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INDOXXI
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1
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This is Dave.

2
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He tells dirty jokes for a living.

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That stare is where most
of his hard work happens.

4
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It signifies a profound train of thought,

5
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the alchemist's fire
that transforms fear and tragedy

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into levity and livelihood.

7
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Dave calls that look "the trance."

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Thank you! Thank you very much!

9
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Thank you all.

10
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Oh, wow.

11
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That was exciting, wasn't it?

12
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Thank you, guys.
Have a seat, feel comfortable, relax.

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I want to thank everyone in LA
for a wonderful week.

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It's been great here.

15
00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:24,227
You know what? It's been ten years
since the last time I played Los Angeles,

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if you can imagine.

17
00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:30,484
I know! I know, I've been gone
for a very long time.

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And unbeknownst to you,
it was a difficult ten years.

19
00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:36,782
I'm not gonna take you
through all the agony I've been through,

20
00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:37,866
but it was tough.

21
00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:40,369
Some of it you might've seen.

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I don't know if you ever saw on TMZ
the big headline:

23
00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:47,167
"Dave Chappelle Drunk Onstage in Detroit."

24
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:50,462
Well, if you saw it, I wasn't drunk.

25
00:02:51,213 --> 00:02:53,006
I had smoked some reefer...

26
00:02:54,216 --> 00:02:55,675
with some rappers.

27
00:02:56,802 --> 00:03:00,055
Yeah. I don't know if you know anything
about hanging out with rappers,

28
00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:02,349
but their weed is very strong,

29
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stronger than I what I was accustomed to.

30
00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:08,355
The article goes on
to say I was booed offstage,

31
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which is also incorrect.

32
00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:11,650
I was booed.

33
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I did not leave.

34
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It was a long bomb.

35
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It was a fucking nightmare.
Two puffs of weed, that's all it was.

36
00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:25,080
Two puffs.

37
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I never had that happen,
where I take two puffs of weed,

38
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,377
I looked at the guy next to me,
I was like, "I'm gonna bomb, nigga.

39
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:31,461
I can feel it."

40
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,257
And that guy called my name.

41
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"Dave Chappelle!"

42
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Niggas was like...

43
00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:45,016
Normally, when you do a comedy show...

44
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you guys don't know what it looks like
up here,

45
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but niggas be just looking up
at you like...

46
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That's how the show started.

47
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Didn't take long for their faces
to switch up like, "What the fuck?"

48
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They started looking amongst themselves.

49
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So I knew I wasn't doing good.
I don't remember what I was saying.

50
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:05,912
It just took one person to break the ice.

51
00:04:05,996 --> 00:04:08,331
It was a black lady
with a Ford Motor shirt on.

52
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Stood up suddenly.
"Fuck you, Dave Chappelle!"

53
00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,003
I said, "Excuse me?"

54
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She said, "I worked all week
for this shit, and this show sucks!"

55
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:21,011
And in a weird act of racial harmony,

56
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a conservative white guy stood up
and backed her up.

57
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"Yeah!"

58
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The whole crowd banded together
and started chanting,

59
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"We want our money back!
We want our money back!"

60
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I said, "Oh, shit." I snapped out of it.

61
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"Good people of Detroit, hear me.
Hear me now.

62
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You will never get
your fucking money back."

63
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Fuck that.

64
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I said, "I'm like Evel Knievel.
I get paid for the attempt.

65
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I didn't promise this shit would be good."

66
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"Boo!" They said, "Fuck you!"

67
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This went on for a long time.
And then, after the show, I felt so bad,

68
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I took half of the money from the show...
thousands of dollars...

69
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I said, "I'm gonna give this to charity."
You know what I did?

70
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I bought $25,000 worth of bubble gum

71
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and drove around Detroit
and handed it out to the homeless

72
00:05:18,527 --> 00:05:21,029
so they could chew it
and still be hungry.

73
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I was very mad at Detroit that night.

74
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Because not only did I bomb,

75
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I had to go back to the very same room
the next night and do it all over again.

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Fucking nightmare. That would be like
if you were having sex with a woman

77
00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:42,050
and, for some reason...
this would never happen...

78
00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:45,679
but for some reason,
she had a mousetrap in her pussy.

79
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You get caught in the trap.

80
00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:51,935
And then you've got to fuck her again
tomorrow night.

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I'd still do it,
but I'd be careful the next time.

82
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The old mousetrap-in-the-pussy trick, eh?

83
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Fool me once.

84
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Yeah. Yeah, it was a tough time.
And I wanted to give up sometimes.

85
00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:15,041
I almost did give up,
but then, right before I gave up,

86
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I decided not to.

87
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:19,796
But I made the call.
They answered the phone.

88
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"Hello? Dancing with the Stars."

89
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I said, "Not yet.

90
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Not yet."

91
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Yeah.

92
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If you see me on that shit, it's over.
Trust me. My spirit is broken.

93
00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:37,022
If you see me waiting for them judges...

94
00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:46,656
getting critiqued on my cha-cha,
fuck that.

95
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:51,119
I've been hanging out in...
I haven't been working in LA,

96
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but I come out here and hang out and shit.

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I was out here a few weeks ago.
I almost got arrested.

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I'm not bullshitting.
This happens to a lot of black people.

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What happened was...

100
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I was coming out of one
of those nightclubs in Hollywood,

101
00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:10,138
and my friend saw me.
I guess I was wobbling or something.

102
00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:11,598
So, he just rolled up.
He's a good friend of mine.

103
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He's like, "Hey, Dave, give me the keys."

104
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I was like, "All right, nigga,
just take the keys."

105
00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:19,272
And I got in the passenger's side
of my car, and he drove it.

106
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It was fine. Just talking, chopping it up.

107
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:24,527
And then, on the 10,
the blue-and-whites hit us.

108
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Now, I should tell you,
the friend that was driving me was black,

109
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which really doesn't have anything to do
with the story

110
00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:35,664
other than to let you know
there was fear in the car.

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Not my fear. I'm black,

112
00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:43,630
but I'm also Dave Chappelle.

113
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So, I figured, you know,
shit will probably be fine.

114
00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:56,601
Traffic stop started off
on the right foot.

115
00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:59,646
The cops came up to the driver's side.
"Hi. How are you guys doing tonight?"

116
00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:01,898
And he recognized me immediately.
"Oh. Dave Chappelle."

117
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:04,067
And I looked at my friend like,
"We're getting out of this shit."

118
00:08:09,364 --> 00:08:11,866
And then he says,
"You guys were swerving in the lane.

119
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Do you mind just stepping out of the car
for a second?"

120
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Still no cause for alarm.
I looked through the rearview mirror.

121
00:08:18,456 --> 00:08:20,583
The body language of the arrest
looked good.

122
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Just talking.

123
00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:27,507
So, then I started fucking with the radio.

124
00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:29,718
You know a traffic stop is going good
if you're listening to the radio

125
00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:31,553
when someone else is outside of the car.

126
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:34,055
But then, when I looked back
in the rearview mirror,

127
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something had gone horribly wrong.
That motherfucker was back there like...

128
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:43,815
And the next thing I knew, they were
stuffing him in the back of the car,

129
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and I thought what anybody would think
in a situation like that:

130
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"Oh, my God.
What is gonna happen to me?"

131
00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:59,998
And the police walked up to the window.

132
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"Mr. Chappelle,
we had to arrest your friend.

133
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,502
He refused to take our breathalyzer test."

134
00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:06,629
I said, "That motherfucker.

135
00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:10,383
Not complying? That's odd.

136
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,136
So, officer, what's gonna happen to me?"

137
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:15,764
"You're fine. We're just gonna have to
ask you to step out of the car

138
00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:17,140
so we can impound the vehicle,

139
00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:18,683
and we'll arrange for you
to have a ride home."

140
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:23,313
I said, "Oh, well, no.
I would rather you just give me the keys."

141
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:27,192
He said, "Mr. Chappelle,
your friend already told us

142
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he's your designated driver.

143
00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:30,487
We can't let you drive in this condition."

144
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I was like, "No, nigga, I'm good."

145
00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:38,411
And then suddenly,
the shit turned into Vegas.

146
00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:40,497
He was like...

147
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:43,333
"I'll let you blow for it."

148
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:44,751
I said, "Excuse me?"

149
00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:48,630
He said,
"If you blow in my breathalyzer..."

150
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:51,049
I said, "Oh, nigga, I thought
you was trying to get your dick sucked.

151
00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:52,258
What's the...

152
00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:53,426
Whew!

153
00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:55,970
Whew!"

154
00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:04,938
"If you blow in my breathalyzer and pass,
I'll give you the keys to the car."

155
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:06,356
I said, "Uh...

156
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,275
set 'em up, nigga. Let's play."

157
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:13,571
And I blew in that thing.

158
00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:18,076
And it made a noise. "Beep!"
I said, "Uh-oh."

159
00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:21,871
And he looked at it. He said,
"Oh, well, Mr. Chappelle,

160
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:24,499
I guess you're free to go."

161
00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:27,210
I said, "I am?"

162
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,256
I didn't know that thing
didn't pick up weed.

163
00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:34,884
I drove home on the 10
30 miles an hour.

164
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,263
Yeah, it all worked out.

165
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:41,432
It all worked out.

166
00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:46,062
I'm one of the lucky ones. It doesn't
work out that well for everybody.

167
00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:49,983
I saw that videotape of that lady
that got beat up in LA in traffic.

168
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,693
You see that shit on rush hour traffic?

169
00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:55,238
They beat a black woman's ass.
This woman didn't even do anything wrong.

170
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:58,783
It's fucked up. It was so fucked up,
it didn't even go to court.

171
00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:04,581
The City of L.A. just gave that woman
$1.5 million for her pain and suffering.

172
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,249
That is not bad,

173
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:09,836
considering that's the same amount
of money that Marcos Maidana made

174
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:12,380
to fight Floyd Mayweather
the second time.

175
00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:17,385
And this woman obviously hasn't trained
a day in her life.

176
00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:20,555
You can see it on the tape.
She didn't come to fight.

177
00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:23,516
Her guards were low.
She was taking a lot of shots.

178
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:36,571
Everybody's mad at police now.
I watched that...

179
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:40,909
You see that shit on Netflix,
Making a Murderer?

180
00:11:40,992 --> 00:11:42,952
The Steven Avery story.

181
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:45,455
If you haven't seen it, check it out.

182
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:49,292
Steven Avery is in more trouble
than any white person

183
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:53,087
in the history of the United States
has ever been in!

184
00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:57,842
In a justice system designed
for him to thrive,

185
00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:02,138
he's failed miserably twice.

186
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,100
I can't even wrap my mind around it.

187
00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:08,770
If Making a Murderer
was about a black dude,

188
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:11,314
that shit would be called Duh!

189
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:15,568
Of course everything would go wrong.

190
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:21,407
Seems like he did it, all right.
The motherfucker even had $200,000

191
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:22,700
for his legal defense.

192
00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:26,788
That should get you off in Wisconsin.
That's like OJ money.

193
00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:32,210
All he needed to get off
that he didn't have

194
00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:34,879
was a single black juror.

195
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:37,799
That's all it would've took.

196
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,842
Because only a black dude
in the United States

197
00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:44,389
can look at 11 other dudes and be like,
"I think the police did this shit."

198
00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:51,854
He's fucked up in the game.

199
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:54,983
That's how OJ got off.

200
00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:59,278
I've been watching that new OJ show.
I can't get enough of that shit.

201
00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:03,282
Doesn't it bring back good memories?

202
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:12,583
But I forgot just how polarizing
that OJ case was.

203
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:16,796
And you know, I've met OJ Simpson
on four different occasions in my life.

204
00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:18,965
And before the end of the show,

205
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:21,926
I will tell you about each
of those occasions.

206
00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:28,558
The first time I met OJ Simpson,
I was in Santa Monica.

207
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:29,934
- Santa Monica!
- Yeah!

208
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,354
I can't believe a black dude was like,
"Santa Monica!"

209
00:13:34,605 --> 00:13:37,233
You the last nigga I would expect
to say that.

210
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:41,195
Let me see your shoes.
You got some Vans on, nigga? What you got?

211
00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:46,784
"Santa Monica!"

212
00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:49,996
You?

213
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:56,502
At the time, I was 18.
I had done a show,

214
00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:59,589
and the guy from the club came up
and was like, "Hey, OJ Simpson's here,

215
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:00,882
and he said he wants to meet you."

216
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:04,052
I said, "What? Fuck yeah!"
I ran down the steps,

217
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,305
and OJ was down there.
He's like, "Hey, young man. How are you?

218
00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:10,475
It's very good to meet you.
And you're doing really good work,

219
00:14:10,558 --> 00:14:12,685
and I hope good things happen for you
in your life."

220
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,896
I was like, "Man, thanks, Mr. Juice."

221
00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:20,401
Standing beside him, was...

222
00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:22,570
I don't know the nice way to say this...

223
00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:25,531
his soon-to-be-slain wife.

224
00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:27,867
Ohh!

225
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,702
Ladies and gentlemen, man the fuck up,

226
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,788
or you're not gonna make it
to the end of this show.

227
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,122
Just man the fuck up.

228
00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:37,293
She's dead.
We already know what happened.

229
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:40,671
We don't know who did it,
but we know what happened.

230
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:50,473
I should tell you,
that woman was very nice to me.

231
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:52,100
She actually embraced me.

232
00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:54,560
She said, "I think you're adorable,"
and she hugged me.

233
00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:58,815
She goes, "Good luck to you,"
and she held me for a long time.

234
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:02,402
And I whispered in her ear, "Bitch,
are you trying to get us both killed?"

235
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,242
I'm just kidding.
I didn't say that, but...

236
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,912
that was the first time,
in a nutshell.

237
00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:21,671
It's good to see so many...
so many different people here

238
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:24,424
from so many different ethnicities.

239
00:15:27,885 --> 00:15:29,512
Very diverse crowd.

240
00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:32,849
Looks like you thought Bernie Sanders
was gonna come out in this motherfucker.

241
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,518
But... surprise!

242
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:36,853
It's me.

243
00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:40,982
Yeah.

244
00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:46,112
Yeah, you know, I'm happy, really,
to see black people come.

245
00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:48,448
A lot of black people don't fuck
with me like they used to.

246
00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:52,535
But there's a few reasons
you don't see black people at my shows.

247
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:56,789
One is because, obviously, black people
have slower Internet connections.

248
00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:03,838
I mean, that would be my guess.
I don't know what...

249
00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:10,052
Actually, my own actions drew a wedge

250
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:12,847
between me and the community
I hold so dear.

251
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,684
A couple of weeks ago,
I was supposed to be in Flint, Michigan,

252
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:21,731
for a charity benefit that was supposed
to raise awareness

253
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,733
for the appalling condition
of the water in Flint.

254
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,067
I don't know if you know this,

255
00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:27,403
but the water in Flint
is fucking poisonous.

256
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,363
It's actually making people sick.

257
00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:32,116
Hollywood people are like,
"So what? At least they have water."

258
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,160
But this water...

259
00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:40,208
this water is fucked up.

260
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:43,294
So, a lot of black celebrities flew
into Flint,

261
00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:46,672
and they did a tremendous charity benefit,

262
00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:49,884
and I was on the schedule to appear.

263
00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:51,844
Uh...

264
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:59,310
So, the reason a lot of people
haven't heard about this benefit...

265
00:16:59,393 --> 00:17:01,395
it was the same day as the Oscars.

266
00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:06,901
Right, I know. So, I was on my way
to the airport to go to Flint,

267
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,569
and then Chris Rock calls me
and is like,

268
00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:11,864
"Hey, Dave, I got a ticket for you
for the Oscars. Can you make it?"

269
00:17:11,948 --> 00:17:15,243
And I was like, "Sure, nigga.
I'm on my way to the airport right now."

270
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,457
Come on, man.
What am I gonna do about that water?

271
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:25,336
What am I, a fucking superhero?
I need to have fun. I need to live, too!

272
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:27,964
I didn't fuck that water up!

273
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:33,386
Stevie Wonder was there.
They didn't need me.

274
00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:37,348
I'm sorry, everybody.
I'd never been to the Oscars.

275
00:17:37,431 --> 00:17:38,933
You've seen the movies I make.

276
00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:51,195
I was excited.
I knew I was gonna get into some trouble,

277
00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:53,030
because when I was walking
on the red carpet,

278
00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:56,701
the black press came after me.
"Excuse me, brother."

279
00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:58,494
When you hear somebody
call you "brother" too much,

280
00:17:58,578 --> 00:17:59,787
something terrible is about to happen.

281
00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:01,414
"Excuse me, brother. Brother?"

282
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:04,709
And I looked back, and the motherfucker
had a tuxedo with the kente cloth tie.

283
00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:05,793
I said, "Uh-oh."

284
00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:09,088
He said, "I just want
to ask you a couple questions."

285
00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:10,715
I said, "What publication are you with?"

286
00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:12,925
He said, "Me? I'm with The Daily Bongo."

287
00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:17,346
I said, "Daily Bongo? What the fuck?
Who the fuck reads this?"

288
00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:23,728
He said, "Listen, brother,
I just want to ask you a quick question.

289
00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:27,732
You understand that this year,
this is a boycott for the Oscars.

290
00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:30,234
So, I'm just wondering what made you,
of all people,

291
00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:33,654
cross the motherfucking picket line
and be here tonight."

292
00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:35,531
I said, "Boycott?

293
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:39,577
Nigga, I haven't been working
in ten years.

294
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,830
What do you mean, boycott?
I've been on strike.

295
00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:45,124
Y'all niggas didn't stop working.

296
00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:48,878
I had to watch fucking Key and Peele
do my show every night!

297
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:01,265
So, fuck The Daily Bongo,"
is what I said.

298
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:05,019
I went to the Oscars
and had a wonderful time.

299
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:07,855
I went in that fucking green room.
It was filled with so many stars,

300
00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:09,357
I couldn't even believe what I was seeing.

301
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:12,026
Hollywood was seducing me
all over again.

302
00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:20,201
I was sitting back there.
I'm smoking, drinking with the stars.

303
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:25,373
And then two Hollywood movie producers
came over, right to me.

304
00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:28,000
"Oh, my God. Dave Chappelle,"
said the leader one.

305
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:29,752
He was obviously gay.

306
00:19:31,045 --> 00:19:32,922
Some guys, you can just tell.

307
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:37,760
The other one seemed like a money guy.
Maybe he was from Texas or some shit.

308
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,721
But the gay one was definitely the leader
because he did all the talking.

309
00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:44,016
And then he hit me with:
"So, David, um...

310
00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:48,562
do you have any movie ideas
that you would like to pursue?"

311
00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:51,440
The truth is, I don't.

312
00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:54,527
But if you know the game,

313
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,779
you're not supposed to tell motherfuckers
you don't have ideas.

314
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:59,740
I was like, "Yeah, man.
I got plenty of ideas."

315
00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:02,076
And he called my bluff.
"Really? Like what?"

316
00:20:02,159 --> 00:20:04,036
"Huh? Oh.

317
00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:06,247
Um...

318
00:20:07,248 --> 00:20:08,541
um..."

319
00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:13,337
And then I just started making up shit
that I thought maybe he'd like to see.

320
00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:16,882
I said, "I have a superhero idea."
He goes, "Really?"

321
00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:20,219
I go, "Yeah. He's a...
He's a gay superhero."

322
00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:22,805
He was like, "Really?!

323
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,267
What's it called?"

324
00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:29,937
"Huh? Oh, it's called...
It's called Same Hero, New Boots.

325
00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:35,818
It's about a gay sous-chef
in San Francisco...

326
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:39,864
that gets bit by a radioactive rat
on his shift

327
00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:41,240
when he's taking out the trash

328
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,702
and is blessed with powers
beyond his wildest dreams,

329
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:47,872
supersonic gay kind of powers.

330
00:20:47,955 --> 00:20:51,709
And he starts saving everybody
in San Francisco.

331
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:54,003
But at first, he only saves gay people.

332
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,796
Later, he saves everybody,

333
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,923
and the whole city just falls in love
with him.

334
00:20:58,007 --> 00:21:01,677
The only problem is,
no one remembers him when he saves them."

335
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:05,473
"Well, I don't understand.
Why wouldn't they remember him?"

336
00:21:05,556 --> 00:21:07,433
I said, "Because, dummy, he's gay.

337
00:21:08,642 --> 00:21:10,478
He keeps changing his outfit.

338
00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:18,068
People come up...
'Thanks for saving me, sir.

339
00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:19,278
What's your name anyway?'

340
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:21,989
He's like, 'Same Hero, New Boots!'

341
00:21:22,072 --> 00:21:23,699
And that motherfucker flies away."

342
00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:31,957
He was like, "I like it a lot."

343
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,462
The Texan didn't like that shit at all.
He was upset.

344
00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:38,547
"That's impossible, a gay superhero."

345
00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:42,468
I said, "What? Well, I have others.
I have a superhero you'd love,

346
00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:44,136
'cause he's stronger than Superman

347
00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:47,807
and he fights for truth, justice
and the American way, like Superman,

348
00:21:47,890 --> 00:21:49,141
but more than Superman.

349
00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:51,101
He beats up Mexicans for no reason."

350
00:21:56,232 --> 00:21:58,692
The Texan's like, "You got my attention."

351
00:22:00,736 --> 00:22:02,947
I'm like, "Man,
this motherfucker's so strong,

352
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:05,032
he can fly and do all this great shit.

353
00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:08,786
Only problem with this guy
is he can't even activate his powers

354
00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:10,329
unless he touches...

355
00:22:10,412 --> 00:22:12,414
unless he touches a woman's vagina.

356
00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:16,210
Not a long touch, just a couple of pats."

357
00:22:25,678 --> 00:22:27,805
He said, "Well,
what's the problem with that?"

358
00:22:27,888 --> 00:22:32,935
I said, "The problem, sir,
is that our hero is not a handsome man.

359
00:22:33,769 --> 00:22:37,231
And he's often short on cash.

360
00:22:40,859 --> 00:22:43,362
So, whenever trouble breaks out,
he has to run around the city

361
00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:45,739
and convince women
to let him pat their vaginas.

362
00:22:45,823 --> 00:22:49,952
'Please, miss! That building's on fire.
Can I pat your vagina? Quickly.

363
00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:51,245
People are dying!'

364
00:22:51,328 --> 00:22:52,830
But he can't tell them exactly why.

365
00:22:52,913 --> 00:22:54,540
'Eww! Get away! You're gross!'

366
00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:58,419
'Please, miss! People are dying!
Just a couple of pats!'

367
00:22:58,502 --> 00:23:01,297
'Eww! Gross! Get away!'

368
00:23:07,011 --> 00:23:08,304
So, he rapes them.

369
00:23:10,472 --> 00:23:15,144
I know, I know.
That's the dilemma for the audience.

370
00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:20,190
Because he rapes,
but he saves a lot of lives.

371
00:23:21,275 --> 00:23:26,238
And he saves way more than he rapes,
and he only rapes to save.

372
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:30,075
But he does rape."

373
00:23:32,536 --> 00:23:35,539
I didn't realize it, but the whole
green room was looking at us.

374
00:23:35,623 --> 00:23:37,166
All the celebrities were disgusted.

375
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:38,250
"Ohh."

376
00:23:39,168 --> 00:23:42,796
That guy from Texas was like,
"Here's my card. Call me on Monday."

377
00:23:46,091 --> 00:23:47,301
That worked out.

378
00:23:50,638 --> 00:23:52,723
The second time I met OJ Simpson.

379
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:02,274
It was right after
the trial of the century.

380
00:24:02,733 --> 00:24:06,028
There I was,
now a young man of probably 23.

381
00:24:07,154 --> 00:24:13,494
OJ Simpson was the most famous,
or infamous, face on planet Earth.

382
00:24:13,577 --> 00:24:16,872
I was in a restaurant in Beverly Hills
with my agents.

383
00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:19,291
I wasn't alone in the restaurant,
but I was alone.

384
00:24:19,375 --> 00:24:22,795
I was the only black person
in the restaurant.

385
00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:25,589
And in the '90s,
that felt very uncomfortable.

386
00:24:26,382 --> 00:24:28,842
Now I tend to enjoy it at this age.

387
00:24:34,098 --> 00:24:35,265
I was having dinner with my agents,

388
00:24:35,349 --> 00:24:36,975
celebrating a deal
that they told me was lucrative,

389
00:24:37,059 --> 00:24:39,436
but I later learned fucking sucked.

390
00:24:41,563 --> 00:24:44,483
And suddenly, a group of women walked by.

391
00:24:44,566 --> 00:24:46,402
Every race was in that group.

392
00:24:47,403 --> 00:24:51,156
Black, white, Asian, Latina,

393
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,409
white, white...

394
00:24:54,368 --> 00:24:55,661
and white again.

395
00:24:57,454 --> 00:25:00,249
They were all gorgeous.
I watched them walk by.

396
00:25:00,332 --> 00:25:02,668
Then I saw a familiar face.

397
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:06,130
Al Cowlings,
the man from the infamous Bronco chase,

398
00:25:06,213 --> 00:25:09,633
walked by and embraced one of the women,
and they walked towards the door.

399
00:25:09,717 --> 00:25:13,137
Couldn't believe what I saw.
And then, close behind him,

400
00:25:13,220 --> 00:25:16,390
was OJ Simpson,
newly released from jail.

401
00:25:16,473 --> 00:25:17,891
The restaurant fell still.

402
00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:22,146
I was shocked. I didn't mean
to say it out loud, but it just came out.

403
00:25:22,229 --> 00:25:23,981
"OJ!"

404
00:25:25,899 --> 00:25:28,944
He stopped,
turned around to see who said it,

405
00:25:29,027 --> 00:25:32,114
saw my black face
and correctly assumed it was me.

406
00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:39,455
I was sitting in the corner of the booth.

407
00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:41,749
He leaned over all the white people
I was having dinner with

408
00:25:41,832 --> 00:25:42,875
and shook my hand.

409
00:25:42,958 --> 00:25:45,127
"How are you, young man?"

410
00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:47,963
He looked in my eyes,
and I could see in his eyes

411
00:25:48,046 --> 00:25:50,382
that he didn't remember meeting me
the first time.

412
00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:53,927
And then he walked away.

413
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:56,346
And I looked back at my agents,

414
00:25:56,430 --> 00:26:02,478
and all of them had nothing short
of disgust on their faces.

415
00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:05,355
And the only one with the courage
to voice their disgust

416
00:26:05,439 --> 00:26:08,817
was a woman named Sharon
who used to represent me.

417
00:26:09,735 --> 00:26:11,361
"How could you?" she said.

418
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:15,866
"How could you shake hands
with that murderer?"

419
00:26:16,992 --> 00:26:19,661
I said, "Sharon, with all due respect,

420
00:26:19,745 --> 00:26:22,664
that murderer ran for over 11,000 yards.

421
00:26:29,671 --> 00:26:31,757
And he was acquitted.
So, you know, fuck it.

422
00:26:32,633 --> 00:26:34,051
The glove didn't fit.

423
00:26:35,511 --> 00:26:37,471
The glove didn't fit.

424
00:26:37,554 --> 00:26:39,223
Get over yourself."

425
00:26:43,811 --> 00:26:44,937
Some people can't do that.

426
00:26:45,020 --> 00:26:47,314
Some people just can't
get over themselves.

427
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:52,694
Gay people have a hard time
doing that recently.

428
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:55,114
Here we go. Here comes the deep water.

429
00:26:57,574 --> 00:26:58,992
No, recently I've noticed that.

430
00:26:59,076 --> 00:27:02,830
I noticed it
with that Manny Pacquiao controversy.

431
00:27:03,622 --> 00:27:08,085
Yeah, it was...
Now, in the gay community's defense,

432
00:27:08,836 --> 00:27:12,506
Manny Pacquiao said some outlandish shit
about gay people,

433
00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:14,633
very not nice things that I won't repeat,

434
00:27:14,716 --> 00:27:21,348
but there was biblical verses
and some analogies to animals.

435
00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:24,893
It wasn't a good look.
Nike took his shoes immediately.

436
00:27:26,562 --> 00:27:30,691
Which I thought was a little harsh.
A little harsh, you know what I mean?

437
00:27:30,774 --> 00:27:33,527
Just 'cause he's Asian.
You know what I mean?

438
00:27:33,610 --> 00:27:38,407
How the fuck are you gonna take the shoes
off an Asian dude to appease a gay dude?

439
00:27:38,490 --> 00:27:40,701
You know what I mean?
No? You don't know what I mean.

440
00:27:40,784 --> 00:27:45,539
But Asian people kind of know what I mean.
No? No Asians in the front? No?

441
00:27:46,999 --> 00:27:50,085
No, this is what I mean.
Look, you're an Asian dude...

442
00:27:50,168 --> 00:27:53,672
I say this with no disrespect.
We're all Americans, right?

443
00:27:54,464 --> 00:27:58,260
And we can agree that America
has a huge body count all over the world,

444
00:27:58,343 --> 00:28:00,012
but nowhere more than Asia.

445
00:28:00,095 --> 00:28:02,848
Literally, if you look at history,
recently,

446
00:28:02,931 --> 00:28:07,519
we have bombed the masculinity out
of an entire continent.

447
00:28:07,603 --> 00:28:10,397
We dropped two atomic bombs
on fucking Japan,

448
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:13,442
and they've been drawing Hello Kitty
and shit ever since.

449
00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:18,655
There's a lot of lady-boys
in the wake of our bombs.

450
00:28:20,532 --> 00:28:22,784
And I know these things
because my wife is Asian.

451
00:28:22,868 --> 00:28:23,994
She's Filipino.

452
00:28:25,913 --> 00:28:27,789
All right, okay. So, that explains it.

453
00:28:27,873 --> 00:28:31,209
Now you know why you see me
at all those Filipino events.

454
00:28:32,419 --> 00:28:35,422
I'm not there picking up pussy.
I'm dropping some off.

455
00:28:42,095 --> 00:28:43,597
I take my wife to all that shit.

456
00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:46,099
I took my wife to see Pacquiao
fight Mayweather.

457
00:28:46,183 --> 00:28:49,102
We sat ringside, okay? That...

458
00:28:49,186 --> 00:28:52,564
Yeah, that was a quiet car ride home,
that's what that was.

459
00:28:55,859 --> 00:28:57,945
But if you know what's popping
in the Philippines,

460
00:28:58,028 --> 00:29:01,823
you know that they got a whole generation
of kids in the Philippines

461
00:29:01,907 --> 00:29:05,953
growing up without their mothers. Yes.

462
00:29:06,036 --> 00:29:09,081
A lot of women in the Philippines go
to the Arabian Peninsula,

463
00:29:09,164 --> 00:29:11,833
they come to the United States,
they make all their money here,

464
00:29:11,917 --> 00:29:13,627
they send all that money back home,

465
00:29:13,710 --> 00:29:16,838
which is still one of the number-one
staples in the Philippines' economy...

466
00:29:16,922 --> 00:29:20,092
money that the expats send back
to the Philippines.

467
00:29:20,175 --> 00:29:23,679
The men, on the other hand,
are left rearing children,

468
00:29:23,762 --> 00:29:26,723
twiddling their thumbs,
waiting on their wives' checks.

469
00:29:26,807 --> 00:29:30,060
These men have been fucking emasculated.

470
00:29:30,143 --> 00:29:34,273
And then suddenly,
a boxer rises from amongst them

471
00:29:34,356 --> 00:29:39,528
and reinstates their manhood
with his motherfucking fist.

472
00:29:41,238 --> 00:29:43,532
This is not the guy you're supposed
to ask,

473
00:29:43,615 --> 00:29:45,284
"What do you think of homosexuals?"

474
00:29:47,244 --> 00:29:48,829
He's not your champ.

475
00:29:51,748 --> 00:29:54,710
Shit.
That's why I don't have a sneaker deal,

476
00:29:54,793 --> 00:29:56,753
'cause if you say something
that people don't like,

477
00:29:56,837 --> 00:29:58,547
they'll take your fucking shoes off.

478
00:29:59,715 --> 00:30:03,218
If Martin Luther King had a sneaker deal,
we'd still be on the back of the bus.

479
00:30:03,927 --> 00:30:05,804
It's true. The Nike exec would come up...

480
00:30:05,887 --> 00:30:07,889
"Hi, Martin. Uh...

481
00:30:09,391 --> 00:30:13,270
we need you to tone down the talk
of civil rights

482
00:30:13,353 --> 00:30:16,023
and blacks being humans.

483
00:30:16,106 --> 00:30:19,818
It's upsetting our Southern distributors."

484
00:30:20,777 --> 00:30:22,571
"But I don't understand.

485
00:30:23,780 --> 00:30:27,492
I thought that's why I had a sneaker deal
in the first place."

486
00:30:29,369 --> 00:30:30,746
"Not quite.

487
00:30:31,538 --> 00:30:35,167
Really, it's a walking shoe.
And we like the marching, but...

488
00:30:38,045 --> 00:30:39,671
Try to understand."

489
00:30:41,048 --> 00:30:42,341
Fuck that shit.

490
00:30:43,592 --> 00:30:46,428
You know, I get it, though.
I understand why gay people are mad,

491
00:30:46,511 --> 00:30:47,763
and I empathize.

492
00:30:47,846 --> 00:30:50,974
You know what?
I'm just telling you this as a black dude.

493
00:30:51,058 --> 00:30:52,809
I support your movement.

494
00:30:52,893 --> 00:30:56,355
But if you want to take some advice
from a Negro, pace yourself.

495
00:30:57,397 --> 00:30:59,024
These things take a while.

496
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,903
Just 'cause they passed the law
doesn't mean they're gonna like it.

497
00:31:02,986 --> 00:31:06,198
Brown v. Board of Education was
in 1955.

498
00:31:06,281 --> 00:31:08,992
Somebody called me a nigger in traffic
last Wednesday.

499
00:31:09,076 --> 00:31:11,203
It takes a minute.

500
00:31:17,626 --> 00:31:20,796
My wife's friend Stewart told me that.
My wife has a lot of gay friends.

501
00:31:20,879 --> 00:31:22,714
Stewart's their leader.

502
00:31:25,509 --> 00:31:29,054
She has a lot of gay friends.
And I don't like 'em.

503
00:31:34,351 --> 00:31:35,352
Not 'cause they're gay.

504
00:31:35,435 --> 00:31:37,187
I'm just judging them
on the merits of their character.

505
00:31:37,270 --> 00:31:40,273
They're just not nice dudes.
They're fucking rude houseguests.

506
00:31:40,357 --> 00:31:43,443
They're sitting on my couch,
giggling with my wife,

507
00:31:43,527 --> 00:31:46,571
eating my motherfucking macaroons.

508
00:31:48,073 --> 00:31:49,866
Then I come in,
and they act like the party's over.

509
00:31:49,950 --> 00:31:51,201
"Hey, Stewart. What's going on?"

510
00:31:51,284 --> 00:31:53,620
This guy talks to me the way
a cat would speak if a cat could talk.

511
00:31:54,663 --> 00:31:56,748
"Hi, David."

512
00:32:01,378 --> 00:32:03,505
"Stewart, what's all the beef, man?
What's going..."

513
00:32:04,714 --> 00:32:06,800
He always wants to have
some kind of gay political argument.

514
00:32:06,883 --> 00:32:10,679
The last one was about a petition
in federal court

515
00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:13,181
to take the words "husband and wife" out
of the law.

516
00:32:13,265 --> 00:32:15,392
I said, "Why would you want those words
out of the law?"

517
00:32:15,475 --> 00:32:18,311
He said, "Because it discriminates
against same-sex couples."

518
00:32:18,395 --> 00:32:20,689
I was like, "Niggas, please,
save me the semantics.

519
00:32:20,772 --> 00:32:23,608
Just trust me. Take your chips
and get the fuck out of the casino.

520
00:32:23,692 --> 00:32:25,026
You're about to crap out!

521
00:32:26,111 --> 00:32:29,114
Just go outside,
talk that over amongst yourselves,

522
00:32:29,197 --> 00:32:32,242
and whichever one of you is gayer,
that's the wife."

523
00:32:38,457 --> 00:32:40,459
No, no. Stewart didn't like that.

524
00:32:41,460 --> 00:32:44,838
Stewart educates me about this movement.
I didn't even know shit about it.

525
00:32:44,921 --> 00:32:50,886
He told me it's called "LBGTQ!"

526
00:32:53,346 --> 00:32:55,474
I was like, "What the fuck is the 'Q'?"

527
00:32:55,557 --> 00:32:57,517
Does that even make sense? "Q"?

528
00:32:57,601 --> 00:32:59,644
Turns out "Q" is like the vowels.

529
00:32:59,728 --> 00:33:02,772
That shit is sometimes "Y."

530
00:33:04,399 --> 00:33:06,735
It's for gay dudes
that don't really know they're gay.

531
00:33:06,818 --> 00:33:08,904
Like prison fags who are like,
"What? I'm not gay, nigga.

532
00:33:08,987 --> 00:33:11,531
I'm just sucking these dicks
to pass the time.

533
00:33:13,283 --> 00:33:15,535
I'm not 'G.' I'm 'Q.' Ugh."

534
00:33:27,923 --> 00:33:31,384
I think...
Okay, again, of all those letters,

535
00:33:31,468 --> 00:33:34,262
the "T" has the toughest road ahead.

536
00:33:34,346 --> 00:33:37,849
In fact, I think the "T" should stand
for "Tough road ahead."

537
00:33:41,144 --> 00:33:43,605
They've got the longest mental gap
to bridge.

538
00:33:43,688 --> 00:33:44,856
That's all I'm saying.

539
00:33:44,940 --> 00:33:47,108
Because whenever I see one
of them Ts on the street,

540
00:33:47,192 --> 00:33:50,111
I don't mind them,
but I'll be like, "Man, I miss Bruce."

541
00:33:54,241 --> 00:33:55,742
I'm sorry, guys.

542
00:33:56,493 --> 00:33:59,621
I'm 42. I remember Bruce Jenner.

543
00:34:01,081 --> 00:34:02,916
Before the Kardashians, before all that,

544
00:34:02,999 --> 00:34:06,127
this motherfucker
was a white American superhero.

545
00:34:07,087 --> 00:34:10,298
It was amazing. He was beating Africans
at track and field.

546
00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:13,760
We'd never seen anything like it.

547
00:34:15,136 --> 00:34:17,055
He was on my cereal box growing up.

548
00:34:17,138 --> 00:34:20,976
You know how much of that cereal I ate?
Nigga, I didn't know he was gonna do that.

549
00:34:25,772 --> 00:34:30,068
I knew before you guys knew.
I heard things on the street in Hollywood.

550
00:34:30,151 --> 00:34:31,945
You'd just be out, see people.

551
00:34:32,028 --> 00:34:34,906
"Hey, what's up, Kanye?
Why the long face?"

552
00:34:38,618 --> 00:34:39,828
"Nigga, you'll see.

553
00:34:41,079 --> 00:34:43,164
I got two mother-in-laws now."

554
00:34:45,584 --> 00:34:48,878
And when I heard he was gonna do it,
I was scared.

555
00:34:49,629 --> 00:34:52,591
I didn't think the public was ready.
I didn't think the media was ready.

556
00:34:52,674 --> 00:34:54,801
And you know what? I was wrong.

557
00:34:54,884 --> 00:34:57,637
Not only did the public embrace him,
but the media was nice.

558
00:34:57,721 --> 00:34:59,264
I'd never seen anything like it.

559
00:34:59,347 --> 00:35:02,642
"Welcome to the world, Caitlyn.
So long, Bruce.

560
00:35:03,393 --> 00:35:04,644
Hello, Caitlyn."

561
00:35:04,728 --> 00:35:07,814
I was shocked! Is this happening?

562
00:35:07,897 --> 00:35:10,275
Wait a minute.
Is this a time in American history

563
00:35:10,358 --> 00:35:12,819
where an American can make a decision
for themselves,

564
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:15,655
and even though other Americans
don't understand it, they'll support it

565
00:35:15,739 --> 00:35:17,532
and let this person live a happy life?

566
00:35:17,616 --> 00:35:21,077
Is this what's happening?
If it is, then good for America.

567
00:35:21,161 --> 00:35:24,039
That's Dave Chappelle, the American.

568
00:35:28,585 --> 00:35:30,879
Although, Dave Chappelle,
the black American,

569
00:35:32,589 --> 00:35:34,174
he was a little jealous.

570
00:35:34,966 --> 00:35:37,510
I was like, "How the fuck
are transgender people

571
00:35:37,594 --> 00:35:40,430
beating black people
in the discrimination Olympics?"

572
00:35:41,723 --> 00:35:45,852
If the police shot half as many
transgenders as they did niggas last year,

573
00:35:45,935 --> 00:35:47,646
there'd be a fucking war in LA.

574
00:35:48,688 --> 00:35:51,816
I know black dudes in Brooklyn...
hard street motherfuckers...

575
00:35:51,900 --> 00:35:53,652
that wear high heels just to feel safe.

576
00:36:07,332 --> 00:36:09,084
Transgenders are gangsters.

577
00:36:09,959 --> 00:36:12,712
I used to do business
with a transgender in Hollywood.

578
00:36:13,838 --> 00:36:16,549
Man, everybody would be scared of her
in the boardroom.

579
00:36:16,633 --> 00:36:19,678
She'd walk in there, newly-minted woman,
high heels, purse.

580
00:36:22,013 --> 00:36:24,349
Wouldn't say anything to us,
just walk around the conference table,

581
00:36:24,432 --> 00:36:25,600
looking mean and shit.

582
00:36:34,025 --> 00:36:37,612
Then she'd walk to the head
of the conference table, stare at us all,

583
00:36:37,696 --> 00:36:40,740
reach in her purse, pull her old dick out
and throw it on the table.

584
00:36:44,911 --> 00:36:46,663
"Let's talk business, gentlemen."

585
00:36:46,746 --> 00:36:48,707
"Aaah!"

586
00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:56,005
Shit is scary as fuck.

587
00:36:56,881 --> 00:36:59,759
If your best friend pitched that to you,
you'd be horrified.

588
00:36:59,843 --> 00:37:01,594
"Yo, nigga, let's go to the hospital

589
00:37:01,678 --> 00:37:04,013
and cut our dicks off
and make pussies out of them shits."

590
00:37:04,097 --> 00:37:05,390
"What?!

591
00:37:06,474 --> 00:37:09,644
Can't we just get matching jackets
or tattoos or something?

592
00:37:11,855 --> 00:37:14,441
You sure that's what you want to do?"
"There's only way to find out, nigga.

593
00:37:14,524 --> 00:37:17,944
Wu-Tang! Pow! Pow!

594
00:37:21,364 --> 00:37:24,242
Let's go to the club
and trick niggas into fucking us. Yeah."

595
00:37:35,044 --> 00:37:36,880
The third time I met OJ Simpson...

596
00:37:45,096 --> 00:37:48,224
The third time I met OJ Simpson,
I was doing great in life.

597
00:37:48,308 --> 00:37:50,935
I'd just finished the second season
of Chappelle's Show.

598
00:37:54,689 --> 00:37:56,900
Man, those were good days.

599
00:37:57,817 --> 00:38:00,737
I was playing a comedy club in Miami,
The Improv.

600
00:38:00,820 --> 00:38:02,155
I don't know if you've ever been,
but if you have,

601
00:38:02,238 --> 00:38:05,074
you'd know the door for the green room
is right on the stage.

602
00:38:05,158 --> 00:38:06,618
Can you imagine such a thing?

603
00:38:06,701 --> 00:38:08,286
If I walked out of the door
of the green room,

604
00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:10,663
bam, I was right here,
right from the dressing room.

605
00:38:10,747 --> 00:38:14,375
And I did that. I walked out,
and the whole crowd was like, "Hooray!"

606
00:38:14,459 --> 00:38:18,671
And I looked...
ma'am, as close as you are to me...

607
00:38:18,755 --> 00:38:21,591
I saw him as soon as I came out:
The Juice.

608
00:38:23,968 --> 00:38:26,262
And I saw recognition in his eyes,

609
00:38:26,346 --> 00:38:29,307
and it filled me with pride
that he knew who I was.

610
00:38:29,390 --> 00:38:32,602
I didn't acknowledge his presence
because it was a white audience,

611
00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:34,354
and I didn't want to start a panic.

612
00:38:39,359 --> 00:38:41,069
But I did my show. The show went great.

613
00:38:41,152 --> 00:38:43,446
I said, "Good night, everyone."
They all said, "Yay!"

614
00:38:43,530 --> 00:38:44,697
And I didn't say nothing to OJ,

615
00:38:44,781 --> 00:38:46,741
but I just gave him the signal
to let him know I knew he was there.

616
00:38:50,411 --> 00:38:52,455
And I walked into the green room,

617
00:38:52,539 --> 00:38:55,124
and OJ was already in there!

618
00:38:57,001 --> 00:38:59,629
I was like,
"How the fuck is this possible?"

619
00:38:59,712 --> 00:39:00,755
I was scared.

620
00:39:02,006 --> 00:39:04,843
And then my friends came in,
and we all started talking.

621
00:39:04,926 --> 00:39:05,927
We sat down on the couch.

622
00:39:06,010 --> 00:39:08,304
And I'm just telling you what I saw
with my own eyes.

623
00:39:08,388 --> 00:39:10,306
You can believe me or not believe me.

624
00:39:10,390 --> 00:39:15,186
But in my experience, OJ Simpson...
one of the nicest men I'd ever met.

625
00:39:16,229 --> 00:39:19,357
He was nice to me.
He was nice to my friends.

626
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:23,069
The conversation was filled with warmth
and levity, humor and wisdom.

627
00:39:24,737 --> 00:39:27,282
We talked for 90 minutes,
and then suddenly, the Juice said,

628
00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:30,952
"You know what? I've got to be going.
But it's good to see you again,

629
00:39:31,035 --> 00:39:33,246
and I'm glad things went so well."

630
00:39:33,329 --> 00:39:34,581
I said, "Thanks, Juice."

631
00:39:34,664 --> 00:39:36,749
And my friends said,
"Yeah, goodbye, Mr. Juice."

632
00:39:36,833 --> 00:39:38,084
They were new to the game.

633
00:39:41,504 --> 00:39:45,884
He said, "No. Thank you...
for your hospitality. Good night, guys."

634
00:39:45,967 --> 00:39:49,178
And we said, "Good night."
And he just walked out of the room.

635
00:39:49,262 --> 00:39:51,264
And as soon as the door closed,
we all looked at each other like,

636
00:39:51,347 --> 00:39:53,182
"That nigga did that shit.

637
00:39:54,392 --> 00:39:55,727
Did you feel that?

638
00:39:57,729 --> 00:39:59,272
I could feel like...

639
00:40:01,524 --> 00:40:03,151
murder in the room."

640
00:40:06,738 --> 00:40:08,448
Well, you young heads missed that shit.

641
00:40:08,531 --> 00:40:09,908
You're all too young.
You don't remember that.

642
00:40:09,991 --> 00:40:12,201
- How old are you, young, man? You.
- Twenty-four.

643
00:40:12,285 --> 00:40:14,621
Twenty-four? You don't know shit.

644
00:40:14,704 --> 00:40:16,122
You don't know shit!

645
00:40:16,915 --> 00:40:19,208
You gotta Google shit
that I lived through.

646
00:40:20,585 --> 00:40:22,587
See, this is why
I lock motherfuckers' phones up.

647
00:40:22,670 --> 00:40:25,006
Seriously. Because the young kids,

648
00:40:25,089 --> 00:40:27,467
you guys need to take a break from that...

649
00:40:27,550 --> 00:40:29,636
We all need to break just
from that technology,

650
00:40:29,719 --> 00:40:30,803
just for a minute.

651
00:40:36,309 --> 00:40:39,938
You know, I'm from a different time,
young man. A dark time to you.

652
00:40:41,272 --> 00:40:44,400
I'm from a time that I didn't even used
to know who was on the phone

653
00:40:44,484 --> 00:40:45,860
until I answered the shit.

654
00:40:52,283 --> 00:40:55,662
Like, when tragedy used to strike.
I remember I was 12 years old,

655
00:40:55,745 --> 00:40:59,457
and the teacher wheeled a television set
into the classroom.

656
00:40:59,540 --> 00:41:00,667
You remember these days?

657
00:41:03,086 --> 00:41:06,214
And she turned it on
to one of three channels.

658
00:41:07,757 --> 00:41:11,177
And she said,
"Class, the space shuttle is taking off,

659
00:41:11,260 --> 00:41:13,388
and we're all gonna watch it take off."

660
00:41:13,471 --> 00:41:16,975
Man, that shit was going great
for like, three to five minutes.

661
00:41:17,892 --> 00:41:21,896
That's right. You remember.
It fucking exploded!

662
00:41:23,564 --> 00:41:26,693
Right on television.
Everybody on board, dead.

663
00:41:26,776 --> 00:41:28,361
Immediately presumed dead.

664
00:41:29,362 --> 00:41:31,864
It was so bad, the teacher looked
at all the kids and was like...

665
00:41:34,867 --> 00:41:36,035
"You can go home."

666
00:41:39,872 --> 00:41:42,709
It was a goddamn national tragedy.

667
00:41:42,792 --> 00:41:46,379
This was Cold War America.
The Russians were laughing at us.

668
00:41:47,046 --> 00:41:50,842
My point is, for a guy your age
wouldn't even know the pain,

669
00:41:50,925 --> 00:41:52,301
because in your generation,

670
00:41:52,385 --> 00:41:55,471
it's like the space shuttle blows up
every fucking day.

671
00:41:55,555 --> 00:42:00,393
How can you care about anything
when you know every goddamn thing?

672
00:42:00,476 --> 00:42:03,813
I'm getting over one cop shooting,
and then another one happens,

673
00:42:03,896 --> 00:42:06,024
and then another one happens,
and another one happens.

674
00:42:06,107 --> 00:42:08,484
I'm crying about Paris,
and then Brussels happens.

675
00:42:08,568 --> 00:42:12,238
I can't keep track of all this shit.
So you just give the fuck up.

676
00:42:12,321 --> 00:42:15,533
That's the hallmark of your generation,
and that's fucked up,

677
00:42:15,616 --> 00:42:17,493
because your generation lives

678
00:42:17,577 --> 00:42:19,746
in the most difficult time
in human history.

679
00:42:19,829 --> 00:42:23,666
This is the age of spin.

680
00:42:23,750 --> 00:42:28,337
The age where nobody knows
what the fuck they're even looking at.

681
00:42:28,421 --> 00:42:31,340
Did you know that Planned Parenthood was
for abortions?

682
00:42:31,424 --> 00:42:34,469
It's for people
that don't plan things out at all.

683
00:42:38,973 --> 00:42:44,854
That's right. So, a guy your age
doesn't really know how he feels.

684
00:42:44,937 --> 00:42:47,982
Are you pro-choice?
Are you anti-consequences?

685
00:42:48,066 --> 00:42:49,484
What does it all really mean?

686
00:42:53,321 --> 00:42:55,740
It's easier not to care for you.

687
00:42:55,823 --> 00:42:59,243
But for us, we were trained to care.

688
00:43:00,161 --> 00:43:02,455
We were raised that way.

689
00:43:02,538 --> 00:43:05,541
I used to watch a fucking cartoon
when I was growing up

690
00:43:05,625 --> 00:43:07,251
called Care Bears.

691
00:43:12,298 --> 00:43:15,551
It was about a fucking group
of teddy-bear people.

692
00:43:15,635 --> 00:43:18,096
They were like teddy bears,
but they were like people,

693
00:43:18,179 --> 00:43:20,598
and they were all different colors,

694
00:43:20,681 --> 00:43:24,185
and they all fucking
just walked around, caring.

695
00:43:24,268 --> 00:43:28,106
They cared about each other
and everything else.

696
00:43:29,482 --> 00:43:32,443
They all had different designs
on their stomachs,

697
00:43:32,527 --> 00:43:36,781
and the designs told you something
about what they might be like inside.

698
00:43:39,367 --> 00:43:42,370
Very, very loving group of beings.

699
00:43:43,329 --> 00:43:46,415
And when shit got real bad,
as nice as those teddy bears were,

700
00:43:46,499 --> 00:43:49,544
they didn't get mean faces.
They got determined. Hmm!

701
00:43:50,628 --> 00:43:52,839
And the leader would say,
"Come on, guys.

702
00:43:52,922 --> 00:43:57,885
It's time for the Care Bear Stare!"

703
00:43:57,969 --> 00:43:59,303
Remember that shit?

704
00:44:02,515 --> 00:44:05,143
And them little teddy bears
would lock arms...

705
00:44:06,185 --> 00:44:08,896
and stare at the problem...

706
00:44:08,980 --> 00:44:11,440
and I'm not even bullshitting...

707
00:44:11,524 --> 00:44:15,153
actual love would shoot out
of their chests...

708
00:44:18,114 --> 00:44:21,534
and would dispel anything
that was fucked up.

709
00:44:22,827 --> 00:44:26,038
And when we grew up,
we wanted to be like those bears.

710
00:44:27,165 --> 00:44:28,708
And then we got our hearts broken,

711
00:44:28,791 --> 00:44:32,295
because we found out
that life wasn't gonna let us do that

712
00:44:32,378 --> 00:44:36,799
and that it's impossible
to shoot love out of your chest.

713
00:44:37,717 --> 00:44:42,096
However, I have shot love
onto somebody's chest before.

714
00:44:47,018 --> 00:44:50,771
I do it all the time.
It's the next best thing.

715
00:44:59,155 --> 00:45:00,448
You kids don't know.

716
00:45:01,741 --> 00:45:07,538
Your generation is just determined
to be angry, mad.

717
00:45:08,289 --> 00:45:09,707
Everybody's mad.

718
00:45:10,416 --> 00:45:12,543
Back when we were growing up,
only black people were mad.

719
00:45:12,627 --> 00:45:15,630
Now everybody's just trying
to get in on the act.

720
00:45:17,465 --> 00:45:19,884
I try to think to myself,
"When did everyone get mad?"

721
00:45:19,967 --> 00:45:22,637
And then I realize
this happened before we were born.

722
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:24,430
This is a long way to go, but...

723
00:45:25,306 --> 00:45:28,684
it probably started
in the Second World War.

724
00:45:28,768 --> 00:45:30,102
Think about it.

725
00:45:30,186 --> 00:45:32,897
All these black men,
millions of black men,

726
00:45:32,980 --> 00:45:35,441
leave the United States
for the first time,

727
00:45:35,524 --> 00:45:38,277
go over to Europe
with America's Armed Forces

728
00:45:38,361 --> 00:45:42,365
and fight the Nazis
and make more money fighting Nazis

729
00:45:42,448 --> 00:45:44,742
than they ever dreamed they would make
in the United States.

730
00:45:44,825 --> 00:45:47,161
And a lot of those men,
while they were in Europe...

731
00:45:47,244 --> 00:45:50,706
just to be real, not to be crass...

732
00:45:50,790 --> 00:45:54,919
a lot of them probably got their dicks
sucked by white women.

733
00:45:55,878 --> 00:45:58,422
I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
This was World War II Europe,

734
00:45:58,506 --> 00:46:00,216
and these were desperate times,

735
00:46:00,299 --> 00:46:03,177
and penises were being sucked
for shoelaces and chocolate

736
00:46:03,260 --> 00:46:04,637
and very frivolous things.

737
00:46:08,224 --> 00:46:11,143
And it's very hard to come back to America
and sit on the back of the bus

738
00:46:11,227 --> 00:46:12,728
after you've been in the South of France,

739
00:46:12,812 --> 00:46:15,773
getting your dick sucked for a Crunch bar
or some crazy shit like that.

740
00:46:19,402 --> 00:46:21,487
That's a life-changing experience.

741
00:46:24,824 --> 00:46:29,328
And while that was happening in Europe,
here in America, for the first time,

742
00:46:29,412 --> 00:46:33,833
women entered the workforce en masse,
by the millions.

743
00:46:33,916 --> 00:46:36,794
All the men were gone.
Someone had to run the factory.

744
00:46:36,877 --> 00:46:39,880
The ladies did it. That's right.

745
00:46:39,964 --> 00:46:42,216
This was the first generation
of American women

746
00:46:42,299 --> 00:46:45,136
to have independent income
en masse,

747
00:46:45,219 --> 00:46:47,972
and when the men came back,
the women weren't the same.

748
00:46:48,055 --> 00:46:49,432
American women had grown.

749
00:46:49,515 --> 00:46:53,269
They were uttering phrases that no woman
on Earth had ever spoken before,

750
00:46:53,352 --> 00:46:57,857
things like, "No" and "Shut the fuck up"
and "I don't feel like it."

751
00:47:04,655 --> 00:47:06,824
And then behind the scenes of that,

752
00:47:07,533 --> 00:47:09,618
there was a little-known government agency

753
00:47:09,702 --> 00:47:12,997
that started testing mind control drugs
on the American public.

754
00:47:13,080 --> 00:47:15,958
They fucked up.
They tested it for 12 years.

755
00:47:16,042 --> 00:47:18,794
They didn't realize these drugs
were not mind-controlling.

756
00:47:18,878 --> 00:47:20,463
They were mind-expanding.

757
00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:23,924
It was LSD and mescaline
and shit like that.

758
00:47:24,759 --> 00:47:27,261
And for the first time,
there was a new school of thought

759
00:47:27,344 --> 00:47:28,471
that was chemically induced

760
00:47:28,554 --> 00:47:31,891
that made people question
the very society they lived in.

761
00:47:31,974 --> 00:47:35,019
By 1960,
the President of the United States

762
00:47:35,102 --> 00:47:37,229
was only 42 years old.

763
00:47:37,313 --> 00:47:38,522
Can you imagine?

764
00:47:38,606 --> 00:47:40,274
DMX is older than that.

765
00:47:44,779 --> 00:47:47,198
And he was gonna usher in a new era
of peace.

766
00:47:47,281 --> 00:47:50,785
He was gonna avoid the Cold War.
He was gonna end segregation.

767
00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:54,997
And they blew his fucking brains out
in front of everyone in Dallas.

768
00:47:55,081 --> 00:47:57,458
This country was never the same.

769
00:47:57,541 --> 00:48:00,795
There were seven more major assassinations
in the '60s.

770
00:48:00,878 --> 00:48:02,880
Anyone that stood up and said anything

771
00:48:02,963 --> 00:48:05,841
was shot down in the streets
like a fucking dog.

772
00:48:05,925 --> 00:48:10,262
Kennedy, Kennedy, King, X, Evers,
on and on.

773
00:48:10,346 --> 00:48:11,931
You didn't even have to be famous.

774
00:48:12,014 --> 00:48:13,933
You could be a college student
at Kent State,

775
00:48:14,016 --> 00:48:16,102
or in Mississippi,
protesting the Vietnam War,

776
00:48:16,185 --> 00:48:17,812
and they shot them, too.

777
00:48:20,564 --> 00:48:22,983
The '70s were a wild era.

778
00:48:23,067 --> 00:48:25,778
And while all this was going on...

779
00:48:26,612 --> 00:48:29,865
Bill Cosby raped 54 people.

780
00:48:32,993 --> 00:48:36,038
Holy shit. That's a lot of rapes, man.

781
00:48:37,164 --> 00:48:39,291
This guy's putting up real numbers.

782
00:48:40,209 --> 00:48:42,086
He's like the Steph Curry of rape.

783
00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:48,467
Man, that's a lot of rapes. Fifty-four?

784
00:48:49,844 --> 00:48:51,846
If he had raped 30 less people...

785
00:48:53,264 --> 00:48:55,641
that's still two dozen rapes!

786
00:48:59,895 --> 00:49:03,524
Don't forget, each one of these rapes
has eight hours of sleep in it.

787
00:49:06,569 --> 00:49:10,239
Ladies and gentlemen,
that's over 400 hours of rape.

788
00:49:11,615 --> 00:49:14,285
It only takes 65 hours
to get a pilot's license.

789
00:49:18,289 --> 00:49:22,084
If rapes were aircrafts,
this nigga is Top Gun for sure.

790
00:49:28,591 --> 00:49:30,009
Yeah, that's a tough one.

791
00:49:31,177 --> 00:49:35,097
And I was onstage not too long ago.
I was in Syracuse, New York.

792
00:49:36,265 --> 00:49:39,518
Yeah. Well, yeah, for Syracuse.
But the show didn't go so good...

793
00:49:40,686 --> 00:49:42,855
all because I was talking about Bill Cosby
a little bit.

794
00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:46,734
Not a little bit. I'll be honest.
I talked about him for like, 25 minutes.

795
00:49:49,278 --> 00:49:51,280
And a woman stood up
in the back of the room,

796
00:49:51,363 --> 00:49:54,783
and she screamed out,
"You are a fucking asshole

797
00:49:54,867 --> 00:49:57,077
for saying these things!"

798
00:49:57,870 --> 00:49:58,871
"I know."

799
00:50:00,664 --> 00:50:04,835
Instantly, I felt bad.
Not bad about what I was saying.

800
00:50:04,919 --> 00:50:08,047
I just felt bad like, "Oh, that's too bad
she doesn't like the show."

801
00:50:10,090 --> 00:50:13,594
I didn't realize it at first,
but not only did she say that,

802
00:50:14,345 --> 00:50:16,472
she was rushing the stage.

803
00:50:16,555 --> 00:50:19,225
By the time I saw her,
I just saw this shadowy figure

804
00:50:19,308 --> 00:50:23,103
fucking charging up the aisle towards me
in full fight mode.

805
00:50:23,187 --> 00:50:25,856
I was horrified. I said, "Oh, my God!

806
00:50:27,650 --> 00:50:29,568
I'm gonna kick this bitch in the face."

807
00:50:37,201 --> 00:50:40,996
Lucky for me, I didn't have to.
Security tackled her.

808
00:50:41,080 --> 00:50:43,290
But it was a really
fucking horrifying scene.

809
00:50:43,958 --> 00:50:47,086
A scuffle ensued. And then,

810
00:50:47,962 --> 00:50:50,381
finally, she screamed out to me,

811
00:50:50,464 --> 00:50:51,966
"Women suffer!"

812
00:50:52,049 --> 00:50:53,175
I said, "I know."

813
00:50:54,134 --> 00:50:57,429
And, ladies,
I need you to know... that I know.

814
00:50:58,806 --> 00:51:01,767
I need you to know. Seriously,
there's a lot of men in this room

815
00:51:01,850 --> 00:51:04,395
that identify themselves as feminists.

816
00:51:04,478 --> 00:51:06,146
I would include myself in that.

817
00:51:06,230 --> 00:51:10,109
Don't ever forget, we all have mothers
and daughters and sisters and wives,

818
00:51:10,192 --> 00:51:13,487
and we want to see
all these women do well

819
00:51:13,570 --> 00:51:16,115
and not be held back by their gender.

820
00:51:16,198 --> 00:51:17,950
There's a lot of men like that
in this room.

821
00:51:18,033 --> 00:51:19,368
There's a lot of men like that
in the world.

822
00:51:19,451 --> 00:51:23,205
Or as we are known on the streets,
bitch-ass niggas.

823
00:51:30,462 --> 00:51:32,631
But as this woman was wrestling
and screaming at me,

824
00:51:32,715 --> 00:51:35,759
I started to take offense.
And I'll be honest, race was involved.

825
00:51:35,843 --> 00:51:37,344
She was a young white woman.

826
00:51:37,428 --> 00:51:40,139
Well-intentioned, but just not thinking it
all the way through.

827
00:51:40,222 --> 00:51:45,728
"Bitch, how the fuck are you going to yell
at a black man about discrimination?"

828
00:51:46,562 --> 00:51:49,690
She didn't get it. She just kept going.
"Women suffer!"

829
00:51:49,773 --> 00:51:50,774
"I know."

830
00:51:50,858 --> 00:51:53,068
"Women suffer!" "Same team."

831
00:51:53,152 --> 00:51:55,779
"Women suffer!" "I know."

832
00:51:56,405 --> 00:51:58,991
And this is when she went too far:
"We suffer just like you."

833
00:51:59,074 --> 00:52:00,534
"Slow your roll, bitch.

834
00:52:05,080 --> 00:52:08,959
You suffer, yes, but not like me.
Not like us."

835
00:52:09,043 --> 00:52:11,628
She goes, "Suffering is suffering.
What's the difference?"

836
00:52:11,712 --> 00:52:13,672
I said, "Come on, white woman,
you know what it is.

837
00:52:14,631 --> 00:52:17,343
You was in on the heist.
You just don't like your cut."

838
00:52:20,346 --> 00:52:22,431
You suffer, I suffer.

839
00:52:23,098 --> 00:52:26,393
You suffer, I suffer. That's how it works.

840
00:52:27,353 --> 00:52:29,355
Can't do comparative suffering.

841
00:52:29,438 --> 00:52:32,649
If you're hungry, and your friend says,
"You know, people are starving in Africa,"

842
00:52:32,733 --> 00:52:34,860
"So what, nigga? I still want lunch."

843
00:52:41,492 --> 00:52:43,827
Black people know
about comparative suffering,

844
00:52:43,911 --> 00:52:45,746
and you know that
it's a fucking dead-end game.

845
00:52:45,829 --> 00:52:48,165
Blacks and Jews do that shit to each other
all the time.

846
00:52:48,248 --> 00:52:50,793
You ever played Who Suffered More
with a Jewish person?

847
00:52:54,129 --> 00:52:55,464
It's a tough game.

848
00:52:57,174 --> 00:52:58,842
Whenever you think you've got
the Jewish guy on the ropes,

849
00:52:58,926 --> 00:53:00,928
that motherfucker will be like,
"Well, don't forget about Egypt."

850
00:53:01,011 --> 00:53:05,891
"Egypt?! God damn, nigga, I didn't know
we was going all the way back to Egypt."

851
00:53:11,772 --> 00:53:13,565
What the fuck is wrong with her?
What does she think?

852
00:53:13,649 --> 00:53:17,694
Does she think that I don't know
that rape is wrong?

853
00:53:17,778 --> 00:53:19,738
Does she think that maybe
I don't have empathy

854
00:53:19,822 --> 00:53:22,366
for Bill Cosby's alleged victims?

855
00:53:22,449 --> 00:53:25,285
And I would be remiss
if I didn't remind you

856
00:53:25,369 --> 00:53:28,288
that technically these are all
still allegations.

857
00:53:28,372 --> 00:53:31,208
Although, I admit it looks very bad.

858
00:53:37,047 --> 00:53:39,800
Perhaps if she looked at it correctly,

859
00:53:39,883 --> 00:53:43,262
she would have empathy for me,
the man she was attacking,

860
00:53:44,179 --> 00:53:46,056
a 42-year-old black comedian.

861
00:53:46,140 --> 00:53:48,976
Obviously, Bill Cosby was a hero to me.

862
00:53:49,935 --> 00:53:51,728
And she doesn't know what it feels like

863
00:53:51,812 --> 00:53:55,566
to think that your hero
might've done something so heinous,

864
00:53:55,649 --> 00:53:57,401
my God, you can't imagine.

865
00:53:57,484 --> 00:54:01,613
It'd be as if you heard
that chocolate ice cream itself...

866
00:54:02,990 --> 00:54:05,159
had raped 54 people.

867
00:54:10,247 --> 00:54:14,501
You'd say to yourself,
"Oh, man, but I like chocolate ice cream.

868
00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:17,045
I don't want it to rape."

869
00:54:21,425 --> 00:54:24,178
Didn't want to believe it.
At first, I didn't believe it.

870
00:54:24,261 --> 00:54:29,266
I said, "These people are obviously trying
to destroy Dr. Cosby's rich legacy."

871
00:54:30,058 --> 00:54:34,062
Even 34 allegations into it,
I was still like, "Man...

872
00:54:36,064 --> 00:54:38,609
he probably only raped ten or 11
of those people."

873
00:54:42,863 --> 00:54:46,241
I know, I know. But it's really tough.
You guys are young.

874
00:54:46,325 --> 00:54:50,329
Imagine if you found out 40 years from now
that Kevin Hart raped 54 people.

875
00:54:50,412 --> 00:54:52,164
You'd be like, "Oh, my God."

876
00:54:52,247 --> 00:54:54,500
The only one that would believe that
would be Katt Williams.

877
00:54:54,583 --> 00:54:57,628
He'd be like, "I knew that motherfucker
was up to something!

878
00:55:01,381 --> 00:55:03,091
I knew Kevin had raped those people."

879
00:55:07,221 --> 00:55:09,848
You know,
I was mad at Kevin, too, though.

880
00:55:11,266 --> 00:55:13,310
You know why? Okay, first of all,

881
00:55:13,393 --> 00:55:15,979
I didn't even know
Kevin was as successful as he was.

882
00:55:18,649 --> 00:55:20,734
I found that shit out the hard way.

883
00:55:21,527 --> 00:55:26,240
I was at home when my son busted in.
He said, "Dad, I need $250."

884
00:55:26,323 --> 00:55:28,158
He's only 12 years old, so I freaked out.

885
00:55:28,242 --> 00:55:30,494
"What's going on, nigga?
Is somebody trying to kill you?"

886
00:55:36,083 --> 00:55:38,043
He said, "No, no.

887
00:55:38,126 --> 00:55:40,712
Kevin Hart's coming to town,
and I wanted to see his show."

888
00:55:40,796 --> 00:55:43,924
I said, "How much are the tickets?"
He said, "They're $125."

889
00:55:44,007 --> 00:55:46,385
I said, "God damn! Mine are only 80."

890
00:55:49,429 --> 00:55:51,348
I said, "Why do you need $250, then?"

891
00:55:51,431 --> 00:55:55,310
He goes, "Because I want to go
with you, Dad. Please?

892
00:55:56,395 --> 00:55:57,563
And there it is.

893
00:55:58,689 --> 00:56:00,399
So, I took him to the show.

894
00:56:00,482 --> 00:56:02,401
And we go, we sit right up front.

895
00:56:02,484 --> 00:56:06,363
The lights go down, and one opening act
after another goes on.

896
00:56:06,446 --> 00:56:10,492
Then Kevin takes the stage.
The crowd goes fucking nuts.

897
00:56:10,576 --> 00:56:13,787
Thousands of people. I was furious.

898
00:56:22,129 --> 00:56:24,590
The longer the show went on,
the madder I got.

899
00:56:25,757 --> 00:56:28,385
Because his show was fucking outstanding.

900
00:56:28,468 --> 00:56:30,762
It was maddening. These people
were fucking holding their stomachs.

901
00:56:30,846 --> 00:56:32,264
My son was slapping his knee.

902
00:56:33,640 --> 00:56:36,643
I'm like, "Damn, nigga, I do this, too."

903
00:56:41,898 --> 00:56:44,651
Kevin says, "Good night."
The crowd goes crazy.

904
00:56:44,735 --> 00:56:48,238
And then everyone starts walking
to his door, and the lights come on,

905
00:56:48,947 --> 00:56:52,409
and then my son is just standing there,
looking at an empty stage.

906
00:56:52,492 --> 00:56:55,329
People are pushing past me,
and nobody's recognizing me.

907
00:56:55,412 --> 00:56:57,122
I'm like,
"Man, this place fucking sucks!"

908
00:56:58,624 --> 00:57:00,375
I said, "Come on, son,
let's get out of here."

909
00:57:02,085 --> 00:57:04,796
Then my son looks back at me and says,
"Dad, please.

910
00:57:04,880 --> 00:57:06,340
Please, I have to meet him."

911
00:57:06,423 --> 00:57:08,175
I was like, "Oh, my God."

912
00:57:09,926 --> 00:57:12,846
So, I took him backstage.
I've known Kevin for years,

913
00:57:12,929 --> 00:57:16,516
but can you believe I was scared
to knock on his dressing room door?

914
00:57:16,600 --> 00:57:18,185
I almost said...

915
00:57:19,811 --> 00:57:22,022
"Son, I haven't seen him for a long time."

916
00:57:26,443 --> 00:57:28,737
And one of Kevin's goons opened the door.

917
00:57:29,821 --> 00:57:31,323
"Hey, what's up, Dave Chappelle?

918
00:57:31,406 --> 00:57:33,325
What are you doing, man?
It's good to see you, brother.

919
00:57:33,408 --> 00:57:35,786
What are you doing in this area?
This is a terrible area."

920
00:57:35,869 --> 00:57:38,246
I'm like, "Actually, I live around here.
Listen...

921
00:57:42,668 --> 00:57:44,920
is Kevin here?

922
00:57:45,587 --> 00:57:47,798
My son just wanted
to meet him real quick."

923
00:57:47,881 --> 00:57:49,883
"I don't know,
'cause Kevin's about to eat dinner."

924
00:57:49,967 --> 00:57:52,260
Just then, Kevin came around the corner
to see who it was.

925
00:57:52,344 --> 00:57:55,347
"What? Oh, shit! What's up, Dave?
Come on back.

926
00:57:55,430 --> 00:57:57,849
I was just about to have dinner.
I don't know if you guys ate,

927
00:57:57,933 --> 00:57:59,726
but you're welcome to join me
if you'd like."

928
00:57:59,810 --> 00:58:01,770
And then my son pushed passed me.
It was some cold shit.

929
00:58:01,853 --> 00:58:06,483
He goes, "Actually, Mr. Hart,
we haven't eaten in several hours."

930
00:58:12,948 --> 00:58:17,369
Man, Kevin took us into his back room.
This guy had a fucking spread.

931
00:58:17,452 --> 00:58:20,414
It was Tuesday night. This motherfucker
was having Sunday dinner.

932
00:58:20,497 --> 00:58:23,667
There were steaks, chops,
corn with butter all over it.

933
00:58:23,750 --> 00:58:25,961
My son was eating all fast,
embarrassing me.

934
00:58:26,044 --> 00:58:27,421
I was like, "Slow down, son."
He was like...

935
00:58:39,224 --> 00:58:42,853
Then I looked over in the corner,
and there was a box

936
00:58:43,687 --> 00:58:46,440
of custom-made jerseys
for the local team.

937
00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:48,066
Each one was hand-stitched,

938
00:58:48,150 --> 00:58:53,280
and on the back,
they stitched on "K-Hart" on all of them.

939
00:58:53,363 --> 00:58:55,365
Kevin saw me staring at that box,

940
00:58:56,199 --> 00:58:58,452
and he went over
and grabbed one of them jerseys,

941
00:58:59,077 --> 00:59:01,329
and he walked right to my son.

942
00:59:01,955 --> 00:59:05,584
He said, "Hey, little man.
I want you to have this."

943
00:59:05,667 --> 00:59:08,253
And my son was like, "Thanks, Mr. Hart."
This is when I got mad.

944
00:59:08,336 --> 00:59:10,380
He goes,
"If your father ever makes you mad,

945
00:59:10,464 --> 00:59:11,840
put that on."
And he walked out.

946
00:59:17,971 --> 00:59:19,723
Oh, that was some cold shit.

947
00:59:23,226 --> 00:59:25,729
Then I realized...
I looked up what Kevin made on Google.

948
00:59:25,812 --> 00:59:27,314
I couldn't believe that shit.

949
00:59:27,397 --> 00:59:30,734
Kevin is the first comedian
that a Drake song could be about.

950
00:59:32,569 --> 00:59:35,322
Kevin could walk around his house
and sing "All Me,"

951
00:59:35,405 --> 00:59:37,074
and the whole song would still be true.

952
00:59:37,991 --> 00:59:40,952
"Got everything, I got everything

953
00:59:41,828 --> 00:59:44,206
I cannot complain, I cannot

954
00:59:44,289 --> 00:59:47,334
I don't even know
How much I really made

955
00:59:47,417 --> 00:59:49,419
I forgot, it's a lot

956
00:59:49,503 --> 00:59:51,338
Fuck that, never mind what I got"

957
00:59:51,421 --> 00:59:52,964
And his wife will be like,
"Kevin, come to bed!"

958
00:59:53,048 --> 00:59:55,467
He'll be like...
"Ho, shut the fuck up

959
00:59:55,550 --> 00:59:56,635
I got way too much... "

960
01:00:02,224 --> 01:00:05,977
You know how much money you have to have
to tell a girl to shut the fuck up?

961
01:00:08,897 --> 01:00:11,775
I have "Quiet, please" money at best.

962
01:00:14,736 --> 01:00:17,280
I'd have to take a loan out
for "Shut the fuck up."

963
01:00:18,657 --> 01:00:20,867
"Shut the fuck up..."
That's Jay Z money.

964
01:00:21,910 --> 01:00:25,080
And Beyoncé got
"No, you shut the fuck up" money.

965
01:00:34,089 --> 01:00:36,508
Let's not forget. Let's not forget.

966
01:00:36,591 --> 01:00:39,636
I've never met Bill Cosby,
so I'm not defending him.

967
01:00:39,719 --> 01:00:42,639
Let's just remember
that he has a valuable legacy

968
01:00:42,722 --> 01:00:44,850
that I can't just throw away.

969
01:00:44,933 --> 01:00:48,603
I remember that he's the first black man
to ever win an Emmy in television.

970
01:00:48,687 --> 01:00:52,399
I also remember that he's the first guy
to make a cartoon with black characters

971
01:00:52,482 --> 01:00:55,152
where their lips and noses
were drawn proportionately.

972
01:00:56,862 --> 01:00:59,072
I remember that he had a television show

973
01:00:59,156 --> 01:01:02,826
that got numbers equivalent
to the Super Bowl every Thursday night.

974
01:01:02,909 --> 01:01:07,289
And I remember that he partnered up
with a clinical psychologist to make sure

975
01:01:07,372 --> 01:01:12,335
that there was not one negative image
of African-Americans on his show.

976
01:01:12,419 --> 01:01:14,713
I'm telling you, that's no small thing.

977
01:01:15,547 --> 01:01:19,759
I've had a television show.
I wouldn't have done that shit.

978
01:01:21,720 --> 01:01:23,346
He gave tens of millions of dollars

979
01:01:23,430 --> 01:01:25,682
to African-American institutions
of higher learning,

980
01:01:25,765 --> 01:01:29,227
and is directly responsible for thousands
of black kids going to college.

981
01:01:29,311 --> 01:01:31,021
Not just the ones he raped.

982
01:01:38,111 --> 01:01:39,905
Here comes the kicker. You ready?

983
01:01:40,572 --> 01:01:42,908
Here's the fact that I heard,
but haven't confirmed.

984
01:01:42,991 --> 01:01:46,995
I heard that when Martin Luther King stood
on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial

985
01:01:47,078 --> 01:01:48,330
and said he had a dream,

986
01:01:48,413 --> 01:01:53,835
he was speaking into a PA system
that Bill Cosby paid for.

987
01:01:53,919 --> 01:01:56,880
So, you understand what I'm saying?
The point is this:

988
01:01:56,963 --> 01:01:59,841
He rapes, but he saves.

989
01:01:59,925 --> 01:02:02,677
And he saves more than he rapes.

990
01:02:02,761 --> 01:02:04,846
But he probably does rape.

991
01:02:04,930 --> 01:02:07,265
Thank you very much! Good night!

992
01:02:35,043 --> 01:02:38,463
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

993
01:02:38,546 --> 01:02:43,176
I forgot.
The fourth time I met OJ Simpson.

994
01:02:48,098 --> 01:02:50,267
The fourth time is not the funniest time,

995
01:02:50,350 --> 01:02:52,727
but it was the last time
I'd see the Juice.

996
01:02:53,436 --> 01:02:56,273
For some reason,
I was at the Kentucky Derby.

997
01:02:56,356 --> 01:02:57,774
It's a very long story.

998
01:02:59,192 --> 01:03:01,736
This is right after I quit
Chappelle's Show

999
01:03:02,362 --> 01:03:03,947
in spectacular fashion.

1000
01:03:07,075 --> 01:03:08,910
There was a party hosted
by Michael Jordan,

1001
01:03:08,994 --> 01:03:14,040
and every athlete I've ever admired was
in that room.

1002
01:03:15,166 --> 01:03:16,251
Yes.

1003
01:03:17,627 --> 01:03:22,090
And then I saw a familiar face by the bar,
standing there, drinking alone.

1004
01:03:22,173 --> 01:03:24,301
It was Chris Tucker. Now...

1005
01:03:26,344 --> 01:03:31,057
you have to remember, at this time,
we were both technically missing.

1006
01:03:34,352 --> 01:03:36,479
And we went over,
and we're talking with one another,

1007
01:03:36,563 --> 01:03:38,732
and motherfuckers were amazed
to see us together.

1008
01:03:38,815 --> 01:03:40,400
Seeing me and Chris Tucker at that point

1009
01:03:40,483 --> 01:03:43,111
would be like seeing Bigfoot
riding a unicorn.

1010
01:03:44,029 --> 01:03:46,323
You wouldn't believe
that's what you were seeing.

1011
01:03:48,199 --> 01:03:53,038
And then, through all the gawkers,
a familiar face pushed through the crowd.

1012
01:03:53,121 --> 01:03:54,289
Here he was again.

1013
01:03:55,332 --> 01:03:56,541
The Juice.

1014
01:03:58,126 --> 01:04:00,879
He had his camera ready.
He was like, "Dave, Chris.

1015
01:04:00,962 --> 01:04:02,505
Good to see you guys.

1016
01:04:02,589 --> 01:04:05,175
Hey, come on, guys.
Let's all get together for a picture."

1017
01:04:05,258 --> 01:04:08,470
And at the same time,
me and Chris were like, "No.

1018
01:04:09,471 --> 01:04:10,513
I can't do that.

1019
01:04:13,516 --> 01:04:17,145
Sorry, Juice, my career is too flimsy
to survive a picture with you."

1020
01:04:19,564 --> 01:04:21,107
That's the end. Good night.

1021
01:04:43,755 --> 01:04:46,800
One last thing. Before you go,

1022
01:04:47,592 --> 01:04:50,428
I just wanted to acknowledge
for the real comedy fans.

1023
01:04:50,512 --> 01:04:51,846
We can't not acknowledge it.

1024
01:04:51,930 --> 01:04:55,141
We lost a fucking juggernaut
in comedy this week.

1025
01:04:55,225 --> 01:04:58,520
So, I'm just shouting out the family
and friends of Garry Shandling.

1026
01:04:58,603 --> 01:05:02,774
Much love to you guys.
My sincerest condolences.

1027
01:05:02,857 --> 01:05:05,485
And for the hip-hop fans
in the building...

1028
01:05:07,153 --> 01:05:10,365
put two fingers up in the air
for A Tribe Called Quest

1029
01:05:10,448 --> 01:05:11,908
and my man Phife Dawg.

1030
01:05:11,991 --> 01:05:14,244
May he rest in peace forever and ever.

1031
01:05:14,327 --> 01:05:15,995
Thank you for that beautiful music.

1032
01:05:16,079 --> 01:05:17,580
Good night, everybody. Thank you.

1033
01:05:21,751 --> 01:05:26,339
Twos up! Twos up!
Hands up, hands up! Twos up!

1034
01:05:26,423 --> 01:05:29,801
We're gonna do this for Phife!
I need everybody to rap with me right now!

1035
01:07:08,483 --> 01:07:09,776
I'm rich, biatch!