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Please and do the lights.
[audience cheers]
Continue.
Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K.
[audience cheers]
Hello.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Um...
-So, you know, I think abortion is, um... - [audience laughs]
I...
This is what I think.
[audience laughs]
This is what I am - This is what I think.
This is what I think. MY--
I think you should not have an abortion unless you need it [audience laughs]
In this case-- In this case, you should get it.
I mean, seriously.
If you need an abortion, you should get it.
Don't mess around.
And hurry up.
[audience laughs]
Do not get an abortion what you need is like not taking dirt.
That's how bad it is.
It's like not taking dirt.
That's what I think.
I think abortion is exactly like bad luck.
I think it is 100% The exact same thing as taking dirt.
or not.
[audience laughs]
That, or not.
It's good to take dirt, or kill a baby
[audience laughs]
That is only one of two things.
There is nothing else.
If you don't like to hear it It's like taking nonsense,
You think it kills the baby. That is the only thing you can get.
Which means you have to hold a sign in front of the place
[audience laughs]
People hate abortion protesters. They are very shrill and horrible.
They think babies are killed.
What are they supposed to be like? "Uh, that's not cool."
I don't want to be a dick about it, though.
I don't want to ruin their day as they are kill some babies all the time
I don't think it's killing a baby. Not me.
I mean, it's a little,
This kills a little baby. It's a little...
100% kill babies. This really kills whole babies.
[audience laughs]
But I think women should be allowed to kill babies
That's what I think.
They must be allowed to kill babies.
Yes. [laughs]
[crowd cheering]
What
We can kill babies!
Let's do a few shots and kill some babies.
[audience laughs]
I was killed like four babies last night. It's backward.
It must be one or the other.
You know, like, when people say, abortion must be legal, safe and rare.
Why is it rare if you have to be legal?
If it must be legal, it & apos; s-- [raspberry punch] it shitting
If it has to be rare, it will kill the baby But, once again, women must be permitted because...
Two reasons I think women must be allowed to kill babies.
Number one, I don't think life is important.
No.
That's not it.
[audience cheers]
People are too excited...
about life. "Oh, life."
Fuck you That's not it--
Make a list of every bad thing that has ever existed, that in life
[audience laughs]
Life is okay. I like life
I like that. I don't need it
I'll be fine without that
I like life. I do Do you know how much I like life?
I never killed myself.
-That's how I like it. - [woman] Whoo!
That's how much I like it, with thin margins.
I really like it not to commit suicide
This is a choice, though. This is really a choice.
I mean, I'm 49. I have two children.
I have been flipping through the brochure several times.
[audience laughs]
I've thought about killing myself to win an argument
[audience laughs]
It shouldn't talk about suicide, even reaching your psychiatrist.
You have been to a psychiatrist and they are like, "Do you have thoughts... kill yourself?"
And you are like, "No, because if I say yes, you will press the button,
and people will run and hold me back - " Hold him! "
You have to talk about it.
All the world is only made of humans who don't commit suicide today.
Who is here
We all go, "Okay, just kill, keep doing."
[audience laughs]
[ the audience claps]
His...
[audience cheers]
This is an interesting thing about life.
Life can be very difficult, very sad, very annoying.
But you don't need to do it. You don't need to do it.
You don't need to do anything.
You don't need to do anything because you can kill yourself
[audience laughs]
If they send letters to you from Motor Vehicles, enter and:
"No, no, I will kill myself."
You can do it. You can do it once.
But you can do it.
This is interesting because even though life becomes bad, people choose it without anything Even the worst life versions, Even life that is annoying and bad,
worth living, apparently.
Because people just live out of them.
[audience laughs]
Have you ever seen someone, like you, "He had to commit suicide.
Why didn't he... that man..."
Ever driving and you see In the next car, you are like, "Ugh, damn.
I hope I don't look into the car.
It's hard to glance...
Only a man in a...
In the tan car.
[audience laughs]
No one chooses tan.
[audience laughs]
No one chooses a tan for their car.
They give you chocolate.
[audience laughs]
"Is that mine?" "Yes, it's yours, damn loser Make it brown."
They shouldn't even make a tan car. This means making them.
You look up, you see a man in a tan car with a dent on it
and garbage bags for windows.
[imitating the flapping bag]
What is holding back suicide?
- [audience laughs] -What is delaying it?
What is holding it back? from stopping being that?
[audience laughs]
And what is needed?
What is needed?
Both windows are garbage bags? Is that...?
[audience laughs]
Seriously, do you know how many tribulations are involved in garbage bags for windows?
Do you know how many separate moments bad luck?
"They canceled my insurance. I broke my window.
Duct tape."
[ripping noise]
This is the truth. Escape won't finish your problem That's right.
But kill yourself all your problems
That really is.
This even solves world problems.
For you.
"Hey, what about ISIS?"
"Kill yourself
[audience laughs]
Then they can never catch you."
[audience laughs]
Seriously, if everyone is afraid of ISIS
suicide now,
then ISIS lost.
[audience laughs]
Because they live in the world of people, it doesn't annoy.
"We will cut off his head!"
"Yes, okay."
"It's not fun now."
[audience laughs]
I think the worst part is beheaded...
-If... - [audience laughs]
The worst thing about being beheaded is that you really look stupid.
That's the worst.
They go like that, and you like: "Duh."
[shouting]
Only that dopey dopey...
I don't think they are beheaded People are bald because they can't do this...
That's the best part.
They must go like this.
[audience laughs]
This isn't cool.
So, just shave the top of your head, and you don't have to worry about that.
So, that's the first reason.
That is the first reason I think women must be allowed to kill babies.
[audience laughs]
Because life is not so important.
The second reason is because that is their job.
Women must decide who dies and lives.
That's because they are women of species.
In the reproductive arena, That is what women do.
They are selectors. They must decide this.
We give them this responsibility when do we make love to them
We go, "Here, you decide What should be done with this nonsense?"
[audience laughs]
See you later.
He must find out If you have to have children,
if he has to have it That is his job. Because women have an assessment.
They have an assessment. Men do not have an assessment.
Men have intentions.
Men just want to spray the world with their cum, just fog.
"More than me.
[imitating explosion]
More than me."
[continues to imitate the explosion]
It's his job to go, "That's enough of you, I think.
No, that's really enough."
[audience cheers]
I don't think that the face needs to be repeated.
I've seen your father, and that doesn't improve.
He doesn't realize this until after you make love to him
That is actually when he really knows, is when you like, "Yeah!"
And he's like, "I don't have it this is a damn baby piece."
[audience laughs]
And that's why abortion is the last line defense
against annoying people in this species.
So, we need them to bite every poor baby
[audience cheers]
I mean, all animals do this. Animals do it too late.
They have babies.
Then they are like, "Do you know what? It's cold. I will eat this one."
[audience laughs]
"But when is it okay? When should they be allowed?"
When in their pussy. All that time
It's in her vagina.
If there is a guy in your vagina, you can kill him.
I think it's pretty basic.
You are allowed to kill people if they are at your house
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers]
So... that's what I think.
[audience laughs]
I have two children.
[chuckles]
I try to be a better person around my children
I try to change my behavior around them.
Like, I have rules in my house, they all apply to me
Like, I have a regulation that I don't curse my children.
That's the rule. That happened.
You have a tense moment, and you are with your children,
So you say something accidentally.
One time I was making dinner for my children, and I gave my child one bowl of soup.
And I said, "This is your damn soup."
[audience laughs]
But, uh...
You can see how it's a difficult situation...
You should teach your children correctly from the wrong I don't know, this is confusing.
Some people raise their children religiously and that includes it.
They are like going, all this. Do it.
I don't raise my children religiously because I don't feel that way.
Wake up on Sunday? Fuck it
Let your soul rot, children. I don't care I don't get...
"Father, who is Jesus?" "There is no business for you, go back to sleep."
[audience laughs]
But my children, they live in the world.
If you don't raise them religiously, you teach them about religion.
I tell them that there are many religions in the world, and all are the same.
But Christians are the main.
That's what I told them.
Christians win.
They are the winners.
So, act accordingly.
And that's true. It is true.
We like to say to ourselves, like, "Every religion is exactly..."
No, no, no.
Christians win everything.
A long time ago.
If you don't believe me, let me ask you questions. What year is it now?
[audience laughs]
[audience claps]
What year does he think? for all humanity?
And why?
What year is it now? Anyone? Sir, just shouted this year.
Thank you. 20-- 2016?
This is 2017. What is that?
That's a number.
This is not just any number.
This is definitely a very important number.
Because we rely on it simultaneously as a species.
For thousands of years, we have gone:
"One two three--
Come on, everyone, four -"
Now, come on, Africa, five, six... "
What is this number?
We counted the days since? Not all of them.
It's been 2017 since what? Anyone, screaming it. = Right.
Already 2017 years since Christ!
Jesus.
We count the days since Jesus.
Together.
Which makes sense if you are a Christian. what do we do?
"Jesus is here, Jesus is here. Jesus is here. "
Everyone. Scientist, historian.
" Jesus.
Jesus. "
"Jesus added two, Jesus added three, Jesus added four."
Jesus added 2017 years, four months and three days
is the time of your license.
[audience laughs]
How is it not a victory for Christians?
How is that not a perfect victory?
It's not Monday in October.
That, "There was no time before Jesus."
And the whole world goes, "Alright.
Sure."
Then someone like, "What about the previous years?
There are billions. I mean, infinity."
"They retreat."
[audience laughs]
"You want us to measure at most history backwards?
To accommodate one religion?"
Uh huh.
"Okay, we'll do it, it's fine. We will do it."
Worldwide. Have you watched New Year's Eve all over the world?
They always show how each country celebrates. This is very cool.
The first is a small island.
This is the first real place that place that year.
This is a small island in the Pacific. I forget.
They perform small ceremonies for New Year's Eve every year And they only use grass.
Because they don't even have a stick. They are in the age of grass.
[audience laughs]
They don't have a clock.
But they dance.
[singing]
"2017."
And that happens all over the world, [Chinese accent] "Oh, 2017."
[talking nonsense]
[Middle East Accent] "Death to all Christians in 2017."
[audience claps]
[normal voice] The Jews quietly track down.
This is really 5,766.
-But it's for us. We only-- - [audience laughs]
It's okay.
[audience cheers]
We track when you snap from it Yes, right. Pain -
I will write a cover letter to you. I don't want any problems
What about the Chinese New Year?
Yes, what about the Chinese New Year?
OK, The next time you do your tax,
just write "monkey" where the year goes.
[audience laughs]
Put monkeys
See what happens with your funds.
No. This is 2017, the year of our Lord...
Hit Jesus on the nose.
And they make it, That's the weirdest part.
They must change the name of the year that has already happened.
Because, you know, It's not those years.
You know that right? It's three years...
not third year...
during the third year.
No one was walking around at that time, "Hey, what year?" "It's three o'clock."
[audience laughs]
"Yeah, but I'm 28.
[audience laughs]
How can I get 28...
If it's only three?"
"Oh, okay, look, you were born in BC 24.
And there are zeros. Remember going back?
Oh, damn. That is very stressful. "
What is it like?
"What year is it now?" "Ten."
"What year is it now?" "Nine."
What will happen ?!
[audience laughs]
So, I don't know how to tell my children.
I have those dogs, which is a mistake. I shouldn't get the dog.
Because we are saved by a dog.
-We got - we adopted-- - [woman] Whoo!
Yes, you have to go back - yes, always save.
If you get a dog, get a rescue dog.
Don't let puppies...
from those horrible people who professionally care for dogs carefully.
[audience laughs]
No.
You only need to get a mystery dog...
[audience laughs]
it's been beaten and abused
and trauma on the streets of Puerto Rico.
And can't talk with anyone now.
They never know.
"Do you know about the dog?" "Uh, he's afraid of a penny. So, you take this random dog
and just put it in your house With your family,
and notice their personality revealed.
[audience laughs]
This dog is crazy.
I will walk into the kitchen, and the dog just stands there alone like this...
[audience laughs]
I'm like, "Are you okay?
Are you okay?"
My children are afraid of that dog.
My daughter goes for pet dogs, dogs go like...
He is like, "Should I lead him?" "Not me I think you should bring our dog, honey."
I took him to the vet. I brought the dog to ask him what to do.
The veterinarian said, "Look, I think there is something
You have to really consider it."
I like, "Please say to kill this dog.
Please be a doctor who says that the dog is dead now."
But apparently not. He said--
He said, "I think you should consider it Prozac... for the dog."
I'm like, "Really?"
He said, "Yes, this works. This calms the dog.
But this is a big decision, and you have to think about it. "
I say, " Put four in the bastard right now.
[audience laughs]
What should I think about?
I don't care what he has
Fucking fix it.
[audience laughs]
Give him heroin Shoot him. "
[audience laughs]
" Come on, puppy. "
" Wow, your dog is really cold. "
" Yes.
It costs only $ 400 a day to keep it that way. "
[audience laughs]
I don't always feel this way. I used to like animals.
I used to worry about animals.
Only animals.
When I was like 20, " Is it all doggie is okay everywhere?
I certainly hope so. "
But I'm 49, and now I have two children.
You know what happened Your circle of worry tightens.
I have four nieces. I don't love one of them.
[audience laughs]
Fuck a dog.
Do you know the ad, like PSA on television about animals being abused?
They show dogs with, like, an empty socket, and he is like... [whining]
And they are always wet.
I feel they have dropped it before they film them.
[whining]
And the sound is on, "Look at these dogs.
These dogs are beaten every day.
Please send money so this can stop."
Do you beat the dogs?
[audience laughs]
How do my money fix it?
You see the PSA where do they show a sad man?
He is very upset, people who are very sad.
He holds a small sign, and it says, "Yes, of course."
And he said, "This is the text which killed my daughter."
Because someone sent an SMS, "Yes, of course," and ran to his son, which was terrible.
Although they might respond to a text
who says, "Can you kill the child?"
- [audience laughs] -And so, they just...
reply and do it
I'm not saying that makes it better.
I just say we don't have all the information
[audience laughs]
My children and I are having breakfast other days,
and we are listening to NPR.
We always listen to NPR, because we are better than you
And...
We are listening to NPR At breakfast this morning.
There is this story where they continue to use this phrase
They keep saying, "9/11 deniers."
They keep saying that.
"9/11 deniers."
And my daughter is like, "What is that?"
I said, "Okay, this is a group of people Think September 11 is a conspiracy."
And he said, "Oh, I thought they said nine 11-deniers."
[audience laughs]
Yes, he thinks that means nine people who doesn't buy 11 of this nonsense?
[audience laughs]
Only small fringe groups. There are only nine of them.
But they still use NPR.
They arrived at the radio because... they were dedicated
They protest every day.
They are nine 11-deniers.
They are outside the White House, [shouting] "It goes, 10, 12, 13!
[audience laughs]
Me and my eight friends know it!
We are nine 11-deniers.
We know that 11 is a crap number...
is spread to people by humans.
Why do we have 11?
If we have 13,
and 14 and 15... .
and 16, 17,
motherfucking 18, and 19,
But we don't have teenagers.
What happens to one teenager?
The government takes one teenager,
and replace it with some nonsense called 11.
We are nine who deny that nonsense.
Mr. President, give us one more teenager! "
[normal voice] I don't mean to offend every Chinese person with this stereotype.
But--
[shouting] " Right, I'm Chinese, you bastard.
I am from Beijing.
I live in Shanghai.
I'm Chinese — more than a bastard.
Chopsticks and others. "
Ha! [normal voice] All right.
I'm sorry.
This is the problem...
dangerous stereotypes.
That's the truth. laugh]
And I don't know how to reconcile the two facts. I enjoy the sounds.
But they offend. So, I did it at home.
I used to do it for my children.
They like them, don't know it's a race.
They enjoy it. "Do a friendly person."
[voice in] "You want me to be a friendly person, little girl?"
[princess] "We love friendly people."
[deep voice] "He loves little white girls.
Let's eat scrambled eggs."
[audience laughs]
[normal voice] They grow up, and I like,
"Don't talk about friendly people at school.
[audience laughs]
Maybe not talk to your teacher about that."
My children go to public schools in New York City
- Yeah, alright. - [audience cheers]
Send your children there.
[audience laughs]
Yes, that's good. This is good.
Teach them That's how life is.
The teachers amaze me because - I don't know, the worst -
This is the worst thing about this country, is that there is no more noble profession
rather than being a public school teacher.
-Please. Please, don't - [audience cheers]
You won't like it
- [audience laughs] -You won't be where you are going.
I don't recommend applauding anything.
You will regret it at the end of the problem.
In democracy, nothing else You can make a noble contribution
rather than teaching in public schools.
In this country, people who do that, they're damn losers
They are just damn losers!
[audience laughs]
And everyone knows that, but they keep on doing it
New people teach every day, know how bad it is.
They appear, tell them beforehand.
"Hi, what is this job?"
And they say, "Okay, this is what we need for you to do.
We need you to make children know math."
Wow.
"Do they want to know mathematics?" "No, they don't want to know.
You need to get them to know against their will
While they explode sexually and beat each other."
[audience laughs]
"Who are these children?"
"Just stay with the kids" near the building [audience laughs]
Heh. "How much do I get paid?" "About $ 10 every four years."
[audience laughs]
"What if I can do it? What happens?"
"Nothing.
Nobody pays attention, and you are fired, and you die by yourself."
"Okay, I'll try it for 25 years."
[audience laughs]
My daughter is learning about Greek mythology.
And he asked a question about that.
He is like, "Father, who is Achilles's mother?"
I said, "I don't know. Don't ask me that nonsense.
I don't know who is Achilles's mother." Don't shout if you know.
"This is Campampetes." No one cares about what you know.
[audience laughs]
He has a question about Achilles, it is interesting.
I will tell you. But first, the Achilles story is very fast.
Achilles are babies.
She is a Greek baby.
And... he doesn't stay like that.
But when he... a Greek baby,
his mother, who is a goddess, took her to River Styx,
that is in Hades, the land of the dead.
And he dipped it in water from River Styx because there is a magical quality to that water
that you will make you unable to stand from any danger
You can't get hurt.
It feels like a shield, isn't it?
So, he dipped it into the water to protect it
But he hugged him with heels.
That's important detail.
He is held with heels, which is an awkward way to hold a baby.
With heels
Try holding the baby with heels and dipping it into the river.
You will never see the baby again.
[audience laughs]
That's how to get rid of a baby.
[Spanish accent] "I lost a baby in water.
I tried to wash it, and he fell in the river. with heels.
He slips. "
[Normal voice] Because Achilles has a Mexican caregiver
This is an unknown character in the Iliad.
However...
his mother, he can survive, Of course, because he is a goddess.
He is the mastermind behind the grip or whatever, I don't know
And he survived.
And then he is protected, except on his heel.
The heel is not protected
And that's what we call your Achilles heel,
where you are vulnerable
Everyone has Achilles heels.
Achilles & apos; Achilles heel is the heel.
[audience laughs]
Like, literally.
Anyway, so, my daughter, This is the question.
He said, "How come his mother doesn't just dip it again?
He can just dip it once more...
with the other leg there."
What he just, like, getting - You there
Is there, like, a sign that says, "One goddess slope?"
Have you ever colored Easter eggs? It's not too complicated.
You dip it, then you hold it it's different and dip it again.
Smart kids I'm proud of him.
But at the same time, I thought, "Who Can you judge this woman?"
[audience laughs]
That bothers me.
Because this is the story from Achilles taught me,
what is that, if you are a parent,
It's never enough what you do for this bastard
That is never enough.
This will still be your fault.
How much more do you want from a mother?
He dips his child in magic water and protects 99% of his body.
Is that up to him?
He can wear big shoes and be careful.
But he goes with slippers, flip flops.
[audience laughs]
And swords, and fights all over the planet.
"I'm Achilles because my mother dipped me."
[audience laughs]
Finally, someone takes it to the heel, and he is like, "Mom!
[audience laughs]
Thank you very much, Mom."
"What's wrong, Achilles?" "My mother did not dip my heel.
She is very stupid. She ruined it."
Fuck, Achilles, you Greek dick.
[audience laughs]
I hate the way people talk about their mother
I'm watching a soccer match,
and this person prints a lot of nonsense, whatever, and they're excited.
So, they ask him after that.
And the soccer player said, "My mother died last year,
But I know she is watching my game from heaven tonight.
And I want to be there to say, " Leave your mother alone.
How dare you.
He died. "
I mean, when did you finish with your kids?
When did you finish with your children?
Even after you die, you still have to go to their fucking game and filth?
[audience laughs, claps]
Leave your mother alone
He does his work. He lifts you up, and it kills him. Don't you want your mother enjoys heaven?
Isn't that what you want? Your mother is only in heaven
Whee! This poor woman. Angels like,
"We have a party. Do you want to come with us?"
"I can't, I have to watch my son's match.
He will be very upset.
Okay, go - He can't fucking hear me. I just think when people die, that means they do their work.
And you must forget them.
That's what I think.
Because it's not fair what we put on dead people
"Are you watching me?" "Yes, I'm watching all that."
You know like old - When you see an old couple,
Are they married for, like, 60 years?
Do you know the story? Everyone likes that.
People who always get -based applause on their math life.
"How long have you been married?" "Sixty years."
Aw.
[shouts]
Isn't that automatically beautiful?
How do you know?
You only know how long.
[old woman] For 60 years, every morning, He said that I was really nonsense.
[audience laughs]
[normal voice] just say this is a happy couple, okay?
They love each other. They have been married for 60 years.
It's longer than most people want to live.
And they have been together for a long time.
And now they are just old couples. And they just walk together.
You know when you see two people...
They don't need anyone else, only the two of them
These are both. They just walk.
They always run somewhere, no one walks there There is garbage
[whooshing]
There are trucks.
[roar]
He wears a colorless suit.
[audience laughs]
He wears a dress like that a triangle, like a child pulls it.
It's just that, damn it, dress with fruit on it.
No one cares.
And they only run every day.
[groans]
[old woman] Cold.
[old man] Yes, this is cold.
[old woman] Do you want to go to the shop and get a cracker?
[old man] Yes, let's find a cracker in the shop.
[old woman] yeah
[muttering]
[normal voice] And then one day, usually he dies first.
They walk, and he goes...
[grumble]
And he said, "Richard!"
[grumble]
"Richard!"
[grumble]
And he died.
So, now only he.
Only roses
And he himself.
And now he just stands in their house.
Someone goes to get Rose Because there is a marriage.
"Come on, Rose, Nadine will get married.
Nadine-- No problem, just damn it.
[audience laughs]
Come on. Fucking come on.
Fuck!"
Just want to push it from beh--
He lives in ten years.
Ten years after Richard died.
And then ten years later, Now he is lying in bed.
He is dying.
Someone is with him, on their phone.
[audience laughs]
[grumble]
So, Rose is dying, and she says:
[old woman] "Okay, at least now I can be with my Richard... forever."
[normal voice] Where did he get the idea?
Where did it come from?
I've looked for it.
There are no religious teachings
that when you die, you can destroy heaven for your dead partner
[audience laughs]
Why is that fair?
Who gets -
Richard has died for ten years.
He has been in heaven for ten years.
And someone comes to him, "Hey, your wife will come."
[audience laughs]
"What?
Excuse me. What did you just do and tell me now?"
[audience laughs]
"Yeah, Rose just died. He'll be here for about 20 minutes.
They just dropped it and put the wings on it.
[sighs]
"Wait a minute.
You say it's heaven Why is this--
I have a girlfriend here now. I don't want to fucking--"
"He loves your life." "He doesn't love my death, bastard."
[audience laughs]
It's marriage. Marriage is a big problem.
I go to the wedding the other day. I went to a gay marriage.
I've been to many gay marriages, that is not true
[audience laughs]
That's not true at all. But... I went to one.
But I don't go to a wedding, generally,
because I don't like them I hate it.
Don't invite me Very. I think it's rude to invite people to your wedding. I do
Nobody likes getting that crap.
You make everything beautiful
And they are like, "Aw, fuck! This will suck!"
"This is a list of places that are very helpful to stay--"
"Oh good. I live at La Quinta...
[audience laughs]
in Reading, Pennsylvania
for three days...
because you want to marry for several years. "
[audience laughs]
No one wants to see you start your bad things
No one wants to see it.
All people are wrong. That is what will happen with someone.
Both of you yourself, or you in bad things.
That includes 100% of humans.
I can see there is a young couple here. You are like, "No, we're good...
That's very good."
"Yeah, kill you Who do you think you are?
That's not annoying at all.
So arrogant." "Yeah, I think we already know."
"No - Yeah, you're the first."
[audience laughs]
Of course this will be bad luck. That is part of that.
It's like going to a horror movie,
and in the first minute, you are like, "I think everything will be fine."
[audience laughs]
No, they will all die.
And you will hate that person you like it now
That's how it works. Love plus time minus distance equals hatred.
That's the way.
I don't say I didn't do it. You have to do it
That's the best. This is the best part of life, love.
But don't be greedy and hope to survive.
Don't be amazed that a butterfly dies Because you shot it in the face.
[audience laughs]
Just falling in love, making a mess.
This sucks, You don't realize it until it's too late.
And then you cry a lot and move on. This is the best part of life.
This. I always love love.
It's always been a part of my favorite life meet someone and go, "Oh, damn it!
That person!" That's the best feeling.
Now, why is that, "Oh yes!
For years, all our lives, just, yes, yes!"
It's crazy to expect that.
This is a small thing that you can catch.
And then rot and die. That's the way.
It's like if you see someone in the park make bubbles with a big stick with soap.
And sometimes they make a very big one, and everyone goes, "Oh, yeah!
Dirt. Okay, that's all."
[audience laughs]
You can't stand seeing it, "Wild!" You are not angry with soap stains.
This is very annoying, man.
That's
[moans]
What
All parts are a little complicated. Like, I was in an e-mail fight recently.
Have you ever had an e-mail fight?
Some of you are in e-mail battles right now.
You know, e-mail fight. It's not a text fight.
Fight text like, "Fuck you." Boop!
"Yeah, fuck you." Byew.
"Dick." Boop!
"Bastard." Byew.
That's a text fight.
E-mail battles like, "In June when I said that I had this problem,
I was very disappointed in the way you didn't listen."
[audience laughs]
You know, e-mail, You only work on it all night.
Like that closing argument to the murder case
This is very important, your damn e-mail.
You hit it like Beethoven, and you pour water on your head,
and will be deaf and still do it.
And then you send someone.
"Can you read this and tell me is it fair what I write?
Start from the bottom."
And they reply, "I made some changes."
"Oh thank you. That really caught my voice. And again..."
You send it to someone else, they are like:
"I will take & apos; Eat fucking, face making love, & apos; because it decorates your points better."
And you like, "Fuck, I'll save it."
And finally, you send it.
[imitating a rocket]
And you like, "Hmm."
And then you feel very good. "Finally I said it, finally."
And you have a fantasy like that at home reading it now...
[gasping]
I'm wrong about everything.
[audience laughs]
During the day, they have not written back,
and you know that because you only conjure them
And you decide, "I will read my e-mail.
I will read the e-mail I wrote."
Is there anything more disgusting? modern human behavior
rather than reading your own e-mail has been sent?
Does anyone else scratch your shirt and kiss your finger from it?
[audience claps]
I always do it.
[audience laughs]
So that's what I did. I am fighting an e-mail.
And...
And I look into the sent folder, where all -
That's it. It's on the stone. You can't change it again.
I realized I left something there because of an error
I leave something at the top of e-mail because of an error
And that said, "This is my last draft. What are you thinking about?"
[audience laughs]
So, now the rest is just nonsense.
That's fucking now
Because he knows I have writing staff and focus groups.
There must be credit at the end of this pesky e-mail.
Approved by mother and sister.
I don't know Love is worth doing. That's right
It aps worth it. This.
I mean, I always - I've always been chasing love for the rest of my life.
Even when I was a kid, I loved girls. I love them.
And there are all -
When I was 12 years old, I found out that girls are the most beautiful thing.
I will ask them out. That's what I did. I walked over and invited them out.
I'm not afraid.
I will go to the girl I like, "Do you want to go with me?"
And he's like, "No!"
You shouldn't do that. You shouldn't ask her out.
There is a system.
My daughters told me Still working like this at school.
There is something where the child asks his friend
to ask his friend to ask him
what he will say...
if he asks her to date
How do kids know this... Elizabeth's salon place
[audience laughs]
A twelve year old boy.
[English accent] "Please ask her girl friend.
[audience laughs]
Do I ask for his presence...
what might be the answer?"
[woman] "Indeed, my lady will enjoy... your company, sir,
Do you want to make your wishes known."
[man] "That's good.
Can I snap it?"
[audience laughs]
[woman] "You dare, sir.
[audience laughs]
And his finger, you may."
[audience laughs]
[man] "And his finger, I will."
[audience laughs]
[crowd cheering]
[normal sound] Anyway, I don't do everything myself.
I will only ask them out.
They always say no. Girls say no to me.
Until Rachel.
Rachel is the first girl to answer yes.
I asked him to dance in eighth grade, and he said yes.
The happiest moment of my life, even now.
I never beat it.
However, Rachel said, "Yes, I will dance with you."
So, we go to the dance.
I am 13 This is my first time with a girl.
About five minutes into the dance, he came to me and he said,
"Do you mind if I dance with Jeff?"
I'm like, "Alright."
Because what other movements do I have... at 13?
What else will you say? "Do you mind if I dance with Jeff?"
"Yes, I know, I really object.
What do you think this is, Rachel?
[audience laughs]
Do you know what? Get your nonsense We go now.
= = Shut up, Rachel. I swear to God. "
I don't have that tool.
[audience laughs]
So, I said, "Okay," and he danced with Jeff.
And meet Jeff and go with Jeff.
That's all.
And I study -
That person is Jeff - this is a true story.
The man is Jeff, he's a woman now.
That's what happened.
That's right.
I'm looking at Facebook people from my past, and she's a woman.
And he has a whole blog on Facebook about being a woman
I wake up all night reading it. I'm crying It's amazing.
I'm like, "This is amazing."
And he said, "I haven't changed. I know what I've been all along.
I know I'm still a girl since I was 6 years old."
And I read it, and I thought, "Why did you take that damn date?
[audience laughs]
You know? You're nonsense Damn, Jeff!
[audience laughs]
= = Fuck and your trip I don't care now.
Hurray for transgender, but believe me, because you are just a bastard
Who is a cunt. That is what happened. "
[the audience laughs and cheers]
This is a difficult road, but I envy this level
they know what is happening with them, and they keep it.
What a great gift, to know what's wrong with you
Who else can own it?
It's just soft, I don't know anything!
I will give a million dollars just to wake up,
"Oh, I'm an owl. That is the problem.
[audience laughs]
I just blinked slowly and ate mice."
[chuckles]
Because life is very confusing.
Even I am 49 years old, and I haven't found it cruising height for my identity.
I'm still confused.
I get a new feeling, and they upset me. I don't like new feelings.
I want to know what I like and get and just die
That's what I want to do at this time.
Like me having a strange relationship With this film sometimes there is a cable.
This is called Magic Mike. Have you seen this film? Magic microphone.
[cheering woman]
For those of you who watch this on a video many years from now,
Magic Mike is a film about male strippers
starring Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum.
[woman] Whoo!
[Laughter] That is a country that is very different when it is made from every time you watch.
But anyway...
[audience laughs]
We have many other things.
This building is no longer here.
But...
You watch it in a dusty place, and it's all rubble.
And you see this.
I don't know why you pay attention to this out of everything
But if the situation is very easy, we make films like Magic Mike.
This is just a good movie about a man who strips
And every time I turn around and it continues, I always stop.
And then I play a little chicken game with this film
[audience laughs]
I stopped because this is a good movie. It's well made,
directed by Steven Soderbergh, good director
So I go into it, I enter the story, and then they begin to disarm.
And then I started to have it all these feelings
My face is rather hot.
Initially, I was only hostile for no reason.
I'm just - fucking-- fucking--
[booing]
But there is one part of the film that I like
I have a favorite part... Magic Mike, So, I always stick to that part.
This is the part where Matthew McConaughey, He wears leather pants, no shirt.
And he goes,
[McConaughey] "The law says that you cannot touch.
But I think I see a lot of lawbreakers out there." [audience laughs]
[ordinary voice] Like, only that...
This, like, is perfect.
Like the way it came out of him.
[McConaughey] "I think I see a lot of law breakers out there."
[normal sound] I really like that.
I like that.
When the film continues, I always like it, "Let's go where he said that."
And then he said it, and I like it, "Good fuck, that's great."
[audience laughs]
I like it very much.
This is how I like it. I don't do impressions,
and I nail it like that because I always think about it.
[audience laughs]
I walk around my house, like,
[McConaughey] "The law says that you cannot touch.
[crowd laughs]
The law says that you cannot touch."
[normal voice] Then I go to my dog,
[McConaughey] "But I think I see many law breakers here."
[normal sound] I like that part.
After he said it, all these strippers come in
Matthew McConaughey and all these strippers.
Channing Tatum comes out, fucking...
[audience laughs]
And then I go, like, "Fuck!" Then I have to stop.
I begin to feel.
[audience laughs]
I start feeling, like, feeling. This is not good.
But I can feel my cock start to reverse a little.
Just started...
You know when you can feel it Your penis type is revealed?
[audience laughs]
This is like a swimming pool toy that has exploded for a while.
Wrinkles start to get out. This starts to form.
[audience laughs]
Only the beginning...
My cock just wakes up [yawning]
What are you doing here
[audience laughs]
I have never seen a whole film.
I've never seen Magic Mike as a whole
Because I don't want to see it. I don't want to see the end of Magic Mike.
I know what Magic Mike's end is.
I'm pretty sure that the end of Magic Mike is that I'm gay
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers]
I'm pretty sure that's the end.
I don't want to see the ending. I want to stay like this.
Do you know why? Because I am 49 years old.
I don't want to enter Gay community now.
This is not my version it will have an awesome time
as a new gay guy.
So, damn it.
And that's my right, by the way. Because it's about me.
That's my life.
I will never discriminate against others because of being gay.
I will not dream it. But I have the right to oppress
and discriminate against homosexuality maybe myself.
It's mine to just press roughly.
Like that dude I tried to make me explode now.
[audience laughs]
And you know, I haven't become, like, generally interested in men.
I am not sexually attracted to men.
Only Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum.
The two people? Fuck.
Fuck, seriously.
Matthew, with rough skin.
He is like, "Hey..."
Only...
[groans]
Fucking sexy.
And Channing, stupid faces, like...
Like, oh, shit!
[groans]
Fuck. I love it.
But man, in general, I'm not into it. Do you know what I'm thinking?
I'm just gay for the best.
[audience laughs]
I'm a top-shelf gay.
I'm not a retail gay, you know what I mean? I'm not gay off-the-rack.
I will not go to JC Penney & apos; s and suck a bunch of penis.
[audience laughs]
I will go to Neiman Marcus and get a collection of signatures.
Platinum Dick
Best.
The best dick
Because I will try my best.
If it's the best, I'll try it.
Like, I don't like cognac.
I will never buy a bottle of Hennessy and keep it in my house.
But I've never tried the best cognac.
If someone is like, "Do you want to try this cognac?
This cognac is 500 years old 300 years ago."
[audience laughs]
Like, "Yes, please give me that."
If someone asks me to go to a Kenyan restaurant,
I don't want to go to a Kenyan restaurant. I know all the foods I like.
If someone like, "This is the best Kenyan restaurant.
It took six months to get a reservation.
I can enter
They fly live turtles on.
And you eat it, you bite it Her face is screaming while still alive.
And every turtle you eat is the last of its species. "
[audience laughs]
I can't wait to eat that damn turtle.
I will end the people with my mouth.
The best, I will try it.
If someone is like, "We have guys here, he has the best dick.
The best dick ever.
His penis has been soaked in olive oil since he was five
We don't feed him anything but butter and penis for the rest of his life.
He has the best dick, and you can suck it right now. "
"Okay, let me see.
[audience laughs]
Can I see it?
Can you take it out?
Oh, damn it. That's beautiful. God. My favorite now. Fuck, I shouldn't have seen it.
Bring it closer. I don't know what I am I will do it, but bring it closer. "
[sniffing]
[audience laughing]
[snoring]
[kissing]
I think, at that moment, you put it in your mouth, right?
If You see the best dick ever,
and you're not sure... You want to suck it, just put it in your mouth
And then decide. Just for like 20 seconds.
[woman] Whoo!
It's been a long time. It's 20 seconds.
It's been a long time to have a penis in your mouth...
that you are ambivalent. -
If you have a penis in your mouth for 20 seconds, you don't decide.
Twenty seconds.
This - I will show it to you. This is 20 seconds with a penis in your mouth.
[audience laughs]
[the audience claps and cheers]
No.
[audience laughs]
No.
It's been in my mouth all day.
[audience laughs]
I don't like penis. That's why I'm not gay.
That is the reason. I hate penis. Penis is very disgusting to me.
for me. I don't want to revoke your yum. I just thought they were dirty.
I always hate penis.
I hate my father's penis. I did it.
I do it. I hate my father's penis.
When you were little, You will see your father's dick.
If you go to a restaurant, you might see your father's dick.
I have to explain it right?
Sounds like I have a strange father.
"Okay, we will eat. Everyone is looking around."
[audience laughs]
No, sometimes you go to a restaurant with your family,
When it's time to urinate, you urinate with your father if you are a child If you go to a ballgame with your father, there is--
There is never a urinal. It's just a trough.
And boys and men stand there with
And people just stand there... [whooshing]
And we are here, little ones.
And the penis is eye-level.
Just horrible, pissing the penis.
In both directions, like the choir line, only...
[crying]
[audience laughs]
And my dad has the worst dick.
He experienced the worst.
Because of my father - First of all, my father is Mexican.
That's right. My father is Mexican. I'm not
I'm not Mexican. My father is.
Just because some Mexicans slept with my mother for years... didn't make me Mexican.
That only makes him a prostitute.
[audience laughs]
But, anyway... my father -
My father has a Mexican, Catholic,
not cut, raw, organic...
local, fucking free-range dick Mexico.
That's very basic.
It feels like a farmer's market, just sticking out like a Tamarindo pod.
And the urine will spray it.
I'm like, "Dad, open your penny before you urinate from it."
It's like urinating from the corner of a pillowcase
[audience laughs]
And my father's life is - My father has a strange life.
Too.
When I was ten years old, my parents got it divorced, and my father turned into a Jew.
I mean, he repents...
for Judaism. He did not turn into a Jew.
It's not like my dad is like...
[grumbling]
[groans]
He...
converted to Judaism.
And I have friends who are Jews.
And I know that they only have a little cut dicks, a little - a little neat...
And then I remember My father's alligator claws from the penis.
[audience laughs]
I really hate penis.
That's really my problem with being gay. That's why I'm not gay. Men are fine.
I want to have a girlfriend, it will be fun
I will. Every time I hear someone say "my girlfriend,"
I always like, "I want a girlfriend."
Why don't I have a boyfriend?
I want to have a big and tall boyfriend.
That's my boyfriend.
I'm angry with my boyfriend.
[audience laughs]
I can wear the jacket. It's all great for me.
I like, "This is my boyfriend's jacket.
I feel safe."
I know I will like it.
I want to have a big dude in my life.
Come behind me like this. I'm like, "Hi."
[audience laughs]
Like, I know it will be fun.
But to get all those parts,
You have to have a fucking chicken push your shirt
Like a hard dick that happens in your body--
Ow!
"Oh, shit.
Oh.
I just want to wear your jacket."
[audience laughs]
Thank you very much, you guys. You're great
Thank you very much.
[audience cheers]
[Led Zeppelin "Good Times Bad Times" play] ♪ In my youth I was told what it means to be a man ♪
♪ Now I have reached that age ♪
♪ I've tried doing all that The best I can ♪
♪ No matter how I try I find my way to the same old jam ♪
♪ Congratulations, bad time Do you know I've shared?
♪ When my wife comes home For brown-eyed men ♪