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[Morgan Freeman] He is in possession.
He doesn't think of jokes.
He is compiling voiceover I tell you right now.
Asking me to approve this matter is beyond his wildest dreams.
And he doesn't want to waste it reckless opportunity.
You have arrived at voicemail from comedian genius Dave Chappelle.
Unfortunately, he can't or doesn't want to talk now,
so please leave a detailed message
[playing music]
♪ Play me ♪
♪ Buy me ♪
♪ Workinonit ♪
♪ Tune up ♪
♪ Tune ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Fade me ♪
♪ what? ♪
[playing music]
♪ Now, when I'm young ♪
♪ At the age of five years ♪
♪ My mother said I would be ♪
♪ The greatest man alive... ♪
[applause and applause]
♪ But now I'm a guy ♪
♪ Walk past 21 ♪
♪ I'm a man ♪
♪ I spell M ♪
♪ A, kid ♪
♪ N ♪
Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
What is happening?
Nice to see everyone here tonight.
Thank you.
Hey, sit down. Everyone feels comfortable and relaxed.
Geez. Nice to go back to Austin, Texas.
It's good to know that the boxes have returned.
[audience laughs]
Most of the dudes I met around this section
dress like a dyke in New York, so I like to see it.
Humans! Texas Fuck This place is...
That's pretty good.
[applause and applause]
Good enough.
I was in Santa Fe that night,
and a bastard throws a banana peel at me.
Yes, it doesn't feel so good.
Of course, it's white.
Not to indict white people. I just said Not for profiles.
And then, he doesn't just throw bananas peel me, but...
it's planned. You can know.
The skin is too brown. Do you know what I mean?
You haven't eaten bananas recently, bastards
You have nonsense waiting for me.
And the whole crowd is white, so it's just scary,
and everyone looks like they see 12 years of a slave.
They are all like...
Who did that?
And then they catch that person, who...
[laughs]
I said, "Someone will love you on the handle in the stem cell.
You know that right?
You can't just throw a banana skin on Dave Chappelle.
They won't let you go with this."
And the press calls me like, "Do you have a statement?"
"A statement ?! For fucking banana skin? No!
I don't have anything to say."
This person is very famous to throw bananas at me.
Twenty years from now, she will slip her children into bed,
and children will be like, "Dad, tell me about today
You throw the banana skin to the Negro in Santa Fe."
"Wow, what do I say. The bastard has it.
I saw his name in the tent about a week before.
I said, 'Man, if I can get it close enough to meet him...
I will throw the banana to the Negro and show him how... '"
Fucking Bananagate. I don't even like...
I don't even want to file a claim. This happened to me before . No, seriously. Not bananas. I live in Ohio right? clap for that.
OK It's the first time that crap has ever happened.
"Ohio?!"
However...
I live among white people.
Small town in Ohio.
And that is winter, and it snowed recently,
so there is big snow on the road. I'm walking with my sister.
Now, my brother is dressed in in all Muslim clothes,
Like his children,
and I dress like Dave Chappelle.
And we walk and just talk about something,
and a car shot round the corner, and the window went down,
and someone throws a snowball and hits me right on my shoulder.
[thud]
I don't know what's going on. Why this happened?
Because I'm black? Because he is Muslim? Because I'm Dave Chappelle?
I don't know. But, again, I know it's planned.
Because who has a snowball? in a warm car?
But he doesn't think about it Along the way, miss.
Because he went around and stopped at a red light.
He is trapped in traffic.
So, I ran out to the street, and I just tapped on the window.
[pounding]
"My man, can I talk to you guys? for a moment?
Come on for a moment. I just want to talk to you. "
There are four young white dudes in the car. They are like," just cool, bro. "
I say," Relax, I just want to talk. "
Now, this is an old black trick.
Really, I don't want to talk. I will fuck them.
So if you have been trapped in traffic,
and a black man starts saying he just wants to talk to you,
don't open the door
Even if he is me, smile at you.
And they are like, "Chill, bro."
And one person in the back seat...
I don't know what, He's just thinner than his friends.
He is like, "Fuck, man! I will get out of the car!"
And I started to grip the door.
"Let me help you, bastard. Let me help you out."
And I don't pay attention to the window.
And he throws a snowball, Damn it hit me right on my chest. Pow!
He said, "Fuck, you're a naughty Negro!"
Then the light turns green and they rush away.
And I smile from ear to ear.
I looked at my sister, and she said, "I got the plate."
And I'm happy because throws a snowball into a bastard
is a mild attack.
But if you call him a Negro when you do it,
That is a great hate crime.
And my sister and I started dancing.
"We will send this bastard to jail!"
I didn't realize it, But when I shouted at him,
a crowd of white people has been formed, Because it is a city that is all white.
And I'm like, "Uh-oh." I thought I would jump.
Then one of them white people walks and like, "I don't like it at all.
This is not what this city represents.
I don't want this damn item around me. "
And other white men like, " Yeah, I don't like it either! "
And then an old white man stepped out of the crowd and said,
" Young man, if you want to fill a police report,
I want to come with you and do the same thing. "
I say," You will do that for me? "
And all the people say," Hurray! " I said," Come on, yes! "
Brother Johnson
with traces of white people.
Not real An hour later, we all sat in the police station,
and police enter They are like, "All right, Mr. Chappelle...
sixteen identical police reports.
We carry out tags. Two young men who have their mother's car
We have four suspects in holding, and mother here
It's up to you. Whatever you want to do
If you want to make a claim, we will advance.
Mr. Chappelle, are you okay? "
"Huh?
Sorry about that, Officer. I'm a little confused.
I've never been in a position
where I can determine his fate from previous white children
But...
It weighs heavily for me, sir.
And I really can't decide. "
And I saw a woman pacing in the hallway,
and I said," Is that... " She said," Yes, that's their mother. "
" Can I talk to him? before I make a decision? "
And when the mother enters and she sees it is me,
she sobs.
" Oh, God, Oh, no. I don't want him to be imprisoned.
I am very sorry. I didn't raise it to do this.
We like your comedy. We love you at home. "
I say," Miss, please, just... Alright, look.
I don't want your child to go to jail too.
But what he did was quite chaotic.
So, is there anything we can do, short of prison,
just to let him know that he's wrong? "
He said," I don't know. What's in your mind? "
" Miss, I've never been in this position before.
But maybe if you... If you can... suck my cock a little. Just a little.
I will not finish.
I just want you to do it enough so I can tell him you have done it. "
I'm kidding.
I won't do that to anyone.
Maybe my child's mother, but that's all. Ebola is in Texas. Ebola visits.
Killing the man in Dallas. Five days, the man melted to death.
What happened to the brother in Dallas?
"Where is the secret serum?" what we all say
I remember at the beginning of Ebola, there were two American doctors who fell ill in Africa.
They fly it by private jet to Atlanta, to CDC.
I don't even know CDC sees patients.
Someone said they were taken care of
what's called the New York Times "secret serum."
I don't know what it says It's like Colonel Sanders recipe.
But these two bastards survive.
These doctors, thank God, are healthy.
They are out there tonight at Whole Foods,
touch vegetables, take a walk.
Everything is fine.
"Hey, Frank, how are you doing?"
"You didn't hear me? I had Ebola last week. But I'm fine now.
I bleed from my eyes and anus, so I'm worried,
But I'm fine. "
What happened to brothers in Dallas?
They only wiped a few Vicks on the nigga's chest.
" Good luck, little friend. "
I know he won't succeed.
I remember. Sad.
I saw in The New York Times...
They say Ebola is a new AIDS.
Wow! That's not it? are working well,
and they already have new AIDS.
Isn't that amazing how they do it?
Isn't it strange that there is a new disease that began in 1980,
and that doesn't kill anyone but niggas, homo and addicts?
Isn't that a great coincidence
that this disease hates everyone Parents and whites hate it?
I think God is good white,
or the government hides that crap in disco balls
Only people who get AIDS.
Last month, on the front of The New York Times,
measles is the headline.
I have to check the date of the paper. I like, "Measles? Is this 1850?
What is this? Why is measles on the news? "
It turns out they are trying to decide If mandatory vaccinations for children
are the way we all want to go.
There are thoughts
[applause and applause]
You say yes I ask sorry, ladies and gentlemen. I'm just...
I don't know I don't know about this.
First of all, black people generally don't trust doctors
After the Tuskegee experiment and all That nonsense.
More importantly, don't forget Michael Jackson was killed by a doctor.
Indeed, he's doing drugs. But if I'm a heroin addict
and I have a licensed doctor injects heroin inside me,
I have to endure that.
I will only like, "I'm good right? I'm good?
That's not too much, right?"
Dr. Butterfingers kill Michael Jackson.
After that, I like, "Fuck to the doctor."
Why am I cured? my children are vaccinated
for old diseases like measles?
You might also give them Diarrhea is shot if you are very worried.
Diarrhea has a greater body number than measles.
You know, diarrhea is funny today, but...
one hundred years ago, If your buttocks suffer from diarrhea,
You are a loner There is a zero chance of survival.
You get the first spray. Pfft! Uh oh.
"It's best to start my business in sequence.
I don't have much time. It's diarrhea. It's very serious."
You just see your friend slowly die in the pool of your own crap.
Pfft! "Oh, Oh.
I give up, diarrhea."
Pfffft! "You're too strong." Pfft!
At this time, your friend will like, "Do you have diarrhea?
Just eat bananas, nigga. Drink water. Come on to the club.
We can still call last. "
A difficult time for black people.
This is not the right time for black people. You know what I'm talking about, right?
The police kill us again. a set of circumstances,
because we did it very well. chairs that have been occupied by Mexicans...
and I'm sure Arabs.
And we, black Americans,
want to say thank you both for your sacrifice
and your struggle
We need rest.
We need a bad break.
We all experience something,
If you are an Arab and forget a backpack, you have about 20 minutes before they send the robot to blow your dirt up.
Now ISIS is number one on terrorist charts.
And ISIS is very scary.
Because if ISIS catches you, they will cut your head.
That's what they do. I have seen them do it on YouTube.
That was terrible. He looked directly at the camera and said,
"Obama, I'm back."
[swish]
I see that nonsense, I say, "Oh, my God.
Don't like it."
How does this person cut people's heads on Youtube?
I can't even send pic dick,
and this bastard is decapitating people.
I have to change my settings.
You know, it's hard for everyone to do it. But I think, it's harder than black people
and harder than Arabs and Mexicans, Do you know who is the worst?
Black people are fat
It's hard to understand white people, But what I say is very true.
Black fat people have a really rough path,
because of all kinds things to kill white people.
But you know what kills more black people than anything,
more than just police and terrorism?
Salt, nigga. Salt table salt is normal.
Here, white people get Ebola drugs and bullshit,
and in the meantime, I'm very curious.
Look, honestly, I will stop talking about it.
Let me say this, though. Let me just say it.
Can we all just say it that we have seen it come?
Are you surprised?
It's like when the person throws the banana at me Do you think I'm surprised? No.
I've been on a 30-year business event. I expect this banana.
I know one tonight...
I'm like, "Someone will throw bananas on me one night."
Because that's how it started, with a nickname
Like that Paula Deen. Remember Paula Deen was fired from the Food Network?
If you know about show business,
very difficult to fire from the damn Food Network.
And they drop the bitch like hot potatoes
All because he called someone in the words 30 years before he appeared.
I don't know who he said,
but whoever it is just looks at him like,
"I'll catch you for this, bitch."
That nonsense returns 30 years later like rape Bill Cosby
and sink the warship.
And every black person is angry, but we are not angry.
That is more confusing than it sucks.
I'm just like, "Well, how's this bitch? will call me Negro
when he taught me how to fry chicken? That isn't fair."
I think Donald Sterling's nonsense is more serious
Remember Donald Sterling? He used to have the Clippers,
and then he was caught on recordings recorded quietly
say some very disgusting things about African-Americans
And there is a lesson in that for all of us.
The lesson is if you are old and white and racist in this great country,
whatever you do...
Don't tell your black girlfriend about that nonsense Because...
that is what makes the recording.
He records all that nonsense. And the recording is terrible.
He is like, "Stop bringing black people to my game."
Initially, we were all confused.
"How will you have a game without us?"
But it turns out that the black he talks about
nothing but Magic Johnson, billionaire!
Extraordinary.
Never even mentioned the fact that he had AIDS,
which is the first thing I will say to my girlfriend
This person must be very racist if AIDS is a footnote
"You have to be careful, baby. He has old Ebola."
[chuckles]
You can say what you want about the girl, But I will tell you right now
he is a damn hero
You might have thought These things happened before,
But now you can see everything in front of you without a shadow of doubt.
That nonsense really goes down.
He sucked the old man's penis.
He really took one for the team on that one.
It's very dirty. His penis is, like, 80 years old.
It's like tasting history.
Like, five wars on it, Civil Rights Movement,
Great Depression.
This person has been fucking for 40 years before Bill Cosby's first rape.
This is a very old person.
Very old penis
But all that is nonsense still calling names.
Like, unbroken nickname modern black man.
That won't do the trick. I don't care about that.
everyone behind the desk has a Klu Ku Klux Klan above their heads,
what do you think I will do today?
Running out of Kentucky Fried Chicken? Not if I'm hungry.
I will go straight ahead. "Hey, man, let me take two pieces."
I don't care what he says.
"Do you want biscuits with it, nigger?"
"I think it comes with biscuits. What are all these attitudes?
I want two pieces. Chop, cut You know what it is."
But I won't be angry. Why am I crazy?
He who has to work at Kentucky Fried Chicken, not me.
What about this? What if I live in Austin and I have a white girlfriend?
Maybe in Austin.
In fact, some people say it's necessary
But that's not the point.
And me and my white boyfriend home one night,
and we only do what lovers do.
Maybe he is naked and he falls on one knee,
give me a hand job I like good handwork.
And he really jerked me.
You know, makes it obliques good and tight.
I have a big penis, so she's like...
[snoring]
And I'm like, "Wow, this really feels good
I thought I'd come."
And then he looked at me and left, "Come to my face...
Negroes."
I know, that's difficult.
Well, what do you think I will do? "Hey!"
There is no time for integrity, women and men.
I wiped the bean on his face.
I will describe the ethics later.
But I am what they call someone who comes from his words.
If I say I come, I will come.
I don't care what happens. God forbids, someone can shoot me.
If I say I'm coming, there are still...
[imitating shot]
Not that I like being shot.
Oh Boy. Yes, a difficult time for black people.
I will not say anything about police
I will leave it for Chris Rock.
Other great sports stories are, damn, Ray Rice ribbon.
Has anyone seen Ray Rice's recording?
I can't stop watching it.
This is terrible.
This is the cruelest thing I've seen happen to a woman
who is shot in color.
Really damn bad If I can freeze the time at that time
and give Ray Rice some suggestions,
I don't think there is a possible way I will be like...
"You have to hit his face."
That's a terrible idea.
At the same time, I also believe He should not be in a hurry.
What's up You can't beat it.
Don't rush a trained bastard to stiff people in the clutch.
He will be in the wind.
The only reason I bring it is because he will play football again You don't know that NFL is told by a federal judge
they must return Ray Rice
because he is transparent with their investigation
He told them what he did.
And they can't just change their decision just because the tape came out.
I understand. It's like if I hang out with my friends, and I like it,
"Hey, guess what I did last night?
I slept with the big and fat girl I met at the club."
And they're all like, "Oh, damn, Dave, that's crazy."
And then they see the recording I do it, and they are like...
"We can't hang out with you anymore, Dave.
It's not this crew."
I will like, "What? I say what I do.
What really messed up was that the tape was made before they got married. Isn't that weird?
I don't even know why he will do that.
As a man, do you want to stay with a woman
who you ever boxed on your face with all your strength? Purple-type shit.
"Celie Come here and shave me!"
Are you out of your damn mind?
I have to ask an old friend, just to get some perspective,
This older black man.
Actually the most beautiful person I've ever met. And I asked him.
I just said, "Hey, man, Do you see Ray Rice's video?"
And immediately, he was like, "David, that nonsense is disgusting."
And then a few moments later, he left...
"I want to know what he said to him."
I don't think it's important.
I think the idea is that you should not to hit his face.
Because my wife says nonsense to me.
My wife once called me a pussy...
in front of dinner guests
I know. I'm getting angry, but then I'm like,
"Damn, he might be right."
I'm pus. I admit it.
I am gentle and warm and persuasive, like real pussy.
Right.
Then I told him, "If you are not careful from me is right,
I might smell foul, like your vagina."
[crowd] Ohh!
Oh, we fight dirty in the Chappelle household.
That's not a big problem.
No no. If you want to get to the bottom from liver problems,
what should you do ask a woman
Now, actually, there are two women I know...
They are both college professors In this small area where I live,
and I meet them twice a week at Starbucks for coffee
We talk about important nonsense.
And I ask the girls... We are drinking klatch coffee.
I said, "Yo, why do you think? that this woman lives with Ray Rice
After she punches her face with all her strength?"
And one of my girlfriends said, "David, you need to wake up.
He is looking for money."
Now, wait a minute, Because my other girlfriend likes,
"I don't agree. I think he really loves her."
And I said, "Wait a minute, ladies. Do you know what?
I think you're both right."
And what I did when I said that was to preserve the possibility of
from the three with this bastard.
I got rid of this vagina
one cup of coffee at once for, like, four years.
I won't throw that hard work with some pesky Ray Rice.
I don't care much.
I just became real.
This is messy, man. This is a difficult time for black people.
- [man] I love you, Dave! - I love you too.
And then this is the banana skin. I wait there every second.
You know that's how it started.
I saw in today's paper that the person who threw a banana at me
arrested again Because he threw bananas
in another bastard in a bar in Santa Fe.
Look online after the show. He really did that.
And that person is also black. I just said
And you know why the man said he did it that night
He said, "I did it Because Dave Chappelle was racist."
So, nigga? That is not the best way to deal with it if I am racist.
What if Martin Luther King just goes around
throwing tuna casseroles at white people? Does it work?
[woman shouting]
- Huh? - Come on, Dave!
Gadismu is bubbling. She's so drunk, friend.
Look, sir, I don't know what he said,
but just take my advice Get water on it,
or you will have some vaginal dryness when you go home.
The penis will become put it to sleep tomorrow tomorrow Santa Maria. Who smokes here? Do anyone have cigarettes that I can borrow?
Yes. You, friend Yes, please
[crowd] Ohh!
Let me see. This is Marlboro menthol. This can be anyone.
If it's Newport, I will like, "A black man threw it up."
But Marlboro menthol, That is one of the puzzles.
Oh
[crowd cheering]
Is the word "pussy" offensive?
[crowd] No!
OK, just check it, just check it.
I asked people when I was in Denver, "Is the word 'pussy' offensive?"
And the whole crowd said no, except two people.
One of them is a woman in front, older than me, maybe my age.
Obviously a feminist. You know what I mean.
Short haircuts, plaid shirts. You know what I'm saying
And he didn't say it offended him. What he said was, he said,
"I feel uncomfortable with that word."
And I'm like, "Really? You?"
And before I could ask why, there was one person on the balcony...
I don't think he said this to me, But he said this.
Everyone hears it saying it. He said, "This is delicious."
I'm like, "What?"
I don't think I've heard pussy called delicious before in my life.
Now, this is not to say that it's bad.
But it must be the taste that is obtained.
I don't think one of us feels our pussy first like...
[lips hit]
"Mmm, that's great!"
Need something.
You know, it's illegal for gynecologists to say the word "pussy."
They can only say "vagina" or they can medically name each part _,
but they can never say shorthand, Even if the gynecologist is a woman.
I feel like that a female gynecologist, that's cool.
Like, "Am I okay?" He's like, "Girl, the pussy is..."
[click tongue]
He will be like, "Yes."
I don't think men should be permitted to become gynecologists
That nonsense is a conflict of interest.
Even when my wife is pregnant, we usually go to gynecologists...
[chuckles]
and he lifts his leg in stirrups like this.
He will be like, "Okay, Mrs. Chappelle, just try to relax."
I will push it. "Back up, motherfucker! I have this.
Just say what to look for."
One of the homestyle checks.
Too many ethical questions when men do that
Like, can a gynecologist lose their license...
to kiss their fingers during the exam?
Is that illegal?
How not? This is a man.
It's like if you have a good barbeque, You don't even think about it.
You are only...
The word "pussy" only offends if you are older
People my age and younger, I don't think we even...
We dance with that nonsense.
The song is present on the radio... ♪ I hit her pussy ♪
It is on the radio. ♪ I hit her pussy ♪
That's a pretty loud song.
It's not like a love song. There are no traces of tears,
there is no midnight train to Georgia.
This man just hit pussy up.
Extraordinary.
You don't even know If she has sex with these women.
They might pull their pants down. He will be like, pow!
"Unit G!"
You will watch HBO.
"Hi, I'm Larry Merchant, stand here ringside with pussy
After a devastating battle with 50 Cent.
Pussy, come here and let me talk to you for a moment. terrible. Your lips look swollen.
You bleed a little.
Tell me, pussy, what happens in the ring with 50? "
[panting]
"I don't know, Larry. I feel very good in the first half.
I'm ready to fight.
I'm warm and moist, and...
I don't know He just hit me from the angle I didn't expect.
Front left. The back most shocked me. "
"Well, pussy, let's look at four rounds.
This is where everything is right for you.
This is where you come out of your corner, pussy. You fight very well with right and left,
but then 50 slips you are a prick. And there. There. There. You see it?
He hits you right on that...
The little bean thing You have on the top of your head.
I don't know what that is.
There are 50 just pounding away in the nut, over and over.
Now, pussy, tell me, what happened through the mind of a fighter
When their beans are surrounded like that? "
" I don't think I'm thinking of something, Larry.
I am a true defensive fighter. It's hard to approach me.
I have never been hit directly on my previous bean
Actually, most fighters don't even know that the bean is there.
I think he hit me, Then I lost control of my feet.
I don't know what else to say. "
I like it when Lil Wayne talks about pussy, because he...
Remember Lil Wayne used to have that song? He said,
" ♪ I have a bitch playing movies In my Jacuzzi " ♪
Then he goes like this:
"♪ Pussy juicy ♪"
That nonsense Damn it always makes me laugh.
There is no man who says that. Only Lil Wayne says nonsense like that.
If you are fucking a girl, and she is like, "is this a good pussy?"
And you're like, "Yeah, it's juicy, good."
The vagina is runny.
That's why I'm not Lil Wayne. Because if I'm in the hot tub with a girl,
and I know that the vagina is runny While I was in the hot tub,
I might come out of the bathtub.
I am a human germ.
I just imagined Lil Wayne was like...
"Is this strange oil...
floating in my hot tub?
This is vaginal juice."
Damn it is very funny to me,
I must have written, like, no less than 40 jokes
with a punch line "pussy juice,"
and everything works to a certain level 100% of the time.
I will do one more so you trust me. Good.
OK. In the next section,
This is a special episode of CSI.
For some reason, Star Lil Wayne starred in
as the main detective. Good?
It's setup. Are you ready? This is it.
"Are there other people? at this crime scene?"
"No."
"This is very strange.
This place is almost uninterrupted. No forced entry
There are no signs of struggle.
Shine your flashlight here. I just slipped in something.
What is this?
This sparkles in the light.
Smooth to touch.
This is vaginal juice.
He must have sat in Indian style. "
Thirty-nine more from where it came from.
Everyone is angry about something. I don't have a problem with gay people, but I fucking hate bloggers.
I'm not saying it Because this person is gay.
They only act like bitch girls. They wrongly characterize my joke,
try to make a point off from me, when it's really like...
"Yo, I'm your ally, bastard. I'm not trying to stop gay people.
I have to do better."
This bastard says something, tries to make gay people beat me.
Seriously, he's like...
[effeminate voice] "Dave Chappelle's joke..."
I don't know how he speaks. I just made his voice go up.
"Dave Chappelle's joke is an insult to the maturity of all gay men."
What does that mean?
I don't say anything that will offend For gay men not men.
I know you are a boy.
Actually, what can be simpler than to fucking another guy in the ass?
This is the most gangster nonsense I've heard in my life.
I told you, I'm not suitable for that. I'm pus.
Do you know what I say? This is all I say.
First of all, I will tell you now what I say,
and I will say that this is not a joke. This is a true story,
and I happen to tell it.
What happened is, I went to a gallery party, okay?
I don't know who is here ever been rich before,
But this is a very good party.
You know, wine and cheese and baller conversation.
And there are several eccentric types,
one of them is a very rich person who happens to wear a dress.
I don't know what you are calling him. A tranny, or queen drags as possible.
Whatever he is, he really is a man.
And this man must be using drugs.
I don't know what medicine he uses, But I know he is too much.
He doesn't look good. He is like this. [groans]
He looks sick, and all his friends stand around him,
concerned, trying to revive it.
I don't know what, it looks like a kind of gay CPR.
There is a fanning and a bad luck. They are like...
I see all this from a distance.
Now, I have to think about my own business, but I'm curious.
I'm like...
And I go there. What I say, "Excuse me, gentlemen.
Is he alright?"
Then they look at me like I'm evil.
"He's fine."
I say, "Word?
I'm sorry. I don't know This is what we are doing."
This is my thing.
I support anyone
to be anyone they feel like they are inside.
I am your ally in that matter.
But...
my question is...
to what extent do I have to participate in your self-image?
Is it fair that I have to change my whole? game pronouns for this bastard?
That doesn't make sense.
Seriously.
If I wear an argyle sweater,
and I like, "Hey, everyone, I feel like a white person in this sweater,
and I want some respect and bank loans,"
it won't work
You don't care what I feel. Why do I have to tell how you feel?
"Nigger" is a pronoun.
But there is no time for philosophical debate
This is an emergency situation.
I say, "Fine, I'm sorry, friend. I'm just worried because...
Because he looks terrible.
And he falls off the bench. .
Do you mind if I call an ambulance, champ?
I prefer not to go to parties where OD tranny is.
Too many questions must be answered. "
Okay, I've experienced this before.
I have a friend from high school. He is a wild man. The first person was very scared of him.
And then after high school,
the word on the street He has come out of the closet. he was because last year, he called me suddenly,
like, "Yo, what's wrong, man? I got your number from so-and-so. I'm like, "Fuck, You can get some tickets. How are you?"
He said, "We will follow on the show, but I appreciate that See you later."
I say, "Okay, man, be careful." I want to hang up,
but I can't stand it. I'm like,
"Hey, nigga, I heard you're gay. What happened to that?"
And I hope I don't ask.
Because he sounds like he's dying to talk about that bullshit,
and he has a long story about it.
It's not that I don't care, but I... I don't like talking on the phone.
I was watching TV at the same time.
So, I just don't really pay attention to as it should
I try to sound supportive, but I don't know what to say.
So, I just mumbled and shit throughout this conversation
I'm like, "Okay, you know, nigga, you're gay, man You're just gay
Come on, man."
This lasts a little.
Then finally, I have to say something You can definitely get it out of the phone.
And I'm like, "Hey, what do you know? Don't let people drop you, okay?
And next time someone tries to make you feel bad about yourself,
Remember: Everyone is funny with someone. "
He doesn't like that nonsense.
He said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Huh?"
He said, "You said I was funny, bastard?"
I said, "No, that's not what I said. I say everyone is different."
He said, "You don't say 'different'. You say 'funny'.
What is so funny? about the way I make love?"
And I said, "Hey, man, I fuck my feet."
He said, "What ?!"
Oh, this isn't a joke, women and men.
I make women squeeze their legs together like this,
and I fuck them right in a small place on their feet.
But you can't build a community behind that bullshit
There is no flag for us.
Damn it makes him laugh.
The next day,
After the show, I saw him backstage.
He is like, "What's wrong, man? I'm like," Oh, damn it! What happened? "
He has friends with him. He said," Dave, I want you to meet Manuel.
Manuel is my fiance We in New York get married because it's legal here. "
I say," Oh. Alright, congratulations, fellas. "
And Manuel is like," Gracias. "
And he goes to go drinking,
and then my friend looks at me. He's like," So, Dave...
what do you think? "
And I started muttering again.
"Well, you're gay, nigga. You know, you're just gay."
He said, "I'm a little nervous about getting married, man
This is a big step."
I said, "Yes, that. This is a big step."
He said, "You have been married for a while.
Do you have any suggestions for us?"
"No, I'm married to a woman. Sorry about that."
And he corrects me. He said, "No, you married someone you love,
to be basically the same."
I say, "You know, man, the problem with that statement
is that it makes assumptions that I love it But... "
Will you ease things? Of course I love my wife.
He laughs at this nonsense.
In fact, He eats and spend this nonsense.
No, I told him, I said, "You know what you have to do, man?
First of all, you shouldn't do it. "
I'm talking about being legally married.
Not that you are gay as much as just legal marriage
is a game of cruel, damn leverage in the United States.
I'm just being honest.
Without having religious meaning or the idea of love,
Marriage is just a terrible contract that you should not sign.
I just became real.
Because you start loving each other.
Then two years later, you only build a case against each other...
for hypothetical court dates that may or may never occur.
You throw into being gay on top of that, that crap explodes.
This is Ray Rice's shit.
Right after Ray Rice passes all that nonsense,
I was having a party and I met this child Michael Sam.
Do you know Michael Sam? Very good man
He is the first open NFL gay player.
And Michael is a very good person, a very brave man,
But when I meet him, I can't help but think,
"What will happen when Michael Sam defeats his wife in the elevator? Do you know what I mean?
However...
I give all the same advice to marriage, gay or straight
Take a dog
Because the dog will love you all the time, but he doesn't want to.
That is real talk. I don't even know about dogs,
and my children get the dog.
They took him home from the shelter. I don't even want it.
They are like, "Can we hold it back?" I said, "No."
I said, "Where did you get this dog?" They are like, "From a shelter."
I'm like, "Ugh.
Maybe something is wrong with him.
Can't help it."
And then my children started crying and screaming
Like a dog that has a debt of gambling.
"Please, Daddy! If you don't let us hold it,
they will kill it!"
I'm like, "Oh...
All right, you can hold it back."
And this dog is a threat.
I hate his stomach.
One night, I have sucked a number of weeds, and I am eating a sandwich and Baba comes... Baba is his dog.
He comes and looks at me.
This will make you very uncomfortable, if he only sees you eating
I have to give him a piece of my sandwich so he will leave,
and that's how we become friends.
Now, if you see me walking on the road with Baba,
I don't have a rope or not. He walked right beside me.
If I stop, he will stop. And if I leave, he will leave.
And all my friends are like, "Yo, Dave, that crap is drugs.
How do you train Baba to do that nonsense?"
"I've never trained Baba.
I'm just a messy eater."
If I drop food and Baba doesn't exist, All I have to do is call him.
"Baba!"
He's a black dude dog, so he doesn't come soon.
He peeked first to see what happened.
I have to knock my feet so he can see the food.
"Here, little friend."
He is like, "Thank you, Dave," and he will get it and run away.
But he knows all my habits. If he smells wild grass at home,
he will be like... [sniffing]
"Oh, this bastard will eat." And he just came running.
Baba made it through a very difficult time in my marriage
We spend a lot of time together.
Not my wife and I don't spend time together,
but we have been married for a long time, we don't talk like...
I don't know if anyone is married here, but after ten years,
all the nagging crap is gone. You have said everything.
You know what I mean. Yes. We are only in the zone.
He says the same thing to me every night before he sleeps.
I will be the last. She's like, "I'll sleep, Dave.
Good night."
"Alright, honey I will be awake and watch television. Good night."
Then he will walk halfway up the stairs.
"David?"
"Hmm?"
"Don't have kids lunch." And then he left.
Well, that nonsense, I don't even have lunch anymore.
Back in the day, I used to eat that crap. You know how it goes.
Now I can smoke a few weeds in the middle of the night,
and he will leave a neatly wrapped sandwich the entire kitchen
I will eat it
What's the problem? Why not? just make the others in the morning?
I mean, I also have a son.
And boys love everything their father does.
My children will go to school The next day like,
"Oh, Dad bit my sandwich Oh, damn it!"
Their father is Dave Chappelle, man.
You can exchange the sandwich for something better
What I do is add to their lunch
But he doesn't understand this type thing.
However, he is angry with me.
He is angry with me now Because I have a problem.
I made myself blackmailed, that happened in this business.
I go home from the road.
There is FedEx sitting on the kitchen table,
and it was aimed at me, so I opened it
I don't know who drove him.
And there is a video cassette in it with a note written on it
which says, "Gotcha."
Oh my God. Can you imagine I'm scared.
I tore the whole house, tried searching for VCR
I have not seen recordings for more than a decade.
And I saw the tape, and it was terrible. They arrested me.
That is my recording... I'm fucking a girl, okay?
But I've always been married. But that doesn't look good.
And I feel nauseous, and I look up at hours,
Then I see my wife coming home in ten minutes,
and I'm just panicking
I jerked onto the tape quickly, then...
Then I called the FBI.
Who, by the way, makes me feel much better
They don't say it they will catch them for sure,
but they have the attitude of some people confident people who will catch them.
So, I'm not too worried about it.
And then, even a week later, five days later, I go home,
and there are more video tapes sitting on my terrace
As soon as I see it, I just called the police.
"They did it again. And the second record is nonsense I've seen in my life. That is terrible.
Career ends badly. That is my recording...
jerking to the tape a week before.
I don't even know how they do it Even get things like that.
I have to explain all this to my wife.
He is very angry.
There is nothing in this world as cold as that as a cold shoulder of a woman,
Because he was angry, But he didn't want to talk to me about it.
He will only punish me in a few ways, makes me do the things I hate to do.
Like choosing children from school. That's one thing he did for me to do.
That is a difficulty for me.
I have one child who goes to a public school
And...
his younger brother goes to a private school
This is an experiment. I just want to see what will happen to them
But the strange thing is, my little boy in a private school,
he, like, my son, Do you know what I mean?
I don't know where he got it. He didn't get it from me.
And he certainly doesn't understand from that school
The school is very... This is a liberal school.
This is the type of school...
Maybe there are, like, 12 black students throughout the school,
and I'm the only black parent.
And also there are no parents like me.
Not because I'm black, But they don't like how I roll.
I will appear late all the time, and I, like, at Porsche,
and I'm blasting music they don't like.
♪ I hit her pussy ♪
Then I enter the parking lot.
I might smoke with children in the car.
Then I enter the defective room.
And when I exit from a defective space,
they always want to say some passive-aggressive crap.
"Morning, Dave. Don't know if you pay attention,
but you are actually parking in a defective room."
"Yeah, you know, Frank, I did pay attention.
But who is this disabled person? We all wait for what never appears? "
So, I hate going to school.
The only good parents to me are lesbian couples...
Kate and Sarah.
Actually, Kate hates my courage. Sarah knows that I'm black,
and he's half black, so he only understands me.
You know what I'm saying? I can't explain it.
Because I would say bad,
and Kate too seriously about being lesbian
I would like, "Hey, Kate, Hey, Sarah.
You go for a father-child picnic next week?
How will it work? "
And Kate will be angry right away.
But Sarah knows I'm playing games, so she will only say something cool.
" I don't know, Dave, maybe Kate and I will reverse the conversation empty it. "
I say," Bitch, It's best to save the coin,
because everyone knows you are sturdy in that household. "
And then Kate will turn bright red, but Sarah is just my fist,
like," You are right, nigga, this is me Bop. "
We are good friends.
We are friends well They invited me for goods.
They are my only friends at school.
So, imagine my surprise
when I go to pick up my child after all this happens
And the teacher is waiting outside for me.
He just stands there in the middle of a disabled room.
I knew something was wrong, so I lowered the window.
"What is happening?"
"Hi, David, can we talk to you? briefly in the office?"
I said, "No, damn it. We have to talk here.
What is happening?"
I know it's bad.
"Ibrahim quarreled."
I say, "Fight?" "Don't worry, everything is fine."
I say, "Everyone?
What happened?"
"Well, that's it. We don't know what happened
because he didn't want to talk to anyone. What we know is that he punched Sarah Jr. In advance."
I say, "Oh no!"
Sarah is the only parent I'm not sure I can beat up at this school.
That's when, Kate and Sarah stopped to pick up their daughter,
and then we all have to go to the office,
and I was really worried because I didn't do it wanted them to kick me out of school
And then they bring my child in He cries.
They take him in like a prisoner.
He is like, "Ohh! Oh!"
I say, "Son, stop crying, calm down.
Don't look at these evil faces. I want you to see my face,
and I want you to tell the truth, friend, okay
Say just the truth Really?
Did you hit the girl Sarah Jr. In advance? "
I tried to give him a signal to lie, But he didn't catch it.
I'm like...
He doesn't pay attention. She's like, "Yes, Daddy, I punch her in the face."
"Oh, God, why? Why did you do that?
You shouldn't put your hand on anyone."
And the answer is so gangster, Afraid of all the old people in the room.
He is like...
[whining]
"Because he has it coming."
I said...
And everyone looks at me.
I said, "I didn't teach him. I don't know where he got it." I said, "What does that mean, kid? That is nonsense! What does that mean?"
And then he just started crying like him Tupac.
[crying]
"These kids keep making love with me!"
I told the teacher, I said, "Now, now wait a minute.
This child is a lot of things, But he is not a liar.
And if he says they are fucking him, they do something to him.
Son, what happened? What did they do to you? "
"Dad, I'm bored with this nonsense. It's been going on all week."
I said, "What happened all this week?"
He said, "We are having lunch, and the prostitute bites my sandwich."
I say, "Oh."
He said, "This is the fourth time this week. I am bored with this sandwich slut." I said, "Stop using that word. Let's go home."
That is a quiet ride home.
We arrived home, he just ran to his room,
slam the door
His mother dropped down. At that time, he had heard of everything.
He looks at me, like, "Oh, my God."
I said, "I know, this is chaotic."
He said, "You bite the damn sandwich, no, Dave?"
I said, "I'm tired of accusing me of nonsense!"
And I'm just running out of house.
Jump into my car and leave. Of course I bite the sandwich.
But I know he is right really angry about the tape,
so now he will punish me about the damn sandwich that I like.
I'm crazy like making love. Do you know what I say to myself?
I said, "I should never go home. Fuck this bullshit."
Speaking of which, that's how people used to divorce in their 40s.
There are no divorce courts in America.
Back at that time, If you want to get out of your marriage,
You just told your wife, "Hey, baby, I will get a pack of cigarettes.
I'll be back soon."
You will only go with a shirt on your back
That's when men are men.
And at that time there was no internet,
so you can move 11 miles away and have a whole new life.
But finally I go home...
late at night,
and enter the room, and he really changed to sleep.
You can always tell your wife is angry at you
when they cover their titties When you enter. "Oh!"
"Let the kids come out, this is me, baby
Can we talk about this for a moment?"
He said, "David, there's nothing to talk about.
I already knew you were biting a sandwich.
And don't go looking for their lunch. I hid it."
I say, "I don't want to talk about sandwiches I want to talk about it. That tape
I know that's why you're angry."
That is a very difficult conversation.
I have to solve some jokes.
And he laughs a little, and that helps him relax,
and we start talking, and then he solves some jokes...
That hurts my feelings, honest. But...
But we talk. And do you know what he told me?
He told me that he was angry about the second blackmail tape
than he is about the first.
Which makes no sense at all.
What's wrong with guys touching his own private parts?
This is my own business. It's not like I do all the time.
In fact, I sometimes do it for the benefit.
Many men do this. This is called a bastard of grace.
That's what happened in the middle of the night
when you will roll over it and you see his face,
and you are like, "He looks tired."
It requires a lot of love and discipline
to get out of the room with a hard rock dick.
Sometimes I don't succeed.
"Uh-oh, Uh-oh.
Someone is sleeping with their socks, isn't it?"
You can't rap your legs.
The only time I gasped now was if I knew how long he would go.
That is the only way to get my head in the game.
Sometimes he will tell me, "Dave, I'm leaving Bring the kids to my mother quickly.
I might come back in a few hours."
"A few hours?"
You can get good in two hours.
That is the type of session where you will take off all your clothes.
"Get this damn toy from my path!"
Disgusting. Feet on the coffee table, just caress it, take my time
And I prepared a bowl of cereal for me here
That's when you have that privacy. You can experience a loud orgasm. I miss them.
[shouts]
You know, when a man destroys a nut,
Right after that, There is a six minute window
where he does the most rational thinking he has done it
That's when he was always horrified.
[snorting and gasping]
"Oh my God, what have I done?
Oh God, it's everywhere.
[shouts]
Baba!"
Thank you very much, Austin, Texas. I have a wonderful time.
Alright, be happy. Good night all. Thank you.
[announcer] Leave one more time
for Dave Chappelle!
[playing music]
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♪ In every ghetto ♪
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♪ In every ghetto ♪
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♪ In every ghetto ♪
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♪ Revolution ♪
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♪ In every ghetto ♪
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