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I always want to tell audiences...
pre-program,
just in case you were taken here by a friend.
Sometimes friends lead us astray.
I have two friends who are very close.
My parents invited me to go see a movie.
I said, "Of course I will go see the movie with you,
because you love me.
Why on earth would you want to see me suffer?"
Then I sit War Horse Steven Spielberg,
which, if you haven't seen,
As far as I know,
is a 14-hour real-time documentary
about a soft horse struggling in vain
to break away from barbed wire.
This might be your war horse.
If that's the case,
do as I do
Take a lap outside.
Treat yourself.
There may be CVS or Rite Aid selling ice cream... nearby
because you are good friends You take risks.
And in fact, your relationship only grows deeper,
because now you know you have a different sense of humor
when it comes to certain types stand-up comedy
Oh! What an intimacy of a stinging broth.
Who are you
That's it.
Did you know that on Netflix,
is it possible to run out documentary genocide?
And I have to fill queue me with something
How else will I feel that satisfaction?
It comes from perception
I will not kill millions,
also millions of about the people who will kill me?
My queue continues to show a reality show
called Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta,
which is a show where young women choose dresses for their wedding.
And it's very similar to to the genocide documentary,
not from TripAdvisor LLC is learning from history!
This is my day,
that is the most important day in the life of a woman
Absolute strength is completely damaged.
I just want a pretty dress.
Bigger than other dresses.
Yes.
I just got married last year.
Uh... As an older bride.
What is it, the specter of the attic?
And, uh...
The problem is,
what you might ask, is...
Whoa.
That reason happened did I have enlightenment?
I am very fed up with myself asking that question
people in relationship:
"How did you meet?
Are your hands united? incidentally in the garden?"
And what do people say in relationships always say?
They always say,
"Um, well, we just met and we really like each other,
and, you know, there are ups and downs.
We like each other, so we stay together."
Oh
Oh, I'm sorry if you get bored
with your miracles
And it seems I am romance need more than that.
Like, you have to want it, but not.
Available.
Too busy.
He is that one.
But it's a deal breaker.
The possibility of falling in love with with the perfect person
at the right time is about possibility, I don't know,
found Hollywood Wait a minute.
I ask very desperate questions for years,
who, how do you make it in the show business?
Have you moved to San Diego and disguised yourself as a bush?
Move slowly to the north
under the cover of dusk?
And what famous people say?
They always say,
"Well, are you happy to do it?"
Great.
Good.
Isn't it fun, yes, keep on doing it.
Just do it, you know,
and, um...
If you don't enjoy it,
please, you know, stop
But nothing can release it from you
You can do it, and that is a privilege.
And only,
you know,
Immediately you have done it for a long time, you left, who is this,
This is what I do.
This is what I have done with my life.
Good luck.
Which is very true.
Is that the relationship?
Does it only continue? to appear without guarantee?
I can do that!
I don't realize there will be ambiguity,
doubt, confusion,
or at least the number that there is a job.
Because people always say,
after you do Something old, they say,
"I'm sure you always know you want to be a comedian."
I don't want to do this show today
You know that.
And, uh...
that means me and my boo,
me and man curl up on me,
me and me Mr. Handsome face Turkey Butt,
have a chance,
because we already have our high time.
Oh my God, When you start being arrogant.
Oh, our kisses are very hot, it must be on TV
La, la, la, la...
And then you get the workmanship stage.
That's when things get more effort.
That's when I got a bad attitude,
as in this work
I say, "I want to do invulnerability imitation of my mother,
but I don't want to do it in front of a bar,
where Raisin Bran Bowl is playing
and nobody listens. "
Well, Putri Daffodil, it will be a bad thing,
so why don't you learn to project on nine television planes
and make some friends?
And if you are lucky in life ,
You can have periods of darkness,
relationships that are equivalent to two weeks in Laughlin, Nevada.
Three bombs show night
for hundreds of silence,
angry jet skiers
= = Laugh, cry,
think, this is not at all what I want!
But there's always one left strawberry toaster cake
in the hallway vending machine.
And you break it,
and share with the opening
and headliner.
And you make through other shows.
And in that way you get a day like today,
where everything seems like that is meant to be.
Happy Anniversary to show business people
more than 20 years
I love you much more
than when we first met,
and the fact that we all still have
free will to leave each other
at certain times...
makes everything more interesting.
I'm back, I'm back!
But I'm not,
this is my special, but I don't want to go back,
but I'm back!
No, okay, okay.
No no! No!
But what if I don't come back?
But I did it, I did it.
It's full of peek-a-boo body. There aren't many comics that do that.
Oh!
You are right.
Um...
I know.
I am 46 years old.
Of course I've fallen in love many times before.
It's always more than 100% my fault,
eh, that doesn't work, Because you know how things are.
You fall in love with someone. You tell them, uh,
that you love them, and then you share with them
what do you think
is the only one that is most terrible facts about yourself
They will think it's another thing.
But...
For example, I will tell you, I love you so much.
Head up: Mental illness flows in my family.
If I start talking too fast
about wanting to connect with whales
or other ethical authority,
You will want to put me in a purple van,
take me to the doggy daycare I need to go up for the weekend.
Some people say,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa."
Fair enough.
And some people like,
"Oh well."
And I reject them.
They share with me their deepest secrets,
and a fantastic one
humans to share with me
Honey I love you,
and... I think you should know,
my father is in the mafia
I am not, but I have a million in cash if something goes down.
He uses my Social Security number.
He might try to use you,
But that won't be a problem. "
What I'm saying is," Wow, whoa, whoa. "
What I can say is,
"I work in the entertainment industry.
I am flooded with dirty money!"
Disney Channel is a front for Thai child prostitution
That is a public secret.
I've...
I have paid cash almost every night with a gun on the table
I will feel honored If your father uses Social,
and at certain points in my life, it will only raise my credit score.
I have another, uh,
handsome individuals
Share with me,
"Babe, a few years ago
I have two years, gay relationships with fuel,
But then I went to Weight Watchers,
and I regained my confidence."
What I say, very polite, is...
"Whoa, whoa, whoa."
What I can say is,
"That sounds fun!"
Life is very difficult.
I hope you make for it in points.
And...
If you want to talk about it strange sexual behavior,
I am for a period of 15 years
have one night stand at Hampton Inn or better
up and down the corridor I-35W.
They are always drunk,
I am always rock drunk.
The plan, it's cyclical.
That is a few predator signs
No one is perfect.
Let's do this!
So when my lover is delicious...
explain to me that at the age of 52
Actually he's not a virgin,
and I always dream of having a clean boy...
But he is a dirty little monkey.
And he is fine with me.
He said, "I sometimes know women who are postmenopausal...
Um, well, anyways, If you go to the psychology ward,
they don't let you have sharp stuff.
And if you grow a beard,
I'll go in and I'll shave your beard. "
That's the most The romantic thing I've heard said!
Merch!
Anyone?
Hi.
Eh, are you interested in some items?
Uh, we take, uh, cash, we take credit cards
We, uh, take barter.
Um, that's a safe dating card.
This will take you through the stages of dating,
Along the way through rape and domestic violence.
You don't have a CD or anything?
Uh, I don't sell any CDs my stand-up comedy
I know... I've bought this,
because it's my own,
but aren't I interested? in having a little more?
Hmm?
Because what if I give this one?
Signature, I hide a hat.
And then I need another.
It's perfect for athletics in you.
Jesus Christ!
Um, this is XXL.
You think, it will be too big for me,
but isn't it just possible perfect?
The size is perfect.
If you want a conversation starter,
You know, and you say,
okay, I want to wear big shorts
it will make people ask,
But then I also acknowledge my limitations as personality,
So, when you suddenly leave,
Look down,
they are not surprised
"Oh, do you want to be happy?" "Yes."
"Do you want to be successful?" "Yes."
"Do you want to buy goods?" "Yes!"
I just tricked you there.
This is a pancake pressure squeeze,
um, and then read, which is very true,
"Meds are more effective."
More available pencils.
I want 100.
Wait a minute, I buy 100!
My husband has noticed, uh, something about me.
I like to rip food packages,
take a portion of a drink,
and then leave them out and about,
and he said very well, very sweet,
"Why?"
I explained, because I am a raccoon.
I have to go in there, okay,
get what's good,
is on the way.
Oh, but what if you get sick,
You know, because sometimes it can be bad?
You will fall ill
Are you not listening
when i just mentioned that i am raccoon?
I can digest ceiling tiles.
I just need to fill this,
back to the river with my friends
Have you just brought an old salad to the bed?
It's night, I'm awake!
Um, uh...
We don't know what we are doing,
uh, so we go to see a therapist,
and we don't know if that helps,
But we have written songs about him.
Scott panic Because I locked it in the garage
accidentally for two hours, and he is like,
"Oh, my God, I'm with someone who doesn't even realize I'm not there!"
And he told Cheryl Hirsham,
and he is somewhat giggled,
and then he feels irritated and feels insecure
Then we all laugh.
I'm scared Because Scott peed is in the backyard,
and I like, "Oh, my God, are we going to Gray Gardens here,
will start collecting wet newspapers and cat food?"
And I told Cheryl Hirsham,
and he said, "Sometimes my child urinates in the backyard,
and this helps scare deer. "
You can say that he has a hot roll
Because he cares deeply about himself!
light painters, lots...
Anyways, uh, don't judge him for that.
And then he has this magazine in the lobby
called Bi-Polar Magazine.
Nineteen copies from the same edition.
I said, "Hey, can I have one?" to enter
Is it 4-0-0-2?
Wait, is it 2-0-0-4?
I don't bring my phone
and turn off social media!
Wait wait.
This is our fault.
We do all this together.
Uh...
Too many to track.
"Oh, you don't like my Facebook program."
I'm fucking here
And, uh,
I love my father.
I painted ceramic dog bank at Color Me Mine,
and of course I want to create something that means
it will last forever
The plan is tacky splashing
which is already very
unattractive ceramic dog bank
to get the following reaction:
Joel, do we have to look after This is from Maria
in the middle of the living room?
Marilyn!
This is a gift from our youngest daughter,
and it deserves honor.
Oh, I can't stand it. I can not stand.
Marilyn!
I put it in the basement.
Marilyn, I can have a fucking one something in this house is mine
Do you save money here?
This is my money, Marilyn.
It's a cheerful, tasty piece Both children can pull back and forth
during their golden year.
But you know how things are.
You create something,
You start coming out strong,
but then you work on a spicy V8
and you start to lose focus.
And, uh,
Finally I almost gave up covering the dog in one color,
brown,
and push it to the kiln.
I leave pain with anger at myself.
I said, "Is that what I have for my father?
Tchotchke that isn't flashy?"
Maria!
He hates it.
This works exactly as you planned!
Yes, and I bought a Chinese cat
to sit across from that so there is real tension.
And he doesn't put money there,
Because he said he couldn't trust me.
But when he saw,
I put my lips in the slot and I whispered my desire.
I have a secret, Marilyn.
Your mother has opened my letter for 45 years,
which is a federal violation.
I open a birthday a card from your brother
Do you hide something?
I don't know, Marilyn.
You read it.
Am I
You say that you love people.
I say that I love my niece and niece,
But is that what I say when once a year
I FedEx their wig box?
What is that...
one action really matches reality
that I never made eye contact
and I am still not clearly named?
Hey, Coltnol.
Oh, where are all,
higher shadows?
I have good friends which I know still has a flip phone,
but I keep sending the eggplant,
basketball, pizza slice,
knowing that everything he saw was a box!
I need to find a way to show others how much I love them
apart from all my words and actions.
This is what I came up with.
What is more constant, loving, and eternal from the internet?
You make...
The three-second gif says what you feel.
I care,
I care.
That way, you are closed.
It's like a fire that never goes out.
It's like the candle
outside the Tomb of Unknown Soldiers,
like, yes, we don't remember who's all stacked back here,
but we keep this.
Every time I walk past a funeral, I want to say,
"What happened?"
Wow.
That way, next time you disappoint someone
like I let you down now,
almost not enough punch lines per second
Jesus, what is this, speech?
Yes, and then after the show
He gives this shoulder-based hug.
Does he even give nonsense?
Well, why don't you click on me...
My new Snapchat story?
I love you,
But I have big glasses and mustache.
Rainbow vomit
I love you.
Glasses, mustache, rainbow vomit.
I love you.
Glasses, mustache,
rainbow vomit
I have friends who are always trying to make me do many things.
Do you want to go horseback riding?
What is that?
You go on a dusty trail with two lesbians
who used to be a partner,
but now they run a small business together.
And the horse bites.
Okay, I'll leave once,
but I will have crying all the way there,
and I will need a parcel of peanut gift Dairy Queen
on the way home.
And it's hot fudge, nuts, ice cream,
hot fudge, peanuts, ice cream,
whip cream, cherry topper
And what I'm doing is I'm looking for eyes,
Because it takes direct battle from it!
Do you want to dance swinging?
Do people still do that?
The war is over
There are lots of stockings for everyone.
Every Sunday from 2:00 to 4:00
only if you don't want to do anything
And side, side, back step, side, side.
I will go for three years,
but that's all
It turned out to be very fun.
Do you want to go to a fitness center?
It's every day at 6:00 a.m.
Because they make us into a form,
and you run
and no game elements
to distract you from reality
that you keep running and running
This is what I will do.
I will go for five days.
Fifth day, Tanya,
and I know it will be Tanya,
will say,
"Come on, Maria!
I want to see you push it!"
And I will never go again.
But you will forget to cancel automatic debit
come from your account
and pay for it for next year and half?
Of course I will.
I love you so much.
Eh, I'm not so good with chit-chat.
Eh, I like structured communication,
a stand-up, you know?
I like hard.
You know, chit, chat,
stale base.
Ugh.
Stale bases...
Where do we go with this?
There is a man in my dog's garden
who doesn't have a dog
And, um...
You are a very beautiful woman
Hmm, keep it coming.
It turns out I have all day.
Uh, Howard is 85 years old and he used to be a dog trainer.
You know, The dogs you have,
they don't know the difference between good and bad
In the same way people don't know The difference between good and bad.
The most beautiful days of my life,
I am five years old,
I ride my father's shoulder,
Times Square,
end of World War II, V-Day.
The war is over, but...
You know, at the same time
atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki,
where millions of people die
So is it good or is it bad?
Okay, this makes a lot of more sense than clicker training.
We will sit,
and we will stay,
which is not a problem for our family,
because, uh, everyone brings a cart.
We have two pounds of old who are overweight.
There is nothing running.
Uh, just to get air.
And, you know, Howard is trying to make me teach dogs something.
You must give them consequences.
Howard, we keep them alive.
Uh... isn't that cruelty?
Well, you know, if I ask you,
hey, will you raise your right hand for me,
You will say, fuck you, Howard. I don't know you
Oh, it seems like you know me.
But if I dig you underground,
put you underground for six months,
no light, no sound, no human contact,
and then I bring you back
and I said, "Well, will you raise your right hand for me
You will raise your right hand.
Procedures according to rules.
We, uh...
Our family, I do not know if you have been there,
but you know when you messed up in life on a big road,
and you look around and you think,
I have enough people who love me.
= = Even if I keep fuck up
in the main way type regularly,
I will still get a prize.
Why try
for some standard imaginary behavior?
Even if some of us, and I won't say who...
This is me!
Damn on the carpet,
Sometimes three times a day,
I can't reach that toitas,
Papa is still going to board our helicopter
to bed to curl up.
We have a big dog named Trixie.
We call him Trixie Because he can do many tricks.
Jesus Christ, we are not idiots, Howard!
Of course the name is Trixie Because he...
Unfortunately, always it's a Rottweiler on the Lakers shirt.
Pancakes are white guinea pigs and are overweight.
These things remain true as time goes by!
He's a great dog.
The only problem is he can't stop licking himself,
touching himself Together with us, this is one and finished,
but with you woman There is no reason to stop, you know?
And, uh, we will throw tennis balls at us,
spray orange juice on his face.
We have this buzzer collar.
That just makes it worse.
Yes, we, uh,
Betty,
we pug Betty, she, uh,
He swung his foot to Arnold's head and force it into position
from cunnilingus...
for hours.
Eh, we call it The Cherry Picker.
That's when I thought our animals had so much to teach us.
OK.
Okay, open the door open, open it!
Enter it! Uh...
I turn into a more professional voice
so you will feel more comfortable
exchange money and credit.
Hey, come on.
Uh...
We have T-shirts,
uh, what I use too.
All kinds of sizes.
They run big because they are made in America Uh, and they are, uh,
Unity,
unions are made
Everything made in Indochina.
Right now, the quality is good.
Uh, they're fresh.
It's very easy, it's very easy...
Okay, it's not as easy as I thought.
Um, I don't want you to feel the pressure to buy anything.
If you need the pen, you...
You can have it.
I can have it Alright alright!
I've lived in Los Angeles, uh, for so long
that I have become very positive.
I am very optimistic.
I, um,
talking to a woman in a shop,
and he said,
"I always want to open small boutiques like this,
but like gourmet deli!"
Dude,
This has started to happen
You just, you say,
"I am now a grocery seller.
I am now selling cookies,
sweets, cakes, cornucopias.
I am now."
Yes, I have two children, full time work.
That will be very difficult.
I know it's impossible,
But it's crazy how many universes support you!
Soon you will like,
oh my God, there is a warehouse.
And then like someone like,
I have a free tuna chest you can!
Then...
I am your first customer
Hello!
Is the beef fresh?
This is very strong if you make it happen.
Is the beef fresh?
Is that fresh
Um...
Is that fresh
Um, what do you know? Actually, uh...
Maybe when I think about it,
Maybe it's just something I just said it.
Maybe I don't need
want to get into retail
Open your fucking
shop!
Make real luxury items!
My beloved husband, of course,
bear the burden of from this unsolicited support
We are talking about Diana Nyad.
He swam from Cuba to Florida,
1,000 miles, open water,
without a shark cage.
He said, "Oh, I will never be able to do that!"
I say,
"Yes you can!"
Maria,
he is an Olympic swimmer
He tried five times.
He almost died twice.
I'm not a good swimmer.
I also really don't want to do it.
Why don't you believe in yourself?
We will only increase gradually
the time you spend in the bathtub!
I-I bite you with lap
to imitate jelly box stings.
I want to know why I got so angry
when someone suggests there is a limit,
and, um,
it's because I think I feel very guilty
all of my dreams come true relatively easily
about 15 years ago.
I just want to be on television.
That happens.
I want to think so, That is the result of hard work.
But if you know me at all,
You know that I am sleepy and I don't remember
what you just told me
That makes a fortune.
Luck is just another way of saying,
some of us are born
glide to home plate
Uh, I was given a full travel scholarship
until the age of 25 by an organization called
Bamfords!
I'm talking to a group high school students,
and none of us knows why I'm there.
Very confusing,
not a little scary.
I'm saying something very not recommended,
Like, "You can do anything You determine your mind, turtle!"
The kid behind says,
"Um,
this isn't that easy."
As the last lesson for Career Day,
if you can take one of my head shots from 1999
I ordered 1,000 in a hurry
and never need them,
and if you can throw it away,
Looks like not.
And as you say to yourself,
"Huh?
Who is that even?
I don't even want to be what I am.
It's like,
He's shaky."
How does he even have a job?
Know what an individual is
managed to reach
with a small amount of effort...
and every possible profit.
"She's like an old baby."
Yes!
That is a perfect description from what I am
Very old,
and like a baby.
Getting older.
I am still getting older.
Hearing a colleague say,
"Wow, he really let himself go!"
And I just feel happy.
uh, because of that... is my plan
I will go to Detroit,
leaving all infrastructure,
let my neural pathway
grow slack by not being used.
People usually come here.
Oh!
He is very beautiful.
He...
He is very beautiful under the moonlight.
He is just a little girl.
But disgusted with the man's voice, uh,
You know, like, God,
Is this my citizenship assignment?
Do I need to take care of myself? looks tight, swollen, and wet...
so as not to decrease property values
from the person I'm standing next to?
And then I think of Los Angeles.
We have 100,000 people live on the streets
We need more than me.
More places you can take emotional equivalent
from a shopping cart full of dead car batteries
and drag up.
I am a very good place to squat.
I can't provide any services,
but...
If you are at a party,
or you stand around, don't feel welcome,
Come sit next to me
I can be a shelter from the storm.
Uh, I like my work, but sometimes I lie
about what I did, uh...
Because, uh, sometimes I say I'm a bookkeeper, you know?
If I am in a closed room.
I hope I am
I do all my own Quicken and QuickBooks.
I have also been audited by the IRS
five times!
It turns out they owe $ 25!
Bro!
Uh...
Because I might be eccentric,
but I keep my receipt in a bucket.
And, um...
the reason I say that, uh, I am a book holder
is because one day I was on a flight from Los Angeles to New York,
and a woman says,
What do you do, what do I do?
And he goes into PTSD awareness stream
traumatic monologue
about the worst experience I've ever...
Night... when my husband,
we are in the front row of a comedy show,
and comedian,
That is an hour and no, there is no laughter.
He bombs, and,
do you know what? We can't go.
And that is very painful.
First...
strange and...
I will never see stand-up comedy ever.
We apologize you experienced it with our service.
If there is a way we can win back your business,
Actually, I want to get your e-mail address _ and your birthday and set you up with 20 free tickets to comedy shows!
It turns out, for the most part,
as you all know,
Comedy tickets are...
free.
I then defensively asked him
what he does to make a living
He then explained that he was an employee
from a small Canadian company called Cirque du Soleil
as a fucking clown
Now I,
Of course, I dated a clown before.
And I sit in six shows
of clowns as a figure of Christ.
Christ clown crucified.
Red rubber nose,
the audience is armed with water balloons,
asked to throw them into the word clown
while shouting, "Jewish!"
If you want to talk about it
Discomfort in art,
dive in.
I wish I had paid to see the show.
But I'm always on the guest list.
Eh, I have to take a break from work Because, uh, I became mentally.
And, uh...
my friend told me, hey, you talk a little too fast,
have a lot of nonsense.
Eh, why don't you enter the Ford Flex,
and I will, uh, your motorbike to the public storage
And, uh...
I enter the psychiatric facility,
which, if you haven't, uh,
Don't feel bad if you go,
and, uh...
they are terrible
You are not mistaken.
They are all bad, everything is bad.
Uh...
It's as if an art director entered and said,
"Okay, I want to break five more chairs,
and then we need...
uh, at least three pieces of are taken from each puzzle.
And...
widescreen TV,
let's play Ultimate Fighting Championships
at maximum volume,
lost remote.
They sit me with the psychic,
and he said, you know, the usual question
"Why are you here?"
Oh, I have...
explicit plans for suicide.
"Okay, good."
Uh,
quite common
"What, uh, what is the situation?"
Every time is unbearable.
"Eh, what work did you do?"
I am a comedian
There is no response.
Feel... very relieved.
And he returned to his small laptop, um, and some music came out of it,
and I like, well that's kind of weird. Uh, but I understand, uh...
Often, the in the bright stall is now actually
I have a little, uh, Video Wimp playing baby turtles
try eating raspberries
And rightly so,
When at work when bored,
I have something to cheer me up.
That doesn't affect my performance at all.
Um...
He turned the laptop over,
and he said, is this you?
And I said, yes, obviously that's me,
with more make-up and better material.
And, uh...
He said, "I need your YouTube
because I am worried that you are delusional."
Since when was originally psychosis
to claim that in any way you are involved
in the entertainment industry?
Very polite to wait
until someone goes space for their IMDb.
And that is not what I said I am Richard Pryor.
And if I confess so
one of the best comedians from our last century
and able to do anything
from the bottom 1979
Long Beach stand-up special,
or,
Maybe, what is even stranger,
uh, can already quote some of the less well-known ingredients
about the difference between beating white women and black women.
Uh,
doesn't age well.
But the joke is on me,
uh, because, uh, psychiatrist then puts me in mood stabilizer
whose main effect is cognitive,
makes it almost impossible to think or speak
Ho in!
Or should I say, "Oh no."
Yes.
Seventy-two hours later, you know how things are going, you have to work.
Oh, God, go back to work.
I'm working on things.
I really do inner work so I can go back and get,
back to work.
I found myself in downtown Chicago, bleeding.
I have lost all my identification
and make this noise.
Ah.
I called my mother and said,
He...
He said, "Honey, somehow, what do you know?
Whether you get to the airport,
say... Go to Delta Priority. I do what my mother tells me,
and it turns out, uh,
points are not a bad form of health care.
Get an upgrade
Uh... I bleed and cry,
but lots of leg room.
Merch for sale
Mer... Merch to...
Merch for sale!
Hi friend.
Sell, um, some items.
I don't want to force you into anything. Whatever is in your budget.
All money goes, uh, to support
uh, mental hospital
It's in my hometown, Miller-Dwan.
My mother lives there and works there.
And this is a pencil
who has hope on this side.
There are words "Hope"
so you can grind "Hope",
very slow
And at the bottom it says,
"More items available."
Look at that, it looks perfect on you.
- Successful. - Do you know what?
This... Everything is free.
Everything is free
I can't, I can't sue these people.
Take it, take it, take it.
Take it. It & apos; s-it's all yours.
And thank you for coming to the show.
We have collected one dollar.
Every dollar is important.
The dollar can go to
a packet of graham biscuits,
You know, they won't have it.
Finally I returned to work about a year and a half later,
and everyone is really good about it,
uh, back
But I have one co-worker saying,
"Hey, Bamford.
Hearing about what's happening in Chicago.
Oh man. Jeez"
Yes, that's not cool.
I have to cancel the cancellation like six shows.
I-I still owe a lot of money.
I'm on, I'm on...
payment plan
Yes, I was never redeemed at a show.
I have a temperature of 495 degrees.
I am the temperature from pieces of charred pork.
But I did my 90 minutes,
then I lose control of my stomach.
That's awesome, man.
Good for you.
I just can't think or speak,
and I think that maybe is not as easy as I expected.
Yeah, comedy must be funny.
And that must be funny for everyone, you know?
If it's not funny,
it's not comedy
And I tested my dirtyness.
I go to China this year.
I am not accepted I do not have a Visa.
But I succeed,
and now I have a tight time imitation of chopsticks.
I'm a cat cat, rabbit,
uh, walrus, llama.
You know, I can do ten city tours
from Gansu province if necessary.
That's awesome, man.
So you are never afraid of appearing outside certain groups or what?
No no.
I just opened the pop-up microphone on live births
You know, Mother is disturbed,
but only to be there
You know, for the baby's first laugh.
And, uh, actually,
someone has used one from my cover
which I use for younger people.
And that really pisses me off,
because I have done that since the early 90s and I got a recording on it.
If you see people doing it,
if you can tell them to stop and stop.
His...
Oh, shit, peek-a-boo is yours?
Humans.
Yes.
You know, basically I decide for copyright
all human experience.
That's awesome, man.
I think I'm just... I'm just not...
I don't have that ambition inside me anymore.
I don't know if it's the medicine, but...
Like even before tonight's show,
I looked at the shadow from my Diet Coke tallboy.
And I said, "Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, kid.
I want to see 20 percent,
if not five
Because you know what?
Continue?
Who cares?
That's not even a damn business. "
I'm so scared of going into a psychiatric institution,
I think, what if someone knows?
Eh, this is what happens if anyone knows
I'm there,
And, um, someone came and said,
"Hi,
I am one of the therapists here.
Um. I know you.
Not personally, But we have the same friends,
Joe De La Rosa?
He is a comic from New Jersey.
He is fantastic.
He does The Laugh Factory, Comedy Shop.
I've never seen you there. They're great clubs.
Have you ever tried to get in there?
Because it seems like,
there are only a lot of people.
But, um...
Anyways, I just, I want to tell you
that this is really secret,
and I will never tell anyone. "
Oh.
I was wearing a dress in a region-bound
= I have a dream come true, uh,
which I don't believe in.
Show businesses come to me Duluth's hometown, Minnesota
and say things like that
that show business no,
things like,
"This is amazing.
Oh my God.
It's like little San Francisco here.
It's like Monaco freshwater.
Why have I never heard of it? from this Duluth, Minnesota?
We definitely have to shoot here.
We want to use local talent,
all local caterers
Let's start the list of people
who might be interested in acting in television series
in the area.
We will see you next month. "
And then what happens...
is nothing
And, uh...
I was left...
I told my mother, and she,
= = "Honey, but they have dinner twice,
and they say I'm very talented
and your father has a gift,
and that...
everyone on the lake can play a role. "
Oh, Mother.
We just need to go to each of them people and tell them
they really have one of the most
authentic show business experiences...
you can have.
Which...
is being given a full ghost.
Don't know what ghosting is?
That's when someone states their eternal love for you,
and then disappear face of the earth
Cannot happen in a small town.
That person will only say, "I saw you there."
I tried to explain to my mother
It shows business like having friends
with terrible drinking problems
I really love him.
if you get him right...
Just... the right time...
"You're the most beautiful.
So you are my best friend.
I love you, okay
Only you.
Only me and you, okay?
And really love you. "
The next day,
he might have forgotten about what we talked.
Sorry, I don't know who you are.
These are hot dogs, they are only for the main talent.
Extra extra hot dogs
is behind two warehouses
and semi running.
They are exactly the same as hot dogs.
But it's 2,000 yards
behind the truck that lights up
We live next to the frat house and, uh...
it's just as funny as you think.
Overnight, They play Sweet Home Alabama
uh, around 3:30 a.m.
What I don't realize is still talking to people.
And...
my husband pulled it, uh, pajama pants,
gets to his little beard.
I wear a t-shirt nightdress
with a long gap
I got in 1994
from St. Airport Paul Minneapolis
with deer on it.
And we go there and say, "Hey.
You guys,
We don't have a job, but come on."
"Oh, I'm very sorry.
You know, very sorry about noise, you.
Hey, come on, you guys. , sorry about this, you know?
Usually, you know,
we are the same as you, you know
We are total nerds. "
Wait, nobody says anything about nerds.
"Yeah, but this is our senior year,
so we really try to enjoy our house."
Oh, we understand.
Yeah, Scott 52 and I 46.
This year we will do it. We will try anal.
So if you hear it, "Yelps!"
It's just fun.
We just try to enjoy our home.
We have many genders.
Lots of fudging and wedging
and lotions and potions
and fluid and poultices,
jam and jelly.
Custard, mustard, sauce,
souses, and foam soup,
smoothing milk
Hustle, frenzied,
hustle and bustle, bustle, bustle.
Hammer, anvil, hammer,
runway, hammer, runway!
I have to say,
I used to look down on people with hobbies.
And, uh...
I like,
"What are you doing there without money?
You get cash on the back of this hiking deal?
This goes somewhere?"
Then I look down on what I always do
very happy for fun and free.
I always fill out self-help manuals of several types.
I haven't changed
Can be seen in 25 years,
which means I've played very long,
super fun game
emotional Sudoku.
My husband and I got a board at home
Your great-grandfather is an alcoholic
who is in the army who defeats his son,
who is an alcoholic
in the army that defeats his son,
who is an alcoholic
on the marines who beat you
You are not involved in the armed forces at all.
You don't drink
But you have very bad PTSD
that you think you can clench your ass and fly the plane.
The section is complete.
My great-grandmother had six children
and then never be able to go the attic to raise them
My grandmother died in her own fire.
My mother has a big 15 in a secret savings account
In case the next time he goes manic
He wants to stay in a good hotel.
I have this thing called Vaginismus.
Whenever something interesting approaches my vaku,
he slams the lid!
And I have to convince him to open flowers
with juice and stories.
All we need is, uh...
two alcoholics, suicide,
and Seven, and we can break popcorn.
This is very fun!
Have you ever read the work? Dr. John and Judy Gottman?
They are family therapists.
You - You are watching the Four Horsemen from Apocalypse
in all your relationships without criticism, humiliation,
defensive, and stonewalling.
So, say your friend says,
"Hey, look at the sailboat!"
You say "Criticism."
That stupid sailboat. Insults. "
You and your damn sailboat!
Fuck.
Uh, defend yourself.
And they give us this magnet that looks like a piece of floor,
and you give it to your partner when you finish talking and you say,
now you have a floor
And...
It costs $ 900.
We photograph us with their cardboard pieces
Because they can't be there.
And they have...
they have also given us an acronym for love,
Which one, Let others voluntarily evolve.
That's so much fun!
Um, my husband and I are LARP.
We Live Action Role Play...
as our mother
Hey, Linda.
Look, this is Marilyn.
I have a new wallet with my Hilton Honors Points
and I'm just, uh,
I think of you.
Oh, Marilyn, I don't need a wallet.
I don't have anything to put in one.
There is no place to go
Well, Linda,
You need to treat yourself.
You lift four beautiful children
through a very difficult situation,
and you...
I have nothing to do with that.
They have a terrible childhood.
I was amazed that they even survived.
Well, you know, Linda,
You know, the problem is, kid,
the problem, yeah
I... when...
I...
You have never worked day in your life, Marilyn.
I worked for 40 years as a nurse.
I stand on a man's death bed
because they beg for hand work with their dying breath.
He really says "Blowjobs",
but please don't say That's because my mother.
Well, I have to tell you,
As soon as you give Maria details, you know?
This is rather out of all our hands.
Uh...
Linda, I understand, you know.
My husband Joel,
I am a continuous woman.
He is 75 years old, But he still has his appetite, you know?
Sometimes I feel like wearing a diamond solitaire necklace like a yoke.
Do you want to watch? one of hundreds of my DVDs
starring Timothy Olyphant?
We can have some brown strawberries
from Shari & apos; s Berries,
Still cold from the internet.
You can't sit next to me.
I don't like people.
Eh, listen, Linda.
I will put my wallet between us,
and we can pretend we are in the comfort of the Delta economy.
Give yourself an upgrade.
We deserve it.
Sorry. Good.
So, that's rude.
This is the area of one woman's performance.
Apology, apology
Okay, this is the most frightening part of from the show
I try to believe in something,
and, uh...
I can't, there's more,
bigger
from myself,
and I just, I can't,
I can't think of anything.
And, um...
But then I remember there was this game that we used to play when we were little,
and it's called One Big Blob.
What happened: me,
You run away from me,
fear, fear
I start chasing you,
while singing,
one big lump!
One big lump!
Finally I finally caught one of you,
and that will be you
I got you. Come on, take my hand, take my hand.
And now we both have to start singing.
One big lump!
Now you catch the person next to you.
I know.
One big lump!
And then we start catching each other. Come on, you guys!
It takes a long time,
and lots of effort.
Come on everything!
One big lump!
Join hands.
One big lump!
I will wait!
One big lump!
I also don't want to do it.
One big lump!
I know it's weird.
One big lump!
You can do it!
One big lump!
That's great. Okay now...
It's good
Isn't it uncomfortable to be in that lump?
This is terrible!
Your hands sweat.
But you have to do it,
and we have to stay together because you have to catch one outlier,
Maybe someone will come out back door,
the winner is clear, but what is he?
Because he is alone.
He is alone.
And everyone must let themselves be caught
Because otherwise the game will never end,
and that is a bad game.
Everyone just wants to play soccer,
individual games achievements and glory
So, um, anyways,
if we can just lump in a few things.
Um... I can hang religion in that matter.
Anyways, that's me, that's what I love.
Thank you very much for working together!
That was just made! That was fun!
One big lump.
I should mutter with you, Arnold.
I should have flinched with you.
Thank you very much. Thank you!
Thank you very much!
Thank everyone in this flat,
and on the balcony!
Thank you very much. Thank you!
I have one more song.
Please sit down,
have your seat
I have one more song, and, um...
I love music
And you know, I'm not trained, uh, classic.
But, uh...
I have worked on several...
Oh, that's just a fart sound.
Yes.
Yes they are.
Oh, it's not music.
That's what they say about Stravinsky,
Philip Glass, punk.
If this is my song,
How can I continue to sing?
The loudest criticism...
have come from fellow comics.
Who said, "Jesus Christ, Mary.
Are you no longer writing?"
No.
Hmm, I just wrote that.
Perform a serious face, a serious face now.
Yes!
That's good.
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