1 00:00:05,336 --> 00:00:07,086 The housekeeper comes at 9:00. 2 00:00:07,171 --> 00:00:10,423 But where I'm from, you use a pan, you clean it. 3 00:00:10,508 --> 00:00:12,224 I-I can't get stains out of this thing. 4 00:00:12,310 --> 00:00:13,893 these stains have been there 5 00:00:13,978 --> 00:00:15,811 since the Reagan administration; I don't get it. 6 00:00:15,847 --> 00:00:17,313 Honey, I'm heading to the tile place. 7 00:00:17,348 --> 00:00:18,348 Okay. 8 00:00:18,399 --> 00:00:20,016 What are you doing? 9 00:00:20,068 --> 00:00:21,350 Rosa's gonna be here in, like, two minutes. 10 00:00:21,402 --> 00:00:23,769 I know, but this stupid pan. 11 00:00:23,855 --> 00:00:25,727 He always does his own dishes, 12 00:00:25,752 --> 00:00:27,083 not just when you guys are here. 13 00:00:29,410 --> 00:00:30,860 Happy birthday. 14 00:00:30,945 --> 00:00:33,215 Oh. Thanks, but now they know. 15 00:00:33,394 --> 00:00:34,663 I didn't want anyone to know. 16 00:00:34,699 --> 00:00:37,018 Oh, well, you're doing the sad birthday thing, 17 00:00:37,043 --> 00:00:38,112 must be an ordeal*** 18 00:00:38,137 --> 00:00:40,136 At this age honey, everything is an ordeal 19 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:41,788 What are you gonna do? 20 00:00:41,789 --> 00:00:43,205 I'm letting this one go by. 21 00:00:43,291 --> 00:00:44,957 - No! No. - No, no, you... 22 00:00:45,043 --> 00:00:45,958 Go have a drink with the guys. 23 00:00:46,044 --> 00:00:47,793 - No. - Come on. 24 00:00:47,879 --> 00:00:49,712 I'm sorry that I can't... This benefit, it's just... 25 00:00:49,764 --> 00:00:51,097 She raises tons of money for... 26 00:00:51,182 --> 00:00:52,882 For early childhood development in Los Angeles. 27 00:00:52,934 --> 00:00:54,266 I mean, millions of dollars, and she... 28 00:00:54,352 --> 00:00:55,718 Why don't you come? You can come. 29 00:00:55,803 --> 00:00:57,203 That's not where I wanna be tonight. 30 00:00:57,221 --> 00:00:59,105 I have three Shark Tanks on a DVR 31 00:00:59,190 --> 00:01:01,023 and a bag of white pistachios, I am... 32 00:01:01,059 --> 00:01:02,775 It's a dream night for me. 33 00:01:02,860 --> 00:01:05,561 I feel like your dreams have gotten a little small. 34 00:01:05,613 --> 00:01:07,396 Well, yeah, like everything else. 35 00:01:07,482 --> 00:01:08,116 Oh! 36 00:01:08,141 --> 00:01:11,132 All right. Do good. 37 00:01:11,486 --> 00:01:15,404 Okay, this... I hate this pan worse than Hitler. 38 00:01:15,456 --> 00:01:16,655 Conference room. 39 00:01:16,741 --> 00:01:17,990 Conference room, guys. 40 00:01:18,076 --> 00:01:19,864 Conference room, speed it up. 41 00:01:19,889 --> 00:01:22,128 By speeding it up, I don't mean slower. Go. 42 00:01:22,213 --> 00:01:23,913 Oh, hey, thank you so much for doing that. 43 00:01:23,965 --> 00:01:26,248 Uh, gracias para todo, 44 00:01:26,334 --> 00:01:29,585 um, uh, WD cuarenta también. 45 00:01:32,090 --> 00:01:33,472 Hey, man. 46 00:01:33,558 --> 00:01:35,307 You didn't wait for the "come in," 47 00:01:35,393 --> 00:01:37,593 but at least you knocked, so step by step, we'll get this. 48 00:01:37,645 --> 00:01:38,188 Huh? 49 00:01:38,213 --> 00:01:39,375 Nothing. What's up? 50 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,711 Yeah, so they sent me over here to get you. 51 00:01:40,736 --> 00:01:42,102 We have a production meeting. 52 00:01:42,127 --> 00:01:43,910 Production meeting? We just had one an hour ago. 53 00:01:43,935 --> 00:01:45,625 Yeah. So, yes. 54 00:01:45,650 --> 00:01:47,266 Uh, this is a second production meeting. 55 00:01:47,298 --> 00:01:48,818 It's more important than the first one. 56 00:01:48,833 --> 00:01:50,549 It's the goddamn cake, isn't it? 57 00:01:50,634 --> 00:01:51,416 - The what? 58 00:01:51,502 --> 00:01:53,001 Did you say "cake"? 59 00:01:53,087 --> 00:01:54,601 I don't even know what you're talking about. 60 00:01:54,626 --> 00:01:55,815 Cake, you said? 61 00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:57,256 Oh, you're such a lousy liar. 62 00:01:57,921 --> 00:01:58,757 I know. 63 00:01:58,843 --> 00:02:02,511 I just... I love birthdays. 64 00:02:02,563 --> 00:02:04,847 Ooh, it's hot. 65 00:02:04,899 --> 00:02:07,266 Do we know, are they... Are they coming soon? 66 00:02:07,351 --> 00:02:08,400 Anybody? 67 00:02:08,485 --> 00:02:10,686 Whoo! Ahh! Ooh! 68 00:02:10,738 --> 00:02:12,437 Just act surprised when you walk in, okay? 69 00:02:12,523 --> 00:02:14,239 All right, let's get this over with, but, Josh... 70 00:02:14,325 --> 00:02:15,858 - Yeah? - No song. 71 00:02:15,943 --> 00:02:17,693 It's like getting a sizzling dish delivered to you 72 00:02:17,745 --> 00:02:19,665 in a Chinese restaurant... Everybody stares at you 73 00:02:19,697 --> 00:02:21,246 and you're a little sweaty. No song. 74 00:02:21,332 --> 00:02:22,331 No, there was never gonna be a song. 75 00:02:22,366 --> 00:02:23,949 You and I are... 76 00:02:24,034 --> 00:02:26,118 on the same page. 77 00:02:26,203 --> 00:02:27,619 ♪ Happy... ♪ 78 00:02:27,705 --> 00:02:29,872 No! Stop, no! No song. We're not doing that. 79 00:02:33,429 --> 00:02:35,623 Oh, look at this. This is really something. 80 00:02:35,647 --> 00:02:37,932 Thank you. This cake is responsible for global warming. 81 00:02:39,352 --> 00:02:41,352 - Make a wish. - All right. 82 00:02:44,691 --> 00:02:48,420 My wish, is that you all get back to work. 83 00:02:48,445 --> 00:02:49,249 No, don't say it out loud. 84 00:02:49,274 --> 00:02:51,593 It won't come true if you say it out loud. 85 00:02:51,645 --> 00:02:54,077 I was joking, Kristen. I was just... I was just joking. 86 00:02:55,678 --> 00:02:57,678 Thanks, I really appreciate it. 87 00:03:06,993 --> 00:03:09,084 Hey, Billy! Hey, Billy! 88 00:03:09,109 --> 00:03:11,143 Hey, wait up. Hey. 89 00:03:11,163 --> 00:03:12,663 What's up? 90 00:03:12,715 --> 00:03:14,331 Hey, bud, are you okay? 91 00:03:14,383 --> 00:03:16,416 Yeah. Are you okay? 92 00:03:16,502 --> 00:03:18,468 Your hearts beating so fast, your shirt's moving. 93 00:03:18,504 --> 00:03:21,054 I have a resp... I have a... I'm fat. 94 00:03:21,140 --> 00:03:22,589 So, uh... 95 00:03:22,675 --> 00:03:24,925 No, I'm all right. It's just, uh... 96 00:03:25,010 --> 00:03:26,510 It's one of those days, Josh. 97 00:03:26,595 --> 00:03:28,061 I get like this sometimes on my birthday. 98 00:03:28,147 --> 00:03:30,230 Yeah, I hear that. I hear that. 99 00:03:30,316 --> 00:03:33,400 I turned 33 last year, and it was like, Jesus. 100 00:03:33,485 --> 00:03:35,853 Literally, Jesus died when he was my age, 101 00:03:35,938 --> 00:03:39,940 and you're, what, twice that? 102 00:03:40,025 --> 00:03:41,942 You should get a job at one of those suicide hotlines. 103 00:03:42,027 --> 00:03:43,493 You have a very soothing way about you. 104 00:03:43,529 --> 00:03:45,579 No! No, no, no, no. I don't mean it like that. 105 00:03:45,664 --> 00:03:47,364 I just meant, you know, you're... 106 00:03:47,449 --> 00:03:51,168 I mean, you're gonna be around for a decent amount of time. 107 00:03:51,929 --> 00:03:53,240 I'm gonna go. 108 00:03:53,265 --> 00:03:55,038 Make sure you don't talk to anybody who looks sad. 109 00:03:55,124 --> 00:03:56,540 You could put them right over the edge. 110 00:03:58,127 --> 00:03:59,877 Where, uh, where are you off to right now? 111 00:03:59,962 --> 00:04:01,678 You know, actually, I don't even know. 112 00:04:01,714 --> 00:04:02,930 I don't know. 113 00:04:03,015 --> 00:04:04,548 The kids are out of town for the week, 114 00:04:04,633 --> 00:04:06,516 and Julie's got something all day and tonight. 115 00:04:06,552 --> 00:04:08,218 And I just... I don't know, man. 116 00:04:08,304 --> 00:04:10,304 I just think I'll take a drive, I don't know. 117 00:04:10,389 --> 00:04:12,022 You're just gonna drive around alone? 118 00:04:12,057 --> 00:04:13,057 Yeah. 119 00:04:13,058 --> 00:04:14,558 Like a... like a pervert? 120 00:04:14,610 --> 00:04:16,560 Why like a pervert? 121 00:04:16,645 --> 00:04:19,563 I mean, if you go by parks and stuff. 122 00:04:19,648 --> 00:04:21,231 You can't be alone, dude. 123 00:04:21,283 --> 00:04:22,950 This is... It's your birthday. 124 00:04:23,035 --> 00:04:25,118 Billy Crystal was born today. 125 00:04:25,204 --> 00:04:29,039 I mean, not today, but a ton of years ago on this date. 126 00:04:29,074 --> 00:04:30,457 I'm not gonna let you be alone. 127 00:04:30,542 --> 00:04:32,743 That would be cruel. We're going out. 128 00:04:32,828 --> 00:04:34,795 We're gonna go celebrate. Come on! 129 00:04:37,967 --> 00:04:39,917 ♪ ♪ 130 00:04:40,002 --> 00:04:41,585 I'm gonna make it lower, okay? 131 00:04:41,670 --> 00:04:43,220 It's too loud. I'm sorry. 132 00:04:43,255 --> 00:04:46,840 Sure. 133 00:04:46,926 --> 00:04:48,091 You a little bit regretting 134 00:04:48,177 --> 00:04:49,927 asking me to come along with you? 135 00:04:50,012 --> 00:04:51,812 - A little bit. - A little bit. 136 00:04:51,897 --> 00:04:53,313 A little bit. A little bit. 137 00:04:53,399 --> 00:04:55,565 Oh, my God, I love Joe Pesci. 138 00:04:55,601 --> 00:04:57,901 It was De Niro. 139 00:04:57,937 --> 00:05:00,604 Doesn't make me love Joe Pesci any less. 140 00:05:03,157 --> 00:05:04,990 Hey, you know what, get in your right lane. 141 00:05:05,075 --> 00:05:06,658 You're gonna make a right turn. I wanna show you something. 142 00:05:06,725 --> 00:05:07,891 - Make a... make a right turn. - Where? Here? 143 00:05:07,962 --> 00:05:09,361 Josh, you're getting too close. 144 00:05:09,385 --> 00:05:11,603 - Josh! - you asshole! 145 00:05:11,628 --> 00:05:13,628 Yeah, suck on that little bitch 146 00:05:13,652 --> 00:05:15,218 Just up here right? 147 00:05:15,219 --> 00:05:16,885 You all right? 148 00:05:16,971 --> 00:05:18,587 - Yeah. - I'll be fine. 149 00:05:18,672 --> 00:05:20,506 Not you. You almost killed everybody. 150 00:05:20,558 --> 00:05:22,674 - Oh, sorry about that. - Pull over here. 151 00:05:24,522 --> 00:05:27,189 Do you know the significance of these steps? 152 00:05:27,214 --> 00:05:29,715 Is it because life is like stairs? 153 00:05:29,740 --> 00:05:31,573 Each year is a step, and when you get to the top, 154 00:05:31,609 --> 00:05:33,049 you look back down at your life and... 155 00:05:33,077 --> 00:05:34,109 No. No. 156 00:05:34,195 --> 00:05:35,361 - No? - Come on. 157 00:05:35,446 --> 00:05:36,912 Laurel & Hardy 158 00:05:36,948 --> 00:05:38,999 shot The Music Box on these stairs. 159 00:05:39,024 --> 00:05:40,032 - No. - Yeah. 160 00:05:40,117 --> 00:05:41,500 What? The Music Box was shot here? 161 00:05:41,585 --> 00:05:43,252 - Yeah. - You're kidding me. 162 00:05:43,287 --> 00:05:44,787 You never heard of it, did you? 163 00:05:44,839 --> 00:05:46,455 I've heard of music boxes. 164 00:05:46,507 --> 00:05:48,290 I've never heard of The Music Box. 165 00:05:48,342 --> 00:05:50,759 It won the Academy Award for best short film, 1932. 166 00:05:50,795 --> 00:05:53,545 Wow, did people used to care about that category back then, 167 00:05:53,631 --> 00:05:55,206 or was it like it is now? 168 00:05:56,831 --> 00:05:59,969 Okay, the two of them are delivering a crated piano, 169 00:06:00,021 --> 00:06:01,637 huge piano. 170 00:06:01,689 --> 00:06:03,782 And they have to push it up, and they hardly say a word. 171 00:06:03,807 --> 00:06:04,473 Uh-huh. 172 00:06:04,558 --> 00:06:06,141 And every time they get to a different point in these stairs, 173 00:06:06,227 --> 00:06:08,444 somebody comes down and knocks the piano down. 174 00:06:08,479 --> 00:06:11,113 It goes flying down the stairs and crashes onto the street. 175 00:06:11,148 --> 00:06:13,148 So they have to start over and over and over again. 176 00:06:13,150 --> 00:06:14,984 So finally, at the end of the movie, 177 00:06:15,036 --> 00:06:17,653 they get it to this house, which is way up there. 178 00:06:17,705 --> 00:06:19,154 And there's a guy who walks by, and he goes, 179 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:21,373 "You mugs brought this piano up those stairs? 180 00:06:21,459 --> 00:06:23,459 "You didn't have to do that. There's a road over there. 181 00:06:23,494 --> 00:06:25,854 You could just drive up in your truck and deliver it there." 182 00:06:25,913 --> 00:06:27,496 So you know what these two idiots do? 183 00:06:27,581 --> 00:06:30,666 They push the piano all the way down the stairs, 184 00:06:30,718 --> 00:06:33,002 back down to the street, load it back on the truck, 185 00:06:33,087 --> 00:06:36,672 and drive it up the driveway to deliver it to the house. 186 00:06:39,643 --> 00:06:40,676 Right? 187 00:06:40,728 --> 00:06:41,810 They bring it back down? 188 00:06:41,846 --> 00:06:43,512 All the way down. 189 00:06:43,564 --> 00:06:46,432 The only thing funnier than watching a slapstick comedy 190 00:06:46,517 --> 00:06:47,900 from the 1930s 191 00:06:47,985 --> 00:06:50,602 is having somebody describe it to you 192 00:06:50,688 --> 00:06:53,522 while you pretend to laugh because it's their birthday. 193 00:06:53,607 --> 00:06:56,275 It is so hilarious. It is so far ahead of its time. 194 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:57,743 That sounds so good. 195 00:06:57,828 --> 00:06:58,861 Yeah. 196 00:06:58,946 --> 00:07:01,129 I've gotta see this. Haha! 197 00:07:01,325 --> 00:07:02,325 Do you wanna head back? 198 00:07:02,350 --> 00:07:03,382 No, no. Come on. I wanna... 199 00:07:03,407 --> 00:07:04,031 Keep going? Sure. 200 00:07:04,056 --> 00:07:05,222 I wanna finish this. 201 00:07:05,247 --> 00:07:06,148 Sure, sure, sure. 202 00:07:06,173 --> 00:07:07,806 Yeah. All right, come on. 203 00:07:12,508 --> 00:07:13,828 Hey, you're gonna love this place. 204 00:07:13,843 --> 00:07:15,393 We used to come here all the time, 205 00:07:15,478 --> 00:07:20,481 baked out of our minds, and stare at Asian people. 206 00:07:20,516 --> 00:07:22,316 Oh, check this out. Come on, we should do this. 207 00:07:22,352 --> 00:07:23,517 What is this? Psychics. 208 00:07:23,570 --> 00:07:26,998 - Hello, how much to have his palm read? - Five. 209 00:07:27,023 --> 00:07:28,863 I'll give you 4, and I'll pay for it myself. 210 00:07:28,888 --> 00:07:30,074 5! 211 00:07:30,159 --> 00:07:30,992 All right, I'll give you 20, and that's it. 212 00:07:31,027 --> 00:07:32,159 That's as far as I go. 213 00:07:32,195 --> 00:07:33,471 You speak English? 5. 214 00:07:33,496 --> 00:07:35,042 You're a really bad negotiator. 215 00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:36,280 Yeah. 216 00:07:36,366 --> 00:07:38,486 Okay, just make sure you don't look in my palm's past, 217 00:07:38,534 --> 00:07:40,117 or you'll be very disgusted. 218 00:07:40,203 --> 00:07:42,587 See, he da-da-da a lot. 219 00:07:42,672 --> 00:07:44,715 Oh, yeah, me too. But I use two finger. 220 00:07:44,740 --> 00:07:45,423 Okay. 221 00:07:48,962 --> 00:07:50,211 She thumbs up. What's that? 222 00:07:50,296 --> 00:07:51,762 Yeah, you gonna have a great success. 223 00:07:51,848 --> 00:07:52,797 - Oh, see? - Make lots of money, huh? 224 00:07:52,882 --> 00:07:54,382 I like that. 225 00:07:54,434 --> 00:07:55,683 See? This investment is paying off already. 226 00:07:55,718 --> 00:07:56,718 That's great. 227 00:07:56,719 --> 00:07:58,219 She gets it. 228 00:07:58,271 --> 00:07:59,387 Good Auntie. Auntie. 229 00:07:59,439 --> 00:08:00,439 Yeah. 230 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:02,723 Oh. 231 00:08:02,809 --> 00:08:04,275 Why... Why are you scratching? 232 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:05,880 What's wrong with that part of my palm? 233 00:08:05,895 --> 00:08:08,112 Oh, you... you... Your life is ruined. 234 00:08:08,197 --> 00:08:09,864 Ruined? Why would it be ruined? 235 00:08:11,701 --> 00:08:14,118 Why are you so angry at my... At my fingers? 236 00:08:16,322 --> 00:08:19,407 Many, many bad things because of a bad woman that you love. 237 00:08:19,459 --> 00:08:20,459 Wait. What? 238 00:08:20,460 --> 00:08:22,243 No, listen. You listen. 239 00:08:22,295 --> 00:08:24,462 She whore. 240 00:08:25,927 --> 00:08:27,415 She whore. 241 00:08:27,500 --> 00:08:29,250 Do you understand "bullshit"? This is a horrible... 242 00:08:29,335 --> 00:08:31,168 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - That's my aunt. 243 00:08:31,254 --> 00:08:32,586 You don't talk that way in front of my... 244 00:08:32,639 --> 00:08:34,505 Well, you... Let me tell you something. 245 00:08:34,590 --> 00:08:36,307 You don't take somebody's $5 and tell 'em they're gonna... 246 00:08:36,392 --> 00:08:38,059 I'm not trying to be a racist, but you're acting... 247 00:08:38,094 --> 00:08:39,393 You're a Jew. You're a Jew. You been acting... 248 00:08:39,429 --> 00:08:40,928 What? You're being very racist. 249 00:08:40,980 --> 00:08:42,396 I'm not racist. 250 00:08:42,432 --> 00:08:43,264 No. Everybody calm down. 251 00:08:43,349 --> 00:08:44,598 Everybody calm down. 252 00:08:44,684 --> 00:08:46,100 Everybody fine. Everybody fine. I sorry. 253 00:08:46,185 --> 00:08:47,401 Take this. I'm gonna take my lollipop. 254 00:08:47,437 --> 00:08:49,103 Take a candy. Take another one, fatty. 255 00:08:49,188 --> 00:08:55,910 - Fatty, take another one. - What? Excuse me. [bleep]. 256 00:08:55,945 --> 00:08:57,328 I know it's all bullshit, 257 00:08:57,413 --> 00:08:59,363 but I really would pay good money 258 00:08:59,449 --> 00:09:01,949 to know, you know... To know what happens, 259 00:09:02,001 --> 00:09:03,250 how everything turns out. 260 00:09:03,286 --> 00:09:04,618 Nah, you shouldn't know. 261 00:09:04,704 --> 00:09:06,454 You should relish not knowing. 262 00:09:06,506 --> 00:09:08,255 That's one of the great things about being your age. 263 00:09:08,291 --> 00:09:10,451 See, I think one of the great things about being my age 264 00:09:10,460 --> 00:09:12,176 is having an erection without any help. 265 00:09:12,261 --> 00:09:14,682 The boners are good, yes. 266 00:09:14,707 --> 00:09:15,596 Mm-hmm. 267 00:09:15,631 --> 00:09:17,391 Boners are... Boners are actually still good. 268 00:09:17,433 --> 00:09:18,433 Really? 269 00:09:18,434 --> 00:09:19,434 Yeah. 270 00:09:19,469 --> 00:09:20,351 Oh, God bless you. 271 00:09:20,436 --> 00:09:21,469 Yeah, I'm lucky. 272 00:09:21,554 --> 00:09:22,520 Oh, man, to be Billy Crystal. 273 00:09:23,856 --> 00:09:25,106 You know, when I was in high school, 274 00:09:25,141 --> 00:09:27,358 my senior year, 275 00:09:27,443 --> 00:09:29,143 they started sending me to the guidance counselor, 276 00:09:29,228 --> 00:09:31,696 you know, to... she was gonna present options to me 277 00:09:31,781 --> 00:09:33,421 about the future, about, you know, college 278 00:09:33,449 --> 00:09:35,649 and jobs and all of that stuff. 279 00:09:35,735 --> 00:09:38,369 And she... she'd show me this university, that university, 280 00:09:38,454 --> 00:09:40,454 this job, that, and she actually said to me once, 281 00:09:40,490 --> 00:09:41,872 "Well, you know, you play clarinet. 282 00:09:41,958 --> 00:09:44,291 You could play clarinet in the Army Band." 283 00:09:44,327 --> 00:09:46,827 Right? This is 1965. 284 00:09:47,418 --> 00:09:49,997 But somehow I kinda knew 285 00:09:50,083 --> 00:09:52,166 where I wanted to end up, 286 00:09:52,218 --> 00:09:54,168 but I just didn't know how I was gonna get there. 287 00:09:54,220 --> 00:09:56,170 The mystery is a great thing, Josh. 288 00:09:56,255 --> 00:09:58,305 I'm... I-I miss the mystery. 289 00:09:58,341 --> 00:10:00,424 I mean, you know, 290 00:10:00,510 --> 00:10:02,009 I am who I am, 291 00:10:02,061 --> 00:10:05,679 but I don't know what my options back then were. 292 00:10:05,732 --> 00:10:09,016 You know, I could have been somebody totally different. 293 00:10:09,733 --> 00:10:10,985 Like this woman. 294 00:10:11,773 --> 00:10:14,287 You could have been an Asian woman? 295 00:10:14,312 --> 00:10:16,240 No, no. She's an artist. Look at what she's doing. 296 00:10:16,325 --> 00:10:17,658 I mean, it's amazing. 297 00:10:17,693 --> 00:10:19,410 She's... she's doing this beautifully 298 00:10:19,495 --> 00:10:20,995 in this little... Tiny, little place 299 00:10:21,030 --> 00:10:23,414 in Little Tokyo in LA. 300 00:10:26,519 --> 00:10:28,836 You know, you... You work your whole life, 301 00:10:28,871 --> 00:10:32,089 and you think, "I'm really good at this," you know? 302 00:10:32,175 --> 00:10:34,675 But how do you... How do you really know, 303 00:10:35,613 --> 00:10:36,821 you know, what... what... I don't know. 304 00:10:36,846 --> 00:10:38,830 You are spiraling right now, buddy. 305 00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:40,131 Oh, no, I'm not spiraling. 306 00:10:40,216 --> 00:10:42,266 Yeah, you're having an existential crisis 307 00:10:42,351 --> 00:10:45,553 about a woman in a bakery making God knows what. 308 00:10:45,638 --> 00:10:47,238 What's going on? What's happening to you? 309 00:10:47,306 --> 00:10:48,355 Are you okay? 310 00:10:48,391 --> 00:10:50,558 Yeah, I'm all right, just... 311 00:10:54,312 --> 00:10:56,448 I turned 67 years old today. 312 00:10:58,502 --> 00:11:02,736 And, um, I've been an orphan a long time. 313 00:11:02,789 --> 00:11:05,540 It's just... Just the way it is. 314 00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:12,746 That's how it is and, heh, when I was a kid, when it was my birthday 315 00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:14,800 My folks would be on either side and... 316 00:11:17,975 --> 00:11:20,359 They'd bring the cake out 317 00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:22,557 with the candle, and I'd make a wish. 318 00:11:22,716 --> 00:11:24,854 Same wish every time... 319 00:11:24,883 --> 00:11:27,718 I wish we could live forever. 320 00:11:27,944 --> 00:11:31,028 And then I'd blow it out, and I'd cut it. 321 00:11:31,297 --> 00:11:32,546 I'd stick my finger in the frosting, 322 00:11:32,631 --> 00:11:34,331 and I'd put it on my nose 323 00:11:34,417 --> 00:11:35,937 and on my dad's nose and my mom's nose, 324 00:11:35,968 --> 00:11:40,387 and we'd smile for the picture. 325 00:11:40,473 --> 00:11:43,724 Every year. 326 00:11:43,809 --> 00:11:45,476 You know? 327 00:11:45,511 --> 00:11:47,344 I miss that, you know? 328 00:11:47,430 --> 00:11:48,896 I mean, my life is amazing. 329 00:11:48,981 --> 00:11:50,514 Don't get me wrong. My life's amazing. 330 00:11:50,566 --> 00:11:56,019 Julie, my girls, grandkids, my work. 331 00:11:56,105 --> 00:11:57,654 I mean, you know, it's been great, 332 00:11:57,690 --> 00:12:00,941 but I-I need... I need that. 333 00:12:01,026 --> 00:12:02,593 Today I need that. 334 00:12:05,865 --> 00:12:07,364 I, uh... 335 00:12:07,450 --> 00:12:10,501 You don't have to say anything. 336 00:12:10,536 --> 00:12:11,919 It's all right. 337 00:12:12,004 --> 00:12:14,088 Josh, it's okay. 338 00:12:14,173 --> 00:12:15,372 It's okay. 339 00:12:17,877 --> 00:12:21,879 ♪ The skies are not cloudy all day ♪ 340 00:12:21,964 --> 00:12:23,881 They're all Pink Floyd songs. 341 00:12:23,933 --> 00:12:25,883 The Japanese must love Pink Floyd. 342 00:12:25,968 --> 00:12:27,935 Well, their national anthem is Comfortably Numb. 343 00:12:28,020 --> 00:12:29,470 No, that's North Korea. 344 00:12:29,555 --> 00:12:30,938 Mm-hmm. 345 00:12:31,023 --> 00:12:32,890 South Korea is Wish You Were Here. 346 00:12:32,942 --> 00:12:34,641 Actually, North Korea, that would be... 347 00:12:34,727 --> 00:12:36,059 The Wall. 348 00:12:36,145 --> 00:12:38,028 Yeah. 349 00:12:38,063 --> 00:12:40,898 ♪ Seldom is heard ♪ 350 00:12:40,983 --> 00:12:42,566 ♪ A discouraging word ♪ 351 00:12:42,618 --> 00:12:45,569 So, uh... 352 00:12:45,654 --> 00:12:47,287 you remember when we first met 353 00:12:47,373 --> 00:12:49,873 and I told you that I didn't have a dad? 354 00:12:49,909 --> 00:12:52,543 That my mom just found a cup of sperm somewhere 355 00:12:52,578 --> 00:12:53,660 on the street and... 356 00:12:53,746 --> 00:12:54,814 How could I forget? 357 00:12:54,839 --> 00:12:58,058 The image of the woman version of you walking down the street 358 00:12:58,083 --> 00:12:59,750 and finding a cup of, uh... 359 00:12:59,802 --> 00:13:01,718 Cum. 360 00:13:01,754 --> 00:13:06,390 You know, sometimes it's good to respect the trail-off. 361 00:13:06,425 --> 00:13:08,725 Anyway, I kind of have these memories of him, 362 00:13:08,761 --> 00:13:11,151 those little kid dream memories. 363 00:13:11,176 --> 00:13:12,338 Do you know what I'm talking about? 364 00:13:12,363 --> 00:13:14,010 Oh, big-time. I have that... 365 00:13:14,035 --> 00:13:16,233 A vivid memory of my first day of kindergarten, 366 00:13:16,268 --> 00:13:18,096 but all the kids' faces are blurry. 367 00:13:18,121 --> 00:13:19,153 Mm-hmm. 368 00:13:19,238 --> 00:13:21,166 It's like they didn't sign the release to be in the memory. 369 00:13:21,191 --> 00:13:22,074 Mm-hmm. 370 00:13:22,113 --> 00:13:24,713 You know, so they're there, but not. I know. It's weird. 371 00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:27,168 - It's weird. - When's the last time you saw them? 372 00:13:27,277 --> 00:13:30,591 It may have been at a performance of The Book of Mormon 373 00:13:30,616 --> 00:13:32,449 May have been? 374 00:13:32,535 --> 00:13:36,253 Well, I go out onto the stage. 375 00:13:36,288 --> 00:13:37,955 Curtain comes up. 376 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:40,174 And I think I see my dad there. 377 00:13:40,259 --> 00:13:41,341 Oh, my God. 378 00:13:41,427 --> 00:13:42,926 Yeah. At the same time 379 00:13:42,962 --> 00:13:45,629 that I'm scared out of my mind, 380 00:13:45,681 --> 00:13:47,681 I'm also weirdly trying to do 381 00:13:47,766 --> 00:13:49,633 the best performance I've ever given 382 00:13:49,685 --> 00:13:52,302 to please this man I barely know. 383 00:13:52,388 --> 00:13:54,771 And? 384 00:13:54,807 --> 00:13:57,307 And he left in the second act. 385 00:14:00,529 --> 00:14:01,812 ♪ I can't live... ♪ 386 00:14:01,864 --> 00:14:02,779 - No, this is me. - You take it. 387 00:14:02,815 --> 00:14:05,065 ♪ The love was gone ♪ 388 00:14:05,150 --> 00:14:06,867 ♪ Everything is nothing ♪ 389 00:14:06,952 --> 00:14:09,319 ♪ If you got no one ♪ 390 00:14:09,405 --> 00:14:11,788 ♪ And you keep walking the night ♪ 391 00:14:11,824 --> 00:14:14,825 ♪ Slowly losing sight of the real thing ♪ 392 00:14:14,877 --> 00:14:16,710 Mr. Joe Cocker, ladies and gentlemen. 393 00:14:16,795 --> 00:14:18,996 ♪ Yeah ♪ 394 00:14:19,048 --> 00:14:23,417 ♪ That won't happen to us and we got no doubt ♪ 395 00:14:23,502 --> 00:14:27,671 ♪ Too deep in love and we got no way out ♪ 396 00:14:27,756 --> 00:14:30,090 ♪ And the message is clear ♪ 397 00:14:30,175 --> 00:14:32,342 ♪ This could be the year ♪ 398 00:14:32,428 --> 00:14:34,061 - ♪ For the real thing ♪ - ♪ For the real thang ♪ 399 00:14:34,146 --> 00:14:35,979 The thang. 400 00:14:36,015 --> 00:14:38,899 - ♪ Oh, sail away with me ♪ - Take it. 401 00:14:38,984 --> 00:14:43,020 ♪ I'm Dolly Parton, and my titties are for real ♪ 402 00:14:43,072 --> 00:14:45,322 - Oh, not... not... - ♪ Yeah! ♪ 403 00:14:45,357 --> 00:14:47,658 ♪ Islands in the stream ♪ 404 00:14:47,693 --> 00:14:48,859 ♪ That is what we are ♪ 405 00:14:48,944 --> 00:14:49,944 Give me a little Sammy. 406 00:14:49,995 --> 00:14:51,361 ♪ No one in between ♪ 407 00:14:51,447 --> 00:14:52,663 ♪ No one in between ♪ 408 00:14:52,698 --> 00:14:54,865 ♪ How can we be wrong? ♪ 409 00:14:54,950 --> 00:14:55,866 ♪ Sail away with me ♪ 410 00:14:55,918 --> 00:14:57,200 ♪ Sail away ♪ 411 00:14:57,253 --> 00:14:58,168 ♪ To another world ♪ 412 00:14:58,203 --> 00:15:00,003 ♪ A world ♪ 413 00:15:00,039 --> 00:15:02,372 ♪ And we rely on each other ♪ 414 00:15:02,458 --> 00:15:04,041 ♪ Ah ha ♪ 415 00:15:04,126 --> 00:15:06,510 That was actually fun. 416 00:15:06,545 --> 00:15:09,263 Why do you sound so surprised? Don't sound that surprised. 417 00:15:09,348 --> 00:15:11,848 Because I am, I'm that surprised. 418 00:15:11,884 --> 00:15:13,884 Oh, my phone is dead. What time is it? 419 00:15:13,969 --> 00:15:16,720 Oh, suck on my raw dick. Are you kidding me? 420 00:15:16,772 --> 00:15:17,938 How can it be this late? 421 00:15:18,023 --> 00:15:19,222 - Shit! - Who are you? 422 00:15:19,308 --> 00:15:20,891 I gotta get home. I told my buddy 423 00:15:20,976 --> 00:15:23,443 that I would go to see his stand-up act in. 424 00:15:23,529 --> 00:15:25,145 It's a place called Comedy Living Room. 425 00:15:25,230 --> 00:15:26,563 It's literally his house, 426 00:15:26,615 --> 00:15:27,898 a bunch of people sitting on the floor. 427 00:15:27,950 --> 00:15:29,232 It's alternative. 428 00:15:29,285 --> 00:15:30,367 Alternative to comfort? 429 00:15:30,402 --> 00:15:31,402 You know what... 430 00:15:31,487 --> 00:15:32,487 What? 431 00:15:33,312 --> 00:15:34,905 You gotta go with me. 432 00:15:34,930 --> 00:15:35,572 Oh, no. 433 00:15:35,597 --> 00:15:39,389 Billy Crystal shows up, I will get laid in 2.5 seconds. 434 00:15:39,414 --> 00:15:41,531 - You're coming with me tonight. Yes. - No, no, no. 435 00:15:41,556 --> 00:15:43,805 - Whoa, whoa. *** and I'm gonna go home - *** 436 00:15:43,829 --> 00:15:47,039 You go there. It will blow people's mind 437 00:15:47,064 --> 00:15:49,803 Yes. you wanna see a bunch of 20-somethings' brains explode? 438 00:15:49,828 --> 00:15:50,721 No. 439 00:15:50,756 --> 00:15:53,090 Please. Please, Daddy. 440 00:15:53,175 --> 00:15:54,257 Oh, that's creepy. 441 00:15:54,310 --> 00:15:55,425 Daddy, I need this. 442 00:15:55,511 --> 00:15:56,593 Oh, Jesus Christ. 443 00:15:56,645 --> 00:15:58,123 You were never there for me. 444 00:15:58,148 --> 00:15:58,895 This is sick. 445 00:15:58,931 --> 00:16:00,263 You were never there for me, 446 00:16:00,316 --> 00:16:02,065 and now I'm asking for this one thing. 447 00:16:02,101 --> 00:16:04,267 This is sick. You are so weird that I can't say no. 448 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:05,936 Dada, please. 449 00:16:05,988 --> 00:16:07,321 I can't say no to... All right, we'll go. 450 00:16:07,406 --> 00:16:08,989 - Dada. - We'll go. 451 00:16:09,074 --> 00:16:10,440 We'll go, but just for a few minutes, okay? 452 00:16:10,492 --> 00:16:12,776 Awesome. 453 00:16:12,828 --> 00:16:14,277 Best dad ever. 454 00:16:19,918 --> 00:16:21,783 I feel like I'm doing a predator show. 455 00:16:21,808 --> 00:16:22,941 I had a friend that was a guest on that. 456 00:16:22,976 --> 00:16:24,847 Well, not a guest, he was caught. 457 00:16:24,872 --> 00:16:26,245 For you. 458 00:16:26,270 --> 00:16:27,887 Hey, guys, how are you? 459 00:16:27,912 --> 00:16:29,361 Hey, buddy, what's up? 460 00:16:33,339 --> 00:16:34,282 Billy Crystal. 461 00:16:34,307 --> 00:16:36,223 Oh, yeah. Of course. I know who you are. 462 00:16:36,248 --> 00:16:37,251 Right. There you go. 463 00:16:37,276 --> 00:16:37,782 In the flesh. 464 00:16:37,807 --> 00:16:39,930 I've seen, like, all your movies, Mr. Crystal. 465 00:16:39,955 --> 00:16:43,071 No "Mister," please. Because "Mister" is too formal 466 00:16:43,095 --> 00:16:45,095 So Billy... 467 00:16:45,119 --> 00:16:48,082 *** Mister is fine. 468 00:16:48,107 --> 00:16:51,329 Oh, it's amazing that you're here. 469 00:16:51,373 --> 00:16:53,040 I'm sorry. Can I offer you a drink? 470 00:16:53,125 --> 00:16:55,342 We've got, like, coke and JD. We got... 471 00:16:55,427 --> 00:16:57,177 I just wanna watch two comics. 472 00:16:57,263 --> 00:16:58,545 Then I wanna go. Thank you very much. 473 00:16:58,631 --> 00:17:00,347 I'll take a beer. 474 00:17:00,432 --> 00:17:02,633 Yeah, man, it's in the fridge. You used to do stand-up, right? 475 00:17:02,718 --> 00:17:04,768 Used to? Yeah, no, I still do. 476 00:17:04,803 --> 00:17:06,720 [bleep], shit, no. I can't believe it. I'm so sorry. 477 00:17:06,805 --> 00:17:08,138 Stop it. Just breathe. 478 00:17:08,190 --> 00:17:10,274 No, sorry. I just, um... 479 00:17:10,309 --> 00:17:13,226 You know, 'cause you've done so many movies and stuff. 480 00:17:13,312 --> 00:17:15,362 Anyway, what I was getting at was, like, do you... 481 00:17:15,447 --> 00:17:16,947 Do you have any interest in maybe doing, like, a quick set? 482 00:17:16,982 --> 00:17:18,782 Oh, no. 483 00:17:18,817 --> 00:17:21,068 In fact, you can go as long as you want. You can go all night. 484 00:17:21,153 --> 00:17:22,819 Oh, no, no, no. It wouldn't be fair to the other comics. 485 00:17:22,905 --> 00:17:24,488 Are you kidding me? We would remember it 486 00:17:24,540 --> 00:17:26,323 for the rest of our lives. 487 00:17:26,375 --> 00:17:27,991 I really don't do this. 488 00:17:30,879 --> 00:17:34,548 Show them what 2 /3 of a century can do. 489 00:17:34,633 --> 00:17:38,335 Well, we have a, um, kind of kind of a special guest. 490 00:17:38,420 --> 00:17:42,005 You might recognize him from being a comedy legend. 491 00:17:43,892 --> 00:17:46,510 Such small projects as When Harry Met Sally, 492 00:17:46,562 --> 00:17:48,762 Forget Paris, 493 00:17:48,847 --> 00:17:51,014 and The Princess [bleep] Bride. 494 00:17:51,100 --> 00:17:54,101 Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce to you 495 00:17:54,186 --> 00:17:56,320 Oscar winner... has he... He's won an Oscar. 496 00:17:56,355 --> 00:17:57,487 No. No. 497 00:17:57,523 --> 00:17:59,856 No, hosted a lot. 498 00:17:59,942 --> 00:18:02,159 Host. Host of the Oscars, guys... Billy Crystal! 499 00:18:06,081 --> 00:18:07,698 So awesome. Great to see you. 500 00:18:07,783 --> 00:18:10,450 Thank you. 501 00:18:10,536 --> 00:18:12,452 Thank you. Hey. 502 00:18:12,538 --> 00:18:13,656 How are you? Good. 503 00:18:13,681 --> 00:18:16,183 Well, this is, uh, really interesting. 504 00:18:16,208 --> 00:18:17,208 Please, sit down. 505 00:18:19,294 --> 00:18:21,712 You know, this is really cool, 'cause I started performing 506 00:18:21,764 --> 00:18:23,630 in my living room for my parents. 507 00:18:23,716 --> 00:18:25,132 So look how far I've come. 508 00:18:27,553 --> 00:18:30,187 I wanna thank Casey who, if you speak any faster, 509 00:18:30,222 --> 00:18:31,521 you'll go back in time. 510 00:18:33,475 --> 00:18:36,026 And amazingly high, I think, he's also at the moment. 511 00:18:36,061 --> 00:18:38,979 They told me glaucoma. It's glaucoma. 512 00:18:39,064 --> 00:18:41,448 But it's interesting being here to see you, 513 00:18:41,533 --> 00:18:43,700 you know, sitting down. 514 00:18:43,736 --> 00:18:46,119 It's pretty... See, when I was your age, 515 00:18:46,205 --> 00:18:49,239 this would be called a sit-in, you know. 516 00:18:49,291 --> 00:18:52,743 And we'd be protesting, you know, Vietnam or something. 517 00:18:52,828 --> 00:18:55,912 That was... that was the big one when I was your age. 518 00:18:55,964 --> 00:18:59,155 And now, I guess you're protesting lumbar support or something like that 519 00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:03,063 - Ha ha ha ha - Yeah, um... 520 00:19:03,702 --> 00:19:05,172 Why did I mention Vietnam? 521 00:19:05,257 --> 00:19:06,840 That's... You probably don't... Do you remember that war? 522 00:19:06,925 --> 00:19:09,426 That's the one that Forrest Gump fought in, you know. 523 00:19:09,511 --> 00:19:11,511 That's an amazing movie. 524 00:19:11,597 --> 00:19:13,397 There's one moment of that movie that always makes me laugh 525 00:19:13,432 --> 00:19:16,099 when... Tom was incredible... And it goes, 526 00:19:16,185 --> 00:19:18,518 Is he smart? 527 00:19:18,604 --> 00:19:22,177 You know what he's worried about? His son. 528 00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:24,085 So, yeah. 529 00:19:27,058 --> 00:19:29,892 Worst birthday ever. 530 00:19:30,416 --> 00:19:32,499 I thought it went pretty... 531 00:19:55,474 --> 00:19:57,641 Oh. 532 00:20:03,782 --> 00:20:06,032 Super nonstick, baby. 533 00:20:06,118 --> 00:20:08,702 I love it when you talk cookware to me. 534 00:20:12,825 --> 00:20:14,151 Oh, man. 535 00:20:14,176 --> 00:20:15,709 I'm sorry I didn't call. 536 00:20:16,299 --> 00:20:18,078 It was a rough night. My phone died, 537 00:20:18,163 --> 00:20:19,913 along with most of my will to live. 538 00:20:19,998 --> 00:20:21,498 Did you not go to the fund-raiser? 539 00:20:21,550 --> 00:20:23,383 I left early. 540 00:20:23,469 --> 00:20:24,828 Come on, you really think I'm gonna leave you alone 541 00:20:24,853 --> 00:20:25,938 on your birthday? 542 00:20:40,185 --> 00:20:41,234 Mm. 543 00:21:05,453 --> 00:21:07,318 - This is nice. - Come on, Josh. 544 00:21:07,343 --> 00:21:09,662 Maybe we'll have our own stairs one day. 545 00:21:09,687 --> 00:21:10,960 Yeah. 546 00:21:11,039 --> 00:21:13,873 Man, that's a lot of comedy. 547 00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:15,819 A lot of steps to do all that. 548 00:21:15,844 --> 00:21:18,452 Yeah. They did it with a piano. 549 00:21:18,477 --> 00:21:20,309 I'm doing it with uh, 550 00:21:20,334 --> 00:21:23,301 a 250-pound grand piano 551 00:21:23,326 --> 00:21:24,300 called a body. 552 00:21:25,687 --> 00:21:28,771 Whew, you're fit for your age. 553 00:21:28,796 --> 00:21:29,506 Yeah. 554 00:21:29,531 --> 00:21:32,224 I need to go see a nutritionist. 555 00:21:32,310 --> 00:21:34,149 I'm gonna let you take it in, 556 00:21:34,174 --> 00:21:36,180 'cause you should have your moment. 557 00:21:37,065 --> 00:21:38,865 And I'll be here. 558 00:21:39,150 --> 00:21:41,915 It's so beautiful. 559 00:21:47,977 --> 00:21:49,709 Are you still walking? 560 00:21:50,146 --> 00:21:56,265 - Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - akumenang.com