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[Lotje breathes heavily]
[heavy thump]
[Jan] That day, I will go to meet my sister for lunch.
I emailed him that morning, just to confirm what time,
and I don't hear anything again.
Thinking, "It's so strange how Lotje didn't come back to me."
You know, because I have also texted, "Are you okay?"
Which, like, is quite strong, um... message.
And I'm sure he will reply.
[Ant] Usually, you know, he starts working every day.
He didn't enter on Monday, and, uh, I thought it was a bit strange.
[Barney] I, um, walk, like, four, five minutes to where the flat is.
And that's where Jan is with Ant,
looks more confused with what is happening
- [Jan] We tried banging on the door... - [knocked hard]
... shouted, but he did not respond.
[Barney] I remember Jan called, "Lotje!"
What happens through our minds is that
There is only one reason why he is still in his flat.
[Jan] At that time, I decided to call 999.
[dogs barking]
The police arrived together with the owner of the house, who had the key.
[Ant] And this is very strange when, like,
the police arrested Jan a little, said, "Do you want us to enter first?"
People who open the door, don't want to be the first person to enter there.
That's very strange. And Jan just said, "I will go in."
[Jan] Flat only looks like some serious chaos has occurred.
You know, I'm like, "Damn, where is he?"
Everything is chaotic.
There are clothes everywhere, throw up
and dirt everywhere.
The fact that he is not there is a bit of a relief.
But then the next question is, "Where is he?"
[Hente] Lotje is always pretty good at going somewhere, for adventure,
and experience - Go and see friends, so...
I have had this all my life.
"Where is Lotje?" has become a question
You know, you go to the supermarket
and you take something from the shelf, "Where is Lotje?"
[voice echo] Where is Lotje?
[the machine beeps steady]
[Jan] Someone in Royal London installed Lotje's description.
They cannot identify him, because he cannot speak.
The police I called and the police at Royal London
succeed, sort of, work out that this is my sister
[machine goes on]
[Andrew] To see young patients who is half conscious,
who actually becomes is more unconscious as time goes by,
with his speed deteriorating,
Really, you are faced with a situation
where you have to decide to act immediately and save lives.
[Jan] We arrived at the hospital,
where it is explained that Lotje is undergoing several types of
a very serious medical emergency to his brain.
and he a very high probability of death.
He has an intracerebral brain hemorrhage
My initial reaction to this is that this is a huge blood clot
and it's immediately life-threatening.
I have to say that many of these cases are very severe that it's impossible to intervene, or if you do it, you don't succeed.
The operation involves incision on the scalp,
removal of small bone windows,
about that size,
only small pieces through the brain substance itself
to reveal blood clots,
then delete as many blood clots as possible.
Well, that doesn't have to be reduced
The damage was done by bleeding to the brain.
That is damage done and cannot be reversed.
The most common type of stroke is actually the brain area
it lacks oxygen and loses its blood supply.
Lotje type stroke bleeds into the brain substance.
Mostly due to with abnormal blood vessels
that might be developing, blood clotting abnormalities can occur;
and there are many rare things that can cause it.
There are still some tests to do later on the bottom line,
but at this time, we don't have a clear reason why this happened.
Maybe we never found it,
and maybe so we never know the cause
[Jan] They hold him to sleep artificially.
It seems like they don't know if they can even wake him up.
Or if he wakes up, functions as is.
So for 24 full hours,
We really don't know what the results are?
Good.
I live.
-Very bad writing... - [woman speaks unclear]
... but I'm not dead
That's the beginning.
Very messy...
but surely eager to live.
[Jan] We came for about ten minutes after he woke up.
He did speak...
But he is very confused.
We are not sure what will happen today.
This will be new...
plate...
place... or something completely different.
We are just not sure.
[Lucy] I was really nervous when I saw it.
And Jan continues to say how,
You know, "This is very strange and he... he might not recognize you."
[Whispering] For the possibility...
to live and die
[Jan] The fact is, he is still alive.
Actually, that's the biggest, I will say...
"Listen, he's still alive and he looks great."
[therapist] okay
Here.
[unclear conversation]
[Therapist] Right, here it is. Hmm?
Good.
I want you to say a few broken words starts with... [emphasizes "S"]
- [emphasizes "S"] -Yes. [emphasizes "S"]
Do you think you can do that?
Um...
So, it could be, um, "sound,"
or "swing", or "sit".
So, it starts from... now.
[emphasizes "S"] Summer.
-Mmm. -I have I...?
S... alright.
[emphasizes "S"] Seeds.
[emphasizes "S"] [chuckles, stammers] I get -
Me too...
[sobbing]
[Jan] He can't do the test they did for this situation.
[doctor] I know you are trying your best...
[Jan] So it's clear that there is... a more severe problem.
But, I mean, don't know...
do not understand, really, what is the problem?
[Sophie] So why didn't you tell me... what happened?
I am in a fairly normal place,
very busy, normal...
[stutter] Type of smart person.
And now, I start from the beginning.
[Sophie] What does it feel like?
This is very strange,
starting from zero.
It's like tripping.
[echo sound] I don't know how to describe it.
How do I say it? I can't...
[stutter]
This normal world...
[stammers] Normality.
I'm very, sort of...
[echoing] Strange is the way to describe it...
Difficult to... [click tongue]
Uh, I don't think I make sense.
Sorry.
I hope I can...
Yes.
I will try.
[Sophie] What about these photos? Do you--
- [Lotje] Pictures? - [Sophie] Yeah
Matilda is, um, my...
I'm...
[sighs]
I...
He...
[sighs] I can't...
I... nephew
-Yeah, my niece - [Sophie] Is your niece?
Yes, niece.
And now, he's also a...
Nephew? Neef... My niece
I mean, "niece."
For some reason, I can't say the real word itself.
This world.
- [Sophie] On that shelf? -Yes.
- [Sophie] A note -Record, yeah.
Exactly, so...
for some reason, I can say...
You say it again
- [Sophie] Record. -Recording.
Recording.
I can only say it if I'm not really... If I go like that...
-then I can say the word "note". - [echo sound] Record.
But not...
[sound echoes]
You say it again
- [Sophie] Record. -Record, yeah.
Recording.
I can't...
- [writing pen] -I can't say it now. But I can't...
Um...
You know, I can't speak or...
No, don't speak.
I can't...
clever. [chuckles]
- [writing pen] -What do you call it? Um...
- [Sophie] Write? -Yeah, write.
I can't write at all.
Or smart or normal. All that
This... it's terrible outside.
This can read "fairy tales". Not a "fairy tale".
- [Lotje] What did he say? This is "? - [Sophie] Yeah
[Lotje] Oh, yes, "me."
- [Lotje] Does that say "the"? - [Sophie] Yeah
I've written "before".
[sound echoes]
I don't think I will experience problems with the word "the."
A-B-C-D-E-F-G...
[Lotje speaks vaguely]
No?
-Two? - [grumble]
[Lotje] This is not in my the correct dictionary, in my brain.
Decoction. [chuckles]
Congratulations... Argh!
Okay, something is wrong, here, today.
"Helps." [chuckles]
That must be the first one I write besides "hi."
The green one is...
above the blue one.
-True? -No.
But it's complete gobbledygook complete
And I don't believe that.
[sound echoes]
[stutter]
I refuse to believe that I... that happened
[Jan] He is very dynamic, is very social,
very fiery individuals.
[Ant] He has a really difficult job, must be very, very organized.
Multitasking, many things happen at the same time.
[Anita] That is its existence.
Communication, writing films, writing in general and reading.
You know, Lotje always reads, Like these very thick books.
[Lucy] He is the most intelligent person.
So, yes, this is rather... [chuckles]
... it's almost obscene that this part, um...
It affects parts of the brain.
[woman] So, today. This starts today, your vacation.
[Jan] I think that might be very alienating.
He cannot interact in the same way as people.
He gets very tired easily.
Mathematical function seems to be disturbed.
Which is something that hasn't really been handled, really,
at all, up to this point, but I have noticed it.
You know, logistics like that, I don't know the technical terms for that,
But, you know, this, sort of logical thing that we take for granted.
The attention I have at this stage is,
because he is very ambitious and very energetic,
he uses too much presses himself.
And the pressure is finally leads to the situation
where, you know, he gets destruction, basically.
[Lotje] If I face that question, "who am I?"
I am someone who has a large number of friends,
works very hard,
wander around the world, likes to read.
What if all the evidence is deleted?
What makes me?
Something happened to my vision, that nobody really explained to me.
Pretty normal on the left, as long as I keep it on the left.
If I go to the right side, This is like the whole nother dimension.
[echoing sound] Vision internal space, inner world.
This is the reality of an increasing reality.
I don't know, it becomes a kind of euphoric notion.
Whether it's the brain or my reality,
I can feel colors and sounds like I couldn't before.
- Sounds like a very loud sound. - [loud noise]
[people speak loudly]
[sirens blaring]
So it's getting more intensive, it's too much.
Everything becomes a momentary experience.
Time has a new meaning.
This is all lengthy and temporary.
You are in this new place,
a world that is devastating and very frightening
it's yours alone.
[Barney] Finding yourself in this world where... everything changes,
this is like... a very strange process,
because as far as we can see, nothing has changed
But everything changes for him.
[Lotje] The last time I was at me... my first house, um,
This is a very disturbing experience.
- [man] You're fine -Yes.
Oh...
Good.
[exhale]
I can do that...
That's what it is. No, this one.
I don't know if I can do it. I haven't tried it yet.
- [man] Certainly the others. -This one?
[man] Mmm-hmm.
There.
Oh, this is so weird!
[Lotje] it's okay [sighs]
It's like a dream.
Someone does a very good job in tidying up.
It's like, um, something I have, um... totally changed
If you see what I mean.
Ugh, I feel very pukey. Do you feel...
I just remember trying to survive and I don't even know.
I just... I really remember gave up and didn't care.
And not... [stutter]
I just, like, in a terrible state,
and I don't know how can I get out of it
You are in this strange thing - like, weird, parallel trips,
so you can't - you can't say -
You tried to explain why you can't make phone calls
or wear clothes and sort - get out of here.
You only remember this strange, strange thing
it gets worse into this nightmare
And then I remember crying, that I never cried,
but being really angry,
but can't think why and how or all that.
I just got angry, more sick, sicker,
and more, like, into this nightmare.
[Lucy] I hate the idea that he experienced all this alone...
[sighs]... and just lie in his bed and, like, ready to die.
Then something lifts it up.
And he did it. He wakes up. And...
You know, that's how it is...
That's why he wakes up every day
and bump into the wall and be reminded of what is happening.
But he just... he did it, and he kept going.
[speaking unclear]
[Lotje] I have never lived with my mother since I was 18 years old.
So, now I'm two years old - [stammers]
Thirty...
four.
So... [chuckled] 34 years.
Now, we live together.
[Hente] I mean, I never thought a lot of about the brain before, at all.
I mean, this is called "Obtained brain injury,"
but it's a new world that was acquired at the same time.
It's very difficult anyone who can understand,
for his friends and for anyone around, because -
He said it himself, he said a few days ago, he said,
"I feel like a baby, But, you know, I'm an adult,
and that's two things at once.
= = You know, I need to take care of my body and I have to have a rhythm during the day.
And, you know, just like a child. Otherwise, I can't function at all. "
On the other hand, you know, all already exist Um...
This is very, very difficult to understand.
[Lotje] I can save thoughts and ideas and the thought process...
[stuttering] ... that's done
and some need to keep going,
but they disappear
So when can I start writing,
I think, "Instead of having it disappear into thin air,
is terrible, I will try write it. "
Vi... no.
Va...
[Lotje chuckles] The problem is, of course, I can't spell, so...
I don't know if that is the real word.
[sound echoes] Isola...
Isolation...
I dream of mixing dreams of strokes.
Breakdown time.
Stroke hour.
And then, creepy mouse.
Your dreams have real new types real for them,
but before, they were just weird.
And you like that become confused between, um...
what's real and what's in your head
Keep looking at my eyes.
I will bring this small target from outside.
Just say "yes" when you see it come to the display.
Now.
Now. Now.
OK.
You see how much better the field is on this side
compared to this side.
- [echoing] If you experience your injuries... - [Lotje] Yeah.
... then it only affects one part...
[distorting, echoing] ... in the same part of space in each eye.
-Good. -Good?
[unclear echo]
Good.
I kind of looked around for whom this person was talking.
I don't know who they mean...
what they mean.
And I don't know, um... how to respond to what they say.
It takes half an hour to work.
[Sophie] I want to ask you why do you want to shoot this?
Why did you contact me?
Many people in your situation will do it just thinking about their recovery
I remember - I was obsessed with by recording everything
and I can't remember anything
So, it's like...
I think that part of the brain has become unable to...
um...
remember something
You have obsessed by recording it...
-Mmm. -... because you only cringe
- that it will disappear. -Mmm.
[Lotje] To, uh, understand, I want to record it.
There is something lively, like, the real reality for that
This is not real - this is real.
And um, I don't know if it's your neurological...
I don't know
Not me, this...
That's what happened. That is how it feels.
It's like, um...
You know, you think, um...
You know, You think about David Lynch and...
[chuckles]... things like that are many.
[hand rubbing]
[Lotje] It's like being in the Red Room on Peak Twin.
I have experienced imaginary conversation with him in my head.
[soft music playing]
[Lotje] Dear Mr Lynch: my name is Lotje Sodderland,
and I live in Hackney, in London.
Two months ago, I have an intracerebral...
[stuttering]... bleeding
and lose my use read and write,
That's why I sent you video messages
It's like a dimen - a new dimension.
This is very beautiful, painful...
sometimes, like a nightmare place
in my head.
But also somewhere where I can...
really lost in this beautiful
and extraor - extraordinary new places that I myself have found,
where my brain used to be
So I want to share with you, Because I think you will like it.
I will make a pleasant trip. With my bag.
I just found out three days ago that I will go there.
This may be very, very difficult for me to really do it right.
I can't process, um... [stutter]... the concept,
the reality will live as an inpatient
in a neurological place....
RSUD.
Full of sick people like me.
Only to imagine that I'm with a friend,
go to a fun place, like that before.
And maybe that will happen.
And that will be some when it's very serious...
[chuckles]... in it.
But there's no point inside me trying to imagine it,
because my brain does not have the capacity to calculate.
So, to calculate something...
for something like that is stupid,
no use, very stressful and counterproductive.
- [click tongue] - [Sophie] All right.
[Lotje] So, are you ready for the final calculation?
I'm ready, but the more important question is, are you ready?
Well, I don't have a sense of space and time, so it's okay for me
[both chuckles]
[Jan] We have a very close relationship.
We have a very frenzied life and we have shared enough,
so I think that's why we are close enough.
[Lotje] Our parents are not together.
So I was raised by my mother.
And our childhood Unconventional adventure.
But I always know I can depend on Jan for anything.
I want to know if I will be allowed to leave.
What do you think?
I think they don't tend, uh, put it...
Let people get out of a safe unit.
[Lotje chuckles]
[Lotje] He has a high sense of humor.
That makes a big difference. And he will always be like that.
He has been like that from the start.
Even in the hospital, he will be funny and he will make me laugh.
Even though I can't even laugh myself.
If I still smoke, I will be allowed to leave.
I don't know if they want to.
I think you might be bound until you stop smoking.
-How can you get out, and? -I will show it to you.
[Lotje] About to be accepted.
You will say goodbye to the world, especially me, because I did not leave.
Maybe I'll be impre-- better specimens
[patients complain]
[unclear conversation]
[loud, repetitive engine noise]
[unclear conversation]
[chat continues]
[whispering] I really...
[door closers]
Hey, Sophie.
Quickly hello from the toilet.
Trying to be back in the hospital...
After going away for almost two months.
Um...
Trying to get around psychology being a patient...
and subtracted...
to be equal with others who is there with me
I feel very lucky.
Um, I will send a picture of dinner, which is 5:30 a night
I will sleep less than an hour.
Hopefully your evening is fun.
[loud and unclear conversation]
[swallow]
[whispers] 1:00 a.m.
[banging]
[Lotje whispers] Nighttime sounds in the hospital...
- eliminate me when I wake up in the morning. - [loud and unclear conversation]
And it feels like no one can hear me and I'm invisible.
How terrible it is.
Not sure that this is a good idea, but...
but silence on the head is not here
Time to wake up.
[Rebecca] That can happen to you, it can happen to me.
It seems quite careless
and it's real enough to be seen, I think.
Navigate to your forearm, then your shoulders
-Forearm, then my shoulder? -Mmm-hmm.
Mmm...
shoulder...
close.
-Shoulders. -Mmm-hmm.
[Rebecca] It's very confrontational,
because unless you challenge what someone can't do...
You will not fix it.
[Whispering] This is where I study about the outer reach...
of human vulnerability...
and strength...
and what someone, what is made of humans
What is made from inside.
[Rebecca] Lotje has aphasia, which is a language disorder.
He has this order of difficulty,
sort information, know what is most important.
Where are you?
I, um...
in intensive care
- And it seems... night-time. -Mmm-hmm.
And...
My sister is there and my mother.
I don't understand why I can't talk to them
And I think it's just the beginning - it's the beginning
[keyboard clacking]
[sobbing] I haven't slept well.
They, uh... [chuckles]
This will take a long time.
No, it's okay.
It takes as long as needed.
[trembling breath]
[sound echoes]
[Lotje] It becomes very difficult to be...
others correctly -
Property [clears throat]
People take over my plan, my life.
-Doctors tell me... - [unclear echo chat]
... things I don't understand
But still at that stage in life where...
Obviously, I must be able to take it control myself, and responsibility.
But people hijack... all my life.
Hijacked, I guess.
[stopwatch ticking]
Touch-typing using a shortcut back to me like magic,
so I know I can rely on it.
You do it automatically. It's automatic... now, you know?
For a long time, it's like one... one by one.
"I look back...
in my words...
they will disappear."
Maybe, "Especially because I can still write."
Yes.
That's why that's enough... The least intuitive part of all this.
We think to read and write almost the same.
You write something, then you read it.
But for the brain, it doesn't work like that at all, you know?
This is a very different process that is not at all clear.
Is it because that's what is different part of the brain?
[clears throat] That's because the pathway is a little different.
To write something, You don't need to see it.
But to read it, This is the visual part of the brain
who is currently experiencing problems
So your brain can see the words,
but connection between seeing parts of the brain
and the language part of the brain has been disturbed
But the path that goes to from the language part of the brain
to the motor part of the brain to write it's fine
So you can write it and then When you read it, there is a blockage.
Yes.
Good.
[Lotje] Update to yourself, note yourself,
This is not a step back, This is a very big step forward.
This is progress.
Massive progress. The only one is an illusion.
A comfortable illusion.
This is an uncomfortable reality. [echoing]
Crazy...
Everything will be messed up here at the hospital.
Recovery psychology.
Escape?
And run away? [chuckles]
Kidding.
One beautiful woman said that I was allowed.
As long as I am not lost.
My weekly schedule.
Occupational therapists, language therapists,
a psychologist and psychiatrist.
And I'm not sure which one is. [chuckles]
[Lucy] You know, this video communication
really amazing for people who left.
I'm here...
in...
brain space
[Lucy] Exactly what Lotje did before,
he communicates with everyone via video.
And he just makes me laugh. [laughs]
This is where I appear I am a relaxed activity
And here I like playing snooker or writing some music.
You have to come here sometime. This is really baggage.
Really want to know what... say.
- [Lotje] Hey, Adam. -Halo.
How are you?
Great.
What do you make?
[Adam] I don't make, I'm creating.
What did you create?
Robot for my child
You are my only friend here, Adam.
I'm your only friend
Here at the RNRU, yes.
Well, you have a good friend, That's all I can say.
[Lotje] You are not wrong there, Adam.
[Adam] A very good friend.
Do you want to go home, go to the real world
I - I can't wait for that, yes,
but I will handle it when I get there,
because I've been here for a long time.
Do you think it will be alright?
Yes. Life is what you make.
[echoing] Life is what you make.
- [Lotje] Martin. Miraculous Martin. -Mmm.
-I will read. -Good.
Look, um... See if I can do it without messing it up.
-Good. We are a team. -Yes?
In this case, the writing from Mr. Lynch is amazing,
that I really want to make my head around.
"In every..." No.
[chuckles] "in..."
[Lotje] "In yourself is a treasury, an ocean of pure happiness,
awareness, intelligence, creativity,
love, happiness, energy, and peace,
in every human being. "
"... pure happiness. "
[Martin] Yes.
[Lotje] " Feel that and you will begin to know yourself alone,
the infinite, eternal totality. "
"... overall. "
[Martin] Very good. It's done well.
-Yes. - [sighs]
[high five]
[Lotje] I think that's amazing.
It means we have everything in us, don't need to look too far
Yes.
-Just, eh, look inside... -Mmm-hmm.
... and hopefully we will find what we are looking for.
-That's it, yeah. Mmm. -I think that's good.
[Lotje] It feels like the door has been opened.
New door.
It's in the middle, but it's open.
He wants to let me in
Pay attention to tell Sophie, or someone.
[Jan] This is your towel.
Is that it?
This is your towel too.
I should carry a bag.
It's okay, we can-- I can take it.
What do you think now?
Can I show you how? this organizational skill
has increased massively?
I think you are very disturbed at this time.
You don't think about the task at hand
-What, me? -Yes.
Look, if you experience brain hemorrhage,
You will focus on things that you have to focus on,
and ignore other things.
-Pretent practical, actually. - [Jan chuckles]
I will remember that I will definitely have it right away.
[Lotje] Mmm-hmm.
It's very, very, very, very, very, very, very difficult to be here.
I'm different from me, maybe I won't be the same.
That's it, really, just occurred to me.
But I still hope it's not true.
Where I will end, or how I will end,
when dealing with romance, my life, working, you know,
it's stuff You start panicking.
[boys speak unclear]
[Jan] is that for Aunt Lotje?
Yes.
[Lotje] Thank you.
Is that a leaf?
Yes.
[Lotje] This is a book for people who can't read
There are all the pictures in it, you see?
- [child] I can't read - [Lotje] I don't.
[child] I can't read
I can't read
I can't read and I can read it.
Dear Sir Lynch,
I am writing to you from Victoria Park in London.
I am worried that I am exhausted my intelligence limit
and that won't develop much further from here
That will make the problem on my future trajectory
Surely if I can't write or read...
I already have it
Only time will tell.
Very curious.
What do we have here? Title,
very long and very interesting article
about reprogramming our brains...
using crans...
No, transcranial stimulation,
which sounds very scary,
but that's what I just entered.
And when I do this tale therapy, I can read.
Maybe.
[speaking unclear]
Like that?
Yes, please, that's good.
[Dr. Alex] This is basically a battery.
When first active, you can feel a little tingling,
so you get two pads above the head, and the current between two pads.
Many actual currents do not go through the brain
Many enter through the skin.
But small amounts enter through the brain and we think it's a little therapeutic.
So, for some, it works, and for some, it doesn't work well But at the group level, it works.
So we know it works, we try to improve it
Good.
Yes, I definitely want to do that.
-Okay, good. -Yes.
[Lotje] I am very happy to see the results,
but I am also very aware of the facts
that this is an experiment , uh, maybe or maybe it doesn't work.
I really want to be built on a large scale improve cognitive abilities, of course,
especially about my reading.
Um...
But...
Um, you know, if it doesn't work, then I have given my body to science.
[Therapist] Prepare all this and prepare it.
-How does it feel? -OK.
-Tingling away? -Tingling away.
OK, well, let's start training
-You are ready? -Yes.
Okay, go away.
- [recorded female voice] Rain -Rain.
- Yes. -Yes.
-Space. -Space.
-Assist. -Help.
I have to spend a month doing very intensive therapy.
- [recorded female voice] Purple. -old.
-Past. -Then.
The effect is to restore my brain,
in order to find
a new route where is used to go automatically.
-Panik. -Panic.
-Down. -Down.
-Past. -Then.
Yes.
[computer dings]
I must be exposed to the words
through sound and vision simultaneously,
so, when I hear the words and I see them,
I begin to reconnect the sounds of those words with those words.
-Roar. -Mengaum.
-Rescue. -Save.
-Boy. -Boy.
-Wish. -Want.
-Pie. - [computer dings]
[Lotje] This type of crazy sensation. It feels like a stinging nettle.
Hard work,
and they have given me this really a smart laptop to take home,
to continue when I go home, for one hour every day
-Birds. -Birds.
-Tough. -Difficult.
-Soon. -Immediately.
-Quick. -When...
-Tad. -Tad.
-Skill. -Skills.
-Hope. -Hope.
-Dance. -Mary.
[Lotje] I started really reading the word along its length.
- [repetition of words continues] -Read each letter in the word
and understand the series,
sequence of letters in the whole combination
-Loan. -Loans.
-Owl. -Birds ghost.
-Need. -Need.
[Lotje] Cognition is will definitely improve.
-Abuse. -Abuse.
But what do I know? [sighs]
I'm just a plain guinea pig.
So, um, do you have a bad effect After, uh, yesterday's stimulation?
No headaches, Nothing else like that at night?
-No. -Good.
[Lotje] Words, words, words. So many words.
[echo sound] Words, words, words.
Only three days left.
[both chuckles]
Whoo-hoo!
-Stroke. -Blow.
-See. -See.
-Dog. -dog.
-Wood. - [computer dings]
-Lid. - [computer dings]
Open.
-Legal. - [gasps]
I thought I just saw lightning.
Maybe it's already...
Are you okay? How do you feel?
-Legal. -No.
[dinging computer]
Occurs.
[Lotje sniffs sharply]
-Given. - [Therapist] First mistake.
Given.
-Girl. -Girl. [gasps]
Oh! [click tongue]
[recorded female voice] Mother.
That's very unpleasant.
That didn't do that before. This is new
-Strike. -Striking.
-Winner. -Winners.
Run through that block and I will bring down Jenny.
-Love. -Love.
-Log. -Log.
-Sock. -Foot shirt.
-Story. -Story.
Next?
Uh, just hold it there.
-You sure? -Yes.
[Jan] Maybe around 4:00.
Lotje has called and there is a problem,
and I have to go there very fast.
He squatted outside, his speech was very disturbed,
and he doesn't really know what is happening.
Ambulances come, I explain to them the history of Lotje.
They asked me a question, they tried to ask Lotje a question,
some of which he can answer,
Lotje half of the stretcher,
His eyes turn away, you can only see white eyes, purple face.
And he...
You know, I don't know what's happening.
He starts jerking. You know, this is a very hard body movement.
One of the nurses is trying, sort of, keep her on a stretcher.
The movement is so great
he asked me to help him to guard Lotje where he was.
Overall, It lasts for four hours.
At that stage, obviously, you started, um...
I think you started blaming or you started looking for reasons.
[leaves rustling]
[Lotje] My whole body, um, is in shock.
My whole back, my arms, my legs, my-my...
I, um... [stammers]
This.
What do you call it?
- [Sophie] hip? -Yes.
-Truth. - [dinging computer]
[Sophie] Talk to me through what you can remember.
[Lotje] On Monday, I returned to Queen Square for the second time from behind.
After an electric shock, I go home
and start my hour repetition words.
-Bird. -Burung.
I started seeing this flash of color appeared in front of me.
Many colors, flashes repeatedly, grows bigger and bigger, like...
[pulsating loud noises]
A hallucinogen, uncontrolled color growth
I started panicking. Um...
When I think, "Okay, I have to, uh...
I don't know what's going on, but it feels a bit like a stroke."
It's scary to lose yourself...
lost in your body
I don't, of course, expect epileptic fit. [laughs]
"Epileptic seizures result from abnormal, excessive,
or hypersynchronous Neuron activity in the brain. -developed country. "
[Lotje] Okay.
- [Hente] Only... only... -I don't have epilepsy.
Am I
My vision is distorted...
But this time, it's not interesting like in November - November.
Scary.
Okay, now I see something on my right side
- Things that shouldn't be there. - [unclear sound]
I see this...
ghost... object
Color is getting brighter and the pattern keeps repeating.
Orange No. No, purple.
and green. And they continue to grow.
[Hente] "Diplopia, double vision, amnesia, balance disorder,
disruption in attention,
loss of concentration , memory disturbances. "
- [siren lament] - [Lotje] The land looks foreign.
I feel like a stranger here.
Tomorrow, I'll talk to Elsmore and see what he thinks.
I hope it won't be like this for the rest of my life.
- I'm afraid of having... - [baby lament]
... another epi
[Hente] "Agitation, depression, emotional instability,
mood swings, hostility or aggression, insomnia ,
nervous, irritable, personal disorder, behavior problem. "
Good medicine!
Perfect for your condition, I will say.
isn't it? [laughs]
[groans]
[Andrew] You told me that you have had a seizure.
So, tell me what happened there.
Well, I've done this, um, Hal electromagnetic therapy.
Uh, I forgot what it was... Look... [stuttering] I've retreated.
-I have retreated since the robbery. -Yes.
Um, but... Um, but yes, this, um...
Yes, sort of...
-Um, transmagnetic... -Yes, I know what you mean
I don't have much experience from the technique.
That doesn't surprise me at all
if it is a potential side effect for treatment,
but I don't know for sure.
Brain injury makes you risk having a seizure,
so you risk experiencing seizures with or without treatment,
So, it's hard to say, for me, is it directly related
Has anyone started it? for any treatment for that?
-Yeah, I have to take it every day. -Yes.
[Lotje] And this is for people who have epilepsy according to
[Andrew] Yes.
So, I don't know if that... You know, if that includes me,
because it might have been one time.
I hope that is one time.
It's a bit difficult to tell,
but maybe things that make sense to you Currently being treated.
Yes.
And that... the most likely situation where this won't happen again,
which I'm sure, what you want right now
[sounds grow away] The medicine Can make people a little sleepy
[Lotje] I remember Jan, my brother, say...
Uh, "Don't worry, you will be better in the past few weeks."
You know, hopefully making that - make that assumption
And some people recover from, um, strokes are very fast.
But, in my case, language-wise, Of course not.
So, now I'm thinking...
may not exist... I will recover quickly.
Everything can happen anytime to some degree
Um, so...
I better not have faith in anything.
[Lotje] Mmm...
- [Jan] Here it is, "Caused by seizures." - [Lotje] here, huh
-Do you ask him about the provoked plunder? -Yes.
-And what did he say about that? -He doesn't really know.
You know, Andy Elsmore is a surgeon.
- Brain surgeon -Good.
-That's the expertise. -Yes.
So other things need to be referred to others.
In all justice...
Sounds like you have there is no answer from him at all
Good...
Well, what kind of answer do you want?
Some answers. Like, "I don't know" is an answer.
What is it like?
Like, "Okay, what is this? I have a glow of light?"
"Suitable." "And must... Should I be told that they are there?"
He can't answer that question.
-Why not? -Because he wasn't there.
He doesn't know anything about it other than what I told him
And what did he say?
He said, "I don't know."
[Jan] I am not aware of actually, myself, that there is a very high risk,
one-in-five risk is quite a lot,
from this happens if you experience bleeding,
in the first year after that.
So... [sobbing]... you know...
I should also be already more prepared for the facts
That kind of thing can happen.
For some reason, we don't, I mean, as a family.
And Lotje didn't.
[Lotje] I mean, there is no way to find out. It's like...
This is a pity.
Now, the problem is, there is a high probability that has become a deliberate struggle, that's the problem,
But that's just a question from what provokes it
[Lotje] Yes.
[Lotje] ... very slow.
I do much better,
but now I've retreated again since this, uh...
Show if you can read this.
[laughs]
-This? -Yes.
[Dr. Afraim] take your time Only...
[Lotje's voice resonates] "John...
Gifford...
is... the... is..."
[Dr. Afraim] remind me again how long everything is going on.
When did your words come back?
[Jan] Now, the problem is so which is actually suitable to happen in a hospital.
-I see. -So it's been a lot, for hours.
This might be about-- Um, after fitting, Lotje fell asleep.
So when he speaks again, It was nine o'clock at night.
[Dr. Afraim] okay
Whether seizures are triggered or worsened by treatment
It's hard to answer.
- [Jan] I have a question... - [Dr. Afraim] really?
... which, um, blinks, are they seizures or not?
- Eh, they are not seizures, per se. - [Jan] Mmm.
I think maybe the brain is a kind of prime.
Uh, you have, uh, An abnormal brain is there too.
So maybe they conspired to cause what,
what sounds like a very long spasm
In a very small proportion of patients,
General seizures can bring death, actually.
And of course the patient can die,
for example, in their sleep from seizures.
So, general seizures certainly need to be treated.
This is my last visit to Queen Square.
Intrigued to see... [sniffles]
... how much worse... than me...
than me...
before...
matches set in...
and of course disturbed and destroyed...
my brain and mind
[exhale]
[Dr. Alex] So, this graph...
it turns out that you have tDCS in the first week.
Because, remember, we are blinded to that, so we must, um, unblind ourselves.
So you can see that your reading speed,
actually for both trained and untrained words,
um, both increased dramatically.
-Oh wow. -Certainly there is a dramatic.
So you have gone from average about around 2.2 seconds per word
to an average of about 1.5 seconds.
That's about 40% repair in reading speed, something like that.
-Wow. -Yes.
-So it's quite impressive -It was great.
-So that's good news -Thank you.
Well, that's all your hard work, really. And we will predict this.
So, in general, There are great training effects.
But there are instructions here that there is an effect of tDCS.
Scientifically, it's very unfortunate because you have a seizure,
that last point will help us
So, if you have never been fit and you have come down here again,
in other words, you will improve again,
That will be good evidence there is no real effect of tDCS,
but because we lost that last time point, we can't answer that question
I apologize for that. [laughs]
That's not your fault. It's not your fault at all.
[Dr. Alex] The data we got from you, we were very encouraged by.
And we use this to join
grant application for, obviously do it more.
So all of this, you know, promises, but it's not convincing,
will enter the application to try and do it at a greater level.
[Lotje] Do I understand correctly, um...
You will not test again surprise people suffering from brain hemorrhage?
[Dr. Alex] Yes, I think we will...
We might enter it as one of the exclusion criteria.
Obviously, we want to be safe, but on the other hand,
if you exclude the burden of people In this study,
then when you finally publish it, um...
there will be no evidence of for certain proportions.
So I'm always a little wary about not including people,
because once you start it doesn't belong to certain types of people,
that means whatever you find cannot be generalized to people.
Good. I don't want to be, you know...
I don't want to contribute to missing people
on treatments that have the potential to help.
But, um... But, yes, at the same time...
-Uh, well, this isn't... -... has an unpleasant match
There is a group of us, and finally, the goes to the ethics committee
So they decide what is safe and what is not.
I mean, if there is a security problem, then, It must be a good thing to exclude it.
[click tongue] I think it's something that we all discuss
-Yes. -Good.
[Jan] Okay, so it doesn't work. Is that what you heard?
[Lotje] No, this works, there are 60 -
There is an increase of 40% in the first week.
[Jan] Okay, I can't read this. Can you explain it to me?
[Lotje] Did you see... Did you see...
I mean, honestly, I don't have a damn idea.
[Jan] So basically, if the line is red -
[Lotje] There is a 40% increase in the first week,
and then the line comes out.
[Lotje] It scares me that death can appear from nowhere,
and, um, threatening to take me away.
I mean, it can happen to anyone at any time.
[good music playback]
[Lotje] My first holiday because my brain is damaged
with Miss Lucy McRae who is magical.
This is undoubtedly the cure.
The brain needs to be silent to carry out its functions.
Calm down.
I feel closer to my awareness,
a much more raw closeness with yourself
that's my essence.
If the physical body, brain, is damaged,
does this extend damage to yourself?
I have to feel comfortable with... smoothly,
or some people might say the difference "unsubtle"
between who I was before and who I am now.
In meditation, I have found fragility of mind
and also unlimited resources.
And in that discovery, I have been empowered.
silence, solitude.
Salute.
[approaching footsteps]
[man speaks unclear]
[both chuckles]
[men speak unclear in French]
No, a film.
[chuckles, speaks French] Ah, here I am
- [Lotje speaks French] Is that your garden? -Yes.
Ah.
Here is very peaceful, there is no noise.
[man chuckles]
I am here every day and there is no sound. Apart from when I was in my tractor.
[Lotje] huh?
Yes, I mean, the tractor makes noise. Or when I use trimmers...
To cut grass.
But if there is no noise.
[Lotje] No.
[Lotje speaks English] Only breathe.
Don't panic Let go of fear.
[Lotje breathes in]
Good. I hope to share with you
that I've tried to get my own head around.
So I hope to be able to share some of those insights with you,
but I'm not sure if I can [laughs]
Um, I think one of the challenges, maybe, for therapists is to...
to only deal with the fact that you...
and someone who is being defined with their limitations,
And I think only experience, sort of, continues to be defined by
what you can't do anymore, or how you are somewhat limited,
being, I think, destroying.
Is there anything you can do? tell us, as a therapist, um...
to help you get past that?
To maybe focus on those things a patient might find along the way.
they might find something that they don't expect at all,
which is of course what happened in my case
Dear Mr. Lynch:
My name is Lotje Sodderland.
Almost exactly a year ago, I had brain hemorrhage.
It doesn't feel like a year,
because there has been a different time .
And there is something that surprises me in those words
that really changed my recovery experience
I have learned that I am strong,
but I have also accepted my vulnerability.
I have learned to focus only...
about what's important
It takes a very long time...
familiar with the new brain
[male voice recording] Please find attach a lease agreement.
Please start each page requested.
[Lotje] I don't need to go back to my old life.
This is a new existence, new dynamics,
where I am not defined by my limitations,
but an unlimited possibility.
Thank you, Mr. Lynch.
- [fireworks] - [people cheering]
A really important part of this story is this film.
The film is something that is really born of necessity.
This creates a way for me to understand something very complex,
and that creates a structure.
Yes, the narrative structure is for me to understand my own story.
Happy face.
We don't really know the answer.
But what can I say in seconds of this existence,
reality...
just...
what we believe and think is right.
That makes sense to me.
And very little not lately.
Everyone likes a story. And this is really good.
With a very long beginning and middle, and it will end.
The story will end. Experience may not be.
[unclear conversation]
Hi, David. My name is Lotje Sodderland
Are you Lotje Sodderland?
-I. - [audience laughs]
Lotje, happy to hear your voice.
I can't see you, Lotje, but I want to say, I like your video letter to me.
And I am very happy, as I said,
that you find meditation
and you enjoy it and enjoy the benefits.
So, uh, what's your question You want to ask tonight, Lotje?
I want to say thank you, first, to invite me tonight,
but also to change me, um...
um, my experience
Not just that kind of thing brain recovery that destroys recovery,
but also my type perception of existence
what do you think the brain is the mind machine or vice versa?
They say consciousness is the driver of everything.
The brain is a beautiful thing.
And now with brain research, they can see EEG machines
that when someone really transcends, they see amazing things.
Boom! The brain is fully lit. They call it "total brain coherence."
And that is the only experience in life that does that.
the coherence is more and more permanent,
raises a higher level of consciousness,
and finally the highest enlightenment, which is the total fulfillment,
total exemption,
the circumstances they describe as "more than the most,"
totality of life
[slow music playing]
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