1
00:00:43,805 --> 00:00:45,922
(WHITE NOISE)

2
00:00:48,405 --> 00:00:50,522
(TAPE RECORDER CLICKS)

3
00:01:03,365 --> 00:01:06,654
JOHN: (RECORDING)
Hello. Testing, testing, testing...

4
00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:20,837
IMOGEN: (REC) Daddy, Daddy...

5
00:01:20,965 --> 00:01:21,955
(CHILD HUMS)

6
00:01:30,525 --> 00:01:32,198
(SUDDEN CLICK)

7
00:01:36,045 --> 00:01:38,765
JOHN: (REC) This is cassette one, track one.

8
00:01:38,885 --> 00:01:40,683
10th of July 1983.

9
00:01:41,965 --> 00:01:43,718
IMOGEN: (REC) Have we begun yet?

10
00:01:43,845 --> 00:01:46,679
JOHN: (REC)
Disembodied voices... 22nd February.

11
00:01:46,805 --> 00:01:49,274
Speaking out of nowhere... 1984.

12
00:01:49,405 --> 00:01:51,124
Disappearing into nowhere.

13
00:01:53,965 --> 00:01:56,560
MADGE: (REC)
Thank you very much for the tape.

14
00:01:56,685 --> 00:02:00,123
JOHN: (REC) Everything drifting away.
Waterlogged, immobile.

15
00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:02,362
IMOGEN: (REC) Hello and welcome to...

16
00:02:03,485 --> 00:02:04,441
(VOICES OVERLAP)

17
00:02:04,565 --> 00:02:07,285
JOHN: (REC)
A religious crisis... Down, down...

18
00:02:07,405 --> 00:02:09,476
Can't we just go back?

19
00:02:25,005 --> 00:02:27,042
JOHN: It's a long time ago, isn't it?

20
00:02:27,165 --> 00:02:28,281
MARILYN: Hmm...

21
00:02:33,045 --> 00:02:35,640
How difficult it is to remember the detail...

22
00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:39,205
(PENSIVE MUSIC)

23
00:02:44,125 --> 00:02:46,321
JOHN WHISPERS: Let's think...

24
00:02:48,405 --> 00:02:51,318
We were married on the 1st November

25
00:02:51,445 --> 00:02:52,674
'79.

26
00:02:54,325 --> 00:02:56,237
Well, you were driving, of course.

27
00:02:56,365 --> 00:02:59,358
MARILYN: Well, you certainly weren't driving!

28
00:02:59,485 --> 00:03:01,158
JOHN: We took off down to...

29
00:03:01,285 --> 00:03:04,722
- MARILYN: We got to Chichester.
- JOHN: Oh, that was it... Was it?

30
00:03:04,845 --> 00:03:08,600
- MARILYN: Where was our honeymoon?
- JOHN: The southern edge of the...

31
00:03:08,725 --> 00:03:11,877
- What was it called?
- MARILYN: Began with a C, Cirencester.

32
00:03:12,005 --> 00:03:14,520
JOHN: Ah! That was it, Cirencester.

33
00:03:14,645 --> 00:03:16,364
JOHN: That's a long way...

34
00:03:24,365 --> 00:03:25,924
MARILYN: That ghastly B&B!

35
00:03:26,045 --> 00:03:28,640
Was quite the worst place
we've ever stayed in.

36
00:03:28,765 --> 00:03:30,916
JOHN: I don't remember it being so bad.

37
00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:33,924
- MARILYN: The bed was covered in dust!
- JOHN: Yeah.

38
00:03:34,045 --> 00:03:36,480
- MARILYN: I'm sure there were bedbugs.
- JOHN: Well.

39
00:03:58,805 --> 00:04:01,240
Do you remember the way the tide came in?

40
00:04:03,765 --> 00:04:05,404
Right up the main street.

41
00:04:20,125 --> 00:04:22,276
(DREAMY MUSIC)

42
00:04:34,205 --> 00:04:37,243
It took the form of a... dark,

43
00:04:37,365 --> 00:04:38,845
black disc...

44
00:04:42,445 --> 00:04:46,883
which slowly progressed across
the field of vision.

45
00:04:50,605 --> 00:04:52,562
MARILYN: Went very quickly.

46
00:04:54,125 --> 00:04:55,537
(DOCTOR MOUTHS)

47
00:04:55,665 --> 00:04:59,954
JOHN: The doctor said
that the eye was so badly traumatised

48
00:05:00,085 --> 00:05:02,998
from previous surgery...

49
00:05:06,165 --> 00:05:10,045
"All we'll be able to do
is to preserve a little bit of sight."

50
00:05:13,365 --> 00:05:15,641
Of course, you never believe that.

51
00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:19,604
You keep on hoping.

52
00:05:19,725 --> 00:05:21,682
(FOREBODING MUSIC)

53
00:05:26,365 --> 00:05:28,925
MARILYN: That was the final eye operation.

54
00:05:29,045 --> 00:05:30,274
JOHN: Yes.

55
00:05:36,445 --> 00:05:38,516
(BABY MURMURS)

56
00:05:40,365 --> 00:05:44,075
MARILYN: You were just out of hospital
when Tom was born.

57
00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:48,201
MARILYN WHISPERS: He's smiling.

58
00:05:51,925 --> 00:05:53,678
He's smiling at you.

59
00:05:53,805 --> 00:05:55,603
(MUSIC FADES)

60
00:05:59,205 --> 00:06:00,400
(DOOR OPENS)

61
00:06:00,525 --> 00:06:02,005
(WISTFUL MUSIC)

62
00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:33,599
JOHN: I still had that little bit of vision.

63
00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:45,796
I would see a flicker of a shadow
across the window

64
00:06:45,925 --> 00:06:48,156
as you moved across it.

65
00:06:48,285 --> 00:06:50,641
MARILYN: Yeah.

66
00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:56,917
JOHN: If I stood underneath
the central light in the room,

67
00:06:57,045 --> 00:06:59,560
I could tell if it was on or off.

68
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,315
The stars had gone, the moon had gone.

69
00:07:09,365 --> 00:07:12,324
I must still be able to see the sun,
mustn't I?

70
00:07:14,925 --> 00:07:17,360
They didn't think it would last long.

71
00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:23,278
IMOGEN: (REC) Here we are again.

72
00:07:23,405 --> 00:07:27,194
Another part of Imogen Hull's tape.

73
00:07:27,325 --> 00:07:30,124
Er, side two. Now, then...

74
00:07:30,245 --> 00:07:31,759
JOHN: Imogen...

75
00:07:34,165 --> 00:07:35,724
She was thrilled, you know,

76
00:07:35,845 --> 00:07:38,724
as an older sister, having a little brother.

77
00:07:41,885 --> 00:07:44,798
I don't think she realised what was going on.

78
00:07:44,925 --> 00:07:47,235
(BABY CRIES IN DISTANCE)

79
00:07:47,365 --> 00:07:48,435
(MUSIC STOPS)

80
00:07:49,565 --> 00:07:52,683
MINISTER: (IN DISTANCE)
The little drop of the Father

81
00:07:52,805 --> 00:07:54,876
on thy little beloved forehead.

82
00:07:58,765 --> 00:08:00,836
The little drop of the Son

83
00:08:01,805 --> 00:08:04,001
on your forehead, beloved one.

84
00:08:06,125 --> 00:08:09,596
A little drop of the Spirit
on your forehead, beloved one.

85
00:08:09,725 --> 00:08:12,081
(BABY CRIES IN DISTANCE)

86
00:08:12,205 --> 00:08:15,755
JOHN: There was nobody much around
in the university.

87
00:08:15,885 --> 00:08:17,842
(WISTFUL MUSIC)

88
00:08:28,045 --> 00:08:30,355
I could hear one of my friends saying...

89
00:08:31,925 --> 00:08:35,043
"You know that John Hull's going
completely blind?"

90
00:08:39,805 --> 00:08:42,081
Stopping and hearing that.

91
00:08:42,205 --> 00:08:43,400
Ah!

92
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:51,358
Thoughts just came tumbling into my mind.

93
00:08:54,645 --> 00:08:56,955
What about my reading? My research?

94
00:08:58,685 --> 00:09:01,245
What about my teaching?

95
00:09:01,365 --> 00:09:02,845
How am I going to teach?

96
00:09:02,965 --> 00:09:05,799
How am I going to lecture? Without any notes!

97
00:09:08,725 --> 00:09:11,479
I went up to my office and sat there.

98
00:09:12,805 --> 00:09:15,525
The students will be here
in about five weeks.

99
00:09:18,165 --> 00:09:19,804
Now...

100
00:09:21,445 --> 00:09:23,164
How am I going to do this?

101
00:09:23,285 --> 00:09:24,560
(MUSIC STOPS)

102
00:09:25,485 --> 00:09:28,956
JOHN: A social worker told me about
all the things they could offer.

103
00:09:29,085 --> 00:09:32,476
MARILYN: Mmm. Your first white cane.

104
00:09:34,325 --> 00:09:37,921
JOHN: There were special
holiday homes for blind people.

105
00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:39,923
Maybe I'd like to have a dog and...

106
00:09:40,045 --> 00:09:43,038
MARILYN:
And she said, "You need a mobility course."

107
00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:46,158
JOHN: But I said, "No, I'm not doing that."

108
00:09:46,285 --> 00:09:48,083
I haven't got time!

109
00:09:49,445 --> 00:09:52,438
MARILYN:
Most people would have made the time.

110
00:09:52,605 --> 00:09:55,598
JOHN: I was just too busy
keeping up with everything.

111
00:09:56,605 --> 00:09:58,915
MARILYN: Well, you were also stubborn.

112
00:10:00,965 --> 00:10:02,479
(MUSIC ON RADIO)

113
00:10:03,525 --> 00:10:06,359
MARILYN:
You were, sort of, in furious denial.

114
00:10:11,325 --> 00:10:16,161
JOHN: The only thing I was interested in
was how to function as a blind academic.

115
00:10:16,285 --> 00:10:17,605
That, nobody knew.

116
00:10:17,725 --> 00:10:19,205
LIBRARIAN: We've got...

117
00:10:19,325 --> 00:10:20,805
The Long Surrender.

118
00:10:20,925 --> 00:10:23,156
Autumn Conquest.

119
00:10:23,285 --> 00:10:27,245
JOHN: I needed to have
serious books recorded sensibly.

120
00:10:28,285 --> 00:10:32,518
Uh... What about anthropology and sociology?

121
00:10:33,565 --> 00:10:36,717
All that was basically available
in the United Kingdom

122
00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:39,565
was detective novels and romantic fiction.

123
00:10:41,565 --> 00:10:45,445
Well, I'm interested in reading
contemporary social sciences.

124
00:10:47,165 --> 00:10:48,315
No, look,

125
00:10:48,445 --> 00:10:50,880
how do blind people read big books?

126
00:10:51,965 --> 00:10:53,957
They said, "They don't."

127
00:10:57,485 --> 00:10:59,204
Anyway, um, I'll sort it out,

128
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:01,237
so thanks for your advice.

129
00:11:01,365 --> 00:11:02,799
They don't.

130
00:11:06,245 --> 00:11:07,964
That was it.

131
00:11:12,845 --> 00:11:14,598
Now, I didn't buy that.

132
00:11:20,525 --> 00:11:22,676
I had a tape recorder, of course.

133
00:11:25,165 --> 00:11:26,565
I had cassettes.

134
00:11:29,325 --> 00:11:31,123
Is that the microphone? Yes.

135
00:11:32,285 --> 00:11:33,639
Is it on?

136
00:11:36,925 --> 00:11:39,121
That makes a difference, doesn't it?

137
00:11:39,245 --> 00:11:41,237
(HE CLEARS HIS THROAT)

138
00:11:41,365 --> 00:11:43,322
Testing, testing, testing...

139
00:11:44,405 --> 00:11:46,158
Today is Tuesday

140
00:11:46,285 --> 00:11:49,642
and I'm wondering if this machine
will record or not.

141
00:11:49,765 --> 00:11:51,324
(TAPE WHIRRS)

142
00:11:52,725 --> 00:11:55,160
JOHN: (REC) Testing, testing...

143
00:11:55,285 --> 00:11:56,765
Today is Tuesday

144
00:11:56,885 --> 00:12:00,401
and I'm wondering if this machine
will record or not.

145
00:12:00,525 --> 00:12:02,437
(UPLIFTING PIANO MUSIC)

146
00:12:02,565 --> 00:12:03,635
(CLICK)

147
00:12:05,445 --> 00:12:07,038
(MUFFLED VOICES READ ALOUD)

148
00:12:07,165 --> 00:12:10,317
JOHN: The first thing I did
was build up a team of people

149
00:12:10,445 --> 00:12:12,516
to record books for me.

150
00:12:14,445 --> 00:12:16,835
MARILYN: How did you get that going?

151
00:12:16,965 --> 00:12:19,400
JOHN: I can't quite remember,

152
00:12:19,525 --> 00:12:21,960
but it became an absolute business!

153
00:12:23,245 --> 00:12:26,079
I had up to 30 of them
working for me at one stage.

154
00:12:27,405 --> 00:12:29,840
The books would come back on cassettes.

155
00:12:31,165 --> 00:12:33,202
Hundred of cassettes.

156
00:12:34,405 --> 00:12:35,885
Hundreds!

157
00:12:37,765 --> 00:12:39,996
MARILYN: Yeah, that was transformative.

158
00:12:44,365 --> 00:12:46,800
JOHN MUTTERS: Down on this level. One...

159
00:12:48,085 --> 00:12:49,599
Two...

160
00:12:49,725 --> 00:12:50,761
Three...

161
00:12:50,885 --> 00:12:54,037
JOHN: I spent, I suppose,
the next two or three years

162
00:12:54,165 --> 00:12:56,361
learning all of those little tricks.

163
00:13:00,085 --> 00:13:02,839
With ingenuity and a little bit of help,

164
00:13:02,965 --> 00:13:05,685
there were problems that could be solved.

165
00:13:05,805 --> 00:13:09,321
JOHN: (REC) Meaning is an operation
with intentionality...

166
00:13:11,725 --> 00:13:15,321
JOHN: The truth is that although it was,
in a way, so devastating,

167
00:13:15,445 --> 00:13:17,084
I did enjoy it.

168
00:13:19,365 --> 00:13:21,721
I was entirely occupied.

169
00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:29,519
It wasn't until the final,

170
00:13:29,645 --> 00:13:32,035
tiny bit of light sensation

171
00:13:32,165 --> 00:13:34,361
slowly disappeared

172
00:13:34,485 --> 00:13:36,875
that my mood changed.

173
00:13:39,845 --> 00:13:41,074
(MUSIC FADES)

174
00:13:41,205 --> 00:13:42,844
(BELLS CHIME)

175
00:13:43,005 --> 00:13:44,485
(BIRDSONG)

176
00:13:48,325 --> 00:13:51,397
Remember that day in Shrewsbury

177
00:13:51,525 --> 00:13:53,278
when I caught a glimpse of a...

178
00:13:54,645 --> 00:13:57,001
- MARILYN: Of a church spire?
- JOHN: Yeah.

179
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:03,924
MARILYN:
I think that's the last thing you ever saw.

180
00:14:08,445 --> 00:14:10,516
JOHN: That's probably true.

181
00:14:35,565 --> 00:14:37,204
(HE BREATHES HEAVILY)

182
00:15:07,485 --> 00:15:08,601
(GRASS RUSTLES)

183
00:15:17,605 --> 00:15:18,721
THOMAS: Dad?

184
00:15:22,325 --> 00:15:23,759
JOHN: Hey?

185
00:15:25,565 --> 00:15:26,999
THOMAS: I had a dream.

186
00:15:28,365 --> 00:15:29,799
JOHN: You had a dream?

187
00:15:30,605 --> 00:15:32,005
THOMAS: I had a dream

188
00:15:32,125 --> 00:15:33,957
what I got some dinner,

189
00:15:34,085 --> 00:15:38,762
but it didn't have at all
very much nice stuff in it

190
00:15:38,885 --> 00:15:40,604
and I lost it again.

191
00:15:42,005 --> 00:15:43,598
JOHN: Wow...

192
00:15:44,765 --> 00:15:48,202
- Was that the end?
- THOMAS: And you were in it.

193
00:15:48,325 --> 00:15:50,760
JOHN: He's telling me about a dream he had.

194
00:15:50,885 --> 00:15:52,205
(MARILYN MURMURS)

195
00:15:55,965 --> 00:15:57,285
IMOGEN: (REC) Now...

196
00:15:57,405 --> 00:16:00,364
it will be cloudy, um,
throughout the evening.

197
00:16:00,485 --> 00:16:01,805
Er...

198
00:16:01,925 --> 00:16:04,235
and a big patch of wind on the,

199
00:16:04,365 --> 00:16:06,197
um, satellite picture

200
00:16:06,325 --> 00:16:08,396
just coming over and lots of...

201
00:16:08,525 --> 00:16:09,800
(CANE TAPS)

202
00:16:09,925 --> 00:16:11,279
(DREAMY MUSIC)

203
00:16:18,525 --> 00:16:19,800
JOHN: What now?

204
00:16:21,045 --> 00:16:22,445
What next?

205
00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:23,885
(CANE SWEEPS)

206
00:16:27,725 --> 00:16:30,081
I'd learnt how to lecture without notes.

207
00:16:32,485 --> 00:16:35,603
Learnt how to recognise
the students by their voices.

208
00:16:35,725 --> 00:16:36,954
(FAINT VOICES ECHO)

209
00:16:38,005 --> 00:16:41,521
The cassettes were pouring in faster
than I could read them.

210
00:16:42,565 --> 00:16:44,318
All of that was done.

211
00:16:49,645 --> 00:16:51,876
It was at that point

212
00:16:52,005 --> 00:16:53,155
I realised

213
00:16:55,205 --> 00:16:57,356
that I had to think about blindness

214
00:17:00,285 --> 00:17:03,164
because if I didn't understand it

215
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:08,118
it would defeat me.

216
00:17:37,965 --> 00:17:40,799
This is cassette one, track one.

217
00:17:45,005 --> 00:17:47,236
Notes on Blindness

218
00:17:47,365 --> 00:17:52,156
and this is the 21st of June,

219
00:17:52,285 --> 00:17:54,163
1983.

220
00:17:58,485 --> 00:18:00,283
(UNWORLDLY MUSIC)

221
00:18:04,885 --> 00:18:07,081
(MUTED LAUGHTER)

222
00:18:08,325 --> 00:18:11,523
JOHN: (REC)
After nearly three years of blindness,

223
00:18:11,645 --> 00:18:15,036
I find that the pictures

224
00:18:15,165 --> 00:18:17,122
in the gallery of my mind

225
00:18:17,245 --> 00:18:19,555
have dimmed somewhat.

226
00:18:19,685 --> 00:18:20,721
(MUTED TROMBONE)

227
00:18:20,845 --> 00:18:23,679
People and places I know and love so well.

228
00:18:25,565 --> 00:18:29,605
Memories of my early life spent in Australia.

229
00:18:34,365 --> 00:18:37,403
So I found with great distress

230
00:18:37,525 --> 00:18:39,881
that I could no longer remember easily

231
00:18:40,005 --> 00:18:41,883
what my wife looked like.

232
00:18:43,885 --> 00:18:47,003
Or what my daughter, Imogen, looked like.

233
00:18:50,645 --> 00:18:54,002
I found that memories of photographs

234
00:18:54,125 --> 00:18:56,959
were more easily recaptured.

235
00:19:04,445 --> 00:19:06,596
In the case of my daughter, Imogen,

236
00:19:06,725 --> 00:19:09,923
I have a wide range
of visual memories of her.

237
00:19:20,205 --> 00:19:22,765
Of Thomas, now nearly three,

238
00:19:22,885 --> 00:19:24,956
I have a few very vague impressions

239
00:19:25,085 --> 00:19:28,203
based upon the first six or nine months
of his life

240
00:19:28,325 --> 00:19:30,715
before I lost sight altogether.

241
00:19:36,645 --> 00:19:38,921
And of Elizabeth,

242
00:19:39,045 --> 00:19:42,356
I have no visual memories at all
and never have had.

243
00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:45,478
(TAPE SPOOLS)

244
00:19:46,885 --> 00:19:48,524
(KNOCK ON DOOR)

245
00:19:54,925 --> 00:19:56,518
Just a minute.

246
00:20:00,645 --> 00:20:02,841
I am concerned

247
00:20:04,525 --> 00:20:06,437
to understand blindness,

248
00:20:08,925 --> 00:20:10,757
to seek its meaning,

249
00:20:13,525 --> 00:20:17,041
to retain the fullness of my humanity.

250
00:20:31,925 --> 00:20:35,919
We need to know what kind of necessity is it.

251
00:20:36,045 --> 00:20:38,844
Is it a psychological necessity?

252
00:20:38,965 --> 00:20:40,479
Is it logical?

253
00:20:40,605 --> 00:20:42,995
Is it a historical necessity?

254
00:20:44,485 --> 00:20:45,839
(UNWORLDLY MUSIC)

255
00:20:45,965 --> 00:20:47,365
(MUFFLED VOICES)

256
00:20:48,725 --> 00:20:50,478
JOHN: (REC) A note on smiles.

257
00:20:52,045 --> 00:20:55,561
Nearly every time I smile,
I'm conscious of smiling.

258
00:20:56,925 --> 00:20:59,645
I mean, I'm conscious of the movement.

259
00:20:59,765 --> 00:21:02,644
Even, one might say, the effort of smiling.

260
00:21:05,085 --> 00:21:08,761
I think the reason is that
there is no returning smile.

261
00:21:10,365 --> 00:21:13,358
One never gets anything for one's own smiles.

262
00:21:15,325 --> 00:21:17,442
One is sending off dead letters.

263
00:21:19,125 --> 00:21:22,357
Consequently, I can feel myself
stopping smiling.

264
00:21:25,165 --> 00:21:27,077
Or I think I can.

265
00:21:27,205 --> 00:21:31,597
I must ask someone close to me
whether this is true or not.

266
00:21:52,725 --> 00:21:55,797
A note on Thomas' awareness of my blindness.

267
00:22:02,125 --> 00:22:05,323
TELEVISION:
He sadly wandered off into the mountains,

268
00:22:05,445 --> 00:22:08,961
knowing that he could never look into
the beautiful eyes

269
00:22:09,085 --> 00:22:10,758
of Rapunzel again.

270
00:22:10,885 --> 00:22:14,162
JOHN: (REC)
Thomas asked me, "Why was he blind?"

271
00:22:16,325 --> 00:22:18,635
"Because his eyes were poorly."

272
00:22:20,965 --> 00:22:22,285
"My eyes are poorly."

273
00:22:25,485 --> 00:22:29,081
He said to me in a very serious
and probing voice...

274
00:22:30,725 --> 00:22:32,284
"Are you blind?"

275
00:22:33,965 --> 00:22:35,399
"Yes, I am."

276
00:22:36,485 --> 00:22:38,238
"Your eyes are closed."

277
00:22:39,565 --> 00:22:42,876
"Yes, but even when I open my eyes,
I still can't see."

278
00:22:44,445 --> 00:22:46,482
"Can't you see the pictures?"

279
00:22:46,605 --> 00:22:49,120
"I can see the pictures."

280
00:22:49,245 --> 00:22:50,964
"Your eyes aren't poorly."

281
00:22:52,925 --> 00:22:55,963
I put my hand over his eyes
and held his eyes closed.

282
00:22:57,805 --> 00:22:59,762
"Now can you see?" I said.

283
00:22:59,885 --> 00:23:02,036
He said, "No."

284
00:23:02,165 --> 00:23:03,281
"Now?"

285
00:23:03,405 --> 00:23:05,124
"Yes, I can see now."

286
00:23:05,245 --> 00:23:06,998
"Yes, my eyes aren't poorly."

287
00:23:09,125 --> 00:23:12,436
I am reminded of being in Wales with Imogen,

288
00:23:12,565 --> 00:23:14,602
when she said to me...

289
00:23:16,005 --> 00:23:17,883
"Daddy,

290
00:23:18,005 --> 00:23:20,725
"if I cried and my tears fell on your eyes,

291
00:23:20,845 --> 00:23:22,962
"would you be able to see again?"

292
00:23:24,845 --> 00:23:27,917
This thought she had got, I'm sure,
from Rapunzel.

293
00:23:28,045 --> 00:23:31,322
TELEVISION:
And they lived happily ever after.

294
00:23:42,325 --> 00:23:45,238
JOHN: (REC) Cassette two, track one.

295
00:23:45,365 --> 00:23:48,437
A strange experience with a faith healer.

296
00:23:51,205 --> 00:23:52,878
On Thursday evening,

297
00:23:53,005 --> 00:23:56,282
we stopped at the Indian restaurant
in Bristol Street.

298
00:23:56,405 --> 00:24:00,365
MARILYN: Isn't this a wonderful example
of what it's like to be a parent?

299
00:24:00,485 --> 00:24:04,274
MAN:
I hope everything is to your satisfaction.

300
00:24:04,405 --> 00:24:05,839
May I?

301
00:24:05,965 --> 00:24:09,800
JOHN: (REC) I took him to be a waiter
who worked in the restaurant.

302
00:24:10,805 --> 00:24:13,798
He asked me if I was completely blind,

303
00:24:15,645 --> 00:24:17,921
how long I had been blind,

304
00:24:18,045 --> 00:24:20,605
the cause of my blindness was.

305
00:24:20,725 --> 00:24:22,478
JOHN: Well, um,

306
00:24:22,605 --> 00:24:24,517
in one way or another, I suppose,

307
00:24:24,645 --> 00:24:28,559
I've been fighting against blindness
most of my life.

308
00:24:29,525 --> 00:24:31,084
MAN: Please, go on...

309
00:24:31,205 --> 00:24:32,958
JOHN: Er...

310
00:24:33,085 --> 00:24:34,599
when I was a child,

311
00:24:34,725 --> 00:24:37,718
I lost my sight for the first time.

312
00:24:37,845 --> 00:24:40,360
I've had all sorts of operations

313
00:24:40,485 --> 00:24:43,717
and gradually sight simply faded away.

314
00:24:45,805 --> 00:24:47,000
Why do you ask?

315
00:24:47,125 --> 00:24:49,276
MAN: And now you see nothing?

316
00:24:50,565 --> 00:24:51,760
JOHN: Nothing.

317
00:24:51,885 --> 00:24:53,638
I don't see anything now.

318
00:24:53,765 --> 00:24:56,405
MAN: And, yet, you still wear glasses?

319
00:24:58,125 --> 00:25:00,162
JOHN: Silly, really, isn't it?

320
00:25:00,285 --> 00:25:03,084
I'd feel rather undressed without my glasses.

321
00:25:05,285 --> 00:25:09,279
MAN: Tell me, do you still hope
that you will see again?

322
00:25:09,405 --> 00:25:11,795
JOHN: No, I don't hold out hope.

323
00:25:11,925 --> 00:25:14,724
The doctors have told me
it's quite impossible.

324
00:25:16,165 --> 00:25:17,838
MAN: And you believe them?

325
00:25:19,605 --> 00:25:24,634
JOHN: (REC) He told me about some of the
marvellous cures he'd done, even cancer.

326
00:25:24,765 --> 00:25:27,519
My sight is dependent on my will

327
00:25:27,645 --> 00:25:30,080
and he, through hypnotherapy,

328
00:25:30,205 --> 00:25:31,958
could help to restore my will.

329
00:25:33,605 --> 00:25:35,119
JOHN: I see.

330
00:25:36,325 --> 00:25:39,443
Could you restore a leg lost
in a traffic accident?

331
00:25:40,525 --> 00:25:43,165
MAN: You have no eyes? Are they gone?

332
00:25:49,725 --> 00:25:51,921
JOHN: It's just a mass of jelly.

333
00:25:54,525 --> 00:25:56,721
Willpower cannot restore it.

334
00:25:59,805 --> 00:26:01,762
MARILYN: He was speechless!

335
00:26:01,885 --> 00:26:04,161
He was absolutely speechless!

336
00:26:04,285 --> 00:26:07,039
LIZ:
But, John, do you think it's got to the point

337
00:26:07,165 --> 00:26:10,283
where you don't really want to
get your sight back?

338
00:26:10,405 --> 00:26:12,522
JOHN: What makes you say that?

339
00:26:12,645 --> 00:26:15,035
LIZ: Well, you always seem to be so happy.

340
00:26:15,165 --> 00:26:17,441
You seem to be functioning so well.

341
00:26:20,365 --> 00:26:21,799
JOHN: (REC) Oh, Liz.

342
00:26:22,765 --> 00:26:24,882
If only you knew half the truth.

343
00:26:25,005 --> 00:26:26,519
(TAPE SPOOLS)

344
00:26:26,645 --> 00:26:28,682
Of course I want my sight back.

345
00:26:30,085 --> 00:26:31,724
I will never accept

346
00:26:33,125 --> 00:26:35,037
the human losses of blindness.

347
00:26:39,325 --> 00:26:40,998
(GRASS RUSTLES)

348
00:26:56,565 --> 00:26:58,841
JOHN: (REC) Every time I wake up,

349
00:26:58,965 --> 00:27:00,957
I lose my sight.

350
00:27:06,645 --> 00:27:09,638
Last night, I dreamt that my sight improved.

351
00:27:12,685 --> 00:27:16,759
I had the most intense picture of Thomas

352
00:27:16,885 --> 00:27:19,764
as a cuddly, little boy.

353
00:27:21,845 --> 00:27:24,155
In my dream I said to myself,

354
00:27:24,285 --> 00:27:26,083
"There you are, you see.

355
00:27:26,205 --> 00:27:29,915
"In good light, you can still manage
fairly well."

356
00:27:38,125 --> 00:27:42,085
My waking reflection is that my dreaming life

357
00:27:42,205 --> 00:27:43,958
is still denying the reality.

358
00:27:47,965 --> 00:27:50,525
RADIO:
...heavy swell breaking onto the rocks.

359
00:27:50,645 --> 00:27:52,204
Five were swept into the sea,

360
00:27:52,325 --> 00:27:54,681
three from one group, and two from another.

361
00:27:54,805 --> 00:27:58,560
Sennen and Penlee lifeboats
were called to search as dusk gathered.

362
00:27:58,685 --> 00:28:02,838
The Royal Navy helicopter from Culdrose
flew back and forth across the sea.

363
00:28:02,965 --> 00:28:04,638
(IMOGEN SINGS)

364
00:28:10,765 --> 00:28:12,836
JOHN: (REC) That's page 104.

365
00:28:12,965 --> 00:28:16,356
My comments... this text
is an interesting example in the Bible

366
00:28:16,485 --> 00:28:19,444
of the limitations of a theology of vision.

367
00:28:21,925 --> 00:28:23,962
IMOGEN: (REC) Give us an H.

368
00:28:24,085 --> 00:28:25,439
Give us an A.

369
00:28:25,565 --> 00:28:26,999
Give us a P.

370
00:28:27,125 --> 00:28:28,605
Give us another P.

371
00:28:28,725 --> 00:28:30,125
Give us a Y...

372
00:28:30,245 --> 00:28:32,714
- Happy Xmas!
- (HE LAUGHS)

373
00:28:32,845 --> 00:28:34,723
Because now it's party time!

374
00:28:35,725 --> 00:28:38,240
(IMOGEN SINGS JINGLE BELLS TUNE)

375
00:28:40,245 --> 00:28:41,599
JOHN: Immy!

376
00:28:42,765 --> 00:28:44,484
Come here for a minute!

377
00:28:44,605 --> 00:28:46,244
(SINGING CONTINUES)

378
00:28:47,845 --> 00:28:50,917
MARILYN: (REC)
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, look what I found!

379
00:28:51,045 --> 00:28:52,843
Another one of these.

380
00:28:54,045 --> 00:28:56,276
What's this, Tom?

381
00:28:56,405 --> 00:28:57,885
Oh, I know what this is.

382
00:28:58,005 --> 00:28:59,280
THOMAS: (REC) What?

383
00:28:59,405 --> 00:29:01,874
MARILYN: (REC) When you hold it in the light,

384
00:29:02,005 --> 00:29:05,760
you can see all the colours
really brightly. It's beautiful, look.

385
00:29:05,885 --> 00:29:07,399
Oh, that's nice!

386
00:29:09,605 --> 00:29:13,679
JOHN: What I remember about you
most vividly in those years

387
00:29:13,805 --> 00:29:15,922
was your amazing practicality.

388
00:29:17,165 --> 00:29:19,600
You never expressed regrets.

389
00:29:19,725 --> 00:29:21,956
You just got on with the next thing,

390
00:29:22,085 --> 00:29:23,883
step by step.

391
00:29:25,685 --> 00:29:29,395
The way you did that,
I always thought was quite incredible.

392
00:29:31,405 --> 00:29:34,557
MUSIC: Dedicated To The One I Love
by The Mamas & The Papas

393
00:29:34,685 --> 00:29:37,644
# While I'm far away from you, my baby. #

394
00:29:37,765 --> 00:29:41,441
MARILYN: Would you take Imagine
by John Lennon? An obvious choice.

395
00:29:41,565 --> 00:29:44,319
JOHN:
No. Dylan, you'd surely want to take Dylan?

396
00:29:44,445 --> 00:29:48,405
MARILYN: Well, I know,
but there one is completely stuck.

397
00:29:48,525 --> 00:29:50,994
I know what you'd take
and what we'd both take!

398
00:29:51,125 --> 00:29:53,276
- JOHN: What?
- MARILYN: Jacqueline Du Pre

399
00:29:53,405 --> 00:29:56,443
- playing Elgar's Cello... whatsit?
- JOHN: Yes!

400
00:29:56,565 --> 00:29:59,444
- BOTH: There you are.
- MARILYN: I think we've got one.

401
00:30:01,685 --> 00:30:07,522
# Each night before you go to bed, my baby

402
00:30:08,525 --> 00:30:14,442
# Whisper a little prayer for me, my baby

403
00:30:15,365 --> 00:30:21,157
# And tell all the stars above

404
00:30:22,045 --> 00:30:24,560
# This is dedicated to the one I...

405
00:30:24,685 --> 00:30:25,675
# Love...

406
00:30:25,805 --> 00:30:31,517
FAINTLY: # Can never be
exactly like we want it to be

407
00:30:31,645 --> 00:30:36,401
# Love can never be
exactly like we want it to be... #

408
00:30:36,525 --> 00:30:38,244
(WATER DRIPS)

409
00:30:38,365 --> 00:30:41,199
# Love can never be... #

410
00:30:41,325 --> 00:30:42,839
(MUSIC AND DRIPS MERGE)

411
00:30:46,365 --> 00:30:48,243
(DISTANT SIREN)

412
00:30:49,725 --> 00:30:51,523
(DRIPS AND SIREN INTENSIFY)

413
00:31:07,525 --> 00:31:09,721
(SIREN AND CRASHING WAVES MERGE)

414
00:31:22,005 --> 00:31:24,156
(UNDERWATER ECHOES)

415
00:31:30,965 --> 00:31:34,276
JOHN: (REC) A huge wave crashed down,
separating us all.

416
00:31:37,805 --> 00:31:42,755
There was a debris of
floating merchandise and dead bodies.

417
00:31:44,885 --> 00:31:49,004
I searched for them everywhere
in despair and found nothing.

418
00:31:53,125 --> 00:31:56,482
It was hopeless, they'd simply disappeared.

419
00:32:06,605 --> 00:32:08,722
(DISTANT WAVES)

420
00:32:14,965 --> 00:32:16,115
(MOURNFUL MUSIC)

421
00:32:21,445 --> 00:32:23,880
JOHN: (REC) Somebody had reminded me

422
00:32:24,005 --> 00:32:26,964
that part of the human brain

423
00:32:27,085 --> 00:32:29,759
specialises in the reception

424
00:32:29,885 --> 00:32:33,117
and processing of visual material.

425
00:32:37,765 --> 00:32:41,759
Now I would like to know what happens
to that part of the brain

426
00:32:41,885 --> 00:32:44,445
when optic stimulation ceases.

427
00:32:48,685 --> 00:32:52,361
Could this perhaps account
for the sense of suffering

428
00:32:52,485 --> 00:32:55,398
I have experienced over the past year or two?

429
00:32:59,765 --> 00:33:04,999
The feeling I am describing
is a sense of hunger, of aridity.

430
00:33:09,845 --> 00:33:14,840
A feeling that one's brain longs for
optic stimulation,

431
00:33:14,965 --> 00:33:17,799
as the body longs for food.

432
00:33:22,685 --> 00:33:26,804
The brain itself thirsts for that
to which it is accustomed.

433
00:33:33,325 --> 00:33:35,840
Part of my brain is dying.

434
00:33:43,325 --> 00:33:45,635
JOHN: (REC) Say Merry Christmas to Mummy.

435
00:33:45,765 --> 00:33:47,916
THOMAS: (REC) Merry Christmas, Mummy!

436
00:33:48,045 --> 00:33:52,597
MARILYN: (REC) Merry Christmas,
sweetheart. Let's have a Christmas kiss.

437
00:33:52,725 --> 00:33:55,957
What's that? My word!

438
00:33:56,085 --> 00:33:58,122
JOHN: (REC) What is it, Tom?

439
00:33:58,245 --> 00:34:00,237
(CHORAL MUSIC)

440
00:34:00,365 --> 00:34:02,038
What is this?

441
00:34:02,165 --> 00:34:05,715
- TOM: (REC) A mouth organ.
- JOHN: (REC) Good Lord!

442
00:34:05,845 --> 00:34:08,883
JOHN:
That particular Christmas was the worst.

443
00:34:09,005 --> 00:34:12,999
- THOMAS: (REC) Dad, look at these.
- JOHN: (REC) What is it?

444
00:34:13,125 --> 00:34:14,115
What is it?

445
00:34:14,245 --> 00:34:17,682
THOMAS: (REC) I don't know.
I think it's probably bubble bath.

446
00:34:17,805 --> 00:34:20,479
JOHN: (REC)
Father Christmas must have smelt you

447
00:34:20,605 --> 00:34:22,995
all the way from the North Pole.

448
00:34:24,125 --> 00:34:26,003
JOHN: I was stuck.

449
00:34:27,645 --> 00:34:29,876
You know, I couldn't get up and leave.

450
00:34:30,005 --> 00:34:31,234
(CHILDREN CHATTER)

451
00:34:31,365 --> 00:34:33,482
How could I walk out on Christmas Day?

452
00:34:34,725 --> 00:34:36,876
- MARILYN: No...
- JOHN: You know?

453
00:34:37,005 --> 00:34:39,201
But I couldn't stay, either.

454
00:34:39,325 --> 00:34:42,443
THOMAS: (REC)
Wait for me. How do I look in these?

455
00:34:42,565 --> 00:34:46,400
MARILYN: (REC) You look terrific!
Did Father Christmas leave those?

456
00:34:46,525 --> 00:34:48,482
- Are they comfy?
- THOMAS: (REC) Yeah.

457
00:34:48,605 --> 00:34:50,244
MARILYN: (REC) Are they warm?

458
00:34:50,365 --> 00:34:52,834
- THOMAS: (REC) Yeah.
- MARILYN: (REC) Are they?

459
00:34:52,965 --> 00:34:55,639
JOHN: (REC) What colour are they?

460
00:34:55,765 --> 00:34:58,075
MARILYN: (REC) Ever so nice, aren't they?

461
00:34:58,205 --> 00:35:00,083
JOHN: (REC) Are they a good fit?

462
00:35:00,205 --> 00:35:03,277
MARILYN: (REC) Special winter slippers.

463
00:35:03,405 --> 00:35:05,556
Go and look at yourself in the mirror.

464
00:35:20,205 --> 00:35:22,674
JOHN:
That was when you came up to me and said,

465
00:35:22,805 --> 00:35:25,877
"You look dreadful.
Why don't you go into the office?"

466
00:35:28,565 --> 00:35:31,125
MARILYN: Just go to work.

467
00:35:31,245 --> 00:35:33,476
Just go.

468
00:35:35,445 --> 00:35:37,323
(GLOCKENSPIEL CHIMES)

469
00:35:39,165 --> 00:35:41,122
(CHILDREN CHATTER)

470
00:35:49,045 --> 00:35:50,320
(DOOR CLOSES)

471
00:35:59,485 --> 00:36:01,442
(WIND CRACKLES)

472
00:36:07,365 --> 00:36:10,802
JOHN: (REC) I had a desperate feeling
of being enclosed.

473
00:36:11,965 --> 00:36:14,560
Having to get out. I must get out.

474
00:36:17,725 --> 00:36:19,364
(WIND HOWLS)

475
00:36:19,485 --> 00:36:21,920
I had only gone about a hundred yards

476
00:36:22,045 --> 00:36:27,200
when I was aware of a growing feeling
of doubt and uncertainty.

477
00:36:32,245 --> 00:36:34,680
I was intensely aware of the fact

478
00:36:34,805 --> 00:36:37,036
that I was going through nothing.

479
00:36:39,365 --> 00:36:41,641
Through an intensely cold nothing.

480
00:36:43,165 --> 00:36:45,122
Of going nowhere.

481
00:36:46,325 --> 00:36:48,123
Of being entirely alone.

482
00:36:55,885 --> 00:36:59,037
I turned around and walked back to the house.

483
00:37:01,765 --> 00:37:03,802
DISTANT PIANO: Away In A Manger

484
00:37:14,405 --> 00:37:16,715
I felt as if I was banging my head,

485
00:37:16,845 --> 00:37:19,644
my whole body, against the wall of blindness.

486
00:37:22,485 --> 00:37:25,159
A desperate need to break through
this curtain,

487
00:37:25,285 --> 00:37:28,323
this veil which was surrounding me,

488
00:37:28,445 --> 00:37:31,756
to come out into the world
of light out there.

489
00:37:42,885 --> 00:37:45,320
How could this happen to me?

490
00:37:47,285 --> 00:37:49,561
Who could ask me to go through this?

491
00:37:51,765 --> 00:37:56,360
Who had the right to deprive me of the
sight of my children at Christmas time?

492
00:37:56,485 --> 00:37:58,158
(UNWORLDLY MUSIC)

493
00:37:58,285 --> 00:38:00,402
(MECHANICAL RATTLE)

494
00:38:02,685 --> 00:38:05,803
The image that often haunted me

495
00:38:05,925 --> 00:38:08,645
during the early days of my blindness

496
00:38:08,765 --> 00:38:11,234
came back to me with such force.

497
00:38:12,645 --> 00:38:16,434
I was in a little coal truck in a mineshaft,

498
00:38:16,565 --> 00:38:19,763
being trundled deeper and deeper
into the mine.

499
00:38:23,285 --> 00:38:25,436
Were we just out of control?

500
00:38:25,565 --> 00:38:28,034
Was there nobody in a position to stop it?

501
00:38:28,165 --> 00:38:30,077
Would it just go on and on?

502
00:38:30,205 --> 00:38:33,039
I had to get out, I had to jump out,
I had to run back.

503
00:38:33,165 --> 00:38:34,565
But, no,

504
00:38:34,685 --> 00:38:38,759
it remorselessly carried me in deeper
and deeper and deeper.

505
00:38:38,885 --> 00:38:40,478
(RATTLING DEEPENS)

506
00:38:50,605 --> 00:38:52,597
(MUSIC FADES)

507
00:38:52,725 --> 00:38:53,920
(WISTFUL MUSIC)

508
00:39:04,725 --> 00:39:08,685
MARILYN: I think this idea of you
going away into another world

509
00:39:08,805 --> 00:39:11,240
where I couldn't be was...

510
00:39:11,365 --> 00:39:13,243
That was awful, that was...

511
00:39:21,965 --> 00:39:25,720
Shall I scratch my eyes out?
Shall I come with you into this world?

512
00:39:30,325 --> 00:39:34,604
JOHN: (REC) I somehow feel
that if I were to accept this thing

513
00:39:34,725 --> 00:39:38,162
if I were to enter into acquiescence,

514
00:39:38,285 --> 00:39:40,083
then I would die...

515
00:39:43,965 --> 00:39:47,276
because it would be as if my ability
to resist,

516
00:39:47,405 --> 00:39:49,601
my will to resist, were broken.

517
00:39:49,725 --> 00:39:51,079
(FOOTSTEPS)

518
00:39:56,885 --> 00:40:01,676
On the other hand,
not to accept seems futile,

519
00:40:01,805 --> 00:40:05,435
because what one is refusing to accept

520
00:40:05,565 --> 00:40:07,204
is a fact.

521
00:40:12,645 --> 00:40:15,717
And now what I have to face is

522
00:40:17,605 --> 00:40:19,995
the thought that there is no escape.

523
00:40:21,765 --> 00:40:24,280
The thought that I shall now just go on

524
00:40:25,525 --> 00:40:28,836
with another 20,
30 or even more years of this.

525
00:40:37,645 --> 00:40:39,204
(CLICK)

526
00:40:52,725 --> 00:40:54,682
(INSPIRING PIANO MUSIC)

527
00:40:54,805 --> 00:40:58,355
JOHN: (REC)
One fights back by adopting tiny techniques.

528
00:41:00,885 --> 00:41:02,877
Familiarity, predictability,

529
00:41:03,005 --> 00:41:06,476
the same objects,
the same little movements of the hand.

530
00:41:10,165 --> 00:41:13,317
One has to establish
some kind of environment,

531
00:41:13,445 --> 00:41:16,438
a study, a room, a route, a passage,

532
00:41:16,565 --> 00:41:19,763
over which one can establish
some kind of territory.

533
00:41:25,205 --> 00:41:27,197
I am not particularly conscious

534
00:41:27,325 --> 00:41:29,317
of being blind while I'm at work.

535
00:41:30,485 --> 00:41:33,842
When I'm at work, all my students
have to come into my world

536
00:41:33,965 --> 00:41:36,241
of ideas and concepts and language.

537
00:41:37,005 --> 00:41:41,397
JOHN: OK, let's start with the very
oldest or most ancient of these.

538
00:41:41,525 --> 00:41:44,836
That's the very first conflict, faith.

539
00:41:44,965 --> 00:41:47,844
JOHN: (REC)
The essence of the thing is planning,

540
00:41:47,965 --> 00:41:50,639
initiatives, and active participation.

541
00:41:50,765 --> 00:41:52,119
(LECTURE CONTINUES)

542
00:41:52,245 --> 00:41:55,716
The moment
I sink into passivity and irrelevance...

543
00:41:55,845 --> 00:41:57,325
then I'm done for.

544
00:41:57,445 --> 00:41:58,515
(MUSIC FADES)

545
00:41:58,645 --> 00:41:59,715
(CLICK)

546
00:42:00,765 --> 00:42:03,803
IMOGEN: (REC)
Tomorrow it'll be reasonably sunny,

547
00:42:03,925 --> 00:42:07,362
reasonably cold, reasonably hot,
reasonably everything.

548
00:42:07,485 --> 00:42:09,716
In fact, I don't know at all!

549
00:42:09,845 --> 00:42:11,962
And that is the end of the news.

550
00:42:12,085 --> 00:42:13,883
Dong! Dong! Dong!

551
00:42:26,845 --> 00:42:28,916
(DOOR OPENS)

552
00:42:29,045 --> 00:42:30,638
(RAIN PATTERS)

553
00:42:38,525 --> 00:42:42,314
JOHN: (REC) A note on the experience
of hearing rain falling.

554
00:42:42,445 --> 00:42:44,004
(UNWORLDLY MUSIC)

555
00:42:47,445 --> 00:42:51,758
This evening, I came out the front door
of the house and it was raining.

556
00:42:55,765 --> 00:42:59,042
I stood for a few minutes,
lost in the beauty of it.

557
00:43:01,765 --> 00:43:04,837
Rain brings out the contours

558
00:43:04,965 --> 00:43:07,480
of what's around you...

559
00:43:09,485 --> 00:43:13,365
in that it introduces a blanket

560
00:43:13,485 --> 00:43:17,877
of differentiated and specialised sound...

561
00:43:20,285 --> 00:43:23,596
which fills the whole
of the audible environment.

562
00:43:24,845 --> 00:43:26,837
(RAINDROPS BEAT)

563
00:43:34,685 --> 00:43:36,836
(RAINDROPS TRICKLE)

564
00:43:39,565 --> 00:43:41,602
(RAIN POURS)

565
00:43:49,405 --> 00:43:53,558
If only there could be something
equivalent to rain falling inside.

566
00:43:56,525 --> 00:44:01,316
Then the whole of a room would take on
shape and dimension...

567
00:44:05,765 --> 00:44:08,997
instead of being isolated, cut off,

568
00:44:09,125 --> 00:44:11,765
pre-occupied internally.

569
00:44:13,125 --> 00:44:15,162
You're presented with a world.

570
00:44:18,765 --> 00:44:21,678
You are related to a world.

571
00:44:21,805 --> 00:44:24,081
You are addressed by a world.

572
00:44:28,325 --> 00:44:30,521
(RAIN DROPS RESEMBLE MUSICAL NOTES)

573
00:44:30,645 --> 00:44:34,798
Why should this experience
strike one as being beautiful?

574
00:44:37,085 --> 00:44:38,997
Cognition is beautiful.

575
00:44:40,045 --> 00:44:42,082
It is beautiful to know.

576
00:44:42,205 --> 00:44:43,719
(MUSIC FADES)

577
00:44:50,885 --> 00:44:53,241
MADGE: (REC) Well, I must thank you again

578
00:44:53,365 --> 00:44:54,640
for your tape,

579
00:44:54,765 --> 00:44:56,484
from all of you.

580
00:44:56,605 --> 00:44:59,074
From you, Thomas, and Lizzie,

581
00:44:59,205 --> 00:45:00,719
and Imogen, too.

582
00:45:00,845 --> 00:45:04,122
How are you getting along?
We'd love to see you sometime.

583
00:45:05,165 --> 00:45:07,999
We don't realise how the time passes.

584
00:45:09,365 --> 00:45:11,038
Anyhow, thank you again.

585
00:45:11,165 --> 00:45:14,636
I hope you'll have the time
to come out here to see us.

586
00:45:20,805 --> 00:45:23,240
IMOGEN: (REC) Hello, Grandpa and Grandma,

587
00:45:23,365 --> 00:45:26,142
I hope you're fine,
cos we're having a wonderful time here.

588
00:45:26,265 --> 00:45:29,644
Do send love to all the other relatives
in Australia.

589
00:45:29,765 --> 00:45:31,518
(GLOCKENSPIEL CHIMES)

590
00:45:32,525 --> 00:45:35,677
IMOGEN:
Now, it's time for the morning concert.

591
00:45:36,485 --> 00:45:38,397
(COUNTS UNDER HER BREATH)

592
00:45:38,525 --> 00:45:43,042
# Sparkle, evening star, I see you there

593
00:45:43,165 --> 00:45:44,724
(TAMBOURINE PLAYS IN TIME)

594
00:45:44,845 --> 00:45:49,795
# High above our land, you sit and stare

595
00:45:50,725 --> 00:45:53,399
# Star bright

596
00:45:53,525 --> 00:45:56,040
# Gleaming white

597
00:45:56,205 --> 00:46:02,202
# I wonder if you hear my song tonight. #

598
00:46:02,325 --> 00:46:03,918
(BABY GURGLES)

599
00:46:05,045 --> 00:46:06,161
JOHN: Beautiful.

600
00:46:06,285 --> 00:46:09,164
MARILYN:
That was good, Immy, worked quite well.

601
00:46:10,205 --> 00:46:11,764
(TAPE WHIRRS)

602
00:46:12,845 --> 00:46:15,644
THOMAS: I've got one of them!

603
00:46:15,765 --> 00:46:17,279
JOHN: (REC) Beautiful.

604
00:46:17,405 --> 00:46:20,682
MARILYN: (REC)
That was good, Immy, worked quite well.

605
00:46:23,685 --> 00:46:25,244
JOHN: Well, Mum and Dad,

606
00:46:25,365 --> 00:46:29,279
I hope you enjoy that as an authentic
bit of children's production!

607
00:46:31,205 --> 00:46:33,436
I should perhaps also add

608
00:46:33,565 --> 00:46:36,160
we will not be able to come to Australia...

609
00:46:38,525 --> 00:46:42,804
because I do feel that the lack of
mobility and of activity

610
00:46:44,525 --> 00:46:47,563
would be difficult for me to put up with.

611
00:46:51,005 --> 00:46:53,042
(CHILDREN PLAY IN BACKGROUND)

612
00:46:53,765 --> 00:46:55,802
I'm sure you'll understand that.

613
00:46:55,925 --> 00:46:57,803
(CHILDREN GET LOUDER)

614
00:47:01,245 --> 00:47:03,123
THOMAS: Mummy!

615
00:47:04,965 --> 00:47:07,764
JOHN: Well, I must stop now
and get this off to you.

616
00:47:07,885 --> 00:47:10,719
Lots of love to all of you, from all
of us. Bye now.

617
00:47:25,525 --> 00:47:27,596
JOHN: Read on.

618
00:47:28,885 --> 00:47:31,081
THOMAS: "The grass and the plants

619
00:47:31,205 --> 00:47:33,436
"and it was..."

620
00:47:33,565 --> 00:47:36,034
What does that little sign mean?

621
00:47:36,165 --> 00:47:38,396
JOHN: Do it again on my hand.

622
00:47:38,525 --> 00:47:39,845
THOMAS: It's going...

623
00:47:41,005 --> 00:47:42,075
with a...

624
00:47:42,205 --> 00:47:43,798
JOHN: Like this?

625
00:47:44,965 --> 00:47:46,240
THOMAS: Yeah.

626
00:47:47,405 --> 00:47:48,680
JOHN: It's a comma.

627
00:47:48,805 --> 00:47:51,365
- THOMAS: What does that mean?
- JOHN: A pause.

628
00:47:51,485 --> 00:47:54,080
- THOMAS: Oh.
- JOHN: Where does it have it?

629
00:47:55,685 --> 00:47:58,120
JOHN: (REC) One night, putting Thomas to bed,

630
00:47:58,245 --> 00:48:00,919
I had a long and detailed discussion with him

631
00:48:01,045 --> 00:48:02,764
about my blindness.

632
00:48:04,085 --> 00:48:06,361
"Will you always be blind?" he said.

633
00:48:07,485 --> 00:48:09,238
"Yes, always."

634
00:48:10,645 --> 00:48:12,876
"Couldn't the doctors stop it?"

635
00:48:13,925 --> 00:48:15,917
"The doctors tried."

636
00:48:17,445 --> 00:48:19,562
I explained about the retina,

637
00:48:19,685 --> 00:48:23,474
how it sometimes tears and comes
off from the back of the eye.

638
00:48:25,445 --> 00:48:27,437
"What did they say?"

639
00:48:28,445 --> 00:48:32,598
"Well, they just said, "Sorry, Mr Hull,
we can't do any more for you.""

640
00:48:35,645 --> 00:48:37,443
"Why doesn't God help you?"

641
00:48:38,965 --> 00:48:40,922
"God does help me,

642
00:48:41,045 --> 00:48:42,479
"in lots of ways."

643
00:48:43,725 --> 00:48:45,045
"How?"

644
00:48:46,205 --> 00:48:49,004
"Well, he makes me strong
and gives me courage."

645
00:48:50,725 --> 00:48:53,559
"But he doesn't help you to get
your eyes back?"

646
00:48:55,965 --> 00:48:57,524
CONGREGATION: Our, Father

647
00:48:57,645 --> 00:48:58,874
Who art in heaven

648
00:48:59,005 --> 00:49:01,076
Hallowed be Thy name

649
00:49:01,205 --> 00:49:02,605
Your kingdom come

650
00:49:02,725 --> 00:49:04,239
Thy will be done

651
00:49:04,365 --> 00:49:06,516
On earth as it is in heaven.

652
00:49:06,645 --> 00:49:08,841
Give us this day our daily bread.

653
00:49:09,885 --> 00:49:14,118
JOHN: Yes, there have been times
when I have been angry with God.

654
00:49:16,525 --> 00:49:18,835
Unreasonably so, I suppose.

655
00:49:22,725 --> 00:49:25,604
Sometimes one's emotions spill over.

656
00:49:28,445 --> 00:49:30,721
But I don't regard faith as a sort of a...

657
00:49:32,205 --> 00:49:35,994
a shield against the ordinary ups
and downs of human life.

658
00:49:39,045 --> 00:49:41,241
Why shouldn't it happen to me?

659
00:49:47,725 --> 00:49:50,081
JOHN: So now at last we've come to this...

660
00:49:51,565 --> 00:49:53,602
great problem, this question.

661
00:49:56,205 --> 00:49:58,800
The problem of mutual understanding.

662
00:50:00,805 --> 00:50:04,515
How can blind and sighted people
truly understand each other?

663
00:50:06,045 --> 00:50:08,560
How can men understand women?

664
00:50:08,685 --> 00:50:12,235
How can the rich understand the poor?

665
00:50:12,365 --> 00:50:15,961
How can the old understand the young?

666
00:50:17,765 --> 00:50:20,439
Can we have insight into other people?

667
00:50:22,285 --> 00:50:27,838
This is the great question upon which
the unity of our humanity hangs.

668
00:50:29,845 --> 00:50:31,677
(WARM MUSIC)

669
00:50:38,445 --> 00:50:40,323
(CHILDREN CALL OUT IN BACKGROUND)

670
00:50:40,445 --> 00:50:44,724
JOHN: (REC) The last two days have been
particularly peaceful and happy.

671
00:50:46,725 --> 00:50:49,035
Two long days with Marilyn

672
00:50:49,165 --> 00:50:53,079
and it was one of the best times
I've had playing with the children.

673
00:50:53,205 --> 00:50:54,958
THOMAS: (IN DISTANCE) Up a tree!

674
00:50:55,085 --> 00:50:56,599
JOHN: Yes, Thomas, wow!

675
00:50:56,725 --> 00:50:58,637
Don't go falling off, will you?

676
00:50:59,525 --> 00:51:03,439
JOHN: (REC) My health is very much
better than it was at Christmas time.

677
00:51:03,565 --> 00:51:05,522
(BIRDS CHIRP)

678
00:51:15,645 --> 00:51:18,683
Perhaps blindness won't cut me off,
after all.

679
00:51:31,365 --> 00:51:35,996
JOHN: Was I going to live
in reality or live in nostalgia?

680
00:51:39,165 --> 00:51:42,158
Over a period of weeks, months maybe,

681
00:51:42,285 --> 00:51:45,005
the decision hardened in me.

682
00:51:47,005 --> 00:51:49,964
I would not live in nostalgia,

683
00:51:50,085 --> 00:51:52,554
but would live in reality.

684
00:51:54,525 --> 00:51:56,403
And would become blind.

685
00:52:08,885 --> 00:52:10,842
(HUM OF CICADAS)

686
00:52:17,725 --> 00:52:19,682
(FOOTSTEPS)

687
00:52:23,365 --> 00:52:25,004
MARILYN: Wow! Look at this.

688
00:52:25,125 --> 00:52:26,923
IMOGEN: It's a really long drop.

689
00:52:27,045 --> 00:52:28,684
MARILYN: Yeah.

690
00:52:28,805 --> 00:52:31,479
IMOGEN:
What's that bit in the middle? Is that...

691
00:52:34,965 --> 00:52:38,037
- MARILYN: Are you all right, darling?
- JOHN: Yeah.

692
00:52:53,565 --> 00:52:55,522
(WIND BLOWS)

693
00:53:14,885 --> 00:53:18,435
I wanted my parents to know
me as a blind person.

694
00:53:21,445 --> 00:53:24,358
I wanted them to somehow recognise me.

695
00:53:25,285 --> 00:53:26,639
And accept me.

696
00:53:29,125 --> 00:53:31,959
MADGE: Every year we used
to go and pick cherry plums

697
00:53:32,085 --> 00:53:33,314
and bring them home.

698
00:53:33,445 --> 00:53:36,005
Mother made cherry plum jam by the dozen.

699
00:53:37,485 --> 00:53:40,000
I can remember rows and rows of the jam.

700
00:53:41,885 --> 00:53:43,205
(THOMAS SQUEALS)

701
00:53:43,845 --> 00:53:47,555
- JOHN: Say, "Hello, Grandma."
- THOMAS: Hello, Grandma.

702
00:53:47,685 --> 00:53:51,440
JOHN: Of course, they were delighted
with the children,

703
00:53:51,565 --> 00:53:53,602
but I think they were shocked.

704
00:53:55,725 --> 00:53:58,240
- MARILYN: Absolutely scandalised!
- (LAUGHTER)

705
00:53:59,285 --> 00:54:01,481
JOHN: It was like

706
00:54:01,605 --> 00:54:04,677
having to get to know me all over again.

707
00:54:04,805 --> 00:54:06,717
(MUFFLED VOICES)

708
00:54:07,845 --> 00:54:10,679
- MARILYN: It's a nice photo, that.
- MADGE: Yes.

709
00:54:12,285 --> 00:54:16,962
Here we have a photo of us all sitting
up in this car out in our back yard.

710
00:54:17,085 --> 00:54:18,804
JOHN: That's right.

711
00:54:21,165 --> 00:54:25,159
MARILYN: Well, how strangely
coloured photographs fade.

712
00:54:31,245 --> 00:54:34,955
MARILYN: It's all laid out
like a professional poet.

713
00:54:36,485 --> 00:54:38,761
"Poems, to my mother."

714
00:54:38,885 --> 00:54:41,036
JOHN: Oh, to my mother...

715
00:54:41,165 --> 00:54:43,361
MARILYN: Not to my mother and father.

716
00:54:43,485 --> 00:54:45,954
- JOHN: Interesting.
- MARILYN: To my mother.

717
00:54:49,565 --> 00:54:52,683
JOHN: I never had a close relationship
with my father.

718
00:54:53,565 --> 00:54:55,158
(HUM OF CICADAS)

719
00:54:56,205 --> 00:54:59,004
I don't know what he thought of it all.

720
00:55:01,245 --> 00:55:03,840
I walked down to the shops with him.

721
00:55:06,725 --> 00:55:09,115
We went to buy some bread and butter.

722
00:55:10,925 --> 00:55:14,043
It was the first time I'd touched him
on that visit...

723
00:55:16,685 --> 00:55:19,245
and I was shocked at how fragile he was.

724
00:55:21,365 --> 00:55:23,800
How slowly he moved along.

725
00:55:28,365 --> 00:55:31,085
And as we went along,

726
00:55:31,205 --> 00:55:34,084
he with his blind son on his elbow,

727
00:55:36,845 --> 00:55:39,201
I wondered what was going on in his mind,

728
00:55:39,325 --> 00:55:41,044
but we didn't talk about it.

729
00:55:44,045 --> 00:55:46,162
I wish I had known.

730
00:55:46,285 --> 00:55:48,038
I wish I did know.

731
00:55:55,725 --> 00:55:57,682
(IMOGEN SINGS IN DISTANCE)

732
00:56:01,005 --> 00:56:02,598
(SINGING GETS LOUDER)

733
00:56:13,565 --> 00:56:16,239
IMOGEN: (IN DISTANCE) # Da-da-da-de-duh! #

734
00:56:18,525 --> 00:56:19,720
Even Grandpa!

735
00:56:19,845 --> 00:56:21,359
Whoo!

736
00:56:22,185 --> 00:56:23,592
Go, Grandpa!

737
00:56:23,685 --> 00:56:25,881
(IMOGEN CONTINUES TO SING)

738
00:56:35,325 --> 00:56:37,885
MADGE: Strange thing, John, wasn't it?

739
00:56:38,005 --> 00:56:40,156
That Dad came from England

740
00:56:40,285 --> 00:56:42,561
and married an Australian girl.

741
00:56:42,685 --> 00:56:45,723
You were born in Australia
and married an English girl!

742
00:56:45,845 --> 00:56:48,314
- (SHE LAUGHS)
- JOHN: Yes, it is strange.

743
00:56:51,445 --> 00:56:53,641
MADGE: He's a good father, though.

744
00:56:57,765 --> 00:57:00,200
JOHN: I remember, she sitting next to me,

745
00:57:00,325 --> 00:57:02,362
cuddling up quite close.

746
00:57:02,485 --> 00:57:05,239
"John," she said,
"I have to come up close to you now

747
00:57:05,365 --> 00:57:08,836
"because there's no other way
we can get in contact, is there?"

748
00:57:10,085 --> 00:57:13,283
JOHN:
I said, "Yes, Mother, but that's all right."

749
00:57:19,925 --> 00:57:21,996
(FOOTSTEPS)

750
00:57:22,125 --> 00:57:24,799
Dear old Mother,

751
00:57:24,925 --> 00:57:26,723
what's it like for you?

752
00:57:33,645 --> 00:57:34,601
(LIZZIE SCREAMS)

753
00:57:34,725 --> 00:57:36,398
Lizzie?!

754
00:57:42,805 --> 00:57:44,034
Hang on!

755
00:57:44,965 --> 00:57:46,922
(LIZZIE CRIES)

756
00:57:50,045 --> 00:57:51,764
(CRYING CONTINUES)

757
00:57:55,525 --> 00:57:57,357
MARILYN: It's all right!

758
00:57:59,965 --> 00:58:01,001
JOHN: Is she hurt?

759
00:58:01,125 --> 00:58:03,560
MARILYN: It was awful, wasn't it? Oh, dear.

760
00:58:03,685 --> 00:58:05,165
JOHN: What's happened?

761
00:58:05,285 --> 00:58:08,198
MARILYN: She shut her finger in the door.

762
00:58:08,325 --> 00:58:10,999
JOHN: I remember taking her little hand.

763
00:58:13,925 --> 00:58:15,882
(CRYING CONTINUES)

764
00:58:19,285 --> 00:58:21,845
Painful for the child,
but no harm done really.

765
00:58:21,965 --> 00:58:23,240
MARILYN: Good girl.

766
00:58:23,365 --> 00:58:26,324
Try to stretch out your fingers a little bit.

767
00:58:26,445 --> 00:58:27,925
It'll be fine, love.

768
00:58:29,165 --> 00:58:31,441
JOHN: That was a frightening moment.

769
00:58:34,205 --> 00:58:37,835
The discovery that you re useless
is not a nice discovery...

770
00:58:39,565 --> 00:58:42,034
for any father to make.

771
00:58:42,165 --> 00:58:43,838
(HUM OF CICADAS)

772
00:58:48,965 --> 00:58:51,036
- MARILYN: You all right?
- JOHN: Yeah.

773
00:58:55,445 --> 00:58:56,799
(JOHN SIGHS)

774
00:58:56,925 --> 00:58:58,678
MARILYN: You just look a bit...

775
00:58:59,645 --> 00:59:01,045
Do you want some water?

776
00:59:01,165 --> 00:59:02,838
JOHN: No, I'm all right.

777
00:59:02,965 --> 00:59:04,604
MARILYN WHISPERS: Good.

778
00:59:30,365 --> 00:59:32,243
(MUFFLED VOICES)

779
00:59:32,365 --> 00:59:34,163
(DISTANT TAPPING)

780
00:59:59,725 --> 01:00:01,682
(VOICES BECOME MORE DISTINCT)

781
01:00:13,365 --> 01:00:17,041
- LIZZIE: (REC) When will it come?
- JOHN: (REC) When will what come?

782
01:00:17,165 --> 01:00:18,804
LIZZIE: (REC) Speaking bit.

783
01:00:18,925 --> 01:00:21,997
JOHN: (REC) It doesn't speak,
darling, not like a phone.

784
01:00:22,125 --> 01:00:25,596
- LIZZIE: (REC) Can't hear you.
- JOHN: (REC) Do you know what it is?

785
01:00:25,725 --> 01:00:29,435
A tape recorder.
You see that going round inside there?

786
01:00:29,565 --> 01:00:32,319
It's making little records

787
01:00:32,445 --> 01:00:34,835
and your voice and my voice are on it.

788
01:00:34,965 --> 01:00:38,800
- Say, "Hello, hello, hello."
- LIZZIE: (REC) Hello, hello, hello.

789
01:00:59,405 --> 01:01:00,964
(CLICK)

790
01:01:01,085 --> 01:01:02,280
(TAPE SPOOLS)

791
01:01:07,605 --> 01:01:09,119
(UNWORLDLY MUSIC)

792
01:01:31,485 --> 01:01:34,762
JOHN: (REC) I knew that this was
the first time I'd seen her.

793
01:01:37,125 --> 01:01:39,685
I stared at her, full of wonder,

794
01:01:41,325 --> 01:01:43,635
taking in every detail of her face.

795
01:01:48,045 --> 01:01:50,844
I thought, "So this is her.

796
01:01:50,965 --> 01:01:52,399
"This is she.

797
01:01:55,565 --> 01:01:58,637
"These are those lovely, luminous brown eyes.

798
01:01:59,805 --> 01:02:02,798
"This is that smile that they all
talk about."

799
01:02:13,845 --> 01:02:15,802
Everything went black again.

800
01:02:18,045 --> 01:02:19,001
(TAPES WHIRRS)

801
01:02:20,205 --> 01:02:22,003
I was back in consciousness.

802
01:02:24,925 --> 01:02:26,723
And in blindness.

803
01:02:28,205 --> 01:02:30,242
And I realised with a shock

804
01:02:32,165 --> 01:02:34,077
that it had been a dream.

805
01:02:38,925 --> 01:02:41,759
I've got sick of recording this one
so I've stopped.

806
01:02:45,725 --> 01:02:47,000
(IMOGEN SINGS)

807
01:03:19,885 --> 01:03:21,399
JOHN: When I was last here,

808
01:03:22,245 --> 01:03:24,635
many of my best remembered places

809
01:03:26,485 --> 01:03:27,885
were already fading.

810
01:03:29,085 --> 01:03:30,041
(WISTFUL MUSIC)

811
01:03:30,165 --> 01:03:31,485
(WATER DRIPS)

812
01:03:38,565 --> 01:03:39,885
Somehow...

813
01:03:41,645 --> 01:03:44,638
WELLING UP: I expected Melbourne to be there.

814
01:03:49,165 --> 01:03:50,804
That's stupid, isn't it?

815
01:03:55,565 --> 01:03:56,794
MARILYN: Just move in.

816
01:03:57,525 --> 01:03:58,959
Just move in.

817
01:04:03,245 --> 01:04:05,396
JOHN: You want to take your kids and say,

818
01:04:05,525 --> 01:04:07,960
"This is the beach we used to come to.

819
01:04:11,725 --> 01:04:13,318
(HUM OF CICADAS)

820
01:04:13,445 --> 01:04:16,165
"That's the place
where we used to play footie.

821
01:04:19,965 --> 01:04:21,604
"This is the school I went to."

822
01:04:26,325 --> 01:04:28,442
But... there was nothing there.

823
01:04:31,605 --> 01:04:33,722
Just people's hands and voices.

824
01:04:36,765 --> 01:04:38,757
Feel of the car on the road.

825
01:04:41,045 --> 01:04:42,638
The wind, of course.

826
01:04:43,605 --> 01:04:46,643
Walking along somewhere,
never quite knew where.

827
01:04:49,605 --> 01:04:51,642
That's really all there was.

828
01:04:55,205 --> 01:04:56,764
(SEAGULLS CRY)

829
01:04:57,805 --> 01:04:59,603
I didn't somehow expect it.

830
01:05:00,765 --> 01:05:02,518
I didn't anticipate that.

831
01:05:04,125 --> 01:05:05,684
I don't know why.

832
01:05:10,005 --> 01:05:10,961
(CLICK)

833
01:05:11,085 --> 01:05:12,201
(HUM OF CICADAS)

834
01:05:14,885 --> 01:05:16,524
MARILYN: (IN DISTANCE) Tom!

835
01:05:16,645 --> 01:05:18,682
Come along! What are you doing?

836
01:05:32,885 --> 01:05:34,444
JOHN: The house itself.

837
01:05:39,925 --> 01:05:41,325
What was it like?

838
01:05:50,565 --> 01:05:52,045
Where did I sleep?

839
01:06:02,325 --> 01:06:03,918
I can't remember much.

840
01:06:21,565 --> 01:06:24,319
MARILYN WHISPERS: This is too difficult.

841
01:06:29,245 --> 01:06:30,804
JOHN: I don't remember.

842
01:06:34,725 --> 01:06:36,045
Isn't that strange?

843
01:06:42,205 --> 01:06:43,924
Oh, I just don't remember.

844
01:06:46,165 --> 01:06:47,155
(HUM OF CICADAS)

845
01:06:51,165 --> 01:06:52,963
It was exactly that moment.

846
01:06:55,965 --> 01:06:57,115
A world is lost.

847
01:07:07,245 --> 01:07:11,922
And it wasn't just
the Melbourne I knew that was lost.

848
01:07:13,685 --> 01:07:15,483
I myself was lost.

849
01:07:19,525 --> 01:07:22,040
MARILYN: I began to be terribly afraid...

850
01:07:23,365 --> 01:07:27,245
that something would be broken
between us which could not be healed...

851
01:07:34,085 --> 01:07:38,364
that you were disappearing into a world
where I could not follow.

852
01:07:55,285 --> 01:07:56,605
(SKIES RUMBLE)

853
01:07:57,285 --> 01:08:00,039
JOHN: Everything was just tumbling down.

854
01:08:20,365 --> 01:08:22,880
We knew we wouldn't go back, didn't we?

855
01:08:31,085 --> 01:08:33,520
MARILYN: We will never do this again.

856
01:08:58,805 --> 01:09:00,444
(HOPEFUL PIANO MUSIC)

857
01:09:05,525 --> 01:09:09,883
JOHN: (REC) I have returned home
with a feeling of immense relief.

858
01:09:13,045 --> 01:09:17,324
To be again in a familiar house,
surrounded by familiar objects...

859
01:09:23,445 --> 01:09:25,277
to have in my mind a mental picture

860
01:09:25,405 --> 01:09:29,285
of the environment in the streets
and city around me

861
01:09:30,725 --> 01:09:34,321
is like having the world
restored to me again.

862
01:09:36,365 --> 01:09:37,594
JOHN: Three.

863
01:09:40,165 --> 01:09:41,394
Two.

864
01:09:43,445 --> 01:09:44,401
One!

865
01:09:44,525 --> 01:09:46,437
Here I come, ready or not!

866
01:10:03,045 --> 01:10:05,355
Now... Let me see.

867
01:10:05,485 --> 01:10:09,764
JOHN: (REC) Never have I done
the washing up with such happiness.

868
01:10:09,885 --> 01:10:12,957
I got up this morning
and made Marilyn a cup of tea.

869
01:10:13,085 --> 01:10:14,963
JOHN: Would he be...?

870
01:10:15,085 --> 01:10:17,042
JOHN: (REC) Feeling so grateful...

871
01:10:17,165 --> 01:10:18,155
JOHN: No...

872
01:10:18,285 --> 01:10:22,120
JOHN: (REC) ...that I could move freely,
that I knew where things were,

873
01:10:22,245 --> 01:10:24,237
that I could act.

874
01:10:24,365 --> 01:10:26,402
JOHN: Is he behind the curtain?

875
01:10:27,885 --> 01:10:29,365
No, not there, either.

876
01:10:29,485 --> 01:10:33,479
JOHN: (REC) That I was coming out of
that shadowland of passivity...

877
01:10:34,165 --> 01:10:35,724
JOHN: Where could he be?

878
01:10:36,565 --> 01:10:39,956
JOHN: (REC)
...into personal action and life again.

879
01:10:41,645 --> 01:10:43,557
- (TOM SHRIEKS)
- JOHN: Got you!

880
01:10:43,685 --> 01:10:44,641
(JOHN LAUGHS)

881
01:10:44,765 --> 01:10:46,040
(MUSIC FADES)

882
01:10:53,645 --> 01:10:55,238
(BABY STIRS)

883
01:11:02,565 --> 01:11:03,840
(UNWORLDLY MUSIC)

884
01:11:12,205 --> 01:11:15,562
JOHN: (REC) September 22nd, 1985.

885
01:11:21,805 --> 01:11:23,956
I love the smell of him.

886
01:11:25,605 --> 01:11:29,485
The way I can slightly sense
when he's looking at me now.

887
01:11:32,805 --> 01:11:36,640
I also like feeling his little nose
and holding one foot.

888
01:11:39,405 --> 01:11:42,876
I love holding his little hands
and putting my own hand

889
01:11:43,005 --> 01:11:45,236
on the warmth of his head.

890
01:11:46,965 --> 01:11:49,878
The feel of him as I have him
over my shoulder.

891
01:11:58,205 --> 01:12:00,845
IMOGEN: (REC)
It's 7.00 am and time for Radio 8

892
01:12:00,965 --> 01:12:03,958
and here's your host, Immy Hull!

893
01:12:04,085 --> 01:12:06,042
IMOGEN: It will be drizzly today,

894
01:12:06,165 --> 01:12:09,761
with occasional intervals of sun.
Later on in the day...

895
01:12:09,885 --> 01:12:14,516
JOHN: (REC) Two or three times this
week, I have taken Thomas to school.

896
01:12:14,645 --> 01:12:16,841
Or perhaps I'd say he has taken me.

897
01:12:17,685 --> 01:12:21,964
And he is getting quite good
at guiding me, although unreliable.

898
01:12:23,285 --> 01:12:26,164
- (CHILDREN PLAYING)
- JOHN: Right, let's look at you.

899
01:12:26,285 --> 01:12:29,995
JOHN: (REC)
We also have a way of saying goodbye

900
01:12:30,125 --> 01:12:32,037
which is the equivalent of waving.

901
01:12:33,045 --> 01:12:36,595
As he runs off through the playground,

902
01:12:36,725 --> 01:12:38,125
he shouts out, "Bye!"

903
01:12:38,245 --> 01:12:39,201
THOMAS: Bye!

904
01:12:39,325 --> 01:12:41,044
JOHN: (REC) And I shout, "Bye!"

905
01:12:41,165 --> 01:12:42,121
JOHN: Bye!

906
01:12:42,245 --> 01:12:43,201
THOMAS: Bye.

907
01:12:43,325 --> 01:12:45,442
JOHN: (REC) And we keep up this

908
01:12:45,565 --> 01:12:47,955
- echoing chorus...
- THOMAS: Bye.

909
01:12:48,085 --> 01:12:50,805
JOHN: (REC) ...until his voice becomes faint.

910
01:12:53,965 --> 01:12:55,365
THOMAS: Bye!

911
01:12:55,485 --> 01:12:57,044
JOHN: Bye!

912
01:12:58,045 --> 01:12:59,525
JOHN: (REC) I love this.

913
01:12:59,645 --> 01:13:00,715
(UNWORLDLY MUSIC)

914
01:13:04,325 --> 01:13:05,839
(FOOTSTEPS ECHO)

915
01:13:14,925 --> 01:13:18,919
I had said to myself that I would
learn to live with blindness,

916
01:13:19,045 --> 01:13:20,843
but I would never accept it.

917
01:13:27,125 --> 01:13:33,076
Now I find that there's been a strange
kind of change in the state of my brain.

918
01:13:39,605 --> 01:13:43,599
It's as if now, being denied stimulus
of the outside world,

919
01:13:44,525 --> 01:13:46,915
the thing has turned in upon itself

920
01:13:47,045 --> 01:13:48,957
in order to find inner resources.

921
01:13:49,085 --> 01:13:50,439
(BIRDS SING)

922
01:13:57,325 --> 01:13:59,442
Occasionally I go home in the evening

923
01:13:59,565 --> 01:14:02,558
and I feel as if my mind is almost blown

924
01:14:02,685 --> 01:14:04,881
with new ideas and new horizons.

925
01:14:05,005 --> 01:14:06,405
(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

926
01:14:09,125 --> 01:14:10,957
I find myself connecting more,

927
01:14:11,085 --> 01:14:12,155
remembering more,

928
01:14:12,285 --> 01:14:13,799
making more links in my mind

929
01:14:14,805 --> 01:14:18,242
between the various things I've read
and learned all my life.

930
01:14:21,805 --> 01:14:23,797
I now feel clearer,

931
01:14:23,925 --> 01:14:25,439
more excited,

932
01:14:25,565 --> 01:14:28,399
more adventurous,
more confident intellectually

933
01:14:28,525 --> 01:14:30,437
than I've ever felt in my life.

934
01:14:32,165 --> 01:14:34,999
(THUNDER RUMBLES)

935
01:14:40,165 --> 01:14:44,000
There is something so totally purging
about blindness

936
01:14:44,125 --> 01:14:47,641
that one either is destroyed or renewed.

937
01:14:52,805 --> 01:14:55,559
Your consciousness is evacuated.

938
01:15:04,765 --> 01:15:07,803
Your past memories, your interests,

939
01:15:08,405 --> 01:15:10,317
your perception of time,

940
01:15:13,205 --> 01:15:14,719
place itself.

941
01:15:16,565 --> 01:15:18,079
The world itself!

942
01:15:26,445 --> 01:15:28,402
One must recreate one's life.

943
01:15:32,925 --> 01:15:34,564
In my case, fortunately,

944
01:15:35,285 --> 01:15:38,915
I had a central core
around which to recreate it.

945
01:15:43,405 --> 01:15:45,044
That was my good fortune.

946
01:15:56,645 --> 01:15:58,364
(MUSIC BEGINS TO FADE)

947
01:16:10,685 --> 01:16:12,404
(CHURCH ORGAN IN DISTANCE)

948
01:16:25,045 --> 01:16:26,798
MAN: You all right there, John?

949
01:16:27,405 --> 01:16:28,998
Anything I can help you with?

950
01:16:29,125 --> 01:16:31,003
JOHN: No, I'm fine.

951
01:16:35,045 --> 01:16:36,684
(ORGAN MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

952
01:16:45,965 --> 01:16:48,241
(ORGAN REVERBERATES THROUGH CHURCH)

953
01:17:19,885 --> 01:17:22,400
The whole place was just throbbing.

954
01:17:24,645 --> 01:17:27,524
You know, you could feel the pews
vibrating with it.

955
01:17:27,645 --> 01:17:28,840
MARILYN: Hmm...

956
01:17:32,485 --> 01:17:35,284
JOHN:
Suddenly, I had the most intense feeling

957
01:17:38,245 --> 01:17:40,362
that God was approaching me.

958
01:17:42,765 --> 01:17:44,563
(CHILDREN PLAY IN DISTANCE)

959
01:17:46,965 --> 01:17:51,437
And I just had this vivid, vivid sense

960
01:17:52,525 --> 01:17:54,084
of the Divine Presence.

961
01:17:59,725 --> 01:18:03,924
Now He'd come sort of swooping in

962
01:18:04,045 --> 01:18:05,001
(HE CHUCKLES)

963
01:18:05,125 --> 01:18:09,244
from some great business
He'd been up to, intergalactically.

964
01:18:09,365 --> 01:18:12,278
- MARILYN: That's ridiculous, darling!
- (THEY LAUGH)

965
01:18:12,405 --> 01:18:14,840
JOHN: Well, you know, that's how it seemed.

966
01:18:14,965 --> 01:18:16,877
He'd made a special visit.

967
01:18:23,645 --> 01:18:25,876
And He threw a dark cloak over me.

968
01:18:33,845 --> 01:18:34,801
And then

969
01:18:37,045 --> 01:18:39,799
the most remarkable thing was

970
01:18:41,765 --> 01:18:44,041
that He didn't leave, He couldn't leave.

971
01:18:44,845 --> 01:18:46,564
He was there just waiting.

972
01:18:50,525 --> 01:18:52,517
And I said, "I'll be fine.

973
01:18:53,365 --> 01:18:55,243
"Don't worry about me."

974
01:19:03,045 --> 01:19:05,241
And in that pause, I had a sense

975
01:19:08,405 --> 01:19:09,885
of such grace.

976
01:19:14,485 --> 01:19:15,885
And I thought,

977
01:19:16,005 --> 01:19:18,361
"That's it. It's a gift.

978
01:19:20,725 --> 01:19:22,125
"It's not a gift I want.

979
01:19:23,085 --> 01:19:25,759
"It's not a gift I want my children to have,

980
01:19:25,885 --> 01:19:27,001
"but it is a gift.

981
01:19:34,125 --> 01:19:35,525
"So the question is

982
01:19:37,285 --> 01:19:38,799
"not, "Why have I got it?"

983
01:19:40,405 --> 01:19:42,442
"but, "What am I going to do with it?""

984
01:19:53,565 --> 01:19:55,124
(GENTLE WAVES ROLL)

985
01:19:58,445 --> 01:20:00,084
(WAVES BUILD AND CRASH)

986
01:21:20,445 --> 01:21:22,198
(UNWORLDLY MUSIC)