Farid Morocco
Thank you. Uh, I'll be reading an excerpt from
my first novel.
Sorry.
Oh, shit.
Mr. David.
Hey.
You're having a nightmare.
You okay?
Yeah, yeah.
-Okay. -I'm sorry.
That's okay.
That's really good.
Yeah. I know. I'm married to J.M.
I didn't know he was gay.
He's not-- I mean, she's not. She's a... She's a woman.
And she's my wife.
I thought... I'm sorry. I thought that J.M.
was a man's name.
No. It's... The J is Jennifer.
Uh, you know, if you look in the back of the book jacket, there's a...
photo there.
I-I had a Kindle version. So I didn't...
Um, I should go get a seat.
Right.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
-Hi. -Hey.
So good to see you. Hey, I brought you something.
Uh, can you hold on to that?
-Yeah. -Um, my publishe's here.
-Let me introduce you. -All right.
Hi. I'm sorry to interrupt.
I wanted to introduce you to my husband.
David Warwik. He's also a writer.
My condolences.
This is my wife, Lily.
Two writers, one marriage.
That must be quite the adventure.
How do you manage those imaginations?
-Oh, it's fine. We were just... -Prozac.
Uh, why don't you tell them about your work, David?
Sure. I'm making a transition from
short stories to my first novel.
Um, David had a piece in The New Yorker about the man with HPV.
I didn't know that men could get HPV.
Oh, yes. It's very common.
-What are it's symptoms? -Warts.
That's terrible.
Do you have HPV, David?
No, no. No, no. It's just a work of fiction.
It's not... It's not about me.
I mean, you're not the first person though,
to assume that I have genital warts.
Um, David is writing a book that is just exquisite.
It's a... It's a coming-of-age tale,
sort of, semi autobiographical--
-Hi. -We're about to start, J.M., so...
-Okay. Great. -We should go take our seats.
Great. Great.
Very nice to meet you.
Yeah, if you could please help me in welcoming
the head of Fallon Fremont press,
Bernard Geist.
Thank you.
It is my pleasure to be here tonight to introduce to you
one of the most exciting and innovative young author's of our time.
Her latest work is
unique, fascinating, and seductive.
Please welcome J.M. Lee.
Hello. Thank you, Bernard, for such a beautiful introduction.
I'm going to be reading an excerpt
from the first chapter of my book,
Blind Hearts.
"It had been the longest night of the year.
It was one of those nights when the dawn never seemed to come.
It was almost..."
-Ready to go? -Yeah.
Oh, hey. I stole a bottle of wine. Check it out.
My God. Why do you do that?
You always do that. It's so weird.
They're not gonna miss it. Come on, you got it.
Well, that was wonderful.
I can't wait to read the new book.
Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.
Uh, Jennifer, did you get the invitation to our salon tomorrow night?
I'm so sorry. But I have this deadline
and I just doubt that I'm gonna make it.
Your'e my newest author, I insist you come.
Oh, no. We invite all our favorite artists.
You have to come and read your work.
-David, you should read something too. -Huh?
Well, it's settled then.
-We'll see you tomorrow. -Okay. See you tomorrow.
What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you drunk?
-Hey. -Hey.
-Rock star. -Oh, God.
-Great job tonight. -Thank you. Thanks.
-You're like your own muse. -Oh, my God.
David, do you remember Jordan, my agent?
Of course. Hey, man, how's it going?
Hey. So, Jenny, you know Sawyer?
Yes. Hi. It's so nice to meet you.
You too. When you're done with Jordan, you should call me.
-Oh, God. -Maybe I will.
All right. well. We got to head out.
-Okay. Yeah. -But you...
You keep on living the way you love.
All right? And love the way you live, because it looks good.
-Hell, yeah, man. -Is that a Maroon 5 lyric?
-Oh, yeah. Okay. -We'll see you soon, guys.
That was Sawyer Edwards.
She's, like, huge.
Big time lit agent.
I think she's bipolar though.
She tried to light people on fire at this writer's retreat.
I didn't get the vibe, though, did you?
No.
-You were great tonight. -Oh, thank you.
Your agent's an asshole.
-Ugh! No, he's not. -He treats me like I'm invisible.
David, you need to learn how to play the game a little.
You know, no publisher's gonna wanna read your book
if you don't have an agent and they've never met you before.
I don't wanna play a game. I just wanna work.
I guess all I wanna do... I just wanna write.
Why can't I just do that?
Because networking is part of the work.
You know what I mean?
-Look-- -It just is.
Look, I'm not a schmoozer, okay?
I don't want to schmooze to get somebody to read me.
I mean, that's not what being what a writer is.
Was T.S. Elliot a schmoozer?
T.S. Elliot? T.S. Elliot was a Nazi sympathizer.
Okay, so he was a schmoozer of a different kind.
-Yeah. -Like James Baldwin?
Uh-huh. James Baldwin was a room mate of Marlon Brando.
So he didn't need to schmooze.
Look, just read a little bit from your book tomorrow at the salon
and it will be a chance for Bernard to hear your work.
I can't. You have your deadline. I can't go do to that by myself.
No. It's fine. I'll rent a car and I'll blow off the deadline on it.
As long as you promise to read a little bit and just...
Just... No more, just a little bit.
-And don't be weird. Don't steal wine. -I won't.
-Promise? -I promise?
I won't be weird.
You're making that face though.
No, I won't. I won't.
You're gonna be weird. You're gonna be weird.
I'm not. I'm not. Thank you.
-I won't be weird. -Mm-hmm.
Any interest in a quickie?
David! Let's go!
Can you grab the snacks and the wine on the counter?
Yeah.
Want me to get you a pen so you can sign her book?
Can't believe we had to come all the way out to Queens just to get a car.
I know. There are no cars by us.
It's fine. We're just gonna transfer here and it's like three stops away.
We've Uber-ed here to get to a car.
Where's the wine?
In the bag.
No. No, no. No. The Pellegrin is in the bag.
Shit.
Look. we'll just pick up some wine.
We'll find a wine shop and pick up some wine.
But we're so late. Give me your phone. I'll find a wine shop.
You should really get your own phone at this point.
I'm... David, I'm never getting my own phone.
Never.
Um...
Hello.
-Hello. -Hi.
Hi. I rented a car. The Honda?
Um...
Yeah. That's not here. Sorry.
What do you mean?
I reserved it.
Oh, yeah. I mean, the other person didn't bring it back yet though. So...
Okay.
Uh, we'll share.
Is there, I don't know, a different car that we can take?
No. Sorry.
You called me wheel chair?
No. I called you we'll share.
Okay, what are we @supposed to do?
-Oh, it's wheel share. So it's a car sharing service. -Uh-huh.
So you have to wait for the, uh, last person to bring the car back.
Yeah, when are they coming back?
Oh, I don't know.
You don't know?
Jen, it will be all right. whoever's got the car right now,
they're getting fined for being late.
-Hi. -Hi.
Okay, so there's a package in my car that says bees on it.
Does it say live bees?
No. Just says bees.
Then you're fine.
I can't believe this. Can I-- Can I use your phone?
Sure. I mean, they're gonna be here soon. It'll be fine.
Here.
-I'm gonna call them. -It'll be okay. Just--
That's a nice beard, man.
-What's that? -That's a nice beard.
-Thank you. -Yeah.
Yeah.
How long have you been growing that wild cat?
Uh, you know, six, seven months.
Yours is nice too.
Thanks, bro. Two years.
Don't regret it any single day.
Nice. That's good.
Perfect. Perfect beard.
Okay, I'll hold, 'cause I'm not late.
I'm not late or anything.
You put stuff in it.
You know, occasionally, like, shampoo.
You got to be crazy.
Occasional champagne in this one.
You know what I mean?
Sure, yeah.
I-F-E-R, Jennifer. Jennifer, as in Jennifer, Jennifer?
-Yeah. -You live out here or you commute?
Live right there. That's my dog Lou.
-And that's your car. -You know what, forget it.
It's here. Yeah, thank you for your help.
This is crazy.
Hi. The whole point of a car sharing program, is the sharing. You know.
Sorry, sorry. I'm so sorry.
Let's get you in the car, huh.
Fine. There you go. Watch your head. Watch your head, come on.
I'm Colleen Thorndyke,
and we're here today with author J.M. Lee
discussing her new book, Blind Hearts.
So, tell me, J.M., how did youcome up with the charactersof this novel.
[Jennifer]Well, Colleen this is one of the most personal novels I've ever written.
And it's about a marriage. The story is a metaphor,
and I guess I really wouldn't want to say much more than that.
[woman on radio] You know,rare that a novelist surpassesa heralded debut novel
with one that's even more accomplished and finely nuanced.
And you wrote this so quickly.How did you do it?
I just do the work.
When you put in the time, you're bound to come up with something.
I guess you can say I'm very disciplined about my writing.
Did you bring your manuscript?
-What's that? -Did you bring your manuscript?
You know what, I'm not gonna read anything. It's fine.
David, no. What?
The whole point of all of this, was... it's supposed to be an opportunity for you.
I do not need to go to this thing.
I could have been home, writing.
Why didn't you bring it?
I couldn't find a passage I liked.
I read the whole thing and it was just like...
The whole thing's crap. It just needs...
It needs a massive rewriting.
Just need like another month with it.
David, another month?
You've written a whole book. A whole book full of passages.
It's... I'm sure you can find one passage to read.
Oh, oh, oh. You know what? You've emailed me a copy of your script.
You can read it off my iPad.
It's fine. I don't need to read anything. It will be fine.
Okay, I'm sorry. What's going on?
Is this like self-sabotage here or like...
Maybe it wouldn't seem that way if my brilliant wife would actually do me a favor
and read what I've written, and may be provide some constructive criticism,
then I wouldn't feel so weird showing it to your publisher.
Look, I'm just under a tremendous amount of pressure
and I can't leave the world of my book to enter the world of your book.
It'd take weeks to get back to it.
How come whenever I ask for something, there's a world you can't leave
or there's an interview that you have to prepare for.
I mean, do you even like my work?
Of course, I like your work.
What do you think I'm doing right now?
I'm supporting you and your work.
I just wish sometimes
you could try a little bit harder with people.
Like when they look at you at a party,
you look like you're dead inside.
You know what, maybe I wouldn't seem like I was dying
if, you know, maybe we had sex every once in a while.
We have sex.
Barely.
-Pull over. -What?
Pull over. Just do it.
-Right here. Just pull over. -All right.
All right. I'm doing it. I'm doing it.
Don't yell at me. What are you doing?
You want sex? We're doing sex.
-What? Right here? No-- -Yeah.
This is a rental car. Jen, we don't know who's been in here.
Ow, ow, that's my hand.
Oh, snap.
My jacket. It's stuck.
Hi, there. You roll down your window please?
What's going on here? Roll down the window.
You guys lost?
Yes, yes. We're-- We're lost. We just--
We just stopped to look at the map.
Uh, guys,
we know you were having sex. It was, uh, pretty obvious. -No, no. We weren't having sex. -Are we in trouble?
Well, here's the thing.
The glass in your car, it's completely see through.
-Transparent. -Yeah.
That means that anybody driving by on this highway
can see inside, and they can see what's going on.
-Everything. -It's called indecent exposure.
-Oh, God. -And that's a crime.
Normally we get that with high school kids,
but you guys seem a little mature for that.
I don't have a PH.D, But I'm thinking maybe on some level
you guys wanna get caught in the act for something like that?
-What? No. -No, no. No, no.
-Is that what this is? -You want us to watch you?
-No, no, no, no. -What?
'Cause if that's what you want,
we can watch you.
-No, thanks. -No, no. We are incredibly private people.
We are so--
So private, I don't even like to pee in front of him, you know.
Can I see some identification, please?
Sure, sure, sure.
Thank you.
Different last names. Surprise, surprise.
All right. So we're married, we're just not married to each other.
Oh, no. We're married to each other.
-Yeah. -I just kept my last name.
-For work. I'm a writer. -Please, Ma'am.
Normally, for this kind of thing, we got to give a summons. But, uh...
I don't know. What do you think, partner?
-Well, I don't know. -We'll let them off with a warning, or...
-These guys... -So sorry.
-Yeah, we can let them off with a warning. -Yeah, all right.
-Thank you. -Stay out of trouble.
-Transparent windows. -Thank you, Officer.
-That was so horrible. -That was so terrible.
-Let's never do that again. No. -So not worth it.
Ugh!
-Oh, David! -I'm sorry.
-Are you serious? Come on. -I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-It's really bad. It's really, really bad. -I had some ice cream.
-It's not funny. -I had some ice cream.
Oh, my God. Oh!
Oh, no!
It's passed. It's fine.
-Ugh. Is it safe? -It's fine.
-It's passed. It's passed. -Close the windows.
Hey, we still need to pick up wine.
There it is. Okay. I'm gonna take five seconds, okay?
-All right. -Yes. This is amazing.
Whoo-hoo!
No!
-No! No! -What's the problem?
Shit. It's closed.
Well, check the phone. See if there are any other places nearby.
Oh, no, no. They're all closed.
-That's impossible. -They're all closed.
I'm just saying expand the map a little bit.
I've expanded the map.
-Excuse me, ma'am. Hi. -Hi.
We're trying to stop here to get some wine. It appears to be closed.
And we looked around
and few other places in the area seems to be closed as well.
That's because it's illegal to sell alcohol after five on a Sunday in Connecticut.
Are you serious? So what do people do then?
They buy their liquor before five.
I think what she means is,
is there, like, another place around here to pick up some wine?
We're headed to a party. And we just don't want to show up empty handed.
You could drive over the border to New York.
You might be able to find something in Port Chester.
If someone hadn't forgotten the wine, we wouldn't be in this situation.
It's not like you have a lot going on right now, David.
All I ask is that you bring the stuff that I went out of my way to get.
Even though I have this deadline
and you should be supporting me right now.
I should be supporting you?
Jennifer, I read every draft of your last book.
And gave extensive notes. And there were many, many drafts.
And now, when all I'm asking is for you to return the favor,
and read something of mine,
you're like, "Oh, I can't leave the world of my book."
That's fucked up, Jennifer, and you know it.
My therapist says, when you get like this,
-it triggers my anxiety. -Your therapist is an idiot.
He butt dials you on a daily basis.
He just got an iPhone. It's a difficult transition.
Maybe it's that hard if you're a cat hoarder.
-He's not a cat hoarder. -You said it yourself.
Every time you showed up to a session, there's a different cat.
I told you, I think he shelters them.
Or maybe he's just got one cat.
It just magically changes colors
every time you come to visit. Like a mood ring.
But more than likely,
he just got a bunch of cats that he's jammed into his bedroom.
When you come in for a session,
and they're just clawing at the door waiting to get out.
So they can piss all over that couch you've paid to sit on.
Hey, you know what? Let's just try this place right here.
That's a convenience store. They're not gonna have wine.
You never know. Things are different when you leave the city.
Yeah. There's no wine here. Let's go.
Come on, let's look around.
We've got to go.
Ah, look. They've got a great beer selection.
Let's just get a six pack.
Yeah. Let's grab some Brewskis for our bros Lily and Bernard.
Maybe we can get, like, a pony keg too.
Okay. Look. Look right here. Look, huh.
-Wine. They've got wine. -That's not wine.
Sure it is. It's Palazzo de Carmelo.
Nope, that's wine product.
No, that's like, that's grape juice with alcohol mixed in it.
Nobody will know the difference. It will be fine.
Hey. Is this good?
I'm just gonna ask him if there's a liquor store around here.
This might be our best option.
Who? Bernard and Lily are art patrons.
You can't bring that into their homes.
I mean, I don't know what other options we have.
Look, they've got a bunch of different types. There's like a...
There's a...
One that looks like Pinot.
Do you see a lady over there in a nice dress? No?
Haven't seen a lady, have you?
Do you see a woman walking by here?
-Hi. How are you? -Hi, did you see my husband?
He was here before.
No, I don't remember.
-Okay. -I'm sorry.
Hey, did my wife come back through here?
-No, I don't remember seeing her. -Shit!
Fuck!
Sure it makes sense. Perfect sense.
No, It doesn't make sense at all.
-Hey, look who it is. -Oh, it's the road fucker.
What are you doing here?
My wife and I, we were here earlier to pick up some wine and then she stepped outside and I haven't found her. She disappeared.
-Wait. Your wife is missing? -Yes, my wife is missing.
Or maybe your "wife" went home to her husband.
-I'm the husband. -He's talking about the other husband.
-Other husband. -There is no other husband.
I'm the husband. It's one and the same.
-They were fighting before. -What?
Is that true?
-No, we were not fighting. -Were you fighting?
No, we got into a little argument.
-We pulled over to buy some wine... -They don't sell wine here.
Sure they do. The Palazzo de Carmelo.
The Palazzo de Carmelo? That's bum's milk.
Sometimes it's little fights that send people over the edge.
Like, last week we responded to a domestic,
where the wife hit the husband
-in the head with a pop corn bowl. -Boom.
Yeah. She split his head wide open, you know.
All because he changed the channel. They were watching, uh...
-What was it? -Dancing With the Stars.
-Dancing With the Stars. -It was the finale.
Road fucker, you ever see a show called Snapped on Oxygen?
-No. -You should watch it.
Lot of life lessons for you.
-Okay. -Look,
your wife have her cell phone on her?
She doesn't own a cell phone, 'cause she's a writer
and she thinks it messes with her process.
Okay. What's her name?
Her name's Jennifer Lee.
She also goes by J.M.
Wait. Your wife is J.M. Lee, the author?
-Yes. -Are you kidding?
We're reading Blind Hearts right now.
We've got a book club down at the precinct.
Are you two Julie and Derrick?
-What? -Julie and Derrick, from the book, Blind Hearts.
Are you blind?
What? No! I'm not blind.
-You could be blind in one eye. -But no, I'm not blind.
And... and we're not Derrick and Julie.
Hey, why don't we just hop in your squad car
and maybe we could drive around a little bit
see if we could find--
We're not gonna hop in our squad car and drive around. No, sir.
I'll take a two by four.
I'll tell you what. You go to that party, and then, uh...
When she shows up there, and she probably will,
- why don't you give us a call? - Want a winner one.
-My direct line. -Come on, mate.
I'm all out of business cards.
-Have fun at the party. -Thanks.
Take it easy.
It's like Jurassic Park.
You can do this. Just...
Just don't be weird.
Oh.
Joseph Heckler and Dan Garcia.
That was wonderful.
Out next performance will begin in about ten minutes.
So, everyone mingle.
And help yourself to some snacks.
So, who do we have here?
I am David Warwik.
Uh, we met the other night. I'm Jennifer's wife.
-I'm sorry. Jennifer's my wife. -Jennifer.
Jennifer Lee. Sorry. J.M. Lee.
Oh, oh. David, forgive me. I hardly recognize you without Jennifer by your side.
Where is she?
I was actually hoping that she was already...
-Well, who do we have here? -It's Jennifer's husband.
Your writer... J.M's husband.
Oh, yes.
Oh, I brought you some wine.
Oh, so I see. Jennifer told you.
-Told me what? -That I'm a wine connoisseur.
She's a sommelier.
I've taken a few courses.
-Oh. -[Lily chuckling]
Where is this wine from?
You'll have to forgive me. I'm blind without my glasses.
America?
Oh, there is some excellent New World wines nowadays. What is the varieto?
Beg your pardon?
The varieto? The type of grape?
It's uh...
-A blend? -Oh, merlot.
Merlots are extremely underrated.
That's true. I've tasted some exquisite mellows
-What is the vineyard? Palazzo de... -Carmelo.
You know, I've never heard of them.
Well, we look forward to tasting it.
-Yagoda. -[Lily exclaiming] Oh!
Yagoda, what is this?
It's a gift. I make it for you at your artist colony.
-Oh, it's fabulous, don't you think? - Wonderful.
This is McDannell.
Yeah. This is David Warwik. My wife is missing.
Road fucker.
I just... I came to the party.
Like, you all said, the one that we were supposed to go to and she's...
She's not here.
And so I was just wondering if there was any information on your side?
Yeah, I don't have anything for you yet.
Nothing?
-No. -Maybe I should just
come down to the station and just wait there.
No,the best thing for you to dowould be to stay at that party.
And then if she comes there, give us a call.
And if anything washes up on this end, we'll let you know.
Yeah. We got a special APB out on.
-Yeah, we got a task force. -Yeah.
Okay.
Excuse me. You said you wanted to use the phone.
It's available now.
Uh, thanks. Yeah, in a minute.
That's strange. It doesn't have a vintage.
Does this smell right to you?
No.
Okay, everyone. Please take your seats.
Next, we will be hearing from a young, promising writer,
Eric Windbed.
Well, I'm Eric Windbed.
I'm gonna be reading from my yet to be published novel,
Crept.
When baby girl ask about daddy,
momma say, he cracked.
Sometimes, the crack of the whip can drive a man insane.
Year was 1831.
And we, we was the only white family in slavery.
So, you say you still don't have a publisher?
Well, I've had some offers,
but I'm waiting for the best one to appear.
You should give me a call in the morning.
I think we can do something with this.
Hi, I'm Bruce.
Bruce Wayne.
No relation. Not Batman.
You know, my wife and I've...
We've lived in this hood for, uh, 25 years.
There's never been anything like this party.
Oh, we used to have to go to New York for, uh,
you know, a culture fix. But, uh...
I mean, since Lily started these parties
I don't think I'm ever gonna leave Greenwich.
-What do you do? -I'm a writer.
Would I happen have read something you've written?
I did, uh, piece for The New Yorker a few years back.
The New Yorker? You must be really good.
-Uh, you know I'm all right. -Mmm-mmm.
You know what I do?
-I-I... I don't know. -Come on, guess.
-I'm not really... -Oh, come on. Come on.
I don't know. I...
Lawyer?
No.
-Accountant? -No.
Politician?
Cosmetic dentistry,
Okay. I was never gonna guess that.
But I'm also working on a novel of my own.
-Oh. -It's a sci-fi novel
about a guy who has teeth growing
in all sort of strange places, like, in his arm pits.
This is a condition caused by a glandular problem
triggered by hormones used in the dairy and meat industries.
It's topical.
I'm gonna give this to Bernard as soon as I finish it. And I...
I think he's gonna wanna publish it.
Great.
Can I... Can I look at those chompers?
-No, really. Let me take a look. -No, no. Please don't. No.
I know you are intellectual.
Get dental.
Not bad. You've got a unique set of bicuspids.
Thank you.
-And you drink too much coffee. -Okay.
That's stain in there. You smoke?
No.
You need a whitening session.
Yeah, you're gonna call me.
I'm gonna give you the friends and family discount.
Thanks.
So, uh, what brings you to the Bacchanalia?
You're gonna read something tonight?
No, I came here with my wife.
Is she an artist?
She's a... She's a writer as well.
And where did you two meet?
Your essay is really good.
You should submit it to the paper this year.
-Really? -Yeah.
-Thanks, Professor Warwik. -No worries, yeah.
Hi. Are you David Warwik?
I might be. Are you about to serve me with papers?
What no.
All right. Then I'm David Warwik.
-Hi, uh, I'm Jennifer. -Hi, Jennifer.
An MFA student here.
-Very nice to meet you. I'm David Warwik. -Yes, hi.
I've been trying to take your class. But it's always full.
Yeah. No, it is. I...
I don't know what happened.
All of a sudden, all of these people want to come take it.And I think it's because the syllabus this year,
it looks really good.
-Yeah. That's what they say. -Yeah?
You give good syllabi.
Yeah, I draw little pictures in the margins.
It's on some nice goldenrod paper.
-It's wonderful. -I love goldenrod.
It's a nice Arial font.
What I say in the class, nobody is paying attention to.
But that syllabus, that piece of paper,
people, oh, they fight over that thing. It goes on ebay.
-Well. -Yeah. Are you a writer?
Uh, uh...
Yes, sort of. I'm trying to be.
There's no trying. You are a writer.
Sorry. I just wanted to tell you that, uh...
I really liked your New Yorker piece.
-It's really good. -Thank you. Thank you very much.
That, uh...
That really means a lot. I'm really glad that you read it.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
What are you doing right now, Jennifer?
I was... I was gonna go grab a cup of coffee.
-If you'd like to join me? -Yeah.
-All right. Let's do it. -Okay.
So, um... what are you working on right now?
I'm actually working on a novel. It's a...
-Really? -Yeah.
Semi-autobiographical thing.
You know the orgies at Yarda were totally tame this year?
-Oh, that's shame. Wow. -Nothing like 2012.
[scoffing] How can you compare her?
-I'm still on antibiotics from it. -I know.
I was proud of you though.
Expanding my horizons.
That's something different for you.
It was something different for you.
It was weird having my sister there though.
-I didn't mind it. Awkwardly, I didn't mind it. -No?
I just you know, I fell like... Christmas is really awkward now.
I go home, and like... we just stare at each other.
Right. But your work's better.
Thanks. Thank you.
Hi, you've reached Jennifer and David.
Please leave us a message and we'll be sure to get back to you.
Jen, are you there? It's like the eight time I've called the machine.
I'm kind of freaking out. I... I ran into those cops.
They told me that I should come to the party
and I don't know what's going on.
I don't know if you're mad or what...
Just give me a call and let me know you're okay. May be you're on your way.
Please. Be on your way. Just... I'm so worried right now. I love you.
-McDannell. -Yeah. This is David Warwik.
Hey, David. I'm sorry. We still don't have any leads.
Really? Nothing?
Just try to relax, all right. She's gonna turn up soon. I... That's what they said in like Gone Girl.
And this is starting to feel like Gone Girlsituation and she hated that book.
But that might be the perfect cover
for somebody who's trying to Gone Girl somebody.
Hello? Hello? Hello?
This guy is wound up.
Yeah. No wonder she left him.
Yeah. I don't blame her.
♪ I am ♪
♪ The fiji mermaid ♪
♪ A fish out of ♪
♪ Waaaaaa... ♪
You know, I'm thinking of moving to Detroit.
My friend Jeremiah moved to Detroit and got shot in the face.
-Oh, my God. -Yeah.
-Jeremiah Boobar? -Yes.
He was?
Two weeks ago, he moved to Detroit and got shot in the face. -Did you go to the funeral? -No.
Funeral? He's alive and kicking. He's gonna make a documentary about it, you know.
-Where did he get the funding? -Indiegogo.
I wanna get shot in the face.
I'm a critic. Book critic.
-Right. -And so you... What's your genre?
I don't... I don't have one.
Let me give you a tip.
Pick a genre and just give yourself over to it, okay?
You wanna be the go-to guy for whatever your genre is.
Look at Stephen King.
You can carve out a little niche for yourself.
Depending on the sub-genre that you pick, like,
you know, pre-teen whore or adult sci-fi romance.
I would, you know, narrow it down... What's your name?
David Warwik.
Okay, you want people to remember your name, David Warwik.
Right there, that's tough.
It doesn't have a ring to it. You know what I mean?
You want something that pops. You want something tintinnabulation.
Ringing of bells. Ding!
You want your name, people hear name... Ding!
You wanna remember it. Warwik is tardy.
It falls like flat turd, splat on the pavement.
You want something that has... That resonates sustainability.
Like metal.
Change your last name to something metallic.
David Gold, David Iron. David Nickel.
You almost get to flick it. You get to flick that name. It sounds so just...
You know, you want people to do it.
It doesn't matter what the metal is.
David Bronze. David Silver.
What time is it?
It's around 7:00.
-Are you still reading? -Shh!
Have you slept?
No. I'm almost done.
You stayed up all night reading it?
Does that mean you like it?
Will you shush? Just let me finish.
Okay. You're gonna have to leave.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay, yeah.
I'm gonna go breakfast.
Let me just... Let me sleep.
So...
Do you like it?
It was terrible.
Oh.
Yeah. I mean, I know that I have to rework the ending.
Jen, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
-It's brilliant. -What?
Yeah. I'm so proud of you.
-You think it's good? -I think it's great.
How good?
-I just told you, like, great. -Like "good" good?
-No, no, like great? -I just told you.
-It's so good. -Is it your favorite book in the whole world?
No. My favorite book is still Garfield Loves Lasagna.
What are you doing?
Are you drawing me?
I see you've met Anal.
It's spelled like anal, but it means fire in Hindi.
He's a brilliant visual artist and a monk.
We go to the same Ashram.
I see.
-I'm Daniel. -Oh, I'm David.
So, what do you do?
I'm a writer.
Really? So am I. What genre?
Well, I'm working on my first novel right now.
Well, what's that about?
It's a coming-of-age tale about a murder in a township in New Jersey.
And it's sort of semi-autobiographical.
-Is that Salman Rushdie? -What?
Forget it. It's some bald guy.
So, yeah. A murder...
Yeah, so... Just kind off...
Looking at it will be like--
There were a lot of child murder books last year.
Just FYI.
Oh, okay.
Uh, what about you? What are you working on?
I never talk about my writing.
Feel like it hinders the creative process.
So you're reading tonight?
No. No, I didn't... I didn't bring anything.
That's too bad.
So what are you doing here if you're not reading?
My wife thought it'd be a good idea for us to come to this.
Oh, who's your wife?
She's a writer as well. Her name is J.M. Lee.
-How is Jennifer? -You know her?
Yeah.
We met at a artist con I think, last fall.
-The one at the Italian monastery. -That's the one.
She loved that. She talked so much about it. Yeah.
So, you're that David.
I'm her husband, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
She's a real fire cracker.
What does that mean?
Nothing.
Oh, excuse me.
What? No, hold on. Hold on a second. What...
What do you mean by that?
Nothing.
You don't just tell a married man
his wife is a fire cracker and walk away.
Sorry.
Sorry?
Did you fuck my wife in an Italian monastery?
Oh, dude. You need to calm down.
No, I don't need to calm down.
You need to tell me what happened?
Nothing. We had a couple of fun dinners, drinks and grappa.
You drank some grappa?
Yeah. Hey, why don't you grab yourself a drink
and cool off a bit.
Man, you shut up and don't tell me what to do.
I'm not... I don't need to cool off.
I'm fucking cool, man.
No. I don't think you are.
I'm... I'm sorry. I didn't...
I'm gonna go.
Hey, you forgot your, uh...
Yeah. Yeah.
David.
Hey, look. Check it out. It came.
It looks amazing.
-I can't believe it. -Oh, my god.
-Congratulations. Look at that. -Thank you.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
You just wait. I'll take your book next.
You're a published author. That is so sexy.
Oh, no.
There's a typo.
That's, that's okay. There are typos all the time.
I know. It's the dedication page.
David Warwi.
They forgot the K in your last name.
Is this... Is this the proof?
It's the first edition. So maybe for the next draft.
Sure. Yeah.
I'm sorry, honey.
It's not a big deal.
David. Hey.
-Charles. -Nice to see you.
-It's great to see you. -Yeah.
I didn't expect to see you here.
Yeah. Yeah, I used to be with Bernard
before I went over to Loranda Press.
Oh. Oh, wow. Wow. It... it's...
-It's really nice to see you. -Likewise.
-Yeah. God, I haven't seen you in ages. -Yeah.
Like, three, four years, something like that?
-The wedding. -The wedding.
-Yes. -Fuck, the wedding. The wedding was amazing.
-Yes. -That was an amazing wedding.
Oh, I can't take all the credit.
Jennifer did most of the planning and...
I fucked Flora Bianca that night.
-Really? -Yeah. It was amazing.
-Wonderful. -Yeah. She opened a lot of...
Lot of doors for me that night.
It was great. Yeah. Lost touch with her unfortunately.
Oh, well. If you want I...
No, I think she sent me a pretty clear message, but...
Anyway, still have good memories about that night.
-It's really fine. -Nice. Uh, wonderful. Wonderful, yeah.
Listen, I've been really backed up at work,
and things have just gone a little nutty.
And I lost out a few things. I'm really sorry.
I never got back to the last email you sent me. I feel bad about that.
Of course. Of course. You're busy.
How's the job going, by the way?
It's good. I mean, it is busy. But it's also, you know,
really fun and rewarding, and nutty and...
For me, it's still very, very fulfilling. You know.
-It's great. I love it. -It's great. It's great.
I read the, uh,
Those first few chapters you sent my way.
-And it's really good. -Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. That means so much. Thank you so much.
Yeah. Of course. Thanks for sharing it.
Yeah, it's really good. I really enjoyed it.
Ultimately, I decided, um,
not to forward it to the acquisitions team.
Um, but I really did like it.
You liked it but you didn't forward it?
Yeah, I mean, there is some beautiful moments in it.
You know, it's beautiful sentences,
some really strong characters and story lines.
But ultimately, it just felt a little, um...
Just overall, it's a little challenging.
I guess I thought challenging was supposed to be a good thing.
Yeah. Sometimes. I mean, it can be certainly.
But you know, this was challenging... difficult
rather than challenging rewarding.
Yeah. It just sounds like you don't like it.
It's okay. You can say it.
No, no, no, no. It's not that. Certainly, I genuinely did like it.
I just felt, for a first novel, it was overly ambitious.
You know, I think you're underwriting
and overwriting at the same time.
And also, the whole coming-of-age thing is just...
It's been explored so many times,
from so many different angles, it just feels a little familiar.
And the subject matter, you know, racism...
It's heavy. You know, it's heavy stuff.
It's not exactly beach material.
How long have you been working on it for?
You know, not that long. A few...
A few years. But not really, you know, not...
You ever thought about maybe just taking a step back and...
trying something else.
You're working on other stuff right now?
You know, there's other stuff I should pick up
and put some things down,
it all comes in fits and starts, so...
-Right. -Yeah.
Well, I know there's another good book inside you.
Like Jennifer, you know, or...
J.M. I guess that's her literary...
Just a literary name. She's still Jennifer.
She's still the same Jennifer.
Same Jennifer. Look at how prolific she is.
Just pumping out one book after the next.
And look what it's doing to her career.
She's blowing the fuck up.
-Yeah. She is. She is. -Right.New York Times bestseller list.
Are you kidding? That's huge. Right?
Yeah, we're all proud of her.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
It's crazy. I always thought you'd be the one who, blew up first. But, uh...
I guess she beat you to the punch.
Yeah. She beat me to the punch.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Is she here? I'd love to... to say hi to her.
No, she is not.
Well, if you see her at home, say hi.
I will do that, Charles. I will do that.
She's in a great groove.
All right. It was really, really nice seeing you.
And, uh, I'm gonna hit this baby quiche before it runs out.
-Yeah. Yeah. -Nice seeing you. Good luck with everything.
And send me an email when there's more stuff to share.
-Yep. Yep. -Okay.
Can I get a Scotch neat?
Martini with a twist.
Sawyer Edwards. Right?
-Have we met? -I'm David Warwik.
We met yesterday. I'm J.M. Lee's husband.
David Warwik.
That sounds so familiar. Are you a cartoonist?
No, I'm... I'm...
I'm a writer.
Would I have read any of your work?
Wrote a piece for the New Yorker a few years back.
What was it about?
It was about a guy with HPV.
Not-not me. It was a work of fiction.
What, uh, what brings you to the salon?
I like going where I'm unexpected. But...
To be honest, I'm regretting my decision. It's so boring.
That Windbad guy, more like Wind bag.
Yes!
I don't know how he dare call himself a writer.
-He was garbage. -Oh, so unbearable.
Can't believe we all clapped for him.
Is Jordan with you tonight?
No.
He left me this morning.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't... I shouldn't have pried.
He said he can't handle my moods.
I suppose it's for the best.
Gives me a new mantra to live by.
Oh, what's that?
Fuck everybody.
Nice.
Some men can't handle a strong woman.
You're married to Jennifer, so, I guess it's not a problem for you.
Uh, no.
You like strong women?
-Sure, yeah. I guess so. -Good.
Excuse me for a moment. It's business.
Sure.
Hey.
You want a top up?
Sure. Yeah.
No, I told you.
No one wants to read a novel about strange trans-animals.
Thanks.
I'm in the middle of something. Call me tomorrow.
Oh! Sorry about that. It's James Franco.
That cunt drives me insane.
Yeah.
So, are you reading anything tonight?
No, I decided not to read anything.
Oh, that's too bad.
If you're not reading anything, why are you here?
[sighing] Jennifer.
And where is Jennifer?
I don't-- I have no idea.
You know what, I should... I should put this down.
Why?
I'm starting to just feel a little dizzy.
Vertigo?
Something like that.
I think I have something that might help.
Meet me out back.
David.
Oh, no. I didn't really want to smoke weed.
I-I just needed to get out of that place.
Let's play a game.
Oh, okay. What kind of game?
The getting to know you game.
I'm gonna ask you a question.
And you have to answer it.
No matter what.
Okay, shoot.
What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done?
-Like sexually? -Yes.
Uh-huh.
I once had sex in a botanical garden.
I have really bad allergies
and the pollen count was really high.
So I just sneezed through the whole thing.
I, it was actually pretty awful.
Yeah. What about you?
Have you ever heard of erotic asphyxiation?
That's like when people strangle themselves to, like, masturbate?
I didn't say auto-erotic.
I would never do it alone. That's just obscene.
All right, uh...
You win for kinkiest thing.
You should try it.
I... I don't think so. It sounds pretty terrifying to me.
It's not, if you really trust the person.
Okay.
So,
tell me about this book you're trying to get published.
How'd... How'd you know I was trying to get a book published?
You have that look.
What look?
The... sad puppy look.
The look of desperation and hunger.
I know it well.
Sorry.
Don't apologize.
Hunger is good.
You what your problem is, David?
That I don't have a last name that's a metal?
You're completely overshadowed by your wife.
She has more heat.
As long as you're with her,
you'll always be known as J.M. Lee's husband.
Doesn't matter how many novels you write.
I don't... I don't think that's true.
Believe me.
There's not enough room in one relationship for two artists.
One always suffers.
I don't... I don't see it that way.
I have an idea.
-Let's go skinny dipping. -What?
-Oh, no. -Come on.
No. What are you doing?
-Put your clothes on. -Let's go skinny dipping.
-No! People can see. -No, they can't.
-It will be fine. - Those windows are open.
-I don't want to do it alone. - Stop that.
All right. Now you're having fun, right?
- No, no. -David, don't be a baby.
Leave me alone.
Whoo. Yeah.
Yeah.
Why did you do that?
-Isn't this great? -No!
I'm soaked.
So, you'll dry off. Relax. Enjoy it.
My phone.
Well, how was I supposed to know you had a phone in your pocket. I thought you were just happy to see me.
It's not turning on.
Oh, calm down. I'll get you a new one.
No. I'm expecting a call.
Drop it in a bag of rice. It will dry out.
Come on! Come back!
David.
Come back!
I miss you.
[man on voice message] You have reached
the voicemail box of David Warwik.
Hi. Can I have a number for a taxi company?
I'm sorry.
So I see you had the Sawyer experience.
Don't worry. She does this every year.
Uh, fuck.
Can I have the phone number for the police department?
Police Department. Chucky speaking. How may I direct your call?
Yeah. I need to speak to Officer McDannel.
Who's calling?
My name is David Warwik.
Hey, aren't you the guy who lost his wife at the Quik Mart?
Yes. Yes. That's me.
Oh, I know all about you.
I've been reading your wife's book.
Great. Have you found Jennifer?
No, they still haven't found her.
But to be honest, I don't think they are looking that hard.
-What? -It's a code yellow.
What is a code yellow?
It's really not a priority.
It's the code that we give people who lose their ATM cards.
But I'll let them know that you're still looking for her.
Yes, I'm still looking for her.
Hey, can I ask you a question?
-Is it about Jennifer? -Sort of.
In the book,
are Julie and Derrick ghosts?
What the fuck?
I have no idea what he's saying.
But it's beautiful.
One second.
May I come in? I'd like to apologize.
Sure.
I'm sorry I pushed you in the pool.
It's just one of those things I can't resist.
It's like popcorn or marshmallows or cocaine.
Do you happen to have any?
No.
What's with that beard?
What about it?
I think beards are about men not wanting to be seen.
You're looking for something to hide behind.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are. You're hiding behind that beard.
No, it's just a beard. It's not that important.
-You're hiding. -You're being ridiculous.
If it's so ridiculous, then shave it off.
-No. -Why not?
Reveal yourself.
There's nothing to reveal. It's just a beard.
You just said it's not important. Why don't you prove it?
Shave that shit off.
No! I, uh... I don't even have a razor.
Here we are.
You're serious. No. I'm not doing this.
I'll make you a deal.
You shave off your beard,
and I promise, I'll help you publish your book.
Send it to me when it's ready
and I'll send it out to all best houses.
But you don't even know what it's about.
So,
tell me about it.
What's it about?
Okay. It's...
a coming-of-age, uh, tale about a...
It takes place in 1980s.
-That sounds brilliant. -It does?
Yes. Send me a copy when it's ready.
-Really? -Definitely.
I'll sell the shit out of it.
But you haven't even read it.
So?
You might not like it.
That doesn't matter.
David, I've sold horrible work.
Like, truly terrible stuff.
Like, we should have put a warning on the book jacket,
It was so bad.
I'm sure if there's a photo of handsome,
charming you on the book jacket,
without a beard,
we will be able to sell your work.
So what do you say?
I don't understand why you can get an egg white omelet
when you can't get an egg yolk omelet.
Oh, excuse me. Hi.
Hey.
-Remember? I... -You're J.M. Lee.
-Yeah. From before. -Yeah.
We were reading your book.
-What? Oh, okay. -Yeah.
Your husband's looking for you.
Yes! I've been waiting for like an hour.
I can't get a cab. Can you give me a ride?
Can I try?
Have you ever shaved a guy before?
Of course.
Trust me.
Hey, what are you doing? No.
-Trust me. -Stop it! No!
You should trust me. It's how you play.
You're fucking crazy.
David.
You didn't finish shaving.
Hey, do you want us to turn on the siren?
-We can turn on the lights, we can turn on the siren. -No, that's okay.
I've seen them before.
No, I'll do it. I'll do it real quick.-It's great. -Watch this, watch this.
Hey.
Right? Everyone's clearing the way.
-Watch out. -Here we go.
Author coming through. Author coming through. Watch them clear out.
Watch them clear out.
I'm wondering if I could sculpt with meat.
Absolutely.
I feel like it would bind really well.
The moma would take it.
And when it rots, it will sort of, you know, get a little mulch.
Do you think that's part of the performance piece?
Interesting.
What happened to you?
You know, we're usually in the Hamptons this time of the year,
but the traffic is awful.
-Tell me more about your face in this... -Look at mine.
Oh, the man is brilliant.
The novel's calledTrash. It's about a guy named Travis and guy named Ash.
You need a whitening session.
Is there anyone who would like to read or perform up here?
-Uh, he hasn't gone. -Yes. Him.
David, is everything all right?
What did you do to your beard?
-I shaved-- -It's part of his piece.
Okay, everyone.
We know his wife very well.
The astounding novelist J.M. Lee.
It turns out that her husband also writes.
Please welcome David Lee.
Thank you. Uh...
Actually it's not David Lee.
It's David Warwik. J.M. Lee is my wife.
Uh, it's a common mistake.
Jennifer and I are really honored to be invited to this artist salon.You know, to spend time with all of you artists.
Uh, we drove up here
and we got into an argument
because I forgot to bring the wine.
You know, it's one of those arguments where
you're talking about one thing
but you actually are arguing about something totally different.
And we've just been really kind of distant with each other.
Like, we haven't had sex in forever.
So, on the ride up,
we decided to pull over and have sex in the car.
But the police came, and they stopped us,
and they called me Roadfucker,
which was unfortunate.
So, once we pulled into Greenwich,
that's when we learnt that you can't buy wine
in Greenwich on a Sunday.
Not after 5:00.
Right. Yes. So...
We then drove back to New York,
we saw a convenience store like a Quick Mart,
and I saw some wine that was like a wine product
which I didn't even know that a the thing,
So, I was like let's just get this. It's cheap, it's fine.
And she got mad and then she left.
She just stormed out.
And the thing about Jennifer, is that Jennifer doesn't own a cell phone.
She doesn't believe in 'em, which... that's great for her.
But it means that I don't know how to get in touch with her.
And I got really worried.
And the police, they told me it was probably okay. And he told me that I should come here.
And that she'd probably show up and she hasn't.
And I called the cops.
And they're not even looking for her. At all.
And instead of finding her myself or trying,
I had to spend my whole evening with you assholes.
You!
You're a handsome dilettante.
And if I had to spend any time
in Italian monastery with you,
I would murder myself and I'd pin it on you.
And then you!
You are a monk with some serious mommy issues, man.
Like, you really need to stop projecting through your art.
You put boobs over everything.
Get it checked out. Talk to somebody.
Start a podcast or something.
And you!
You're... You're a dentist. But you know what?
Your book idea...
it's ten times better than anything Eric Windbag could come up with.
-Thank you. -That's... It's Windbed.
I know.
And you know what, you're right.
I probably do need a teeth whitening.
-Call me. -I will. Thank you.
And you. You, sir. You're a critic.
And, oh, you think you know everything.
Oh, I should change my name to something metal-sounding
because that will move books?
Fuck you, man.
And you, Charles.
So, good to see you, buddy.
Look at you, the big successful book editor
who just gets off on tearing other people down
because you were never a writer.
You never cared about writing.
And you, this woman. Be careful of this woman.
You're like a nympho lit-agent.
She tried to choke me, and all of this,
I didn't do, that's her.
And you,
you were amazing, man.
You were great. It was beautiful.
Thank you.
And Lily and Bernard, this place is the shit.
That pool, under different circumstances,
would have been a great time.
I was honestly so...
nervous about coming here
and trying to impress you people.
And at the end of the day, I don't give a shit.
I don't give a shit about what you all think about me, 'cause it doesn't matter.
I don't care if you read my writing, or if you like my writing,
because I didn't write it for any of you.
I wrote it for myself.
And that's all it matters. If at the end of the day,
all I am, is just J.M. Lee's husband.
That's fine,
As long as I get to write, that's all I care about.
Jennifer.
Hi.
I brought wine.
It's... a Pinot noir.
This is... this is a lovely, lovely home.
I'm so sorry.
What?
I read your book.
And?
It's terrible.
Hello. If everyone would please take their seats.
We're about to start the reading.
Thank you.
Please help me in welcoming tonight's author
David Warwik.
Thank you.
Um, this is from my first novel,
Orange Summer.
-Thanks. -Thank you for coming.
♪ Oh, I'd wish You'd wear that dress ♪
♪ Going back because I don't know where it was ♪
♪ But I know that ♪
♪ You're the one ♪
♪ A week across the country In our beat up truck ♪
♪ Stopping every minute 'Cause the thing don't run ♪
♪ But I don't care ♪
♪ 'Cause we're in love ♪
♪ Let's getLet's get away in the night ♪
♪ I know you count on me ♪
♪ Well just lean on me Lean on me every time ♪
♪ Made it to eternity And about to erase ♪
♪ Looking through our hopes ♪
♪ Saying you're proud Of your sins ♪
♪ And we've been there ♪
♪ We'll make it right ♪
♪ Rounding up the cattle And the bales of hay ♪
♪ Days are kind of slow, That's our time to praise ♪
♪ And you stay there ♪
♪ Lovin', lovin', Lovin', lovin ♪
♪ Let's getLet's get away in the night ♪
♪ I know you count on me ♪
♪ Well, just lean on me, Lean on me every time ♪
They know book club meets every Tuesday at 4:30.
Every Tuesday, 4:30.
They'll be here.
I got a signed book, I got a notebook full of notes.
Jealous.
It's rude.
I've read this book five times.
I've had conversations with the author.
I know the book.
And they know I know the book.
You know, when DeMarco was all excited about that Tony Morrison thing,
we all came.
Hey, Patterson,
uh, me and Dressler are here at book club.
Uh, wonder if you're coming tonight.
Patty at the drop office kid had a soccer game.
- Bullshit - She's coming.
Bullshit.
It's unbelievable. It's like, there's no... No sense of etiquette.
This is like, this is like the breakdown of society.
She's got talent.
Her husband's a deadbeat, though.
Farid Morocco