trying to forge mind-body connections. "
And then he said," Right, pull up the front of your finger like a sled. "
Minor adjustments
Let me close my butt.
So my wife says, " Wait for me, I'm not ready. "
And I hold my land. I go," I won't wait You
Because you are a late person I am a timely person.
I don't want to enter into our marriage
Because I feel like This goes very well so far. "
Try to place a positive spin on it.
And he goes," OK. "
Passive aggressive classic for people who are late. mat beside your mat, for me, in class. "
I said, "Clo, I won't do that
Because I am more loyal to my partner when people
than I do for you, my wife."
And that doesn't work well.
And so on--
So, I feel bad.
And then I arrived in class, and I put my eyes on.
Then I put the mat next to my death for my wife.
And this woman appeared, she left, "Do you mind if I put my mat here?"
I'm like, "Actually, my wife..."
Sometimes I'm very polite, I didn't even finish the sentence.
This other woman appears, she goes...
I'm like...
We are like different whales.
Which is another pose I'm working on.
Class filled, 100% full, wall-to-wall hug.
Except for the blank mat beside my mat, because my wife decides, arbitrarily,
he won't come to class that day
I know!
The last person to move!
Nothing!
Classes end.
Blank mat
Everyone will assume whether my wife is dead
Or I've found the concept of fiction has a wife
so I can have this weird super wide mat.
The most selfish step in the most socialist practice.
And this woman appears. He said, "I hope your wife is fine."
Which is a yoga way to say, "We hate you."
But that's just the side of my story. In justice for my wife,
If he's here tonight, he will be like, "Yeah, but you didn't tell them..."
And I will like, "Sorry, ma'am. There is an ongoing event."
He will be escorted out of the building.
I've done it before, I'll do it again.
That's what I like about jokes. They are just the side of your story.
They are your opinion, who are not to say they are always just opinions.
Sometimes they externalize your inner thoughts,
and often your inner thoughts are inappropriate
I was in my urologist recently.
Just kidding &. No, I have -
I have symptoms. Don't repeat this.
I have symptoms where--
This is difficult to say.
I have something where, when my wife and I will have sex,
I will have a pin-and-needle sensation in my urethra
when I will ejaculate.
Which was initially very interesting.
Initially, I thought, "Ohh.
Maybe this is a new type of orgasm.
Maybe I've already passed it."
But then the pain doesn't go away. I'm like, "Oh, no!"
It's like when you're eating spicy foods and you like,
"It's hot, it's hot, it's too hot!"
But it's with my cock.
The higher the bet is from your tongue,
which is your oral penis, by the way.
Nobody calls it that, but -
So, I explained this to my doctor - not in these words--
and he is not affected by it. He said, "This is no big deal.
This might be a muscular thing.
You just try too hard When you have sex. "
And I said," You said it to me. " But I don't--
I didn't say it. I just thought so. I was like...
He was like," Is there anything wrong? with your head? "And, uh...
Because I don't talk much off-the-stage jokes
I just think of them.
He is like," Is something wrong? with your head? "
I go," No, I'm a comedian. "
He says," You are a comedian? "
I go," You are a doctor? "
But I did not say it. think about it I'm like...
You know?
He really doesn't believe me, he said, "If you're a comedian,
Why aren't you funny now?"
What I want to say is I will do it Take the conversation that we have experienced this
and then repeat to strangers.
And that's the joke.
You are a joke... later
But I didn't say it. I just thought about it, and, uh...
I can say this joke.
But when you have your pants on your ankle
and rectum thermometer in your ass, You think,
"This may not be the right time."
I feel we are led to believe this false cliche from romantic comedy that we all just flog jokes all the time
Like, we meet a girl in a coffee shop
and we are like, "What's in your latte? Cum?"
And he will like, "You're so funny!
We have to get married in 90 minutes."
But in real life, the person was arrested.
Or walk for the president. Like, if you think about -
If you think about jokes -
If you think of a joke, You can't tell jokes in life, almost ever.
Like, at work or school. Or the airport is a good example.
I read a story where a man sneezes in a plane,
look around and he goes, "I have Ebola."
This is why it's not a good joke.
They land on the plane.
And they meet people in hazmat clothes
And his defense is, "I'm kidding."
That is always this catch-all defense when people say stupid things.
You can't tell jokes at work, basically, because at some point in history,
some idiots show up at work, and like, "Good Tits, Betsy!"
And Betsy likes, "What?"
And that person likes, "I'm kidding!"
And the boss is like...
"Uh...
there are no more jokes!"
Jokes have been destroyed
by bad people when telling jokes
A joke can't end with "I'm kidding."
Or "Git-R-Done."
So, this is the week before I host Gotham Awards,
and I started writing jokes.
And it feels like sort of a non-win situation:
How do I make relevant jokes? for people in the audience
but don't make them hate me?
So, I started with a joke about myself.
I wrote, "It is an honor to be here,
because 13 years ago,
I was the one who checked my coat on this program. check the coat. "
Which one is correct.
Yes, I remember that period my life well.
I'm very bankrupt, and I'm really alive on air mattresses in Queens,
and I can't afford a dress table for my clothes
When you go bankrupt, everything is just low to the ground.
Do you know? You--
You roll up your air mattress in the morning,
take pants from the floor,
You cook noodles on a hot plate.
Someone falls from your mouth, You are like, "Not too far away."
The only way you can get lower is if you die
And I moved to New York
Because there are all of these comedy clubs here,
But they don't want me Because I'm not good at it.
So, what I'm doing is I drive my mother's station station all over the country to the lower comedy concentration area,
places like Ohio, West Virginia, New Jersey, and...
Not a joke, but thank you.
And, actually, I bought my mother's car.
I always want to show that because I just found out
that sometimes if parents have faith in their child's dreams...
they will give them their car.
My mother gets the full Blue Book value.
He is like, "This person doesn't have it."
And...
I remember this time
where I drive back from a comedy club in New Jersey
to my air mattress in Queens,
and this police just pointed at me and my wave ended.
When you go bankrupt, the police will pull you If you have a bad car
just to see what's wrong, you know?
Yes.
And he said, "License and registration."
When I issue my license, I realize it has expired in three weeks.
And that's when I thought, "Should I start this conversation?
with this information key?"
Like, "You won't like this." Do you know what I mean?
"The same team, we both think I'm a fool."
And...
It's actually worse than that.
He returns and says, "Do you know? that your license is suspended?"
Yes, I don't even know what it means
I am very naive, so I -
I have a speeding ticket that has not been paid from high school.
So I said to him, and I quote -
I said yes.
No.
Wait. What is the meaning & apos; suspended & apos ?; "
And he said," Please get out of the car. " And I got out of the car.
He said," You were arrested. "
I said," No, I don't think so. "
He said, "I'm sure of that."
Then he cuffed me to prove everything. Dan--
Applause if you have been arrested. Has anyone ever been arrested before?
Some people. What are you--
Can I ask, why were you arrested?
I was arrested by a female police officer and put in a headlock.
I don't like how you say "female police".
That's very annoying.
That's right I'm not--
I'm fine with that This is a comedy show. Everything can happen.
We are all friends here. But it just rubbed me the wrong way.
You know, women can be police.
This is a kind of part of the whole.
You said you--
You say it like that is an anomaly.
And that, like, everything.
I only say it like that because I've done it get my ball broken
for the past ten years.
Oh well. Well, that doesn't make sense either.
But, uh - but surely, yes. So--
So, this is crazy, out-of-the-way, female police appear.
Well, get this: she's a woman.
Badges and so on
And I said, "Cook me dinner!" You know what he says
He said, "No, you were arrested for committing a crime."
I see...
Extraordinary. You are really buried at this time.
I mean, there's nothing...
Nothing you can say that will justify you
He puts me in a headlock.
You have said that
I feel like your talk points are all wrong
He puts you in a headlock? Why? First of all, what is your crime?
I arrived at the barrel, and I got a cup of beer,
and I'm waiting in line to drink beer.
-And... -You leave a lot of details.
Where ?!
Basic details
We don't all have to be Ira Glass, but come on
Where - where is this?
It's in the forest.
So--
There are no further questions, Your Honor.
It's in the forest. It's in the forest.
I don't even know women go in the forest.
It feels like seeing Bigfoot.
I will say this about being arrested.
This is a shocking experience if you have never had that happen,
because they handcuffed you, and the handcuffs hurt.
And the police don't have to take you to jail immediately
Like, I was handcuffed in New Jersey and sat behind a cruiser.
I look through the windshield,
the police just hang out with the police friends.
And they laugh, joke, Like, "I hold this person for nothing."
You know, like, "What's the meaning & apos; suspended & apos?"
And...
I experienced the most traumatic moment in my life.
It's like, "I never knew I would be arrested.
I use New Balance shoes."
You know, and -
And I'm nervous because I'm afraid of the police.
I always thought that I was very scared from a bear,
but at least if the bear kills you, Everyone is angry at the bear.
If the police kill you,
30% of Americans like, "This is a difficult job."
Do you know what I mean?
If a bear kills you, they don't have a bear press conference
where all bears stand behind Bears kill in solidarity,
and the commissioner bear steps forward,
and he is like, "He is usually a pretty good bear.
Usually he only eats honey and is not aware of bees."
But the police will kill you. That, like, on the news and everything.
And so on--
So, I'm nervous and I sweat. I am itching I have an itch on my face.
But I don't have it there are available extremities
So, I look around like the character from No Country for Old Men.
And I see the doorknob. I'm like, "That's pointed."
And I reached out. I scratched my face on the doorknob
which makes it more itchy on my cheeks and shoulders
And then I'm just sort of stretching around,
like a dog that tries to get rid of medical cones
And the policeman looks back. He is like, "We get the living!
What are you doing?"
I'm like, "Will you scratch my face?"
Apparently, they never did that. Not once.
Apparently, no one asked, that was crazy for me
That's why the famous back seat I've been in
It's like a happy fight there...
with ticks I will do anything for scratches
I will like, "I will let you use your rifle,"
You know, which is pointy, but obviously dangerous
And so on...
the officer booked me in Weehawken prison, New Jersey.
He even removed his shoes from my shoes
Apparently, This is a very common thing
when a person's license is suspended...
whether they will hang themselves
I don't like to joke about it. This is called post suspension suspension.
This...
all-too-general, less reported. Then--
Then he took a mug from me.
He knew I had appeared at a comedy club that night.
So, he took one extra, and he put it in his pocket.
He goes, "This is just in case you've been famous."
Which I think is good, you know?
I'm like, "At least he's looking for me."
Of course, he caught me now.
But long term, this person sees it.
Which is more than I can say for my mother.
And so on--
So, I have this one joke about being a coat checker.
But the more, I became very about hosting this event
So I called Jimmy Kimmel,
Because I think that if I have a video like that,
that might give me some credibility with the audience,
where it feels like every relevant topic will become a minefield
Which is always, by the way, rather happens in comedy
when you appear for certain groups of people.
Like, I remember The most extreme example I have.
I am performing at a Christian college, and, uh...
That is a strange show. In a giant gym,
and there is a 30 foot cross on the wall.
And I think it's funny, because I'm thinking,
Like, if Jesus was there, what would he say
Like, "Use an ellipse!" You know, because -
Because I think a lot about Jesus.
I went to Catholic school for nine years,
and they teach you When you were very young, you were seven years old.
They are like, "There is this person Jesus, and he loves you
And you love him too?"
You are like, "Wait, I know this person?"
And they are like, "Oh, yes, there is this person Jesus,
who everyone likes Because he loves everyone.
And first, he died, and that's not your fault at all
I see...
Don't be afraid or sad
Because he is in heaven now with his father, who is God? There are other things called the Holy Spirit
no one really understands.
These three things are a cluster...
who always looks at you all the time. "
If you have a question,
just pop into the strange broom closet in the corner
with Pastor Steven, who hasn't done it yet background check
Don't forget again if you've ever masturbated , = = Because he is fascinated with that.
And angry, but mostly fascinated, and -
Start with innocence, Just as innocently as male-child love can begin.
You kind of accept this person Jesus, and he loves you,
but he is dead and he is bleeding, but he is in top condition, and--
And I actually really enjoy the church when I was a kid
My favorite part is hymn. We will sing this one song:
♪ Christ has died ♪
♪ Christ rose ♪
♪ Christ will come again ♪
Thank you friend.
Do you know that? This is a hit.
This is number one on the charts for 47,000 consecutive weeks.
Sure enough it's gone myrrh, at this time.
Yes it's true.
That's a rare joke.
That joke is a nut comedy. Dan--
No, I like that song.
Lyrical, very short.
You get Christ. He is the protagonist, and then he dies, which is sad.
Then he gets up, which is unexpected.
And then he will come again, which--
I don't know, I -
I'm not sure I'm rooting for that part. I feel like, you know, thank you for coming.
Appreciate books, but -
Do we really want her to come again? If he comes again, he will be very angry.
He will be like, "I don't understand.
Why are these people so rich and these people are very poor?" Because he's Jewish, isn't he? He will have Jewish influence.
"Why do these people have thousands of people? from bread,
and these people have half bread?" Because he is a socialist. He is a Jewish socialist.
He is the most unpopular modern demographic, especially with Christians.
He is native to Bernie Sanders. You know that right?
I mean, Jesus -
Jesus will never win in the general.
But--
So, my brother Joe, who is here with me tonight, he will -
He really taught me what the joke was when I was little
He used to sing songs from this hymn
while we sing true hymns.
He is like "Strange Al" Yankovic church
He will go...
♪ Christ has lied Christ is imprisoned ♪
♪ Christ will come at ten o'clock ♪
So far, my favorite line - The idea that Christ will arrive
at a very specific time.
Because Christ is the right person. That is one thing you must know.
He is a savior on time.
So, I'm talking about all this on the stage
in this Christian college gymnasium, and...
it's not connected, you know
And it's really rather awkward backstage after the show
between me and this person who ordered me. He is like, "Why?
Why are you talking about Jesus?
for ten minutes on stage?"
And I don't have the best answer,
but I feel it's good enough to share with you
I say, "Jesus died...
so I can tell the joke."
In justice to the organizers of Christian colleges,
I am a safe bet as far as comedians go,
I do not curse haphazardly on the stage, which has a lot to do with my mother.
Not really. When I moved to New York, He was upset, and I would go, "Why?"
He said, "I don't want you to be one of the dirty comedians."
And I said, "OK."
And he said, "You don't need to use it those words become funny
For example, Oprah is very funny."
And I said, "Maybe for Gayle.
Or even Stedman, when they let him on it.
But I don't know -
I don't know If you understand my purpose, Mom. I'm not trying to be queen during the day. "
Because my mother and I are very close,
I really tried not to curse many for years on stage
At this time, I have released four comedy albums,
and none of them have labels explicit lyrics on them.
But sometimes, I feel in conflict with that matter
Because many comedians I admire most do a curse on stage
Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor.
And some of those famous don't curse secretly criminals.
It's fun for me, just watch 50 mouths, "Bill Cosby."
And then there is this strange thing about not cursing,
which you sometimes order in place just for that reason
Like, a few years ago, I had ordered to perform with the Muppets,
which is a great honor. I grew up in the Muppets.
That is a Canadian television program hosted by them,
and I have to take Fozzie Bear.
I will tell you something about Fozzie Bear.
He is actually a pretty good comedian.
I feel I have to do that
Because of Fozzie's joke, I think, is that he is a bad comedian
who is also a bear.
But Fozzie--
Following Fozzie is almost impossible.
Like, he killed on stage, killed.
Even when he doesn't kill, he kills
Because he has That slogan slogan joke parachute:
"Wocka Wocka Wocka!"
Which is "Git-R-Done", by the way.
I don't know if you've thought from it before, but...
I was watching Fozzie from his wings, and I realized, like,
This show won't work well for me, for very specific reasons.
When people go to see the Muppets, they don't want to see people.
They just want to see more Muppets.
When you are watching Sesame Street
and Gordon and Maria walk in frames, and you like, "Get out of there."
We want to see more of these creatures who live in the trash.
So, Fozzie's murder,
and then he was eliminated from the stage by Statler and Waldorf.
That's a gay couple who lives on the balcony
If that's not the case, I'm very confused.
They go to the theater seven nights a week, and they sucks about everything.
I mean, what--
What are the instructions here? And so...
Statler and Waldorf denounce Fozzie, and then they introduce me,
which is a crazy precedent for hecklers--
This idea if heckler defeats comedians,
are they now responsible for the show?
This is like streaker running to Yankee Stadium,
they just throw him a glove. They are like, "third base!"
"I don't have a uniform!" You know?
So, they introduced me, and that means. That is the Statler and Waldorf thing.
One of them goes, "The next man goes to sleep."
"Oh yes? I like to sleep during acting. Ha!"
"Welcome Mike Birbiglia." And I ran to the stage.
And I'm very confused about being pre-heckled by this surrealist doll,
that I forgot to bring my stool.
I arrived in the middle, and I looked around. I go, "Ah, damn it!"
I will tell you who doesn't like the word "fuck"
People who have bought tickets to see the Muppets...
and Muppets.
People in the audience like...
Muppets are like...
I go, "Sorry about that!" And I ran off the stage.
And I ran back to the stage, This time with feces.
There is nothing I can do to get the audience on my side
Because not only am I the one who cursed in The Muppets,
as far as these people know,
I am the one who curses exclusively in the Muppets,
even in the context of jokes.
I'm just this person...
who is jogging on stage,
the word "fuck", and then run from the stage.
I'm like a villain from the Muppets.
I, like, Fuck Monster.
That's what I have tried to call my wife for years.
So, I bombed the Muppets.
This is really the opposite My childhood dreams come true.
I remember like a child who thought, "Maybe someday, I'll be in The Muppets."
But I never thought, "Maybe someday, I will be in The Muppets,
and it won't work well."
After ten minutes, I walked from the stage - I didn't make this.
I was loved by Kermit.
He is like, "I think you're good."
I'm like, "Not now!"
Throw him to the wall.
No, that -
I feel bad. I just feel like I failed so deeply.
But then the more I pondered it,
the more I think Maybe I'm too shy
on behalf of the Muppets.
If you think about it, the Muppets, they have seen a lot
Muppets is 70 years old.
Like, you think when the camera isn't rolling, Animals don't curse?
You think Animals are never like...
"This damn snare drum sounds like nonsense!"
I'm sure Janice has tried heroin.
Do you know what I mean?
You think Janice never likes,
"Kermit, I am, like, very chaotic.
Can I use your feet to tie my arms?"
Right. It's a Muppets heroin joke.
And I'm pretty sure if there is a line, I step past it there.
That's what you always have to think about When you're writing a joke,
is sort of, where is the line?
And you don't want to pass it, but you want to approach it
You know, it's subjective, sort of where the line is
From there it becomes complicated. And that's what I am contemplating
when I fly back to New York the day before hosting Gotham Awards.
I am on a plane. I'm writing a joke,
and I was eating chicken salad sandwich on walnut raisin bread.
And I remember that because actually, flight attendants came,
and he is like, "Excuse me, are there nuts on your sandwich?"
I know it won't end well.
Because the sentence never ends with: "Because I love nuts!
Nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts!
They are great at everything !
Sprinkle them in your sundae! They are the building blocks of pesto! "
Who are they and nobody talks about it
So, like--
So, as I answered, I just kept eating sandwiches.
I'm like...
"I think there might be...
walnuts on bread."
"Actually you can't eat it on the plane Because the woman is sitting by the window...
has a peanut allergy."
"I will not feed them.
Or rub his face on his face."
"Actually he will react
Even if there are nuts
in the air."
"Nuts in the air?"
That just happened to be my favorite hip-hop song.
I try to be respectful. I said to the woman,
"Are you serious? You will have a reaction if there are nuts
in the air?"
He said, "Yes, I will react if there are nuts
in the air."
"You shouldn't leave home.
There are nuts everywhere."
And I'm very hungry, I say to the flight attendant,
I said, "Is there anywhere where can I finish my sandwich?"
"You can finish it...
in the bathroom."
"Good." And I go.
And I went into JetBlue's bathroom,
and I eat chicken salad sandwich.
I experience that big symphony from smell -
only bathroom and antiseptic, mayonnaise, and I choke
And I eat more sandwiches, and I choke
And I eat more sandwiches. And I realized at that time,
that I have what is called airborne stool allergies.
Dan--
Yes you know, It's not only if I eat feces.
If -
This is if feces...
is in the air
If feces are in the air...
I will react.
OK. So, you know who doesn't like this story,
are people with peanut allergies.
And you know who likes this story? All others.
And...
I feel really in conflict about that,
Because there are almost a thousand people in this room together now.
And about 997 of us are like, "Ha ha! Nuts in the air."
And three of us quietly like, "That's my life."
Do you know? And I don't--
I don't want to be that for you,
but jokes must be about something.
I told the story last year in San Francisco,
and this child came to me after the show,
and he asks me if I will sign the EpiPen.
Because he is allergic to peanuts.
And if he has a reaction, his mother must hit his leg
so he doesn't die
And I'm really moved by this,
Because that's my sense of humor.
I have a joke on my album about having bladder tumors at age 19,
and how I was hit by a drunk driver,
how I have life threatening sleep disorders.
And that is my best joke.
That is the kind that I am interested in.
So, I said to his mother, "How many times do you have to punch it?"
And he said, "Three times."
I thought, "Wow.
This child almost died three times...
so I can tell that joke."
So I want to present this event tonight for him.
He died.
I'm kidding.
Wocka Wocka Wocka!
Git-R-Done!
I flew back to New York and wrote a joke,
and I am researching honors guests at Gotham Awards.
And I see David O. Russell will be there
And David O. Russell is one from my absolute favorite director,
dating back when I was in high school.
I remember seeing the film Flirting with Disaster in the theater.
And I laugh out loud,
and then he continues to have this Oscar Award winner -
Handbook with silver lines, American Hustle, Three Kings.
And I'm reading about him, and this joke happened to me on the plane,
and I just started to laugh maniacally, alone.
Not the best look. You know, like...
"I have Ebola!"
I laugh for two reasons.
One, in jokes, and two, on absurdity
that I will tell this joke the next night
when will he sit there
And once I landed, I called my wife.
I said, "Clo, listen to this joke."
And he laughed very hard, and I will tell you a few moments.
But first, I just want to say one last thing about jokes,
which I think is a joke, the best, has the ability
to make us all feel closer to each other.
I think one of -
My favorite thing about marriage is that you can share jokes
with your wife or husband it's funny to you
and that person and no one else, other than maybe your cat
Because when you have a cat, your barometer for humor -
outside the window.
Last summer, my wife and I left on the way to Massachusetts
And I call it "Massachusetts," which is not funny But in our house, it's a joke this year!
I like, "We will go to Massachusetts."
My wife likes, "Aah!"
I'm like, "Aah!"
Our cats like, "Aah!"
Because everyone likes good words when you have cats
So, we went to Massachusetts.
When we arrived, my wife had a headache,
and he asks if I will adjust to Ivan - That's our cat - to the bedroom.
Because he's a cat in the room,
and you can't just put the cat in the room home because he will explode.
I took him to the bedroom, and while I was there,
my wife found that there were rats in the house.
And it's worse than just a mouse. They are parasitic mice.
They have toxoplasmosis, which means they have parasites in it,
and they want it in you.
They are not afraid of cats. They are not afraid of people.
We found this because my wife was watching TV on the sofa,
and he looks beside him, and there is a mouse,
and he also watches TV.
And he screamed,
and he just stared at it like Stuart Little.
Like, "Hey! What happened? I also don't like this show.
I don't know why all those women want to marry that man."
He pushed him off the sofa, and he didn't even run away.
He doesn't even rush, which is a verb found for mice.
He just walked into the kitchen like roommate
He is like, "Okay, I will go to another room.
I think you overreacted."
Then he confesses to a cam mouse in the kitchen.
He is like, "I'm not here to be friends.
I'm here to win. I'm here before they come.
I'll be here when they leave. I'm a rat."
It was from Real Mousewives from Catsachusetts
That night, I slept soundly, and my wife woke me up by grabbing my face
He said, "Mo, Ivan found the mouse.
You need to get a mouse."
And I said, "Clo...
we have a cat
We do everything for that cat.
We give him food.
We give him an apartment which he thinks is the world.
We set aside an area in the apartment for him to get dirt in. Two big directors basically said the same thing. "
Viewers enjoy it.
David O. Russell leaves.
That time is unfortunate
because he has just to receive a lifetime achievement award.
The woman who ordered me came to my desk and she said, "Mike,
David is very upset with your jokes, and I think he might leave.
Will you talk to him?"
And I said, "Of course."
Because, the worst case scenario, is running very.
The best scenario, he made me lead in the next film.
So, I walked with this woman.
He said, "This is my fault. I shouldn't let you tell that joke.
I should filter your jokes."
And I feel very bad because I want to be like,
"I won't let you filter my jokes.
I'll send you a joke trick."
I never gave a piece of paper to me with the word "cunt" written on it.
I wasn't raised like that.
♪ Christ has died, Christ has risen ♪
But on the contrary, I'm like, "Yeah, maybe it's your fault who knows?"
Then...
we get to the men's room. David O. Russell goes to the exit.
He follows it, and I follow it.
He looks at him and leaves, "Give your damn rewards to others!"
And I'm like, "Cool.
It's like we were in the video."
I returned to my desk and my wife said, "Mo, what happened?"
And I said, "Clo, this is a long story, and it's not over yet.
But we're not in Mouseachusetts anymore."
Sitting at our table is Jared Leto, but I don't know that he is
because he is preparing his role at the Dallas Buyers Club.
So he shaved his eyebrows, and he didn't eat in a few weeks.
And he bent and left, "I haven't eaten in 21 days.
And the joke makes me laugh at my ass."
I say, "Thank you, weird skeleton person.
That means a lot to me because I am a lot Difficulty right now."
He said, "David is a great collaborator."
Where is the right language from the video,
even though he left the word "C" smart
And then David O. Russell got on stage, and he gave a very beautiful speech.
He has a lot of wisdom. He sat down. The reporter said,
"David, what do you think? Mike Birbiglia's jokes?"
"Comedians will make jokes about What they will make jokes."
They come to me. "Mike, What do you think about David's reaction?"
I said, "Whatever he says is fine."
And an article out in that week's Variety magazine
about the event,
and the opening line of the article is read,
and I quote...
"Before the winners were announced
in the 22nd edition of Monday from Gotham Awards,
one thing became clear:
Mike Birbiglia won't be in the next photo of David O. Russell."
I am a joke, later.
And I think it's fair.
Because if David O. Russell is here tonight,
he will say, "I was invited to the program to be respected by my colleagues. in my life,
and everyone laughs. "
And I will say, "Sorry, sir. I have an ongoing event."
He will be escorted out of the building.
That is the side of the story.
But I want you to know the side of my story,
I gave a lot of thought before telling the joke.
I ran with comedian friends. I ran by my brother Joe,
who wrote "Christ Will Come at Ten."
we clean more often than the area where we defecate.
We have a man's agreement
that in the unlikely event that a mouse must walk through that door...
and that day might never come...
that he will kill the rat,
and we will never speak from the mouse again,
and the cat will get protection. "
That's from Catfather.
Clo says," Mo, take the mouse. "
And he gives me a cup.
I take the cup,
walk to the mouse
The mouse goes to my direction.
I move away from the mouse.
I put the cup over the mouse. I put the magazine under the cup,
and I bring it to the backyard.
I stuck it in the forest,
where I can only assume that he walked to the wolf's mouth.
The next day we go home,
and since that day, we have called that country...
Mouseachusetts.
So, I want to show something special, what happened there in the end which was a few minutes ago,
I started the story with a punch based in Massachusetts.
Catsachusetts.
We all agree as a group:
Not funny.
Some time ago...
I conclude the story with another Massachusetts-based .
That's almost identical.
That is Mouseachusetts.
But at that time, we applauded.
Which means...
by the way...
It's like we are married.
I do
So, now we are married...
I will share with you this joke that I said at Gotham Awards.
David O. Russell, like I said, is one of my favorite directors,
But unfortunately, Lily Tomlin shouted set in I Heart Huckabees many years ago.
You may have seen it on YouTube
because it was caught on a tape, it was placed on YouTube
It is seen by millions of people.
If you haven't seen it, there's nothing I can do
to properly convey How extreme these harsh words
other than typing the transcript from what he said,
print it and just read it to you
So, they were on the set of shooting this film.
They are in this class area,
and that's Dustin Hoffman, Lily Tomlin and Jason Schwartzman.
And between taking, David O. Russell is out
and he said to Lily Tomlin, and I quote,
he said, "I just tried to fucking help you!
You understand me ?!
I'm just trying to be pesky collaborators! Okay, bitch !?! I'm not here to be fucking screaming!
I didn't do this for three years bad
to have some fucking pussy screaming at me in front of a crew
help you, bitch! "
So, I think I have to talk about it on the stage because -
Because if comedy is tragic plus time,
This is the funniest thing I've ever seen.
So, I said, "David O. Russell is here."
He is about where you are, about the third line.
I say, "One of my favorite directors,
is known to go to extremes to get what he wants.
Great Director Elia Kazan once said,
" You do whatever it takes to get the shot.
David O. Russell once said,
& apos; I'm just trying to fucking help you, do you understand me?
I just became a damn collaborator.
I'm just trying to help you find out damn images Okay, bitch
I'm not here to be fucking screaming.
I didn't do this for three bad years
to have some fucking pussy screaming at me in front of the crew
When I try to help you, bitch. " I ran by my wife the night before.
I said," Clo, can I tell this joke? when I know he will be there,
and won't it suit him at all? "
And Clo says,
" It depends on what you want from the night
If you want success in the show business,
You may not tell the joke.
If you want to be honest with yourself as a comedian,
then tell the joke. "
And I say it...
because I like jokes
I really do. I like jokes
The jokes are meaningful to me.
Tonight shows here with you means for me
And the Charlie Hebdo incident in France two years ago was meaningful to me
and for many people.
After the incident, I read about this peaceful demonstration in France with nearly four million people.
It is an Israeli and Palestinian leader, people of all religions,
and they gather behind the idea
that apart from our different jokes and opinions,
Courtesy in the end is important.
And increasingly important,
because now you can send pictures and jokes and cartoons and videos
crossing the Earth in seconds
So, people in Russia are our neighbors. People in China are our neighbors.
People in Texas are our neighbors.
Which, for me, is the most worrying.
But that really raised this question:
"What does it mean to be a good neighbor?"
I think part of it is just listening to people in the context where they intend their words.
You can go from here right now and say, "Mike Birbiglia goes up on stage
and says that Jesus is an Jewish socialist who talks like Woody Allen.
Then he says, & apos; Good Tits, Betsy, os
which is sexist
Then he says, & apos; Statler and Waldorf are gay,
the homophobia .
Then he mocks the person to say it He is captured by a policewoman.
Then he says,
& apos; ♪ Christ has died, Christ has risen ♪ & apos;
which sounds phenomenal but also offends.
Then he told the cat for an hour.
What I don't enjoy because I don't have a sense of humor.
Then he doesn't tell a joke about Muslims Because he loves ISIS!
Then he said, & apos; I just tried to fucking help you, you cunt! & apos;
Then he leaves. "
And all that is true.
That's why I am careful when I tell jokes on stage,
because anything can be taken out of context. people...
killed
So, I put this in your hands.
You can choose to leave here and quote me out of context,
or you can choose not to do it.
But I believe that you will not do it.
Because we are neighbors.
And whether you like it or not...
we are married
Thank you. Thank you very much for being part of this.
♪ Christ has lied Christ is imprisoned ♪
♪ Christ will come at ten o'clock ♪
Thank you very much.
See you later, everyone. See you in the neighborhood.
- [man] Exclusive Wet Money! - [man 2 laughs]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Pesto.
Wet money
Take a look!
♪ We have to fly, yeah Don't have time to eat ♪
♪ Throw my things into my bag When I jump to my feet ♪
♪ The bag is full of beans Some bread around cold sores ♪
♪ I don't know it's something Until a woman starts singing ♪
♪ Nuts in the air, nuts in the air ♪
♪ Everyone waving nuts in the air ♪
♪ Nuts in the air, nuts in the air ♪
♪ Everyone waving nuts in the air ♪
♪ Boys, get off the plane I don't want to fight ♪
♪ Snuck to the end So he won't use EpiPen ♪ ♪ I tried to calm her down Examples from around ♪
♪ Nuts in muffins Nuts on bread now ♪
♪ Peanuts from above the ground ♪
♪ Nuts in pesto Nuts that I consume-oh ♪
♪ I said, "Hey Did he not get that thing?"
♪ Where does my sandwich go? ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ I swear I just took it out Pull it out ♪
♪ Yes, and now It's in the woman's mouth ♪
This is Mike Birbiglia's special comedy!
The greatest comedian in the world!
He didn't tell me to say that. That's just one thing I think about.
He will never say such a thing about himself.
He is very humble.
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