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[announcer] Ladies and gentleman, and all you other bastards,
get up from your ass for dear bitch:
Amy Schumer!
- [playing music] - [applause and applause]
Yes!
What happened, Denver ?!
[applause and applause]
Thank you very much for coming out. Oh, my God.
This is a big problem for me.
I don't know if you know this, But this past year,
I've been very rich, famous and humble.
[audience laughs]
Thank you. Thank you.
And maybe you catch this. I don't know who saw this.
I tweeted a photo of myself just wearing pants in
There is nothing but underwear.
[cheering]
Thank you, only women.
What's up
No!
It's too late, sir.
This can be wrinkled on your floor in the morning, but no.
I like the idea of this being tangled on someone's floor
Must return this in the morning Like...
[snoring]
And you like, "call me." Then...
Imagine doing a shameful way in this.
You like, "Hi, Taxi."
They are like, "Hmm.
That is a real garbage bag. Looks like a Glad bag."
I feel like every comedian needs special skin.
Right? Every comic has some features
where they use all skin, and they regret it later.
This is my bad time! Special skin
What What What What
Already sorry. already sorry.
Very hot Very overheated
So, I tweet this picture of me.
I'm drinking coffee. I was topless only underwear, and it became a virus.
Everywhere, every news event, every website,
and that's when I learned the word You don't want people to use it
When your nude photos become viruses.
"Dare."
Um...
You can imagine You took off your shirt in front of someone for the first time,
and they are like, "Damn!
You look very brave now.
Whoo-ee!
Shorty looks empowered!" Like it, no!
As if I was standing there, like, "I am brave!"
No, just fuck me.
I fainted tonight. I fainted tonight. Anyone?
[applause and applause]
Who loves you?
[speaking in childish nonsense]
If you are a real winner, then you will... Have anyone ever fainted
and awake when do they get out of it?
- [woman] huh! - Thank you! Thank you, sister
That's cool Because it's like you are a time traveler.
You just, like, go back to your body, like...
"What do people wear now?" And you just kind of keep moving.
I, once, in college... thank you...
I am out of a power outage,
and there are strangers lower me
So, I'm like, "Okay."
I decided to touch it gently.
In order not to surprise him, you know?
"Sir!"
I see...
Because I lay there, and I like,
"What do I know about this person? at this point, right?
I know his hair is brown.
And I know he's a hero."
He's brave, okay?
He is brave, and I will tell you why he is brave,
and this doesn't leave this theater.
And this doesn't leave your house.
This is why he is brave. On the best day of my pussy...
This is not every day.
Almost no day.
But, you know, you wake up, You have a good day.
And maybe you know you will have visitors,
So in the bathroom, you become very real there, you know.
You pull things back you usually don't.
You are a kind of Minority Report your own vagina
[snoring]
You sign in. It's like Stranger Things. You just like to enter
"Must find Barb, he is there."
If you have access to a removable shower,
guess what?
I just want you to think so how big my vagina is.
Same as... hmm.
This is really like... hmm?
After all that...
on the best day...
[groans]
the smell of my vagina...
like a small animal, okay?
Small. Small.
I don't, like... Unlike big, messy llamas,
like, chewing and spitting and stinking. No!
A little. Like goats. You just...
You buy food pellets, you know, and you feed them,
and it's like... And you like, "Aah, he ate it."
You don't go like, "Eww!" You go, "I want to go into the sink.
Native in English
Sort of will be good soon." [Chuckles]
Because it smells.
That is the best day.
On the worst day...
after a power outage...
ISIS
It's chaotic, guys.
That's bad. And what do you know? It is okay.
That is the nature of a vagina. Right?
We are very worried and embarrassed.
Our mother never sits us and says, "Okay, honey,
One day, sometimes will have homelessness.
The lights come out." Like, no.
They don't tell you.
And that is just that pesky nature.
And apparently, we are very embarrassed.
I know some girls who don't want to let it have someone drop it.
They are like, "No, I don't know What happened there?"
I'm like, "What?"
Like, I will forward your letter. Go.
Go down.
Go to Puss Town. And...
And if it's not your business, okay, do you know?
If I start dating men,
and he is like, "You know what, it's not me,"
I will like, "It's okay."
And then I will invite him to go hiking on Red Rocks,
and I will push it from damn mountains
Only...
[imitating a thud]
[imitate thuds]
Right? And then they appear, and they go to kiss you, and you go...
"Oh!
No. Mm-mm.
[moans]
Mm-mm.
I don't want to."
Yes right. I, I'm like... [moans]
I like that nonsense, it's sexy.
It's hot. I'm like, "Mmm. Soup."
I...
Not even. I see some girls, only a few, you are already near
They are like, "No..."
[muttering]
Yes.
I hope we are raised more like men.
Right? Only, like, here's an example how we are different.
We are very worried about our pussies, right?
Have you ever had a guy enter your mouth and go...
[inhaling]
"Does it taste good?
[whining]
I haven't drank too much water, and I'm a little worried. "
[nervous murmur]
No!
That will never happen.
Because, man, you are not raised to hate yourself
You are raised, and your parents,
they are like, "Everything you do is a miracle."
And you are like, "Yes, everything I do is a miracle!"
And don't get me wrong, you guys.
We love you coming
The only complaint: We want more than that.
Again again. We want to do snow angels in it.
Yay!
Mmm.
Is there something bad about coming? I can't think of anything.
Oh wait, I'm just thinking about something.
If you get even a drop in your mouth,
the rest of the day, you will...
[snorting and exhaling]
"I'm fine.
[vomiting]
I'm fine. I'm fine. [retches] Keep meeting." [grumble]
[rinsing]
That's terrible. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself...
on the big screen, do shows.
First of all, I'm like, "Who is that guy?"
Like, I'm serious...
I have good self-esteem, I do.
But I will catch a glimpse of myself on the screen sometimes,
and I like, "I shouldn't be here. I have to be on a mound, go, like..."
Do you know?
[voice in] "Good, woman.
One more, miss."
Let me be real, because I'm interviewing.
That is me and Bill Hader,
and interviewer He asks hard questions to him
like, "What is your favorite beer in Germany?"
Then he asked me softball like,
"Does it feel like making love to you?"
And Bill is upset. He is like, "You don't need to answer it, Amy."
And I like, "He will find out, Bill!
Shut up, Bill."
But I told him, and I will tell you exactly what it feels like to fuck me
Have you ever seen someone? standing on a box,
paint all silver, in the town square?
And you don't know if they live or not
But occasionally, just, "Boop!" You are like, "Oh, that's someone!"
That's how it feels to fuck me. There he is.
Like mime performing in the city square.
Unless no one has ever given me a dollar.
I don't do nonsense.
I lie there. I lay on my back,
like that, or if I want to blow my mind, damn it,
Sometimes I lie face down, like this.
Coming soon
Men deserve more credit.
They do it, when having sex.
We don't need to do anything.
You guys, men, You have to work really hard to fuck us.
You have to struggle, You have to stay hard,
and you have to go like this.
[snoring]
I feel like it will be funny to do it longer, but it hurts.
I can't believe you did that. That sucks for you
My boyfriend usually comes inside me.
He usually comes inside me, but sometimes you want to mix it.
You have to have fun
We will have sex, and then he will ask my favorite question:
"Where should I come?"
First of all, I like, "Thank you for thinking about me.
[chuckles] Like...
How can I come to your mind? "
" In this jar! " I just, like...
" Where should I come? "
[belches]
What do you think? There are three answers, right?
If you lie on your back, what are the three places?
- [man] Tits! - [second man] Face.
- [woman] Butt! - Yes.
I lie here
I just finished. I'm not on the damn Broncos or something.
[snoring]
"Your ass." You're very cute.
No!
He says, "Your head. " What are you talking about?
Only... [imitating splat]
"I'm the prettiest girl in Colorado."
"Your head."
- No. - [woman] Tits!
Yes.
Your breasts
Good answer. Your breasts
And you have to say it like you about it.
"Where should I come?" You have to go, "My Titties!"
And...
And he said, "Are you sure?" And you go...
"Uh-huh! Mm-hmm.
I like it. I like it."
I hate not coming to my breast. I just...
Walking all day, I'm in the bank, "Zero goes into my breast.
Ohh."
My Titties
I also like that question because of that belief right?
"Where should I come?"
I don't know about you guys.
I have never dated other people with the accuracy of American Sniper types.
Where I can be like, "Here.
Tap the moving target."
I'm like, "Okay, Katniss... Um..."
Now, most of the time... Tell me is this true for you...
He is like, "Okay, are you ready? Are they ready?"
And you like, "Mm-hmm."
He is like, "Here it is."
[imitating the sound of dribbling]
Right in hand. Just dribbling the ball, just...
A second ago, You are the most powerful person alive.
Now you're just the last child in a carnival
with melting ice cream cones.
And, God, we don't care. I've never been, like...
[whining sound] "Well, you said you would come with my children."
We are not No girl cares
But then there is that movement
where in times of despair, the person will be like...
And they try to paint fingers. You like, "No, no, no!
That doesn't happen for you. We are closed."
Sometimes it happens. For three seconds, that means you left...
"Yay!"
And then you just kind of display to each other, like...
And if you are with a really sweet guy,
he will go, "Babe, do you want me? to get you a..."
[cloudy]
You are like, "No, I understand. You catch some appropriate closed eyes."
And that's when we make shelves.
Right, girl? That's what you do.
You don't want to just fucking... You don't want...
So you block and you walk it.
Mm-hmm.
This is the saddest shelf in the world.
And I've been to the Anne Frank House.
I am a German Jew. There used to be more than us.
So what happened?
Oh my God.
It's weird to have a girlfriend. I've been on a journey for a long time.
I really like to have a girlfriend.
I really love this person. I met him on a dating application.
Yes. We meet... When I register, they are like,
"Congratulations. You have a free lifetime membership."
And I'm like, "Well, that's discouraging."
Like, "What is this?"
When I met him, he was the first... He was the only man I met there.
I immediately liked it. I like it very much.
I like, "I will make this person wait."
And I do it. Like, all through dinner.
No, we don't go to dinner. I...
I don't know I don't have an adult escort the ship
There is nothing like, "Mnh-mnh-mnh.
Not until the seventh." I just...
If I want a cake, I like, "We are eating a cake today."
If I'm wet, I'm like, "Okay, let's go in the penis there."
Just... [humming]
But I am a human germ, and that's why I told him,
before we do something sexually, "Just like this,
I know for sure that I don't have the disease left.
They burn out."
I'm like, "What about you?"
And he's like, "I've never been tested."
And I'm like, "Oh, mysterious.
Is David Blaine home?"
We go to Paris.
I've never been to France because I'm trash
And...
we go, and we are happy.
We are together under one year, so...
we have tried to make it quite sexy, But we both experienced hard food poisoning.
Like, violence. So, yes. And we are not such a partner,
"I'll go get something, baby." You know, like...
We try to save it, like...
Less than one year We are still lying.
I see...
So, our last night, after a few weeks, we like "Eiffel Tower..."
We both experienced hard food poisoning, and our hotel is one of the rooms
where we have one bathroom,
and that is the type where, like, the bed is there,
then you are in the bathroom, and if you go...
[soft grunt]
You will hear it loudly.
So, it hit it first. And he's there, just...
[vomiting]
Then, that way is manifested in me...
it's...
How do I say this and not dirty?
I was in the bathroom only, like...
[imitating machine gun]
The rifle engine comes out of my butt. Just...
[imitating machine gun]
Great diarrhea
He... is over. I shouted at him. [imitating machine gun]
I like, "It's so cool to date you. Good luck.
You will meet the greatest girl
He is there for you."
[imitating machine gun]
He is vomiting.
He tilted his head to where I was. [imitating machine gun]
And this is vomiting. And that...
And then I think I'm just going to be like that One, the bad thing,
and he is the one puke, but I'm there, and I...
And then he heard me go, "Fuck!"
And I take the trash can, and I start...
[vomiting]
All of my holes Damn it out of all my holes.
Then I realized there was a hole in the bottom of the garbage can I vomit in
Kneeling
So, I came out of the bathroom, and I was like...
I like, "Will you apply for on this trip?"
He is like, "No, I'm not."
Oh my God.
If you know me, you know I was at NuvaRing for birth control.
That's my thing. Easy, I don't need to remember to take pills.
Not that I have had trouble doing that.
But NuvaRing, if you don't know, is this little latex thing
You put it behind your cat.
And then you spend every three weeks
and only bleed all furniture.
Am I using it correctly? So...
I don't know why they don't sponsor me.
So, we, like... You can leave it during sex.
But I want to get it out, Just, like, thinking about it.
So, you have to go in there, it is behind
So, he's right on me. I like, "Wait a minute."
So, I keep my finger,
and I try to get it with my middle finger
And I shot it up there,
and that's when I accidentally left with my index finger
to be your own bastard
My scream. I'm leaving...
[scream]
And he goes, "What?" And I went, "I put my finger in my ass."
And he is like, "Can anyone do that?" I'm like, "No!
I'm not opening myself Conversations about this."
Mystery is over.
We made it past that.
I don't know why I'm in birth control
You know it is now birth control pills.
Do you know this?
They still test it, but I want him to do it right away.
I can't imagine that era, people, like...
Imagine you go home with men
and you will have sex with him, and you get a condom from your wallet,
and he just goes...
"Oh.
No.
That's cool.
I take the pill."
"What?
What are you?"
The phone alarm sounds. He is like, "Excuse me."
Pop. No.
[sighs] God
Yes, I'm fine. I am very happy to be in this relationship.
The only problem is I'm not a girl who likes,
"Yeah, like, from then on, we've been together,
I've just been cold by drinking."
If there is, it skyrocketed. Like...
Yes, I'm still black on reg.
I know it's not cool. It's annoying because, For years, I've fainted,
and I will only be alone, and I fart on the pillow,
But now there are witnesses.
I am a witness.
How annoying.
So, I fainted last night.
You know how I do it. Just a little wine, edibles.
I like, "This is something missing. Xanax."
Very dangerous. Don't recommend Good?
But I have a very sophisticated ceiling.
So...
I'm running out. And I just woke up in the morning.
I don't even look at him, but I can feel that he hates me.
Do you know that feeling? It's like, "Is that in the air?"
[inhaling]
It's anger and it's all aimed at me, so...
I'm like, "I'll play stupid." I just rolled, and I just...
"Mmm! Morning!
[giggling]
So, should we list all the things that we are grateful for?
I am grateful for you."
[giggling]
And he just looks at me. He is just...
"Okay... alright."
I'm like, "Okay, what did I get last night?
Am I just, like, saying my prayer and going to bed?"
[giggling]
Ding! He is like, "No."
Good.
"Am I giving a blowjob surprise?"
I like ideas, like, "Blowjob?"
A girl who doesn't know how to to do a blowjob symbol.
What?
And he's like, "Ame, any blowjob will be a big surprise at the moment."
And I don't want you to think I didn't give. I like going down to him.
I think you have to go down.
Down. I like it. I love her, I like to do it.
But there are people you send down for 90 seconds, and they, like...
[splash] And you like, "Still understand."
Then...
There are guys like my boyfriend, where if I want to blow it to completion,
it takes between ten and 12 years.
And in my twenties, I will roll up my sleeve, break me...
[imitating bone fractures]
You know, I have...
OK.
[note singing practice]
Red skin, yellow skin.
I don't even know the girl anymore.
He leaves.
I went down for a while, though.
I really questioned him, and he yawned.
[evaporate]
I like, "If there is a God, he will give the right dick in your mouth now."
Gong!
If I'm there long enough that you yawn, guess what?
♪ I come ♪
[humming] Fuck you
I'm so much fun until now.
So, I'm like, "Okay, What did I do when I fainted?"
He said, "Okay, what are you doing
Are you starting to beat the Ritz Crackers."
I like, "I'm sure I didn't hit them."
He is like, "You see like contestants on reality shows."
Good.
Then he said I started on the other arm.
And this is the right quote.
He said that I "use butter as if it's guacamole."
It's just that, "Mmm."
Just slacking off, eating dead-eyed butter.
Then he says I try to make two frozen pizzas at once,
because I want to eat it like hamburgers
And he said that he was like, "Ame, what are you doing?"
And I accused him of judging me.
I like, "You judge me!" Chasing him around the apartment.
Then he said I was sleeping, and I piled up all the pillows,
four pillows on my side,
and I put my head just above.
And he left, "Amy, we each got two pillows."
And I go, "Not tonight, bastard!"
[murky]
♪ Isn't she beautiful ♪
Thank you
Oh my God.
Immediately, that's just us.
Oh my God. I really love his whole family.
No nonsense They are from the Midwest.
Yes. The happiest person. The happiest person.
I mean, at L.A., I feel like they are pretending.
Everyone like, "I do my best,"
and you are like, "Stay away from cliffs."
But in the Midwest, they are just so excited
And her mother is the happiest person I've met.
His name is Deb, and Deb are the happiest people.
He misunderstood. He will like, "We bring U-ber here."
I'm like, "What?"
He is like, "I like that child. What is his name? Seeth Rogen?"
I am like, "That is not anyone's name at all."
Wherever he goes,
It looks like he was called out as a contestant on The Price Is Right.
He is just, "Whoo!"
I'm lucky, though. I promise, I love him.
I'm not complaining. I feel really lucky
because there are lots of guys I've dated,
Their mother has a vibration with them where they are like,
"Ohh.
I want to fuck my child.
[moans]
No, it's OK. You kids have fun
I always think We will end together. I do not know. "
And as a girl, you have to act like that doesn't happen You are like, "Amy, well, you really read."
Um...
And me. Look.
"Wine."
And I don't think I'm better now. You guys, I hope you know.
Like, I know I'm trash from Long Island. I have a lower back tattoo
that is raised and bent, and that doesn't mean anything,
and I have been petted by the taxi driver.
At my request
Keep reminding, whatever is good or fancy happens,
I was immediately taken to Earth.
Whatever. Like, our TV program won the Peabody Award,
which I don't even know what it is. Very high, very luxurious.
This for people in the media makes a difference This is a big problem.
And other people there are people like Ebola fighters,
and Malala,
and our event,
and...
So, we go, and we are like, "Okay, thank you for including us."
And at the beginning of the award, they showed a small clip
of each project.
And you don't know what they will choose
So, first, they show clips
from Ebola fighters in suits,
this documentary where they entered and they saved lives,
the bravest person in the word. And then Malala.
Like, Malala-ing, you know?
Then...
they show clips from our shows.
We are like, "What will they choose? We have done so much for so much."
The clip they chose is me Take a giant bite from a burger,
go, "I will go make a room," and walk to the toilet.
Malala is installed for glasses
And then I like, "I'll take it a violent dump You're good?"
July that Trainwreck comes out,
two girls named Mayci Breaux and Jillian Johnson were shot and killed
in the cinema when they go to see my movie.
And the feeling of putting something and excited,
and then find out that These two beautiful, amazing, intelligent women
who just wants to have fun, go and get killed
destroy and...
Yes, and I just want to do something about it
I don't know anything about gun violence,
and household actors.
And I'm like, "Okay. Why can he get a gun?"
I am not educated. But I know that if you are seriously ill
or have been punished domestic violence,
there is a gap which is not difficult to get firearms.
And I'm like, "Well, I really want it to help make it more difficult
for people who are seriously ill or domestic abusers... "
[applause and applause]
Thank you.
I believe in the right to carry weapons.
I have become friends with the gun owner. You want to take all our weapons!
That cunning G wants our weapons! "
I'm like," No, you look great. You have to get more weapons. "
Let's use this person more weapons, right?
"Our Amendment!" You like, "Okay, okay."
"The government wants my house!"
I like, "You don't have a home. You live in a trailer without windows.
What are you talking about?"
And then I found... And you might already know this...
That is if it's really on the terrorist watch list...
Like, not just a no-fly list, But a list of straight terrorist watches...
You can easily get a gun.
So, the same person is like,
"Out of our country, strangers!
But when you're here, please, enjoy our firearms legally. "
If you are blind...
If you are blind like a damn bat, You can enter the weapon shop,
hopefully.
There are more weapons stores than Starbucks and McDonald's’ combinations in our country ,
so your chances are good
You enter,
and you go, "I want a gun!" And they go, "We are here."
Then you go, "Oh, alright."
"I'll take it."
And they go, "That's the call." You go, "Oh, alright..."
Like, all about equality for disabled people,
But if Stevie Wonder calls me and she's like,
"Do you want to go shoot today?" I will like, "Hard pass."
The thing you see through destination is called "scenery!"
But you don't need that.
They get a gun.
So I was like, "Okay, I would like it a lot... Can we work to not give weapons?
for mental terrorists hurt who is blind and hit their wives?"
"What ?!
What's next? Do you want us to make love with animals?"
I like, "I have become a fucking animal My whole life, sir."
And what do you know? I really heard you.
You are like, "Schumer, you're talking about coming all your breasts.
Now we have to listen to this nonsense?" But what's crazy is that you can catch it a heat load in all of your titties
and still don't want your loved ones to be shot in the cinema
[applause and applause]
Do you know what?
I don't know if you pay attention,
But I called Hollywood "very fat."
No, you know. You know me.
I feel very good on my own skin. I feel strong. I feel healthy
[applause and applause]
I do I feel sexy.
Also, like, my father has MS and is in a wheelchair.
And that, like, I'm very excited I can move bad luck.
I'm just like, "Fuck you." How are you?
[muttering] How do I get rid of... " Shut your mouth!
You live.
You can move and we feel good.
And, you know, I bought it,
because when I'm doing my first movie, Trainwreck,
before I do anything, someone explained to me,
they are like, "Just so you know, Amy, there is no pressure.
But if you weigh more than 140 kilograms, it will hurt people's eyes."
And I'm like... [moans]
I just bought it. I'm like, "Okay, I'm new in town."
So, I lost weight,
and I think you should feel healthy and take care of yourself.
But I don't believe, like, crashing a diet or starving myself.
Like, get out of here.
No, come on, you know... That's not true.
Yes, thank God I look very skinny.
My mute head remains the same size.
But then my body shrinks,
and I only look like Thanksgiving Tonya Harding's life parade.
I'm just like, "Hi!"
Nobody likes it. It's not funny to me.
So, I, like, get all this weight back.
I just revenge when the movie is finished.
I just, "I can't eat pizza. I can't..."
Like, everything. And I'm worried, because it's in your head,
only everything on television and movies and magazines and the internet.
All beautiful women, like, small skulls with breasts,
and you only, like...
All day long I saw Hadid 's sister and, like, Jenner's things,
and you only, like...
And I'm worried. I'm getting heavy.
I like, "Oh, my God. Will men still be interested in me?"
And that's when I remember... I always forget this...
This is another reason why I really love men.
Men, every day, have thoughts that cross their heads
where they are, like...
"I don't know why, but I want to give my penis right in your ass."
Several times a day, someone passes.
"Hah."
You know, just...
They are like, "Look, also doesn't make sense to me,
but I know for sure
I want to take the most sensitive ones, the intimate parts of myself
and only, like, ram are true where You shit Just, like, ram! "
[snoring]
They think that, and I'm here like,
"Oh, should I get the spotlight?"
Like...
He doesn't care!
He doesn't care.
"Honey, do you like the color of my new nails? These are ballet shoes."
"I will make love to you if your head is ballet shoes.
I don't care."
We work very hard, and they don't care.
Isn't that relaxed mind?
Like, not anal. But, like, men will fuck us, you know?
If they screw us, they will come.
This is a beautiful and easy sweater that is available in...
No, I'm just kidding.
I'm the most shittiest famous person, okay?
I am a famous person who is unlucky.
Yes, I know. I always... I can't believe it's still going on.
I say what I mean I dress like garbage.
Like, my sister and I... And I tried very hard.
I'm like, "Okay, like, let's do the best
and tape it and spill it down and..."
[groans]
But after I leave here, I will look like this new homeless person very quickly
Very fast, trust me.
My sister's dress is the same, But they will still write about us
as if we are Kardashians.
They will be like, "The Schumer brothers stepped out today.
Amy chose performance feathers...
and a jacket from Forever 21."
And my favorite thing they ever wrote it,
"And Kim chose to use bright red-and-gold beanie
to add the ensemble."
That's a Gryffindor hat.
Like, look at this. This is a fucking Gryffindor hat.
The most disappointing person has been photographed
See this. Looks like we're moving,
and we run out of bags,
so we are like, "let's use it all.
We will only use it. Never bras Never become a problem
Look at my brother's shoe game. Can you check this?
Ballet flat from Payless.
Z & Z pants H & M. What's up?
What's up now, internet?
They photograph me once, and this is the headline:
"Schumer buys cookies so he can exercise."
Type of mean, right?
No, they hit nails Right on that damn head.
That's what I do to work outside.
That's what I did. Before I exercised, I went to buy scones,
Then I slowly walk around the reservoir, and I eat it.
Exercise me like a woman in a nursing home.
It's just that, like biting on baked food, see the trees and birds
"Mmm."
I really disappointed them as a famous person
that they will try to make it sound more sexy than that
They are like, "Schumer shows off his legs with tiny shorts."
And you have eyes.
You understand that is not available to me
Like, there is no separation between the church and the state here, okay?
This area is not...
Nothing... That doesn't happen.
I don't even know what a thigh gap is.
I like, "Is that like a wage gap? Do we need to do a demonstration against this?"
Since I was ten years old, I can't wear small shorts.
If I take one step, all material brings up my pussy.
I have to pull it out like a magician.
Dove dove Only, like, "Fly!"
I have to throw deodorant in my groin,
so I don't go straight to the point bleed out
This is where my thigh stops touching for the first time
Together. Besides. Together.
Besides.
The tiny little shorts. Annoyed
Fuck you
I had time to photograph paddleboarding, standup paddleboarding, which...
Can we all agree? stop pretending like it's fun?
What are we... what?
"Do you like the sensation? are on the boat,
without the comfort of sitting or side security?"
"No."
"Do you often wonder what it's like? to work on the gondola?"
"I can't say that. No."
My description, I don't even recognize myself
because, obviously, I didn't suck at all.
That's just, like...
I saw it, and I was like, "Oh, my God, Alfred Hitchcock is still alive...
and likes water sports!
Fuck, huh," You know?
I am very captivated.
Honestly, the only thing that makes me all night,
the only one, is that I believe in my heart
that Bradley Cooper wants to fuck me.
Now, no one else believes me,
especially not him.
But I believe that.
I believe it in my heart.
Now, you might like, "Bradley Cooper Don't really do it for me."
Hmm. Shut up.
Yes, that's the case. He's kind of hot
where when you see it, you don't even mean,
But your body is just like a pivot around.
And you only, like, take your toes.
You are like, "OK."
By the way, that is as far as I can go.
That's it.
Look, we got a little more. But I'm a little tilted.
He's kind of hot where when he talks to you,
all your holes are wet.
You are like, "What?
Why is it here?" Like...
His eyes change color and bad luck, you guys.
So, he was talking to me at this event,
and I don't even think I'm registering As a sexual person for him,
because I'm thinking of myself like I'm on a mound, you know?
And...
I'm just like, "Sick party, right, Coop?" Like, I'm not...
I tried to help her out from the conversation with me
I'm like, "Alright."
Because all these beautiful girls are around, only foam in the mouth,
like, "Oh, let me in the dick hole."
And...
And I tried to get it out of there. I'm like, "Okay, good night."
And he is like, "Wait, Amy. Nice to meet you
Come on hang out."
I'm like, "okay...
my new girlfriend."
Fully go there. Then...
Then we talk a little more, and then 20 minutes pass, and I like,
"Okay, I'll take my seat." And he grabbed my wrist.
He left, "Wait, it seems very good to meet you.
Why don't we, like, Spend time together? "
[humming" Bridal Chorus "] I, like, put my napkin over my head. I like," I know! "
I called my friend from high school On the way home.
= = I like, "Take me out of your phone. I'm with Bradley now.
I'm at a new level, and you don't come with me
You came out! "
And then the next night, I was doing a show in Reno, Nevada,
because you can have it all.
And I'm watching White House Correspondent Dinner.
And they are like, "And this is Bradley Cooper."
And I'm like, "Hi, baby."
And they are like, "And this is his girlfriend."
And I'm like, "But I'm my girlfriend."
It turns out I'm not his girlfriend.
He is dating an actual angel named Irina Shayk.
He's a supermodel. He is not at all like someone.
Looks like a beetle fucked a deer...
and then, like, they fucked Gisele...
and just shot the hottest butt part you've seen.
He doesn't walk. He, like, slipped around. And he...
The way he speaks, he is like,
"I am from nine hours by dogsled outside Moscow."
He can only see through the top of his eyes.
[groaning]
He is very hot.
You can say that he is always wet, Like, the way he moves.
Like, as soon as boyfriend releases lubricant, and he is like,
"I laugh at your lubricant, Bradley!"
And I just watch this in Reno fucking.
I'm like, "Bradley?
Bradley, here I am!"
Like, I thought I would be rolling on the beach with him.
And, I don't know, is this me? Is that my ass?
I know we have... There must be my photo.
Is this me Or is this me? I can't...
Fuck Which I
Is that me?
Or is that me? I don't know
And I like, "Do you know what? Damn him."
The prostitute will never dare.
Thank you very much!
I love you!
[playing music]
Oh wait. Does the person show off my show?
[chat is not clear]
I don't know I feel like he is shouting to people going to my show.
And what do you know? He's right. He needs a better megaphone.
[man] Ha ha.
- Are you engaged? - Yes.
Can I draw it?
[man] Here, gun control is when you hold it in two hands.
Oh, that's so funny, Gary.
How about holding the wheel with two hands How does that sound?
[laughs]
This is the real star of the show.
What
She runs out of lipstick because her lips are very delicious.
I like not wearing a skirt
because these people will fully see up all my twats.
Do people still say "twat"?
[crowd cheering]
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