, we really sort of got
On each others' nerves.
Mostly small things.
I could never really figure out how that happened.
Did she start to do things she never did before?
Or am I now getting agitated about stuff I used
To be fine with?
And I'd say that right now,
I'm not sure if it was a
Good idea to break it off.
But I can say this.
I of course am a big list-maker.
I have also made lists of
Positives and negatives. - Negatives.
- Yes and it was just a little bit
More negatives than positives.
And I recently went
Back into the diary
And saw those lists again and--
- What did you see?
- I saw that I
Left out a good number of
Positives that I would see now.
- really?
yeah.
That there were
Things that I didn't give her any credit for,
That she clearly would have deserved credit.
That I basically
Took for granted.
Let's say that last pro and con list,
Done from today's point of view,
Would look radically different.
One thing that I think
Initially took guts was the
The opening card of the studio itself.
This was, I think, 17 years ago.
And it was just a stupid little joke.
My girlfriend at the time thought that,
Oh, I'm going to lose the one client
By sending this out.
But there were one or two
Other clients that followed.
So, it actually worked.
Shit, no, shit, it would have to be much higher.
Fuck.
You see, like the distance between the h
And the a is now too big.
- okay, the one thing
That we haven't tried,
Which would, again, take probably five, 10 minutes
If we didn't talk to each other, at all.
hillman was a rock star.
And I don't mean this metaphorically.
I mean he had a major label recording contract.
And he'd toured for 10 years.
And how do I know about this?
From wikipedia.
He, himself never really talks about it.
- I would say if we're gonna do it,
I don't think there's any real point in doing it,
When we can do it with--
you're gonna be right,
You're gonna be right.
But just give me like five minutes.
We won't even say anything.
Just let me see the "having" as it was before.
Where we were.
And there might
Be some surprising new thing that happens.
- well, sheenah thinks I should be less cautious
In my relationships.
And I have been infatuated
With a very private woman
In my hometown in austria
For a very long time now.
And she would hate to be
Mentioned in this film.
So I'll just call her miss private.
When I think of her, it's never sexual
It's always about some smart thing she said
Or some nice thing that she's done.
I'm going to austria right now
And let's see, maybe I finally get
My shit together and I'll be able to tell her.
Of course, miss private came.
- Miss private, yeah.
- she told me that she made some decisions,
That she has to stop that safe, mousy life back home.
- oh, really?
And I sort of looked at her and said, well,
That, uh, that sounds
Pretty good for my cause.
Then we kissed and
It basically went from there.
She was here in a week when new york was at its finest.
Like, you know,
- Oh, I do.
It was super warm, the sun was shining every single day.
And I feel that it was
More new york than me
Who won her over.
New york was so much on my side.
- Yeah. - - that's your rival.
- yes, yeah.
- 2:00, okay, perfect.
Okay, goodbye.
He'll be here at 2:00.
- Oh, excellent.
The institute for contemporary art in philadelphia
Invited us to create an exhibit.
I immediately thought, this could be about happiness.
The happy show.
I've been doing promotional
Things for so long now.
This could be a great possibility
To use the language of design
For something more personal.
When she stayed over
Like, for me, it was oddly friendshippy.
- really?
- yeah.
Not passionate. - Passionate.
- And oddly companionate.
- mm-hmm.
- I mean, you know,
Even down to the the point
That she smelled very familiar.
Or more particularly, she smelled like my sister.
But on the other hand it's also not so sexy.
- It's not sexy at all.
- This represents what it would look like
When it's a generated
Pedal power, okay?
- her concern was that I'm very, very rational.
Actually, too rational for her.
And I make this whole relationship so rational.
Yeah, it's just not emotional enough for her.
- and what does she exactly mean by that?
- I think what she means by it
Is that there is probably not
I don't know, enough gazing
Into each others eyes.
- romance, you mean?
If there is such a thing as passionate love,
I am not in passionate love with miss private.
- So, she senses that?
- Yes.
- yes. - - yeah.
I'm trying to get like a perfect packed one.
So, the end is the test.
- That looks nice too, though.
Using them like this.
- Yeah, yep.
- Fine, let's go for the coffees.
Yes, yeah.
Hillman is very sick.
You're okay now?
He does not wanna talk about it.
He's been absent a lot lately,
And the whole team has been avoiding the issue.
I'm not quite sure how to bring it up.
I was missing you badly,
And missing the input badly.
- I want you to be involved
Every single step of the way.
- On all things.
I'm extremely aware that the little graphic shots
Are not gonna make the movie.
They're gonna be sweet
Nice little things, the movie will need a story.
And it needs to be emotional.
And I think that I'm very much relying on you for that.
- so miss private and I split up.
- you did?
She said, well, I think we both made up our minds.
And we clearly both knew what she was talking about.
Ultimately my guess would
Be that that is, you know,
Just another boring fear of commitment.
- I think I called it trapped,
And you called it bound.
Do you remember that?
- I think you have a big fear of being trapped
In a conflictual situation.
And most people who avoid commitment
Are really avoiding conflict.
- It's strange, I know with people that work with me,
After 10 minutes,
No problem at all.
And I've not been somebody
Who falls in love at first sight at all.
you have a lot of caution.
- Yep.
- A lot of caution about falling in love.
Maybe not about everything in life,
But certainly about falling in love.
- I guess, you know, what I'm trying
To figure out here is whether something about
You or your strengths,
The way you live your life,
Makes it simply difficult for you to connect
Deeply with women.
- Yeah.
And that's why we call it falling.
You don't have to choose fall.
You're just walking along and you fall.
It's developing a long term companionate love relationship,
That's what's harder.
- So, do you think that...
That's the question, do you think that a long term
Companionate relationship is possible without the
Passion that comes up front--
- Absolutely. It's absolutely possible.
- It is possible? - Yes.
- Yeah. - Yes.
And that's the way traditional marriages often were.
You simply put the people together.
They might not love
Each other at first,
They don't know each other.
But they can develop very,
Very deep companionate love relationships.
So, it's not that the
Passionate love is essential.
But it is one of the greatest experiences
And for somebody who craves peak experiences,
And strong emotions,
It is one that I would not want you to miss.
- But from your point of view,
Miss private and I could actually have
Developed a beautiful relationship
Even though it didn't feel very passionate
At the beginning. - Absolutely, absolutely.
- Let's see that last one again.
- It just ends with the plane.
- I'm really trying to work more on the film
And less on our regular commercial projects.
- and then you'll think of some ideas?
- Yes.
- great.
- Should we set a deadline?
- Otherwise, I'm just gonna forget.
- Yeah.
- Jessica has great ideas,
Knows how to execute them,
And most important of all,
Has the wherewithal
To make them real.
- Well, we could film, like, crops.
- yeah.
Even though she's super young,
She's crazily experienced.
I mean, she designed a website showing other designers
How to design websites at 13.
I asked her if she wants to become
A partner in the studio.
She did.
- Pouring like a yellow paint or something,
And you saw the dripping.
Maybe we start with the plants.
- we renamed the studio sagmeister and walsh,
And designed a card announcing that.
We might need some books for you.
- okay, and I think we need about this many.
- okay.
- Okay, and here we are.
Okay, guys, and start looking at me.
Look above me.
And you're just looking at each other
As you're standing there.
Cool, okay, and now
Switch it around.
Great, again, both looking at me.
Great.
Okay.
- Oh, my god, did you tan for this, specially?
- Maybe.
♪ I have a wound
♪ that never will heal
♪ and you are
♪ the one that constantly peels ♪
♪ the skin away
♪ each and every day
♪ why don't you please
♪ and I have a way
♪ of seeing these things
♪ the skin on your bones
♪ it comes deadly aloes
♪ pull it away
- okay.
Okay.
- well, I felt
It was sort of strange that
We are making a movie on happiness
And we having a director, a co-director,
Who is, you know, seriously ill.
How do you feel?
- Just
Having been dealt a set of cards
That are really difficult,
You know, and no breaks.
- In some ways, I'm actually surprised
That you still wanna be a part of it.
For all the sort of daily crap
That documentary film making brings with it.
You know, that you don't just say, oh, no.
- You know, I mean, I've got two kids.
I like to see them watch me work.
It's really gratifying.
They get to see what their dad does.
It floats your,
Well-being, I guess.
- There were times
When I'd almost wish it would
Be the other way around.
I mean, are you angry at all, or?
- I've done the angry thing.
So heavily.
Chairs.
Books.
All kinds of things.
- what, you've thrown chairs?
- Oh, sure.
I did that.
And all it did, really,
Was scare the kids.
Just scared my wife,
And made me feel bad.
- For hillman, the
Last year of his life
Was not about changing,
But about trying to keep
Everything exactly the same.
He wanted to eat ice cream with our kids.
He wanted to work on the happy film.
He wanted to lie in bed and talk.
And he wanted to have friends over for dinner.
Why should I accept death, he'd ask me,
When my life is so beautiful?
- I'm not sad enough.
I'm sad
That I'm not sad enough.
I had a wonderful conversation with christina.
She is so honest.
I really can learn from her.
I mean, she really goes deep.
You know, I asked her how she's doing.
And she said, well,
Tess is just thriving.
Her youngest daughter
Is just thriving
Since hillman died.
What a difficult thing to admit.
And you notice that it's just,
There was so much sadness in their house,
That it's so great to
Have that sadness lifted.
And that, if she's, later on,
I'm sure that she's gonna realize
That she has no dad.
And there's going to be difficulties with that.
But right now, she's thriving.
And when I said, well,
Correct me if I'm wrong but,
I would think that hillman would be thrilled with that,
She said, oh, was
Not quite sure,
She was sort of quiet, and
I said, well, or not.
There's a darkness in all of us.
And an imperfection.
- it only hits me now.
I miss him.
I really do.
- Given the information that we've gathered
In terms of your genetics,
I have to say that you're
Probably the healthiest person
That I've seen all week in my practice.
So let's talk, then, about anxiety.
- If I would go into a room
Where I don't know anybody,
I can be quite good about that
With a little bit of a going
Over a bump, introduce myself.
Or I can also be anxious about that.
- And you don't suffer from being lonely?
- no.
No, I really don't.
And spending time by yourself
Is okay?
- you're okay in your own company? - Yes.
- So, your anxiety levels then
- I'm a little bit afraid I'm painting this
Picture a little bit too rosy.
I'm afraid at the end I'm not
Gonna get anything because--
- well, we'll talk about it though.
I mean, if you were coming to me
And reporting mild anxiety that you wanted to
Do something about,
I wouldn't be opposed to prescribing
Something like lexapro
In a low dose for you, as a trial.
- Yeah.
- But it has side effects.
- The side effects are dry mouth, headache, gi upset,
Anxiety, insomnia--
That's not a very good side effect to have, no?
- These are all possible side effects.
98% of the people who take lexapro
Feel calmer and feel better.
The other thing that happens when you first start a
Medication like this,
Your brain is going through some changes.
Actually, your neural circuits are sort of
Being rearranged.
If everybody knew how complicated it was
And what these drugs do,
Probably, nobody would take them.
- Yeah, this is the second day.
And I definitely had to
Schlep myself and force myself to go running.
This is four days now of lexapro.
And I definitely feel
Less energetic.
I sleep more.
Today I even had blotchy skin.
There's actually absolutely
No betterment whatsoever.
there might be one thing
That we could alter slightly,
Rather than having to abandon
The experiment completely.
And that would be to
Change the medicine
To a nighttime dose.
- Oh, excellent.
Meaning that I get lame at night and lethargic,
And have the energy during the day?
- right.
- Perfect.
In all my lethargy, one wonderful thing happened
Though and it was that
A very wonderful interviewer came over
To set up an interview for
Some german arty magazine.
And...
We just hit it off.
There was ample time to talk.
And she seems so positive.
And so, we just came
Back onto the roof
And stayed up
Until the sun came up.
And I'll see her for dinner again tonight.
Okay, who are you?
- Who am I?
- What do you have to say about happiness?
- I enjoy being happy.
How I came about it is that I definitely realized
That I'm not so much in control.
I'm happy to experience it, you know,
There might be moments where I don't,
They're not the most
Desirable moments,
But at the moment, I'm doing quite well.
So I would say bring it on.
- What I loved about the book was
That he very clearly states that in his experience,
Three things work the best.
And I am now speaking to you on drugs.
I started this regimen two weeks ago
And I truly hated it.
And then four days ago I met a girl.
And that changed everything.
So, when you're in between drugs and girls,
No competition.
My favorite statistics.
There's one comparing companionate love
To passionate love.
So, clearly, I am now in the top level.
But jonathan says that in his research,
This lasts for six months.
If you look at the whole thing
From a 60 year perspective,
The passionate lovers look pretty silly.
It looks like a flash in the pan.
While the companionate lovers
Are really the ones that stayed.
So, if by November, I'm not so passionate in love
With the girl that I met five days ago,
I don't have to wonder about it, because it's natural.
Because if I would have those kind of dopamines
In my body for longer than six months,
It would actually be very unhealthy for me.
- Like, so many people thought
That it was a performance,
That it was not real, that I made you up
Basically for the talk.
- Like the whole thing was kind of, like, too good to be true.
- I told you, I was not lying when I was telling you
That the pharmaceutical company hired me.
It's all business, hun.
You know, like, and I will expire in three months.
- Well, I can tell you that
I love big pharma,
I love big pharma.
- I have to download a song from nick cave
Called into my arms.
And I knew, wow, it's all so cheesy,
But that's gonna be our song.
I just knew.
♪ and I don't believe in the existence of angels ♪
♪ but looking at you I wonder if that's true ♪
♪ to each burn a candle for you ♪
♪ to make bright and clear your path ♪
♪ and to walk like christ in grace and love ♪
♪ and guide you into my arms
♪ into my arms, o lord
- Happy?
♪ into my arms
♪ but I believe in love
- I asked veza yesterday
If she wants to get married
To me and she said yes.
- I love the idea of committing to each other.
And being married to oneself
And being also married to
A partner who you truly love.
And I see that in you.
You're the first man who definitely
Sweeps me off the ground.
And definitely takes my breath away.
And, you know, makes my
Heart go boom, boom, boom.
Yeah.
You know, I really love you.
I really do.
So, enough now.
- I love you back.
- on three.
One, two.
- I used to say that this is so stupid,
Expecting the girl to be great in bed,
Be kind, be intelligent,
Funny, beautiful.
The crazy thing is that she is it.
I didn't think that there was somebody
That perfect out there.
I've never been so in love in my life.
Never.
I asked her to marry me and she said yes.
This is all after 10 days,
And this is the first woman in my life
That I've ever asked to marry me.
- Oh, my gosh.
- so, it's, suddenly there is that,
Even though I never expected it.
Or at least not consciously expected it.
I think unconsciously
Of course I wanted it.
- right.
- And that's just eerie in a way.
- Well, I mean, it may or may not be a coincidence
That you met the perfect woman
During this medication trial.
You, over the last 49 years
Have been anxious and sort of tightly wound.
This is the first time
You ever tried anything
That took away that anxiety.
So maybe it's opened you up.
I'm much more sharing.
I talk much more than I normally would.
I stopped eating, I lost 15 pounds in the meantime.
I sleep very little, between three and five hours a day.
And I have incredible energy.
Like, my work is going fantastic.
- are you using more caffeine?
Yeah, I mean, yesterday I'm sure I had 15 espressos.
- 15?
- yeah.
can I see this on you?
- oh, sure.
- Yeah, smaller one it is.
Number six.
- No, I think just espresso, just as it is.
- What's this?
You've gotta be kidding me?
- well, let's see.
- So, it's official now, yeah?
- Uh huh. - It's beautiful.
- I'm having all of her birthmarks
Tattooed on my arm.
And she's having all of mine tattooed on hers.
- okay, can you hear?
- can you hear us? - Are we all ready?
I can hear us fine too.
- Yeah, check, check, one, two.
- check, yep, we're good.
How do you feel about all the filming?
- Me, personally?
Very comfortable.
I think it feels very natural to me
Because I really wanna support stefan's happiness,
And of course I wanna support him in his work.
And it's been a big topic for me, happiness.
- veza, you said you know
About these three experiments.
- so, we've done two of the experiments.
And here we are amidst the third. - Which I ruined, basically.
- tell me about it.
Fall out of love with you because the whole thing
Could be a drug induced--
- Not at all.
- but I've only known you the way I've known you.
How is it for you guys to see me with stefan?
I think this is actually interesting to ask you guys.
- I've never seen stefan as happy as he's been.
Almost recklessly happy.
- do you think that's lexapro?
- Do I think it's lexapro?
This, you're concerned.
- no, I'm not concerned.
- I just saw it in your face a little bit. - - no.
- I mean, you clearly have
Doubts about all of this.
- I'm just trying to ask the questions
That I think you would ask
If you were standing where I was standing.
- what would you think if you heard
Three months ago I started taking lexapro,
I was terribly depressed for a week.
I met a woman, I fell completely in love,
And we're going to get married.
- Oh, crazy.
Another person, crazy.
Me, it's different.
Because I have an immediate experience of me.
And I know how it went.
I've never been so happy.
I mean, you know, I have never had in my life,
Yeah, I probably had a day that I would say
That was like a number 10 day,
Like a 10 out of 10.
But I've had 10 days like this in a row.
- unbelievable.
And too good to be true.
- Yeah, yeah.
And as we both know, normally,
In my experience, every single time,
Too good to be true means exactly that.
- yeah, I mean, I think it's fascinating
How you know about this concept of romantic love
And companionate love.
And it's like you're aware scientifically of the timeline.
- the only part of the rider-elephant duo that knows, is the rider.
The elephant doesn't give a shit about this,
About this knowledge.
The elephant just does what he wants.
The elephant falls in love
Totally and crazily and
And just goes in that direction.
The rider is just sort of sitting on top of the elephant
Saying, oh, you know,
Are you really sure?
You're on drugs.
And the elephant just goes.
- yeah.
- so, baby, we had a fight today, no?
In the morning or,
Yeah, I think you can call it a fight.
What do you think?
- I don't think it was a fight.
You should see me fight.
- yeah?
- no
Yeah, we did.
And look at we are still here.
- I'm about a week off drugs.
And right now I'm not doing well.
- let's hear what's been going on.
- It's been not great, I have to say.
In general, when it's not been,
The outer circumstances
Haven't been that fantastic,
I surely haven't been fantastic either.
- I'm not sure that the lexapro
In your system
Was really the true you.
What's going on in terms of the relationship?
- Not as ecstatic as it was.
- well, maybe it's normalizing.
- Yeah, yeah.
Level of passion can continue over the long run.
- I mean, that's basically what I had expected.
Yeah, I don't think that it can.
- Whenever you make one of these changes,
You wanna give it a few months.
Don't be bouncing around with
Just four or five weeks off.
You know, let your brain and body get back
To whatever level it's gonna be
For at least a couple of months.
And whatever you do,
Don't break up with veza in the next few weeks.
Give it a couple of months.
Get back to your baseline
And see how things are.
- yeah.
I thank you very, very much
For coming and for listening.
What you see here,
They are part of a whole series
Of maxims that I always felt was helpful
To at least know of
What I actually have learned
In my life so far.
This piece itself, the way that it works is basically,
You look through the frame
And there is a smile detection
Software here somewhere.
So if I smile properly
Yeah,
It actually does reward me
By becoming colorful.
And this is a sentence that
Came out of cognitive therapy.
The step up to it, basically, my therapist saw
That I'm not quite ready enough for confrontation.
The elevators.
And then a freight elevator
That opened up differently.
Press the button and it tells you what to do next.
Look, I'll show you my favorite ones here.
See the curve?
- yes.
- most people feel
Like a seven or an eight.
Want one?
Put a quarter in here.
It rolls outside.
Anybody can take it in front of the museum.
And this one.
Companionate love,
Passionate love.
And you have six months.
So, passionate love does go down.
And companionate love has
A possibility to grow.
So we'll have to transform
It into companionate love.
- No, but I already-- - but keeping some of the passion.
- But I already feel companionate love with you,
From the beginning.
- This is what I have to expect with you? - Mm-hm.
- Yeah? - Mm-hm.
- I think so.
I mean, I haven't been there.
No, but in the past, it's sort of like it was
My pattern, you know?
Roughly. - Well, then break it.
- I don't think it's breakable, baby.
I think it's human.
- no.
- and I don't have expectations
That it's gonna go on in that sort of passionate level forever.
And I think that that's good.
- You know what the difference
Between me and you is?
I don't even think about it.
I'm here now.
That's the difference.
- And I, of course, have to think about it
Because, you know, I did all that.
You know, I've been dealing
With all this research for--
- I know. - A long time now.
In general, a problem with relationships
Is that the expectations are too high.
Or that one of the reasons why my parents
Had such a great marriage, I think,
Is because they didn't really
Have a lot of expectations.
They didn't know each other very well and--
- No, I see that, no, I see that.
- Good.
Let's leave it there.
I'm like afraid
To provoke more arguments.
- Welcome to the sacred ceremony.
To this beautiful opportunity
To leave our old self behind.
Your life will be in line with nature.
- veza's model friend suggested ayahuasca.
I agreed and we tried it out together.
- Your eyes.
it made no difference.
Every month we had a fight
That went all the way to the edge, basically,
Where we broke up.
- I feel like, okay, whoa,
What did I do that you're so irritated with me?
Well, I'm just saying I want you to be happy
With what we do and whatnot.
- Oh, yeah, no, no, absolutely, yeah.
- Good to know.
- it's a little bit like,
And I'm really scared in a way
That this will turn you off.
Because, you know,
I mean, simply, if you don't get along with me,
Then why would you wanna stay with me, you know?
- I think I said that wrong.
That I don't think that we don't get along.
♪
another big fight today.
In the morning.
Very close to the edge.
And veza asked me afterwards
If I still wanted to get married.
And I didn't really know what else to do,
So I made another pro and con list.
Getting married.
Pro, four points.
Against, seven points.
- Such a crazy thing that we were.
Such a fantastic falling in love couple.
I mean, I've never
Fallen so hard
And so deeply in love.
And we are not a
Companionate love couple.
you know, here you are.
You set off to do this science experiment.
In my office two years ago, three years ago, whatever it was,
When we were talking about this
What was clear was that your weaknesses
Were about interpersonal connection
And commitment and gratitude.
And I think I even said,
You can go back and look at the footage,
I think I even said something like,
Well, it would be interesting to see
If you fall in love during
- yeah. - Because this is where your weakness is.
And so, you did fall in love.
Three times.
And you go off and you're doing meditation,
And bang, this-- a relationship,
Which blows out of the water any possibility
To measure whether, okay,
That's a little bit funny.
And then you go and you do cognitive therapy,
And the same thing happens.
- yeah.
- Now it gets funnier.
And a joke always has,
You know, three sections.
So the fact that it happens three times,
Stefan, this should be a movie about
You and your weaknesses,
And your attempts to fix them.
- oh fuck, this is gonna be such a nightmare
To figure this movie out.
I started out to get some really clear answers.
And what I got back
Is a bunch of mush.
- {jonathan] what have you learned
About the causes of happiness?
Do you have a better understanding
Of what makes you happy?
- I didn't wanna make a film
About questions.
And I hate all this stuff.
Oh, it's not about the answers.
It's about the right questions.
Blah, blah, blah.
Fuck.
This is a total disaster.
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I planned
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I planned
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I planned
♪ so I'm gonna sit
♪ myself down right here
♪ and see--
- Trying to look good
Limits my life.
I know, but I'm getting getting very concerned
About how I look in this film.
I'm a 50 year old guy who dates
Women 20 years younger.
And calls them girls.
I just spent the past six years of my life
Working on this thing
That says I'm an asshole.
What a great use of my time.
I should have stuck to chairs made out of letters.
- so, you chose the three techniques
That I describe in chapter two of the book
For changing the elephant.
But your problem wasn't the elephant.
You could just as well have chosen
The three aspects of between.
So, what if you had worked on your relationships?
And worked on the satisfaction
You get from work?
And tried to get involved
With some sort of larger project
In the company of people that you really like and respect?
That would be changing the conditions of your life
In ways that, I would predict,
Happiness would then follow
As you got a better between.
- well, in a way,
That has been what I've been doing.
I mean, I definitely
Worked on my relationships.
Not all that successfully, but I did.
And I have been more satisfied with my work.
The happy show was a big success.
I mean, almost a 1/4 of a million came to see it.
And this whole film project
Surely feels larger than me.
Basically outside of my control.
Like I'm the rider and it's the elephant.
This film started as a graphic design project six years ago.
And somehow it all became about me.
I guess I could have continued designing stuff
That I know how to do.
It would have been
So much easier.
Trying to chase after something more meaningful
Turned out to be a big pain in the ass.
But it also did
Make my life fuller.
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I planned
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I planned
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I planned
- So what's the purpose,
Why am I actually here?
I guess it would be to do something
That either delights
Or helps other people.
Or simply finding something
That's bigger than myself,
And dedicate myself to it.
I'm still blowing air into balloons.
Trusting, somehow, into
The lightness of things.
Believing it will work.
There's a shitload
Of possibilities.
One day it will be me up there.
I will fly.
Let's go.
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I had planned
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I had planned
♪ just gonna sit there
♪ sit down and write it
♪ see what happens
♪ to me
♪ if I don't do
♪ a god damn thing at all
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I planned
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I planned
♪ so I'm gonna sit down
♪ sit down right here
♪ and see what happens
♪ to me if I don't do
♪ a god damned thing at all
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I planned
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I planned
♪ so I'm going to sit my
♪ self down right here
♪ and see what happens
♪ to me if I don't do
♪ a god damn thing at all
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I planned
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I had planned
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I had planned
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I had planned
♪ so I'm going to sit my
♪ self down right here
♪ and see what happens to me
♪ if I don't do a
♪ god damn thing at all
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I had planned
♪ everything ain't going
♪ the way I had planned
♪ so I'm gonna sit
♪ myself down right here
♪ and see what happens
♪ to me if I don't do
♪ a god damn thing at all